Joy Taylor and Marcus Black Talk Marriage, Intentions & Accountability

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Speaker 1: I see people every single day, doctor such and such, and psychiatrists such and such. I look at clips and I'd.
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Speaker 2: Be like, welcome to too Personal. I'm Joy Taylor. I'm very excited for our next guest, Marcus Black. Welcome to you personal.
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Speaker 1: Thank you for having me appreciate it.
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Speaker 2: He is, Well, we already talked about this off camera, but kind of from Chicago, kind of from all over. Build a career in music, big names the game, DJ Muster, Justin Bieber, who just had a fabulous Coachella.
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Speaker 3: Also on love and Hip Hop.
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Speaker 2: Hollywood World watched you navigate your relationship and now you are a relationship expert, author, speaker, podcast host, and happily married to Brook Valentine.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, so welcome too Personal.
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Speaker 1: Thank you appreciated.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm glad you're here. You're also also friends in the family. We have lots of Yeah, for sure.
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Speaker 1: It's great. It's crazy listening back to all those things. I'd be like, yo, like I kind of do I kind of have my hands on a lot of different things. You know what I'm saying. It's like how you go from music to relate It is interesting.
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Speaker 2: Well, that's like, you know, that's part of the journey. That's how things evolve. I mean, I'm going through a bit of an evolving period, a shift to myself. I mean I had worked in sports, still work in sports, but works primarily in sports for my entire career, and started the podcast to be able to share, you know, opinions and conversations that I've always had with people close to me and my friends.
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Speaker 1: And you know, you learn new things.
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Speaker 2: What's the biggest thing that you've learned since starting to discuss relationships publicly?
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Speaker 1: Uh? I mean, one, how people view reality TV? You know what I mean? People think that people think reality TV is reality you know what I mean? So well it isn't the name? Yeah, but so do you feel like that's deceptive? I think it is, Okay, I think it is because I think reality TV is like, you know, you know, based on a true true story. It should be called like based on a real story, you know what I'm saying, but not like not exactly, you know what I mean? And then people don't forget right, So you got you know, I was walking through the airport, walking through lax Brook, and this lady's doing security at TSA. She like mar I don't like how you did ten years ago, and Brook should I let him through? I'm not even gonna let him through here. I'm like, yo, yeah, this is like this is from twenty sixteen two.
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Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean that's that's the risk when you put your not just yourself but your relationship on national television.
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Speaker 1: But you fail to realize that or it never even cross your mind that when you're doing these things, like sometimes people haven't seen you since then. People haven't they're not following, they don't know what's going on. So like there's people who come up to me and they deal with me like who I was ten years.
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Speaker 3: Ago, and it's like, man, well for them, you are, that is you.
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Speaker 1: That's the reality.
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Speaker 2: Unless they've followed your journey since then, that is their lasting impression of you. When that, when stuff like that happens, is that still affects your relationship.
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Speaker 1: It's never affected my relationship.
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Speaker 3: It's never affected your relationship.
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Speaker 2: Public opinion, Well no, just like if someone make it makes a comment like that, No, but you would understand how someone And I'm not questioning your relationship, I say, but hearing that, I'm like, man, if I was in if I was having a bad day with my man, and somebody brought up some old shit.
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Speaker 1: Nah.
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Speaker 3: It takes some strong resolve not to allow that to ruin the rest.
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Speaker 1: Of the day. No, it doesn't bother me at all because I know what I signed up for, right. Does it bother her? No, it doesn't bother because we we knew what we were doing, and it's like we actually like we were good at home. When you're good at home kind of doesn't really matter what's going on outside. You know what I'm saying, So I know what actually goes on. I know who my wife actually is. She knows who I am for real.
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Speaker 2: So it's like, you know, so that was to you, to both of you, that was even though it was a real thing that happened to them, to the rest of the world, it's almost like characters, like you said, reality TV isn't really reality, right, So then what's the thing that people don't what's the thing that you feel like you wish people knew that they don't because their impression of you is that moment on reality television.
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Speaker 1: I just think that, man, I think people don't consider right that we pull up to set and there's cameras and there's lights, and there's producers and somebody says, okay, action, like this is entertainment. We're here to entertain, you know what I mean. Like there's certain people Safari for example, man like I remember this one thing we did when I was on Love and Hip Hop Miami and he just breaks down. They're just wild. It's like, bro, you should you should get an oscar. Bro, Like this is this is high level you know acting that you're doing, you know what I mean? And I think people when they see people get like very extreme, they be like, oh, this can't be real. You heard your people say that all the time. But then there's certain things they're picking. This must be real right here, Like I don't like you because you do stuff like this, and it's like you take.
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Speaker 3: It, it's cool, but you don't regret it.
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Speaker 1: No, So.
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Speaker 2: What what was happening internally during that process? Then, because you are in front of a camera, it is a bit like acting. It's entertainment at the end of the day. But to the rest of the world, they're watching you. They're not watching a scripted series. They're not watching Succession, they're not watching Interstellar. They're watching you, Marcus with your partner, And to them, you're misbehaving. How did that feel internally?
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Speaker 1: So I tell you, I put it like this, right. I remember my very first season on Love and Hip Hop, Right, so let's just say this is twenty sixteen Love and Hip Hop Hollywood.
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Speaker 2: And.
