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The following podcast is part of the Mind, Body, Spirit
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dot FM podcast network.
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Hello and welcome to Back in Control Radio with Doctor
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David Hanscombe.
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Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of Back in
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Control Radio with Doctor David Hanscomb. I'm your host, Tom Masters,
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and our guest today is Robert Paris. He's a master neuroplastician,
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founding fellow of the Institute for Applied and Organizational Neuroscience,
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author and leadership coach. He's the creator of the renew
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Process and author of the book You Versus Your Brain,
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Reclaiming Your Identity. For more than thirty years, Robert has
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helped leaders, teams, and individuals understand how the brain shapes
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their thoughts, emotions and behaviors, and how to create lasting
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change through neuroplasticity. His work focuses on helping people reclaim
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control of their minds, reduce suffering, and live more authentically.
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Welcome, Thank you, Tom. I like to reintroduce Robert Harris.
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He's a friend of mine who lives in Montreal. He
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is a master neuroplastician. I met him at a meeting
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in Montreal many years ago. I don't even remember what
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year that was, but it has been a while, and
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he's a leadership coach. He works on the principles of neuroplasticity.
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It helped change the brain, and he's focused in many
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different areas of life, but right now he's main focused
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as leadership. He recently wrote a book called what is
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It Again?
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Robert versus Your Brain Reclaiming Your Identity Right.
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It's an entertaining book. I really enjoyed it. He also
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has a process called renew RNEWL Capital Letters, which will
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access at the end of the process here at end
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of the podcast. Bay. He does a lot of good work.
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He and I. He and I probably as much on
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the same page as anyboy I've ever worked with, and
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we're speaking the same language. But anyways, a matter of
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understanding the brain. What do you point? On the first podcast,
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and the first thing he does is people's help understand
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how the brain works. You start depersalizing things like anxiety
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and frustration, realize what's happening in your brain when those occur.
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And then he talked about forty off types of leadership
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with self leadership, one on one, team leadership, and organizational leadership.
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And we talked about the self leadership, which I think
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will stay on today because that's why we're here as
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people's own leadership of their own lives. So we I'm
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excited about what you do. I didn't. I sort of
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didn't really comprehend until to day how much you actually
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do do and how parallel we are in our journeys.
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So I like to start with the story of somebody
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comes to you that you work with, and what they
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came in like and how they end up leaving, and
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what are the long term effects of what your work
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is great? Briefly reviewed the renewed process.
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In what you do absolutely great, and again as a neuroplastician,
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we focus in on we want to get results people
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actually change behavior. So this goes back a few years.
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There was a Chinese gentleman who was a middle manager
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in an organization and he didn't have a good he
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reported to the president, didn't have a good relationship and
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the people around him were very uncomfortable with him. So
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he came to me, and at first he was skeptical
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and going through my ten week or ten session renewed process,
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and I educated him a little about the brain and
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started to tell his story. Let's call him Lee, so
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I protect his anonymity. Lee when he was young, was
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brought up in China and his parents were high up
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on the Communist Party list. So he was taught when
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you go to school, be careful what you say to
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your teacher, the authority figure, because one bad word can
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get us in trouble with the Communist Party. Was also
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told don't say much to your kids. That the kids
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were friends around you for the same reason, and that's
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how we grew up. Then, at age twelve, his mom
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got booted out of the house, right because she wasn't
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conforming to communist ideology if.
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You will anyways, his mother, yeah, yeah, and his.
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Mother by his dad, right.
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Because he wasn't conforming, so he kicked her out.
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Yeah yeah, he was to that degree, and so he was.
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He finally he came to Canada and he kind of escaped,
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learned English and he held a series of jobs. And
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this guy is brilliant, absolutely brilliant, but he couldn't hold
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onto a job. Comes to my client who recognizes his brilliance,
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but again, not getting along with his boss, the president
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or others, that was a problem. So he told his
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story that I just told you, and all of a
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sudden he started to understand the reason he doesn't have
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a good relationship with the president is subconsciously emedied, is
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buried in his brain. Is that a fear of authority?
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The Communist Party? Now it's the president, and don't tell
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anything to your kids now gets translated and don't tell
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anything to your co workers. So we worked on that
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and we helped develop a script to develop new brain
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wiring so that when he's in those situations he now
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interacts with the president and interacts with his co workers.
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And that's exactly what he started to do. And he
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went from a situation where he may have been fired
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from the company to act within a short time after
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getting promoted. And that's what we say. We consistently try
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to help people unblocked present their true identity so that
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they proceed in a way which is better serving themselves
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and people around them.
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Well, that's a great story and also a very disturbing story,
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but it's also sort of an extreme example of what
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most of us do every day. We have who we are.
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We have different patterns and things about ourselves that we're
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not necessarily proud of. But this our behaviors, maybe some
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an addictions, substance abuse, repetitive behaviors or whatever, and then
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we spend a lot of energy putting on this front
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or facade I call it to the world that you know,
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this is who I am, is the facade, but it's
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actually not who you are. The problem takes a tremendous
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amount of energy to build it in the first place.
