Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell - Volume 1

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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett.
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And I'm Josh Willicombe.
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Welcome to Parenting Hell, the show in which Josh and
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I discuss what it's really like to be a parent,
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which I would say can be a little tricky.
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So, to make ourselves, and hopefully you, feel better about
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the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting, each week
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we'll be chatting to a famous parent about how they're coping.
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Or hopefully how they're not coping.
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And we'll also be hearing from you, the listener, with
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your tips, advice and, of course, tales of parenting woe.
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Because, let's be honest, there are plenty of times when
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none of us know what we're doing.
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Hello, I'm Rob Beckett. And I'm Josh Whittacombe.
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And you're listening to Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell,
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Volume 1.
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And kicking things off, our first ever guest, Catherine Ryan,
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discusses her daughter's TikTok obsession.
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My screen time at the moment is an absolute disgrace.
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Yeah.
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My screen time last week was eight hours and then
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it dropped to five hours this week and I genuinely
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felt like I had achieved, like I'd climbed Everest to
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just do five hours a day on my telephone. Telephone?
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Who am I, a Victorian?
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What's your screen time at the moment, Catherine?
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It's bad, but I read. I don't think that I'm doing,
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you know, nefarious activities on the phone all the time.
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It's not all social media. I read all my news
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articles on there. I subscribe to all the newspapers.
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I am reading.
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I use it like a Kindle.
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I try to read, but then I just end up
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immediately going back onto TikTok.
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I can't.
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I can't with TikTok.
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I'm obsessed with it. I love it. And I don't
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know why. On paper, I shouldn't.
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No, I don't know. I think it's about your level, Rob.
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That's about my vibe, isn't it?
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Bit of TikTok, bit of Lego, bad.
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Yeah.
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I live like a teenage girl.
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Well, this is the other thing with TikTok that's so
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annoying and you should like it. I mean, I love
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the idea that 10-year-olds are moving around and dancing, but
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it's constant. So they'll be on TikTok learning dances. But
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even once the phone is put away, my daughter will
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walk into the kitchen for snacks and she's TikTok-ing. All
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she wants to do is watch the older girls on
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TikTok and learn the dances that they're doing and then
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emulate those dances in a crop top. And I've studied
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TikTok because... I'm trying to bond with this child. I
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used to have a two-year-old girl and she liked me
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very much. And now I have to reach out and
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basically watch these jailbait 15-year-olds doing sexy dances, doing the splits.
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I have to learn those dances. I made a list
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of how to be successful at TikTok based on what
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I've learned. And I've tried to feed this back to Violet.
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But it's a terrible list. All you want to do
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is you need good lighting, really nice straight white smile,
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and you need to get your ass out and be flexible.
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And that's it.
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Well, I'm one ass away from being successful on TikTok
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by the sounds of that. What you don't realize is
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they are like proper celebrities in that world. So if
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they went to an event where there was loads of
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kids that age, there would be people all over them going,
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oh my God, can I have a picture of that
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at 15?
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It's like they're megastars in a cult.
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And I am ashamed to say that pre-lockdown, I would
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travel around the UK with my daughter and go to
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a travel lodge in Milton Keynes to hang out with
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TikTokers for like a five-hour meet and greet.
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Oh, wow.
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How much would that cost?
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It costs, I think, 20 pounds each, but then there's
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loads of merch there that you're railroaded into buying. There's
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no performance element.
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They don't do anything.
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And they're lovely girls, but they just have like a
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step and repeat, you know, that branding board in the back.
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And they stand there and the children cue to hug
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them and record a quick TikTok where they stick their
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tongue out.
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And then they resume and they cue.
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Again to do the same. And it's really a weird,
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you wait. I don't know what it's going to be
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when your daughters are 10.
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I know.
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Oh, no.
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It's only five years away for me. It's like we're
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in Black Mirror, isn't it?
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I can't believe how out of the loop I am
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when you describe that. Am I old?
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No, you are peacefully unaware right now and enjoy this
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time because we all have different struggles at different stages
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of parenthood. And this is the one I'm in right now.
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I'm very ashamed to say that I paid a teenager
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800 pounds to visit my house last June.
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Did you?
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Because she's on TikTok.
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Yeah. So did I, but I got it out of
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the papers.
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So you paid a TikTok, like basically a corporate appearance fee,
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to come to your daughter's house?
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Exactly that.
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It was the only thing Violet wanted for her birthday.
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She said, will you get this TikToker to come to
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the house?
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Wow.
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And I said, all right. So I reached out to
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this teen. It felt very dirty, just a teenage girl.
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I was like, how much.
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How much is it going to cost me to get
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you come dance in my kitchen?
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I think it's a weird thing where Me and Josh
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are at the stage now where the kids are really
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young and we sort of feel quite young still.
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Like, oh, we sort of know about cool stuff, but
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we don't. We're completely oblivious.
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It's only when your kids get a bit older, like
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your daughter's 10 now, that they bring into this new world.
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You go, oh, that's what's going on. We're in this
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weird fallow period where we don't know what is cool
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or what is popular. And then you get brought into
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it by your kids.
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Do you think my parents were thinking about, like, we're
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talking about TikTok and they were talking about that, like, about, like,
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gladiators or like.
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All Josh wants is to meet Jazz in a mall.
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I spent 300 quid on getting Shadow to come round
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for the afternoon to hit him with a massive cotton bud.
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That was a brilliant Catherine Ryan. If you want to
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listen to the whole interview, you can find it right
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at the start. Series one, episode one. That and the
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rest of the clip details can be found in the
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episode listing. Up next is comedian John Richardson and the
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perils of trying to make food that both he and
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his daughter enjoy.
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Good afternoon, John Richardson.
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How are you?
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Yes, I'm very well. How are you?
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Yeah.
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We're all right, aren't we?
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Yeah, we're fine. I think we're good. Do you want
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to just take me through? So you've got one, you've
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got a daughter.
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We have a daughter who's three years old.
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Three years old.
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About three and a half.
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Proper three-nager, which is the term that I've been taught. Proper, bolshie,
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won't do what she's told, but in a sort of witty,
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you know, both of us are comics. So yeah, she's
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learned how to use humour as a way of deflecting
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from being an absolute pain in the arse.
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Which I can't.
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Criticise her for, because... That's the one thing I've taught her.
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I mean, to let you into what's happening, it's, what
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is it, half past one. I'm having a beer because
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lunch was just an absolute nightmare. We had a nice morning.
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We went for our walk, came back, cooked a lovely curry,
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no spice in it so that Elsie could have some,
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put it down in front of her, just went absolutely apeshit,
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wouldn't touch it. And I've had a few meals where
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I've said, look, you know, we need you to eat
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and we need to understand what meal times are. And
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today I said, I like this curry, so I'm going
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to leave you with your mother and you can do
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what you need to do. And I'm going to eat
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it in a different room because I'm sick of you
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ruining my meals.
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And you had your bland curry on your own.
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I chopped some chilies in mine. I put some coriander
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in it. All the stuff she doesn't like that I
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omitted to handcraft a meal for a child that is
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now halfway through some fish dippers and waffles.
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Do you think maybe... You'd made her carry too bland.
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She said there was pepper in it. And there isn't
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because I... Fuck the fucking thing. But you can't say
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that to a three-year-old.
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Can you?
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I know exactly what's in it because I put it
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in there. What I'm learning is when the rage kicks
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in instantly, that's my fault, not hers. So when she
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says that and I say, oh, look, I promise you
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there isn't. Come over here and I'll show you the ingredients.
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And look, you helped me, didn't you? Because you did
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the mushrooms. That's rational good, daddy. The minute the reaction
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to that is, the fuck it isn't any pepper. When
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that thought comes to my head, I think, you need
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to go away now because she's bored of you as well.
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So I went in a different room and I think
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that was the right policy.
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Oh, that's nice. How's your beer?
