112: Not Defined by Failures, Tonya Peck

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Welcome to One80.
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Transforming testimonies from next door to across the globe.
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Share One80 with a friend.
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It might be the best news they hear today.
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From the a very early age, I don't really feel like I ever knew what kids were supposed to be doing.
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Christian high school and a teen pregnancy.
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One bad decision, and Tonya Peck thought she blew it.
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But Tonya will tell you now that our failures don't define us.
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Jesus does.
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Welcome to Tonya's One80.
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I grew up in the Midwest, and I had a sister, and we had a lot of, I would say, chaos in our lives.
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We had several marriages and divorces from my mother just being, you know, kind of searching, I think, for her significance and for her worth and for her confidence.
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And that led to a lot of unrest in our home where we all were kind of, I guess, self-sufficient.
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We relied on each other.
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And church was something that we did on the holidays.
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But otherwise, we really just were kind of in survival mode, you know, growing up.
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We took one day at a time.
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We didn't have really a sense of security.
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And so as a result, that really left me longing for someone to lean on and to count on to trust.
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And because I didn't have the faith piece in my life at that point and really a guidance in that way, or anyone in my life that was really able to share that piece, then I started to kind of connect the dots unhealthily and see that I needed that male figure.
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And I was searching for a relationship and really turned that into, you know, the boyfriend, girlfriend type relationships, you know, as I got older and finding security and just confidence in that.
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That was kind of who I was or who I found I was to be.
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So really finding not a healthy perspective and source of that security, really, which kind of led me down a lot of wrong paths.
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I wanted to leave a situation before it left me.
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So I was kind of always on the defense and making sure I was protecting myself.
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So I feel like there was a lot of self-protection going on, just self-reliance going on.
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I didn't have really anyone else that I felt like could put my faith or trust in without it being taken advantage of in some way.
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So that was kind of how we started, I guess.
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It was a lot of my mom, my sister, and me, a lot of influx with husbands or stepdads, if you will, coming in and out of the home.
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One of the stepdads had alcoholism.
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My mom kind of has always battled with mental health concerns.
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And so it was just, you know, not really sure where the next day was going.
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So when you're sharing your testimony, I'm just gonna take you through Tonya's a little bit.
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It's really good at this part, this before Christ part, to also establish your view on God or Jesus if you had one.
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So that's what Tonya is going to elaborate on next.
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I would say during this time, we didn't really have a lot of knowledge about faith things.
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I wasn't shared that there was a God or Jesus or a relationship aspect that was available.
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For people, it was more of a Sunday.
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That's some people go to church because that's what their family did, not because there was really any other significance to it.
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So with our family, it was really only the ceremonial aspects, but we did move into a new neighborhood when I was maybe mid-elementary school.
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And that was the first time that maybe I was exposed to more about Jesus.
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And our neighbor took us to an event at the church, and that was when they had the Thief in the Night uh series.
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And so I saw that, but it was more of a fear-based experience because in that series, it's like the left behind, where, you know, people that believe in Jesus are taken to heaven and those that didn't, you know, are left behind.
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And so I think it was again more of seeing that there was a Jesus and there was a God, but it was maybe pursuing a relationship because you wanted to not be left, you know, and not endure all the things of the world that would happen afterwards.
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So there was a little glimpse of a kind of that next step, but again, not necessarily as a provider and a savior and, you know, um someone that was a restorer.
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It was more of just this person in the sky that had a lot of authority and a lot of power.
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And if you wanted to be a part of that, then you had to believe.
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Something I like to tell our guests.
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When we're telling our story, it's not necessarily your whole life story.
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You jump around when you're sharing your testimony.
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So you can go from like when Jesus was 13 to all of a sudden he's 30 in the Bible.
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You can do that with your testimony to the salient points of your coming to Jesus story.
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So we'll see that here in this story.
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So as we continued on, you know, I'm getting older and again, just different marriages, divorces, all those types of things, and I really started to search a little bit further.
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And in junior high, I was seeking relationships and seeking validation and was often in more of a physical realm.
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And one season I told my family that I was going to trick and doing those things after school, and they found out.
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And honestly, that was kind of the turning point where I found that the things that I was doing and the things that I thought were filling me up were not the path that I wanted to continue.
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That it really just left me more empty and more searching than it did leave me fulfilled.
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So, in that kind of revelation, there was a situation where I told my parents that I was going, you know, to track and I was really hanging out with boys.
