WEBVTT
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Hello, friends.
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This is Funnel Cake Brain.
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I'm Carp.
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Let's get it going.
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See, now that one I liked.
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So wrapping up this first month of podcasting and getting these first few out and published, I started to get a little bit of feedback, and what I got was mostly positive.
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But now is the time.
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If you hear this and you want to say something bad, now's the time to let me know so that I can fix it or work on it and can get better.
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And so I put it out with that in mind to friends and family and got some back.
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And one of the things was that these intros aren't quite working.
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And uh I couldn't agree more, but I didn't really know what to do because I was writing them down.
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I was trying to read off of a script or make a little short thing and then memorize it, or just go with just hit record and try it.
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And it it all came out exactly as you would expect.
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And I just I would love my wife just said, it sounds like you're reading off of like a like a ransom note.
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I thought, yeah, that's pretty, pretty accurate.
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Because as I would like click play on one of the the podcasts, she just like put pretend like she was reading a piece of paper in front of her and put the gun up to her head.
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Just dear mom and dad, I'm okay.
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Please send$92,000 for me to come home, and now we're gonna start the show.
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And it kind of it definitely felt that way from my seat, but also as you heard it, it just wasn't great.
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So we we tightened it up, it's just gonna be nice and short.
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I'm just thinking out loud here, talking about it, but I I like to just get into the show.
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I didn't know I heard other people say put music on it.
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I don't care.
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It's just you you click on this to listen to me talk, so I'm gonna talk.
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It doesn't need to be this long, elaborate intro with music and all that other stuff.
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And it also doesn't need to explain what this is every time.
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I I think people kind of get it.
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So that's what that's gonna be.
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I did like getting that initial feedback, and of course, the audio quality until I get a fully encased uh soundproofed room, which is basically gonna be putting up moving blankets around me in my basement, then I can get this thing off of my back of the echoiness, which really doesn't even come through that much.
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Uh, the only other thing being when I went back and redid the syllabus episode, my daughter and her friends come down and mess around with the the equipment, which is fine.
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I I don't want to tell them that they can't do stuff because it's fun to play pretend on this equipment and do their own little podcasts or whatever.
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But they took the pop filters off, and then I realized you could hear my breathing.
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It really was like a big fat guy sitting over the the roller food in the gas station, just oh yeah, this really looks good.
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And I can't stand that in my ears.
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So if I apologize again for this first month that we're working it out, and I hope I'm not blowing out people's speakers or just disturbing your eardrums.
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But it is all part of the process of just getting this thing technically sound enough so that I can get off of that aspect and just worry about the content, which leads us nicely into the the follow-up to the last two weeks, and somehow this has organically played itself out the to start with doubt, then to look for validation, and then to end on today's, which is confidence.
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And what does that mean, confidence, and this nebulous idea of what confidence is, but also that there's different types of confidence, that sometimes we put confidence in place of other things like competence or aptitude or just mood.
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And how in some instances, situationally, I can feel like I have no confidence, and underneath it all, have a lot of confidence in myself.
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And then in other scenarios, when I have a ton of confidence in my aptitude or my capabilities in a specific instance, underneath it, I feel like a complete fraud.
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And so working through those things, I I kind of nailed it down to there's situational confidence and then there's general confidence.
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Uh, and then I wanted to work on, you know, how to get better at one, how to get better at the other, or how to even just recognize them.
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And then ultimately, what does it look like as it plays out as we work on it?
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Uh and to draw in, so this is the way my brain works.
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I've come to understand that I overthink everything.
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And for the longest time, I got sidetracked with this idea that I had to learn differently.
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And I I'm not gonna blame any particular thing, but the you know, the educational system just doesn't work with the way my brain processes stuff because they give you a very um standardized set of curricula, and then you deal with it and you learn and off you go.
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And mine has always been overthinking everything and finding very disparate pieces of information to inform the main parts, and it's overthinking everything and using everything I can to make sense of a core issue.
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And so this has led me to some level of insanity in life as I've tried to merge the way I do things with the way I was taught to do things, and then no point did anybody ever just tell me, hey man, just do it the way that works for you.
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You'll make it work.
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Like you'll you'll figure out what you need to figure out.
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You don't need to change the way you operate, perhaps refine it, make sure it's operating correctly.
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But if that is your fundamental process and the natural groove you find, then get in it and get going.
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Like get worry about what you're trying to accomplish, not how you're trying to accomplish it.
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But for so long, I had spent all this time trying to retrain myself how to learn in like a more efficient way or in a way that I could describe it to other people.
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And I and the validation episode talking about the importance that I had of this of using external circumstance to validate my experience.
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Well, that also necessitated that I had to be able to either teach it or understand the way other people thought.
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And I always thought I was a bit different, or at least I was told I was, in the way that I did stuff.
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And so I thought I had to learn how to do that too, so that I could, you know, project my experience in a way that it would be understandable to people, because if I did it in this format, the uh in the way that I'm speaking now, it never got through.
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You know, how many trips to the principal's office or to a guidance counselor or to your boss to be like, listen, this isn't working for me, for them to be like, well, make it work.
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And it's like, fuck, okay, I'm the problem, I guess.
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And and enough instances in life of that happening and my refusal to take drugs for it basically led me into this isolated box of just like, I can't coexist with the world.
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And that wasn't the case at all because I had developed this adversarial relationship with everything.
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More of what I needed to do was just refine my process and focus on getting to the outcomes or getting to the work and not worry so much about the process.
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I felt this need to explain myself to everybody of how I got there, and nobody cares, which is nice, which is gonna lead us into one part of this today.
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I brought in some stuff, speaking of disparate places to grab information from, as far as confidence is concerned, I wanted to bring things from philosophy, psychology, spirituality, kind of round it all out.
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And so I have some Epictetus stuff.
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I know Aristotle worked on confidence.
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Uh, there is Carl Jung, kind of the typical you know, like Mount Rushmore people you think of in these different areas.
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Uh, you're not going to hear anything too obscure here, I don't think, but this is this is a good entry point to just approach what this confidence thing is and how great thinkers in history have approached this subject, even just how to define it, and then maybe how to work on it a little bit.
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Well, one of the things that's great in thinking of this need to explain ourselves is this line from Epictetus I'm going to bring up now, and then we'll kind of work through the outline.
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But just listen to this and and allow yourself to absorb it and appreciate it for what it is.
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You should thank the gods for making you strong enough to survive what you cannot control and only responsible for what you can.
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Let that sink in.
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It might not have hit you yet, so I'm gonna read it again.
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Because when I read this, I went, fuck yeah.
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Ah, that's good shit.
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Here it comes again.
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Get ready.
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You should thank the gods for making you strong enough to survive what you can't control, and only responsible for what you can.
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Now he goes on from here, okay, but I hope that's sunk in a little bit.
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That everything external from you, you're strong enough to deal with it.
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But the only thing that you are responsible for is the shit you can control, which is yourself.
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That's it.
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Everything else, just let it go.
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Do you feel the weight ever so slightly lift off of you?
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I did when I I was just like, man, why do I have to get permission from other people and reading this stuff?
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Why can't I figure this shit out on my own?
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But I guess this is what it is, is you gotta do this and stay open to it.
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But this is this is the core of it.
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I am strong enough to deal with life, but I'm not responsible for life.
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I'm just responsible for me.
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That's fucking awesome.
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I cannot tell you how happy that makes me.
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But he he continues and he said, the gods have released you from accountability from your parents, your siblings, your body, your possessions, for death and for life itself.
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They made you responsible only for what is in your power.
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The proper use of impressions.
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Now we can get into what Epictetus means by impressions, but it's basically like stimuli and then the impression that you immediately get before thinking, you know, for example, if someone's frowning as they talk to you, your impression might be to be put off a little bit, but you don't have any thoughts yet.
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It's that initial impression of you noticing, and then you'll think about it, assess, and then decide what to do.
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But the the initial impression, so that's what he's saying is everything that comes into you through some sort of stimulus, because this is the way we interact with the world, if you think about it, it's like we are our nervous system, essentially, and then all the chemicals and stuff that dump inside of us.
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But if we look at it that way, that everything that we catch as a net of this um nervous system we have to catch stimuli, that initial impression, the initial impulse, naked of all meaning and thought, is all we have control over.
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And then once we start to think about it or feel a certain way or put it into a context, that's our form of control.
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And if you want to take that a step further in a lot of uh different psychological studies or psychic, no, philosophical studies, schools of thought, that is where you get into you create your own meaning in life.
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Now you can go a lot of different routes in philosophy and whatever one you subscribe to, great.
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And we'll we'll work on those.
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But I do like that to a degree, maybe not for everything, because I think eventually you lead into solipsism, which is this philosophical idea that was created for narcissists where it's like I can't prove anything, therefore I am God, or some shit like that.
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And that one's pretty fun to just poke fun at, but it's it's like the new agey they they decided to basically go, well, let's make something woo-woo for narcissists.
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Yeah, I'm my own God, I can't prove anybody else's existence, so all of reality is me, and it's fucking nuts, but it really caught on, and uh it is it's and it's a movement that's everywhere, and um I guess bubbling up through the surface in various uh parts of our culture, probably unnoticed because it's not being called out.
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But if once you do see what it is, you'll see it kind of everywhere, and it's insidious, it's it's kind of a shit way to live, but uh it is intoxicating as an as a thought idea when it you approach it because you're like, oh yeah, maybe I am the only one that's in charge of all of this, and blah, blah, blah.
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And to a degree that is the case, though.
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Uh, that is why that's like the the immature extension of this idea, but I do create the meaning.
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I don't get to act as God, but I do get to act as the control center for that which comes to me.
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So that was a really cool thing I read from Epictetus.
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And so in this idea of getting confidence, why was this the natural progression from doubt to validation to confidence?
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Well, in a in a situational context, I guess we'll start there, is I can just be bad at something and then through reps and practice and repetition get better.
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And through the development of competence in whatever that thing is, I am confident that I can do it.
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And the other day, as I was approaching this, because I had been feeling very insecure, so I thought that this might be the next best thing to approach, I was thinking about times when I did feel confident.
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And most of those times circled around situational confidence, where I approached something that I sucked at, was willing to suck for as long as it took, and then eventually got better.
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And then once I was good, that feeling of confidence I had, the way that I shaped it when I was explaining it to myself, when I asked, what is what do I view confidence as?
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Is when I walk into a room and I just know I can do what's asked of me.
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That was as simple as I could make it in my head.
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If I walk into a room and somebody approaches me with something, or I just see a problem I have to deal with and I know I can do it.
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So pretty simple.
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Or, you know, and you can extrapolate that into a competitive endeavor or an educational endeavor or a business job thing, dealing with your friends or family.
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It's just situational.
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Pick a thing, can you walk into a room and deal with it and feel good about it?
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That to me is and it's like practicable, you know, about that particular thing.
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That was what situational was, but that wasn't really where I was feeling insecure.
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The I've been using my family as the example these past few podcasts.
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I'll do it again today, but I promise is not the lens through which we're gonna view everything going forward.
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But in this case, because my young family life was so messed up, because most of what had to happen that was bad to me happened within the confines of my childhood, not even necessarily at home, but during a time when I should have been cared for better or protected more, or not exposed to things that I was, it all sort of gets lumped in there together.
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That like people who I trust and who should love me, I do not trust, and I don't think they love me.
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I think they are everything that comes in a loving manner to me comes through as a type of manipulation.
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What do you want from me?
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That's essentially where I sit there, and the closer someone gets, the more sensitive I am to them asking, expecting, or my perception is them expecting anything of me to go, what do you want from me?
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I don't trust this.
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And so I lacked this incredible amount of confidence to be in the most intimate environments.
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And I was having a really hard time with it.
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Because back to the doubt and validation or even adjustment disorder, to be in a scenario where it's I know it's good, but not feel good in it.
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This is where some of that confidence would come out.
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Because even in asking my daughter or wife, they say that I seem very comfortable and confident within our family unit, that like this is all good.
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But internally, I felt like a fraud.
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I felt like this wasn't me or that I just couldn't root myself in this reality with any sort of comfort, and then feel that feeling of the situational confidence where if what whatever comes up in here, I can deal with it.
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And so I felt lost and I didn't mind running away.
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I didn't mind undermining the family because I didn't, I wasn't connected to it.
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I wasn't feeling confident within it.
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I I actually felt at certain times that my presence was a detriment to everybody.
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And it was a that's a real crazy thing when you bring it up to people and they they cannot fathom that you feel that way because that is not their experience of you at all.
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But that was the way I felt.
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And a lot of times in situational confidence, that fake it till you make it idea works.
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But in this general confidence arena, faking it till you make it doesn't really work because once you've made it, you're still faking it.
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And that's the way I was just still faking it.
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And at some point, I it had to be real, and I had to get seated in that reality and feel good there.
