WEBVTT
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It's revolver.
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Alright, you want to lead us in or do you want me to?
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I'll lead us in.
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I'll lead us in.
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Welcome back, everybody.
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What time signature was that in?
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It sounds like um D'Angelo Vickers from The Office.
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Yes, yes, it does, it does bring back his brain injury.
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It does.
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It does.
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But you know who doesn't have a brain injury?
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Us at the Reverse Jackass Podcast.
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Welcome.
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Again, I'm Evelyn, the Canadian Blade, representing the entire north of the Canadian-American border here.
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It's a big job, but someone's got to do it.
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And I'm here for it.
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And representing the south of the border, but not in the not the kind in the Taco Bell commercials.
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I'm here with my friend Nick Bogner.
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Nick, uh, say hello to the people and tell us how you're doing today.
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Well, I'm doing great.
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I just uh you just enriched my geographical knowledge a little bit by really contextualizing both my country and Taco Bell.
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So thank you for that.
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Um other than that, I'm in great spirits, except that we received what I would choose to refer to as some very Canadian feedback on our show.
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Some unwelcome, unhelpful, unenriched Canadian feedback on our show uh in the form of a voice memo, which Evelyn, I think you have and you can play now.
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Hi, Evelyn.
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Uh I just started listening to the podcast.
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I want to say uh uh I really enjoy you, um, but you can absolutely do better than Nick.
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Uh I'm sure there are other therapists who, you know, are legitimately funny who are willing to come on a podcast with you.
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Um he just listen, I'll be honest with you, he comes across very unlikable.
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He sounds like kind of a dick, kind of like the sort of person who would be really bad at board games, and I just I I want the best for you, Evelyn, and I I just hope that you can find someone better.
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So uh good luck, God bless.
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I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
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Yeah, okay, so I think everyone listening to this can agree that basically um who run the world, Mark Carney, right now.
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So I'm not too sure why.
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Is that a thing they're saying in Canada right now?
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Because that's fatass.
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Oh no, I'm Who Run the World Mark Carney?
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I just came up with that, but basically, like we're it's the whole country is doing the wave for Prime Minister Mark Carney over here.
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Oh yeah.
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Yeah.
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As well as should be.
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It's it's nice to see a little fucking leadership over there.
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Oh gosh, I know.
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I I worry that y'all down there have forgotten what that looks like.
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And oh no, oh no, we've we're we've never remembered it more than we're remembering it right now.
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It's never been what we had has never been on our minds as much as it is right now.
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Amber shared something with me that I honestly don't know if it was a joke, but somebody said the gas prices are so bad right now.
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When it was Biden four years ago, we knew exactly why that was, but now it's a mystery.
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And I thought that has to be a joke.
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I but we don't know.
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It could be bullshit, it could be internet bullshit, it could be that there are Americans actually stupid enough um to get into this.
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I don't know why this is so high right now.
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Yeah, it's a mystery, it's a mystery.
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It's a really real mystery.
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Well, I'm just I think it was a joke because they spelled the word mystery correctly.
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Oh, yeah, okay.
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Fair, fair.
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That you know it's AI.
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You know it's AI then when it's it's too intelligent to be dumb, but it's not intelligent enough to be intelligent.
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That's right.
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I just came up with that right now.
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That's brilliant.
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I know that was really good.
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It must have been the beef curry I had for lunch.
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It's given me some superpowers.
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But um, I'm curious as to why now what tips you off that it's Canadian feedback?
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Because it's wrong headed um and abrasive.
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Yes, um speculative.
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Speculative, yes.
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Yeah.
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Are you just are you just cheesed off because it was just one big fat slam dunk about you?
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I don't think there I think in order for it to be a slam dunk, points would have to be scored.
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Um, and I don't think any points were scored in this particular thing.
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I think this edgelord, this Canadian edgelord, had some real opinions.
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Um, and he took advantage of the of the welcome math that you and I so kindly laid out to collect uh feedback, and he just deposited his flaming bag of opinions uh on our doorstep.
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Well, jokes on you, because I am almost positive.
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I would bet every coin that rolls in from this podcast, I would bet that it is um an American giving that feedback.
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And what I loved about it is that it's addressed to me, but it's just ripping you a new one the whole the whole time.
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And ultimately it ends with I just hope that you can find someone better.
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So good luck, God bless.
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I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
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I mean, we that's it, that's a easy, that's an easy ask.
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Yeah.
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I could just start going rogue with this thing and recording solo episodes.
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Why haven't we been meaning to record it?
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And people are like, oh, I I love the new direction the podcast is taking.
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How did you get there?
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And it's like I tune in and it's just you talking with little pre-recorded things of me going, mm-hmm.
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Yeah.
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Oh, that's brilliant.
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Oh, Evelyn, that was your best story yet.
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Like AI versions of me saying stuff I'd never say in real life, like, thank you for all the great content you provide to this podcast, or you know, you're the soul of it.
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Like stuff I would never ever ever say.
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Like stuff I'm gonna totally chop up what you just said and use it, use it throughout every episode moving forward.
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Yeah, I'm gonna use that one too.
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Right after I say, Nick, how are you doing today?
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Give us the old Neanderthal grunt.
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I like it.
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Well, speaking of liking, I really liked this uh this voice memo, this fan mail that we got.
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I love it.
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Uh, it was a great one to to just kind of break in, break it in.
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I don't know break it, break it in.
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Break it down, break it in, break it down.
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Break it down.
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So I want to say to DNJM, uh, you can leave these anytime you want.
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I feel like this might have been a bit of a cathartic experience for you.
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And I want to offer you more opportunities to do that.
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So anytime Nick says something on this podcast, and you know, you said that he sounds like he would be the person who's like really bad at board games.
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If he says anything else that hints to other things he might be bad at, you can just keep leaving those little fan mail messages and we'll keep playing them on here.
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And just to and just speaking in utter candor, I had no idea you could leave a voice memo for this website for this podcast at buzzsprout.com.
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So you all can do that if you choose to.
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Um, and we might even play it on the air.
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I will play it on the air if it insults Evelyn.
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I will guarantee you airtime if you come with something that's a little more, let's say, fair and balanced, but this time since it was the first one, I made an exception.
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Well, I've said many times on this podcast that people can leave fan mail at reversejackass.brass.
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Oh, maybe this is why they didn't get the memo.
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Reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
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And clearly we have one listener who's more intelligent than both of us combined, who is able to find that particular place.
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So that's where you go.
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Um, just go there, leave us feedback.
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You can trash anyone you want and we'll play it.
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Done.
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Done.
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Done.
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And with that, it's an Evelyn day.
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It is an Evelyn day, and I can make absolutely no connection between what we just talked about and what my prompt is.
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So we're just gonna do a sharp left here into today's topic.
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And today's topic is I don't know.
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I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna tell you a story.
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Okay.
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So I want to tell you about a Christmas gift I got one year.
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And this Christmas gift was from my husband.
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You may know him, Jason.
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And one year for Christmas, he got me a calendar, which was a pie of the month.
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Oh calendar.
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Okay.
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It was great, a pie of the month.
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Um, and to go along with that calendar, he got me a beautiful Le Crose pie plate.
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I know.
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The good stuff.
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The good stuff.
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This beautiful, I think it's red, like an orangey red.
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Totally a color I love.
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I love this pie plate.
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Um don't make a lot of pieces.
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Even though I don't know what color it is.
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Well, because I don't, I'll be honest, I don't make a lot of pies anymore because gluten-free pie baking is a bit of a oh yeah, you can't have them anymore.
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Right, which means no one can have them.
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Yeah, yeah, darn right.
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I can't have them, no one can, right?
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That's exactly how this house works.
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So we as the first one, because this was in December, right?
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Because it was a Christmas gift, so we thought we're gonna start in the new year.
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And um, this was back, I want to say 2014, maybe.
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I love, by the way, that what Jason gave you was a gift that would make your insides royal once a month for a year.
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Neither of you knew it.
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Yeah, we didn't know yet.
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Of like just of just an abomination of gluten gluten attacks on your soul.
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He was like, here.
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Here, this will make your this will make your small intestine dance.
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Scream.
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This isn't gonna put you on the can immediately after you eat a piece of whatever.
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No, it's gonna be fine.
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You're gonna be fine, Ev.
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Love you.
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Yeah, I know.
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We didn't know.
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We didn't know what we didn't know back then.
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So the the first pie we decided to bake from there was a chocolate cream pie.
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And uh a chocolate pie is one of our favorite things.
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My mom made a really good one.
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I believe we tried a different recipe for this one.
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That's just as a middle finger to your mom.
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Just as like, you know what?
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There's other pies out there, mom.
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You don't control me, you don't control me and and the chocolate pies that I make in this house with all the gluten that I shouldn't be eating.
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Uh is destroying my duodenum.
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Thanks, Mom.
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So I made this chocolate pie.
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And I made sure the ingredients were top-notch because I thought if we're having one pie a month, I'm gonna make sure these are the best ingredients, the best pie.
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Like we gotta, we really gotta level up here.
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Give this a fair go, you know.
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Make the ingredients match the quality of the pie plate.
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And I think it had a chocolate crumb crust, is what I want to say.
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But it's this silky, like we're talking made with 35% whipping cream, you know, oh yeah, dark chocolate, um, egg yolks, like a beautiful, beautiful silky custard pie.
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And I put saran wrap on it because the thing is, you know, it's the top of a custard pie.
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You don't want that weird skin.
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You don't want to get the pudding skin.
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You don't want to get the pudding skin, right?
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So then, and then I'm gonna put whipped cream on it, but it obviously needs to chill.
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So it's it's January in Canada, and I was like, well, I'm just gonna put this outside on our front porch on one of our patio chairs, right?
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That we kind of crammed up against it.
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Just let it get snowed on.
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Yeah, let it get snowed on.
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That's fine.
