WEBVTT
1
00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:07.469
Everybody. Johnny here. Before we
dive into this podcast, I just wanted
2
00:00:07.509 --> 00:00:10.869
to let you know that it's being
developed as a side project for my main
3
00:00:10.949 --> 00:00:15.470
work, which is now heading up
content strategy for an early stage media startup
4
00:00:15.509 --> 00:00:20.190
called better, spelled, betr.
We're a digital media company that creates and
5
00:00:20.309 --> 00:00:25.019
curates uplifting stories to help people move
forward in life with hope, confidence and
6
00:00:25.100 --> 00:00:30.859
acceptance. We offer written, video
and audio content spending categories such as wellness,
7
00:00:31.260 --> 00:00:34.340
mental health, humanity and more.
Is really something for everyone at better,
8
00:00:34.500 --> 00:00:37.850
whether you need to pick me up
content, personal stories about overcoming life
9
00:00:37.969 --> 00:00:41.810
and mental health challenges, story that
gives you the push to start that business
10
00:00:41.850 --> 00:00:45.450
you've always dreamed of, or just
inspiration on bettering yourself as a human.
11
00:00:46.490 --> 00:00:50.960
To simplify its content that makes you
feel better and dream of a more positive
12
00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:55.159
world around you. So check out
better and find your new favorite video series,
13
00:00:55.240 --> 00:01:00.880
podcast or written column. Just go
to live bettercom l I ve betrcom
14
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:04.989
or, if you like watching videos
on Youtube, subscribe to better on youtubecom
15
00:01:06.030 --> 00:01:10.549
slash betr media and, lastly,
make sure you follow us on instagram and
16
00:01:10.629 --> 00:01:15.790
twitter at Betr for some daily inspiration, nats and feel good content to your
17
00:01:15.829 --> 00:01:19.060
social media feeds, because who doesn't
need that right now? All right,
18
00:01:19.140 --> 00:01:40.409
now, here's the show. I
remember it all started with a text message
19
00:01:40.409 --> 00:01:44.609
of a picture. You were sitting
on some stairs with a Jersey over your
20
00:01:44.689 --> 00:01:49.000
white Tshirt, smoking a cigarette,
with your hat cock backwards, and how
21
00:01:49.079 --> 00:01:53.000
a glance at actually thought it was
me. At first. I remember responding
22
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:56.480
and confusion on my sister, asking
who could have taken this and how she
23
00:01:56.519 --> 00:02:00.239
could have gotten this picture, but
she replied in laughter saying that's not you,
24
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:04.189
that's Mac Miller, but as crazy
as you to actually look really similar.
25
00:02:04.230 --> 00:02:08.710
Let's see. It's funny because up
until that day I was always picked
26
00:02:08.750 --> 00:02:14.990
off for wearing my hat the exact
same way. I wore jerseys over my
27
00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:19.219
white tee's, match my hat down
on my nikes. I rocked a chain
28
00:02:19.300 --> 00:02:22.860
and even had two diamond ear rings. And now, thinking back, the
29
00:02:22.979 --> 00:02:25.860
first track I heard was another night. I remember this was probably back in
30
00:02:27.060 --> 00:02:30.810
two thousand and nine. Now I'm
crying when I hear two thousand and nine
31
00:02:30.849 --> 00:02:32.849
because well, you're gone man,
and I just wish you had made it
32
00:02:32.930 --> 00:02:37.530
through another night. It breaks my
heart knowing that you lost your fight,
33
00:02:38.330 --> 00:02:42.409
that you drowned after swimming with no
life guard in sight, that you can't
34
00:02:42.409 --> 00:02:45.919
come back to Earth, but know
that you didn't die. You change the
35
00:02:45.960 --> 00:02:49.280
world, Mac Miller, and your
story will save lives. And I'm not
36
00:02:49.400 --> 00:02:53.120
talking about the story that played out
on the news that this spun that Shit
37
00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:57.080
as another case of the celebrity blues
and rocked up their views by adding their
38
00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:00.669
political too. But it didn't make
sense because, well, that's not your
39
00:03:00.750 --> 00:03:04.990
truth. And now it's been tweeted
about so much that it's a trending topic.
40
00:03:05.669 --> 00:03:07.389
Mental health is in the media and
all the campaigns want to do is
41
00:03:07.430 --> 00:03:12.069
talk about it. But let's just
stop it, because, well, outlets
42
00:03:12.110 --> 00:03:16.259
are busy politicking, the people in
pain will just keep dropping. You'll keep
43
00:03:16.259 --> 00:03:21.699
describing pills for patients to keep popping
and ignoring the silent ones that till the
44
00:03:21.699 --> 00:03:25.139
bottle from the bottle and pour every
last drop in. These are cries for
45
00:03:25.259 --> 00:03:30.289
help. I'm not sure how we
can't see the problem. Will wage a
46
00:03:30.330 --> 00:03:35.370
war on drugs, but not fixed
worthy pain evolves from and every single day
47
00:03:35.409 --> 00:03:38.409
there's another story silenced, just like
the most dope artist from the Berg that
48
00:03:38.490 --> 00:03:43.439
just couldn't find a balance. He
cried out through his music, but somehow
49
00:03:43.479 --> 00:03:46.840
we didn't notice, and that's why, so it goes, is the last
50
00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:52.599
saying that he posted. How the
fuck did we blow this? When will
51
00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:55.150
we learn that we all have our
hardships, that it doesn't matter if you're
52
00:03:55.189 --> 00:04:00.550
an average Joe and athlete, actor
or artist, that being intentional with those
53
00:04:00.590 --> 00:04:03.349
around us is really what it starts
with? Now I can't take the silence
54
00:04:03.389 --> 00:04:08.909
anymore. It's deafening, so I'll
go first. I'll be honest. My
55
00:04:08.990 --> 00:04:12.460
name is Kyle and I struggle with
my mental health, but I also have
56
00:04:12.539 --> 00:04:15.539
a degree in make six figures.
So it might be hard to tell,
57
00:04:15.620 --> 00:04:18.660
but if you look closely in my
eyes, I promise you'll see my health.
58
00:04:20.459 --> 00:04:24.970
The water has been rising at my
feet for fourteen years. Peddle late
59
00:04:25.050 --> 00:04:28.529
for Kofee now, and I don't
want to be a statistic or story.
60
00:04:28.569 --> 00:04:31.370
People tell of the kid they knew
growing up and way too small of a
61
00:04:31.449 --> 00:04:35.290
town, whose fight was completely invisible
till he was six feet in the ground.
62
00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.160
Well, I'm the author of this
story right now and I don't like
63
00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:45.720
the way that sounds. And now
I won't wait any longer. Knowing there's
64
00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:48.120
millions that need help. And,
by the way, that number is including
65
00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:51.800
myself. So, if there's one
last thing I do, I want to
66
00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:56.470
turn this around, because I know
deep down that my story is bigger than
67
00:04:56.509 --> 00:05:01.550
myself. So now, instead of
being quiet, let's stand up and fight
68
00:05:01.589 --> 00:05:05.949
a stigma. Let's educate our country
that your conditions don't define you. And
69
00:05:06.579 --> 00:05:11.500
please believe me when I say you're
not suffering alone, that there are millions
70
00:05:11.579 --> 00:05:17.060
upon millions out there like you,
with conditions of their own. So stand
71
00:05:17.180 --> 00:05:21.810
with me and help spread the message
that we're all in this together and help
72
00:05:21.930 --> 00:05:27.889
teach society a lesson so one day
we can teach our children to speak about
73
00:05:27.930 --> 00:05:31.209
their truth, their pain, their
struggles and the reality that they're going through.
74
00:05:33.610 --> 00:05:39.399
Please, before we read of another
silent story, quit sleeping on this
75
00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:45.600
issue. I know I'm finally awake. Good Morning. Now, looking back
76
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:48.040
and makes me sad. I never
thought that we would have had more in
77
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:53.670
common than the way we wore our
hats, but I guess mental health has
78
00:05:53.790 --> 00:06:00.350
no borders and shit, that's a
fact. Cheers to a bright soul gone
79
00:06:00.430 --> 00:06:18.009
too soon. Rest easy, Mac
I remember telling my girlfriend to day.
80
00:06:18.009 --> 00:06:21.610
I was like, yeah, will
went for two hours I'm or went for
81
00:06:21.649 --> 00:06:25.089
an hour or something and I'm not
going to be on there more than forty
82
00:06:25.129 --> 00:06:28.290
five minutes because I'm a I'm gonna
have a panic attack and I'll be honest,
83
00:06:28.329 --> 00:06:31.879
I've probably had for panic attacks during
this episode, but I didn't care
84
00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:34.800
because like that, that's what this
is, right, that's why I'm on
85
00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:43.399
here. So like it is,
it is. It is the epitome of
86
00:06:43.560 --> 00:07:05.500
what we're doing. Hey Everyone,
I'm John William. This is creative AF
87
00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:12.180
podcast that dives smack DAB into the
messy intersection of creativity and mental health,
88
00:07:12.779 --> 00:07:20.209
sharing stories of your highest hies and
your lowest lows. What you just heard
89
00:07:20.290 --> 00:07:24.610
there was a poem written by our
next guest and former colleague of mine,
90
00:07:24.730 --> 00:07:30.000
Kyle chooses. The poem title Good
Morning is a reflection of the impact Mac
91
00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:34.439
Miller had on Kyle's life and the
importance our mental health journeys and stories can
92
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:42.879
have on just one person's life.
That journey started off very early for Kyle
93
00:07:44.120 --> 00:07:46.910
when he was growing up as a
skater and self proclaimed rebel during the early
94
00:07:46.990 --> 00:07:51.269
two thousand s. He could always
feel that something wasn't quite right. Struggling
95
00:07:51.310 --> 00:07:56.230
through a messy divorce of his parents
and dealing with some early loss of some
96
00:07:56.470 --> 00:08:00.860
close friends. Kyle had to make
some very important decisions on how to move
97
00:08:00.939 --> 00:08:05.459
forward with his education and how serious
he needed to be in taking things even
98
00:08:05.500 --> 00:08:11.180
though, as you'll hear, the
best decision wasn't always made. Now,
99
00:08:11.540 --> 00:08:13.850
while many of the stories we've told
in the show have revolved around the struggles
100
00:08:13.889 --> 00:08:18.889
and pressures of sports, design and
creativity, what Kyle realized was that those
101
00:08:18.930 --> 00:08:22.970
dream jobs he would have would certainly
have an effect on him personally and his
102
00:08:24.089 --> 00:08:28.879
mental health. But his story shows
us that so many of the external elements
103
00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:33.440
in our lives, outside of our
jobs, can also be primary contributors to
104
00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:39.759
our personal mental health issues. This
life journey that we wake up in every
105
00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:43.070
day isn't easy and sometimes we can
actually use our jobs as an escape for
106
00:08:43.149 --> 00:08:48.190
the reality of what our home in
personal life maybe similar to many of us.
107
00:08:48.230 --> 00:08:52.149
Through hard work and a lot of
self proclaimed luck, Kyle landed in
108
00:08:52.230 --> 00:08:58.059
some amazing sports design jobs, but
also experience the other side of design life
109
00:08:58.059 --> 00:09:03.940
as a uxui in praduct designer for
a few different digital agencies. Starting off,
110
00:09:03.940 --> 00:09:07.820
though, Kyle's love of sports was
manifested through his love of skateboarding.
111
00:09:07.940 --> 00:09:13.409
He was good at it. He
found that skateboarding culture was driven by art
112
00:09:13.649 --> 00:09:18.769
and design in everything from the boards
themselves to the clothing lines and the brands
113
00:09:18.769 --> 00:09:22.850
associated with him. This passion led
him to some really interesting places throughout his
114
00:09:22.889 --> 00:09:33.399
childhood. I started skateboarding at seven
years old, like I said, to
115
00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:37.200
try and distance myself, I think
at the time, you know, obviously
116
00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:39.750
I didn't know what I was doing
at the time, bluster, trying to
117
00:09:39.909 --> 00:09:46.309
find something to give myself some independence, some space, something to express myself.
118
00:09:46.909 --> 00:09:56.179
And from seven until nineteen skateboarding was
my life. So I grew up
119
00:09:56.179 --> 00:10:01.539
skating with all the neighborhood kids.
I ended up getting sponsored around I think
120
00:10:03.059 --> 00:10:09.009
twelve or thirteen years old. Worked
in a bunch of skate shops, competed
121
00:10:09.049 --> 00:10:15.570
all over California and a circuit called
Castle California, which skateboarding league. So
122
00:10:15.730 --> 00:10:18.649
it really became a big, big
part of my life, big part of
123
00:10:18.690 --> 00:10:24.799
my identity from a very young age
and I remember the first time I ever
124
00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:35.990
ever recognized art was at my first
skateboarding competition in the castle organization. I
125
00:10:37.429 --> 00:10:43.230
was at a Skate Park in Sacramento
and I was doing warmups and I was
126
00:10:43.350 --> 00:10:48.590
sitting on top of this this quarter
pipe, and I'm looking down at my
127
00:10:48.669 --> 00:10:50.899
shoes and I had on some some
new nikes that my parents have bought me
128
00:10:52.019 --> 00:10:56.100
for the competition, which, by
the way, is the worst thing to
129
00:10:56.259 --> 00:11:01.659
do to skate new shoes right the
competition. So that didn't go so well.
130
00:11:01.740 --> 00:11:03.649
But I'm sitting there on the quarter
pipe and I looked down and I
131
00:11:03.730 --> 00:11:09.129
see this Nike logo on the sole
of my shoe. Is it was all
132
00:11:09.250 --> 00:11:16.730
black new buck shoe with a gray, dark gray soul, and the the
133
00:11:16.769 --> 00:11:20.240
Nike logo was also dark gray and
it was just embossed into the shoe.
134
00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:26.799
So I'm sitting there and I'm looking
at it and I'm noticing all the Nike
135
00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:31.679
Logos around the competition, because there's
tons of banners and apparel and merchandise everywhere,
136
00:11:33.309 --> 00:11:35.990
and I thought to myself, someone
got paid to make that logo.
137
00:11:37.230 --> 00:11:41.870
And I must have been ten,
ten years old, eleven years old,
138
00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:48.779
and so that was really my first
introduction into how art played a part in
139
00:11:48.940 --> 00:11:54.940
my world. The things I wore
this everyone the skateboards I I was riding
140
00:11:56.860 --> 00:12:03.450
to the companies that I liked in
skateboarding and I started to put that together
141
00:12:03.570 --> 00:12:07.009
with all the sports that I was
into. Right. So I grew up
142
00:12:07.450 --> 00:12:13.370
in a big sports family. My
Dad Played College Ball. Every one of
143
00:12:13.409 --> 00:12:16.720
my family's from Long Island, New
York, except for me. I'm the
144
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:20.440
only West coaster my family. So
that's why I'm the weird one, I
145
00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:24.399
think. But you know, I
grew up in a big, big Yankees
146
00:12:24.519 --> 00:12:28.879
household. Grew up watching every game
with my dad, you know, listening
147
00:12:28.919 --> 00:12:33.149
to Frank Sinatra, New York,
New York every time they won, and
148
00:12:35.629 --> 00:12:37.990
those are some really fond memories.
And I started putting all of this,
149
00:12:39.710 --> 00:12:46.220
this connection to art in my life
through through skateboarding and through sports. But
150
00:12:46.340 --> 00:12:52.700
it wasn't until much later that that
became an idea to pursue as as a
151
00:12:52.860 --> 00:13:05.929
career. Skateboards were in our just
these beautiful canvases, right, and so
152
00:13:05.490 --> 00:13:11.210
I remember that as well, you
know, growing up and my boards were
153
00:13:11.250 --> 00:13:13.960
it and like you didn't you got
a scrape on it. You were pissed,
154
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:18.240
but that was like part of life. And now you know arts and
155
00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:24.519
in the street arts scene and what
complex is done for normalizing you know that
156
00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:28.669
skateboard life and in street where life. You know I mean it's it is
157
00:13:28.789 --> 00:13:31.909
all art and is one hundred percent
focused on that. We there any early
158
00:13:33.029 --> 00:13:37.110
influence you had that you remember?
I Know Rob Dardek was a big one.
159
00:13:37.149 --> 00:13:41.460
I used to watch the for on
one videos, used to fall asleep
160
00:13:41.580 --> 00:13:48.259
to h a f on one issue
videos. He was a big he was
161
00:13:48.299 --> 00:13:52.379
a big role model for me.
Not only did I like his actual skate
162
00:13:52.460 --> 00:13:56.129
style, but the way he liked
presented himself, is his sense of humor,
163
00:13:56.370 --> 00:13:58.889
and he had this a little bit
of like there was when I was
164
00:13:58.929 --> 00:14:03.649
skating. It was either you were
fresh you're hash. So you're like,
165
00:14:03.409 --> 00:14:07.970
you know, wearing all the baggy
clothes and you know, backwards hats and
166
00:14:07.009 --> 00:14:11.279
DC and all that stuff. You
were Hash and you're wearing you know,
167
00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:16.200
more like black label or some of
them, some of those tighter clothes and
168
00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:20.759
tighter, you know, beat up
shoes, and I was much more on
169
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:24.909
the fresh side, and so is
Rob Derdek, and so I grew up
170
00:14:26.029 --> 00:14:31.509
being really influenced by his videos and
everything he was doing. And you're right
171
00:14:31.590 --> 00:14:35.429
when you say, you know,
there are canvas, because it's it's the
172
00:14:35.629 --> 00:14:43.220
biggest opportunity to be an individual at
such a young age, because all the
173
00:14:43.259 --> 00:14:46.460
other sports. You know, you're
playing with a team, which is great
174
00:14:46.460 --> 00:14:52.779
because you learned teamwork and collaboration and
communication, but to be able to have
175
00:14:52.970 --> 00:14:58.409
that independence to spress yourself and and
find who you want to be rather than
176
00:14:58.450 --> 00:15:03.169
wearing a uniform that fits in with
everybody else. I think there was so
177
00:15:03.250 --> 00:15:07.480
much, so much that shaped me
at that time because of that that that
178
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.279
would, you know, transcend into
who I am as an adult. Sure.
179
00:15:13.159 --> 00:15:20.000
So, so you were skating,
you're skating professionally and and then you
180
00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:24.269
got out of high school. What
did you do next? Yeah, so
181
00:15:24.830 --> 00:15:28.190
actually, speaking of high school,
take a little bit of a step back.
182
00:15:28.190 --> 00:15:33.230
Sure. Yeah. So when I
got to high school, I was
183
00:15:33.590 --> 00:15:39.059
living at my my mom's house.
My mom is, you know, she
184
00:15:39.139 --> 00:15:43.980
has had a really long battle with
physical disabilities. She's an amazing mom,
185
00:15:45.179 --> 00:15:48.299
you know. She never, she
never let anything she was going through,
186
00:15:48.500 --> 00:15:54.129
you know, really affect my day
to day. She did everything she could
187
00:15:54.169 --> 00:15:56.289
to make sure that she had a
smile on and there's food on the table.
188
00:15:58.570 --> 00:16:02.850
But you know, sometimes she had
her bad days, just like you
189
00:16:02.970 --> 00:16:07.000
know, everyone does, whether it's
a physical or mental obstacle that you're trying
190
00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:14.120
to overcome, and a lot of
times I didn't have any supervision and that
191
00:16:14.279 --> 00:16:18.750
led to a lot of truancy issues
at school. So I was choosing skateboarding
192
00:16:21.590 --> 00:16:25.830
over school. I honestly thought that's
what my career was going to be in
193
00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:29.029
at a young age and that's what
I was putting all on my I was
194
00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:33.500
putting all my eggs in that basket. And so school, I didn't learn
195
00:16:33.779 --> 00:16:38.940
it in the typical classroom environment as
well as others did. I'm a visual
196
00:16:40.019 --> 00:16:42.659
learner, which, you know,
obviously translates into how I ended up becoming
197
00:16:42.659 --> 00:16:47.019
a creative. I just had no
idea at the time. But yeah,
198
00:16:47.059 --> 00:16:52.330
so I'm at the local high school, or Grande High School, and it's
199
00:16:52.370 --> 00:16:57.809
sophomore year and I get called into
the my counselor's office out of nowhere and
200
00:16:59.649 --> 00:17:03.359
she in short, she basically tells
me I'm not going to graduate and that
201
00:17:04.119 --> 00:17:11.319
I'm already setting myself up to not
make much of myself in life, and
202
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:18.509
not only looking back now, is
that like a really like misplaced conversation.
203
00:17:22.750 --> 00:17:25.430
Maybe not the best way to speak
to a, you know, a fifteen
204
00:17:25.470 --> 00:17:33.819
year old, but it was also
a wakeup call for me. The only
205
00:17:33.900 --> 00:17:36.700
thing was they didn't give me an
answer. So, you know, I
206
00:17:36.779 --> 00:17:40.819
said, well, what's next?
where I do because I come from,
207
00:17:40.980 --> 00:17:45.730
you know, my dad. He
is successful. He is a director of
208
00:17:45.809 --> 00:17:49.650
architecture team for a global financial company
and he's worked out for ten years.
209
00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:53.289
Before that he owned his own businesses. Of So my dad's done really well
210
00:17:53.329 --> 00:17:56.210
in business and I grew up seeing
that in that pressure is always kind of
211
00:17:56.250 --> 00:18:00.440
been on me. So, you
know, being in my shoes, you
212
00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:04.000
know, knowing that in that moment
I'm thinking our crap, like I'm I'm
213
00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.440
already letting I'm already letting my family
down on Monday fift I'm only fifteen years
214
00:18:07.440 --> 00:18:15.150
old. You know, maybe the
skateboarding things just a dream and I need
215
00:18:15.349 --> 00:18:18.589
I need to know what to do, and my counselor didn't tell me what
216
00:18:18.710 --> 00:18:22.150
to do. I actually went to
who was the more of the mental health
217
00:18:22.269 --> 00:18:26.220
counselor, if you could call it
that. He was more of just he
218
00:18:26.299 --> 00:18:30.740
seemed like just a homie. He
wasn't my actual school pointing counselor, but
219
00:18:30.859 --> 00:18:33.579
he worked at the school and that's
where we would ditch class to hang out
220
00:18:33.579 --> 00:18:41.529
at and he told me about a
continuation school. It's called Lopez High School.
221
00:18:42.250 --> 00:18:49.490
It's also in a royal grande,
but it had a program inside of
222
00:18:49.529 --> 00:18:52.250
it called Independent Studies, which I'm
sure a lot of people are familiar with,
223
00:18:52.890 --> 00:18:56.559
and so he suggested that independent study
would be the best route for me
224
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:00.880
to go if I had any shot
of getting back on track with my grades.
225
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:06.960
But even then he told me that
coming back to rug grande high school
226
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:11.150
to graduate with my friends is,
you know, a slim, slim to
227
00:19:11.309 --> 00:19:17.029
none chance that that's going to happen. So, just based on other students,
228
00:19:17.109 --> 00:19:21.349
most of them don't come back.
And so I get to Lopez high
229
00:19:21.349 --> 00:19:25.460
school and I actually had a bunch
of friends there. You know, this
230
00:19:25.579 --> 00:19:29.740
is a small town, I guess
for context people listening, you know I'm
231
00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:30.900
in San Luis Abisspo right now,
which is a little bit more of a
232
00:19:30.980 --> 00:19:36.380
city, but a royal grande is
a small town. I think there's like
233
00:19:37.019 --> 00:19:40.809
fourteen thousand people growing up. I
mean there's much smaller towns, but it's
234
00:19:40.809 --> 00:19:45.130
still as still a pretty small town. And when there's only one high school,
235
00:19:45.369 --> 00:19:48.009
you know, one junior high,
stuff like that. So anyway,
236
00:19:48.130 --> 00:19:51.930
so I sign up for this continuation
school. I leave a Royal Grande High
237
00:19:51.930 --> 00:19:56.759
I go to this continuation school sign
up for independent studies and they give you
238
00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:03.079
homework two days a week and you're
there for two hours and then they just
239
00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:07.079
expect you to do it. So
a kid with truancy issues, with a
240
00:20:07.190 --> 00:20:12.230
bad home life and some mental health
stuff that you know, had started to
241
00:20:14.470 --> 00:20:18.910
surface that I wasn't really aware of
yet but was definitely manifesting itself, it
242
00:20:19.069 --> 00:20:22.420
was just a terrible idea. It
was just a perfect storm for me to
243
00:20:22.500 --> 00:20:26.339
fail, and so I did.
I took that as another opportunity, like
244
00:20:26.460 --> 00:20:32.019
hey, no one's watching me,
I feel weird about what's going on in
245
00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:36.609
my life and I'm going to go
skate because that's my escape. And so
246
00:20:36.690 --> 00:20:38.690
I did. I would grab my
homework, I'd leave school at zero am
247
00:20:38.730 --> 00:20:45.809
and I'd had about forty minutes north
to go skate Skate Park and there'd be
248
00:20:45.849 --> 00:20:48.049
no one there. I put in
my headphones and I'd be there for hours,
249
00:20:48.089 --> 00:20:52.759
until the sun went down, I
would say. That's when I peeked
250
00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:59.680
at skateboarding. Yeah, so I
wasn't that mad about it, but at
251
00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:06.269
the end of the day I was
failing myself because I wasn't taking my future
252
00:21:06.269 --> 00:21:10.029
seriously. I wasn't acknowledging what was
going on at home and how is affecting
253
00:21:10.069 --> 00:21:15.990
me. I wasn't acknowledging how my
mental health was manifesting in my life,
254
00:21:22.539 --> 00:21:26.980
and so I guess to skip ahead
to like the pinnacle of all this is
255
00:21:30.140 --> 00:21:37.930
I had to enroll in Lopez full
time and as a regular student, independent
256
00:21:37.970 --> 00:21:42.730
study, and it it was that
was that was the biggest shock to my
257
00:21:44.089 --> 00:21:51.079
system, because I kind of just
roadless road this like, you know,
258
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:55.759
idea of everything's going to work out
in the end, because this is a
259
00:21:55.799 --> 00:22:00.589
world grande and I, you know, come from a successful family and everything's
260
00:22:00.630 --> 00:22:03.990
just going to work out right.
I'm writing this idea of like privilege and
261
00:22:04.109 --> 00:22:08.390
skateboarding and whatever it was. Well, now I'm in a completely different environment
262
00:22:08.829 --> 00:22:14.470
with people who have completely different backgrounds, come from completely different walks of life.
263
00:22:15.710 --> 00:22:18.700
You know, a lot of kids
in that school had much more broken
264
00:22:18.740 --> 00:22:23.059
family situation since and I did,
and it was a very rough environment and
265
00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:29.059
I remember being in there and saying, what am I doing? Where am
266
00:22:29.099 --> 00:22:33.890
I like? This isn't this isn't
where I'm supposed to be. And that
267
00:22:34.049 --> 00:22:45.839
school only had three electives. So
one was jewelry, one was, I
268
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:52.519
think, like theater or something and
then the other was digital art, and
269
00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:55.880
you end up taking all three of
them and I made some some pretty Badass
270
00:22:55.880 --> 00:23:02.630
jewelry, if I may say so. But I remember taking digital art and
271
00:23:03.470 --> 00:23:07.990
at this point I was still I
wasn't motivated. I was just kind of
272
00:23:07.470 --> 00:23:12.339
on autopilot, going with the flow, and my teacher comes up to me
273
00:23:12.900 --> 00:23:19.380
and is we're learning photoshop at the
time and he says, Oh, Hey,
274
00:23:19.460 --> 00:23:22.539
you know, that's pretty great.
I don't even remember what we were
275
00:23:22.579 --> 00:23:26.250
creating. I think it was just
photo manipulation tests. And he's like how
276
00:23:26.289 --> 00:23:32.690
would you like to do a project
for the school? And although I strongly
277
00:23:32.769 --> 00:23:37.970
disliked the school, I was like
yeah, that sure, I don't even
278
00:23:37.970 --> 00:23:41.329
know what I'm doing, but I'd
love to. Like someone's telling me I'm
279
00:23:41.369 --> 00:23:44.839
good at something other than skateboarding.
It was like wait, what, I
280
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.440
can I can do something else.
I'm somebody else other than just me on
281
00:23:48.519 --> 00:23:53.000
a skateboard. And so I did
that project and it was like the bell
282
00:23:53.160 --> 00:24:03.950
schedule, something funny, and the
principal saw and he had some meeting with
283
00:24:03.109 --> 00:24:08.589
some district people and they saw and
they asked me to do some design work
284
00:24:08.710 --> 00:24:12.099
that was going to go up up
in schools across the district and I was
285
00:24:12.180 --> 00:24:15.140
like, again, I don't feel
like I'm qualified to be doing this,
286
00:24:15.380 --> 00:24:21.660
but sure, why not? And
I remember that morning when they asked me
287
00:24:21.700 --> 00:24:37.529
to do that was what changed my
entire life. I'm standing outside of Lopez
288
00:24:37.569 --> 00:24:41.519
high school and it's probably like N
am and it's morning and it's, you
289
00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:45.480
know where, by the ocean,
so it's crisp and I'm standing out there
290
00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.799
and I'm just thinking about, for
some reason, all the weight of just
291
00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.549
like the pressure that I put on
myself of, you know, coming from
292
00:24:53.549 --> 00:24:59.069
a successful family and, you know, trying to live up to those standards
293
00:24:59.109 --> 00:25:02.750
eventually, and where I was at, you know, the situation I'd put
294
00:25:02.750 --> 00:25:07.740
myself in, and I'm thinking,
you know, is graphic design like a
295
00:25:07.859 --> 00:25:15.299
thing you can get paid to do? Because at that point my my ideas
296
00:25:15.380 --> 00:25:21.299
were either I was going to have
a career and skateboarding or I was going
297
00:25:21.299 --> 00:25:26.289
to join the military. I always
had this feeling inside myself of always wanting
298
00:25:26.289 --> 00:25:30.529
to do something bigger than myself,
and so I've it's skateboarding didn't work out.
299
00:25:30.609 --> 00:25:34.210
I was strongly interested in enjoying the
military. A lot of people don't
300
00:25:34.210 --> 00:25:37.440
know that I really don't talk about
that because I didn't end up joining it,
301
00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:42.279
so it's not something I share a
lot, but I just remember thinking
302
00:25:42.319 --> 00:25:47.839
that they like if graphic design is
something I can do, like I really
303
00:25:47.880 --> 00:25:52.670
want to get my shit together and
I really want to become like the person
304
00:25:52.750 --> 00:25:56.910
that I'm able to be sure I
have all these these resources, tools,
305
00:25:56.950 --> 00:26:00.069
support system, like people that are
rooting for me that can help me get
306
00:26:00.069 --> 00:26:06.339
to these places. I get to
decide what my life looks like. So
307
00:26:06.500 --> 00:26:08.500
if this is something I can do, I want to pursue it. And
308
00:26:08.579 --> 00:26:14.099
after I found out that people get
paid to design stuff on a regular basis,
309
00:26:14.099 --> 00:26:15.980
I think I think I remember doing
research. At the time it was
310
00:26:17.140 --> 00:26:23.049
like the the you know, graphic
design managers or directors were maybe making like
311
00:26:23.170 --> 00:26:26.529
Fiftyzero dollars a year. Yeah,
and so it's not like I was in
312
00:26:26.609 --> 00:26:30.369
it for the money at all,
right, I was just in it to
313
00:26:30.569 --> 00:26:33.759
be creative and have a career.
And I remember, after learning about that,
314
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:37.599
I didn't even know that sports is
on was a thing. I just
315
00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:40.880
told my dad, Hey, I'm
going to be a graphic designer for the
316
00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:45.839
New York Yankees on this and he's
like, what do you mean? I
317
00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:48.029
was like I, if it's a
thing, I'm going to do it right,
318
00:26:49.910 --> 00:26:55.309
which that's awesome. Yeah, which
follow which, you know, led
319
00:26:55.390 --> 00:26:57.390
to the following question, which I
hear all the time to this day.
320
00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:04.980
Why does a sports organization need a
designer? Well, in what year was
321
00:27:06.099 --> 00:27:08.819
that? so that I was seventeen. That was two thousand and seven.
322
00:27:10.180 --> 00:27:14.819
Okay, so facebook was one year
old. Yeah, I didn't. I
323
00:27:14.859 --> 00:27:18.089
don't think I had a facebook yet. Yeah, no, it in because
324
00:27:18.130 --> 00:27:21.930
you had to have any do you
address at that point, and they were
325
00:27:22.250 --> 00:27:25.690
just, you know, getting around, and so you know, there was
326
00:27:25.849 --> 00:27:29.730
no there was no social media.
You know, we weren't designing back then
327
00:27:29.970 --> 00:27:33.240
for that, and so it's a
valid question, you know, because I
328
00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:34.680
don't think many of us knew,
even though we were. You know,
329
00:27:34.920 --> 00:27:41.519
I had just started with the diamondbacks
at that point, and and so you
330
00:27:41.599 --> 00:27:44.279
know, certainly there was you know, I need when most it was in
331
00:27:44.349 --> 00:27:48.990
game or or just traditional marketing like
we had, like we have been doing
332
00:27:48.109 --> 00:27:53.549
before the social media really, you
know, exploded. So you mentioned one
333
00:27:53.589 --> 00:27:59.819
thing. You know, you had
some early signals that that maybe not everything
334
00:28:00.019 --> 00:28:03.220
was right. Tell me more about
that. What we're we're those signals.
335
00:28:03.259 --> 00:28:07.140
That said, okay, you know, maybe dealing with some mental health things
336
00:28:07.180 --> 00:28:10.859
here, but I don't really know
what that is. Yeah, great question
337
00:28:10.900 --> 00:28:12.650
and I'm kind of glad now we
set that up with the the skateboarding.
338
00:28:14.450 --> 00:28:19.210
I think that's a good segue because
that's when it really started to manifest itself
339
00:28:19.250 --> 00:28:27.480
again. I was so young that
I wasn't self aware enough to know that
340
00:28:27.559 --> 00:28:33.000
there are mental health issues and I
didn't have enough supervision on a regular basis
341
00:28:33.160 --> 00:28:37.720
or friends that were old enough or
other family members I had gone through anything
342
00:28:37.839 --> 00:28:40.920
to recognize it. So I was
really dealing with it on my own.
343
00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:44.869
But how it started, and this
is really interesting. I've only I've only
344
00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:51.869
shared this one other time, is
it started to actually push myself as a
345
00:28:51.950 --> 00:28:57.900
mechanism to push myself in my competitions, so to speak. Freely about this
346
00:28:59.099 --> 00:29:02.819
feels good for me because it sounds
so messed up, but it had the
347
00:29:02.900 --> 00:29:06.500
best intentions and you know, I
actually don't even think my family knows this,
348
00:29:06.579 --> 00:29:07.259
so will be interesting to see what
they say when they hear this.
349
00:29:07.779 --> 00:29:15.930
But I would tell myself when I
was practicing at home, to think about
350
00:29:15.009 --> 00:29:23.640
something bad happening to someone you love
and that if you don't commit to that
351
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:30.680
trick the hardest that you possibly can, that something bad could possibly happen.
352
00:29:37.589 --> 00:29:44.269
And now a lot of people listening
to this and back while I was discussing
353
00:29:44.349 --> 00:29:47.549
why would you even go there in
your mind? But I mean, that
354
00:29:47.670 --> 00:29:51.589
comes from not knowing my heart.
And for the people that don't know me,
355
00:29:52.069 --> 00:29:55.380
which is going to be the majority
of people listening, is like my
356
00:29:55.579 --> 00:29:59.059
life is based on relationships and it's
based on other you know, putting other
357
00:29:59.140 --> 00:30:04.740
people first, and I value I
value people in my life. I have
358
00:30:04.779 --> 00:30:11.369
a small circle of very close friends
and and that's just how I live my
359
00:30:11.410 --> 00:30:15.089
life. So I care very deeply
for the people around me and how I
360
00:30:15.210 --> 00:30:21.009
affect them. And and so that
that mechanism was for me to step my
361
00:30:21.130 --> 00:30:22.839
game up. Like there was never
a situation in my mind where I would
362
00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:27.400
say that and I wouldn't try my
hardest. And so in my mind I
363
00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:34.950
was controlling the situation right and I
mean it's sad to say that it worked,
364
00:30:37.869 --> 00:30:45.309
and I guess I could kind of
say like I created the monster because
365
00:30:45.390 --> 00:30:52.980
although that technique may have worked in
in competition, it's spiraled out of control
366
00:30:53.019 --> 00:30:56.500
very quickly in my personal life.
So I'll give you two examples of the
367
00:30:56.579 --> 00:31:00.900
highs and lows of that. And
so the high would be I was skating
368
00:31:00.940 --> 00:31:07.730
state championships down in Los Angeles,
in Ontario, California and its state championships,
369
00:31:07.769 --> 00:31:11.490
and it's castle, and so a
lot of people are familiar with castle.
