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Viva Ardues firma In telepris lumen Luce Custodi Nosi Bello Sacro Veritas Duce Alright folks thanks for joining us again on a journey through spiritual warfare um this isn't really part two it's just another part yeah I guess uh that's fair.
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I mean the first one we were focused on is on September um of 2021 because of your marriage and because of 9-11, but um this is more towards us specifically and our relationships with with the women that we're in love with and you particularly being married to.
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So I'm coming up on my silver anniversary, uh my 25th anniversary.
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It's unbelievable to say, but I've been married to Jen for 25 years, and we're gonna be doing a renewal of vows um with uh one of our good friends, Father Mark Dollard, and uh it we're excited to do it, but it's caused me to reflect on my marriage and on marriage in general.
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If you know, and I think that's that's it, right?
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And although because of my personal circumstances, Sarah and I are not married, but we have been together about 17 years, and we live as if we are married, and you know, um, and so there's the remembrance of oh, we've had these difficult times and we've gotten through them, but there's also the we miss having some of those fun times we were able to have when we were younger, had less responsibility.
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Yeah, and that's a huge element to it, yeah.
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Yeah, so when you're mad, so Jen and I got married when we were young, and you and Sarah were basically you got married when you were young.
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Yep, and you guys have kids together, and you you also were together before like so you know what it was like before, and you know what it's like now, and you've been together long enough to see the range of a relationship between being young and growing older together.
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Yes, so it's not a shotgun like, oh, we've only been married for two years, so we're experts, right?
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The honeymoon phase.
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Yeah, it's no.
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You it's it's more, how would I say, it's more difficult to talk about the idea of marriage with somebody who's only been married for two to five years, or maybe only even ten years.
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But when you're talking 15 years or more, uh I'd say the person has a better perspective on what marriage entails.
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You know, and what's interesting in it is uh how much of both of you and I's history comes together being so similar.
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Yeah.
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One of the things that doesn't is our relationships with the women we're with.
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You've known Jen way before, and you had like a full-on relationship that courtship relationship to marriage, where Sarah and I were both on the rebound and were like, hey, we'll do this one night thing, and you know, we'll never see each other again.
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And that's not exactly what happened, you know.
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But um, it's just interesting how we can have come from so different far walks of life to getting to the same place in a relationship where we love our the women in our life to such a degree that we've been willing to just change so much about ourselves to to be better for them for ourselves as well.
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And you know, I wasn't always the person I am now.
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A matter of fact, I always joke, and it's only half of a joke.
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The man I am now is almost the polar opposite of the man I that Jen married in a lot of ways.
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And to be fair, Jen wasn't the woman she is now either.
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She was kind of the opposite of who she is now.
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And she'd be the first one to tell you too.
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She'll tell you.
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But then again, I wasn't always broken.
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I I hadn't gone to war, I hadn't seen the things I've seen, I hadn't done the things I've done, I hadn't had a brain injury.
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So a lot has happened in the 25 years we've been married, but also to be fair, Jen and I haven't, we've been married for 25 years, but we've been together off and on longer than that.
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Well, yeah, I mean So it's not like you you get together, you get married immediately.
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Because Matthew, your first child, was out of wedlock.
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He was out of wedlock, yeah.
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So what maybe four years or something?
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No, it was it was about two, maybe two and a half.
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I'm not exactly sure, but it was funny because when we got married, Matthew was he walked out and he walked up the aisle and he turned around and he said, It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
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So, you know, it's it's you know, it's um it's a definitely a growth experience.
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And you know, it I've done a lot of things to damage uh my relationship with with Jen.
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And we've done a lot of things to repair that damage.
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It's it's kind of like a a patchwork quilt, a marriage.
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You know, it really is, and it's like people we you know, people the cliche thing is not silk.
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You can you hurt the people you love the most, and you know, and I don't know if it's the same for you in some of your mental uh situations, but there are times where it's like unintentionally go out of my way to cause emotional damage to to separate us to like like you why are you with me?
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Like, I'm gonna do all the things I can to hurt your feelings and break your spirit so you can move on to something better.
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Sure.
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But then you know, she just stays with us, and she stays with me, and you know, and she's had her moments where she's tried to, you know, poke the bear.
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Oh, yeah, you know, you know, do but nobody knows us like our wives, nobody can trigger responses the way for good or bad, right?
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I mean well, Father Ryan said it best when you're with somebody in a vocation for any real length of time, God has put them in your life for a specific reason, and just like you said, that's the reason.
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Uh and it's because God has put them in your life to make you carry your specific cross, and those are crosses to carry or burdens to bear, let's put it that way.
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And they know because they know what buttons to push, they know how to make you bear that burden, don't they?
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But also on the opposite end, for them will you'll you'll get, you know, Jen will be like, hey, uh, come in the bedroom, I got something to show you.