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Speaker 1: I was like, I have been looking at Love and Hip Hop Hollywood like from time to time since, like I'member twenty fourteen, back when like uh hit Maker was on and everything, and I'm just like, I guess because I came up in the business, I knew this. I'm like, this is this is this is entertaining because because I'm like, this is not real, right, So I looked at it from that angle. So I got on here. In my first season, I was participating in it, just kind of being like I would allow certain things to happen that I wouldn't allow in real life. Or I may say something that I wouldn't typically say. It's entertainment. I was like having fun, right, And I remember Snoop Dogg made a post about me one day and he was like, man, this nigga d D. I don't even remember what he said, but I was like, yo, the Snoop Doggy dog, I'm like the biggest Snoop fan in the world like this Nigga just made a post to one billion people talking crazy about me, and I was just like, oh, y'all believe this shit like everyone believed. I'm like Snoop, I thought you wouldn't you, of all people, I would think that you would know that this is like Shenanigan's right, because you're in the business. But nah, he was. He's invested. It's not like that. He's not like they're paying Snoop to comment. He's like he was. He was in you know what I'm saying. So I was like, Okay, So when I come back season the next season, I'm not I'm not saying nothing. I wouldn't say I'm not doing nothing. I wouldn't really do. I'm not participating nothing. I wouldn't really participate in. So if I'm in a scene and they like, Marcus, you're here, all right, well what would you do in the scenario? I'd probably lead a scenario. So I'm just good. So I get up and I walk out the scene because that's what I would really do. I actually wouldn't be here.
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Speaker 2: This is why I could never do reality. First of all, i'd be the number one most hated bitch in the America's North central South. Get this pitch off my TV. I'm not participating at in you'd actually be it. You'd have been a hit, you know what. People say that, but I don't know, and I don't do the whole Like the problem is I can't. I would not be able to slice the cut of is this even if I know they're they're acting or they're playing it up the drama part, because I'm just too violent.
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Speaker 3: So it's just would be a good choice. I like my freedom. I hear you. So you pivoted to.
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Speaker 2: Relationships talking about relationships. Why are you passionate about talking about relationships?
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Speaker 1: M that's a good question. So I think all of our lives are so impacted by relationships, right, yeap. So for myself, right, both my parents were married my whole life, and then they divorced when we got older. So I was therefore that I saw that I've been married before and then I was divorced. I have a child from my previous marriage, right, So it meant the world to me to try to figure this whole relationship thing out, and not just relationships as far as romantic relationships, but interpersonal relationships. Right, I wanted to really put my finger on how this works, you know what I mean, how because we're not we're not taught this thing, Like we're not Men are not taught how to be husbands, you know what I'm saying. Women aren't taught how to be wives. You know what I mean, We're not taught how to be uh like, what does a good parent look like? We kind of just shadow what we saw, right, So I kind of wanted to figure it out, you know, especially I think having a daughter changes everything. Right, you want to know how to be the best father and how to be a certain man because women follow, I mean now women children follow. They learn more from what they from what they see than what you tell them. Right, So I wanted to become somebody that, you know, my children and my home and my community could look to and and could be a value. Like when you look at the world, it's like, Okay, the world is all messed up? How do we how do we fix this? Okay? Well we got to start with our community, right, Okay, Well how do you impact your community? All?
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Speaker 2: Right?
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Speaker 1: Well, we're probably gonna have to fix the family dynamic. How do we fix the family dynamic. But we're gonna have to fix this dynamic between men and women. And then and then you've reduced that to okay, well this starts with doing the self work, which is what I did.
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Speaker 2: Was there a particular moment or trauma or incident that really made you feel like, wow, this is something I'm really passionate about.
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Speaker 1: I can't say it was a moment. I think everybody has a burdens, right. I think God gives us all burdens, like something that he places on you that just really bothers you. And that's you know, I say this all the time. When God created us, he created a solution to a problem. Right, So whatever burden is on Joy, it's like, well, that's what you're supposed to be working on, you know what I mean. And it's just the burden that was placed on me. And then my life begin to mirror it, right, Because He's gonna make sure a guy's gonna make sure that you get the you know O j T like on the job training through life. You know what I'm saying, to be able to get the experience that you need. You know what I mean, to be able to help people effectively.
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Speaker 3: Now, when you first started this.
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Speaker 2: There are probably some people who questioning your credibility or intentions.
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Speaker 1: Marcause you cheated on Brooke. Who are you to come on here?
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Speaker 3: Well, let's let's get to it. Do you think that those.
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Speaker 2: Mistakes or those experiences actually help you or shifted you? Or how do you what's your response to someone who says who says that?
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Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's what makes me qualified. I think my experience has made me qualified. I think that largely. Like if I use Oprah for for example, I think she's like an icon. She's incredible. I would love to sit down and have a conversation with Oprah and get some amazing advice about all types of things. One area where she couldnt give me any advice, and I kind of would, I kind of would be skeptical for her even attempting. Is if she tried to give me parenting advice, why, Well, because you don't have any children, so you're you're actually not qualified. Two give me detailed you can. You can give me like surfer, you can give me your opinion from from from the outside looking in, but you can't really tell me how to do something that you've never done. You know what I mean? So when you talk about marriage, I can I'm qualified to talk about it. I've been married twice. When you talk about divorce, I've gone through divorce. I can tell you how to navigate through that. When you talk about how uh draining or uh what's the word I'm looking for? Traumatic, you know what I mean. And fidelity is and and and how to store your relationship after those things? You know what I mean. I'm qualified to talk about these things because I experienced it, you know. So for me, I don't know why anybody would want to get advice from somebody who hasn't experienced I see people every single day, doctor such and such and psychiatrists such and such, and I'd be like, I look at clips and I'd be like, what are you talking about? That's not true? And I can tell you. I can tell that you've never you've never applied with the information that you just gave, because you would know that that doesn't it's far more layered than what you just presented.