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There was no faking general confidence, confidence in my own existence.
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So this is what I'm working around at the time within my own family, and then it just led me to this needing to know, needing to investigate how in the world can I be so good at something and so bad at a related thing, you know, what or are they just completely different?
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And I do think there's a difference between peace of mind, which is what my ultimate goal is, and I'll keep saying that, peace of mind, comfort in my own existence, and aptitude or knowledge that I can do a thing.
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Uh and maybe just to not transmute, but like translate that idea that like do a thing, I could just maybe blanket that right over life itself and just go, I can do life just like I can do a task.
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It seems bigger, but in the fractal nature of the universe, maybe it's not.
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Maybe it's not if I could just see the bigger picture as an expansion of the smaller picture, but it's the same picture, just bigger.
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Something like that.
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So I this all sort of makes sense to me as I explain it, but there wasn't anything for me to sink my teeth into because I I'm I'm seeing all these ideas and I'm understanding them a little bit.
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They land somewhat.
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I'm not feeling really rooted in it, but I'm starting to go, okay, what do I need to work on?
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Well, why don't we go to a couple different disciplines to see what they have to say about it?
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And that's where we bring in Aurelius, Epictetus, and the Stoic philosophy idea, because think about what we just laid out with confidence.
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It does lend itself to the idea of Stoicism of being unflappable in the face of change.
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If I walk into a room and know that I can handle it, that means I can handle variables.
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That means I can handle things that aren't straightforward.
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To develop that further, maybe we subscribe to a view of the world where the only thing we're in control of is ourselves as everything else changes around us.
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And then as we develop confidence in our ability to be flexible, then we develop some confidence in this existence realm of our being.
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Not that that's gonna necessarily translate to all other areas of this general confidence, but at least in the action phase, in the actionable phase, in the dealing with life phase.
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It gets a little deeper than that when we start dealing with our own thoughts, and that's where the psychology side of it comes in.
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And then even deeper than that, when we deal with our spirit, our soul, with existence, however deep you like to take the language of spirituality, whether it's as far as religion and the things they tell you and you just accept, or it's all the way into more eastern religions where it's self-discovery, to God knows what else.
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For me, anyway, I like my spirituality is rooted in some sort of experiential understanding of things.
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I'm willing to listen to anything, but until I experience it, it's very hard for me to accept something that my soul will connect with unless I experience it.
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So that's another reason why it becomes so important for me, anyway, to expose myself to as much as possible, because I'm not ever going to take anything at face value.
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This is another thing that goes back to the way I learned, probably the way I was conditioned in the life I've led, that I'm just not gonna take anything you tell me as it is.
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This is something I could develop a better trust of, by the way.
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I don't think this is the best way to live, which is what I'm hoping through this process to develop some of these things that I recognize I lack.
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But, you know, especially in realms of things that are out of my depth or I'm clearly not understanding properly, namely the beginning of phases of sobriety when the pull of the substance and that lifestyle and everything it represented to me was far, far stronger than anything anybody was gonna tell me.
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And to, I wish I would have been better at just believing people when they told me it would it's okay, it'll get better, you gotta just stick it out.
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I had to spend eight years figuring that out the hard way.
00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:59.759
And this podcast, again, is another attempt to lay that out in a little bit longer form so that instead of spending eight years fucking your life up, you just do it quicker, one hour at a time.
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:08.000
Weekly with me and just hear what it is as my testimony to don't do that if you can help it.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:11.599
If you must, I can't blame you because that's what I did.
00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:19.119
But if I could go back eight years and just say, hey man, just get it, get it now and save yourself the trouble, I would have done that.
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:22.240
And I've heard that from everybody else who's gone down this path.
00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:33.279
Uh, it's an interesting thing when you're in meetings and you see a younger guy who's in there at maybe 18 or 20, and my heart explodes that they're in there because it's just like, fuck yeah, dude.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:36.640
Get it figured out now and save your life.
00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:39.920
Like save yourself this time that you're gonna, you know.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:23:02.319
Obviously, now I feel like it's not wasted to defer it, but why defer this growth, this opportunity the rest of your life for 10, 20 years from now when you can just figure it out now and get on with it, start enjoying some shit, or at least take it in what this life has to offer instead of shutting yourself down and hiding behind booze or drugs or whatever it is, and just get it.
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:12.079
So that's my my little pep talk here of just and and to the younger version of myself, which I has now become the older version of myself.
00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:19.599
That whole idea of the the best time to plant a tree was would have been eight years ago when I started trying to get sober.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.599
But the second best time is now, and the fact that I'm even doing it is great.
00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:35.759
But I can take the recognition that if I would have listened back then and in what what is that fucking word I'm trying shit, the funnel cake, the uh insert it.
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:38.799
God, how hard of that was of a word to think of.
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:51.680
Take that recognition that I wish I would have had eight years ago, and then just translate that to now or move it to now and insert it in my life now and go, okay, even if you don't trust it, give it a try.
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.799
Because you know that if you would have done that back then, you might have gotten to where you wanted to go a little quicker.
00:23:56.960 --> 00:23:59.519
And so that's part of what I'm doing now.
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:16.960
And there, there's that's more of the faith-based argument, too, of like, I have faith that that'll work because I've kind of seen it happen enough times over the last eight years that if I just trust the process, God forbid, that somehow it works out in the long run.
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:20.000
And so back to confidence.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:22.480
So, what do these people have to say about confidence?
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:47.680
Well, I've written some things down, and um, you know, how how would I approach this, especially if you still find yourself in the throes of addiction or haven't admitted to yourself that you're there yet, or are worried you're on the path, or aren't addicted to anything, you think, and just are looking to make some sense out of life.
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:54.720
And one of the ways that's the hardest for that this is where mood dependence gets into it as well.
00:24:54.799 --> 00:24:58.400
It's very hard to feel confident when your mood is shit.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:09.359
And I'm not I'm not well versed enough to be able to give advice on like how to pull yourself out of a bad mood because I don't, I just sit in it.
00:25:09.839 --> 00:25:14.799
Um and so I guess just get through that.
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:23.680
But my idea, at least in the way I've come to learn my own mind and emotions, is to capitalize on things when they're good.
00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:37.839
Use the positive or forward momentum of positive states to build my game plan so that when game time comes, I have established some game plan for it.
00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:48.480
And I use the like the example of football, which is you you only play the game for three hours on Sunday, but you plan for it all week.
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:56.640
And there's you know, it's 90% planning and actually 10% in action, in performance.
00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:03.039
So that's why I I hope I don't sound too pedantic when I talk about my studies in the morning.
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:12.400
It's more of just like this is the stuff where I'm planning, I'm building a game plan for when these things come and I know that my emotional and rational mind are gonna fall to shit.
00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:36.240
Do I have a framework built that I can just lay back into and trust because I've built that foundation to know it'll be sturdy behind me and hold me up, and then rest in that until whatever discombobulation I feel goes away, and then I I can act outwardly into the world again in some type of coherent manner.
00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:59.279
And that's as far as I've gotten in this part of development is that the understanding of I can't take myself out of a bad thought process or bad mood yet, or if ever that could happen, but I can, in times of good or clarity or whatever, build up a framework that can hold me up when that shit happens and then trust and rely on it in those moments to just get me through to the other side.
00:26:59.519 --> 00:27:08.640
And another part of that whole faith thing is that these horrible experiences, even when I was okay to just like die, they passed.
00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:12.799
And that's what's so hard to get across, even to myself.
00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:16.079
But I mean, imagine trying to do that to somebody who's in it.
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:22.160
That you know, the this too shall pass, again, the simpler it is, the closer it is to the truth.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:30.960
That is it's it sounds so that it's like childish, like this too, yeah, no shit, this will fucking pass.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:33.599
Okay, and then the thing behind it'll be even worse, I bet.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:37.279
That was that was the the worldview I operated out of.
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:46.160
But once I saw enough evidence that this too shall pass, and I saw how bad it had gotten when it was bad, and then I'm not there anymore.
00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:56.559
These minor inconveniences, too, that would throw me for a complete loop as I overgeneralized or over-reacted, I can handle those a lot easier.
00:27:56.880 --> 00:27:59.920
Not gonna get a ton of reps and complete life upheaval.
00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:05.839
Uh you only get a few of those, but you'd hope by building out this other stuff you handle it a little better when it comes.
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:11.039
And this idea of death and making friends with death, why not?
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:12.079
It's gonna happen.
00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:13.200
You can't avoid it.
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:19.119
A lot of people like to ignore or forget that they're gonna die someday.
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:29.200
And I think that should lead to a little bit of immediacy in this idea of like, hey, maybe I should be in better communion with myself and stop putting this shit off.
00:28:29.839 --> 00:29:12.640
Um, and perhaps, I don't know, I don't want to get too far off track of confidence here, but that's something that I've really noticed as far as where I say distraction is the devil, because to me, the most important work of life is to develop this peace of mind with yourself so that you can experience life fully without all of these um compensatory models, at least that I built, to avoid trauma or protect myself, live in this defensive posture, or if you're more of the type to live in an offensive posture where I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna take over the world, I'm gonna change things, I'm going to assert myself on the world.
00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:14.160
Good luck.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:24.079
But perhaps a better thing to do would be to say, I'm going to become completely comfortable with my existence and just enjoy whatever falls at my feet.
00:29:24.319 --> 00:29:36.720
And that that to me is leading to see this isn't a direct route to confidence, but it's starting to take a little bit of shape to me as I talk this out with you, and as I've kind of looked at all these different areas.
00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:40.000
And this is the way my brain makes sense of the world.
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:44.799
It looks like a funnel cake, but it operates somewhat like a mind.
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:53.920
So using these little things to sort of slowly bring things into focus, I can say, all right.
00:29:55.200 --> 00:30:01.680
Having some sort of peace of mind is really most of what I'm going for.
00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:08.880
So as I develop these skills, maybe focus a little bit less on the external.
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:21.440
Uh, same thing, you know, that that's this is where I have a hard time with thoughts versus emotions, what's more real, because I tend I tend towards being more rational than emotional.
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:30.799
But that has led me to not address my emotions at all to where I'm thrown off far more by my emotions than anything, and I'm overthinking everything.
00:30:30.960 --> 00:30:33.680
I identify with my thoughts more than my feelings.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:45.279
I think that can go bad either way when on the polarity between, you know, one side which is thought and one side which is emotion, kind of take that slider and move it somewhere in the middle-ish.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:48.799
And that's I've just been way too far over on the rational side.
00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:55.839
If I can't prove it, if it's if it's uh not empirically evident, then it isn't real.
00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:07.839
And that's a hard thing with emotion because those are more ethereal and like this vapor that all of a sudden like humidity just washes over you and you're sweating in anger or worry or whatever it is.
00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:09.759
That that sort of shit.
00:31:10.079 --> 00:31:20.480
And so working on all of that, losing my train of thought currently, but getting to the crux of this all, which is just being okay with your own existence and all of these different ways to get there.
00:31:20.640 --> 00:31:24.160
And what the fuck is confidence and what the fuck is existence?
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:37.039
These things, as well as as I wrap my head around them so much and so often, tend to work themselves into like words that you when you say them enough times, they stop making sense.
00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:50.400
That is the the what happens with this overthinking side of things, to where I can think I need to think enough to be able to get my mind around it, but not so much that it then becomes a jumble.
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:56.880
And once I get to the point of simply understanding a little bit, that's where I need to pay more attention to emotion.
00:31:57.119 --> 00:32:07.920
And that's the the next thing to work on, to where these emotions are signals to guide in a direction.
00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:23.839
And I feel like in the same way, like facts and truths, as I've talked about, like thinking is the fact side, emotions are the truth side, where emotions are going to give you the exact data, but they sort of move you towards where you should be going.
00:32:24.079 --> 00:32:27.920
If I'm feeling disturbed internally, I'm probably off base.
00:32:28.160 --> 00:32:40.880
If I'm feeling so disturbed and still moving in that direction, that everything inside of me is a complete fucking mess, and the only way to settle it down is through some sort of substance or addictive behavior.
00:32:41.519 --> 00:32:51.039
That you can see how far off base you could get and how you the assist of this um uh what what do we call steroids?
00:32:51.200 --> 00:32:52.480
Performance-enhancing drugs.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:56.240
This is like a performance-enhancing drug in the direction of your demise.
00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:03.680
I was nobody thought about that, but that's essentially what addictive behaviors are, or you know, addictive substances.
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:16.799
It's a performance-enhancing drug to oblivion, and it speeds it up, it allows you not to feel the pain, it allows you not to hear your inner voice, and it will build a whole new world where that's the only thing that matters.
00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:29.279
And so um, you can see how riding along the rails of that shit, too, causes you to lose uh confidence in your own internal voice because I haven't been in connection with it in so long.