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Like, they know how to get us out of the bad mental spaces as well.
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Like, hey, let's, you know, let's come in here, let's close the door, let's kind of forget about things for a little bit, and whether it be take a nap or more jovial type things to do, she knows how to get you out of your bad spots the same as Sarah would with me.
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So it works both ways.
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She knows how to get me so infuriated that you know I want to lose my mind, but also she knows how to redirect my attention in better in better ways.
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Hey, do you want to watch a certain movie or or whatever the case is?
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You know, and and I think that's the beauty of a relationship that God has ordained for mankind, you know, the good and the bad.
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And they'll tell you that.
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Um, and a lot of experts will tell you that relationships are good and bad.
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But the thing is, when you love somebody, true love is not a feeling, it's a choice.
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You gotta wake up every day and choose with your will to love that person and continue in your vocation because you know what?
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You don't know necessarily or specifically what that day is gonna bring, but you do know for sure if you're going to choose good, bad, or indifferent, if you're gonna continue to love that person no matter what that day is gonna bring, and no matter what that person is going to choose to do, good, bad, or indifferent.
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If they do something stupid, you're gonna be like, Well, you know what?
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It's dumb, I don't like it, but I still choose to love you, even though I might not like whatever the situation is.
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Yeah, you know, because you can love somebody, yeah, despite what how you feel about whatever choices they make.
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And you, yeah, their actions, and we've talked about that.
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And but I definitely I don't think it's the whole love at first sight.
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It's always lust at first sight, it's always that physical attraction, whether it be the smell, the sight of what they were.
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Because you know what?
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That's how it's always that's how we're designed.
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Well, no, love is work, it's always gonna take time and what makes love so special is the end result.
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The the fact that you know you put the work in, you know you've you went to those, you know, group sessions, or you went to confession, you went to these things, and now you get to look back and be like, I did those things yes, because she guided me that way, but I've done those things, and now I get to look at it's been 25 years and not a year.
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And you know, there was a thing I saw, and I forget where I saw it or I read it or something, and it said, your husband or your wife is the only person who chooses to love you.
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Your parents love you because they created you, they helped create you, they co-created you with God.
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That's why your parents love you.
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Your children love you because they you created them, right?
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Or you call they they're your parents, but your spouse loves you because they chose you and they continue to choose you every day.
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And unfortunately, they can make the choice to stop.
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And if they don't, they continue to love you.
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So your spouse is the only one that continues to choose to love you because everybody else in your family, in in one way or another, by blood, a bond of blood, is in in some way forced to love you to some degree.
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It's almost it's physically ingrained in that relationship where to some degree, and the same thing with you know, very close friendships, but obviously spouses we're talking about we're talking about familial love.
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Yes, the second most love.
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And you know, what I want to bring this up as far as spiritual warfare because if it wasn't for God's intention, not my intention of having the one-night stand, but God's intention of Sarah and I being together and it turning into what it has over the last 17 years, where my mental state was then and where it is now, how much she has guided me through all of this.
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She's tested the waters many times as well.
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Sure.
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But yeah, it was it's clearly God's plan for us to be together.
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And even though she's not in the face with uh Catholicism, her support of me going to making doing everything she can to make sure the car is free for me to go.
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Because she could make it more difficult, absolutely, yeah.
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But not only is she not making it difficult, she's making it easier for you.
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And you know, it's uh which is which is phenomenal.
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And it's just so amazing to have that.
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Which shows how much she supports you regardless of her personal feelings, and you know, we have Which is awesome.
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Definitely we have some conflicts as far as some belief issues, but just the support in and the going back to what we talked about before, is the way that she praises the fact that she sees these changes and she's like, Man, I'm so proud of you.
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And I love this, I love it changes outlook, you know.
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She's a good woman.
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Um, and and I love and and I love the fact that despite her personal feelings and opinions on on multiple things or whatever, is not only is she not hindering you or preventing you or or whatever, not only is she just not standing aside, she's actively supporting your choices for whatever her reasons are.
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She's supporting your choices and assisting you.
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That is a woman who's who is not just standing by her man, but helping her man make the choices he's choosing to make for his own reasons.
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That is exactly what God has designed when he made Eve for Adam, and he said in the garden, I need to make Adam a helper.
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Not just a companion, but a helper.
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Yeah, it's uh it's if you read if you read the story in Genesis, he says, I need to make Adam a helper.
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And Adam helps Eve, Eve helps Adam.
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The husband and wife situation, husbands and wives are designed to help each other, not just be companions.
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Friends are companions and and helpers, but the husband and wife are companions and helpers to a much more close degree because two become one flesh.
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And you know, and on the opposite end, I think it's important if if you're in a relationship with somebody and you're going through your your faith and they're not at that point.
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I think it's really important to be supportive of letting them take their own time.
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Don't don't over push the issue, but be patient for them as well, because maybe they're they're viewing your outcome as whether or not they should test the water.