370
00:31:11.650 --> 00:31:15.130
But the California unfer skateboarding league,
a lot of guys who ended up
371
00:31:15.130 --> 00:31:21.640
going pro came out of or Ryan
Sheckler, Niga Houston, who's the most
372
00:31:21.680 --> 00:31:23.599
famous skateboarder in the world, most
wellpaid skateboard in the world right now,
373
00:31:26.920 --> 00:31:30.000
and so those guys are all there. Tony Hawks there, Riley Hawk,
374
00:31:30.119 --> 00:31:33.950
his son was it, you know
he we're all warming up together, we're
375
00:31:33.990 --> 00:31:40.349
all shooting the shit. So when
I'm skating in front of these guys,
376
00:31:40.710 --> 00:31:44.190
it was a high to be able
to have this tool in my belt to
377
00:31:44.309 --> 00:31:49.660
make me skate better in front of
these people. But when I got home
378
00:31:51.859 --> 00:31:55.099
all of that goes away right there's
no rams, there's no announcer, there's
379
00:31:55.140 --> 00:31:59.980
no music, there's no you know, skateboarding prodigies, it's just me and
380
00:32:00.140 --> 00:32:12.690
my thoughts, and that tool quickly
became something that would play a big part.
381
00:32:12.769 --> 00:32:15.920
Like it was a big disruption in
my day. It would be.
382
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:19.480
It turned into what a lot of
people are familiar with, is OCD,
383
00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:25.119
is ritual, ritualistic thinking of like
after turn this light switch off like four
384
00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:30.750
times, I had to, you
know, if someone touched if one of
385
00:32:30.789 --> 00:32:31.829
my friends tap me on the shoulder, I had to tap them back.
386
00:32:34.670 --> 00:32:37.630
I had a tap my board four
times before I try to trick or I
387
00:32:37.789 --> 00:32:40.990
even stepped out my front door,
I couldn't step on certain cracks. I
388
00:32:42.069 --> 00:32:49.859
mean it started to become debilitating by
the time I was fourteen. I remember
389
00:32:50.779 --> 00:32:52.579
literally being on my knees in my
room crying because it was just so out
390
00:32:52.619 --> 00:33:22.720
of control. You mean this is
essentially it's negative reinforcement. Right, we
391
00:33:22.799 --> 00:33:25.039
can. We can get into discussions
a little later about some of the therapy
392
00:33:25.160 --> 00:33:30.109
that it goes in and some of
the psychology behind that. But you were
393
00:33:30.150 --> 00:33:39.549
reinforcing your positive actions with negative thought
and in but it didn't stay within that
394
00:33:39.789 --> 00:33:45.299
one that one area of your life. It started it started creeping into everything
395
00:33:45.539 --> 00:33:51.180
and you're alone with your thoughts and
you're thinking about that. How did that
396
00:33:51.220 --> 00:33:54.460
affects? That have that effect?
The the next stage, as you transitioned
397
00:33:54.539 --> 00:34:01.009
into art, school. Yeah,
great question. So OCD was the first
398
00:34:04.210 --> 00:34:09.079
symptoms, I guess, if you
want to label it now, I was
399
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:17.840
experiencing but as I got into high
school it became anxiety that played a large
400
00:34:17.920 --> 00:34:22.800
part in my relationships, not only
with my friends, with girl friends,
401
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:29.590
with work, but in so after
I graduate high school, I decided to
402
00:34:30.070 --> 00:34:32.869
do the local community college. Saying
here. I studied graphic design for two
403
00:34:32.909 --> 00:34:37.820
years. I didn't finish my associates
because it was essentially just a high school
404
00:34:37.820 --> 00:34:47.099
reunion. So I was designing and
drinking and skateboarding. So I wasn't again,
405
00:34:47.139 --> 00:34:54.809
I was again not taking it seriously
until my girlfriend at the time she
406
00:34:55.409 --> 00:35:04.250
was moving down to Los Angeles for
Nursing School and she asked me if you
407
00:35:04.409 --> 00:35:06.690
know, hey, do you want
to move to Los Angeles? And I'm
408
00:35:06.730 --> 00:35:10.320
sitting here thinking like, I have
no job down there, I don't have
409
00:35:10.440 --> 00:35:16.159
a family that's willing to pay for
my college. I'm not I don't come
410
00:35:16.199 --> 00:35:22.429
from a family background that I can
receive special grants or anything. So I'm
411
00:35:22.429 --> 00:35:28.789
kind of up Shit's creek when it
comes to paying for college. And I
412
00:35:28.989 --> 00:35:32.389
was anxious about the idea of being
away from family and friends and my you
413
00:35:32.469 --> 00:35:37.019
know, my safety net, the
town I grew up in my whole life,
414
00:35:37.539 --> 00:35:45.059
and I cared a lot about this
this woman. And you know,
415
00:35:45.219 --> 00:35:50.170
I had plan done on, I
should say we had planned on, you
416
00:35:50.289 --> 00:35:52.130
know, US working out, and
so I said, you know, this
417
00:35:52.250 --> 00:35:54.929
is a sacrifice that you should make, and and so I did. I
418
00:35:55.170 --> 00:36:01.690
moved down to Los Angeles and it
was very it was a very anxious time
419
00:36:01.809 --> 00:36:07.920
in my life again, because I
had no support down there. I've spent
420
00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:09.920
a lot of time in Los Angeles
Skateboarding, so I knew that. I
421
00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:15.519
knew the area, which was a
little easier to step into. I was
422
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:17.480
the one being like, Oh,
yeah, I know we are when we're
423
00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:21.789
looking for houses and stuff, but
at the end of the day, like,
424
00:36:21.869 --> 00:36:25.670
I had no support system. I
was dealing with OCD and not I
425
00:36:27.269 --> 00:36:30.429
obviously didn't talk to my girlfriend about
that because at that time there's a lot
426
00:36:30.469 --> 00:36:37.699
of shame around talking about that type
of stuff and my anxiety. You know,
427
00:36:37.860 --> 00:36:43.260
she would see anxiety attacks, but
I still they were silent. You
428
00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:45.579
know, it wasn't apparent to her
until after we've been dating for a few
429
00:36:45.619 --> 00:36:49.849
years that she could really notice,
like the subtle science, that something was
430
00:36:49.849 --> 00:36:52.170
going on. What were the what
were some of those signs? I wasn't
431
00:36:52.170 --> 00:37:00.570
manifesting it was anxiety manifesting at that
point. Yeah, shortness of breath,
432
00:37:00.760 --> 00:37:08.760
tingling in my you know, my
arms and hands, temper, my tension
433
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:15.070
span, my my level of energy
was a big one. So not having
434
00:37:15.110 --> 00:37:17.869
energy a lot to, you know, go out and do a lot of
435
00:37:17.909 --> 00:37:20.949
things. You know, you're in
Los Angeles, you're young, you're twenty
436
00:37:20.949 --> 00:37:25.389
years old, you want to go
explore the world and I didn't have energy
437
00:37:25.510 --> 00:37:30.860
do that a lot. So those
are some of the clear signs that something
438
00:37:30.940 --> 00:37:37.059
was changing, because it was literally
affecting was I was living my life out
439
00:37:37.099 --> 00:37:42.940
of avoidance, but at that point, compared to where it ended up in,
440
00:37:43.380 --> 00:37:52.369
you know, current time was very
miniscule. So you get down to
441
00:37:52.409 --> 00:37:59.679
La it's a girlfriends somewhat good on
the outside, you're fighting your demons on
442
00:37:59.800 --> 00:38:04.920
the inside. What did you end
up doing? How did that transition go
443
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:12.159
for it? So she enrolled in
a really prestigious nursing school and that moded
444
00:38:12.280 --> 00:38:16.429
meet. That motivated me to do
something. You know, I was I
445
00:38:16.590 --> 00:38:23.710
was working for some wedding photography company
and I was traveling back up to San
446
00:38:23.750 --> 00:38:28.900
Luis Obisspo, which is three hours
north, for weddings and stuff, and
447
00:38:29.059 --> 00:38:34.539
it just wasn't a feasible thing to
sustain. So I was like, I
448
00:38:34.659 --> 00:38:37.219
need to figure out a way to
move my life forward, because she is
449
00:38:37.260 --> 00:38:39.579
and I want to keep up.
And, you know, I didn't go.
450
00:38:39.900 --> 00:38:43.889
I didn't study graphic design for two
years and have this you know,
451
00:38:44.449 --> 00:38:46.250
mom smentum of you know, I
want to be a sports designer for nothing
452
00:38:46.329 --> 00:38:50.809
like. It's time to capitalize on
that, and so I just it was
453
00:38:50.849 --> 00:38:52.610
a big kick in the kick in
the ass for me watching, you know,
454
00:38:52.730 --> 00:39:00.400
her pursue her dreams. And so, without any I wanted to go
455
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:07.920
to Otis, which is a prestigious
art school down in La I chose the
456
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:15.030
less expensive of the two evils and
I went to the art institute in Santa
457
00:39:15.070 --> 00:39:21.590
Monica. What that looked like,
though, was twenty year old walking into,
458
00:39:22.070 --> 00:39:29.940
you know, a recruiting office and
being lied to about what that school
459
00:39:29.980 --> 00:39:37.019
could offer me. And at the
time I didn't know that. At the
460
00:39:37.099 --> 00:39:38.849
time I see like Oh, the
art institute. I see this name everywhere
461
00:39:38.849 --> 00:39:43.570
and you know, you guys are
telling me you have relationships with BMW and
462
00:39:43.610 --> 00:39:46.969
Nike and Adidas and activision and it
was right next door to us and I
463
00:39:47.050 --> 00:39:51.489
was like, I felt like I
was in this whole other world of opportunities,
464
00:39:52.079 --> 00:39:57.599
which was a facade, but you
know, that's a whole other story.
465
00:39:57.679 --> 00:40:00.039
So I ended up going to the
art institute. I was there for
466
00:40:00.199 --> 00:40:09.630
about six months and I remember finding
teamwork online probably like one or two months
467
00:40:09.670 --> 00:40:16.550
into into art school. And Teamwork
on line is is a job, a
468
00:40:16.590 --> 00:40:24.260
job board site that they post the
majority of sports jobs on, and it
469
00:40:24.579 --> 00:40:29.179
was. It's evolved a lot now, but at the time it was very
470
00:40:29.260 --> 00:40:36.570
simple and I made my profile on
there and I remember I had applied for
471
00:40:37.610 --> 00:40:44.130
some pretty at the time, big
positions I was not qualified to be applying
472
00:40:44.210 --> 00:40:50.159
for and kind of just shoot my
shot. And I remember it was it
473
00:40:50.280 --> 00:40:54.840
was midnight and I was on a
computer and I was as like I'm going
474
00:40:54.880 --> 00:41:00.480
to check teamwork online to to see, you know, if there's any new
475
00:41:00.679 --> 00:41:04.710
opportunities, and my girlfriend comes out
in the living room, you know,
476
00:41:04.789 --> 00:41:08.070
wondering why I'm still up and I'm
like just checking out new opportunities and she
477
00:41:08.190 --> 00:41:10.869
says, you know, is are
there any opportunities out there right now?
478
00:41:10.909 --> 00:41:14.349
And I was like, well,
it looks like there's one in Arizona,
479
00:41:15.389 --> 00:41:16.429
and she's the one that was like, well, pull it up, let's
480
00:41:16.429 --> 00:41:22.380
look at it. And so we
look at this opportunity for graphic design intern
481
00:41:22.380 --> 00:41:28.019
and Phoenix, Arizona, for the
diamondbacks, and and I go to close
482
00:41:28.059 --> 00:41:30.539
it. You know, I'm like, yeah, I'm in Los Angeles.
483
00:41:30.619 --> 00:41:32.690
How am I? So? I'm
in art school. How am I supposed
484
00:41:32.690 --> 00:41:36.809
to get there's no shot, I
have no background, I don't have a
485
00:41:36.889 --> 00:41:39.650
portfolio. Like what? I love
the Yankees. Yeah, I love the
486
00:41:39.690 --> 00:41:43.610
young. My Dad would kill me, like right, yeah, I suppose
487
00:41:43.849 --> 00:41:45.650
to do so she was like,
Hey, I think you should apply,
488
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:51.239
and I try to go to bed
without a Bot, without applying, and
489
00:41:51.320 --> 00:41:55.119
she made me apply for the position. So bless her heart because great,
490
00:41:55.280 --> 00:42:00.670
without knowing it, she sparked my
entire career. And so I did.
491
00:42:00.710 --> 00:42:05.710
I applied for the job, close
my computer and was like, I don't
492
00:42:05.750 --> 00:42:09.829
care if I don't hear anything back, because I don't expect to it to
493
00:42:09.949 --> 00:42:15.019
me. That was just like another
like Hail Mary. Yeah, sure.
494
00:42:16.260 --> 00:42:21.940
Two weeks later and get a call
from hr all right, email from hr
495
00:42:22.300 --> 00:42:24.619
and it's like hey, we got
your application. I want to set up
496
00:42:24.659 --> 00:42:30.210
a phone call. I stopped,
I was walking down the hallway into my
497
00:42:30.329 --> 00:42:35.250
house after school and I stopped there
and just kind of like looked around like
498
00:42:35.489 --> 00:42:38.210
is this reality for a second,
like do they get the right email?
499
00:42:38.369 --> 00:42:42.489
Did they say, Kyle, is
this? Is this, like, is
500
00:42:42.610 --> 00:42:51.559
this actually happening? And so that's
that's when this whole different life began,
501
00:42:51.880 --> 00:42:55.519
this opportunity to become someone into to
live out my dream was. was that
502
00:42:57.119 --> 00:43:00.269
that email? That that pushed to
a you know, apply for that position
503
00:43:00.349 --> 00:43:06.869
and taking that leap of faith going
to Los Angeles? Yea. So,
504
00:43:07.349 --> 00:43:12.389
so this starts the next chapter for
you and now you're in. Now you're
505
00:43:12.389 --> 00:43:21.900
in it, and being an intern
in professional sports is tough in certainly even
506
00:43:21.940 --> 00:43:23.860
back, and back then it was
it was different. You know, they
507
00:43:23.900 --> 00:43:30.090
were paid internships, but not all
internships were paid prior to or even some
508
00:43:30.289 --> 00:43:34.130
past and it was big for us
to make sure that you came in and
509
00:43:34.210 --> 00:43:37.610
got a great experience. Every intern
came in and got a great experience with
510
00:43:37.690 --> 00:43:42.320
us and and could learn, you
know, because this was something new for
511
00:43:42.440 --> 00:43:49.519
you coming coming through. How did
this this this first experience with the diamondbacks?
512
00:43:49.920 --> 00:43:52.440
Certainly I was there with you,
but it was quite a while,
513
00:43:52.920 --> 00:43:57.429
you know, AG and, and
we probably both have fuzzy memories from it.
514
00:43:57.750 --> 00:44:02.550
Yeah, it was. This was
which year was it again that you
515
00:44:02.630 --> 00:44:06.630
came? It was two thousand and
eleven. It was the big Ar Chee
516
00:44:07.429 --> 00:44:10.460
gave it a crazy time. That's
right. Oh Man, now it's all
517
00:44:10.500 --> 00:44:15.579
coming back to me. And in
we were hosting an Allstar game and we
518
00:44:15.739 --> 00:44:19.739
were, you know, we made
deep into the playoffs at that point.
519
00:44:20.739 --> 00:44:23.219
That was a crazy, crazy Yar. How did you handle it? Yeah,
520
00:44:23.369 --> 00:44:28.090
it was. It was crazy both
at the office and outside of the
521
00:44:28.130 --> 00:44:32.210
office. So two thousand and eleven
was, like we just mentioned, what
522
00:44:32.329 --> 00:44:39.440
started the next chapter for me,
because on a personal level I'm still fighting
523
00:44:39.559 --> 00:44:44.320
my demons, you know, with
anxiety and oh s D and, you
524
00:44:44.400 --> 00:44:49.079
know, a lot of problems,
with stuff from my childhood that I'm not
525
00:44:49.360 --> 00:44:58.150
processing. And when going through the
going through the process to get to Arizona,
526
00:44:58.230 --> 00:45:00.750
what a lot of people don't know, especially folks from the diamondbacks.
527
00:45:00.630 --> 00:45:04.389
I never shared these stories because you're
an intern, so you're like, I'm
528
00:45:04.469 --> 00:45:09.420
just thankful to be here. So
I actually sold an xbox in Compton,
529
00:45:09.500 --> 00:45:15.659
California to get a plane ticket to
fly out to my interview. Wow,
530
00:45:15.980 --> 00:45:20.380
that's a real story. What's cool, though, a little side story into
531
00:45:20.420 --> 00:45:22.969
that, is I was really scared
when I was down there. Again,
532
00:45:23.170 --> 00:45:27.809
from growing up in such a different
part of the world, you have these
533
00:45:27.889 --> 00:45:31.610
pre conceived ideas of what these areas
are and who these people are, which
534
00:45:31.610 --> 00:45:35.800
is exactly what our country is going
through right now. Sure, so I'm
535
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:38.199
glad I had a wakeup call at
such a young age living in Los Angeles
536
00:45:38.239 --> 00:45:43.719
and experiencing, you know, that
world for myself. But that day I
537
00:45:43.880 --> 00:45:51.110
remember meeting this individual and and him
bringing me into a liquor store to test
538
00:45:51.269 --> 00:45:53.710
out the xbox because his friend own
the liquor store. There's a TV in
539
00:45:53.710 --> 00:46:00.429
the background. So we walk into
the liquor store and his buddies playing Tony
540
00:46:00.469 --> 00:46:05.579
Hawk, Pro Skater on ice on
that on his playstation, and so I
541
00:46:05.739 --> 00:46:09.300
got the biggest sigh of relief in
that moment because I was like, oh,
542
00:46:09.300 --> 00:46:13.260
okay, instant in it way to
be cool with these guys. So
543
00:46:13.300 --> 00:46:15.380
I was like, Oh, you
guys like skateboarding? There like yeah,
544
00:46:15.380 --> 00:46:17.059
you like Skateboards, I guess get
all the time, like no way,
545
00:46:17.099 --> 00:46:20.769
and they had a skateboard and I
did some trick when they're like, oh,
546
00:46:20.889 --> 00:46:22.369
this is so cool and we're all
playing Tony Hawk and everything was fun.
547
00:46:24.530 --> 00:46:29.210
So anyways, boy, my xbox
paid for my ticket. Thank you
548
00:46:29.289 --> 00:46:34.119
to that guy. But I get
out there, I go through the interview
549
00:46:34.159 --> 00:46:38.960
process. That in itself is is
very intimidating for a twenty year old to
550
00:46:39.599 --> 00:46:45.039
be sitting in a room overlooking the
first base line in chase field, which
551
00:46:45.039 --> 00:46:49.510
is one of the most beautiful stadiums
my opinion, and Major League Baseball,
552
00:46:50.949 --> 00:46:54.429
you know, like the also one
of the cleanest cities at the time to
553
00:46:54.789 --> 00:47:00.579
write. So I'm like awestruck.
You know, I'm not supposed to be
554
00:47:00.780 --> 00:47:05.260
here. Who let me in this
building? Why? Why are these people
555
00:47:05.260 --> 00:47:08.099
talking to me? I like,
I'm not qualified for this internship. So
556
00:47:12.179 --> 00:47:14.699
that all went well. You know, I ended up getting the internship,
557
00:47:15.010 --> 00:47:22.210
but I moved myself across from Los
Angeles to Phoenix, load up the U
558
00:47:22.289 --> 00:47:24.650
haul, loaded up my car on
a trailer, drove my uhaul out to
559
00:47:24.730 --> 00:47:28.449
Phoenix my car fell off the trailer
in the middle of the desert at four
560
00:47:28.489 --> 00:47:32.280
am. When I got there it
was a hundred and something degrees. It
561
00:47:32.360 --> 00:47:36.920
was six PM and I had to
move my stuff up a couple flights of
562
00:47:36.920 --> 00:47:45.550
stairs by myself. So just the
whole process was super stressful and it was
563
00:47:45.590 --> 00:47:49.030
all worth it at the time because
I was like this is my dream,
564
00:47:49.269 --> 00:47:52.230
but like you're going to do everything, whatever it takes to, you know,
565
00:47:52.389 --> 00:47:58.309
be a part of of that chapter
of your life. So I get
566
00:47:58.389 --> 00:48:05.739
there. I remember my first day
again, waking up and and just feeling
567
00:48:05.820 --> 00:48:10.019
like this is this is so surreal. Again, it's not the Yankees,
568
00:48:12.619 --> 00:48:17.889
but at that point all teams are
equal in my eyes, because getting to
569
00:48:19.050 --> 00:48:23.769
work in the Front Office of Major
League sports is like like you were talking
570
00:48:23.769 --> 00:48:29.079
about in wheels episode. I mean
that's some of the funniest and most like
571
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:39.320
fulfilling environments you can be in as
a creative professional. And so I remember
572
00:48:39.360 --> 00:48:45.510
my first day. I remember walking
in meeting the team just thinking it's crazy
573
00:48:45.630 --> 00:48:47.949
that I'm parked in the garage and
I'm the I have a badge to go
574
00:48:49.070 --> 00:48:52.670
up and down the elevator and,
you know, I'm in these meetings with
575
00:48:52.750 --> 00:48:57.860
all these people and they're saying all
these fancy things that I don't understand and
576
00:48:58.579 --> 00:49:01.380
it was amazing. I mean I
was on cloud nine. At twenty years
577
00:49:01.380 --> 00:49:05.219
old. I was like this is
it, I don't care what happens after
578
00:49:05.260 --> 00:49:08.300
this. Like no one from my
town had done that to my knowledge.
579
00:49:08.300 --> 00:49:13.650
I didn't know anyone that worked in
national sports. I didn't know any designers
580
00:49:13.730 --> 00:49:16.809
that worked in professional sports. And
here I was a graphic design intern and
581
00:49:16.849 --> 00:49:22.530
professional sports, only three years after
I was standing out front of that school
582
00:49:22.530 --> 00:49:25.840
that morning thinking hey, I want
to be a designer and Major League baseball.
583
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:37.400
So that was pretty well how long
did the high of stepping into the
584
00:49:37.440 --> 00:49:44.590
stadium last year. It was a
very challenging environment to be in, not
585
00:49:44.750 --> 00:49:50.349
only as a professional but someone dealing
with a lot of personal demons and being
586
00:49:50.429 --> 00:49:54.699
super young. So I'm brand new
to being a professional in general, and
587
00:49:57.099 --> 00:49:59.699
you know to that real quick.
You know not to on the nose.
588
00:49:59.739 --> 00:50:04.820
But it was people like yourself,
Boyd Dustin Pain, who I interacted with
589
00:50:05.219 --> 00:50:12.289
on a daily basis, who really
like showed me that you can have fun
590
00:50:12.289 --> 00:50:15.530
and be a professional at the same
time and how to respect this. You
591
00:50:15.610 --> 00:50:22.159
know, the sport and the athletes, and had it not been for you
592
00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:25.320
guys, you know in in the
surrounding offices next to me, I would
593
00:50:25.320 --> 00:50:30.519
have had a much different experience.
And so you know, it's interesting now
594
00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:37.469
to come full circle and find out
that, although you and I were at
595
00:50:37.550 --> 00:50:40.230
the complete opposite ends of the spectrum
in terms of, you know, the
596
00:50:40.309 --> 00:50:49.309
ladder of the sports world, we
were both in very much of a similar
597
00:50:49.349 --> 00:50:52.460
position, yeah, when it came
to what was going on our personal lives
598
00:50:52.539 --> 00:50:58.579
and then how we were, you
know, although different tasks, having to
599
00:50:58.699 --> 00:51:02.860
fight through that every day to do
our jobs. You know. Also,
600
00:51:04.179 --> 00:51:09.650
big thank you too to Zach,
for he played a big role in my
601
00:51:09.809 --> 00:51:15.449
time there and was a big help
as well, especially transitioning out of the
602
00:51:15.570 --> 00:51:20.559
diamondbacks internship, because we did make
the playoffs, I did not have my
603
00:51:20.800 --> 00:51:22.840
condo and I did have to live
with Zach, which I don't think a
604
00:51:22.880 --> 00:51:28.079
lot of people who either. So
it's awesome, which was an experience in
605
00:51:28.159 --> 00:51:32.150
and of itself. Sure, you
had a great experience. We had a
606
00:51:32.230 --> 00:51:37.670
lot of fun. Yeah, and
and and then in October the internship comes
607
00:51:37.710 --> 00:51:44.909
to an end. You go on
to then work for Anthony. Mean,
608
00:51:45.230 --> 00:51:49.619
you know, it's foundation moved.
You moved out to Ohio and then it
609
00:51:49.699 --> 00:51:52.699
kind of had a little a little
stint where you went from Ohio to Maryland
610
00:51:52.739 --> 00:51:55.539
and then all the way back to
the west coast. What stuck out to
611
00:51:55.579 --> 00:52:00.900
you in that time as you would
kind of created this, you know you
612
00:52:00.730 --> 00:52:05.130
you would done it right. You'd
maybe had had had, like a lot
613
00:52:05.170 --> 00:52:09.050
of us thought had peaked during my
internship. How do you you'll, howd
614
00:52:09.050 --> 00:52:14.489
you feel leaving? Moving on to
a couple of these other positions. Yeah,
615
00:52:14.489 --> 00:52:19.079
I remember applying for the Anthony Muno's
position again, just an internship on
616
00:52:19.199 --> 00:52:22.199
a marketing team and it was doing
a lot of his event stuff. So
617
00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:25.000
he does a lot of events in
the community. Really Cool Guy, really
618
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:30.469
humble guy, really tall guy.
I don't know if anyone's ever met this
619
00:52:30.550 --> 00:52:34.150
man in person, but when he
shook my hand I'm pretty sure his fingers
620
00:52:34.190 --> 00:52:39.429
touched my elbow. So his chair
looks like a throne to me. I'm
621
00:52:39.510 --> 00:52:45.579
five six for reference. So Anthony
Mun I was is a large man,
622
00:52:45.099 --> 00:52:51.619
but it was it was a really
fun time getting to work with a hall
623
00:52:51.659 --> 00:52:53.380
of Famer. That was a whole
different experience. You know, outside of
624
00:52:53.420 --> 00:52:58.500
a major league sports setting, you're
not, you know, at a stadium,
625
00:52:58.610 --> 00:53:04.969
you're not working hours towards you know, homestands or special, you know,
626
00:53:05.329 --> 00:53:08.050
events like postseason and all star any
of that stuff. It was much
627
00:53:08.050 --> 00:53:17.480
more event driven Galas. But you
know again, at the same time there
628
00:53:17.599 --> 00:53:23.559
is more to be desired on my
end coming out of the diamondbacks because,
629
00:53:23.599 --> 00:53:28.590
although that was it was just a
summer internship. So I knew eventually that
630
00:53:28.750 --> 00:53:31.030
had to end. There wasn't going
to be a job opportunity. It's a
631
00:53:31.070 --> 00:53:36.110
nonprofit what not. It was not
that the route I was looking to take
632
00:53:36.269 --> 00:53:40.619
my career in. And all the
while I'm trying to balance school. I
633
00:53:40.659 --> 00:53:45.139
should probably mention I'm going to college
at the art institute, trying to finish
634
00:53:45.179 --> 00:53:51.659
my degree so someone can actually pay
me and get back into sports. And
635
00:53:53.539 --> 00:53:59.170
I remember applying for a few sports
jobs. Never got a call back.
636
00:54:00.889 --> 00:54:07.409
And there was towards the very end
of my time at the art institute in
637
00:54:07.090 --> 00:54:15.199
Ohio. We are getting ready for
our portfolio show, which there's always problems.
638
00:54:15.280 --> 00:54:19.880
There's always these promises from these private
schools that all these companies are going
639
00:54:19.880 --> 00:54:23.550
to show up to your portfolio review, but they don't write, especially in
640
00:54:23.710 --> 00:54:29.750
Cincinnati Ohio. Let's just be honest. It's not Los Angeles or San Francisco.
641
00:54:30.389 --> 00:54:34.909
No one cares about a sports designer
at the art institute in Ohio,
642
00:54:34.989 --> 00:54:38.900
and so I had like invited the
reds, I think, and like no,
643
00:54:39.300 --> 00:54:45.940
no one showed up, which I
didn't expect them to. But yeah,
644
00:54:45.019 --> 00:54:52.139
so we're getting ready for portfolio show
and I had gotten a call from
645
00:54:52.420 --> 00:54:58.650
the Phoenix Suns, which, again, a lot of a lot of my
646
00:54:58.730 --> 00:55:06.489
fellow sports colleagues weren't aware of,
but I it was between the Phoenix Suns
647
00:55:06.530 --> 00:55:14.239
and cal Ripkin Baseball, and in
my head at the time I was like,
648
00:55:14.360 --> 00:55:16.840
well, I already did the Arizona
thing. You know, I'm in
649
00:55:16.960 --> 00:55:22.429
Ohio. My goal is to work
for the Yankees. Baltimore's close to New
650
00:55:22.469 --> 00:55:28.750
York, which is where CAL Ripkin
is obviously from, you know, spent
651
00:55:28.909 --> 00:55:34.989
the majority of his career and formed
his business. So I chose ripken baseball
652
00:55:37.059 --> 00:55:40.340
and I think at this time,
you know, if I'm thinking back and
653
00:55:40.699 --> 00:55:46.900
trying to remember like how I'm feeling
internally, I remember having really bad anxiety
654
00:55:47.460 --> 00:55:55.010
in Cincinnati. I can't point to
any triggers, I don't know what it
655
00:55:55.250 --> 00:56:00.210
was, but I do remember my
time in Cincinnati my anxiety being significantly worse
656
00:56:00.250 --> 00:56:05.760
than than that of my time in
Arizona, which actually says a lot because
657
00:56:07.480 --> 00:56:12.000
you know when I was in Arizona, actually lost my best friend. Well,
658
00:56:12.039 --> 00:56:14.880
he was diagnosed at the time.
I lost him a year later,
659
00:56:15.480 --> 00:56:20.670
but he was diagnosed with cancer,
and so I was that was another thing
660
00:56:20.710 --> 00:56:23.030
I was having to go through.
An Arizona, you know, not talk
661
00:56:23.070 --> 00:56:28.070
about but just kind of keep my
head down and do my job. Was
662
00:56:28.469 --> 00:56:34.780
My best friend was, you know, nine hours away battling cancer and I
663
00:56:34.820 --> 00:56:37.699
couldn't be there for him. So
that was tough. And when I when
664
00:56:37.739 --> 00:56:42.139
I was in Ohio, is actually
when when we lost him, unfortunately,
665
00:56:42.260 --> 00:56:49.730
to to his cancer. So again
I wasn't home for that. I actually
666
00:56:51.050 --> 00:56:54.769
had to pull off another amazing feet
just to get home for his memorial.
667
00:56:57.929 --> 00:57:07.199
And a month before that another one
of my friends had passed away unexpectedly as
668
00:57:07.280 --> 00:57:16.829
well. So my last couple months
in Ohio were very difficult and I did
669
00:57:16.949 --> 00:57:24.389
fly home for those memorials. But
going back to Ohio to finish the last,
670
00:57:24.510 --> 00:57:29.429
you know, month of my school
and I had at this time accepted
671
00:57:29.550 --> 00:57:35.860
the position with CAL ripken junior and
his organization. I knew I was moving
672
00:57:35.860 --> 00:57:39.300
even farther away from home. I
knew my anxiety was tough. I remember
673
00:57:39.340 --> 00:57:44.530
that six hour flight from lax to
to what was it Bwi or something?
674
00:57:45.690 --> 00:57:52.210
That was cue. That was excruciating
for me to go through. I remember
675
00:57:52.250 --> 00:57:57.849
having the worst panic attack on that
flight. I don't fly to this day
676
00:57:58.210 --> 00:58:04.519
because of that flight. Mostly happened, I just I had a breakdown on
677
00:58:04.599 --> 00:58:09.480
the flight. I had so much
going on in my head, in my
678
00:58:09.639 --> 00:58:15.429
life, so much pressure I'm putting
on myself, you know, trying to
679
00:58:15.469 --> 00:58:22.789
throw myself into this like huge entertainment
industry which had under you know, unsuspecting
680
00:58:22.989 --> 00:58:25.670
outcomes, like I didn't know what
was going to happen, where I was
681
00:58:25.750 --> 00:58:34.340
going to end up and going to
another unfamiliar place. My car had also
682
00:58:35.139 --> 00:58:39.139
died in Baltimore, all in Ohio
and I had to buy my first car.
683
00:58:39.380 --> 00:58:45.809
Had to buy my first car in
order to move some of my stuff
684
00:58:45.809 --> 00:58:50.809
out there, and so on that
flight I think it all just kind of
685
00:58:50.849 --> 00:58:57.039
came to a head and yeah,
I had a pretty bad panic attack and
686
00:58:58.440 --> 00:59:02.440
that stuck with me. With my
time in Baltimore, I started to live
687
00:59:02.519 --> 00:59:07.960
my life a little bit more out
of avoidance, while still trying to be
688
00:59:07.159 --> 00:59:14.269
there, be present and soak up
the experience for what it was. I
689
00:59:14.349 --> 00:59:15.750
don't want, I don't want to
discount. I don't want to skip over
690
00:59:15.829 --> 00:59:21.230
the fact of like the dream it
was to work for Col ripken junior.
691
00:59:22.150 --> 00:59:24.940
I mean I can't stay enough about
that. That man, like he's a
692
00:59:24.980 --> 00:59:31.460
sweetest man you'll ever meet. His
eyes, by the way, like I
693
00:59:31.500 --> 00:59:36.460
don't know if anyone's looked into cal
ripken junior's eyes, but they're like like
694
00:59:37.500 --> 00:59:44.449
like a tropical destination blue as I
are unreal to look into that man's eyes.
695
00:59:45.329 --> 00:59:51.250
And he's just the coolest guy and
like the most like peaceful do to
696
00:59:51.329 --> 00:59:57.239
be around. And so it was
a really cool working environment for at least
697
00:59:57.239 --> 00:59:59.280
what I was going through, you
know, especially with my anxiety. Like
698
00:60:00.679 --> 00:60:04.079
he made that place feel like a
home, like it was his family.
699
00:60:04.159 --> 00:60:10.349
Everybody had a part in everything,
everybody did everything together. Is a small
700
00:60:10.429 --> 00:60:15.150
team working on all like five of
his entities that were under ripken baseball.
701
00:60:17.110 --> 00:60:24.699
But at the time I did some
stuff for the youth, the youth subset
702
00:60:24.780 --> 00:60:30.980
of ripken baseball, for like ripken
world series and stuff like that, but
703
00:60:31.260 --> 00:60:36.130
my main focus there was the Aberdeen
Iron Birds, which was the single a
704
00:60:36.210 --> 00:60:38.329
affiliate at the time for the Baltimore
Orioles. I'm not sure if they still
705
00:60:38.369 --> 00:60:50.039
are not, but that was that
was a pretty challenging undertaking for me as
706
00:60:50.119 --> 00:60:53.960
well. It was my the first
time anyone's ever a pay me a salary
707
00:60:57.079 --> 00:61:01.679
to design for sports. But also, you know, I'm doing it in
708
00:61:01.719 --> 00:61:07.670
front of Calipken Junior, which is
daunting, and a kind of just gave
709
00:61:07.750 --> 00:61:12.510
me the Aberdeen Iron Birds and said
go for it, you know, and
710
00:61:13.070 --> 00:61:17.619
that was like again, like what, who's letting me do this? Why
711
00:61:17.739 --> 00:61:22.219
is this okay? Of course I
had, you know, a supervisor,
712
00:61:22.699 --> 00:61:29.539
graphic design director, who made sure
I was doing everything okay, but it
713
00:61:29.699 --> 00:61:32.489
was still like the first like independent
side I've been given and that was crazy.
714
00:61:34.170 --> 00:61:57.119
That was a wild experience for sure. So you're struggling, but you're
715
00:61:57.119 --> 00:62:02.269
also again in sports, you know, and you designing what you you're still
716
00:62:02.309 --> 00:62:08.150
kind of pinching yourself that you're getting
able to design it at this point for
717
00:62:08.269 --> 00:62:15.190
cal rip junior, right. I
mean absolute icon and Legend in baseball.
718
00:62:15.820 --> 00:62:22.940
That comes to an end and and
and then again you're you. You had
719
00:62:22.019 --> 00:62:27.099
over back to the west coast.
Tell us a little bit about that move
720
00:62:27.300 --> 00:62:31.969
and what prompted the chance to go
work in the NFL. Yeah, so,
721
00:62:34.809 --> 00:62:37.250
like you said, getting to work
for some like CALP and junior was,
722
00:62:38.010 --> 00:62:43.889
you know, a dream come true
for sure. Getting to hang out
723
00:62:43.929 --> 00:62:45.920
in that environment and be a part
of that environment and contribute to that environment
724
00:62:47.719 --> 00:62:52.639
was and still is, such like
a point of pride for me in my
725
00:62:52.760 --> 00:62:59.429
career. And it was really hard
to leave Baltimore because I knew I was
726
00:62:59.510 --> 00:63:07.230
coming home and I was getting farther
from New York. Right that wasn't going
727
00:63:07.269 --> 00:63:13.940
to be realistic at the time,
and so I came home for a couple
728
00:63:13.980 --> 00:63:15.219
different reasons, but I just felt
like it was time for me to be
729
00:63:15.340 --> 00:63:21.539
home. Friends were getting married,
people were having babies. I was entering
730
00:63:21.619 --> 00:63:27.769
that time in my life. And
so I get home, living with mom
731
00:63:27.929 --> 00:63:32.889
this time again like these highs and
lows. I feel like a comedian chasing
732
00:63:32.969 --> 00:63:37.849
my dream, you know, couch
surfing, you know on my parent my
733
00:63:37.929 --> 00:63:45.639
parents house, while just having,
you know, had these these wild experiences.