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Speaker 2: Well, the internet is a ridiculous place. I say this as we are clearly on the Internet. But you know, nuance is not something that is bounced around very much on the Internet. It's actually what we try to do here because as a person, I am very uh black and white, like I am a very polarized person in my opinions and my thoughts.
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Speaker 3: But I love new information.
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Speaker 1: I don't always love how I get.
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Speaker 3: The new information, but I do. I am I have the ability.
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Speaker 2: To move off of an opinion when I get new information. The Internet is not for that, and I think a lot of the conversations that are had around relationships on the Internet are like the internet does puts things in one particular category. You are this, this person is this, this statement means this, and there's sixty second clips or not very long clips at that, so you have to really watch the whole thing and get the nuance of everything, and as we know, life is very nuanced. My question for you about like your philosophy on relationships, because I tend to agree with you. I think that in some ways, I think that you can get advice from people and you can do it with what it is. Because Oprah was a child, you know, so she has the experience of being a child, So maybe she's giving you advice as someone who was at one point a daughter, who was at one point a child, and that was her experience, and she might say, as a parent, I would not do this with my child, and I don't think you should do this with your child because as a child, this is what harms me or this is what would have helped me. So I just think it's it's really like how you point the advice that you give. So what is your philosophy, what is your core philosophy on relationships?
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Speaker 1: This is a good place to plug bulletproof love. It's an amazing but I thought you never asked. So my book Bulletproof Love, right, I'm teaching people how to bulletproof your relationship right, how to which is really build a durable relationship that can survive the you know, all the shenanigans that life is gonna throw at it. You know what I mean, everybody you love is gonna hurt you, right, everybody that you love is going to offend you. Right there, all life is always gonna be, is always gonna be. It is always gonna likee. So it's like, how do we recover from these things? Right? So I have the love laws, right, which is part of the framework. But then we were going there and I'm breaking down everything from childhood trauma right to breaking generational curses, breaking generational patterns, you know what I mean. I have a chapter called the Disney Effect, which talks about the impact that you know, the world and TV and Disney has had on us since children and our expectations, you know what I mean. So you know the love laws, you have, the law priority, the law of partnership, and the law pursuit. Right, So when you talk about marriage, when I'm talking about relationships, I can talk about everything, but I'm really talking about a merit from a marriage standpoint, because marriage actually works a certain way. Right. And I actually saw a clipper uh you the other day. You was did you say you you didn't want to be married? Oh no, no, no, no, no no no, I don't want to misquote you. No no, no, you know.
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Speaker 2: Yeah for me, I yeah, this is it'ld be a tult. It would be the first one I have been married.
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Speaker 1: Also, I've been engaged.
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Speaker 2: I was engaged after being married, and I was in a relationship with my husband for a pretty long time before we got married. I don't aspire to be a wife. It's not like I'm not when I'm dating or I'm in a relationship. My end goal isn't to get married. My goal is to be in a fulfilled, happy, safe relationship.
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Speaker 3: If it ends up with us getting married, I'm all for that.
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Speaker 2: I'm not against getting married, but I don't go into a situation looking for a husband. I have a I've had a different. I don't wanna say a different.
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Speaker 1: I don't.
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Speaker 2: I don't like using words like that. My experience has led me to a place where I am. I'm very content and very happy in my life the way that it is. Being married is not going to change my level of happiness based on my experiences with marriage.
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Speaker 3: But I also don't want children. So if I wanted.
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Speaker 2: Children, I would have a completely different philosophy on this.
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Speaker 1: But even you know, outside of children, like, what does marriage look like to you? Right?
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Speaker 2: Marriage to me is a partnership in every sense of the word. I think it's much more of a business partnership than we talk about. Like you mentioned earlier, we don't really have full conversations about what marriage means, and I would agree with that. I didn't consult elders when I got married. My parents were divorced. I had great relationships in my proximity, great marriages in my proximity. I should have talked to them more about what it is I'm getting into. I would have signed a prenup, not that it really mattered, but I just don't think, you know my experience with contracts at this point in my life, I'm not taking the default contract from the government.
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Speaker 3: You know.
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Speaker 2: There's just a lot of things that I think people ignore when it comes marriage, and I think Instagram also, and just the whole social media environment around marriages. It's like the wedding is the point and not the relationship, and relationships are so nuanced, and there's people bring different stuff to the table, and the person you marry at this end of your life is not going to be the same person in twenty years. You guys might change desires, you might change careers, you might fall in money problems, you might deal with health issues, you might, god forbid, have a child, diet likely, there's so many different things that can happen to people that we don't see, and nothing can really prepare you for the experience of marriage, no matter how much advice you get.
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Speaker 1: So do you not desire a partnership?
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Speaker 3: No, I love a partnership.
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Speaker 1: I'm better in a partnership. I enjoy being in a partnership.
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Speaker 3: I just don't care. I don't care about being married.
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Speaker 1: Because I think we maybe haven't calling it different things because a marriage, well like Lee, Oh, so you just don't you just don't care for the paperwork.
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Speaker 3: No, I would sign the paperwork.
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Speaker 1: But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Having gone through the.
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Speaker 2: Experiences I've gone through, which which were not all bad.
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Speaker 3: I just we're dying together.
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Speaker 1: Period.
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Speaker 2: So if I if I get married to someone at this point being someone the reason I say I if I want the kids, it would be differently because there's not a scenario on this planet that I would have a child with someone I'm not married to.
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Speaker 3: And since I don't want.
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Speaker 2: Children, the partnership is the relationship is more important than the legal paperwork to me.
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Speaker 1: Sure, But the relationship is a marriage though.
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Speaker 3: Right, well not in the eyes of the government.
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Speaker 1: Well actually yeah, for the most part. Right.