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And the cognitive construct, compared to your zoological brain, your brain,
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as you know, uses about twenty to twenty five percent
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of your entire body's energy. And if you spend a
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lot of time in cognition try and conversate for the
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unconscious responses, it's a big problem. So my observation is
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that healing starts and actually ends with connection, just connecting
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to what is, and a lot of it's not very pleasant.
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And then the real healing incurs the creativity. We actually
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develop the brain that you want. And as we talked
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about it, the ID like to well, we'll get to
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that in a second. So that's about the connection part
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of it. And this is a really clear example is okay,
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raise as a kid and you have all these different
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emotions and feelings and you really aren't allowed to express
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anything to anybody at a level that I've never even
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thought about. But right in those days, I'm assuming you
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could go to jail, go to exile. All sorts of
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things can happen just with this slip of the word.
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So talking about being hyper vigilant, not having your brain
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function optimally, that's an unbelievable story.
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Yes, yeah, no, I mean it really is, David, And
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you said something that really struck with me. That a
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lot of because I deal with a lot of C
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suite executives and I found that they're in the business
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world and sports is no different. You're brought up in
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such a way is not to be vulnerable, not to
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express emotion, and so you know, these athletes are these
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business people are in a world where they're constantly suppressing
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their emotion, which we know takes enormous cognitive energy on
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part of the brain and absolutely drains them. And plus
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there's a message again to be vulnerable is a sign
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of weakness. So part of the messaging I have and
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both in the business and sports world, is that that's
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absolutely not true. Ninety five percent of neuroactivity is actually
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emotional and for you to break free and actually tell
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your authentic story to the world, which is absolutely huge,
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it kind of you're unloading stuff from your brain, but
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at the same time you're presenting the true self to
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the world that people start to connect with you. You mentioned
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that connection and that people learn to be vulnerable, but
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I understand it's very difficult. You and I David have
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talked about that, that it's not natural for the human
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brain to be vulnerable because that's a threat to survival.
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So it's actually very difficult for some of these business
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executives and athletes to get there, to overcome these false
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messages in their brain to tell their true story. But
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those that do say it's the most liberating thing that
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they've ever done.
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Oh, it's huge. I mean, that's exactly why I put
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my practice because when you just connect with whatever, which
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include your bodies opacity to heal, it really is a miracle.
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I mean life is a miracle. Healing to a miracle,
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and orthopedics. If broken bones didn't heal, what would we do,
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if skin cunstant heal, what would we do? So the
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body knows how to heal if we just let it,
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and this cognitive energy we use to try to maintain
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this you know I call a facade or this you know,
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shield of armor that we put on. It just wears
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you right down. And plus it knocks down creativity because
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the blood supply to your creative brain is marketly compromised.
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But I just wanted to emphasize one point that we
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do know what is called the type see coping style
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that suppressed emotions actually cause more havoca and disease in
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your body than expressed And so would think people pleasing
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is a trait, Well, it's an active safety so you
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don't get in trouble and you're really repressing your needs
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in a big way. So your story really is illustrates
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that the level I just had not even heard of
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it now, about repressing everything just to stay alive. Why
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there you go. The other thing that strikes me I'd
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like you to comment on this is that if you're
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vulnerable in the wild, too vulnerable in the wild, even
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vulnerable physically, you just don't survive. And with humans it's
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the same thing physically, if you're in the wrong spot,
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wrong place, wrong time, you won't physically survive. The problem
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with thoughts and concepts and beliefs, the brain can't tell
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the difference between a mental threat and a physical threat,
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and so we're always on the defense against all these
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mental threats. Somebody to insults you, they don't treat you well,
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and we're always on defense for that. But yet being
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vulnerable is at the core of all successful human relationships.
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So we have a huge problem is that our survival
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brain says, don't be vulnerable. The conscious brain, which ones
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meaning to light, is with vulnerability. And that's what I'm
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impressed with your process is that you're teaching people how
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to tell their story. You're stripping off the layers you
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get to be who you are, and you spend trying
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to be a certain way for other people's needs, even
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your own needs. You want your self image to look good,
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you want you to look at other people, you project
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them back and forth. But yeah, it's an incredible relief
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just to let it go.