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And then they found that that was not the case.
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And that kind of highlighted that there was some more going on than what meets the eye.
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And so I think until then they felt like I was going to school, doing all the things, you know, that you should be doing homework, friends, all of that.
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So they took me to counseling.
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We tried counseling for a while, and ultimately they decided that we need to start attending church.
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So as I started attending church and becoming more a part of the youth group and seeing a difference in them, then I had that choice of I could continue down the path where God wasn't involved.
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There was that searching for significance that was not filling me, that was actually leaving me more empty, or seeing this at church, this different experience where there were kids my age there that were loving life.
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They were having fun, they were going to movies, they were, you know, they were doing things I think that kids are supposed to be doing.
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But when you're kind of grown up to be an adult from the a very early age, I don't really feel like I ever knew what kids were supposed to be doing.
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I thought I was an adult, like at five, and I was always doing adult things.
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Up until going and being a part of that youth group, I didn't see that there could be a difference.
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I didn't see that having a relationship with God, you know, could bring that fulfillment and could bring love, you know, friendship love that was unconditional, that wasn't reciprocal, that you didn't have to bring something to the relationship in order to be accepted or a part of the group.
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And so that was really eye-opening.
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And they just had a piece about them that I had never seen before.
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And that is something that I wanted.
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And through learning more about what it means to have a relationship with Christ and, you know, really following him in that way rather than the previous experience of one, you're just doing it because it's holiday, you know, or and it's Christmas or Easter and it's the thing that all the neighbors are doing.
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Or two, that it was more of that thief in the night, like a power that really is not a relational God, but one that is more of a judging God.
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And so this was really the first time that I was able to see that there is that all-encompassing relationship, you know, love, you know, forgiveness, unconditional aspect to our faith.
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And just being who you are and being accepted for that, that I wanted.
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And it was amazing.
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And that group of kids at that time really, really changed my life.
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So we ended up going to uh was a church camp and uh got baptized.
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And so that was amazing.
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I asked Tonya here what happened, what clicked with her before she got baptized.
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And she said she had been in the word and really devouring it.
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Then she's explaining what happens as a result of that before this baptism, what led up to it and what preceded it.
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So when I went to the camp, the first time, and I'm not a camper, like I like air conditioning and hotels.
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So it's like God changes you in lots of ways.
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You're like, okay, what was something that maybe you never would have considered?
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Seems like a really great idea.
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So went that summer to camp and again, just kind of had those opportunities where there's campfires and there's worship and just friendships.
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And as a result of meeting those kids, there were some that went to a private school.
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So I decided to pursue the Christian education and be surrounded with like-minded individuals.
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So I felt like the Christian high school would give me a little more support and encouragement as I continued to grow in my faith.
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I started to pursue singing and in junior high, I really felt like one of my spiritual gifts that God had given me during that time was just the use of my voice.
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And I was able to participate then in other ways, whether it be in our high school with our singing group and ministering to others, doing those types of things, but also at the Christian camp, being able to be a part of the worship and really starting to find my fit, if you will, and finding that this is where my sweet spot was and just feeling that peace and that knowing and that safety that I had never felt before.
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And there was an opportunity at towards the end of camp to be baptized and again to just make that commitment publicly, to, you know, kind of go all in and with your friends and leaders and really be able to have that special time with those people.
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And so I decided to do it with them as a witness and just feel like it was an opportunity to start fresh and release all of the maybe the things or the habits or the patterns or the thoughts from before that I had developed and just start fresh and have a new opportunity to be an example to those around me and show how my life has become positive and more free as a result of the relationship with God.
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So one of the things that I've relied on really through this whole process is Romans 8.28, just that all things work together for good.
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And we can have stories in our lives that may not be ideal, but he can bring those about in his way and his time to be able to reflect his glory and his hand in our journey in our life, if we let him.
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So Romans 8.28 has been very impactful.
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So Christian High School, it was great in the beginning.
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It was fun.
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And being in a smaller setting, you're able to have a lot of experiences that maybe you wouldn't have in a larger setting.
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So it was amazing.
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And I am very glad that I made that decision and kind of continued through my sophomore junior year that summer.
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I was able to tour with the Continental Singers.
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And I don't know if you even know who that is.
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It's back in the day, they're called Continental Singers, and they're a Christian organization that's purpose was to bring the gospel to those around the world.
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It was a thing.
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It was like a very thorough interview process and to be selected, it was just like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.
