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Hot apple pie, simple as that. That's what I'm gonna have,
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maybe even with a piece of cheese on. We used
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to do that at the restaurant. I never understood the
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attraction until I tried it, and then I thought, Wow,
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this is hot apple pie with cheese on it. There
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was one guy who'd always send his back because it
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wasn't hot enough, No, never good enough for him, even
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though the fact that the cheese had probably just melted
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away into nothingness, a little bubbly patina, a little cheese patina,
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he'd still send it back. I want it hotter, so
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they'd put it in the microwave. They'd mike that thing
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for three minutes, and when it came back, he plunged
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his finger into it and the yelp was heard through
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out the restaurant. So I seem to remember or I
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read that in a book. I'm not sure anyway, Hot
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apple pie, That's what I'm gonna have at the diner, folks.
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James Lilax here sitting at my customed place at the
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long boomerang pattern for micacounter at the old Diner is
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what I would say if I were there, But I'm not.
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I'm an old Highway twenty three miles away from the diner.
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In my car, I ran out of gas. I feel embarrassed.
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I'm waiting for Triple A. Triple A is coming. I'm
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I'm my new play waiting for Triple A. I can't
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go on. I must go on. That's literally what it's
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all about. I can't go on. Therefore I must call
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Triple A. I must go on. They will come, and
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they will they will help me, They'll bring gas. And
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I imagine that the guy is going to be won't.
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You won't say it, but you'll feel it. How did
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you run out of gas? Buddy? How does anybody run
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out of gas these days? Well, it's a good question.
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I mean it a little device inside my car which
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calibrates precisely exactly how much gas I have and how
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far it will get me, and it will send me
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a little message on the problem is I'm jet legged,
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preoccupied by an unfortunate turn of events, frankly, and I'm sick.
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I think I got a cold somewhere in London. I
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was exhausted in London because I was sleeping five hours
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a night. You know, that's what happens. You push yourself
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to go you're exhausted, You go to sleep at eleven
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thirty or so in the night, and you think, well,
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of course I'm going to sleep seven hours because I'm
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I'm tired and it's dark. And that's what you do,
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isn't it. When it's dark and you're tired, And then
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you end up at four o'clock in the morning staring
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holes into the ceiling. That's what happened. Exhausted, and I
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walked everywhere. You know what else I did when I
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was in London, pretty sure that I touched things. Yeah,
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there's your first mistake in the modern world, in any
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big city, touching something. And then after I touched something,
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I may have touched my face. I probably grabbed a
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pole in the subway and then ground my finger into
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my eye because it was suddenly itchy or something like that,
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some idiocy. Whatever it was. I had a cold got one.
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Couldn't really tell because I was just so exhausted. And
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then I couldn't really tell because I was grappling with
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something else. But now that I'm home and I can tell,
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So yeah, all these things going on in my head
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was why I did just completely blithely, cavalierly ignored the
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gas light on my car, Bung. I probably thought it
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was nagging me about something else. There was something behind
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me that the camera had seen. There was low tire
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pressure in the spare or something, Bung. How many times
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in your life you actually wish that there were something
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like that to alert you to the fact that something
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was right. You know your body, Hey, buddy, you just
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you You just put a cold virus in my bong.
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You gave me a you got a cold. I mean
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that would be to have enunciators like that would be great,
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or would it? Because we think, you know, my phone
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is constantly notifying me about things. I don't want to
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be notified so much. I have to turn off my notifications.
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I have to schedule my notifications to stop after a
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certain point because it's annoying. I have to cut down
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on them. I have to go to the app and
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I have to dismiss the notifications or I have to
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say only for critical, top priority AI AI approved items.
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All of life now seems to be managing not joys
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and sorrows, yes, but but notifications. I was watching some
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kid the other day. Kid he's in his thirties, and
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he was signed over his phone as usual, and I
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say that like I never do. And as he was
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reading and scrolling, there were notifications to particular the top
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of the screen all the time, and I looked at
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it was Twitter and Facebook, YouTube, Spotify. These they drop
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down constantly and his hand would just by instinct dismiss
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flick them into the into the ether. And that's no
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way to live, to constantly beginning notifications or something. But
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if it was accompanied by enunciating sound that told you
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that something very significant had happened, you know, you make
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an offhand comment that somehow, somehow cripples a long time
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friendship bung and then you have to search the dashboard
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to find out what it is. Is it the genie lamp?