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Yeah, David, and time and time again. And I've worked
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my process on lots of people. So we bring people
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to tell their story, particularly in childhood, and a lot
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of people feel shame right when they think back to
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those days. But part of the whole messaging here. When
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you're three, four five, and let's say mom and dad
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are arguing about finances, there's matteral difficults difficulties. Mom and
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dad aren't attending basketball practice or pianel recital to a
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three or four or five year old. Those are actually
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threats to one safety, right, So we start developing these
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messages as well, I'm not worthy of love and all
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of this stuff, and that carries over into adulthood. So
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when I get people to tell their stories and I
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reflect on that, part of the messaging is show compassion
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towards yourself. Because when you're three or four five, you
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had no control over who your parents were or what
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your environment was. You were just at their mercy of
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your environment and your parents, right, So your brain becomes
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wired in such a way. But you don't have to
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buy into that as an adult. So when you think
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back to those years, don't feel shame. Look at yourself
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with a tremendous amount of compassion. Look what you went
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through just as a young child. That carried over into
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adolescent years. And now you have a position, let's say
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in a company or in a hospital, or in a
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school or whatever that you've actually made it. You're actually
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the hero of your own story. So look back at
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yourself with compassion and understand the great things that you've
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done in your life, which is what leadership is all about,
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overcoming obstacles, right, And we could look at like in
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movies and books, others who have overcome obstacles know so
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a view and in telling stories that individual gets in
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touch with that and that becomes part of their growth
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as leaders. That Wow, now I don't have to listen
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to others. I can really present my true identity, tell
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my story to the world and feel proud of it.
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And if they reject you, it's not your problem, that's
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their problem, right, Yes, I mean why do I need
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your approval to actually live my life the way I
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think I need to feel it? Becaurse That's what ego's about,
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is that your egos at the mercy of other people's opinions,
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and you're rejected, you feel bad, get accepted, you feel good.
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So egos are very fragile and actually just the core
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part of who you are. You don't actually need an
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ego to survive this planet. And so one of the
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concepts in my book is, you know, actually softening the
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ego because I don't like it when you think bad
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there for me. But why would that change? Why do
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I need to live my life under your supervision? But
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I want to jump to the bigger part of the
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story I think, which is their plasticity. Is that we
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mentioned this at the break a little bit, but it's
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hit me really hard. I have people read this book
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called The Talent Code. We've talked about this.
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Book, right we have?
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Yeah, have you read that book? By chance?
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Yeah? I think it's by Dan Coyle. Yeah.
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It is remarkable about how athletes, artists and musicians learn skills,
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and it's deep learning, master coaching and repetition. And again
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you're programming, programming, programming, and then people don't like adversity.
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They get upset. Yeah, yep. My golf instructor who is
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also performance coach, asks people, what's the part about golf
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you like? And it's the challenge. Yet when they have
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a bad lie or get stuck in a sandtrap, they
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get angry. So life without adversity is boring. Nobody likes
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to sit around. So again, healing ocurs and safety and
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it breaks down a constant threat. So safety is being
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safety in a physical safe spot, but safety is also
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having the tools actually defend yourself and so taking on
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those challenges. So what happens to people they have adversity,
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they get angry about it instead of looking at it,
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instead of embracing audiversity. Okay, here's another adversity. I'm going
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to practice my tools to get through it as quick
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as I can. But as you know, avoiding pain and
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avoiding adversity had you right the wrong direction. So I'll
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finish my little two cents with saying that healing occurs
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with action towards what you want. You're bringing in new data,
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if you want to analyze the old data, you're just
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during the same pot and reinforce in the circus the
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wrong direction. So I just like to jump into your
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way of I know it's simplification, but really developing a
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new brain instead of trying to fix the old one.
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Yes, yeah, And as I said, and I like to
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answer in a way in terms of my own story
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because I had a very overbearing dad and grew up
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with total lack of self confidence. So how do I
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react as a as a kid and as an adolescent.
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While I engaged in people pleasing, I became the party clown. Right,
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I'd be at a party, I'm the guy everybody was
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laughing at. I thought that was great. I became a
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control freak of perfectionist all the coping mechanisms that are
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used until I got married and my wife said she
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saw me at a party and said, what was that? Said,
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you look like an idiot. I said, what are you
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talking about? People were laughing, and she made me understand, No,
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they weren't laughing with you, they were laughing at you.
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And so that changed me a little bit. And then
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I started getting involved in leadership development and learning about
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the brain and understanding that these were all coping mechanisms
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that I was like using, and so in terms of
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the tools for me, I educated myself how my brain worked,
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and I started saying I learned about neuroplasticity, and I'm
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starting saying I started to tell myself, tell yourself a
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different story, and keep repeating it that no, you are great,
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You're not a victim of what happened. You're responsible for
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your own actions moving forward. And so I told myself
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a tale that no, I've been successful. I do have
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the right stuff, values and principles, and I hardwired that
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into my brain to the point today I don't have
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to be that party clown or the people pleaser or
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the perfectionist or listen to other people to tell me
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who I should be I could be my self, and
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I feel one hundred percent better as a result of it.
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Yeah, you just encapsulated the entire process in about two
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sentences there. I mean that was a remarkable statement. But yeah,
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you get connected to who you are and you the
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label start dropping off and you just start moving forward.