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And I went inside and I came out, you know, cleaning up from the pie, and it came out half an hour later because I was like, it's snowing, it's pretty cold out, it's gonna be fine.
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And I noticed an incredible amount of condensation on top of the pie, like on top of the ceramic.
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And I and I was like, wow, okay, it really did cool down quickly.
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Okay, so I bring the pie inside and I put it on the counter, I put the pie plate on the counter, and I'm like, this is a lot of liquid on top of this pie.
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No, and upon realization, we realized it was not in fact condensation, but it was hot, fresh cat piss.
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Cat piss.
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I knew it.
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Oh god, I knew it.
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Oh, how did I know that?
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Why are they like that?
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Why are why are they like that?
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Yes.
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So I knew it.
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I knew it a mile away.
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Somehow when you said Jay gave me a Jay gave, I knew it from the moment we started this podcast, episode one, I thought, damn it, there is gonna be cat piss on on Evelyn Spy.
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I knew it.
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Oh, yeah, yep.
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They're evil, and it happened, it happened.
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January 205 2015 is when is when that stake in the ground, you know.
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And you probably had, we didn't know each other yet, but you probably had a bit of a bit of like some kind of shiver or I felt it.
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I remember January 2015.
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That was that thing, or it was just like this thing where I I constantly I had the dry heaves all month.
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I don't know what it was.
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I don't know what it was.
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So I found a video and I might insert the audio into this because I found the video that I took of Jason dumping the pie into the garbage.
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And at one point, the I said, Oh, like, is it set?
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And he goes, Yeah, and then some like it's just it was firmed up.
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And he said, Oh, your crust is really beautiful too.
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And then I said, Oh, shut up.
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Was it set?
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And then Tom.
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Was it?
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Oh yeah.
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Oh so Jay, tell us what happened again.
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Cat peed on it.
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Not our cat.
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Not our cat.
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Our cats are too dignified.
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First pie of the month in my new Le Crusé pie plate.
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I think it's a test pie.
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It's a seasoning pie.
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You have to bake one pie in it and then throw it away immediately if you look it's seasoned.
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I guess.
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I don't know.
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Even your crust is gorgeous.
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Oh, shut up.
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So a cat peed all over, all over this beautiful pie.
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Just to close the loop here, we did not eat the pie.
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The whole thing went in the garbage.
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No parts of it were salvaged.
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But some cat trundling along in a cold winter's eve found a nice hot place to pee.
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For the cat, that's the feline equivalent of like one of those luxury bed and breakfasts or the hotel where the bathroom floor heats up.
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Like if you heat the tile, the cat was like, oh my god.
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Yeah, this is a dream.
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Thank goodness.
00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:04.399
Finally, my crotch isn't touching the icicles that I'm trying to pee on right now.
00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:04.799
No.
00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:06.799
Do you think it was your cat?
00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:09.279
No, because our cats are not outside cats.
00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:10.240
Okay, got it.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:11.919
I mean, that's good given that kind of winter.
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:12.240
Yeah.
00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:12.639
Wow.
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:17.200
So some strange neighborhood cat, like in a cartoon, smelled the wafting smell of the pie.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:17.600
Yeah.
00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.159
Floated through the air comfortably towards it.
00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:24.480
But whereas in the cartoon, normally the cat eats the whole pie in this instant, the cat just thought, toilet.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.919
It's the color of what's typically in my litter box, so I'm just gonna keep going.
00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:28.559
Wow.
00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:32.000
So I made another pie the next day, but that's not the point here.
00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:43.519
The point is the point is that my question for you, Nick, is yeah, when was a time that nature just absolutely screwed you over?
00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:45.519
Oh, that's a good prompt.
00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:50.000
When was a time that nature absolutely screwed me over?
00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:51.360
I know there's a good idea.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.440
I mean, this is this is open to anything.
00:14:53.519 --> 00:15:04.240
Like this can be weather, this can be animals urinating on your food, this can be animals that haven't urinated on your food but engaged in some other act of betrayal.
00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:05.039
Oh, yeah.
00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:10.720
Well, and God knows I've been betrayed by some cats in my lifetime.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:11.360
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:12.000
That's real.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:13.679
Sorry to take you back there.
00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:19.279
Yeah, there's so many traumas just piling on top of one another in my head here.
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:20.080
Give me a second.
00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:31.039
Yeah, well, Nick's thinking, I'm just gonna take another opportunity here to correctly invite you to leave a fan voicemail on reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:36.240
You'll see a little link that says fan mail, and you're gonna click on that and you're gonna do whatever it tells you to do.
00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:37.840
Leave us some voicemails.
00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:40.879
It sounds like I'm begging, and it's kind of probably because I am.
00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:41.919
It's not dignified.
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:42.240
Yeah.
00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:42.720
Yeah.
00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:45.360
Because I try to avoid nature as part of it.
00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:52.799
Like, you know, if we're talking about sort of the outdoors, I generally I generally do try to stay away from it.
00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:58.639
I like a nice hike on a trail where like it's clear that people have been hiking there for decades, if not centuries.
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:01.600
So that like you know what I mean, warm down like an explorer.
00:16:01.759 --> 00:16:06.639
Yeah, well, just like where it's like it's like you just know there's gonna be 80 other people that are gonna pass you.
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:08.559
Like, people get lost in California on these hikes.
00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:17.679
And it's funny because if you go to any hiking place in California, like there are a million billion people, and all of them have the fucking their phones on speaker with their music playing super loud.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:25.840
Like you never feel alone on a California hike, and yet there every year there are people who get hopelessly lost and die on those trails because they they fuck it up.
00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:26.799
Oh, geez.
00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:28.879
Little bright side of California thing for you.
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:29.919
Yeah, wow.
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:35.200
Also, I feel like you're a waste of genetic material, of breath.
00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:46.159
No, I feel like you're you're a waste in the California population census because like you're living in one of the most beautiful places in the world and you don't like the outdoors.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:49.360
Like there are millions of people that would love to switch places with you.
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:51.039
I like the outdoors.
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:54.159
I don't like the like sleeping in the outdoors.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:55.360
I like actually being outside.
00:16:55.519 --> 00:16:56.080
I like the heat.
00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:56.960
I like to walk around.
00:16:57.279 --> 00:17:00.399
I don't like when people are like, oh, I'll go set up a whole campsite.
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:01.120
That's not for me.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.279
I'm not I'm not trying to do a bunch of work.
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:05.920
I'm gonna be honest, that was not even on the table.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:11.279
That was you sleeping outdoors was not even any part of this podcast episode.
00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:16.559
So for you to be like, I don't like the outdoors, I was just assuming you don't like being outside.
00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:17.440
No, no, no.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:18.960
I mean, I love I love being outside.
00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:21.920
You know me, I like I like to be hot, I like to walk places.
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:26.559
You know, when you've come out, we I've certainly haven't like been like, let's it's 300 feet away, let's drive.
00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:29.759
Like no, that's a very Canadian attitude, actually.
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:32.000
Like, oh gosh, it's only a two-minute drive.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:32.880
Give me the keys.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.000
Yeah, well, fuck man.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:34.720
I've seen your weather.
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:37.119
It's it's uh it's oppressive.
00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:38.079
It's oppressive.
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:45.039
I know, I know, and you know, you never know what's coming at you, whether it's like snow, blizzard, sleet, cat peeing on your food.
00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:50.640
Like that's a it's a that's a that's a side effect of Canadian winter, right there.
00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:56.000
I mean, that this isn't gonna be the most satisfying answer, but but perhaps it will lead us to one that is more satisfying.
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:58.799
One time when I was in Illinois, I had to park.
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:04.720
I was in Evanston, and the best parking that I could get was usually like two blocks away from my apartment, which is just awful.
00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:06.559
That's an awful distance to walk in the weather.
00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:15.519
But on one spring day when the weather wasn't so bad, I went out to my car, and as I was opening my car door to get into my car, a bird shit on my face and mouth.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:20.079
This is exactly the kind of story I wanted.
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:24.160
Oh, this is yeah, but you just want it because I'm miserable, not because it's special.
00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:26.559
No, the who does that happen to?
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:32.960
Like, this it's actually this is not to me like a I mean, I've been pooped on by a bird, but it didn't go in my face and mouth.
00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:34.400
It just went all over my shoulder.
00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:36.000
Like face and mouth shirt.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:38.640
Uh, so suddenly I'm covered in bird shit and it's awful.
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:40.880
And I what did it taste like?
00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:50.240
I couldn't tell you because the moment it happened, I spat, spat, spat, spat, spat for about four years afterwards, just never stopping ever spitting.
00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:55.200
Uh, I took a I took one of those things that they use to snake drains.
00:18:55.279 --> 00:19:02.240
I bought a brand new one and sterilized it, and then I ran it through my entire mouth and digestive system for a week and a half until I was clean.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:04.400
Um, no, I don't know what the fuck it tasted like.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:06.240
It just immediately spit, spit, spit, spit.
00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:09.119
So then I had to go back into my home.
00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:15.359
I had to walk the two blocks back to my apartment covered in bird shit, had to shower, change my clothes, et cetera.
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:20.240
And so I was late for work that day, and I came in and my boss's dad, who worked for us, laughed when I explained it to him.
00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:24.319
And he said he was from Puerto Rico, and he goes, Oh, in Puerto Rico, that's good, that's good luck.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:24.880
Yeah.
00:19:25.119 --> 00:19:30.400
And so I took a dagger that I had and I shoved it under his wood cage as hard as I could.
00:19:30.480 --> 00:19:40.720
And then I just moved it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in a zigzagging pattern because I felt that he and I didn't didn't share a uh a definition of what good luck could be.
00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:45.920
And I felt like it wasn't fair for both of us to exist in the world until uh until that was resolved.
00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:48.960
So I resolved it the only way I knew how to, back and forth, back and forth.
00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:56.000
And he's crying, he's crying, he's on the ground, you know, and I'm like, oh, it's looks like you're all wet now, right?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:00.160
And he's like, I said good luck, and you know, it was this whole thing.