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We spent half the summer in the United States and then went overseas for a month and went to Austria, Yugoslavia, and Switzerland.
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And so we went into really remote villages and it was a there was a theme.
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There was like a production, if you will, that we all learned ahead of time.
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So that was an amazing opportunity to be able to really see the world, but then also be able to use your gifts that you know God had given us and continue to worship and share and minister to others.
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So that was an amazing opportunity.
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And then came back my senior year, and it, you know, the summer was so high.
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And I think coming back to that can be challenging, you know, when you're on like that kind of mountaintop experience and you wish you could stay on that forever.
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But we have to come back home.
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And that's that's a good thing.
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But there were some life challenges early in my senior year that I didn't handle well.
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And it kind of sent me back to maybe old habits.
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Sometimes I feel like our Christian faith, we feel like it should be linear, where you know, we just continue to grow, grow, grow, grow, grow.
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What Tonya says is so true.
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Very often a Christian, especially a new believer's life is not linear.
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So we go from very often receiving Christ and having that be a profound experience that's life-changing to a downward turn, actually kind of stepping away from our faith.
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And we have a word for that on our show.
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We call it a reckoning.
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And so here is Tanya's reckoning, but take heart, she does come back to the Lord and it's really good.
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So when I hit a stumbling block in that early senior year, unfortunately, my attitude was kind of like, well, I blew it.
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Like I'm not a good Christian anymore because I made a mistake.
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So in my mind, I was like, well, you know, I'm either like a good Christian that follows Jesus and, you know, does the right things, may, you know, have a sin that in you ask for forgiveness and you start again the next day.
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And I just felt for whatever reason in that fall of my senior year that the mistake that I had made was too big to be forgiven for.
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And I just instead of seeing that and recognizing that and turning and making the next day a fresh start, I continued to kind of spiral and go backwards in my spiritual journey and just go back to old habits of finding my hope and my security in relationships and in physical relationships and just kind of getting lost in that again and keeping it hidden.
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I don't know how else to say it.
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It just you kind of start on that downhill.
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And if you don't catch yourself, then you keep just keep going and you're not really sure how you got there, but you wake up one day and life looks a lot different.
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So as it evolved, then there were a couple boyfriends and you know, I had a couple of physical relationships, and and when I became a Christian, that had happened before.
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And whenever I accepted Christ, I kind of rededicated, you know, that part of my life to God, saying, I recognize that the past is the past and I know better now.
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Like I'm made new, and old habits are not going to be my new habits.
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And then when I, you know, kind of fell off of that commitment to myself, then again, instead of asking for forgiveness and getting the support that I needed, I just kind of let that be the catalyst to just continue.
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So in spring, there was a boy eventually right before we graduated, I found out that I was pregnant.
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Initially, you know, kind of why me?
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We may compare, you know, with other people.
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And there might be people that are doing similar things, but not getting that result.
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So it's kind of like, why am I being punished?
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Because some sins are more noticeable than others, you know.
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And obviously, pregnancy is one that's hard to hide.
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And so, yeah, definitely feeling like why me, feeling like I was being punished.
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I would say with my faith, I was quite angry, you know, angry and just disappointed.
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I would say more with myself.
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Okay, I'm just gonna kill myself, you know, like it would be easier to not have to face the music of what this is gonna happen and just be done.
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And that was a fleeting thought, but it wasn't a serious one.
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And I honestly think that he got my attention through that unplanned pregnancy because I was like warm me thinking I was safe, but him thinking, okay, you know, we need to wake you up here and get you back on track.
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And so that happened.
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And honestly, it was a big wake-up call.
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Obviously, it was unexpected, and I disappointed a lot of people in terms of friends and family and you know, students that looked up to me for the position that I held in school in terms of, you know, being in the music group and being kind of an example in the Continental Singers, you know, for traveling, for like having all these opportunities I should have been grateful for, and I didn't use it the way that I should have.
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And I chose to choose my own path.
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And as a result, it was just a hard, it was hard couple months in the church that we were at and the school that we were at.
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It was kind of a culture of denial and of hiding.
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So you just kind of had to keep a low profile, get through graduation, like don't tell anybody what's really going on because they wouldn't accept you or love you.
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So that was kind of how I unfortunately ended my senior year, where it started out so good and with all the promise, and then just kind of allowing really myself and the enemy to kind of feed me those lies.
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I really feel like that, you know, okay, you messed up.
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Now you're done.
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You know, you're not worthy.
