Fireworks

WEBVTT
00:00:27.059 --> 00:00:37.189
There it is. Now that is a firework somebody
00:00:37.189 --> 00:00:45.969
spent way too much money on that one And that
00:00:45.969 --> 00:00:53.750
one yeah, well they gave it a shot I like fireworks
00:00:53.750 --> 00:00:57.929
I Don't trust fireworks, but I sure do like them.
00:00:58.390 --> 00:00:59.969
That's how I feel about most things honestly
00:01:00.750 --> 00:01:03.270
Funny thing is, nobody ever washes fireworks
00:01:03.270 --> 00:01:10.590
quietly. Everyone's got commentary. Who is calling
00:01:10.590 --> 00:01:15.329
me right now? Hello? Is this the firework safety
00:01:15.329 --> 00:01:23.609
hotline? No, ma 'am. Oh. Hypothetically, if a
00:01:23.609 --> 00:01:26.950
Roman candle gets stuck in a birdhouse... No.
00:01:27.189 --> 00:01:31.290
You didn't let me finish. I don't need the rest.
00:01:31.750 --> 00:01:36.870
The birds seem upset. But they do. Can birds
00:01:36.870 --> 00:01:41.250
sue? Hold on. You know what? I don't want to
00:01:41.250 --> 00:01:44.769
answer that too fast. But it would depend on
00:01:44.769 --> 00:01:51.310
the bird. What? Crow? Yeah, absolutely. Why?
00:01:51.930 --> 00:01:54.890
You ever have a crow look at you? Feels like
00:01:54.890 --> 00:01:59.549
you are the one in trouble. I actually don't
00:01:59.549 --> 00:02:01.549
know how to answer that. I watched the crows
00:02:01.549 --> 00:02:03.430
steal an entire hot dog bun this afternoon and
00:02:03.430 --> 00:02:05.709
no one stopped them. They didn't even ask any
00:02:05.709 --> 00:02:18.729
questions. Hello? Uh, uh, fire, firework safety
00:02:18.729 --> 00:02:25.610
hotline? Still no. Uh, okay, okay, okay, uh,
00:02:25.729 --> 00:02:31.770
well, okay, but... If a bottle rocket lands in
00:02:31.770 --> 00:02:37.050
a swimming pool, does it become a submarine?
00:02:37.509 --> 00:02:41.669
No. Okay, well, you know, what if, you know,
00:02:41.669 --> 00:02:48.830
what if it goes, you know, under? Sure. Kindly,
00:02:48.830 --> 00:02:52.330
I need you to spend less time thinking. Well,
00:02:52.469 --> 00:02:55.770
you know... And I think that's genuinely good
00:02:55.770 --> 00:03:00.840
advice. Or most of us, anyway. Welcome back to
00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:03.479
Gold Reads Hot Takes. Tonight's episode is called
00:03:03.479 --> 00:03:07.039
Fireworks. Which feels appropriate. Half the
00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:09.460
country is setting money on fire on purpose.
00:03:09.900 --> 00:03:12.259
The other half is calling strangers with questions
00:03:12.259 --> 00:03:21.580
they should have kept to themselves. State of
00:03:21.580 --> 00:03:25.460
the devil. Hello? Is this the fireworks safety
00:03:25.460 --> 00:03:30.530
hotline? Yeah, sure. Why not? Can I light a sparkler
00:03:30.530 --> 00:03:36.090
with another sparkler? Yeah. And can I light
00:03:36.090 --> 00:03:44.669
that sparkler with another sparkler? Yeah. How
00:03:44.669 --> 00:03:49.289
many sparklers can I go? Somewhere around sparkler
00:03:49.289 --> 00:03:52.689
number 12, you're just saying where it goes.
00:03:55.629 --> 00:03:58.490
At this point, I might actually be the hotline.
00:03:58.909 --> 00:04:01.110
I've answered three questions. None of them made
00:04:01.110 --> 00:04:04.449
a lick of saints. Tonight's first story is called
00:04:04.449 --> 00:04:07.949
Godspeed. Every Western I ever watch, somebody
00:04:07.949 --> 00:04:10.270
says something like that right before things
00:04:10.270 --> 00:04:12.949
go sideways. It's written by Brady Flanagan,
00:04:13.090 --> 00:04:15.530
sound designed by Brady Flanagan, and voiced
00:04:15.530 --> 00:04:27.319
by M. Jeffrey Howard. Huh. Welcome back to the
00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:30.199
land of the living. Thought I lost you back there,
00:04:30.259 --> 00:04:44.139
Benny. Here, take a swig of this. Whoa, whoa.
00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:48.439
Take it easy. Nice and slow. That's the strong
00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:55.980
stuff. You can't just shotgun it. Shit. The sky
00:04:55.980 --> 00:04:59.439
is beautiful tonight. The quiet dignity of the
00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:03.959
goddamn wilderness. Huh. Look at all those stars.
00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:07.480
Makes you feel pretty insignificant in the grand
00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:12.459
scheme of the universe. You know? Yeah. You know.
00:05:14.040 --> 00:05:17.579
So, uh, look. You've been part of my posse for
00:05:17.579 --> 00:05:20.959
what? Three months now? You've been loyal, Benny.
