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Hey, Cody Butler here, and today I'm going to talk to you about why most men fail to save their marriage in divorce crisis situations, when actually the reality is many of the situations could actually be turned around with the right strategy, with the right approach.
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And I'm just going to give you the answer up front and then we'll look at why it happens in the solution as we go through this video.
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So the reason most fail is because of inconsistent execution governed by emotion.
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It's not that you can't do it or you won't do it or you don't want to do it.
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It's that the execution is inconsistent and it's not sustained enough.
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And the reason is because whether you execute or not is governed purely on how you feel in your emotions.
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And if we can get a grip of this, then this is going to have massive repercussions across every aspect of your life.
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This goes way beyond marriage crisis.
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This speaks to business, to finances, to your health, to parenting, every domain of your life.
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This is how we think as men, right?
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I'll just try harder, I'll say more, I'll promise what I need to promise.
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And they search endlessly for the solution.
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Like the solution is one thing that you go and get.
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Give me the script, give me the strategy, give me the whatever, and I'll do it.
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So they attempt to fix the situation by a checklist mentality, yet the situation continues to get worse.
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The wife keeps withdrawing from the marriage, she keeps pushing towards divorce or escalating the divorce.
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And emotional safety and the general condition of the marriage just continues on a downward trajectory, it keeps collapsing.
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So this can feel very unf very confusing to the man, very unfair, and it can have a feeling of hopelessness, right?
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Because he's trying, he's making an effort.
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You're making a genuine effort to save this marriage, and you know you are, but it's just not working and she's not responding.
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And it's again, it's not that she can't respond or she won't respond.
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She the the strategy that you're taking is incorrect right now, and we're in a cause and effect environment.
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The way she's responding is a result of how you act.
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And change how you act, change she'll change how she responds.
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So let's look at that.
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So what men tend to think is the cause of failure is not trying hard enough, not saying the right things, not acting quickly enough, or not fact not finding the correct strategy to save the marriage.
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They think, well, if I can just say the right thing or do the right thing or promise the right thing, then this should turn around.
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But the truth of the matter is it's like the fly trying to escape the room.
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He flies against a closed window, hits his head against it, and doesn't break through, obviously.
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So he goes, I'll just try harder, flies against the window again, doesn't break through.
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He goes, I'll just fly faster, I'll just do it more often, I'll just make more effort.
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But the truth of the matter is the harder the try the fly tries to break out of that window, he's never gonna do it.
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No amount of effort is gonna get him through that window.
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In fact, the harder he tries, the quicker he's gonna die.
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But if that fly stopped for a second, looked off to the side and saw that the door was wide open, he could effortlessly fly out of an open door and achieve the result that he wants.
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And the same is true with marriage.
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When you understand the actual causes of the problems, the solution is not to try harder, to say the right things, to act more quickly, etc.
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It's to adjust your strategy and simply walk through the open door.
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So the thing is, most men think it's a missing conversation, a missing breakthrough, a key fix, a script, etc.
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It's none of those things.
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So the first real failure that men make in this situation is they misdiagnose the problem, right?
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They try to fix the wrong hole and and they they frantically try to fix surface level issues.
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Just tell me what you want me to do.
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Do you need me to move the couch from here to there?
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Do you need me to paint the fence?
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Do you need me to take the trash out?
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What is it that you need me to do?
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Just tell me what you need from me, dear wife, and I'll give it to you.
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And I'm genuine in that.
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I really want to make you happy and just tell me what you need.
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But the problem is, these are all surface level issues because we're very transactional as men.
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We look at we look at the problems as fixable things, like let's move this from here to there, let's take a hammer and hit the nail, right?
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Whereas the real problem that she's looking for, uh, that she's looking to escape from is emotional instability, emotional pressure, and nervous system dysregulation caused by the condition of the marriage.
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And all of these continue unchecked and unchanged during this situation, right?
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So to put it another way, she's looking for, she's looking to divorce as a pressure release, release valve.
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It's not necessarily that she's choosing divorce because that's her first option.
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She's choosing divorce because the pressure within the marriage has reached a point that she can no longer handle, it's literally a survival situation at this point, and she cannot get that regulation and pressure relief within the marriage.
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So now she's looking at going outside of the marriage or leaving the marriage, not because she wants that, because this is the only option that she has to get that relief from the pressure.
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When you understand that saving your marriage is about releasing pressure, it's not about checklists, everything changes.
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So what is the mentality checklist?
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Well, as men, we love checklists, right?
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Especially if we're in business or you know, we're very productive.
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It's like, give me the checklist checklist, we'll check it off, and at the end of it, the task is done.
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So he thinks, well, tell me what to fix, tell me what to solve, tell me what to do here.
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What do you want?
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What do you need?
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I'll do it.
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I have no issue with doing it, I'll fix it.
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And then we just move on beyond this, right?
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But this is not this is not what's going to save the marriage, right?
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The reality is she's not looking for one-time fixes, she's not looking for things to be done specifically.
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She's looking for sustained behavioral stability, emotional consistency, and embodied change over time.
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Now, this is the overtime part is the part that men really don't like, right?
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We just want to we we we're like a microwave.
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We just want it done in 30 seconds.
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We don't want to be the slow cooker.
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But what she needs to feel safe again is to see embodied change over time, consistency, consistency, consistency.
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It's not about doing amazing things, it's not about doing remarkable things, it's about doing ordinary things remarkably consistently.
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And again, this is why the number one the recipe for failure is inconsistent execution governed by emotion.
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When you you can do the right thing, but you have to do it consistently over time.
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And if your emotions get in the way of that, as you're going to see coming up, it's going to be very problematic.
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So the reason that our efforts fail, even though a lot of people will watch my videos or the men that I work with, they'll go, Well, I did what you said, Cody, and it worked for a second, but it's not working anymore.
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It's like, well, it's because there's a lack of consistency.
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It's like the the execution of the principle is emotionally governed.
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So your behavior or the new behavior is simply based on your mood.
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It's based on the hopes, the hope condition of the marriage.
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If if you feel hopeful, if she's giving you hope, then you behave a certain way, which is very positive if she takes that hope away, then you behave another way that's very inconsistent.
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You behavior is based on fear, and it's also based on her reactions.
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If she has a good day, you have a consistent day.
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If she has a bad day, you have a very inconsistent day.
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Or in other words, there's really no internal authority going on inside of you.
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Whether your execution and whether your behavior is consistent is completely dependent on the environment, right?
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Completely dependent on emotion.
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So there's simply no disciplined execution.