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And one metaphor I uses that of a snowplow and
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a giant blizzard as you connect it. Every minute of
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your life in a safe manner, whether you have to
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defend yourself or whether you actually feel safe, is like
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as you push forward, you literally, instead of fighting the obstacles,
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you push them out of the way. And I'm thinking
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it's particularly a repetitive thought patterns. Yet instead of fighting
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the thought, you just simply move forward on your terms
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and you literally push the adversity out of the way.
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Yes, and I think again getting back to leadership, that's
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a really important leadership ONCET because people when you're yourself
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and you're telling your real story, people see that they
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connect with you. You're telling your story, You're a human being,
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you make mistakes, we all do. People connect to that
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as opposed to the person who has the mask and
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armor on who's no line perfect. I never admit mistakes.
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We don't connect to that. So it's so important as
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leaders that we connect to our stories were on top
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of it. We use the tools right to overcome whatever
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deceptive brain messages we have and move forward with a
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lot of pride and courage to be our real selves.
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That's what people connect to, and that's what leadership is
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all about.
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Yeah, I've gone through an interesting phase personally based on
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what you've been teaching me. Also, whereas you know, I
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mean this process of thirty five years of just being
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off my feet completely gradually learning, gradually learning more more
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about why things happen, getting much better at helping other
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people get better. But it also became sort of a
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crusader that this is the answer, this, this and this,
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and I became talking head and a way, and I
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get disconnected a bit from what I'm actually doing compared
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to the messaging. So I get identified with this messaging
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and I'll see over the last six months, I'm just
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gonna say I'm done with that. My only goal now
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is to become more of what I'm trying other people
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to become. I just want to I just don't want
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to do this. You know I can help you out.
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I've got the best thing since I spread. I want
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people to heal. But I can only do so much.
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But for me personally, being more connected to who I am,
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why do what I do. I'm going back through some
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counseling myself to really work on this and just being
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more and more connected has made so much difference in
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my life as far as peace and Tommy, you'll be
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interested in this little part of the thing. I was
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at a party the other day. I met a person
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who employs two of my friends. He's a businessman, really
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good guy, and he called me a couple of nights ago.
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He said, I watched you at the party and says,
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he said, you're pretty what And I always shocked because
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you know, I don't have a sense, actually I do
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sense of difference. I didn't know that people could actually
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notice that. That might be the first time in my
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life I've heard everything that I'm calm, But your leadership
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is being calm and connected and making good decisions that
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are rational and moving forward to the strong foundation. And
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I'm feeling it and I'm excited about that.
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Yeah, and it should and again, I take a look
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at you David, And I mean, I think your work
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is so important and so brilliant, and one of the
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things I do and I encourage you to do, is think,
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no matter what our objectives are, how many people over
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the years have you helped. We often don't think about that,
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and sometimes it's one on one. Sometimes I know you
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work with groups or whatever, but my God, to be
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in a profession where you get people to in touch
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with who they are, to overcome major obstacles and pain
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that they feel in their lives, to somewhat to a
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point when they're being their true selves and what you know,
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it's just when we think about the people that we help,
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and I know you have so many people through your work,
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through your books and the whole bit. I think that's
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absolutely awesome that we're in a profession that we can
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help people that way, and I take great pride in that.
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I think you do as well. And at the end
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of the day, that's why we do what we.
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Do right exactly or Robert again, it's always a pleasure
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talking to you, and I feel like we have a
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few more podcasts to do because we didn't really get
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to touch on the guts of actually how you allow
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this transformation to occur. There's lots of details here, but again,
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you have your new book in the renewed process, and
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could you remind the audience again how to access your
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services and also remind us of the book.
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Yes, I'm again that smile and leaders com M Y
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E L I N Leadership dot com have access to
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my site, all the resources there, testimonials on my renewed
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process and information about it, and you can purchase my
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book you versus your brain reclaiming your identity, all the
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informations on the site, or you can go to Amazon.
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And the renew process is an online process.
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Right, yes, yeah, and.
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That's great because your approach is unique. But of course
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you're only one person, so getting this online is a
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big deal. I mean my feeling and I know you
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feel the same way that we each have our own
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version of sort of we each have our own version
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of doing the same thing, and it's going to take
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a village to create meaningful change on a widespread basis.
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And you're right. All we can do is what we
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can do in our own sphere and collaborate and just
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keep pushing forward. So I really appreciate your support, interest
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your efforts and and you know you're doing great work.
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So I really appreciate your time today.
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Thanks David. And you've been kind of a mentor towards me.
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I've learned so much from you as well. I just
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want to thank you because it's helped me become who
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I am.
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Great. Well, thank you.
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I'd like to thank our guest Robert Paris for being
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on the show today and explaining the principles of his
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coaching process and how it helps people embrace vulnerability, develop
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self compassion, and connect with others. I'm your host, Tom Masters,
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reminding you to be back next week for another episode
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of Back in Control Radio with Doctor David Hanscombe, and
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in the meantime, be sure to visit the website at
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www dot back in control dot com.
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Thanks for listening today and join us next week for
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Back in Control Readium
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The following podcast is part of the Mind, Body, Spirit
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dot FM podcast network.