00:05:21.360 --> 00:05:25.279
You've stood by my side. That raid against the
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:27.519
McCready gang would never have been approached
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:30.899
successful without you. I know that you took
00:05:30.899 --> 00:05:34.120
that shot at John McCready. Hell, five seconds
00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:38.439
later and I would have been a goner. I need to
00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:42.199
thank you for that. Sincerely. You done good
00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:47.180
by me and mine. But those things that attacked
00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:50.040
us in the cavern? The way they moved was not
00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:53.949
natural. The speed of a goddamn locomotive and
00:05:53.949 --> 00:05:56.949
the strength to match. I got one right in the
00:05:56.949 --> 00:05:59.910
chest and it stood back up like it was nothing.
00:06:00.269 --> 00:06:03.470
That hiss that it let out will haunt my nightmares
00:06:03.470 --> 00:06:06.829
for years. The only thing that worked was to
00:06:06.829 --> 00:06:09.649
go for the head. But we learned that too late.
00:06:09.930 --> 00:06:13.269
We lost everyone but you and me. And I thought
00:06:13.269 --> 00:06:16.769
that you were a goner for sure. Saw one of those
00:06:16.769 --> 00:06:19.889
things bite your neck. Blood was everywhere.
00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:23.720
But I was able to drag you out. But then, the
00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:26.959
strangest thing happened. The bite on your neck
00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:29.360
stitched itself together right in front of my
00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:34.459
eyes. I thought to myself, shit, this goddamn
00:06:34.459 --> 00:06:38.839
greenie got lucky. Then, I started to put the
00:06:38.839 --> 00:06:41.579
pieces together. Those creatures in the cave
00:06:41.579 --> 00:06:44.959
were once human. Hell, I think one of them was
00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.259
this chick that used to work in the brothel at
00:06:47.259 --> 00:06:51.110
Greenville. She was my favorite. But she disappeared
00:06:51.110 --> 00:06:54.290
about a month ago. I looked over some of those
00:06:54.290 --> 00:06:57.730
things that I killed. And shit, wouldn't you
00:06:57.730 --> 00:07:00.550
know it, they all had those bite marks on their
00:07:00.550 --> 00:07:04.769
neck. Every last one of them. How's that whiskey
00:07:04.769 --> 00:07:08.149
treating you? Feel a little dizzy? Disoriented?
00:07:08.670 --> 00:07:11.769
Yeah, I added a little something to the flask.
00:07:12.350 --> 00:07:17.709
I'm sorry, Benny. I really am. Don't worry. I'll
00:07:17.709 --> 00:07:20.709
be quick. Like we learned in the cavern, got
00:07:20.709 --> 00:07:24.750
to go for the head. Look up, Benny. Enjoy those
00:07:24.750 --> 00:07:28.930
beautiful stars for the last time. Godspeed.
00:07:38.089 --> 00:07:41.269
Now ain't that just how it goes. Nobody ever
00:07:41.269 --> 00:07:47.449
says, well, this'll be the last time. Why does
00:07:47.449 --> 00:07:52.610
everyone keep calling me? Fireworks safety hotline.
00:07:53.529 --> 00:07:59.410
Can I put fireworks on a riding mower? How many?
00:07:59.670 --> 00:08:05.769
About 12. Nah. But what if... No. I mean, I'm
00:08:05.769 --> 00:08:10.829
curious, but still no. I ain't never heard, watch
00:08:10.829 --> 00:08:14.629
this, improve a situation. Ain't it weird nobody
00:08:14.629 --> 00:08:17.319
keeps fireworks? I mean, after they're done.
00:08:17.500 --> 00:08:19.420
You don't see people putting them on a shelf.
00:08:19.899 --> 00:08:22.540
I guess that's just kind of the point. Can you
00:08:22.540 --> 00:08:25.339
imagine if fireworks hung around? We'd all quit
00:08:25.339 --> 00:08:35.340
looking at them after about a week. Yep. This
00:08:35.340 --> 00:08:39.379
is my life now. Fireworks Safety Hotline. Randy
00:08:39.379 --> 00:08:42.960
speaking. Can a raccoon legally own fireworks?
00:08:43.980 --> 00:08:47.049
I'm going to need some context. He's got money.
00:08:47.470 --> 00:08:51.029
That somehow made it worse. I'm going to transfer
00:08:51.029 --> 00:08:54.809
you. To who? The raccoon department. There's
00:08:54.809 --> 00:08:58.110
a raccoon department? Yeah, sure, there is now.
00:08:59.850 --> 00:09:02.509
And if that wasn't the weirdest thing I hear
00:09:02.509 --> 00:09:05.830
tonight, we are all in trouble. Tonight's next
00:09:05.830 --> 00:09:08.350
story is called Work Presentation. Written by
00:09:08.350 --> 00:09:10.250
Brady Flanagan. Sound design by Chris Boschel.
00:09:10.570 --> 00:09:14.309
Voice by Chris Boschel. And honestly... The title
00:09:14.309 --> 00:09:17.789
alone makes me nervous. Because everybody thinks
00:09:17.789 --> 00:09:20.610
they're afraid of public speaking. You ever stand
00:09:20.610 --> 00:09:22.470
up in front of people and suddenly forget your
00:09:22.470 --> 00:09:24.870
own name? That's a real thing that can happen.
00:09:25.070 --> 00:09:28.570
I forgot my address ordering a pizza once. I
00:09:28.570 --> 00:09:30.350
have to walk outside and read my own mailbox.
00:09:36.330 --> 00:09:40.389
Fireworks Safety Hotline. Ha, quick question.