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Is that it is the Bannery's the engine of the
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check in check friendship light. Here's a good one. Oh
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my check friendship light is on. I better call that
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guy up. Oh my check marriage is light is on.
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I better get some flowers. Hell, I check marriage light
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has been on for an awful long time. I just
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you know that just comes on doesn't mean anything. Well,
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I check marriage light has been on for two months.
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I'm gonna get a piece of put some duct tape
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over it or something like that. So yeah, now in
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the oldies, of course, in the olden times, you really
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it wasn't surprising if you ran out of game, asked,
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because I think your gauge had all of the careful
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calibrations of I'm so tired, something that was carefully calibrated,
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and you know, when that needle was going down to
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the quarter, it could be half, could be a third,
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could be nothing. A mainstay of all the old radio shows,
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the suspense ones, is where some guy and his wife
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are driving alone on a country road at night and
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they just turned on the radio. It's one of those
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plot point company radios, which is be on the lookout
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for Killer McGee, who has just escaped from the insane asylum.
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And killer McGee is red haired and huge and big
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and reputer to e to be heading toward exactly where
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you happen to be right now. And then they run
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out of gas. And they run out of gas because
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the guy didn't fill up, and the wife will always
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tell him why, I told you you should have I
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told you you should have filled up at that last age,
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or if they haven't run out yet, she's scared that
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they're in a country road with killer McGee out there
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somewhere and she's looking at the gas gage and it's
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dead zero. It's E. It's just big E. And he
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always says, nah, aho's got a couple of gallons out
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of this after it goes to E. Well, okay, great,
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but it's nineteen forty six. There's not necessarily going to
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be a convenience store in the next X number of
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miles a ramp that's gonna come up. It's nineteen forty six.
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Then if there's a station, it's a couple of miles away,
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or it's five miles away, and it's run by old
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man Thompson who's already gone to bed. The lights are
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off and he's not coming out. So what do you do. Well,
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you can call Triple A. Oh wait a minute, it's
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nineteen forty six. You can't because you don't have a phone.
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And you also you didn't sign up for Triple A
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in the first place because the plot required you to
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not have immediate assistance. So then you have to wait
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for somebody to come by who had, you know, has
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a couple of spare gallons in the back of their
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car and a jerry can. Word that I never use
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but no, and he'll help you out, except he's ready aired.
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He's got a craze glint in his eye, and he
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could be killer McGhee. That's like thirty seven radio shows
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back in the day. Well, Triple A said that they'd
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be here, that they were a little slammed tonight, which
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they always do. Of course, I mean out in the
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middle of nowhere in Minnesota on Highway twenty three. What
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could possibly be slamming anybody. But whenever you called it's
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a very busy night, We'll get to somebody out as
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soon as we can. You never hear, oh good thing
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you called. It's downtime. We got like six guys sitting
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around waiting for work. But he'll be here. He'll be here.
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It's interesting how we say triple A and not AAA,
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isn't it. We'll say AA alcoholics anonymous, but we won't
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say AAA, because then you sound like an Italian trying
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to keep somebody from doing something a triple A. That's cool.
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But we never said triple dub for the internet, did we?
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Just Just when I said triple A, I thought of
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triple dub Because whenever you did say that to somebody,
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that's gonna be triple dub, dot ban arama, mangabinga dot
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com and uh, triple dub. If you said that, you
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sounded like one of those making copies, haven't you sounded
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like some some hipster trying to create some slang that
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didn't exist. Triple dub dot com, dot gov, man duty
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money dot org, men, spinach dot biz. Oh yeah, right,
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like I'm going on that site there on the up
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and ump. No we said w w w W doub doub.
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Every one of those letters had three syllables and you
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had to save them three times. So why not just
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triple dub. It's possible that some of the people worried
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that old folks new to the information super Highway would say,
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I can't find the dub key. But I don't know.
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We should have at the very start, we should have
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We should have not said w and But that's what
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it was in the early days of the Internet. So
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just go to www dot org and give today. Yeah
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anyway here, I am don't know what to do about it. Nothing,
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I can just waiting for relief. Last time I called
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triple A was when my Hanta element went into limp
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home mode. Ever had that happen to you. You get
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a sensor fouled intake sensor or something, and in order
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to protect the vehicle, the engine starts to hoff madly,
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and no matter how heart you press down the pedal,
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you can't go more than ten miles an hour. You
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have no idea what's going on the first time it happens,
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no idea whatsoever. You make your way to the side
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of the road and just wonder what the hell was that.