00:20:00.319 --> 00:20:10.319
So uh, so that was one time where where nature really betrayed you, and you then you took it out on a poor innocent bystander.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:14.480
There's I have another animal story, and this might be shoehorning it in, but it is one of my favorite stories.
00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:19.920
So another apartment in Illinois, I lived in Chicago with my cat, Big Boy, and Big Boy was my soulmate cat.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:21.200
He was your soulmate cat, yeah.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:23.039
Yeah, he was just a really big tabby.
00:20:23.200 --> 00:20:27.519
He was like not a snuggle bug, but he was always near me and always a delight.
00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:28.880
And you know, he had attitude.
00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:30.079
He would try to escape sometimes.
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:31.519
Like, I just I loved him, right?
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:31.839
Yeah.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:35.359
I smoked in my apartment because people did stupid shit like that back then.
00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:42.000
And but and and it was in the transitional period because when I started smoking, I often would leave to go smoke outside.
00:20:42.079 --> 00:20:45.119
And then when you get really addicted to something, you're like, fuck it, I'm not leaving for this.
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:45.440
Right.
00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:50.319
So you open windows and then you smoke out the open windows before you just finally go, fuck it, it's Chicago.
00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:51.279
I'm not opening a window.
00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:51.680
Right.
00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:53.359
I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna smoke in my home.
00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:58.480
So I was right in that transitional period where I had this bathroom window that I would go smoke out of, right?
00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:03.519
And one night, it was a winter night, it was snowing, just tons and tons of snow, cold as shit.
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:10.720
And I had this window and I was playing a poker tournament on my bed in the next room, and I was leaving when I thought I had a moment to go smoke, right?
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:13.839
And that turns out to be a little demanding because the hands are coming up.
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:20.319
And so at one point I just start leaving the window open, but just closing the bathroom door behind me so that I could just make the transition really fast.
00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:25.599
But I kind of forget about it and I'm playing and I haven't gotten up, and then I realize I don't know where Big Boy is.
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:27.200
I'm like, Big Boy, where are you?
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.000
And I don't see him.
00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:32.559
And I'm and then I notice the bathroom door is open, and I thought, oh fuck, there's an open window out there.
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:32.799
Yeah.
00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:37.359
Throw open the bathroom door, look straight at the window, and all I see is a tail.
00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:39.200
Oh no.
00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:47.920
And so I have to step into the tub because it's next to the window, and I open out the window, and Big Boy, who is named Big Boy, because he was 17 pounds when I adopted him.
00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:48.400
Oh yes.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:49.519
Um, and he got bigger.
00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:52.960
He got up to 22 by the time he was like his strongest, he was 22.
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:59.680
But like a big, muscular 17 pound cat has walked himself out onto what amounts to about a three.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.960
Inch snow covered ledge on the side of my building.
00:22:03.119 --> 00:22:11.599
He has walked out onto a three-inch snow covered ledge, and so all I can see is his little tail disappearing, and he's standing on this thing, and it's you know, second story.
00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:12.960
He doesn't know where the fuck he's gonna go.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:14.720
Oh my gosh, big boy, right?
00:22:14.960 --> 00:22:16.799
It's it's snowing.
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:19.759
I thought I was going to lose my mind.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:25.759
And it's one of those things where I know I've never had a child, and I know that it's not the same as having a child, but he was my child.
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:43.839
And when you see your child standing on a three-inch snow covered ledge with no way to get back into the building without a very serious intervention by you and possibly the fire department, a lot of things go through your head about whether you're a good enough parent, about whether there's gonna be something really bad that happens because you're smoking and your mom told you not to smoke, and that's a sin, and it's a whole fucking thing.
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:47.599
And are you just a bad person whose addiction caused his child to die?
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:52.240
Like all of these horrible things are going through your mind as you're as you're panicking.
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.079
And also just it's my cat, right?
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:58.799
And so I I hope that I'm gonna be able to describe this adequately for this program.
00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:03.839
But I reached my arm out the window and I just pressed his big body against the building.
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:13.680
And then I I like leaned halfway out the window and like got my other arm under him, and he was like stock still because he had realized that like he was that fighting was not gonna help him.
00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:15.440
He had the intelligence for that.
00:23:15.599 --> 00:23:24.559
And I just sort of slowly like dragged him against the brick side of the building, gently but firmly, back to the window, and then I pulled him in, and then I closed the window.
00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:28.720
That might have been the reason I started just smoking indoors without the the windows open now that I'm thinking about it.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:37.359
But and then I just shook for six-ish years afterwards, like just the shiver that comes with knowing that you almost lost your only child and your soulmate.
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:37.839
Yes.
00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:38.880
Um, in that moment.
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:46.079
So that was a time where I I assumed that was nature, unless it was so awful to live with me that he realized that it was worth risking his life to escape.
00:23:46.240 --> 00:23:50.640
I think that was a thing where something that's millennia old in that cat went, yeah.
00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:51.200
I don't know.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:52.640
What if I just saw what was outside?
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:53.839
It looks silly out there.
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:54.880
What if I just see what's out there?
00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:56.480
What if I just see what's out there?
00:23:56.720 --> 00:23:57.039
Yeah.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:00.319
I think that's more of a story of you betraying nature.
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:03.440
It's not so much nature betraying you.
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:04.559
That's interesting.
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:05.839
And what was my betrayal?
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:16.960
Well, you're leaving you're leaving a lot of things open that big boy didn't have the wherewithal or the judgment to be like, hey, I'm just gonna see what's at like he's curious, he's just a curious big dude.
00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:24.400
Oh my god, you know, he didn't know that you basically opened the door for him to, you know, make choices.
00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:26.160
I was tempting him to kill himself.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:28.640
You just it was irresponsible.
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:29.279
Do you know what I mean?
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:33.359
It was like keeping a gun, it was like having a child and keeping a gun in the house, like yeah, loaded cocked gun.
00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:34.240
You shouldn't do it.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:35.440
Yeah, a loaded cocked gun.
00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:36.079
You just shouldn't do it.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:39.519
It's on the coffee table, and so nobody had to be harmed in order for me to do it.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:43.119
But that was one time where um nature and I ran a fire of one another.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:44.319
Yeah, wow.
00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:51.519
Well, I would have I think that would have been the moment I quit smoking, but you were like, no, well, the only answer here is to just close the window.
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:53.599
So many opportunities to quit smoking.
00:24:53.759 --> 00:25:00.720
Let me tell you, when I got my wisdom teeth out, the orthodontist said, You cannot smoke for two weeks after having this surgery.
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:01.440
And I said, Why?
00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:03.920
And he said, Because if you do, you can get dry sockets.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:04.640
Do you know what that is?
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:05.519
Yes.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.960
He had to explain it to me.
00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:18.480
And for folks out there to know, you can't suck when you have the wisdom teeth inside your mouth because it can just it can disrupt the scabs, and apparently they're very hard to regrow, and it's it's supposed to be exquisitely painful.
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:20.880
And so he said, if you do it, you will get dry sockets.
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:24.400
It will be the most painful thing you've ever experienced in your life, and there will be nothing I can do to help you.
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:26.480
So, like, you cannot smoke for two weeks.
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:27.519
And I said, Okay.
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:35.039
And he goes, As a health professional, it's incumbent upon me to tell you that that might be a good time for you to just quit smoking forever, since you're gonna stop doing it for two weeks.
00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:37.039
And I said, Ah, oh you.
00:25:37.359 --> 00:25:41.039
And then and we didn't talk about it anymore.
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:43.359
I got my fucking surgery, it was fine.
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:50.559
I didn't smoke for two weeks, and then I did my follow-up appointment two weeks later, and on the way home from that appointment, I got a pack of cigarettes and went back to it.
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:54.000
It was it was the moment the clock went off.
00:25:54.319 --> 00:26:01.759
I was smoking, and the only thing that got me to quit was my wife asking me to, and even then it was months of work to make it happen.
00:26:01.839 --> 00:26:02.079
Yeah.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:08.720
Cigarette smoking, if you haven't started it, don't start because the biggest the worst thing that can happen to you is you might fucking love it.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:10.240
And then you'll still be thinking about it.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:13.119
It's been 16 years since I had a cigarette and I still think about it all the time.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:13.759
Wow.
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:15.440
Oh, gosh, geez.
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:19.920
Maybe the most important question out of that story is was this Dr.
00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:21.039
Bruce King?
00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:22.240
It was not.
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:28.319
It was some orthodontist from Illinois, and I don't remember him other than he didn't make eye contact ever.
00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:28.720
Oh.
00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:33.920
And that was the thing I remember about him was I thought, I thought, for a medical doctor, you don't make any eye contact.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:34.960
And that was weird for me.
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:36.640
But he did a bang up job on my teeth.
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:37.759
You know what's interesting?
00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:44.640
I saw a neurologist for my brain, and he also did not make eye contact, which is so interesting.
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:46.960
Now, this up here, guy.
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:51.279
I was like, my eye, my my brain's up here, sir.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:53.200
My brain is up here.
00:26:53.599 --> 00:27:07.599
Uh, I just attributed it to him being incredibly profoundly good at what he does and just not being very good at social things.
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:11.680
Um, that's kind of what I thought.
00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:17.519
And to be honest, if someone's, you know, looking at imaging of your brain, rooting around your brain, sure.
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:21.039
Um, I don't need them to be cuddly and huggable.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:22.240
I don't need a buddy.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:22.559
No.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:24.480
I don't want a buddy from that guy.
00:27:24.559 --> 00:27:24.720
Yeah.
00:27:24.960 --> 00:27:28.720
Like I, speaking on both of our behalfs, we would make great buddies for people.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:30.880
Like we're very approachable, very kind.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:41.359
Neither one of us should be casting any kind of vision over someone's brain or looking or mouth or any orifice, to be honest.