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The the key here is consistent execution devoid of emotion.
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So if you don't feel like it today, good, do it anyway.
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All hope has been removed from the relationship.
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Okay, fine, do it anyway.
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I'm scared, Cody.
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I understand.
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I'm scared too.
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Do it anyway, etc.
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etc.
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Right.
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There's no disciplined execution that all execution is based purely on how you feel.
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So what does emotional inconsistency look like?
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And again, this is what she needs to stay in this relationship: emotional consistency.
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Right now, you're providing emotional inconsistency.
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So the persona that you're looking to move into, the internal authority, emotional sovereignty that you're looking to adopt is a calmness.
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Uh not only when things feel hopeful, but also when they're when hope is taken away.
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So the inconsistently looks the inconsistency looks like collapse when divorce feels real.
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When that divorce feels real again, you just collapse.
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It's you you you feel positive and you're able to control and regulate yourself when she's responding well to the situation, but when she isn't, you can't.
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You become angry or depressed, or you you become very negative when she withdraws.
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Your mood is completely dependent on whether she's coming towards you or moving away.
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You're able to provide stabilizing behavior to the relationship only when it's convenient, meaning only when the mood takes you.
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Destabilizing behavior returns under pressure.
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Again, a lot of the men that I work with, they do very well when things are going well.
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But this is not the measure of who you are as a man.
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We find out who you are when the pressure arises.
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It's not when you've had a good night's sleep and a full belly of food and everything's going well and you're behaving well.
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We don't say that the man's behaving well in that it is behaves well consistently.
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It's when he's hungry, when he's tired, when he's cold, when she removes all hope from the relationship.
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When he finds out that she's spoken to a lawyer.
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This is when we find out who you really are.
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Can you stabilize yourself in that situation?
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Can you be a stabilizing force when every every emotion inside of you wants to fall apart and collapse?
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If you can, then you stand a chance of saving this marriage.
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So this is like the gym, right?
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Saving the marriage is like going to the gym.
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And it's like saying to your wife, I'm serious about change, I'm serious about losing weight, I'm serious about getting healthy, and I'm going to go to the gym five days a week.
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And you mean it, you really do.
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But you set the alarm clock for 5 a.m., the alarm clock goes off, and you tell yourself a story, you go back to sleep because you feel tired, or you tell yourself a story about it's not good to push yourself when you feel this way, or you'll do it later in the afternoon.
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Whatever story you manage to tell yourself, you go back to sleep, you hit the snooze, or you turn the alarm off and you go back to sleep.
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And the reality is you were serious about changing.
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You you made a plan to change, you put all the conditions in place for the change to take place, but you failed to execute because of emotion.
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You were tired in this case.
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I had every intention of doing the right thing, but emotion got in the way.
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The man that saves his marriage, metaphorically, doesn't care that he feels tired.
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He says, I'm getting up at five o'clock no matter what, I'm going to the gym no matter what.
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The great example here, I I love farmers because they understand this inherently.
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That those cows need feeding every day at 5 a.m.
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regardless.
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Doesn't matter if he's sick, doesn't matter if he's tired, doesn't matter if it's snowing, raining, the sun's shining, doesn't matter if it's winter, doesn't matter if it's summer, doesn't matter if there's a pandemic going on, doesn't matter if the world's at war.
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He has to get up at 5 o'clock and go feed those cows every single day, irrespective of how he feels.
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Farmers are the perfect example of consistent execution devoid of emotion.
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If you can get that mentality in your relationship of consistent execution devoid of emotion, you are in a very, very good position to save your marriage.
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So the marriage equivalent here is like the man promises changes, he means them too, he's well-meaning, but he emotionally collapses under the pressure and he abandons consistency when it becomes difficult.
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At five o'clock, when that alarm clock goes off and it's cold and you're tired, you abandon the consistency because your emotions take over and you submit yourself to your emotions, not to your will.
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So the real breakdown here is truly that he's governed by emotion, not rules and stability.
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Yeah, not rules, discipline, internal authority.
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So what's actually happening here is external conditions are controlling your behavior, they're controlling your nervous system, and they're controlling your consistency.
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Internal authority, internal sovereignty says, I'm gonna do it regardless.
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I'm gonna do it by demand, not by feelings.
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I'm gonna do it because I demand it of myself.
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I'm gonna do it because I have the internal discipline and the internal authority and strength to do it regardless.
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I'm gonna get up at five o'clock and go to the gym regardless.
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I'm gonna feed those cows regardless.
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I'm gonna behave in a consistent, restrained, stabilizing way within this marriage, regardless of how the marriage behaves back to me.
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I'm gonna bring stability to the marriage, I'm not gonna take stability from the marriage.
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So why does it destroy trust when you lack this internal authority to execute consistently or your execution is purely based on emotion?
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It's it's because you're she she can't trust emotionally conditional behavior.
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Effectively, what you're saying in this situation is I I'll give you everything you want, but it's conditional.
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It's conditional on you giving me positive vibes, it's conditional on me feeling secure in this relationship.
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So what she experiences is instability, unpredictability, and uh temporary transformation, right?
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This is why we hear things like, I see your changes, I can see that you're making an effort and I appreciate it.
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You might hear something like, The next person that you're with, I'm truly happy for them, they're gonna really benefit from this.
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Because they they see the change, but they do not believe the change is permanent.
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Because you're still emotionally governed and regulated at this point versus being governed by internal authority.
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You're a man that gets blown around by the wind instead of being the storm, the shelter from the storm.
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So what happens is that she sees that your positive behavior is emotionally dependent and it's not character-driven.
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You don't behave that way because that's who you are and you're gonna choose it regardless.
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You behave that way because the wind is blowing in the right, right direction.
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So, real change is not about emotional intensity, it's not let me show her how much I love her, making promises, I'll do this, this, and this, short-term effort, or panic-driven motivation.
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All of these things simply communicate to her that you're inherently unstable.
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Real real change is stable execution, consistent behavior, devoid of emotion.
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It's disciplined action, devoid of emotion, and it's emotional regulation under pressure.
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Again, think about the farmer.
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This is what you need to become.
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I'm gonna get up at five o'clock, regardless of the conditions, regardless of my condition, and I'm gonna execute disciplined, consistent execution, regardless of the emotional state under it, driving it.
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You get control of yourself and you go, I'm gonna execute regardless of how I feel today.
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So the critical principle here is we've talked about this, right?
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True character, who you actually are, which is who your wife is responding to, not who you think you are or who you're telling her you you are or who you're projecting that you're gonna be.
