Attachment Styles 101: What are they and how they show up in relationships

Elana Hoffman: Hello and welcome to Talk Relationship to Me, the show that explores the most important relationship topics. I'm Dr. Elana Hoffman. As a clinical psychologist, I focus on all things relationships, from dating to sex to long-term relationships to divorce. I cover it all. I use my professional lens as a psychologist as well as lived experience to cover these topics. Do you need to talk relationships? You're in the right place. On today's episode, I am covering an overview of attachment. So thank you all for listening. I talk about attachment a ton with my clients, individuals, and couples, and I have talked about it in previous episodes. And I'm sure that everybody who is listening has heard about attachment, attachment styles, what they mean, how you show up in relationships with different attachment styles. But I thought it was important to do a full episode just on attachment. Where it comes from and you know how we started talking about it in psychology. So the origin of attachment, different attachment styles, and how they show up in adult relationships. And those are each big topics. So, you know, I'll suggest further reading and I'll put it in the show notes and I will do more episodes on, you know, these specific things. So more episodes on different types of attachment in bigger, you know, in more depth. And how these different attachment styles show up in relationships also in more depth. But for now, this is just gonna be an overview. So if you have questions, you can, you know, okay. Actually, we're gonna start again. Sorry about that. Okay. All right, not gonna re-record the intro. So today I'm gonna talk about attachment. And this is such an important topic because I reference attachment in all my sessions, individual and couples. I've talked about it in other episodes of this podcast. Lots of people are talking about attachment these days. So, you know, I assume that everybody listening knows what. It is in a general sense, like has heard the term attachment and has talked about it or thought about it in terms of how people show up in relationships. This is now used, you know, pretty frequently in today's kind of lingo about what's your attachment style, especially in terms of dating. People talk about this a lot, but a lot of people really don't understand the origin of the attachment framework, where it comes from, why it's important, and you know, really how. different attachment styles and patterns show up in relationships. So, you know, there's tons of topics about attachment and I will have more episodes that are in more depth about each topic, like more depth about different styles and more depth about how those styles show up in relationships and how can attachment styles change over time. They can, spoiler alert. ⁓ but for today's episode, I'm just gonna give kind of a brief overview of all of these things. So basically, you know, attachment comes from developmental psychology. So the study of attachment, you know, was based in experiments in the 70s about infants and their attachment to their caregivers. So it's funny because, you know, I mean now we talk about it, you know, in terms of how trouble getting started here. Sorry, take three. Okay, here we go. Hi everyone. So I'm talking about attachment today because people are using this term kind of flippantly, you know, especially in terms of talking about dating and relationships. People are identifying their own attachment style and other people's attachment style. And that's all fine. On the one hand, you know, I'm glad that people are kind of talking about these really important psychology terms and applying it to their everyday. And on the other hand, I think that, you know, a lot of people don't really understand. where this comes from, why it's important, how attachment patterns can show up in relationships and really understand like, you know, how important it is and why we're talking about it, like why it's such a big deal and why everybody is identifying their attachment pattern on hinge. So today I want to give really an overview of the origin of attachment, where it comes from, how shows up in relationships, the different types of attachment. And, you know, you can kind of go from there. I mean, all of these topics h have their own can have their own episode in terms of depth depth, excuse me. And I will definitely do more episodes, you know, going deeper on all of these. But for now, I'm just gonna give an overview of the origins of attachment and how briefly Each attachment style can show up in relationships and how they can change over time and they can change over time. So, you know, you are free to of course read and explore more on this topic. And I can put some links in the show notes. You know, if you are not familiar, there are a few good books. Attached by Amir Levine is a good one, and Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson is a good framework for couples if you are looking to explore attachment dynamics in your relationship. But ⁓ again, big topic, and so ⁓ just a general overview for today. So basically, you know, attachment style, the origin of this important topic comes from the