734
00:63:47.320 --> 00:63:53.840
I took a like a just a
regular job in graphic design here and
735
00:63:54.400 --> 00:64:02.869
doing production work for a Web site, and it was tough. It was
736
00:64:02.949 --> 00:64:11.539
a shock to my a ego.
It humbled the shit out of me because
737
00:64:11.539 --> 00:64:15.579
it was not a good environment.
Had nothing to do with sports. No
738
00:64:15.699 --> 00:64:19.579
one gave a shit about anything I
had just accomplished. It wasn't relevant at
739
00:64:19.619 --> 00:64:30.250
all and I was super unhappy.
It's very unhappy. And the ers thing,
740
00:64:30.369 --> 00:64:35.170
man, I'll I'll circle back to
this, but, like my whole
741
00:64:35.210 --> 00:64:42.559
career has been luck and it's preparation
usually and luck. But in my case
742
00:64:42.599 --> 00:64:45.639
it's just luck, SMO, like
people say that to me all the time.
743
00:64:45.719 --> 00:64:49.039
No, Kyle, it's preparation meets
opportunity, and it's like, HMM,
744
00:64:49.320 --> 00:64:54.070
no, like it was a look, I didn't do anything to deserve
745
00:64:54.150 --> 00:65:00.750
these, all these opportunities. So
I remember sitting at my desk at this
746
00:65:00.829 --> 00:65:05.469
job and I'm on my phone on
on teamwork online and I'm like someone post
747
00:65:05.550 --> 00:65:12.099
a job? Yeah, and I
see the post an internship and it was
748
00:65:12.179 --> 00:65:14.500
posted like a week ago. So
I was like, Oh, no,
749
00:65:15.539 --> 00:65:19.059
anyone that knows anything about applying for
jobs at sports is people line up around
750
00:65:19.059 --> 00:65:23.250
the corner for these positions. So
if you don't you know there's thousands of
751
00:65:23.289 --> 00:65:29.809
applications. So if you don't make
it within the first day, like unless
752
00:65:29.849 --> 00:65:33.409
you have connections into sports or you
have an amazing background, which you I
753
00:65:33.530 --> 00:65:39.000
really hadn't yet because I had just
been an intern it was really hard to
754
00:65:39.079 --> 00:65:48.519
get noticed. So I I grew
up a hail Mary and I messaged the
755
00:65:48.639 --> 00:65:55.469
creative manager on Linkedin and I was
like hey, man, I know I'm
756
00:65:55.550 --> 00:65:58.309
super late to the party, but
like, I really want to work there.
757
00:65:59.750 --> 00:66:01.469
You know, I'd be a dream
job. I hope you consider my
758
00:66:01.550 --> 00:66:08.739
application, you know, and sure
enough he got back to me and said
759
00:66:08.739 --> 00:66:12.579
that he was going to be giving
me a call. So I threw up
760
00:66:12.619 --> 00:66:16.059
that Hail Mary again. Luck that
he even responded to my linkedin message,
761
00:66:16.059 --> 00:66:20.010
because who knows how many he gets
to those a day, and I ended
762
00:66:20.050 --> 00:66:27.329
up getting the job in San Francisco. So I packed up everything once again.
763
00:66:28.130 --> 00:66:32.639
I remember buying a computer when I
was living at my mom's house just
764
00:66:32.840 --> 00:66:40.719
to do the design test, and
thank God that we were able to make
765
00:66:40.760 --> 00:66:46.469
that happen, because San Francisco ended
up being, man, such like a
766
00:66:47.150 --> 00:66:51.949
dream come true for me, even
though as an internship, and I was
767
00:66:53.110 --> 00:66:56.789
taking you know, I just come
off another high of like someone finally paying
768
00:66:56.829 --> 00:67:00.909
me a salary right right, you
know, feeling a little bit more established
769
00:67:00.909 --> 00:67:02.980
as a professional, feeling like maybe
I had a little bit more found atition
770
00:67:03.019 --> 00:67:08.739
underneath me to you know, spring
my career. Sure, it was definitely
771
00:67:08.780 --> 00:67:13.019
humbling to go back to being an
intern, being a twenty four year old
772
00:67:13.059 --> 00:67:18.329
intern, you know, but I
mean same situation. When I went to
773
00:67:18.329 --> 00:67:24.130
Arizona, all like this crazy,
exciting, cool stuff happened for the team
774
00:67:24.210 --> 00:67:28.610
and for myself, and the same
thing happened in San Francisco. I came
775
00:67:28.690 --> 00:67:31.559
there at a time when, you
know, we lost the Super Bowl and
776
00:67:31.760 --> 00:67:34.079
well, I think it was like
two thousand and twelve to the Ravens,
777
00:67:36.760 --> 00:67:42.320
and then two thousand and thirteen,
you know, is that's when I started.
778
00:67:42.360 --> 00:67:45.269
There was two thousand and thirteen into
the two thousand and fourteen season.
779
00:67:46.110 --> 00:67:54.110
Colin Kaepernick was the quarterback who led
us to another playoff season. So I
780
00:67:54.190 --> 00:67:59.380
got to experience that. I got
to experience tearing down candlestick. So doing
781
00:67:59.420 --> 00:68:04.780
the farewell candlestick campaign, which was
so cool, so cool to be part
782
00:68:04.820 --> 00:68:11.019
of such like a historic place,
like getting to be there on the field
783
00:68:11.019 --> 00:68:15.809
every Sunday, working with the photographers, getting to be in that environment and
784
00:68:15.889 --> 00:68:17.850
now everything that's happened there and then
getting to be a part of the campaign.
785
00:68:17.890 --> 00:68:24.729
That's like bidding this place farewell from
all of those legendary moments whether it
786
00:68:25.050 --> 00:68:28.880
was, you know, the giants, thes whatever team, you know,
787
00:68:30.079 --> 00:68:35.319
and getting to be a part of
the new era of the forty niners and
788
00:68:35.399 --> 00:68:39.960
LE B stadium. So while I
was there, that was the focus.
789
00:68:40.239 --> 00:68:45.789
You know, not only running daytoday, you know, designs for our you
790
00:68:45.869 --> 00:68:47.350
know, our team wasn't only,
you know, just doing daytoday stuff,
791
00:68:47.390 --> 00:68:54.789
but we are also the only team
we didn't have an outside agency doing the
792
00:68:55.149 --> 00:68:59.859
stadium stuff. So we had by
sports in the arts that we're doing,
793
00:68:59.939 --> 00:69:01.619
like the museum and some of that
stuff, but you know, we are
794
00:69:01.659 --> 00:69:08.100
doing the wayfinding and all of the
concessions and the partnership booths, and I
795
00:69:08.260 --> 00:69:13.210
mean everything from the ground up.
I mean our team killed it, the
796
00:69:13.329 --> 00:69:18.770
hours that those guys put in,
guys and girls, both on our team,
797
00:69:19.609 --> 00:69:26.199
everybody on that team, the whole
marketing team. I mean they showed
798
00:69:26.439 --> 00:69:30.079
what it takes to succeed in that
type of environment and to be a part
799
00:69:30.119 --> 00:69:34.560
of something like that, like what
it takes as a professional. And so
800
00:69:35.239 --> 00:69:40.550
not only was it like really rewarding
for me as like a step in my
801
00:69:40.670 --> 00:69:45.189
career, but to have those experiences
that a lot of people that work in
802
00:69:45.229 --> 00:69:51.550
sports will never get to experience and
to be a part of, you know,
803
00:69:53.539 --> 00:69:56.899
that teams, that specific team.
I mean it was just like in
804
00:69:57.020 --> 00:70:00.739
Arizona. You know, it's hard
to find that other places. Again,
805
00:70:00.899 --> 00:70:03.100
somehow, luckily, I was able
to wind up in a team that felt
806
00:70:04.420 --> 00:70:09.529
like everyone like genuinely cared about each
other. Everyone was trying to help each
807
00:70:09.529 --> 00:70:13.729
other succeed, and I mean those
those people are just great people. That
808
00:70:14.210 --> 00:70:17.890
really help shaped, like hope to
shape me as a designer, me as
809
00:70:17.890 --> 00:70:24.800
a professional and me as an individual, because I still keep in contact with
810
00:70:24.920 --> 00:70:30.359
some of those people and those those
relationships. I think we're priceless, just
811
00:70:30.520 --> 00:70:38.390
like Arizona and in Ohio. So
so then lasted, you know, about
812
00:70:38.390 --> 00:70:42.590
a year in the internship, as
they as they tend to and then you
813
00:70:42.670 --> 00:70:50.899
you are faced again with kind of
what do I do in so where did
814
00:70:50.899 --> 00:70:55.739
your life take you after that?
Yeah, so that's an interesting transition my
815
00:70:55.899 --> 00:71:02.619
time out of San Francisco, because
my last day was actually the ERS opening
816
00:71:02.819 --> 00:71:11.569
gala for Levi Stadium. I flew, or I drove my dad out to
817
00:71:13.449 --> 00:71:18.039
experience that day with me. Is
Employees and players. Only John Legend performed.
818
00:71:18.279 --> 00:71:25.359
I mean the stadium was wide open
for everyone to explore. And it
819
00:71:25.520 --> 00:71:30.640
was black tie. I mean it
was a surreal, very surreal experience and
820
00:71:30.840 --> 00:71:33.670
I was so stoked to show my
family. is super bitter sweet leaving on
821
00:71:33.789 --> 00:71:39.909
that day. I'm going to be
being pretty emotional. What a lot of
822
00:71:39.989 --> 00:71:43.189
people before I'd transition into where I
went after that. What a lot of
823
00:71:43.229 --> 00:71:45.189
people don't realize is also what was
going on behind the scenes of my personal
824
00:71:45.270 --> 00:71:49.020
life in San Francisco's you know,
I was in that I was in a
825
00:71:49.060 --> 00:71:55.380
relationship. My girlfriend lived here in
San Luis Obispo and I was driving back
826
00:71:55.380 --> 00:72:00.020
and forth every weekend. So I
was leaving the stadium at like six o'clock
827
00:72:00.020 --> 00:72:04.529
at night on Fridays and leaving her
house at four am from San Luis Obispo
828
00:72:04.609 --> 00:72:10.890
and driving straight to the stadium and
Santa Clara, and you know, a
829
00:72:11.010 --> 00:72:13.970
lot of me just wanted to be
here with her. So there's a lot
830
00:72:13.970 --> 00:72:19.720
of pressure for that and I was
also putting a lot of pressure on myself
831
00:72:19.720 --> 00:72:26.600
when I was in San Francisco because
it's the freakings like, if not the
832
00:72:26.640 --> 00:72:30.670
Yankees, the forts is a dream
job for me right and I let that
833
00:72:30.909 --> 00:72:40.350
overshadow being present is during my time
there. There is a lot going on.
834
00:72:40.630 --> 00:72:46.020
So I'll give myself some grace there. But I also, like was
835
00:72:46.100 --> 00:72:50.220
in socializing as much as I should
because my anxiety was so bad. So,
836
00:72:50.380 --> 00:72:54.739
like to them I was just saying
like, oh no, I don't
837
00:72:54.739 --> 00:72:56.899
want to go out to launch rot, I don't want to go here,
838
00:72:57.380 --> 00:73:00.569
and I kind of came off as
like this like party pooper intern, you
839
00:73:00.649 --> 00:73:02.729
know, and it it was really
hard for me because inside I just want
840
00:73:02.729 --> 00:73:05.569
to be like no, guys,
like I'm going to have a freaking anxiety
841
00:73:05.569 --> 00:73:09.409
attack there and it's embarrassing and it's
painful and I don't want to go through
842
00:73:09.409 --> 00:73:14.600
that in front of you guys.
But I couldn't because, again, there
843
00:73:14.680 --> 00:73:16.560
was such like this stigma that I
was like just keep your mouth shut,
844
00:73:16.640 --> 00:73:20.479
keep your head down, like who
cares what anyone else thinks, like,
845
00:73:20.880 --> 00:73:26.439
if you have to go home,
just go home. So it was,
846
00:73:26.640 --> 00:73:30.149
it was. It was a roller
coaster for me on my personal journey when
847
00:73:30.149 --> 00:73:34.630
I was there, especially with the
relationship back home, doing all that commuting.
848
00:73:35.069 --> 00:73:39.750
Also lived in Gilroy, California,
which is in traffic an hour and
849
00:73:39.750 --> 00:73:43.939
a half each way to stadium,
so it was a it was a lot.
850
00:73:44.100 --> 00:73:46.380
It was a grind for sure for
me but, like you said,
851
00:73:46.380 --> 00:73:51.460
it was it was a year internship. My internship had had ended and I
852
00:73:51.500 --> 00:73:56.930
was kind of just floating around.
I was still there, which was awesome.
853
00:73:56.970 --> 00:73:59.529
I mean that was a compliment to
me. I took you as a
854
00:73:59.569 --> 00:74:03.210
compliment. You know, they allowed
me to hang around longer than I should
855
00:74:03.210 --> 00:74:08.729
have been and I was thankful for
that. But, you know, I
856
00:74:08.770 --> 00:74:12.079
knew that something else was next.
I knew I wasn't going to be offered
857
00:74:12.079 --> 00:74:17.279
a fulltime position and I saw where
design was going at this time. So
858
00:74:18.319 --> 00:74:24.550
I was at when I was at
the forty niners, we created a product
859
00:74:24.710 --> 00:74:29.909
called venue next, which is,
yeah, so for a lot of people
860
00:74:30.869 --> 00:74:38.659
who aren't familiar with that, it's
a APP for in game experience and it's
861
00:74:38.699 --> 00:74:41.659
a it was a white label product
that was turned around in license to a
862
00:74:41.699 --> 00:74:45.739
bunch of major league teams in different
sports and is now even going beyond sports,
863
00:74:45.739 --> 00:74:50.500
which I think is super cool.
So I saw because of that,
864
00:74:50.539 --> 00:75:00.729
I saw that design didn't have to
stay within the confines of print and digital
865
00:75:00.810 --> 00:75:10.800
media inside of an organization, that
design was going tech and now this world
866
00:75:10.800 --> 00:75:15.039
obviously existed before I was aware of
it, but there was this huge push
867
00:75:15.159 --> 00:75:20.000
now for product design. It wasn't
called product design yet, but it was
868
00:75:20.119 --> 00:75:26.550
prop design, U X and UI. And so, leaving San Francisco,
869
00:75:26.630 --> 00:75:30.029
I said, okay, you know, I've done the sports things for a
870
00:75:30.069 --> 00:75:32.550
while, I'm going to come home. I'm going to really focus my energy
871
00:75:32.630 --> 00:75:35.380
on the relationships with my family and
friends and my girlfriend at the time,
872
00:75:35.979 --> 00:75:39.899
who I hadn't seen. You know, I've been putting my career first for
873
00:75:39.939 --> 00:75:45.220
a long time and just wanted to
focus on those relationships and then, you
874
00:75:45.340 --> 00:75:53.210
know, see what else I can
do in design. So I got connected
875
00:75:53.329 --> 00:75:58.489
to a digital agency here in San
Luis Obispo, called halfway, and I
876
00:75:58.569 --> 00:76:02.210
knew some of them from skateboarding,
from church, just from growing up in
877
00:76:02.250 --> 00:76:09.039
a small town, and I was
familiar with the work that they're doing and
878
00:76:09.439 --> 00:76:15.319
they had an opening and that's that's
where I ended up taking my career.
879
00:76:15.520 --> 00:76:23.069
Was was going into the mobile world
and and Web Responsive Web design world,
880
00:76:25.029 --> 00:76:30.989
and it was probably the hardest transition
I've made as a professional since that time
881
00:76:31.109 --> 00:76:35.380
of walking into the diamondbacks facility for
the first time, going from being like
882
00:76:35.460 --> 00:76:41.020
a dirty skater kid to a professional, and then going from being a sports
883
00:76:41.060 --> 00:76:50.890
designer to trying to somehow playoff that
I belong in this world of websites and
884
00:76:51.329 --> 00:77:00.970
an application. So I had that
same imposter syndrome sitting in that interview,
885
00:77:02.000 --> 00:77:08.319
despite knowing some of the people.
I walk in and I'm sitting in there
886
00:77:08.399 --> 00:77:11.960
and I'm I'm looking around again.
It's completely different environment. But teach their
887
00:77:12.000 --> 00:77:17.029
own like their special environments. It's
a digital agency, you know. You
888
00:77:17.189 --> 00:77:23.270
there's bean bags and scooters and fully
stocked refrigerators and Ping Pong tables and everyone's
889
00:77:23.310 --> 00:77:29.829
super happy for no reason and it's
just like it's just that type of arm
890
00:77:29.909 --> 00:77:30.979
and so I'm going like what am
I doing here? I don't belong here,
891
00:77:32.899 --> 00:77:36.619
and the one of the guys walks
in, one of the project managers
892
00:77:36.659 --> 00:77:41.859
walks in. He goes he's wearing
a San Francisco giants hat and he goes,
893
00:77:43.180 --> 00:77:46.010
so, I heard you work for
as I was like yes, sir,
894
00:77:46.050 --> 00:77:48.729
I did, and he goes,
well, we love you already,
895
00:77:48.850 --> 00:77:51.770
and I was like cool, this
is. That just took so much weight
896
00:77:51.810 --> 00:77:58.090
off my shoulders. So if it
had not been for my time in Arizona,
897
00:77:58.569 --> 00:78:01.399
my time in Baltimore, my time
in Ohio and my Tom in San
898
00:78:01.439 --> 00:78:05.840
Francisco, I would not have landed
this job because I again, I think
899
00:78:05.880 --> 00:78:11.079
it was luck with the people who
are there who are huge San Francisco fans,
900
00:78:11.119 --> 00:78:14.430
whether it's a Johnson Forty niners,
the owners of the company had season
901
00:78:14.550 --> 00:78:18.350
forty nine or tickets. You know, I don't want to discount my abilities,
902
00:78:18.390 --> 00:78:24.270
but I also think that my,
my previous luck had something to do
903
00:78:24.390 --> 00:78:30.140
with somehow, you know, being
allowed to design applications and website. So
904
00:78:30.619 --> 00:78:34.979
that was that was the next chapter
was diving into this whole new digital world.
905
00:78:46.449 --> 00:78:49.689
As you as you go, you
make this transition. You're now jumping
906
00:78:50.369 --> 00:78:55.329
ship from sports, it's what you've
known as what you've done, to an
907
00:78:55.369 --> 00:79:01.800
agency life. How was the as
the hours difference? How was the taxing
908
00:79:02.000 --> 00:79:05.800
on your, you know, not
only your physical wellbeing but your mental wellbeing?
909
00:79:06.960 --> 00:79:12.189
That's a great question. In terms
of hours, I challenge anyone who's
910
00:79:12.189 --> 00:79:15.430
worked in sports to go work for
a digital agency and then complain about working
911
00:79:15.470 --> 00:79:23.189
in sports, because the hours are
much more demanding. You you don't stop
912
00:79:23.310 --> 00:79:29.779
working in a digital agency. Your
slack is going off at midnight. You're
913
00:79:29.819 --> 00:79:34.539
flying all over the place or driving
all over the place trying to cater to
914
00:79:34.579 --> 00:79:41.250
these clients and the I mean this
speed, the the process of product design,
915
00:79:41.409 --> 00:79:45.609
design in and of itself is meant
to be faster than that of marketing
916
00:79:45.689 --> 00:79:50.729
design. So I mean that plays
a big part in it, but it
917
00:79:51.090 --> 00:80:00.039
was a whole nother level in terms
of hustling. I can tell you I
918
00:80:00.239 --> 00:80:04.000
started off as a visual designer,
so that would be the like like like
919
00:80:04.600 --> 00:80:11.630
into to a graphic designer, which
is like entry level, and these terms
920
00:80:11.630 --> 00:80:16.390
change over. They always change.
I'm still not sure what so like the
921
00:80:16.430 --> 00:80:21.699
difference between some of these job titles
are. I just read the description.
922
00:80:21.779 --> 00:80:24.699
I'm like, yes, I can
do that, just just hire me.
923
00:80:26.539 --> 00:80:30.020
But yeah, I start as a
visual designer doing some of their marking stuff
924
00:80:30.060 --> 00:80:34.180
because that was in my background,
but also juggling a lot of web and
925
00:80:34.420 --> 00:80:41.050
mobile APP work, and then I
was promoted to senior designer there. I
926
00:80:41.090 --> 00:80:45.409
spend about three and a half years. They're worked on about sixty five client
927
00:80:45.529 --> 00:80:48.409
projects. Did a lot of mobile
work. Mobile was my focus and it's
928
00:80:48.449 --> 00:80:54.920
still it still really is. And
I got to do some sports design while
929
00:80:54.920 --> 00:80:57.920
I was there, so that was
cool. But I mean, overall,
930
00:80:58.079 --> 00:81:03.869
just the the WORKLOADE, the time, dedication, the absence of worklife balance,
931
00:81:03.989 --> 00:81:09.869
although you know that's what's that's the
goal. So it's not like they're
932
00:81:09.869 --> 00:81:14.829
intending to to inhibit your worklife balance. It's not. It's not anyone's doing.
933
00:81:14.909 --> 00:81:17.979
It's just that the reality of that, that environment, that type of
934
00:81:18.060 --> 00:81:21.340
work is up and down. Its
feast or famine in its nature. So
935
00:81:24.779 --> 00:81:30.060
it's difficult. It was a big
transition for me and my body. My
936
00:81:30.220 --> 00:81:35.449
body wasn't able to withstand that pressure. And don't get me wrong, like,
937
00:81:35.529 --> 00:81:40.689
I don't want this to come off
like like it wasn't a great place
938
00:81:40.729 --> 00:81:43.130
to work, because it was.
And again, I made some of my
939
00:81:43.289 --> 00:81:46.720
closest relationships there and I still love
those guys there. I still, you
940
00:81:46.800 --> 00:81:53.000
know, interact with them and some
of my best friends worked there for a
941
00:81:53.079 --> 00:81:55.760
long time. I got a couple
of my friends jobs there. I mean
942
00:81:56.439 --> 00:81:58.520
it was it was a great place
to work. We did a lot of
943
00:81:58.560 --> 00:82:03.390
cool work together and but at the
end of the day, some people are
944
00:82:03.430 --> 00:82:06.829
cut out for that line of work
and and I my body just wasn't and
945
00:82:06.909 --> 00:82:14.430
that was just my reality and that's
okay, but it it it didn't end
946
00:82:14.550 --> 00:82:18.619
well for for me. It's,
like I said, I was there again
947
00:82:18.659 --> 00:82:23.699
for about three and a half years. I would have I talked a little
948
00:82:23.699 --> 00:82:28.460
bit about this in the podcast I
put out before it to I'm sure we'll
949
00:82:28.500 --> 00:82:31.689
talk about in a little bit,
but I would have panic attacks and meetings
950
00:82:31.770 --> 00:82:36.569
and no one would know. So
I'd be pitching, you know, changes
951
00:82:36.649 --> 00:82:44.920
to projects and in front of a
room of twenty, thirty people and no
952
00:82:45.039 --> 00:82:48.800
one would know that I'm up there
wanting to die, like I'm up there
953
00:82:49.000 --> 00:82:54.199
with can't breathe, I'm shaking,
I'm sweating. I like on autopilot.
954
00:82:54.279 --> 00:82:57.199
I just blacked out. Have no
idea what I'm saying, just like we're
955
00:82:57.199 --> 00:83:00.229
lying on like, Hey, you've
been saying this stuff for a couple of
956
00:83:00.270 --> 00:83:03.550
years now. You can do it, you know. But the end of
957
00:83:03.590 --> 00:83:09.310
day, like it was painful for
me. And what hathaway doesn't know,
958
00:83:09.510 --> 00:83:11.989
what a lot of my friends and
family doesn't know, that don't know,
959
00:83:13.500 --> 00:83:19.140
is I started drinking really heavily to
cope with that. I don't want to
960
00:83:19.180 --> 00:83:24.300
use the term alcohol because I think
that's something that a lot of people struggle
961
00:83:25.220 --> 00:83:30.529
really badly with and I think that's
a very specific Dick, a very specific
962
00:83:30.609 --> 00:83:35.649
mountain to climb. It had ran
in my family and I've seen, you
963
00:83:35.770 --> 00:83:40.010
know, what that can do,
and so I don't ever want to say
964
00:83:40.050 --> 00:83:43.520
that was the case, but I
was definitely abusing it because I was using
965
00:83:43.560 --> 00:83:48.000
it to self medicate, and that's
what I was doing, you know,
966
00:83:48.079 --> 00:83:53.399
when I get home from from halfway. You know, it started with just
967
00:83:53.479 --> 00:83:57.430
a couple beers and justifiably, like
hey, I'm, you know, twenty
968
00:83:57.510 --> 00:83:59.789
six, twenty seven years old,
if I want to drink a beer after
969
00:83:59.789 --> 00:84:01.109
work, I'm gonna drink a beer. Yeah, and you know, I'd
970
00:84:01.149 --> 00:84:04.989
have the baseball games on. You
know, I would watch both the diamondbacks
971
00:84:05.029 --> 00:84:13.579
and the Yankee Games. Okay,
I had they let me take home the
972
00:84:13.899 --> 00:84:17.899
by the way, they let me
take home the the two thousand and one
973
00:84:18.859 --> 00:84:26.210
world series reunion signs that we made
this for the stadium, Yep, from
974
00:84:26.250 --> 00:84:29.170
at the d backs, and so
I had those. I put them in
975
00:84:29.210 --> 00:84:33.850
my dad's Yankee Room and he was
very upset. That's fantastic. Yeah.
976
00:84:34.050 --> 00:84:41.479
So so I would I'll get home
and how the Games on and I would
977
00:84:41.520 --> 00:84:44.439
I would just sit there and I
have a few beers. But the wake
978
00:84:44.479 --> 00:84:48.479
up call was one night I was
sitting there and I was I was watching
979
00:84:48.600 --> 00:84:54.229
baseball and I want to go get
another beer from a six pack that I
980
00:84:54.390 --> 00:85:00.029
bought that night and there was no
beers left, and that was a problem
981
00:85:00.069 --> 00:85:03.310
for me. You know, some
people may think like, oh, that's
982
00:85:03.310 --> 00:85:05.829
not a big deal, like you're
watching the game, you're distracted. What
983
00:85:05.989 --> 00:85:12.500
six beers like? To me,
that was a problem because I knew why
984
00:85:12.539 --> 00:85:15.300
I was drinking. It's not like
I was doing it because I was like
985
00:85:15.460 --> 00:85:21.369
obsessed with the taste of this beer
and it was like quenching my thirst.
986
00:85:21.810 --> 00:85:26.369
It was because it I was feeling
better and better than what I drink.
987
00:85:26.689 --> 00:85:30.489
And I did it to the point
where I didn't even remember. I didn't
988
00:85:30.489 --> 00:85:38.560
even remember grabbing the last beer out
of the refrigerator. So that continued at
989
00:85:38.600 --> 00:85:43.479
work, which is something that's really
hard to talk about. You know,
990
00:85:43.560 --> 00:85:48.079
in agencies or you know, you're
allowed to drink at work and you're allowed
991
00:85:48.119 --> 00:85:50.789
to have a beer in the kitchen. I should rephrase that. You're not
992
00:85:50.829 --> 00:85:57.149
allowed to get hammered at what's a
professional environment people, but you know it's
993
00:85:57.470 --> 00:85:59.470
a it's a loose environment, so
you can go out, you could have
994
00:85:59.550 --> 00:86:01.550
some beers at lunch. There's some
beers in the fridge. You know if
995
00:86:01.590 --> 00:86:10.260
you want to take a break in
the afternoon, but it's when you're there
996
00:86:10.420 --> 00:86:15.060
late at night and you're working on, you know, these projects by yourself
997
00:86:15.140 --> 00:86:20.770
and you're going through, you know, anxiety and an OCD and, you
998
00:86:20.850 --> 00:86:23.810
know, a lot of depression.
You know, I'd Bost two of my
999
00:86:23.890 --> 00:86:29.449
really close friends, like I mentioned, being worn out from the hours dedicated
1000
00:86:29.489 --> 00:86:32.279
to this stuff. Like I would
drink, you know, I would drink
1001
00:86:32.920 --> 00:86:35.319
before I would go home. I
would drink and I go back to work
1002
00:86:35.399 --> 00:86:40.479
and spend time there and or I'd
go home and work and drink, and
1003
00:86:40.840 --> 00:86:45.600
it was it wasn't going well for
me. I started my anxiety only got
1004
00:86:45.640 --> 00:86:53.390
worse from there. My social anxiety
got tremendously worse. I was starting to
1005
00:86:53.550 --> 00:87:00.229
live my life out of avoidance in
the biggest way, not going to functions,
1006
00:87:00.310 --> 00:87:02.060
not going out to dinner because I
couldn't sit still in a restaurant without
1007
00:87:02.060 --> 00:87:12.739
having anxiety attack. And it was
a disaster. So, after three and
1008
00:87:12.819 --> 00:87:18.170
a half years, I decided to
get my real estate license because Anallos,
1009
00:87:18.210 --> 00:87:23.729
there's really no segue into that,
but I decided to get my real estate
1010
00:87:23.770 --> 00:87:26.329
license because in my head I was
like, okay, well, you can
1011
00:87:26.369 --> 00:87:29.649
control your own schedule. I live
on the central coast in California, like,
1012
00:87:29.729 --> 00:87:33.640
where else do you want to sell
real estate? And my MOM's real
1013
00:87:33.680 --> 00:87:36.439
estate agent a new ton of people
in real estate. So again it was
1014
00:87:36.479 --> 00:87:41.319
like, Hey, you have these
resources available to you can still make something
1015
00:87:41.319 --> 00:87:45.029
of yourself in a different industry.
So I tried doing that for two weeks
1016
00:87:45.029 --> 00:87:56.270
after leaving halfway and I was also
starting starting my own agency with a buddy,
1017
00:87:57.189 --> 00:88:00.260
and I guess I was about two
weeks out of Hathaway, two weeks
1018
00:88:00.300 --> 00:88:05.619
into my real estate career of actually
being like dead. I had my license
1019
00:88:05.699 --> 00:88:10.500
for more than two weeks. I
had had it for a few months.
1020
00:88:10.539 --> 00:88:14.210
I had already sold a house,
which thank God I did, because I
1021
00:88:14.329 --> 00:88:19.529
needed it in this next chapter that
I'm going to go into. But I
1022
00:88:20.770 --> 00:88:29.439
was only two weeks out and I
had a full mental health collapse. I
1023
00:88:29.520 --> 00:88:33.840
don't know why it happened, when
it happened. I don't know why it
1024
00:88:33.920 --> 00:88:42.590
happened, how it happened and how
bad it happened. But because of ignoring
1025
00:88:44.109 --> 00:88:48.430
my body, ignoring the signs going
on in my life of avoidance and the
1026
00:88:48.590 --> 00:88:54.470
trauma that had created all of these
physical symptoms that were now main manifesting themselves.
1027
00:88:54.550 --> 00:89:00.539
Like I paid a huge price and
it's still something that I am fighting
1028
00:89:00.819 --> 00:89:03.140
on a daily basis, and it's
been three and a half years. So
1029
00:89:14.930 --> 00:89:18.050
so tell me, tell me about
that specific day and remember twenty seven and
1030
00:89:18.210 --> 00:89:23.609
two thousand and seventeen. Yeah,
so November, twenty seven, two thousand
1031
00:89:23.649 --> 00:89:27.760
and seventeen was a day that I
will remember for the rest of my life,
1032
00:89:28.399 --> 00:89:33.600
and not for a good reason,
at least not yet. But I
1033
00:89:33.960 --> 00:89:38.829
was, like I said, I'd
had my real estate license, I was
1034
00:89:38.869 --> 00:89:45.270
doing this real estate stuff. I
was trying to start my own agency and
1035
00:89:46.069 --> 00:89:54.100
it's doing freelance projects. I was
drinking a lot and I remember I was
1036
00:89:55.619 --> 00:90:00.340
weird Segue, but I was babysitting
with my roommate, his his niece and
1037
00:90:00.420 --> 00:90:05.340
nephew. So he was babysitting and
I was babysitting by association to the apartment.
1038
00:90:08.210 --> 00:90:11.810
We're watching a movie for the kids. We had some cartoon movie on.
1039
00:90:12.050 --> 00:90:17.289
I think it was like boss baby
or something, and I can't watch
1040
00:90:17.369 --> 00:90:21.399
these weird cartoon movies now because of
this, but I was I was sitting
1041
00:90:21.439 --> 00:90:30.279
there and I was watching him interact
with with these kids, with his niece
1042
00:90:30.359 --> 00:90:35.630
and nephew and just such an amazing
guy. He comes from a baseball background.
1043
00:90:35.630 --> 00:90:41.229
He he was actually he got signed
out of high school. He thought
1044
00:90:41.229 --> 00:90:44.989
he was going to play for the
diamondbacks. When we were in Arizona,
1045
00:90:45.029 --> 00:90:50.300
which is funny. He actually ended
up signing with the Baltimore Orioles and then
1046
00:90:50.420 --> 00:90:57.819
went and then went to where to
go? Lmu I think, but he
1047
00:90:58.699 --> 00:91:02.579
he actually found God and decided that
it's time for him to step away from
1048
00:91:02.579 --> 00:91:09.689
baseball and that's actually how we reconnected
and we're living together because I grown up
1049
00:91:09.729 --> 00:91:13.369
with him and his older brother.
But yeah, so we're sitting there and
1050
00:91:13.569 --> 00:91:16.289
we're watching this movie and I'm watching
him play with, you know, his
1051
00:91:16.409 --> 00:91:21.479
family, and I'm just like wow, like it's it was such a beautiful
1052
00:91:21.479 --> 00:91:25.800
thing to see and it was just
something I was like that's something I want
1053
00:91:25.880 --> 00:91:30.159
to be able to do as a
father, and I had this moment in
1054
00:91:30.239 --> 00:91:39.510
my head of like how am I
ever supposed to take care of children or
1055
00:91:39.670 --> 00:91:45.149
of a wife or of anyone if
I can't take care of myself? And
1056
00:91:46.029 --> 00:91:53.220
it was that moment of self awareness
and recognizing, like taking inventory and actually
1057
00:91:53.220 --> 00:91:58.819
recognizing where my life is at that
I had a physical response in my body
1058
00:91:59.420 --> 00:92:03.369
that has lasted for three and a
half years so far. So I it
1059
00:92:03.529 --> 00:92:09.010
felt like something in my gut turned
over and it felt like, I don't
1060
00:92:09.050 --> 00:92:13.090
even know how to describe it.
Man It like it literally felt like if
1061
00:92:13.090 --> 00:92:17.319
there's a light switch for your emotions, someone just turned it off. So
1062
00:92:17.560 --> 00:92:24.640
I felt my body, it internally, just go blink and I felt my
1063
00:92:24.880 --> 00:92:28.279
gut. You know, we talked
about the brain gut connection so much in
1064
00:92:28.399 --> 00:92:36.310
mental health. There is your gut
places such a big part in you know
1065
00:92:36.590 --> 00:92:44.500
what's being fed to your brain in
terms of emotional responses, and that's what
1066
00:92:44.779 --> 00:92:45.779
that's what I was feeling. I
didn't know that at the time, but
1067
00:92:45.779 --> 00:92:50.659
that's what I'll come to learn through
therapy and stuff. But my gut just
1068
00:92:50.739 --> 00:92:56.739
flipped over my I had no control
over my thoughts anymore. It was just
1069
00:92:56.859 --> 00:93:02.289
like the most like negative thoughts.
And I should mention that this time I
1070
00:93:02.369 --> 00:93:10.770
had actually become a Christian and it
was always something that I had had inside
1071
00:93:10.810 --> 00:93:14.520
of me, but again I was
kind of scared to do and because I
1072
00:93:14.760 --> 00:93:18.720
was noticing I was drinking so heavily
and my health situation and everything. Through
1073
00:93:18.760 --> 00:93:24.359
another friend store. I ended up
becoming getting saved in becoming a Christian,
1074
00:93:26.119 --> 00:93:30.750
which was really helpful for me and
it brought a lot of really great relationships
1075
00:93:30.789 --> 00:93:35.189
for me. But that night,
the reason I bring that up is because
1076
00:93:35.189 --> 00:93:41.109
that night that's where I went as
I went to the church because they were
1077
00:93:41.149 --> 00:93:45.779
having a worship night and I knew
like hey, if there's any if there's
1078
00:93:45.779 --> 00:93:51.939
any atmosphere that I personally wanted to
be in that I think could personally benefit
1079
00:93:53.020 --> 00:93:57.050
me, would be that atmosphere in
my mind. So that's why I went
1080
00:93:57.210 --> 00:94:00.810
and it didn't help at all.
It actually made it worse, because now
1081
00:94:00.810 --> 00:94:03.569
I felt guilty about the thoughts that
we're going through my head. And I'm
1082
00:94:03.609 --> 00:94:12.479
in Church and I grew up with
the family that pastors at Church and one
1083
00:94:12.479 --> 00:94:16.199
of my best friends is the pastor
there and we were actually neighbors at the
1084
00:94:16.239 --> 00:94:21.439
apartment that I had left that night
to come there, and so I texted
1085
00:94:21.439 --> 00:94:24.470
him and just said, Hey,
man, I know you're doing your thing,
1086
00:94:24.710 --> 00:94:28.829
but when you get this text,
text message, like when you come
1087
00:94:28.869 --> 00:94:30.550
home tonight, just cruise over,
because we literally live next to each other.
