WEBVTT
00:00:03.919 --> 00:00:07.759
Hey friends, welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:13.279
Together, we are using our voices to walk alongside women navigating infertility and motherhood.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:16.160
I'm Holly, and I'm so happy you're tuning in today.
00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:17.920
Hey friends, and I'm Nicole.
00:00:18.079 --> 00:00:22.399
Let me tell you a little bit about 1212 Ministries and why this podcast exists.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:32.799
1212 Ministries creates a safe space for emotional restoration, physical healing, and spiritual discipleship for women who have or are experiencing infertility.
00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:40.240
We want to share hope in the hard things and encourage you to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:45.359
Our heart behind this podcast is to make sure that no woman walks this journey alone.
00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.880
Welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.880
Hey friends, welcome back to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:01:00.079
I'm Nicole here by myself, but have an awesome, really just wonderful guest to talk about today.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:03.759
And so, Jen, I forgot to mention this to you too.
00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:06.000
I'm just gonna keep, I'm just going, Jen.
00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:07.920
We're off the rails already, you guys.
00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:10.400
Okay, one okay, Jen.
00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:12.879
So this is we're in October.
00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.680
It is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:21.599
And so just really our heart was just to share stories of hope and encouragement.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:24.640
And so you guys, we have Jen Conrad here today.
00:01:24.799 --> 00:01:35.920
And Jen, before we jump in to all the things and our guests get a chance to welcome you, I love to think that this podcast is holy ground, right?
00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:42.319
And so just like how Moses, how the Lord like asked Moses, like, hey, you got to remove your shoes.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.079
And this is like holy ground.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:47.040
So, Jen, if you have your shoes on, can you remove your shoes?
00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:48.959
Because we're stepping into holy ground.
00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:52.959
Okay, okay, perfect, perfect, perfect.
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:59.840
Well, I I mean, I'm just so excited to just hear more of your story and just like all of the things that you're doing.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.280
So, Jen, welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:04.239
Hi there.
00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:05.599
Thank you so much for having me.
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:10.000
I'm so excited to dig in with you and your precious guests here listening today.
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:10.960
Yes, yeah.
00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:20.800
Okay, so Jen, tell us just a little bit about you and just maybe, you know, just yeah, like a little bit about you and maybe just a piece of your story, and then we can jump in.
00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:21.520
Sure.
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:25.439
Well, I am a small town girl from central Illinois.
00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:27.840
I live in a town of 1,200 people.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:32.479
Never a place that I really thought I would be, but you know, God writes the story.
00:02:32.719 --> 00:02:35.680
So my husband was actually from this um small town.
00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:41.360
I was from the bigger city of Peoria, like home of caterpillar tractors, which is about 20 minutes from here.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:43.840
And so I kind of always envisioned like we'd be there.
00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:51.280
But um, my husband was a police officer and we wanted to kind of raise our family outside of the area he was protecting.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.240
And so we ended up out here in the middle of the cornfields.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.719
I always say kind of like a one-horse town here.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:57.919
We have a Dollar General.
00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:02.479
Um, I can get Instacart, so you know, all the things that are important for moms, right?
00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:04.639
But I've been married to my high school sweetheart.
00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:07.680
We'll be celebrating 30 years in April.
00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:09.520
Uh I know.
00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:11.039
Right.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:14.080
Um, but yeah, we I married my high school sweetheart.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:15.680
He was a United States Marine.
00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:19.520
He retired last year after 29 years of service.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:22.000
And we have five kiddos.
00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:27.039
So I say that I have three that were born under my heart, um, three boys.
00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:32.319
So they are 27, 23, and 15.
00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:35.840
And so everyone kind of goes, oh my goodness, like, why the gap?
00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:37.280
Well, my husband deployed.
00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:41.280
There was a big cycle of Afghanistan and Iraq in there.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:45.439
Um, I had our middle son while he was deployed, and I'm like, I'm not doing that again.
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:50.080
But he actually got called up after our youngest was six months old.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:51.919
He was gonna deploy when he turned a year.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:04:06.159
So, you know, again, I don't write, I don't write the story, but we also had adopted two children who I say were born in my heart from Sierra Leone, Africa, and they are 23 and 19.
00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:11.039
Uh, we were not able to bring them home, and so that's part of the story that we're gonna kind of unpack here.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:19.680
But I wrote a book recently called Finding God in the Trenches, and it's all about a story of really my life of compounded grief.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:27.439
I went through a time period where it was just layer after layer after layer, and I just had a really hard time finding God there.
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:36.639
I just really, you know, went through a deep depression, went through, you know, kind of some alcohol dependency, just numbing, not wanting to deal.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:44.639
And I just, as I share my story, I see so many women who just are struggling too, just with life changes.
00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:48.000
And, you know, they raise their babies and then they go off.
00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:49.199
And then what's next?
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:55.600
Or they lose a parent, and then they're left to, you know, parent the parent that's left behind and what that looks like.
00:04:55.759 --> 00:05:12.720
And so I just really wanted to give up platform just to kind of bring some of these things to the surface and have some real honest conversations about, you know, how I didn't see God and what I had to do to kind of find him and how he really was always there, but it was me just not letting him in, you know.
00:05:12.959 --> 00:05:13.360
Yeah.
00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:13.759
Yeah.
00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:15.040
Jen, thank you for that.
00:05:15.279 --> 00:05:18.639
Really quick to my sweet ladies, you know, listening.
00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:20.800
I don't want you to tune out, right?
00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:23.360
Because Jen talked about her kids.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:31.839
You know, I know some of you may be walking through a season of infertility, or you might not have gotten that positive pregnancy test.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:46.480
But I think that the really cool thing about 1212 and just the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast is that you get to hear stories that I know that the Lord right weaves us together and that we can learn something from everyone.
00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:55.519
And then also, you guys, we all have purpose, all have purpose to love God, love others, and make disciples, regardless if we are a mom or not.
00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:56.639
So I don't know.
00:05:56.800 --> 00:06:03.120
I'm I'm really excited, Jen, to hear about just your story and too.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:05.680
Like we're we're all grieving something, right?
00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:15.519
Like it could be infertility or pregnancy loss, but we could be grieving, you know, like you said, the loss of a parent, a loss of a job, a loss of a dream.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:26.160
So, sweet friends, I want you to hold on because I know Jen has some nuggets that are going to really help our hearts, our minds, and point us back to Jesus and remind us, right?
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:31.920
That we, well, not we, the Lord can transform pain into purpose.
00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:33.439
So, Jin, go for it.
00:06:33.519 --> 00:06:34.240
Give it to us.
00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:35.920
Yeah, tell us all the things.
00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:42.240
I'm so glad that you said that because pregnancy was never something that was difficult for my husband and I.
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:46.639
But I have a son and his sweet wife who are going through that right now.