00:27:41.599 --> 00:27:45.200
When people say it's not brain surgery, that's me they're talking about.
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:49.599
Yeah.
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:50.240
Yeah.
00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:50.640
Yeah.
00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:51.200
I know.
00:27:51.359 --> 00:27:53.440
I think like we gotta leave that to the professionals.
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:53.759
Yeah.
00:27:54.240 --> 00:27:54.960
Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:55.119 --> 00:27:57.680
And then let them make whatever eye contact they will or won't make, right?
00:27:57.839 --> 00:27:58.000
Yeah.
00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:02.000
If you don't make eye contact with your neurologist, like just get over it.
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:02.559
Yeah.
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:05.759
I forgot the guy's name, but he'll always have a place in my mouth.
00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:07.519
That's so good.
00:28:07.680 --> 00:28:08.480
That was really good.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:09.200
That was really good.
00:28:09.680 --> 00:28:09.920
Right here.
00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:12.079
I was right, right in there.
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:24.160
Uh well, Nick, thank you so much for not betraying nature so much that it's really come back to bite you in the ass, but just enough so that it makes for a good story on the reverse jackass podcast.
00:28:24.400 --> 00:28:25.039
Thank you, Evelyn.
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:27.200
And thank you for such a thoughtful prompt.
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:29.920
Well, I mean, I didn't invite it.
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:31.920
I although maybe some would say I did.
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:34.079
I put a pie outside my house.
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:36.400
Who knows what could have happened to it.
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:38.000
I was too trusting.
00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:38.720
Well, what happened?
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:41.279
We used to put pies on window ledges back in the day.
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:43.119
No, I'm not saying what you did is fucked up.
00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:45.920
I'm saying it's fucked up that a cat pissed on your cat doesn't know any better.
00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:50.720
My only fear, truly, is that the cat didn't eat any of the pie because cats can't have chocolate.
00:28:50.880 --> 00:28:52.559
Like it would have been a terrible- Well, you'd know.
00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:54.720
You would have seen part of the pie missing, right?
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:56.000
Like a dead cat down there.
00:28:56.160 --> 00:29:00.160
They're not subtle that they're not like, oh, I better, I better just eat a part of this she won't see.
00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:01.839
They get one little toe in there.
00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:05.680
I better swoop out from the underside here so that uh and then I'll just whiz on it.
00:29:05.920 --> 00:29:06.079
Yeah.
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:06.960
Yeah.
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:08.480
As a final goodbye.
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:12.799
Well, jokes on everyone because I still got a really nice little crusade pie plate downstairs.
00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:16.400
Um and then how many of the how many of the other monthly pies did the cat be on?
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:17.680
Um none.
00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:18.960
We kept them inside.
00:29:19.039 --> 00:29:23.119
And we only made it to, I want to say, we only did two or three pies in the month.
00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:23.519
Yeah.
00:29:25.039 --> 00:29:28.720
I would have noticed that a lot sooner than a lot of liquid, if I'm being honest.
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:30.960
Uh, the next month was a lemon meringue.
00:29:31.039 --> 00:29:33.680
And I gotta say, it was my highest meringue that I ever did.
00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:34.480
It was beautiful.
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:39.920
I might have sent you a picture of that back when we were talking pies one Christmas, maybe, but it was a beautiful meringue.
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:41.039
Inches tall.
00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:41.759
Inches.
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:43.359
And it was really, really good.
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:44.880
And then I think we might have tapped out.
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.640
So if that if the last one was a toilet, this one was more of a urinal.
00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:51.279
Yeah, I really went for the color theme.
00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:52.720
It was really on brand here.
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:56.240
It was a dark brown pie and a bright tall place to take a piss.
00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:57.680
Tall, yeah, yeah.
00:29:57.839 --> 00:30:00.319
Lift your leg over that, big boy.
00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:04.640
They're gonna put that on your tombstone.
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:08.799
I can only hope.
00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:11.839
Lift your leg over that big boy Flanagan.
00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:14.319
Can you can you ensure that happens?
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:15.359
Of course.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:19.599
I mean, I feel like I'm only gonna get pushback from one person who I like.
00:30:19.839 --> 00:30:21.200
Oh, I was like, who, Jay?
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:21.599
Jay.
00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:24.400
Oh, Jay would be gonna push back on that, right?
00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:25.680
No, Jay will be right in for that.
00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:26.160
He'll be fine.
00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:27.200
Okay, he'll get it.
00:30:27.359 --> 00:30:30.799
He knows it's for like it's for the bit, and then he'll he'll commit.
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:32.240
Like he'll be like, no, we gotta do it.
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:34.720
It's just for we talked about it in 2026.
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:37.200
It doesn't matter that it's 30 years later and I'm in grief.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:38.000
Yeah.
00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:42.880
And then the only thing that I could hope is that a cat comes and peas on my gravestone.
00:30:43.039 --> 00:30:43.359
Oh, yeah.
00:30:43.440 --> 00:30:44.720
Well, it's a it's a guarantee.
00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:45.519
It's a guarantee.
00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:47.200
Nick, would you would you take us home?
00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:48.079
You know that I will.
00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:50.960
Folks, thank you so much for joining us on the Reverse Jackass podcast.
00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:51.599
We love you.
00:30:51.839 --> 00:31:00.240
We're appreciative that you joined us on our quest to bring peace between our two countries, and we do hope that you will continue to leave us uh more flattering vocal feedback.
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:03.279
Send us an email at reversejackass at gmail.com.
00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:05.279
Like, subscribe, leave us a review.
00:31:05.440 --> 00:31:08.799
We'll probably read it on on the air if you do, even if it's shitty.
00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:12.559
Um, but otherwise, just keep being kind to yourselves and to one another, and we'll see you next time.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:14.880
Some neighbors are besties.
00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:16.720
Others quarrel bitterly.
00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:19.759
Stuck together through geography.
00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:24.720
One of us has nukes, and the other has tok's.
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.559
It's American and Canadian diplomacy.
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:32.319
It's reversed.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:01.280
It's revolver.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:09.839
Alright, you want to lead us in or do you want me to?
00:00:10.080 --> 00:00:11.119
I'll lead us in.
00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:12.400
I'll lead us in.
00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:15.199
Welcome back, everybody.
00:00:17.839 --> 00:00:19.839
What time signature was that in?
00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:25.920
It sounds like um D'Angelo Vickers from The Office.
00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:36.240
Yes, yes, it does, it does bring back his brain injury.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:36.880
It does.
00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:37.280
It does.
00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:39.039
But you know who doesn't have a brain injury?
00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:41.679
Us at the Reverse Jackass Podcast.
00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:42.479
Welcome.
00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:50.479
Again, I'm Evelyn, the Canadian Blade, representing the entire north of the Canadian-American border here.
00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:52.560
It's a big job, but someone's got to do it.
00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:53.439
And I'm here for it.
00:00:53.600 --> 00:01:00.320
And representing the south of the border, but not in the not the kind in the Taco Bell commercials.
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:01.600
I'm here with my friend Nick Bogner.
00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:04.159
Nick, uh, say hello to the people and tell us how you're doing today.
00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:05.599
Well, I'm doing great.
00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:13.040
I just uh you just enriched my geographical knowledge a little bit by really contextualizing both my country and Taco Bell.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:13.920
So thank you for that.
00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:23.599
Um other than that, I'm in great spirits, except that we received what I would choose to refer to as some very Canadian feedback on our show.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:35.040
Some unwelcome, unhelpful, unenriched Canadian feedback on our show uh in the form of a voice memo, which Evelyn, I think you have and you can play now.
00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:36.560
Hi, Evelyn.
00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:38.480
Uh I just started listening to the podcast.
00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:44.159
I want to say uh uh I really enjoy you, um, but you can absolutely do better than Nick.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:51.599
Uh I'm sure there are other therapists who, you know, are legitimately funny who are willing to come on a podcast with you.
00:01:51.760 --> 00:01:56.879
Um he just listen, I'll be honest with you, he comes across very unlikable.
00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:08.800
He sounds like kind of a dick, kind of like the sort of person who would be really bad at board games, and I just I I want the best for you, Evelyn, and I I just hope that you can find someone better.
00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:11.439
So uh good luck, God bless.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:14.080
I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:22.400
Yeah, okay, so I think everyone listening to this can agree that basically um who run the world, Mark Carney, right now.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:24.240
So I'm not too sure why.
00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:26.000
Is that a thing they're saying in Canada right now?
00:02:26.080 --> 00:02:26.800
Because that's fatass.
00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:28.639
Oh no, I'm Who Run the World Mark Carney?
00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:36.159
I just came up with that, but basically, like we're it's the whole country is doing the wave for Prime Minister Mark Carney over here.
00:02:36.319 --> 00:02:36.719
Oh yeah.
00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:37.120
Yeah.
00:02:37.360 --> 00:02:38.159
As well as should be.
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:41.280
It's it's nice to see a little fucking leadership over there.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:42.479
Oh gosh, I know.
00:02:42.560 --> 00:02:46.560
I I worry that y'all down there have forgotten what that looks like.
00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:52.400
And oh no, oh no, we've we're we've never remembered it more than we're remembering it right now.
00:02:52.560 --> 00:02:57.680
It's never been what we had has never been on our minds as much as it is right now.
00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:04.479
Amber shared something with me that I honestly don't know if it was a joke, but somebody said the gas prices are so bad right now.
00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.560
When it was Biden four years ago, we knew exactly why that was, but now it's a mystery.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:11.039
And I thought that has to be a joke.
00:03:11.120 --> 00:03:12.400
I but we don't know.
00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:20.240
It could be bullshit, it could be internet bullshit, it could be that there are Americans actually stupid enough um to get into this.
00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:22.080
I don't know why this is so high right now.
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:24.240
Yeah, it's a mystery, it's a mystery.
00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:25.599
It's a really real mystery.
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:28.800
Well, I'm just I think it was a joke because they spelled the word mystery correctly.