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She's responding to your true character, and that is revealed when emotions no longer support the behavior.
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What does that mean when emotions no longer support the behavior?
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When when your emotions tell you that this marriage is hopeless, that this situation is hopeless, and you behave in a way that's concrete completely contrary to those emotions.
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You behave in a way that is productive and supportive.
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When emotions no longer support the behavior, the behavior is getting up at five o'clock in the morning to go to the gym.
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When your emotions, which tell you you're tired right now, no longer support that behavior of getting up, the behavior wins, not the emotion.
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So stability as a man, which ultimately this is what your wife is craving from you, and it's why she's leaving the relationship, because she's going to get far more stability being outside of the relationship than being in it.
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Stability means doing the right thing for one reason and one reason only, because it's the right thing to do.
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These videos are a great example, right?
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I've committed to posting two videos, making two videos a week and posting them regardless of who watches them.
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If zero people watch it, I'll still do it.
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When it feels hopeless, when it feels like nobody's gonna watch it, when it feels like nobody's gonna respond, I'm gonna make the video and I'm gonna post.
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Regardless.
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Because I've decided that that's what I'm gonna do.
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Now I'm gonna execute consistently regardless of how I feel or what the situation is telling me.
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So again, it's doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because she rewards it, not because you're getting something out of it, not because it feels good, not because you're getting results or you can see that it's working, but simply because I'm committed to that and I'm a man that operates on executional discipline, not emotional stimulation.
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So we gotta rebuild trust in this marriage, right?
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She needs to trust you again.
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And more explicitly, she needs to trust your behavior.
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When when you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
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When she she needs to know who's showing up, who's she gonna get.
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So what actually rebuilds trust is not promising anything, it's not saying I'll do this and this.
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It's behavioral consistency over time.
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It's seeing that it's her seeing that you're gonna follow through regardless.
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It's emotional neutrality and execution.
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The farmer is emotionally neutral to the situation.
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If he feels good, he gets up and goes feeds the cows.
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If he feels bad, he gets up and goes feeds the cows.
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He's completely emotionally neutral to the execution of the act.
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This is this is where trust really starts to rebuild with your wife, is when you act from a place of emotional neutrality in your execution and you stabilize regardless of the outcome, regardless of your own fear, uncertainty, and her reactions.
00:18:57.440 --> 00:18:58.559
We all have these things, right?
00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:00.000
We're all fearful.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:03.839
We're all we all have to deal with uncertainty.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:07.519
We all get reactions that we're not looking for or don't want from her.
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:08.960
But can we stabilize?
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:14.480
Can we react consistently in a way that stabilizes her, regardless?
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:20.640
In other words, can we can we execute consistently regardless of emotion?
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:23.759
This is embodied leadership when we do this.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:27.279
This is internal authority, this is masculinity, right?
00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:38.480
So the deeper understanding to take away from this is as long as your behavior depends on her moods, her validations, her reactions, your feelings, in other words, she is still regulating you.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:46.559
She is still the one stabilizing the relationship, and she is the she is the emotional environment of the marriage.
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:58.000
She's having to create when when she stabilizes herself and she can give you that that positive feedback, then you're able to stabilize.
00:19:58.079 --> 00:20:05.440
You're effectively you're taking stability from the relationship instead of giving it to the relationship, which is ultimately your role.
00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:12.240
This is your role, this is your masculine role, this is your role as the man in the relationship, is to provide that emotional stability.
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:15.839
So effectively, we've still got a major role inversion going on.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:32.319
You've put her in the position of the man, you've put her in the masculine position of needing to provide the stability to stabilize you when what truly is needed is you need to provide stability into the marriage to stabilize her.
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:37.119
When you provide that stability and she stabilizes, that's when the marriage stabilizes.
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:41.359
So, what does healthy leadership actually look like?
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:52.880
Your stability creates her regulation, it creates her safety, and it creates her relational calm.
00:20:53.119 --> 00:21:03.519
She starts to calm down, she starts to feel safe in the marriage, and she starts to her nervous system starts to regulate within the marriage.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:08.880
Right now she's having to go outside of the marriage to get that regulation safety and emotional calm.
00:21:09.680 --> 00:21:11.119
This is very simple.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:21.359
Remove the conditions that are causing that dysregulation and that emotional storm in the marriage, and she does not have to go outside of the marriage anymore.
00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:23.119
Most of us just want stability.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:23.839
That's all we want.
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:26.799
We want certainty, we want stability, we want safety.
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:29.039
That's really what we want as human beings.
00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:33.039
And the way we create that for the woman is to do these things.
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:44.559
So what leadership is definitely not, it's not her emotional state controlling your behavior or uh stabilizing you, right?
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:46.640
Like if she's having a good day, you have a good day.
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.119
That's her controlling you, that's her control in the marriage.
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:54.079
This is not you demonstrating emotional sovereignty and masculine leadership.
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:58.240
This is you being completely dependent on her to regulate you.
00:21:58.480 --> 00:21:59.759
So stability flows from.
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:04.640
You into the relationship, not from the relationship into you.
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:13.200
Right now, what's going on is a situation where effectively you're looking at the fire and saying, Give me heat, fire, and then I'll put wood into you.
00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:17.519
Instead of putting the wood into the fire and the fire coming back out.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:23.519
You'll say into the relationship, relationship, give me stability and then I'll pump stability back into you.
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:25.279
This is backwards.
00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:26.720
This is a role inversion.
00:22:26.880 --> 00:22:31.279
So this consistency isn't about emotional suppression.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:32.799
It's not pretending you don't care.
00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.680
It's not about perfection, going, I can't mess up.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.559
It's not about robotic behavior or never feeling pain or feeling emotional.
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:44.000
Like, don't this is not about becoming devoid of emotion.
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:46.960
It's about learning to act in spite of your emotion.
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:49.200
Use your emotions as a data point.
00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:52.319
Use your emotions are instructional.
00:22:53.119 --> 00:23:00.640
They're useful in terms of getting data and evaluating the situation.
00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:03.359
They're not useful as a decision-making mechanism.
00:23:03.519 --> 00:23:08.240
They need they don't need to be suppressed or completely destroyed.
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:10.720
You need to be able to act in spite of them.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:15.920
A soldier advancing into fire in battle, he doesn't feel no fear, trust me.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:18.400
He feels fear, but he advances anyway.
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:19.039
Why?
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:23.839
Because he's he's has internal authority and he's rule-driven.
