REAL Confidence: A Candid Conversation With My Daughter

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I think the biggest part is really talking about how
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we limit ourselves. So the idea that the things that
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we say to ourselves right, the way we talk about ourselves.
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And again I've said before how important words are. But
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sometimes we think that it's the outside world that's limiting us.
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But when we really take a deep dive, we'll realize
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how much we are putting those restrictions on ourselves. So
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one of the things I used to do for years
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and years was the way I would talk about myself.
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I would say, I'm just a stay at home mom,
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I'm just a volunteer, I'm just Rob's wife. Really justifying
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my life and drop the just right. These are all
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parts of who I am. These are all part We
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all have different things, and we need to be proud
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of exactly who we are. So that idea of not
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limiting ourselves right and not telling ourselves that we can't
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do something.
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Excited to be sitting across from someone that I respect
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and admire so dearly, my mother Woo, even though I
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do sit across well, guess not physically across from you
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on a weekly basis, but virtually across from you asking
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you questions on a weekly basis. This one is a
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little bit different because today I'm going to be asking
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you questions about your upcoming book.
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Yes, I'm very excited for my book. It comes out
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February seventeenth.
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So what's the title?
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I thought you were going to read it? Real Confidence?
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A simple guide to go from unsure to unshakable.
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Real confidence something that you've been talking about a lot
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the last How old am I twenty to two years
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of my life? Yeah, but I feel like the last
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five years or so you really kind of refined what
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this concept of real confidence means. Would you walk us
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through that framework?
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So I created what I call the Real Method, and
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it was really born out of self doubt. Honestly, I
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struggled my entire life until I was in my mid forties,
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never thinking that I was enough, never thinking I was
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making a difference in the world. And I had a
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couple moments in my life that were really kind of
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changed how I thought about things. And one of them was,
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and this is the one I want to focus on,
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was climbing a mountain. Now. I know a lot of
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people are like, oh, hey, people climb mountains, yes, but
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it wasn't about me making it to the summit. It
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was the idea that I could move past my self doubt,
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that I could do something that was completely out of
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my comfort zone, and that I could set a goal
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and achieve it because I put in the work. And
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so that's really how the real method started, because I
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looked back to see from how much I struggled to
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being able to summit that mountain, what actually happened. And
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so there's four parts to it. So real is obviously
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an acronym. Respect yourself, embrace your failures, ask yourself what
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you want, and live without limits, and all of them
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have really specific parts to them. I started with self
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respect because I think that is where we all have
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to start, right If we don't respect ourselves, how can
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we expect someone else to? And I think so often
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that we self sabotage. So the idea that self respect
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begins where self sabotage ends. And that was really a
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defining moment for me because I self sabotage my whole life.
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There are so many things that I did that really
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made it very difficult to move forward because I was
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constantly thinking that I wasn't good enough and telling myself
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that I wasn't good enough, and again words really matter
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and how we move forward. The second part embrace your failures.
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I'm going to give you the whole thing, and then
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you can mask okay, and then you can ask me
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more questions. I'm going to talk and talk and talk.
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So embrace your failures is something that again is really
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important to me because I used to think that if
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I failed at something, that I was a failure. It
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wasn't that, and which meant that I couldn't move forward,
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So then I wouldn't try things. And so I think
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that's part of the Kilimanjaro piece was that I tried
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something completely out of my comfort zone and that was
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kind of not something that I was doing at the time,
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not even climbing a mountain, but I mean in general
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trying new things because I was so afraid of failure.
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And what I realized is that failure is a bump
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in the road. Right, You learn from your failures, you
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move forward. And that's why I say embrace your failures
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and not just you know, be scared of them. Right,
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who cares like you fail at something? You move forward,
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you try again. That all failure means is that it
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didn't work right, So try again, try something different. Ask
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yourself what you want. This is something that women rarely do, right,
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I mean, you'll we talk about this all the time,
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so hopefully you are asking yourself what you want. But
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as a mom of six children, I was so busy
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worrying about everybody else that I forgot who I was
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and really going back to think about what I wanted
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when I was a child. You know what I wanted
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to be when I was a kid?
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Uh yeah, an actress?
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An actress because I know anything about you, I know
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so well, oh yeah, and look you do listen pretty good.
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So I wanted to be a soccer player.
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Yeah, yeah, I don't know why.
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This is definitely more interesting and more realistic actually, which
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is crazy to say.
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Yeah, that is crazy to say, yeah, but really thinking
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back to what I wanted to be as a kid, now,
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I'm not going to be an actress, right, that's not
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in the cards. But I'm doing something well not yet.
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Says it's not in the cards. I think by saying that,
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you're kind of yeah, you're doubting yourself because.
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You know why, because I love what I do right
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now and answer and I I love speaking, I love podcasting,
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I love telling stories. So right, if I get a
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TV show out of it, amazing. But really the thought
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process behind it is that I really am passionate and
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I have found my purpose. Yeah, so okay, And so
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I think it's so important that we look back to
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what we want it to be as a kid, and
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look at what we're good at all those different things,
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and think about what we don't like. I mean, you
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spent this summer trying a couple of different things within law,
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and I remember you coming home one day and said,
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this is absolutely what I don't want to do. And
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I was like, well, that's a great thing to know.
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And it's way easier in my you know, limited experience
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on this earth to figure out what you you don't
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want and what you don't like versus what you do
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want and what you do like.
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Yeah, but get rid of what you don't like. Right,
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you don't like it, cross it off the list. And
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the last thing is live without limits, because I think
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that we limit ourselves on a daily basis the things
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we say to ourselves, the things we say about ourselves.
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And yes, society does that too, but it's so important
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that we understand how we're limiting ourselves. The importance of
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the words that we say to ourselves. So you put
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it all together and you have the real method. And
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obviously there's exercises within each and I'm sure we'll get
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to a couple of them as we go through. But
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ask away, girl.
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So I know your book is organized, like you said,
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with each pillar being addressed comparatively to your last book.
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How many stories are there? Is it more guidance or
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is it more storytelling?
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So this book is definitely different than last time. I mean,
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there's still a ton of stories in here.
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Oh, if you didn't know how, you should go buy
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and read my mom's first book, The Extraordinary Unordinary You.
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It's available on Amazon.
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I don't know where else anyway around line where you
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can buy it. Yeah, that was pretty funny. That was good. So, yeah,
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it's definitely different than the first one. The feedback I
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got from the first one was that we love the book.
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Now tell me what to do, right. I need the
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framework that took you from point A to point B
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and that allowed you to have all of these different
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experiences in your life. And so I took that to
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heart this time when I wrote it, and I really
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made sure that each section. You know, that's why I
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have the real method. That's why I have exercises in
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each part so that people can see the things that
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I did to really change the way I saw myself.
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And that's such a big part of everything I do
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is understanding that it is about changing the way you
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see yourself.
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Okay, let's dive into the framework then, and beginning with
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respect yourself. What does your process of self respect look like?
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So for so long, I was the yes girl, and
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I'm not saying don't say yes to things, but say
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yes to the things that you want. I didn't know
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how to set boundaries. I know, someone would call and say,
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can you pick up my kid from school? Okay, well
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I have six Yeah, I'm gonna have to make two trips,
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right because I can't fit everybody in the car. Sure,
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I'll do it, right. I didn't know how to say
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no because I was so afraid that I don't know,
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would I hurt their feelings? Would they not ask me
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to hang out with them? Right? So I got into
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that part and I didn't know how to set a boundary. Right.
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I have no problem with setting a boundary now, but
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it took a long time. Nothing is a light switch.
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You don't just go to Moro and say, I'm the
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most confident person in the world. But it's working. It's
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like any other muscle, it's like any other skill. You
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have to build it and it takes a lot of work.
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And you know, you don't go to the gym one
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time and become buff. You don't study Spanish for one
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lesson and become fluent. Right, So self respect, a big
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part of being confident is really working on that every day.
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So going back to your base of self respect, where
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were you, you know, prior to kilman Jar, What were
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you saying to yourself in the mirror? What were you
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telling yourself on a daily basis that was really keeping
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you down.
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I was not kind to myself. I will tell you
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that inside my head or outside of my head, right,
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the things that I would say to myself, the things
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that I would say about myself. And it actually took
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a moment with you that made me realize how ridiculous
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I was being right and I think you remember, but
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I was getting ready for an event. I was in
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my bathroom. You walk in and I am tearing myself
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apart in the mirror. I can't believe you gained weight again.
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I can't believe like you have no self control, Like
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you look ridiculous. How are you going to go to
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this event with all these beautiful women and you look
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like crap? And you walked in and you said you
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gotta stop. First of all, you're beautiful. Second of all,
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you're giving me a complex. How do you expect me
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to love my body when you don't even like your own?