00:03:29.039 --> 00:03:30.240
Oh, yeah, okay.
00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:31.280
Fair, fair.
00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:32.400
That you know it's AI.
00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:38.319
You know it's AI then when it's it's too intelligent to be dumb, but it's not intelligent enough to be intelligent.
00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:40.000
That's right.
00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:41.280
I just came up with that right now.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:42.000
That's brilliant.
00:03:42.400 --> 00:03:43.120
I know that was really good.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:45.039
It must have been the beef curry I had for lunch.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:46.560
It's given me some superpowers.
00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:52.240
But um, I'm curious as to why now what tips you off that it's Canadian feedback?
00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:56.319
Because it's wrong headed um and abrasive.
00:03:57.039 --> 00:03:59.360
Yes, um speculative.
00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:00.960
Speculative, yes.
00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:01.439
Yeah.
00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:07.439
Are you just are you just cheesed off because it was just one big fat slam dunk about you?
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:12.479
I don't think there I think in order for it to be a slam dunk, points would have to be scored.
00:04:12.639 --> 00:04:15.759
Um, and I don't think any points were scored in this particular thing.
00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:20.399
I think this edgelord, this Canadian edgelord, had some real opinions.
00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:31.759
Um, and he took advantage of the of the welcome math that you and I so kindly laid out to collect uh feedback, and he just deposited his flaming bag of opinions uh on our doorstep.
00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.600
Well, jokes on you, because I am almost positive.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:44.879
I would bet every coin that rolls in from this podcast, I would bet that it is um an American giving that feedback.
00:04:45.199 --> 00:04:55.040
And what I loved about it is that it's addressed to me, but it's just ripping you a new one the whole the whole time.
00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:59.360
And ultimately it ends with I just hope that you can find someone better.
00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:01.120
So good luck, God bless.
00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:03.839
I look forward to hearing more of you and less of Nick.
00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:07.519
I mean, we that's it, that's a easy, that's an easy ask.
00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:08.000
Yeah.
00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:11.600
I could just start going rogue with this thing and recording solo episodes.
00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:13.120
Why haven't we been meaning to record it?
00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:16.399
And people are like, oh, I I love the new direction the podcast is taking.
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:17.279
How did you get there?
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:22.560
And it's like I tune in and it's just you talking with little pre-recorded things of me going, mm-hmm.
00:05:22.720 --> 00:05:23.040
Yeah.
00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:24.639
Oh, that's brilliant.
00:05:24.879 --> 00:05:26.959
Oh, Evelyn, that was your best story yet.
00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:35.600
Like AI versions of me saying stuff I'd never say in real life, like, thank you for all the great content you provide to this podcast, or you know, you're the soul of it.
00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:37.439
Like stuff I would never ever ever say.
00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:44.480
Like stuff I'm gonna totally chop up what you just said and use it, use it throughout every episode moving forward.
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:47.439
Yeah, I'm gonna use that one too.
00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:50.000
Right after I say, Nick, how are you doing today?
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:54.000
Give us the old Neanderthal grunt.
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:54.639
I like it.
00:05:54.800 --> 00:06:01.040
Well, speaking of liking, I really liked this uh this voice memo, this fan mail that we got.
00:06:01.199 --> 00:06:02.000
I love it.
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:06.560
Uh, it was a great one to to just kind of break in, break it in.
00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:08.399
I don't know break it, break it in.
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.800
Break it down, break it in, break it down.
00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:12.560
Break it down.
00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:19.439
So I want to say to DNJM, uh, you can leave these anytime you want.
00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:22.959
I feel like this might have been a bit of a cathartic experience for you.
00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:27.519
And I want to offer you more opportunities to do that.
00:06:27.680 --> 00:06:37.839
So anytime Nick says something on this podcast, and you know, you said that he sounds like he would be the person who's like really bad at board games.
00:06:38.079 --> 00:06:46.160
If he says anything else that hints to other things he might be bad at, you can just keep leaving those little fan mail messages and we'll keep playing them on here.
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:56.560
And just to and just speaking in utter candor, I had no idea you could leave a voice memo for this website for this podcast at buzzsprout.com.
00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:58.959
So you all can do that if you choose to.
00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:01.439
Um, and we might even play it on the air.
00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:04.000
I will play it on the air if it insults Evelyn.
00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:12.240
I will guarantee you airtime if you come with something that's a little more, let's say, fair and balanced, but this time since it was the first one, I made an exception.
00:07:12.560 --> 00:07:21.680
Well, I've said many times on this podcast that people can leave fan mail at reversejackass.brass.
00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:24.160
Oh, maybe this is why they didn't get the memo.
00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:28.879
Reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:37.839
And clearly we have one listener who's more intelligent than both of us combined, who is able to find that particular place.
00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:39.360
So that's where you go.
00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:41.839
Um, just go there, leave us feedback.
00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.000
You can trash anyone you want and we'll play it.
00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:44.800
Done.
00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:46.319
Done.
00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:46.879
Done.
00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:49.040
And with that, it's an Evelyn day.
00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:54.560
It is an Evelyn day, and I can make absolutely no connection between what we just talked about and what my prompt is.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:57.759
So we're just gonna do a sharp left here into today's topic.
00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:01.120
And today's topic is I don't know.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:03.120
I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna tell you a story.
00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:03.600
Okay.
00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:07.680
So I want to tell you about a Christmas gift I got one year.
00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:10.480
And this Christmas gift was from my husband.
00:08:10.720 --> 00:08:12.160
You may know him, Jason.
00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:18.720
And one year for Christmas, he got me a calendar, which was a pie of the month.
00:08:19.120 --> 00:08:19.839
Oh calendar.
00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:20.319
Okay.
00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:22.240
It was great, a pie of the month.
00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:28.000
Um, and to go along with that calendar, he got me a beautiful Le Crose pie plate.
00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:29.040
I know.
00:08:29.279 --> 00:08:30.000
The good stuff.
00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:31.040
The good stuff.
00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:34.080
This beautiful, I think it's red, like an orangey red.
00:08:34.240 --> 00:08:35.600
Totally a color I love.
00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:37.200
I love this pie plate.
00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:38.879
Um don't make a lot of pieces.
00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:40.320
Even though I don't know what color it is.
00:08:40.480 --> 00:08:49.279
Well, because I don't, I'll be honest, I don't make a lot of pies anymore because gluten-free pie baking is a bit of a oh yeah, you can't have them anymore.
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:50.960
Right, which means no one can have them.
00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:52.559
Yeah, yeah, darn right.
00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:54.720
I can't have them, no one can, right?
00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:56.480
That's exactly how this house works.
00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:59.600
So we as the first one, because this was in December, right?
00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:02.639
Because it was a Christmas gift, so we thought we're gonna start in the new year.
00:09:02.960 --> 00:09:08.080
And um, this was back, I want to say 2014, maybe.
00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:15.279
I love, by the way, that what Jason gave you was a gift that would make your insides royal once a month for a year.
00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:16.240
Neither of you knew it.
00:09:16.399 --> 00:09:17.120
Yeah, we didn't know yet.
00:09:18.159 --> 00:09:24.000
Of like just of just an abomination of gluten gluten attacks on your soul.
00:09:24.159 --> 00:09:24.799
He was like, here.
00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:29.200
Here, this will make your this will make your small intestine dance.
00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:30.159
Scream.
00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:34.960
This isn't gonna put you on the can immediately after you eat a piece of whatever.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:36.480
No, it's gonna be fine.
00:09:36.559 --> 00:09:37.440
You're gonna be fine, Ev.
00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:38.159
Love you.
00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:38.960
Yeah, I know.
00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:39.440
We didn't know.
00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:41.279
We didn't know what we didn't know back then.
00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:46.480
So the the first pie we decided to bake from there was a chocolate cream pie.
00:09:47.200 --> 00:09:50.399
And uh a chocolate pie is one of our favorite things.
00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:51.759
My mom made a really good one.
00:09:51.840 --> 00:09:54.000
I believe we tried a different recipe for this one.
00:09:54.320 --> 00:09:55.919
That's just as a middle finger to your mom.
00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:57.120
Just as like, you know what?
00:09:57.200 --> 00:09:58.879
There's other pies out there, mom.
00:09:59.279 --> 00:10:05.919
You don't control me, you don't control me and and the chocolate pies that I make in this house with all the gluten that I shouldn't be eating.
00:10:06.080 --> 00:10:08.639
Uh is destroying my duodenum.
00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:09.360
Thanks, Mom.
00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:10.960
So I made this chocolate pie.
00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:18.720
And I made sure the ingredients were top-notch because I thought if we're having one pie a month, I'm gonna make sure these are the best ingredients, the best pie.
00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:22.480
Like we gotta, we really gotta level up here.
00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:24.159
Give this a fair go, you know.
00:10:24.559 --> 00:10:27.759
Make the ingredients match the quality of the pie plate.
00:10:28.000 --> 00:10:31.360
And I think it had a chocolate crumb crust, is what I want to say.
00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:44.080
But it's this silky, like we're talking made with 35% whipping cream, you know, oh yeah, dark chocolate, um, egg yolks, like a beautiful, beautiful silky custard pie.
00:10:44.399 --> 00:10:49.200
And I put saran wrap on it because the thing is, you know, it's the top of a custard pie.
00:10:49.279 --> 00:10:50.399
You don't want that weird skin.
00:10:50.720 --> 00:10:51.600
You don't want to get the pudding skin.
00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:53.279
You don't want to get the pudding skin, right?
00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:56.960
So then, and then I'm gonna put whipped cream on it, but it obviously needs to chill.
00:10:57.200 --> 00:11:04.240
So it's it's January in Canada, and I was like, well, I'm just gonna put this outside on our front porch on one of our patio chairs, right?
00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:05.679
That we kind of crammed up against it.
00:11:05.919 --> 00:11:06.720
Just let it get snowed on.
00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:07.919
Yeah, let it get snowed on.