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And then you start the car again, and it starts
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and it moves, but it makes that horrible sound. So
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that's when you call Triple A. And the other time
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it happened to me that I had to call him
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was when my battery went dead on a very cold,
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cold day. The guy shows up, rangy guy, and he's
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got a truck full of batteries. And he looks at
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me and he says, you're James Lilacs. You're write for
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the paper. No, no, that's no what he said. He said,
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you're James Lyas, aren't you. And I said, boy boy,
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yes I am. And he said I used to listen
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to you on the radio and that was always I mean,
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I loved it. Don't get me wrong. Everybody loves to
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be recognized for what they do. But I was primarily
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and had been and would be a writer in the newspaper.
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So saying you're Bob Jones, that carpenter, aren't you? I
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walked on that sidewalk you board. It's just somehow the
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idea that I was exclusively seen as that guy on
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that radio was cool, Don't get me wrong, but so yeah,
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And instantly the fact that he knew me meant that
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I felt ashamed the fact that my car needed to wash,
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even though it was February, and you know, I was
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the guy whose battery it died. Whenever there's something wrong
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with your car and you require roadside assistance, you feel
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like less of a man. I do. I should have
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seen that coming. My dad would have never let that happen.
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My dad was triple A for Eavens. I mean he wasn't,
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but he practically was. He sold gas. My father never
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ran out of gasoline in his life because he sold it.
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It would be absolutely mortifying for him to all of
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a sudden discover that he hadn't monitored his intake. And
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the needle was at e and it was twenty below
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and they're driving on to the farm and his wife's
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pregnant and he goes in the ditch. I mean, that
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would be horrible, And it happened to him once. I
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don't think it's because he ran out of Yeah. I
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just think he hit a patch and he ended up
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in the ditch and it was really cold, and my
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mom was pregnant and it was dark, and he had
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to make the decision to leave her and walk to
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the nearest farmhouse. The old cliche. Obviously everything turned out okay,
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but that would be horrifying, especially in the middle of
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nowhere in nineteen fifty eight and North Dakota, where who
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knows who's going to open that farmhouse door. Oh, the
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guy looks fine, he looks nice. He's a little too friendly, perhaps,
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but the shirt doesn't fit him quite right. And it's
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only later that you find that the real guy who
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owned that house is in the back, all tied up,
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and what you're talking to kill her? McGhee. Oh, I
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see lights and I see lights behind me. He's here.
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Let me talk to him for a second and then
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go through the whole thing where I wonder whether I
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have to tip him, because of course I do. That's
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the great thing. You pay all this money to this stuff.
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But you gotta tip the guy anyway, do I? Oh,
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I'm sure he'll hand me an iPad and I'll love
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a choice between twelve fifteen and eighteen percent. All right,
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hold on, I'll be back in just a bit. Why
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don't you listen to the radio now, because I can
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turn it. I can turn it on without fearing about
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running down the battery. All right, and I we're back.
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And I was. I was right. He did indeed produce
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an iPad and I had to scrawl my John Hancock
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on it. And there was an option for a tip,
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and I did. I thanked him for his service, and
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he went one way and I went the other. So anyway,
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I'm just a little ways away here from the diner.
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It shouldn't be too far. And there it is up
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on the there it is up on the left. That's odd.
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All the lights on the sign are out. It's a
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it's a common complaint. You know, you're you're driving up
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and you see dine Inner die er. You know, if
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it's just the d then e R Diner dinner. You
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know that's a star trek name. So but they're all
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off tonight. HM. Let me pull into the parking lot,
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the happy familiar crunch or gravel that lets you tell
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you you've arrived. Gravel parking lots are are are are
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00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:13.119
lost to us now, aren't they? Mostly the opportunity to
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leave in anger, spitting a hail of gravel. You gotta
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get out in the in the country, in real America
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to do that. My choice of parking is at night.
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There's nobody here. What the shades are down. I have
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to go. What alright, let's go and see. Let's walk
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00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:14.920
to the front. The shades are down, and there's no
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light coming through the Venetian blinds. There's no smoke, grease,
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00:18:20.839 --> 00:18:25.480
smoke coming from the pipe. I can't hear the jukebox.
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00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:49.559
It's locked. It's locked, it's closed, It's never closed. Okay,
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00:18:51.480 --> 00:18:56.599
did I fall asleep in my car before I got
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the garage door open? And the carbon monoxide gave me
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00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:05.640
this dream which is now about to be over because
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00:19:06.079 --> 00:19:11.759
it's asphyxiation time. Oh my god, there's a light. The
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00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:15.240
light's coming closer. I'm going to the it's no, the
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00:19:15.319 --> 00:19:19.799
light's coming in. Oh it's a car down the highway.