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And that was such a big wake up call for
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me because I think, first of all, I don't even
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think I realized how I was talking to myself. And
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I mean, the big point of this is that you
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have to tell yourself a different story. Right. We don't
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need to be berating ourselves, because not only was it
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affecting me, it was affecting you guys. Right. When you
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guys hear the things I'm saying to myself and they're
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all negative, what are you think about yourself?
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Right?
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You're definitely not going to feel good about yourself?
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Right?
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And that's such a big part is that modeling is huge.
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I can say all the time and do as I say,
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not as I do, right, That doesn't work. So if
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you see me talking kindly to myself, I believe you're
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going to feel the same way, and you're going to
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want to emulate that instead of saying, well, you know,
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if mom is horrible to herself all the time, then
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I should just be horrible to myself.
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And I do think it's an interesting sentiment that this
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is something that you have to explicitly say in your
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book and explicitly say in your speeches, because we do
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keep this center, like this idea that you know, we
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have to behave well around our kids so they behave well.
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So like we can't pick on people in front of
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our kids, or then our kids will know like bullying
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is okay, but when it comes to picking on ourselves,
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well that's fair game.
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It's so true. It's so true, and I don't want
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you guys to grow up and think, oh, you have
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to this is how you should behave right. And actually,
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my uber driver this morning we had a whole conversation
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about this, and he said, when we were little, my
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parents hid everything from us, so we didn't know what
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was happening. And then as an adult I hear all
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these stories and he's like, everybody is so messed up
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because they never talked about anything right. And for me,
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I put on a facade for years. I put up
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a facade for years. I really never was who I was.
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That doesn't make any sense, but I really was always
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trying to be someone else. I was always in the
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comparison trap. I never felt comfortable in my skin, and
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I think that's such a big part of confidence, is
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being comfortable in your skin. You shouldn't have to change
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who you are. Right If you want to wear a makeup,
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wear a makeup. If you don't want to wear makeup,
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don't wear makeup. But don't change who you are because
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you think someone's gonna like you, or or that's going
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to keep your relationship together, anything like that. I think
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you have to focus on who you are and not
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what you think people want you to be.
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So instead of putting up a facade, now, what do
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you do when these thoughts come in? Because I don't
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think they're really avoidable.
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I think, oh, it's we're all going to have negative thoughts.
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And again, it's about telling yourself a different story. The
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power of words is huge, and so instead of telling
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myself I'm not enough, I tell myself that I'm more
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than enough. And so I have my little I call
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it my little mindset hack. Control all delete, which is
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obviously back in the day, it was how we used
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to reset our computer. So what your computer would freeze,
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you'd push those three keys. Now it does something different.
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It pulls up some kind of some kind of well
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it's on Windows, but it's now it pulls up task Manager.
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That's what it does. It pulls up task Man, which
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is kind of interesting. But it used to be how
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you would literally reboot the computer, and so I use
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it for rebooting my mind, resetting my mind. And the
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idea is that we're going to have negative thoughts no
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matter what we do, right, I mean that we're human, right,
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Our fear is something that protects us. Right, Historically, that's
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what you would be afraid of something because you wanted
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to save your life. But the idea that you're not
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going to have negative thoughts is ridiculous. So these negative
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thoughts come in, what do you do with them? You
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have to understand that you can control what you believe
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about yourself, what you believe that comes in your head.
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So when you're standing in front of the mirror saying
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like I'm not attractive, that's a story you're telling yourself
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that's not real. And so that's the first step. The
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awareness is control. The second part is alt, which is alternative.
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There's always an alternative. So instead of saying that I can't,
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why not say I can? Or what if I fail?
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How about when I succeed? And if you do that
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on a regular basis, it really changes how you move forward.
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Think about it with professional athletes, right, they're constantly giving
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themselves positive affirmations. They're saying the things to manifest what's
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going to happen now. They don't just say it, they
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do the work, right, okay, And then the last part
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is the delete part. Delete the things that don't serve you, right,
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did the comparison game serve me? No? Delete that, Delete
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the idea that you're not enough, because all of that
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is not true. And that's a long explanation of it.
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But when you use it in the moment, you start
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realizing how many negative thoughts that you have come through
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your head that are just of no value, and you
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can start catching those thoughts and reframing it. And that's
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the whole purpose of control delete is being able to
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catch those thoughts as soon as they come in, reframe
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them and say this isn't real. Let's move on.
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I mean, I think it's very helpful. It's something that
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I definitely attempt to thank you so much. Am I'm
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the most successful at it sometimes, I sometimes I definitely
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am just being able to redirect myself and get think
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the most important part and most important part is getting
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rid of the things that don't serve you. And because
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I don't have the time.
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Yeah, And it's a practice like anything else, right, I
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mean you it's probably awkward you first started. I mean
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I do it all the time now, so but and
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I don't have to go through the whole method anymore
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because I already know what's gonna happen, right, I know, like, Okay,
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this is ridiculous, this is not real. Get rid of
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it and move on. And but it is. You have
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to you have to practice just like anything. I mean,
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twenty thousand hours. Hopefully it's not gonna take twenty thousand hours,
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but it takes a lot of time for things to work.
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And you don't cut cut corners in other places? Why
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would you cut corners on yourself?
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Moving on to our second pillar, embrace your failures. When
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is the last time you failed and what did you
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learn from it?
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Oh my gosh, I fail all the.
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Time, Okay, but the most recent time.
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Then do you want a funny story or I'll give
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you a funny story, Give me a fun And this
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isn't like a serious failure, but this is just these
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little things that happen every day that can really wear
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you down.
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Yeah.
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So have we have a sleep number bed? And I
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had shoulder surgery a couple months ago, and when I
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was wearing a sling for even when I went to bed,
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because you can't move it right, you got to keep
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it still. Well, I guess I had raised the head
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up so high that I must have dislodged the air
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hose that went into the bed. And so when I
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woke up in the morning, I was basically inside the bed.
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I was like in a bread bed burrito, and nobody
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was there to help me. So I'm like, what am
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I gonna do now? Like I can't push up on
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that arm to get out of bed, and I just
354
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had to lay there for a bit and say, Okay,
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this is so ridiculous, Like how does this stuff happen
356
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to you? And I wouldn't say that it's like a fail,
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but it's just these things every day that can really
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get us down. I mean even yesterday, I was trying
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on clothes because again I can't put my arm all
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the way over my head yet, and I got stuck
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in a shirt. I literally got stuck in the shirt.
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And I think that might be why I injured my
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shoulder again, because I got stuck in the shirt. Don't
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tell my doctor that. So but we failed stuff all
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the time. I mean, I've had some really big failures, right,
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I had when I've done many things in my life.
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But I was flipping houses and we got underwater on
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them and we lost the houses. I ruined our credit
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and it was the hardest thing. We went your dad
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and I went to buy a car and we couldn't
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buy it because our credit was so low and he
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wasn't set like he was so supportive, and but looking back,
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I mean, that was a big failure. And what did
374
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I learn from it? Okay, what am I going to
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do differently? Not not like, oh my gosh, I'm so
376
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upset at myself. Yes, I was a little upset at myself,
377
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but you got to learn from it and move forward.
378
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Didn't do anything like that again.
379
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In your credit question.
380
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And my credit score is excellent, so.
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That kind of shows you. Yeah, that's another like, yeah,
382
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it's a good it's it's a good example. Yeah, so
383
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how do we what's our first step in embracing our failures? Then?
384
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Well, first up is allowing yourself to fail. You got
385
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to try, so you have to Yeah, you have to
386
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take action. So when if you want to do something,
387
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you do it. And if you fail, so what what
388
00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:47.079
do you learn? Step back up? Right, It's about getting
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back up. It's not about the falling down. And I
390
00:20:49.480 --> 00:20:53.359
think a lot of times people take that opposite outlook
391
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to it. I think that it's about the failure. No,
392
00:20:56.079 --> 00:20:57.839
it's not about the failure. It's about the process, and
393
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it's about what you learned. So the first step is
394
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you have to try things. You have to allow yourself
395
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to be able to fail so that you can learn
396
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from it.
397
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:12.400
What is one failure in your life that has taught
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you more than a success ever could.
399
00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:25.599
So I'm going to go back to college and I failed.
400
00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:29.599
My parents are both physicians, my sister's a physician, my
401
00:21:29.640 --> 00:21:32.920
husband's a physician. I was actually dating your dad at
402
00:21:32.920 --> 00:21:38.839
the time, and who's my husband. Let's not make that confusing, y.
403
00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:41.680
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
404
00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:43.279
So we've been married thirty two years. I don't know
405
00:21:43.319 --> 00:21:49.359
why that's confusing at all. But I wanted to be
406
00:21:49.359 --> 00:21:51.359
a doctor and I failed.