00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:08.639
That's fine.
00:11:08.960 --> 00:11:16.799
And I went inside and I came out, you know, cleaning up from the pie, and it came out half an hour later because I was like, it's snowing, it's pretty cold out, it's gonna be fine.
00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:22.080
And I noticed an incredible amount of condensation on top of the pie, like on top of the ceramic.
00:11:22.639 --> 00:11:27.120
And I and I was like, wow, okay, it really did cool down quickly.
00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:34.480
Okay, so I bring the pie inside and I put it on the counter, I put the pie plate on the counter, and I'm like, this is a lot of liquid on top of this pie.
00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:43.200
No, and upon realization, we realized it was not in fact condensation, but it was hot, fresh cat piss.
00:11:43.440 --> 00:11:44.080
Cat piss.
00:11:44.159 --> 00:11:44.720
I knew it.
00:11:44.879 --> 00:11:46.159
Oh god, I knew it.
00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:47.840
Oh, how did I know that?
00:11:47.919 --> 00:11:48.879
Why are they like that?
00:11:49.120 --> 00:11:50.960
Why are why are they like that?
00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:51.679
Yes.
00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:53.840
So I knew it.
00:11:54.000 --> 00:11:55.039
I knew it a mile away.
00:11:55.440 --> 00:12:06.159
Somehow when you said Jay gave me a Jay gave, I knew it from the moment we started this podcast, episode one, I thought, damn it, there is gonna be cat piss on on Evelyn Spy.
00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:07.039
I knew it.
00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:08.399
Oh, yeah, yep.
00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:10.879
They're evil, and it happened, it happened.
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:16.559
January 205 2015 is when is when that stake in the ground, you know.
00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:22.960
And you probably had, we didn't know each other yet, but you probably had a bit of a bit of like some kind of shiver or I felt it.
00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:24.639
I remember January 2015.
00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:30.399
That was that thing, or it was just like this thing where I I constantly I had the dry heaves all month.
00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:31.519
I don't know what it was.
00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:33.039
I don't know what it was.
00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:45.039
So I found a video and I might insert the audio into this because I found the video that I took of Jason dumping the pie into the garbage.
00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:50.799
And at one point, the I said, Oh, like, is it set?
00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:54.480
And he goes, Yeah, and then some like it's just it was firmed up.
00:12:54.720 --> 00:12:57.600
And he said, Oh, your crust is really beautiful too.
00:12:57.759 --> 00:12:59.440
And then I said, Oh, shut up.
00:12:59.759 --> 00:13:00.559
Was it set?
00:13:02.080 --> 00:13:02.960
And then Tom.
00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:04.480
Was it?
00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:06.159
Oh yeah.
00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:09.519
Oh so Jay, tell us what happened again.
00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:10.879
Cat peed on it.
00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:11.759
Not our cat.
00:13:12.080 --> 00:13:12.639
Not our cat.
00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:14.240
Our cats are too dignified.
00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:17.840
First pie of the month in my new Le Crusé pie plate.
00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:19.440
I think it's a test pie.
00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:20.720
It's a seasoning pie.
00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:25.360
You have to bake one pie in it and then throw it away immediately if you look it's seasoned.
00:13:25.600 --> 00:13:26.080
I guess.
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:26.480
I don't know.
00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:28.000
Even your crust is gorgeous.
00:13:28.320 --> 00:13:29.200
Oh, shut up.
00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:34.320
So a cat peed all over, all over this beautiful pie.
00:13:34.720 --> 00:13:37.759
Just to close the loop here, we did not eat the pie.
00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:39.840
The whole thing went in the garbage.
00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:41.840
No parts of it were salvaged.
00:13:42.080 --> 00:13:48.080
But some cat trundling along in a cold winter's eve found a nice hot place to pee.
00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:54.399
For the cat, that's the feline equivalent of like one of those luxury bed and breakfasts or the hotel where the bathroom floor heats up.
00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:56.960
Like if you heat the tile, the cat was like, oh my god.
00:13:57.200 --> 00:13:58.320
Yeah, this is a dream.
00:13:58.799 --> 00:13:59.279
Thank goodness.
00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:04.399
Finally, my crotch isn't touching the icicles that I'm trying to pee on right now.
00:14:04.480 --> 00:14:04.799
No.
00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:06.799
Do you think it was your cat?
00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:09.279
No, because our cats are not outside cats.
00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:10.240
Okay, got it.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:11.919
I mean, that's good given that kind of winter.
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:12.240
Yeah.
00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:12.639
Wow.
00:14:12.720 --> 00:14:17.200
So some strange neighborhood cat, like in a cartoon, smelled the wafting smell of the pie.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:17.600
Yeah.
00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.159
Floated through the air comfortably towards it.
00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:24.480
But whereas in the cartoon, normally the cat eats the whole pie in this instant, the cat just thought, toilet.
00:14:24.720 --> 00:14:27.919
It's the color of what's typically in my litter box, so I'm just gonna keep going.
00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:28.559
Wow.
00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:32.000
So I made another pie the next day, but that's not the point here.
00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:43.519
The point is the point is that my question for you, Nick, is yeah, when was a time that nature just absolutely screwed you over?
00:14:43.840 --> 00:14:45.519
Oh, that's a good prompt.
00:14:46.000 --> 00:14:50.000
When was a time that nature absolutely screwed me over?
00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:51.360
I know there's a good idea.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.440
I mean, this is this is open to anything.
00:14:53.519 --> 00:15:04.240
Like this can be weather, this can be animals urinating on your food, this can be animals that haven't urinated on your food but engaged in some other act of betrayal.
00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:05.039
Oh, yeah.
00:15:05.120 --> 00:15:10.720
Well, and God knows I've been betrayed by some cats in my lifetime.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:11.360
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:12.000
That's real.
00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:13.679
Sorry to take you back there.
00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:19.279
Yeah, there's so many traumas just piling on top of one another in my head here.
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:20.080
Give me a second.
00:15:20.639 --> 00:15:31.039
Yeah, well, Nick's thinking, I'm just gonna take another opportunity here to correctly invite you to leave a fan voicemail on reversejackass.buzzsprout.com.
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:36.240
You'll see a little link that says fan mail, and you're gonna click on that and you're gonna do whatever it tells you to do.
00:15:36.720 --> 00:15:37.840
Leave us some voicemails.
00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:40.879
It sounds like I'm begging, and it's kind of probably because I am.
00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:41.919
It's not dignified.
00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:42.240
Yeah.
00:15:42.399 --> 00:15:42.720
Yeah.
00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:45.360
Because I try to avoid nature as part of it.
00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:52.799
Like, you know, if we're talking about sort of the outdoors, I generally I generally do try to stay away from it.
00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:58.639
I like a nice hike on a trail where like it's clear that people have been hiking there for decades, if not centuries.
00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:01.600
So that like you know what I mean, warm down like an explorer.
00:16:01.759 --> 00:16:06.639
Yeah, well, just like where it's like it's like you just know there's gonna be 80 other people that are gonna pass you.
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:08.559
Like, people get lost in California on these hikes.
00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:17.679
And it's funny because if you go to any hiking place in California, like there are a million billion people, and all of them have the fucking their phones on speaker with their music playing super loud.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:25.840
Like you never feel alone on a California hike, and yet there every year there are people who get hopelessly lost and die on those trails because they they fuck it up.
00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:26.799
Oh, geez.
00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:28.879
Little bright side of California thing for you.
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:29.919
Yeah, wow.
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:35.200
Also, I feel like you're a waste of genetic material, of breath.
00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:46.159
No, I feel like you're you're a waste in the California population census because like you're living in one of the most beautiful places in the world and you don't like the outdoors.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:49.360
Like there are millions of people that would love to switch places with you.
00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:51.039
I like the outdoors.
00:16:51.200 --> 00:16:54.159
I don't like the like sleeping in the outdoors.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:55.360
I like actually being outside.
00:16:55.519 --> 00:16:56.080
I like the heat.
00:16:56.159 --> 00:16:56.960
I like to walk around.
00:16:57.279 --> 00:17:00.399
I don't like when people are like, oh, I'll go set up a whole campsite.
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:01.120
That's not for me.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:03.279
I'm not I'm not trying to do a bunch of work.
00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:05.920
I'm gonna be honest, that was not even on the table.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:11.279
That was you sleeping outdoors was not even any part of this podcast episode.
00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:16.559
So for you to be like, I don't like the outdoors, I was just assuming you don't like being outside.
00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:17.440
No, no, no.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:18.960
I mean, I love I love being outside.
00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:21.920
You know me, I like I like to be hot, I like to walk places.
00:17:22.160 --> 00:17:26.559
You know, when you've come out, we I've certainly haven't like been like, let's it's 300 feet away, let's drive.
00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:29.759
Like no, that's a very Canadian attitude, actually.
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:32.000
Like, oh gosh, it's only a two-minute drive.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:32.880
Give me the keys.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.000
Yeah, well, fuck man.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:34.720
I've seen your weather.
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:37.119
It's it's uh it's oppressive.
00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:38.079
It's oppressive.
00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:45.039
I know, I know, and you know, you never know what's coming at you, whether it's like snow, blizzard, sleet, cat peeing on your food.
00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:50.640
Like that's a it's a that's a that's a side effect of Canadian winter, right there.
00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:56.000
I mean, that this isn't gonna be the most satisfying answer, but but perhaps it will lead us to one that is more satisfying.
00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:58.799
One time when I was in Illinois, I had to park.
00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:04.720
I was in Evanston, and the best parking that I could get was usually like two blocks away from my apartment, which is just awful.
00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:06.559
That's an awful distance to walk in the weather.
00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:15.519
But on one spring day when the weather wasn't so bad, I went out to my car, and as I was opening my car door to get into my car, a bird shit on my face and mouth.
00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:20.079
This is exactly the kind of story I wanted.
00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:24.160
Oh, this is yeah, but you just want it because I'm miserable, not because it's special.