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Speaker 2: And if you live together long enough, bingo, right, because they have so that's why you gotta keep you in place.
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Speaker 1: Okay, because because for the longest time, they've changed in more recent they still have some common law marriage states. But like, if you live together more than once in five six years, like all you guys are trying to get over on this, Like you guys are actually marry right, because a mayor certificate is not what makes you married. A mare certificate is proof of your decision to be married.
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Speaker 3: So unless you want to get divorced as you know.
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Speaker 2: Well, but I will say I've had breakups that were significantly worse than my divorce to your point about being in legal stuff with someone.
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Speaker 3: So I'm trying to decide where to take this.
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Speaker 2: So you you've been through some pretty public things when it comes to relationships.
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Speaker 1: You've had people kind of.
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Speaker 2: Question, well, I mean know, you were on a show in relationship and you had infidelity, which is something, but.
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Speaker 1: A lot of those things don't feel like it doesn't always feel like I went through such public things with my relationship because they weren't true. Right, So in my mind is like, but that wasn't real?
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Speaker 3: What part wasn't real?
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Speaker 1: Most of it wasn't real?
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Speaker 3: But what what specific part wasn't real? Come on, now we're got too personal.
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Speaker 1: A lot of it wasn't real.
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Speaker 3: Okay, more more, let me ask a question. I'm gonna get my lawyer on.
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Speaker 1: You're good.
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Speaker 2: When you say that there's an incident that comes to your mind that you feel people have I think is real.
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Speaker 1: It isn't. What is that? You know what I think? I'm so I'm so cool with it, like I don't want to kill the like I don't want to ruin the fantasy for them. Right, it's like y'all, y'all believed that this long. Y'allmight as well go ahead, go crazy, have a ball. But like most of it is not true, Like the stuff that happened in my relationship in real life, it never made.
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Speaker 2: It to camera, okay, but there was there were things that that did make it a camera, some things that made it a camera, things that made it's a camera. And listen, I feel you like I'm I'm I'm on this side of the camera. Of course, it's a safe place. The internet is not a safe place, but this is a safe, safe place. I'm not in no way trying to set you up. We're talking about relationships, and you talk about relationships.
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Speaker 1: Talk about relationship, and well, let me ask you this.
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Speaker 2: Let's let's let's let's let's let's give you a little breather on that world ward return. Do you think that do you think that your your relationship. Well, do you intend for your relationships? Advice to meet women or men or both both?
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Speaker 3: Do you think you speak specifically to men?
00:23:41
Speaker 1: I speak to both. What do you think?
00:23:44
Speaker 3: Okay?
00:23:44
Speaker 2: So, what do you think is the issue that men are dealing with most? Like? What is the biggest struggle for men in relationships right now in the year of our lower twenty twenty six?
00:23:54
Speaker 1: Lack of safety, lack of emotional safety, lack of understanding. You think that men feel misunderstood, misunderstood and just not safe.
00:24:04
Speaker 3: It's not safe in what way? Emotionally emotionally safe?
00:24:07
Speaker 1: Right? Largely? Most women their feelings are their facts. How most women feel, Okay, it's a fact to them, it's their truths, right, And most women will deal with you based off of how they feel. Right, And there's no safety in that, right, because we feel different every single day. And once we make a commitment to one another, if you're just gonna pull out of the commitment because you no longer feel like this, then why would I even enter the commitment?
00:24:47
Speaker 2: So should women becoming approaching relationships from a more rational perspective?
00:24:52
Speaker 1: I think it's it's it should be purpose based. What do you getting we're not Nobody should be getting a relationship because they're lonely, because they're bored. You know what I'm saying, some business you can maybe I can't imagine you ever haven't getting into a relationship because out of boredom? Right, you're busy?
00:25:09
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm not very bored very often.
00:25:11
Speaker 1: Right, So, I think a lot of times people getting relationships for the wrong reasons. But what's the purpose of a relationship? What does that person have that you know? And you look, you look at you look at the gifts that you have that God has given you, and you're like, Okay, our gifts match, our purpose match. This is a line here. I can help you with this. I can you can help me with this, you know what I mean? There has to be some type of purpose there. Right.
00:25:35
Speaker 2: So, but when you say men don't feel safe, they don't feel safe to express their their emotions with women, they don't feel safe to express their vulnerabilities with women.
00:25:46
Speaker 1: Everything right, So, for one right, I want to say, seventy five percent of the voices are initiated by women. Right, women. A woman will wake up.
00:25:58
Speaker 2: One day feel like this and just make a Okay, now, Marcus, They're not getting divorced because they woke up cranky.
00:26:08
Speaker 1: But there's a build up of a.
00:26:11
Speaker 2: Lot like like I would say, from my perspective, I will make an absolute decision and be resolute in that decision, But the journey to that decision was riddled with opportunity, with conversations, with tears, with please I have I.
00:26:33
Speaker 3: Have been built up to this decision.
00:26:36
Speaker 2: So yes, my decision may be based on my feelings, but my feelings that this was going to be the outcome if this, this behavior or this circumstance didn't change, did not happen like you know, and I would argue on behalf of most women that that is the case.
00:26:52
Speaker 1: Sure, I mean, but my thing is this right going back to marriage, when we get when we say for better for worse, in sickness and in health, right, for riches for poor. Yes, when we when we give these vowels right because people love to create their own narratives that they didn't say at the wedding or or when they that are based off of vow that they didn't give. You know what I mean. People be blown up relationships and you vow to stand, you know what I mean? But it's like, what is irreconcilable difference. So what does that mean you're married?
00:27:33
Speaker 2: Well, okay, let let's let's let's roll back a couple of points.