00:09:40.710 --> 00:09:44.840
They are never quick. If I duct tape sparklers
00:09:44.840 --> 00:09:49.019
to a ceiling fan, does that count as an indoor
00:09:49.019 --> 00:09:56.899
display? Hello? Uh, sir? Are you currently looking
00:09:56.899 --> 00:10:02.019
at a ceiling fan? Yes. And are you holding sparklers?
00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:06.259
Also yes. Then what you're describing is more
00:10:06.259 --> 00:10:10.759
of a mistake that's already started. So that's
00:10:10.759 --> 00:10:22.820
a no. That's a... RUN! Got it. No, he doesn't.
00:10:23.539 --> 00:10:32.019
This is a work presentation. Hi. Thanks for accepting
00:10:32.019 --> 00:10:34.700
the meeting invite. I know that some of you have
00:10:34.700 --> 00:10:38.220
a hard stop at three, so I'll be quick. We've
00:10:38.220 --> 00:10:40.940
had a very successful year so far. with several
00:10:40.940 --> 00:10:44.240
of our medications reaching record numbers. A
00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:46.980
lot of this comes with the success of our salespeople
00:10:46.980 --> 00:10:49.620
who have connected to some new provider networks.
00:10:49.980 --> 00:10:52.879
You'll notice that our Q3 projections are...
00:10:52.879 --> 00:10:59.700
Ah! Oi! About time I could take control. This
00:10:59.700 --> 00:11:02.240
moron really wanted to show you PowerPoint, eh?
00:11:02.759 --> 00:11:06.120
You bunch of leeches. Sucking at the teat of
00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:09.460
the consumer. You see, the main issue with capitalist
00:11:09.460 --> 00:11:12.899
society is... No, no, no, no, it's my turn. You
00:11:12.899 --> 00:11:16.860
eat your turn, you leech. Well, bless my soul.
00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:21.139
Y 'all looking so confused and distressed. How
00:11:21.139 --> 00:11:24.460
about this? My friend Diana shared this picture
00:11:24.460 --> 00:11:26.960
on Facebook that I think will cheer you right
00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:30.899
up. It has this one -legged soldier with a dog,
00:11:31.059 --> 00:11:34.379
and it's his birthday, and Jesus is in the clouds?
00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:39.139
That's A .R., you imbecile! Count the fingers!
00:11:41.480 --> 00:11:44.419
I'm so sorry about all of this. I swear, the
00:11:44.419 --> 00:11:46.799
exorcist was supposed to come last night to handle
00:11:46.799 --> 00:11:51.440
this, but... But the poor lady came down with
00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:55.559
a rather nasty case of gout. Poor thing. There's
00:11:55.559 --> 00:11:57.740
an essential oil for gout that I saw on Instagram.
00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:02.759
Even comes with a diffuser. Let me just... Don't
00:12:02.759 --> 00:12:05.200
you dare try to peddle snake oil to these lovely
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:11.279
folks. Okay, okay. Moving on. It is expected
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:13.740
that if we maintain our current return on ad
00:12:13.740 --> 00:12:18.580
spend, we could be... Training. and life out
00:12:18.580 --> 00:12:21.000
of all of your shareholders and consumers for
00:12:21.000 --> 00:12:26.639
years to come. You no good maniacal... Lovely
00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:30.019
children of God, bless your hearts. You just
00:12:30.019 --> 00:12:34.860
need... A swift kick in the ass. Every last one
00:12:34.860 --> 00:12:40.220
of you is... Great! You're all great, I promise.
00:12:42.620 --> 00:12:47.750
This was all a test. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Catch
00:12:47.750 --> 00:12:50.789
the consumer off guard with, um, strange viral
00:12:50.789 --> 00:13:07.389
marketing. Oh, no! Yes. Viral. Oh, honey, you
00:13:07.389 --> 00:13:13.049
can't be here. Nigel, little help? I'm trying
00:13:13.049 --> 00:13:16.730
the best I can. Sorry, Christine. The Doctor
00:13:16.730 --> 00:13:24.690
is too powerful. Fools! The two of you can't
00:13:24.690 --> 00:13:32.149
stop me. I am free! Oh, would you look at that?
00:13:32.330 --> 00:13:39.669
A captive audience. What's going on? Never you
00:13:39.669 --> 00:13:51.000
mind. Let me just... Many souls ripe for the
00:13:51.000 --> 00:13:57.639
harvest. Try to get out, all of you. He'll do
00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:00.480
to you what he did to us. You'll be forced to
00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:08.240
join. Run! Now, now, all of you, calm down. Come
00:14:08.240 --> 00:14:11.399
now. You're all in the medical field, so you
00:14:11.399 --> 00:14:15.559
must understand. You are all just sick. stuck
00:14:15.559 --> 00:14:19.480
with this terminal illness called mortality.
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:25.840
The doctor is in. It's time for your medicine.
00:14:32.940 --> 00:14:39.860
Well, shit. Thanks again, guys. I'm probably
00:14:39.860 --> 00:14:42.960
gonna have to find a new job. In today's market?
00:14:43.559 --> 00:14:46.440
Forget about it. You read the Book of the Dead
00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:49.259
just one time and this is what happens. Fuck,
00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:57.059
man. You see? That's why I don't go to meetings.
00:14:57.480 --> 00:15:00.159
Every meeting got at least one word nobody actually
00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:07.559
uses outside of the meeting. Of course. Fireworks
00:15:07.559 --> 00:15:11.519
safety hotline. Can I safely store fireworks
00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:16.220
in my garage? And what's the catch? No catch.
