WEBVTT
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What's up, guys?
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Welcome back to the Chemically Imbalanced Black Girl Podcast.
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It feels so good to say that after what four months of not putting out any episodes, I'm so excited to come back and like talk to you guys and just revamp this whole podcast.
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Honestly, I recorded a bunch.
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Like in these four months where I wouldn't put out episodes, I recorded so much.
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I recorded a video episode.
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I recorded like three audio episodes.
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And all of them, I was just like, I feel like I'm about to go through like some type of like physical or mental change.
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And the bitch that's recording these episodes is not the bitch that needs to be recording these episodes.
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So I just kept waiting and I kept waiting.
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And like, I don't know if it was my voice.
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I don't know if it was the topics I chose to talk about.
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I don't know if I didn't like cross this like mental threshold of what I expected to cross.
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But girl, it was not giving.
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I was like, ooh, have I lost the spark?
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I'm not gonna lie.
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I thought I lost it.
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I was like, damn, how did anybody ever listen to my voice for that long for that frequently?
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Crazy.
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Um, but I waited, like I said, because I knew like the podcast wasn't over.
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I knew I was never gonna stop doing the podcast.
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I was just like, there, this is a season of me where I need to chill the fuck out.
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You know what I'm saying?
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And I have to get my life together.
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Girl, I moved out of my house.
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I'm into an apartment now.
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I am very much an apartment girl.
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My apartment is way bigger than my house because I lived in a hut.
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You hear that T?
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A hut.
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A hut.
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A hut.
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That's what I lived in.
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Um, and I just there's so much that I had to do in such a little time.
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Like my life got really good, and then it was getting really bad, and I was like, oh, wait, wait, wait.
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And then it got really good again.
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So I was like, okay, great.
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This is what I was waiting for.
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So I feel great.
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I really do.
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I feel really good.
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Um, I'm in a really good mental spot as of today, bitch, because you know that'll change.
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Um, but it hasn't been changing, y'all.
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I'm not gonna lie.
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Like, I don't want to try and be stuck on this, like depressed, even though that's just what I am forever.
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But you know, I try to be really open when I have those seasons of good where my brain is like being nice to me, and my bitch been fucking with me lately, so I I just felt like okay, this I feel good enough to like explain what's been going on.
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I feel good enough to like give my opinion again, like I feel good enough to like interact with the girls, and I think that's like a really hard part about podcasting because you go through this moment where you feel like you need to shut the fuck up indefinitely.
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Like, I love to give my opinion because I'm a very opinionated person, and I feel like my opinions are always most of the time on the right side of morality, so of course I love to give my opinions, but with social media being the way it is now, I feel like a lot of people don't know that they have the option to shut the fuck up, and I've been trying to exercise that as well as I can because some opinions just aren't necessary.
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Now, what I had to realize is that every opinion I have on my shit is necessary because this is my shit, and I'm gonna say what I want to say, you know what I'm saying?
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But I had to like even step away from that because it's just like just because this is my thing, you know, and it's my opinion, it's just like you still need to filter out what is gonna make you sound stupid, what's gonna make you sound ignorant, you know what I'm saying?
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Because I'm not trying to give my opinion just to say, well, I said what I said.
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I want there to be like some morality, some logic to back it, and you know, some humanity to back it.
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Um, so you know, I feel like the the safest and healthiest way to do that is to just take a step back, shut the fuck up, like think a couple thoughts because it's free, like and it and it won't be soon, you know what I'm saying?
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Like, really think about how you feel about stuff and like your first person opinion.
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Because I feel like we all get like third person opinions, second person opinions.
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Like, we always like if somebody says something, that's just our opinion.
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It's like, oh, I didn't even have to think about it.
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They said everything, they said everything I knew I would say, and it's just like, well, wait, well, wait, you know, like bitch, like like actually think about it.
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Maybe there's some changes you might want.
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Maybe you want to, you know, do a like a I don't know, you want to rewrite some shit.
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Like, maybe not take the whole opinion of somebody else.
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Like, think about it first.
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So I was getting myself caught up in that, and um, and I'd love to think.
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I think I have one of the most interesting brains.
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Uh look at me, look at me.
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Y'all can tell I'm feeling good, bitch, because who I'm feeling like?
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What?
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Do though.
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I feel like uh I do.
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I just feel like I appreciate stuff more and I can actually take the time to pause and be like, all right, bitch, what you what you really trying to do?
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And let's do that.
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Because you're stressing me the fuck out.
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Like, let's not do two things at once.
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So, and I've never been able to do two things at once.
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That's why this podcast ain't had an episode come out for a month because I was trying to get my shit together.
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And it is together.
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I hope y'all are proud of me.
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I hope y'all are doing well.
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I've been thinking about a lot of you, I'm not gonna lie.
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Um, and this is my problem.
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I know this has been my problem since I started this podcast, but there's been a lot of you who listen to this podcast that I got really sad about because I was like, damn, some of these people have really like open up to me and be like, damn, this is the podcast that I listen to like every week, every month, whatever the fuck, like that.
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Like you say things that only I've ever heard myself think.
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And so the first month that I didn't put out an episode, I was like, damn, I hope they don't like stop fucking with me.
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Like, I hope they wait until I come back with more episodes because they'll be great, you know what I'm saying?
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And girl, I was not planning on going four months without putting on an episode.
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I I'm gonna tell you that right now.
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It it was not like I knew I was gonna take a break, a little breaky break, but four months, crazy.
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And I just was like, I'm gonna put out another episode and nobody's gonna watch it.
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I'm gonna have to start from square one.
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And I don't know, I don't think I mind that.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like, I just feel so good mentally that I'm just like, fuck it.
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I'll start all the way over.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Even though I know I won't, even though I know you guys are gonna listen to this because you're gonna because I I've been getting the DMs.
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Like, I've seen the DMs.
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Bitch, where are you at?
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You don't know, y'all don't know how many from what what are we in?
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April?
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It's from like October.
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I've been getting eye.
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The eye emojis in my DMs, like, bitch, you good?
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Where you at?
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You guys don't tell me you did it.
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Like, so many of y'all thought I killed myself, and you know what?
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Accurate.
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That's an accurate worry, okay?
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That's an accurate thing to be worried about.
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Um, but I didn't, you know, so I hope you guys jump back in.
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And I'm really excited about all the people who haven't listened to any of the episodes.
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Like, I'm excited about new listeners.
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I'm just excited.
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Like, I'm I'm very happy, if you can't tell.
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Now, while I'm saying I feel so good and all this mental clarity that I have, it did not come cheap, bitch.
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You know what I'm saying?
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The past four months, I think I've had at least eight mental breakdowns, you know what I'm saying?
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Like a bitch has been dragged through it, and just emotionally, like, nothing bad has happened in my life, like outside of my emotions, you know what I'm saying?
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I've actually been doing really good as far as like life, like outside of my body, like work's been going good.
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I've even attempted to make some friends, bitch.
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I have a little like tiny friend group, which is crazy as fucking.
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I'm gonna get into that a little bit later.
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Um, so I've just been putting myself out there.
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Like my apartment complex has like little gatherings, like we'll have like a little date, a date night, bitch, please.
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We'll have like a little game night, we'll have like just a little like sip and paint, you know, out on the terrace and stuff like that.
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And I'll be going, bitch, trying to like meet people.
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Like, who is that?
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Who are you?
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What are you doing?
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Um, but emotionally, I've just been feeling everything, which I always do, always have.
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Um so I think I'm just really just not, I don't know, I'm just not letting myself be pent up.
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And like I used to tell you guys all the time in the earlier episodes, like my worst fear is getting desensitized by like anything.
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So when I need to cry, bitch, I'm just gonna cry.
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Like, I don't care who thinks it's dramatic.
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I'm obviously I'm not like loudmouth sobbing.
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But you know, I'm gonna let these tears fall because I think that the scariest thing about today is that nobody cries anymore.
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Everybody's like, oh, oh well, you can see you get shot every day, B.
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And it's just like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
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Well, let's have some emotions before we jump straight to that.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like, oh my god, I'm scared.
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Why is nobody crying?
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And this is like the scariest time of all like nobody scared?
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Mm-mm.
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I don't like that.
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I've just been feeling all the feelings, getting my feelings hurt, um having my feelings justified, you know.
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Um yeah, I've just been like allowing myself to like be an emotional girl, and I think um being a black woman, sometimes that's really hard for me because any emotion I give, somebody's gonna take it as angry.
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Even though that's probably, I'm not gonna lie, the number one emotion emotion I exercise is my anger because a lot, because I just can't stand stupid shit.
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Um, so I probably do express my anger more than I should.
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Actually, no, not more than I should, more as just as just as I should, actually, because people do stupid shit and people are getting too comfortable doing stupid shit.
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Um, but sometimes as a black woman, it just gets really hard for me to stay in that emotional like divot because I'm always gonna think that somebody thinks I'm doing too much, regardless of even the fucking emotion I'm expressing.
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I'm always gonna think that somebody thinks I'm doing too much.
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And to get yourself out of that is such a nice feeling, you know what I'm saying?
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Um, because you really just don't give a fuck.
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It's just like, okay, well, if I'm doing too much, get the fuck away from me.
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You know what I'm saying?
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Like, I'm gonna continue doing too much right here.
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You have the option to go somewhere else.
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So it's not even that I'm doing too much, it's just that you might be overstimulated by anything.
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You know, I don't know.
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I just I just can't what I'm trying to learn and stick with is that however my emotions make somebody else feel, I will acknowledge it, but I cannot trump it over my own emotions, you know what I'm saying?
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Like, I'll apologize, like if I overstimulate you, I'm sorry.
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Like if I'm distracting you, I'm sorry, but like you're gonna have to leave because this is my moment in my emotions, you know what I'm saying?
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So I don't ever want to come off as disrespectful or like I'm misunderstanding something, but I do need the understanding to lie in the fact that I'm not like I'm not gonna be quiet because you're uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying?
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Like if I'm mad, if I'm sad, if I'm happy, if I'm whatever the fuck, like that's not gonna be belittle because somebody else's emotions need to be heightened over mine for whatever reason, you know.
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I don't know if I'm explaining that well, but that's kind of what I've been going through over the past like four months.
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Yeah, basically, it's just like letting people know, like, hey, I hear you, but you're gonna unfortunately have to get the fuck away from me.
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You know what I'm saying?
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And and in the nicest way possible, which I love, you know, and I'm starting to realize that other people love that as well.
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Like, there um, there was a clip I saw of Bob the Drag Queen.
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If you guys also I've been really into drag queen, bitch.
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I started it when I was a flight attendant, and then I just kind of fell off because you know, that that life is just like bitch.
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If you can even sit down and watch TV, you're you're living too good.
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Um, but I saw a clip of Bob the Drag Queen talking about um who is he talking about?
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I think he was talking about Trixie, and he was like, This is the most fierce thing anybody has ever said to me.
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And she was like, Hey, do you want to come over for like two hours?
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And I just love that because that's something I do, you know what I'm saying?
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Like, I just you want to come over here for like from like one to three, you know?
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I just love that.
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I love that, and I've been so upfront with my emotions and like how I really feel, or like even when people are talking to me, like I've been so actually a little bit too comfortable with being like, you know, I can tell you're lying, right?
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And I just I don't know, maybe that's me about to be 30, like maybe that's me like just not trying to let people talk to me about shit that I just don't care about.
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Like, if you're talking to me, I think I should be able to steer the conversation in whatever way I want to because you're wasting my time.
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I didn't ask you to bring this up, you know what I'm saying?
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So, and I don't know if you guys have as uh uh I don't know, like I don't want to say like as good as discernment as me because I don't want to sound like I'm the pinnacle of like figuring shit out and like just knowing something, but I have really good discernment and I pay attention to people a lot because I used to people watch my whole adolescence because I never said shit, so I just people watch, and I feel like people who were quiet in their adolescence could make beautiful detectives because the things you pick up on people, you pick up patterns, you pick up like stutters, you pick up eye shiftiness, like you just pick up things about people where you can tell when they're not being honest or when they're I don't know what I'm trying to say, but the people who do it are are like bitch, I know exactly what you're talking about, you don't have to say no more.
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Like I've just gotten a little too comfortable now with being like if I can tell that the person is lying or embellishing or like trying to hype up the story and make it seem like something is not, I get so disinterested so fast.
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And I'm just like, can you please finish the story or like or like tell it regularly, you know what I'm saying?
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I don't know.
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And I and I think that's a little bit of a superpower because a lot of people don't know that you know when they're lying.
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Um, and I notice it all the time, even in my per like personal life.
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My friends do it.