00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:48.079
They've been trying for two years.
00:06:48.240 --> 00:06:56.319
My son actually has been struggling with some hormone issues after actually he was in a car accident and they found a tumor on his pituitary gland.
00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.759
And at the same time, it was blocking all of his hormones.
00:06:59.920 --> 00:07:04.319
And so he literally has like bare minimum um testosterone.
00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:07.360
And so it's making the process really difficult.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:13.920
And so walking with them in that to navigate, you know, specialists and then praying with them.
00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:18.079
And, you know, all I wanted to be was a mom, and now all I want to be is a mama.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:26.240
And um, you know, I see my friends who are now becoming grandparents, and so I feel that pain that you are um going through.
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:36.639
And I just want you to know, like as someone who just wants to be a grandmother, it's it's not the same, but seeing your child walk through it, you know, it breaks your heart too.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:36.879
Yeah.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:41.040
And so I just want to say that, you know, I I see you, I honor you.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:49.279
And one of the things that I encouraged with my daughter-in-law was some of the children that take the longest to get here are going to be the biggest world shifters.
00:07:49.600 --> 00:07:50.720
And I totally believe that.
00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:55.759
And so they're getting just they're getting they're getting ready to come on this side of this side of heaven.
00:07:55.839 --> 00:07:58.639
And it just takes a little bit longer, but they will.
00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:00.560
So here we are.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:02.480
Um but hearing that.
00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:03.839
Yes, yeah.
00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:08.480
And so my story, like I said, was layers of compounded grief.
00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:12.399
And so it started back in 2020 with the loss of a business.
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:17.920
I had been in the online business space in a network marketing business, and I was a car achiever.
00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:23.759
I was making, you know, multiple six figures, and I was able to make some choices.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:34.000
I actually went to grad school to get my master's in social work while my husband was in Afghanistan because, you know, that's what we do is why not go to grad school and raise three babies, you know?
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:34.480
Right.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:41.759
Um, so I got my master's degree, but at the same time, God put this business into my life that gave us some options.
00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:43.039
It gave us some breathing room.
00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:49.759
That when my husband got back from a deployment, we were able to start a conversation with his law enforcement career.
00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:52.240
So I want to backtrack, he was a reservist.
00:08:52.559 --> 00:09:00.639
So his contract was that he had to go serve one week in a month, but he deployed four times within, you know, his contract.
00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:06.399
And so we didn't have the traditional military life where, you know, we were moving all over the country.
00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:09.360
I stayed put and he went and then came back.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:14.399
But he also had to have a civilian job, and his civilian job was to be a police officer.
00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:22.879
And so I really prayed that it was at a time when things were just really changing in the law enforcement space, and it just really scared me to have him out there.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:27.360
And it scared my family about what could happen to us and the protection that we didn't have.
00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:32.879
And so I retired him from law enforcement, brought him home to help support the family.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:36.399
And then in 2020, um, I lost a business.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:38.320
It was the week that COVID hit.
00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:42.639
You think that you own your business, um, but the company um took that away.
00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:50.960
We had diversified because I saw how the online space was moving into basically the influencer marketing, right?
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:54.000
There was a one person representing multiple rules.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.399
And so people didn't like that.
00:09:56.639 --> 00:09:59.840
And um, they were really out to take our business.
00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:03.279
And so that happened the week that our world shut down.
00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:11.360
That January, I had flown over to Sierra Leone and adopted our kiddos, stood in Sierra Leone court and made them ours.
00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:13.519
And all of a sudden, the business was gone.
00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:17.200
The thing that fully provided for our family disappeared.
00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:19.759
And I was just like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:21.279
You matched us with these kids.
00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:24.320
It was a very long process, which I do talk in my book.
00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:30.639
Um, it was actually years of bringing them into our family, something that I never looked at wanting to do.
00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:32.799
I never was going to even go to Africa.
00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:35.039
I was never going to go multiple times.
00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:42.159
I think I ended up going seven times and never was going to adopt because, you know, small town girls just don't do things like that.
00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:49.039
And so, you know, I was walking through trying to get them visas and how we were going to just survive and keep a roof over our head.
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:53.519
And then the world shut down and everyone was dealing with COVID in different ways, right?
00:10:53.840 --> 00:11:04.960
And so I had just a bottomless moment that I talk about in the book that I found myself one day under a I have a picture of Jesus in my bedroom.
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:10.639
And I literally was face down on the floor and I was like, Lord, I don't even know if I should be here anymore.
00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:13.360
Is my family better off without me?
00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:27.120
And I want to say that very carefully because I never had a plan, but the thought crossed my mind that, you know, I thought my value was in my work and providing the monetary value, and that was gone.
00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:30.559
And I couldn't see, I couldn't, I couldn't find my way out.
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.679
I was literally like treading water, like trying not to drown.
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:42.000
Um, because I was a people pleaser and I was used to getting accolades for my performances, and that was all gone.
00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:43.679
And I didn't know what was next.
00:11:43.759 --> 00:11:49.440
Because, like I said, I put my master's degree on hold because there was this business.
00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:52.639
And so now what am I gonna do with the world shutting down?
00:11:53.039 --> 00:11:54.960
And so, you know, God took care of us.
00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:58.879
Um, my husband got an inheritance from his grandfather that kept us afloat.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:03.519
He provided me with clients, doing some marketing and just all these little side projects.
00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:05.039
And so we never lost anything.
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:06.320
He was always there.
00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:11.679
The checks always showed up, even when I thought, Lord, what are you doing and why are you not here?
00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:12.799
He was always there.
00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:14.879
And sometimes you can't see it, right?
00:12:14.960 --> 00:12:16.399
You can't see it in the store.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:20.480
But on the back end, you're like, Yeah, that's there he was, right?
00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:28.559
And so I mentioned, you know, I I dealt a lot with it by numbing because we were all home.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:33.440
My husband and I, we would I I would have more drinks than than I normally would.
00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:40.639
I would scroll, I would just check out because it was too painful to actually think about the reality of our situation.
00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:49.840
And that went on for for a few years, honestly, because in 2022, right at the end of COVID, I actually lost my mom to COVID.
00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:56.559
You saw the stories of people saying goodbye to their parents over an iPhone, and that was our reality.
00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:05.200
As soon as uh my mom was brought into the hospital, my dad thought he was just dropping her off for some oxygen and he was gonna pick her right back up.
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.639
And she ended up having four or five days stay.
00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:16.559
And then we said goodbye over FaceTime, and um, they did finally let us go in as we took her off the vent.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:18.960
But by the time we got there, she was gone.
00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:21.759
And so my mom was my person.
00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:26.399
Um, she was ma'am, she was mama, so I always wanted to be mama with her.
00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:29.600
She was always so involved in my boys' lives.
00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:31.360
They have such sweet memories of her.