407
00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:52.960
Well did you want to be a doctor?
408
00:21:54.960 --> 00:21:57.039
Well, I don't know. Maybe that's the failure right there.
409
00:21:57.319 --> 00:21:59.640
I think I thought I had to be a doctor
410
00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:02.720
because that's what everybody expected of me, right, So maybe
411
00:22:02.759 --> 00:22:05.559
that's my failure in thinking that that was what I
412
00:22:05.599 --> 00:22:09.680
was supposed to do. So I failed organic chemistry, took
413
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:13.599
it again, got a D. And obviously that was kind
414
00:22:13.640 --> 00:22:15.920
of the end of my med school career. Maybe I
415
00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:18.480
could have tried again later or whatever. I don't look
416
00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:20.440
back on those things, and so the biggest lesson that
417
00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:25.480
taught me is that you move forward and you I
418
00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:28.640
still like to say everything happens for a reason. You
419
00:22:28.759 --> 00:22:31.920
might not know what the reason is, right, but sometimes
420
00:22:31.960 --> 00:22:34.319
you'll figure it out later. And for me, it was like,
421
00:22:34.400 --> 00:22:36.839
that was not my purpose. My purpose wasn't to be
422
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:40.640
a physician, right, so this is my purpose. I love
423
00:22:40.920 --> 00:22:44.599
telling stories. I love helping women, and if I would
424
00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:46.519
have done that, I mean it would have been helping
425
00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:49.519
in a different way. But I would have never realized
426
00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:52.359
this about myself. And I think that's so important that
427
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:55.480
we when something happens, we think about what can we
428
00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:57.599
do next, instead of, oh my gosh, I can't believe
429
00:22:57.640 --> 00:22:58.119
that happened.
430
00:22:58.359 --> 00:23:01.839
Yeah, I think everything happened for a reason. Is probably
431
00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:05.880
the mantra that I've taken away from you the hardest.
432
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:07.880
It's the one I use on a daily basis to
433
00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:11.640
evaluate things, because it gives me an inner sense of peace,
434
00:23:12.519 --> 00:23:14.599
I guess, because I can look back and be like,
435
00:23:14.640 --> 00:23:17.359
maybe this didn't go the way I want, But sometime
436
00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:19.880
in the future I'm going to figure out why. And
437
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.640
it's gonna be pretty good reason why I didn't go
438
00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:23.720
the way I want Because something else great is gonna happen.
439
00:23:23.799 --> 00:23:26.440
Yeah, and I truly believe that. I mean, we all
440
00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:28.079
have great things that are gonna happen, and we're all
441
00:23:28.119 --> 00:23:30.559
gonna have failures. I think the biggest mistake people make
442
00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:32.359
is that they think that they're the only ones that
443
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:33.200
have had failures.
444
00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:39.119
No, I'll show you a failure. I had an assignment
445
00:23:39.160 --> 00:23:42.119
to for class, and the professor is very strict on
446
00:23:42.200 --> 00:23:44.279
grading requirements, and she won't grade it if you don't
447
00:23:44.279 --> 00:23:45.960
put it in the right font. And I submitted it
448
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:47.480
not in the right font, So I don't get it graded,
449
00:23:48.079 --> 00:23:49.559
and guess what, I don't care that much.
450
00:23:49.960 --> 00:23:52.240
Yeah, because so what are you gonna do next time?
451
00:23:52.799 --> 00:23:55.160
I'm going to pay attention to the instructions and more
452
00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:57.440
put it in the right font and you know, like
453
00:23:57.880 --> 00:24:00.799
just be more careful. Yeah, I think. But yeah, I
454
00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:03.920
think failure is one of those words that seems so
455
00:24:04.000 --> 00:24:06.759
scary for absolutely no reason. It has such a negative
456
00:24:06.799 --> 00:24:10.920
connotation when it's just a thing of life because it's
457
00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:12.920
kind of like a binary. You either fail at something
458
00:24:13.000 --> 00:24:15.960
or you succeed, and there's no way that you're going
459
00:24:16.039 --> 00:24:17.000
to succeed at everything.
460
00:24:17.640 --> 00:24:20.440
Yeah, and not so okay, I think we also have
461
00:24:20.519 --> 00:24:23.960
to take the mindset of a small child, right, think
462
00:24:23.960 --> 00:24:26.000
about a baby. Right when you first start walking, you
463
00:24:26.039 --> 00:24:29.279
fall down five million times, and then its failure, No,
464
00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:32.039
you just it's learning. Yeah, And that's I think that's
465
00:24:32.039 --> 00:24:34.759
the difference, is that we have to focus on the
466
00:24:34.839 --> 00:24:37.039
learning instead of the failure.
467
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:41.079
Yeah. One of the things, and this is kind of
468
00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:44.000
on this but you said to me very many years ago,
469
00:24:44.319 --> 00:24:46.160
was Okay, we can be sad about this for a
470
00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.960
couple of hours, but what are we doing next?
471
00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:50.480
Right, I'll tell the whole story behind that, because Okay,
472
00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:51.240
I'll tell the whole story.
473
00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:55.119
Yeah, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is an
474
00:24:55.119 --> 00:24:59.160
autoimmune disease that affects the intestinal lining of my stomach
475
00:24:59.319 --> 00:25:02.039
or in my whatever. I don't actually know how to
476
00:25:02.079 --> 00:25:06.640
say that. Anyways, I was sixteen, and it was really hard.
477
00:25:06.759 --> 00:25:09.039
I had just spent two years before that being gluten
478
00:25:09.039 --> 00:25:11.279
free and dairy free and bread meat free because I
479
00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:14.599
couldn't eat anything, and I was just like so tired
480
00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:17.000
and exhausted at that point. But by the time the
481
00:25:17.079 --> 00:25:20.200
diagnosis came, it didn't feel like much of a relief,
482
00:25:20.759 --> 00:25:23.799
but it felt like this huge burden that I would
483
00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:25.440
have to carry for the rest of my life. And
484
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.559
during this I was applying for colleges. I was, you know,
485
00:25:28.640 --> 00:25:30.400
doing all the things that you do your senior year,
486
00:25:30.440 --> 00:25:32.400
getting ready to leave, and then like on top of this,
487
00:25:32.440 --> 00:25:38.440
I had a huge medical disaster. Honestly was my senior year.
488
00:25:39.039 --> 00:25:43.160
And right after I got diagnosed the next day, I
489
00:25:43.240 --> 00:25:46.079
was obviously still very upset about it. It wasn't in
490
00:25:46.079 --> 00:25:47.480
school and you looked at me and you're like, Okay,
491
00:25:47.519 --> 00:25:49.119
we're gonna be upset for the rest of the day,
492
00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:51.839
but we have to figure out how to move on
493
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:54.279
because you're going to go to college, you're going to
494
00:25:54.319 --> 00:25:55.880
move out of the house. How are we going to
495
00:25:55.920 --> 00:25:56.359
make it work?
496
00:25:57.200 --> 00:25:59.160
Yeah, And I think I might have given you more
497
00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:00.920
time than the rest of the day. I said, maybe
498
00:26:00.920 --> 00:26:02.960
you got to feel all the emotions, right, So like,
499
00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:06.359
if something happens, you have to you have to feel it. Yeah,
500
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:09.400
if you're sad, cry about it, scream about it, be angry,
501
00:26:09.480 --> 00:26:12.200
whatever you need to do. But then pick a day
502
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:14.319
and decide you're going to move forward, because you could
503
00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:16.000
live in that moment forever.
504
00:26:16.279 --> 00:26:21.079
Yep. And I know people that live in the lowest
505
00:26:21.359 --> 00:26:23.640
of the low moments of their lives and that's what
506
00:26:23.720 --> 00:26:25.920
they cling to. But it's it's no way to.
507
00:26:25.920 --> 00:26:30.400
Live right exactly. And so I'm still a big believer
508
00:26:30.440 --> 00:26:34.359
in that when something bad happens, For example, writing this book,
509
00:26:34.839 --> 00:26:37.039
I wrote a different book before I wrote this one.
510
00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:40.400
I was halfway through, I remember, and I said, this
511
00:26:40.440 --> 00:26:42.599
isn't this isn't the right book for me, This isn't
512
00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:45.880
this isn't what I want to be writing. This doesn't
513
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:49.720
feel authentic to me. And I had spent months on it,
514
00:26:49.960 --> 00:26:52.839
and I completely scrapped it and started over again. But
515
00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:55.960
I just learned that it was not the right It
516
00:26:56.039 --> 00:26:58.240
was not the right thing. This wasn't what I needed.
517
00:26:58.839 --> 00:27:02.759
So it seems like to you is more about learning
518
00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:04.359
than it is not succeeding.