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I I got a friend right now who lie half the time.
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He talked to me, and I don't even think he knows he's lying, you know what I'm saying?
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But I do, you know what I'm saying?
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And I'm just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
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Or I just don't answer.
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If I'm ever talking, if you're ever talking to me and I don't answer, or I'm not looking at you, it's because I know you're lying, or I know that part of the story is made up, and I just start I stop paying attention on the part of the story that I know you made up.
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I can't do it no more, y'all.
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Like, I just can't, like this is I can't.
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I can't.
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Every time I talk to somebody, it's gonna have to mean something, or you're gonna have to get away from me.
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Or that sounds so bad.
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But it's just like people love to talk about stupid shit, and I just I'm not, I'm not that girl no more.
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I can't do it.
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Um, and people are getting so comfortable with being so stupid too.
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And I use stupid very literally, um, because I think ignorance is something that you choose to be, but I think stupid is I'm starting to think that some motherfuckers can't help it, you know what I'm saying?
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Like, and that's sad, because you should be able to help that, but you know, y'all, I'm the same old, same old, you know, same old Zarya.
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Y'all like damn, this bit sounds exactly the same.
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I I feel the same, just with a little bit more like oomph, you know what I'm saying?
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Just a little bit more oomph towards life.
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:19.759
And also, can we talk about that for a minute?
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I know I might have said this in um earlier episodes when I was going through it, but I've been happy lately more than I've been sad, which is something that I've never been able to say in my life.
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And it's scary.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:44.720
So anybody who's ever wanted to kill themselves, or anybody who's ever been like suicidal or like uh like just deeply depressed.
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:47.440
I'm not crying by the way, I'm just sick.
00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:48.159
I'm always sick.
00:15:48.240 --> 00:16:05.200
What's new for the people who have gotten out of it a little bit and not saying that you don't have depression anymore, or not even saying that you don't want to kill yourself anymore, like maybe you just lost a desire to for a short period of time.
00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:14.080
Do y'all ever get scared that if you genuinely start to enjoy life, like I told you guys, like let's say this podcast blows up, right?
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:16.320
Because I'm now I'm scared for it too.
00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:19.519
And and just just stay with me.
00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:21.759
Let's say this podcast blows up, right?
00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:36.080
And it gets all these sponsorships, and I get so many like beautiful black fans that are just like, wow, these conversations are just real raw and like real true to being a black woman, and I'm getting all this money and all this stuff, and I'm actually starting to enjoy my life.
00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:57.279
The scariest thing about wanting to kill yourself is finally not wanting to, and and actually feeling like you're getting something out of life, and that your life ends by somebody's hands other than yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:01.120
Like that has always been something in the back of my mind that is so fucking scary to me.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.599
Like, what if the day that I actually open my eyes when I wake up and sigh relief?
00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:09.279
Like, damn, I love being alive.
00:17:09.440 --> 00:17:11.759
I love being here, I love what I've built for myself.
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:14.000
I can't believe I've ever I ever tried to kill myself.
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.720
I can't believe that I ever didn't want to get to this point, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:19.359
And I step outside and a fat ass bus hit me.
00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:20.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:21.519
Like, what the fuck?
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:24.079
I'm lying, I'm not lying.
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:33.279
That is scary to that's scarier to me than actually killing myself because I got brought here unbeknownst to me.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:33.920
You know what I'm saying?
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:39.279
They squeezed me through this little ass hole, and I just had to start paying for shit ever since, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:42.559
So, like, it wasn't nobody asked me to be here.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:49.359
So I feel like the most logical thing for me to do is to be able to take myself out when I'm fucking ready, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:51.279
I've always felt like that since I was a kid about suicide.
00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.759
It's like, well, damn, bitch, I can't even die by myself.
00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:55.359
Like, I can't even do it on my own.
00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:57.759
Shit, y'all even asked me if I wanted to be here.
00:17:58.000 --> 00:18:02.960
But to actually come to terms and be happy with life, I'm scared to.
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:13.519
Like, I'm sc I would be scared to admit how happy and fulfilled I am, like out loud, because I feel like the universe is gonna be like, bitch, bitch, okay, you happy?
00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:14.400
Watch this, okay?
00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:18.160
I was waiting on you to say that, little fuck ass bitch.
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:30.319
So it's just like I love the era I'm in, and I love the era that I'm eventually gonna be in, but it's just like, how do I trick the universe into not fucking with me?
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:31.279
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:35.039
Like, how do I trick because I feel like I done paid my dues and karma, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:36.160
I have never been a bad person.
00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:37.519
I've done some fucked up shit.
00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:40.480
I have been uh an accessory to some fucked up shit.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:41.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:43.440
I feel like I have paid my dues and my karma.
00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:53.200
So I just feel like if I was to get to this point of success and happiness, I feel like nothing bad should happen to me because I didn't did it already.
00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:53.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:56.000
Like, damn, what else do you want off a bitch?
00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:56.480
Her back?
00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:57.039
My skin?
00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:58.079
My bones?
00:18:58.319 --> 00:19:05.759
Fuck! I know I've had that conversation with you guys before, but like the happier I get, the more scared I am, and that's so fucked.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:07.359
That's what a fucked feeling, you know what I'm saying?
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:09.519
Because it's just like somebody finna make an example out of my ass.
00:19:09.599 --> 00:19:14.160
Like, somebody finna be like, damn, bitch, if only you would have kept that shit inside, you know?
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:22.000
So isn't it crazy how non What am I trying to say?
00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:29.839
Like, I'm I'm such an advocate for suicide and self-harm and depression and anxiety and bipolar and schizophrenia.
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.400
I'm such an open advocate for all of that shit, right?
00:19:32.480 --> 00:19:34.960
I've never once felt bad about talking about killing myself.
00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:35.200
Never.
00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:38.400
If anybody asked me, I'm bitch, I'm I am the butterfly.
00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:39.279
Like, let's talk about it.
00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:40.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:44.400
Because I've always just felt like that should be I mean, that's just my right.
00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:44.960
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:45.519
It's my life.
00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:47.599
If I don't like it, I'm gonna take myself the fuck out.
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:54.240
I've never thought about it as a as a bad thing, even though it comes from bad feelings, bad life, bad thoughts.
00:19:55.119 --> 00:19:56.240
Excuse me.
00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:03.359
But when I talk about being happy, it's almost like I have to whisper because it's like I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to get in trouble, bitch.
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:04.640
I'm just trying to express a little something.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:05.359
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:10.160
Like, I don't want, I don't want nobody to hear me say I'm happy because it's just like mm-hmm, we we got we got something for that.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:24.400
Cause it's like when you especially at in childhood, when you live a bad life or when you just go through a bunch of bad shit that's not your fault because you're a little child, you kind of develop this mindset of that you're supposed to have a bad life, you know what I'm saying?
00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:28.400
Like, bad okay, so bad shit just I mean, good shit just isn't gonna happen to me.
00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:29.039
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:29.119 --> 00:20:31.440
You just gotta chop it up at like the age of eight and be like, all right, bet.
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:32.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:32.640
Cool.
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:34.400
Oh my god, I have to tell you guys a story.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:35.599
Wow, I missed you guys.
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:36.480
I miss talking.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:37.920
Wow, I missed this.
00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:40.319
So speaking of that, I have to tell you guys a story.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:46.960
And I was telling the story to um a homegirl in mind a few days ago, which is why I remembered that I wanted to tell you guys.
00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:53.359
Because I, like I said a few minutes ago, I think I have one of the most interesting brains of all humanity.
00:20:53.519 --> 00:21:12.160
I know that is a really big claim to make because it's just like, bitch, we have heard you 84 episodes of being quite literally the dumbest bitch possible, but it's just like the way I think and the way I observe and the way I just I don't know, my brain is just really interesting.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:17.759
So I'm gonna tell you guys a story of when I first realized that I was gonna live a hard life, okay?
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:20.799
And I was like six, just buckle up.
00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:34.480
Okay, so this is in I can't remember if this was in Fayetteville, North Carolina, or if this was in Virginia Beach, because like around this age, we were going back and forth a whole lot between the two.
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:39.759
So, regardless of what state it was in, um, I was six.
00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:42.400
When I was five, I had this head start teacher.
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:43.039
His name was Mr.
00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:43.920
Wilder, right?
00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:48.559
He was a tall, like he was like 6'3, light skinned dude, very handsome, brown eyes, right?
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:50.640
All the other little teachers used to be on his ass.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:50.960
Mr.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:51.839
Wilder, Mr.
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:52.400
Wilder.
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:56.000
And I think his first name was like like Keon or something like that.
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:56.799
I can't remember.
00:21:57.039 --> 00:21:59.359
Um very handsome man, right?
00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:06.400
So Every time he saw me, because I think he was either the teacher of my sister or my brother.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:07.200
I can't remember.
00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:08.079
I don't really know.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:09.920
He was probably fucking my mom, to be honest with you.
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:10.960
I have no idea, guys.
00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:12.319
Because he was always just everywhere.
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:13.599
Like, not at the schoolhouse.
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:14.960
He was just around, right?
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:16.079
But Mr.
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:21.440
Wilder also used to dress up as a clown, like part-time.
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:22.799
That was his like side job.
00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:25.759
He used to like dress up as a clown for like parties.
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:28.240
He would be at the skating rink dressed up like a clown.
00:22:28.400 --> 00:22:36.480
It's so crazy because if somebody is from, I really can't remember where this was, but if somebody is from Fayetteville, North Carolina or lived in Virginia Beach at the time, they'd be like, bitch, I know exactly who you're talking about.
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:37.359
It's gonna be so crazy.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.000
What a life.
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:46.240
Anyway, so he used to dress up as a clown, and I remember getting invited to um one of the girls on my class's birthday party.
00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:49.200
She was turning seven, I think, and I'm six at the time.
00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:51.119
Well, me and Mr.
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:52.960
Wilder had like a joke going on.
00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:56.160
Every time he saw me, he would be like, You're five.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:57.039
You're five.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:58.000
You're a five-year-old.
00:22:58.160 --> 00:22:59.920
And I would be like, No, I'm six, right?
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:02.559
And I think it used to make me cry when I was a kid.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:03.519
I don't know why.
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:05.759
Because I was like, I'm not five, I'm six.
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.240
So every time he saw me, he would go, You're five.
00:23:08.319 --> 00:23:09.039
You're five.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:09.920
You're five.
00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:11.519
Just to fuck with me, right?
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:18.400
So I remember we go to this birthday party, and all the kids are like around, we're talking and shit like that, just having a good old time.
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:20.640
The parents are over in the corner, you know, drinking and smoking.
00:23:20.720 --> 00:23:22.400
Y'all know them early 2000s birthday parties.
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:24.559
It's like one big ass yard that's split in half.
00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:27.920
The kids with a little fuck-ass, cheap ass dollar store, water slide.
00:23:28.160 --> 00:23:31.680
The parents over here fucking smoking blunts, playing spades and shit like that.
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:32.319
You know what I'm saying?
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:34.319
Very early 2000s birthday party.
00:23:34.559 --> 00:23:39.519
Um, and so all of a sudden the back gate opens and a clown walks in.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:43.359
Mind you, at this point, I had no idea that this nigga did cosplay as a clown.
00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:45.359
Like I had no idea that this was a side job.
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:47.759
I had no idea this nigga got jiggy with any of this, right?
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:53.599
So and in my six-year-old brain, a random cloud clown just walked in the fucking backyard, right?
00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:59.039
So all of the other kids, it's not that many kids, it's like maybe 12 other kids, including me.
00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:01.759
So all the other kids like run up to this clown, right?
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:06.079
And they're like pulling on him and screaming, just doing what six-year-olds do, right?
00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:09.920
So I'm in the back by the huggy juices and shit, and I'm staring at him.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.920
I'm the only kid that's not at this clown, right?
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:13.519
And I'm staring at him like, mm-mm.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:15.599
Mm-mm.
00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:17.119
Right?
00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:21.119
I'm just looking at him like something about this nigga wrong or right.
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:22.480
I was like, I don't know.
00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:23.440
I don't know.
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:24.160
I don't know.
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:25.440
But I'm just staring at him, right?
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:27.359
I didn't go over to him because I don't know if I'm scared.
00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:31.200
I don't know if I know this nigga, but something about this nigga seemed familiar or not.
00:24:31.359 --> 00:24:32.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:33.599
Either way, I I don't know what it is.
00:24:33.759 --> 00:24:37.839
I don't know if this is my spidey senses are going off like what the fuck?
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:39.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:48.559
So he's making balloons for the kids and doing all that stuff, and I'm just like, you know, as he's walking around the yard, I'm like on the opposite side of the yard, like walking with him.