1088
00:94:31.430 --> 00:94:35.710
and He came over and I'm in
my bedroom sitting on the floor,
1089
00:94:36.470 --> 00:94:42.220
and I mean I was tearful.
You know, I wasn't crying because I'm
1090
00:94:42.739 --> 00:94:45.380
I'm a guy and I'm trying to
hold back my emotions in front of my
1091
00:94:45.420 --> 00:94:54.729
other guy friend, right, and
he really saved me that night because he
1092
00:94:54.930 --> 00:95:00.210
sat there was so much patience and
so much grace and just like no judgment
1093
00:95:00.250 --> 00:95:02.449
at all and just listened and tried
to understand like what I was going through.
1094
00:95:04.210 --> 00:95:10.640
But what was happening was I was
disconnecting from everything. My surroundings were
1095
00:95:10.680 --> 00:95:17.520
feeling unfamiliar, I had a headache
on a really bad headache, and I
1096
00:95:17.640 --> 00:95:21.149
told you, you know, my
gut felt weird, my thoughts were terrible,
1097
00:95:21.149 --> 00:95:27.750
I I felt like I was going
crazy and which is such a different
1098
00:95:27.789 --> 00:95:30.909
word in my vocabulary now, but
at the time that's the word I would
1099
00:95:30.909 --> 00:95:39.140
have used, and I remember just
that night being one of the hardest nights
1100
00:95:39.180 --> 00:95:47.420
of my life, experiencing what I
was mentally and physically. So you're dealing
1101
00:95:47.500 --> 00:95:54.369
with this this association, this some
cognitive dissonance probably happening as well at the
1102
00:95:54.409 --> 00:95:59.569
same time, kind of not knowing
who you are but knowing knowing who you
1103
00:95:59.689 --> 00:96:02.050
are at the same time. Really
hard to explain. I went through a
1104
00:96:02.130 --> 00:96:09.439
lot of those things as well.
It's still something you're struggling with today,
1105
00:96:09.479 --> 00:96:16.640
right, yeah, so it is
something that I struggle with on around the
1106
00:96:16.720 --> 00:96:20.590
clock basis every single day. You
know, it was the next day that
1107
00:96:20.710 --> 00:96:26.630
I first started to actually really understand
what's going on. You know, I
1108
00:96:26.909 --> 00:96:30.590
mentioned it a little bit of my
podcast of getting to my parents house and
1109
00:96:32.619 --> 00:96:39.579
the next day and everything looked like
I never been there before. You still
1110
00:96:39.619 --> 00:96:43.060
have the self awareness of where you
are, but everything looks different. So
1111
00:96:43.180 --> 00:96:50.729
it's very confusing and I had a
terrible panic attack and since since yea,
1112
00:96:50.810 --> 00:96:56.569
since that morning, my reality has
looked completely different. Physically, the world
1113
00:96:57.210 --> 00:97:00.930
and looks much different and much more
unfamiliar and you kind of have to operate
1114
00:97:00.010 --> 00:97:04.159
under this this feeling of faith of
you know where you are and you have
1115
00:97:04.239 --> 00:97:10.039
to trust yourself, and there's a
lot of disorientation that comes along with it,
1116
00:97:10.039 --> 00:97:16.310
a lot of confusion, sleep problems. I mean there's the symptoms.
1117
00:97:16.350 --> 00:97:20.470
I mean it, if this is
something I could be very triggering for people.
1118
00:97:20.470 --> 00:97:24.510
So I'm kind of tiptoeing around some
of this because sure there's a lot
1119
00:97:24.590 --> 00:97:29.189
of really bad symptoms that come with
dissociation can come with dissociation and everyone,
1120
00:97:29.270 --> 00:97:34.140
let me be clear, everyone experiences
it differently, but for the sake of
1121
00:97:34.260 --> 00:97:40.779
not triggering anyone that may be dealing
with somewhat similar things, it was just
1122
00:97:40.859 --> 00:97:45.449
a really scary time and I related
to when I talked to other people about
1123
00:97:45.449 --> 00:97:48.250
it. I related to the feeling
you get when you have like the flu
1124
00:97:48.369 --> 00:97:50.289
for like a week and you're like, oh my gosh, when is this
1125
00:97:50.409 --> 00:97:54.210
going to end? I don't remember
what it feels like to be normal.
1126
00:97:54.329 --> 00:97:58.489
You feel like you're going to be
sick forever. Imagine if that came true.
1127
00:97:59.840 --> 00:98:04.199
Imagine if that feeling lasted for years, because when I was experiencing what
1128
00:98:04.279 --> 00:98:10.239
I was my first thought was not
mental health. My first thought was,
1129
00:98:10.920 --> 00:98:14.869
okay, I've had so many medical
issues with like bad dental stuff. I
1130
00:98:14.909 --> 00:98:19.789
had a tumor in my face.
I have had so many concussions. I
1131
00:98:19.869 --> 00:98:26.270
had spot meningitis. I know I
knew that I had like a terrible sinus
1132
00:98:26.310 --> 00:98:31.460
infection because it runs my family to
have messed up sinuses and my dad had
1133
00:98:31.500 --> 00:98:34.819
a similar situation when he was younger
where he couldn't get out of bed because
1134
00:98:34.859 --> 00:98:40.060
he was sick from the sinuses.
So I didn't go to like hey,
1135
00:98:40.100 --> 00:98:43.649
there's something off from mental health or
Oh, I had trauma in my childhood
1136
00:98:43.649 --> 00:98:47.729
that has manifested itself in this way
now. I thought there was something physically
1137
00:98:47.770 --> 00:98:50.529
wrong with me. So in my
head I was like this is temporary,
1138
00:98:50.689 --> 00:98:55.130
this isn't going to last for more
than like a couple days, a week
1139
00:98:55.210 --> 00:99:00.000
or two, I'm sick. You
know, that wasn't the case. I
1140
00:99:00.800 --> 00:99:03.840
would go on to have every test
you can ever imagine, every type of
1141
00:99:03.840 --> 00:99:13.310
imaging, from doctors to dentists to
earnose, throat, MRIs cat scans,
1142
00:99:13.350 --> 00:99:18.750
I mean every type of blood work, heavy metal poisoning, I did acupuncture.
1143
00:99:18.789 --> 00:99:26.979
I did what are those chambers called? Yeah, Hyper Berg Yeah,
1144
00:99:27.020 --> 00:99:31.020
hyperbaric chambers with like electro magnetic therapy
and light therapy and man, you name
1145
00:99:31.060 --> 00:99:36.739
it, I've tried it, you
know. And I quickly started to realize
1146
00:99:36.739 --> 00:99:40.409
that, hey, if all these
scans and all these results are coming back
1147
00:99:41.050 --> 00:99:45.250
like I was literally getting told like
you're the healthiest person I've seen in like
1148
00:99:45.369 --> 00:99:48.170
six months or a year in my
office, and to be told that and
1149
00:99:48.289 --> 00:99:51.210
to be be feeling the way I
feel and seeing the world and experiencing what
1150
00:99:51.289 --> 00:99:58.880
I am, the way that I
am, like. It's so frustrating because
1151
00:99:58.920 --> 00:100:03.520
I wasn't getting any answers and no
results. People would say are great results,
1152
00:100:04.199 --> 00:100:06.949
but they weren't, because I wanted
to know what the heck was going
1153
00:100:08.069 --> 00:100:13.350
on with me. Sure, because
I couldn't drive, I couldn't I could.
1154
00:100:13.550 --> 00:100:15.829
There's one night I could barely walk
down my stairs. I mean,
1155
00:100:15.029 --> 00:100:23.140
my life was I felt like I
was losing everything and although the symptoms have
1156
00:100:23.260 --> 00:100:27.220
gotten better and I was able to
get back to work and become more involved
1157
00:100:27.220 --> 00:100:32.100
in my friendships and relationships again,
it's still something I deal with on a
1158
00:100:32.140 --> 00:100:35.170
daily basis. Like I'm so scared
to go to sleep at night. I'm
1159
00:100:35.170 --> 00:100:39.569
still confused when I wake up every
morning and have to place myself, like
1160
00:100:40.130 --> 00:100:43.449
I literally have your morning rattle off
my address, my social security number,
1161
00:100:43.609 --> 00:100:45.930
my my phone number, my name, my parents names, their birthday,
1162
00:100:45.930 --> 00:100:53.000
it's like everything, because I feel
like that unsure of my world when I
1163
00:100:53.039 --> 00:100:57.640
wake up every single morning. And
it's crazy when I tell that to people,
1164
00:100:57.640 --> 00:101:00.800
because they look at me and they're
like, but you look fine,
1165
00:101:00.960 --> 00:101:04.149
you sound fine, you're still designing, you're do you're doing, you know,
1166
00:101:04.829 --> 00:101:11.109
professional level work and being paid,
you know, a significant amount of
1167
00:101:11.149 --> 00:101:16.470
money now to to do this type
of work. And how am I supposed
1168
00:101:16.470 --> 00:101:20.260
to believe that your reality like those? Those two things don't add up to
1169
00:101:20.340 --> 00:101:30.539
to most people who haven't experienced mental
health complications themselves. And in so you're
1170
00:101:30.579 --> 00:101:35.170
doing this. You you start telling
people, you know, I am suffering,
1171
00:101:36.810 --> 00:101:42.289
not I'm not right, I'm not
me. And then he made some
1172
00:101:42.569 --> 00:101:48.920
connections through your network and met Eric. Tell me about that story and what
1173
00:101:49.039 --> 00:101:58.640
that led to. Yeah, so
I was living with in a different house,
1174
00:101:58.720 --> 00:102:01.310
but with the same guy that I
was living with when it first happened
1175
00:102:01.390 --> 00:102:06.550
in two thousand and seventeen and he
he was a big part in helping me
1176
00:102:06.630 --> 00:102:12.510
get back on my feet. And
I remember I was I was laying in
1177
00:102:12.590 --> 00:102:18.899
bed one night and I was on
Instagram and I saw that our buddy from
1178
00:102:18.939 --> 00:102:28.060
the diamondbacks, Zak, had created
or was involved with a podcast. I
1179
00:102:28.180 --> 00:102:31.569
forget. I forget what it's called, but he was involved with the podcast
1180
00:102:31.689 --> 00:102:36.770
and I was like, oh well, that's a cool platform to like have
1181
00:102:36.970 --> 00:102:42.210
independence to talk about whatever you want
to talk about, and so I reached
1182
00:102:42.250 --> 00:102:44.520
out to Zach and I was like
hey, dude, we haven't talked in
1183
00:102:44.560 --> 00:102:46.800
a long time. This is what's
happened since, you know, the last
1184
00:102:46.800 --> 00:102:51.039
time I've talked to you. You
know, of course he was super bummed
1185
00:102:51.039 --> 00:102:55.880
out and blown away to hear like
what I was dealing with. I mean,
1186
00:102:56.560 --> 00:102:59.590
you know, even for the short
time that we are in each other's
1187
00:102:59.630 --> 00:103:02.189
lives, you know, as as
friends and in a physical sense like,
1188
00:103:03.710 --> 00:103:08.909
we had still, you know,
as colleagues. Do you know kept in
1189
00:103:08.989 --> 00:103:13.220
touch a little bit, and it
was hard for him to hear that is
1190
00:103:13.260 --> 00:103:16.579
it was hard for me to tell
him because, you know, it was
1191
00:103:16.699 --> 00:103:19.699
such a positive time when I was
I was with him, and it's hard
1192
00:103:19.739 --> 00:103:28.649
to to mix those two things in
my head together. But ultimately he was
1193
00:103:28.729 --> 00:103:33.729
so positive about it and I mean, if it weren't for him, it
1194
00:103:33.810 --> 00:103:41.920
wouldn't have helped me feel more comfortable
talking about it. And because of him
1195
00:103:41.920 --> 00:103:45.920
I made a connection that would allow
me to actually have a platform to talk
1196
00:103:45.960 --> 00:103:51.920
about it. And and how we
get there is he, after listening to
1197
00:103:53.079 --> 00:104:00.670
what I had explained with my mental
health and my physical health, he knew
1198
00:104:01.149 --> 00:104:09.510
someone that he worked with and sports
that had also gone through something almost identical
1199
00:104:10.539 --> 00:104:16.060
to what I had gone through,
to a point where it's eerie sometimes when
1200
00:104:16.060 --> 00:104:20.220
him, when I talk, and
he's like I just I need to connect
1201
00:104:20.260 --> 00:104:24.609
you with this guy, like I
feel really strongly that you two there's just
1202
00:104:24.729 --> 00:104:28.529
something there, because you guys have
the same story and I really think you
1203
00:104:28.569 --> 00:104:33.090
should just talk to him, you
know. And I was I was scared.
1204
00:104:33.130 --> 00:104:36.649
I don't cold call people. He
had told me who he was.
1205
00:104:36.770 --> 00:104:43.880
He was a, you know,
sports executive for multiple teams, and so,
1206
00:104:44.399 --> 00:104:48.119
coming from a sports background, you
never making it past in turn out
1207
00:104:48.159 --> 00:104:54.510
of professional sports franchise, like I
know. I know that. I know
1208
00:104:54.630 --> 00:104:58.989
the rules of the road and I
was still in that mind space of like,
1209
00:104:59.869 --> 00:105:02.270
dude, don't just go hit up
some executive and back hey, what's
1210
00:105:02.270 --> 00:105:06.380
up, you know, like a
that's they're going to be like what?
1211
00:105:10.100 --> 00:105:15.579
And so I got over that pride
and fear and I did. I called,
1212
00:105:15.659 --> 00:105:21.409
called him, Zach gave me his
number and it was one of the
1213
00:105:21.489 --> 00:105:27.689
best conversations I had had leading up
to that time for probably like a year
1214
00:105:27.729 --> 00:105:35.119
or two, because before he even
asked me why I called, I just
1215
00:105:35.279 --> 00:105:39.800
mentioned Zach and like why he gave
me his number, but I didn't tell
1216
00:105:39.880 --> 00:105:44.960
him like the idea I had in
my head. We talked about our stories
1217
00:105:45.000 --> 00:105:47.079
for about an hour, hour and
a half on the phone before he even
1218
00:105:47.119 --> 00:105:51.630
asked like Oh dude, I'm so
sorry, like well, would you call
1219
00:105:51.750 --> 00:105:57.430
for but it was such an awesome
phone call. And Eric, his name
1220
00:105:57.510 --> 00:106:01.630
is Eric Houston and he was a
executive in the sports industry for a long
1221
00:106:01.670 --> 00:106:06.500
time. He worked for the Phoenix
Suns and a couple different organizations. But
1222
00:106:06.659 --> 00:106:13.460
what's funny as we were all on
the same paid roll right because you know,
1223
00:106:13.539 --> 00:106:15.819
I remember having to go to the
Sun Stadium to collect my check sometimes
1224
00:106:15.939 --> 00:106:23.130
at the diamondbacks, and who knows
if I was walking past Eric and the
1225
00:106:23.250 --> 00:106:26.609
fact that if I would have accepted
the Phoenix Suns job when I was in
1226
00:106:26.689 --> 00:106:29.890
Ohio, how would have worked with
Eric at the Phoenix Suns. Like there's
1227
00:106:29.930 --> 00:106:34.800
just so much weird shit, like
a hundredfold of what I just mentioned that
1228
00:106:34.960 --> 00:106:41.079
goes into is like this relationship.
But Eric would go on to create an
1229
00:106:41.119 --> 00:106:45.359
organization called we're all a little crazy
from his experiences with mental health and trauma,
1230
00:106:46.000 --> 00:106:50.869
and he would create these alliances with
celebrities and athletes to tell their story
1231
00:106:51.069 --> 00:106:59.029
using a Hashtag called same here,
which is their messaging of we all go
1232
00:106:59.270 --> 00:107:05.220
through similar life circumstances that affect us
and our mental health in different ways and
1233
00:107:05.380 --> 00:107:11.899
that it's okay to not be okay
and that everybody lives on a spectrum of
1234
00:107:12.020 --> 00:107:16.369
something, whether we are conscious of
it or not, or we at least
1235
00:107:16.409 --> 00:107:23.090
know someone has been affected by it. And he also has a lines of
1236
00:107:24.449 --> 00:107:30.079
healthcare professionals and he does a bunch
of college tours. Super, super well
1237
00:107:30.119 --> 00:107:38.640
rounded organization. Again that I felt
like I had no business talking to and
1238
00:107:39.920 --> 00:107:43.279
I'm trying to understand why this guy's
even letting me pitch this idea. But
1239
00:107:43.880 --> 00:107:46.670
I pitched him the idea of like
hey, you know, Zack's doing this
1240
00:107:46.750 --> 00:107:50.270
podcast. I think would be a
cool idea, since we have similar stories,
1241
00:107:50.310 --> 00:107:54.590
to host a podcast and use your
platform. You already have a built
1242
00:107:54.670 --> 00:108:00.300
in listening base. You have all
these great athletes and artists and actors that
1243
00:108:00.420 --> 00:108:03.699
we can leverage for stories because they've
already published their stories in a written form
1244
00:108:03.739 --> 00:108:10.220
or in foreign video interviews. You
know how you feel about that. And
1245
00:108:10.260 --> 00:108:12.220
he was like yeah, man,
we've been trying to get that going for
1246
00:108:12.260 --> 00:108:15.289
a long time at something's been on
our radar. You produce it and host
1247
00:108:15.329 --> 00:108:19.689
it and we'll make it happen,
and so I did. I embarked on
1248
00:108:19.810 --> 00:108:30.399
this journey of stepping well outside my
creative comfort zone and getting into studio equipment.
1249
00:108:30.479 --> 00:108:35.319
Of originally it was a video interviews, so cameras, microphones, lighting,
1250
00:108:38.840 --> 00:108:45.630
set, furniture, writing, you
know, like basic talking points.
1251
00:108:46.189 --> 00:108:50.189
I was doing. I was doing
everything. I I did all the branding
1252
00:108:50.229 --> 00:108:54.949
for I did the marketing for it, the messaging for it, I mean
1253
00:108:55.350 --> 00:109:00.140
everything, literally, everything was Eric
and I've just like piecemeal in the sing
1254
00:109:00.180 --> 00:109:08.979
together and it it was such like
a comforting thing to do, like when
1255
00:109:09.020 --> 00:109:13.130
it was all sent and done and
we're up and running, because up until
1256
00:109:13.170 --> 00:109:16.810
then it was very stressful, want
to be honest, trying to battle my
1257
00:109:17.529 --> 00:109:27.000
symptoms of dissociation and anxiety and panic
attacks and also become a executive producer of
1258
00:109:28.079 --> 00:109:30.960
podcast. I knew nothing about audio. I no background and audio, I
1259
00:109:31.039 --> 00:109:34.279
had no background and video except for
what I saw at, you know,
1260
00:109:34.399 --> 00:109:41.909
the diamondbacks in San Francisco. So
it was a whole other world. And
1261
00:109:42.390 --> 00:109:45.750
once we're up and running, man, like what a blessing it was to
1262
00:109:45.789 --> 00:109:50.149
be able to like have my own
space, to sit there and be like
1263
00:109:50.470 --> 00:109:57.539
hey, world, this happens to
people and this is my story and this
1264
00:109:57.579 --> 00:110:00.859
is what I went through and it's
okay. And if you're going through it
1265
00:110:00.899 --> 00:110:05.899
too, like that's okay and like
other people are here for you and there's
1266
00:110:06.060 --> 00:110:12.449
there's there's professionals out there that can
help you, you know. So getting
1267
00:110:12.449 --> 00:110:18.010
to have Eric share his story and
then having the the athletes that we are
1268
00:110:18.050 --> 00:110:24.159
able to have on the show,
I mean just amazing. People willing to
1269
00:110:24.199 --> 00:110:29.159
take time out of their day and, you know, people who are still
1270
00:110:29.159 --> 00:110:32.720
battling stuff and trying to make a
positive difference with their story, you know,
1271
00:110:33.079 --> 00:110:38.149
coming on the show and sharing their
story. I mean that was that
1272
00:110:38.310 --> 00:110:41.029
was a huge wake up call for
me for how I'm allowed to talk about
1273
00:110:41.029 --> 00:110:44.750
it, how I'm allowed to feel
about what I'm going through. Had that,
1274
00:110:44.869 --> 00:110:48.430
I can be a professional and I
can be a designer and a professional
1275
00:110:48.590 --> 00:110:54.739
environment. I could still be accepted
at a senior level in in product design,
1276
00:110:54.779 --> 00:110:57.899
I could still have a girlfriend,
I could still own a house if
1277
00:110:57.939 --> 00:111:00.859
I want to, and have kids
like it made me feel like, Hey,
1278
00:111:00.899 --> 00:111:05.569
there's still a chance to like be
a functioning person like these, these
1279
00:111:05.729 --> 00:111:12.050
these symptoms don't define what you deserve, you know. Yeah, yeah,
1280
00:111:12.609 --> 00:111:19.119
it's and it's powerful story, because
you're there's so many people, there's so
1281
00:111:19.159 --> 00:111:25.239
many people who are listening to this
podcast who have already reached out, only
1282
00:111:25.279 --> 00:111:29.079
had a couple episodes to say you
know, hey, this is exactly what
1283
00:111:29.199 --> 00:111:32.550
I needed to hear. And how
do we talk about this? More if
1284
00:111:32.590 --> 00:111:38.350
you were to tell them one thing
from the things you learned in the signals
1285
00:111:38.430 --> 00:111:45.470
that you had throughout your life and
your experiences throughout sports and agency world,
1286
00:111:45.510 --> 00:111:51.779
but I'll dealing with loss, in
dealing with some pretty major mental health issues,
1287
00:111:51.819 --> 00:112:01.369
especially with the associated just association.
Tell tell them, you know that
1288
00:112:02.409 --> 00:112:04.609
what you would want. What do
you want to say to them at this
1289
00:112:04.770 --> 00:112:10.930
point? Let them know that it's
okay to talk about these things. Yeah,
1290
00:112:11.850 --> 00:112:15.000
and and more so than that,
like there is nothing more important than
1291
00:112:15.079 --> 00:112:20.720
your health, there is nothing more
important than how you exist in your life
1292
00:112:20.880 --> 00:112:29.159
every single day, and there's I'm
not saying this in an arrogant way,
1293
00:112:29.199 --> 00:112:33.069
but there's so many people out there
that are selfless individuals, like myself,
1294
00:112:33.149 --> 00:112:35.989
that would rather put other people first, whether it's in a relationship, whether
1295
00:112:36.029 --> 00:112:44.270
it's in work, whether it's in
your faith, whatever it is, you
1296
00:112:44.380 --> 00:112:53.979
don't always have to be a giver
before you take inventory and focus on giving
1297
00:112:54.060 --> 00:112:58.180
back to yourself. Because what ends
up happening, and it's something we hear
1298
00:112:58.260 --> 00:113:00.930
often, we never take seriously,
and I never took seriously as is,
1299
00:113:02.210 --> 00:113:10.729
if, if you're not happy,
then how are you supposed to give happiness?
1300
00:113:10.970 --> 00:113:14.479
Right, so it's like it's the
same thing of like, if you
1301
00:113:14.560 --> 00:113:16.600
don't take care of your your self, how are you supposed to have a
1302
00:113:16.880 --> 00:113:21.079
fuel, a full tank, to
be able to give that love that you
1303
00:113:21.199 --> 00:113:25.439
want to give to others? Right, you're only giving a part of yourself.
1304
00:113:25.600 --> 00:113:29.350
And so, if not for yourself, like you deserve it for yourself.
1305
00:113:29.550 --> 00:113:32.109
You owe it to yourself to live
the best possible life that you can,
1306
00:113:32.630 --> 00:113:38.270
regardless of whatever you're facing. It
doesn't matter what your status is,
1307
00:113:38.470 --> 00:113:41.779
how much money you make, what
your job title is, where you live,
1308
00:113:41.859 --> 00:113:44.819
who you're married to, like,
nobody cares at the end of the
1309
00:113:44.859 --> 00:113:47.500
day, if your health sucks,
because you're the only one that has to
1310
00:113:47.579 --> 00:113:54.340
go through that pain. Like when
we say were we're you know you're not
1311
00:113:54.500 --> 00:113:59.010
alone, like that's referring to the
fact that everybody's here to support you.
1312
00:113:59.810 --> 00:114:01.689
Right, like everyone here's here to
lift you up and to show you that
1313
00:114:01.810 --> 00:114:04.289
there's hope and to show you that
there's tools and to show you that it's
1314
00:114:04.289 --> 00:114:08.289
okay, that there's no shame around
it. But at the end of the
1315
00:114:08.289 --> 00:114:14.079
day, the work comes down to
the individual and that's that's what I want
1316
00:114:14.119 --> 00:114:19.720
to tell people. Is like when
you when you feel yourself being drained,
1317
00:114:20.119 --> 00:114:28.670
being by whether it's burnout in the
workplace, whether it's trauma from Your Life,
1318
00:114:28.710 --> 00:114:31.710
like we've talked about today, like
losing friends and family, whether it's
1319
00:114:31.710 --> 00:114:35.670
a divorce, like there's big t
trauma and their small te trauma right,
1320
00:114:35.710 --> 00:114:40.460
there's there's things like death and war
and and all those things in their small
1321
00:114:40.500 --> 00:114:44.420
t trauma, like family dynamics and
bullying and that kind of stuff. Those
1322
00:114:44.500 --> 00:114:46.460
things are all real and they all
get stored in your body and they all
1323
00:114:47.220 --> 00:114:53.250
will manifest itself in some way,
even if it's at a subconscious level that
1324
00:114:53.329 --> 00:114:58.890
maybe you don't notice. If,
if you ever get to a point where
1325
00:114:58.890 --> 00:115:02.409
you notice that something's not right,
that you're don't feel like yourself, it
1326
00:115:02.609 --> 00:115:09.159
is never too soon to get help. And when when? I think what
1327
00:115:09.279 --> 00:115:14.880
people get caught up on to is
that the phrase of getting help, because
1328
00:115:14.880 --> 00:115:19.840
I've talked to so many friends through
and colleagues for that matter, because of
1329
00:115:20.000 --> 00:115:24.909
what I've experienced and what I've shared, and they're still afraid to go to
1330
00:115:24.989 --> 00:115:28.029
therapy. And I try to tell
them, like, Hey, if you
1331
00:115:28.270 --> 00:115:30.590
had something that you didn't know was
going on with you physically and like you
1332
00:115:30.670 --> 00:115:33.710
didn't know what it was, would
you go to doctor right? Yes,
1333
00:115:34.149 --> 00:115:38.699
okay, so, if that's happening
in your brain, which controls your body,
1334
00:115:39.300 --> 00:115:43.739
why wouldn't you go take care of
that in the environment which is dedicated
1335
00:115:43.819 --> 00:115:47.619
to figuring that out? And they're
the same. I get the same answer
1336
00:115:47.659 --> 00:115:50.329
every time. I Oh, I
don't know, man, like you know,
1337
00:115:50.489 --> 00:115:54.609
it's it's just it's just weird for
me. I'm a male or I
1338
00:115:54.689 --> 00:115:57.689
don't know, man, it's how
would my family think about that? WHO
1339
00:115:57.770 --> 00:116:00.489
gives a shit? That's my answer, like, let's be let this is
1340
00:116:00.569 --> 00:116:03.319
the first time we're like, I
don't have to and thank you for giving
1341
00:116:03.319 --> 00:116:05.479
me the space, but like,
this is the first time. I don't
1342
00:116:05.520 --> 00:116:09.920
have to be over professional about it, like, who gives a shit what
1343
00:116:10.039 --> 00:116:15.359
other people think? Go get help
for yourself, man, like or or
1344
00:116:15.479 --> 00:116:18.909
miss like, go get go help
yourself, like you owe it to yourself
1345
00:116:18.949 --> 00:116:25.670
to be healthy and there is no
difference going to a doctor for your mind
1346
00:116:25.789 --> 00:116:30.069
and there is going to a doctor
for your body or going to talk to
1347
00:116:30.350 --> 00:116:36.579
a spiritual counselor of any type for
your soul, for your your spirit.
1348
00:116:36.739 --> 00:116:44.739
Like those people are there for reasons
and it's a stigma that's been created because
1349
00:116:44.899 --> 00:116:50.529
we've had gender roles in society that
or or not even general roles backgrounds right.
1350
00:116:51.569 --> 00:116:55.489
What one of my friends is is
Hispanic, one of my best friends
1351
00:116:55.609 --> 00:117:00.760
come you know, he's he's from
here, he's Hispanic and he wanted his
1352
00:117:00.920 --> 00:117:05.960
reason for not getting help is because
it's almost impossible to talk about in his
1353
00:117:06.159 --> 00:117:15.079
community right to be a Mexican American
and to have grown up in that culture.
1354
00:117:15.710 --> 00:117:17.470
Men Do not talk about their mental
health. That's what that's what I've
1355
00:117:17.470 --> 00:117:20.189
been told. I've obviously never lived
in his shoes, so I'm just repeating
1356
00:117:20.229 --> 00:117:25.789
what he has told me, but
it's something I hear all the time and
1357
00:117:26.270 --> 00:117:30.659
it's it breaks my heart because I
know what it feels like to suffer silently
1358
00:117:30.140 --> 00:117:34.819
and still try to be somebody that
you're expected to be in every situation you
1359
00:117:35.020 --> 00:117:40.619
go into in that day and the
best thing that I could that I can
1360
00:117:40.699 --> 00:117:44.369
continue to reiterate, and I'll be
a broken record if that's it takes,
1361
00:117:44.569 --> 00:117:48.289
is it's the best thing you will
ever do for yourself to walk into a
1362
00:117:48.369 --> 00:117:54.170
therapist office. Is it going to
be the right therapist for you? I
1363
00:117:54.250 --> 00:117:58.569
don't know it. It's a relationship
just like any other one that you have
1364
00:117:58.680 --> 00:118:03.039
to explore and build right. So
not not. The first therapist might not
1365
00:118:03.159 --> 00:118:06.039
be the best therapist for you.
I went through a couple before I found
1366
00:118:06.039 --> 00:118:12.479
the right therapist for myself and there's
so many different focuses right depending on what
1367
00:118:12.520 --> 00:118:17.270
you're dealing with, that you can
explore and I just can't be more forward
1368
00:118:17.390 --> 00:118:23.189
by saying like, don't care about
what other people think about you, because
1369
00:118:23.229 --> 00:118:26.430
at the end of the day,
they want you alive, they want you
1370
00:118:26.510 --> 00:118:30.300
around, they want you to be
yourself, they want you to be happy,
1371
00:118:30.420 --> 00:118:32.739
they want you to enjoy life the
way they're enjoying it and they want
1372
00:118:32.779 --> 00:118:36.659
you to be able to enjoy it
at at your fullest capacity. Everyone wants
1373
00:118:36.699 --> 00:118:40.659
that for their friends and family.
So whether or not they understand mental health,
1374
00:118:41.850 --> 00:118:44.170
which I will say, which I
know a lot of people struggle with.
1375
00:118:44.210 --> 00:118:46.090
I've struggled with it. It was, it's been the biggest struggle for
1376
00:118:46.210 --> 00:118:51.529
me is is family. They just
they just don't understand it. And that's
1377
00:118:51.569 --> 00:118:56.319
okay because at the end of the
day they still care about my wellbeing,
1378
00:118:57.439 --> 00:119:00.600
and so does anyone who's listening.
So does your family or your friends or
1379
00:119:00.680 --> 00:119:05.199
your colleagues. There are people out
there who care about you and and and
1380
00:119:06.439 --> 00:119:10.109
I just want to read it reiterate
the fact that, like you, deserve
1381
00:119:10.949 --> 00:119:15.510
to live the best version of your
life that you can live. Amen.
1382
00:119:15.710 --> 00:119:19.109
I mean, it's it's not much
more to say after that really, because
1383
00:119:19.149 --> 00:119:21.989
that you've kind of nailed on the
head. It's everything that we, everybody,
1384
00:119:23.029 --> 00:119:25.500
needs to hear. It's what we've
talked about in these past two episodes,
1385
00:119:25.619 --> 00:119:29.300
is what we're going to talk about
in the next fifty episodes, in
1386
00:119:29.460 --> 00:119:35.380
that, you know, we've got
to stop caring about the stigmas that are
1387
00:119:35.380 --> 00:119:41.850
around us. You've got to stop
caring about the dream job scenario that that
1388
00:119:42.409 --> 00:119:46.329
is crushing our mental health and we've
got to start taking care of each other
1389
00:119:46.770 --> 00:119:53.520
and ourselves. Are primarily, you
know, watch out for compassion fatigue,
1390
00:119:53.560 --> 00:119:56.680
which is, you know, which
is again, you know, trying to
1391
00:119:56.800 --> 00:120:01.039
make everybody like you and and just
be really cautious of the signals when you
1392
00:120:01.159 --> 00:120:05.960
see them, and I think as
as a as a whole. You know,
1393
00:120:06.270 --> 00:120:11.949
the world starting to talk about mental
health more and we are working on
1394
00:120:12.069 --> 00:120:14.630
breaking the Sigmas. We have a
long way to go, just like we
1395
00:120:14.710 --> 00:120:15.909
have a long way to go and
a lot of other things we're dealing with
1396
00:120:15.989 --> 00:120:25.539
in this country. And so and
I appreciate you coming on being so open
1397
00:120:25.579 --> 00:120:29.340
and so candid about your story.
I know it's not easy, but I
1398
00:120:29.460 --> 00:120:33.659
think if somebody can get something out
of it, than a little be completely
1399
00:120:33.739 --> 00:120:38.569
worth it. And I'll ask you
one more question than I ask everybody else.
1400
00:120:39.329 --> 00:120:44.489
If you're going to give your younger
self, skater, I'll some advice.
1401
00:120:45.050 --> 00:120:49.000
Knowing what you know now, what
would you tell yourself? That question
1402
00:120:49.039 --> 00:120:58.560
gave me goosebumps. I would tell
myself that people care about you. I
1403
00:120:58.720 --> 00:121:10.989
would say that your family loves you
and your friends love you and that that
1404
00:121:11.229 --> 00:121:21.699
what you that what you are experiencing
was not your fault, and to get
1405
00:121:21.779 --> 00:121:30.220
help sooner and to love yourself through
the process. And that would that would
1406
00:121:30.260 --> 00:121:44.930
probably be my advice to younger me, for sure. Oh Man, I
1407
00:121:44.970 --> 00:121:50.319
appreciate you and so glad we are
able to reconnect after a long time.
1408
00:121:50.600 --> 00:121:55.560
Still family, families, family.
Once you're in it, you're in it.
1409
00:121:56.119 --> 00:122:00.750
Pray that you know you're healing continues
and then we really look forward to
1410
00:122:01.949 --> 00:122:04.789
going back in and diving into this
episode and put it out there for everyone.
1411
00:122:05.069 --> 00:122:08.949
Appreciate a man. Thank you for
having me on the show and thank
1412
00:122:08.949 --> 00:122:11.989
you for everything you guys are doing, or for everything you are doing and
1413
00:122:12.310 --> 00:122:15.659
the for telling your story, having
this platform for us to share our stories
1414
00:122:15.699 --> 00:122:24.340
and for providing tangible episodes as well
tangible tools. That's that's a change right
1415
00:122:24.420 --> 00:122:29.819
there, you know, aside from
just talking about it like that, that's
1416
00:122:29.899 --> 00:122:32.810
such a beautiful thing that you're doing
by by actually bringing tangible practices to people's
1417
00:122:32.850 --> 00:122:45.439
lives. That's real change right there. Hey, everybody, thanks for sticking
1418
00:122:45.479 --> 00:122:48.640
around until the end here. That
was a long one, but it was
1419
00:122:49.159 --> 00:122:54.279
pretty amazing to get a chance to
really talk to Kyle and dive into his
1420
00:122:54.399 --> 00:122:58.949
story with you all. If you've
enjoyed this podcast and want to leave us
1421
00:122:58.989 --> 00:123:00.869
a review, you could do me
a huge favor and please visit rate this
1422
00:123:00.949 --> 00:123:06.069
podcastcom creative af to leave a quick
note and, as always, if you
1423
00:123:06.109 --> 00:123:10.630
want to hit me up on twitter, it's at creative af or add John
1424
00:123:10.670 --> 00:123:15.380
Willie and that's Jo n w illlley. You can also find me on instagram
1425
00:123:15.460 --> 00:123:20.579
at Willie art or Jay Willie photo. I really appreciate you all and please
1426
00:123:20.619 --> 00:123:25.819
take care of yourselves and we'll see
you, hopefully soon for some more meditation.
1427
00:123:25.859 --> 00:123:27.489
All Right, talk soon.
1
00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:07.469
Everybody. Johnny here. Before we
dive into this podcast, I just wanted
2
00:00:07.509 --> 00:00:10.869
to let you know that it's being
developed as a side project for my main
3
00:00:10.949 --> 00:00:15.470
work, which is now heading up
content strategy for an early stage media startup
4
00:00:15.509 --> 00:00:20.190
called better, spelled, betr.