00:27:38
Speaker 3: Where I do think we agree is that.
00:27:43
Speaker 2: Most people, myself included, do not really take the time to think about what a marriage commitment is. Sure me also, yeah, And because of that, they're reconcirable differences, the breaking of the vowel, those type of things, for better or worse, all that stuff goes out the window because you're in the situation and you're like, wait a minute, fuck what I said on that alter. I'm not living my life this way, Like I have a finite time on this earth, and this is not how I'm going to spend it. And I've tried to fix it, and I've tried to do this, and this is not changing. This is how I feel. I'm exiting this situation. And had the gravity of the commitment been more clear at the beginning, maybe we wouldn't get to that point.
00:28:29
Speaker 3: My question for you is what is what is the line for worse?
00:28:35
Speaker 2: Like?
00:28:35
Speaker 3: How far do we go here? Are we talking about.
00:28:39
Speaker 1: Abuse?
00:28:39
Speaker 3: Are we talking about substance abuse? Are we talking about neglect?
00:28:43
Speaker 2: Are we talking about you've gambled away all of our famili's money. Are we talking about you're not being a good father to your children?
00:28:50
Speaker 1: Are we talking about infidelity?
00:28:52
Speaker 2: Because all of these things can pop amongst a myriad of other things that both people can do. But for the sake of this, I'm being a woman, you being a man. Let's talk about the men. What points is it no longer about that commitment that we've said we're going to do this for life, and there's a choice that has to be made about that person's life because that that to me, I agree, there are things that chapters are going to go through in relationships, but there does and some of them might be very dark, but there does come a point where it's a choice between darkness or forever and and and and a lot of very extreme cases it it can't you can be playing.
00:29:33
Speaker 3: With your life.
00:29:34
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think it comes down to, like, you know, I just think people need to get when it when they get into relationships, they need to draw that out, like when you're in the dating stage. Right, this is this is what means something to me. This doesn't mean anything to me. Most people get in relationships and just be like, well, I just feel like you should understand or I just feel like you should know that. You should know that already. Yeah, I expect someone to read my mind. Yeah, and it's like, how would I how would I know? What? We will? We never discuss how we.
00:30:03
Speaker 3: I'm not joking.
00:30:04
Speaker 2: I know it's a flya. It's right, we discuss it. I've accepted this about myself.
00:30:09
Speaker 3: No, I don't. I don't hold it against people when they can.
00:30:11
Speaker 1: I do.
00:30:11
Speaker 2: I do hold it against someone they can. But I don't get mad because you can't read my mind.
00:30:17
Speaker 3: That's not true.
00:30:18
Speaker 2: I do get mad, but then I forgive because they can't read my mind.
00:30:22
Speaker 1: Then you leave them for not being able to read their mind.
00:30:24
Speaker 2: No, no, of course, not, of course not. No, I'm not. I'm not that much of a psychopath.
00:30:29
Speaker 1: But now you're so so you're singing in a dating stage. You should say it should be clear if you gamble our money away, I'm going to leave you. You should say that we got to cover all the all the every single one, right, Like, so for me, I get my h my foundation is scripture, right, Okay, So I go by the Bible and I say this all the time, right, Like, even let's say we don't believe in the same God. Right, everybody doesn't believe in the God I believe even right, the Bible is still like one of the greatest books of wisdom ever, So even if you just read it from that perspective, right, because there's nothing new under the sound right, relationships has been going on forever. Divorce has happened, whatever infidelity has happened, forever. Everything that you can possibly go through in your life, somebody went through it already, right, And so you'd be crazy to think that you're going through you're going into a relationship, and you're creating rules that have never been in this This has been going on, so we can go look and we're like, oh this this work like this or now that's not gonna work. History says that doesn't work, you know what I mean. So for me, I just think it really comes down to setting hard boundaries, setting hard standards, saying like, look, this is what I'm open to, this is not what I'm open to, this is what I'll leave you for. For me, I can tell you what I'll leave my wife for, like, for sure is if she is intentionally trying to put me in harm's way. Okay, in any way. Anyway, it has to be intentional though.
00:32:04
Speaker 2: That's so, and you will determine whether it's a mistake or it's intentional based on the nature of the situation.
00:32:13
Speaker 1: What would she leave you for? I can't tell you probably probably probably along alone to the same thing. You know, I judged the heart, you know what I mean? Like, where's your heart at? You know what I mean? People make mistakes. Where's your heart at? What was your intent? Like? What was what was your heart at? Like? That matters to me.
00:32:33
Speaker 2: I think assuming good intent is something that is a principle of relationships that can apply across the board.
00:32:43
Speaker 3: For the sake of this conversation.
00:32:44
Speaker 2: In relationships, a conversation that I had not too long ago was just about that, like assuming good intent, and I got pissed because I was like, why the fuck would you even think that that's what it would be. I'm not disrespectful, I'm not da da da. You should assume that I am here with good intentions. But you have to learn someone to know what their intentions are. But in a marriage, you know this person, yeah, I would hope. So you've committed to this person, so if they make a mistake, you automatically assume or they do something that may harm you or put you in harms. Right, you are going to assume, at least the first time, that this was not intentional.
00:33:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you have to know your person, you know what I mean? Like if somebody gave me a list of things that my wife did, I can go down them and be like she did this. Yep, she for sure said that. She doesn't say that she would never, She doesn't talk like that. She doesn't even think like this. You know what I'm saying. I can go this, And this goes for any of my friends, anybody that I'm in relationship with, whether romantic, business are personal. I don't enter relationship without knowing somebody. I don't choose somebody without knowing somebody, right, Like love is a decision, right.
00:33:53
Speaker 2: And.