00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:36.639
And, you know, when you lose your person like that, like you just don't ever, you're not prepared for that.
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.679
You're never prepared of what life's gonna be like without your person.
00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:42.320
And my mom was, you know, like I said about that, my person.
00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:54.000
And I had to learn, I mean, I am the oldest daughter, and so I had to learn how to keep the magic alive for my family, or I I took that responsibility on keeping the magic alive.
00:13:54.159 --> 00:14:02.080
And that was a lot of the pressure was just making sure that the holidays felt similar and that the the traditions kept on.
00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:08.240
And I got to be the encouragement for my sisters, and then you know, being there for my dad.
00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:11.039
My dad, you know, he hadn't removed anything.
00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:18.559
It was a year later, and he had to sell his home and he hadn't done anything then of removing her stuff.
00:14:18.720 --> 00:14:21.360
Like he just he couldn't, he didn't know where to start.
00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:42.559
And so, you know, my sisters and I were over it by that point, and we got a dumpster and just started chucking one weekend when he was gone because we had to move forward, and you know, no one no one everyone writes the book on what to expect when you're expecting, but I always joke no one writes the book about what to expect when your parent passes, um, and those rules shift, you know?
00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:47.200
Yeah, and so that was just another layer of that count uh compound grief.
00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:59.600
So, like you said, you know, grief can be, you know, a a loss of a pregnancy or a loss of an adoption, which I didn't I didn't know like even losing a business, you can grieve from.
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:00.159
Yes.
00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:03.200
And I always looked at grief as kind of like a weakness.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:16.000
And I was in therapy at the time, and I remember telling my therapist, I'm done, I'm exhausted, I'm ready to go on, I'm gonna take on that new client next week or tomorrow, because that's how I work.
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:21.039
My mom passed on like a Tuesday, I was ready to be back to work on Thursday, and I wasn't gonna deal with it.
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:22.320
I wasn't gonna grieve.
00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:28.159
And she said, Jen, if you don't take the time to grieve now, it will come up at some point.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:29.279
And it didn't.
00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:30.159
It did.
00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:38.559
It came up through, again, like I said, just numbing myself, falling into bed after I've had too many drinks because I didn't want to be still in the silence.
00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:45.840
I didn't want to think about, you know, going on without my mom or, you know, really what was next.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:46.240
Yeah.
00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:48.000
So sorry, that was a lot.
00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.919
But no, Jin, this is I was just like writing a couple of things down.
00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:56.320
I mean, I can just relate to so many things, you know, just about your story.
00:15:56.559 --> 00:15:58.320
One oldest daughter here.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.720
So I uh, you know, totally get that.
00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:07.759
But then even I I say I'm a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, you know, but it still shows up.
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:10.000
You know, it still shows up.
00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:22.080
And then identity of just like putting the things that you do, right, as your identity, you know, just I I just remember, I mean, one, um dance is my background.
00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:26.240
I think you know, some of our listeners have heard this before, but dance is my background.
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.559
I was a background dancer for Justin Timberlake.
00:16:28.639 --> 00:16:31.919
So I mean, like that was like my identity, right?
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:33.840
And wanting to become a mom.
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:35.360
That was my identity.
00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:38.559
And so of just and numbing, right?
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:45.120
Of scrolling, just doing all the things to like not feel that grief, not process that grief.
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:56.080
And so I just, and then something else you I want to go back to that, but something else I love that you said was just that the Lord was working through all of it and you and you couldn't see it, you know.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:58.320
I think that's such a beautiful reminder.
00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:10.960
Um, because we're like, I I mean, if I can be transparent on the way here, I, you know, I went into the office this morning and then came home to record, but I mean, literally bawling, crying, and being like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:19.839
You know, and so thank you for encouraging me and reminding me, even though we can't see it, God is still working in our stories.
00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:23.759
And so the outcome might look a little bit different, but he's still working.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.839
So thank you for that, Jen, so much.
00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:26.880
Yes, you're welcome.
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:33.759
Um, but back to like your grief and like wanting to, you know, not sit still in the silence.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.880
Like, tell us, you know, I I'm guessing some of this is in the book, but tell us a few things.
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:49.599
I know our listeners would love to hear just some practical things of maybe what did you do to like slowly, you know, because I know grief is going to be with us always.
00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:52.960
You know, we're always going to carry that piece with us.
00:17:53.119 --> 00:18:00.640
But like, were there any practical things, Jen, that you did that maybe helped you put your phone down one day, right?
00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:03.279
Or, you know, what were those practical things?
00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:03.920
Yeah.
00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:06.960
So journaling has always been a big thing for me.
00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:12.640
Um, and so I make that part of my morning routine or or my Bible time.
00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:16.799
It might not be necessarily in the morning, but really just getting it out, I think.
00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.400
I also I love AI.
00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:25.759
I know there's a lot of mixed feelings about that, but I have like a prompt that I've created with like the values and my beliefs and and things like that.
00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:39.119
And I just sometimes brain dump there because I just I think that's the big thing is we just hold it in because we don't, first of all, we don't maybe know how to talk about it or who to talk with, you know, who to talk about it with.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:44.079
And my husband's a great listener, but he doesn't always understand exactly like what I'm what I'm going through.
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:50.960
And I have amazing um sister-in-laws and girlfriends, and I think just getting it out is the biggest thing.
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:56.160
And there are some journal prompts in the book, so in every chapter, there's something you can work through.
00:18:56.480 --> 00:19:01.920
And so people are really, really loving that too, because sometimes you don't know what to dump, right?
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:08.720
And then you feel guilty for like telling God what you really think, and he wants to hear those things.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:12.319
He doesn't want you to come all polished, he wants you to bring it to him.
00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:14.079
Don't clean it up, just dump it.
00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:15.519
So journaling is huge.
00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:19.039
Really, I have been a Christian my whole entire life.
00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:21.359
So I actually grew up a credo Catholic.
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:25.119
I actually went and taught Catholic school for seven years.
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:32.559
Um, and then when my husband went to Afghanistan, I really felt a pull to really just get to know Jesus more in a more relational way.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:39.119
I love the Catholic Church and their tradition and the pop and the circumstance, but I just felt like I was missing something.
00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:50.880
And so my husband and I made a decision to move our family into the non-denominational space, which has been a beautiful journey in itself because our middle son actually just found his wife at our church.
00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:52.480
And then they're getting married in March.
00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:58.799
And it's just been beautiful just to see how God has worked through that because we ended up in a church that was 40 minutes from our house.
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:00.640
We could have gone to one much closer.
00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:02.480
Um, but he was writing the story, right?
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:03.039
All along.
00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:08.160
And that's when I talked about taking kind of a view, a step back and looking at all he did.