00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:51.440
Because I'm like, I don't want you to come near me, but also like something up.
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:52.319
What like what's up with you?
00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:53.039
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:56.640
Like, I know this nigga somehow, some way.
00:24:56.799 --> 00:24:58.400
And like he wasn't recognizable at all.
00:24:58.480 --> 00:25:03.200
He had a full face of makeup on, he had a full clown suit, shoes, he had the hair, he had everything, right?
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:04.400
He was not recognizable.
00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:12.079
But something in my spirit, I was like, nah, I know either I know this clown or something real fucked up about this clown.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:12.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:13.920
He shouldn't be here.
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:16.000
So I'm keeping my distance like that.
00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:17.680
He'd been there for like 20 minutes.
00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:23.200
I go up talking to one of the other parents because I'm asking for like cake, or I don't know what the fuck I'm asking for.
00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:25.039
And somebody tapped me on my shoulder.
00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:26.640
I turn around and it's the clown.
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:29.519
This nigga looked down at me and go, You're six.
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:37.680
When I tell y'all my eyes started watering, so I started to cry, I started to sob, like outwardly loudly sob.
00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:41.599
I started crying my ass off, and he's looking at me like, what the fuck?
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:43.680
So then the other parents came over, like, why is she crying?
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:44.880
And he's like, I don't fucking know.
00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:46.640
He's like, I don't know, this bitch is crazy.
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:51.039
And the reason I started crying is because I fucking knew it.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:52.799
I knew it.
00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:54.160
I knew I knew this nigga.
00:25:54.240 --> 00:25:56.640
Like all these other little dumb ass kids just ran over to him.
00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:00.079
No sense of urgency, no discernment, no, no nothing.
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:02.240
Just they saw a clown and they ran straight for it.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:03.599
Nobody assessed anything.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:04.640
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:08.079
My little detective asses over here, like, mm-mm.
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:09.839
Mm-mm.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:11.119
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:15.359
And I just I just started crying so hard because I was like, my life finna be a lot.
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.000
This is finna be a long ass life.
00:26:18.079 --> 00:26:18.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:22.480
Like, I'm not the type of person that just okay, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:22.559 --> 00:26:25.680
I'm gonna be like, mm-hmm, I don't know about all that.
00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:30.559
Like, if any, if there's anything that a lot of people are flocking to, I'm gonna make sure that I don't go to that shit.
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:38.960
And that's 100% because I'm not, I don't want to be a part of the masses, and I don't want to be included in every anything that everybody else thinks is a good idea.
00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:43.200
Because I think a flock is an idiot, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:43.279 --> 00:26:46.799
I don't think anything good comes out of a flock of people doing it.
00:26:47.039 --> 00:26:51.599
Because nobody in here is thinking for themselves, they just doing it because the flock is moving, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:55.519
And I hate to do that because I don't want to get caught up in some shit that I never really got a chance to think about.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:56.880
I just did it because these niggas doing it.
00:26:56.960 --> 00:26:58.640
You're not finna cut, I'm you're not finna get me.
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:00.559
I'm not finna get got, you know.
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:02.559
So I just started crying.
00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:05.440
And everybody was like, um, Zarya, you need to go take a nap.
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:06.960
And I was like, I don't need it to go take a nap.
00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:09.200
Actually, my brain is better than everybody's.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:10.559
Y'all need to go take a fucking nap.
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:11.279
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:12.960
Like, y'all need the power to fuck up.
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:15.440
Cause because the, I mean, this nigga could have been anybody.
00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:16.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:17.839
He over here making rubber dogs for shit.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:19.440
Like, no, I knew he was somebody.
00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:20.319
I knew he was.
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:21.279
I knew he was.
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:25.519
And that's the moment that I realized that my life was gonna be quite difficult.
00:27:25.759 --> 00:27:26.400
Quite difficult.
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:33.039
Cause I'm just not, I'm just not easily like, I'm not easily anything, really.
00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:34.720
Like, you really gotta get some shit out of me.
00:27:34.880 --> 00:27:35.440
You really do.
00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:36.720
And I like that about myself.
00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:38.000
Everybody wants to say it's difficult.
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:40.079
Oh, you dramatic, oh you da-da-da-da.
00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:41.839
And I'm never wrong.
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:42.720
Crazy.
00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:43.759
I mean, sometimes I'm wrong.
00:27:43.839 --> 00:27:44.319
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:45.200
I can't be right every time.
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:50.799
But you know, most of the time when I have a really strong feeling about something, I promise you, every time that happens, I'm 100% right.
00:27:50.960 --> 00:27:55.359
So it's just like, you don't tell me I need to take a fucking nap, and the whole time I'm over here busting the case open.
00:27:55.519 --> 00:27:56.160
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:58.720
Like, I'm over here six years, I'm fucking, you know what I'm saying?
00:27:58.799 --> 00:27:59.519
I'm busting the case down.
00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:01.200
You talking about something I need to go take a nap.
00:28:01.279 --> 00:28:02.640
Girl, fuck everybody in here.
00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:05.119
You're getting my Olivia Benson on, and you talk about a nap.
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:06.880
Bitch, focus on the case.
00:28:08.240 --> 00:28:14.160
Sometimes I wish that like, y'all know how the people do like home videos on like the VHS tapes.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:32.160
Sometimes I really wish that like I had more of those, or like I could turn my memories into VHS VHS tapes and like let people watch them because it's so funny when I tell people that like the same way I talk now and the same attitude I have is the same way I've been since I was literally six.
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:39.279
Like, I I've just never been y'all don't know how many times I've heard already shut the fuck up and go sit down, like you know what I'm saying?
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:48.720
Like, but then also being told to stay in a child's place while actively being put in adult places, so it's just like that's not gonna work for me, unfortunately.
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:49.599
You know what I'm saying?
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:58.319
I wish I could just show y'all because my childhood was a mix of just trauma and like heavy thought process, you know what I'm saying?
00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:02.160
Just like, how the fuck are we gonna talk about this as we get older?
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:05.039
And how are we gonna get make sure we don't get back into this shit?
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:05.920
Crazy.
00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:10.400
You guys, I do wanna end the episode, but like there's so much I want to talk to you guys about.
00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:12.160
I want to do like an apartment tour.
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:20.480
So the next um episode I put out is gonna be a video because I literally have when I tell y'all I have everything, I have everything.
00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:25.759
Remember, remember back in the day when I first started this, and I was like, Well, I need a camera, well, I need a ring light, well, I need a microphone.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:26.799
Bitch, I have like all.
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:27.519
I have it all.
00:29:27.599 --> 00:29:29.359
I have all of it right now.
00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.680
All of it, all of it.
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:39.759
So the next episode I put out is 100% gonna be a video, and I'll show you guys a little bit of my apartment.
00:29:39.920 --> 00:29:40.960
Um, but not a lot.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:43.920
Maybe I'll show the whole thing on Patreon because I will be getting back into Patreon.
00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:45.200
Bitch, I'm coming, okay?
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:48.160
I feel so good, I'm I'm not gonna take it for granted.
00:29:48.480 --> 00:29:54.240
But um, the reason why I'm not gonna show the whole apartment because obviously that video is gonna go on YouTube.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:30:02.480
And this one bitch on TikTok scared me because she was like, Y'all be showing y'all floor plans, like niggas can't put that in the chat or like AI and like look up where you live.
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:04.400
And I was like, you know what?
00:30:04.559 --> 00:30:09.279
Even though that is common sense, we not we still not finna do it.
00:30:09.440 --> 00:30:17.599
So um, I'll put it on Patreon because if you really want to look for me and find me, then at least pay me for it, you know what I'm saying?
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:22.000
So um, but I hope you guys are doing good.
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:42.559
This is the part of the podcast that I really want to make sure I do because I know you guys click on this to listen to me and stuff like that, but the best part of starting this podcast is like the things that people say to me about themselves, or about something that I've said that they find out about themselves, or they just tell me stories because our lives are similar, you know.
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:56.000
And so many of you have told me about you know your struggles with staying alive, or your struggles with just like being outside of yourself, and uh that just makes me feel nice, you know what I'm saying?
00:30:56.079 --> 00:31:01.599
Like talking while I'm actually recording the podcast makes me feel good.
00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:04.480
Uh, because you you know damn well the editing process ain't fun.
00:31:04.640 --> 00:31:09.680
Anyone who's ever done anything know that editing shit is like, oh god, do I even want a podcast anymore?
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:21.839
But when you guys talk to me and tell me how you're doing, or even when y'all just say, hey, like when I was telling y'all about the people who were sliding in my DMs with the eye emojis, like that felt so good.
00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:28.799
Because, like, I don't know, I told y'all when I first started this podcast, I was like, Ain't nobody gonna listen to me.
00:31:28.880 --> 00:31:35.440
Like, I got too strong opinion, too strong of opinion, my takes are weird, like you know what I'm saying?
00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:41.359
But I really like that you guys talk to me, and after four months, you guys are just like, bitch, what is going on?
00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:42.799
What is the problem?
00:31:43.359 --> 00:32:04.480
So when I act, when I when I say I hope you guys are doing really good, I genuinely mean that, and it's because I have examples in my DMs and even in my text message, some of you guys have my number of you know, times when you weren't good, and you know, you guys have literally heard me cry, so you you you could tell when I'm not good, bitch, I've been gone four months.
00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:15.440
So, you know, as much as you guys check on me and make sure I'm not dead, or you know, I didn't hurt myself or I'm doing okay mentally, like I genuinely mean it when I say I hope you guys are doing good.
00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:17.839
Some of you got married or engaged.
00:32:18.000 --> 00:32:24.079
I've been seeing you guys on Instagram, and I've been trying not to like be too personal, but I'm like, you know what I'm saying?
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:26.000
Like, oh my god, like wow.
00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:30.799
Um, some of you have started like your transitions, and I'm so proud of you guys.
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:40.240
Like, I I know that I haven't been putting out episodes, but I have been seeing you guys, and I'm just so proud of you because a lot of you are so much younger than me, and I can't believe a bitch is almost 30.
00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:43.200
Like, I'll be seeing y'all be like 24, and I'm like, ooh, I'm 24 too.
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:44.319
And I'm like, ooh, no, I'm not.
00:32:44.559 --> 00:32:45.920
A bitch is definitely about to be 30.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:47.039
Oh my god, ew.
00:32:47.359 --> 00:32:52.319
Um, so yeah, like I feel like like an auntie or like an old ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:53.519
Oh, Zarya.
00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:54.559
Oh god.
00:32:54.799 --> 00:32:56.000
I don't feel like an auntie.
00:32:56.079 --> 00:32:57.599
I don't please just forget I said that.
00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:03.119
I feel like an older sister, a cousin of sorts, you know, to some of you guys.
00:33:03.200 --> 00:33:05.920
Cause like some of you guys are super young and you're doing so well.
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:08.880
Like, I'm just so proud of you guys, and I'm proud of me.
00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:11.279
I hope you guys are proud of me the same way I'm proud of you.
00:33:11.519 --> 00:33:17.119
Um, and also, um, do I want to go into it?
00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:18.960
Do you do y'all want to do another 30 minutes, bitch?
00:33:19.039 --> 00:33:19.839
Because I got some shit to say.
00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:20.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:23.599
I'm acting like I'm finna wrap this episode up, and I'm and I might not, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:26.079
I just really want y'all to know that I appreciate y'all.
00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:31.839
And this pot this podcast isn't monetized by people at all, like by the people who watch it.
00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:39.920
And uh when it gets to that point, I just want to make sure that you guys know that I appreciated you before y'all started putting money in my pockets.
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:40.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:43.519
Like, I appreciate you for literally just kick, click, and play.
00:33:43.599 --> 00:33:46.720
Like, to even hear this point, like I really appreciate that.
00:33:46.960 --> 00:33:53.279
So I don't want you to think that, you know, I I don't know.
00:33:53.440 --> 00:34:04.240
I just want to make sure that my intentions are really in order and that you guys feel like I'm talking to you and not I'm talking to myself because I've been talking to myself for the past four months, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:05.839
Like I'm actively talking to you right now.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:07.039
You, yes, you.
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:11.599
Um, and I want to make sure that the people I'm talking to are good, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:14.239
Uh also I gotta stop saying that.
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:15.519
Let me let me tell y'all something.
00:34:15.599 --> 00:34:17.039
I'm not finna end this episode, by the way.
00:34:17.119 --> 00:34:19.840
This you I had I I saw your finger over the stop button.
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:20.400
Don't stop it.
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:21.760
We we finna keep going.