00:15:17.159 --> 00:15:21.259
You're not hiding me in a birdhouse? No. No raccoons?
00:15:21.399 --> 00:15:29.399
No. No rabbits? What? Hang on. That is the most
00:15:29.399 --> 00:15:31.720
concerning conversation I've had tonight. That
00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:34.740
was answered way too fast. And that is what worries
00:15:34.740 --> 00:15:37.759
me. Anybody who answers questions that fast either
00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:40.460
knows something I don't or they're selling something.
00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:44.919
Normal people, they gotta think about stuff.
00:15:45.620 --> 00:15:49.220
Our next story tonight is called He Always Knows.
00:15:49.940 --> 00:15:52.220
Written by Brady Flanagan with sound design by
00:15:52.220 --> 00:15:55.759
Igor Nashin. Starring Martin Daramo as Skyler
00:15:55.759 --> 00:16:00.059
and Selena Matregor as Alex. Apparently, somebody
00:16:00.059 --> 00:16:02.980
learned something they really would have been
00:16:02.980 --> 00:16:06.129
better off not learning. My neighbor's inflatable
00:16:06.129 --> 00:16:08.330
eagle has been staring at me for three days.
00:16:09.029 --> 00:16:14.149
I mean, that's unrelated. But if something happens
00:16:14.149 --> 00:16:21.529
to me later, remember that I mentioned it. Psst.
00:16:21.909 --> 00:16:28.950
Hey. Hey, Kit. Oh, come on. Kit! Please wake
00:16:28.950 --> 00:16:36.280
up. Please, please, please. No way. Finally!
00:16:36.280 --> 00:16:43.940
Hey, over here! What? Where am I? Shh! Wait a
00:16:43.940 --> 00:16:48.460
second. I think he might be coming. If he does,
00:16:48.700 --> 00:16:53.519
don't look at his eye. He hates it when you look
00:16:53.519 --> 00:17:28.329
at his eye. I think we're okay. Are you hurt?
00:17:29.109 --> 00:17:32.049
I... What do you remember? I think I'm okay.
00:17:32.109 --> 00:17:38.109
Just feeling a little tired is all. Where are
00:17:38.109 --> 00:17:44.670
we? Who are you? I... I'm Skylar. My name's Skylar.
00:17:45.289 --> 00:17:48.230
I've been down here for a few days now. I...
00:17:48.230 --> 00:17:52.309
I think that we're under his barn, but I'm not
00:17:52.309 --> 00:17:55.880
sure. I've heard some animals above us, but,
00:17:55.880 --> 00:18:01.140
like, not all the time. Hey, Skylar. I'm Alex.
00:18:02.140 --> 00:18:06.660
Um... Uh, my leg is in, like, some sort of chain
00:18:06.660 --> 00:18:11.099
thing. What's going on? Who is this he you keep
00:18:11.099 --> 00:18:16.019
talking about? I... I'm not really sure. He's,
00:18:16.059 --> 00:18:19.119
like, this farmer guy, I think, but I don't recognize
00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:23.630
him at all. Also, sometimes he... I don't know.
00:18:23.650 --> 00:18:28.309
He looks different. Like, in little ways. Sometimes
00:18:28.309 --> 00:18:32.569
I swear he's taller or shorter than before. Sometimes
00:18:32.569 --> 00:18:35.970
he has, like, this weird thing where he has bones
00:18:35.970 --> 00:18:39.230
sticking out of his skin, like some creepy animatronic
00:18:39.230 --> 00:18:43.710
thing. Like FNAF sort of crap, you know? It's
00:18:43.710 --> 00:18:49.569
weird. But I'm probably just seeing things. Are
00:18:49.569 --> 00:18:53.160
you sure? This is probably just, like, A dream
00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:57.460
or something. You just need to wake up. Oh, I
00:18:57.460 --> 00:19:01.400
wish. I ain't never had a dream like this. Not
00:19:01.400 --> 00:19:03.759
with the sort of stuff that's happened. Wait,
00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:08.480
what's happened? When I got here, there was another
00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:13.359
kid. Kevin. Kevin had been here for a while.
00:19:14.960 --> 00:19:19.059
He tried to help me escape. It didn't go so well.
00:19:20.079 --> 00:19:23.119
We got out of our chains, but then the door that
00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:27.460
the thing uses, it just... I don't know. It wasn't
00:19:27.460 --> 00:19:31.779
there. Solid rock wall. We banged on the wall,
00:19:31.900 --> 00:19:35.119
screamed like hell. It didn't do anything other
00:19:35.119 --> 00:19:41.940
than cut up our hands real bad. See? Look. Then
00:19:41.940 --> 00:19:45.619
Kevin started to act... I don't know. Different.
00:19:46.220 --> 00:19:50.519
Huh? What do you mean? What is this guy doing
00:19:50.519 --> 00:19:56.599
to you? To us? He started to act all fidgety.
00:19:57.180 --> 00:20:00.039
Scraping at his arms. Started muttering under
00:20:00.039 --> 00:20:02.339
his breath, but it didn't sound like English.
00:20:02.900 --> 00:20:08.700
He... Ugh. He ripped out his hair in clumps.