519
00:27:04.559 --> 00:27:08.039
Yeah, it's about learning one hundred percent because and everybody
520
00:27:08.119 --> 00:27:11.039
needs to learn, which is why everybody needs to try.
521
00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:12.319
Everybody needs to take action.
522
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:17.920
Looking to your next pillar, your third pillar. Ask what
523
00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:22.319
you want? Okay, what do you want right now currently
524
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:23.240
in this very moment.
525
00:27:24.680 --> 00:27:28.240
I want to get a million followers. No, I don't care,
526
00:27:28.319 --> 00:27:28.960
that's crazy.
527
00:27:28.960 --> 00:27:31.599
Now I was thinking, like, I don't know, like a
528
00:27:31.640 --> 00:27:32.960
briefings wine h.
529
00:27:35.039 --> 00:27:41.039
No, I what do I want? I I want to
530
00:27:41.160 --> 00:27:43.799
feel fulfilled, which I do feel. I want my family
531
00:27:43.880 --> 00:27:48.000
to be happy, which I feel like they are right,
532
00:27:48.039 --> 00:27:50.599
So that like those many things. Yeah, I mean it
533
00:27:50.680 --> 00:27:55.680
depends on the day, right, But it's really about taking
534
00:27:55.680 --> 00:27:58.279
a step back and saying, is this where I want
535
00:27:58.279 --> 00:27:59.039
to be right now?
536
00:27:59.400 --> 00:27:59.599
Right?
537
00:27:59.720 --> 00:28:03.200
Is it? Yes? Is this the life I had imagined?
538
00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:05.039
Or if I'm am I just going from point A
539
00:28:05.119 --> 00:28:08.920
to point B, and how am I treating myself on
540
00:28:08.960 --> 00:28:11.400
that journey? I think that's such a big part of
541
00:28:12.319 --> 00:28:15.759
how we move forward, and it's probably one of the
542
00:28:15.799 --> 00:28:17.119
hardest questions for women.
543
00:28:17.480 --> 00:28:19.079
I was going to ask, why do you think it's
544
00:28:19.119 --> 00:28:20.319
such a hard question.
545
00:28:20.599 --> 00:28:23.799
Because we do so much for everyone else, right, We're
546
00:28:23.839 --> 00:28:29.559
constantly helping and creating, and I mean, think about if
547
00:28:29.559 --> 00:28:32.400
we're talking about let's talk about moms for a second,
548
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:34.559
but women in general. It doesn't matter if you have
549
00:28:34.640 --> 00:28:37.319
kids or not. There's this nurturing sense that you kind
550
00:28:37.319 --> 00:28:41.039
of always feel like you have to do for everyone else,
551
00:28:41.359 --> 00:28:45.559
and rarely do we put ourselves first. I've learned to
552
00:28:45.559 --> 00:28:48.920
put myself first in certain respects. I still try to
553
00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:50.720
offer you my last bite of food every time. I
554
00:28:50.759 --> 00:28:53.680
always I'm so bad about that, but I'm recovering. I'm
555
00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:58.160
doing better. But that idea that we're we think we
556
00:28:58.279 --> 00:29:02.000
have to do everything for everybody else, and so we
557
00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:04.839
lose track of who we are. We don't know what
558
00:29:04.880 --> 00:29:06.880
it's like. I mean, my mom's a great example. Your
559
00:29:06.920 --> 00:29:11.160
grandmother's a great example. So she's she was a physician,
560
00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:17.079
she's eighty six years old. She constantly she did everything,
561
00:29:17.160 --> 00:29:19.680
so she sewed her clothes, she cooked dinner every night.
562
00:29:19.880 --> 00:29:22.559
She you know, and she's working full time as a physician,
563
00:29:23.319 --> 00:29:27.319
and she did everything for my dad, And when my
564
00:29:27.400 --> 00:29:30.960
dad got sick, that's what she did. She took you know,
565
00:29:31.000 --> 00:29:33.240
she did everything for him, and then when he passed away,
566
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:35.200
she didn't know what to do with herself.
567
00:29:35.559 --> 00:29:35.839
Yep.
568
00:29:36.200 --> 00:29:38.839
So guess what we did. We bought her a dog
569
00:29:39.039 --> 00:29:42.240
because she needed something to care for, right, and it's
570
00:29:42.279 --> 00:29:45.200
been for her. That's what she needs because she doesn't
571
00:29:45.240 --> 00:29:49.079
know how to do something for herself. And that's why
572
00:29:49.119 --> 00:29:51.799
it's so important for me that women understand this at
573
00:29:51.799 --> 00:29:54.519
a much younger age, I mean your age, younger than
574
00:29:54.519 --> 00:29:57.559
your age, that we need to really think about what
575
00:29:57.640 --> 00:30:01.079
we want and not compromise on things. And obviously, when
576
00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:04.400
you're in a relationship with someone somebody, there's always compromise,
577
00:30:04.839 --> 00:30:09.079
but you shouldn't compromise on yourself, right, You should keep
578
00:30:09.079 --> 00:30:11.920
that belief in yourself to understand what you're capable of
579
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:14.319
and move forward with the things that are important to you.
580
00:30:16.640 --> 00:30:17.480
That was really good.
581
00:30:17.599 --> 00:30:19.240
Thank you. I'm here for you.
582
00:30:20.400 --> 00:30:24.200
I mean it just I think hearing the question though,
583
00:30:24.240 --> 00:30:28.799
like ask yourself what you want, that in itself is
584
00:30:29.079 --> 00:30:32.839
just it's so open ended, right. I feel like a
585
00:30:32.839 --> 00:30:34.599
lot of women when they were when they hear it
586
00:30:34.640 --> 00:30:36.000
for the first time, are like, well, I don't know,
587
00:30:36.039 --> 00:30:37.359
I don't even have time to answer this.
588
00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:39.799
Question, right, Yeah, no, I agree.
589
00:30:39.839 --> 00:30:41.480
But so it's going to be one of those things
590
00:30:41.480 --> 00:30:43.599
that when you do sit down and really think about it,
591
00:30:43.599 --> 00:30:45.880
it's not going to be an overnight decision. It's going
592
00:30:45.920 --> 00:30:48.680
to be a question that you think about for weeks then.
593
00:30:49.240 --> 00:30:52.839
And it goes with like every decision you make, Right,
594
00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:55.359
is this something that I want to be doing? Is
595
00:30:55.400 --> 00:30:57.319
this the person that I want to be? Is this
596
00:30:57.359 --> 00:30:59.799
the behavior that I want to show, the behaviors that
597
00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:01.960
I want to show up in the world, you know,
598
00:31:01.960 --> 00:31:06.079
in a withh So, for example, this is a funny story,
599
00:31:06.079 --> 00:31:08.480
but the other day, I'm in the Starbucks drive through
600
00:31:08.519 --> 00:31:10.640
and I don't know, I guess I was going a
601
00:31:10.680 --> 00:31:12.799
little slow. Someone honked at me and the Starbucks drive
602
00:31:12.799 --> 00:31:16.319
through like that, come on, that never happens. And so
603
00:31:16.519 --> 00:31:21.920
instead of getting upset about it, I was like, hmm, okay,
604
00:31:22.000 --> 00:31:25.039
you know what, let me buy them a coffee to see,
605
00:31:25.119 --> 00:31:27.839
you know. And so I literally bought the woman behind
606
00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:30.160
me a coffee because I don't want to show up
607
00:31:30.160 --> 00:31:32.240
and be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe she
608
00:31:32.279 --> 00:31:33.599
was honking at me. Blah, blah blah. I was like,
609
00:31:33.640 --> 00:31:35.240
you know what, maybe she's having a tough day. Let
610
00:31:35.240 --> 00:31:37.000
me do something for her. So that's the way I
611
00:31:37.000 --> 00:31:38.319
want to show up in the world. And that's a
612
00:31:38.680 --> 00:31:44.119
that's a different perspective from my other Starbucks story that
613
00:31:44.160 --> 00:31:47.160
I have. Do you remember that story? So I'm it's
614
00:31:47.240 --> 00:31:50.000
during COVID, so obviously you don't remember. During COVID you
615
00:31:50.000 --> 00:31:53.119
couldn't walk into Starbucks. You we only could go through
616
00:31:53.119 --> 00:31:56.680
the drive through. And I'm like waiting to get into
617
00:31:56.720 --> 00:31:59.920
the drive through because it was packed, and a car
618
00:32:00.119 --> 00:32:03.759
literally jumps in front of me and goes into the
619
00:32:03.799 --> 00:32:06.799
drive through ahead of me, and I lost it. I
620
00:32:06.920 --> 00:32:10.799
literally I don't any want to go to what I
621
00:32:10.839 --> 00:32:13.240
was saying. But your sister Millie is sitting next to
622
00:32:13.279 --> 00:32:15.599
me and she's looking at me like with these huge eyes,
623
00:32:16.200 --> 00:32:21.759
and she says, Mom, you okay. I was like, no,
624
00:32:21.839 --> 00:32:25.440
I'm not okay, And she said, I think you might
625
00:32:25.480 --> 00:32:28.039
need to reread your own book. I think you've forgotten
626
00:32:28.039 --> 00:32:32.119
a few things about kindness and compassion and empathy. You
627
00:32:32.160 --> 00:32:34.680
always say that you never know what anybody else is
628
00:32:34.720 --> 00:32:38.759
going through. And I was like, oh, that was great, Yeah, Like,
629
00:32:38.839 --> 00:32:40.279
is this how I want to show up in the world. No,
630
00:32:40.359 --> 00:32:41.559
this is not how I want to show up in
631
00:32:41.559 --> 00:32:43.519
the world. I mean, we're all going to lose all
632
00:32:43.640 --> 00:32:45.759
We're human, we all have moments like this, of course,
633
00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:48.000
but it was kind of like a good reality check.