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:14.480
And um, you know, all that drive time was worth it because we have a beautiful future daughter-in-law that will be joining our family.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:19.920
So the other thing I would say is really getting a support system around you.
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:22.640
And so I had to kind of reevaluate some of the friendships.
00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:32.799
Um, make sure the people that you're hanging out with um and spending time with are people who are God or God-fearing people, are people who are living by those morals.
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:40.720
And I'm not saying that you can't have those people that are not believers in your life because they need our love too, but just make sure that you are surrounding yourself.
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:46.319
I have women that I can just totally go to and just dump or say, hey, you know what?
00:20:46.480 --> 00:20:47.440
I need prayer right now.
00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:51.119
Like I, I just I I can't I can't do this on my own.
00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:55.279
And so just asking God to bring those women into your life because he will.
00:20:55.440 --> 00:21:01.519
And I've just had some beautiful women come into my life that I never in a million years expected they would be in my life.
00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:04.559
And so, you know, just a combination of those things.
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:08.480
And then, you know, not being afraid to get help, whether that's through counseling.
00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:20.160
I've actually been working with some women who are grieving and they don't really want to go through traditional counseling, but they they want to unpack and they want to come up with a plan and they want to get back into church, but they're just afraid.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.000
They're afraid of taking that next step or or where do they even start?
00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:30.480
And so, you know, just kind of tapping into some of those resources will also help in the journey.
00:21:31.359 --> 00:21:32.559
Jen, that's awesome.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:33.039
Okay.
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:34.799
I wrote I was I wrote those down.
00:21:34.880 --> 00:21:37.200
I love journaling, community.
00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:43.759
And I don't know how you would sum up that last one, but maybe of just like not being afraid to ask for help, you know?
00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:53.279
And so those are really just I think those are great practical, you know, things, regardless of where you are right in your journey.
00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:55.440
And so thanks for sharing that, Jen.
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.319
I had it just like one one last thing for you.
00:21:58.480 --> 00:21:58.799
Yes.
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:13.680
Um, is just Like so the woman that's listening, right, that has had compounded grief, whatever that may look like for her, and is having that really tough time of sitting still and feeling all of the feelings.
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:17.359
Jen, what would you say to her just to encourage her?
00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:24.319
I would say that you're not alone, even though God feels so distant, the Holy Spirit's there.
00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:31.920
Um, you know, just ask, talk to him, talk to him throughout your day and you know, ask him to show you different things and signs.
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:33.119
Like I'm a big believer.
00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:35.680
Like right now, I've seen praying mantises everywhere.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:39.200
And I feel like that's my little sign of like, hey, keep going, keep praying.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:41.599
I'm here, you know, because they have their little prayer hands.
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:48.319
Um, but you know, I think just asking the Holy Spirit to come into your life and then being obedient.
00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:55.039
For me right now, I am just asking the Holy Spirit every day, like, Lord, what do I need to hear from you today?
00:22:55.200 --> 00:23:04.400
And I open my Bible and it's just, it's been such a beautiful thing because it's always exactly what I need to hear, even though I don't know that I need to hear it.
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:10.960
And so just really just creating that relationship with him and just to know you're not too far gone.
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:16.160
You might think that you, there's no way that that God wants to have a relationship with you.
00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:17.759
And that's completely false.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:21.839
You know, the whole idea that you have to clean yourself up first to come to him.
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.400
No, he wants you just to bring it all.
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.359
And it's, you know, his shoulders are big enough to hold it all.
00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:31.759
And I think I had to remind myself of that, that he wants the real me.
00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:33.599
He doesn't want the cleaned up, polished me.
00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:44.319
And again, that's really hard when you are a people pleaser because you're used to being put together and appearing in this way, where, you know, when you bring your mess, you're like, oh, like, does he really want to hear this?
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:45.039
And he does.
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:47.200
He wants to hear the struggle.
00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:49.200
He wants to hear if you're frustrated with him.
00:23:49.359 --> 00:23:52.799
He wants to hear, like you said, in your car, like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:23:52.960 --> 00:24:03.200
I'm going through a season right that, like that right now, like I shared with, you know, wanting to be a mama, but then there's some other things going on that I've been specifically praying for, and there's no movement.
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:08.000
It's like door after door after door is closing, and I'm like, Lord, you know?
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:12.480
And so just not be afraid to create that relationship.
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:14.480
So beautiful.
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:16.000
Jim, thank you so much.
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.880
Will you tell everybody where they can find you online?
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:21.680
Tell them where they can grab your book, all the things.
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:22.079
Yes.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.319
So the book is on Amazon.
00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:28.480
Um, it's actually, if you have Kindle Unlimited, it's a free download on your Kindle.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:29.680
So you can go do that.
00:24:29.759 --> 00:24:33.440
But I highly recommend purchasing the actual book because you can journal in the book.
00:24:33.519 --> 00:24:35.039
Like I said, there's um questions.
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:36.319
So that's on Amazon.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:38.880
My website's jenconrad.com.
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.200
Um, I hang out on Instagram and Facebook.
00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:43.039
So you can find me both places.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:45.839
And I would just love for you to share as you're reading.
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:51.759
I just love when people share like the aha moments or just the things that really touch their heart.
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:56.799
Because as a writer and you put yourself out there and you're so vulnerable and open and honest.
00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:05.839
And just to hear that what you said and put out in the world is really making an impact, it just is just an encouragement for me to keep going and keep writing and sharing.
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:06.720
So, yes.
00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:07.759
Awesome.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:08.720
Jen, thank you.
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:16.799
We're gonna put all of that in the show notes so everybody can connect with you and grab the book, you know, and and share their aha moments with you.
00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:21.680
But we're grateful that you took the time just to to share um and share your heart with us.
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:23.680
And so appreciate you so much, Jen.
00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:25.839
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:26.480
Yeah.
00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:34.720
So, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the Purpose Beyond Motherhood Podcast, and we will see you next time.
00:00:03.919 --> 00:00:07.759
Hey friends, welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:13.279
Together, we are using our voices to walk alongside women navigating infertility and motherhood.
00:00:13.439 --> 00:00:16.160
I'm Holly, and I'm so happy you're tuning in today.
00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:17.920
Hey friends, and I'm Nicole.
00:00:18.079 --> 00:00:22.399
Let me tell you a little bit about 1212 Ministries and why this podcast exists.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:32.799
1212 Ministries creates a safe space for emotional restoration, physical healing, and spiritual discipleship for women who have or are experiencing infertility.
00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:40.240
We want to share hope in the hard things and encourage you to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:45.359
Our heart behind this podcast is to make sure that no woman walks this journey alone.
00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.880
Welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.880
Hey friends, welcome back to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:01:00.079
I'm Nicole here by myself, but have an awesome, really just wonderful guest to talk about today.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:03.759
And so, Jen, I forgot to mention this to you too.