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The beer is cold and delicious and it's the first of, well,
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not many because, you know, there'll be this whole round
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to have again at tea time, won't there?
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LAUGHTER What are you making for tea? Are you doing
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a lot of cooking?
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Yeah, food's my sort of go-to, you know, I wake
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up in the morning and I need to know what
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we're having. So last night at quarter to 12, I
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suddenly decided we had to have Bircher muesli for breakfast.
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So I was clattering around in the kitchen, soaking oats.
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She didn't eat that either. What she does, she eats
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until she's not hungry. She doesn't eat until she's full.
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I don't know if you're experiencing this.
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I've got two and one eats, the younger one eats
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everything and all the dinner, really good. The other one doesn't,
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like you say, will have one mouthful and goes, oh,
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I'm not starving hunger anymore.
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I'm off.
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And then an hour later, can I have a sandwich?
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Can I have some bread?
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Yeah.
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I know, but it sort of makes sense, doesn't it?
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When there's so many toys in the house, the sort
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of policy is, well, I'll just pick. You know, like
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when you're at a house party, you go, I'll just
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pick at stuff.
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Yeah.
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You can't explain to her. You need to sit and
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continue to... I know you know what it tastes like
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and you're not hungry anymore, but the policy is you
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now shovel this gruel into your face until it slightly hurts.
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I don't know if the words the policy is are
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going to be helpful to her.
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She genuinely has picked up. And it's one of those
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things you don't know you're saying it until they say
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it back to you. She'll say now she'll say to
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me okay daddy here's the deal and then we have
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a negotiation here's the deal i eat this waffle and
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then that's it and then we can play and you
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have to say yeah okay fine.
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John, with these deals, you've got to be prepared to
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walk away. That's the thing. If you're going to show
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any strength.
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I'm too prepared to walk away. That's the problem.
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I've got a little bit of a tip for trying
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to get to eat lunch, because like I said, mine
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don't really do it. Do a picnic buggy. But what
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you do is make them a packed lunch, put them
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in the buggy with it, and then you walk for
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an hour whilst they eat their lunch.
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That is a good little tip, Rob.
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It's a lovely tip, but then you get to an
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age where she needs to learn to sit and eat
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a meal, you know, because this lockdown situation, she's not
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going to nursery anymore. And nursery was where she was learning,
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you know, you can be a bit of a prick
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at home while we're eating tea, but you can't, if
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you mess around at nursery, you'll get told off and
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you just won't get lunch.
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Well, that was my, I tell you, that was my
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saving grace whenever I did some bad, like weak parenting
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was I'd always think she's picking it up at nursery
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and So it doesn't matter if I drop the ball
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a bit. She's eating great food at nursery. So this
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cheese on toast is fine. And now I haven't got that.
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Yeah, but you worry too much because when they go,
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we've got to teach him to use a knife and fork. No,
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I've never met anyone at 37. you go to a restaurant,
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they're just like shoveling soup up with their hands because
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they never learn.
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They will learn at some point. Do you know what
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I mean? Like the same with sitting down.
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It's like, you don't see like grownups at weddings wandering
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about just eating a baguette because that's just what I
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did as a kid.
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You meet someone, he's like, yeah, I do want this meal,
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but you're right to push me around in a buggy
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while I eat it.
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LAUGHTER And because it's only fair, and for the purposes
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of balance, of course, here's John's wife Lucy with her
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version of the curry gate scandal.
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00:11:57.350 --> 00:12:00.909
He made her a corn curry with brown rice.
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I mean, I'm tapping out of that as an adult.
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He never said that, did he, Josh?
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No, he said it was a lovely curry.
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It was a lovely curry for John. For someone who's
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trying to not like food.
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You can't expect a kid to eat that.
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No, so she pretended that she wanted a poo and
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I made her chicken dippers.
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Does she play you off against each other then? Does
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she understand the different characters?
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God, she's so clever.
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She's been doing it, yeah. She's had me particularly wrapped
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around it. She listens to John, he's the disciplinarian, and me,
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I'm wrapped around her finger. I don't even realise I'm
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doing stuff and then before I know it, like, a
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whole Easter egg's gone. And she's still in her pyjamas
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and it's four.
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00:12:50.450 --> 00:12:53.529
O'clock. You're the good cop then and John's the bad cop.
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Do you know what I think it is?
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00:12:55.700 --> 00:12:58.639
She sees me as like her older sister.
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Yeah.
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Like a sibling. It's hard.
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My wife's a bit like that with the two girls.
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And sometimes in the morning, if it's her turn to
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get up with them and she goes in and they're
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arguing and fighting and she starts shouting, I can't work
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out which one's my wife.
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00:13:13.750 --> 00:13:15.370
It just sounds like they're all the same.
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I've got three daughters.
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00:13:17.210 --> 00:13:18.669
I can't work out the voices.
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Oh, God.
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00:13:20.509 --> 00:13:22.309
I do that with her socks. I can't work out
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whose socks are who.
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00:13:28.590 --> 00:13:29.350
It's tricky.
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It's just no one can prepare you, can they? Like
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how it changes your relationship and your home.
315
00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:35.440
Yeah.
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00:13:35.539 --> 00:13:35.779
Yeah.
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00:13:36.230 --> 00:13:38.429
Is your home in a good state? Like, John must
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00:13:38.470 --> 00:13:39.669
be keeping it pretty sharp.
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00:13:39.789 --> 00:13:42.110
It's all bollocks, this thing about him being tidy.
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Is it?
321
00:13:42.690 --> 00:13:44.110
He's absolutely not tidy.
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00:13:44.169 --> 00:13:44.590
No, no.
323
00:13:44.909 --> 00:13:47.980
It'll line up like tins in the fridge, but everything
324
00:13:48.049 --> 00:13:51.120
else will just be. And he's not clean. He doesn't
325
00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:55.179
hoover or dust or anything like that. It's all, I
326
00:13:55.220 --> 00:13:57.580
can't believe it. People think, oh, he must have a
327
00:13:57.580 --> 00:13:58.279
real tidy house.
328
00:13:58.360 --> 00:13:59.039
No, I do it all.
329
00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:00.019
Do you?
330
00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:02.200
I do everything. Yeah, I do everything.
331
00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:05.419
Because he was quite angry about the strainer in the sink.
332
00:14:05.669 --> 00:14:06.649
Apart from that, yeah.
333
00:14:06.789 --> 00:14:07.710
That's his thing, is it?
334
00:14:07.870 --> 00:14:10.909
Yeah, we do argue a lot about stuff like that,
335
00:14:10.929 --> 00:14:12.929
but I think it's really good to argue, isn't it?
336
00:14:13.070 --> 00:14:14.960
Yeah, I think you need it. When you hear a
337
00:14:15.019 --> 00:14:18.500
couple that doesn't argue, I find that very creepy.
338
00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:21.379
Do you know what's happening if there's a couple who
339
00:14:21.419 --> 00:14:24.139
isn't arguing? One of them's having an affair.
340
00:14:24.539 --> 00:14:28.570
In lockdown, that'd be ambitious, though, wouldn't it? You only
341
00:14:28.629 --> 00:14:29.710
get an hour in the park.
342
00:14:31.149 --> 00:14:33.049
That's what doggers have been waiting for for years.
343
00:14:33.070 --> 00:14:39.559
LAUGHTER The next highlight from the archives, the brilliant Ellie
344
00:14:39.620 --> 00:14:43.379
Taylor runs us through some questionable breastfeeding training advice.
345
00:14:45.700 --> 00:14:47.220
How did you get on with that? Because Lou found
346
00:14:47.240 --> 00:14:49.929
that quite difficult with the breastfeeding stuff. Did you enjoy
347
00:14:49.950 --> 00:14:53.570
it or was it hard? What was your experience of that?
348
00:14:53.610 --> 00:14:54.110
For me, it was.