00:20:09.400 --> 00:20:14.420
Like, all of his hair. You ever seen that? It's
00:20:14.420 --> 00:20:17.819
not like in old cartoons. His head was covered
00:20:17.819 --> 00:20:21.039
in blood. Little patches of hair poking through
00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:26.819
the red, but... The creepiest part? He laughed
00:20:26.819 --> 00:20:32.500
as he did it. Smiling all huge. It was the funniest
00:20:32.500 --> 00:20:38.880
joke in the world. What could make a kid do that
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:43.519
to themselves? What happened to him? He talked
00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:47.089
for like an hour to the air. pausing like he
00:20:47.089 --> 00:20:50.009
was having a conversation with someone. Still
00:20:50.009 --> 00:20:53.710
in that weird language. I shouted at him over
00:20:53.710 --> 00:20:56.269
and over, but it's like I wasn't even there to
00:20:56.269 --> 00:21:02.930
him. He was a cool kid. Said he was from Smithfield.
00:21:04.009 --> 00:21:08.410
My soccer team played kids from Smithfield. I'd
00:21:08.410 --> 00:21:10.829
probably seen him before all this, and then he...
00:21:10.829 --> 00:21:17.740
Then he... He won! I don't know. He stopped mid
00:21:17.740 --> 00:21:21.500
-sentence, turned slowly to look at me, smiling
00:21:21.500 --> 00:21:26.720
all big, and then he finally spoke English. He
00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:34.400
said, Hey, Skyler. Boo! And then he started to
00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:40.839
scream and laugh and scream and laugh. I don't
00:21:40.839 --> 00:21:43.579
know what happened next. I closed my eyes tight.
00:21:43.720 --> 00:21:50.109
I was... I'm so scared. I suck. I should have
00:21:50.109 --> 00:21:53.069
stayed with him. I should have tried to help
00:21:53.069 --> 00:21:57.410
him, but I didn't. I closed my eyes and cried
00:21:57.410 --> 00:22:02.529
until the laughs and screams stopped. I opened
00:22:02.529 --> 00:22:07.789
my eyes slowly and he was just gone. Oh my gosh,
00:22:08.089 --> 00:22:12.859
what a nightmare. That was last night. He was
00:22:12.859 --> 00:22:16.440
sitting right there where you are now. At first
00:22:16.440 --> 00:22:19.279
I thought you were him, but no, your ear hair
00:22:19.279 --> 00:22:23.160
is a little shorter. Well, shorter than Kevin's
00:22:23.160 --> 00:22:30.539
was before he, you know. I hadn't been able to
00:22:30.539 --> 00:22:33.799
sleep ever since I got here, but after Kevin
00:22:33.799 --> 00:22:36.099
disappeared, I cried myself to sleep, you know?
00:22:37.220 --> 00:22:43.160
Like I'm a toddler. Shit. I thought I was tough.
00:22:44.500 --> 00:22:48.319
When I woke up, you were there. I'm not sure
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:51.839
how you got here. Hell, I'm not sure how I got
00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:54.299
here, to be honest. I've been trying to wake
00:22:54.299 --> 00:22:57.220
you up for hours. What about this guy who took
00:22:57.220 --> 00:23:01.359
you? I mean, took us. What is he doing to you?
00:23:02.220 --> 00:23:06.000
Nothing. He just comes down here occasionally
00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:09.640
and walks around. Acts like we're not even here.
00:23:10.299 --> 00:23:13.240
We scream at him and he just smiles and then
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:17.319
he's gone. Well, does he bring us food? No. Water?
00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:23.519
No, he... he doesn't. I haven't had anything
00:23:23.519 --> 00:23:25.880
to eat or drink since I've been here, have I?
00:23:26.380 --> 00:23:28.980
Then you must be starving if it's been days.
00:23:30.380 --> 00:23:40.119
But... but I'm... I'm not. I'm not hungry at
00:23:40.119 --> 00:23:46.859
all. How am I not hungry? I feel completely full.
00:23:48.400 --> 00:23:56.140
And how does it feel to not need food? Like I
00:23:56.140 --> 00:24:02.759
can do anything. How? How is this happening?
00:24:03.980 --> 00:24:08.660
Welcome to Godhood, Skylar. You no longer need
00:24:08.660 --> 00:24:14.220
to play by their rules. We have no need for rules.
00:24:14.859 --> 00:24:21.200
We are above the rules. We only feast on the
00:24:21.200 --> 00:24:27.279
energy of our cattle. These humans, their souls,
00:24:27.680 --> 00:24:33.339
they are nothing next to our immortality. Skylar!
00:24:33.559 --> 00:24:36.579
Skylar, what's happening to you? What are you
00:24:36.579 --> 00:24:41.039
saying? I can't understand you. Of course they
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:45.539
can't understand you. How is an ant to understand
00:24:45.539 --> 00:24:51.200
the lion? How is the dust to understand the stars?
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:58.500
Alex Sweater, what are you talking about? What's
00:24:58.500 --> 00:25:03.839
going on? Cattle? What are we, like some vampire
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:10.519
crap or something now? No, we don't need to befoul
00:25:10.519 --> 00:25:15.940
ourselves with their blood. We only need their
00:25:15.940 --> 00:25:21.700
emotions. Their fear. Breathe it in, Skylar.
00:25:22.339 --> 00:25:29.279
Feel it. This Alex child is rife with it. Skylar!
00:25:32.779 --> 00:25:42.200
Stop it! Stop! Mmm, glorious. Once this one breaks,
00:25:42.599 --> 00:25:46.940
it will continue to feed our flock as it joins
00:25:46.940 --> 00:25:52.299
our numbers. Once they break? What do you mean?