00:23:24.400 --> 00:23:31.359
He overrides his emotion, and a good soldier will execute consistently regardless of the fear and the emotion that he's feeling.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:34.880
He doesn't ignore those emotions or pretend they don't exist.
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:36.000
He feels immense fear.
00:23:36.079 --> 00:23:41.039
He's just able to override those emotions and act in spite of them.
00:23:41.279 --> 00:23:47.039
So it means disciplined execution, regardless of how you feel, emotional regulation, regardless of how you feel.
00:23:47.279 --> 00:23:48.480
Internal authority, right?
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:49.519
This is what we've just said.
00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:53.920
Can you advance into fire when every emotion inside of you tells you not to do it?
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:57.359
This is the this is the height of emotional or internal authority, right?
00:23:58.319 --> 00:24:08.400
If you can experience the most aggressive emotions telling you to turn around and run, and you're able to advance anyway, this is the this is the definition of internal authority.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:14.319
And behavior, independent of emotional weather, doesn't matter what direction the wind's blowing in, you're going to behave a certain way.
00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:18.000
The farmer gets up and executes regardless of what the weather is.
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:21.519
So, as always, let's ask the better question.
00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:23.680
Better results come from better questions.
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:29.359
So stop asking the question, what do I need to say to save this marriage?
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:34.960
And start arcs asking the question, can I execute stable behavior behavior regardless of emotion?
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:39.680
Most of you will find that the answer to that question is no right now.
00:24:39.759 --> 00:24:43.839
You can't behave, you can't execute in a stable way regardless of emotion.
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:44.960
You can't.
00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:48.000
And that tells us where we need to work, what we need to work on.
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:49.599
That's where we're at, right?
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:54.799
So uh I do have a, if you want to learn how to do that, then there is a workshop link in the description.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:56.240
Go ahead and grab that and we'll talk.
00:24:56.319 --> 00:24:58.880
I do talk in more detail on that.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:02.319
But let's just summarize what's going on here today.
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:09.200
Most men fail in trying to save their marriage because they misdiagnose the problem and then they execute inconsistently.
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:16.640
Emotional instability or inconsistent execution driven by emotion destroys trust with your wife.
00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:19.759
It destroys emotional trust, it destroys emotional safety.
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:34.559
The trust starts to rebuild through consistent behavior, through disciplined execution, devoid of emotion, and through building a true sense of internal authority, which allows you to behave as you choose, not as your emotions dictate.
00:25:35.279 --> 00:25:43.039
And to rebuild that emotional safety, stability under pressure is what creates it, not emotional intensity.
00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:47.200
Not going to her, showing her how much you care, becoming emotionally intense.
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.200
This is just more instability.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:53.119
So let's finish on this.
00:25:53.279 --> 00:26:04.960
Masculinity is the capacity to remain grounded, regulated, disciplined, and emotionally stable, independent of external conditions.
00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:12.559
Can you advance into fire when every fiber in your being is telling you to turn around and run?
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:22.559
If the answer is yes, then you are in possession of true masculinity, you are in possession of leadership capacity, and there's a good chance you can save this.
00:26:23.200 --> 00:26:27.119
If the answer is no, that's fine, but that's where we have to work, right?
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:28.960
If you're still emotionally driven, that's great.
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:35.839
That's we've got an accurate diagnosis now, and we can put a treatment plan together to get this to where it needs to be.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.279
So that's it from me.
00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:40.240
If you want help with this, check out the link in the description.
00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:41.759
Get the free workshop.
00:26:41.839 --> 00:26:48.319
And if you want more in information, if you want another video, I have a video here on uh building emotional safety.
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:50.720
Watch that, and I'll see you in the next video.
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:12.080
Hey, Cody Butler here, and today I'm going to talk to you about why most men fail to save their marriage in divorce crisis situations, when actually the reality is many of the situations could actually be turned around with the right strategy, with the right approach.
00:00:12.160 --> 00:00:17.039
And I'm just going to give you the answer up front and then we'll look at why it happens in the solution as we go through this video.
00:00:17.199 --> 00:00:23.280
So the reason most fail is because of inconsistent execution governed by emotion.
00:00:23.440 --> 00:00:26.960
It's not that you can't do it or you won't do it or you don't want to do it.
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:31.440
It's that the execution is inconsistent and it's not sustained enough.
00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:36.560
And the reason is because whether you execute or not is governed purely on how you feel in your emotions.
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:42.479
And if we can get a grip of this, then this is going to have massive repercussions across every aspect of your life.
00:00:42.640 --> 00:00:44.399
This goes way beyond marriage crisis.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:49.920
This speaks to business, to finances, to your health, to parenting, every domain of your life.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:07.040
This is how we think as men, right?
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:11.359
I'll just try harder, I'll say more, I'll promise what I need to promise.
00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:14.239
And they search endlessly for the solution.
00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:17.040
Like the solution is one thing that you go and get.
00:01:17.200 --> 00:01:21.280
Give me the script, give me the strategy, give me the whatever, and I'll do it.
00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:29.920
So they attempt to fix the situation by a checklist mentality, yet the situation continues to get worse.
00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:36.159
The wife keeps withdrawing from the marriage, she keeps pushing towards divorce or escalating the divorce.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:41.760
And emotional safety and the general condition of the marriage just continues on a downward trajectory, it keeps collapsing.
00:01:41.840 --> 00:01:48.640
So this can feel very unf very confusing to the man, very unfair, and it can have a feeling of hopelessness, right?
00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:50.719
Because he's trying, he's making an effort.
00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:57.680
You're making a genuine effort to save this marriage, and you know you are, but it's just not working and she's not responding.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:02:00.879
And it's again, it's not that she can't respond or she won't respond.
00:02:00.959 --> 00:02:08.240
She the the strategy that you're taking is incorrect right now, and we're in a cause and effect environment.
00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:11.120
The way she's responding is a result of how you act.
00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:14.560
And change how you act, change she'll change how she responds.
00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:15.439
So let's look at that.
00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:30.960
So what men tend to think is the cause of failure is not trying hard enough, not saying the right things, not acting quickly enough, or not fact not finding the correct strategy to save the marriage.
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:37.120
They think, well, if I can just say the right thing or do the right thing or promise the right thing, then this should turn around.
00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:40.240
But the truth of the matter is it's like the fly trying to escape the room.
00:02:40.400 --> 00:02:46.319
He flies against a closed window, hits his head against it, and doesn't break through, obviously.
00:02:46.400 --> 00:02:50.479
So he goes, I'll just try harder, flies against the window again, doesn't break through.