developmental psychology literature, where a group of researchers led by Mary Ainsworth looked at babies and infants and how they relate to their caregivers. And so that is where all this attachment stuff. originated. So basically the paradigm of these observations, you know, experiments were that babies were put, it was called a strain situation experiment. And so babies, you know, ranging from ⁓ six months to 30 months, I think, nine to thirty months old, they would come into a room full of toys. Their caregiver would bring them into a room full of toys And the care a caregiver would bring them in, a stranger would come in and leave the room, then the caregiver would leave the room. And basically the babies were observed on how they acted when their caregiver left and came back. And based on that, they were categorized according to different levels of attachment. So basically, the babies who were later categorized as secure attachment, they kind of played with their new toys. While their caregivers were present, they interacted with a stranger and they they were okay. You know, they engaged with the stranger, they engaged with the toys. When their caregiver left, they were also regulated and they were okay and they were playing around. And then when their caregivers came back, they were happy to see them, they engaged with them, they were comforted by them. If they were upset, they were easily comforted by them. And the reason why these babies were later categorized as secure attachment, because the babies were secure that their caregivers were going to return. So this is called a secure base. Knowing that you have a caregiver who is going to be there for you physically, emotionally, psychologically, you trust that your caregiver will not leave you unattended, that you will be back, that you will be safe and loved. They are reliable, they are predictable. And so that knowledge, that feeling, of course, in a baby, this is not like cognitive knowledge, it's it's feelings, it's physiological, you know, that that they will come back and that they will be taken care of makes them calm and makes them able to engage with a stranger, engage with the toys, explore the new environment and come back to their secure base where they're easily calm and comforted and regulated. So that is secure attachment in childhood, you know, that is that is knowing that you have a caregiver or multiple caregivers that can meet your needs, that are reliable, that are present, that are loving, that are safe. You can be vulnerable expressing your emotions, you can be vulnerable expressing how you feel about things and what you want. And you can have sort of a safe space of not judging, not caregivers not making it about them, you know, that is all secure attachment. Then you know that they'll be there for you, so you can go and explore. I mean, with the b these babies, it's quite literal, right? They go with h play with toys and they come back. You know, of course as kids get older, this can look a different way, but secure attachment is knowing that like, hey, you know, I I I'm I I'm okay, I'll be okay because I have my secure base. And so as an adult, the way this shows up in relationships is Kind of like that. You know, you know that somebody is gonna be there for you. You are confident. You're confident in being vulnerable. You're confident in expressing your emotions. You're confident hearing other people's vulnerabilities and holding their emotions. And you know somebody is reliable and there for you and nonjudgmental and connected. And that is a secure base, that is a secure attachment. And really so much of it is like within you. And I will sort of come back to that point where it's like. If somebody leaves you, you know, kind of know that you're gonna be okay. But I am I will come back to that. So that is secure attachment. Those are the babies that were later categorized as secure attachment. And then there's insecure attachment, and there are multiple types of insecure attachment. So the babies that were later categorized as avoidant attachment, these babies basically ignored their caregiver. They showed little emotion when their caregiver left or returned. Right. So like they come in, they play with a stranger, they play with the other toys, they don't even really notice if their caregiver leaves, and they don't even really notice if their caregiver comes back. They kind of just they are not easily bothered by this outwardly. And so basically this is because, you know, they they don't get upset, outwardly upset. They they inwardly often, you know, they they are upset, but it sort of Doesn't show up in the same way that other insecure attachment like anxious attachment, which we'll get to in a minute, shows up. But basically, these people who are later categorized as avoidant attachment learned from a really early age: hey, I can't count on my caregiver. Don't really know what what they're up to. They are not reliable in terms of being physically present, being emotionally available. And I really have to rely on myself. I'm good. I'm independent. I don't need help. I don't need anybody. I can't show my vulnerable emotions because they will not be met with care. They'll be met with judgment or