634
00:32:48.039 --> 00:32:50.759
I love how you get guys always, you know, give
635
00:32:50.799 --> 00:32:54.920
me that reality check of you know, you're being ridiculous
636
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:58.000
right now. And I think that was a great one,
637
00:32:58.039 --> 00:33:00.960
because that's not how I want to show up, right.
638
00:33:00.960 --> 00:33:02.039
I want to show up the other way. I want
639
00:33:02.039 --> 00:33:03.839
to show up when someone gets upset, I'm like, how
640
00:33:03.880 --> 00:33:06.720
can I help you? Instead of I'm the one freaking
641
00:33:06.759 --> 00:33:07.440
out about things.
642
00:33:07.480 --> 00:33:09.200
And that is such a learned skill that I do
643
00:33:09.319 --> 00:33:13.200
not have because my instant response is if someone gets
644
00:33:13.240 --> 00:33:14.960
upset at me, that I'm going to get upset. Back.
645
00:33:15.799 --> 00:33:21.480
Have six kids and you'll learn, right, okay, definitely not
646
00:33:21.480 --> 00:33:21.880
doing that.
647
00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:26.279
Your last pillar, living without limits? What does that mean
648
00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:28.880
to you as someone who has been all over the
649
00:33:28.920 --> 00:33:31.960
world with six kids?
650
00:33:32.240 --> 00:33:36.519
Yeah, I you know. I think there's two parts to it.
651
00:33:36.599 --> 00:33:38.640
I think the biggest part is really talking about how
652
00:33:38.680 --> 00:33:43.319
we limit ourselves. So the idea that we the things
653
00:33:43.319 --> 00:33:47.200
that we say to ourselves right, the way we talk
654
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:51.000
about ourselves. And again I've said before how important words are.
655
00:33:51.440 --> 00:34:00.759
But sometimes we think that it's the outside world limiting us.
656
00:34:00.799 --> 00:34:03.480
But when we really take a deep dive, we'll realize
657
00:34:03.839 --> 00:34:08.760
how much we are putting those restrictions on ourselves. So
658
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:13.119
one of the things I used to do for years
659
00:34:13.159 --> 00:34:16.280
and years was the way I would talk about myself.
660
00:34:17.280 --> 00:34:20.920
I would say, I'm just a stay at home mom,
661
00:34:21.239 --> 00:34:25.440
I'm just a volunteer, I'm just Rob's wife. Really justifying
662
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:30.079
my life and drop the just right. These are all
663
00:34:30.119 --> 00:34:32.760
parts of who I am. These are all part We
664
00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:35.239
all have different things and we need to be proud
665
00:34:35.239 --> 00:34:39.559
of exactly who we are. So that idea of not
666
00:34:39.679 --> 00:34:42.360
limiting ourselves right, and not telling ourselves that we can't
667
00:34:42.360 --> 00:34:45.480
do something, it really there's so much science behind the
668
00:34:45.519 --> 00:34:49.800
way you talk to yourself. And I didn't realize that
669
00:34:49.880 --> 00:34:51.719
for a long time. I just thought that if you
670
00:34:52.280 --> 00:34:57.360
say positive affirmations, like that's just weird. But you see
671
00:34:57.400 --> 00:35:00.119
it across the board, you see it with you see
672
00:35:00.199 --> 00:35:04.039
all kinds of people. We were just listening to a
673
00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:07.559
couple of speakers earlier today and they were talking about
674
00:35:07.559 --> 00:35:10.159
how they use positive affirmations every day. That's part of
675
00:35:10.199 --> 00:35:13.559
their practice because you have to remind yourself of what
676
00:35:13.559 --> 00:35:15.639
you're capable of. There's so much noise in the world
677
00:35:16.159 --> 00:35:21.320
that you have to be able to really say, I
678
00:35:21.320 --> 00:35:24.679
am good enough, I'm great, as I am right, I
679
00:35:25.480 --> 00:35:28.079
am powerful, I am capable of whatever I put my
680
00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:31.239
mind to. Whatever you need to tell yourself. But that's
681
00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:34.000
a big part of living without limits. Now for me,
682
00:35:34.639 --> 00:35:37.039
I took it to the next level of that. Yeah,
683
00:35:37.079 --> 00:35:40.199
my life was chaos, but I still had things that
684
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:43.800
I wanted to do. I just dragged you guys with me,
685
00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:46.119
you know. I mean when I used to ride horses,
686
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:48.679
I would take you with me to the barn, put
687
00:35:48.679 --> 00:35:51.400
you in a playpen, I'd ride, you know, take you
688
00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:53.400
out of the playpen, go back to the barn, and
689
00:35:53.880 --> 00:35:57.480
get the horse done and go home. And a lot
690
00:35:57.480 --> 00:36:00.840
of times we say that we can't do something because
691
00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:04.480
we haven't really thought it through of what we're capable of. Yeah,
692
00:36:04.559 --> 00:36:07.480
and I truly believe you are capable of whatever you want.
693
00:36:07.880 --> 00:36:09.599
You just have to set the goal and put in the.
694
00:36:09.559 --> 00:36:10.760
Work and want it.
695
00:36:11.000 --> 00:36:11.679
You have to want it.
696
00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:12.519
Yeah, Yeah, I.
697
00:36:12.480 --> 00:36:14.480
Mean that's people ask me that all the time. I
698
00:36:14.480 --> 00:36:16.559
don't understand how you do so many things, well because
699
00:36:16.599 --> 00:36:19.519
I want to do them. Yeah right, And for a
700
00:36:19.559 --> 00:36:21.559
long time I was doing things that I didn't want
701
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:24.360
to do, and that's why now I'm like, if I
702
00:36:24.440 --> 00:36:25.880
want to do it, I'm going to go after it.
703
00:36:25.920 --> 00:36:27.559
And the great thing is that your dad supports me
704
00:36:27.639 --> 00:36:29.199
on all of it. He's like, whatever you want to do,
705
00:36:30.480 --> 00:36:33.800
have at it, make yourself happy, and that's that's worked
706
00:36:33.800 --> 00:36:34.239
great for me.
707
00:36:34.800 --> 00:36:36.920
So how do you find a supportive partner? I'm just
708
00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:38.440
kidding that I think is.
709
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:40.320
Like a different I mean we got married when I
710
00:36:40.360 --> 00:36:42.519
was twenty one years old, I mean thirty two years ago,
711
00:36:42.519 --> 00:36:43.079
which is crazy.
712
00:36:43.079 --> 00:36:46.239
I'd have like the best relationship advice on finding a power, on.
713
00:36:46.239 --> 00:36:47.880
Keeping money, probably anymore. I don't know.
714
00:36:48.039 --> 00:36:48.360
I don't know.
715
00:36:48.519 --> 00:36:50.039
I don't know how you swipe. I don't know how
716
00:36:50.039 --> 00:36:51.039
you do any of those things.
717
00:36:51.039 --> 00:36:53.320
That is just not in my one time I got
718
00:36:53.320 --> 00:36:54.320
banned off with Ja D eight.
719
00:36:55.039 --> 00:36:57.760
Yeah, well you don't even know what you did, you know.
720
00:36:57.760 --> 00:36:59.400
I don't. I just got banned and then I kind
721
00:36:59.400 --> 00:37:01.320
of met my boy like a month later, So there
722
00:37:01.400 --> 00:37:01.599
you go.
723
00:37:01.719 --> 00:37:03.320
So again everything for a reason.