00:25:53.519 --> 00:25:57.980
You know what I mean, Skylar. Look at yourself.
00:25:58.599 --> 00:26:03.480
You have broken. And now the pieces are coming
00:26:03.480 --> 00:26:09.220
back together. Oh, you were tough. You fought
00:26:09.220 --> 00:26:15.640
bravely. Bravo. But in the end, all mortals will
00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:21.819
crack at the screams. But the special ones? The
00:26:21.819 --> 00:26:28.619
truly special ones? They can be put back together.
00:26:29.869 --> 00:26:34.390
I thought that would have been Kevin. But he
00:26:34.390 --> 00:26:39.470
didn't stand up to the muster in the end. It's
00:26:39.470 --> 00:26:45.549
a pity. I rarely have to go so hands -on. But
00:26:45.549 --> 00:26:51.930
you... You are already changing. Do you feel
00:26:51.930 --> 00:27:01.410
it? What did you do to Kevin? You don't remember,
00:27:01.710 --> 00:27:07.069
do you? Well, it is true that we do not need
00:27:07.069 --> 00:27:13.049
to consume human flesh. Sometimes regrettable
00:27:13.049 --> 00:27:18.990
actions happen as we ascend. No. No, no, no.
00:27:19.529 --> 00:27:25.009
I... I didn't. What happened? Skylar, what is
00:27:25.009 --> 00:27:31.559
behind you? Wake up! You have not gone completely
00:27:31.559 --> 00:27:39.059
without food or drink. Pity. Skylar! Wake up!
00:27:39.079 --> 00:27:43.559
He's right behind you! You were like an animal,
00:27:43.720 --> 00:27:48.960
not a god. And it is sad to see you in such a
00:27:48.960 --> 00:27:53.339
state. Even more so considering that you may
00:27:53.339 --> 00:27:58.400
need to do it once more. Stop it! Stop it now!
00:27:59.619 --> 00:28:03.519
All that it takes is a little push and you are
00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:09.779
one step closer. Come, my child. Do what you
00:28:09.779 --> 00:28:16.819
must. What you need to do. He's huge, Skylar.
00:28:17.019 --> 00:28:21.039
What is he? It's like he's one of those puppet
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:24.980
guys above you. He's going to get me too, isn't
00:28:24.980 --> 00:28:32.390
he? Here. You may need this. Take it. And silence
00:28:32.390 --> 00:28:37.049
the brat. No! He's behind you! No! I can see
00:28:37.049 --> 00:28:59.069
him! No! Not Alex! I'll silence you! I didn't
00:28:59.069 --> 00:29:03.569
expect that now, did you? I'm nobody's puppet.
00:29:07.869 --> 00:29:15.509
Okay. Okay. Alex. We're okay now. Let's see if
00:29:15.509 --> 00:29:20.589
we can find a key and get out of here. Alex?
00:29:23.529 --> 00:29:41.319
Alex? So predictable. And you say that I haven't
00:29:41.319 --> 00:29:48.279
fed you. Go on now. Beast. We have work to do.
00:30:04.920 --> 00:30:09.259
I didn't need that in my brain. See, that's why
00:30:09.259 --> 00:30:12.400
I keep my passwords written down. Not where anybody
00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:15.019
can find them. I mean, I lost that notebook three
00:30:15.019 --> 00:30:32.000
years ago. Nope. Absolutely not. Fine. Fireworks
00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:37.119
safety hotline. Are you actually the hotline?
00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:42.599
At this point, maybe. Now, what's your question?
00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:48.000
If a squirrel steals a firework, who legally
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:52.579
owns it? The squirrel. Really? Well, he took
00:30:52.579 --> 00:30:56.160
it, and that's how ownership works. That's what
00:30:56.160 --> 00:31:03.569
I thought. See, that's not a question. That's
00:31:03.569 --> 00:31:06.349
a person looking for prevention. That's what
00:31:06.349 --> 00:31:09.450
bothers me. Nobody actually ends up in animal
00:31:09.450 --> 00:31:13.369
law. That's where the next story starts. A harrowing
00:31:13.369 --> 00:31:16.549
tale of betrayal and woe. Written by Brady Flanagan,
00:31:16.650 --> 00:31:18.569
sound designed by Brady Flanagan, starring Kirzu
00:31:18.569 --> 00:31:22.329
as Harrison, and Brady Flanagan as Terry. It's
00:31:22.329 --> 00:31:26.670
about a Reese. Yeah, kinda. It's about trust.
00:31:27.390 --> 00:31:30.450
Definitely. And based on the calls I've been
00:31:30.450 --> 00:31:32.829
getting tonight, I don't think rabbits are doing
00:31:32.829 --> 00:31:44.369
too great. What? Can a rabbit be charged with
00:31:44.369 --> 00:31:52.890
conspiracy? Seriously? This is a harrowing tale
00:31:52.890 --> 00:32:02.470
of betrayal and woe. You know that tale that
00:32:02.470 --> 00:32:05.589
adults teach kids about? The tortoise and the
00:32:05.589 --> 00:32:09.789
hare. They usually use it as some sort of allegory
00:32:09.789 --> 00:32:13.069
about slow and steady wins the race or some such
00:32:13.069 --> 00:32:16.670
drill. The tortoise kept going and going while
00:32:16.670 --> 00:32:19.490
the hare lazed about all overconfident and whatnot.