00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:06.000
I'm just gonna keep, I'm just going, Jen.
00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:07.920
We're off the rails already, you guys.
00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:10.400
Okay, one okay, Jen.
00:01:10.879 --> 00:01:12.879
So this is we're in October.
00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.680
It is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:21.599
And so just really our heart was just to share stories of hope and encouragement.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:24.640
And so you guys, we have Jen Conrad here today.
00:01:24.799 --> 00:01:35.920
And Jen, before we jump in to all the things and our guests get a chance to welcome you, I love to think that this podcast is holy ground, right?
00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:42.319
And so just like how Moses, how the Lord like asked Moses, like, hey, you got to remove your shoes.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.079
And this is like holy ground.
00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:47.040
So, Jen, if you have your shoes on, can you remove your shoes?
00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:48.959
Because we're stepping into holy ground.
00:01:49.439 --> 00:01:52.959
Okay, okay, perfect, perfect, perfect.
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:59.840
Well, I I mean, I'm just so excited to just hear more of your story and just like all of the things that you're doing.
00:01:59.920 --> 00:02:03.280
So, Jen, welcome to the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast.
00:02:03.599 --> 00:02:04.239
Hi there.
00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:05.599
Thank you so much for having me.
00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:10.000
I'm so excited to dig in with you and your precious guests here listening today.
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:10.960
Yes, yeah.
00:02:11.039 --> 00:02:20.800
Okay, so Jen, tell us just a little bit about you and just maybe, you know, just yeah, like a little bit about you and maybe just a piece of your story, and then we can jump in.
00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:21.520
Sure.
00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:25.439
Well, I am a small town girl from central Illinois.
00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:27.840
I live in a town of 1,200 people.
00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:32.479
Never a place that I really thought I would be, but you know, God writes the story.
00:02:32.719 --> 00:02:35.680
So my husband was actually from this um small town.
00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:41.360
I was from the bigger city of Peoria, like home of caterpillar tractors, which is about 20 minutes from here.
00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:43.840
And so I kind of always envisioned like we'd be there.
00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:51.280
But um, my husband was a police officer and we wanted to kind of raise our family outside of the area he was protecting.
00:02:51.360 --> 00:02:54.240
And so we ended up out here in the middle of the cornfields.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.719
I always say kind of like a one-horse town here.
00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:57.919
We have a Dollar General.
00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:02.479
Um, I can get Instacart, so you know, all the things that are important for moms, right?
00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:04.639
But I've been married to my high school sweetheart.
00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:07.680
We'll be celebrating 30 years in April.
00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:09.520
Uh I know.
00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:11.039
Right.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:14.080
Um, but yeah, we I married my high school sweetheart.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:15.680
He was a United States Marine.
00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:19.520
He retired last year after 29 years of service.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:22.000
And we have five kiddos.
00:03:22.159 --> 00:03:27.039
So I say that I have three that were born under my heart, um, three boys.
00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:32.319
So they are 27, 23, and 15.
00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:35.840
And so everyone kind of goes, oh my goodness, like, why the gap?
00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:37.280
Well, my husband deployed.
00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:41.280
There was a big cycle of Afghanistan and Iraq in there.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:45.439
Um, I had our middle son while he was deployed, and I'm like, I'm not doing that again.
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:50.080
But he actually got called up after our youngest was six months old.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:51.919
He was gonna deploy when he turned a year.
00:03:52.080 --> 00:04:06.159
So, you know, again, I don't write, I don't write the story, but we also had adopted two children who I say were born in my heart from Sierra Leone, Africa, and they are 23 and 19.
00:04:06.240 --> 00:04:11.039
Uh, we were not able to bring them home, and so that's part of the story that we're gonna kind of unpack here.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:19.680
But I wrote a book recently called Finding God in the Trenches, and it's all about a story of really my life of compounded grief.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:27.439
I went through a time period where it was just layer after layer after layer, and I just had a really hard time finding God there.
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:36.639
I just really, you know, went through a deep depression, went through, you know, kind of some alcohol dependency, just numbing, not wanting to deal.
00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:44.639
And I just, as I share my story, I see so many women who just are struggling too, just with life changes.
00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:48.000
And, you know, they raise their babies and then they go off.
00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:49.199
And then what's next?
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:55.600
Or they lose a parent, and then they're left to, you know, parent the parent that's left behind and what that looks like.
00:04:55.759 --> 00:05:12.720
And so I just really wanted to give up platform just to kind of bring some of these things to the surface and have some real honest conversations about, you know, how I didn't see God and what I had to do to kind of find him and how he really was always there, but it was me just not letting him in, you know.
00:05:12.959 --> 00:05:13.360
Yeah.
00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:13.759
Yeah.
00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:15.040
Jen, thank you for that.
00:05:15.279 --> 00:05:18.639
Really quick to my sweet ladies, you know, listening.
00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:20.800
I don't want you to tune out, right?
00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:23.360
Because Jen talked about her kids.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:31.839
You know, I know some of you may be walking through a season of infertility, or you might not have gotten that positive pregnancy test.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:46.480
But I think that the really cool thing about 1212 and just the Purpose Beyond Motherhood podcast is that you get to hear stories that I know that the Lord right weaves us together and that we can learn something from everyone.
00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:55.519
And then also, you guys, we all have purpose, all have purpose to love God, love others, and make disciples, regardless if we are a mom or not.
00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:56.639
So I don't know.
00:05:56.800 --> 00:06:03.120
I'm I'm really excited, Jen, to hear about just your story and too.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:05.680
Like we're we're all grieving something, right?
00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:15.519
Like it could be infertility or pregnancy loss, but we could be grieving, you know, like you said, the loss of a parent, a loss of a job, a loss of a dream.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:26.160
So, sweet friends, I want you to hold on because I know Jen has some nuggets that are going to really help our hearts, our minds, and point us back to Jesus and remind us, right?
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:31.920
That we, well, not we, the Lord can transform pain into purpose.
00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:33.439
So, Jin, go for it.
00:06:33.519 --> 00:06:34.240
Give it to us.
00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:35.920
Yeah, tell us all the things.
00:06:36.399 --> 00:06:42.240
I'm so glad that you said that because pregnancy was never something that was difficult for my husband and I.
00:06:42.480 --> 00:06:46.639
But I have a son and his sweet wife who are going through that right now.
00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:48.079
They've been trying for two years.
00:06:48.240 --> 00:06:56.319
My son actually has been struggling with some hormone issues after actually he was in a car accident and they found a tumor on his pituitary gland.
00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.759
And at the same time, it was blocking all of his hormones.
00:06:59.920 --> 00:07:04.319
And so he literally has like bare minimum um testosterone.
00:07:04.399 --> 00:07:07.360
And so it's making the process really difficult.
00:07:07.519 --> 00:07:13.920
And so walking with them in that to navigate, you know, specialists and then praying with them.