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Hello and welcome to Back in Control Radio with Doctor
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David Hanscombe.
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Hello everybody, and welcome to another episode of Back in
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Control Radio with Doctor David Hanscomb. I'm your host, Tom Masters,
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and our guest today is Robert Paris. He's a master neuroplastician,
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founding fellow of the Institute for Applied and Organizational Neuroscience,
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author and leadership coach. He's the creator of the renew
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Process and author of the book You Versus Your Brain,
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Reclaiming Your Identity. For more than thirty years, Robert has
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helped leaders, teams, and individuals understand how the brain shapes
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their thoughts, emotions and behaviors, and how to create lasting
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change through neuroplasticity. His work focuses on helping people reclaim
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control of their minds, reduce suffering, and live more authentically.
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Welcome, Thank you, Tom. I like to reintroduce Robert Harris.
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He's a friend of mine who lives in Montreal. He
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is a master neuroplastician. I met him at a meeting
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in Montreal many years ago. I don't even remember what
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year that was, but it has been a while, and
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he's a leadership coach. He works on the principles of neuroplasticity.
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It helped change the brain, and he's focused in many
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different areas of life, but right now he's main focused
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as leadership. He recently wrote a book called what is
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It Again?
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Robert versus Your Brain Reclaiming Your Identity Right.
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It's an entertaining book. I really enjoyed it. He also
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has a process called renew RNEWL Capital Letters, which will
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access at the end of the process here at end
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of the podcast. Bay. He does a lot of good work.
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He and I. He and I probably as much on
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the same page as anyboy I've ever worked with, and
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we're speaking the same language. But anyways, a matter of
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understanding the brain. What do you point? On the first podcast,
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and the first thing he does is people's help understand
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how the brain works. You start depersalizing things like anxiety
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and frustration, realize what's happening in your brain when those occur.
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And then he talked about forty off types of leadership
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with self leadership, one on one, team leadership, and organizational leadership.
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And we talked about the self leadership, which I think
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will stay on today because that's why we're here as
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people's own leadership of their own lives. So we I'm
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excited about what you do. I didn't. I sort of
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didn't really comprehend until to day how much you actually
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do do and how parallel we are in our journeys.
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So I like to start with the story of somebody
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comes to you that you work with, and what they
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came in like and how they end up leaving, and
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what are the long term effects of what your work
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is great? Briefly reviewed the renewed process.
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In what you do absolutely great, and again as a neuroplastician,
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we focus in on we want to get results people
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actually change behavior. So this goes back a few years.
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There was a Chinese gentleman who was a middle manager
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in an organization and he didn't have a good he
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reported to the president, didn't have a good relationship and
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the people around him were very uncomfortable with him. So
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he came to me, and at first he was skeptical
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and going through my ten week or ten session renewed process,
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and I educated him a little about the brain and
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started to tell his story. Let's call him Lee, so
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I protect his anonymity. Lee when he was young, was
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brought up in China and his parents were high up
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on the Communist Party list. So he was taught when
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you go to school, be careful what you say to
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your teacher, the authority figure, because one bad word can
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get us in trouble with the Communist Party. Was also
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told don't say much to your kids. That the kids
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were friends around you for the same reason, and that's
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how we grew up. Then, at age twelve, his mom
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got booted out of the house, right because she wasn't
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conforming to communist ideology if.
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You will anyways, his mother, yeah, yeah, and his.
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Mother by his dad, right.
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Because he wasn't conforming, so he kicked her out.
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Yeah yeah, he was to that degree, and so he was.
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He finally he came to Canada and he kind of escaped,
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learned English and he held a series of jobs. And
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this guy is brilliant, absolutely brilliant, but he couldn't hold
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onto a job. Comes to my client who recognizes his brilliance,
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but again, not getting along with his boss, the president
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or others, that was a problem. So he told his
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story that I just told you, and all of a
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sudden he started to understand the reason he doesn't have
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a good relationship with the president is subconsciously emedied, is
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buried in his brain. Is that a fear of authority?
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The Communist Party? Now it's the president, and don't tell
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anything to your kids now gets translated and don't tell
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anything to your co workers. So we worked on that
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and we helped develop a script to develop new brain
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wiring so that when he's in those situations he now
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interacts with the president and interacts with his co workers.
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And that's exactly what he started to do. And he
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went from a situation where he may have been fired
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from the company to act within a short time after
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getting promoted. And that's what we say. We consistently try
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to help people unblocked present their true identity so that
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they proceed in a way which is better serving themselves
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and people around them.
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Well, that's a great story and also a very disturbing story,
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but it's also sort of an extreme example of what
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most of us do every day. We have who we are.
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We have different patterns and things about ourselves that we're
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not necessarily proud of. But this our behaviors, maybe some
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an addictions, substance abuse, repetitive behaviors or whatever, and then
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we spend a lot of energy putting on this front
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or facade I call it to the world that you know,
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this is who I am, is the facade, but it's
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actually not who you are. The problem takes a tremendous
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amount of energy to build it in the first place.