00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:29.280
Um so in the past four months that I haven't been putting out episodes, I told y'all I recorded some, deleted it, recorded some, deleted it.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:32.800
But I also went back to listen to a couple of mine.
00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:40.159
Uh, because the progression from like episode one to like the last episode I put out is insane in a good way.
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:42.159
Um, and so I just like to hear my progress.
00:34:42.239 --> 00:34:46.559
And I like I said, I was losing my confidence in it, and I just wanted to boost myself back up.
00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:50.639
The amount of times I say, you know what I'm saying, is actually crazy.
00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:53.280
I need to, I actually need to tap that bitch on my forehead.
00:34:53.440 --> 00:34:54.480
Why do I say that so much?
00:34:54.559 --> 00:34:55.599
And y'all ain't never tell me that.
00:34:55.679 --> 00:34:56.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:56.559 --> 00:34:57.280
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:57.440 --> 00:34:58.800
Every episode, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:58.960 --> 00:34:59.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.440
Y'all get what the fuck I'm saying.
00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:03.280
I don't know, I don't know how I started that.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:05.519
I don't know even what age I started saying that.
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:09.280
I'll be in post, I'll be in, I'll be editing the podcast.
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:13.679
I'm like, bitch, this episode is 45 minutes long, and I've said, you know what I'm saying, 82 times.
00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:16.719
There's there there's there's gotta be a way you're joking.
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:19.519
Um so I'm gonna try to stop doing that.
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:23.519
And it might not work, but at least y'all heard me say that I'll try to stop.
00:35:23.760 --> 00:35:29.039
Um another thing is my relationship with the internet has gotten better.
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:37.519
Um because I definitely had to take a break after that, after that whole after the whole month of September, bitch, I was just like, you know what?
00:35:37.679 --> 00:35:39.039
I cannot be on the internet.
00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:43.840
I don't think this is a place for Zarya because I just I can't, I can't.
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:52.559
And so I was having a conversation um with this older lady in a Barnes and Noble bitch, and she was a content creator.
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:59.360
And when I meet old people that are like into the internet like that, I'm just like, let me pick your brain, because if I can't take this shit, I don't know how you taking this shit.
00:35:59.679 --> 00:36:06.159
And so she basically just told me, she was like, you have to treat it like it's yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:15.519
She was like, as many times as you hate, because my thing about the internet is I hate hearing people's opinions, especially when they're stupid and false, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:19.280
Like it just make me mad because like you shouldn't be allowed to just say stupid shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:21.440
Now, funny stupid shit, love, eat it up all the time.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:23.440
I even contribute, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:26.960
But like actual ignorant, stupid shit that's dangerous.
00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:27.679
I hate it.
00:36:27.840 --> 00:36:28.559
I hate it.
00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:41.360
It makes me wish I had like a modern day superpower where I could just pull a nigga through the phone and head butt the fuck out of him, because like you know, you know, you know, and so she basically gave me the advice, and she was like, You see other people's opinions, state yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:41.440 --> 00:36:42.639
She was like, treat it like it's yours.
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:48.800
Nobody's telling you that you can't comment, nobody's telling you that you can't, you know, say your piece.
00:36:48.960 --> 00:37:00.639
Like, she was like, You can't get mad at people for giving a bad take or having a wrong opinion when you want to silence yours.
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:01.679
You know what I'm saying?
00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:14.559
Like the correct I don't I can't really put into words what she was saying, but basically, like, if you're gonna be mad at somebody for having an opinion, at least be ready to speak yours, or or know that you have the right to speak yours.
00:37:14.719 --> 00:37:18.480
Like if they're so wrong, say what's right, you know?
00:37:18.639 --> 00:37:29.280
And so um I've been commenting on like TikToks and stuff like that, just trying to get more comfortable with it.
00:37:29.599 --> 00:37:35.039
Um and and I think it's been working, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:35.119 --> 00:37:48.239
Like I I don't have but I also like trained my 4U page like a motherfucker, like my algorithm, my algorithm is very specific to what I can tolerate, and I guess that's why my relationship with it has changed.
00:37:48.320 --> 00:37:52.639
Um, because I just block out all the stupid shit that I literally can't handle.
00:37:52.880 --> 00:38:08.639
Um so yeah, if you were excuse me, if you were like me and your least favorite part of the internet is people who just don't know anything, but like cannot shut the fuck up about it, you also don't shut the fuck up.
00:38:08.719 --> 00:38:09.199
You know what I'm saying?
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:13.840
Like comment what you want to comment, like repost what you want to repost, like it's yours.
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:18.320
Like you you can you can say what you want, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:25.920
As long as you're not hurting anybody, denying anybody rights, like setting up a coup and shit like that, like you can you're free to say whatever the fuck you want.
00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:34.960
Just how these ignorant motherfuckers can say whatever they want and like believe it, you can say whatever the fuck you want and and it be actually true and and thoughtful and helpful.
00:38:35.280 --> 00:38:44.800
So uh that's how I've been getting through my bat relationship with the internet because I'll delete everything, and bitch, I do not know a password to a fuck thing.
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:48.000
So like I I accidentally deleted Instagram.
00:38:48.079 --> 00:38:51.119
Mind you, I got like five Instagram pages, can't get back into one of them.
00:38:51.199 --> 00:39:00.480
I was like, oh dear god, okay, let me chill out, let me chill out because if I lost my podcast Instagram page, I would have been sick to my absolute asshole.
00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:06.800
Um, so yeah, that's just like a little advice that didn't come from me, but I'm using it and it's working.
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:15.679
So I don't know if uh you guys want to be content creators too, or like podcasters, storytellers, and stuff like that.
00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:20.400
But the worst part about it is like reading what other people say because other people are absolute idiots.
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:25.199
And so you just gotta be like, well, if they get to be that, I get to be whatever I am.
00:39:25.360 --> 00:39:27.199
So I hope that helps.
00:39:27.679 --> 00:39:28.800
It helped me a lot.
00:39:29.039 --> 00:39:31.840
Hey guys, I didn't want this to be a full episode, it always is.
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:35.760
Every time I start talking into this fucking mic, it goes on for like an hour.
00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:42.159
I did want this to just be a little update to tell you guys that I'm back, and episodes will be coming out weekly again.
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:45.039
Um, and I'm just really excited, and I hope you guys are excited.
00:39:45.119 --> 00:39:52.960
Tell a friend, if you listen to this right now, tell a friend like, bitch, I know this podcast titled long as fuck, the host, crazy as fuck, you don't like her, you know what I'm saying?
00:39:53.039 --> 00:40:03.039
Tell your dad because I feel like you know what I'm saying, and still to this day, there's a lot more men who listen to this podcast than women, and and why I I I will not I will never understand that.
00:40:03.119 --> 00:40:10.960
I I really don't, but you know, tell your dad, tell your brother, tell your cousin, um, tell anybody, tell anybody about this podcast.
00:40:11.039 --> 00:40:34.559
I'm very excited, and um, I'm working on a new intro, so uh maybe the next three episodes, the next couple episodes, you guys will hear the old intro, and then um after I stop ghosting Zoe, because I just oh I feel so bad.
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:35.920
Oh my god, Zoe is a saint.
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:41.199
Zoe is the um the amazing artist who helped me work on the first intro.
00:40:41.440 --> 00:40:48.159
And so we've been trying to get the second one done, and I left my poor baby just on red for like two months.
00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:48.960
Oh my god.
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:50.400
Zoe, you're for listening to this.
00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:51.840
I love you so much, and I'm so sorry.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:52.559
I'm so sorry.
00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:56.239
My life was eating my ass up from the back, literally.
00:40:56.559 --> 00:41:13.599
Um, but yes, so there'll be a few episodes with the old intro, and then you guys will hear the new intro, and it'll have a new um animation to go with it for YouTube because like I said, all the episodes after this one will be video.
00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:15.760
And I'm really excited for you guys to hear it.
00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:17.280
I'm really excited for just everything.
00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:18.239
I'm really excited.
00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:20.880
I love when I feel good about myself because I'm just like, I can do anything.
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:24.000
I can, I can, I can, I can you know?
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:25.119
So, yeah.
00:41:26.159 --> 00:41:26.719
All right.
00:41:27.039 --> 00:41:30.400
I'm gonna end the episode right here, guys, and I can't wait to see you in the next one.
00:41:30.480 --> 00:41:31.199
I hope you're ready.
00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:10.960
What's up, guys?
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:14.240
Welcome back to the Chemically Imbalanced Black Girl Podcast.
00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:24.480
It feels so good to say that after what four months of not putting out any episodes, I'm so excited to come back and like talk to you guys and just revamp this whole podcast.
00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:28.160
Honestly, I recorded a bunch.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:31.280
Like in these four months where I wouldn't put out episodes, I recorded so much.
00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:32.640
I recorded a video episode.
00:00:32.719 --> 00:00:35.200
I recorded like three audio episodes.
00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:43.920
And all of them, I was just like, I feel like I'm about to go through like some type of like physical or mental change.
00:00:44.159 --> 00:00:48.640
And the bitch that's recording these episodes is not the bitch that needs to be recording these episodes.
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:52.159
So I just kept waiting and I kept waiting.
00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:55.600
And like, I don't know if it was my voice.
00:00:55.759 --> 00:00:57.439
I don't know if it was the topics I chose to talk about.
00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:02.719
I don't know if I didn't like cross this like mental threshold of what I expected to cross.
00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:04.480
But girl, it was not giving.
00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:06.480
I was like, ooh, have I lost the spark?
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:07.200
I'm not gonna lie.
00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:08.000
I thought I lost it.
00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:12.799
I was like, damn, how did anybody ever listen to my voice for that long for that frequently?
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:14.000
Crazy.
00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:18.879
Um, but I waited, like I said, because I knew like the podcast wasn't over.
00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:20.799
I knew I was never gonna stop doing the podcast.
00:01:20.879 --> 00:01:24.079
I was just like, there, this is a season of me where I need to chill the fuck out.
00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:24.799
You know what I'm saying?
00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:26.079
And I have to get my life together.
00:01:26.239 --> 00:01:27.439
Girl, I moved out of my house.
00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:28.879
I'm into an apartment now.
00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:30.879
I am very much an apartment girl.
00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:34.319
My apartment is way bigger than my house because I lived in a hut.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:35.519
You hear that T?
00:01:35.760 --> 00:01:36.480
A hut.
00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:37.439
A hut.
00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:38.159
A hut.
00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:39.359
That's what I lived in.
00:01:39.519 --> 00:01:46.159
Um, and I just there's so much that I had to do in such a little time.
00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:50.079
Like my life got really good, and then it was getting really bad, and I was like, oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:01:50.159 --> 00:01:51.040
And then it got really good again.
00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:52.000
So I was like, okay, great.
00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:53.120
This is what I was waiting for.
00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:56.560
So I feel great.
00:01:57.120 --> 00:01:57.840
I really do.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:58.959
I feel really good.
00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:04.719
Um, I'm in a really good mental spot as of today, bitch, because you know that'll change.
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:06.400
Um, but it hasn't been changing, y'all.
00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:07.200
I'm not gonna lie.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:12.960
Like, I don't want to try and be stuck on this, like depressed, even though that's just what I am forever.
00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:27.520
But you know, I try to be really open when I have those seasons of good where my brain is like being nice to me, and my bitch been fucking with me lately, so I I just felt like okay, this I feel good enough to like explain what's been going on.
00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:44.159
I feel good enough to like give my opinion again, like I feel good enough to like interact with the girls, and I think that's like a really hard part about podcasting because you go through this moment where you feel like you need to shut the fuck up indefinitely.
00:02:44.319 --> 00:03:09.360
Like, I love to give my opinion because I'm a very opinionated person, and I feel like my opinions are always most of the time on the right side of morality, so of course I love to give my opinions, but with social media being the way it is now, I feel like a lot of people don't know that they have the option to shut the fuck up, and I've been trying to exercise that as well as I can because some opinions just aren't necessary.
00:03:09.680 --> 00:03:17.840
Now, what I had to realize is that every opinion I have on my shit is necessary because this is my shit, and I'm gonna say what I want to say, you know what I'm saying?
00:03:18.080 --> 00:03:31.439
But I had to like even step away from that because it's just like just because this is my thing, you know, and it's my opinion, it's just like you still need to filter out what is gonna make you sound stupid, what's gonna make you sound ignorant, you know what I'm saying?
00:03:31.520 --> 00:03:34.159
Because I'm not trying to give my opinion just to say, well, I said what I said.
00:03:34.319 --> 00:03:41.280
I want there to be like some morality, some logic to back it, and you know, some humanity to back it.