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00:19:21.319 --> 00:19:22.680
I should have known it wasn't the light that you
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00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:25.000
go to when you're dead, because there were two of them.
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00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:29.759
Nobody ever said that would be confusing if somebody actually
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00:19:29.799 --> 00:19:32.279
came back from a near death experience and said, I
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00:19:32.359 --> 00:19:37.240
found myself floating towards two big lights, and everybody would say,
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00:19:37.640 --> 00:19:40.680
you mean you mean one right now? There were two
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00:19:40.759 --> 00:19:44.880
of them high beams too. What if you were floating
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00:19:45.000 --> 00:19:49.519
up towards that that light that meant the end and
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00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:53.960
it suddenly turned yellow, would you slow down or would
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00:19:53.960 --> 00:19:56.880
you go really fast to die and go through the
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light on the other side. I don't know anyway. This
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00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:10.279
is this is hold on, No, there's a there's a note.
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I didn't see it before. It's on the glass. Let
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00:20:14.240 --> 00:20:17.599
me get out my phone. And that's strange. I have
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00:20:17.720 --> 00:20:19.640
to read something in the dark. Let me get out
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00:20:19.680 --> 00:20:21.440
of my phone, something that was never said when I
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00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:24.359
was growing up. I have it here, and let's turn
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00:20:24.440 --> 00:20:28.640
on the torch option. I'm sorry, flashlight. I've been in Britain.
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00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:31.240
Did you know they call it a torch? And see
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00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:40.319
what it says here? Diner temporarily closed due to gas
304
00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:50.799
main break. They ran out of gas. Huh they ran
305
00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:55.200
out of gas. Well, isn't that a nice set of
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00:20:55.279 --> 00:21:00.000
book ending events to put this day into the record book.
307
00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:05.480
Hope there wasn't an explosion. I hope that the gas
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00:21:05.559 --> 00:21:10.000
main broke, because well, some tree roots that have been
309
00:21:10.440 --> 00:21:13.920
working for twenty thirty years finally pushed it out of
310
00:21:14.079 --> 00:21:16.839
true or snapped it or something like that, and nature
311
00:21:16.920 --> 00:21:21.839
won again with its inexorable effort and patience. Hmm, well,
312
00:21:22.000 --> 00:21:25.200
I assume they'll get it fixed quickly. We're way beyond
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00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:29.119
the usual utilities out here. But they don't like empty
314
00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:33.440
broken gas maine pipes, I'm sure, so I guess we're
315
00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:35.000
just going to have to wait to see how long
316
00:21:35.079 --> 00:21:37.839
it takes them to fix it. And now I'm going
317
00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:40.720
to get back in my car and I'm going to
318
00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:46.440
have to drive home. And I'd stopped at Perkins for
319
00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:51.799
some hot apple pie, but they closed. I could stop
320
00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:55.599
at the grocery store and get a frozen one and
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00:21:55.720 --> 00:21:59.440
put it in the microwave, and I'm almost tempted to
322
00:21:59.519 --> 00:22:04.000
do that and plunge my finger into it and feel
323
00:22:04.119 --> 00:22:06.880
the searing pain to know that actually, no, I am
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00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:08.839
not in the garage with the motor running, and it
325
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is not a dream and I am alive. So if
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00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:15.480
you see me next week because my battery died and
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00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:17.559
you're the guy in charge of driving those around down
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00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:20.000
and I have a sort of bandage around my index
329
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finger or just something that looks like I really burned it.
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Now you know, I'm James Lanlicks and this has been
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the diner and I will see you, promise down the road.
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Ricochet join the conversation.
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Hot apple pie, simple as that. That's what I'm gonna have,
2
00:00:20.000 --> 00:00:22.679
maybe even with a piece of cheese on. We used
3
00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:25.440
to do that at the restaurant. I never understood the
4
00:00:25.480 --> 00:00:28.440
attraction until I tried it, and then I thought, Wow,
5
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:32.799
this is hot apple pie with cheese on it. There
6
00:00:32.840 --> 00:00:35.000
was one guy who'd always send his back because it
7
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wasn't hot enough, No, never good enough for him, even
8
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though the fact that the cheese had probably just melted
9
00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:47.759
away into nothingness, a little bubbly patina, a little cheese patina,
10
00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:50.240
he'd still send it back. I want it hotter, so
11
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:52.960
they'd put it in the microwave. They'd mike that thing
12
00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:56.799
for three minutes, and when it came back, he plunged
13
00:00:56.840 --> 00:00:59.960
his finger into it and the yelp was heard through
14
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out the restaurant. So I seem to remember or I
15
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read that in a book. I'm not sure anyway, Hot
16
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apple pie, That's what I'm gonna have at the diner, folks.