349
00:14:56.490 --> 00:14:58.710
It was pretty easy at the beginning and it came
350
00:14:58.750 --> 00:15:00.570
quite naturally and I was really chuffed. But then I
351
00:15:00.610 --> 00:15:04.610
got mastitis a couple of times, which was like absolute hell.
352
00:15:04.850 --> 00:15:06.230
Oh my God.
353
00:15:06.870 --> 00:15:09.929
I don't understand what the fuck nature is doing. So
354
00:15:09.950 --> 00:15:14.320
the first time I had it, she was seven weeks old.
355
00:15:14.549 --> 00:15:18.279
I'm recovering from a cesarean still. Like you're obviously at
356
00:15:18.379 --> 00:15:22.419
the lowest ebb you can possibly imagine. And then nature
357
00:15:22.460 --> 00:15:24.700
decides to infect one of your tits.
358
00:15:26.629 --> 00:15:28.649
I'm sorry to laugh.
359
00:15:29.210 --> 00:15:31.710
But it was, I mean, it was, there were always
360
00:15:31.769 --> 00:15:34.409
dark moments of humor in these situations. And I remember like,
361
00:15:34.580 --> 00:15:36.460
I've never been in so much pain and I was
362
00:15:36.500 --> 00:15:40.059
like hallucinating with this fever. And we got a breastfeeding
363
00:15:40.100 --> 00:15:41.940
coach to come around and try and sort of work
364
00:15:41.980 --> 00:15:43.779
out why I'd got mastitis and try and help the latch.
365
00:15:44.000 --> 00:15:46.610
And she was this strange Russian lady. And to try
366
00:15:46.830 --> 00:15:50.230
and sort of help me work out the latch, she got,
367
00:15:50.570 --> 00:15:52.690
she pulled out of her bag, I'm crying on the
368
00:15:52.710 --> 00:15:54.169
sofa in the most pain I've ever been in my life.
369
00:15:54.429 --> 00:16:00.340
She pulls out an Elmo hand puppet and starts to
370
00:16:00.360 --> 00:16:04.600
sort of demonstrate the perfect latch with the Elmo puppet
371
00:16:04.700 --> 00:16:06.059
on my infected tit.
372
00:16:06.419 --> 00:16:07.200
Oh God.
373
00:16:07.259 --> 00:16:09.259
Oh my word. At the time I was... Are you
374
00:16:09.299 --> 00:16:09.720
sure this was.
375
00:16:11.340 --> 00:16:15.570
Oh, the days of pre-corona, had it been disinfected? How
376
00:16:15.610 --> 00:16:18.919
many breasts has this Elmo been on? That'll weigh Lineker
377
00:16:19.000 --> 00:16:24.490
of hand puppets in. feeling that moment Ellie that you're
378
00:16:24.509 --> 00:16:26.490
just sat there because I well I.
379
00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:29.370
Was I was you know very I was very vulnerable
380
00:16:29.389 --> 00:16:31.429
at that moment so I was like a lady what
381
00:16:31.450 --> 00:16:35.929
to do Elmo will help me um reflecting back on
382
00:16:35.970 --> 00:16:41.429
it that I was like what the fuck um.
383
00:16:40.620 --> 00:16:43.320
That Elmo's got some stories to tell hasn't it bloody
384
00:16:43.399 --> 00:16:44.059
up can.
385
00:16:44.019 --> 00:16:45.740
I throw some other options at you of what you
386
00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:47.879
would be accepting because you accepted Elmo obviously like a
387
00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:49.840
sort of cartoon figure if she just whipped out of
388
00:16:49.860 --> 00:16:53.799
ventriloquist doll how would you feel Because it must.
389
00:16:53.700 --> 00:16:56.070
Be a level of the cuddly toy you'd accept to
390
00:16:56.090 --> 00:16:59.009
do that. You know, go, hold up. No, no, no, no, no.
391
00:16:59.049 --> 00:17:00.590
This is one step too far.
392
00:17:01.350 --> 00:17:03.610
If it had kind eyes, I'd let anything have a
393
00:17:03.629 --> 00:17:04.750
go at that point, I think.
394
00:17:04.769 --> 00:17:06.609
Fair enough. You're very vulnerable.
395
00:17:06.829 --> 00:17:07.670
And did it work?
396
00:17:09.009 --> 00:17:11.170
Well, it got better, and I don't know. And then
397
00:17:11.230 --> 00:17:13.450
I got mastitis again, and it was just sort of
398
00:17:13.470 --> 00:17:13.930
a pile of shit.
399
00:17:13.950 --> 00:17:14.539
I don't understand.
400
00:17:14.579 --> 00:17:16.380
You brought Oscar the Grouch around that time.
401
00:17:18.259 --> 00:17:19.660
Big bird. I had a go on the other one.
402
00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:26.500
LAUGHTER That gold cookie monster stayed at home. Yeah.
403
00:17:26.619 --> 00:17:26.799
Yeah.
404
00:17:26.859 --> 00:17:28.920
So it was like, I did like miss it though.
405
00:17:28.940 --> 00:17:31.180
When I stopped breastfeeding, I did miss it. But then I,
406
00:17:31.319 --> 00:17:33.420
I got really quite, I remember getting quite emotional. Like
407
00:17:33.819 --> 00:17:36.220
it's the end of our journey together. I'm just going
408
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:37.869
to feed her one last time. And then she started
409
00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:39.529
biting me and I was like, Oh, do you know what?
410
00:17:39.569 --> 00:17:41.349
I think we're done. And it was less, yeah, it
411
00:17:41.390 --> 00:17:43.230
was less, it was less sad to let it go.
412
00:17:43.369 --> 00:17:44.750
But I didn't, yeah, I do still kind of miss
413
00:17:44.769 --> 00:17:46.250
it in a way. Although when I hear about some
414
00:17:46.269 --> 00:17:47.470
of my friends who are still doing it and their
415
00:17:47.490 --> 00:17:49.630
kids are 18 months old and like, They're not sleeping
416
00:17:49.650 --> 00:17:51.740
through the night and stuff. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine.
417
00:17:51.980 --> 00:17:52.839
I'm fine with bottles now.
418
00:17:52.980 --> 00:17:53.420
Thank you.
419
00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:53.519
Yeah.
420
00:17:54.039 --> 00:17:56.980
Yeah, that is tough. There's so much pressure, especially if
421
00:17:57.000 --> 00:17:59.380
they're starting to bite, just tap out. That's when Lou did,
422
00:17:59.420 --> 00:18:02.309
especially with my offspring. You can't have them nibbling away
423
00:18:02.349 --> 00:18:03.430
at those jeans.
424
00:18:07.430 --> 00:18:09.970
Now it's time for comedy legend Jack D and his
425
00:18:10.059 --> 00:18:11.940
tale of the terror of twins.
426
00:18:14.660 --> 00:18:17.380
And they're twins, aren't they? So your two sons are twins.
427
00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:18.079
They're twins.
428
00:18:18.180 --> 00:18:21.559
So they're both 22, and they're non-identical, so they're very,
429
00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:27.019
very different. So it's not like you've got two kind
430
00:18:27.059 --> 00:18:28.680
of identical freaks going.
431
00:18:28.500 --> 00:18:29.539
Around the place.
432
00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:36.799
LAUGHTER Couldn't have any telepathy and all that going on
433
00:18:36.819 --> 00:18:41.809
at the table. That would not work for me. If
434
00:18:41.869 --> 00:18:43.990
they had been identical, I think I would have just
435
00:18:44.049 --> 00:18:46.289
done eeny, meeny, miny, moe and sold one of them.
436
00:18:49.190 --> 00:18:50.980
I just wouldn't want that going on, would you?
437
00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:52.460
It'd be horrible.
438
00:18:52.480 --> 00:18:54.720
They speak their own little language and everything.
439
00:18:56.140 --> 00:18:59.740
What was the moment like when you realised that you
440
00:18:59.779 --> 00:19:01.259
were going to have three, but now you're going to
441
00:19:01.299 --> 00:19:02.140
have four children?