00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:52.879
Um, so you know, I feel like the the safest and healthiest way to do that is to just take a step back, shut the fuck up, like think a couple thoughts because it's free, like and it and it won't be soon, you know what I'm saying?
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:58.000
Like, really think about how you feel about stuff and like your first person opinion.
00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:03.599
Because I feel like we all get like third person opinions, second person opinions.
00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:08.879
Like, we always like if somebody says something, that's just our opinion.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:10.319
It's like, oh, I didn't even have to think about it.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:16.480
They said everything, they said everything I knew I would say, and it's just like, well, wait, well, wait, you know, like bitch, like like actually think about it.
00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:17.920
Maybe there's some changes you might want.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:21.920
Maybe you want to, you know, do a like a I don't know, you want to rewrite some shit.
00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:24.000
Like, maybe not take the whole opinion of somebody else.
00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:25.040
Like, think about it first.
00:04:25.120 --> 00:04:29.600
So I was getting myself caught up in that, and um, and I'd love to think.
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:33.199
I think I have one of the most interesting brains.
00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:34.879
Uh look at me, look at me.
00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:37.360
Y'all can tell I'm feeling good, bitch, because who I'm feeling like?
00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:38.000
What?
00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:39.519
Do though.
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:42.720
I feel like uh I do.
00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:49.519
I just feel like I appreciate stuff more and I can actually take the time to pause and be like, all right, bitch, what you what you really trying to do?
00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:50.160
And let's do that.
00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:51.519
Because you're stressing me the fuck out.
00:04:51.600 --> 00:04:53.120
Like, let's not do two things at once.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.439
So, and I've never been able to do two things at once.
00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:59.519
That's why this podcast ain't had an episode come out for a month because I was trying to get my shit together.
00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:00.560
And it is together.
00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:01.920
I hope y'all are proud of me.
00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:03.600
I hope y'all are doing well.
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:06.079
I've been thinking about a lot of you, I'm not gonna lie.
00:05:06.240 --> 00:05:07.759
Um, and this is my problem.
00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:23.600
I know this has been my problem since I started this podcast, but there's been a lot of you who listen to this podcast that I got really sad about because I was like, damn, some of these people have really like open up to me and be like, damn, this is the podcast that I listen to like every week, every month, whatever the fuck, like that.
00:05:23.680 --> 00:05:27.519
Like you say things that only I've ever heard myself think.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:33.279
And so the first month that I didn't put out an episode, I was like, damn, I hope they don't like stop fucking with me.
00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:38.879
Like, I hope they wait until I come back with more episodes because they'll be great, you know what I'm saying?
00:05:39.040 --> 00:05:42.480
And girl, I was not planning on going four months without putting on an episode.
00:05:42.560 --> 00:05:43.759
I I'm gonna tell you that right now.
00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:48.879
It it was not like I knew I was gonna take a break, a little breaky break, but four months, crazy.
00:05:49.199 --> 00:05:53.759
And I just was like, I'm gonna put out another episode and nobody's gonna watch it.
00:05:53.839 --> 00:05:55.439
I'm gonna have to start from square one.
00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:59.600
And I don't know, I don't think I mind that.
00:05:59.680 --> 00:06:00.480
You know what I'm saying?
00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:04.720
Like, I just feel so good mentally that I'm just like, fuck it.
00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:06.000
I'll start all the way over.
00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:06.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:11.439
Even though I know I won't, even though I know you guys are gonna listen to this because you're gonna because I I've been getting the DMs.
00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:12.800
Like, I've seen the DMs.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:13.600
Bitch, where are you at?
00:06:13.759 --> 00:06:16.959
You don't know, y'all don't know how many from what what are we in?
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:18.240
April?
00:06:18.720 --> 00:06:19.920
It's from like October.
00:06:20.000 --> 00:06:20.720
I've been getting eye.
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:22.800
The eye emojis in my DMs, like, bitch, you good?
00:06:22.879 --> 00:06:23.360
Where you at?
00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:24.800
You guys don't tell me you did it.
00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:27.519
Like, so many of y'all thought I killed myself, and you know what?
00:06:27.759 --> 00:06:28.319
Accurate.
00:06:28.560 --> 00:06:30.079
That's an accurate worry, okay?
00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:33.439
That's an accurate thing to be worried about.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:39.519
Um, but I didn't, you know, so I hope you guys jump back in.
00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:44.800
And I'm really excited about all the people who haven't listened to any of the episodes.
00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:46.639
Like, I'm excited about new listeners.
00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:48.000
I'm just excited.
00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:50.800
Like, I'm I'm very happy, if you can't tell.
00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:59.279
Now, while I'm saying I feel so good and all this mental clarity that I have, it did not come cheap, bitch.
00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:00.319
You know what I'm saying?
00:07:00.560 --> 00:07:05.279
The past four months, I think I've had at least eight mental breakdowns, you know what I'm saying?
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:18.000
Like a bitch has been dragged through it, and just emotionally, like, nothing bad has happened in my life, like outside of my emotions, you know what I'm saying?
00:07:18.079 --> 00:07:23.759
I've actually been doing really good as far as like life, like outside of my body, like work's been going good.
00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:27.120
I've even attempted to make some friends, bitch.
00:07:27.199 --> 00:07:29.839
I have a little like tiny friend group, which is crazy as fucking.
00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:31.519
I'm gonna get into that a little bit later.
00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:34.079
Um, so I've just been putting myself out there.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:40.160
Like my apartment complex has like little gatherings, like we'll have like a little date, a date night, bitch, please.
00:07:40.240 --> 00:07:45.759
We'll have like a little game night, we'll have like just a little like sip and paint, you know, out on the terrace and stuff like that.
00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:48.160
And I'll be going, bitch, trying to like meet people.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:50.079
Like, who is that?
00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:50.639
Who are you?
00:07:50.720 --> 00:07:51.519
What are you doing?
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:58.000
Um, but emotionally, I've just been feeling everything, which I always do, always have.
00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:05.680
Um so I think I'm just really just not, I don't know, I'm just not letting myself be pent up.
00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:12.800
And like I used to tell you guys all the time in the earlier episodes, like my worst fear is getting desensitized by like anything.
00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:15.199
So when I need to cry, bitch, I'm just gonna cry.
00:08:15.279 --> 00:08:16.639
Like, I don't care who thinks it's dramatic.
00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:19.680
I'm obviously I'm not like loudmouth sobbing.
00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:26.399
But you know, I'm gonna let these tears fall because I think that the scariest thing about today is that nobody cries anymore.
00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:28.720
Everybody's like, oh, oh well, you can see you get shot every day, B.
00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:29.920
And it's just like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:32.000
Well, let's have some emotions before we jump straight to that.
00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:32.559
You know what I'm saying?
00:08:32.639 --> 00:08:33.600
Like, oh my god, I'm scared.
00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:34.720
Why is nobody crying?
00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:39.600
And this is like the scariest time of all like nobody scared?
00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:40.080
Mm-mm.
00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:41.200
I don't like that.
00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:50.879
I've just been feeling all the feelings, getting my feelings hurt, um having my feelings justified, you know.
00:08:51.039 --> 00:09:09.200
Um yeah, I've just been like allowing myself to like be an emotional girl, and I think um being a black woman, sometimes that's really hard for me because any emotion I give, somebody's gonna take it as angry.
00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:15.840
Even though that's probably, I'm not gonna lie, the number one emotion emotion I exercise is my anger because a lot, because I just can't stand stupid shit.
00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:19.519
Um, so I probably do express my anger more than I should.
00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:27.759
Actually, no, not more than I should, more as just as just as I should, actually, because people do stupid shit and people are getting too comfortable doing stupid shit.
00:09:27.919 --> 00:09:43.440
Um, but sometimes as a black woman, it just gets really hard for me to stay in that emotional like divot because I'm always gonna think that somebody thinks I'm doing too much, regardless of even the fucking emotion I'm expressing.
00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:46.480
I'm always gonna think that somebody thinks I'm doing too much.
00:09:46.799 --> 00:09:53.759
And to get yourself out of that is such a nice feeling, you know what I'm saying?
00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:55.919
Um, because you really just don't give a fuck.
00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.320
It's just like, okay, well, if I'm doing too much, get the fuck away from me.
00:09:58.399 --> 00:09:58.799
You know what I'm saying?
00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:00.960
Like, I'm gonna continue doing too much right here.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:03.039
You have the option to go somewhere else.
00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:09.600
So it's not even that I'm doing too much, it's just that you might be overstimulated by anything.
00:10:09.759 --> 00:10:10.799
You know, I don't know.
00:10:11.039 --> 00:10:27.679
I just I just can't what I'm trying to learn and stick with is that however my emotions make somebody else feel, I will acknowledge it, but I cannot trump it over my own emotions, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:27.759 --> 00:10:30.480
Like, I'll apologize, like if I overstimulate you, I'm sorry.
00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:39.759
Like if I'm distracting you, I'm sorry, but like you're gonna have to leave because this is my moment in my emotions, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:55.279
So I don't ever want to come off as disrespectful or like I'm misunderstanding something, but I do need the understanding to lie in the fact that I'm not like I'm not gonna be quiet because you're uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:55.360 --> 00:11:07.279
Like if I'm mad, if I'm sad, if I'm happy, if I'm whatever the fuck, like that's not gonna be belittle because somebody else's emotions need to be heightened over mine for whatever reason, you know.
00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:14.720
I don't know if I'm explaining that well, but that's kind of what I've been going through over the past like four months.
00:11:14.799 --> 00:11:20.720
Yeah, basically, it's just like letting people know, like, hey, I hear you, but you're gonna unfortunately have to get the fuck away from me.
00:11:20.799 --> 00:11:21.519
You know what I'm saying?
00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:28.000
And and in the nicest way possible, which I love, you know, and I'm starting to realize that other people love that as well.
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:32.960
Like, there um, there was a clip I saw of Bob the Drag Queen.
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.519
If you guys also I've been really into drag queen, bitch.
00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:42.000
I started it when I was a flight attendant, and then I just kind of fell off because you know, that that life is just like bitch.
00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:45.600
If you can even sit down and watch TV, you're you're living too good.
00:11:45.840 --> 00:11:53.440
Um, but I saw a clip of Bob the Drag Queen talking about um who is he talking about?
00:11:54.799 --> 00:12:00.559
I think he was talking about Trixie, and he was like, This is the most fierce thing anybody has ever said to me.
00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:05.039
And she was like, Hey, do you want to come over for like two hours?
00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:09.440
And I just love that because that's something I do, you know what I'm saying?
00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:14.960
Like, I just you want to come over here for like from like one to three, you know?
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:16.720
I just love that.
00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:29.759
I love that, and I've been so upfront with my emotions and like how I really feel, or like even when people are talking to me, like I've been so actually a little bit too comfortable with being like, you know, I can tell you're lying, right?
00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:40.559
And I just I don't know, maybe that's me about to be 30, like maybe that's me like just not trying to let people talk to me about shit that I just don't care about.
00:12:40.960 --> 00:12:46.799
Like, if you're talking to me, I think I should be able to steer the conversation in whatever way I want to because you're wasting my time.
00:12:47.200 --> 00:12:49.440
I didn't ask you to bring this up, you know what I'm saying?
00:12:49.519 --> 00:13:36.799
So, and I don't know if you guys have as uh uh I don't know, like I don't want to say like as good as discernment as me because I don't want to sound like I'm the pinnacle of like figuring shit out and like just knowing something, but I have really good discernment and I pay attention to people a lot because I used to people watch my whole adolescence because I never said shit, so I just people watch, and I feel like people who were quiet in their adolescence could make beautiful detectives because the things you pick up on people, you pick up patterns, you pick up like stutters, you pick up eye shiftiness, like you just pick up things about people where you can tell when they're not being honest or when they're I don't know what I'm trying to say, but the people who do it are are like bitch, I know exactly what you're talking about, you don't have to say no more.
00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:47.279
Like I've just gotten a little too comfortable now with being like if I can tell that the person is lying or embellishing or like trying to hype up the story and make it seem like something is not, I get so disinterested so fast.
00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:54.320
And I'm just like, can you please finish the story or like or like tell it regularly, you know what I'm saying?
00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:54.720
I don't know.
00:13:54.799 --> 00:14:00.639
And I and I think that's a little bit of a superpower because a lot of people don't know that you know when they're lying.
00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:04.559
Um, and I notice it all the time, even in my per like personal life.
00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:05.440
My friends do it.
00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:08.159
I I got a friend right now who lie half the time.
00:14:08.240 --> 00:14:12.000
He talked to me, and I don't even think he knows he's lying, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:12.960
But I do, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:14.960
And I'm just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:16.000
Or I just don't answer.