00:07:14.079 --> 00:07:18.079
And, you know, all I wanted to be was a mom, and now all I want to be is a mama.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:26.240
And um, you know, I see my friends who are now becoming grandparents, and so I feel that pain that you are um going through.
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:36.639
And I just want you to know, like as someone who just wants to be a grandmother, it's it's not the same, but seeing your child walk through it, you know, it breaks your heart too.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:36.879
Yeah.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:41.040
And so I just want to say that, you know, I I see you, I honor you.
00:07:41.199 --> 00:07:49.279
And one of the things that I encouraged with my daughter-in-law was some of the children that take the longest to get here are going to be the biggest world shifters.
00:07:49.600 --> 00:07:50.720
And I totally believe that.
00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:55.759
And so they're getting just they're getting they're getting ready to come on this side of this side of heaven.
00:07:55.839 --> 00:07:58.639
And it just takes a little bit longer, but they will.
00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:00.560
So here we are.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:02.480
Um but hearing that.
00:08:02.879 --> 00:08:03.839
Yes, yeah.
00:08:04.079 --> 00:08:08.480
And so my story, like I said, was layers of compounded grief.
00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:12.399
And so it started back in 2020 with the loss of a business.
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:17.920
I had been in the online business space in a network marketing business, and I was a car achiever.
00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:23.759
I was making, you know, multiple six figures, and I was able to make some choices.
00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:34.000
I actually went to grad school to get my master's in social work while my husband was in Afghanistan because, you know, that's what we do is why not go to grad school and raise three babies, you know?
00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:34.480
Right.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:41.759
Um, so I got my master's degree, but at the same time, God put this business into my life that gave us some options.
00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:43.039
It gave us some breathing room.
00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:49.759
That when my husband got back from a deployment, we were able to start a conversation with his law enforcement career.
00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:52.240
So I want to backtrack, he was a reservist.
00:08:52.559 --> 00:09:00.639
So his contract was that he had to go serve one week in a month, but he deployed four times within, you know, his contract.
00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:06.399
And so we didn't have the traditional military life where, you know, we were moving all over the country.
00:09:06.559 --> 00:09:09.360
I stayed put and he went and then came back.
00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:14.399
But he also had to have a civilian job, and his civilian job was to be a police officer.
00:09:14.559 --> 00:09:22.879
And so I really prayed that it was at a time when things were just really changing in the law enforcement space, and it just really scared me to have him out there.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:27.360
And it scared my family about what could happen to us and the protection that we didn't have.
00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:32.879
And so I retired him from law enforcement, brought him home to help support the family.
00:09:33.200 --> 00:09:36.399
And then in 2020, um, I lost a business.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:38.320
It was the week that COVID hit.
00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:42.639
You think that you own your business, um, but the company um took that away.
00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:50.960
We had diversified because I saw how the online space was moving into basically the influencer marketing, right?
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:54.000
There was a one person representing multiple rules.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.399
And so people didn't like that.
00:09:56.639 --> 00:09:59.840
And um, they were really out to take our business.
00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:03.279
And so that happened the week that our world shut down.
00:10:03.440 --> 00:10:11.360
That January, I had flown over to Sierra Leone and adopted our kiddos, stood in Sierra Leone court and made them ours.
00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:13.519
And all of a sudden, the business was gone.
00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:17.200
The thing that fully provided for our family disappeared.
00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:19.759
And I was just like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:21.279
You matched us with these kids.
00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:24.320
It was a very long process, which I do talk in my book.
00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:30.639
Um, it was actually years of bringing them into our family, something that I never looked at wanting to do.
00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:32.799
I never was going to even go to Africa.
00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:35.039
I was never going to go multiple times.
00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:42.159
I think I ended up going seven times and never was going to adopt because, you know, small town girls just don't do things like that.
00:10:42.399 --> 00:10:49.039
And so, you know, I was walking through trying to get them visas and how we were going to just survive and keep a roof over our head.
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:53.519
And then the world shut down and everyone was dealing with COVID in different ways, right?
00:10:53.840 --> 00:11:04.960
And so I had just a bottomless moment that I talk about in the book that I found myself one day under a I have a picture of Jesus in my bedroom.
00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:10.639
And I literally was face down on the floor and I was like, Lord, I don't even know if I should be here anymore.
00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:13.360
Is my family better off without me?
00:11:13.519 --> 00:11:27.120
And I want to say that very carefully because I never had a plan, but the thought crossed my mind that, you know, I thought my value was in my work and providing the monetary value, and that was gone.
00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:30.559
And I couldn't see, I couldn't, I couldn't find my way out.
00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.679
I was literally like treading water, like trying not to drown.
00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:42.000
Um, because I was a people pleaser and I was used to getting accolades for my performances, and that was all gone.
00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:43.679
And I didn't know what was next.
00:11:43.759 --> 00:11:49.440
Because, like I said, I put my master's degree on hold because there was this business.
00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:52.639
And so now what am I gonna do with the world shutting down?
00:11:53.039 --> 00:11:54.960
And so, you know, God took care of us.
00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:58.879
Um, my husband got an inheritance from his grandfather that kept us afloat.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:03.519
He provided me with clients, doing some marketing and just all these little side projects.
00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:05.039
And so we never lost anything.
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:06.320
He was always there.
00:12:06.559 --> 00:12:11.679
The checks always showed up, even when I thought, Lord, what are you doing and why are you not here?
00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:12.799
He was always there.
00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:14.879
And sometimes you can't see it, right?
00:12:14.960 --> 00:12:16.399
You can't see it in the store.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:20.480
But on the back end, you're like, Yeah, that's there he was, right?
00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:28.559
And so I mentioned, you know, I I dealt a lot with it by numbing because we were all home.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:33.440
My husband and I, we would I I would have more drinks than than I normally would.
00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:40.639
I would scroll, I would just check out because it was too painful to actually think about the reality of our situation.
00:12:40.879 --> 00:12:49.840
And that went on for for a few years, honestly, because in 2022, right at the end of COVID, I actually lost my mom to COVID.
00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:56.559
You saw the stories of people saying goodbye to their parents over an iPhone, and that was our reality.
00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:05.200
As soon as uh my mom was brought into the hospital, my dad thought he was just dropping her off for some oxygen and he was gonna pick her right back up.
00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.639
And she ended up having four or five days stay.
00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:16.559
And then we said goodbye over FaceTime, and um, they did finally let us go in as we took her off the vent.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:18.960
But by the time we got there, she was gone.
00:13:19.200 --> 00:13:21.759
And so my mom was my person.
00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:26.399
Um, she was ma'am, she was mama, so I always wanted to be mama with her.
00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:29.600
She was always so involved in my boys' lives.
00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:31.360
They have such sweet memories of her.