442
00:19:02.630 --> 00:19:05.950
Well, the news was broken to me actually by Hattie,
443
00:19:06.009 --> 00:19:07.089
who's our eldest daughter.
444
00:19:07.130 --> 00:19:09.369
She was then, she was, she was what, six.
445
00:19:09.589 --> 00:19:13.529
And I got paid, I was working at ITV and
446
00:19:14.470 --> 00:19:17.180
I got paid to go to the front desk. And
447
00:19:17.759 --> 00:19:20.119
when I turned up, Jane, my wife was there with
448
00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:23.940
Hattie and Phoebe, our two daughters. My memory is Hattie
449
00:19:24.059 --> 00:19:27.019
running towards me with this photo, the scan photo.
450
00:19:27.420 --> 00:19:30.119
Saying, there are two of them, there are two of them.
451
00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:32.480
Really exciting, because we hadn't found out until it was
452
00:19:32.500 --> 00:19:37.680
about a 20-week scan or something. And the guy doing
453
00:19:37.700 --> 00:19:39.640
the sort of thing, he said, oh, have we told
454
00:19:39.680 --> 00:19:40.769
you if they're identical or not?
455
00:19:40.789 --> 00:19:43.490
And Jane said, what? And that's how we found out.
456
00:19:43.509 --> 00:19:46.019
You know, what you're talking about wow.
457
00:19:50.690 --> 00:19:52.589
We were lucky there because we'd already had two children,
458
00:19:52.650 --> 00:19:55.549
so we kind of knew a bit about how to
459
00:19:55.589 --> 00:19:57.930
look after babies and kids and stuff like that. I
460
00:19:57.950 --> 00:20:00.750
think I've got friends, and you probably know people as well,
461
00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:03.839
who have twins first time round, and I just don't
462
00:20:03.900 --> 00:20:07.640
know how they cope with that. Because that is a
463
00:20:07.740 --> 00:20:10.480
bad enough shot with one of them, isn't it? You know,
464
00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:14.240
one baby will ruin your life. What did two do
465
00:20:14.359 --> 00:20:17.660
at the same time? Two of them coming in, I mean,
466
00:20:17.700 --> 00:20:18.359
just awful.
467
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:18.599
Yeah.
468
00:20:19.390 --> 00:20:19.980
So what's it.
469
00:20:19.970 --> 00:20:23.299
Like having twins? Are you putting them down to bed
470
00:20:23.319 --> 00:20:25.839
at the same time? Are you trying to bath? Is
471
00:20:25.880 --> 00:20:27.779
it all like you're just trying to double team them
472
00:20:27.819 --> 00:20:29.759
in that sense?
473
00:20:29.960 --> 00:20:33.779
No, they were never in sync with each other. They
474
00:20:33.819 --> 00:20:35.960
could never kind of like both be hungry at the
475
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:38.140
same time, both be tired at the same time. They
476
00:20:38.220 --> 00:20:42.559
did shift work. That's what it was. So it was
477
00:20:42.579 --> 00:20:46.740
24-hour full-on. You'd have one would fall asleep, the other
478
00:20:46.809 --> 00:20:48.329
one wake up, and so you have to get them
479
00:20:48.369 --> 00:20:49.710
out of the room in case they wake the other
480
00:20:49.809 --> 00:20:53.309
one up. It really was chaos. In fact, a couple
481
00:20:53.329 --> 00:20:55.170
of times we just hired a nanny, me and Jane,
482
00:20:55.230 --> 00:20:57.269
and just went away to a hotel for the weekend
483
00:20:57.289 --> 00:21:01.170
to sleep. Literally, just a hotel down the road.
484
00:21:01.309 --> 00:21:02.990
We're just going to sleep.
485
00:21:03.329 --> 00:21:05.269
It wasn't even a nice hotel, just down there. It
486
00:21:05.490 --> 00:21:07.230
was an ibis down the road. We just went there
487
00:21:07.250 --> 00:21:08.279
to sleep for 25 hours.
488
00:21:12.930 --> 00:21:14.630
Was there a point, though, where you thought they might
489
00:21:14.650 --> 00:21:16.829
be identical? Because I swear, all babies are the same.
490
00:21:17.390 --> 00:21:19.369
Was you just looking at them going, are you sure
491
00:21:19.390 --> 00:21:19.710
they're not?
492
00:21:19.730 --> 00:21:21.710
And then eventually they.
493
00:21:21.890 --> 00:21:24.750
No, one of them is quite a lot chunkier than
494
00:21:24.769 --> 00:21:26.930
the other one. Charlie comes out first, and he's the
495
00:21:26.970 --> 00:21:30.539
big bruiser. He was taking up all the space. And
496
00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:35.079
then Miles comes out, and he's a little bit more
497
00:21:35.140 --> 00:21:37.420
sort of petite and small. But, you know, I mean,
498
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:39.559
it's great. And then the doctor goes, right, let's see
499
00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:41.539
what number three is. And Jane nearly.
500
00:21:44.859 --> 00:21:47.180
Jane practically fell off the table. And he goes, oh,
501
00:21:47.220 --> 00:21:49.440
just joking. I said, yeah, all right, all right, just
502
00:21:49.460 --> 00:21:52.140
leave that to me.
503
00:21:52.180 --> 00:21:54.720
That is a great line, though, for someone to.
504
00:21:54.839 --> 00:21:56.369
I know, but I felt like I said, look, I
505
00:21:56.380 --> 00:21:58.720
know the safe limits of humour in my household.
506
00:22:00.009 --> 00:22:01.289
And you've gone way past it.
507
00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:04.630
Do they get on well, then? They do.
508
00:22:04.710 --> 00:22:06.609
They do get on well. Because, I mean, partly they
509
00:22:06.630 --> 00:22:10.109
get on well because they're complete opposites to each other.
510
00:22:10.130 --> 00:22:11.009
And that, I think, is.
511
00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:14.670
One of the sort of redeeming features. If you have
512
00:22:14.710 --> 00:22:17.529
twins who decide not to be like each other or
513
00:22:17.569 --> 00:22:20.690
just aren't anyway, and they right from day one would
514
00:22:20.849 --> 00:22:22.569
not do the same thing as each other. So if
515
00:22:22.589 --> 00:22:25.660
they were doing the same homework, one would do coloring
516
00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:27.559
in and the other one decided not to color in
517
00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:29.539
and just, you know, scribble over it or something. And
518
00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:32.000
it would just be, it was always, I will not
519
00:22:32.039 --> 00:22:34.930
do what he does and vice versa. So they're never,
520
00:22:35.289 --> 00:22:38.430
They were never competing, never trod on each other's territory.
521
00:22:38.730 --> 00:22:40.329
So in that respect, it's quite good. And I always
522
00:22:40.349 --> 00:22:42.349
think if you put them together, you'd have the perfect human,
523
00:22:42.390 --> 00:22:43.410
but they just.
524
00:22:43.250 --> 00:22:46.849
Have very, very, very opposite views.
525
00:22:53.670 --> 00:22:57.710
Next up is Daisy Mae Cooper and her daughter's patriotic
526
00:22:57.910 --> 00:22:58.630
potty training.
527
00:23:01.019 --> 00:23:04.640
Daisy, what's your setup at home? What's your kid's setup?
528
00:23:04.660 --> 00:23:08.480
So it's me and my husband and our two-year-old daughter
529
00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:12.400
who's just become a complete nightmare.
530
00:23:12.420 --> 00:23:13.380
Oh, really?
531
00:23:13.420 --> 00:23:13.640
Yeah.
532
00:23:13.809 --> 00:23:14.680
Oh, my God.
533
00:23:14.769 --> 00:23:15.970
During lockdown or?
534
00:23:16.210 --> 00:23:17.170
During lockdown.
535
00:23:17.289 --> 00:23:20.809
It's just got naughtier and naughtier and naughtier and naughtier.