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:32.640
Anyway, so working our way back here.
00:33:33.279 --> 00:33:50.240
Um initially, though, I'm I just I this long circuitous route to get back to mood dependence, building out a plan why while I feel good to support me when I'm feeling bad.
00:33:50.559 --> 00:34:02.880
And it's the other day, in the midst of everything, I just felt like shit, hit with a brick, wiped on the curb, and stepped on by a bum.
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:05.599
And I just couldn't get out of it.
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:18.480
And so I started leaning back on all the stuff I'm talking to you about because obviously these things are becoming self-evident to me, but they they don't get to be put in practice all the time.
00:34:18.800 --> 00:34:25.519
And to take it to the laboratory to me, anyway, is to take this stuff out into life and see how it works, and so I did.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:57.199
I rested in this feeling of like I'm not confident, and it reminded me of if you've ever seen the movie called Sexy Beast, and um, it's like Ray Mont Ray Wilmington, I don't know, but the guy is it's the one of the greatest opening scenes in a movie, unless you're disgusted by kind of flabby men, but it's the uh this Ray, I can't remember the actor's name, but Ray, something or other.
00:34:57.440 --> 00:35:06.559
And uh he's laying on a beach chair, just baking in the sun, covered in oil, tan, and like a speedo.
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.760
And he's like, Oh yeah, bloody hell.
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:22.880
I'm sweating here, roasting, boiling, baking, sweltering, is like a sauna, a furnace.
00:35:24.159 --> 00:35:32.639
And it was that perfectly encapsulated this feeling of being a piece of shit wiped on the curb and stepped on by a bum.
00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:42.800
But I took that voice from that scene, it just popped into my head of just if I'm gonna be laying here on this curb feeling like shit, just accept it.
00:35:43.119 --> 00:35:52.639
Just go, eh, I'm laying here feeling like a piece of shit in the sun, boiling, turning into shit jerky.
00:35:54.559 --> 00:36:00.320
And in doing that, again, this is why humor works so well for me.
00:36:00.559 --> 00:36:11.039
It just gave me some separation from the emotional severity of the situation, but it also led me to basically go, okay, this is one of those moments.
00:36:11.199 --> 00:36:12.239
I feel like shit.
00:36:12.400 --> 00:36:17.519
I have now created enough emotional space to employ this strategy.
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:19.440
And so that's what I did.
00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:27.360
And at the time, it really what the strategy was at the outset of this was two, was curiosity.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:33.280
And I talked about that, where I don't have the tools yet, and this is what this is is building those tools out or the framework for it.
00:36:33.519 --> 00:36:35.039
But I did have curiosity.
00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:37.920
So the first thing I did was get curious about that.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:39.760
Why do I feel like shit right now?
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:45.440
I was walking up the stairs getting ready to like put my son to bed, and it just it just washed over me.
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:50.320
Like the day had gone pretty much fine, and then all of a sudden I got hit with this like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:36:50.480 --> 00:36:55.280
And it wasn't about putting him to bed, and it wasn't about the day that had just passed, it was just out of nowhere.
00:36:55.519 --> 00:36:56.239
What am I doing?
00:36:56.320 --> 00:36:57.840
What is it what am I doing with my life?
00:36:57.920 --> 00:36:59.440
What the fuck is happening?
00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:09.039
And all of a sudden, no matter what accomplishments I had for that day or what I was about to go do that I knew I could, uh, it didn't matter.
00:37:09.199 --> 00:37:14.400
It didn't matter because in that moment, I just for some reason it washed over me.
00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:16.800
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:20.320
And then I got curious.
00:37:20.480 --> 00:37:26.159
I started thinking about situational confidence versus like this, whatever this thing that's not working right now is not situational.
00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:26.719
This is me.
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:28.559
I I don't feel good in this.
00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:32.880
And then it led me to start asking questions about well, how could I get there?
00:37:33.199 --> 00:37:49.119
So that was the first part of the process, and now that we're building out the game plan, and part of that, building out the game plan part of it, was um, after asking the questions, to then start investigating and then to talk about it.
00:37:49.280 --> 00:38:01.519
I I'm looking here through my outline, so it's now I'm losing trains of thought and apologizing profusely because this is not good radio as I look for things that I'm trying to talk about without having them in front of me.
00:38:02.079 --> 00:38:09.119
But if I if I could the funnel cake is really activated right now, it's taking me in many different directions.
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:13.440
I'm still hung up on speaking with that that accent.
00:38:13.679 --> 00:38:14.400
Oh, yeah.
00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:17.920
I want to go through the rest of this podcast talking like this.
00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:21.199
Fuck.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.840
Alright, see, this is why I was bad in school.
00:38:25.039 --> 00:38:28.000
Alright, so game planning.
00:38:28.480 --> 00:38:29.119
Fuck.
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:39.920
Um building out the game plan and understanding the difference between situational and general confidence.
00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:49.360
I came to discover where okay, I have picked up the train and set it firmly back on the tracks here.
00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:51.760
We are going forward again, I promise.
00:38:53.039 --> 00:39:08.400
I came to the conclusion through this washing over of insecurity and this work that I then found through these stoic philosophers and psychological psychologists and spiritual thinkers, whatever.
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:14.320
Um, I think there's a Buddhist practice called Sata S-A-D-D-H-A.
00:39:14.639 --> 00:39:25.840
I don't have it pulled up, but uh there's like a whole Buddhist thing about this too, which means you know, pick your poison here, whatever backdrop of the truth that you want, veil your truth in that.
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:30.880
So whether or not it's philosophical, spiritual, psychological, they're all getting to the same place.
00:39:31.039 --> 00:39:33.280
And this and that is this this whole confidence thing.
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:52.480
So I just lay that out that like Jung and um Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius and Aristotle and Buddhist Sata, or you know, who the fucking jerry your uncle down the street, they all have they're all trying to get to the same place, they just use different languages and shit to get there.
00:39:52.639 --> 00:39:56.559
I just like to see it in all these like a kaleidoscope in many different lights.
00:39:56.719 --> 00:40:00.320
But ultimately, when you pull a kaleidoscope away, you're still staring at the light.
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:01.599
This is where we're getting to.
00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:03.599
And in this case, that light is confidence.
00:40:03.760 --> 00:40:10.639
And so um I recognized that I felt insecure, and I thought, well, fuck it.
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:13.679
Why not just be confident in my insecurity?
00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:14.639
Huh.
00:40:14.960 --> 00:40:15.280
Okay.
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:17.280
Let that sink in for a minute.
00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:18.800
What is that what does that mean?
00:40:19.119 --> 00:40:21.519
He goes, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:40:22.079 --> 00:40:26.880
And I brought it up to a friend later when we met up.
00:40:27.039 --> 00:40:28.079
We have this Sunday thing.
00:40:28.159 --> 00:40:31.599
I I tried to start like a I didn't AA isn't my thing.
00:40:31.679 --> 00:40:39.199
So I wanted to start a different sort of group that was like this, where it's more of an open forum to just deal with stuff and kind of how are you figuring it out?
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:42.239
And uh, it's me and one other person.
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:47.519
I've invited so many people and tried to get this thing up off the ground.
00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:51.119
And it just uh what are you gonna do when you're when you're off the beaten path?
00:40:51.199 --> 00:40:52.960
Don't expect a lot of people to meet you there.
00:40:53.199 --> 00:40:55.760
But the ones that do, you're gonna connect with really well.
00:40:55.840 --> 00:41:01.360
And for me and my friend, um I brought this up and it was like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either.
00:41:01.519 --> 00:41:16.480
And even in just verbalizing that, externalizing it, and hearing from someone else, it lessened maybe this internal stigma of like needing to know what's going on, um, that other people were feeling the same way.
00:41:16.719 --> 00:41:21.519
But it also was like, what if I could just be confident in my unknowing?
00:41:21.599 --> 00:41:24.400
What if I could just be okay with being insecure?
00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:30.480
What if, to lead back to the Stoic sort of philosophy, is no matter what comes my way, it doesn't matter.
00:41:30.800 --> 00:41:32.559
I have the strength to deal with it.
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:39.199
I don't know if I have the competence or aptitude, at least at first until I develop it, but I as a human being can handle it.
00:41:39.360 --> 00:42:02.239
And that is sort of where, after all of this extemporaneous shit I've just been talking about comes to land at some of it of a simple uh conclusion in that the general way that I'm coming to find where my confidence is not in anything external.
00:42:02.480 --> 00:42:08.559
Usually the validating thing that I use is external, so I felt the need to get good at that stuff to feel confident.
00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:23.599
Once the validating element became internal, then I could direct my attention to where it was properly seated inside and get that shit all buttoned up, and then I could just take on whatever happens.
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:35.599
So to not be afraid of life requires that I get the inside right, as opposed to I'm not afraid of life because I'm going to assert my will on everything.
00:42:35.840 --> 00:42:48.960
And that is where I see evidence, and everybody can recognize it with these fucking billionaires and tech people now, but uh, it's always with politicians and kings and you know, pick an era, and there's they're full of assholes.
00:42:49.280 --> 00:42:51.840
But this it's right in our faces right now.
00:42:52.079 --> 00:42:52.800
Never enough.
00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:54.559
I'm gonna control everything.
00:42:54.800 --> 00:43:00.000
Um, you know, it's funny when people usher in the Antichrist that they start saying you're the Antichrist.
00:43:00.559 --> 00:43:06.400
Uh the Shakespearean line, I don't think you protest too much or something.
00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:09.039
Dude, that was a mistake.
00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:14.480
I should not be trying to call up Shakespearean fucking uh lines when I don't know shit about them.
00:43:14.559 --> 00:43:17.199
But me doth think you protest too much.
00:43:17.519 --> 00:43:24.400
Or in you know, the sexy beast, uh me does thinks you protest too much.
00:43:24.639 --> 00:43:26.079
Boiling, sweltering.
00:43:26.559 --> 00:43:29.679
There's anyway, sorry.
00:43:30.800 --> 00:43:37.360
That is sort of where we're seeing this out in culture and shit, and the stuff that's impacting us, and it sucks, it's terrible.
00:43:37.519 --> 00:43:48.639
Uh, I was thinking about that this morning when I was on a walk with my dog and my son early, early, uh, because these fucking idiots in my neighborhood walk around with their dogs off leash, these little yappy pieces of shit.
00:43:50.639 --> 00:43:56.559
And they come at they come at me and my son and my dog, and I'm like, I I will I punted, okay?
00:43:56.639 --> 00:43:58.079
I punted in football.
00:43:58.239 --> 00:43:59.679
I will punt this fucking dog all.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:00.960
Over the moon.
00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:02.400
Get it out of here.
00:44:02.639 --> 00:44:07.760
And so this is this is my morning routine that's supposed to settle me down, by the way.
00:44:07.920 --> 00:44:10.239
But these assholes, they think they're better than the leash.
00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:10.639
Whatever.
00:44:10.719 --> 00:44:11.519
My dogs are different.
00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:14.079
Yeah, you're everybody's shit is different than everybody else's.
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:15.679
Just put the fucking thing on the leash.
00:44:15.840 --> 00:44:16.239
Sorry.
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:16.719
Woo.
00:44:16.960 --> 00:44:18.559
That got real angry real fast.
00:44:19.280 --> 00:44:23.599
Clearly, I need some clearly I need some work.
00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:28.400
All right, so I'm walking around and I'm thinking about these tech assholes.
00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:32.400
You know, it's a lot of things are starting to happen that are throwing my day off.
00:44:32.800 --> 00:44:40.880
But uh, I think it was JD Vance, one of these people who's supposed to be like looking out for us, who's like, yeah, the end times are here.
00:44:41.679 --> 00:44:45.599
And uh, you know, hopefully we're still around.
00:44:46.079 --> 00:44:49.119
Meaning him and his fucking buddies, not you and me.
00:44:49.679 --> 00:44:57.760
And uh I just thought it was funny though, because all of these guys that insert themselves into the world and say, I'm gonna make the world a better place, I'm gonna change everything.
00:44:57.840 --> 00:44:59.599
It's like, dude, you change your inner world.
00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:01.360
You're a piece of shit.
00:45:01.599 --> 00:45:06.000
If you can't even figure you out, how the fuck are you gonna figure out the world?
00:45:06.159 --> 00:45:10.639
And that's where I get so it's it's like anger laughing.
00:45:11.039 --> 00:45:12.079
I don't know what that term is.
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:18.239
I bet the Germans have a word for it, like Laufenschweigenhagen, where it's this is so absurd.
00:45:18.400 --> 00:45:24.000
I I'm pissed because you're destroying our lives, but at the same time, I realize that your your efforts are fruitless.
00:45:24.159 --> 00:45:25.760
You're gonna die too, asshole.
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:28.239
We're all gonna die, and none of this means anything.