criticism or defensiveness or just no, flat out no. I asked for help and my caregiver says no, then I learn not to ask for help again. And later down the line in adult relationships, pe these people. Have a hard time being vulnerable because they learn that other people will let them down because they were let them let down by their caregivers. So they do not they have a really hard time with vulnerability, which means opening themselves up to hurt and rejection and criticism and judgment. And they don't have that sort of confidence and security that those are okay, that they can handle those, that they can handle those feelings because. they their those feelings were never handled by their caregivers and closeness and intimacy is very limited with people with avoidant attachment because they learned that that was dangerous and whenever they wanted to feel close or intimate, they had they were not met with the connection that they needed. So, you know, intimacy really requires this kind of vulnerability. And oftentimes this can come back to a lack of, you know, availability as with your caregivers if you feel If you feel any of these things, if this resonates with you, then you know, really think about that. And so oftentimes people, you know, even in adulthood will say, like, you know, that it's we'll we'll we'll we'll point it as a positive thing. You know, I'm very independent, I don't need to rely on anyone. The truth of the matter is that, you know, everybody as a human being needs to rely on someone. So this is not always, but it can be a red flag for avoidant attachment, which means that it is hard for somebody to be really vulnerable in. relationships. So people who are not really revealing that much about themselves, that are always sort of turning the conversation to the other person, giving them a lot of attention, asking them a lot of questions so that they are not receiving questions and asking to be open and vulnerable. ⁓ physical closeness, you know, can show up or lack of physical closeness can show up sometimes with avoidant attachment. People, ⁓ you know, it can show up Sexually too, like not being vulnerable in a sexual sense because it feels very too intimate, too close, too vulnerable, and people with avoidant attachment are d are have a really hard time handling this. So, but that is where it comes from initially. You know, these babies who learned from an early on they couldn't rely on their caregivers. So that is avoidant attachment. The other type, anxious, preoccupied attachment. Babies showed a ton of distress even before their caregivers were gone. So, in a new situation with a new person and new toys, they were just super dysregulated, super distressed. They were crying, you know, they were protesting, they didn't want their caregivers to leave, and they never really were able to kind of calm down. Their caregivers come back, and they still were not able to. really regulate and calm down. They were just so afraid that their caregivers were not coming back. And that is anxious attachment. That's anxious or preoccupied attachment. Those terms are really interchangeable. Basically, what is happening behind here is that the baby cannot trust that the caregiver will return. And so they're not confident in their secure base either. It's sort of the same issue with the anxious avoidant, I'm sorry, with the with the with the avoidant attachment in that they sort of don't know that they can rely, but it comes out As a ton of anxiety, outward anxiety, dysregulation, you know, don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me. And this is a real lack of trust in a caregiver's reliability to return and to show up and also meet their needs. So in adulthood, this can show up in key ways, also. So if you have anxious attachment, You want lots of attention, lots of reassurance. You maybe text a lot, you call a lot, you get upset if someone doesn't return your text or your phone call really quickly. It doesn't reassure you. You know, you are there are subtle and not so subtle ways of showing that you need that connection or reassurance. And underneath that is a fa is a fear that your partner is gonna leave you and that you're not gonna be okay. So it's not that just your partner is gonna leave you. It is your partner is gonna leave you and you're gonna fall apart. You're not gonna be okay. And so you really are, you know. constantly seeking that reassurance and that can mean wanting to repair fights immediately, kind of not letting things go, not letting things simmer, you know, having a hard time being like, let's talk about this tomorrow. But like things need to be resolved immediately, right away. That is a sign of anxious attachment or pursuer. You know, a a pursuer withdrawal dynamic is a really common one among anxious attachment and preoccupied. Sorry, anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. Avoidant is the withdrawal, anxious is the pursuer, ⁓ lots more on this topic. And so that's what's happening with anxious attachment or preoccupied attachment, where you really just k have a really hard time letting things go. Often also anxious attached people really ⁓ initiate sex a lot of the time. This is a way that they can feel close and connected. And