17
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James Lilax here sitting at my customed place at the
18
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long boomerang pattern for micacounter at the old Diner is
19
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what I would say if I were there, But I'm not.
20
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I'm an old Highway twenty three miles away from the diner.
21
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In my car, I ran out of gas. I feel embarrassed.
22
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I'm waiting for Triple A. Triple A is coming. I'm
23
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I'm my new play waiting for Triple A. I can't
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go on. I must go on. That's literally what it's
25
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all about. I can't go on. Therefore I must call
26
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Triple A. I must go on. They will come, and
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they will they will help me, They'll bring gas. And
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I imagine that the guy is going to be won't.
29
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You won't say it, but you'll feel it. How did
30
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you run out of gas? Buddy? How does anybody run
31
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out of gas these days? Well, it's a good question.
32
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I mean it a little device inside my car which
33
00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:24.560
calibrates precisely exactly how much gas I have and how
34
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far it will get me, and it will send me
35
00:02:27.520 --> 00:02:32.560
a little message on the problem is I'm jet legged,
36
00:02:33.680 --> 00:02:38.759
preoccupied by an unfortunate turn of events, frankly, and I'm sick.
37
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I think I got a cold somewhere in London. I
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was exhausted in London because I was sleeping five hours
39
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a night. You know, that's what happens. You push yourself
40
00:02:48.599 --> 00:02:51.680
to go you're exhausted, You go to sleep at eleven
41
00:02:51.879 --> 00:02:54.159
thirty or so in the night, and you think, well,
42
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:58.439
of course I'm going to sleep seven hours because I'm
43
00:02:58.680 --> 00:03:02.039
I'm tired and it's dark. And that's what you do,
44
00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:06.120
isn't it. When it's dark and you're tired, And then
45
00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:08.639
you end up at four o'clock in the morning staring
46
00:03:08.719 --> 00:03:13.479
holes into the ceiling. That's what happened. Exhausted, and I
47
00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:16.120
walked everywhere. You know what else I did when I
48
00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:21.680
was in London, pretty sure that I touched things. Yeah,
49
00:03:22.120 --> 00:03:24.039
there's your first mistake in the modern world, in any
50
00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:28.719
big city, touching something. And then after I touched something,
51
00:03:28.759 --> 00:03:33.639
I may have touched my face. I probably grabbed a
52
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.960
pole in the subway and then ground my finger into
53
00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:39.479
my eye because it was suddenly itchy or something like that,
54
00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:44.560
some idiocy. Whatever it was. I had a cold got one.
55
00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:48.840
Couldn't really tell because I was just so exhausted. And
56
00:03:48.840 --> 00:03:51.560
then I couldn't really tell because I was grappling with
57
00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:54.159
something else. But now that I'm home and I can tell,
58
00:03:54.840 --> 00:03:56.879
So yeah, all these things going on in my head
59
00:03:56.960 --> 00:04:01.960
was why I did just completely blithely, cavalierly ignored the
60
00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:08.159
gas light on my car, Bung. I probably thought it
61
00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:11.800
was nagging me about something else. There was something behind
62
00:04:11.879 --> 00:04:15.560
me that the camera had seen. There was low tire
63
00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:21.920
pressure in the spare or something, Bung. How many times
64
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:24.319
in your life you actually wish that there were something
65
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:26.560
like that to alert you to the fact that something
66
00:04:27.040 --> 00:04:31.759
was right. You know your body, Hey, buddy, you just
67
00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:36.879
you You just put a cold virus in my bong.
68
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:39.920
You gave me a you got a cold. I mean
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00:04:39.959 --> 00:04:43.519
that would be to have enunciators like that would be great,
70
00:04:44.480 --> 00:04:47.680
or would it? Because we think, you know, my phone
71
00:04:47.720 --> 00:04:50.279
is constantly notifying me about things. I don't want to
72
00:04:50.279 --> 00:04:53.399
be notified so much. I have to turn off my notifications.