We're a digital media company that creates and
5
00:00:20.309 --> 00:00:25.019
curates uplifting stories to help people move
forward in life with hope, confidence and
6
00:00:25.100 --> 00:00:30.859
acceptance. We offer written, video
and audio content spending categories such as wellness,
7
00:00:31.260 --> 00:00:34.340
mental health, humanity and more.
Is really something for everyone at better,
8
00:00:34.500 --> 00:00:37.850
whether you need to pick me up
content, personal stories about overcoming life
9
00:00:37.969 --> 00:00:41.810
and mental health challenges, story that
gives you the push to start that business
10
00:00:41.850 --> 00:00:45.450
you've always dreamed of, or just
inspiration on bettering yourself as a human.
11
00:00:46.490 --> 00:00:50.960
To simplify its content that makes you
feel better and dream of a more positive
12
00:00:50.960 --> 00:00:55.159
world around you. So check out
better and find your new favorite video series,
13
00:00:55.240 --> 00:01:00.880
podcast or written column. Just go
to live bettercom l I ve betrcom
14
00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:04.989
or, if you like watching videos
on Youtube, subscribe to better on youtubecom
15
00:01:06.030 --> 00:01:10.549
slash betr media and, lastly,
make sure you follow us on instagram and
16
00:01:10.629 --> 00:01:15.790
twitter at Betr for some daily inspiration, nats and feel good content to your
17
00:01:15.829 --> 00:01:19.060
social media feeds, because who doesn't
need that right now? All right,
18
00:01:19.140 --> 00:01:40.409
now, here's the show. I
remember it all started with a text message
19
00:01:40.409 --> 00:01:44.609
of a picture. You were sitting
on some stairs with a Jersey over your
20
00:01:44.689 --> 00:01:49.000
white Tshirt, smoking a cigarette,
with your hat cock backwards, and how
21
00:01:49.079 --> 00:01:53.000
a glance at actually thought it was
me. At first. I remember responding
22
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:56.480
and confusion on my sister, asking
who could have taken this and how she
23
00:01:56.519 --> 00:02:00.239
could have gotten this picture, but
she replied in laughter saying that's not you,
24
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:04.189
that's Mac Miller, but as crazy
as you to actually look really similar.
25
00:02:04.230 --> 00:02:08.710
Let's see. It's funny because up
until that day I was always picked
26
00:02:08.750 --> 00:02:14.990
off for wearing my hat the exact
same way. I wore jerseys over my
27
00:02:15.110 --> 00:02:19.219
white tee's, match my hat down
on my nikes. I rocked a chain
28
00:02:19.300 --> 00:02:22.860
and even had two diamond ear rings. And now, thinking back, the
29
00:02:22.979 --> 00:02:25.860
first track I heard was another night. I remember this was probably back in
30
00:02:27.060 --> 00:02:30.810
two thousand and nine. Now I'm
crying when I hear two thousand and nine
31
00:02:30.849 --> 00:02:32.849
because well, you're gone man,
and I just wish you had made it
32
00:02:32.930 --> 00:02:37.530
through another night. It breaks my
heart knowing that you lost your fight,
33
00:02:38.330 --> 00:02:42.409
that you drowned after swimming with no
life guard in sight, that you can't
34
00:02:42.409 --> 00:02:45.919
come back to Earth, but know
that you didn't die. You change the
35
00:02:45.960 --> 00:02:49.280
world, Mac Miller, and your
story will save lives. And I'm not
36
00:02:49.400 --> 00:02:53.120
talking about the story that played out
on the news that this spun that Shit
37
00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:57.080
as another case of the celebrity blues
and rocked up their views by adding their
38
00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:00.669
political too. But it didn't make
sense because, well, that's not your
39
00:03:00.750 --> 00:03:04.990
truth. And now it's been tweeted
about so much that it's a trending topic.
40
00:03:05.669 --> 00:03:07.389
Mental health is in the media and
all the campaigns want to do is
41
00:03:07.430 --> 00:03:12.069
talk about it. But let's just
stop it, because, well, outlets
42
00:03:12.110 --> 00:03:16.259
are busy politicking, the people in
pain will just keep dropping. You'll keep
43
00:03:16.259 --> 00:03:21.699
describing pills for patients to keep popping
and ignoring the silent ones that till the
44
00:03:21.699 --> 00:03:25.139
bottle from the bottle and pour every
last drop in. These are cries for
45
00:03:25.259 --> 00:03:30.289
help. I'm not sure how we
can't see the problem. Will wage a
46
00:03:30.330 --> 00:03:35.370
war on drugs, but not fixed
worthy pain evolves from and every single day
47
00:03:35.409 --> 00:03:38.409
there's another story silenced, just like
the most dope artist from the Berg that
48
00:03:38.490 --> 00:03:43.439
just couldn't find a balance. He
cried out through his music, but somehow
49
00:03:43.479 --> 00:03:46.840
we didn't notice, and that's why, so it goes, is the last
50
00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:52.599
saying that he posted. How the
fuck did we blow this? When will
51
00:03:52.639 --> 00:03:55.150
we learn that we all have our
hardships, that it doesn't matter if you're
52
00:03:55.189 --> 00:04:00.550
an average Joe and athlete, actor
or artist, that being intentional with those
53
00:04:00.590 --> 00:04:03.349
around us is really what it starts
with? Now I can't take the silence
54
00:04:03.389 --> 00:04:08.909
anymore. It's deafening, so I'll
go first. I'll be honest. My
55
00:04:08.990 --> 00:04:12.460
name is Kyle and I struggle with
my mental health, but I also have
56
00:04:12.539 --> 00:04:15.539
a degree in make six figures.
So it might be hard to tell,
57
00:04:15.620 --> 00:04:18.660
but if you look closely in my
eyes, I promise you'll see my health.
58
00:04:20.459 --> 00:04:24.970
The water has been rising at my
feet for fourteen years. Peddle late
59
00:04:25.050 --> 00:04:28.529
for Kofee now, and I don't
want to be a statistic or story.
60
00:04:28.569 --> 00:04:31.370
People tell of the kid they knew
growing up and way too small of a
61
00:04:31.449 --> 00:04:35.290
town, whose fight was completely invisible
till he was six feet in the ground.
62
00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.160
Well, I'm the author of this
story right now and I don't like
63
00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:45.720
the way that sounds. And now
I won't wait any longer. Knowing there's
64
00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:48.120
millions that need help. And,
by the way, that number is including
65
00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:51.800
myself. So, if there's one
last thing I do, I want to
66
00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:56.470
turn this around, because I know
deep down that my story is bigger than
67
00:04:56.509 --> 00:05:01.550
myself. So now, instead of
being quiet, let's stand up and fight
68
00:05:01.589 --> 00:05:05.949
a stigma. Let's educate our country
that your conditions don't define you. And
69
00:05:06.579 --> 00:05:11.500
please believe me when I say you're
not suffering alone, that there are millions
70
00:05:11.579 --> 00:05:17.060
upon millions out there like you,
with conditions of their own. So stand
71
00:05:17.180 --> 00:05:21.810
with me and help spread the message
that we're all in this together and help
72
00:05:21.930 --> 00:05:27.889
teach society a lesson so one day
we can teach our children to speak about
73
00:05:27.930 --> 00:05:31.209
their truth, their pain, their
struggles and the reality that they're going through.
74
00:05:33.610 --> 00:05:39.399
Please, before we read of another
silent story, quit sleeping on this
75
00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:45.600
issue. I know I'm finally awake. Good Morning. Now, looking back
76
00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:48.040
and makes me sad. I never
thought that we would have had more in
77
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:53.670
common than the way we wore our
hats, but I guess mental health has
78
00:05:53.790 --> 00:06:00.350
no borders and shit, that's a
fact. Cheers to a bright soul gone
79
00:06:00.430 --> 00:06:18.009
too soon. Rest easy, Mac
I remember telling my girlfriend to day.
80
00:06:18.009 --> 00:06:21.610
I was like, yeah, will
went for two hours I'm or went for
81
00:06:21.649 --> 00:06:25.089
an hour or something and I'm not
going to be on there more than forty
82
00:06:25.129 --> 00:06:28.290
five minutes because I'm a I'm gonna
have a panic attack and I'll be honest,
83
00:06:28.329 --> 00:06:31.879
I've probably had for panic attacks during
this episode, but I didn't care
84
00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:34.800
because like that, that's what this
is, right, that's why I'm on
85
00:06:34.959 --> 00:06:43.399
here. So like it is,
it is. It is the epitome of
86
00:06:43.560 --> 00:07:05.500
what we're doing. Hey Everyone,
I'm John William. This is creative AF
87
00:07:06.500 --> 00:07:12.180
podcast that dives smack DAB into the
messy intersection of creativity and mental health,
88
00:07:12.779 --> 00:07:20.209
sharing stories of your highest hies and
your lowest lows. What you just heard
89
00:07:20.290 --> 00:07:24.610
there was a poem written by our
next guest and former colleague of mine,
90
00:07:24.730 --> 00:07:30.000
Kyle chooses. The poem title Good
Morning is a reflection of the impact Mac
91
00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:34.439
Miller had on Kyle's life and the
importance our mental health journeys and stories can
92
00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:42.879
have on just one person's life.
That journey started off very early for Kyle
93
00:07:44.120 --> 00:07:46.910
when he was growing up as a
skater and self proclaimed rebel during the early
94
00:07:46.990 --> 00:07:51.269
two thousand s. He could always
feel that something wasn't quite right. Struggling
95
00:07:51.310 --> 00:07:56.230
through a messy divorce of his parents
and dealing with some early loss of some
96
00:07:56.470 --> 00:08:00.860
close friends. Kyle had to make
some very important decisions on how to move
97
00:08:00.939 --> 00:08:05.459
forward with his education and how serious
he needed to be in taking things even
98
00:08:05.500 --> 00:08:11.180
though, as you'll hear, the
best decision wasn't always made. Now,
99
00:08:11.540 --> 00:08:13.850
while many of the stories we've told
in the show have revolved around the struggles
100
00:08:13.889 --> 00:08:18.889
and pressures of sports, design and
creativity, what Kyle realized was that those
101
00:08:18.930 --> 00:08:22.970
dream jobs he would have would certainly
have an effect on him personally and his
102
00:08:24.089 --> 00:08:28.879
mental health. But his story shows
us that so many of the external elements
103
00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:33.440
in our lives, outside of our
jobs, can also be primary contributors to
104
00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:39.759
our personal mental health issues. This
life journey that we wake up in every
105
00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:43.070
day isn't easy and sometimes we can
actually use our jobs as an escape for
106
00:08:43.149 --> 00:08:48.190
the reality of what our home in
personal life maybe similar to many of us.
107
00:08:48.230 --> 00:08:52.149
Through hard work and a lot of
self proclaimed luck, Kyle landed in
108
00:08:52.230 --> 00:08:58.059
some amazing sports design jobs, but
also experience the other side of design life
109
00:08:58.059 --> 00:09:03.940
as a uxui in praduct designer for
a few different digital agencies. Starting off,
110
00:09:03.940 --> 00:09:07.820
though, Kyle's love of sports was
manifested through his love of skateboarding.
111
00:09:07.940 --> 00:09:13.409
He was good at it. He
found that skateboarding culture was driven by art
112
00:09:13.649 --> 00:09:18.769
and design in everything from the boards
themselves to the clothing lines and the brands
113
00:09:18.769 --> 00:09:22.850
associated with him. This passion led
him to some really interesting places throughout his
114
00:09:22.889 --> 00:09:33.399
childhood. I started skateboarding at seven
years old, like I said, to
115
00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:37.200
try and distance myself, I think
at the time, you know, obviously
116
00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:39.750
I didn't know what I was doing
at the time, bluster, trying to
117
00:09:39.909 --> 00:09:46.309
find something to give myself some independence, some space, something to express myself.
118
00:09:46.909 --> 00:09:56.179
And from seven until nineteen skateboarding was
my life. So I grew up
119
00:09:56.179 --> 00:10:01.539
skating with all the neighborhood kids.
I ended up getting sponsored around I think
120
00:10:03.059 --> 00:10:09.009
twelve or thirteen years old. Worked
in a bunch of skate shops, competed
121
00:10:09.049 --> 00:10:15.570
all over California and a circuit called
Castle California, which skateboarding league. So
122
00:10:15.730 --> 00:10:18.649
it really became a big, big
part of my life, big part of
123
00:10:18.690 --> 00:10:24.799
my identity from a very young age
and I remember the first time I ever
124
00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:35.990
ever recognized art was at my first
skateboarding competition in the castle organization. I
125
00:10:37.429 --> 00:10:43.230
was at a Skate Park in Sacramento
and I was doing warmups and I was
126
00:10:43.350 --> 00:10:48.590
sitting on top of this this quarter
pipe, and I'm looking down at my
127
00:10:48.669 --> 00:10:50.899
shoes and I had on some some
new nikes that my parents have bought me
128
00:10:52.019 --> 00:10:56.100
for the competition, which, by
the way, is the worst thing to
129
00:10:56.259 --> 00:11:01.659
do to skate new shoes right the
competition. So that didn't go so well.
130
00:11:01.740 --> 00:11:03.649
But I'm sitting there on the quarter
pipe and I looked down and I
131
00:11:03.730 --> 00:11:09.129
see this Nike logo on the sole
of my shoe. Is it was all
132
00:11:09.250 --> 00:11:16.730
black new buck shoe with a gray, dark gray soul, and the the
133
00:11:16.769 --> 00:11:20.240
Nike logo was also dark gray and
it was just embossed into the shoe.
134
00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:26.799
So I'm sitting there and I'm looking
at it and I'm noticing all the Nike
135
00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:31.679
Logos around the competition, because there's
tons of banners and apparel and merchandise everywhere,
136
00:11:33.309 --> 00:11:35.990
and I thought to myself, someone
got paid to make that logo.
137
00:11:37.230 --> 00:11:41.870
And I must have been ten,
ten years old, eleven years old,
138
00:11:43.470 --> 00:11:48.779
and so that was really my first
introduction into how art played a part in
139
00:11:48.940 --> 00:11:54.940
my world. The things I wore
this everyone the skateboards I I was riding
140
00:11:56.860 --> 00:12:03.450
to the companies that I liked in
skateboarding and I started to put that together
141
00:12:03.570 --> 00:12:07.009
with all the sports that I was
into. Right. So I grew up
142
00:12:07.450 --> 00:12:13.370
in a big sports family. My
Dad Played College Ball. Every one of
143
00:12:13.409 --> 00:12:16.720
my family's from Long Island, New
York, except for me. I'm the
144
00:12:16.799 --> 00:12:20.440
only West coaster my family. So
that's why I'm the weird one, I
145
00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:24.399
think. But you know, I
grew up in a big, big Yankees
146
00:12:24.519 --> 00:12:28.879
household. Grew up watching every game
with my dad, you know, listening
147
00:12:28.919 --> 00:12:33.149
to Frank Sinatra, New York,
New York every time they won, and
148
00:12:35.629 --> 00:12:37.990
those are some really fond memories.
And I started putting all of this,
149
00:12:39.710 --> 00:12:46.220
this connection to art in my life
through through skateboarding and through sports. But
150
00:12:46.340 --> 00:12:52.700
it wasn't until much later that that
became an idea to pursue as as a
151
00:12:52.860 --> 00:13:05.929
career. Skateboards were in our just
these beautiful canvases, right, and so
152
00:13:05.490 --> 00:13:11.210
I remember that as well, you
know, growing up and my boards were
153
00:13:11.250 --> 00:13:13.960
it and like you didn't you got
a scrape on it. You were pissed,
154
00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:18.240
but that was like part of life. And now you know arts and
155
00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:24.519
in the street arts scene and what
complex is done for normalizing you know that
156
00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:28.669
skateboard life and in street where life. You know I mean it's it is
157
00:13:28.789 --> 00:13:31.909
all art and is one hundred percent
focused on that. We there any early
158
00:13:33.029 --> 00:13:37.110
influence you had that you remember?
I Know Rob Dardek was a big one.
159
00:13:37.149 --> 00:13:41.460
I used to watch the for on
one videos, used to fall asleep
160
00:13:41.580 --> 00:13:48.259
to h a f on one issue
videos. He was a big he was
161
00:13:48.299 --> 00:13:52.379
a big role model for me.
Not only did I like his actual skate
162
00:13:52.460 --> 00:13:56.129
style, but the way he liked
presented himself, is his sense of humor,
163
00:13:56.370 --> 00:13:58.889
and he had this a little bit
of like there was when I was
164
00:13:58.929 --> 00:14:03.649
skating. It was either you were
fresh you're hash. So you're like,
165
00:14:03.409 --> 00:14:07.970
you know, wearing all the baggy
clothes and you know, backwards hats and
166
00:14:07.009 --> 00:14:11.279
DC and all that stuff. You
were Hash and you're wearing you know,
167
00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:16.200
more like black label or some of
them, some of those tighter clothes and
168
00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:20.759
tighter, you know, beat up
shoes, and I was much more on
169
00:14:20.840 --> 00:14:24.909
the fresh side, and so is
Rob Derdek, and so I grew up
170
00:14:26.029 --> 00:14:31.509
being really influenced by his videos and
everything he was doing. And you're right
171
00:14:31.590 --> 00:14:35.429
when you say, you know,
there are canvas, because it's it's the
172
00:14:35.629 --> 00:14:43.220
biggest opportunity to be an individual at
such a young age, because all the
173
00:14:43.259 --> 00:14:46.460
other sports. You know, you're
playing with a team, which is great
174
00:14:46.460 --> 00:14:52.779
because you learned teamwork and collaboration and
communication, but to be able to have
175
00:14:52.970 --> 00:14:58.409
that independence to spress yourself and and
find who you want to be rather than
176
00:14:58.450 --> 00:15:03.169
wearing a uniform that fits in with
everybody else. I think there was so
177
00:15:03.250 --> 00:15:07.480
much, so much that shaped me
at that time because of that that that
178
00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.279
would, you know, transcend into
who I am as an adult. Sure.
179
00:15:13.159 --> 00:15:20.000
So, so you were skating,
you're skating professionally and and then you
180
00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:24.269
got out of high school. What
did you do next? Yeah, so
181
00:15:24.830 --> 00:15:28.190
actually, speaking of high school,
take a little bit of a step back.
182
00:15:28.190 --> 00:15:33.230
Sure. Yeah. So when I
got to high school, I was
183
00:15:33.590 --> 00:15:39.059
living at my my mom's house.
My mom is, you know, she
184
00:15:39.139 --> 00:15:43.980
has had a really long battle with
physical disabilities. She's an amazing mom,
185
00:15:45.179 --> 00:15:48.299
you know. She never, she
never let anything she was going through,
186
00:15:48.500 --> 00:15:54.129
you know, really affect my day
to day. She did everything she could
187
00:15:54.169 --> 00:15:56.289
to make sure that she had a
smile on and there's food on the table.
188
00:15:58.570 --> 00:16:02.850
But you know, sometimes she had
her bad days, just like you
189
00:16:02.970 --> 00:16:07.000
know, everyone does, whether it's
a physical or mental obstacle that you're trying
190
00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:14.120
to overcome, and a lot of
times I didn't have any supervision and that
191
00:16:14.279 --> 00:16:18.750
led to a lot of truancy issues
at school. So I was choosing skateboarding
192
00:16:21.590 --> 00:16:25.830
over school. I honestly thought that's
what my career was going to be in
193
00:16:26.429 --> 00:16:29.029
at a young age and that's what
I was putting all on my I was
194
00:16:29.070 --> 00:16:33.500
putting all my eggs in that basket. And so school, I didn't learn
195
00:16:33.779 --> 00:16:38.940
it in the typical classroom environment as
well as others did. I'm a visual
196
00:16:40.019 --> 00:16:42.659
learner, which, you know,
obviously translates into how I ended up becoming
197
00:16:42.659 --> 00:16:47.019
a creative. I just had no
idea at the time. But yeah,
198
00:16:47.059 --> 00:16:52.330
so I'm at the local high school, or Grande High School, and it's
199
00:16:52.370 --> 00:16:57.809
sophomore year and I get called into
the my counselor's office out of nowhere and
200
00:16:59.649 --> 00:17:03.359
she in short, she basically tells
me I'm not going to graduate and that
201
00:17:04.119 --> 00:17:11.319
I'm already setting myself up to not
make much of myself in life, and
202
00:17:11.200 --> 00:17:18.509
not only looking back now, is
that like a really like misplaced conversation.
203
00:17:22.750 --> 00:17:25.430
Maybe not the best way to speak
to a, you know, a fifteen
204
00:17:25.470 --> 00:17:33.819
year old, but it was also
a wakeup call for me. The only
205
00:17:33.900 --> 00:17:36.700
thing was they didn't give me an
answer. So, you know, I
206
00:17:36.779 --> 00:17:40.819
said, well, what's next?
where I do because I come from,
207
00:17:40.980 --> 00:17:45.730
you know, my dad. He
is successful. He is a director of
208
00:17:45.809 --> 00:17:49.650
architecture team for a global financial company
and he's worked out for ten years.
209
00:17:49.690 --> 00:17:53.289
Before that he owned his own businesses. Of So my dad's done really well
210
00:17:53.329 --> 00:17:56.210
in business and I grew up seeing
that in that pressure is always kind of
211
00:17:56.250 --> 00:18:00.440
been on me. So, you
know, being in my shoes, you
212
00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:04.000
know, knowing that in that moment
I'm thinking our crap, like I'm I'm
213
00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:07.440
already letting I'm already letting my family
down on Monday fift I'm only fifteen years
214
00:18:07.440 --> 00:18:15.150
old. You know, maybe the
skateboarding things just a dream and I need
215
00:18:15.349 --> 00:18:18.589
I need to know what to do, and my counselor didn't tell me what
216
00:18:18.710 --> 00:18:22.150
to do. I actually went to
who was the more of the mental health
217
00:18:22.269 --> 00:18:26.220
counselor, if you could call it
that. He was more of just he
218
00:18:26.299 --> 00:18:30.740
seemed like just a homie. He
wasn't my actual school pointing counselor, but
219
00:18:30.859 --> 00:18:33.579
he worked at the school and that's
where we would ditch class to hang out
220
00:18:33.579 --> 00:18:41.529
at and he told me about a
continuation school. It's called Lopez High School.
221
00:18:42.250 --> 00:18:49.490
It's also in a royal grande,
but it had a program inside of
222
00:18:49.529 --> 00:18:52.250
it called Independent Studies, which I'm
sure a lot of people are familiar with,
223
00:18:52.890 --> 00:18:56.559
and so he suggested that independent study
would be the best route for me
224
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:00.880
to go if I had any shot
of getting back on track with my grades.
225
00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:06.960
But even then he told me that
coming back to rug grande high school
226
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:11.150
to graduate with my friends is,
you know, a slim, slim to
227
00:19:11.309 --> 00:19:17.029
none chance that that's going to happen. So, just based on other students,
228
00:19:17.109 --> 00:19:21.349
most of them don't come back.
And so I get to Lopez high
229
00:19:21.349 --> 00:19:25.460
school and I actually had a bunch
of friends there. You know, this
230
00:19:25.579 --> 00:19:29.740
is a small town, I guess
for context people listening, you know I'm
231
00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:30.900
in San Luis Abisspo right now,
which is a little bit more of a
232
00:19:30.980 --> 00:19:36.380
city, but a royal grande is
a small town. I think there's like
233
00:19:37.019 --> 00:19:40.809
fourteen thousand people growing up. I
mean there's much smaller towns, but it's
234
00:19:40.809 --> 00:19:45.130
still as still a pretty small town. And when there's only one high school,
235
00:19:45.369 --> 00:19:48.009
you know, one junior high,
stuff like that. So anyway,
236
00:19:48.130 --> 00:19:51.930
so I sign up for this continuation
school. I leave a Royal Grande High
237
00:19:51.930 --> 00:19:56.759
I go to this continuation school sign
up for independent studies and they give you
238
00:19:57.000 --> 00:20:03.079
homework two days a week and you're
there for two hours and then they just
239
00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:07.079
expect you to do it. So
a kid with truancy issues, with a
240
00:20:07.190 --> 00:20:12.230
bad home life and some mental health
stuff that you know, had started to
241
00:20:14.470 --> 00:20:18.910
surface that I wasn't really aware of
yet but was definitely manifesting itself, it
242
00:20:19.069 --> 00:20:22.420
was just a terrible idea. It
was just a perfect storm for me to
243
00:20:22.500 --> 00:20:26.339
fail, and so I did.
I took that as another opportunity, like
244
00:20:26.460 --> 00:20:32.019
hey, no one's watching me,
I feel weird about what's going on in
245
00:20:32.140 --> 00:20:36.609
my life and I'm going to go
skate because that's my escape. And so
246
00:20:36.690 --> 00:20:38.690
I did. I would grab my
homework, I'd leave school at zero am
247
00:20:38.730 --> 00:20:45.809
and I'd had about forty minutes north
to go skate Skate Park and there'd be
248
00:20:45.849 --> 00:20:48.049
no one there. I put in
my headphones and I'd be there for hours,
249
00:20:48.089 --> 00:20:52.759
until the sun went down, I
would say. That's when I peeked
250
00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:59.680
at skateboarding. Yeah, so I
wasn't that mad about it, but at
251
00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:06.269
the end of the day I was
failing myself because I wasn't taking my future
252
00:21:06.269 --> 00:21:10.029
seriously. I wasn't acknowledging what was
going on at home and how is affecting
253
00:21:10.069 --> 00:21:15.990
me. I wasn't acknowledging how my
mental health was manifesting in my life,
254
00:21:22.539 --> 00:21:26.980
and so I guess to skip ahead
to like the pinnacle of all this is
255
00:21:30.140 --> 00:21:37.930
I had to enroll in Lopez full
time and as a regular student, independent
256
00:21:37.970 --> 00:21:42.730
study, and it it was that
was that was the biggest shock to my
257
00:21:44.089 --> 00:21:51.079
system, because I kind of just
roadless road this like, you know,
258
00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:55.759
idea of everything's going to work out
in the end, because this is a
259
00:21:55.799 --> 00:22:00.589
world grande and I, you know, come from a successful family and everything's
260
00:22:00.630 --> 00:22:03.990
just going to work out right.
I'm writing this idea of like privilege and
261
00:22:04.109 --> 00:22:08.390
skateboarding and whatever it was. Well, now I'm in a completely different environment
262
00:22:08.829 --> 00:22:14.470
with people who have completely different backgrounds, come from completely different walks of life.
263
00:22:15.710 --> 00:22:18.700
You know, a lot of kids
in that school had much more broken
264
00:22:18.740 --> 00:22:23.059
family situation since and I did,
and it was a very rough environment and
265
00:22:25.740 --> 00:22:29.059
I remember being in there and saying, what am I doing? Where am
266
00:22:29.099 --> 00:22:33.890
I like? This isn't this isn't
where I'm supposed to be. And that
267
00:22:34.049 --> 00:22:45.839
school only had three electives. So
one was jewelry, one was, I
268
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:52.519
think, like theater or something and
then the other was digital art, and
269
00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:55.880
you end up taking all three of
them and I made some some pretty Badass
270
00:22:55.880 --> 00:23:02.630
jewelry, if I may say so. But I remember taking digital art and
271
00:23:03.470 --> 00:23:07.990
at this point I was still I
wasn't motivated. I was just kind of
272
00:23:07.470 --> 00:23:12.339
on autopilot, going with the flow, and my teacher comes up to me
273
00:23:12.900 --> 00:23:19.380
and is we're learning photoshop at the
time and he says, Oh, Hey,
274
00:23:19.460 --> 00:23:22.539
you know, that's pretty great.
I don't even remember what we were
275
00:23:22.579 --> 00:23:26.250
creating. I think it was just
photo manipulation tests. And he's like how
276
00:23:26.289 --> 00:23:32.690
would you like to do a project
for the school? And although I strongly
277
00:23:32.769 --> 00:23:37.970
disliked the school, I was like
yeah, that sure, I don't even
278
00:23:37.970 --> 00:23:41.329
know what I'm doing, but I'd
love to. Like someone's telling me I'm
279
00:23:41.369 --> 00:23:44.839
good at something other than skateboarding.
It was like wait, what, I
280
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.440
can I can do something else.
I'm somebody else other than just me on
281
00:23:48.519 --> 00:23:53.000
a skateboard. And so I did
that project and it was like the bell
282
00:23:53.160 --> 00:24:03.950
schedule, something funny, and the
principal saw and he had some meeting with
283
00:24:03.109 --> 00:24:08.589
some district people and they saw and
they asked me to do some design work
284
00:24:08.710 --> 00:24:12.099
that was going to go up up
in schools across the district and I was
285
00:24:12.180 --> 00:24:15.140
like, again, I don't feel
like I'm qualified to be doing this,
286
00:24:15.380 --> 00:24:21.660
but sure, why not? And
I remember that morning when they asked me
287
00:24:21.700 --> 00:24:37.529
to do that was what changed my
entire life. I'm standing outside of Lopez
288
00:24:37.569 --> 00:24:41.519
high school and it's probably like N
am and it's morning and it's, you
289
00:24:41.599 --> 00:24:45.480
know where, by the ocean,
so it's crisp and I'm standing out there
290
00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.799
and I'm just thinking about, for
some reason, all the weight of just
291
00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:53.549
like the pressure that I put on
myself of, you know, coming from
292
00:24:53.549 --> 00:24:59.069
a successful family and, you know, trying to live up to those standards
293
00:24:59.109 --> 00:25:02.750
eventually, and where I was at, you know, the situation I'd put
294
00:25:02.750 --> 00:25:07.740
myself in, and I'm thinking,
you know, is graphic design like a
295
00:25:07.859 --> 00:25:15.299
thing you can get paid to do? Because at that point my my ideas
296
00:25:15.380 --> 00:25:21.299
were either I was going to have
a career and skateboarding or I was going
297
00:25:21.299 --> 00:25:26.289
to join the military. I always
had this feeling inside myself of always wanting
298
00:25:26.289 --> 00:25:30.529
to do something bigger than myself,
and so I've it's skateboarding didn't work out.
299
00:25:30.609 --> 00:25:34.210
I was strongly interested in enjoying the
military. A lot of people don't
300
00:25:34.210 --> 00:25:37.440
know that I really don't talk about
that because I didn't end up joining it,
301
00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:42.279
so it's not something I share a
lot, but I just remember thinking
302
00:25:42.319 --> 00:25:47.839
that they like if graphic design is
something I can do, like I really
303
00:25:47.880 --> 00:25:52.670
want to get my shit together and
I really want to become like the person
304
00:25:52.750 --> 00:25:56.910
that I'm able to be sure I
have all these these resources, tools,
305
00:25:56.950 --> 00:26:00.069
support system, like people that are
rooting for me that can help me get
306
00:26:00.069 --> 00:26:06.339
to these places. I get to
decide what my life looks like. So
307
00:26:06.500 --> 00:26:08.500
if this is something I can do, I want to pursue it. And
308
00:26:08.579 --> 00:26:14.099
after I found out that people get
paid to design stuff on a regular basis,
309
00:26:14.099 --> 00:26:15.980
I think I think I remember doing
research. At the time it was
310
00:26:17.140 --> 00:26:23.049
like the the you know, graphic
design managers or directors were maybe making like
311
00:26:23.170 --> 00:26:26.529
Fiftyzero dollars a year. Yeah,
and so it's not like I was in
312
00:26:26.609 --> 00:26:30.369
it for the money at all,
right, I was just in it to
313
00:26:30.569 --> 00:26:33.759
be creative and have a career.
And I remember, after learning about that,
314
00:26:34.039 --> 00:26:37.599
I didn't even know that sports is
on was a thing. I just
315
00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:40.880
told my dad, Hey, I'm
going to be a graphic designer for the
316
00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:45.839
New York Yankees on this and he's
like, what do you mean? I
317
00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:48.029
was like I, if it's a
thing, I'm going to do it right,
318
00:26:49.910 --> 00:26:55.309
which that's awesome. Yeah, which
follow which, you know, led
319
00:26:55.390 --> 00:26:57.390
to the following question, which I
hear all the time to this day.
320
00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:04.980
Why does a sports organization need a
designer? Well, in what year was
321
00:27:06.099 --> 00:27:08.819
that? so that I was seventeen. That was two thousand and seven.
322
00:27:10.180 --> 00:27:14.819
Okay, so facebook was one year
old. Yeah, I didn't. I
323
00:27:14.859 --> 00:27:18.089
don't think I had a facebook yet. Yeah, no, it in because
324
00:27:18.130 --> 00:27:21.930
you had to have any do you
address at that point, and they were
325
00:27:22.250 --> 00:27:25.690
just, you know, getting around, and so you know, there was
326
00:27:25.849 --> 00:27:29.730
no there was no social media.
You know, we weren't designing back then
327
00:27:29.970 --> 00:27:33.240
for that, and so it's a
valid question, you know, because I
328
00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:34.680
don't think many of us knew,
even though we were. You know,
329
00:27:34.920 --> 00:27:41.519
I had just started with the diamondbacks
at that point, and and so you
330
00:27:41.599 --> 00:27:44.279
know, certainly there was you know, I need when most it was in
331
00:27:44.349 --> 00:27:48.990
game or or just traditional marketing like
we had, like we have been doing
332
00:27:48.109 --> 00:27:53.549
before the social media really, you
know, exploded. So you mentioned one
333
00:27:53.589 --> 00:27:59.819
thing. You know, you had
some early signals that that maybe not everything
334
00:28:00.019 --> 00:28:03.220
was right. Tell me more about
that. What we're we're those signals.
335
00:28:03.259 --> 00:28:07.140
That said, okay, you know, maybe dealing with some mental health things
336
00:28:07.180 --> 00:28:10.859
here, but I don't really know
what that is. Yeah, great question
337
00:28:10.900 --> 00:28:12.650
and I'm kind of glad now we
set that up with the the skateboarding.
338
00:28:14.450 --> 00:28:19.210
I think that's a good segue because
that's when it really started to manifest itself
339
00:28:19.250 --> 00:28:27.480
again. I was so young that
I wasn't self aware enough to know that
340
00:28:27.559 --> 00:28:33.000
there are mental health issues and I
didn't have enough supervision on a regular basis
341
00:28:33.160 --> 00:28:37.720
or friends that were old enough or
other family members I had gone through anything
342
00:28:37.839 --> 00:28:40.920
to recognize it. So I was
really dealing with it on my own.
343
00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:44.869
But how it started, and this
is really interesting. I've only I've only
344
00:28:44.950 --> 00:28:51.869
shared this one other time, is
it started to actually push myself as a
345
00:28:51.950 --> 00:28:57.900
mechanism to push myself in my competitions, so to speak. Freely about this
346
00:28:59.099 --> 00:29:02.819
feels good for me because it sounds
so messed up, but it had the
347
00:29:02.900 --> 00:29:06.500
best intentions and you know, I
actually don't even think my family knows this,
348
00:29:06.579 --> 00:29:07.259
so will be interesting to see what
they say when they hear this.
349
00:29:07.779 --> 00:29:15.930
But I would tell myself when I
was practicing at home, to think about
350
00:29:15.009 --> 00:29:23.640
something bad happening to someone you love
and that if you don't commit to that
351
00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:30.680
trick the hardest that you possibly can, that something bad could possibly happen.
352
00:29:37.589 --> 00:29:44.269
And now a lot of people listening
to this and back while I was discussing
353
00:29:44.349 --> 00:29:47.549
why would you even go there in
your mind? But I mean, that
354
00:29:47.670 --> 00:29:51.589
comes from not knowing my heart.
And for the people that don't know me,
355
00:29:52.069 --> 00:29:55.380
which is going to be the majority
of people listening, is like my
356
00:29:55.579 --> 00:29:59.059
life is based on relationships and it's
based on other you know, putting other
357
00:29:59.140 --> 00:30:04.740
people first, and I value I
value people in my life. I have
358
00:30:04.779 --> 00:30:11.369
a small circle of very close friends
and and that's just how I live my
359
00:30:11.410 --> 00:30:15.089
life. So I care very deeply
for the people around me and how I
360
00:30:15.210 --> 00:30:21.009
affect them. And and so that
that mechanism was for me to step my
361
00:30:21.130 --> 00:30:22.839
game up. Like there was never
a situation in my mind where I would
362
00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:27.400
say that and I wouldn't try my
hardest. And so in my mind I
363
00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:34.950
was controlling the situation right and I
mean it's sad to say that it worked,
364
00:30:37.869 --> 00:30:45.309
and I guess I could kind of
say like I created the monster because
365
00:30:45.390 --> 00:30:52.980
although that technique may have worked in
in competition, it's spiraled out of control
366
00:30:53.019 --> 00:30:56.500
very quickly in my personal life.
So I'll give you two examples of the
367
00:30:56.579 --> 00:31:00.900
highs and lows of that. And
so the high would be I was skating
368
00:31:00.940 --> 00:31:07.730
state championships down in Los Angeles,
in Ontario, California and its state championships,
369
00:31:07.769 --> 00:31:11.490
and it's castle, and so a
lot of people are familiar with castle.