00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:54.319
He goes, I'll just fly faster, I'll just do it more often, I'll just make more effort.
00:02:54.479 --> 00:03:02.000
But the truth of the matter is the harder the try the fly tries to break out of that window, he's never gonna do it.
00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:05.439
No amount of effort is gonna get him through that window.
00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:08.080
In fact, the harder he tries, the quicker he's gonna die.
00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:18.000
But if that fly stopped for a second, looked off to the side and saw that the door was wide open, he could effortlessly fly out of an open door and achieve the result that he wants.
00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:19.759
And the same is true with marriage.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:27.840
When you understand the actual causes of the problems, the solution is not to try harder, to say the right things, to act more quickly, etc.
00:03:28.479 --> 00:03:32.560
It's to adjust your strategy and simply walk through the open door.
00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:38.479
So the thing is, most men think it's a missing conversation, a missing breakthrough, a key fix, a script, etc.
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:40.080
It's none of those things.
00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:45.599
So the first real failure that men make in this situation is they misdiagnose the problem, right?
00:03:45.680 --> 00:03:52.800
They try to fix the wrong hole and and they they frantically try to fix surface level issues.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:54.719
Just tell me what you want me to do.
00:03:54.879 --> 00:03:57.039
Do you need me to move the couch from here to there?
00:03:57.199 --> 00:03:58.479
Do you need me to paint the fence?
00:03:58.639 --> 00:04:00.080
Do you need me to take the trash out?
00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:01.680
What is it that you need me to do?
00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:05.439
Just tell me what you need from me, dear wife, and I'll give it to you.
00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:06.879
And I'm genuine in that.
00:04:06.960 --> 00:04:09.439
I really want to make you happy and just tell me what you need.
00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:14.879
But the problem is, these are all surface level issues because we're very transactional as men.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:22.560
We look at we look at the problems as fixable things, like let's move this from here to there, let's take a hammer and hit the nail, right?
00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:34.639
Whereas the real problem that she's looking for, uh, that she's looking to escape from is emotional instability, emotional pressure, and nervous system dysregulation caused by the condition of the marriage.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:40.079
And all of these continue unchecked and unchanged during this situation, right?
00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:46.639
So to put it another way, she's looking for, she's looking to divorce as a pressure release, release valve.
00:04:46.720 --> 00:04:52.399
It's not necessarily that she's choosing divorce because that's her first option.
00:04:52.480 --> 00:05:04.879
She's choosing divorce because the pressure within the marriage has reached a point that she can no longer handle, it's literally a survival situation at this point, and she cannot get that regulation and pressure relief within the marriage.
00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:15.040
So now she's looking at going outside of the marriage or leaving the marriage, not because she wants that, because this is the only option that she has to get that relief from the pressure.
00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:21.279
When you understand that saving your marriage is about releasing pressure, it's not about checklists, everything changes.
00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.480
So what is the mentality checklist?
00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:26.000
Well, as men, we love checklists, right?
00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:29.680
Especially if we're in business or you know, we're very productive.
00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:33.680
It's like, give me the checklist checklist, we'll check it off, and at the end of it, the task is done.
00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:37.839
So he thinks, well, tell me what to fix, tell me what to solve, tell me what to do here.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:38.399
What do you want?
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:39.040
What do you need?
00:05:39.120 --> 00:05:39.680
I'll do it.
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:41.360
I have no issue with doing it, I'll fix it.
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.360
And then we just move on beyond this, right?
00:05:43.439 --> 00:05:46.800
But this is not this is not what's going to save the marriage, right?
00:05:46.879 --> 00:05:52.079
The reality is she's not looking for one-time fixes, she's not looking for things to be done specifically.
00:05:52.240 --> 00:05:58.560
She's looking for sustained behavioral stability, emotional consistency, and embodied change over time.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:02.079
Now, this is the overtime part is the part that men really don't like, right?
00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:04.959
We just want to we we we're like a microwave.
00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:06.800
We just want it done in 30 seconds.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:08.720
We don't want to be the slow cooker.
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:17.519
But what she needs to feel safe again is to see embodied change over time, consistency, consistency, consistency.
00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:25.040
It's not about doing amazing things, it's not about doing remarkable things, it's about doing ordinary things remarkably consistently.
00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:31.199
And again, this is why the number one the recipe for failure is inconsistent execution governed by emotion.
00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:35.439
When you you can do the right thing, but you have to do it consistently over time.
00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:40.639
And if your emotions get in the way of that, as you're going to see coming up, it's going to be very problematic.
00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:52.480
So the reason that our efforts fail, even though a lot of people will watch my videos or the men that I work with, they'll go, Well, I did what you said, Cody, and it worked for a second, but it's not working anymore.
00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:55.040
It's like, well, it's because there's a lack of consistency.
00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:59.680
It's like the the execution of the principle is emotionally governed.
00:06:59.839 --> 00:07:04.720
So your behavior or the new behavior is simply based on your mood.
00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:08.079
It's based on the hopes, the hope condition of the marriage.
00:07:08.160 --> 00:07:16.800
If if you feel hopeful, if she's giving you hope, then you behave a certain way, which is very positive if she takes that hope away, then you behave another way that's very inconsistent.
00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:23.040
You behavior is based on fear, and it's also based on her reactions.
00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:25.279
If she has a good day, you have a consistent day.
00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:27.680
If she has a bad day, you have a very inconsistent day.
00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:32.639
Or in other words, there's really no internal authority going on inside of you.
00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:39.199
Whether your execution and whether your behavior is consistent is completely dependent on the environment, right?
00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:40.720
Completely dependent on emotion.
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:43.839
So there's simply no disciplined execution.
00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:51.199
The the key here is consistent execution devoid of emotion.
00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:54.959
So if you don't feel like it today, good, do it anyway.
00:07:55.279 --> 00:07:57.199
All hope has been removed from the relationship.
00:07:57.360 --> 00:07:59.120
Okay, fine, do it anyway.
00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:00.560
I'm scared, Cody.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:01.279
I understand.
00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:02.240
I'm scared too.
00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:04.000
Do it anyway, etc.
00:08:04.399 --> 00:08:04.639
etc.
00:08:04.879 --> 00:08:05.120
Right.
00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:10.720
There's no disciplined execution that all execution is based purely on how you feel.
00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:14.319
So what does emotional inconsistency look like?
00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:20.560
And again, this is what she needs to stay in this relationship: emotional consistency.
00:08:20.959 --> 00:08:23.519
Right now, you're providing emotional inconsistency.