73
00:04:53.680 --> 00:04:56.240
I have to schedule my notifications to stop after a
74
00:04:56.279 --> 00:04:59.680
certain point because it's annoying. I have to cut down
75
00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:01.439
on them. I have to go to the app and
76
00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:04.240
I have to dismiss the notifications or I have to
77
00:05:04.279 --> 00:05:08.639
say only for critical, top priority AI AI approved items.
78
00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:15.600
All of life now seems to be managing not joys
79
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.240
and sorrows, yes, but but notifications. I was watching some
80
00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:23.519
kid the other day. Kid he's in his thirties, and
81
00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:27.439
he was signed over his phone as usual, and I
82
00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:31.199
say that like I never do. And as he was
83
00:05:31.240 --> 00:05:34.160
reading and scrolling, there were notifications to particular the top
84
00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:36.600
of the screen all the time, and I looked at
85
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:41.800
it was Twitter and Facebook, YouTube, Spotify. These they drop
86
00:05:41.879 --> 00:05:45.720
down constantly and his hand would just by instinct dismiss
87
00:05:45.759 --> 00:05:49.279
flick them into the into the ether. And that's no
88
00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:54.560
way to live, to constantly beginning notifications or something. But
89
00:05:55.800 --> 00:06:00.199
if it was accompanied by enunciating sound that told you
90
00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:06.839
that something very significant had happened, you know, you make
91
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:13.040
an offhand comment that somehow, somehow cripples a long time
92
00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:18.680
friendship bung and then you have to search the dashboard
93
00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:20.920
to find out what it is. Is it the genie lamp?
94
00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:22.959
Is that it is the Bannery's the engine of the
95
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:25.920
check in check friendship light. Here's a good one. Oh
96
00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:28.439
my check friendship light is on. I better call that
97
00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:31.639
guy up. Oh my check marriage is light is on.
98
00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:36.279
I better get some flowers. Hell, I check marriage light
99
00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:40.199
has been on for an awful long time. I just
100
00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:44.920
you know that just comes on doesn't mean anything. Well,
101
00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:46.959
I check marriage light has been on for two months.
102
00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:49.519
I'm gonna get a piece of put some duct tape
103
00:06:49.519 --> 00:06:54.160
over it or something like that. So yeah, now in
104
00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:57.480
the oldies, of course, in the olden times, you really
105
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:00.240
it wasn't surprising if you ran out of game, asked,
106
00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:02.040
because I think your gauge had all of the careful
107
00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:07.319
calibrations of I'm so tired, something that was carefully calibrated,
108
00:07:08.680 --> 00:07:12.079
and you know, when that needle was going down to
109
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the quarter, it could be half, could be a third,
110
00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:18.839
could be nothing. A mainstay of all the old radio shows,
111
00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:22.120
the suspense ones, is where some guy and his wife
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00:07:22.439 --> 00:07:25.600
are driving alone on a country road at night and
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00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:28.439
they just turned on the radio. It's one of those
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00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:31.480
plot point company radios, which is be on the lookout
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00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:35.560
for Killer McGee, who has just escaped from the insane asylum.
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00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:40.360
And killer McGee is red haired and huge and big
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00:07:40.439 --> 00:07:44.240
and reputer to e to be heading toward exactly where
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you happen to be right now. And then they run
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00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:49.279
out of gas. And they run out of gas because
120
00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:51.399
the guy didn't fill up, and the wife will always
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00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:53.639
tell him why, I told you you should have I
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00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:55.560
told you you should have filled up at that last age,
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00:07:56.079 --> 00:08:00.319
or if they haven't run out yet, she's scared that
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they're in a country road with killer McGee out there
125
00:08:02.319 --> 00:08:04.360
somewhere and she's looking at the gas gage and it's
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00:08:04.519 --> 00:08:09.560
dead zero. It's E. It's just big E. And he
127
00:08:09.600 --> 00:08:12.240
always says, nah, aho's got a couple of gallons out
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of this after it goes to E. Well, okay, great,
129
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:21.680
but it's nineteen forty six. There's not necessarily going to
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be a convenience store in the next X number of
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miles a ramp that's gonna come up. It's nineteen forty six.
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Then if there's a station, it's a couple of miles away,
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or it's five miles away, and it's run by old
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man Thompson who's already gone to bed. The lights are
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00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:44.039
off and he's not coming out. So what do you do. Well,
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00:08:44.519 --> 00:08:46.559
you can call Triple A. Oh wait a minute, it's
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nineteen forty six. You can't because you don't have a phone.