536
00:23:21.210 --> 00:23:22.750
What kind of things?
537
00:23:23.309 --> 00:23:24.549
It's so weird.
538
00:23:24.589 --> 00:23:28.650
So she's decided to use the shed as like an
539
00:23:28.829 --> 00:23:34.990
outdoor privy. And she's been taking– that's why I was–
540
00:23:35.049 --> 00:23:37.309
do you know what was so mental? I'm losing my
541
00:23:37.329 --> 00:23:40.349
mind so much that I was looking up to see,
542
00:23:40.509 --> 00:23:43.930
you know, if kids have been reincarnated from World War II,
543
00:23:43.970 --> 00:23:45.069
and that's why she's.
544
00:23:49.160 --> 00:23:50.799
Any evidence to suggest she has?
545
00:23:50.900 --> 00:23:52.960
Well, no.
546
00:23:53.500 --> 00:23:56.420
The only evidence I have is she's ripping her nappy
547
00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:01.380
off She's done about three poos in the shed. And
548
00:24:01.420 --> 00:24:06.750
the latest one she was really proud of because for V-Day,
549
00:24:06.950 --> 00:24:10.190
we had these kind of little cocktail sticks with little
550
00:24:10.250 --> 00:24:13.890
flags on them that we had in cupcakes. And she'd
551
00:24:13.950 --> 00:24:16.750
managed to find one of them in the garden and
552
00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:21.630
put it in her poo in the shed. LAUGHTER And
553
00:24:21.670 --> 00:24:26.309
then called me over to come and witness it. And
554
00:24:26.369 --> 00:24:29.079
I just stared at it for about 30 seconds.
555
00:24:29.150 --> 00:24:31.380
Just complete bafflement.
556
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:34.119
Are you doing potty training then?
557
00:24:34.700 --> 00:24:35.339
We tried.
558
00:24:35.400 --> 00:24:38.440
She was brilliant before lockdown. She really enjoyed it. But
559
00:24:38.500 --> 00:24:39.700
now she just doesn't.
560
00:24:39.480 --> 00:24:41.789
Give a fuck. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone
561
00:24:41.809 --> 00:24:43.329
or anything.
562
00:24:44.170 --> 00:24:45.430
It's just horrendous.
563
00:24:47.210 --> 00:24:49.960
What did you do with the kind of, flag poo
564
00:24:50.440 --> 00:24:52.619
did you did you say that it was good or
565
00:24:52.640 --> 00:24:55.779
did you what did it have a british flag in
566
00:24:55.960 --> 00:24:59.539
it like a kind of union track like we've claimed.
567
00:24:59.029 --> 00:25:02.970
It yes that's exactly what it was i just i
568
00:25:03.130 --> 00:25:06.710
i stood in silence for about 30 seconds because it was.
569
00:25:06.630 --> 00:25:08.250
Like in respectful silence to our flag.
570
00:25:10.490 --> 00:25:13.390
It's like something the far left would put on a poster.
571
00:25:14.009 --> 00:25:20.230
About Brexit, isn't it?
572
00:25:20.269 --> 00:25:21.730
So are you still working at the moment? Is your
573
00:25:21.750 --> 00:25:22.789
husband working from home?
574
00:25:23.390 --> 00:25:26.630
My husband's a landscape gardener, so he sort of can
575
00:25:26.670 --> 00:25:29.049
go out now and do sort of jobs and stuff.
576
00:25:29.529 --> 00:25:31.049
So I've been.
577
00:25:30.930 --> 00:25:36.059
Left at home with the devil child. I mean, I
578
00:25:36.119 --> 00:25:40.349
do love her very much, but it's just becoming... because
579
00:25:40.390 --> 00:25:42.670
she just doesn't understand why she can't go to the
580
00:25:42.809 --> 00:25:46.609
park or why she can't go see Nanny. She's so
581
00:25:46.710 --> 00:25:48.710
sick of FaceTiming relatives.
582
00:25:49.509 --> 00:25:49.950
Oh, yeah.
583
00:25:50.109 --> 00:25:53.119
It's just, and I'm just putting Bing on, and it's
584
00:25:53.160 --> 00:25:57.579
just on a constant, like a 24-hour repeat of Bing episodes.
585
00:25:57.920 --> 00:25:59.859
My daughter, who's two and a half, she's got no
586
00:25:59.920 --> 00:26:03.480
interest in FaceTime. So it just gets offensive to the
587
00:26:03.539 --> 00:26:04.859
relatives very quickly.
588
00:26:05.259 --> 00:26:07.220
It's so awkward. They go, do you want to speak
589
00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:07.680
to Nanny?
590
00:26:07.759 --> 00:26:08.829
No, no.
591
00:26:09.819 --> 00:26:13.000
I want Paw Patrol. But nanny's here. No, Paw Patrol.
592
00:26:13.039 --> 00:26:16.980
Your nan, no. Which one? And then they go, which one?
593
00:26:17.420 --> 00:26:18.880
And you go, oh, Danny Sue.
594
00:26:19.059 --> 00:26:19.380
Nah.
595
00:26:19.640 --> 00:26:19.799
What?
596
00:26:19.900 --> 00:26:23.400
That's it, that matters. Don't do that. Don't ask which
597
00:26:23.519 --> 00:26:25.559
one and then say no. That's it, that matters.
598
00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:26.940
It's so true.
599
00:26:27.420 --> 00:26:29.920
And are you pregnant with your second as well, Daisy?
600
00:26:30.400 --> 00:26:32.680
I'm pregnant with my second as well. So, I mean,
601
00:26:32.700 --> 00:26:34.779
I haven't even thought about the second one.
602
00:26:34.859 --> 00:26:36.779
So how pregnant are you at the moment?
603
00:26:37.500 --> 00:26:41.839
I'm over, just over halfway. So, oh, my God, I
604
00:26:41.859 --> 00:26:46.500
just want to drink. I want to drink so much.
605
00:26:46.579 --> 00:26:47.400
I can't.
606
00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:49.599
I was Googling how many.
607
00:26:49.700 --> 00:26:52.829
I mean, could I have three drinks if being pregnant?
608
00:26:52.869 --> 00:26:54.089
I thought, oh, no, I can't.
609
00:26:54.170 --> 00:26:57.730
I really can't. Your Google history is unbelievable at the moment,
610
00:26:57.789 --> 00:27:01.109
isn't it? Can a child be reincarnated from World War II?
611
00:27:01.230 --> 00:27:02.670
And can I drink when I'm pregnant?
612
00:27:02.789 --> 00:27:10.180
LAUGHTER The penultimate track on this volume is the absolute
613
00:27:10.240 --> 00:27:13.720
banger that is Milk Tray Moment by Shappi Kassandi.
614
00:27:16.150 --> 00:27:18.390
We had this incident that we still talk about, the
615
00:27:18.410 --> 00:27:19.049
kids and I.
616
00:27:19.349 --> 00:27:23.269
The first few days of lockdown was the Milk Tray incident.
617
00:27:23.750 --> 00:27:24.690
Oh, wow.
618
00:27:25.049 --> 00:27:27.130
What happened in the Milk Tray incident then?
619
00:27:27.170 --> 00:27:29.930
Well, I was trying to make life golden and happy
620
00:27:30.009 --> 00:27:32.190
for my children still, because that's what you do as
621
00:27:32.250 --> 00:27:32.829
a parent, right?
622
00:27:32.849 --> 00:27:35.769
You just try and make everything magical. And then the
623
00:27:36.049 --> 00:27:36.910
first few days of.
624
00:27:36.890 --> 00:27:41.089
Lockdown, I just, well, we started cooking and eating together,
625
00:27:41.109 --> 00:27:41.789
all stuff that I.
626
00:27:41.759 --> 00:27:44.579
Don't really do because I'm always out of work.
627
00:27:45.299 --> 00:27:48.059
And I got this box of milk tray.