00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:36.639
And, you know, when you lose your person like that, like you just don't ever, you're not prepared for that.
00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.679
You're never prepared of what life's gonna be like without your person.
00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:42.320
And my mom was, you know, like I said about that, my person.
00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:54.000
And I had to learn, I mean, I am the oldest daughter, and so I had to learn how to keep the magic alive for my family, or I I took that responsibility on keeping the magic alive.
00:13:54.159 --> 00:14:02.080
And that was a lot of the pressure was just making sure that the holidays felt similar and that the the traditions kept on.
00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:08.240
And I got to be the encouragement for my sisters, and then you know, being there for my dad.
00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:11.039
My dad, you know, he hadn't removed anything.
00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:18.559
It was a year later, and he had to sell his home and he hadn't done anything then of removing her stuff.
00:14:18.720 --> 00:14:21.360
Like he just he couldn't, he didn't know where to start.
00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:42.559
And so, you know, my sisters and I were over it by that point, and we got a dumpster and just started chucking one weekend when he was gone because we had to move forward, and you know, no one no one everyone writes the book on what to expect when you're expecting, but I always joke no one writes the book about what to expect when your parent passes, um, and those rules shift, you know?
00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:47.200
Yeah, and so that was just another layer of that count uh compound grief.
00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:59.600
So, like you said, you know, grief can be, you know, a a loss of a pregnancy or a loss of an adoption, which I didn't I didn't know like even losing a business, you can grieve from.
00:14:59.919 --> 00:15:00.159
Yes.
00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:03.200
And I always looked at grief as kind of like a weakness.
00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:16.000
And I was in therapy at the time, and I remember telling my therapist, I'm done, I'm exhausted, I'm ready to go on, I'm gonna take on that new client next week or tomorrow, because that's how I work.
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:21.039
My mom passed on like a Tuesday, I was ready to be back to work on Thursday, and I wasn't gonna deal with it.
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:22.320
I wasn't gonna grieve.
00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:28.159
And she said, Jen, if you don't take the time to grieve now, it will come up at some point.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:29.279
And it didn't.
00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:30.159
It did.
00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:38.559
It came up through, again, like I said, just numbing myself, falling into bed after I've had too many drinks because I didn't want to be still in the silence.
00:15:38.720 --> 00:15:45.840
I didn't want to think about, you know, going on without my mom or, you know, really what was next.
00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:46.240
Yeah.
00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:48.000
So sorry, that was a lot.
00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:51.919
But no, Jin, this is I was just like writing a couple of things down.
00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:56.320
I mean, I can just relate to so many things, you know, just about your story.
00:15:56.559 --> 00:15:58.320
One oldest daughter here.
00:15:58.559 --> 00:16:00.720
So I uh, you know, totally get that.
00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:07.759
But then even I I say I'm a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, you know, but it still shows up.
00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:10.000
You know, it still shows up.
00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:22.080
And then identity of just like putting the things that you do, right, as your identity, you know, just I I just remember, I mean, one, um dance is my background.
00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:26.240
I think you know, some of our listeners have heard this before, but dance is my background.
00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:28.559
I was a background dancer for Justin Timberlake.
00:16:28.639 --> 00:16:31.919
So I mean, like that was like my identity, right?
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:33.840
And wanting to become a mom.
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:35.360
That was my identity.
00:16:35.519 --> 00:16:38.559
And so of just and numbing, right?
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:45.120
Of scrolling, just doing all the things to like not feel that grief, not process that grief.
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:56.080
And so I just, and then something else you I want to go back to that, but something else I love that you said was just that the Lord was working through all of it and you and you couldn't see it, you know.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:58.320
I think that's such a beautiful reminder.
00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:10.960
Um, because we're like, I I mean, if I can be transparent on the way here, I, you know, I went into the office this morning and then came home to record, but I mean, literally bawling, crying, and being like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:19.839
You know, and so thank you for encouraging me and reminding me, even though we can't see it, God is still working in our stories.
00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:23.759
And so the outcome might look a little bit different, but he's still working.
00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:25.839
So thank you for that, Jen, so much.
00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:26.880
Yes, you're welcome.
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:33.759
Um, but back to like your grief and like wanting to, you know, not sit still in the silence.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.880
Like, tell us, you know, I I'm guessing some of this is in the book, but tell us a few things.
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:49.599
I know our listeners would love to hear just some practical things of maybe what did you do to like slowly, you know, because I know grief is going to be with us always.
00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:52.960
You know, we're always going to carry that piece with us.
00:17:53.119 --> 00:18:00.640
But like, were there any practical things, Jen, that you did that maybe helped you put your phone down one day, right?
00:18:00.799 --> 00:18:03.279
Or, you know, what were those practical things?
00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:03.920
Yeah.
00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:06.960
So journaling has always been a big thing for me.
00:18:07.279 --> 00:18:12.640
Um, and so I make that part of my morning routine or or my Bible time.
00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:16.799
It might not be necessarily in the morning, but really just getting it out, I think.
00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.400
I also I love AI.
00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:25.759
I know there's a lot of mixed feelings about that, but I have like a prompt that I've created with like the values and my beliefs and and things like that.
00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:39.119
And I just sometimes brain dump there because I just I think that's the big thing is we just hold it in because we don't, first of all, we don't maybe know how to talk about it or who to talk with, you know, who to talk about it with.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:44.079
And my husband's a great listener, but he doesn't always understand exactly like what I'm what I'm going through.
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:50.960
And I have amazing um sister-in-laws and girlfriends, and I think just getting it out is the biggest thing.
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:56.160
And there are some journal prompts in the book, so in every chapter, there's something you can work through.
00:18:56.480 --> 00:19:01.920
And so people are really, really loving that too, because sometimes you don't know what to dump, right?
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:08.720
And then you feel guilty for like telling God what you really think, and he wants to hear those things.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:12.319
He doesn't want you to come all polished, he wants you to bring it to him.
00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:14.079
Don't clean it up, just dump it.
00:19:14.240 --> 00:19:15.519
So journaling is huge.
00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:19.039
Really, I have been a Christian my whole entire life.
00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:21.359
So I actually grew up a credo Catholic.
00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:25.119
I actually went and taught Catholic school for seven years.
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:32.559
Um, and then when my husband went to Afghanistan, I really felt a pull to really just get to know Jesus more in a more relational way.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:39.119
I love the Catholic Church and their tradition and the pop and the circumstance, but I just felt like I was missing something.
00:19:39.279 --> 00:19:50.880
And so my husband and I made a decision to move our family into the non-denominational space, which has been a beautiful journey in itself because our middle son actually just found his wife at our church.
00:19:50.960 --> 00:19:52.480
And then they're getting married in March.
00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:58.799
And it's just been beautiful just to see how God has worked through that because we ended up in a church that was 40 minutes from our house.