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And you also you didn't sign up for Triple A
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in the first place because the plot required you to
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not have immediate assistance. So then you have to wait
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for somebody to come by who had, you know, has
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a couple of spare gallons in the back of their
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car and a jerry can. Word that I never use
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but no, and he'll help you out, except he's ready aired.
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He's got a craze glint in his eye, and he
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could be killer McGhee. That's like thirty seven radio shows
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back in the day. Well, Triple A said that they'd
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be here, that they were a little slammed tonight, which
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they always do. Of course, I mean out in the
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middle of nowhere in Minnesota on Highway twenty three. What
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could possibly be slamming anybody. But whenever you called it's
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a very busy night, We'll get to somebody out as
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soon as we can. You never hear, oh good thing
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you called. It's downtime. We got like six guys sitting
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around waiting for work. But he'll be here. He'll be here.
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It's interesting how we say triple A and not AAA,
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isn't it. We'll say AA alcoholics anonymous, but we won't
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say AAA, because then you sound like an Italian trying
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to keep somebody from doing something a triple A. That's cool.
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But we never said triple dub for the internet, did we?
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Just Just when I said triple A, I thought of
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triple dub Because whenever you did say that to somebody,
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that's gonna be triple dub, dot ban arama, mangabinga dot
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com and uh, triple dub. If you said that, you
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sounded like one of those making copies, haven't you sounded
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like some some hipster trying to create some slang that
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didn't exist. Triple dub dot com, dot gov, man duty
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money dot org, men, spinach dot biz. Oh yeah, right,
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like I'm going on that site there on the up
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and ump. No we said w w w W doub doub.
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Every one of those letters had three syllables and you
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had to save them three times. So why not just
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triple dub. It's possible that some of the people worried
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that old folks new to the information super Highway would say,
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I can't find the dub key. But I don't know.
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We should have at the very start, we should have
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We should have not said w and But that's what
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it was in the early days of the Internet. So
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just go to www dot org and give today. Yeah
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anyway here, I am don't know what to do about it. Nothing,
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I can just waiting for relief. Last time I called
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triple A was when my Hanta element went into limp
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home mode. Ever had that happen to you. You get
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a sensor fouled intake sensor or something, and in order
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to protect the vehicle, the engine starts to hoff madly,
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and no matter how heart you press down the pedal,
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you can't go more than ten miles an hour. You
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have no idea what's going on the first time it happens,
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no idea whatsoever. You make your way to the side
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of the road and just wonder what the hell was that.
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And then you start the car again, and it starts
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and it moves, but it makes that horrible sound. So
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that's when you call Triple A. And the other time
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it happened to me that I had to call him
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was when my battery went dead on a very cold,
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cold day. The guy shows up, rangy guy, and he's
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got a truck full of batteries. And he looks at
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me and he says, you're James Lilacs. You're write for
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the paper. No, no, that's no what he said. He said,
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you're James Lyas, aren't you. And I said, boy boy,
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yes I am. And he said I used to listen
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to you on the radio and that was always I mean,
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I loved it. Don't get me wrong. Everybody loves to
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be recognized for what they do. But I was primarily
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and had been and would be a writer in the newspaper.
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So saying you're Bob Jones, that carpenter, aren't you? I
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walked on that sidewalk you board. It's just somehow the
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idea that I was exclusively seen as that guy on
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that radio was cool, Don't get me wrong, but so yeah,
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And instantly the fact that he knew me meant that
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I felt ashamed the fact that my car needed to wash,
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even though it was February, and you know, I was
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the guy whose battery it died. Whenever there's something wrong
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with your car and you require roadside assistance, you feel
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like less of a man. I do. I should have
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seen that coming. My dad would have never let that happen.
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My dad was triple A for Eavens. I mean he wasn't,
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but he practically was. He sold gas. My father never
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ran out of gasoline in his life because he sold it.
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It would be absolutely mortifying for him to all of
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a sudden discover that he hadn't monitored his intake. And
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the needle was at e and it was twenty below
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and they're driving on to the farm and his wife's
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pregnant and he goes in the ditch. I mean, that
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would be horrible, And it happened to him once. I
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don't think it's because he ran out of Yeah. I
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just think he hit a patch and he ended up
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in the ditch and it was really cold, and my
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mom was pregnant and it was dark, and he had
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to make the decision to leave her and walk to
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the nearest farmhouse. The old cliche. Obviously everything turned out okay,
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but that would be horrifying, especially in the middle of
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nowhere in nineteen fifty eight and North Dakota, where who
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knows who's going to open that farmhouse door. Oh, the
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guy looks fine, he looks nice. He's a little too friendly, perhaps,
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but the shirt doesn't fit him quite right. And it's
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only later that you find that the real guy who
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owned that house is in the back, all tied up,
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and what you're talking to kill her? McGhee. Oh, I
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see lights and I see lights behind me. He's here.