00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:26.559
No, the who does that happen to?
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:32.960
Like, this it's actually this is not to me like a I mean, I've been pooped on by a bird, but it didn't go in my face and mouth.
00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:34.400
It just went all over my shoulder.
00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:36.000
Like face and mouth shirt.
00:18:36.079 --> 00:18:38.640
Uh, so suddenly I'm covered in bird shit and it's awful.
00:18:38.720 --> 00:18:40.880
And I what did it taste like?
00:18:41.200 --> 00:18:50.240
I couldn't tell you because the moment it happened, I spat, spat, spat, spat, spat for about four years afterwards, just never stopping ever spitting.
00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:55.200
Uh, I took a I took one of those things that they use to snake drains.
00:18:55.279 --> 00:19:02.240
I bought a brand new one and sterilized it, and then I ran it through my entire mouth and digestive system for a week and a half until I was clean.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:04.400
Um, no, I don't know what the fuck it tasted like.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:06.240
It just immediately spit, spit, spit, spit.
00:19:07.119 --> 00:19:09.119
So then I had to go back into my home.
00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:15.359
I had to walk the two blocks back to my apartment covered in bird shit, had to shower, change my clothes, et cetera.
00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:20.240
And so I was late for work that day, and I came in and my boss's dad, who worked for us, laughed when I explained it to him.
00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:24.319
And he said he was from Puerto Rico, and he goes, Oh, in Puerto Rico, that's good, that's good luck.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:24.880
Yeah.
00:19:25.119 --> 00:19:30.400
And so I took a dagger that I had and I shoved it under his wood cage as hard as I could.
00:19:30.480 --> 00:19:40.720
And then I just moved it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in a zigzagging pattern because I felt that he and I didn't didn't share a uh a definition of what good luck could be.
00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:45.920
And I felt like it wasn't fair for both of us to exist in the world until uh until that was resolved.
00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:48.960
So I resolved it the only way I knew how to, back and forth, back and forth.
00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:56.000
And he's crying, he's crying, he's on the ground, you know, and I'm like, oh, it's looks like you're all wet now, right?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:00.160
And he's like, I said good luck, and you know, it was this whole thing.
00:20:00.319 --> 00:20:10.319
So uh, so that was one time where where nature really betrayed you, and you then you took it out on a poor innocent bystander.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:14.480
There's I have another animal story, and this might be shoehorning it in, but it is one of my favorite stories.
00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:19.920
So another apartment in Illinois, I lived in Chicago with my cat, Big Boy, and Big Boy was my soulmate cat.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:21.200
He was your soulmate cat, yeah.
00:20:21.359 --> 00:20:23.039
Yeah, he was just a really big tabby.
00:20:23.200 --> 00:20:27.519
He was like not a snuggle bug, but he was always near me and always a delight.
00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:28.880
And you know, he had attitude.
00:20:28.960 --> 00:20:30.079
He would try to escape sometimes.
00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:31.519
Like, I just I loved him, right?
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:31.839
Yeah.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:35.359
I smoked in my apartment because people did stupid shit like that back then.
00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:42.000
And but and and it was in the transitional period because when I started smoking, I often would leave to go smoke outside.
00:20:42.079 --> 00:20:45.119
And then when you get really addicted to something, you're like, fuck it, I'm not leaving for this.
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:45.440
Right.
00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:50.319
So you open windows and then you smoke out the open windows before you just finally go, fuck it, it's Chicago.
00:20:50.400 --> 00:20:51.279
I'm not opening a window.
00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:51.680
Right.
00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:53.359
I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna smoke in my home.
00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:58.480
So I was right in that transitional period where I had this bathroom window that I would go smoke out of, right?
00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:03.519
And one night, it was a winter night, it was snowing, just tons and tons of snow, cold as shit.
00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:10.720
And I had this window and I was playing a poker tournament on my bed in the next room, and I was leaving when I thought I had a moment to go smoke, right?
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:13.839
And that turns out to be a little demanding because the hands are coming up.
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:20.319
And so at one point I just start leaving the window open, but just closing the bathroom door behind me so that I could just make the transition really fast.
00:21:20.559 --> 00:21:25.599
But I kind of forget about it and I'm playing and I haven't gotten up, and then I realize I don't know where Big Boy is.
00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:27.200
I'm like, Big Boy, where are you?
00:21:27.279 --> 00:21:28.000
And I don't see him.
00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:32.559
And I'm and then I notice the bathroom door is open, and I thought, oh fuck, there's an open window out there.
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:32.799
Yeah.
00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:37.359
Throw open the bathroom door, look straight at the window, and all I see is a tail.
00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:39.200
Oh no.
00:21:39.519 --> 00:21:47.920
And so I have to step into the tub because it's next to the window, and I open out the window, and Big Boy, who is named Big Boy, because he was 17 pounds when I adopted him.
00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:48.400
Oh yes.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:49.519
Um, and he got bigger.
00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:52.960
He got up to 22 by the time he was like his strongest, he was 22.
00:21:53.039 --> 00:21:59.680
But like a big, muscular 17 pound cat has walked himself out onto what amounts to about a three.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.960
Inch snow covered ledge on the side of my building.
00:22:03.119 --> 00:22:11.599
He has walked out onto a three-inch snow covered ledge, and so all I can see is his little tail disappearing, and he's standing on this thing, and it's you know, second story.
00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:12.960
He doesn't know where the fuck he's gonna go.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:14.720
Oh my gosh, big boy, right?
00:22:14.960 --> 00:22:16.799
It's it's snowing.
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:19.759
I thought I was going to lose my mind.
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:25.759
And it's one of those things where I know I've never had a child, and I know that it's not the same as having a child, but he was my child.
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:43.839
And when you see your child standing on a three-inch snow covered ledge with no way to get back into the building without a very serious intervention by you and possibly the fire department, a lot of things go through your head about whether you're a good enough parent, about whether there's gonna be something really bad that happens because you're smoking and your mom told you not to smoke, and that's a sin, and it's a whole fucking thing.
00:22:43.920 --> 00:22:47.599
And are you just a bad person whose addiction caused his child to die?
00:22:47.759 --> 00:22:52.240
Like all of these horrible things are going through your mind as you're as you're panicking.
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.079
And also just it's my cat, right?
00:22:54.160 --> 00:22:58.799
And so I I hope that I'm gonna be able to describe this adequately for this program.
00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:03.839
But I reached my arm out the window and I just pressed his big body against the building.
00:23:04.480 --> 00:23:13.680
And then I I like leaned halfway out the window and like got my other arm under him, and he was like stock still because he had realized that like he was that fighting was not gonna help him.
00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:15.440
He had the intelligence for that.
00:23:15.599 --> 00:23:24.559
And I just sort of slowly like dragged him against the brick side of the building, gently but firmly, back to the window, and then I pulled him in, and then I closed the window.
00:23:24.720 --> 00:23:28.720
That might have been the reason I started just smoking indoors without the the windows open now that I'm thinking about it.
00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:37.359
But and then I just shook for six-ish years afterwards, like just the shiver that comes with knowing that you almost lost your only child and your soulmate.
00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:37.839
Yes.
00:23:38.000 --> 00:23:38.880
Um, in that moment.
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:46.079
So that was a time where I I assumed that was nature, unless it was so awful to live with me that he realized that it was worth risking his life to escape.
00:23:46.240 --> 00:23:50.640
I think that was a thing where something that's millennia old in that cat went, yeah.
00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:51.200
I don't know.
00:23:51.279 --> 00:23:52.640
What if I just saw what was outside?
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:53.839
It looks silly out there.
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:54.880
What if I just see what's out there?
00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:56.480
What if I just see what's out there?
00:23:56.720 --> 00:23:57.039
Yeah.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:00.319
I think that's more of a story of you betraying nature.
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:03.440
It's not so much nature betraying you.
00:24:03.920 --> 00:24:04.559
That's interesting.
00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:05.839
And what was my betrayal?
00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:16.960
Well, you're leaving you're leaving a lot of things open that big boy didn't have the wherewithal or the judgment to be like, hey, I'm just gonna see what's at like he's curious, he's just a curious big dude.
00:24:17.119 --> 00:24:24.400
Oh my god, you know, he didn't know that you basically opened the door for him to, you know, make choices.
00:24:24.799 --> 00:24:26.160
I was tempting him to kill himself.
00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:28.640
You just it was irresponsible.
00:24:28.720 --> 00:24:29.279
Do you know what I mean?
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:33.359
It was like keeping a gun, it was like having a child and keeping a gun in the house, like yeah, loaded cocked gun.
00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:34.240
You shouldn't do it.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:35.440
Yeah, a loaded cocked gun.
00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:36.079
You just shouldn't do it.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:39.519
It's on the coffee table, and so nobody had to be harmed in order for me to do it.
00:24:39.599 --> 00:24:43.119
But that was one time where um nature and I ran a fire of one another.
00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:44.319
Yeah, wow.
00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:51.519
Well, I would have I think that would have been the moment I quit smoking, but you were like, no, well, the only answer here is to just close the window.
00:24:52.079 --> 00:24:53.599
So many opportunities to quit smoking.
00:24:53.759 --> 00:25:00.720
Let me tell you, when I got my wisdom teeth out, the orthodontist said, You cannot smoke for two weeks after having this surgery.
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:01.440
And I said, Why?
00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:03.920
And he said, Because if you do, you can get dry sockets.
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:04.640
Do you know what that is?
00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:05.519
Yes.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.960
He had to explain it to me.
00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:18.480
And for folks out there to know, you can't suck when you have the wisdom teeth inside your mouth because it can just it can disrupt the scabs, and apparently they're very hard to regrow, and it's it's supposed to be exquisitely painful.
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:20.880
And so he said, if you do it, you will get dry sockets.
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:24.400
It will be the most painful thing you've ever experienced in your life, and there will be nothing I can do to help you.