00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:26.879
If I'm ever talking, if you're ever talking to me and I don't answer, or I'm not looking at you, it's because I know you're lying, or I know that part of the story is made up, and I just start I stop paying attention on the part of the story that I know you made up.
00:14:27.039 --> 00:14:28.159
I can't do it no more, y'all.
00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:30.480
Like, I just can't, like this is I can't.
00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:31.120
I can't.
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:34.480
Every time I talk to somebody, it's gonna have to mean something, or you're gonna have to get away from me.
00:14:34.639 --> 00:14:37.600
Or that sounds so bad.
00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:42.399
But it's just like people love to talk about stupid shit, and I just I'm not, I'm not that girl no more.
00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:43.279
I can't do it.
00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:46.639
Um, and people are getting so comfortable with being so stupid too.
00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:57.200
And I use stupid very literally, um, because I think ignorance is something that you choose to be, but I think stupid is I'm starting to think that some motherfuckers can't help it, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:57.279 --> 00:15:05.600
Like, and that's sad, because you should be able to help that, but you know, y'all, I'm the same old, same old, you know, same old Zarya.
00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:07.759
Y'all like damn, this bit sounds exactly the same.
00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:16.159
I I feel the same, just with a little bit more like oomph, you know what I'm saying?
00:15:16.320 --> 00:15:17.840
Just a little bit more oomph towards life.
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:19.759
And also, can we talk about that for a minute?
00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:31.200
I know I might have said this in um earlier episodes when I was going through it, but I've been happy lately more than I've been sad, which is something that I've never been able to say in my life.
00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:33.200
And it's scary.
00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:44.720
So anybody who's ever wanted to kill themselves, or anybody who's ever been like suicidal or like uh like just deeply depressed.
00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:47.440
I'm not crying by the way, I'm just sick.
00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:48.159
I'm always sick.
00:15:48.240 --> 00:16:05.200
What's new for the people who have gotten out of it a little bit and not saying that you don't have depression anymore, or not even saying that you don't want to kill yourself anymore, like maybe you just lost a desire to for a short period of time.
00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:14.080
Do y'all ever get scared that if you genuinely start to enjoy life, like I told you guys, like let's say this podcast blows up, right?
00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:16.320
Because I'm now I'm scared for it too.
00:16:17.039 --> 00:16:19.519
And and just just stay with me.
00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:21.759
Let's say this podcast blows up, right?
00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:36.080
And it gets all these sponsorships, and I get so many like beautiful black fans that are just like, wow, these conversations are just real raw and like real true to being a black woman, and I'm getting all this money and all this stuff, and I'm actually starting to enjoy my life.
00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:57.279
The scariest thing about wanting to kill yourself is finally not wanting to, and and actually feeling like you're getting something out of life, and that your life ends by somebody's hands other than yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:01.120
Like that has always been something in the back of my mind that is so fucking scary to me.
00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:07.599
Like, what if the day that I actually open my eyes when I wake up and sigh relief?
00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:09.279
Like, damn, I love being alive.
00:17:09.440 --> 00:17:11.759
I love being here, I love what I've built for myself.
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:14.000
I can't believe I've ever I ever tried to kill myself.
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.720
I can't believe that I ever didn't want to get to this point, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:16.799 --> 00:17:19.359
And I step outside and a fat ass bus hit me.
00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:20.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:17:20.319 --> 00:17:21.519
Like, what the fuck?
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:24.079
I'm lying, I'm not lying.
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:33.279
That is scary to that's scarier to me than actually killing myself because I got brought here unbeknownst to me.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:33.920
You know what I'm saying?
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:39.279
They squeezed me through this little ass hole, and I just had to start paying for shit ever since, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:42.559
So, like, it wasn't nobody asked me to be here.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:49.359
So I feel like the most logical thing for me to do is to be able to take myself out when I'm fucking ready, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:49.440 --> 00:17:51.279
I've always felt like that since I was a kid about suicide.
00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:53.759
It's like, well, damn, bitch, I can't even die by myself.
00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:55.359
Like, I can't even do it on my own.
00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:57.759
Shit, y'all even asked me if I wanted to be here.
00:17:58.000 --> 00:18:02.960
But to actually come to terms and be happy with life, I'm scared to.
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:13.519
Like, I'm sc I would be scared to admit how happy and fulfilled I am, like out loud, because I feel like the universe is gonna be like, bitch, bitch, okay, you happy?
00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:14.400
Watch this, okay?
00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:18.160
I was waiting on you to say that, little fuck ass bitch.
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:30.319
So it's just like I love the era I'm in, and I love the era that I'm eventually gonna be in, but it's just like, how do I trick the universe into not fucking with me?
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:31.279
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:35.039
Like, how do I trick because I feel like I done paid my dues and karma, you know what I'm saying?
00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:36.160
I have never been a bad person.
00:18:36.240 --> 00:18:37.519
I've done some fucked up shit.
00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:40.480
I have been uh an accessory to some fucked up shit.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:41.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:43.440
I feel like I have paid my dues and my karma.
00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:53.200
So I just feel like if I was to get to this point of success and happiness, I feel like nothing bad should happen to me because I didn't did it already.
00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:53.759
You know what I'm saying?
00:18:53.839 --> 00:18:56.000
Like, damn, what else do you want off a bitch?
00:18:56.079 --> 00:18:56.480
Her back?
00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:57.039
My skin?
00:18:57.200 --> 00:18:58.079
My bones?
00:18:58.319 --> 00:19:05.759
Fuck! I know I've had that conversation with you guys before, but like the happier I get, the more scared I am, and that's so fucked.
00:19:05.839 --> 00:19:07.359
That's what a fucked feeling, you know what I'm saying?
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:09.519
Because it's just like somebody finna make an example out of my ass.
00:19:09.599 --> 00:19:14.160
Like, somebody finna be like, damn, bitch, if only you would have kept that shit inside, you know?
00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:22.000
So isn't it crazy how non What am I trying to say?
00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:29.839
Like, I'm I'm such an advocate for suicide and self-harm and depression and anxiety and bipolar and schizophrenia.
00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.400
I'm such an open advocate for all of that shit, right?
00:19:32.480 --> 00:19:34.960
I've never once felt bad about talking about killing myself.
00:19:35.039 --> 00:19:35.200
Never.
00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:38.400
If anybody asked me, I'm bitch, I'm I am the butterfly.
00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:39.279
Like, let's talk about it.
00:19:39.359 --> 00:19:40.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:44.400
Because I've always just felt like that should be I mean, that's just my right.
00:19:44.480 --> 00:19:44.960
You know what I'm saying?
00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:45.519
It's my life.
00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:47.599
If I don't like it, I'm gonna take myself the fuck out.
00:19:47.759 --> 00:19:54.240
I've never thought about it as a as a bad thing, even though it comes from bad feelings, bad life, bad thoughts.
00:19:55.119 --> 00:19:56.240
Excuse me.
00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:03.359
But when I talk about being happy, it's almost like I have to whisper because it's like I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to get in trouble, bitch.
00:20:03.440 --> 00:20:04.640
I'm just trying to express a little something.
00:20:04.720 --> 00:20:05.359
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:10.160
Like, I don't want, I don't want nobody to hear me say I'm happy because it's just like mm-hmm, we we got we got something for that.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:24.400
Cause it's like when you especially at in childhood, when you live a bad life or when you just go through a bunch of bad shit that's not your fault because you're a little child, you kind of develop this mindset of that you're supposed to have a bad life, you know what I'm saying?
00:20:24.480 --> 00:20:28.400
Like, bad okay, so bad shit just I mean, good shit just isn't gonna happen to me.
00:20:28.480 --> 00:20:29.039
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:29.119 --> 00:20:31.440
You just gotta chop it up at like the age of eight and be like, all right, bet.
00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:32.240
You know what I'm saying?
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:32.640
Cool.
00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:34.400
Oh my god, I have to tell you guys a story.
00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:35.599
Wow, I missed you guys.
00:20:35.680 --> 00:20:36.480
I miss talking.
00:20:36.640 --> 00:20:37.920
Wow, I missed this.
00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:40.319
So speaking of that, I have to tell you guys a story.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:46.960
And I was telling the story to um a homegirl in mind a few days ago, which is why I remembered that I wanted to tell you guys.
00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:53.359
Because I, like I said a few minutes ago, I think I have one of the most interesting brains of all humanity.
00:20:53.519 --> 00:21:12.160
I know that is a really big claim to make because it's just like, bitch, we have heard you 84 episodes of being quite literally the dumbest bitch possible, but it's just like the way I think and the way I observe and the way I just I don't know, my brain is just really interesting.
00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:17.759
So I'm gonna tell you guys a story of when I first realized that I was gonna live a hard life, okay?
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:20.799
And I was like six, just buckle up.
00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:34.480
Okay, so this is in I can't remember if this was in Fayetteville, North Carolina, or if this was in Virginia Beach, because like around this age, we were going back and forth a whole lot between the two.
00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:39.759
So, regardless of what state it was in, um, I was six.
00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:42.400
When I was five, I had this head start teacher.
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:43.039
His name was Mr.
00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:43.920
Wilder, right?
00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:48.559
He was a tall, like he was like 6'3, light skinned dude, very handsome, brown eyes, right?
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:50.640
All the other little teachers used to be on his ass.
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:50.960
Mr.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:51.839
Wilder, Mr.
00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:52.400
Wilder.
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:56.000
And I think his first name was like like Keon or something like that.
00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:56.799
I can't remember.
00:21:57.039 --> 00:21:59.359
Um very handsome man, right?
00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:06.400
So Every time he saw me, because I think he was either the teacher of my sister or my brother.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:07.200
I can't remember.
00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:08.079
I don't really know.
00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:09.920
He was probably fucking my mom, to be honest with you.
00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:10.960
I have no idea, guys.
00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:12.319
Because he was always just everywhere.
00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:13.599
Like, not at the schoolhouse.
00:22:13.680 --> 00:22:14.960
He was just around, right?
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:16.079
But Mr.
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:21.440
Wilder also used to dress up as a clown, like part-time.
00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:22.799
That was his like side job.
00:22:22.960 --> 00:22:25.759
He used to like dress up as a clown for like parties.
00:22:26.000 --> 00:22:28.240
He would be at the skating rink dressed up like a clown.
00:22:28.400 --> 00:22:36.480
It's so crazy because if somebody is from, I really can't remember where this was, but if somebody is from Fayetteville, North Carolina or lived in Virginia Beach at the time, they'd be like, bitch, I know exactly who you're talking about.
00:22:36.559 --> 00:22:37.359
It's gonna be so crazy.
00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:38.000
What a life.
00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:46.240
Anyway, so he used to dress up as a clown, and I remember getting invited to um one of the girls on my class's birthday party.
00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:49.200
She was turning seven, I think, and I'm six at the time.
00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:51.119
Well, me and Mr.
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:52.960
Wilder had like a joke going on.
00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:56.160
Every time he saw me, he would be like, You're five.
00:22:56.400 --> 00:22:57.039
You're five.
00:22:57.119 --> 00:22:58.000
You're a five-year-old.
00:22:58.160 --> 00:22:59.920
And I would be like, No, I'm six, right?
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:02.559
And I think it used to make me cry when I was a kid.
00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:03.519
I don't know why.
00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:05.759
Because I was like, I'm not five, I'm six.
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:08.240
So every time he saw me, he would go, You're five.
00:23:08.319 --> 00:23:09.039
You're five.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:09.920
You're five.
00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:11.519
Just to fuck with me, right?
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:18.400
So I remember we go to this birthday party, and all the kids are like around, we're talking and shit like that, just having a good old time.
00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:20.640
The parents are over in the corner, you know, drinking and smoking.
00:23:20.720 --> 00:23:22.400
Y'all know them early 2000s birthday parties.
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:24.559
It's like one big ass yard that's split in half.
00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:27.920
The kids with a little fuck-ass, cheap ass dollar store, water slide.
00:23:28.160 --> 00:23:31.680
The parents over here fucking smoking blunts, playing spades and shit like that.
00:23:31.759 --> 00:23:32.319
You know what I'm saying?
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:34.319
Very early 2000s birthday party.
00:23:34.559 --> 00:23:39.519
Um, and so all of a sudden the back gate opens and a clown walks in.
00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:43.359
Mind you, at this point, I had no idea that this nigga did cosplay as a clown.
00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:45.359
Like I had no idea that this was a side job.
00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:47.759
I had no idea this nigga got jiggy with any of this, right?
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:53.599
So and in my six-year-old brain, a random cloud clown just walked in the fucking backyard, right?