370
00:31:11.650 --> 00:31:15.130
But the California unfer skateboarding league,
a lot of guys who ended up
371
00:31:15.130 --> 00:31:21.640
going pro came out of or Ryan
Sheckler, Niga Houston, who's the most
372
00:31:21.680 --> 00:31:23.599
famous skateboarder in the world, most
wellpaid skateboard in the world right now,
373
00:31:26.920 --> 00:31:30.000
and so those guys are all there. Tony Hawks there, Riley Hawk,
374
00:31:30.119 --> 00:31:33.950
his son was it, you know
he we're all warming up together, we're
375
00:31:33.990 --> 00:31:40.349
all shooting the shit. So when
I'm skating in front of these guys,
376
00:31:40.710 --> 00:31:44.190
it was a high to be able
to have this tool in my belt to
377
00:31:44.309 --> 00:31:49.660
make me skate better in front of
these people. But when I got home
378
00:31:51.859 --> 00:31:55.099
all of that goes away right there's
no rams, there's no announcer, there's
379
00:31:55.140 --> 00:31:59.980
no music, there's no you know, skateboarding prodigies, it's just me and
380
00:32:00.140 --> 00:32:12.690
my thoughts, and that tool quickly
became something that would play a big part.
381
00:32:12.769 --> 00:32:15.920
Like it was a big disruption in
my day. It would be.
382
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:19.480
It turned into what a lot of
people are familiar with, is OCD,
383
00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:25.119
is ritual, ritualistic thinking of like
after turn this light switch off like four
384
00:32:25.200 --> 00:32:30.750
times, I had to, you
know, if someone touched if one of
385
00:32:30.789 --> 00:32:31.829
my friends tap me on the shoulder, I had to tap them back.
386
00:32:34.670 --> 00:32:37.630
I had a tap my board four
times before I try to trick or I
387
00:32:37.789 --> 00:32:40.990
even stepped out my front door,
I couldn't step on certain cracks. I
388
00:32:42.069 --> 00:32:49.859
mean it started to become debilitating by
the time I was fourteen. I remember
389
00:32:50.779 --> 00:32:52.579
literally being on my knees in my
room crying because it was just so out
390
00:32:52.619 --> 00:33:22.720
of control. You mean this is
essentially it's negative reinforcement. Right, we
391
00:33:22.799 --> 00:33:25.039
can. We can get into discussions
a little later about some of the therapy
392
00:33:25.160 --> 00:33:30.109
that it goes in and some of
the psychology behind that. But you were
393
00:33:30.150 --> 00:33:39.549
reinforcing your positive actions with negative thought
and in but it didn't stay within that
394
00:33:39.789 --> 00:33:45.299
one that one area of your life. It started it started creeping into everything
395
00:33:45.539 --> 00:33:51.180
and you're alone with your thoughts and
you're thinking about that. How did that
396
00:33:51.220 --> 00:33:54.460
affects? That have that effect?
The the next stage, as you transitioned
397
00:33:54.539 --> 00:34:01.009
into art, school. Yeah,
great question. So OCD was the first
398
00:34:04.210 --> 00:34:09.079
symptoms, I guess, if you
want to label it now, I was
399
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:17.840
experiencing but as I got into high
school it became anxiety that played a large
400
00:34:17.920 --> 00:34:22.800
part in my relationships, not only
with my friends, with girl friends,
401
00:34:22.960 --> 00:34:29.590
with work, but in so after
I graduate high school, I decided to
402
00:34:30.070 --> 00:34:32.869
do the local community college. Saying
here. I studied graphic design for two
403
00:34:32.909 --> 00:34:37.820
years. I didn't finish my associates
because it was essentially just a high school
404
00:34:37.820 --> 00:34:47.099
reunion. So I was designing and
drinking and skateboarding. So I wasn't again,
405
00:34:47.139 --> 00:34:54.809
I was again not taking it seriously
until my girlfriend at the time she
406
00:34:55.409 --> 00:35:04.250
was moving down to Los Angeles for
Nursing School and she asked me if you
407
00:35:04.409 --> 00:35:06.690
know, hey, do you want
to move to Los Angeles? And I'm
408
00:35:06.730 --> 00:35:10.320
sitting here thinking like, I have
no job down there, I don't have
409
00:35:10.440 --> 00:35:16.159
a family that's willing to pay for
my college. I'm not I don't come
410
00:35:16.199 --> 00:35:22.429
from a family background that I can
receive special grants or anything. So I'm
411
00:35:22.429 --> 00:35:28.789
kind of up Shit's creek when it
comes to paying for college. And I
412
00:35:28.989 --> 00:35:32.389
was anxious about the idea of being
away from family and friends and my you
413
00:35:32.469 --> 00:35:37.019
know, my safety net, the
town I grew up in my whole life,
414
00:35:37.539 --> 00:35:45.059
and I cared a lot about this
this woman. And you know,
415
00:35:45.219 --> 00:35:50.170
I had plan done on, I
should say we had planned on, you
416
00:35:50.289 --> 00:35:52.130
know, US working out, and
so I said, you know, this
417
00:35:52.250 --> 00:35:54.929
is a sacrifice that you should make, and and so I did. I
418
00:35:55.170 --> 00:36:01.690
moved down to Los Angeles and it
was very it was a very anxious time
419
00:36:01.809 --> 00:36:07.920
in my life again, because I
had no support down there. I've spent
420
00:36:07.960 --> 00:36:09.920
a lot of time in Los Angeles
Skateboarding, so I knew that. I
421
00:36:09.960 --> 00:36:15.519
knew the area, which was a
little easier to step into. I was
422
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:17.480
the one being like, Oh,
yeah, I know we are when we're
423
00:36:17.480 --> 00:36:21.789
looking for houses and stuff, but
at the end of the day, like,
424
00:36:21.869 --> 00:36:25.670
I had no support system. I
was dealing with OCD and not I
425
00:36:27.269 --> 00:36:30.429
obviously didn't talk to my girlfriend about
that because at that time there's a lot
426
00:36:30.469 --> 00:36:37.699
of shame around talking about that type
of stuff and my anxiety. You know,
427
00:36:37.860 --> 00:36:43.260
she would see anxiety attacks, but
I still they were silent. You
428
00:36:43.380 --> 00:36:45.579
know, it wasn't apparent to her
until after we've been dating for a few
429
00:36:45.619 --> 00:36:49.849
years that she could really notice,
like the subtle science, that something was
430
00:36:49.849 --> 00:36:52.170
going on. What were the what
were some of those signs? I wasn't
431
00:36:52.170 --> 00:37:00.570
manifesting it was anxiety manifesting at that
point. Yeah, shortness of breath,
432
00:37:00.760 --> 00:37:08.760
tingling in my you know, my
arms and hands, temper, my tension
433
00:37:08.840 --> 00:37:15.070
span, my my level of energy
was a big one. So not having
434
00:37:15.110 --> 00:37:17.869
energy a lot to, you know, go out and do a lot of
435
00:37:17.909 --> 00:37:20.949
things. You know, you're in
Los Angeles, you're young, you're twenty
436
00:37:20.949 --> 00:37:25.389
years old, you want to go
explore the world and I didn't have energy
437
00:37:25.510 --> 00:37:30.860
do that a lot. So those
are some of the clear signs that something
438
00:37:30.940 --> 00:37:37.059
was changing, because it was literally
affecting was I was living my life out
439
00:37:37.099 --> 00:37:42.940
of avoidance, but at that point, compared to where it ended up in,
440
00:37:43.380 --> 00:37:52.369
you know, current time was very
miniscule. So you get down to
441
00:37:52.409 --> 00:37:59.679
La it's a girlfriends somewhat good on
the outside, you're fighting your demons on
442
00:37:59.800 --> 00:38:04.920
the inside. What did you end
up doing? How did that transition go
443
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:12.159
for it? So she enrolled in
a really prestigious nursing school and that moded
444
00:38:12.280 --> 00:38:16.429
meet. That motivated me to do
something. You know, I was I
445
00:38:16.590 --> 00:38:23.710
was working for some wedding photography company
and I was traveling back up to San
446
00:38:23.750 --> 00:38:28.900
Luis Obisspo, which is three hours
north, for weddings and stuff, and
447
00:38:29.059 --> 00:38:34.539
it just wasn't a feasible thing to
sustain. So I was like, I
448
00:38:34.659 --> 00:38:37.219
need to figure out a way to
move my life forward, because she is
449
00:38:37.260 --> 00:38:39.579
and I want to keep up.
And, you know, I didn't go.
450
00:38:39.900 --> 00:38:43.889
I didn't study graphic design for two
years and have this you know,
451
00:38:44.449 --> 00:38:46.250
mom smentum of you know, I
want to be a sports designer for nothing
452
00:38:46.329 --> 00:38:50.809
like. It's time to capitalize on
that, and so I just it was
453
00:38:50.849 --> 00:38:52.610
a big kick in the kick in
the ass for me watching, you know,
454
00:38:52.730 --> 00:39:00.400
her pursue her dreams. And so, without any I wanted to go
455
00:39:00.480 --> 00:39:07.920
to Otis, which is a prestigious
art school down in La I chose the
456
00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:15.030
less expensive of the two evils and
I went to the art institute in Santa
457
00:39:15.070 --> 00:39:21.590
Monica. What that looked like,
though, was twenty year old walking into,
458
00:39:22.070 --> 00:39:29.940
you know, a recruiting office and
being lied to about what that school
459
00:39:29.980 --> 00:39:37.019
could offer me. And at the
time I didn't know that. At the
460
00:39:37.099 --> 00:39:38.849
time I see like Oh, the
art institute. I see this name everywhere
461
00:39:38.849 --> 00:39:43.570
and you know, you guys are
telling me you have relationships with BMW and
462
00:39:43.610 --> 00:39:46.969
Nike and Adidas and activision and it
was right next door to us and I
463
00:39:47.050 --> 00:39:51.489
was like, I felt like I
was in this whole other world of opportunities,
464
00:39:52.079 --> 00:39:57.599
which was a facade, but you
know, that's a whole other story.
465
00:39:57.679 --> 00:40:00.039
So I ended up going to the
art institute. I was there for
466
00:40:00.199 --> 00:40:09.630
about six months and I remember finding
teamwork online probably like one or two months
467
00:40:09.670 --> 00:40:16.550
into into art school. And Teamwork
on line is is a job, a
468
00:40:16.590 --> 00:40:24.260
job board site that they post the
majority of sports jobs on, and it
469
00:40:24.579 --> 00:40:29.179
was. It's evolved a lot now, but at the time it was very
470
00:40:29.260 --> 00:40:36.570
simple and I made my profile on
there and I remember I had applied for
471
00:40:37.610 --> 00:40:44.130
some pretty at the time, big
positions I was not qualified to be applying
472
00:40:44.210 --> 00:40:50.159
for and kind of just shoot my
shot. And I remember it was it
473
00:40:50.280 --> 00:40:54.840
was midnight and I was on a
computer and I was as like I'm going
474
00:40:54.880 --> 00:41:00.480
to check teamwork online to to see, you know, if there's any new
475
00:41:00.679 --> 00:41:04.710
opportunities, and my girlfriend comes out
in the living room, you know,
476
00:41:04.789 --> 00:41:08.070
wondering why I'm still up and I'm
like just checking out new opportunities and she
477
00:41:08.190 --> 00:41:10.869
says, you know, is are
there any opportunities out there right now?
478
00:41:10.909 --> 00:41:14.349
And I was like, well,
it looks like there's one in Arizona,
479
00:41:15.389 --> 00:41:16.429
and she's the one that was like, well, pull it up, let's
480
00:41:16.429 --> 00:41:22.380
look at it. And so we
look at this opportunity for graphic design intern
481
00:41:22.380 --> 00:41:28.019
and Phoenix, Arizona, for the
diamondbacks, and and I go to close
482
00:41:28.059 --> 00:41:30.539
it. You know, I'm like, yeah, I'm in Los Angeles.
483
00:41:30.619 --> 00:41:32.690
How am I? So? I'm
in art school. How am I supposed
484
00:41:32.690 --> 00:41:36.809
to get there's no shot, I
have no background, I don't have a
485
00:41:36.889 --> 00:41:39.650
portfolio. Like what? I love
the Yankees. Yeah, I love the
486
00:41:39.690 --> 00:41:43.610
young. My Dad would kill me, like right, yeah, I suppose
487
00:41:43.849 --> 00:41:45.650
to do so she was like,
Hey, I think you should apply,
488
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:51.239
and I try to go to bed
without a Bot, without applying, and
489
00:41:51.320 --> 00:41:55.119
she made me apply for the position. So bless her heart because great,
490
00:41:55.280 --> 00:42:00.670
without knowing it, she sparked my
entire career. And so I did.
491
00:42:00.710 --> 00:42:05.710
I applied for the job, close
my computer and was like, I don't
492
00:42:05.750 --> 00:42:09.829
care if I don't hear anything back, because I don't expect to it to
493
00:42:09.949 --> 00:42:15.019
me. That was just like another
like Hail Mary. Yeah, sure.
494
00:42:16.260 --> 00:42:21.940
Two weeks later and get a call
from hr all right, email from hr
495
00:42:22.300 --> 00:42:24.619
and it's like hey, we got
your application. I want to set up
496
00:42:24.659 --> 00:42:30.210
a phone call. I stopped,
I was walking down the hallway into my
497
00:42:30.329 --> 00:42:35.250
house after school and I stopped there
and just kind of like looked around like
498
00:42:35.489 --> 00:42:38.210
is this reality for a second,
like do they get the right email?
499
00:42:38.369 --> 00:42:42.489
Did they say, Kyle, is
this? Is this, like, is
500
00:42:42.610 --> 00:42:51.559
this actually happening? And so that's
that's when this whole different life began,
501
00:42:51.880 --> 00:42:55.519
this opportunity to become someone into to
live out my dream was. was that
502
00:42:57.119 --> 00:43:00.269
that email? That that pushed to
a you know, apply for that position
503
00:43:00.349 --> 00:43:06.869
and taking that leap of faith going
to Los Angeles? Yea. So,
504
00:43:07.349 --> 00:43:12.389
so this starts the next chapter for
you and now you're in. Now you're
505
00:43:12.389 --> 00:43:21.900
in it, and being an intern
in professional sports is tough in certainly even
506
00:43:21.940 --> 00:43:23.860
back, and back then it was
it was different. You know, they
507
00:43:23.900 --> 00:43:30.090
were paid internships, but not all
internships were paid prior to or even some
508
00:43:30.289 --> 00:43:34.130
past and it was big for us
to make sure that you came in and
509
00:43:34.210 --> 00:43:37.610
got a great experience. Every intern
came in and got a great experience with
510
00:43:37.690 --> 00:43:42.320
us and and could learn, you
know, because this was something new for
511
00:43:42.440 --> 00:43:49.519
you coming coming through. How did
this this this first experience with the diamondbacks?
512
00:43:49.920 --> 00:43:52.440
Certainly I was there with you,
but it was quite a while,
513
00:43:52.920 --> 00:43:57.429
you know, AG and, and
we probably both have fuzzy memories from it.
514
00:43:57.750 --> 00:44:02.550
Yeah, it was. This was
which year was it again that you
515
00:44:02.630 --> 00:44:06.630
came? It was two thousand and
eleven. It was the big Ar Chee
516
00:44:07.429 --> 00:44:10.460
gave it a crazy time. That's
right. Oh Man, now it's all
517
00:44:10.500 --> 00:44:15.579
coming back to me. And in
we were hosting an Allstar game and we
518
00:44:15.739 --> 00:44:19.739
were, you know, we made
deep into the playoffs at that point.
519
00:44:20.739 --> 00:44:23.219
That was a crazy, crazy Yar. How did you handle it? Yeah,
520
00:44:23.369 --> 00:44:28.090
it was. It was crazy both
at the office and outside of the
521
00:44:28.130 --> 00:44:32.210
office. So two thousand and eleven
was, like we just mentioned, what
522
00:44:32.329 --> 00:44:39.440
started the next chapter for me,
because on a personal level I'm still fighting
523
00:44:39.559 --> 00:44:44.320
my demons, you know, with
anxiety and oh s D and, you
524
00:44:44.400 --> 00:44:49.079
know, a lot of problems,
with stuff from my childhood that I'm not
525
00:44:49.360 --> 00:44:58.150
processing. And when going through the
going through the process to get to Arizona,
526
00:44:58.230 --> 00:45:00.750
what a lot of people don't know, especially folks from the diamondbacks.
527
00:45:00.630 --> 00:45:04.389
I never shared these stories because you're
an intern, so you're like, I'm
528
00:45:04.469 --> 00:45:09.420
just thankful to be here. So
I actually sold an xbox in Compton,
529
00:45:09.500 --> 00:45:15.659
California to get a plane ticket to
fly out to my interview. Wow,
530
00:45:15.980 --> 00:45:20.380
that's a real story. What's cool, though, a little side story into
531
00:45:20.420 --> 00:45:22.969
that, is I was really scared
when I was down there. Again,
532
00:45:23.170 --> 00:45:27.809
from growing up in such a different
part of the world, you have these
533
00:45:27.889 --> 00:45:31.610
pre conceived ideas of what these areas
are and who these people are, which
534
00:45:31.610 --> 00:45:35.800
is exactly what our country is going
through right now. Sure, so I'm
535
00:45:35.800 --> 00:45:38.199
glad I had a wakeup call at
such a young age living in Los Angeles
536
00:45:38.239 --> 00:45:43.719
and experiencing, you know, that
world for myself. But that day I
537
00:45:43.880 --> 00:45:51.110
remember meeting this individual and and him
bringing me into a liquor store to test
538
00:45:51.269 --> 00:45:53.710
out the xbox because his friend own
the liquor store. There's a TV in
539
00:45:53.710 --> 00:46:00.429
the background. So we walk into
the liquor store and his buddies playing Tony
540
00:46:00.469 --> 00:46:05.579
Hawk, Pro Skater on ice on
that on his playstation, and so I
541
00:46:05.739 --> 00:46:09.300
got the biggest sigh of relief in
that moment because I was like, oh,
542
00:46:09.300 --> 00:46:13.260
okay, instant in it way to
be cool with these guys. So
543
00:46:13.300 --> 00:46:15.380
I was like, Oh, you
guys like skateboarding? There like yeah,
544
00:46:15.380 --> 00:46:17.059
you like Skateboards, I guess get
all the time, like no way,
545
00:46:17.099 --> 00:46:20.769
and they had a skateboard and I
did some trick when they're like, oh,
546
00:46:20.889 --> 00:46:22.369
this is so cool and we're all
playing Tony Hawk and everything was fun.
547
00:46:24.530 --> 00:46:29.210
So anyways, boy, my xbox
paid for my ticket. Thank you
548
00:46:29.289 --> 00:46:34.119
to that guy. But I get
out there, I go through the interview
549
00:46:34.159 --> 00:46:38.960
process. That in itself is is
very intimidating for a twenty year old to
550
00:46:39.599 --> 00:46:45.039
be sitting in a room overlooking the
first base line in chase field, which
551
00:46:45.039 --> 00:46:49.510
is one of the most beautiful stadiums
my opinion, and Major League Baseball,
552
00:46:50.949 --> 00:46:54.429
you know, like the also one
of the cleanest cities at the time to
553
00:46:54.789 --> 00:47:00.579
write. So I'm like awestruck.
You know, I'm not supposed to be
554
00:47:00.780 --> 00:47:05.260
here. Who let me in this
building? Why? Why are these people
555
00:47:05.260 --> 00:47:08.099
talking to me? I like,
I'm not qualified for this internship. So
556
00:47:12.179 --> 00:47:14.699
that all went well. You know, I ended up getting the internship,
557
00:47:15.010 --> 00:47:22.210
but I moved myself across from Los
Angeles to Phoenix, load up the U
558
00:47:22.289 --> 00:47:24.650
haul, loaded up my car on
a trailer, drove my uhaul out to
559
00:47:24.730 --> 00:47:28.449
Phoenix my car fell off the trailer
in the middle of the desert at four
560
00:47:28.489 --> 00:47:32.280
am. When I got there it
was a hundred and something degrees. It
561
00:47:32.360 --> 00:47:36.920
was six PM and I had to
move my stuff up a couple flights of
562
00:47:36.920 --> 00:47:45.550
stairs by myself. So just the
whole process was super stressful and it was
563
00:47:45.590 --> 00:47:49.030
all worth it at the time because
I was like this is my dream,
564
00:47:49.269 --> 00:47:52.230
but like you're going to do everything, whatever it takes to, you know,
565
00:47:52.389 --> 00:47:58.309
be a part of of that chapter
of your life. So I get
566
00:47:58.389 --> 00:48:05.739
there. I remember my first day
again, waking up and and just feeling
567
00:48:05.820 --> 00:48:10.019
like this is this is so surreal. Again, it's not the Yankees,
568
00:48:12.619 --> 00:48:17.889
but at that point all teams are
equal in my eyes, because getting to
569
00:48:19.050 --> 00:48:23.769
work in the Front Office of Major
League sports is like like you were talking
570
00:48:23.769 --> 00:48:29.079
about in wheels episode. I mean
that's some of the funniest and most like
571
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:39.320
fulfilling environments you can be in as
a creative professional. And so I remember
572
00:48:39.360 --> 00:48:45.510
my first day. I remember walking
in meeting the team just thinking it's crazy
573
00:48:45.630 --> 00:48:47.949
that I'm parked in the garage and
I'm the I have a badge to go
574
00:48:49.070 --> 00:48:52.670
up and down the elevator and,
you know, I'm in these meetings with
575
00:48:52.750 --> 00:48:57.860
all these people and they're saying all
these fancy things that I don't understand and
576
00:48:58.579 --> 00:49:01.380
it was amazing. I mean I
was on cloud nine. At twenty years
577
00:49:01.380 --> 00:49:05.219
old. I was like this is
it, I don't care what happens after
578
00:49:05.260 --> 00:49:08.300
this. Like no one from my
town had done that to my knowledge.
579
00:49:08.300 --> 00:49:13.650
I didn't know anyone that worked in
national sports. I didn't know any designers
580
00:49:13.730 --> 00:49:16.809
that worked in professional sports. And
here I was a graphic design intern and
581
00:49:16.849 --> 00:49:22.530
professional sports, only three years after
I was standing out front of that school
582
00:49:22.530 --> 00:49:25.840
that morning thinking hey, I want
to be a designer and Major League baseball.
583
00:49:28.880 --> 00:49:37.400
So that was pretty well how long
did the high of stepping into the
584
00:49:37.440 --> 00:49:44.590
stadium last year. It was a
very challenging environment to be in, not
585
00:49:44.750 --> 00:49:50.349
only as a professional but someone dealing
with a lot of personal demons and being
586
00:49:50.429 --> 00:49:54.699
super young. So I'm brand new
to being a professional in general, and
587
00:49:57.099 --> 00:49:59.699
you know to that real quick.
You know not to on the nose.
588
00:49:59.739 --> 00:50:04.820
But it was people like yourself,
Boyd Dustin Pain, who I interacted with
589
00:50:05.219 --> 00:50:12.289
on a daily basis, who really
like showed me that you can have fun
590
00:50:12.289 --> 00:50:15.530
and be a professional at the same
time and how to respect this. You
591
00:50:15.610 --> 00:50:22.159
know, the sport and the athletes, and had it not been for you
592
00:50:22.280 --> 00:50:25.320
guys, you know in in the
surrounding offices next to me, I would
593
00:50:25.320 --> 00:50:30.519
have had a much different experience.
And so you know, it's interesting now
594
00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:37.469
to come full circle and find out
that, although you and I were at
595
00:50:37.550 --> 00:50:40.230
the complete opposite ends of the spectrum
in terms of, you know, the
596
00:50:40.309 --> 00:50:49.309
ladder of the sports world, we
were both in very much of a similar
597
00:50:49.349 --> 00:50:52.460
position, yeah, when it came
to what was going on our personal lives
598
00:50:52.539 --> 00:50:58.579
and then how we were, you
know, although different tasks, having to
599
00:50:58.699 --> 00:51:02.860
fight through that every day to do
our jobs. You know. Also,
600
00:51:04.179 --> 00:51:09.650
big thank you too to Zach,
for he played a big role in my
601
00:51:09.809 --> 00:51:15.449
time there and was a big help
as well, especially transitioning out of the
602
00:51:15.570 --> 00:51:20.559
diamondbacks internship, because we did make
the playoffs, I did not have my
603
00:51:20.800 --> 00:51:22.840
condo and I did have to live
with Zach, which I don't think a
604
00:51:22.880 --> 00:51:28.079
lot of people who either. So
it's awesome, which was an experience in
605
00:51:28.159 --> 00:51:32.150
and of itself. Sure, you
had a great experience. We had a
606
00:51:32.230 --> 00:51:37.670
lot of fun. Yeah, and
and and then in October the internship comes
607
00:51:37.710 --> 00:51:44.909
to an end. You go on
to then work for Anthony. Mean,
608
00:51:45.230 --> 00:51:49.619
you know, it's foundation moved.
You moved out to Ohio and then it
609
00:51:49.699 --> 00:51:52.699
kind of had a little a little
stint where you went from Ohio to Maryland
610
00:51:52.739 --> 00:51:55.539
and then all the way back to
the west coast. What stuck out to
611
00:51:55.579 --> 00:52:00.900
you in that time as you would
kind of created this, you know you
612
00:52:00.730 --> 00:52:05.130
you would done it right. You'd
maybe had had had, like a lot
613
00:52:05.170 --> 00:52:09.050
of us thought had peaked during my
internship. How do you you'll, howd
614
00:52:09.050 --> 00:52:14.489
you feel leaving? Moving on to
a couple of these other positions. Yeah,
615
00:52:14.489 --> 00:52:19.079
I remember applying for the Anthony Muno's
position again, just an internship on
616
00:52:19.199 --> 00:52:22.199
a marketing team and it was doing
a lot of his event stuff. So
617
00:52:22.280 --> 00:52:25.000
he does a lot of events in
the community. Really Cool Guy, really
618
00:52:25.000 --> 00:52:30.469
humble guy, really tall guy.
I don't know if anyone's ever met this
619
00:52:30.550 --> 00:52:34.150
man in person, but when he
shook my hand I'm pretty sure his fingers
620
00:52:34.190 --> 00:52:39.429
touched my elbow. So his chair
looks like a throne to me. I'm
621
00:52:39.510 --> 00:52:45.579
five six for reference. So Anthony
Mun I was is a large man,
622
00:52:45.099 --> 00:52:51.619
but it was it was a really
fun time getting to work with a hall
623
00:52:51.659 --> 00:52:53.380
of Famer. That was a whole
different experience. You know, outside of
624
00:52:53.420 --> 00:52:58.500
a major league sports setting, you're
not, you know, at a stadium,
625
00:52:58.610 --> 00:53:04.969
you're not working hours towards you know, homestands or special, you know,
626
00:53:05.329 --> 00:53:08.050
events like postseason and all star any
of that stuff. It was much
627
00:53:08.050 --> 00:53:17.480
more event driven Galas. But you
know again, at the same time there
628
00:53:17.599 --> 00:53:23.559
is more to be desired on my
end coming out of the diamondbacks because,
629
00:53:23.599 --> 00:53:28.590
although that was it was just a
summer internship. So I knew eventually that
630
00:53:28.750 --> 00:53:31.030
had to end. There wasn't going
to be a job opportunity. It's a
631
00:53:31.070 --> 00:53:36.110
nonprofit what not. It was not
that the route I was looking to take
632
00:53:36.269 --> 00:53:40.619
my career in. And all the
while I'm trying to balance school. I
633
00:53:40.659 --> 00:53:45.139
should probably mention I'm going to college
at the art institute, trying to finish
634
00:53:45.179 --> 00:53:51.659
my degree so someone can actually pay
me and get back into sports. And
635
00:53:53.539 --> 00:53:59.170
I remember applying for a few sports
jobs. Never got a call back.
636
00:54:00.889 --> 00:54:07.409
And there was towards the very end
of my time at the art institute in
637
00:54:07.090 --> 00:54:15.199
Ohio. We are getting ready for
our portfolio show, which there's always problems.
638
00:54:15.280 --> 00:54:19.880
There's always these promises from these private
schools that all these companies are going
639
00:54:19.880 --> 00:54:23.550
to show up to your portfolio review, but they don't write, especially in
640
00:54:23.710 --> 00:54:29.750
Cincinnati Ohio. Let's just be honest. It's not Los Angeles or San Francisco.
641
00:54:30.389 --> 00:54:34.909
No one cares about a sports designer
at the art institute in Ohio,
642
00:54:34.989 --> 00:54:38.900
and so I had like invited the
reds, I think, and like no,
643
00:54:39.300 --> 00:54:45.940
no one showed up, which I
didn't expect them to. But yeah,
644
00:54:45.019 --> 00:54:52.139
so we're getting ready for portfolio show
and I had gotten a call from
645
00:54:52.420 --> 00:54:58.650
the Phoenix Suns, which, again, a lot of a lot of my
646
00:54:58.730 --> 00:55:06.489
fellow sports colleagues weren't aware of,
but I it was between the Phoenix Suns
647
00:55:06.530 --> 00:55:14.239
and cal Ripkin Baseball, and in
my head at the time I was like,
648
00:55:14.360 --> 00:55:16.840
well, I already did the Arizona
thing. You know, I'm in
649
00:55:16.960 --> 00:55:22.429
Ohio. My goal is to work
for the Yankees. Baltimore's close to New
650
00:55:22.469 --> 00:55:28.750
York, which is where CAL Ripkin
is obviously from, you know, spent
651
00:55:28.909 --> 00:55:34.989
the majority of his career and formed
his business. So I chose ripken baseball
652
00:55:37.059 --> 00:55:40.340
and I think at this time,
you know, if I'm thinking back and
653
00:55:40.699 --> 00:55:46.900
trying to remember like how I'm feeling
internally, I remember having really bad anxiety
654
00:55:47.460 --> 00:55:55.010
in Cincinnati. I can't point to
any triggers, I don't know what it
655
00:55:55.250 --> 00:56:00.210
was, but I do remember my
time in Cincinnati my anxiety being significantly worse
656
00:56:00.250 --> 00:56:05.760
than than that of my time in
Arizona, which actually says a lot because
657
00:56:07.480 --> 00:56:12.000
you know when I was in Arizona, actually lost my best friend. Well,
658
00:56:12.039 --> 00:56:14.880
he was diagnosed at the time.
I lost him a year later,
659
00:56:15.480 --> 00:56:20.670
but he was diagnosed with cancer,
and so I was that was another thing
660
00:56:20.710 --> 00:56:23.030
I was having to go through.
An Arizona, you know, not talk
661
00:56:23.070 --> 00:56:28.070
about but just kind of keep my
head down and do my job. Was
662
00:56:28.469 --> 00:56:34.780
My best friend was, you know, nine hours away battling cancer and I
663
00:56:34.820 --> 00:56:37.699
couldn't be there for him. So
that was tough. And when I when
664
00:56:37.739 --> 00:56:42.139
I was in Ohio, is actually
when when we lost him, unfortunately,
665
00:56:42.260 --> 00:56:49.730
to to his cancer. So again
I wasn't home for that. I actually
666
00:56:51.050 --> 00:56:54.769
had to pull off another amazing feet
just to get home for his memorial.
667
00:56:57.929 --> 00:57:07.199
And a month before that another one
of my friends had passed away unexpectedly as
668
00:57:07.280 --> 00:57:16.829
well. So my last couple months
in Ohio were very difficult and I did
669
00:57:16.949 --> 00:57:24.389
fly home for those memorials. But
going back to Ohio to finish the last,
670
00:57:24.510 --> 00:57:29.429
you know, month of my school
and I had at this time accepted
671
00:57:29.550 --> 00:57:35.860
the position with CAL ripken junior and
his organization. I knew I was moving
672
00:57:35.860 --> 00:57:39.300
even farther away from home. I
knew my anxiety was tough. I remember
673
00:57:39.340 --> 00:57:44.530
that six hour flight from lax to
to what was it Bwi or something?
674
00:57:45.690 --> 00:57:52.210
That was cue. That was excruciating
for me to go through. I remember
675
00:57:52.250 --> 00:57:57.849
having the worst panic attack on that
flight. I don't fly to this day
676
00:57:58.210 --> 00:58:04.519
because of that flight. Mostly happened, I just I had a breakdown on
677
00:58:04.599 --> 00:58:09.480
the flight. I had so much
going on in my head, in my
678
00:58:09.639 --> 00:58:15.429
life, so much pressure I'm putting
on myself, you know, trying to
679
00:58:15.469 --> 00:58:22.789
throw myself into this like huge entertainment
industry which had under you know, unsuspecting
680
00:58:22.989 --> 00:58:25.670
outcomes, like I didn't know what
was going to happen, where I was
681
00:58:25.750 --> 00:58:34.340
going to end up and going to
another unfamiliar place. My car had also
682
00:58:35.139 --> 00:58:39.139
died in Baltimore, all in Ohio
and I had to buy my first car.
683
00:58:39.380 --> 00:58:45.809
Had to buy my first car in
order to move some of my stuff
684
00:58:45.809 --> 00:58:50.809
out there, and so on that
flight I think it all just kind of
685
00:58:50.849 --> 00:58:57.039
came to a head and yeah,
I had a pretty bad panic attack and
686
00:58:58.440 --> 00:59:02.440
that stuck with me. With my
time in Baltimore, I started to live
687
00:59:02.519 --> 00:59:07.960
my life a little bit more out
of avoidance, while still trying to be
688
00:59:07.159 --> 00:59:14.269
there, be present and soak up
the experience for what it was. I
689
00:59:14.349 --> 00:59:15.750
don't want, I don't want to
discount. I don't want to skip over
690
00:59:15.829 --> 00:59:21.230
the fact of like the dream it
was to work for Col ripken junior.
691
00:59:22.150 --> 00:59:24.940
I mean I can't stay enough about
that. That man, like he's a
692
00:59:24.980 --> 00:59:31.460
sweetest man you'll ever meet. His
eyes, by the way, like I
693
00:59:31.500 --> 00:59:36.460
don't know if anyone's looked into cal
ripken junior's eyes, but they're like like
694
00:59:37.500 --> 00:59:44.449
like a tropical destination blue as I
are unreal to look into that man's eyes.
695
00:59:45.329 --> 00:59:51.250
And he's just the coolest guy and
like the most like peaceful do to
696
00:59:51.329 --> 00:59:57.239
be around. And so it was
a really cool working environment for at least
697
00:59:57.239 --> 00:59:59.280
what I was going through, you
know, especially with my anxiety. Like
698
00:60:00.679 --> 00:60:04.079
he made that place feel like a
home, like it was his family.
699
00:60:04.159 --> 00:60:10.349
Everybody had a part in everything,
everybody did everything together. Is a small
700
00:60:10.429 --> 00:60:15.150
team working on all like five of
his entities that were under ripken baseball.
701
00:60:17.110 --> 00:60:24.699
But at the time I did some
stuff for the youth, the youth subset
702
00:60:24.780 --> 00:60:30.980
of ripken baseball, for like ripken
world series and stuff like that, but
703
00:60:31.260 --> 00:60:36.130
my main focus there was the Aberdeen
Iron Birds, which was the single a
704
00:60:36.210 --> 00:60:38.329
affiliate at the time for the Baltimore
Orioles. I'm not sure if they still
705
00:60:38.369 --> 00:60:50.039
are not, but that was that
was a pretty challenging undertaking for me as
706
00:60:50.119 --> 00:60:53.960
well. It was my the first
time anyone's ever a pay me a salary
707
00:60:57.079 --> 00:61:01.679
to design for sports. But also, you know, I'm doing it in
708
00:61:01.719 --> 00:61:07.670
front of Calipken Junior, which is
daunting, and a kind of just gave
709
00:61:07.750 --> 00:61:12.510
me the Aberdeen Iron Birds and said
go for it, you know, and
710
00:61:13.070 --> 00:61:17.619
that was like again, like what, who's letting me do this? Why
711
00:61:17.739 --> 00:61:22.219
is this okay? Of course I
had, you know, a supervisor,
712
00:61:22.699 --> 00:61:29.539
graphic design director, who made sure
I was doing everything okay, but it
713
00:61:29.699 --> 00:61:32.489
was still like the first like independent
side I've been given and that was crazy.
714
00:61:34.170 --> 00:61:57.119
That was a wild experience for sure. So you're struggling, but you're
715
00:61:57.119 --> 00:62:02.269
also again in sports, you know, and you designing what you you're still
716
00:62:02.309 --> 00:62:08.150
kind of pinching yourself that you're getting
able to design it at this point for
717
00:62:08.269 --> 00:62:15.190
cal rip junior, right. I
mean absolute icon and Legend in baseball.
718
00:62:15.820 --> 00:62:22.940
That comes to an end and and
and then again you're you. You had
719
00:62:22.019 --> 00:62:27.099
over back to the west coast.
Tell us a little bit about that move
720
00:62:27.300 --> 00:62:31.969
and what prompted the chance to go
work in the NFL. Yeah, so,
721
00:62:34.809 --> 00:62:37.250
like you said, getting to work
for some like CALP and junior was,
722
00:62:38.010 --> 00:62:43.889
you know, a dream come true
for sure. Getting to hang out
723
00:62:43.929 --> 00:62:45.920
in that environment and be a part
of that environment and contribute to that environment
724
00:62:47.719 --> 00:62:52.639
was and still is, such like
a point of pride for me in my
725
00:62:52.760 --> 00:62:59.429
career. And it was really hard
to leave Baltimore because I knew I was
726
00:62:59.510 --> 00:63:07.230
coming home and I was getting farther
from New York. Right that wasn't going
727
00:63:07.269 --> 00:63:13.940
to be realistic at the time,
and so I came home for a couple
728
00:63:13.980 --> 00:63:15.219
different reasons, but I just felt
like it was time for me to be
729
00:63:15.340 --> 00:63:21.539
home. Friends were getting married,
people were having babies. I was entering
730
00:63:21.619 --> 00:63:27.769
that time in my life. And
so I get home, living with mom
731
00:63:27.929 --> 00:63:32.889
this time again like these highs and
lows. I feel like a comedian chasing
732
00:63:32.969 --> 00:63:37.849
my dream, you know, couch
surfing, you know on my parent my
733
00:63:37.929 --> 00:63:45.639
parents house, while just having,
you know, had these these wild experiences.