00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:00.640
We could have gone to one much closer.
00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:02.480
Um, but he was writing the story, right?
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:03.039
All along.
00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:08.160
And that's when I talked about taking kind of a view, a step back and looking at all he did.
00:20:08.319 --> 00:20:14.480
And um, you know, all that drive time was worth it because we have a beautiful future daughter-in-law that will be joining our family.
00:20:14.799 --> 00:20:19.920
So the other thing I would say is really getting a support system around you.
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:22.640
And so I had to kind of reevaluate some of the friendships.
00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:32.799
Um, make sure the people that you're hanging out with um and spending time with are people who are God or God-fearing people, are people who are living by those morals.
00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:40.720
And I'm not saying that you can't have those people that are not believers in your life because they need our love too, but just make sure that you are surrounding yourself.
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:46.319
I have women that I can just totally go to and just dump or say, hey, you know what?
00:20:46.480 --> 00:20:47.440
I need prayer right now.
00:20:47.519 --> 00:20:51.119
Like I, I just I I can't I can't do this on my own.
00:20:51.279 --> 00:20:55.279
And so just asking God to bring those women into your life because he will.
00:20:55.440 --> 00:21:01.519
And I've just had some beautiful women come into my life that I never in a million years expected they would be in my life.
00:21:01.759 --> 00:21:04.559
And so, you know, just a combination of those things.
00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:08.480
And then, you know, not being afraid to get help, whether that's through counseling.
00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:20.160
I've actually been working with some women who are grieving and they don't really want to go through traditional counseling, but they they want to unpack and they want to come up with a plan and they want to get back into church, but they're just afraid.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:24.000
They're afraid of taking that next step or or where do they even start?
00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:30.480
And so, you know, just kind of tapping into some of those resources will also help in the journey.
00:21:31.359 --> 00:21:32.559
Jen, that's awesome.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:33.039
Okay.
00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:34.799
I wrote I was I wrote those down.
00:21:34.880 --> 00:21:37.200
I love journaling, community.
00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:43.759
And I don't know how you would sum up that last one, but maybe of just like not being afraid to ask for help, you know?
00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:53.279
And so those are really just I think those are great practical, you know, things, regardless of where you are right in your journey.
00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:55.440
And so thanks for sharing that, Jen.
00:21:55.680 --> 00:21:58.319
I had it just like one one last thing for you.
00:21:58.480 --> 00:21:58.799
Yes.
00:21:58.960 --> 00:22:13.680
Um, is just Like so the woman that's listening, right, that has had compounded grief, whatever that may look like for her, and is having that really tough time of sitting still and feeling all of the feelings.
00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:17.359
Jen, what would you say to her just to encourage her?
00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:24.319
I would say that you're not alone, even though God feels so distant, the Holy Spirit's there.
00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:31.920
Um, you know, just ask, talk to him, talk to him throughout your day and you know, ask him to show you different things and signs.
00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:33.119
Like I'm a big believer.
00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:35.680
Like right now, I've seen praying mantises everywhere.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:39.200
And I feel like that's my little sign of like, hey, keep going, keep praying.
00:22:39.279 --> 00:22:41.599
I'm here, you know, because they have their little prayer hands.
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:48.319
Um, but you know, I think just asking the Holy Spirit to come into your life and then being obedient.
00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:55.039
For me right now, I am just asking the Holy Spirit every day, like, Lord, what do I need to hear from you today?
00:22:55.200 --> 00:23:04.400
And I open my Bible and it's just, it's been such a beautiful thing because it's always exactly what I need to hear, even though I don't know that I need to hear it.
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:10.960
And so just really just creating that relationship with him and just to know you're not too far gone.
00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:16.160
You might think that you, there's no way that that God wants to have a relationship with you.
00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:17.759
And that's completely false.
00:23:17.920 --> 00:23:21.839
You know, the whole idea that you have to clean yourself up first to come to him.
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.400
No, he wants you just to bring it all.
00:23:24.559 --> 00:23:27.359
And it's, you know, his shoulders are big enough to hold it all.
00:23:27.519 --> 00:23:31.759
And I think I had to remind myself of that, that he wants the real me.
00:23:31.839 --> 00:23:33.599
He doesn't want the cleaned up, polished me.
00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:44.319
And again, that's really hard when you are a people pleaser because you're used to being put together and appearing in this way, where, you know, when you bring your mess, you're like, oh, like, does he really want to hear this?
00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:45.039
And he does.
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:47.200
He wants to hear the struggle.
00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:49.200
He wants to hear if you're frustrated with him.
00:23:49.359 --> 00:23:52.799
He wants to hear, like you said, in your car, like, Lord, what are you doing?
00:23:52.960 --> 00:24:03.200
I'm going through a season right that, like that right now, like I shared with, you know, wanting to be a mama, but then there's some other things going on that I've been specifically praying for, and there's no movement.
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:08.000
It's like door after door after door is closing, and I'm like, Lord, you know?
00:24:08.160 --> 00:24:12.480
And so just not be afraid to create that relationship.
00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:14.480
So beautiful.
00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:16.000
Jim, thank you so much.
00:24:16.160 --> 00:24:18.880
Will you tell everybody where they can find you online?
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:21.680
Tell them where they can grab your book, all the things.
00:24:21.839 --> 00:24:22.079
Yes.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.319
So the book is on Amazon.
00:24:24.400 --> 00:24:28.480
Um, it's actually, if you have Kindle Unlimited, it's a free download on your Kindle.
00:24:28.640 --> 00:24:29.680
So you can go do that.
00:24:29.759 --> 00:24:33.440
But I highly recommend purchasing the actual book because you can journal in the book.
00:24:33.519 --> 00:24:35.039
Like I said, there's um questions.
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:36.319
So that's on Amazon.
00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:38.880
My website's jenconrad.com.
00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.200
Um, I hang out on Instagram and Facebook.
00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:43.039
So you can find me both places.
00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:45.839
And I would just love for you to share as you're reading.
00:24:46.000 --> 00:24:51.759
I just love when people share like the aha moments or just the things that really touch their heart.
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:56.799
Because as a writer and you put yourself out there and you're so vulnerable and open and honest.
00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:05.839
And just to hear that what you said and put out in the world is really making an impact, it just is just an encouragement for me to keep going and keep writing and sharing.
00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:06.720
So, yes.
00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:07.759
Awesome.
00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:08.720
Jen, thank you.
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:16.799
We're gonna put all of that in the show notes so everybody can connect with you and grab the book, you know, and and share their aha moments with you.
00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:21.680
But we're grateful that you took the time just to to share um and share your heart with us.
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:23.680
And so appreciate you so much, Jen.
00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:25.839
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:26.480
Yeah.
00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:34.720
So, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the Purpose Beyond Motherhood Podcast, and we will see you next time.