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I think that's that's for sure a valid point.
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Because, you know, like we said at the end of the last episode, uh, preach always use words if necessary or when necessary.
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You know, it's it's vital not to push, in my view, it's vital not to push somebody towards anything, really, especially not towards God, because everybody's on a different journey towards at a different point in their journey towards God, towards Christ.
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And we should never judge somebody on where they're at in that journey.
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You know, uh St.
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Paul says we're all running the race, right?
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But when you're in a race, you're not all the same point in the race, are you?
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Of course not.
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Yes, exactly.
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When you were in PT and you were all running in PT when you were running the miles in the Marine Corps, were you all the same exact point?
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No.
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No.
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And yeah, because the destination was the same.
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And it's just as much of a race against yourself as it is a race against the clock.
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But in this case, it's let's support one another in that race without being judgmental about where you're at in that race, because the destination is the same.
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And I firmly believe that if you're trying to reach that destination and you die, God in his mercy will count that as a credit to you.
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Now, if you're resisting that race, well, then you got to answer for that.
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But if you're trying, if you're headed in the right direction, yeah, all right, you're you're on the right path.
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It's I I believe if you're if you're resisting that and you're going in the opposite direction on purpose, that's when you might have some problems.
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Deliberately setting the sidelines.
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Yeah.
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Or being an obstacle for others who are trying to.
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Or being an obstacle.
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If you're if you're tripping people.
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You can see that.
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Yeah, absolutely do you see.
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People who are married, and one is coming into the especially, I've noticed with coming into the Catholic faith, you have other Christian denominations who will be able to do that.
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I'll disown you.
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Yeah.
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Like Dr.
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Scott Hahn, his he had his family and his wife, Kimberly, uh, they lost their family and friends because they converted from from actually from being vapid anti-Catholics to being devout, you know, Catholics.
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Uh you know, they're great apologists, but they made that journey, and it was a difficult decision, but their family and friends left them because they made an honest conversion.
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And their family and friends, at least at one point in their their time, were hindrance to them.
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And instead of being happy for them and their journey towards Christ, put up those roadblocks and said, We are not gonna love you.
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And like the apostle said, if you do, if you do things, you can do all these good things, but if you do them without love, you're just a clashing symbol, a bang and gong.
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Yeah, it's great point.
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Um, let's do a quick exercise, okay?
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So we'll each say the one thing we love about our wives the most that that stands out outside of having kids.
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Sure.
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And then also we'll each mention one thing we think we should do better for our spouse.
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Okay, that's a that's a fair exercise.
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Uh, you go first.
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Okay.
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The one thing I, you know, with Sarah that I just I can't ever get over is that no matter how much I have put her through, and a lot of women do the whole they never let the past go, but with my specific PTSD stuff, she never holds that over my other things, other deliberate things I've done wrong, sure.
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But as far as my actual disability and the the issues that stem from, she's never brought that up in like as a way of uh I got it.
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She's weaponize, she doesn't weaponize it.
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Not at all.
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And or to hang it over your head to make you feel uh guilty, or belittle you, yeah.
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She's never done that.
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Not even in an argument.
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Nope.
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Uh other things, things I have done where you know, maybe my yelling does trigger her, and she'll mention, you know, but as far as my actual issue, she's never held it over my head.
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That's fantastic, which is amazing because she's I put her through a lot.
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So in those in those 17 years, I put her through a lot.
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What would you like to do to do better for her?
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You know, um, a big thing I want to try and do better for her is twofold.
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One is I need to just do better in my own personal motivation and improving myself, but also as a way to provide uh a stronger mental stability for her, be able to be there by improving myself, being able to help her proof improve herself now that she's gone through all these medical and and mental emotional situations from her medical experiences.
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Um kind of swapped places in our journey.
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And I just I need to be more strongly supportive and kind of help guide her into getting out of the house more and doing more.
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Like, that's a responsibility I have to take.
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I can't just sit there and be like, oh, you need to get out of the house.
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Like, I need to provide that and that support and that emotional uh stability.
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That's something I need to work on before her to help her out.
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Yeah, is you know.
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I think for me, one of the things I cherish the most about Jen is, and I've said this to her before in in various things, but it still stands true.
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I think one of the things, or no, one of the things I cherish the most about her is her willingness to forgive people and her always seeing the silver lining and everything, even if I see a dark cloud and say, there is nothing, there's no redeeming quality to this.
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She'll always find something.
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She'll find a silver lining somehow, she'll squeeze the good out of something that I just can't see, and she'll offer that as a perspective that I just didn't see.
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Uh, and I'll say, you know what, you're right.
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That's fair.
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I didn't see it from that perspective, you know, and she'll she'll give me a different perspective that I didn't see.
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And that's a thousand percent true.
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I mean, you can be very harsh when you get um hurt by people you care about or anything.