00:33:56
Speaker 1: Like I don't even like saying in love. I like it's more like in knowledge of right, because in order for me to love, you have to know who you are, and I have to choose to accept everything about you, right that I have to choose to accept what I know. Right, So it's like, Okay, I watch, I pay attention, I go through things with you. Okay, this is who this person is. Now I have to ask myself can I accept that? And if the answer is yes, okay, we're good. And if the answers no, you should probably not spend no time trying to change the person. You should probably abord mission before you go any further. But once you accept the person, okay, who you know who the person is? So you know, I think it's I think it's cool to faught people or yeah, the false people people for failing in areas where you know they weak, right, Like for example, like if Shaq doesn't make missus missus a free throw, we were not gonna beat up Shack for missing free throws. Like Shaq doesn't make free throws, that's not what he does. If if I see Shaq on the three point, you know what I'm saying, Like he miss a three in practice, but I'm not gonna make fun you missed the three. You don't we know what Shack does. Diesel gets to the paint even time. You know what I'm saying. So I think you have to look at people and look at what their weaknesses, and you have to ask yourself if you can accept that.
00:35:14
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean accepting the whole of a person.
00:35:16
Speaker 2: Is an important It's an important factor in a relationship, the good, the bad, the past, their future, and really being honest with yourself about is this person for you? I find a lot in dating, in my experiences with women is and I only speak to this because I'm not a man. A lot of women get an idea of what their partner, what they want their partner to be, and then they'll find someone and they'll try and squish that person into that idea because they have a couple things that they like but not the core. And then they are also simultaneously ignoring the things that are dangerous for what they what their long term goals are, and then that cycle kind of repeats itself rather than actually looking for the person that has the values that you want.
00:36:15
Speaker 3: And checking boxes is.
00:36:16
Speaker 2: Something that I just fucking hate in relationships, Like as soon as someone starts saying saying that, my god, good luck to you, especially if the boxes that you're looking to check are material things or how tall someone is, or how much money they make, or what kind of career they have, or you know, just just things that are just really irrelevant. Is this person kind? Is this person intelligent? If intelligence matters to you? Is this person loving? Is this person loyal? You know, the things that are the foundation of anyone that you'd want to have.
00:36:50
Speaker 1: Money not a thing for you.
00:36:52
Speaker 2: Passionate career is a thing for me because I'm almost forty years old. So I wouldn't be dating someone who one. I can't date someone who's not passionate about what it is they do every day.
00:37:04
Speaker 1: The elementary school teach, they're passionate about that, are they?
00:37:08
Speaker 2: Are they in our full time elementary school? We shure, yeah, okay, okay. So we were talking about this earlier. No, no, no, because I get asked this all the time. And I actually had this conversation with my friend this weekend, and it's it's a conversation that comes up with successful women a lot, and and and.
00:37:25
Speaker 3: We have this conversation. We just we're just not very nice about it.
00:37:30
Speaker 2: So I'll give it the more PG version of it now that that's what we do around here.
00:37:34
Speaker 1: But I don't want to hur anyone's feelings.
00:37:35
Speaker 2: It's not about dating a normal guy. I'm not a normal person. I'm a I'm a I'm an extreme outlier of a person in almost every way that you can be. And I don't say that from an arrogant perspective. There's very negative things that have happened to me as well, and all of those things form the universe that is joy. So I don't know what a normal person is. But let's say somebody who has a teaching job, for example, why would I not be with a teacher.
00:38:05
Speaker 3: If we're talking about money, My life is fine. I don't rely on anyone else to pay my bills to maintain the lifestyle that I have.
00:38:12
Speaker 2: If I want to go and pop out Toakabo for the weekend, I can do that. If that's not something that you can do every weekend, then you just don't come with me.
00:38:22
Speaker 3: That's fine. Now, if you have a problem.
00:38:24
Speaker 2: With that, as I would assume that most people would, because that is a big jump in lifestyle, then yeah, we probably aren't on equal footing to be in a long term relationship. But what someone's job is, as far as like making millions of dollars or being front facing or any of those things, doesn't that does That is no consequence to me. I want someone who is interesting, who is passionate, who believes in what they do every day, Because I do think what you do every day even if it's not something that your like, long term want to do, you need to find job in that. You need to find some passion in what it is that you do. And also, like I said, I'm almost forty, I'm not dating a twenty three year old who's on their life journey. I love that for them, but the wayans are not for me. Sorry, guys like different, I'm in a different place in my life, you know what I mean? Like I live, I live a different way, and I think for a lot of successful women. So we'll just have that conversation in a different tax bracket type of women. Because there's the success is also a word that people throw around that is irrelevant. If you have achieved what you want to achieve in life, you are a successful person. It doesn't the amount of money that is attached to that is irrelevant to me. We're not talking about success. So let's talk about like higher earning women or higher educated women.
00:39:41
Speaker 3: And that's the conversation.
00:39:43
Speaker 2: I think putting money as the top thing in your check your checklist is a very silly.
00:39:52
Speaker 1: Thing to do. I agree. I agree, what would joy leave a man for? Oh lord, we don't have enough? We have We've been here too long everything. We don't have enough time for that.
00:40:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would leave a man for a lot of things.
00:40:11
Speaker 2: Would I wouldn't leave my husband for a lot of things, But I don't have a husband.
00:40:15
Speaker 1: I would leave a man for anything that's fair. What would you leave a husband for.
00:40:20
Speaker 2: Well, certainly I would leave a husband for for making me unsafe, for putting, like you said, for putting me in a situation where I'm unsafe in whatever normal rational version that is. I think habitual infidelity would be something I wouldn't.