00:45:28.480 --> 00:45:33.440
As far as like your plans for the fucking world, and you aren't the first one.
00:45:33.679 --> 00:45:39.360
Sorry to tell you, but look back and hiss every dumbass who thought that they could change the world.
00:45:39.599 --> 00:45:44.079
Turns out they couldn't, which also makes me then laugh that, like, eh, we're gonna be fine.
00:45:44.320 --> 00:45:54.639
Because once you can get this inner peace, this confidence, and something that I forget who said it, but in in process of compiling this stuff, it was like you can be in the midst.
00:45:54.719 --> 00:45:55.679
Oh, it was it was Hermes.
00:45:55.840 --> 00:45:57.280
I was I was reading something about Hermes.
00:45:57.440 --> 00:45:59.679
I think it was an AI breakdown, too, which is funny.
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:04.239
I I'm going to the Antichrist to ask these questions, but fuck it, it's there, I'm gonna use it.
00:46:04.559 --> 00:46:06.480
And so I'm asking it.
00:46:06.639 --> 00:46:18.800
Herm, the Hermetic idea was like in the midst of nuclear Holocaust or the end of the like you could still be fine because it's just like this is what the existence is putting in front of me at the time.
00:46:18.880 --> 00:46:23.519
It sucks to lose everything, but like I just accept what is.
00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:33.519
There was a self-help book called uh like extreme acceptance or something, which of course gets like really watered down into something that you can sell in book form, which who knows?
00:46:33.599 --> 00:46:38.239
I'll probably write a book someday and and be shown to be a complete fucking hypocrite.
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:46.880
But uh in this case, it it rings true in that a lot of these philosophers and everything, it really just comes down to acceptance.
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:54.159
And these guys that are trying to change the world aren't accepting shit or they're trying to mold it to whatever their vision is, and it's not gonna work.
00:46:54.320 --> 00:47:03.920
Like if if you want some level of just like uh to lessen your concern about these psychopaths, it's not gonna work.
00:47:04.079 --> 00:47:05.039
It never has.
00:47:05.199 --> 00:47:07.760
You don't get to just take over the world, there's too many variables.
00:47:07.920 --> 00:47:12.639
These are people that can't figure out themselves, they're operating out of the lizard brains.
00:47:12.880 --> 00:47:15.760
And, you know, I have gone off onto conspiracy theories.
00:47:15.840 --> 00:47:23.119
It's no surprise, I'm sure, that the mind inside my head is attracted to conspiracy theory, or it was, I'm much less so now.
00:47:23.280 --> 00:47:27.840
But I did love this idea of like lizard people and reptiles.
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.360
I know we're way, way off from confidence right now.
00:47:31.519 --> 00:47:32.559
We'll we'll bring it back.
00:47:32.719 --> 00:47:34.159
This is more fun for me.
00:47:34.400 --> 00:47:43.440
But lizard people, maybe I can't get on board with like lizards wearing human skin, but we all have a lizard brain.
00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:48.880
We do have the limbic system, which is the the fight or flight, the non-reasoning, non-rational.
00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:52.079
It's just like, I need to eat, I need to fuck, I need to kill.
00:47:52.400 --> 00:47:56.880
And when you operate out of that, you operate as if you're a reptile.
00:47:57.039 --> 00:47:58.079
That's all you got.
00:47:58.239 --> 00:48:09.360
And so I think that that's really where we're getting to when we talk about these lizard people, is that they're just operating off the most base, instinctual, animalistic shit.
00:48:09.440 --> 00:48:13.920
They're not, they're like less human than than they are a reptile.
00:48:14.159 --> 00:48:27.119
Which the leader of this fucking thing, Peter Thiel, who has his own like elite meeting school of fucking weirdos, his name is an anagram for the reptile.
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:30.960
Is that not like weird and funny to anybody else?
00:48:31.119 --> 00:48:32.239
I haven't heard that anywhere.
00:48:32.320 --> 00:48:33.039
I saw that the other day.
00:48:33.119 --> 00:48:35.840
I was looking at his name and I was like, this guy looks like a lizard.
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:36.960
He's an asshole.
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:42.159
He's talking about ushering in like the end of humanity and like jerking off about it.
00:48:42.320 --> 00:48:44.960
And his name is an anagram for the reptile.
00:48:45.119 --> 00:48:52.320
All these things are like almost so absurd that if you believe in simulation theory, you're like, the simulation is just fucking with us, or God or whomever.
00:48:52.400 --> 00:48:55.039
It doesn't really matter because we're all gonna die.
00:48:55.199 --> 00:49:13.840
But but in light of all of that, I was walking out there preparing to punt a dog, thinking about our technocratic overlords, and just trying to get a little bit of serenity in the beginning of my morning and not push any of this off onto my son who I'm pushing in a stroller.
00:49:14.159 --> 00:49:23.199
And it kind of dawned on me that, like, these people who are seemingly so confident in what they're doing, it's a projection.
00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:24.559
They don't know shit.
00:49:24.880 --> 00:49:37.360
And they have such they are so disconnected from their inner world that they're just expanding themselves exponentially out to try to control everything.
00:49:37.519 --> 00:49:38.239
Imagine that.
00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:43.920
You are so insecure internally that you're gonna control the fucking world.
00:49:44.239 --> 00:49:47.039
Dude, I can't keep my room clean.
00:49:47.199 --> 00:49:48.960
What are you talking about?
00:49:49.280 --> 00:49:51.920
So that is where I look at that.
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:58.000
Sometimes comparison is so good to go, I want to be the 180 degree opposite of that.
00:49:58.320 --> 00:50:03.440
And that leads me into this, and that gives me confidence that I'm on the right path.
00:50:03.599 --> 00:50:18.559
Now, whether or not I feel confident all the time, situationally or generally, I do use all of this to come back around, to circle it in, to see how we've taken the long way, to get to, I'm pretty confident that what the path I'm on is the right one.
00:50:18.719 --> 00:50:25.679
Help people out, empower them, make people feel good, also lessen their concern that the psychos of the world are gonna take over.
00:50:25.760 --> 00:50:27.440
I mean, they're taking over their world.
00:50:27.519 --> 00:50:28.719
They haven't taken over yours.
00:50:28.800 --> 00:50:29.920
You're still in charge of it.
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.760
You get to decide what's inside of here.
00:50:31.920 --> 00:50:37.679
And that's what I realized when I had a good life and I was miserable is that, oh, fuck, I'm the one in charge and I'm making it bad.
00:50:37.840 --> 00:50:41.119
So if the outside one looks bad, make your inside one good.
00:50:41.440 --> 00:50:46.480
And in doing so, that is where I believe this general confidence comes from.
00:50:46.559 --> 00:50:52.480
It's not a magic pill, a one size fits all, a switch you can flip.
00:50:52.719 --> 00:51:00.880
It is something that's gonna have to be worked around through all of these disparate disciplines and understandings, which is why I bring them all in here.
00:51:00.960 --> 00:51:02.559
And this is the way the world makes sense to me.
00:51:02.719 --> 00:51:12.639
Now, if you're listening to this, thank God that you've made it this far, because I finally got to my conclusion, and you disagree, that's fine, but you probably just don't operate like I do.
00:51:12.800 --> 00:51:18.480
And I I sometimes wish that that was the way I operated, because it would really clean up this process.
00:51:18.639 --> 00:51:23.920
But since I've come to understand who I am and how I operate, this is the way I get there.
00:51:24.079 --> 00:51:29.199
And it's kind of fun, it's really frustrating most of the time, but sometimes it's a lot of fun.
00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:38.159
And so at the end of all of that, I've once again neglected about half of this outline, and we'll come back around to it.
00:51:38.320 --> 00:52:02.880
But I hope I illuminated in some way what my conception of confidence is now and where I'm looking to head with it, and how even in the midst of not feeling so good, I don't need to be confident necessarily in the situation or even in myself, but use instances where I was confident to build a framework to rest against when I don't feel that way.
00:52:03.360 --> 00:52:24.400
Because knowing that I am so mood-dependent on these thought models or emotional uh upheavals or like slights where they're moving off center, I lean into the rational side of my brain to go, I've already built the the net to catch me here, and I can trust it.
00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:36.079
So I'm gonna sit there and I don't need to understand it, I don't need to feel good, I just need to sit in it because I've spent the time to make sure that I'm safe here until the storm passes.
00:52:36.480 --> 00:52:38.559
And that's that's really all there is to it.
00:52:38.639 --> 00:52:46.320
And the the instant gratification of alcoholism took me out of that idea of patience that just being in it is okay.
00:52:46.559 --> 00:52:50.559
You're not meant to go out in squalls and storms and fucking conquer them.
00:52:50.719 --> 00:52:52.960
You just bat in the hatches and wait it out.
00:52:53.119 --> 00:52:54.159
And that's okay.
00:52:54.320 --> 00:52:55.599
I thought I had to be good.
00:52:55.679 --> 00:53:00.880
I had thought I had to be the best storm fighter in the whole world in order to accomplish whatever I needed to.
00:53:00.960 --> 00:53:04.800
And sometimes it's okay to just say, hey, I'm gonna wait this one the fuck out.
00:53:05.119 --> 00:53:12.639
I have confidence in that now, because sometimes it is nice to just not do shit and uh just wait to see what comes next.
00:53:12.800 --> 00:53:17.760
And in that case, I'll leave you there and we'll see what comes next week.
00:53:17.920 --> 00:53:24.639
Hopefully, with a little less echo, with a little more insight, and some more organization.
00:53:25.199 --> 00:53:26.880
So I hope you have a great week.
00:53:27.039 --> 00:53:28.320
It was fun spending the time with you.
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:29.280
I'll talk to you then.
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:02.000
Hello, friends.
00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:04.000
This is Funnel Cake Brain.
00:00:04.240 --> 00:00:05.120
I'm Carp.
00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:06.320
Let's get it going.
00:00:07.759 --> 00:00:09.439
See, now that one I liked.
00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:22.559
So wrapping up this first month of podcasting and getting these first few out and published, I started to get a little bit of feedback, and what I got was mostly positive.
00:00:22.640 --> 00:00:23.600
But now is the time.
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:30.559
If you hear this and you want to say something bad, now's the time to let me know so that I can fix it or work on it and can get better.
00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:36.079
And so I put it out with that in mind to friends and family and got some back.
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:40.399
And one of the things was that these intros aren't quite working.
00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:46.159
And uh I couldn't agree more, but I didn't really know what to do because I was writing them down.
00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:56.640
I was trying to read off of a script or make a little short thing and then memorize it, or just go with just hit record and try it.
00:00:56.880 --> 00:01:00.320
And it it all came out exactly as you would expect.
00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:08.480
And I just I would love my wife just said, it sounds like you're reading off of like a like a ransom note.
00:01:09.040 --> 00:01:11.519
I thought, yeah, that's pretty, pretty accurate.
00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:20.079
Because as I would like click play on one of the the podcasts, she just like put pretend like she was reading a piece of paper in front of her and put the gun up to her head.
00:01:20.319 --> 00:01:24.239
Just dear mom and dad, I'm okay.
00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:30.799
Please send$92,000 for me to come home, and now we're gonna start the show.
00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:38.000
And it kind of it definitely felt that way from my seat, but also as you heard it, it just wasn't great.
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:42.239
So we we tightened it up, it's just gonna be nice and short.
00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:47.519
I'm just thinking out loud here, talking about it, but I I like to just get into the show.
00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:50.640
I didn't know I heard other people say put music on it.
00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:51.680
I don't care.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:55.760
It's just you you click on this to listen to me talk, so I'm gonna talk.
00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:00.959
It doesn't need to be this long, elaborate intro with music and all that other stuff.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:05.439
And it also doesn't need to explain what this is every time.
00:02:05.519 --> 00:02:07.359
I I think people kind of get it.
00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:09.840
So that's what that's gonna be.
00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:31.199
I did like getting that initial feedback, and of course, the audio quality until I get a fully encased uh soundproofed room, which is basically gonna be putting up moving blankets around me in my basement, then I can get this thing off of my back of the echoiness, which really doesn't even come through that much.
00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:39.919
Uh, the only other thing being when I went back and redid the syllabus episode, my daughter and her friends come down and mess around with the the equipment, which is fine.
00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:47.199
I I don't want to tell them that they can't do stuff because it's fun to play pretend on this equipment and do their own little podcasts or whatever.
00:02:47.360 --> 00:02:51.120
But they took the pop filters off, and then I realized you could hear my breathing.
00:02:52.479 --> 00:03:01.199
It really was like a big fat guy sitting over the the roller food in the gas station, just oh yeah, this really looks good.
00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:03.840
And I can't stand that in my ears.
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:12.800
So if I apologize again for this first month that we're working it out, and I hope I'm not blowing out people's speakers or just disturbing your eardrums.