00:32:20.250 --> 00:32:23.609
Sure, it seems like a good lesson and all. Too
00:32:23.609 --> 00:32:27.809
bad that it's all based on lies. My name is Harry
00:32:27.809 --> 00:32:30.940
Harrison. And I have spent years in a legal battle
00:32:30.940 --> 00:32:33.720
with my old neighbour, Terry Tortison, and those
00:32:33.720 --> 00:32:37.000
hacks at the Fable Gazette for the smear job
00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:41.000
that they've done on me and my family. Let me
00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:44.619
take you back 13 years to a lovely July morning
00:32:44.619 --> 00:32:47.839
when my neighbour Terry saw me mowing my lawn.
00:32:59.999 --> 00:33:05.480
is immaculate this year. Thanks. I'm pretty proud
00:33:05.480 --> 00:33:07.259
of how clean it is. I was a bit worried when
00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:09.099
that family of voles moved in across the street,
00:33:09.140 --> 00:33:12.299
but it turns out they're pretty great. Oh, yeah.
00:33:13.640 --> 00:33:19.279
We're pretty lucky to live in such a great neighborhood
00:33:19.279 --> 00:33:24.559
with such supportive and loving neighbors who
00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:29.240
would always help a member of the community in
00:33:29.240 --> 00:33:33.160
need. Laying it on pretty thick there, Terry.
00:33:33.299 --> 00:33:40.759
Go on, what do you need? Of course! You can see
00:33:40.759 --> 00:33:46.579
right through me, neighbor. Out with it, Tordeson.
00:33:46.859 --> 00:33:54.880
So, my kind has been getting a bit of a bad rap
00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:59.420
the last six months ever since that story broke
00:33:59.420 --> 00:34:04.559
about Yertle and his throne of other turtles.
00:34:05.680 --> 00:34:10.010
Yep, that was pretty bad. Reminds me of that
00:34:10.010 --> 00:34:13.369
Peter Rabbit jerk who went on a burglary spree.
00:34:13.449 --> 00:34:21.030
Set us all back. Yeah. So, the guys at the office
00:34:21.030 --> 00:34:27.170
and I came up with an idea to rebrand. Show that
00:34:27.170 --> 00:34:32.030
we do not stand on the backs of others. That
00:34:32.030 --> 00:34:39.780
we are not lazy. Picture this. A tortoise marathon!
00:34:41.280 --> 00:34:47.380
Get the Gazette on board. We'll make it an event,
00:34:47.579 --> 00:34:54.159
huh? Okay, but I don't really understand. What
00:34:54.159 --> 00:35:01.460
do you want me to do? Terry convinced me that
00:35:01.460 --> 00:35:04.039
having a hare like myself involved would give
00:35:04.039 --> 00:35:07.280
a certain level of legitimacy to the marathon.
00:35:07.880 --> 00:35:11.159
I was more or less volunteered into being the
00:35:11.159 --> 00:35:15.519
event coordinator. I should have known that it
00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:28.780
was a setup. Come on, Harrison. Smile for the
00:35:28.780 --> 00:35:34.539
cameras. You are doing such good for all of us
00:35:34.539 --> 00:35:40.320
today. Where are all of the other tortoises?
00:35:40.320 --> 00:35:46.159
What's going on, Terry? Turns out that most of
00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:52.400
our kind actually is kind of lazy. I'm the only
00:35:52.400 --> 00:35:57.719
one that volunteered. And you couldn't have mentioned
00:35:57.719 --> 00:36:09.980
that earlier? It'll still work. Trust me. Now,
00:36:09.980 --> 00:36:12.139
Terry had me running all over the place to make
00:36:12.139 --> 00:36:14.179
sure that the mile markers were clear before
00:36:14.179 --> 00:36:16.360
the cameras got there. I should have noticed
00:36:16.360 --> 00:36:20.000
something was awry straight away. The first mile
00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:22.480
marker had a group of crocodile bikers blocking
00:36:22.480 --> 00:36:25.440
the path. I argued with them for a good twenty
00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:28.780
minutes, trying to get them to move on. Terry
00:36:28.780 --> 00:36:32.619
caught up to us and gave them a subtle nod, and
00:36:32.619 --> 00:36:34.940
then they left immediately, with a glint of satisfaction
00:36:34.940 --> 00:36:38.949
in their eyes. I kept going and found some sort
00:36:38.949 --> 00:36:42.829
of distraction at every step. An elephant circus
00:36:42.829 --> 00:36:46.369
crossing the path. A sleeping family of dogs.
00:36:47.170 --> 00:36:51.690
A group of worker aunts having a picnic. But
00:36:51.690 --> 00:36:56.170
the last mile marker... Well, that's when it
00:36:56.170 --> 00:37:06.960
all came to a head. Ouch! I swear! Those brambles
00:37:06.960 --> 00:37:09.380
weren't on the path when we scouted it out last
00:37:09.380 --> 00:37:14.340
week. Okay, there it is. That tree should be
00:37:14.340 --> 00:37:22.920
the last mile marker. Why? Hello, Harrison. Terry?
00:37:23.900 --> 00:37:29.480
How are you here already? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Don't
00:37:29.480 --> 00:37:35.050
worry about it, neighbor. Here. You've been running
00:37:35.050 --> 00:37:40.730
so much for me. Have a drink from my water bottle.
