When Being Capable Becomes a Coping Mechanism: The Hidden Cost of Hyper-Competence

What if the thing everyone admires about you is actually something you learned to survive?

In this episode of RAW CHATTER, I’m joined by psychotherapist, divorce coach and author Eve Stanway , for a fascinating conversation about hyper-competence, identity, difficult relationships and what happens when being "the capable one" becomes part of who you believe you are.

Eve grew up in circumstances that required her to become extraordinarily responsible from a very young age.

She learnt to make decisions.

To cope.

To perform.

To be the person other people could rely on.

And because she was good at it, she was valued for it.

But decades later came a much harder realisation:

Was she valued for who she was, or for the role she performed?

We talk about how childhood experiences can quietly shape our adult identity, why survival behaviours don't always look like survival, and what can happen when the person who has always coped suddenly realises they don't want to live that way anymore.

We also explore Eve's own divorce, her 25 years as a psychotherapist, the impact of family breakdown on children, why difficult conversations matter, and the extraordinary decision she made in her 50s to create the space to discover who she actually was.

That decision opened the door to something she hadn't expected.

Creativity.

Writing.

Pottery.

Sailing.

Joy.

And growth that was no longer about proving how competent she could be.

Eve also shares the story behind her writing and her forthcoming book exploring difficult conversations between parents and young adults, launching on 1 September.

If you're the person everyone relies on...If you've spent years being described as strong, capable, independent or "the one who always sorts things out"...

This conversation may make you question where that identity came from.

Because sometimes the behaviours we think are our personality are behaviours we learnt because, at one point, we needed them.

Information is everywhere. Understanding is rare.

🔗 CONNECT WITH EVE

📩 Email: eve@evestanway.co.uk🌐Website: www.evestanway.co.uk

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/evestanway/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/evestanway

📚 Conversations from the Shoreline: www.evestanway.co.uk

📚 Eve's new book, Dare to Listen:

Navigating Difficult Conversations with Young Adults Aged 16 to 28 is launching 1 September available from all good bookstores.

🎧 Listen to her podcast: Dare to Speak – Difficult Conversations that Change Everything on Spotify or Apple.

Vicky xx

Stay Connected with Vicky

📩 Join my personal newsletter for weekly insights into human behaviour, health, performance and the psychology behind lasting change: https://tinyurl.com/2jbbmtuv

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🎙️ RAW CHATTER Podcast - If you enjoyed this episode, please Like, Subscribe and Share.

It really helps more people discover these conversations.Information is everywhere. Understanding is rare.

And remember...We only have one life, as far as we know, and one body. Please look after it, because it is looking after you.