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:35.840
But it is all part of the process of just getting this thing technically sound enough so that I can get off of that aspect and just worry about the content, which leads us nicely into the the follow-up to the last two weeks, and somehow this has organically played itself out the to start with doubt, then to look for validation, and then to end on today's, which is confidence.
00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:50.560
And what does that mean, confidence, and this nebulous idea of what confidence is, but also that there's different types of confidence, that sometimes we put confidence in place of other things like competence or aptitude or just mood.
00:03:51.120 --> 00:04:00.960
And how in some instances, situationally, I can feel like I have no confidence, and underneath it all, have a lot of confidence in myself.
00:04:01.120 --> 00:04:11.360
And then in other scenarios, when I have a ton of confidence in my aptitude or my capabilities in a specific instance, underneath it, I feel like a complete fraud.
00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:19.279
And so working through those things, I I kind of nailed it down to there's situational confidence and then there's general confidence.
00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:27.279
Uh, and then I wanted to work on, you know, how to get better at one, how to get better at the other, or how to even just recognize them.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:33.199
And then ultimately, what does it look like as it plays out as we work on it?
00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:38.160
Uh and to draw in, so this is the way my brain works.
00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:41.279
I've come to understand that I overthink everything.
00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:47.199
And for the longest time, I got sidetracked with this idea that I had to learn differently.
00:04:47.360 --> 00:05:01.040
And I I'm not gonna blame any particular thing, but the you know, the educational system just doesn't work with the way my brain processes stuff because they give you a very um standardized set of curricula, and then you deal with it and you learn and off you go.
00:05:01.199 --> 00:05:14.879
And mine has always been overthinking everything and finding very disparate pieces of information to inform the main parts, and it's overthinking everything and using everything I can to make sense of a core issue.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:29.279
And so this has led me to some level of insanity in life as I've tried to merge the way I do things with the way I was taught to do things, and then no point did anybody ever just tell me, hey man, just do it the way that works for you.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:30.560
You'll make it work.
00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:33.199
Like you'll you'll figure out what you need to figure out.
00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:38.800
You don't need to change the way you operate, perhaps refine it, make sure it's operating correctly.
00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:47.279
But if that is your fundamental process and the natural groove you find, then get in it and get going.
00:05:47.439 --> 00:05:52.399
Like get worry about what you're trying to accomplish, not how you're trying to accomplish it.
00:05:52.560 --> 00:06:03.120
But for so long, I had spent all this time trying to retrain myself how to learn in like a more efficient way or in a way that I could describe it to other people.
00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:12.720
And I and the validation episode talking about the importance that I had of this of using external circumstance to validate my experience.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:19.040
Well, that also necessitated that I had to be able to either teach it or understand the way other people thought.
00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:24.879
And I always thought I was a bit different, or at least I was told I was, in the way that I did stuff.
00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:37.439
And so I thought I had to learn how to do that too, so that I could, you know, project my experience in a way that it would be understandable to people, because if I did it in this format, the uh in the way that I'm speaking now, it never got through.
00:06:37.519 --> 00:06:46.480
You know, how many trips to the principal's office or to a guidance counselor or to your boss to be like, listen, this isn't working for me, for them to be like, well, make it work.
00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:49.439
And it's like, fuck, okay, I'm the problem, I guess.
00:06:49.680 --> 00:07:00.000
And and enough instances in life of that happening and my refusal to take drugs for it basically led me into this isolated box of just like, I can't coexist with the world.
00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:05.600
And that wasn't the case at all because I had developed this adversarial relationship with everything.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:13.600
More of what I needed to do was just refine my process and focus on getting to the outcomes or getting to the work and not worry so much about the process.
00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:22.079
I felt this need to explain myself to everybody of how I got there, and nobody cares, which is nice, which is gonna lead us into one part of this today.
00:07:22.160 --> 00:07:35.199
I brought in some stuff, speaking of disparate places to grab information from, as far as confidence is concerned, I wanted to bring things from philosophy, psychology, spirituality, kind of round it all out.
00:07:35.279 --> 00:07:37.040
And so I have some Epictetus stuff.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:39.439
I know Aristotle worked on confidence.
00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:47.920
Uh, there is Carl Jung, kind of the typical you know, like Mount Rushmore people you think of in these different areas.
00:07:48.160 --> 00:08:04.319
Uh, you're not going to hear anything too obscure here, I don't think, but this is this is a good entry point to just approach what this confidence thing is and how great thinkers in history have approached this subject, even just how to define it, and then maybe how to work on it a little bit.
00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:16.639
Well, one of the things that's great in thinking of this need to explain ourselves is this line from Epictetus I'm going to bring up now, and then we'll kind of work through the outline.
00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:24.240
But just listen to this and and allow yourself to absorb it and appreciate it for what it is.
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:35.519
You should thank the gods for making you strong enough to survive what you cannot control and only responsible for what you can.
00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:37.440
Let that sink in.
00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:42.080
It might not have hit you yet, so I'm gonna read it again.
00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:44.399
Because when I read this, I went, fuck yeah.
00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:46.320
Ah, that's good shit.
00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:48.320
Here it comes again.
00:08:48.480 --> 00:08:49.279
Get ready.
00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:59.200
You should thank the gods for making you strong enough to survive what you can't control, and only responsible for what you can.
00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:04.240
Now he goes on from here, okay, but I hope that's sunk in a little bit.
00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:08.720
That everything external from you, you're strong enough to deal with it.
00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:14.720
But the only thing that you are responsible for is the shit you can control, which is yourself.
00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:15.919
That's it.
00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:17.840
Everything else, just let it go.
00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:21.120
Do you feel the weight ever so slightly lift off of you?
00:09:21.519 --> 00:09:26.399
I did when I I was just like, man, why do I have to get permission from other people and reading this stuff?
00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:27.919
Why can't I figure this shit out on my own?
00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:31.600
But I guess this is what it is, is you gotta do this and stay open to it.
00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:33.679
But this is this is the core of it.
00:09:34.399 --> 00:09:37.919
I am strong enough to deal with life, but I'm not responsible for life.
00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:39.679
I'm just responsible for me.
00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.600
That's fucking awesome.
00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:44.320
I cannot tell you how happy that makes me.
00:09:44.639 --> 00:09:55.279
But he he continues and he said, the gods have released you from accountability from your parents, your siblings, your body, your possessions, for death and for life itself.
00:09:55.519 --> 00:10:00.480
They made you responsible only for what is in your power.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:03.440
The proper use of impressions.
00:10:03.679 --> 00:10:20.639
Now we can get into what Epictetus means by impressions, but it's basically like stimuli and then the impression that you immediately get before thinking, you know, for example, if someone's frowning as they talk to you, your impression might be to be put off a little bit, but you don't have any thoughts yet.
00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:26.399
It's that initial impression of you noticing, and then you'll think about it, assess, and then decide what to do.
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:40.639
But the the initial impression, so that's what he's saying is everything that comes into you through some sort of stimulus, because this is the way we interact with the world, if you think about it, it's like we are our nervous system, essentially, and then all the chemicals and stuff that dump inside of us.
00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:58.960
But if we look at it that way, that everything that we catch as a net of this um nervous system we have to catch stimuli, that initial impression, the initial impulse, naked of all meaning and thought, is all we have control over.
00:10:59.200 --> 00:11:06.879
And then once we start to think about it or feel a certain way or put it into a context, that's our form of control.
00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:19.200
And if you want to take that a step further in a lot of uh different psychological studies or psychic, no, philosophical studies, schools of thought, that is where you get into you create your own meaning in life.
00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:23.519
Now you can go a lot of different routes in philosophy and whatever one you subscribe to, great.
00:11:23.679 --> 00:11:25.039
And we'll we'll work on those.
00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:38.639
But I do like that to a degree, maybe not for everything, because I think eventually you lead into solipsism, which is this philosophical idea that was created for narcissists where it's like I can't prove anything, therefore I am God, or some shit like that.
00:11:38.879 --> 00:11:48.960
And that one's pretty fun to just poke fun at, but it's it's like the new agey they they decided to basically go, well, let's make something woo-woo for narcissists.
00:11:49.120 --> 00:12:08.799
Yeah, I'm my own God, I can't prove anybody else's existence, so all of reality is me, and it's fucking nuts, but it really caught on, and uh it is it's and it's a movement that's everywhere, and um I guess bubbling up through the surface in various uh parts of our culture, probably unnoticed because it's not being called out.
00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:23.519
But if once you do see what it is, you'll see it kind of everywhere, and it's insidious, it's it's kind of a shit way to live, but uh it is intoxicating as an as a thought idea when it you approach it because you're like, oh yeah, maybe I am the only one that's in charge of all of this, and blah, blah, blah.
00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:25.919
And to a degree that is the case, though.
00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:31.279
Uh, that is why that's like the the immature extension of this idea, but I do create the meaning.
00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:37.279
I don't get to act as God, but I do get to act as the control center for that which comes to me.
00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.600
So that was a really cool thing I read from Epictetus.
00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:53.679
And so in this idea of getting confidence, why was this the natural progression from doubt to validation to confidence?
00:12:54.559 --> 00:13:07.600
Well, in a in a situational context, I guess we'll start there, is I can just be bad at something and then through reps and practice and repetition get better.
00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:15.919
And through the development of competence in whatever that thing is, I am confident that I can do it.
00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:29.120
And the other day, as I was approaching this, because I had been feeling very insecure, so I thought that this might be the next best thing to approach, I was thinking about times when I did feel confident.
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:40.799
And most of those times circled around situational confidence, where I approached something that I sucked at, was willing to suck for as long as it took, and then eventually got better.
00:13:40.960 --> 00:13:51.919
And then once I was good, that feeling of confidence I had, the way that I shaped it when I was explaining it to myself, when I asked, what is what do I view confidence as?
00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:56.080
Is when I walk into a room and I just know I can do what's asked of me.
00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:58.399
That was as simple as I could make it in my head.
00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:06.480
If I walk into a room and somebody approaches me with something, or I just see a problem I have to deal with and I know I can do it.
00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:09.279
So pretty simple.
00:14:09.519 --> 00:14:19.919
Or, you know, and you can extrapolate that into a competitive endeavor or an educational endeavor or a business job thing, dealing with your friends or family.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:21.519
It's just situational.
00:14:21.759 --> 00:14:25.200
Pick a thing, can you walk into a room and deal with it and feel good about it?
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:30.799
That to me is and it's like practicable, you know, about that particular thing.
00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:36.320
That was what situational was, but that wasn't really where I was feeling insecure.
00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:42.320
The I've been using my family as the example these past few podcasts.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:48.080
I'll do it again today, but I promise is not the lens through which we're gonna view everything going forward.
00:14:48.879 --> 00:15:12.720
But in this case, because my young family life was so messed up, because most of what had to happen that was bad to me happened within the confines of my childhood, not even necessarily at home, but during a time when I should have been cared for better or protected more, or not exposed to things that I was, it all sort of gets lumped in there together.
00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:18.240
That like people who I trust and who should love me, I do not trust, and I don't think they love me.
00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:24.720
I think they are everything that comes in a loving manner to me comes through as a type of manipulation.
00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:25.759
What do you want from me?
00:15:25.919 --> 00:15:37.679
That's essentially where I sit there, and the closer someone gets, the more sensitive I am to them asking, expecting, or my perception is them expecting anything of me to go, what do you want from me?
00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:39.120
I don't trust this.
00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:45.600
And so I lacked this incredible amount of confidence to be in the most intimate environments.
00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:48.480
And I was having a really hard time with it.
00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:58.320
Because back to the doubt and validation or even adjustment disorder, to be in a scenario where it's I know it's good, but not feel good in it.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:01.200
This is where some of that confidence would come out.
00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:10.399
Because even in asking my daughter or wife, they say that I seem very comfortable and confident within our family unit, that like this is all good.
00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:12.399
But internally, I felt like a fraud.
00:16:12.559 --> 00:16:25.279
I felt like this wasn't me or that I just couldn't root myself in this reality with any sort of comfort, and then feel that feeling of the situational confidence where if what whatever comes up in here, I can deal with it.
00:16:25.519 --> 00:16:29.759
And so I felt lost and I didn't mind running away.
00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:34.240
I didn't mind undermining the family because I didn't, I wasn't connected to it.
00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:36.399
I wasn't feeling confident within it.
00:16:36.480 --> 00:16:41.519
I I actually felt at certain times that my presence was a detriment to everybody.
00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:50.320
And it was a that's a real crazy thing when you bring it up to people and they they cannot fathom that you feel that way because that is not their experience of you at all.
00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:52.159
But that was the way I felt.
00:16:52.399 --> 00:16:58.720
And a lot of times in situational confidence, that fake it till you make it idea works.