628
00:27:48.680 --> 00:27:51.900
And this milk tray box meant a lot to me.
629
00:27:51.799 --> 00:27:54.349
Because I went to the co-op to buy it when,
630
00:27:54.710 --> 00:27:56.450
you know, where you felt like you were putting your
631
00:27:56.490 --> 00:27:58.990
life in danger just stepping into a supermarket.
632
00:27:59.009 --> 00:27:59.109
Yeah.
633
00:28:00.059 --> 00:28:02.259
And I bought it and I left it for a
634
00:28:02.299 --> 00:28:05.339
couple of hours. So I don't know, the germs ran
635
00:28:05.420 --> 00:28:13.859
off or whatever. So it stopped being a box of death.
636
00:28:14.839 --> 00:28:16.680
And then my son went to open it and him
637
00:28:16.920 --> 00:28:19.349
and my daughter were squabbling over how to open it.
638
00:28:20.089 --> 00:28:22.609
And my son's like, he's really clever.
639
00:28:22.630 --> 00:28:22.710
Yeah.
640
00:28:23.569 --> 00:28:26.220
And he's normally really careful with things, but he just
641
00:28:26.359 --> 00:28:28.500
ripped the top of the box off so you couldn't
642
00:28:28.619 --> 00:28:29.559
close the box again.
643
00:28:29.599 --> 00:28:32.240
He just ripped it open. Next thing I knew, it.
644
00:28:32.740 --> 00:28:35.509
Was in the bin. Like I put it in the bin.
645
00:28:36.700 --> 00:28:40.420
I just went, right, you're not having it. You don't deserve,
646
00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:42.900
you kids have had everything given to you on a plate.
647
00:28:43.099 --> 00:28:45.200
I never had milk tray when I was a kid.
648
00:28:45.680 --> 00:28:47.640
My parents had nothing.
649
00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:50.279
We didn't have swimming lessons.
650
00:28:51.660 --> 00:28:56.710
And all of this shit came out of like screaming
651
00:28:56.750 --> 00:28:58.609
at my kids at how privileged they are.
652
00:28:59.259 --> 00:29:01.319
And how lucky they are to have a box of chocolates.
653
00:29:01.380 --> 00:29:04.720
You know, we had one chocolate once a year. I was,
654
00:29:05.480 --> 00:29:09.200
I was not Willy Wonka, Charlie. I was like Charlie
655
00:29:09.240 --> 00:29:13.650
from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Just hellish, hellish. It
656
00:29:13.690 --> 00:29:14.190
was awful.
657
00:29:14.210 --> 00:29:15.369
How many days in was this?
658
00:29:16.029 --> 00:29:22.619
I think it was day two. LAUGHTER How did they react?
659
00:29:22.720 --> 00:29:25.240
I mean, they realized they were dealing with a mad woman.
660
00:29:25.559 --> 00:29:29.460
Like they understood that this wasn't normal. And my son just,
661
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.269
he's so polite and he's so calm. And he looked
662
00:29:33.309 --> 00:29:35.250
at me with like fire in his eyes.
663
00:29:35.930 --> 00:29:39.289
And he said, you are behaving really badly.
664
00:29:39.309 --> 00:29:39.890
Yeah.
665
00:29:43.740 --> 00:29:45.440
They went up to their rooms and then I had
666
00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:46.079
to call them.
667
00:29:46.019 --> 00:29:49.410
Down and I sat down and I said listen sometimes
668
00:29:49.470 --> 00:29:53.970
like thunderstorms happen in my head and I can't normally
669
00:29:54.029 --> 00:29:55.670
I'd go out the house or I'd go up to
670
00:29:55.730 --> 00:29:59.630
my room or whatever but there's I I behaved very badly.
671
00:29:59.789 --> 00:30:01.390
And of course I went out the next day and
672
00:30:01.410 --> 00:30:03.410
I bought another box of milk tray that we all
673
00:30:03.509 --> 00:30:04.329
quietly ate.
674
00:30:04.430 --> 00:30:10.750
None of us enjoying it. And it's just sort.
675
00:30:11.160 --> 00:30:14.059
Of, yeah, the milk tray incident was bad. And that's
676
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:17.180
when I thought, right, I need to meditate. I need to,
677
00:30:17.500 --> 00:30:20.579
you know, look after my head.
678
00:30:23.569 --> 00:30:27.000
And finally. Playing us out this episode is Alex Brooker
679
00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:30.279
with the pros and cons of parenting with a disability.
680
00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:34.640
Today, it's been a big parenting day for me this morning.
681
00:30:35.559 --> 00:30:37.779
She's noticed my hand for the first time. It's the
682
00:30:37.819 --> 00:30:40.799
first ever time my eldest has opened it today. And
683
00:30:40.859 --> 00:30:44.000
she was kind of like, she was going, Daddy, you've
684
00:30:44.039 --> 00:30:47.440
only got two fingers. And I really want, like, technically
685
00:30:47.480 --> 00:30:49.269
it's three, but two are stuck together, but it's fine
686
00:30:49.309 --> 00:30:52.680
if you want to call it two. LAUGHTER But it's
687
00:30:52.700 --> 00:30:55.880
the first time, and, like, it's one of those things where,
688
00:30:55.900 --> 00:30:59.400
you know, like, obviously for me, when I first went to, like,
689
00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:00.819
started thinking about having kids.
690
00:31:01.420 --> 00:31:02.789
It was, like, a really big thing. It was, like,
691
00:31:02.809 --> 00:31:04.150
I wonder how they're going to find it.
692
00:31:04.509 --> 00:31:05.289
She didn't give a shit.
693
00:31:05.390 --> 00:31:06.049
It was, like.
694
00:31:06.130 --> 00:31:08.950
Yeah. Obviously, the youngest was the one that weren't having
695
00:31:08.990 --> 00:31:11.029
it because she let go of me and then ended
696
00:31:11.089 --> 00:31:14.920
up Facebooking me. And I feel like the eldest has
697
00:31:14.980 --> 00:31:17.960
seen that and thought, Yeah, it's not an ideal hand
698
00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:23.599
to hold, but it's better than nothing. I remember we first,
699
00:31:24.329 --> 00:31:26.329
when Mia was like a day old, I kind of
700
00:31:26.930 --> 00:31:29.730
went and met one of my mates at the pub
701
00:31:30.210 --> 00:31:34.150
quickly at lunchtime. And I was like, how are you
702
00:31:34.170 --> 00:31:35.869
finding it? And I was like, mate, I just keep
703
00:31:35.890 --> 00:31:37.869
thinking I'm going to drop it. And he was like, well,
704
00:31:37.890 --> 00:31:39.789
everyone thinks that, doesn't they? What's the worst that can
705
00:31:39.829 --> 00:31:41.900
happen as soon as you have a new kid is
706
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:42.640
you drop it.
707
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:44.400
And that's like literally.
708
00:31:43.960 --> 00:31:47.160
Everyone kind of worries about whether you've got big like
709
00:31:47.180 --> 00:31:49.240
i'm sure david seaman worried about it do you know
710
00:31:49.259 --> 00:31:51.180
what i mean it's like he was worried about.
711
00:31:51.079 --> 00:31:53.339
Being lobbed he was worried about the baby going over
712
00:31:53.359 --> 00:31:53.960
his head.
713
00:31:55.720 --> 00:31:57.910
I used to have that really weird nightmares i was
714
00:31:58.029 --> 00:32:00.730
holding the baby and then rolled over it while i
715
00:32:00.750 --> 00:32:02.769
was asleep and slept on top of it and then
716
00:32:02.910 --> 00:32:04.730
i'd wake up in the night and the baby's in
717
00:32:04.750 --> 00:32:06.369
the cot and i was nowhere near it but these
718
00:32:06.730 --> 00:32:08.630
mad dreams everyone feels the same.