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And the cognitive construct, compared to your zoological brain, your brain,
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as you know, uses about twenty to twenty five percent
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of your entire body's energy. And if you spend a
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lot of time in cognition try and conversate for the
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unconscious responses, it's a big problem. So my observation is
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that healing starts and actually ends with connection, just connecting
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to what is, and a lot of it's not very pleasant.
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And then the real healing incurs the creativity. We actually
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develop the brain that you want. And as we talked
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about it, the ID like to well, we'll get to
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that in a second. So that's about the connection part
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of it. And this is a really clear example is okay,
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raise as a kid and you have all these different
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emotions and feelings and you really aren't allowed to express
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anything to anybody at a level that I've never even
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thought about. But right in those days, I'm assuming you
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could go to jail, go to exile. All sorts of
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things can happen just with this slip of the word.
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So talking about being hyper vigilant, not having your brain
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function optimally, that's an unbelievable story.
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Yes, yeah, no, I mean it really is, David, And
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you said something that really struck with me. That a
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lot of because I deal with a lot of C
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suite executives and I found that they're in the business
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world and sports is no different. You're brought up in
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such a way is not to be vulnerable, not to
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express emotion, and so you know, these athletes are these
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business people are in a world where they're constantly suppressing
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their emotion, which we know takes enormous cognitive energy on
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part of the brain and absolutely drains them. And plus
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there's a message again to be vulnerable is a sign
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of weakness. So part of the messaging I have and
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both in the business and sports world, is that that's
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absolutely not true. Ninety five percent of neuroactivity is actually
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emotional and for you to break free and actually tell
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your authentic story to the world, which is absolutely huge,
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it kind of you're unloading stuff from your brain, but
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at the same time you're presenting the true self to
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the world that people start to connect with you. You mentioned
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that connection and that people learn to be vulnerable, but
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I understand it's very difficult. You and I David have
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talked about that, that it's not natural for the human
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brain to be vulnerable because that's a threat to survival.
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So it's actually very difficult for some of these business
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executives and athletes to get there, to overcome these false
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messages in their brain to tell their true story. But
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those that do say it's the most liberating thing that
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they've ever done.
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Oh, it's huge. I mean, that's exactly why I put
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my practice because when you just connect with whatever, which
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include your bodies opacity to heal, it really is a miracle.
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I mean life is a miracle. Healing to a miracle,
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and orthopedics. If broken bones didn't heal, what would we do,
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if skin cunstant heal, what would we do? So the
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body knows how to heal if we just let it,
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and this cognitive energy we use to try to maintain
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this you know I call a facade or this you know,
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shield of armor that we put on. It just wears
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you right down. And plus it knocks down creativity because
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the blood supply to your creative brain is marketly compromised.
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But I just wanted to emphasize one point that we
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do know what is called the type see coping style
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that suppressed emotions actually cause more havoca and disease in
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your body than expressed And so would think people pleasing
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is a trait, Well, it's an active safety so you
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don't get in trouble and you're really repressing your needs
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in a big way. So your story really is illustrates
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that the level I just had not even heard of
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it now, about repressing everything just to stay alive. Why
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there you go. The other thing that strikes me I'd
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like you to comment on this is that if you're
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vulnerable in the wild, too vulnerable in the wild, even
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vulnerable physically, you just don't survive. And with humans it's
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the same thing physically, if you're in the wrong spot,
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wrong place, wrong time, you won't physically survive. The problem
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with thoughts and concepts and beliefs, the brain can't tell
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the difference between a mental threat and a physical threat,
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and so we're always on the defense against all these
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mental threats. Somebody to insults you, they don't treat you well,
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and we're always on defense for that. But yet being
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vulnerable is at the core of all successful human relationships.
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So we have a huge problem is that our survival
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brain says, don't be vulnerable. The conscious brain, which ones
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meaning to light, is with vulnerability. And that's what I'm
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impressed with your process is that you're teaching people how
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to tell their story. You're stripping off the layers you
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get to be who you are, and you spend trying
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to be a certain way for other people's needs, even
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your own needs. You want your self image to look good,
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you want you to look at other people, you project
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them back and forth. But yeah, it's an incredible relief
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just to let it go.