00:16:58.799 --> 00:17:05.920
But in this general confidence arena, faking it till you make it doesn't really work because once you've made it, you're still faking it.
00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:08.000
And that's the way I was just still faking it.
00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:14.240
And at some point, I it had to be real, and I had to get seated in that reality and feel good there.
00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:18.480
There was no faking general confidence, confidence in my own existence.
00:17:18.799 --> 00:17:41.200
So this is what I'm working around at the time within my own family, and then it just led me to this needing to know, needing to investigate how in the world can I be so good at something and so bad at a related thing, you know, what or are they just completely different?
00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:56.240
And I do think there's a difference between peace of mind, which is what my ultimate goal is, and I'll keep saying that, peace of mind, comfort in my own existence, and aptitude or knowledge that I can do a thing.
00:17:56.720 --> 00:18:10.240
Uh and maybe just to not transmute, but like translate that idea that like do a thing, I could just maybe blanket that right over life itself and just go, I can do life just like I can do a task.
00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:14.480
It seems bigger, but in the fractal nature of the universe, maybe it's not.
00:18:14.640 --> 00:18:22.480
Maybe it's not if I could just see the bigger picture as an expansion of the smaller picture, but it's the same picture, just bigger.
00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:24.000
Something like that.
00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:38.000
So I this all sort of makes sense to me as I explain it, but there wasn't anything for me to sink my teeth into because I I'm I'm seeing all these ideas and I'm understanding them a little bit.
00:18:38.319 --> 00:18:39.680
They land somewhat.
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:45.839
I'm not feeling really rooted in it, but I'm starting to go, okay, what do I need to work on?
00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:51.599
Well, why don't we go to a couple different disciplines to see what they have to say about it?
00:18:52.079 --> 00:19:02.000
And that's where we bring in Aurelius, Epictetus, and the Stoic philosophy idea, because think about what we just laid out with confidence.
00:19:03.119 --> 00:19:08.720
It does lend itself to the idea of Stoicism of being unflappable in the face of change.
00:19:08.960 --> 00:19:14.880
If I walk into a room and know that I can handle it, that means I can handle variables.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:18.160
That means I can handle things that aren't straightforward.
00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:31.359
To develop that further, maybe we subscribe to a view of the world where the only thing we're in control of is ourselves as everything else changes around us.
00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:40.559
And then as we develop confidence in our ability to be flexible, then we develop some confidence in this existence realm of our being.
00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:52.880
Not that that's gonna necessarily translate to all other areas of this general confidence, but at least in the action phase, in the actionable phase, in the dealing with life phase.
00:19:53.680 --> 00:20:02.240
It gets a little deeper than that when we start dealing with our own thoughts, and that's where the psychology side of it comes in.
00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:25.279
And then even deeper than that, when we deal with our spirit, our soul, with existence, however deep you like to take the language of spirituality, whether it's as far as religion and the things they tell you and you just accept, or it's all the way into more eastern religions where it's self-discovery, to God knows what else.
00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:32.400
For me, anyway, I like my spirituality is rooted in some sort of experiential understanding of things.
00:20:32.559 --> 00:20:45.039
I'm willing to listen to anything, but until I experience it, it's very hard for me to accept something that my soul will connect with unless I experience it.
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:54.720
So that's another reason why it becomes so important for me, anyway, to expose myself to as much as possible, because I'm not ever going to take anything at face value.
00:20:54.880 --> 00:21:04.400
This is another thing that goes back to the way I learned, probably the way I was conditioned in the life I've led, that I'm just not gonna take anything you tell me as it is.
00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:07.359
This is something I could develop a better trust of, by the way.
00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:14.960
I don't think this is the best way to live, which is what I'm hoping through this process to develop some of these things that I recognize I lack.
00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:35.920
But, you know, especially in realms of things that are out of my depth or I'm clearly not understanding properly, namely the beginning of phases of sobriety when the pull of the substance and that lifestyle and everything it represented to me was far, far stronger than anything anybody was gonna tell me.
00:21:36.240 --> 00:21:43.039
And to, I wish I would have been better at just believing people when they told me it would it's okay, it'll get better, you gotta just stick it out.
00:21:43.279 --> 00:21:47.359
I had to spend eight years figuring that out the hard way.
00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:59.759
And this podcast, again, is another attempt to lay that out in a little bit longer form so that instead of spending eight years fucking your life up, you just do it quicker, one hour at a time.
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:08.000
Weekly with me and just hear what it is as my testimony to don't do that if you can help it.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:11.599
If you must, I can't blame you because that's what I did.
00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:19.119
But if I could go back eight years and just say, hey man, just get it, get it now and save yourself the trouble, I would have done that.
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:22.240
And I've heard that from everybody else who's gone down this path.
00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:33.279
Uh, it's an interesting thing when you're in meetings and you see a younger guy who's in there at maybe 18 or 20, and my heart explodes that they're in there because it's just like, fuck yeah, dude.
00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:36.640
Get it figured out now and save your life.
00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:39.920
Like save yourself this time that you're gonna, you know.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:23:02.319
Obviously, now I feel like it's not wasted to defer it, but why defer this growth, this opportunity the rest of your life for 10, 20 years from now when you can just figure it out now and get on with it, start enjoying some shit, or at least take it in what this life has to offer instead of shutting yourself down and hiding behind booze or drugs or whatever it is, and just get it.
00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:12.079
So that's my my little pep talk here of just and and to the younger version of myself, which I has now become the older version of myself.
00:23:12.319 --> 00:23:19.599
That whole idea of the the best time to plant a tree was would have been eight years ago when I started trying to get sober.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.599
But the second best time is now, and the fact that I'm even doing it is great.
00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:35.759
But I can take the recognition that if I would have listened back then and in what what is that fucking word I'm trying shit, the funnel cake, the uh insert it.
00:23:35.920 --> 00:23:38.799
God, how hard of that was of a word to think of.
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:51.680
Take that recognition that I wish I would have had eight years ago, and then just translate that to now or move it to now and insert it in my life now and go, okay, even if you don't trust it, give it a try.
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.799
Because you know that if you would have done that back then, you might have gotten to where you wanted to go a little quicker.
00:23:56.960 --> 00:23:59.519
And so that's part of what I'm doing now.
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:16.960
And there, there's that's more of the faith-based argument, too, of like, I have faith that that'll work because I've kind of seen it happen enough times over the last eight years that if I just trust the process, God forbid, that somehow it works out in the long run.
00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:20.000
And so back to confidence.
00:24:20.240 --> 00:24:22.480
So, what do these people have to say about confidence?
00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:47.680
Well, I've written some things down, and um, you know, how how would I approach this, especially if you still find yourself in the throes of addiction or haven't admitted to yourself that you're there yet, or are worried you're on the path, or aren't addicted to anything, you think, and just are looking to make some sense out of life.
00:24:47.839 --> 00:24:54.720
And one of the ways that's the hardest for that this is where mood dependence gets into it as well.
00:24:54.799 --> 00:24:58.400
It's very hard to feel confident when your mood is shit.
00:24:59.119 --> 00:25:09.359
And I'm not I'm not well versed enough to be able to give advice on like how to pull yourself out of a bad mood because I don't, I just sit in it.
00:25:09.839 --> 00:25:14.799
Um and so I guess just get through that.
00:25:14.960 --> 00:25:23.680
But my idea, at least in the way I've come to learn my own mind and emotions, is to capitalize on things when they're good.
00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:37.839
Use the positive or forward momentum of positive states to build my game plan so that when game time comes, I have established some game plan for it.
00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:48.480
And I use the like the example of football, which is you you only play the game for three hours on Sunday, but you plan for it all week.
00:25:48.720 --> 00:25:56.640
And there's you know, it's 90% planning and actually 10% in action, in performance.
00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:03.039
So that's why I I hope I don't sound too pedantic when I talk about my studies in the morning.
00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:12.400
It's more of just like this is the stuff where I'm planning, I'm building a game plan for when these things come and I know that my emotional and rational mind are gonna fall to shit.
00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:36.240
Do I have a framework built that I can just lay back into and trust because I've built that foundation to know it'll be sturdy behind me and hold me up, and then rest in that until whatever discombobulation I feel goes away, and then I I can act outwardly into the world again in some type of coherent manner.
00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:59.279
And that's as far as I've gotten in this part of development is that the understanding of I can't take myself out of a bad thought process or bad mood yet, or if ever that could happen, but I can, in times of good or clarity or whatever, build up a framework that can hold me up when that shit happens and then trust and rely on it in those moments to just get me through to the other side.
00:26:59.519 --> 00:27:08.640
And another part of that whole faith thing is that these horrible experiences, even when I was okay to just like die, they passed.
00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:12.799
And that's what's so hard to get across, even to myself.
00:27:12.880 --> 00:27:16.079
But I mean, imagine trying to do that to somebody who's in it.
00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:22.160
That you know, the this too shall pass, again, the simpler it is, the closer it is to the truth.
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:30.960
That is it's it sounds so that it's like childish, like this too, yeah, no shit, this will fucking pass.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:33.599
Okay, and then the thing behind it'll be even worse, I bet.
00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:37.279
That was that was the the worldview I operated out of.
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:46.160
But once I saw enough evidence that this too shall pass, and I saw how bad it had gotten when it was bad, and then I'm not there anymore.
00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:56.559
These minor inconveniences, too, that would throw me for a complete loop as I overgeneralized or over-reacted, I can handle those a lot easier.
00:27:56.880 --> 00:27:59.920
Not gonna get a ton of reps and complete life upheaval.
00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:05.839
Uh you only get a few of those, but you'd hope by building out this other stuff you handle it a little better when it comes.
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:11.039
And this idea of death and making friends with death, why not?
00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:12.079
It's gonna happen.
00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:13.200
You can't avoid it.
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:19.119
A lot of people like to ignore or forget that they're gonna die someday.
00:28:19.279 --> 00:28:29.200
And I think that should lead to a little bit of immediacy in this idea of like, hey, maybe I should be in better communion with myself and stop putting this shit off.
00:28:29.839 --> 00:29:12.640
Um, and perhaps, I don't know, I don't want to get too far off track of confidence here, but that's something that I've really noticed as far as where I say distraction is the devil, because to me, the most important work of life is to develop this peace of mind with yourself so that you can experience life fully without all of these um compensatory models, at least that I built, to avoid trauma or protect myself, live in this defensive posture, or if you're more of the type to live in an offensive posture where I'm gonna go out there, I'm gonna take over the world, I'm gonna change things, I'm going to assert myself on the world.
00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:14.160
Good luck.
00:29:14.640 --> 00:29:24.079
But perhaps a better thing to do would be to say, I'm going to become completely comfortable with my existence and just enjoy whatever falls at my feet.
00:29:24.319 --> 00:29:36.720
And that that to me is leading to see this isn't a direct route to confidence, but it's starting to take a little bit of shape to me as I talk this out with you, and as I've kind of looked at all these different areas.
00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:40.000
And this is the way my brain makes sense of the world.
00:29:40.240 --> 00:29:44.799
It looks like a funnel cake, but it operates somewhat like a mind.
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:53.920
So using these little things to sort of slowly bring things into focus, I can say, all right.
00:29:55.200 --> 00:30:01.680
Having some sort of peace of mind is really most of what I'm going for.
00:30:02.960 --> 00:30:08.880
So as I develop these skills, maybe focus a little bit less on the external.
00:30:09.599 --> 00:30:21.440
Uh, same thing, you know, that that's this is where I have a hard time with thoughts versus emotions, what's more real, because I tend I tend towards being more rational than emotional.
00:30:21.680 --> 00:30:30.799
But that has led me to not address my emotions at all to where I'm thrown off far more by my emotions than anything, and I'm overthinking everything.
00:30:30.960 --> 00:30:33.680
I identify with my thoughts more than my feelings.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:45.279
I think that can go bad either way when on the polarity between, you know, one side which is thought and one side which is emotion, kind of take that slider and move it somewhere in the middle-ish.
00:30:45.839 --> 00:30:48.799
And that's I've just been way too far over on the rational side.
00:30:48.960 --> 00:30:55.839
If I can't prove it, if it's if it's uh not empirically evident, then it isn't real.
00:30:56.000 --> 00:31:07.839
And that's a hard thing with emotion because those are more ethereal and like this vapor that all of a sudden like humidity just washes over you and you're sweating in anger or worry or whatever it is.
00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:09.759
That that sort of shit.
00:31:10.079 --> 00:31:20.480
And so working on all of that, losing my train of thought currently, but getting to the crux of this all, which is just being okay with your own existence and all of these different ways to get there.
00:31:20.640 --> 00:31:24.160
And what the fuck is confidence and what the fuck is existence?
00:31:24.799 --> 00:31:37.039
These things, as well as as I wrap my head around them so much and so often, tend to work themselves into like words that you when you say them enough times, they stop making sense.