00:08:23.680 --> 00:08:33.519
So the persona that you're looking to move into, the internal authority, emotional sovereignty that you're looking to adopt is a calmness.
00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:42.320
Uh not only when things feel hopeful, but also when they're when hope is taken away.
00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:49.279
So the inconsistently looks the inconsistency looks like collapse when divorce feels real.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:51.440
When that divorce feels real again, you just collapse.
00:08:51.519 --> 00:09:00.240
It's you you you feel positive and you're able to control and regulate yourself when she's responding well to the situation, but when she isn't, you can't.
00:09:00.480 --> 00:09:06.000
You become angry or depressed, or you you become very negative when she withdraws.
00:09:06.080 --> 00:09:10.480
Your mood is completely dependent on whether she's coming towards you or moving away.
00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:19.600
You're able to provide stabilizing behavior to the relationship only when it's convenient, meaning only when the mood takes you.
00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:22.639
Destabilizing behavior returns under pressure.
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:29.519
Again, a lot of the men that I work with, they do very well when things are going well.
00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:32.159
But this is not the measure of who you are as a man.
00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:34.960
We find out who you are when the pressure arises.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:40.799
It's not when you've had a good night's sleep and a full belly of food and everything's going well and you're behaving well.
00:09:41.039 --> 00:09:46.159
We don't say that the man's behaving well in that it is behaves well consistently.
00:09:46.399 --> 00:09:52.639
It's when he's hungry, when he's tired, when he's cold, when she removes all hope from the relationship.
00:09:52.879 --> 00:09:55.279
When he finds out that she's spoken to a lawyer.
00:09:55.360 --> 00:09:57.120
This is when we find out who you really are.
00:09:57.279 --> 00:09:59.679
Can you stabilize yourself in that situation?
00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:07.120
Can you be a stabilizing force when every every emotion inside of you wants to fall apart and collapse?
00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:11.039
If you can, then you stand a chance of saving this marriage.
00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:12.799
So this is like the gym, right?
00:10:12.879 --> 00:10:15.200
Saving the marriage is like going to the gym.
00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:23.120
And it's like saying to your wife, I'm serious about change, I'm serious about losing weight, I'm serious about getting healthy, and I'm going to go to the gym five days a week.
00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:25.120
And you mean it, you really do.
00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:41.279
But you set the alarm clock for 5 a.m., the alarm clock goes off, and you tell yourself a story, you go back to sleep because you feel tired, or you tell yourself a story about it's not good to push yourself when you feel this way, or you'll do it later in the afternoon.
00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:48.720
Whatever story you manage to tell yourself, you go back to sleep, you hit the snooze, or you turn the alarm off and you go back to sleep.
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:54.159
And the reality is you were serious about changing.
00:10:54.399 --> 00:11:03.039
You you made a plan to change, you put all the conditions in place for the change to take place, but you failed to execute because of emotion.
00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:05.200
You were tired in this case.
00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:10.080
I had every intention of doing the right thing, but emotion got in the way.
00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:15.840
The man that saves his marriage, metaphorically, doesn't care that he feels tired.
00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:19.919
He says, I'm getting up at five o'clock no matter what, I'm going to the gym no matter what.
00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:25.519
The great example here, I I love farmers because they understand this inherently.
00:11:25.759 --> 00:11:28.960
That those cows need feeding every day at 5 a.m.
00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:29.600
regardless.
00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:42.000
Doesn't matter if he's sick, doesn't matter if he's tired, doesn't matter if it's snowing, raining, the sun's shining, doesn't matter if it's winter, doesn't matter if it's summer, doesn't matter if there's a pandemic going on, doesn't matter if the world's at war.
00:11:42.320 --> 00:11:50.240
He has to get up at 5 o'clock and go feed those cows every single day, irrespective of how he feels.
00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:56.720
Farmers are the perfect example of consistent execution devoid of emotion.
00:11:56.960 --> 00:12:06.159
If you can get that mentality in your relationship of consistent execution devoid of emotion, you are in a very, very good position to save your marriage.
00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:16.639
So the marriage equivalent here is like the man promises changes, he means them too, he's well-meaning, but he emotionally collapses under the pressure and he abandons consistency when it becomes difficult.
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:28.000
At five o'clock, when that alarm clock goes off and it's cold and you're tired, you abandon the consistency because your emotions take over and you submit yourself to your emotions, not to your will.
00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:34.960
So the real breakdown here is truly that he's governed by emotion, not rules and stability.
00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:37.679
Yeah, not rules, discipline, internal authority.
00:12:37.840 --> 00:12:47.120
So what's actually happening here is external conditions are controlling your behavior, they're controlling your nervous system, and they're controlling your consistency.
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:50.639
Internal authority, internal sovereignty says, I'm gonna do it regardless.
00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:53.120
I'm gonna do it by demand, not by feelings.
00:12:53.200 --> 00:12:55.519
I'm gonna do it because I demand it of myself.
00:12:55.679 --> 00:13:03.200
I'm gonna do it because I have the internal discipline and the internal authority and strength to do it regardless.
00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:06.320
I'm gonna get up at five o'clock and go to the gym regardless.
00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:08.720
I'm gonna feed those cows regardless.
00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:19.519
I'm gonna behave in a consistent, restrained, stabilizing way within this marriage, regardless of how the marriage behaves back to me.
00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:24.000
I'm gonna bring stability to the marriage, I'm not gonna take stability from the marriage.
00:13:25.840 --> 00:13:33.840
So why does it destroy trust when you lack this internal authority to execute consistently or your execution is purely based on emotion?
00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:39.120
It's it's because you're she she can't trust emotionally conditional behavior.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:45.919
Effectively, what you're saying in this situation is I I'll give you everything you want, but it's conditional.
00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:52.720
It's conditional on you giving me positive vibes, it's conditional on me feeling secure in this relationship.
00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:59.120
So what she experiences is instability, unpredictability, and uh temporary transformation, right?
00:14:00.559 --> 00:14:05.440
This is why we hear things like, I see your changes, I can see that you're making an effort and I appreciate it.
00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:11.759
You might hear something like, The next person that you're with, I'm truly happy for them, they're gonna really benefit from this.
00:14:12.000 --> 00:14:18.080
Because they they see the change, but they do not believe the change is permanent.
00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:25.840
Because you're still emotionally governed and regulated at this point versus being governed by internal authority.
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:31.759
You're a man that gets blown around by the wind instead of being the storm, the shelter from the storm.