00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:59.039
So all of the other kids, it's not that many kids, it's like maybe 12 other kids, including me.
00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:01.759
So all the other kids like run up to this clown, right?
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:06.079
And they're like pulling on him and screaming, just doing what six-year-olds do, right?
00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:09.920
So I'm in the back by the huggy juices and shit, and I'm staring at him.
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:11.920
I'm the only kid that's not at this clown, right?
00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:13.519
And I'm staring at him like, mm-mm.
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:15.599
Mm-mm.
00:24:16.799 --> 00:24:17.119
Right?
00:24:17.200 --> 00:24:21.119
I'm just looking at him like something about this nigga wrong or right.
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:22.480
I was like, I don't know.
00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:23.440
I don't know.
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:24.160
I don't know.
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:25.440
But I'm just staring at him, right?
00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:27.359
I didn't go over to him because I don't know if I'm scared.
00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:31.200
I don't know if I know this nigga, but something about this nigga seemed familiar or not.
00:24:31.359 --> 00:24:32.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:33.599
Either way, I I don't know what it is.
00:24:33.759 --> 00:24:37.839
I don't know if this is my spidey senses are going off like what the fuck?
00:24:37.920 --> 00:24:39.200
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:48.559
So he's making balloons for the kids and doing all that stuff, and I'm just like, you know, as he's walking around the yard, I'm like on the opposite side of the yard, like walking with him.
00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:51.440
Because I'm like, I don't want you to come near me, but also like something up.
00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:52.319
What like what's up with you?
00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:53.039
You know what I'm saying?
00:24:53.119 --> 00:24:56.640
Like, I know this nigga somehow, some way.
00:24:56.799 --> 00:24:58.400
And like he wasn't recognizable at all.
00:24:58.480 --> 00:25:03.200
He had a full face of makeup on, he had a full clown suit, shoes, he had the hair, he had everything, right?
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:04.400
He was not recognizable.
00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:12.079
But something in my spirit, I was like, nah, I know either I know this clown or something real fucked up about this clown.
00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:12.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:25:12.799 --> 00:25:13.920
He shouldn't be here.
00:25:14.400 --> 00:25:16.000
So I'm keeping my distance like that.
00:25:16.079 --> 00:25:17.680
He'd been there for like 20 minutes.
00:25:18.000 --> 00:25:23.200
I go up talking to one of the other parents because I'm asking for like cake, or I don't know what the fuck I'm asking for.
00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:25.039
And somebody tapped me on my shoulder.
00:25:25.119 --> 00:25:26.640
I turn around and it's the clown.
00:25:26.799 --> 00:25:29.519
This nigga looked down at me and go, You're six.
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:37.680
When I tell y'all my eyes started watering, so I started to cry, I started to sob, like outwardly loudly sob.
00:25:37.759 --> 00:25:41.599
I started crying my ass off, and he's looking at me like, what the fuck?
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:43.680
So then the other parents came over, like, why is she crying?
00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:44.880
And he's like, I don't fucking know.
00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:46.640
He's like, I don't know, this bitch is crazy.
00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:51.039
And the reason I started crying is because I fucking knew it.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:25:52.079 --> 00:25:52.799
I knew it.
00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:54.160
I knew I knew this nigga.
00:25:54.240 --> 00:25:56.640
Like all these other little dumb ass kids just ran over to him.
00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:00.079
No sense of urgency, no discernment, no, no nothing.
00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:02.240
Just they saw a clown and they ran straight for it.
00:26:02.319 --> 00:26:03.599
Nobody assessed anything.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:04.640
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:04.880 --> 00:26:08.079
My little detective asses over here, like, mm-mm.
00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:09.839
Mm-mm.
00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:11.119
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:11.200 --> 00:26:15.359
And I just I just started crying so hard because I was like, my life finna be a lot.
00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:18.000
This is finna be a long ass life.
00:26:18.079 --> 00:26:18.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:26:18.799 --> 00:26:22.480
Like, I'm not the type of person that just okay, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:22.559 --> 00:26:25.680
I'm gonna be like, mm-hmm, I don't know about all that.
00:26:25.759 --> 00:26:30.559
Like, if any, if there's anything that a lot of people are flocking to, I'm gonna make sure that I don't go to that shit.
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:38.960
And that's 100% because I'm not, I don't want to be a part of the masses, and I don't want to be included in every anything that everybody else thinks is a good idea.
00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:43.200
Because I think a flock is an idiot, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:43.279 --> 00:26:46.799
I don't think anything good comes out of a flock of people doing it.
00:26:47.039 --> 00:26:51.599
Because nobody in here is thinking for themselves, they just doing it because the flock is moving, you know what I'm saying?
00:26:51.680 --> 00:26:55.519
And I hate to do that because I don't want to get caught up in some shit that I never really got a chance to think about.
00:26:55.599 --> 00:26:56.880
I just did it because these niggas doing it.
00:26:56.960 --> 00:26:58.640
You're not finna cut, I'm you're not finna get me.
00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:00.559
I'm not finna get got, you know.
00:27:00.720 --> 00:27:02.559
So I just started crying.
00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:05.440
And everybody was like, um, Zarya, you need to go take a nap.
00:27:05.599 --> 00:27:06.960
And I was like, I don't need it to go take a nap.
00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:09.200
Actually, my brain is better than everybody's.
00:27:09.359 --> 00:27:10.559
Y'all need to go take a fucking nap.
00:27:10.720 --> 00:27:11.279
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:12.960
Like, y'all need the power to fuck up.
00:27:13.200 --> 00:27:15.440
Cause because the, I mean, this nigga could have been anybody.
00:27:15.519 --> 00:27:16.000
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:17.839
He over here making rubber dogs for shit.
00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:19.440
Like, no, I knew he was somebody.
00:27:19.519 --> 00:27:20.319
I knew he was.
00:27:20.480 --> 00:27:21.279
I knew he was.
00:27:21.440 --> 00:27:25.519
And that's the moment that I realized that my life was gonna be quite difficult.
00:27:25.759 --> 00:27:26.400
Quite difficult.
00:27:26.559 --> 00:27:33.039
Cause I'm just not, I'm just not easily like, I'm not easily anything, really.
00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:34.720
Like, you really gotta get some shit out of me.
00:27:34.880 --> 00:27:35.440
You really do.
00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:36.720
And I like that about myself.
00:27:36.880 --> 00:27:38.000
Everybody wants to say it's difficult.
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:40.079
Oh, you dramatic, oh you da-da-da-da.
00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:41.839
And I'm never wrong.
00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:42.720
Crazy.
00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:43.759
I mean, sometimes I'm wrong.
00:27:43.839 --> 00:27:44.319
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:45.200
I can't be right every time.
00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:50.799
But you know, most of the time when I have a really strong feeling about something, I promise you, every time that happens, I'm 100% right.
00:27:50.960 --> 00:27:55.359
So it's just like, you don't tell me I need to take a fucking nap, and the whole time I'm over here busting the case open.
00:27:55.519 --> 00:27:56.160
You know what I'm saying?
00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:58.720
Like, I'm over here six years, I'm fucking, you know what I'm saying?
00:27:58.799 --> 00:27:59.519
I'm busting the case down.
00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:01.200
You talking about something I need to go take a nap.
00:28:01.279 --> 00:28:02.640
Girl, fuck everybody in here.
00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:05.119
You're getting my Olivia Benson on, and you talk about a nap.
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:06.880
Bitch, focus on the case.
00:28:08.240 --> 00:28:14.160
Sometimes I wish that like, y'all know how the people do like home videos on like the VHS tapes.
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:32.160
Sometimes I really wish that like I had more of those, or like I could turn my memories into VHS VHS tapes and like let people watch them because it's so funny when I tell people that like the same way I talk now and the same attitude I have is the same way I've been since I was literally six.
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:39.279
Like, I I've just never been y'all don't know how many times I've heard already shut the fuck up and go sit down, like you know what I'm saying?
00:28:39.359 --> 00:28:48.720
Like, but then also being told to stay in a child's place while actively being put in adult places, so it's just like that's not gonna work for me, unfortunately.
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:49.599
You know what I'm saying?
00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:58.319
I wish I could just show y'all because my childhood was a mix of just trauma and like heavy thought process, you know what I'm saying?
00:28:58.480 --> 00:29:02.160
Just like, how the fuck are we gonna talk about this as we get older?
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:05.039
And how are we gonna get make sure we don't get back into this shit?
00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:05.920
Crazy.
00:29:06.160 --> 00:29:10.400
You guys, I do wanna end the episode, but like there's so much I want to talk to you guys about.
00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:12.160
I want to do like an apartment tour.
00:29:12.240 --> 00:29:20.480
So the next um episode I put out is gonna be a video because I literally have when I tell y'all I have everything, I have everything.
00:29:20.640 --> 00:29:25.759
Remember, remember back in the day when I first started this, and I was like, Well, I need a camera, well, I need a ring light, well, I need a microphone.
00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:26.799
Bitch, I have like all.
00:29:26.880 --> 00:29:27.519
I have it all.
00:29:27.599 --> 00:29:29.359
I have all of it right now.
00:29:29.599 --> 00:29:31.680
All of it, all of it.
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:39.759
So the next episode I put out is 100% gonna be a video, and I'll show you guys a little bit of my apartment.
00:29:39.920 --> 00:29:40.960
Um, but not a lot.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:43.920
Maybe I'll show the whole thing on Patreon because I will be getting back into Patreon.
00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:45.200
Bitch, I'm coming, okay?
00:29:45.359 --> 00:29:48.160
I feel so good, I'm I'm not gonna take it for granted.
00:29:48.480 --> 00:29:54.240
But um, the reason why I'm not gonna show the whole apartment because obviously that video is gonna go on YouTube.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:30:02.480
And this one bitch on TikTok scared me because she was like, Y'all be showing y'all floor plans, like niggas can't put that in the chat or like AI and like look up where you live.
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:04.400
And I was like, you know what?
00:30:04.559 --> 00:30:09.279
Even though that is common sense, we not we still not finna do it.
00:30:09.440 --> 00:30:17.599
So um, I'll put it on Patreon because if you really want to look for me and find me, then at least pay me for it, you know what I'm saying?
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:22.000
So um, but I hope you guys are doing good.
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:42.559
This is the part of the podcast that I really want to make sure I do because I know you guys click on this to listen to me and stuff like that, but the best part of starting this podcast is like the things that people say to me about themselves, or about something that I've said that they find out about themselves, or they just tell me stories because our lives are similar, you know.
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:56.000
And so many of you have told me about you know your struggles with staying alive, or your struggles with just like being outside of yourself, and uh that just makes me feel nice, you know what I'm saying?
00:30:56.079 --> 00:31:01.599
Like talking while I'm actually recording the podcast makes me feel good.
00:31:01.759 --> 00:31:04.480
Uh, because you you know damn well the editing process ain't fun.
00:31:04.640 --> 00:31:09.680
Anyone who's ever done anything know that editing shit is like, oh god, do I even want a podcast anymore?
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:21.839
But when you guys talk to me and tell me how you're doing, or even when y'all just say, hey, like when I was telling y'all about the people who were sliding in my DMs with the eye emojis, like that felt so good.
00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:28.799
Because, like, I don't know, I told y'all when I first started this podcast, I was like, Ain't nobody gonna listen to me.
00:31:28.880 --> 00:31:35.440
Like, I got too strong opinion, too strong of opinion, my takes are weird, like you know what I'm saying?
00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:41.359
But I really like that you guys talk to me, and after four months, you guys are just like, bitch, what is going on?
00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:42.799
What is the problem?
00:31:43.359 --> 00:32:04.480
So when I act, when I when I say I hope you guys are doing really good, I genuinely mean that, and it's because I have examples in my DMs and even in my text message, some of you guys have my number of you know, times when you weren't good, and you know, you guys have literally heard me cry, so you you you could tell when I'm not good, bitch, I've been gone four months.
00:32:04.559 --> 00:32:15.440
So, you know, as much as you guys check on me and make sure I'm not dead, or you know, I didn't hurt myself or I'm doing okay mentally, like I genuinely mean it when I say I hope you guys are doing good.
00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:17.839
Some of you got married or engaged.
00:32:18.000 --> 00:32:24.079
I've been seeing you guys on Instagram, and I've been trying not to like be too personal, but I'm like, you know what I'm saying?
00:32:24.160 --> 00:32:26.000
Like, oh my god, like wow.
00:32:26.240 --> 00:32:30.799
Um, some of you have started like your transitions, and I'm so proud of you guys.