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God doesn't want you anymore.
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You know, there's no way that you can come back from it.
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Like, you know, your commitment wasn't real.
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Like all the things that the enemy can use in our minds to start twisting and turning what was originally good and amazing to keep us start feeling down.
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It just really kept me from growing in my relationship.
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And it just kind of stayed stuck for a long time.
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We had other people that would talk to me, obviously friends and well-meaning family that had every idea under the sun, you know, that were trying, you know, in terms of ending the pregnancy, adoption, having the baby and getting married, or having the baby staying single, and you know, all of those thoughts, which were very overwhelming and they were well-meaning.
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So after the dust settled, um, I got engaged to this person, and we were gonna go ahead and get married and you know, have a family.
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And then about three months later, I had a miscarriage, becoming okay with the the new situation and you know, um, moving forward in that way, and then having the miscarriage, it kind of just felt like, why did all of that happen?
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You know, why why did I end up having to disappoint my family and my parents and my grandparents and my friends, and just kind of going through all of that experience and stress if the end result was there was no baby, you know?
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After I got pregnant, you know, I recognized that that I was wrong in following the things that I followed, but also, you know, kind of thanked him for getting me attention, bringing me back to him.
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Um, I leaned on Psalm 46, 10, like, be still and know that I am God.
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And I actually have that tattooed on my side, like be still and know, because there are those moments in our life where we don't know why it's happening, how it's gonna end, where it's gonna lead, but just trusting him and knowing that being still in that moment, whether it's a day, a week, a year, you know, sometimes we don't get those answers, maybe ever, for why things happen in our lives, but just leaning on that understanding and trying to be patient and just taking one day at a time.
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So I definitely leaned back on that.
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Like in the beginning, we talked about how all things work together for good, and you know, kind of bringing the story of the broken home and figuring out how all of that meshed together to bring me to the church, to bring me to that faith and the new freedom that I had.
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And now being still, knowing that again, in kind of the mess, if you will, and seeing that there was still an opportunity to make that a message of God's redemption and his forgiveness and his love, and just guiding us to the next best thing and being an example for others that are going through those types of things.
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I went back to school, I ended up meeting my now husband.
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Thankfully, my husband, who is not someone that maybe I would have chosen, which probably is again a God thing, because clearly I probably don't have the best, you know, I don't know, uh, radar or something.
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So we met and, you know, of course, shared all parts of me, and he was accepting and loving and, you know, forgiving of the things that I had gone through.
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And we got married and we will be married almost 35 years.
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And so that has been amazing.
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And again, just such an answer to prayer that your past doesn't have to define, you know, your present or your future, and that whatever you've gone through, that God can heal those things and can set you up for success for future generational blessing and to show our kids, you know, what a healthy relationship looks like, one that has conflict and resolution because we didn't see that, you know, growing up.
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Like if there was a conflict, the next thing I knew they were getting a divorce.
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So there was a lot of things that maybe weren't modeled in a sit in a relationship situation that we've been able to do that for our kids.
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And both of our kids are married and they have great relationships.
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And again, hopefully for our grandkids to see that, you know, there is a different way.
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So it's been amazing to see how God has really come through in so many different areas of my life and be able to hopefully minister to others.
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Next, Tonya has advice for us.
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If we know people around us who are backsliding, how to handle it better than it was handled in her life.
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And if I would have been able to talk to someone sooner and maybe share that and kind of gotten the truth, you know, from them, from like a church leader or a mentor or someone rather than just keeping that internal, I think that that would have helped me move forward so much faster.
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So I definitely would encourage anyone that, you know, is backsliding, if you will, or that they're in, you know, a situation that no one would understand, that there's someone that is gonna understand and there's someone in your life that will love you unconditionally and will help you through that and pray with you through that and be by your side to to help you see the good that, you know, God will bring from it at some point.
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As a result of being interested in really helping others and sharing, you know, what God has blessed me with, being positive and being a part of their process, I really started feeling led to continue that encouraging and that mentorship, but more recently more of a life coach and just helping those women that may have had similar journeys, whether dealing with, you know, past shame or guilt or disappointment or regret, and they just haven't been able to push through that, or maybe things are going well and they just want to figure out what's next.
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And so it's been a really great kind of full circle moment to be able to again take the things that I've experienced and help others through that and share my story and hope.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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Um, it's been great to share my story, and I hope that it is an encouragement to you.
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Thanks for listening to One80 today.
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