sometimes this is the only way they feel loved by their avoidant partner is having sex. So they will pursue that a lot, initiate that a lot. And so that can look like, you know, hey, I just have a partner who's really into sex. And that can be true, but it can also potentially be a flag for anxious attachment. And this is how they connect. And so they want connection and the avoidant pairing is not giving that connection. And so they can they'll pursue sex or they'll or they'll pick fights, you know, they'll fight and and because that also shows engagement. And if you're an anxious person paired with an avoidant attachment person, you want the avoidant person to be engaged. And so sometimes fighting is the only way to have an engaged partner. And so that can show up with that too. So they can have a hard time giving their partner space, letting thing you know, letting them be. And so this is, you know, how that can show up. And then the last way that someone is categorized as insecure attachment is disorganized attachment. So basically these were these babies that were kind of all over the place. You know, their caregivers would leave and maybe they would cry or maybe they would be, you know, they wouldn't care and then they'd come back and they would be just so dysregulated and maybe they would want to play more, but they would have a hard time calming down. Basically like they would really be kind of all over the place, you know, with with in this strange situation. And basically the researchers learned that most of the caregivers of these infants suffered trauma, you know, during the during or after birth and basically these babies were pretty traumatized. So in adulthood this can play out in a lot of ways where sometimes a person will respond anxiously and sometimes avoidantly, you know, to the threat of a partner leaving. Part of them wants a close relationship, but they're really afraid of intimacy. And again, this style of attachment is really often the result of trauma and massively unmet needs in childhood or really inconsistent Caregiving. And so it's unpredictable and it's very difficult in adult relationships because it's really marked by a lot of kind of instability, you know. and that's really that's really the hallmark of it. So that is an overview of where the attachment framework comes from. You know, the idea that it develops in childhood early on, you know, I mean, having a one or more caregivers that are reliable and present and loving and secure is really important for secure attachment. And so, you know, this is how some of these things can play out over time in relationships. So, you know, I talked a bit about how the anxious and avoidant style can interact, but there are other ways, you know, the avoidant avoidant can interact too. And basically You know, ⁓ well, I don't really see these couples in my office. If you are if you have two people who have avoidant attachment, they're not really talking about a lot of stuff. You know, a lot of these relationships look like they're not fighting, they're getting along, but oftentimes they actually have massive unmet needs and they are just really, really afraid. Both people are really, really afraid of being vulnerable and close and intimate. So, you know, they don't really have a lot of Deep conversations, you know, they just, you know, they don't they don't they don't f they don't really fight. They don't have a lot of like intimacy and vulnerability because also both people don't really want that. You know, neither person with avoidant attachment really wants that closeness or intimacy or connection or vulnerability. So, you know, those couples don't really come to therapy. and in but of course, anxious, you know, there are there are pairings also of Two people that are anxiously attached and there's a whole lot of anxiety. There's a whole lot of communication. There's a whole lot of, you know, we need to hash out every detail, every feeling, every everything. And listen, you know, as a therapist and as an individual and a couples therapist, I actually don't think that every feeling needs to be discussed. ⁓ I think that you can work things out internally. You have to be able to talk about a lot of things, but you know, you don't have to to hash out everything all the time. And people who have preoccupied and anxious attachment feel like they have to be heard, they have to be understood. Things have to be resolved right then in that moment. So if you have two people who have that mindset, they are talking a whole lot about their relationship. They are wanting to resolve everything all the time, wanting to be really understood. They really want like that's what they really want. They really want that reassurance that someone understands them. ⁓ You know, and this of course comes from an upbringing where someone didn't do that and they pursued, pursued, pursued to feel seen and heard and understood. And and and that is where and that is where that comes from. So, you know, the so attachment styles can change. You know, people ask me this all the time. And of course they can in different relationships. And a lot of times when I'm working with people with people, particularly with an anxious and avoidant pairing, it