719
00:32:08.549 --> 00:32:10.359
They do and like i was do you know what
720
00:32:10.380 --> 00:32:12.869
it was As I said, the eldest, I feel like
721
00:32:12.910 --> 00:32:16.049
we're really making progress at the moment. She's got over
722
00:32:16.069 --> 00:32:19.430
the hand thing very quickly. I was surprised that was absolutely,
723
00:32:19.450 --> 00:32:21.599
you know, 20 years of my life worrying about nothing.
724
00:32:21.799 --> 00:32:27.319
But then, do you know what? As I said, it's
725
00:32:27.359 --> 00:32:30.359
quite a big thing for me today, that. It's one
726
00:32:30.420 --> 00:32:33.490
of those things that, well, I'll probably think about it.
727
00:32:33.930 --> 00:32:36.490
a bit more like later on. But yeah, it was like,
728
00:32:36.829 --> 00:32:40.539
I was genuinely up until today, like really properly worried.
729
00:32:40.559 --> 00:32:43.519
And also I have thought to myself more recently, it's like,
730
00:32:43.539 --> 00:32:44.660
you're nearly three and a half.
731
00:32:45.119 --> 00:32:46.019
You should have noticed.
732
00:32:46.039 --> 00:32:46.960
You can count now.
733
00:32:47.019 --> 00:32:47.680
We've done a lot.
734
00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:51.039
How many times have I sat you in front of
735
00:32:51.079 --> 00:32:53.339
the iPad and just put like the count in YouTube
736
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:53.900
video on?
737
00:32:54.180 --> 00:32:55.180
Does she notice the lag?
738
00:32:55.529 --> 00:32:57.009
Oh mate, they love the legs.
739
00:32:57.950 --> 00:33:00.750
Three different ones, haven't I? So today I had my
740
00:33:00.769 --> 00:33:02.000
blue waterproof on.
741
00:33:02.920 --> 00:33:05.180
I was going to say that. In a stream, there
742
00:33:05.200 --> 00:33:07.279
must be a rust risk. But if you've got a
743
00:33:07.279 --> 00:33:08.740
waterproof one. Do you know what?
744
00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:11.900
When I did that swim last year, they gave me
745
00:33:11.980 --> 00:33:13.519
one for getting in and out the water. So it's
746
00:33:13.559 --> 00:33:17.190
basically wood, which isn't the most flexible thing. But it
747
00:33:17.230 --> 00:33:18.670
is literally, for the first time, I've got like a
748
00:33:18.690 --> 00:33:19.210
wooden leg.
749
00:33:21.269 --> 00:33:23.609
So it's not like you imagine. It's not like a pirate.
750
00:33:23.630 --> 00:33:24.910
It does have like a foot on it.
751
00:33:26.529 --> 00:33:28.029
They got you a parrot as well, which is a
752
00:33:28.049 --> 00:33:31.269
bit insensitive.
753
00:33:31.289 --> 00:33:32.349
You were on the feet.
754
00:33:32.839 --> 00:33:36.640
Yeah, she's obsessed because it's, like, really colourful and blue
755
00:33:36.680 --> 00:33:39.279
and that, and she just, like, calls it Daddy's Blue Leg.
756
00:33:39.720 --> 00:33:42.880
I've taught her now to put my leg on sometimes.
757
00:33:42.900 --> 00:33:45.279
When I'm, like, slobbed out on the couch and I've
758
00:33:45.299 --> 00:33:48.019
got my leg off, I've, like, started to teach them.
759
00:33:48.079 --> 00:33:50.160
It took me a little while with my eldest, but
760
00:33:50.660 --> 00:33:53.900
I've taught her to, like, what, like, different bits go together.
761
00:33:53.980 --> 00:33:56.380
To her, I think it's, like, a big bit of duplo.
762
00:33:56.420 --> 00:33:56.519
Yeah.
763
00:33:57.279 --> 00:33:57.539
Yeah.
764
00:33:58.660 --> 00:34:01.170
You are really like a big bit of Duplo. That's
765
00:34:01.250 --> 00:34:03.509
how I view you.
766
00:34:04.309 --> 00:34:05.690
Yeah, best for under fours.
767
00:34:08.170 --> 00:34:11.670
Alex, has your disability stopped you doing anything as a
768
00:34:11.690 --> 00:34:13.750
parent that you would have wanted to do?
769
00:34:13.889 --> 00:34:18.150
The one thing which I'm still always, in the grand
770
00:34:18.170 --> 00:34:20.909
scheme of things, this isn't a big thing, but the
771
00:34:21.010 --> 00:34:23.869
one thing I'm always slightly wary of is, you know
772
00:34:23.929 --> 00:34:26.650
when you have parents and they have their kids on
773
00:34:26.670 --> 00:34:32.329
their shoulders? or something like that. We're not delving into that.
774
00:34:32.449 --> 00:34:37.280
We've given it a little go on the sofa. And
775
00:34:37.320 --> 00:34:40.500
you just go, the juice isn't worth the squeeze.
776
00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:40.699
For either of you.
777
00:34:41.760 --> 00:34:45.840
I'll be honest, Alex, I've got all the necessary limbs
778
00:34:45.900 --> 00:34:48.360
to do that and it's still an absolute nightmare and
779
00:34:48.380 --> 00:34:51.900
they launch themselves off and I've lost both my kids
780
00:34:51.960 --> 00:34:55.539
to terrible shoulder accidents in the past, so it's probably
781
00:34:55.559 --> 00:34:56.039
best left.
782
00:34:56.780 --> 00:34:58.219
We gave it a little go and I just said
783
00:34:58.239 --> 00:35:00.679
to her, just make sure you hold on to daddy's
784
00:35:00.739 --> 00:35:03.300
neck and I don't think she quite realises how important
785
00:35:03.320 --> 00:35:05.380
that bit of it is because I'm not really holding
786
00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:09.320
on to her. She's carrying everything for us and straight
787
00:35:09.940 --> 00:35:12.289
away we did it on the sofa. He just fell
788
00:35:12.329 --> 00:35:14.210
backwards on the sofa. I was like, do you know what? Well,
789
00:35:14.670 --> 00:35:17.460
why don't we just walk away? Let's give it something else.
790
00:35:18.039 --> 00:35:20.719
But do you know what? That's pretty much, if I'm
791
00:35:20.960 --> 00:35:24.699
being honest, the only thing that I've not really done.
792
00:35:24.719 --> 00:35:28.550
On the flip side, Alex, has your disability enabled you
793
00:35:28.570 --> 00:35:30.409
to get out of doing other things that is a
794
00:35:30.409 --> 00:35:32.809
bit of a relief? Do you ever play it up
795
00:35:32.869 --> 00:35:35.789
so you go, actually, I don't think I can do this.
796
00:35:35.710 --> 00:35:36.590
Because, you know, the old.
797
00:35:37.090 --> 00:35:39.619
Hand and leg situations probably best you do it have
798
00:35:39.639 --> 00:35:40.320
you ever.
799
00:35:40.199 --> 00:35:43.460
Got out of anything with that honestly if you ask
800
00:35:43.480 --> 00:35:47.420
my wife it is literally every single week i'll use
801
00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:51.599
it like my leg takes i reckon about three seconds
802
00:35:51.659 --> 00:35:54.440
to put on and the amount of times when like
803
00:35:54.480 --> 00:35:56.980
something will be happening i'll be like yeah but i
804
00:35:56.980 --> 00:35:58.519
ain't got my leg on have i as if.
805
00:35:58.500 --> 00:36:00.800
It's like like and it's just.
806
00:36:04.300 --> 00:36:06.559
That's like the ultimate excuse and she'll be like, well, yeah,
807
00:36:06.579 --> 00:36:07.969
but you can go and put it on, can't you?
808
00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:11.099
And it's like, well, yeah, but you're up and yeah,
809
00:36:11.300 --> 00:36:12.460
so you've got both your legs on.