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And she, yeah, I've seen it.
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I've seen her be able to even change her mind a little bit to never talk into them again and to okay, well, we can have dinner.
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Like, so she's been able to have that effect absolutely.
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Um and it's she does it every time, and I'm just like, and I sometimes I'm like, damn it, because and so just look at me like, well, if you want to be a Christian, you have no choice but to act on that now.
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Why do you have to be a right woman?
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Oh man, absolutely, but you know what that's how she is in general, too, which is amazing.
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And I think what I what I need to do to work on to assist her more is to assist her more.
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I need to take the time out to help her more with everyday life because you know, she shoulders so much of the burden of being a mother and a wife and grandmother that I I often take it for granted.
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And I really shouldn't take, you know, it's not that I take it for granted, I take her for granted.
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And I gotta be more mindful not to take her for granted and remember that, you know, she's taken on a lot that she did not sign up for.
00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:31.200
She did not sign up to be my caregiver, and I need to say, take a step back and say, you know what?
00:22:31.519 --> 00:22:41.599
This woman, my best friend, the love of my life, did not, she signed up for a lot of things when she took her vows with me, but she did not sign on to be a caregiver for me.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:44.079
And I need to step back and say, you know what?
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:47.759
I'm gonna do more than my part to try to make it easier for her.
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:57.519
Yeah, you know, and like in the the last episode, we mentioned how we aren't scripted in doing what we did.
00:22:58.160 --> 00:23:01.039
Was there any plan for us to do this exercise?
00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:01.839
No, no.
00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:16.720
Um, in fact, it kind of the Holy Spirit came through me and was like, I think this is important for us to do because as humans, we're so quick to do the I did this right, I did this right, you did these things wrong to me.
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:34.079
So I think it was it since we're talking about relationships and our our the love of our life, it's important for us to praise them, but look at us more critically, look at ourselves and you know, self-criticism is is a hard pill to swallow, but it's good medicine.
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:38.880
Yeah, I know that's that's why you put me first, so you had to sort through all the things you've done wrong all these years.
00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:40.480
Hey, it was your idea.
00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:45.440
All right, and um yeah, I think we'll end it there.
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:47.599
And I think that it's a good exercise.
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:51.839
Your idea for a self-critical exercise is a good idea for everybody else who's listening.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:52.799
Yeah, please try it.
00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:55.680
You know, take the time and think about it.
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.000
You know, like praise, correct, praise, right?
00:23:58.079 --> 00:24:00.720
Like back at the dojo when you were instructing at the dojo.
00:24:01.039 --> 00:24:02.799
Praise, correct, praise.
00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.960
Um use that methodology in your life.
00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:12.160
And um, yeah, if I can figure out how to set this off, we can go from there.
00:00:03.759 --> 00:00:38.799
Viva Ardues firma In telepris lumen Luce Custodi Nosi Bello Sacro Veritas Duce Alright folks thanks for joining us again on a journey through spiritual warfare um this isn't really part two it's just another part yeah I guess uh that's fair.
00:00:38.880 --> 00:01:00.880
I mean the first one we were focused on is on September um of 2021 because of your marriage and because of 9-11, but um this is more towards us specifically and our relationships with with the women that we're in love with and you particularly being married to.
00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:05.359
So I'm coming up on my silver anniversary, uh my 25th anniversary.
00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:27.280
It's unbelievable to say, but I've been married to Jen for 25 years, and we're gonna be doing a renewal of vows um with uh one of our good friends, Father Mark Dollard, and uh it we're excited to do it, but it's caused me to reflect on my marriage and on marriage in general.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:31.280
If you know, and I think that's that's it, right?
00:01:31.439 --> 00:02:00.319
And although because of my personal circumstances, Sarah and I are not married, but we have been together about 17 years, and we live as if we are married, and you know, um, and so there's the remembrance of oh, we've had these difficult times and we've gotten through them, but there's also the we miss having some of those fun times we were able to have when we were younger, had less responsibility.
00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:02.719
Yeah, and that's a huge element to it, yeah.
00:02:03.200 --> 00:02:10.159
Yeah, so when you're mad, so Jen and I got married when we were young, and you and Sarah were basically you got married when you were young.
00:02:10.240 --> 00:02:28.159
Yep, and you guys have kids together, and you you also were together before like so you know what it was like before, and you know what it's like now, and you've been together long enough to see the range of a relationship between being young and growing older together.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:34.159
Yes, so it's not a shotgun like, oh, we've only been married for two years, so we're experts, right?
00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:34.960
The honeymoon phase.
00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:35.919
Yeah, it's no.
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:50.080
You it's it's more, how would I say, it's more difficult to talk about the idea of marriage with somebody who's only been married for two to five years, or maybe only even ten years.
00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:58.639
But when you're talking 15 years or more, uh I'd say the person has a better perspective on what marriage entails.