00:40:37
Speaker 1: Say habitual crazy for sure. Well, that's just that's who you are. If it's habitual.
00:40:42
Speaker 3: I do think I.
00:40:43
Speaker 2: Would have a conversation about what infidelity looks like, because I do think that looks different for a lot of different people. So if it was something harmful or something egregious, probably, Yeah.
00:40:57
Speaker 3: I don't know.
00:40:57
Speaker 2: This is I'm just not a good person asked this question. Honestly, I'm being honest. I just I do not I don't I'm not going to be Yeah, at this at this point in my life, are a.
00:41:11
Speaker 1: I am A I'm a very safe place. I am. I am I.
00:41:15
Speaker 2: I am someone who loves to talk and I have dealt with a.
00:41:20
Speaker 1: Lot of trauma in my life.
00:41:22
Speaker 2: I really try to meet people where they are and my one of my biggest curses in life is is looking for the common grounds and people because it's it's a gift and a curse. Something I enjoy, enjoy connecting with people, but I also then immediately start to overlook the things that I shouldn't be overlooking.
00:41:43
Speaker 3: So yeah, but I'm what what is being safe mean to you?
00:41:47
Speaker 1: Though? So? For example, right, my wife is like very very safe, right.
00:41:58
Speaker 2: Like she lets you prime in front of her, She lets you speak your truth, she doesn't throw things in your face, she allows you to be vulnerable, those type of things.
00:42:10
Speaker 1: I've never told my wife something and she used it against me, not once ever as safety.
00:42:20
Speaker 2: You know what, I could we could not agree more. It is one of my absolute, unequivocal hard lines in life. If I tell you something, even the smallest thing, and I share it with you and you use that to harm me, this is.
00:42:38
Speaker 3: Why I can't have a gun. And I'm joking, yeah, yeah, I'm just kidding.
00:42:46
Speaker 1: I what.
00:42:49
Speaker 2: It puts me in such a ferocious state of mind because it is it's such a I think it's something that happens in a lot of relationships. It happens certainly happens in business, which is why if you're a business person, you learn very early what to share, when to share it, how to share it. It's a whole game that you have to navigate no matter what business you're in, music, television, real estate, whatever like that. That notion of who and what and when and where to share information is a baseline for business. For relationships, I mean you're talking about family like that. That principle that you're talking about, I think is the core base of trust in a relationship.
00:43:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, people aren't safe. Men aren't safe either. It's like men women. People aren't safe. You know, people aren't safe places. But it's crazy because everybody desires safety, right. But you know, I know I hear people say all the time, oh, my crew, that's my best friend, or you know, my and my god, it's my best friend. But it be cap like they're ready to be talking, right Because if I can't tell talk to my wife about everything that I talk to my actual god best friends about, then are you actually my best friend?
00:43:57
Speaker 3: So you tell your wife everything my.
00:44:00
Speaker 1: Wife about everything within within reason, I don't talk to her about anyone else's business. Right, So if y'all don't share a tea, no, no, no, that's that that's that we gotta share tea. No, we can't do it because because he not not like business. He is different than business. No, So what we'll do is, like we have a lot of mutual friends. So like if she'll know something going like you just he'll high light, you'll hoighight you asking Okay, you know what I'm that's that's fair. But that's that's like a primary reason why you know, we stopped going through phone thing a long time ago, Like that's part of safety. But I don't want to look at her phone.
00:44:36
Speaker 2: Because you don't go through her phone. Not Hell, no, you asked me something I would leave him in for what's that if he went through my phone?
00:44:43
Speaker 3: No questions asked? So I'm not living that life.
00:44:47
Speaker 1: Yeah. So for me, I can use my wife phone if I need it, and she can use my phone. My thing is if you ever use my phone to try to find out something about me, we have a problem because it's it's it's an intimacy killer. Like you just because I actually want I want you to know whatever you want to know. You know what I'm saying, like, just come ask me, come high, let meybody.
00:45:09
Speaker 2: At what point in the relationship does this rule apply? Because you know there there I agree with you, like dating is different than married man.
00:45:19
Speaker 1: If I'm dating, period, you don't get a pass code, you don't get a location, you don't you don't get too much dating is me trying to figure I'm still I'm still trying to figure out who you are. I'm still trying to decide if I even want to make this decision to sit down with you. I haven't decided yet. But the moment that we are committed, the moment that my decisions affect you and your decisions affect me, then there needs to be transparency. I need to see. I need to be able to see for us, you know what I'm saying, to protect myself, to protect you, and vice versa. So my wife can use my phone whenever she needs to.
00:45:51
Speaker 2: But there's a bridge period, right, there's like the dating and then you're in a committed, serious relationship, let's call it, even in gagged, and you haven't walked down the aisle. Where does the transparency thing come into. There's no aisle, there's no aisle for me in my mind, right, Like, Okay, but you know what I'm saying, that's that's a figure speech. I'm saying, like, then there's married.
00:46:13
Speaker 1: So like I don't believe that there's a bridge. I think I think I think there's a runway. Okay, let's do that, Okay, right, Okay, So so what happens on the runway, Well, we we pull out of a gate, Okay, Okay, then we we taxi to the runway. Right.
00:46:29
Speaker 2: So, but flights have been canceled while they're still on the runway. That's good, I agree, I don't. I don't want to go up in the plane either if it's not right.
00:46:38
Speaker 1: Right, So, if the flight is canceled while we're on the wrong way, we go back to the gate.
00:46:44
Speaker 2: And then we get off and we hit our backsp Okay, but what I'm saying is, in this runway analogy we're talking about, let's have the transparency conversation, right, because that really is what the phone conversation is.