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:26.480
So, like, you cannot smoke for two weeks.
00:25:26.559 --> 00:25:27.519
And I said, Okay.
00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:35.039
And he goes, As a health professional, it's incumbent upon me to tell you that that might be a good time for you to just quit smoking forever, since you're gonna stop doing it for two weeks.
00:25:35.119 --> 00:25:37.039
And I said, Ah, oh you.
00:25:37.359 --> 00:25:41.039
And then and we didn't talk about it anymore.
00:25:41.279 --> 00:25:43.359
I got my fucking surgery, it was fine.
00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:50.559
I didn't smoke for two weeks, and then I did my follow-up appointment two weeks later, and on the way home from that appointment, I got a pack of cigarettes and went back to it.
00:25:50.720 --> 00:25:54.000
It was it was the moment the clock went off.
00:25:54.319 --> 00:26:01.759
I was smoking, and the only thing that got me to quit was my wife asking me to, and even then it was months of work to make it happen.
00:26:01.839 --> 00:26:02.079
Yeah.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:08.720
Cigarette smoking, if you haven't started it, don't start because the biggest the worst thing that can happen to you is you might fucking love it.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:10.240
And then you'll still be thinking about it.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:13.119
It's been 16 years since I had a cigarette and I still think about it all the time.
00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:13.759
Wow.
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:15.440
Oh, gosh, geez.
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:19.920
Maybe the most important question out of that story is was this Dr.
00:26:20.079 --> 00:26:21.039
Bruce King?
00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:22.240
It was not.
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:28.319
It was some orthodontist from Illinois, and I don't remember him other than he didn't make eye contact ever.
00:26:28.480 --> 00:26:28.720
Oh.
00:26:28.880 --> 00:26:33.920
And that was the thing I remember about him was I thought, I thought, for a medical doctor, you don't make any eye contact.
00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:34.960
And that was weird for me.
00:26:35.039 --> 00:26:36.640
But he did a bang up job on my teeth.
00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:37.759
You know what's interesting?
00:26:37.920 --> 00:26:44.640
I saw a neurologist for my brain, and he also did not make eye contact, which is so interesting.
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:46.960
Now, this up here, guy.
00:26:47.359 --> 00:26:51.279
I was like, my eye, my my brain's up here, sir.
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:53.200
My brain is up here.
00:26:53.599 --> 00:27:07.599
Uh, I just attributed it to him being incredibly profoundly good at what he does and just not being very good at social things.
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:11.680
Um, that's kind of what I thought.
00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:17.519
And to be honest, if someone's, you know, looking at imaging of your brain, rooting around your brain, sure.
00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:21.039
Um, I don't need them to be cuddly and huggable.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:22.240
I don't need a buddy.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:22.559
No.
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:24.480
I don't want a buddy from that guy.
00:27:24.559 --> 00:27:24.720
Yeah.
00:27:24.960 --> 00:27:28.720
Like I, speaking on both of our behalfs, we would make great buddies for people.
00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:30.880
Like we're very approachable, very kind.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:41.359
Neither one of us should be casting any kind of vision over someone's brain or looking or mouth or any orifice, to be honest.
00:27:41.599 --> 00:27:45.200
When people say it's not brain surgery, that's me they're talking about.
00:27:49.039 --> 00:27:49.599
Yeah.
00:27:49.839 --> 00:27:50.240
Yeah.
00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:50.640
Yeah.
00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:51.200
I know.
00:27:51.359 --> 00:27:53.440
I think like we gotta leave that to the professionals.
00:27:53.599 --> 00:27:53.759
Yeah.
00:27:54.240 --> 00:27:54.960
Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:55.119 --> 00:27:57.680
And then let them make whatever eye contact they will or won't make, right?
00:27:57.839 --> 00:27:58.000
Yeah.
00:27:58.160 --> 00:28:02.000
If you don't make eye contact with your neurologist, like just get over it.
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:02.559
Yeah.
00:28:02.720 --> 00:28:05.759
I forgot the guy's name, but he'll always have a place in my mouth.
00:28:06.640 --> 00:28:07.519
That's so good.
00:28:07.680 --> 00:28:08.480
That was really good.
00:28:08.640 --> 00:28:09.200
That was really good.
00:28:09.680 --> 00:28:09.920
Right here.
00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:12.079
I was right, right in there.
00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:24.160
Uh well, Nick, thank you so much for not betraying nature so much that it's really come back to bite you in the ass, but just enough so that it makes for a good story on the reverse jackass podcast.
00:28:24.400 --> 00:28:25.039
Thank you, Evelyn.
00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:27.200
And thank you for such a thoughtful prompt.
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:29.920
Well, I mean, I didn't invite it.
00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:31.920
I although maybe some would say I did.
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:34.079
I put a pie outside my house.
00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:36.400
Who knows what could have happened to it.
00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:38.000
I was too trusting.
00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:38.720
Well, what happened?
00:28:38.880 --> 00:28:41.279
We used to put pies on window ledges back in the day.
00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:43.119
No, I'm not saying what you did is fucked up.
00:28:43.200 --> 00:28:45.920
I'm saying it's fucked up that a cat pissed on your cat doesn't know any better.
00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:50.720
My only fear, truly, is that the cat didn't eat any of the pie because cats can't have chocolate.
00:28:50.880 --> 00:28:52.559
Like it would have been a terrible- Well, you'd know.
00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:54.720
You would have seen part of the pie missing, right?
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:56.000
Like a dead cat down there.
00:28:56.160 --> 00:29:00.160
They're not subtle that they're not like, oh, I better, I better just eat a part of this she won't see.
00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:01.839
They get one little toe in there.
00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:05.680
I better swoop out from the underside here so that uh and then I'll just whiz on it.
00:29:05.920 --> 00:29:06.079
Yeah.
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:06.960
Yeah.
00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:08.480
As a final goodbye.
00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:12.799
Well, jokes on everyone because I still got a really nice little crusade pie plate downstairs.
00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:16.400
Um and then how many of the how many of the other monthly pies did the cat be on?
00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:17.680
Um none.
00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:18.960
We kept them inside.
00:29:19.039 --> 00:29:23.119
And we only made it to, I want to say, we only did two or three pies in the month.
00:29:23.359 --> 00:29:23.519
Yeah.
00:29:25.039 --> 00:29:28.720
I would have noticed that a lot sooner than a lot of liquid, if I'm being honest.
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:30.960
Uh, the next month was a lemon meringue.
00:29:31.039 --> 00:29:33.680
And I gotta say, it was my highest meringue that I ever did.
00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:34.480
It was beautiful.
00:29:34.559 --> 00:29:39.920
I might have sent you a picture of that back when we were talking pies one Christmas, maybe, but it was a beautiful meringue.
00:29:40.079 --> 00:29:41.039
Inches tall.
00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:41.759
Inches.
00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:43.359
And it was really, really good.
00:29:43.440 --> 00:29:44.880
And then I think we might have tapped out.
00:29:45.200 --> 00:29:48.640
So if that if the last one was a toilet, this one was more of a urinal.
00:29:49.680 --> 00:29:51.279
Yeah, I really went for the color theme.
00:29:51.440 --> 00:29:52.720
It was really on brand here.
00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:56.240
It was a dark brown pie and a bright tall place to take a piss.
00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:57.680
Tall, yeah, yeah.
00:29:57.839 --> 00:30:00.319
Lift your leg over that, big boy.
00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:04.640
They're gonna put that on your tombstone.
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:08.799
I can only hope.
00:30:09.680 --> 00:30:11.839
Lift your leg over that big boy Flanagan.
00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:14.319
Can you can you ensure that happens?
00:30:14.960 --> 00:30:15.359
Of course.
00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:19.599
I mean, I feel like I'm only gonna get pushback from one person who I like.
00:30:19.839 --> 00:30:21.200
Oh, I was like, who, Jay?
00:30:21.359 --> 00:30:21.599
Jay.
00:30:21.920 --> 00:30:24.400
Oh, Jay would be gonna push back on that, right?
00:30:24.480 --> 00:30:25.680
No, Jay will be right in for that.
00:30:25.759 --> 00:30:26.160
He'll be fine.
00:30:26.319 --> 00:30:27.200
Okay, he'll get it.
00:30:27.359 --> 00:30:30.799
He knows it's for like it's for the bit, and then he'll he'll commit.
00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:32.240
Like he'll be like, no, we gotta do it.
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:34.720
It's just for we talked about it in 2026.
00:30:34.799 --> 00:30:37.200
It doesn't matter that it's 30 years later and I'm in grief.
00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:38.000
Yeah.
00:30:39.200 --> 00:30:42.880
And then the only thing that I could hope is that a cat comes and peas on my gravestone.
00:30:43.039 --> 00:30:43.359
Oh, yeah.
00:30:43.440 --> 00:30:44.720
Well, it's a it's a guarantee.
00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:45.519
It's a guarantee.
00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:47.200
Nick, would you would you take us home?
00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:48.079
You know that I will.
00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:50.960
Folks, thank you so much for joining us on the Reverse Jackass podcast.
00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:51.599
We love you.
00:30:51.839 --> 00:31:00.240
We're appreciative that you joined us on our quest to bring peace between our two countries, and we do hope that you will continue to leave us uh more flattering vocal feedback.
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:03.279
Send us an email at reversejackass at gmail.com.
00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:05.279
Like, subscribe, leave us a review.
00:31:05.440 --> 00:31:08.799
We'll probably read it on on the air if you do, even if it's shitty.
00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:12.559
Um, but otherwise, just keep being kind to yourselves and to one another, and we'll see you next time.
00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:14.880
Some neighbors are besties.
00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:16.720
Others quarrel bitterly.
00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:19.759
Stuck together through geography.
00:31:20.880 --> 00:31:24.720
One of us has nukes, and the other has tok's.
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:28.559
It's American and Canadian diplomacy.
00:31:29.680 --> 00:31:32.319
It's reversed.