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Let me talk to him for a second and then
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go through the whole thing where I wonder whether I
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have to tip him, because of course I do. That's
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the great thing. You pay all this money to this stuff.
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But you gotta tip the guy anyway, do I? Oh,
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I'm sure he'll hand me an iPad and I'll love
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a choice between twelve fifteen and eighteen percent. All right,
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hold on, I'll be back in just a bit. Why
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don't you listen to the radio now, because I can
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turn it. I can turn it on without fearing about
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running down the battery. All right, and I we're back.
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And I was. I was right. He did indeed produce
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an iPad and I had to scrawl my John Hancock
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on it. And there was an option for a tip,
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and I did. I thanked him for his service, and
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he went one way and I went the other. So anyway,
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I'm just a little ways away here from the diner.
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It shouldn't be too far. And there it is up
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on the there it is up on the left. That's odd.
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All the lights on the sign are out. It's a
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it's a common complaint. You know, you're you're driving up
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and you see dine Inner die er. You know, if
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it's just the d then e R Diner dinner. You
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know that's a star trek name. So but they're all
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off tonight. HM. Let me pull into the parking lot,
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the happy familiar crunch or gravel that lets you tell
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you you've arrived. Gravel parking lots are are are are
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lost to us now, aren't they? Mostly the opportunity to
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leave in anger, spitting a hail of gravel. You gotta
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get out in the in the country, in real America
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to do that. My choice of parking is at night.
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There's nobody here. What the shades are down. I have
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to go. What alright, let's go and see. Let's walk
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to the front. The shades are down, and there's no
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light coming through the Venetian blinds. There's no smoke, grease,
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smoke coming from the pipe. I can't hear the jukebox.
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It's locked. It's locked, it's closed, It's never closed. Okay,
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did I fall asleep in my car before I got
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the garage door open? And the carbon monoxide gave me
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this dream which is now about to be over because
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it's asphyxiation time. Oh my god, there's a light. The
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light's coming closer. I'm going to the it's no, the
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light's coming in. Oh it's a car down the highway.
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I should have known it wasn't the light that you
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go to when you're dead, because there were two of them.
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Nobody ever said that would be confusing if somebody actually
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came back from a near death experience and said, I
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found myself floating towards two big lights, and everybody would say,
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you mean you mean one right now? There were two
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of them high beams too. What if you were floating
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up towards that that light that meant the end and
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it suddenly turned yellow, would you slow down or would
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you go really fast to die and go through the
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light on the other side. I don't know anyway. This
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is this is hold on, No, there's a there's a note.
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I didn't see it before. It's on the glass. Let
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me get out my phone. And that's strange. I have
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to read something in the dark. Let me get out
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of my phone, something that was never said when I
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was growing up. I have it here, and let's turn
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on the torch option. I'm sorry, flashlight. I've been in Britain.
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Did you know they call it a torch? And see
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what it says here? Diner temporarily closed due to gas
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main break. They ran out of gas. Huh they ran
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out of gas. Well, isn't that a nice set of
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book ending events to put this day into the record book.
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Hope there wasn't an explosion. I hope that the gas
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main broke, because well, some tree roots that have been
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working for twenty thirty years finally pushed it out of
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true or snapped it or something like that, and nature
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won again with its inexorable effort and patience. Hmm, well,
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I assume they'll get it fixed quickly. We're way beyond
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the usual utilities out here. But they don't like empty
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broken gas maine pipes, I'm sure, so I guess we're
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just going to have to wait to see how long
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it takes them to fix it. And now I'm going
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to get back in my car and I'm going to
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have to drive home. And I'd stopped at Perkins for
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some hot apple pie, but they closed. I could stop
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at the grocery store and get a frozen one and
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put it in the microwave, and I'm almost tempted to
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do that and plunge my finger into it and feel
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the searing pain to know that actually, no, I am
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not in the garage with the motor running, and it
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is not a dream and I am alive. So if
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you see me next week because my battery died and
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you're the guy in charge of driving those around down
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and I have a sort of bandage around my index
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finger or just something that looks like I really burned it.
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Now you know, I'm James Lanlicks and this has been
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the diner and I will see you, promise down the road.
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Ricochet join the conversation.