734
00:63:47.320 --> 00:63:53.840
I took a like a just a
regular job in graphic design here and
735
00:63:54.400 --> 00:64:02.869
doing production work for a Web site, and it was tough. It was
736
00:64:02.949 --> 00:64:11.539
a shock to my a ego.
It humbled the shit out of me because
737
00:64:11.539 --> 00:64:15.579
it was not a good environment.
Had nothing to do with sports. No
738
00:64:15.699 --> 00:64:19.579
one gave a shit about anything I
had just accomplished. It wasn't relevant at
739
00:64:19.619 --> 00:64:30.250
all and I was super unhappy.
It's very unhappy. And the ers thing,
740
00:64:30.369 --> 00:64:35.170
man, I'll I'll circle back to
this, but, like my whole
741
00:64:35.210 --> 00:64:42.559
career has been luck and it's preparation
usually and luck. But in my case
742
00:64:42.599 --> 00:64:45.639
it's just luck, SMO, like
people say that to me all the time.
743
00:64:45.719 --> 00:64:49.039
No, Kyle, it's preparation meets
opportunity, and it's like, HMM,
744
00:64:49.320 --> 00:64:54.070
no, like it was a look, I didn't do anything to deserve
745
00:64:54.150 --> 00:65:00.750
these, all these opportunities. So
I remember sitting at my desk at this
746
00:65:00.829 --> 00:65:05.469
job and I'm on my phone on
on teamwork online and I'm like someone post
747
00:65:05.550 --> 00:65:12.099
a job? Yeah, and I
see the post an internship and it was
748
00:65:12.179 --> 00:65:14.500
posted like a week ago. So
I was like, Oh, no,
749
00:65:15.539 --> 00:65:19.059
anyone that knows anything about applying for
jobs at sports is people line up around
750
00:65:19.059 --> 00:65:23.250
the corner for these positions. So
if you don't you know there's thousands of
751
00:65:23.289 --> 00:65:29.809
applications. So if you don't make
it within the first day, like unless
752
00:65:29.849 --> 00:65:33.409
you have connections into sports or you
have an amazing background, which you I
753
00:65:33.530 --> 00:65:39.000
really hadn't yet because I had just
been an intern it was really hard to
754
00:65:39.079 --> 00:65:48.519
get noticed. So I I grew
up a hail Mary and I messaged the
755
00:65:48.639 --> 00:65:55.469
creative manager on Linkedin and I was
like hey, man, I know I'm
756
00:65:55.550 --> 00:65:58.309
super late to the party, but
like, I really want to work there.
757
00:65:59.750 --> 00:66:01.469
You know, I'd be a dream
job. I hope you consider my
758
00:66:01.550 --> 00:66:08.739
application, you know, and sure
enough he got back to me and said
759
00:66:08.739 --> 00:66:12.579
that he was going to be giving
me a call. So I threw up
760
00:66:12.619 --> 00:66:16.059
that Hail Mary again. Luck that
he even responded to my linkedin message,
761
00:66:16.059 --> 00:66:20.010
because who knows how many he gets
to those a day, and I ended
762
00:66:20.050 --> 00:66:27.329
up getting the job in San Francisco. So I packed up everything once again.
763
00:66:28.130 --> 00:66:32.639
I remember buying a computer when I
was living at my mom's house just
764
00:66:32.840 --> 00:66:40.719
to do the design test, and
thank God that we were able to make
765
00:66:40.760 --> 00:66:46.469
that happen, because San Francisco ended
up being, man, such like a
766
00:66:47.150 --> 00:66:51.949
dream come true for me, even
though as an internship, and I was
767
00:66:53.110 --> 00:66:56.789
taking you know, I just come
off another high of like someone finally paying
768
00:66:56.829 --> 00:67:00.909
me a salary right right, you
know, feeling a little bit more established
769
00:67:00.909 --> 00:67:02.980
as a professional, feeling like maybe
I had a little bit more found atition
770
00:67:03.019 --> 00:67:08.739
underneath me to you know, spring
my career. Sure, it was definitely
771
00:67:08.780 --> 00:67:13.019
humbling to go back to being an
intern, being a twenty four year old
772
00:67:13.059 --> 00:67:18.329
intern, you know, but I
mean same situation. When I went to
773
00:67:18.329 --> 00:67:24.130
Arizona, all like this crazy,
exciting, cool stuff happened for the team
774
00:67:24.210 --> 00:67:28.610
and for myself, and the same
thing happened in San Francisco. I came
775
00:67:28.690 --> 00:67:31.559
there at a time when, you
know, we lost the Super Bowl and
776
00:67:31.760 --> 00:67:34.079
well, I think it was like
two thousand and twelve to the Ravens,
777
00:67:36.760 --> 00:67:42.320
and then two thousand and thirteen,
you know, is that's when I started.
778
00:67:42.360 --> 00:67:45.269
There was two thousand and thirteen into
the two thousand and fourteen season.
779
00:67:46.110 --> 00:67:54.110
Colin Kaepernick was the quarterback who led
us to another playoff season. So I
780
00:67:54.190 --> 00:67:59.380
got to experience that. I got
to experience tearing down candlestick. So doing
781
00:67:59.420 --> 00:68:04.780
the farewell candlestick campaign, which was
so cool, so cool to be part
782
00:68:04.820 --> 00:68:11.019
of such like a historic place,
like getting to be there on the field
783
00:68:11.019 --> 00:68:15.809
every Sunday, working with the photographers, getting to be in that environment and
784
00:68:15.889 --> 00:68:17.850
now everything that's happened there and then
getting to be a part of the campaign.
785
00:68:17.890 --> 00:68:24.729
That's like bidding this place farewell from
all of those legendary moments whether it
786
00:68:25.050 --> 00:68:28.880
was, you know, the giants, thes whatever team, you know,
787
00:68:30.079 --> 00:68:35.319
and getting to be a part of
the new era of the forty niners and
788
00:68:35.399 --> 00:68:39.960
LE B stadium. So while I
was there, that was the focus.
789
00:68:40.239 --> 00:68:45.789
You know, not only running daytoday, you know, designs for our you
790
00:68:45.869 --> 00:68:47.350
know, our team wasn't only,
you know, just doing daytoday stuff,
791
00:68:47.390 --> 00:68:54.789
but we are also the only team
we didn't have an outside agency doing the
792
00:68:55.149 --> 00:68:59.859
stadium stuff. So we had by
sports in the arts that we're doing,
793
00:68:59.939 --> 00:69:01.619
like the museum and some of that
stuff, but you know, we are
794
00:69:01.659 --> 00:69:08.100
doing the wayfinding and all of the
concessions and the partnership booths, and I
795
00:69:08.260 --> 00:69:13.210
mean everything from the ground up.
I mean our team killed it, the
796
00:69:13.329 --> 00:69:18.770
hours that those guys put in,
guys and girls, both on our team,
797
00:69:19.609 --> 00:69:26.199
everybody on that team, the whole
marketing team. I mean they showed
798
00:69:26.439 --> 00:69:30.079
what it takes to succeed in that
type of environment and to be a part
799
00:69:30.119 --> 00:69:34.560
of something like that, like what
it takes as a professional. And so
800
00:69:35.239 --> 00:69:40.550
not only was it like really rewarding
for me as like a step in my
801
00:69:40.670 --> 00:69:45.189
career, but to have those experiences
that a lot of people that work in
802
00:69:45.229 --> 00:69:51.550
sports will never get to experience and
to be a part of, you know,
803
00:69:53.539 --> 00:69:56.899
that teams, that specific team.
I mean it was just like in
804
00:69:57.020 --> 00:70:00.739
Arizona. You know, it's hard
to find that other places. Again,
805
00:70:00.899 --> 00:70:03.100
somehow, luckily, I was able
to wind up in a team that felt
806
00:70:04.420 --> 00:70:09.529
like everyone like genuinely cared about each
other. Everyone was trying to help each
807
00:70:09.529 --> 00:70:13.729
other succeed, and I mean those
those people are just great people. That
808
00:70:14.210 --> 00:70:17.890
really help shaped, like hope to
shape me as a designer, me as
809
00:70:17.890 --> 00:70:24.800
a professional and me as an individual, because I still keep in contact with
810
00:70:24.920 --> 00:70:30.359
some of those people and those those
relationships. I think we're priceless, just
811
00:70:30.520 --> 00:70:38.390
like Arizona and in Ohio. So
so then lasted, you know, about
812
00:70:38.390 --> 00:70:42.590
a year in the internship, as
they as they tend to and then you
813
00:70:42.670 --> 00:70:50.899
you are faced again with kind of
what do I do in so where did
814
00:70:50.899 --> 00:70:55.739
your life take you after that?
Yeah, so that's an interesting transition my
815
00:70:55.899 --> 00:71:02.619
time out of San Francisco, because
my last day was actually the ERS opening
816
00:71:02.819 --> 00:71:11.569
gala for Levi Stadium. I flew, or I drove my dad out to
817
00:71:13.449 --> 00:71:18.039
experience that day with me. Is
Employees and players. Only John Legend performed.
818
00:71:18.279 --> 00:71:25.359
I mean the stadium was wide open
for everyone to explore. And it
819
00:71:25.520 --> 00:71:30.640
was black tie. I mean it
was a surreal, very surreal experience and
820
00:71:30.840 --> 00:71:33.670
I was so stoked to show my
family. is super bitter sweet leaving on
821
00:71:33.789 --> 00:71:39.909
that day. I'm going to be
being pretty emotional. What a lot of
822
00:71:39.989 --> 00:71:43.189
people before I'd transition into where I
went after that. What a lot of
823
00:71:43.229 --> 00:71:45.189
people don't realize is also what was
going on behind the scenes of my personal
824
00:71:45.270 --> 00:71:49.020
life in San Francisco's you know,
I was in that I was in a
825
00:71:49.060 --> 00:71:55.380
relationship. My girlfriend lived here in
San Luis Obispo and I was driving back
826
00:71:55.380 --> 00:72:00.020
and forth every weekend. So I
was leaving the stadium at like six o'clock
827
00:72:00.020 --> 00:72:04.529
at night on Fridays and leaving her
house at four am from San Luis Obispo
828
00:72:04.609 --> 00:72:10.890
and driving straight to the stadium and
Santa Clara, and you know, a
829
00:72:11.010 --> 00:72:13.970
lot of me just wanted to be
here with her. So there's a lot
830
00:72:13.970 --> 00:72:19.720
of pressure for that and I was
also putting a lot of pressure on myself
831
00:72:19.720 --> 00:72:26.600
when I was in San Francisco because
it's the freakings like, if not the
832
00:72:26.640 --> 00:72:30.670
Yankees, the forts is a dream
job for me right and I let that
833
00:72:30.909 --> 00:72:40.350
overshadow being present is during my time
there. There is a lot going on.
834
00:72:40.630 --> 00:72:46.020
So I'll give myself some grace there. But I also, like was
835
00:72:46.100 --> 00:72:50.220
in socializing as much as I should
because my anxiety was so bad. So,
836
00:72:50.380 --> 00:72:54.739
like to them I was just saying
like, oh no, I don't
837
00:72:54.739 --> 00:72:56.899
want to go out to launch rot, I don't want to go here,
838
00:72:57.380 --> 00:73:00.569
and I kind of came off as
like this like party pooper intern, you
839
00:73:00.649 --> 00:73:02.729
know, and it it was really
hard for me because inside I just want
840
00:73:02.729 --> 00:73:05.569
to be like no, guys,
like I'm going to have a freaking anxiety
841
00:73:05.569 --> 00:73:09.409
attack there and it's embarrassing and it's
painful and I don't want to go through
842
00:73:09.409 --> 00:73:14.600
that in front of you guys.
But I couldn't because, again, there
843
00:73:14.680 --> 00:73:16.560
was such like this stigma that I
was like just keep your mouth shut,
844
00:73:16.640 --> 00:73:20.479
keep your head down, like who
cares what anyone else thinks, like,
845
00:73:20.880 --> 00:73:26.439
if you have to go home,
just go home. So it was,
846
00:73:26.640 --> 00:73:30.149
it was. It was a roller
coaster for me on my personal journey when
847
00:73:30.149 --> 00:73:34.630
I was there, especially with the
relationship back home, doing all that commuting.
848
00:73:35.069 --> 00:73:39.750
Also lived in Gilroy, California,
which is in traffic an hour and
849
00:73:39.750 --> 00:73:43.939
a half each way to stadium,
so it was a it was a lot.
850
00:73:44.100 --> 00:73:46.380
It was a grind for sure for
me but, like you said,
851
00:73:46.380 --> 00:73:51.460
it was it was a year internship. My internship had had ended and I
852
00:73:51.500 --> 00:73:56.930
was kind of just floating around.
I was still there, which was awesome.
853
00:73:56.970 --> 00:73:59.529
I mean that was a compliment to
me. I took you as a
854
00:73:59.569 --> 00:74:03.210
compliment. You know, they allowed
me to hang around longer than I should
855
00:74:03.210 --> 00:74:08.729
have been and I was thankful for
that. But, you know, I
856
00:74:08.770 --> 00:74:12.079
knew that something else was next.
I knew I wasn't going to be offered
857
00:74:12.079 --> 00:74:17.279
a fulltime position and I saw where
design was going at this time. So
858
00:74:18.319 --> 00:74:24.550
I was at when I was at
the forty niners, we created a product
859
00:74:24.710 --> 00:74:29.909
called venue next, which is,
yeah, so for a lot of people
860
00:74:30.869 --> 00:74:38.659
who aren't familiar with that, it's
a APP for in game experience and it's
861
00:74:38.699 --> 00:74:41.659
a it was a white label product
that was turned around in license to a
862
00:74:41.699 --> 00:74:45.739
bunch of major league teams in different
sports and is now even going beyond sports,
863
00:74:45.739 --> 00:74:50.500
which I think is super cool.
So I saw because of that,
864
00:74:50.539 --> 00:75:00.729
I saw that design didn't have to
stay within the confines of print and digital
865
00:75:00.810 --> 00:75:10.800
media inside of an organization, that
design was going tech and now this world
866
00:75:10.800 --> 00:75:15.039
obviously existed before I was aware of
it, but there was this huge push
867
00:75:15.159 --> 00:75:20.000
now for product design. It wasn't
called product design yet, but it was
868
00:75:20.119 --> 00:75:26.550
prop design, U X and UI. And so, leaving San Francisco,
869
00:75:26.630 --> 00:75:30.029
I said, okay, you know, I've done the sports things for a
870
00:75:30.069 --> 00:75:32.550
while, I'm going to come home. I'm going to really focus my energy
871
00:75:32.630 --> 00:75:35.380
on the relationships with my family and
friends and my girlfriend at the time,
872
00:75:35.979 --> 00:75:39.899
who I hadn't seen. You know, I've been putting my career first for
873
00:75:39.939 --> 00:75:45.220
a long time and just wanted to
focus on those relationships and then, you
874
00:75:45.340 --> 00:75:53.210
know, see what else I can
do in design. So I got connected
875
00:75:53.329 --> 00:75:58.489
to a digital agency here in San
Luis Obispo, called halfway, and I
876
00:75:58.569 --> 00:76:02.210
knew some of them from skateboarding,
from church, just from growing up in
877
00:76:02.250 --> 00:76:09.039
a small town, and I was
familiar with the work that they're doing and
878
00:76:09.439 --> 00:76:15.319
they had an opening and that's that's
where I ended up taking my career.
879
00:76:15.520 --> 00:76:23.069
Was was going into the mobile world
and and Web Responsive Web design world,
880
00:76:25.029 --> 00:76:30.989
and it was probably the hardest transition
I've made as a professional since that time
881
00:76:31.109 --> 00:76:35.380
of walking into the diamondbacks facility for
the first time, going from being like
882
00:76:35.460 --> 00:76:41.020
a dirty skater kid to a professional, and then going from being a sports
883
00:76:41.060 --> 00:76:50.890
designer to trying to somehow playoff that
I belong in this world of websites and
884
00:76:51.329 --> 00:77:00.970
an application. So I had that
same imposter syndrome sitting in that interview,
885
00:77:02.000 --> 00:77:08.319
despite knowing some of the people.
I walk in and I'm sitting in there
886
00:77:08.399 --> 00:77:11.960
and I'm I'm looking around again.
It's completely different environment. But teach their
887
00:77:12.000 --> 00:77:17.029
own like their special environments. It's
a digital agency, you know. You
888
00:77:17.189 --> 00:77:23.270
there's bean bags and scooters and fully
stocked refrigerators and Ping Pong tables and everyone's
889
00:77:23.310 --> 00:77:29.829
super happy for no reason and it's
just like it's just that type of arm
890
00:77:29.909 --> 00:77:30.979
and so I'm going like what am
I doing here? I don't belong here,
891
00:77:32.899 --> 00:77:36.619
and the one of the guys walks
in, one of the project managers
892
00:77:36.659 --> 00:77:41.859
walks in. He goes he's wearing
a San Francisco giants hat and he goes,
893
00:77:43.180 --> 00:77:46.010
so, I heard you work for
as I was like yes, sir,
894
00:77:46.050 --> 00:77:48.729
I did, and he goes,
well, we love you already,
895
00:77:48.850 --> 00:77:51.770
and I was like cool, this
is. That just took so much weight
896
00:77:51.810 --> 00:77:58.090
off my shoulders. So if it
had not been for my time in Arizona,
897
00:77:58.569 --> 00:78:01.399
my time in Baltimore, my time
in Ohio and my Tom in San
898
00:78:01.439 --> 00:78:05.840
Francisco, I would not have landed
this job because I again, I think
899
00:78:05.880 --> 00:78:11.079
it was luck with the people who
are there who are huge San Francisco fans,
900
00:78:11.119 --> 00:78:14.430
whether it's a Johnson Forty niners,
the owners of the company had season
901
00:78:14.550 --> 00:78:18.350
forty nine or tickets. You know, I don't want to discount my abilities,
902
00:78:18.390 --> 00:78:24.270
but I also think that my,
my previous luck had something to do
903
00:78:24.390 --> 00:78:30.140
with somehow, you know, being
allowed to design applications and website. So
904
00:78:30.619 --> 00:78:34.979
that was that was the next chapter
was diving into this whole new digital world.
905
00:78:46.449 --> 00:78:49.689
As you as you go, you
make this transition. You're now jumping
906
00:78:50.369 --> 00:78:55.329
ship from sports, it's what you've
known as what you've done, to an
907
00:78:55.369 --> 00:79:01.800
agency life. How was the as
the hours difference? How was the taxing
908
00:79:02.000 --> 00:79:05.800
on your, you know, not
only your physical wellbeing but your mental wellbeing?
909
00:79:06.960 --> 00:79:12.189
That's a great question. In terms
of hours, I challenge anyone who's
910
00:79:12.189 --> 00:79:15.430
worked in sports to go work for
a digital agency and then complain about working
911
00:79:15.470 --> 00:79:23.189
in sports, because the hours are
much more demanding. You you don't stop
912
00:79:23.310 --> 00:79:29.779
working in a digital agency. Your
slack is going off at midnight. You're
913
00:79:29.819 --> 00:79:34.539
flying all over the place or driving
all over the place trying to cater to
914
00:79:34.579 --> 00:79:41.250
these clients and the I mean this
speed, the the process of product design,
915
00:79:41.409 --> 00:79:45.609
design in and of itself is meant
to be faster than that of marketing
916
00:79:45.689 --> 00:79:50.729
design. So I mean that plays
a big part in it, but it
917
00:79:51.090 --> 00:80:00.039
was a whole nother level in terms
of hustling. I can tell you I
918
00:80:00.239 --> 00:80:04.000
started off as a visual designer,
so that would be the like like like
919
00:80:04.600 --> 00:80:11.630
into to a graphic designer, which
is like entry level, and these terms
920
00:80:11.630 --> 00:80:16.390
change over. They always change.
I'm still not sure what so like the
921
00:80:16.430 --> 00:80:21.699
difference between some of these job titles
are. I just read the description.
922
00:80:21.779 --> 00:80:24.699
I'm like, yes, I can
do that, just just hire me.
923
00:80:26.539 --> 00:80:30.020
But yeah, I start as a
visual designer doing some of their marking stuff
924
00:80:30.060 --> 00:80:34.180
because that was in my background,
but also juggling a lot of web and
925
00:80:34.420 --> 00:80:41.050
mobile APP work, and then I
was promoted to senior designer there. I
926
00:80:41.090 --> 00:80:45.409
spend about three and a half years. They're worked on about sixty five client
927
00:80:45.529 --> 00:80:48.409
projects. Did a lot of mobile
work. Mobile was my focus and it's
928
00:80:48.449 --> 00:80:54.920
still it still really is. And
I got to do some sports design while
929
00:80:54.920 --> 00:80:57.920
I was there, so that was
cool. But I mean, overall,
930
00:80:58.079 --> 00:81:03.869
just the the WORKLOADE, the time, dedication, the absence of worklife balance,
931
00:81:03.989 --> 00:81:09.869
although you know that's what's that's the
goal. So it's not like they're
932
00:81:09.869 --> 00:81:14.829
intending to to inhibit your worklife balance. It's not. It's not anyone's doing.
933
00:81:14.909 --> 00:81:17.979
It's just that the reality of that, that environment, that type of
934
00:81:18.060 --> 00:81:21.340
work is up and down. Its
feast or famine in its nature. So
935
00:81:24.779 --> 00:81:30.060
it's difficult. It was a big
transition for me and my body. My
936
00:81:30.220 --> 00:81:35.449
body wasn't able to withstand that pressure. And don't get me wrong, like,
937
00:81:35.529 --> 00:81:40.689
I don't want this to come off
like like it wasn't a great place
938
00:81:40.729 --> 00:81:43.130
to work, because it was.
And again, I made some of my
939
00:81:43.289 --> 00:81:46.720
closest relationships there and I still love
those guys there. I still, you
940
00:81:46.800 --> 00:81:53.000
know, interact with them and some
of my best friends worked there for a
941
00:81:53.079 --> 00:81:55.760
long time. I got a couple
of my friends jobs there. I mean
942
00:81:56.439 --> 00:81:58.520
it was it was a great place
to work. We did a lot of
943
00:81:58.560 --> 00:82:03.390
cool work together and but at the
end of the day, some people are
944
00:82:03.430 --> 00:82:06.829
cut out for that line of work
and and I my body just wasn't and
945
00:82:06.909 --> 00:82:14.430
that was just my reality and that's
okay, but it it it didn't end
946
00:82:14.550 --> 00:82:18.619
well for for me. It's,
like I said, I was there again
947
00:82:18.659 --> 00:82:23.699
for about three and a half years. I would have I talked a little
948
00:82:23.699 --> 00:82:28.460
bit about this in the podcast I
put out before it to I'm sure we'll
949
00:82:28.500 --> 00:82:31.689
talk about in a little bit,
but I would have panic attacks and meetings
950
00:82:31.770 --> 00:82:36.569
and no one would know. So
I'd be pitching, you know, changes
951
00:82:36.649 --> 00:82:44.920
to projects and in front of a
room of twenty, thirty people and no
952
00:82:45.039 --> 00:82:48.800
one would know that I'm up there
wanting to die, like I'm up there
953
00:82:49.000 --> 00:82:54.199
with can't breathe, I'm shaking,
I'm sweating. I like on autopilot.
954
00:82:54.279 --> 00:82:57.199
I just blacked out. Have no
idea what I'm saying, just like we're
955
00:82:57.199 --> 00:83:00.229
lying on like, Hey, you've
been saying this stuff for a couple of
956
00:83:00.270 --> 00:83:03.550
years now. You can do it, you know. But the end of
957
00:83:03.590 --> 00:83:09.310
day, like it was painful for
me. And what hathaway doesn't know,
958
00:83:09.510 --> 00:83:11.989
what a lot of my friends and
family doesn't know, that don't know,
959
00:83:13.500 --> 00:83:19.140
is I started drinking really heavily to
cope with that. I don't want to
960
00:83:19.180 --> 00:83:24.300
use the term alcohol because I think
that's something that a lot of people struggle
961
00:83:25.220 --> 00:83:30.529
really badly with and I think that's
a very specific Dick, a very specific
962
00:83:30.609 --> 00:83:35.649
mountain to climb. It had ran
in my family and I've seen, you
963
00:83:35.770 --> 00:83:40.010
know, what that can do,
and so I don't ever want to say
964
00:83:40.050 --> 00:83:43.520
that was the case, but I
was definitely abusing it because I was using
965
00:83:43.560 --> 00:83:48.000
it to self medicate, and that's
what I was doing, you know,
966
00:83:48.079 --> 00:83:53.399
when I get home from from halfway. You know, it started with just
967
00:83:53.479 --> 00:83:57.430
a couple beers and justifiably, like
hey, I'm, you know, twenty
968
00:83:57.510 --> 00:83:59.789
six, twenty seven years old,
if I want to drink a beer after
969
00:83:59.789 --> 00:84:01.109
work, I'm gonna drink a beer. Yeah, and you know, I'd
970
00:84:01.149 --> 00:84:04.989
have the baseball games on. You
know, I would watch both the diamondbacks
971
00:84:05.029 --> 00:84:13.579
and the Yankee Games. Okay,
I had they let me take home the
972
00:84:13.899 --> 00:84:17.899
by the way, they let me
take home the the two thousand and one
973
00:84:18.859 --> 00:84:26.210
world series reunion signs that we made
this for the stadium, Yep, from
974
00:84:26.250 --> 00:84:29.170
at the d backs, and so
I had those. I put them in
975
00:84:29.210 --> 00:84:33.850
my dad's Yankee Room and he was
very upset. That's fantastic. Yeah.
976
00:84:34.050 --> 00:84:41.479
So so I would I'll get home
and how the Games on and I would
977
00:84:41.520 --> 00:84:44.439
I would just sit there and I
have a few beers. But the wake
978
00:84:44.479 --> 00:84:48.479
up call was one night I was
sitting there and I was I was watching
979
00:84:48.600 --> 00:84:54.229
baseball and I want to go get
another beer from a six pack that I
980
00:84:54.390 --> 00:85:00.029
bought that night and there was no
beers left, and that was a problem
981
00:85:00.069 --> 00:85:03.310
for me. You know, some
people may think like, oh, that's
982
00:85:03.310 --> 00:85:05.829
not a big deal, like you're
watching the game, you're distracted. What
983
00:85:05.989 --> 00:85:12.500
six beers like? To me,
that was a problem because I knew why
984
00:85:12.539 --> 00:85:15.300
I was drinking. It's not like
I was doing it because I was like
985
00:85:15.460 --> 00:85:21.369
obsessed with the taste of this beer
and it was like quenching my thirst.
986
00:85:21.810 --> 00:85:26.369
It was because it I was feeling
better and better than what I drink.
987
00:85:26.689 --> 00:85:30.489
And I did it to the point
where I didn't even remember. I didn't
988
00:85:30.489 --> 00:85:38.560
even remember grabbing the last beer out
of the refrigerator. So that continued at
989
00:85:38.600 --> 00:85:43.479
work, which is something that's really
hard to talk about. You know,
990
00:85:43.560 --> 00:85:48.079
in agencies or you know, you're
allowed to drink at work and you're allowed
991
00:85:48.119 --> 00:85:50.789
to have a beer in the kitchen. I should rephrase that. You're not
992
00:85:50.829 --> 00:85:57.149
allowed to get hammered at what's a
professional environment people, but you know it's
993
00:85:57.470 --> 00:85:59.470
a it's a loose environment, so
you can go out, you could have
994
00:85:59.550 --> 00:86:01.550
some beers at lunch. There's some
beers in the fridge. You know if
995
00:86:01.590 --> 00:86:10.260
you want to take a break in
the afternoon, but it's when you're there
996
00:86:10.420 --> 00:86:15.060
late at night and you're working on, you know, these projects by yourself
997
00:86:15.140 --> 00:86:20.770
and you're going through, you know, anxiety and an OCD and, you
998
00:86:20.850 --> 00:86:23.810
know, a lot of depression.
You know, I'd Bost two of my
999
00:86:23.890 --> 00:86:29.449
really close friends, like I mentioned, being worn out from the hours dedicated
1000
00:86:29.489 --> 00:86:32.279
to this stuff. Like I would
drink, you know, I would drink
1001
00:86:32.920 --> 00:86:35.319
before I would go home. I
would drink and I go back to work
1002
00:86:35.399 --> 00:86:40.479
and spend time there and or I'd
go home and work and drink, and
1003
00:86:40.840 --> 00:86:45.600
it was it wasn't going well for
me. I started my anxiety only got
1004
00:86:45.640 --> 00:86:53.390
worse from there. My social anxiety
got tremendously worse. I was starting to
1005
00:86:53.550 --> 00:87:00.229
live my life out of avoidance in
the biggest way, not going to functions,
1006
00:87:00.310 --> 00:87:02.060
not going out to dinner because I
couldn't sit still in a restaurant without
1007
00:87:02.060 --> 00:87:12.739
having anxiety attack. And it was
a disaster. So, after three and
1008
00:87:12.819 --> 00:87:18.170
a half years, I decided to
get my real estate license because Anallos,
1009
00:87:18.210 --> 00:87:23.729
there's really no segue into that,
but I decided to get my real estate
1010
00:87:23.770 --> 00:87:26.329
license because in my head I was
like, okay, well, you can
1011
00:87:26.369 --> 00:87:29.649
control your own schedule. I live
on the central coast in California, like,
1012
00:87:29.729 --> 00:87:33.640
where else do you want to sell
real estate? And my MOM's real
1013
00:87:33.680 --> 00:87:36.439
estate agent a new ton of people
in real estate. So again it was
1014
00:87:36.479 --> 00:87:41.319
like, Hey, you have these
resources available to you can still make something
1015
00:87:41.319 --> 00:87:45.029
of yourself in a different industry.
So I tried doing that for two weeks
1016
00:87:45.029 --> 00:87:56.270
after leaving halfway and I was also
starting starting my own agency with a buddy,
1017
00:87:57.189 --> 00:88:00.260
and I guess I was about two
weeks out of Hathaway, two weeks
1018
00:88:00.300 --> 00:88:05.619
into my real estate career of actually
being like dead. I had my license
1019
00:88:05.699 --> 00:88:10.500
for more than two weeks. I
had had it for a few months.
1020
00:88:10.539 --> 00:88:14.210
I had already sold a house,
which thank God I did, because I
1021
00:88:14.329 --> 00:88:19.529
needed it in this next chapter that
I'm going to go into. But I
1022
00:88:20.770 --> 00:88:29.439
was only two weeks out and I
had a full mental health collapse. I
1023
00:88:29.520 --> 00:88:33.840
don't know why it happened, when
it happened. I don't know why it
1024
00:88:33.920 --> 00:88:42.590
happened, how it happened and how
bad it happened. But because of ignoring
1025
00:88:44.109 --> 00:88:48.430
my body, ignoring the signs going
on in my life of avoidance and the
1026
00:88:48.590 --> 00:88:54.470
trauma that had created all of these
physical symptoms that were now main manifesting themselves.
1027
00:88:54.550 --> 00:89:00.539
Like I paid a huge price and
it's still something that I am fighting
1028
00:89:00.819 --> 00:89:03.140
on a daily basis, and it's
been three and a half years. So
1029
00:89:14.930 --> 00:89:18.050
so tell me, tell me about
that specific day and remember twenty seven and
1030
00:89:18.210 --> 00:89:23.609
two thousand and seventeen. Yeah,
so November, twenty seven, two thousand
1031
00:89:23.649 --> 00:89:27.760
and seventeen was a day that I
will remember for the rest of my life,
1032
00:89:28.399 --> 00:89:33.600
and not for a good reason,
at least not yet. But I
1033
00:89:33.960 --> 00:89:38.829
was, like I said, I'd
had my real estate license, I was
1034
00:89:38.869 --> 00:89:45.270
doing this real estate stuff. I
was trying to start my own agency and
1035
00:89:46.069 --> 00:89:54.100
it's doing freelance projects. I was
drinking a lot and I remember I was
1036
00:89:55.619 --> 00:90:00.340
weird Segue, but I was babysitting
with my roommate, his his niece and
1037
00:90:00.420 --> 00:90:05.340
nephew. So he was babysitting and
I was babysitting by association to the apartment.
1038
00:90:08.210 --> 00:90:11.810
We're watching a movie for the kids. We had some cartoon movie on.
1039
00:90:12.050 --> 00:90:17.289
I think it was like boss baby
or something, and I can't watch
1040
00:90:17.369 --> 00:90:21.399
these weird cartoon movies now because of
this, but I was I was sitting
1041
00:90:21.439 --> 00:90:30.279
there and I was watching him interact
with with these kids, with his niece
1042
00:90:30.359 --> 00:90:35.630
and nephew and just such an amazing
guy. He comes from a baseball background.
1043
00:90:35.630 --> 00:90:41.229
He he was actually he got signed
out of high school. He thought
1044
00:90:41.229 --> 00:90:44.989
he was going to play for the
diamondbacks. When we were in Arizona,
1045
00:90:45.029 --> 00:90:50.300
which is funny. He actually ended
up signing with the Baltimore Orioles and then
1046
00:90:50.420 --> 00:90:57.819
went and then went to where to
go? Lmu I think, but he
1047
00:90:58.699 --> 00:91:02.579
he actually found God and decided that
it's time for him to step away from
1048
00:91:02.579 --> 00:91:09.689
baseball and that's actually how we reconnected
and we're living together because I grown up
1049
00:91:09.729 --> 00:91:13.369
with him and his older brother.
But yeah, so we're sitting there and
1050
00:91:13.569 --> 00:91:16.289
we're watching this movie and I'm watching
him play with, you know, his
1051
00:91:16.409 --> 00:91:21.479
family, and I'm just like wow, like it's it was such a beautiful
1052
00:91:21.479 --> 00:91:25.800
thing to see and it was just
something I was like that's something I want
1053
00:91:25.880 --> 00:91:30.159
to be able to do as a
father, and I had this moment in
1054
00:91:30.239 --> 00:91:39.510
my head of like how am I
ever supposed to take care of children or
1055
00:91:39.670 --> 00:91:45.149
of a wife or of anyone if
I can't take care of myself? And
1056
00:91:46.029 --> 00:91:53.220
it was that moment of self awareness
and recognizing, like taking inventory and actually
1057
00:91:53.220 --> 00:91:58.819
recognizing where my life is at that
I had a physical response in my body
1058
00:91:59.420 --> 00:92:03.369
that has lasted for three and a
half years so far. So I it
1059
00:92:03.529 --> 00:92:09.010
felt like something in my gut turned
over and it felt like, I don't
1060
00:92:09.050 --> 00:92:13.090
even know how to describe it.
Man It like it literally felt like if
1061
00:92:13.090 --> 00:92:17.319
there's a light switch for your emotions, someone just turned it off. So
1062
00:92:17.560 --> 00:92:24.640
I felt my body, it internally, just go blink and I felt my
1063
00:92:24.880 --> 00:92:28.279
gut. You know, we talked
about the brain gut connection so much in
1064
00:92:28.399 --> 00:92:36.310
mental health. There is your gut
places such a big part in you know
1065
00:92:36.590 --> 00:92:44.500
what's being fed to your brain in
terms of emotional responses, and that's what
1066
00:92:44.779 --> 00:92:45.779
that's what I was feeling. I
didn't know that at the time, but
1067
00:92:45.779 --> 00:92:50.659
that's what I'll come to learn through
therapy and stuff. But my gut just
1068
00:92:50.739 --> 00:92:56.739
flipped over my I had no control
over my thoughts anymore. It was just
1069
00:92:56.859 --> 00:93:02.289
like the most like negative thoughts.
And I should mention that this time I
1070
00:93:02.369 --> 00:93:10.770
had actually become a Christian and it
was always something that I had had inside
1071
00:93:10.810 --> 00:93:14.520
of me, but again I was
kind of scared to do and because I
1072
00:93:14.760 --> 00:93:18.720
was noticing I was drinking so heavily
and my health situation and everything. Through
1073
00:93:18.760 --> 00:93:24.359
another friend store. I ended up
becoming getting saved in becoming a Christian,
1074
00:93:26.119 --> 00:93:30.750
which was really helpful for me and
it brought a lot of really great relationships
1075
00:93:30.789 --> 00:93:35.189
for me. But that night,
the reason I bring that up is because
1076
00:93:35.189 --> 00:93:41.109
that night that's where I went as
I went to the church because they were
1077
00:93:41.149 --> 00:93:45.779
having a worship night and I knew
like hey, if there's any if there's
1078
00:93:45.779 --> 00:93:51.939
any atmosphere that I personally wanted to
be in that I think could personally benefit
1079
00:93:53.020 --> 00:93:57.050
me, would be that atmosphere in
my mind. So that's why I went
1080
00:93:57.210 --> 00:94:00.810
and it didn't help at all.