00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:08.879
You know, and what's interesting in it is uh how much of both of you and I's history comes together being so similar.
00:03:09.039 --> 00:03:09.360
Yeah.
00:03:09.599 --> 00:03:13.840
One of the things that doesn't is our relationships with the women we're with.
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:30.719
You've known Jen way before, and you had like a full-on relationship that courtship relationship to marriage, where Sarah and I were both on the rebound and were like, hey, we'll do this one night thing, and you know, we'll never see each other again.
00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:33.360
And that's not exactly what happened, you know.
00:03:33.919 --> 00:03:58.000
But um, it's just interesting how we can have come from so different far walks of life to getting to the same place in a relationship where we love our the women in our life to such a degree that we've been willing to just change so much about ourselves to to be better for them for ourselves as well.
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:01.919
And you know, I wasn't always the person I am now.
00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.360
A matter of fact, I always joke, and it's only half of a joke.
00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:14.000
The man I am now is almost the polar opposite of the man I that Jen married in a lot of ways.
00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:19.439
And to be fair, Jen wasn't the woman she is now either.
00:04:19.600 --> 00:04:22.639
She was kind of the opposite of who she is now.
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:25.120
And she'd be the first one to tell you too.
00:04:25.519 --> 00:04:26.240
She'll tell you.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:30.560
But then again, I wasn't always broken.
00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:36.959
I I hadn't gone to war, I hadn't seen the things I've seen, I hadn't done the things I've done, I hadn't had a brain injury.
00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:50.079
So a lot has happened in the 25 years we've been married, but also to be fair, Jen and I haven't, we've been married for 25 years, but we've been together off and on longer than that.
00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:54.160
Well, yeah, I mean So it's not like you you get together, you get married immediately.
00:04:54.399 --> 00:04:56.480
Because Matthew, your first child, was out of wedlock.
00:04:56.639 --> 00:04:57.360
He was out of wedlock, yeah.
00:04:57.439 --> 00:04:59.279
So what maybe four years or something?
00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:01.360
No, it was it was about two, maybe two and a half.
00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:11.040
I'm not exactly sure, but it was funny because when we got married, Matthew was he walked out and he walked up the aisle and he turned around and he said, It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
00:05:11.360 --> 00:05:17.040
So, you know, it's it's you know, it's um it's a definitely a growth experience.
00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:28.319
And you know, it I've done a lot of things to damage uh my relationship with with Jen.
00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:31.120
And we've done a lot of things to repair that damage.
00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:35.439
It's it's kind of like a a patchwork quilt, a marriage.
00:05:35.759 --> 00:05:41.199
You know, it really is, and it's like people we you know, people the cliche thing is not silk.
00:05:41.600 --> 00:06:05.920
You can you hurt the people you love the most, and you know, and I don't know if it's the same for you in some of your mental uh situations, but there are times where it's like unintentionally go out of my way to cause emotional damage to to separate us to like like you why are you with me?
00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:13.040
Like, I'm gonna do all the things I can to hurt your feelings and break your spirit so you can move on to something better.
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:13.680
Sure.
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:23.199
But then you know, she just stays with us, and she stays with me, and you know, and she's had her moments where she's tried to, you know, poke the bear.
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:32.720
Oh, yeah, you know, you know, do but nobody knows us like our wives, nobody can trigger responses the way for good or bad, right?
00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:48.800
I mean well, Father Ryan said it best when you're with somebody in a vocation for any real length of time, God has put them in your life for a specific reason, and just like you said, that's the reason.
00:06:49.120 --> 00:06:59.040
Uh and it's because God has put them in your life to make you carry your specific cross, and those are crosses to carry or burdens to bear, let's put it that way.
00:06:59.279 --> 00:07:05.519
And they know because they know what buttons to push, they know how to make you bear that burden, don't they?
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:14.639
But also on the opposite end, for them will you'll you'll get, you know, Jen will be like, hey, uh, come in the bedroom, I got something to show you.
00:07:14.800 --> 00:07:20.560
Like, they know how to get us out of the bad mental spaces as well.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:36.240
Like, hey, let's, you know, let's come in here, let's close the door, let's kind of forget about things for a little bit, and whether it be take a nap or more jovial type things to do, she knows how to get you out of your bad spots the same as Sarah would with me.
00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:38.000
So it works both ways.
00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:49.519
She knows how to get me so infuriated that you know I want to lose my mind, but also she knows how to redirect my attention in better in better ways.
00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:52.959
Hey, do you want to watch a certain movie or or whatever the case is?
00:07:53.279 --> 00:08:02.399
You know, and and I think that's the beauty of a relationship that God has ordained for mankind, you know, the good and the bad.
00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:03.680
And they'll tell you that.