810
00:36:19.380 --> 00:36:21.960
Thanks for listening. We'll see you again soon. For now,
811
00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:26.099
that's what I call Parenting Hell, Volume 2.
812
00:36:29.369 --> 00:36:30.550
Hello, Tom Allen here.
813
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:31.820
And Susie Ruffle.
814
00:36:32.099 --> 00:36:35.079
We have a podcast called Like-Minded Friends. It's very much
815
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:37.420
a celebration of, I don't know, what would you say, Suze,
816
00:36:37.440 --> 00:36:38.039
being queer?
817
00:36:38.239 --> 00:36:39.340
Being queer, but also chit-chat.
818
00:36:39.360 --> 00:36:41.179
There's loads of straight people that love it, so I
819
00:36:41.199 --> 00:36:42.460
think that you should come along and listen to it.
820
00:36:42.619 --> 00:36:45.260
There's something for everybody. It's been described as white noise
821
00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:47.860
for gays, but also we had a lovely section about
822
00:36:47.909 --> 00:36:48.619
Glade plug-ins.
823
00:36:50.369 --> 00:36:52.690
So why don't you listen to it? Search Like-Minded Friends
824
00:36:52.730 --> 00:36:55.690
wherever you get your podcasts. That sounded quite professional, didn't it?
825
00:36:55.969 --> 00:36:56.039
Mm.
826
00:36:59.610 --> 00:37:00.679
Hello, I'm Tom Crane.
827
00:37:00.860 --> 00:37:03.159
And I'm Simran Shah. And we're the hosts of the
828
00:37:03.239 --> 00:37:06.820
new food and comedy podcast, My Favourite Takeaway, where each
829
00:37:06.860 --> 00:37:09.280
week we're invited into the home of a celebrity guest
830
00:37:09.500 --> 00:37:12.840
to share their favourite takeaway exactly as they'd normally have it.
831
00:37:12.960 --> 00:37:15.780
We'll be trying it all from Peruvian street food slouched
832
00:37:15.820 --> 00:37:17.440
on James Acaster's L-shaped sofa.
833
00:37:17.579 --> 00:37:20.559
To an Antiguan feast huddled around Andy Oliver's dinner table.
834
00:37:20.820 --> 00:37:23.699
Via an alfresco Indian takeaway sat in Tom Allen's garden.
835
00:37:23.840 --> 00:37:25.059
And we also want to hear from.
836
00:37:24.969 --> 00:37:25.530
You, the listener.
837
00:37:25.730 --> 00:37:27.150
Your takeaway disasters.
838
00:37:27.329 --> 00:37:28.230
Your weird habits.
839
00:37:28.489 --> 00:37:32.510
And your personal takeaway recommendations. You can follow us on Insta,
840
00:37:32.849 --> 00:37:34.230
My Favourite Takeaway Podcast.
841
00:37:34.449 --> 00:37:36.150
On Twitter, at favetakeawaypod.
842
00:37:36.329 --> 00:37:40.320
Or you can email us, hello, at myfavouritetakewaypodcast.com. And don't
843
00:37:40.360 --> 00:37:42.320
forget to subscribe, like and share.
844
00:37:42.559 --> 00:37:45.500
My Favourite Takeaway, the podcast for anyone who loves food
845
00:37:45.579 --> 00:37:46.739
but can't always be bothered.
846
00:37:46.559 --> 00:37:46.869
To cook it.
847
00:37:47.119 --> 00:37:49.380
Available on all podcast platforms now.
848
00:37:53.639 --> 00:37:55.940
Hello, I'm John Richardson and I'm here to tell you
849
00:37:55.980 --> 00:37:59.260
about the Comedians Playing Fantasy Premier League podcast.
850
00:37:59.559 --> 00:38:01.420
I'm Matt Ford and I'm here to tell you that
851
00:38:01.480 --> 00:38:04.539
although our podcast is about Fantasy Premier League, it's not
852
00:38:04.579 --> 00:38:06.380
just for saddos, losers and virgins.
853
00:38:06.599 --> 00:38:09.369
Yeah, it's for cool people like us and you. You're
854
00:38:09.389 --> 00:38:11.110
listening to this, so you must be cool.
855
00:38:11.570 --> 00:38:13.449
Each week we follow the highs and lows of the
856
00:38:13.489 --> 00:38:16.409
fantasy football teams of some of the country's funniest people.
857
00:38:16.789 --> 00:38:18.590
The great thing is, you don't really need to be
858
00:38:18.610 --> 00:38:21.179
into Fantasy Premier League or even football to enjoy it.
859
00:38:21.469 --> 00:38:24.130
That's because each week Matt and I compete with each other,
860
00:38:24.250 --> 00:38:27.050
the lowest scorer in FPL having to do a humiliating
861
00:38:27.110 --> 00:38:30.530
forfeit each week. Spoiler alert, every week so far, it's
862
00:38:30.570 --> 00:38:31.170
been Matthew.
863
00:38:31.190 --> 00:38:33.329
I'll be honest, it's not the start I'd hoped for.
864
00:38:33.510 --> 00:38:35.949
Already I've had to do a humiliating chilli challenge and
865
00:38:35.989 --> 00:38:37.510
try to have a pint with a duck, but it
866
00:38:37.610 --> 00:38:38.139
swam off.
867
00:38:38.760 --> 00:38:41.199
Even ducks don't want to be near Matt Ford. Over
868
00:38:41.219 --> 00:38:43.139
the course of the season, we'll be joined by comedians
869
00:38:43.159 --> 00:38:46.730
such as Russell Howard, Romesh Ranganathan, Maisie Adam, Josh Widdicombe,
870
00:38:46.789 --> 00:38:49.969
Jason Manford, Emily Dean, Rob Beckett and Ian Sterling.
871
00:38:50.190 --> 00:38:50.929
So don't delay.
872
00:38:51.050 --> 00:38:53.570
Pick up your phone and subscribe to the Comedians Playing
873
00:38:53.630 --> 00:38:57.019
Fantasy Premier League podcast now. New episodes are released every
874
00:38:57.059 --> 00:38:58.579
Wednesday until the end of the season.
875
00:39:02.480 --> 00:39:03.739
Hello, I'm Sean Walsh.
876
00:39:03.900 --> 00:39:04.880
And I'm Paul McCaffrey.
877
00:39:05.039 --> 00:39:07.380
And we're here to tell you that our podcast, What's
878
00:39:07.440 --> 00:39:10.119
Upset You Now, is back for a brand new series.
879
00:39:10.199 --> 00:39:11.179
Now, I know what you're thinking.
880
00:39:11.420 --> 00:39:14.429
Do I have time in my life for another comedian-hosted
881
00:39:14.469 --> 00:39:16.210
podcast with my busy schedule?
882
00:39:16.250 --> 00:39:18.010
Well, in most cases, no.
883
00:39:18.210 --> 00:39:19.989
But here's why What's Upset You Now is different.
884
00:39:20.309 --> 00:39:23.690
Each week, we ask ourselves and a guest, what's upset
885
00:39:23.710 --> 00:39:26.889
you now? And we spend exactly 15 minutes discussing and
886
00:39:26.949 --> 00:39:29.809
ranting about the frustrations and idiocies of everyday life.
887
00:39:30.400 --> 00:39:34.000
Anything from a bus driver wanting the exact change.
888
00:39:34.079 --> 00:39:36.039
To those people doing yoga in the park.
889
00:39:36.280 --> 00:39:38.880
And quite often, just simply each other.
890
00:39:39.099 --> 00:39:41.980
Yeah, it's basically anything and everyone.
891
00:39:42.380 --> 00:39:44.659
It's the podcast equivalent of being in the pub with
892
00:39:44.679 --> 00:39:46.869
your two funny mates, putting the world to rights.
893
00:39:47.130 --> 00:39:49.610
Yeah, at 2am, so do expect shouting.
894
00:39:49.849 --> 00:39:54.230
Listen to What's Upset You Now, available on all podcast platforms.