It actually made it worse, because now
1081
00:94:00.810 --> 00:94:03.569
I felt guilty about the thoughts that
we're going through my head. And I'm
1082
00:94:03.609 --> 00:94:12.479
in Church and I grew up with
the family that pastors at Church and one
1083
00:94:12.479 --> 00:94:16.199
of my best friends is the pastor
there and we were actually neighbors at the
1084
00:94:16.239 --> 00:94:21.439
apartment that I had left that night
to come there, and so I texted
1085
00:94:21.439 --> 00:94:24.470
him and just said, Hey,
man, I know you're doing your thing,
1086
00:94:24.710 --> 00:94:28.829
but when you get this text,
text message, like when you come
1087
00:94:28.869 --> 00:94:30.550
home tonight, just cruise over,
because we literally live next to each other.
1088
00:94:31.430 --> 00:94:35.710
and He came over and I'm in
my bedroom sitting on the floor,
1089
00:94:36.470 --> 00:94:42.220
and I mean I was tearful.
You know, I wasn't crying because I'm
1090
00:94:42.739 --> 00:94:45.380
I'm a guy and I'm trying to
hold back my emotions in front of my
1091
00:94:45.420 --> 00:94:54.729
other guy friend, right, and
he really saved me that night because he
1092
00:94:54.930 --> 00:95:00.210
sat there was so much patience and
so much grace and just like no judgment
1093
00:95:00.250 --> 00:95:02.449
at all and just listened and tried
to understand like what I was going through.
1094
00:95:04.210 --> 00:95:10.640
But what was happening was I was
disconnecting from everything. My surroundings were
1095
00:95:10.680 --> 00:95:17.520
feeling unfamiliar, I had a headache
on a really bad headache, and I
1096
00:95:17.640 --> 00:95:21.149
told you, you know, my
gut felt weird, my thoughts were terrible,
1097
00:95:21.149 --> 00:95:27.750
I I felt like I was going
crazy and which is such a different
1098
00:95:27.789 --> 00:95:30.909
word in my vocabulary now, but
at the time that's the word I would
1099
00:95:30.909 --> 00:95:39.140
have used, and I remember just
that night being one of the hardest nights
1100
00:95:39.180 --> 00:95:47.420
of my life, experiencing what I
was mentally and physically. So you're dealing
1101
00:95:47.500 --> 00:95:54.369
with this this association, this some
cognitive dissonance probably happening as well at the
1102
00:95:54.409 --> 00:95:59.569
same time, kind of not knowing
who you are but knowing knowing who you
1103
00:95:59.689 --> 00:96:02.050
are at the same time. Really
hard to explain. I went through a
1104
00:96:02.130 --> 00:96:09.439
lot of those things as well.
It's still something you're struggling with today,
1105
00:96:09.479 --> 00:96:16.640
right, yeah, so it is
something that I struggle with on around the
1106
00:96:16.720 --> 00:96:20.590
clock basis every single day. You
know, it was the next day that
1107
00:96:20.710 --> 00:96:26.630
I first started to actually really understand
what's going on. You know, I
1108
00:96:26.909 --> 00:96:30.590
mentioned it a little bit of my
podcast of getting to my parents house and
1109
00:96:32.619 --> 00:96:39.579
the next day and everything looked like
I never been there before. You still
1110
00:96:39.619 --> 00:96:43.060
have the self awareness of where you
are, but everything looks different. So
1111
00:96:43.180 --> 00:96:50.729
it's very confusing and I had a
terrible panic attack and since since yea,
1112
00:96:50.810 --> 00:96:56.569
since that morning, my reality has
looked completely different. Physically, the world
1113
00:96:57.210 --> 00:97:00.930
and looks much different and much more
unfamiliar and you kind of have to operate
1114
00:97:00.010 --> 00:97:04.159
under this this feeling of faith of
you know where you are and you have
1115
00:97:04.239 --> 00:97:10.039
to trust yourself, and there's a
lot of disorientation that comes along with it,
1116
00:97:10.039 --> 00:97:16.310
a lot of confusion, sleep problems. I mean there's the symptoms.
1117
00:97:16.350 --> 00:97:20.470
I mean it, if this is
something I could be very triggering for people.
1118
00:97:20.470 --> 00:97:24.510
So I'm kind of tiptoeing around some
of this because sure there's a lot
1119
00:97:24.590 --> 00:97:29.189
of really bad symptoms that come with
dissociation can come with dissociation and everyone,
1120
00:97:29.270 --> 00:97:34.140
let me be clear, everyone experiences
it differently, but for the sake of
1121
00:97:34.260 --> 00:97:40.779
not triggering anyone that may be dealing
with somewhat similar things, it was just
1122
00:97:40.859 --> 00:97:45.449
a really scary time and I related
to when I talked to other people about
1123
00:97:45.449 --> 00:97:48.250
it. I related to the feeling
you get when you have like the flu
1124
00:97:48.369 --> 00:97:50.289
for like a week and you're like, oh my gosh, when is this
1125
00:97:50.409 --> 00:97:54.210
going to end? I don't remember
what it feels like to be normal.
1126
00:97:54.329 --> 00:97:58.489
You feel like you're going to be
sick forever. Imagine if that came true.
1127
00:97:59.840 --> 00:98:04.199
Imagine if that feeling lasted for years, because when I was experiencing what
1128
00:98:04.279 --> 00:98:10.239
I was my first thought was not
mental health. My first thought was,
1129
00:98:10.920 --> 00:98:14.869
okay, I've had so many medical
issues with like bad dental stuff. I
1130
00:98:14.909 --> 00:98:19.789
had a tumor in my face.
I have had so many concussions. I
1131
00:98:19.869 --> 00:98:26.270
had spot meningitis. I know I
knew that I had like a terrible sinus
1132
00:98:26.310 --> 00:98:31.460
infection because it runs my family to
have messed up sinuses and my dad had
1133
00:98:31.500 --> 00:98:34.819
a similar situation when he was younger
where he couldn't get out of bed because
1134
00:98:34.859 --> 00:98:40.060
he was sick from the sinuses.
So I didn't go to like hey,
1135
00:98:40.100 --> 00:98:43.649
there's something off from mental health or
Oh, I had trauma in my childhood
1136
00:98:43.649 --> 00:98:47.729
that has manifested itself in this way
now. I thought there was something physically
1137
00:98:47.770 --> 00:98:50.529
wrong with me. So in my
head I was like this is temporary,
1138
00:98:50.689 --> 00:98:55.130
this isn't going to last for more
than like a couple days, a week
1139
00:98:55.210 --> 00:99:00.000
or two, I'm sick. You
know, that wasn't the case. I
1140
00:99:00.800 --> 00:99:03.840
would go on to have every test
you can ever imagine, every type of
1141
00:99:03.840 --> 00:99:13.310
imaging, from doctors to dentists to
earnose, throat, MRIs cat scans,
1142
00:99:13.350 --> 00:99:18.750
I mean every type of blood work, heavy metal poisoning, I did acupuncture.
1143
00:99:18.789 --> 00:99:26.979
I did what are those chambers called? Yeah, Hyper Berg Yeah,
1144
00:99:27.020 --> 00:99:31.020
hyperbaric chambers with like electro magnetic therapy
and light therapy and man, you name
1145
00:99:31.060 --> 00:99:36.739
it, I've tried it, you
know. And I quickly started to realize
1146
00:99:36.739 --> 00:99:40.409
that, hey, if all these
scans and all these results are coming back
1147
00:99:41.050 --> 00:99:45.250
like I was literally getting told like
you're the healthiest person I've seen in like
1148
00:99:45.369 --> 00:99:48.170
six months or a year in my
office, and to be told that and
1149
00:99:48.289 --> 00:99:51.210
to be be feeling the way I
feel and seeing the world and experiencing what
1150
00:99:51.289 --> 00:99:58.880
I am, the way that I
am, like. It's so frustrating because
1151
00:99:58.920 --> 00:100:03.520
I wasn't getting any answers and no
results. People would say are great results,
1152
00:100:04.199 --> 00:100:06.949
but they weren't, because I wanted
to know what the heck was going
1153
00:100:08.069 --> 00:100:13.350
on with me. Sure, because
I couldn't drive, I couldn't I could.
1154
00:100:13.550 --> 00:100:15.829
There's one night I could barely walk
down my stairs. I mean,
1155
00:100:15.029 --> 00:100:23.140
my life was I felt like I
was losing everything and although the symptoms have
1156
00:100:23.260 --> 00:100:27.220
gotten better and I was able to
get back to work and become more involved
1157
00:100:27.220 --> 00:100:32.100
in my friendships and relationships again,
it's still something I deal with on a
1158
00:100:32.140 --> 00:100:35.170
daily basis. Like I'm so scared
to go to sleep at night. I'm
1159
00:100:35.170 --> 00:100:39.569
still confused when I wake up every
morning and have to place myself, like
1160
00:100:40.130 --> 00:100:43.449
I literally have your morning rattle off
my address, my social security number,
1161
00:100:43.609 --> 00:100:45.930
my my phone number, my name, my parents names, their birthday,
1162
00:100:45.930 --> 00:100:53.000
it's like everything, because I feel
like that unsure of my world when I
1163
00:100:53.039 --> 00:100:57.640
wake up every single morning. And
it's crazy when I tell that to people,
1164
00:100:57.640 --> 00:101:00.800
because they look at me and they're
like, but you look fine,
1165
00:101:00.960 --> 00:101:04.149
you sound fine, you're still designing, you're do you're doing, you know,
1166
00:101:04.829 --> 00:101:11.109
professional level work and being paid,
you know, a significant amount of
1167
00:101:11.149 --> 00:101:16.470
money now to to do this type
of work. And how am I supposed
1168
00:101:16.470 --> 00:101:20.260
to believe that your reality like those? Those two things don't add up to
1169
00:101:20.340 --> 00:101:30.539
to most people who haven't experienced mental
health complications themselves. And in so you're
1170
00:101:30.579 --> 00:101:35.170
doing this. You you start telling
people, you know, I am suffering,
1171
00:101:36.810 --> 00:101:42.289
not I'm not right, I'm not
me. And then he made some
1172
00:101:42.569 --> 00:101:48.920
connections through your network and met Eric. Tell me about that story and what
1173
00:101:49.039 --> 00:101:58.640
that led to. Yeah, so
I was living with in a different house,
1174
00:101:58.720 --> 00:102:01.310
but with the same guy that I
was living with when it first happened
1175
00:102:01.390 --> 00:102:06.550
in two thousand and seventeen and he
he was a big part in helping me
1176
00:102:06.630 --> 00:102:12.510
get back on my feet. And
I remember I was I was laying in
1177
00:102:12.590 --> 00:102:18.899
bed one night and I was on
Instagram and I saw that our buddy from
1178
00:102:18.939 --> 00:102:28.060
the diamondbacks, Zak, had created
or was involved with a podcast. I
1179
00:102:28.180 --> 00:102:31.569
forget. I forget what it's called, but he was involved with the podcast
1180
00:102:31.689 --> 00:102:36.770
and I was like, oh well, that's a cool platform to like have
1181
00:102:36.970 --> 00:102:42.210
independence to talk about whatever you want
to talk about, and so I reached
1182
00:102:42.250 --> 00:102:44.520
out to Zach and I was like
hey, dude, we haven't talked in
1183
00:102:44.560 --> 00:102:46.800
a long time. This is what's
happened since, you know, the last
1184
00:102:46.800 --> 00:102:51.039
time I've talked to you. You
know, of course he was super bummed
1185
00:102:51.039 --> 00:102:55.880
out and blown away to hear like
what I was dealing with. I mean,
1186
00:102:56.560 --> 00:102:59.590
you know, even for the short
time that we are in each other's
1187
00:102:59.630 --> 00:103:02.189
lives, you know, as as
friends and in a physical sense like,
1188
00:103:03.710 --> 00:103:08.909
we had still, you know,
as colleagues. Do you know kept in
1189
00:103:08.989 --> 00:103:13.220
touch a little bit, and it
was hard for him to hear that is
1190
00:103:13.260 --> 00:103:16.579
it was hard for me to tell
him because, you know, it was
1191
00:103:16.699 --> 00:103:19.699
such a positive time when I was
I was with him, and it's hard
1192
00:103:19.739 --> 00:103:28.649
to to mix those two things in
my head together. But ultimately he was
1193
00:103:28.729 --> 00:103:33.729
so positive about it and I mean, if it weren't for him, it
1194
00:103:33.810 --> 00:103:41.920
wouldn't have helped me feel more comfortable
talking about it. And because of him
1195
00:103:41.920 --> 00:103:45.920
I made a connection that would allow
me to actually have a platform to talk
1196
00:103:45.960 --> 00:103:51.920
about it. And and how we
get there is he, after listening to
1197
00:103:53.079 --> 00:104:00.670
what I had explained with my mental
health and my physical health, he knew
1198
00:104:01.149 --> 00:104:09.510
someone that he worked with and sports
that had also gone through something almost identical
1199
00:104:10.539 --> 00:104:16.060
to what I had gone through,
to a point where it's eerie sometimes when
1200
00:104:16.060 --> 00:104:20.220
him, when I talk, and
he's like I just I need to connect
1201
00:104:20.260 --> 00:104:24.609
you with this guy, like I
feel really strongly that you two there's just
1202
00:104:24.729 --> 00:104:28.529
something there, because you guys have
the same story and I really think you
1203
00:104:28.569 --> 00:104:33.090
should just talk to him, you
know. And I was I was scared.
1204
00:104:33.130 --> 00:104:36.649
I don't cold call people. He
had told me who he was.
1205
00:104:36.770 --> 00:104:43.880
He was a, you know,
sports executive for multiple teams, and so,
1206
00:104:44.399 --> 00:104:48.119
coming from a sports background, you
never making it past in turn out
1207
00:104:48.159 --> 00:104:54.510
of professional sports franchise, like I
know. I know that. I know
1208
00:104:54.630 --> 00:104:58.989
the rules of the road and I
was still in that mind space of like,
1209
00:104:59.869 --> 00:105:02.270
dude, don't just go hit up
some executive and back hey, what's
1210
00:105:02.270 --> 00:105:06.380
up, you know, like a
that's they're going to be like what?
1211
00:105:10.100 --> 00:105:15.579
And so I got over that pride
and fear and I did. I called,
1212
00:105:15.659 --> 00:105:21.409
called him, Zach gave me his
number and it was one of the
1213
00:105:21.489 --> 00:105:27.689
best conversations I had had leading up
to that time for probably like a year
1214
00:105:27.729 --> 00:105:35.119
or two, because before he even
asked me why I called, I just
1215
00:105:35.279 --> 00:105:39.800
mentioned Zach and like why he gave
me his number, but I didn't tell
1216
00:105:39.880 --> 00:105:44.960
him like the idea I had in
my head. We talked about our stories
1217
00:105:45.000 --> 00:105:47.079
for about an hour, hour and
a half on the phone before he even
1218
00:105:47.119 --> 00:105:51.630
asked like Oh dude, I'm so
sorry, like well, would you call
1219
00:105:51.750 --> 00:105:57.430
for but it was such an awesome
phone call. And Eric, his name
1220
00:105:57.510 --> 00:106:01.630
is Eric Houston and he was a
executive in the sports industry for a long
1221
00:106:01.670 --> 00:106:06.500
time. He worked for the Phoenix
Suns and a couple different organizations. But
1222
00:106:06.659 --> 00:106:13.460
what's funny as we were all on
the same paid roll right because you know,
1223
00:106:13.539 --> 00:106:15.819
I remember having to go to the
Sun Stadium to collect my check sometimes
1224
00:106:15.939 --> 00:106:23.130
at the diamondbacks, and who knows
if I was walking past Eric and the
1225
00:106:23.250 --> 00:106:26.609
fact that if I would have accepted
the Phoenix Suns job when I was in
1226
00:106:26.689 --> 00:106:29.890
Ohio, how would have worked with
Eric at the Phoenix Suns. Like there's
1227
00:106:29.930 --> 00:106:34.800
just so much weird shit, like
a hundredfold of what I just mentioned that
1228
00:106:34.960 --> 00:106:41.079
goes into is like this relationship.
But Eric would go on to create an
1229
00:106:41.119 --> 00:106:45.359
organization called we're all a little crazy
from his experiences with mental health and trauma,
1230
00:106:46.000 --> 00:106:50.869
and he would create these alliances with
celebrities and athletes to tell their story
1231
00:106:51.069 --> 00:106:59.029
using a Hashtag called same here,
which is their messaging of we all go
1232
00:106:59.270 --> 00:107:05.220
through similar life circumstances that affect us
and our mental health in different ways and
1233
00:107:05.380 --> 00:107:11.899
that it's okay to not be okay
and that everybody lives on a spectrum of
1234
00:107:12.020 --> 00:107:16.369
something, whether we are conscious of
it or not, or we at least
1235
00:107:16.409 --> 00:107:23.090
know someone has been affected by it. And he also has a lines of
1236
00:107:24.449 --> 00:107:30.079
healthcare professionals and he does a bunch
of college tours. Super, super well
1237
00:107:30.119 --> 00:107:38.640
rounded organization. Again that I felt
like I had no business talking to and
1238
00:107:39.920 --> 00:107:43.279
I'm trying to understand why this guy's
even letting me pitch this idea. But
1239
00:107:43.880 --> 00:107:46.670
I pitched him the idea of like
hey, you know, Zack's doing this
1240
00:107:46.750 --> 00:107:50.270
podcast. I think would be a
cool idea, since we have similar stories,
1241
00:107:50.310 --> 00:107:54.590
to host a podcast and use your
platform. You already have a built
1242
00:107:54.670 --> 00:108:00.300
in listening base. You have all
these great athletes and artists and actors that
1243
00:108:00.420 --> 00:108:03.699
we can leverage for stories because they've
already published their stories in a written form
1244
00:108:03.739 --> 00:108:10.220
or in foreign video interviews. You
know how you feel about that. And
1245
00:108:10.260 --> 00:108:12.220
he was like yeah, man,
we've been trying to get that going for
1246
00:108:12.260 --> 00:108:15.289
a long time at something's been on
our radar. You produce it and host
1247
00:108:15.329 --> 00:108:19.689
it and we'll make it happen,
and so I did. I embarked on
1248
00:108:19.810 --> 00:108:30.399
this journey of stepping well outside my
creative comfort zone and getting into studio equipment.
1249
00:108:30.479 --> 00:108:35.319
Of originally it was a video interviews, so cameras, microphones, lighting,
1250
00:108:38.840 --> 00:108:45.630
set, furniture, writing, you
know, like basic talking points.
1251
00:108:46.189 --> 00:108:50.189
I was doing. I was doing
everything. I I did all the branding
1252
00:108:50.229 --> 00:108:54.949
for I did the marketing for it, the messaging for it, I mean
1253
00:108:55.350 --> 00:109:00.140
everything, literally, everything was Eric
and I've just like piecemeal in the sing
1254
00:109:00.180 --> 00:109:08.979
together and it it was such like
a comforting thing to do, like when
1255
00:109:09.020 --> 00:109:13.130
it was all sent and done and
we're up and running, because up until
1256
00:109:13.170 --> 00:109:16.810
then it was very stressful, want
to be honest, trying to battle my
1257
00:109:17.529 --> 00:109:27.000
symptoms of dissociation and anxiety and panic
attacks and also become a executive producer of
1258
00:109:28.079 --> 00:109:30.960
podcast. I knew nothing about audio. I no background and audio, I
1259
00:109:31.039 --> 00:109:34.279
had no background and video except for
what I saw at, you know,
1260
00:109:34.399 --> 00:109:41.909
the diamondbacks in San Francisco. So
it was a whole other world. And
1261
00:109:42.390 --> 00:109:45.750
once we're up and running, man, like what a blessing it was to
1262
00:109:45.789 --> 00:109:50.149
be able to like have my own
space, to sit there and be like
1263
00:109:50.470 --> 00:109:57.539
hey, world, this happens to
people and this is my story and this
1264
00:109:57.579 --> 00:110:00.859
is what I went through and it's
okay. And if you're going through it
1265
00:110:00.899 --> 00:110:05.899
too, like that's okay and like
other people are here for you and there's
1266
00:110:06.060 --> 00:110:12.449
there's there's professionals out there that can
help you, you know. So getting
1267
00:110:12.449 --> 00:110:18.010
to have Eric share his story and
then having the the athletes that we are
1268
00:110:18.050 --> 00:110:24.159
able to have on the show,
I mean just amazing. People willing to
1269
00:110:24.199 --> 00:110:29.159
take time out of their day and, you know, people who are still
1270
00:110:29.159 --> 00:110:32.720
battling stuff and trying to make a
positive difference with their story, you know,
1271
00:110:33.079 --> 00:110:38.149
coming on the show and sharing their
story. I mean that was that
1272
00:110:38.310 --> 00:110:41.029
was a huge wake up call for
me for how I'm allowed to talk about
1273
00:110:41.029 --> 00:110:44.750
it, how I'm allowed to feel
about what I'm going through. Had that,
1274
00:110:44.869 --> 00:110:48.430
I can be a professional and I
can be a designer and a professional
1275
00:110:48.590 --> 00:110:54.739
environment. I could still be accepted
at a senior level in in product design,
1276
00:110:54.779 --> 00:110:57.899
I could still have a girlfriend,
I could still own a house if
1277
00:110:57.939 --> 00:111:00.859
I want to, and have kids
like it made me feel like, Hey,
1278
00:111:00.899 --> 00:111:05.569
there's still a chance to like be
a functioning person like these, these
1279
00:111:05.729 --> 00:111:12.050
these symptoms don't define what you deserve, you know. Yeah, yeah,
1280
00:111:12.609 --> 00:111:19.119
it's and it's powerful story, because
you're there's so many people, there's so
1281
00:111:19.159 --> 00:111:25.239
many people who are listening to this
podcast who have already reached out, only
1282
00:111:25.279 --> 00:111:29.079
had a couple episodes to say you
know, hey, this is exactly what
1283
00:111:29.199 --> 00:111:32.550
I needed to hear. And how
do we talk about this? More if
1284
00:111:32.590 --> 00:111:38.350
you were to tell them one thing
from the things you learned in the signals
1285
00:111:38.430 --> 00:111:45.470
that you had throughout your life and
your experiences throughout sports and agency world,
1286
00:111:45.510 --> 00:111:51.779
but I'll dealing with loss, in
dealing with some pretty major mental health issues,
1287
00:111:51.819 --> 00:112:01.369
especially with the associated just association.
Tell tell them, you know that
1288
00:112:02.409 --> 00:112:04.609
what you would want. What do
you want to say to them at this
1289
00:112:04.770 --> 00:112:10.930
point? Let them know that it's
okay to talk about these things. Yeah,
1290
00:112:11.850 --> 00:112:15.000
and and more so than that,
like there is nothing more important than
1291
00:112:15.079 --> 00:112:20.720
your health, there is nothing more
important than how you exist in your life
1292
00:112:20.880 --> 00:112:29.159
every single day, and there's I'm
not saying this in an arrogant way,
1293
00:112:29.199 --> 00:112:33.069
but there's so many people out there
that are selfless individuals, like myself,
1294
00:112:33.149 --> 00:112:35.989
that would rather put other people first, whether it's in a relationship, whether
1295
00:112:36.029 --> 00:112:44.270
it's in work, whether it's in
your faith, whatever it is, you
1296
00:112:44.380 --> 00:112:53.979
don't always have to be a giver
before you take inventory and focus on giving
1297
00:112:54.060 --> 00:112:58.180
back to yourself. Because what ends
up happening, and it's something we hear
1298
00:112:58.260 --> 00:113:00.930
often, we never take seriously,
and I never took seriously as is,
1299
00:113:02.210 --> 00:113:10.729
if, if you're not happy,
then how are you supposed to give happiness?
1300
00:113:10.970 --> 00:113:14.479
Right, so it's like it's the
same thing of like, if you
1301
00:113:14.560 --> 00:113:16.600
don't take care of your your self, how are you supposed to have a
1302
00:113:16.880 --> 00:113:21.079
fuel, a full tank, to
be able to give that love that you
1303
00:113:21.199 --> 00:113:25.439
want to give to others? Right, you're only giving a part of yourself.
1304
00:113:25.600 --> 00:113:29.350
And so, if not for yourself, like you deserve it for yourself.
1305
00:113:29.550 --> 00:113:32.109
You owe it to yourself to live
the best possible life that you can,
1306
00:113:32.630 --> 00:113:38.270
regardless of whatever you're facing. It
doesn't matter what your status is,
1307
00:113:38.470 --> 00:113:41.779
how much money you make, what
your job title is, where you live,
1308
00:113:41.859 --> 00:113:44.819
who you're married to, like,
nobody cares at the end of the
1309
00:113:44.859 --> 00:113:47.500
day, if your health sucks,
because you're the only one that has to
1310
00:113:47.579 --> 00:113:54.340
go through that pain. Like when
we say were we're you know you're not
1311
00:113:54.500 --> 00:113:59.010
alone, like that's referring to the
fact that everybody's here to support you.
1312
00:113:59.810 --> 00:114:01.689
Right, like everyone here's here to
lift you up and to show you that
1313
00:114:01.810 --> 00:114:04.289
there's hope and to show you that
there's tools and to show you that it's
1314
00:114:04.289 --> 00:114:08.289
okay, that there's no shame around
it. But at the end of the
1315
00:114:08.289 --> 00:114:14.079
day, the work comes down to
the individual and that's that's what I want
1316
00:114:14.119 --> 00:114:19.720
to tell people. Is like when
you when you feel yourself being drained,
1317
00:114:20.119 --> 00:114:28.670
being by whether it's burnout in the
workplace, whether it's trauma from Your Life,
1318
00:114:28.710 --> 00:114:31.710
like we've talked about today, like
losing friends and family, whether it's
1319
00:114:31.710 --> 00:114:35.670
a divorce, like there's big t
trauma and their small te trauma right,
1320
00:114:35.710 --> 00:114:40.460
there's there's things like death and war
and and all those things in their small
1321
00:114:40.500 --> 00:114:44.420
t trauma, like family dynamics and
bullying and that kind of stuff. Those
1322
00:114:44.500 --> 00:114:46.460
things are all real and they all
get stored in your body and they all
1323
00:114:47.220 --> 00:114:53.250
will manifest itself in some way,
even if it's at a subconscious level that
1324
00:114:53.329 --> 00:114:58.890
maybe you don't notice. If,
if you ever get to a point where
1325
00:114:58.890 --> 00:115:02.409
you notice that something's not right,
that you're don't feel like yourself, it
1326
00:115:02.609 --> 00:115:09.159
is never too soon to get help. And when when? I think what
1327
00:115:09.279 --> 00:115:14.880
people get caught up on to is
that the phrase of getting help, because
1328
00:115:14.880 --> 00:115:19.840
I've talked to so many friends through
and colleagues for that matter, because of
1329
00:115:20.000 --> 00:115:24.909
what I've experienced and what I've shared, and they're still afraid to go to
1330
00:115:24.989 --> 00:115:28.029
therapy. And I try to tell
them, like, Hey, if you
1331
00:115:28.270 --> 00:115:30.590
had something that you didn't know was
going on with you physically and like you
1332
00:115:30.670 --> 00:115:33.710
didn't know what it was, would
you go to doctor right? Yes,
1333
00:115:34.149 --> 00:115:38.699
okay, so, if that's happening
in your brain, which controls your body,
1334
00:115:39.300 --> 00:115:43.739
why wouldn't you go take care of
that in the environment which is dedicated
1335
00:115:43.819 --> 00:115:47.619
to figuring that out? And they're
the same. I get the same answer
1336
00:115:47.659 --> 00:115:50.329
every time. I Oh, I
don't know, man, like you know,
1337
00:115:50.489 --> 00:115:54.609
it's it's just it's just weird for
me. I'm a male or I
1338
00:115:54.689 --> 00:115:57.689
don't know, man, it's how
would my family think about that? WHO
1339
00:115:57.770 --> 00:116:00.489
gives a shit? That's my answer, like, let's be let this is
1340
00:116:00.569 --> 00:116:03.319
the first time we're like, I
don't have to and thank you for giving
1341
00:116:03.319 --> 00:116:05.479
me the space, but like,
this is the first time. I don't
1342
00:116:05.520 --> 00:116:09.920
have to be over professional about it, like, who gives a shit what
1343
00:116:10.039 --> 00:116:15.359
other people think? Go get help
for yourself, man, like or or
1344
00:116:15.479 --> 00:116:18.909
miss like, go get go help
yourself, like you owe it to yourself
1345
00:116:18.949 --> 00:116:25.670
to be healthy and there is no
difference going to a doctor for your mind
1346
00:116:25.789 --> 00:116:30.069
and there is going to a doctor
for your body or going to talk to
1347
00:116:30.350 --> 00:116:36.579
a spiritual counselor of any type for
your soul, for your your spirit.
1348
00:116:36.739 --> 00:116:44.739
Like those people are there for reasons
and it's a stigma that's been created because
1349
00:116:44.899 --> 00:116:50.529
we've had gender roles in society that
or or not even general roles backgrounds right.
1350
00:116:51.569 --> 00:116:55.489
What one of my friends is is
Hispanic, one of my best friends
1351
00:116:55.609 --> 00:117:00.760
come you know, he's he's from
here, he's Hispanic and he wanted his
1352
00:117:00.920 --> 00:117:05.960
reason for not getting help is because
it's almost impossible to talk about in his
1353
00:117:06.159 --> 00:117:15.079
community right to be a Mexican American
and to have grown up in that culture.
1354
00:117:15.710 --> 00:117:17.470
Men Do not talk about their mental
health. That's what that's what I've
1355
00:117:17.470 --> 00:117:20.189
been told. I've obviously never lived
in his shoes, so I'm just repeating
1356
00:117:20.229 --> 00:117:25.789
what he has told me, but
it's something I hear all the time and
1357
00:117:26.270 --> 00:117:30.659
it's it breaks my heart because I
know what it feels like to suffer silently
1358
00:117:30.140 --> 00:117:34.819
and still try to be somebody that
you're expected to be in every situation you
1359
00:117:35.020 --> 00:117:40.619
go into in that day and the
best thing that I could that I can
1360
00:117:40.699 --> 00:117:44.369
continue to reiterate, and I'll be
a broken record if that's it takes,
1361
00:117:44.569 --> 00:117:48.289
is it's the best thing you will
ever do for yourself to walk into a
1362
00:117:48.369 --> 00:117:54.170
therapist office. Is it going to
be the right therapist for you? I
1363
00:117:54.250 --> 00:117:58.569
don't know it. It's a relationship
just like any other one that you have
1364
00:117:58.680 --> 00:118:03.039
to explore and build right. So
not not. The first therapist might not
1365
00:118:03.159 --> 00:118:06.039
be the best therapist for you.
I went through a couple before I found
1366
00:118:06.039 --> 00:118:12.479
the right therapist for myself and there's
so many different focuses right depending on what
1367
00:118:12.520 --> 00:118:17.270
you're dealing with, that you can
explore and I just can't be more forward
1368
00:118:17.390 --> 00:118:23.189
by saying like, don't care about
what other people think about you, because
1369
00:118:23.229 --> 00:118:26.430
at the end of the day,
they want you alive, they want you
1370
00:118:26.510 --> 00:118:30.300
around, they want you to be
yourself, they want you to be happy,
1371
00:118:30.420 --> 00:118:32.739
they want you to enjoy life the
way they're enjoying it and they want
1372
00:118:32.779 --> 00:118:36.659
you to be able to enjoy it
at at your fullest capacity. Everyone wants
1373
00:118:36.699 --> 00:118:40.659
that for their friends and family.
So whether or not they understand mental health,
1374
00:118:41.850 --> 00:118:44.170
which I will say, which I
know a lot of people struggle with.
1375
00:118:44.210 --> 00:118:46.090
I've struggled with it. It was, it's been the biggest struggle for
1376
00:118:46.210 --> 00:118:51.529
me is is family. They just
they just don't understand it. And that's
1377
00:118:51.569 --> 00:118:56.319
okay because at the end of the
day they still care about my wellbeing,
1378
00:118:57.439 --> 00:119:00.600
and so does anyone who's listening.
So does your family or your friends or
1379
00:119:00.680 --> 00:119:05.199
your colleagues. There are people out
there who care about you and and and
1380
00:119:06.439 --> 00:119:10.109
I just want to read it reiterate
the fact that, like you, deserve
1381
00:119:10.949 --> 00:119:15.510
to live the best version of your
life that you can live. Amen.
1382
00:119:15.710 --> 00:119:19.109
I mean, it's it's not much
more to say after that really, because
1383
00:119:19.149 --> 00:119:21.989
that you've kind of nailed on the
head. It's everything that we, everybody,
1384
00:119:23.029 --> 00:119:25.500
needs to hear. It's what we've
talked about in these past two episodes,
1385
00:119:25.619 --> 00:119:29.300
is what we're going to talk about
in the next fifty episodes, in
1386
00:119:29.460 --> 00:119:35.380
that, you know, we've got
to stop caring about the stigmas that are
1387
00:119:35.380 --> 00:119:41.850
around us. You've got to stop
caring about the dream job scenario that that
1388
00:119:42.409 --> 00:119:46.329
is crushing our mental health and we've
got to start taking care of each other
1389
00:119:46.770 --> 00:119:53.520
and ourselves. Are primarily, you
know, watch out for compassion fatigue,
1390
00:119:53.560 --> 00:119:56.680
which is, you know, which
is again, you know, trying to
1391
00:119:56.800 --> 00:120:01.039
make everybody like you and and just
be really cautious of the signals when you
1392
00:120:01.159 --> 00:120:05.960
see them, and I think as
as a as a whole. You know,
1393
00:120:06.270 --> 00:120:11.949
the world starting to talk about mental
health more and we are working on
1394
00:120:12.069 --> 00:120:14.630
breaking the Sigmas. We have a
long way to go, just like we
1395
00:120:14.710 --> 00:120:15.909
have a long way to go and
a lot of other things we're dealing with
1396
00:120:15.989 --> 00:120:25.539
in this country. And so and
I appreciate you coming on being so open
1397
00:120:25.579 --> 00:120:29.340
and so candid about your story.
I know it's not easy, but I
1398
00:120:29.460 --> 00:120:33.659
think if somebody can get something out
of it, than a little be completely
1399
00:120:33.739 --> 00:120:38.569
worth it. And I'll ask you
one more question than I ask everybody else.
1400
00:120:39.329 --> 00:120:44.489
If you're going to give your younger
self, skater, I'll some advice.
1401
00:120:45.050 --> 00:120:49.000
Knowing what you know now, what
would you tell yourself? That question
1402
00:120:49.039 --> 00:120:58.560
gave me goosebumps. I would tell
myself that people care about you. I
1403
00:120:58.720 --> 00:121:10.989
would say that your family loves you
and your friends love you and that that
1404
00:121:11.229 --> 00:121:21.699
what you that what you are experiencing
was not your fault, and to get
1405
00:121:21.779 --> 00:121:30.220
help sooner and to love yourself through
the process. And that would that would
1406
00:121:30.260 --> 00:121:44.930
probably be my advice to younger me, for sure. Oh Man, I
1407
00:121:44.970 --> 00:121:50.319
appreciate you and so glad we are
able to reconnect after a long time.
1408
00:121:50.600 --> 00:121:55.560
Still family, families, family.
Once you're in it, you're in it.
1409
00:121:56.119 --> 00:122:00.750
Pray that you know you're healing continues
and then we really look forward to
1410
00:122:01.949 --> 00:122:04.789
going back in and diving into this
episode and put it out there for everyone.
1411
00:122:05.069 --> 00:122:08.949
Appreciate a man. Thank you for
having me on the show and thank
1412
00:122:08.949 --> 00:122:11.989
you for everything you guys are doing, or for everything you are doing and
1413
00:122:12.310 --> 00:122:15.659
the for telling your story, having
this platform for us to share our stories
1414
00:122:15.699 --> 00:122:24.340
and for providing tangible episodes as well
tangible tools. That's that's a change right
1415
00:122:24.420 --> 00:122:29.819
there, you know, aside from
just talking about it like that, that's
1416
00:122:29.899 --> 00:122:32.810
such a beautiful thing that you're doing
by by actually bringing tangible practices to people's
1417
00:122:32.850 --> 00:122:45.439
lives. That's real change right there. Hey, everybody, thanks for sticking
1418
00:122:45.479 --> 00:122:48.640
around until the end here. That
was a long one, but it was
1419
00:122:49.159 --> 00:122:54.279
pretty amazing to get a chance to
really talk to Kyle and dive into his
1420
00:122:54.399 --> 00:122:58.949
story with you all. If you've
enjoyed this podcast and want to leave us
1421
00:122:58.989 --> 00:123:00.869
a review, you could do me
a huge favor and please visit rate this
1422
00:123:00.949 --> 00:123:06.069
podcastcom creative af to leave a quick
note and, as always, if you
1423
00:123:06.109 --> 00:123:10.630
want to hit me up on twitter, it's at creative af or add John
1424
00:123:10.670 --> 00:123:15.380
Willie and that's Jo n w illlley. You can also find me on instagram
1425
00:123:15.460 --> 00:123:20.579
at Willie art or Jay Willie photo. I really appreciate you all and please
1426
00:123:20.619 --> 00:123:25.819
take care of yourselves and we'll see
you, hopefully soon for some more meditation.
1427
00:123:25.859 --> 00:123:27.489
All Right, talk soon.