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:11.680
Um, and a lot of experts will tell you that relationships are good and bad.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:18.160
But the thing is, when you love somebody, true love is not a feeling, it's a choice.
00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:28.480
You gotta wake up every day and choose with your will to love that person and continue in your vocation because you know what?
00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:50.080
You don't know necessarily or specifically what that day is gonna bring, but you do know for sure if you're going to choose good, bad, or indifferent, if you're gonna continue to love that person no matter what that day is gonna bring, and no matter what that person is going to choose to do, good, bad, or indifferent.
00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:53.679
If they do something stupid, you're gonna be like, Well, you know what?
00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:59.840
It's dumb, I don't like it, but I still choose to love you, even though I might not like whatever the situation is.
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:05.600
Yeah, you know, because you can love somebody, yeah, despite what how you feel about whatever choices they make.
00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:08.960
And you, yeah, their actions, and we've talked about that.
00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:13.519
And but I definitely I don't think it's the whole love at first sight.
00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:20.559
It's always lust at first sight, it's always that physical attraction, whether it be the smell, the sight of what they were.
00:09:20.960 --> 00:09:21.360
Because you know what?
00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:23.279
That's how it's always that's how we're designed.
00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:31.759
Well, no, love is work, it's always gonna take time and what makes love so special is the end result.
00:09:31.919 --> 00:09:53.200
The the fact that you know you put the work in, you know you've you went to those, you know, group sessions, or you went to confession, you went to these things, and now you get to look back and be like, I did those things yes, because she guided me that way, but I've done those things, and now I get to look at it's been 25 years and not a year.
00:09:53.519 --> 00:10:04.399
And you know, there was a thing I saw, and I forget where I saw it or I read it or something, and it said, your husband or your wife is the only person who chooses to love you.
00:10:04.639 --> 00:10:10.000
Your parents love you because they created you, they helped create you, they co-created you with God.
00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:11.600
That's why your parents love you.
00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:16.000
Your children love you because they you created them, right?
00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:25.200
Or you call they they're your parents, but your spouse loves you because they chose you and they continue to choose you every day.
00:10:25.679 --> 00:10:30.080
And unfortunately, they can make the choice to stop.
00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:32.799
And if they don't, they continue to love you.
00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:50.720
So your spouse is the only one that continues to choose to love you because everybody else in your family, in in one way or another, by blood, a bond of blood, is in in some way forced to love you to some degree.
00:10:50.960 --> 00:11:04.000
It's almost it's physically ingrained in that relationship where to some degree, and the same thing with you know, very close friendships, but obviously spouses we're talking about we're talking about familial love.
00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:06.879
Yes, the second most love.
00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:38.000
And you know, what I want to bring this up as far as spiritual warfare because if it wasn't for God's intention, not my intention of having the one-night stand, but God's intention of Sarah and I being together and it turning into what it has over the last 17 years, where my mental state was then and where it is now, how much she has guided me through all of this.
00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:41.279
She's tested the waters many times as well.
00:11:41.759 --> 00:11:42.080
Sure.
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:47.279
But yeah, it was it's clearly God's plan for us to be together.
00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:59.360
And even though she's not in the face with uh Catholicism, her support of me going to making doing everything she can to make sure the car is free for me to go.
00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:02.080
Because she could make it more difficult, absolutely, yeah.
00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.440
But not only is she not making it difficult, she's making it easier for you.
00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:08.399
And you know, it's uh which is which is phenomenal.
00:12:08.639 --> 00:12:10.399
And it's just so amazing to have that.
00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:16.559
Which shows how much she supports you regardless of her personal feelings, and you know, we have Which is awesome.
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:32.559
Definitely we have some conflicts as far as some belief issues, but just the support in and the going back to what we talked about before, is the way that she praises the fact that she sees these changes and she's like, Man, I'm so proud of you.
00:12:32.639 --> 00:12:37.919
And I love this, I love it changes outlook, you know.
00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:39.360
She's a good woman.
00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:59.039
Um, and and I love and and I love the fact that despite her personal feelings and opinions on on multiple things or whatever, is not only is she not hindering you or preventing you or or whatever, not only is she just not standing aside, she's actively supporting your choices for whatever her reasons are.
00:12:59.200 --> 00:13:02.559
She's supporting your choices and assisting you.
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:12.320
That is a woman who's who is not just standing by her man, but helping her man make the choices he's choosing to make for his own reasons.
00:13:12.639 --> 00:13:22.240
That is exactly what God has designed when he made Eve for Adam, and he said in the garden, I need to make Adam a helper.
00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:25.200
Not just a companion, but a helper.
00:13:25.519 --> 00:13:31.120
Yeah, it's uh it's if you read if you read the story in Genesis, he says, I need to make Adam a helper.
00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:34.000
And Adam helps Eve, Eve helps Adam.
00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:39.600
The husband and wife situation, husbands and wives are designed to help each other, not just be companions.