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Yeah, David, and time and time again. And I've worked
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my process on lots of people. So we bring people
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to tell their story, particularly in childhood, and a lot
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of people feel shame right when they think back to
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those days. But part of the whole messaging here. When
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you're three, four five, and let's say mom and dad
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are arguing about finances, there's matteral difficults difficulties. Mom and
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dad aren't attending basketball practice or pianel recital to a
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three or four or five year old. Those are actually
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threats to one safety, right, So we start developing these
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messages as well, I'm not worthy of love and all
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of this stuff, and that carries over into adulthood. So
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when I get people to tell their stories and I
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reflect on that, part of the messaging is show compassion
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towards yourself. Because when you're three or four five, you
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had no control over who your parents were or what
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your environment was. You were just at their mercy of
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your environment and your parents, right, So your brain becomes
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wired in such a way. But you don't have to
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buy into that as an adult. So when you think
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back to those years, don't feel shame. Look at yourself
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with a tremendous amount of compassion. Look what you went
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through just as a young child. That carried over into
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adolescent years. And now you have a position, let's say
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in a company or in a hospital, or in a
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school or whatever that you've actually made it. You're actually
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the hero of your own story. So look back at
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yourself with compassion and understand the great things that you've
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done in your life, which is what leadership is all about,
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overcoming obstacles, right, And we could look at like in
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movies and books, others who have overcome obstacles know so
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a view and in telling stories that individual gets in
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touch with that and that becomes part of their growth
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as leaders. That Wow, now I don't have to listen
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to others. I can really present my true identity, tell
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my story to the world and feel proud of it.
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And if they reject you, it's not your problem, that's
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their problem, right, Yes, I mean why do I need
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your approval to actually live my life the way I
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think I need to feel it? Becaurse That's what ego's about,
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is that your egos at the mercy of other people's opinions,
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and you're rejected, you feel bad, get accepted, you feel good.
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So egos are very fragile and actually just the core
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part of who you are. You don't actually need an
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ego to survive this planet. And so one of the
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concepts in my book is, you know, actually softening the
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ego because I don't like it when you think bad
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there for me. But why would that change? Why do
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I need to live my life under your supervision? But
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I want to jump to the bigger part of the
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story I think, which is their plasticity. Is that we
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mentioned this at the break a little bit, but it's
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hit me really hard. I have people read this book
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called The Talent Code. We've talked about this.
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Book, right we have?
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Yeah, have you read that book? By chance?
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Yeah? I think it's by Dan Coyle. Yeah.
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It is remarkable about how athletes, artists and musicians learn skills,
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and it's deep learning, master coaching and repetition. And again
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you're programming, programming, programming, and then people don't like adversity.
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They get upset. Yeah, yep. My golf instructor who is
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also performance coach, asks people, what's the part about golf
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you like? And it's the challenge. Yet when they have
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a bad lie or get stuck in a sandtrap, they
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get angry. So life without adversity is boring. Nobody likes
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to sit around. So again, healing ocurs and safety and
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it breaks down a constant threat. So safety is being
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safety in a physical safe spot, but safety is also
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having the tools actually defend yourself and so taking on
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those challenges. So what happens to people they have adversity,
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they get angry about it instead of looking at it,
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instead of embracing audiversity. Okay, here's another adversity. I'm going
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to practice my tools to get through it as quick
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as I can. But as you know, avoiding pain and
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avoiding adversity had you right the wrong direction. So I'll
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finish my little two cents with saying that healing occurs
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with action towards what you want. You're bringing in new data,
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if you want to analyze the old data, you're just
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during the same pot and reinforce in the circus the
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wrong direction. So I just like to jump into your
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way of I know it's simplification, but really developing a
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new brain instead of trying to fix the old one.
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Yes, yeah, And as I said, and I like to
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answer in a way in terms of my own story
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because I had a very overbearing dad and grew up
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with total lack of self confidence. So how do I
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react as a as a kid and as an adolescent.
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While I engaged in people pleasing, I became the party clown. Right,
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I'd be at a party, I'm the guy everybody was
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laughing at. I thought that was great. I became a
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control freak of perfectionist all the coping mechanisms that are
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used until I got married and my wife said she
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saw me at a party and said, what was that? Said,
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you look like an idiot. I said, what are you
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talking about? People were laughing, and she made me understand, No,
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they weren't laughing with you, they were laughing at you.
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And so that changed me a little bit. And then
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I started getting involved in leadership development and learning about
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the brain and understanding that these were all coping mechanisms
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that I was like using, and so in terms of
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the tools for me, I educated myself how my brain worked,
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and I started saying I learned about neuroplasticity, and I'm
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starting saying I started to tell myself, tell yourself a
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different story, and keep repeating it that no, you are great,
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You're not a victim of what happened. You're responsible for
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your own actions moving forward. And so I told myself
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a tale that no, I've been successful. I do have
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the right stuff, values and principles, and I hardwired that
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into my brain to the point today I don't have
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to be that party clown or the people pleaser or
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the perfectionist or listen to other people to tell me
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who I should be I could be my self, and
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I feel one hundred percent better as a result of it.
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Yeah, you just encapsulated the entire process in about two
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sentences there. I mean that was a remarkable statement. But yeah,
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you get connected to who you are and you the
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label start dropping off and you just start moving forward.