00:14:33.200 --> 00:14:40.559
So what happens is that she sees that your positive behavior is emotionally dependent and it's not character-driven.
00:14:40.639 --> 00:14:44.320
You don't behave that way because that's who you are and you're gonna choose it regardless.
00:14:44.480 --> 00:14:47.840
You behave that way because the wind is blowing in the right, right direction.
00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:58.159
So, real change is not about emotional intensity, it's not let me show her how much I love her, making promises, I'll do this, this, and this, short-term effort, or panic-driven motivation.
00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:06.240
All of these things simply communicate to her that you're inherently unstable.
00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:11.759
Real real change is stable execution, consistent behavior, devoid of emotion.
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:17.600
It's disciplined action, devoid of emotion, and it's emotional regulation under pressure.
00:15:17.919 --> 00:15:20.080
Again, think about the farmer.
00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:22.799
This is what you need to become.
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:38.720
I'm gonna get up at five o'clock, regardless of the conditions, regardless of my condition, and I'm gonna execute disciplined, consistent execution, regardless of the emotional state under it, driving it.
00:15:38.799 --> 00:15:44.000
You get control of yourself and you go, I'm gonna execute regardless of how I feel today.
00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:47.840
So the critical principle here is we've talked about this, right?
00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:59.519
True character, who you actually are, which is who your wife is responding to, not who you think you are or who you're telling her you you are or who you're projecting that you're gonna be.
00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:05.039
She's responding to your true character, and that is revealed when emotions no longer support the behavior.
00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:10.320
What does that mean when emotions no longer support the behavior?
00:16:10.799 --> 00:16:21.840
When when your emotions tell you that this marriage is hopeless, that this situation is hopeless, and you behave in a way that's concrete completely contrary to those emotions.
00:16:22.080 --> 00:16:25.120
You behave in a way that is productive and supportive.
00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:31.600
When emotions no longer support the behavior, the behavior is getting up at five o'clock in the morning to go to the gym.
00:16:32.159 --> 00:16:40.799
When your emotions, which tell you you're tired right now, no longer support that behavior of getting up, the behavior wins, not the emotion.
00:16:41.519 --> 00:16:53.519
So stability as a man, which ultimately this is what your wife is craving from you, and it's why she's leaving the relationship, because she's going to get far more stability being outside of the relationship than being in it.
00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:59.679
Stability means doing the right thing for one reason and one reason only, because it's the right thing to do.
00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:02.559
These videos are a great example, right?
00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:09.680
I've committed to posting two videos, making two videos a week and posting them regardless of who watches them.
00:17:09.839 --> 00:17:12.480
If zero people watch it, I'll still do it.
00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:19.599
When it feels hopeless, when it feels like nobody's gonna watch it, when it feels like nobody's gonna respond, I'm gonna make the video and I'm gonna post.
00:17:20.079 --> 00:17:21.359
Regardless.
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:25.279
Because I've decided that that's what I'm gonna do.
00:17:25.440 --> 00:17:31.599
Now I'm gonna execute consistently regardless of how I feel or what the situation is telling me.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:53.440
So again, it's doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do, not because she rewards it, not because you're getting something out of it, not because it feels good, not because you're getting results or you can see that it's working, but simply because I'm committed to that and I'm a man that operates on executional discipline, not emotional stimulation.
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:58.079
So we gotta rebuild trust in this marriage, right?
00:17:58.240 --> 00:17:59.759
She needs to trust you again.
00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:05.359
And more explicitly, she needs to trust your behavior.
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:07.440
When when you say you're gonna do something, you do it.
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:10.960
When she she needs to know who's showing up, who's she gonna get.
00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:17.359
So what actually rebuilds trust is not promising anything, it's not saying I'll do this and this.
00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:20.000
It's behavioral consistency over time.
00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:28.240
It's seeing that it's her seeing that you're gonna follow through regardless.
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:30.799
It's emotional neutrality and execution.
00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:33.519
The farmer is emotionally neutral to the situation.
00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:36.319
If he feels good, he gets up and goes feeds the cows.
00:18:36.480 --> 00:18:39.200
If he feels bad, he gets up and goes feeds the cows.
00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:43.200
He's completely emotionally neutral to the execution of the act.
00:18:43.759 --> 00:18:57.359
This is this is where trust really starts to rebuild with your wife, is when you act from a place of emotional neutrality in your execution and you stabilize regardless of the outcome, regardless of your own fear, uncertainty, and her reactions.
00:18:57.440 --> 00:18:58.559
We all have these things, right?
00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:00.000
We're all fearful.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:03.839
We're all we all have to deal with uncertainty.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:07.519
We all get reactions that we're not looking for or don't want from her.
00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:08.960
But can we stabilize?
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:14.480
Can we react consistently in a way that stabilizes her, regardless?
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:20.640
In other words, can we can we execute consistently regardless of emotion?
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:23.759
This is embodied leadership when we do this.
00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:27.279
This is internal authority, this is masculinity, right?
00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:38.480
So the deeper understanding to take away from this is as long as your behavior depends on her moods, her validations, her reactions, your feelings, in other words, she is still regulating you.
00:19:38.720 --> 00:19:46.559
She is still the one stabilizing the relationship, and she is the she is the emotional environment of the marriage.
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:58.000
She's having to create when when she stabilizes herself and she can give you that that positive feedback, then you're able to stabilize.
00:19:58.079 --> 00:20:05.440
You're effectively you're taking stability from the relationship instead of giving it to the relationship, which is ultimately your role.
00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:12.240
This is your role, this is your masculine role, this is your role as the man in the relationship, is to provide that emotional stability.
00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:15.839
So effectively, we've still got a major role inversion going on.
00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:32.319
You've put her in the position of the man, you've put her in the masculine position of needing to provide the stability to stabilize you when what truly is needed is you need to provide stability into the marriage to stabilize her.
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:37.119
When you provide that stability and she stabilizes, that's when the marriage stabilizes.
00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:41.359
So, what does healthy leadership actually look like?
00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:52.880
Your stability creates her regulation, it creates her safety, and it creates her relational calm.
00:20:53.119 --> 00:21:03.519
She starts to calm down, she starts to feel safe in the marriage, and she starts to her nervous system starts to regulate within the marriage.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:08.880
Right now she's having to go outside of the marriage to get that regulation safety and emotional calm.
00:21:09.680 --> 00:21:11.119
This is very simple.
00:21:11.359 --> 00:21:21.359
Remove the conditions that are causing that dysregulation and that emotional storm in the marriage, and she does not have to go outside of the marriage anymore.