00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:52.559
Friends are companions and and helpers, but the husband and wife are companions and helpers to a much more close degree because two become one flesh.
00:13:52.960 --> 00:14:04.080
And you know, and on the opposite end, I think it's important if if you're in a relationship with somebody and you're going through your your faith and they're not at that point.
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:08.960
I think it's really important to be supportive of letting them take their own time.
00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:24.320
Don't don't over push the issue, but be patient for them as well, because maybe they're they're viewing your outcome as whether or not they should test the water.
00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:27.840
I think that's that's for sure a valid point.
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:34.879
Because, you know, like we said at the end of the last episode, uh, preach always use words if necessary or when necessary.
00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:50.799
You know, it's it's vital not to push, in my view, it's vital not to push somebody towards anything, really, especially not towards God, because everybody's on a different journey towards at a different point in their journey towards God, towards Christ.
00:14:51.039 --> 00:14:55.519
And we should never judge somebody on where they're at in that journey.
00:14:55.759 --> 00:14:56.799
You know, uh St.
00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:59.279
Paul says we're all running the race, right?
00:14:59.519 --> 00:15:03.519
But when you're in a race, you're not all the same point in the race, are you?
00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:04.399
Of course not.
00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:05.120
Yes, exactly.
00:15:05.440 --> 00:15:10.799
When you were in PT and you were all running in PT when you were running the miles in the Marine Corps, were you all the same exact point?
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:11.279
No.
00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:11.759
No.
00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:14.720
And yeah, because the destination was the same.
00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:22.159
And it's just as much of a race against yourself as it is a race against the clock.
00:15:22.399 --> 00:15:32.960
But in this case, it's let's support one another in that race without being judgmental about where you're at in that race, because the destination is the same.
00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:44.399
And I firmly believe that if you're trying to reach that destination and you die, God in his mercy will count that as a credit to you.
00:15:44.879 --> 00:15:49.440
Now, if you're resisting that race, well, then you got to answer for that.
00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:54.480
But if you're trying, if you're headed in the right direction, yeah, all right, you're you're on the right path.
00:15:54.720 --> 00:16:01.440
It's I I believe if you're if you're resisting that and you're going in the opposite direction on purpose, that's when you might have some problems.
00:16:01.919 --> 00:16:03.519
Deliberately setting the sidelines.
00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:03.919
Yeah.
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:06.559
Or being an obstacle for others who are trying to.
00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:07.679
Or being an obstacle.
00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:08.639
If you're if you're tripping people.
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:09.360
You can see that.
00:16:09.679 --> 00:16:10.799
Yeah, absolutely do you see.
00:16:11.120 --> 00:16:20.000
People who are married, and one is coming into the especially, I've noticed with coming into the Catholic faith, you have other Christian denominations who will be able to do that.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:21.039
I'll disown you.
00:16:21.279 --> 00:16:21.440
Yeah.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:22.480
Like Dr.
00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:36.639
Scott Hahn, his he had his family and his wife, Kimberly, uh, they lost their family and friends because they converted from from actually from being vapid anti-Catholics to being devout, you know, Catholics.
00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:47.279
Uh you know, they're great apologists, but they made that journey, and it was a difficult decision, but their family and friends left them because they made an honest conversion.
00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:53.840
And their family and friends, at least at one point in their their time, were hindrance to them.
00:16:53.919 --> 00:17:01.039
And instead of being happy for them and their journey towards Christ, put up those roadblocks and said, We are not gonna love you.
00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:09.839
And like the apostle said, if you do, if you do things, you can do all these good things, but if you do them without love, you're just a clashing symbol, a bang and gong.
00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:12.079
Yeah, it's great point.
00:17:12.559 --> 00:17:15.119
Um, let's do a quick exercise, okay?
00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:24.240
So we'll each say the one thing we love about our wives the most that that stands out outside of having kids.
00:17:24.480 --> 00:17:24.880
Sure.
00:17:25.119 --> 00:17:31.920
And then also we'll each mention one thing we think we should do better for our spouse.
00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:33.920
Okay, that's a that's a fair exercise.
00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:35.359
Uh, you go first.
00:17:35.680 --> 00:17:36.000
Okay.
00:17:37.119 --> 00:18:03.039
The one thing I, you know, with Sarah that I just I can't ever get over is that no matter how much I have put her through, and a lot of women do the whole they never let the past go, but with my specific PTSD stuff, she never holds that over my other things, other deliberate things I've done wrong, sure.
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:11.759
But as far as my actual disability and the the issues that stem from, she's never brought that up in like as a way of uh I got it.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:13.279
She's weaponize, she doesn't weaponize it.
00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:14.079
Not at all.
00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:19.599
And or to hang it over your head to make you feel uh guilty, or belittle you, yeah.
00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:20.400
She's never done that.
00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:21.759
Not even in an argument.