can change. It is difficult to change and people have to really learn to manage their own anxiety in both in both attachment styles have anxiety underneath because the anxious attachment has anxiety that their partner is gonna leave, that they're not gonna hear them, that they're not gonna, you know, that they're gonna be rejected. And the avoidant attachment person also has anxiety about opening up and being being vulnerable and hurting the other person and disappointing the other person. I talked about this in my episode about Why it's hard to break up with someone. This has a lot to do with avoidant attachment. You can listen to that episode if you're curious about more explanation around that. But oftentimes it's it's each person having to dealing having to deal with their own anxiety in different ways to change the pairing, to change the sort of attachment dance that's happening here. So the pursuer has to withdraw, has to give the withdrawal space to pursue and has to. provide a safe space in order to do that. And so that really has to change. But it can, it can change. And your own sort of personal attachment style can change over time in different relationships. And, you know, based on different things that happen in your life, you know, you can become more secure and confident and you can have relationships that don't end you know, that end sorry, that and and you can learn to that you're okay, right? Things end and that you can be okay on your own and it's not the end of the world and that happen and that changes your attachment style from maybe an insecure one to a secure one. If you are an anxious attachment person and you are consistently afraid someone's gonna leave you and you're not gonna be okay and then that happens and you realize hey, you are okay, then you can become much more confident and much more secure within yourself and you can approach this with other relationships. You know, you can Have a mindset of someone. If someone is not for you, if someone decides they want to leave, okay, it is okay, that's okay, and you will not fall apart. And then on the avoidant attachment side, you know, you can really find it within yourself to open up more. You can you can handle rejection, right? A lot of times it is again because there's a fear of intimacy and rejection. And if I'm intimate and vulnerable and I get rejected, I'm not gonna be okay. So, you know, you can you can open up, you can talk more about how you're feeling, you can understand your emotions more, you can take risks in that way of being more vulnerable and open, and you can learn that you're that you are okay. So avoidant attachment people can also become more securely attached. And of course, the best pairing is people who are securely attached. And that doesn't mean that things are not gonna come up. It doesn't mean that you're not you're sort of, you know, default. ⁓ attachment style is gonna show up based on triggers and what happens in the relationship, but you can connect more, you know, you can you can repair quicker, you can understand what's happening internally, and you can have a direct conversation about it and you can work to become more secure because the secure and secure pairing is the best kind. People that are confident and comfortable. And are in a relationship because they are choosing to be, because not because of fear that there's someone's gonna leave you, and not because you're afraid of disappointing someone or hurting someone, but because you are really involved and invested and wanting to connect and seeing vulnerability in a relationship as a really positive thing that helps you grow and change and learn. And so, you know, to get there, you can, you you can get there, but it's gotta, you know, you gotta do Do the work, as people say, right? ⁓ in couples therapy or in really in individual therapy, after relationships end is a really great time to understand these concepts and to think in, you know, just think back about things that have happened and to really understand your own attachment style and where that comes from and how it shows up in relationships and to change things if you feel like it's not going the way that you would like it to go. So that is my overview of attachment. ⁓ again, I will put things in the Show notes, resources, and links if you are interested in finding out more about it. And I will do many more episodes on attachment because this is really important and this is what it means. And and everything I talked about today is really where it comes from. So, you know, hopefully that is helpful in understanding yourself and your partner or potential partners. And so thank you so much for listening. And this has been Talk Relationship to Me, produced by Peach Island Productions. I'm Dr. Elana Hoffman. If you have questions about relationships, I'd love to hear from you. You can go to my website, drelanahoffmanhoffman.com and click contact, or you can find me on Instagram at dr.elanahoffman. You can find all the info you need, including more about today's episode, with links in the show description. And if you have questions or comments about today's episode, I would love to hear from you. You could inspire a podcast topic. Thank you again for listening.