724
00:37:04.880 --> 00:37:08.119
I like this. You put in these questions that we wrote,
725
00:37:09.039 --> 00:37:11.800
when you how does a woman know when they're performing
726
00:37:11.840 --> 00:37:14.800
confidence versus living it? And I think this is something
727
00:37:14.800 --> 00:37:18.119
I might need explained to me because maybe I'm just
728
00:37:18.159 --> 00:37:19.360
performing my confidence.
729
00:37:19.760 --> 00:37:20.840
Do you feel it or do you not?
730
00:37:21.920 --> 00:37:23.119
Well? How do I know if I feel it?
731
00:37:23.239 --> 00:37:25.679
Well, if you're showing up and you're doing things that
732
00:37:25.679 --> 00:37:27.639
everybody else wants you to do, and you're pretending to
733
00:37:27.679 --> 00:37:30.440
be something that you're not, then you're performing it. I
734
00:37:30.480 --> 00:37:32.760
mean I was performing for a long time. I was
735
00:37:32.800 --> 00:37:35.800
at dinner the other night and one of our friends said, so,
736
00:37:35.840 --> 00:37:37.960
when I never thought of you is not confident? I
737
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:40.400
was like, well, that's because it was a facade. I
738
00:37:40.480 --> 00:37:42.599
was pretending to be something that I wasn't.
739
00:37:42.840 --> 00:37:45.400
I think I'm in the transition, right. I think like
740
00:37:45.440 --> 00:37:48.760
if you had asked me like three or four years ago,
741
00:37:48.880 --> 00:37:51.280
I would have said that I'm totally confident, but that
742
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:52.239
would have been a facade.
743
00:37:52.320 --> 00:37:52.719
Yeah.
744
00:37:52.800 --> 00:37:55.360
Like, and right now I feel like I'm deconstructing what
745
00:37:55.440 --> 00:37:58.280
I think was confidence, and like in building it up
746
00:37:58.280 --> 00:38:00.920
in a different way that's like not based off of
747
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:04.039
external aesthetics. I guess.
748
00:38:04.880 --> 00:38:06.800
I think a big part of it is that we
749
00:38:06.880 --> 00:38:09.719
don't need external validation. And I think a lot of
750
00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:13.280
times when people seem really confident, they are the people
751
00:38:13.280 --> 00:38:15.599
that still need that external validation. Oh my gosh, you
752
00:38:15.639 --> 00:38:18.360
look so amazing. You need this, you know, whatever, whatever
753
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:21.840
it is. And what you realize the more confident you
754
00:38:21.960 --> 00:38:24.199
become is that it doesn't matter what other people think
755
00:38:24.239 --> 00:38:27.079
of you. And I would say that as you were,
756
00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:29.960
when you were younger, you still needed that. You still
757
00:38:30.000 --> 00:38:33.239
needed that. You know, you would try to do a
758
00:38:33.280 --> 00:38:35.280
full phase of makeup to go to school, you know,
759
00:38:35.480 --> 00:38:36.400
high school.
760
00:38:36.400 --> 00:38:39.480
Right, And I was about that this morning.
761
00:38:39.599 --> 00:38:45.000
Yeah, And I think that happens so often in our lives,
762
00:38:45.079 --> 00:38:49.320
is that we feel that we need that external validation.
763
00:38:49.719 --> 00:38:52.480
And when you are sure, is it nice to get
764
00:38:52.519 --> 00:38:53.039
a compliment?
765
00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:53.639
Yeah?
766
00:38:53.679 --> 00:38:57.440
Absolutely. But one thing that showed me that I wasn't
767
00:38:57.440 --> 00:38:59.960
confident was that when anybody would give me a compliment,
768
00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:04.320
I would dismiss it. I wouldn't. I couldn't say thank you.
769
00:39:04.440 --> 00:39:06.360
I didn't. I mean two simple words. I couldn't say
770
00:39:06.360 --> 00:39:08.480
thank you. Someone would say, oh, your hair looks amazing.
771
00:39:08.480 --> 00:39:11.599
Oh I think it looks frizzy. That to me is
772
00:39:12.239 --> 00:39:14.239
a big sign that you're not confident. Like if you
773
00:39:14.280 --> 00:39:17.679
can't accept a compliment. Now again, we don't need external validation.
774
00:39:17.840 --> 00:39:20.519
But if someone gives you a compliment, you take it
775
00:39:20.920 --> 00:39:21.719
and you move forward.
776
00:39:22.480 --> 00:39:25.480
I think for me, I relied on external validation up
777
00:39:25.559 --> 00:39:27.480
until the point it didn't work. And what I mean
778
00:39:27.519 --> 00:39:30.440
by that is like I've been with my partner now
779
00:39:30.440 --> 00:39:33.360
for three years, and I thought, like going into it,
780
00:39:33.400 --> 00:39:35.559
I was like, if I just have a boyfriend that
781
00:39:35.599 --> 00:39:37.280
will tell me all the time that he thinks I'm
782
00:39:37.320 --> 00:39:39.559
beautiful and lovely, that I will have the confidence I
783
00:39:39.599 --> 00:39:41.840
need and I can tell you three years later that
784
00:39:41.840 --> 00:39:44.360
it's made no difference. Yeah, besides, I can.
785
00:39:44.280 --> 00:39:46.599
Like it's like I don't, Well, it's nice that he
786
00:39:46.679 --> 00:39:46.960
loves you.
787
00:39:47.079 --> 00:39:50.039
Yeah, like that the comfortability, but like it's not like
788
00:39:50.199 --> 00:39:53.360
I get more confident in my external appearance just from
789
00:39:53.400 --> 00:39:55.360
what he says. Yeah, And I think that was a
790
00:39:55.360 --> 00:39:58.079
big wake up for me. It's like, whoa, this isn't working.
791
00:39:58.239 --> 00:40:00.880
Like I'm at the point that like this is I
792
00:40:00.960 --> 00:40:03.280
need to find it in myself because I thought I
793
00:40:03.320 --> 00:40:05.480
could rely on external and I feel like that's what
794
00:40:05.519 --> 00:40:07.239
I did for a really long time. Whence it was like, Oh,
795
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:09.559
you're doing great in school, You're so funny, which I
796
00:40:09.599 --> 00:40:11.960
am so funny. Yes, you are so funny, Oh, like,
797
00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:13.760
you look so great in this and then like after
798
00:40:13.800 --> 00:40:16.559
a certain point, it's just like that's not real because
799
00:40:16.599 --> 00:40:17.960
that's not what I'm telling myself.
800
00:40:18.440 --> 00:40:21.159
And the whole point is to be real, right, And
801
00:40:22.480 --> 00:40:27.199
but so many people perform confidence, right. They they're the
802
00:40:27.280 --> 00:40:29.039
loudest people in the room, and at the end of
803
00:40:29.079 --> 00:40:35.239
the day, you know, they really struggle because they there's
804
00:40:35.239 --> 00:40:37.480
so many parts to it. I mean, we have friends
805
00:40:37.480 --> 00:40:42.880
who seem super confident, and I had a conversation I
806
00:40:42.880 --> 00:40:46.119
finally was like, oh wait, not at all, right, Yeah,
807
00:40:46.719 --> 00:40:49.480
they second guess everything, they can't make decisions.
808
00:40:49.559 --> 00:40:53.000
They and if that's what people think about me, because
809
00:40:53.039 --> 00:40:54.840
in class, I do show up that way, Like I
810
00:40:54.880 --> 00:40:56.280
show up as the loudest in the room.
811
00:40:58.440 --> 00:41:00.159
Well, are you the loudest in the room because as
812
00:41:00.199 --> 00:41:02.360
your insecurity allowed us in the room because you're.
813
00:41:02.760 --> 00:41:06.000
Comfortable in the room. Well that's like both.
814
00:41:06.079 --> 00:41:08.440
Yeah, okay, well then you're not confident enough.
815
00:41:08.480 --> 00:41:08.760
Thank you.
816
00:41:08.840 --> 00:41:09.880
We're going to keep working on it.
817
00:41:09.960 --> 00:41:11.639
Yeah, I mean it's but like it said, it's a
818
00:41:11.679 --> 00:41:13.760
twenty thousand hour Have I been I was about to
819
00:41:13.760 --> 00:41:16.440
say something really stupid, like have I even been alive
820
00:41:16.480 --> 00:41:19.239
for twenty thousand hours yet I don't know. I literally
821
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:19.639
don't know.
822
00:41:19.920 --> 00:41:22.320
Oh come on, we could do some math, but we're not.
823
00:41:22.440 --> 00:41:23.480
We're not going to do math right.
824
00:41:23.440 --> 00:41:25.679
Now, Okay, misaccountant, Yeah, I'm not doing that.
825
00:41:27.519 --> 00:41:28.599
No, I'm not doing it right now.