00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:23.119
Most of us just want stability.
00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:23.839
That's all we want.
00:21:23.920 --> 00:21:26.799
We want certainty, we want stability, we want safety.
00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:29.039
That's really what we want as human beings.
00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:33.039
And the way we create that for the woman is to do these things.
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:44.559
So what leadership is definitely not, it's not her emotional state controlling your behavior or uh stabilizing you, right?
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:46.640
Like if she's having a good day, you have a good day.
00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:49.119
That's her controlling you, that's her control in the marriage.
00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:54.079
This is not you demonstrating emotional sovereignty and masculine leadership.
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:58.240
This is you being completely dependent on her to regulate you.
00:21:58.480 --> 00:21:59.759
So stability flows from.
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:04.640
You into the relationship, not from the relationship into you.
00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:13.200
Right now, what's going on is a situation where effectively you're looking at the fire and saying, Give me heat, fire, and then I'll put wood into you.
00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:17.519
Instead of putting the wood into the fire and the fire coming back out.
00:22:17.759 --> 00:22:23.519
You'll say into the relationship, relationship, give me stability and then I'll pump stability back into you.
00:22:24.240 --> 00:22:25.279
This is backwards.
00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:26.720
This is a role inversion.
00:22:26.880 --> 00:22:31.279
So this consistency isn't about emotional suppression.
00:22:31.359 --> 00:22:32.799
It's not pretending you don't care.
00:22:32.880 --> 00:22:35.680
It's not about perfection, going, I can't mess up.
00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.559
It's not about robotic behavior or never feeling pain or feeling emotional.
00:22:40.720 --> 00:22:44.000
Like, don't this is not about becoming devoid of emotion.
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:46.960
It's about learning to act in spite of your emotion.
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:49.200
Use your emotions as a data point.
00:22:49.279 --> 00:22:52.319
Use your emotions are instructional.
00:22:53.119 --> 00:23:00.640
They're useful in terms of getting data and evaluating the situation.
00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:03.359
They're not useful as a decision-making mechanism.
00:23:03.519 --> 00:23:08.240
They need they don't need to be suppressed or completely destroyed.
00:23:08.400 --> 00:23:10.720
You need to be able to act in spite of them.
00:23:10.960 --> 00:23:15.920
A soldier advancing into fire in battle, he doesn't feel no fear, trust me.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:18.400
He feels fear, but he advances anyway.
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:19.039
Why?
00:23:19.200 --> 00:23:23.839
Because he's he's has internal authority and he's rule-driven.
00:23:24.400 --> 00:23:31.359
He overrides his emotion, and a good soldier will execute consistently regardless of the fear and the emotion that he's feeling.
00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:34.880
He doesn't ignore those emotions or pretend they don't exist.
00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:36.000
He feels immense fear.
00:23:36.079 --> 00:23:41.039
He's just able to override those emotions and act in spite of them.
00:23:41.279 --> 00:23:47.039
So it means disciplined execution, regardless of how you feel, emotional regulation, regardless of how you feel.
00:23:47.279 --> 00:23:48.480
Internal authority, right?
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:49.519
This is what we've just said.
00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:53.920
Can you advance into fire when every emotion inside of you tells you not to do it?
00:23:54.079 --> 00:23:57.359
This is the this is the height of emotional or internal authority, right?
00:23:58.319 --> 00:24:08.400
If you can experience the most aggressive emotions telling you to turn around and run, and you're able to advance anyway, this is the this is the definition of internal authority.
00:24:08.559 --> 00:24:14.319
And behavior, independent of emotional weather, doesn't matter what direction the wind's blowing in, you're going to behave a certain way.
00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:18.000
The farmer gets up and executes regardless of what the weather is.
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:21.519
So, as always, let's ask the better question.
00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:23.680
Better results come from better questions.
00:24:23.759 --> 00:24:29.359
So stop asking the question, what do I need to say to save this marriage?
00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:34.960
And start arcs asking the question, can I execute stable behavior behavior regardless of emotion?
00:24:35.200 --> 00:24:39.680
Most of you will find that the answer to that question is no right now.
00:24:39.759 --> 00:24:43.839
You can't behave, you can't execute in a stable way regardless of emotion.
00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:44.960
You can't.
00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:48.000
And that tells us where we need to work, what we need to work on.
00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:49.599
That's where we're at, right?
00:24:49.759 --> 00:24:54.799
So uh I do have a, if you want to learn how to do that, then there is a workshop link in the description.
00:24:54.960 --> 00:24:56.240
Go ahead and grab that and we'll talk.
00:24:56.319 --> 00:24:58.880
I do talk in more detail on that.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:02.319
But let's just summarize what's going on here today.
00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:09.200
Most men fail in trying to save their marriage because they misdiagnose the problem and then they execute inconsistently.
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:16.640
Emotional instability or inconsistent execution driven by emotion destroys trust with your wife.
00:25:16.799 --> 00:25:19.759
It destroys emotional trust, it destroys emotional safety.
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:34.559
The trust starts to rebuild through consistent behavior, through disciplined execution, devoid of emotion, and through building a true sense of internal authority, which allows you to behave as you choose, not as your emotions dictate.
00:25:35.279 --> 00:25:43.039
And to rebuild that emotional safety, stability under pressure is what creates it, not emotional intensity.
00:25:43.200 --> 00:25:47.200
Not going to her, showing her how much you care, becoming emotionally intense.
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:49.200
This is just more instability.
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:53.119
So let's finish on this.
00:25:53.279 --> 00:26:04.960
Masculinity is the capacity to remain grounded, regulated, disciplined, and emotionally stable, independent of external conditions.
00:26:05.279 --> 00:26:12.559
Can you advance into fire when every fiber in your being is telling you to turn around and run?
00:26:12.720 --> 00:26:22.559
If the answer is yes, then you are in possession of true masculinity, you are in possession of leadership capacity, and there's a good chance you can save this.
00:26:23.200 --> 00:26:27.119
If the answer is no, that's fine, but that's where we have to work, right?
00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:28.960
If you're still emotionally driven, that's great.
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:35.839
That's we've got an accurate diagnosis now, and we can put a treatment plan together to get this to where it needs to be.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:37.279
So that's it from me.
00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:40.240
If you want help with this, check out the link in the description.
00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:41.759
Get the free workshop.
00:26:41.839 --> 00:26:48.319
And if you want more in information, if you want another video, I have a video here on uh building emotional safety.
00:26:48.480 --> 00:26:50.720
Watch that, and I'll see you in the next video.