00:37:42.170 --> 00:37:48.190
I appreciate it. Sincerely. I need to sit down
00:37:48.190 --> 00:37:52.949
for a moment under this tree. So, how's it been
00:37:52.949 --> 00:37:56.269
going? The Fable Gazette getting everything that
00:37:56.269 --> 00:38:02.230
they need? Definitely, neighbor. And I've got
00:38:02.230 --> 00:38:08.449
to say, you've been marvelous. Oh, thank you.
00:38:08.889 --> 00:38:13.989
It's definitely been a weird day. I mean, I've
00:38:13.989 --> 00:38:22.010
never seen so many animals about like this. Lots
00:38:22.010 --> 00:38:25.250
of creatures are willing to help with a good
00:38:25.250 --> 00:38:35.500
cause. Oh, sure, but... I mean, what's going
00:38:35.500 --> 00:38:41.000
on? Everyone wants to root for an underdog, Harrison.
00:38:41.780 --> 00:38:46.539
Everyone wants to believe that they can be on
00:38:46.539 --> 00:38:57.579
top of the turtle's sack. Shh, shh, it's okay.
00:38:58.519 --> 00:39:03.260
Your job today is almost done. What do you...
00:39:03.260 --> 00:39:10.000
What did you put in that drink? Don't worry about
00:39:10.000 --> 00:39:15.400
it. Get some rest. The underdog is going to be
00:39:15.400 --> 00:39:20.699
a hero. See you at the finish line, neighbor.
00:39:28.940 --> 00:39:33.199
And there you go. The real story. The Fable Gazette
00:39:33.199 --> 00:39:35.659
took pictures of everything and ran an article
00:39:35.659 --> 00:39:40.139
slandering me. I wasn't even racing. And they
00:39:40.139 --> 00:39:43.599
called me unfocused, showing pictures to insist
00:39:43.599 --> 00:39:45.860
that I would rather socialise with crocodiles
00:39:45.860 --> 00:39:51.699
and ants than race. And then, of course, I fell
00:39:51.699 --> 00:39:57.579
asleep under a tree. Lies. All of it. I'll tell
00:39:57.579 --> 00:40:00.800
you this much. Slow and steady won't win the
00:40:00.800 --> 00:40:05.280
race. But underhanded tricks and drugging your
00:40:05.280 --> 00:40:08.880
competition sure can help. Next time your neighbor
00:40:08.880 --> 00:40:12.340
asks for help, run the other way. Especially
00:40:12.340 --> 00:40:24.199
if they're a tortoise. You know, I started tonight
00:40:24.199 --> 00:40:26.059
thinking that fireworks were the strangest things
00:40:26.059 --> 00:40:29.550
I'd deal with. Loud noises, fire, ambulance sirens.
00:40:29.969 --> 00:40:33.730
But turns out, I was wrong. I was happier before
00:40:33.730 --> 00:40:36.449
some of these phone calls. I started to not worry
00:40:36.449 --> 00:40:38.610
about fireworks. Now I'm worried about the people
00:40:38.610 --> 00:40:41.929
buying the fireworks. Somewhere out there, somebody
00:40:41.929 --> 00:40:44.949
is arguing with the squirrel. Somebody's building
00:40:44.949 --> 00:40:47.389
a legal case against the rabbit. And worst of
00:40:47.389 --> 00:40:56.360
all, none of that even surprises me. Nope. Not
00:40:56.360 --> 00:41:00.699
tonight. You had your chance. But if anybody
00:41:00.699 --> 00:41:03.039
knows why lawn chairs always lean slightly left,
00:41:03.099 --> 00:41:06.519
don't tell me. Some questions are better off
00:41:06.519 --> 00:41:21.880
left where they are. Thank you. Anyway, that's
00:41:21.880 --> 00:41:23.519
our show. Thank you all for spending part of
00:41:23.519 --> 00:41:25.599
your night with us. Whether you're watching fireworks,
00:41:25.860 --> 00:41:27.940
hiding from fireworks, or currently investigating
00:41:27.940 --> 00:41:31.539
wildlife, we appreciate your being here. Take
00:41:31.539 --> 00:41:34.239
care of yourselves. Take care of each other.
00:41:34.500 --> 00:41:37.539
Drink some water. Get some sleep. And if you
00:41:37.539 --> 00:41:39.460
happen to see a lawn chair sitting by itself
00:41:39.460 --> 00:41:41.960
in the middle of a field, mind your own damn
00:41:41.960 --> 00:41:45.880
business. Not everything needs an answer. Oh,
00:41:45.960 --> 00:41:49.000
and before we go, come hang out in the Discord.
00:41:49.460 --> 00:41:52.929
There's good people there. Some of them... Some
00:41:52.929 --> 00:41:55.630
of them concern me, but they are good people.
00:41:56.170 --> 00:42:00.250
And when you're there, just say, shoe in the
00:42:00.250 --> 00:42:04.170
freezer. Don't ask why. Don't explain it. Just
00:42:04.170 --> 00:42:07.730
say, shoe in the freezer. If you know what that
00:42:07.730 --> 00:42:10.789
means, great. If you don't, keep it that way.
00:42:16.969 --> 00:42:25.489
How for the love! What? Can fireworks get seasonal
00:42:25.489 --> 00:42:31.809
depression? Honestly, maybe. If they answer one
00:42:31.809 --> 00:42:35.869
more phone call, absolutely. Good night, everyone.