826
00:41:32.119 --> 00:41:34.400
What stories didn't make it into the book?
827
00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:41.360
So, I mean, there's a lot of stories. We have
828
00:41:41.559 --> 00:41:44.159
five million stories in our family. What what I really
829
00:41:44.159 --> 00:41:48.480
tried to do with this book was the well, let
830
00:41:48.480 --> 00:41:50.239
me take a step back. The first book, I told
831
00:41:50.280 --> 00:41:54.840
a lot of stories about you guys, right, and as
832
00:41:54.880 --> 00:41:57.320
you get older, those are now your stories, right, It's
833
00:41:57.360 --> 00:42:00.559
not for me to tell those stories anymore. And so
834
00:42:00.599 --> 00:42:05.360
these stories were more about me or about people that
835
00:42:05.440 --> 00:42:09.199
I know, people that I admire, And so there are
836
00:42:09.199 --> 00:42:11.559
a lot of stories about you guys that I just
837
00:42:11.599 --> 00:42:13.840
didn't bring into the book because I think you're all
838
00:42:13.880 --> 00:42:16.599
adults now and you're responsible for your own So when
839
00:42:16.599 --> 00:42:19.639
you were kids, I could talk all day long about you, right,
840
00:42:19.719 --> 00:42:21.559
I could make fun of you all the time. But
841
00:42:21.599 --> 00:42:23.760
now that you're adults, you have to do that for yourself.
842
00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:26.719
That's actually such a do the rest of the siblings
843
00:42:26.760 --> 00:42:29.320
now of that. That's a really great sentiment that I
844
00:42:29.360 --> 00:42:35.280
think they would all be very okay, would I guess?
845
00:42:36.360 --> 00:42:36.559
Yeah?
846
00:42:36.599 --> 00:42:39.000
But you're right, it is weird to think like they
847
00:42:39.000 --> 00:42:40.000
are my stories now.
848
00:42:40.119 --> 00:42:43.360
Yeah, And when you were little they were my stories,
849
00:42:43.360 --> 00:42:46.000
and now they're your stories. So you you decide what
850
00:42:46.039 --> 00:42:47.360
you want to do with them. So it's for me
851
00:42:47.440 --> 00:42:50.880
to tell my stories, my interactions, my knowledge, you know
852
00:42:51.000 --> 00:42:52.440
what I've learned, that kind of stuff.
853
00:42:55.679 --> 00:42:57.920
What was the hardest story in the book for you
854
00:42:57.960 --> 00:43:00.840
to write? And I think I have an answer for
855
00:43:00.880 --> 00:43:01.679
you already.
856
00:43:02.559 --> 00:43:03.360
What do you think it is?
857
00:43:03.920 --> 00:43:05.320
Your boyfriend's story?
858
00:43:05.440 --> 00:43:09.360
Yeah, So in my first book, I didn't talk about
859
00:43:09.360 --> 00:43:09.719
it at all.
860
00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:10.039
Yep.
861
00:43:10.599 --> 00:43:13.639
And actually the first time I said it out loud
862
00:43:13.639 --> 00:43:18.800
other than to my family and my friends, was actually
863
00:43:18.960 --> 00:43:24.239
in a speaking I was I was speaking on stage
864
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:28.119
and I told the story and I froze because I
865
00:43:28.199 --> 00:43:31.119
hadn't said it out loud before. And so when I
866
00:43:31.159 --> 00:43:34.119
was in high school, I had an abusive boyfriend and
867
00:43:36.480 --> 00:43:41.599
it really really affected my trajectory. Right, I dubted myself
868
00:43:41.760 --> 00:43:43.679
for years, and when I look back, that was really
869
00:43:43.760 --> 00:43:46.039
it and I never dealt with it. I just kind
870
00:43:46.039 --> 00:43:49.719
of stuffed it down because what will other people think?
871
00:43:49.760 --> 00:43:52.679
And there was a lot of shame. I felt guilty.
872
00:43:53.559 --> 00:43:57.519
It wasn't me right, it was right, but I didn't
873
00:43:57.559 --> 00:44:02.880
realize that for years, And so telling that story on
874
00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:05.199
stage that time, and now I can tell the story
875
00:44:05.239 --> 00:44:08.800
without freezing, because like, Okay, if I can help one
876
00:44:08.880 --> 00:44:13.599
person by sharing my struggles, then I'm absolutely going to
877
00:44:13.639 --> 00:44:17.880
share them. And so writing it was a little bit
878
00:44:17.880 --> 00:44:19.960
of a different ballgame because it brought back all the
879
00:44:20.079 --> 00:44:23.960
very specific memories and I wrote a lot of detail
880
00:44:24.239 --> 00:44:28.480
about it in this book where I when it comes
881
00:44:28.480 --> 00:44:31.159
out in the world, people that know me well, that
882
00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:33.440
don't know this story are going to be pretty shocked
883
00:44:33.440 --> 00:44:36.360
by it. But I think it's important to tell because
884
00:44:37.000 --> 00:44:39.199
we don't know what anybody else goes through unless they
885
00:44:39.280 --> 00:44:41.679
talk about it. And for me, it was really a
886
00:44:41.719 --> 00:44:44.760
healing process. So writing that story was hard, but it
887
00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:47.840
was also very helpful. And I don't look back at
888
00:44:47.840 --> 00:44:52.000
that anymore and say, I can't believe I let that
889
00:44:52.079 --> 00:44:54.079
happen to me, Right, I don't say that anymore.
890
00:44:54.760 --> 00:44:57.760
H Yeah, I hate that that's even a mindset that
891
00:44:57.840 --> 00:45:02.880
people in our society possess to abuse. Yeah, because it's
892
00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:03.840
not your fault.
893
00:45:05.440 --> 00:45:09.079
But I never knew that because I never talked about.
894
00:45:08.880 --> 00:45:12.400
It, and it's something that people don't talk about, and.
895
00:45:12.360 --> 00:45:14.440
It's still a horrific problem.
896
00:45:14.639 --> 00:45:17.760
I can yeah, I mean it's we had a conversation
897
00:45:17.960 --> 00:45:19.639
like probably six months ago where I was like, Mom,
898
00:45:19.639 --> 00:45:22.760
you need to talk to my friends about it because
899
00:45:22.800 --> 00:45:25.079
the amount of my friends that have had abusive boyfriends
900
00:45:26.039 --> 00:45:30.559
that you know, there's thirty years difference between us, and
901
00:45:30.599 --> 00:45:33.440
that the same cycle is still there and they're going
902
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:35.760
through the same struggles that I would assume that you
903
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:38.719
would have you went through a post you know, and
904
00:45:38.800 --> 00:45:42.039
just processing everything because and.
905
00:45:42.000 --> 00:45:44.719
Then if you didn't have so my parents were of
906
00:45:44.760 --> 00:45:47.679
the mindset that, first of all, I lied to him
907
00:45:47.719 --> 00:45:48.960
about all of it. I mean I came home with
908
00:45:49.000 --> 00:45:50.679
a black eye one day and I was like, I
909
00:45:50.719 --> 00:45:54.760
fell down, And I mean they knew, but they didn't
910
00:45:54.760 --> 00:45:58.440
do anything. And I probably would have freaked out if
911
00:45:58.480 --> 00:46:01.400
they did something. I don't know, right, I mean, such
912
00:46:01.440 --> 00:46:05.239
a different time, but it was so important for me
913
00:46:05.320 --> 00:46:08.559
to share my stories with you guys when you were younger.
914
00:46:08.800 --> 00:46:12.480
I don't believe I can change your mind about My
915
00:46:12.559 --> 00:46:17.320
parents would always say, like you, we want you have
916
00:46:17.360 --> 00:46:19.519
to listen to what we say because we've already made
917
00:46:19.519 --> 00:46:22.639
these mistakes. And you don't need to make them. The
918
00:46:22.639 --> 00:46:24.280
problem is I need to make my own mistakes. I
919
00:46:24.280 --> 00:46:28.159
didn't need to make that mistake. Not again, it's not
920
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:30.840
my fault, So I'm not going into that. But the
921
00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:34.679
idea that if I tell you things that I went
922
00:46:34.800 --> 00:46:37.840
through and you're like, how the heck could that happen
923
00:46:37.880 --> 00:46:41.639
to you? Right? And that's more important for me for
924
00:46:41.760 --> 00:46:44.599
you guys to understand that it can happen to anybody.
925
00:46:44.920 --> 00:46:49.360
And that's why it's so important that you build your confidence,
926
00:46:49.760 --> 00:46:53.039
that you understand your value, that your self worth is
927
00:46:53.079 --> 00:46:56.920
tied into yourself and not anybody else. And that's why
928
00:46:57.519 --> 00:46:59.000
so much of what I do, so much of what
929
00:46:59.039 --> 00:47:01.400
I talk about is to make sure you guys move
930
00:47:01.440 --> 00:47:03.719
forward in amazing ways.