00:31:37.359 --> 00:31:50.400
That is the the what happens with this overthinking side of things, to where I can think I need to think enough to be able to get my mind around it, but not so much that it then becomes a jumble.
00:31:50.880 --> 00:31:56.880
And once I get to the point of simply understanding a little bit, that's where I need to pay more attention to emotion.
00:31:57.119 --> 00:32:07.920
And that's the the next thing to work on, to where these emotions are signals to guide in a direction.
00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:23.839
And I feel like in the same way, like facts and truths, as I've talked about, like thinking is the fact side, emotions are the truth side, where emotions are going to give you the exact data, but they sort of move you towards where you should be going.
00:32:24.079 --> 00:32:27.920
If I'm feeling disturbed internally, I'm probably off base.
00:32:28.160 --> 00:32:40.880
If I'm feeling so disturbed and still moving in that direction, that everything inside of me is a complete fucking mess, and the only way to settle it down is through some sort of substance or addictive behavior.
00:32:41.519 --> 00:32:51.039
That you can see how far off base you could get and how you the assist of this um uh what what do we call steroids?
00:32:51.200 --> 00:32:52.480
Performance-enhancing drugs.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:56.240
This is like a performance-enhancing drug in the direction of your demise.
00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:03.680
I was nobody thought about that, but that's essentially what addictive behaviors are, or you know, addictive substances.
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:16.799
It's a performance-enhancing drug to oblivion, and it speeds it up, it allows you not to feel the pain, it allows you not to hear your inner voice, and it will build a whole new world where that's the only thing that matters.
00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:29.279
And so um, you can see how riding along the rails of that shit, too, causes you to lose uh confidence in your own internal voice because I haven't been in connection with it in so long.
00:33:29.920 --> 00:33:32.640
Anyway, so working our way back here.
00:33:33.279 --> 00:33:50.240
Um initially, though, I'm I just I this long circuitous route to get back to mood dependence, building out a plan why while I feel good to support me when I'm feeling bad.
00:33:50.559 --> 00:34:02.880
And it's the other day, in the midst of everything, I just felt like shit, hit with a brick, wiped on the curb, and stepped on by a bum.
00:34:03.200 --> 00:34:05.599
And I just couldn't get out of it.
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:18.480
And so I started leaning back on all the stuff I'm talking to you about because obviously these things are becoming self-evident to me, but they they don't get to be put in practice all the time.
00:34:18.800 --> 00:34:25.519
And to take it to the laboratory to me, anyway, is to take this stuff out into life and see how it works, and so I did.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:57.199
I rested in this feeling of like I'm not confident, and it reminded me of if you've ever seen the movie called Sexy Beast, and um, it's like Ray Mont Ray Wilmington, I don't know, but the guy is it's the one of the greatest opening scenes in a movie, unless you're disgusted by kind of flabby men, but it's the uh this Ray, I can't remember the actor's name, but Ray, something or other.
00:34:57.440 --> 00:35:06.559
And uh he's laying on a beach chair, just baking in the sun, covered in oil, tan, and like a speedo.
00:35:06.800 --> 00:35:09.760
And he's like, Oh yeah, bloody hell.
00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:22.880
I'm sweating here, roasting, boiling, baking, sweltering, is like a sauna, a furnace.
00:35:24.159 --> 00:35:32.639
And it was that perfectly encapsulated this feeling of being a piece of shit wiped on the curb and stepped on by a bum.
00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:42.800
But I took that voice from that scene, it just popped into my head of just if I'm gonna be laying here on this curb feeling like shit, just accept it.
00:35:43.119 --> 00:35:52.639
Just go, eh, I'm laying here feeling like a piece of shit in the sun, boiling, turning into shit jerky.
00:35:54.559 --> 00:36:00.320
And in doing that, again, this is why humor works so well for me.
00:36:00.559 --> 00:36:11.039
It just gave me some separation from the emotional severity of the situation, but it also led me to basically go, okay, this is one of those moments.
00:36:11.199 --> 00:36:12.239
I feel like shit.
00:36:12.400 --> 00:36:17.519
I have now created enough emotional space to employ this strategy.
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:19.440
And so that's what I did.
00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:27.360
And at the time, it really what the strategy was at the outset of this was two, was curiosity.
00:36:27.440 --> 00:36:33.280
And I talked about that, where I don't have the tools yet, and this is what this is is building those tools out or the framework for it.
00:36:33.519 --> 00:36:35.039
But I did have curiosity.
00:36:35.280 --> 00:36:37.920
So the first thing I did was get curious about that.
00:36:38.079 --> 00:36:39.760
Why do I feel like shit right now?
00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:45.440
I was walking up the stairs getting ready to like put my son to bed, and it just it just washed over me.
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:50.320
Like the day had gone pretty much fine, and then all of a sudden I got hit with this like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:36:50.480 --> 00:36:55.280
And it wasn't about putting him to bed, and it wasn't about the day that had just passed, it was just out of nowhere.
00:36:55.519 --> 00:36:56.239
What am I doing?
00:36:56.320 --> 00:36:57.840
What is it what am I doing with my life?
00:36:57.920 --> 00:36:59.440
What the fuck is happening?
00:36:59.760 --> 00:37:09.039
And all of a sudden, no matter what accomplishments I had for that day or what I was about to go do that I knew I could, uh, it didn't matter.
00:37:09.199 --> 00:37:14.400
It didn't matter because in that moment, I just for some reason it washed over me.
00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:16.800
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:37:17.119 --> 00:37:20.320
And then I got curious.
00:37:20.480 --> 00:37:26.159
I started thinking about situational confidence versus like this, whatever this thing that's not working right now is not situational.
00:37:26.239 --> 00:37:26.719
This is me.
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:28.559
I I don't feel good in this.
00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:32.880
And then it led me to start asking questions about well, how could I get there?
00:37:33.199 --> 00:37:49.119
So that was the first part of the process, and now that we're building out the game plan, and part of that, building out the game plan part of it, was um, after asking the questions, to then start investigating and then to talk about it.
00:37:49.280 --> 00:38:01.519
I I'm looking here through my outline, so it's now I'm losing trains of thought and apologizing profusely because this is not good radio as I look for things that I'm trying to talk about without having them in front of me.
00:38:02.079 --> 00:38:09.119
But if I if I could the funnel cake is really activated right now, it's taking me in many different directions.
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:13.440
I'm still hung up on speaking with that that accent.
00:38:13.679 --> 00:38:14.400
Oh, yeah.
00:38:14.559 --> 00:38:17.920
I want to go through the rest of this podcast talking like this.
00:38:20.559 --> 00:38:21.199
Fuck.
00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.840
Alright, see, this is why I was bad in school.
00:38:25.039 --> 00:38:28.000
Alright, so game planning.
00:38:28.480 --> 00:38:29.119
Fuck.
00:38:29.840 --> 00:38:39.920
Um building out the game plan and understanding the difference between situational and general confidence.
00:38:42.159 --> 00:38:49.360
I came to discover where okay, I have picked up the train and set it firmly back on the tracks here.
00:38:49.679 --> 00:38:51.760
We are going forward again, I promise.
00:38:53.039 --> 00:39:08.400
I came to the conclusion through this washing over of insecurity and this work that I then found through these stoic philosophers and psychological psychologists and spiritual thinkers, whatever.
00:39:08.880 --> 00:39:14.320
Um, I think there's a Buddhist practice called Sata S-A-D-D-H-A.
00:39:14.639 --> 00:39:25.840
I don't have it pulled up, but uh there's like a whole Buddhist thing about this too, which means you know, pick your poison here, whatever backdrop of the truth that you want, veil your truth in that.
00:39:26.000 --> 00:39:30.880
So whether or not it's philosophical, spiritual, psychological, they're all getting to the same place.
00:39:31.039 --> 00:39:33.280
And this and that is this this whole confidence thing.
00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:52.480
So I just lay that out that like Jung and um Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius and Aristotle and Buddhist Sata, or you know, who the fucking jerry your uncle down the street, they all have they're all trying to get to the same place, they just use different languages and shit to get there.
00:39:52.639 --> 00:39:56.559
I just like to see it in all these like a kaleidoscope in many different lights.
00:39:56.719 --> 00:40:00.320
But ultimately, when you pull a kaleidoscope away, you're still staring at the light.
00:40:00.480 --> 00:40:01.599
This is where we're getting to.
00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:03.599
And in this case, that light is confidence.
00:40:03.760 --> 00:40:10.639
And so um I recognized that I felt insecure, and I thought, well, fuck it.
00:40:10.800 --> 00:40:13.679
Why not just be confident in my insecurity?
00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:14.639
Huh.
00:40:14.960 --> 00:40:15.280
Okay.
00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:17.280
Let that sink in for a minute.
00:40:17.440 --> 00:40:18.800
What is that what does that mean?
00:40:19.119 --> 00:40:21.519
He goes, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
00:40:22.079 --> 00:40:26.880
And I brought it up to a friend later when we met up.
00:40:27.039 --> 00:40:28.079
We have this Sunday thing.
00:40:28.159 --> 00:40:31.599
I I tried to start like a I didn't AA isn't my thing.
00:40:31.679 --> 00:40:39.199
So I wanted to start a different sort of group that was like this, where it's more of an open forum to just deal with stuff and kind of how are you figuring it out?
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:42.239
And uh, it's me and one other person.
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:47.519
I've invited so many people and tried to get this thing up off the ground.
00:40:47.679 --> 00:40:51.119
And it just uh what are you gonna do when you're when you're off the beaten path?
00:40:51.199 --> 00:40:52.960
Don't expect a lot of people to meet you there.
00:40:53.199 --> 00:40:55.760
But the ones that do, you're gonna connect with really well.
00:40:55.840 --> 00:41:01.360
And for me and my friend, um I brought this up and it was like, yeah, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either.
00:41:01.519 --> 00:41:16.480
And even in just verbalizing that, externalizing it, and hearing from someone else, it lessened maybe this internal stigma of like needing to know what's going on, um, that other people were feeling the same way.
00:41:16.719 --> 00:41:21.519
But it also was like, what if I could just be confident in my unknowing?
00:41:21.599 --> 00:41:24.400
What if I could just be okay with being insecure?
00:41:24.639 --> 00:41:30.480
What if, to lead back to the Stoic sort of philosophy, is no matter what comes my way, it doesn't matter.
00:41:30.800 --> 00:41:32.559
I have the strength to deal with it.
00:41:32.639 --> 00:41:39.199
I don't know if I have the competence or aptitude, at least at first until I develop it, but I as a human being can handle it.
00:41:39.360 --> 00:42:02.239
And that is sort of where, after all of this extemporaneous shit I've just been talking about comes to land at some of it of a simple uh conclusion in that the general way that I'm coming to find where my confidence is not in anything external.
00:42:02.480 --> 00:42:08.559
Usually the validating thing that I use is external, so I felt the need to get good at that stuff to feel confident.
00:42:08.719 --> 00:42:23.599
Once the validating element became internal, then I could direct my attention to where it was properly seated inside and get that shit all buttoned up, and then I could just take on whatever happens.
00:42:23.920 --> 00:42:35.599
So to not be afraid of life requires that I get the inside right, as opposed to I'm not afraid of life because I'm going to assert my will on everything.
00:42:35.840 --> 00:42:48.960
And that is where I see evidence, and everybody can recognize it with these fucking billionaires and tech people now, but uh, it's always with politicians and kings and you know, pick an era, and there's they're full of assholes.
00:42:49.280 --> 00:42:51.840
But this it's right in our faces right now.
00:42:52.079 --> 00:42:52.800
Never enough.
00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:54.559
I'm gonna control everything.
00:42:54.800 --> 00:43:00.000
Um, you know, it's funny when people usher in the Antichrist that they start saying you're the Antichrist.
00:43:00.559 --> 00:43:06.400
Uh the Shakespearean line, I don't think you protest too much or something.
00:43:07.360 --> 00:43:09.039
Dude, that was a mistake.
00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:14.480
I should not be trying to call up Shakespearean fucking uh lines when I don't know shit about them.
00:43:14.559 --> 00:43:17.199
But me doth think you protest too much.
00:43:17.519 --> 00:43:24.400
Or in you know, the sexy beast, uh me does thinks you protest too much.
00:43:24.639 --> 00:43:26.079
Boiling, sweltering.
00:43:26.559 --> 00:43:29.679
There's anyway, sorry.
00:43:30.800 --> 00:43:37.360
That is sort of where we're seeing this out in culture and shit, and the stuff that's impacting us, and it sucks, it's terrible.
00:43:37.519 --> 00:43:48.639
Uh, I was thinking about that this morning when I was on a walk with my dog and my son early, early, uh, because these fucking idiots in my neighborhood walk around with their dogs off leash, these little yappy pieces of shit.