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And one metaphor I uses that of a snowplow and
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a giant blizzard as you connect it. Every minute of
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your life in a safe manner, whether you have to
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defend yourself or whether you actually feel safe, is like
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as you push forward, you literally, instead of fighting the obstacles,
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you push them out of the way. And I'm thinking
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it's particularly a repetitive thought patterns. Yet instead of fighting
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the thought, you just simply move forward on your terms
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and you literally push the adversity out of the way.
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Yes, and I think again getting back to leadership, that's
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a really important leadership ONCET because people when you're yourself
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and you're telling your real story, people see that they
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connect with you. You're telling your story, You're a human being,
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you make mistakes, we all do. People connect to that
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as opposed to the person who has the mask and
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armor on who's no line perfect. I never admit mistakes.
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We don't connect to that. So it's so important as
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leaders that we connect to our stories were on top
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of it. We use the tools right to overcome whatever
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deceptive brain messages we have and move forward with a
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lot of pride and courage to be our real selves.
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That's what people connect to, and that's what leadership is
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all about.
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Yeah, I've gone through an interesting phase personally based on
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what you've been teaching me. Also, whereas you know, I
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mean this process of thirty five years of just being
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off my feet completely gradually learning, gradually learning more more
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about why things happen, getting much better at helping other
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people get better. But it also became sort of a
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crusader that this is the answer, this, this and this,
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and I became talking head and a way, and I
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get disconnected a bit from what I'm actually doing compared
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to the messaging. So I get identified with this messaging
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and I'll see over the last six months, I'm just
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gonna say I'm done with that. My only goal now
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is to become more of what I'm trying other people
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to become. I just want to I just don't want
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to do this. You know I can help you out.
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I've got the best thing since I spread. I want
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people to heal. But I can only do so much.
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But for me personally, being more connected to who I am,
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why do what I do. I'm going back through some
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counseling myself to really work on this and just being
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more and more connected has made so much difference in
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my life as far as peace and Tommy, you'll be
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interested in this little part of the thing. I was
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at a party the other day. I met a person
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who employs two of my friends. He's a businessman, really
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good guy, and he called me a couple of nights ago.
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He said, I watched you at the party and says,
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he said, you're pretty what And I always shocked because
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you know, I don't have a sense, actually I do
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sense of difference. I didn't know that people could actually
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notice that. That might be the first time in my
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life I've heard everything that I'm calm, But your leadership
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is being calm and connected and making good decisions that
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are rational and moving forward to the strong foundation. And
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I'm feeling it and I'm excited about that.
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Yeah, and it should and again, I take a look
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at you David, And I mean, I think your work
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is so important and so brilliant, and one of the
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things I do and I encourage you to do, is think,
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no matter what our objectives are, how many people over
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the years have you helped. We often don't think about that,
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and sometimes it's one on one. Sometimes I know you
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work with groups or whatever, but my God, to be
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in a profession where you get people to in touch
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with who they are, to overcome major obstacles and pain
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that they feel in their lives, to somewhat to a
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point when they're being their true selves and what you know,
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it's just when we think about the people that we help,
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and I know you have so many people through your work,
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through your books and the whole bit. I think that's
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absolutely awesome that we're in a profession that we can
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help people that way, and I take great pride in that.
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I think you do as well. And at the end
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of the day, that's why we do what we.
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Do right exactly or Robert again, it's always a pleasure
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talking to you, and I feel like we have a
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few more podcasts to do because we didn't really get
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to touch on the guts of actually how you allow
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this transformation to occur. There's lots of details here, but again,
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you have your new book in the renewed process, and
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could you remind the audience again how to access your
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services and also remind us of the book.
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Yes, I'm again that smile and leaders com M Y
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E L I N Leadership dot com have access to
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my site, all the resources there, testimonials on my renewed
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process and information about it, and you can purchase my
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book you versus your brain reclaiming your identity, all the
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informations on the site, or you can go to Amazon.
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And the renew process is an online process.
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Right, yes, yeah, and.
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That's great because your approach is unique. But of course
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you're only one person, so getting this online is a
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big deal. I mean my feeling and I know you
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feel the same way that we each have our own
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version of sort of we each have our own version
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of doing the same thing, and it's going to take
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a village to create meaningful change on a widespread basis.
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And you're right. All we can do is what we
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can do in our own sphere and collaborate and just
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keep pushing forward. So I really appreciate your support, interest
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your efforts and and you know you're doing great work.
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So I really appreciate your time today.
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Thanks David. And you've been kind of a mentor towards me.
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I've learned so much from you as well. I just
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want to thank you because it's helped me become who
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I am.
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Great. Well, thank you.
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I'd like to thank our guest Robert Paris for being
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on the show today and explaining the principles of his
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coaching process and how it helps people embrace vulnerability, develop
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self compassion, and connect with others. I'm your host, Tom Masters,
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reminding you to be back next week for another episode
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of Back in Control Radio with Doctor David Hanscombe, and
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in the meantime, be sure to visit the website at
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www dot back in control dot com.
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Thanks for listening today and join us next week for
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Back in Control Readium