931
00:47:05.800 --> 00:47:08.079
As we're wrapping up, I have a couple more questions,
932
00:47:08.119 --> 00:47:10.760
but I want to ask you the questions that we
933
00:47:10.880 --> 00:47:15.039
always ask the last guests on our podcast. So first,
934
00:47:15.159 --> 00:47:16.480
what does confidence mean to you?
935
00:47:18.239 --> 00:47:22.519
Confidence means being comfortable in your skin, wherever you are,
936
00:47:22.760 --> 00:47:25.519
whoever you are, with that you don't have to change
937
00:47:25.559 --> 00:47:28.199
who you are. I truly believe that we don't need
938
00:47:28.239 --> 00:47:29.719
to change who we are. We need to change the
939
00:47:29.719 --> 00:47:33.679
way we see ourselves, and so confidence means you can
940
00:47:33.719 --> 00:47:36.559
be anywhere you don't have to. I mean, you don't
941
00:47:36.559 --> 00:47:41.239
have to go to an event. And for example, I'm
942
00:47:41.239 --> 00:47:42.880
not a kind of person that I mean you see.
943
00:47:42.880 --> 00:47:45.280
I mean, I'm wearing black jeans. That's pretty impressive. But
944
00:47:45.599 --> 00:47:48.039
I like wearing jeans. I love wearing leggings. I love
945
00:47:48.079 --> 00:47:51.679
PJ pans even better. But I'm not going to go
946
00:47:51.760 --> 00:47:56.599
to a fancy event and dress fancy just because I'm
947
00:47:56.639 --> 00:47:59.480
told that you have to dress that way, right, I mean,
948
00:47:59.480 --> 00:48:02.559
I'm going to be respectful, trust me, but I'm not
949
00:48:02.559 --> 00:48:04.679
going to change who I am to fit in When
950
00:48:04.719 --> 00:48:08.679
I go on stage. I wear sneakers, not wearing heels
951
00:48:09.360 --> 00:48:12.400
because of falling down one time, but also not on stage.
952
00:48:12.559 --> 00:48:18.320
But this is who I am. And if people want
953
00:48:18.360 --> 00:48:21.840
to say things, then they're not people I need in
954
00:48:21.840 --> 00:48:24.800
my life. And that, I think is a big part
955
00:48:24.840 --> 00:48:30.280
of confidence, too, is understanding that the relationships the people
956
00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:34.800
that you surround yourself with are so important. So I
957
00:48:34.840 --> 00:48:37.599
will tell you that probably my favorite chapter in the
958
00:48:37.639 --> 00:48:46.559
book was talking about relationships, and not just the relationships
959
00:48:46.559 --> 00:48:48.840
you have with other people, but the relationship that you
960
00:48:48.880 --> 00:48:51.559
have with yourself. Is the relationship you have with your
961
00:48:51.599 --> 00:48:55.159
self toxic? Right? And I didn't realize that for so
962
00:48:55.239 --> 00:48:58.000
long the relationship I had with myself was toxic. And
963
00:48:58.039 --> 00:49:00.440
that's why I think it's so important that we understand
964
00:49:01.000 --> 00:49:04.119
how we treat ourselves. You would never say these things
965
00:49:04.119 --> 00:49:06.559
to your best friend. Why would you say them to yourself? Right?
966
00:49:07.119 --> 00:49:09.320
And I mean I never would do that, but I
967
00:49:09.320 --> 00:49:12.159
would say them to myself. Right. I wasn't going to
968
00:49:12.199 --> 00:49:14.000
say kind things to myself, but I'll say kind things
969
00:49:14.000 --> 00:49:17.400
to my best friend.
970
00:49:17.760 --> 00:49:20.199
What do you want me and the rest of well,
971
00:49:20.239 --> 00:49:22.239
your other two daughters to take away from the book.
972
00:49:24.440 --> 00:49:27.840
Really, I mean this is especially important now as I
973
00:49:27.880 --> 00:49:30.519
think the two of you are in your twenties and
974
00:49:30.519 --> 00:49:34.400
millies eighteen and for her, she's still at that point
975
00:49:34.480 --> 00:49:36.840
where she's in high school.
976
00:49:36.960 --> 00:49:37.360
Right, yep.
977
00:49:37.559 --> 00:49:42.760
It's like what there's the comparison game, there's scrolling constantly.
978
00:49:43.039 --> 00:49:48.480
And what I want is for all of you to
979
00:49:48.599 --> 00:49:51.199
really feel comfortable in your skin, to be able to
980
00:49:51.280 --> 00:49:53.760
speak your truth, to be able to show up as
981
00:49:53.800 --> 00:49:57.400
you are, to not be afraid of speaking out when
982
00:49:57.440 --> 00:49:59.519
you see something that you don't like, or that you
983
00:49:59.559 --> 00:50:02.239
see some thing that you find to be an injustice,
984
00:50:02.440 --> 00:50:06.280
and it's something that I never did, and so I
985
00:50:06.320 --> 00:50:08.599
think it's so important and I hope you guys take
986
00:50:08.639 --> 00:50:11.960
that away, and I hope that women who read this
987
00:50:12.039 --> 00:50:16.519
book will take away that you can. You can change
988
00:50:16.559 --> 00:50:20.440
things at any point in your life. You can be
989
00:50:20.480 --> 00:50:23.199
a teenager and work on confidence. You can be in
990
00:50:23.239 --> 00:50:26.679
your seventies and eighties and work on confidence. It's not
991
00:50:26.880 --> 00:50:29.440
something that you had to have done when you were younger.
992
00:50:30.719 --> 00:50:32.719
But it's so important how we move through the world
993
00:50:32.760 --> 00:50:35.280
because we are the only one of us that exists.
994
00:50:35.480 --> 00:50:37.639
We need to be who we are and we don't
995
00:50:37.679 --> 00:50:38.639
need to change who we are.
996
00:50:40.800 --> 00:50:45.440
Should I ask our final question, Yes, what's the best
997
00:50:45.440 --> 00:50:47.800
advice a woman in your life has ever given you?
998
00:50:48.400 --> 00:50:49.920
This is the question that we end all of our
999
00:50:49.960 --> 00:50:52.639
podcast episodes with when we have a guest on.
1000
00:50:54.880 --> 00:50:59.360
So I honestly think it came back to that conversation
1001
00:50:59.400 --> 00:51:01.880
we had in the backroom where you told me that
1002
00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:06.079
I was beautiful and I really hadn't seen myself like that,
1003
00:51:06.760 --> 00:51:10.840
and so I think that that really changed so many
1004
00:51:10.880 --> 00:51:15.239
things for me because I was so hard on myself,
1005
00:51:15.760 --> 00:51:20.880
and by you really opened my eyes to, you know,
1006
00:51:21.199 --> 00:51:24.199
seeing myself differently and that really started so much of
1007
00:51:24.199 --> 00:51:28.920
my journey to where I am now, because just saying
1008
00:51:29.079 --> 00:51:31.639
you're beautiful as you are, you don't need to change anything.
1009
00:51:32.119 --> 00:51:37.159
So thank you, very welcome. That's it for me.
1010
00:51:38.519 --> 00:51:40.480
What do you mean. Yeah, that's all I have for
1011
00:51:40.519 --> 00:51:43.119
you right now. And I'm so honored to have done
1012
00:51:43.119 --> 00:51:45.480
this with you and that you chose me. Yeah ah a,
1013
00:51:45.559 --> 00:51:46.800
screw you rest of siblings.
1014
00:51:46.840 --> 00:51:49.239
Okay, well, the rest of the siblings would not remember.
1015
00:51:49.280 --> 00:51:51.079
We brought Emma one time on the podcast and what
1016
00:51:51.079 --> 00:51:51.639
did she say?
1017
00:51:51.840 --> 00:51:52.960
I'm never doing this again.
1018
00:51:53.039 --> 00:52:08.480
That was so stressful, So thank you, thank you, yeah,
1019
00:52:08.519 --> 00:52:11.119
thank you for listening to her unshakable confidence.
1020
00:52:11.840 --> 00:52:15.599
If this conversation resonated with you, be sure to subscribe
1021
00:52:15.599 --> 00:52:17.960
and leave a review. Some more women can find the show.
1022
00:52:18.360 --> 00:52:19.599
Keep trusting yourself.
1023
00:52:20.119 --> 00:52:21.559
You are stronger than you think.
1024
00:52:21.960 --> 00:52:23.639
You are unshakable.
1025
00:52:24.440 --> 00:52:25.320
See you next week.