00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:40.240
Like, I I know that I haven't been putting out episodes, but I have been seeing you guys, and I'm just so proud of you because a lot of you are so much younger than me, and I can't believe a bitch is almost 30.
00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:43.200
Like, I'll be seeing y'all be like 24, and I'm like, ooh, I'm 24 too.
00:32:43.279 --> 00:32:44.319
And I'm like, ooh, no, I'm not.
00:32:44.559 --> 00:32:45.920
A bitch is definitely about to be 30.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:47.039
Oh my god, ew.
00:32:47.359 --> 00:32:52.319
Um, so yeah, like I feel like like an auntie or like an old ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh.
00:32:52.559 --> 00:32:53.519
Oh, Zarya.
00:32:53.680 --> 00:32:54.559
Oh god.
00:32:54.799 --> 00:32:56.000
I don't feel like an auntie.
00:32:56.079 --> 00:32:57.599
I don't please just forget I said that.
00:32:57.680 --> 00:33:03.119
I feel like an older sister, a cousin of sorts, you know, to some of you guys.
00:33:03.200 --> 00:33:05.920
Cause like some of you guys are super young and you're doing so well.
00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:08.880
Like, I'm just so proud of you guys, and I'm proud of me.
00:33:08.960 --> 00:33:11.279
I hope you guys are proud of me the same way I'm proud of you.
00:33:11.519 --> 00:33:17.119
Um, and also, um, do I want to go into it?
00:33:17.200 --> 00:33:18.960
Do you do y'all want to do another 30 minutes, bitch?
00:33:19.039 --> 00:33:19.839
Because I got some shit to say.
00:33:19.920 --> 00:33:20.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:20.480 --> 00:33:23.599
I'm acting like I'm finna wrap this episode up, and I'm and I might not, you know what I'm saying?
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:26.079
I just really want y'all to know that I appreciate y'all.
00:33:26.319 --> 00:33:31.839
And this pot this podcast isn't monetized by people at all, like by the people who watch it.
00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:39.920
And uh when it gets to that point, I just want to make sure that you guys know that I appreciated you before y'all started putting money in my pockets.
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:40.720
You know what I'm saying?
00:33:40.799 --> 00:33:43.519
Like, I appreciate you for literally just kick, click, and play.
00:33:43.599 --> 00:33:46.720
Like, to even hear this point, like I really appreciate that.
00:33:46.960 --> 00:33:53.279
So I don't want you to think that, you know, I I don't know.
00:33:53.440 --> 00:34:04.240
I just want to make sure that my intentions are really in order and that you guys feel like I'm talking to you and not I'm talking to myself because I've been talking to myself for the past four months, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:05.839
Like I'm actively talking to you right now.
00:34:06.000 --> 00:34:07.039
You, yes, you.
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:11.599
Um, and I want to make sure that the people I'm talking to are good, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:11.760 --> 00:34:14.239
Uh also I gotta stop saying that.
00:34:14.480 --> 00:34:15.519
Let me let me tell y'all something.
00:34:15.599 --> 00:34:17.039
I'm not finna end this episode, by the way.
00:34:17.119 --> 00:34:19.840
This you I had I I saw your finger over the stop button.
00:34:19.920 --> 00:34:20.400
Don't stop it.
00:34:20.480 --> 00:34:21.760
We we finna keep going.
00:34:22.079 --> 00:34:29.280
Um so in the past four months that I haven't been putting out episodes, I told y'all I recorded some, deleted it, recorded some, deleted it.
00:34:29.440 --> 00:34:32.800
But I also went back to listen to a couple of mine.
00:34:33.840 --> 00:34:40.159
Uh, because the progression from like episode one to like the last episode I put out is insane in a good way.
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:42.159
Um, and so I just like to hear my progress.
00:34:42.239 --> 00:34:46.559
And I like I said, I was losing my confidence in it, and I just wanted to boost myself back up.
00:34:46.880 --> 00:34:50.639
The amount of times I say, you know what I'm saying, is actually crazy.
00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:53.280
I need to, I actually need to tap that bitch on my forehead.
00:34:53.440 --> 00:34:54.480
Why do I say that so much?
00:34:54.559 --> 00:34:55.599
And y'all ain't never tell me that.
00:34:55.679 --> 00:34:56.400
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:56.559 --> 00:34:57.280
You know what I'm saying?
00:34:57.440 --> 00:34:58.800
Every episode, you know what I'm saying?
00:34:58.960 --> 00:34:59.840
You know what I'm saying?
00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.440
Y'all get what the fuck I'm saying.
00:35:01.519 --> 00:35:03.280
I don't know, I don't know how I started that.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:05.519
I don't know even what age I started saying that.
00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:09.280
I'll be in post, I'll be in, I'll be editing the podcast.
00:35:09.440 --> 00:35:13.679
I'm like, bitch, this episode is 45 minutes long, and I've said, you know what I'm saying, 82 times.
00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:16.719
There's there there's there's gotta be a way you're joking.
00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:19.519
Um so I'm gonna try to stop doing that.
00:35:19.760 --> 00:35:23.519
And it might not work, but at least y'all heard me say that I'll try to stop.
00:35:23.760 --> 00:35:29.039
Um another thing is my relationship with the internet has gotten better.
00:35:29.280 --> 00:35:37.519
Um because I definitely had to take a break after that, after that whole after the whole month of September, bitch, I was just like, you know what?
00:35:37.679 --> 00:35:39.039
I cannot be on the internet.
00:35:39.760 --> 00:35:43.840
I don't think this is a place for Zarya because I just I can't, I can't.
00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:52.559
And so I was having a conversation um with this older lady in a Barnes and Noble bitch, and she was a content creator.
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:59.360
And when I meet old people that are like into the internet like that, I'm just like, let me pick your brain, because if I can't take this shit, I don't know how you taking this shit.
00:35:59.679 --> 00:36:06.159
And so she basically just told me, she was like, you have to treat it like it's yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:06.400 --> 00:36:15.519
She was like, as many times as you hate, because my thing about the internet is I hate hearing people's opinions, especially when they're stupid and false, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:19.280
Like it just make me mad because like you shouldn't be allowed to just say stupid shit, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:19.360 --> 00:36:21.440
Now, funny stupid shit, love, eat it up all the time.
00:36:21.599 --> 00:36:23.440
I even contribute, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:23.840 --> 00:36:26.960
But like actual ignorant, stupid shit that's dangerous.
00:36:27.119 --> 00:36:27.679
I hate it.
00:36:27.840 --> 00:36:28.559
I hate it.
00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:41.360
It makes me wish I had like a modern day superpower where I could just pull a nigga through the phone and head butt the fuck out of him, because like you know, you know, you know, and so she basically gave me the advice, and she was like, You see other people's opinions, state yours, you know what I'm saying?
00:36:41.440 --> 00:36:42.639
She was like, treat it like it's yours.
00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:48.800
Nobody's telling you that you can't comment, nobody's telling you that you can't, you know, say your piece.
00:36:48.960 --> 00:37:00.639
Like, she was like, You can't get mad at people for giving a bad take or having a wrong opinion when you want to silence yours.
00:37:00.800 --> 00:37:01.679
You know what I'm saying?
00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:14.559
Like the correct I don't I can't really put into words what she was saying, but basically, like, if you're gonna be mad at somebody for having an opinion, at least be ready to speak yours, or or know that you have the right to speak yours.
00:37:14.719 --> 00:37:18.480
Like if they're so wrong, say what's right, you know?
00:37:18.639 --> 00:37:29.280
And so um I've been commenting on like TikToks and stuff like that, just trying to get more comfortable with it.
00:37:29.599 --> 00:37:35.039
Um and and I think it's been working, you know what I'm saying?
00:37:35.119 --> 00:37:48.239
Like I I don't have but I also like trained my 4U page like a motherfucker, like my algorithm, my algorithm is very specific to what I can tolerate, and I guess that's why my relationship with it has changed.
00:37:48.320 --> 00:37:52.639
Um, because I just block out all the stupid shit that I literally can't handle.
00:37:52.880 --> 00:38:08.639
Um so yeah, if you were excuse me, if you were like me and your least favorite part of the internet is people who just don't know anything, but like cannot shut the fuck up about it, you also don't shut the fuck up.
00:38:08.719 --> 00:38:09.199
You know what I'm saying?
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:13.840
Like comment what you want to comment, like repost what you want to repost, like it's yours.
00:38:14.000 --> 00:38:18.320
Like you you can you can say what you want, you know what I'm saying?
00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:25.920
As long as you're not hurting anybody, denying anybody rights, like setting up a coup and shit like that, like you can you're free to say whatever the fuck you want.
00:38:26.000 --> 00:38:34.960
Just how these ignorant motherfuckers can say whatever they want and like believe it, you can say whatever the fuck you want and and it be actually true and and thoughtful and helpful.
00:38:35.280 --> 00:38:44.800
So uh that's how I've been getting through my bat relationship with the internet because I'll delete everything, and bitch, I do not know a password to a fuck thing.
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:48.000
So like I I accidentally deleted Instagram.
00:38:48.079 --> 00:38:51.119
Mind you, I got like five Instagram pages, can't get back into one of them.
00:38:51.199 --> 00:39:00.480
I was like, oh dear god, okay, let me chill out, let me chill out because if I lost my podcast Instagram page, I would have been sick to my absolute asshole.
00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:06.800
Um, so yeah, that's just like a little advice that didn't come from me, but I'm using it and it's working.
00:39:06.960 --> 00:39:15.679
So I don't know if uh you guys want to be content creators too, or like podcasters, storytellers, and stuff like that.
00:39:15.760 --> 00:39:20.400
But the worst part about it is like reading what other people say because other people are absolute idiots.
00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:25.199
And so you just gotta be like, well, if they get to be that, I get to be whatever I am.
00:39:25.360 --> 00:39:27.199
So I hope that helps.
00:39:27.679 --> 00:39:28.800
It helped me a lot.
00:39:29.039 --> 00:39:31.840
Hey guys, I didn't want this to be a full episode, it always is.
00:39:31.920 --> 00:39:35.760
Every time I start talking into this fucking mic, it goes on for like an hour.
00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:42.159
I did want this to just be a little update to tell you guys that I'm back, and episodes will be coming out weekly again.
00:39:42.320 --> 00:39:45.039
Um, and I'm just really excited, and I hope you guys are excited.
00:39:45.119 --> 00:39:52.960
Tell a friend, if you listen to this right now, tell a friend like, bitch, I know this podcast titled long as fuck, the host, crazy as fuck, you don't like her, you know what I'm saying?
00:39:53.039 --> 00:40:03.039
Tell your dad because I feel like you know what I'm saying, and still to this day, there's a lot more men who listen to this podcast than women, and and why I I I will not I will never understand that.
00:40:03.119 --> 00:40:10.960
I I really don't, but you know, tell your dad, tell your brother, tell your cousin, um, tell anybody, tell anybody about this podcast.
00:40:11.039 --> 00:40:34.559
I'm very excited, and um, I'm working on a new intro, so uh maybe the next three episodes, the next couple episodes, you guys will hear the old intro, and then um after I stop ghosting Zoe, because I just oh I feel so bad.
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:35.920
Oh my god, Zoe is a saint.
00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:41.199
Zoe is the um the amazing artist who helped me work on the first intro.
00:40:41.440 --> 00:40:48.159
And so we've been trying to get the second one done, and I left my poor baby just on red for like two months.
00:40:48.320 --> 00:40:48.960
Oh my god.
00:40:49.199 --> 00:40:50.400
Zoe, you're for listening to this.
00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:51.840
I love you so much, and I'm so sorry.
00:40:51.920 --> 00:40:52.559
I'm so sorry.
00:40:52.719 --> 00:40:56.239
My life was eating my ass up from the back, literally.
00:40:56.559 --> 00:41:13.599
Um, but yes, so there'll be a few episodes with the old intro, and then you guys will hear the new intro, and it'll have a new um animation to go with it for YouTube because like I said, all the episodes after this one will be video.
00:41:14.000 --> 00:41:15.760
And I'm really excited for you guys to hear it.
00:41:15.840 --> 00:41:17.280
I'm really excited for just everything.
00:41:17.440 --> 00:41:18.239
I'm really excited.
00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:20.880
I love when I feel good about myself because I'm just like, I can do anything.
00:41:20.960 --> 00:41:24.000
I can, I can, I can, I can you know?
00:41:24.320 --> 00:41:25.119
So, yeah.
00:41:26.159 --> 00:41:26.719
All right.
00:41:27.039 --> 00:41:30.400
I'm gonna end the episode right here, guys, and I can't wait to see you in the next one.
00:41:30.480 --> 00:41:31.199
I hope you're ready.