00:43:50.639 --> 00:43:56.559
And they come at they come at me and my son and my dog, and I'm like, I I will I punted, okay?
00:43:56.639 --> 00:43:58.079
I punted in football.
00:43:58.239 --> 00:43:59.679
I will punt this fucking dog all.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:00.960
Over the moon.
00:44:01.199 --> 00:44:02.400
Get it out of here.
00:44:02.639 --> 00:44:07.760
And so this is this is my morning routine that's supposed to settle me down, by the way.
00:44:07.920 --> 00:44:10.239
But these assholes, they think they're better than the leash.
00:44:10.320 --> 00:44:10.639
Whatever.
00:44:10.719 --> 00:44:11.519
My dogs are different.
00:44:11.599 --> 00:44:14.079
Yeah, you're everybody's shit is different than everybody else's.
00:44:14.159 --> 00:44:15.679
Just put the fucking thing on the leash.
00:44:15.840 --> 00:44:16.239
Sorry.
00:44:16.400 --> 00:44:16.719
Woo.
00:44:16.960 --> 00:44:18.559
That got real angry real fast.
00:44:19.280 --> 00:44:23.599
Clearly, I need some clearly I need some work.
00:44:25.360 --> 00:44:28.400
All right, so I'm walking around and I'm thinking about these tech assholes.
00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:32.400
You know, it's a lot of things are starting to happen that are throwing my day off.
00:44:32.800 --> 00:44:40.880
But uh, I think it was JD Vance, one of these people who's supposed to be like looking out for us, who's like, yeah, the end times are here.
00:44:41.679 --> 00:44:45.599
And uh, you know, hopefully we're still around.
00:44:46.079 --> 00:44:49.119
Meaning him and his fucking buddies, not you and me.
00:44:49.679 --> 00:44:57.760
And uh I just thought it was funny though, because all of these guys that insert themselves into the world and say, I'm gonna make the world a better place, I'm gonna change everything.
00:44:57.840 --> 00:44:59.599
It's like, dude, you change your inner world.
00:45:00.079 --> 00:45:01.360
You're a piece of shit.
00:45:01.599 --> 00:45:06.000
If you can't even figure you out, how the fuck are you gonna figure out the world?
00:45:06.159 --> 00:45:10.639
And that's where I get so it's it's like anger laughing.
00:45:11.039 --> 00:45:12.079
I don't know what that term is.
00:45:12.159 --> 00:45:18.239
I bet the Germans have a word for it, like Laufenschweigenhagen, where it's this is so absurd.
00:45:18.400 --> 00:45:24.000
I I'm pissed because you're destroying our lives, but at the same time, I realize that your your efforts are fruitless.
00:45:24.159 --> 00:45:25.760
You're gonna die too, asshole.
00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:28.239
We're all gonna die, and none of this means anything.
00:45:28.480 --> 00:45:33.440
As far as like your plans for the fucking world, and you aren't the first one.
00:45:33.679 --> 00:45:39.360
Sorry to tell you, but look back and hiss every dumbass who thought that they could change the world.
00:45:39.599 --> 00:45:44.079
Turns out they couldn't, which also makes me then laugh that, like, eh, we're gonna be fine.
00:45:44.320 --> 00:45:54.639
Because once you can get this inner peace, this confidence, and something that I forget who said it, but in in process of compiling this stuff, it was like you can be in the midst.
00:45:54.719 --> 00:45:55.679
Oh, it was it was Hermes.
00:45:55.840 --> 00:45:57.280
I was I was reading something about Hermes.
00:45:57.440 --> 00:45:59.679
I think it was an AI breakdown, too, which is funny.
00:45:59.760 --> 00:46:04.239
I I'm going to the Antichrist to ask these questions, but fuck it, it's there, I'm gonna use it.
00:46:04.559 --> 00:46:06.480
And so I'm asking it.
00:46:06.639 --> 00:46:18.800
Herm, the Hermetic idea was like in the midst of nuclear Holocaust or the end of the like you could still be fine because it's just like this is what the existence is putting in front of me at the time.
00:46:18.880 --> 00:46:23.519
It sucks to lose everything, but like I just accept what is.
00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:33.519
There was a self-help book called uh like extreme acceptance or something, which of course gets like really watered down into something that you can sell in book form, which who knows?
00:46:33.599 --> 00:46:38.239
I'll probably write a book someday and and be shown to be a complete fucking hypocrite.
00:46:38.400 --> 00:46:46.880
But uh in this case, it it rings true in that a lot of these philosophers and everything, it really just comes down to acceptance.
00:46:46.960 --> 00:46:54.159
And these guys that are trying to change the world aren't accepting shit or they're trying to mold it to whatever their vision is, and it's not gonna work.
00:46:54.320 --> 00:47:03.920
Like if if you want some level of just like uh to lessen your concern about these psychopaths, it's not gonna work.
00:47:04.079 --> 00:47:05.039
It never has.
00:47:05.199 --> 00:47:07.760
You don't get to just take over the world, there's too many variables.
00:47:07.920 --> 00:47:12.639
These are people that can't figure out themselves, they're operating out of the lizard brains.
00:47:12.880 --> 00:47:15.760
And, you know, I have gone off onto conspiracy theories.
00:47:15.840 --> 00:47:23.119
It's no surprise, I'm sure, that the mind inside my head is attracted to conspiracy theory, or it was, I'm much less so now.
00:47:23.280 --> 00:47:27.840
But I did love this idea of like lizard people and reptiles.
00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:31.360
I know we're way, way off from confidence right now.
00:47:31.519 --> 00:47:32.559
We'll we'll bring it back.
00:47:32.719 --> 00:47:34.159
This is more fun for me.
00:47:34.400 --> 00:47:43.440
But lizard people, maybe I can't get on board with like lizards wearing human skin, but we all have a lizard brain.
00:47:43.599 --> 00:47:48.880
We do have the limbic system, which is the the fight or flight, the non-reasoning, non-rational.
00:47:48.960 --> 00:47:52.079
It's just like, I need to eat, I need to fuck, I need to kill.
00:47:52.400 --> 00:47:56.880
And when you operate out of that, you operate as if you're a reptile.
00:47:57.039 --> 00:47:58.079
That's all you got.
00:47:58.239 --> 00:48:09.360
And so I think that that's really where we're getting to when we talk about these lizard people, is that they're just operating off the most base, instinctual, animalistic shit.
00:48:09.440 --> 00:48:13.920
They're not, they're like less human than than they are a reptile.
00:48:14.159 --> 00:48:27.119
Which the leader of this fucking thing, Peter Thiel, who has his own like elite meeting school of fucking weirdos, his name is an anagram for the reptile.
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:30.960
Is that not like weird and funny to anybody else?
00:48:31.119 --> 00:48:32.239
I haven't heard that anywhere.
00:48:32.320 --> 00:48:33.039
I saw that the other day.
00:48:33.119 --> 00:48:35.840
I was looking at his name and I was like, this guy looks like a lizard.
00:48:35.920 --> 00:48:36.960
He's an asshole.
00:48:37.119 --> 00:48:42.159
He's talking about ushering in like the end of humanity and like jerking off about it.
00:48:42.320 --> 00:48:44.960
And his name is an anagram for the reptile.
00:48:45.119 --> 00:48:52.320
All these things are like almost so absurd that if you believe in simulation theory, you're like, the simulation is just fucking with us, or God or whomever.
00:48:52.400 --> 00:48:55.039
It doesn't really matter because we're all gonna die.
00:48:55.199 --> 00:49:13.840
But but in light of all of that, I was walking out there preparing to punt a dog, thinking about our technocratic overlords, and just trying to get a little bit of serenity in the beginning of my morning and not push any of this off onto my son who I'm pushing in a stroller.
00:49:14.159 --> 00:49:23.199
And it kind of dawned on me that, like, these people who are seemingly so confident in what they're doing, it's a projection.
00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:24.559
They don't know shit.
00:49:24.880 --> 00:49:37.360
And they have such they are so disconnected from their inner world that they're just expanding themselves exponentially out to try to control everything.
00:49:37.519 --> 00:49:38.239
Imagine that.
00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:43.920
You are so insecure internally that you're gonna control the fucking world.
00:49:44.239 --> 00:49:47.039
Dude, I can't keep my room clean.
00:49:47.199 --> 00:49:48.960
What are you talking about?
00:49:49.280 --> 00:49:51.920
So that is where I look at that.
00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:58.000
Sometimes comparison is so good to go, I want to be the 180 degree opposite of that.
00:49:58.320 --> 00:50:03.440
And that leads me into this, and that gives me confidence that I'm on the right path.
00:50:03.599 --> 00:50:18.559
Now, whether or not I feel confident all the time, situationally or generally, I do use all of this to come back around, to circle it in, to see how we've taken the long way, to get to, I'm pretty confident that what the path I'm on is the right one.
00:50:18.719 --> 00:50:25.679
Help people out, empower them, make people feel good, also lessen their concern that the psychos of the world are gonna take over.
00:50:25.760 --> 00:50:27.440
I mean, they're taking over their world.
00:50:27.519 --> 00:50:28.719
They haven't taken over yours.
00:50:28.800 --> 00:50:29.920
You're still in charge of it.
00:50:30.000 --> 00:50:31.760
You get to decide what's inside of here.
00:50:31.920 --> 00:50:37.679
And that's what I realized when I had a good life and I was miserable is that, oh, fuck, I'm the one in charge and I'm making it bad.
00:50:37.840 --> 00:50:41.119
So if the outside one looks bad, make your inside one good.
00:50:41.440 --> 00:50:46.480
And in doing so, that is where I believe this general confidence comes from.
00:50:46.559 --> 00:50:52.480
It's not a magic pill, a one size fits all, a switch you can flip.
00:50:52.719 --> 00:51:00.880
It is something that's gonna have to be worked around through all of these disparate disciplines and understandings, which is why I bring them all in here.
00:51:00.960 --> 00:51:02.559
And this is the way the world makes sense to me.
00:51:02.719 --> 00:51:12.639
Now, if you're listening to this, thank God that you've made it this far, because I finally got to my conclusion, and you disagree, that's fine, but you probably just don't operate like I do.
00:51:12.800 --> 00:51:18.480
And I I sometimes wish that that was the way I operated, because it would really clean up this process.
00:51:18.639 --> 00:51:23.920
But since I've come to understand who I am and how I operate, this is the way I get there.
00:51:24.079 --> 00:51:29.199
And it's kind of fun, it's really frustrating most of the time, but sometimes it's a lot of fun.
00:51:29.440 --> 00:51:38.159
And so at the end of all of that, I've once again neglected about half of this outline, and we'll come back around to it.
00:51:38.320 --> 00:52:02.880
But I hope I illuminated in some way what my conception of confidence is now and where I'm looking to head with it, and how even in the midst of not feeling so good, I don't need to be confident necessarily in the situation or even in myself, but use instances where I was confident to build a framework to rest against when I don't feel that way.
00:52:03.360 --> 00:52:24.400
Because knowing that I am so mood-dependent on these thought models or emotional uh upheavals or like slights where they're moving off center, I lean into the rational side of my brain to go, I've already built the the net to catch me here, and I can trust it.
00:52:24.559 --> 00:52:36.079
So I'm gonna sit there and I don't need to understand it, I don't need to feel good, I just need to sit in it because I've spent the time to make sure that I'm safe here until the storm passes.
00:52:36.480 --> 00:52:38.559
And that's that's really all there is to it.
00:52:38.639 --> 00:52:46.320
And the the instant gratification of alcoholism took me out of that idea of patience that just being in it is okay.
00:52:46.559 --> 00:52:50.559
You're not meant to go out in squalls and storms and fucking conquer them.
00:52:50.719 --> 00:52:52.960
You just bat in the hatches and wait it out.
00:52:53.119 --> 00:52:54.159
And that's okay.
00:52:54.320 --> 00:52:55.599
I thought I had to be good.
00:52:55.679 --> 00:53:00.880
I had thought I had to be the best storm fighter in the whole world in order to accomplish whatever I needed to.
00:53:00.960 --> 00:53:04.800
And sometimes it's okay to just say, hey, I'm gonna wait this one the fuck out.
00:53:05.119 --> 00:53:12.639
I have confidence in that now, because sometimes it is nice to just not do shit and uh just wait to see what comes next.
00:53:12.800 --> 00:53:17.760
And in that case, I'll leave you there and we'll see what comes next week.
00:53:17.920 --> 00:53:24.639
Hopefully, with a little less echo, with a little more insight, and some more organization.
00:53:25.199 --> 00:53:26.880
So I hope you have a great week.
00:53:27.039 --> 00:53:28.320
It was fun spending the time with you.
00:53:28.400 --> 00:53:29.280
I'll talk to you then.