00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:22.319
Nope.
00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:34.240
Uh other things, things I have done where you know, maybe my yelling does trigger her, and she'll mention, you know, but as far as my actual issue, she's never held it over my head.
00:18:34.480 --> 00:18:39.039
That's fantastic, which is amazing because she's I put her through a lot.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:42.960
So in those in those 17 years, I put her through a lot.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.319
What would you like to do to do better for her?
00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:53.279
You know, um, a big thing I want to try and do better for her is twofold.
00:18:53.440 --> 00:19:20.319
One is I need to just do better in my own personal motivation and improving myself, but also as a way to provide uh a stronger mental stability for her, be able to be there by improving myself, being able to help her proof improve herself now that she's gone through all these medical and and mental emotional situations from her medical experiences.
00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:25.599
Um kind of swapped places in our journey.
00:19:25.759 --> 00:19:35.359
And I just I need to be more strongly supportive and kind of help guide her into getting out of the house more and doing more.
00:19:35.519 --> 00:19:39.039
Like, that's a responsibility I have to take.
00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:42.160
I can't just sit there and be like, oh, you need to get out of the house.
00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:48.559
Like, I need to provide that and that support and that emotional uh stability.
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:53.680
That's something I need to work on before her to help her out.
00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:55.279
Yeah, is you know.
00:19:55.680 --> 00:20:06.559
I think for me, one of the things I cherish the most about Jen is, and I've said this to her before in in various things, but it still stands true.
00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:22.640
I think one of the things, or no, one of the things I cherish the most about her is her willingness to forgive people and her always seeing the silver lining and everything, even if I see a dark cloud and say, there is nothing, there's no redeeming quality to this.
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She'll always find something.
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She'll find a silver lining somehow, she'll squeeze the good out of something that I just can't see, and she'll offer that as a perspective that I just didn't see.
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Uh, and I'll say, you know what, you're right.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:39.759
That's fair.
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I didn't see it from that perspective, you know, and she'll she'll give me a different perspective that I didn't see.
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And that's a thousand percent true.
00:20:48.480 --> 00:20:56.079
I mean, you can be very harsh when you get um hurt by people you care about or anything.
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And she, yeah, I've seen it.
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I've seen her be able to even change her mind a little bit to never talk into them again and to okay, well, we can have dinner.
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:10.799
Like, so she's been able to have that effect absolutely.
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Um and it's she does it every time, and I'm just like, and I sometimes I'm like, damn it, because and so just look at me like, well, if you want to be a Christian, you have no choice but to act on that now.
00:21:25.440 --> 00:21:26.720
Why do you have to be a right woman?
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Oh man, absolutely, but you know what that's how she is in general, too, which is amazing.
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And I think what I what I need to do to work on to assist her more is to assist her more.
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I need to take the time out to help her more with everyday life because you know, she shoulders so much of the burden of being a mother and a wife and grandmother that I I often take it for granted.
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And I really shouldn't take, you know, it's not that I take it for granted, I take her for granted.
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And I gotta be more mindful not to take her for granted and remember that, you know, she's taken on a lot that she did not sign up for.
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She did not sign up to be my caregiver, and I need to say, take a step back and say, you know what?
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This woman, my best friend, the love of my life, did not, she signed up for a lot of things when she took her vows with me, but she did not sign on to be a caregiver for me.
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:44.079
And I need to step back and say, you know what?
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I'm gonna do more than my part to try to make it easier for her.
00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:57.519
Yeah, you know, and like in the the last episode, we mentioned how we aren't scripted in doing what we did.
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Was there any plan for us to do this exercise?
00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:01.839
No, no.
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Um, in fact, it kind of the Holy Spirit came through me and was like, I think this is important for us to do because as humans, we're so quick to do the I did this right, I did this right, you did these things wrong to me.
00:23:16.880 --> 00:23:34.079
So I think it was it since we're talking about relationships and our our the love of our life, it's important for us to praise them, but look at us more critically, look at ourselves and you know, self-criticism is is a hard pill to swallow, but it's good medicine.
00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:38.880
Yeah, I know that's that's why you put me first, so you had to sort through all the things you've done wrong all these years.
00:23:39.119 --> 00:23:40.480
Hey, it was your idea.
00:23:42.480 --> 00:23:45.440
All right, and um yeah, I think we'll end it there.
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:47.599
And I think that it's a good exercise.
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:51.839
Your idea for a self-critical exercise is a good idea for everybody else who's listening.
00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:52.799
Yeah, please try it.
00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:55.680
You know, take the time and think about it.
00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:58.000
You know, like praise, correct, praise, right?
00:23:58.079 --> 00:24:00.720
Like back at the dojo when you were instructing at the dojo.
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Praise, correct, praise.
00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.960
Um use that methodology in your life.
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And um, yeah, if I can figure out how to set this off, we can go from there.