00:46:55
Speaker 3: I am like a very I'm a psychopath about transparent.
00:47:00
Speaker 1: I do not. I'm not.
00:47:01
Speaker 2: I don't really wait in the transparency waters. I've had some really bad experiences with the whole transparency culture thing, mostly because the people who were asking me for transparency were not good people and they use it against me.
00:47:16
Speaker 3: And I have traumas because of that. And I have no problem saying that like that is it is.
00:47:20
Speaker 2: One of my biggest challenges in relationships is being open and transparent because I have to drop a little seed in the you know, just drop a little drop water in the bucket and see how you handle things before I give you.
00:47:35
Speaker 1: That's the whole bit.
00:47:36
Speaker 3: But you can't really get you know, the plane really can't take off entirely until you get past.
00:47:44
Speaker 1: That past.
00:47:47
Speaker 3: Pat Like you have to know someone really right, and that's when.
00:47:50
Speaker 1: We take off. But that's what So when I first meet you and I decide that, you know what, I like this person, I mean Joy, I like you know what, Joy, It's good to me. You seem like a decent person. I want to get to know you. Right, see book the flight booked, the flight flights booked right, and I get on the flight immediately, right. So now we're taxing, right, we're backing this thing out the back out of slow. Know, we're back out the back out of slow right, we're backing out right. You got the people. You got the people on the side that have that are waving the things. Right, Let's just say those are red flags, right or green flags? They have both? Cool. Actually, so you're paying attention to the signs, you're looking out the window, You're like, okay, this is hm hm, I'm not crazy about that. Let's see if we get these further down the wrong way right or was maybe that was like a missip. Well, just we're just paying attention, so we're backing out. Then we're clear to start taxing to the to the wrong way. So this is just dating. This is me getting to say see who you are and giving you time and space to walk it like you're talking, Like I hear what you're saying. But one thing, you're not gonna talk me to death.
00:49:05
Speaker 2: So you you want to see action with uh with words? Yeah, I mean I'm a consistency person. Like one of the most important things to me in any interpersonal relationship, business, anything is consistency because it's very easy.
00:49:21
Speaker 3: Well one I think one of my vulnerabilities is.
00:49:26
Speaker 2: Where's it affirmation? So you can you can talk me into some ship. So I need to see, I need to I have forced myself to grow in the area of great. You've said a lot of nice things. I like how this sounds. Let's see if your actions consistently for a period of time match what you're saying.
00:49:47
Speaker 1: That's taxiing, Yeah, okay, with taxi into the taxi into the wrong way. Now, once we get to the wrong way, there's no in between here right right where either taking off or we're going back to a decision has to be made, right, there's no such thing as taking off and changing our minds. Right once wheels leave the ground. Wheels are on the ground.
00:50:12
Speaker 3: Because you feel safe. Now you feel it's safe to take off.
00:50:15
Speaker 1: But there's a decision though, right, like both like you don't you don't accidentally take off. You you have to intentionally take off. So once you intentionally take off, you've checked everything, right, the pot is literally they're checking all the lights, they check the brakes, they every they checked every everything.
00:50:31
Speaker 3: Just to be the title of your next book, it might be the take off.
00:50:34
Speaker 1: The take off. That's fine, that's fine, that's fine. But but but it takes full intentionality to get to that point. Right, So once you take off, it's like, okay, cool.
00:50:47
Speaker 2: What's I mean intentionality it's something that that's very applicable. How how do you preach this to the men in your life? Like, how do you hold this philosophy that you have the bulletproof love philosophy, the intentionality, the safe space is Like do you encourage the men in your life to provide this to women?
00:51:12
Speaker 1: Yeah? I mean I encourage my guys to stay single until you know who you want, what you want to do, you know what I mean? Like, I think there's a huge misconception that we have to be in relationships, Like you don't have to get married, You don't have to be in a committed relationship man or woman. You don't have to right, So once you choose to do this, there's a way that works, you know what I mean? Like most men understand going to work, right, So if you go to work and you have a job, you have to do your job regardless of what other employees are doing, regardless of how your boss spoke to you today, regardless of what customer came into that store and rubbed you the wrong way. We're doing our job no matter what, you know what I mean? Like all this back and forth, all the matching energy, all the when you sign up to do something intentionally. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna sit down, We're gonna do this. And I encourage men to just stand on that because largely I believe that we set the pace, you know what I mean, like as as the foundation of our homes and as the leaders of our home Like I tell you one hundred percent, like everything at my crib is a reflection to me, if me and my wife in a great space of if my if my house is in harmony, if if everything's landing, that's that's causing me. And when things are off, that's causing me. Also, you know what I mean. I saw this this quote from Alan Iverson. He has said one time he was like, Man, I'm the leader this, I'm the captainist team. If we win this, cousin me and if we lose this because of me, and that's just that's just that's just what it is, you know what I mean. So, and there's there's fine print to that, right because but even the fine print points back to intentionality, right, because if you choose the wrong person, you know, then that's gonna backfire on you all the time. Right, You can choose a crash that You can choose somebody who just brings, who just has a desire to sabotage everything, but you still chose them.
00:53:13
Speaker 3: You chose that person, so it's your responsibility.
00:53:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I hate hearing men and women anybody. I hate hearing people whining and complaining about decisions they made. You chose her, you chose him, You chose to let him get you pregnant, you chose to put a baby in her. This is youall decisions. Nobody made y'all do nothing. Like, no one ever hear like that. You'll never hear me complaining about past relationships. So I've made every decision. I mean, nobody can make markets do nothing. I did what I wanted to do.
00:53:44
Speaker 2: Do you think that the space that were in, let's call it the gender war, which you know, it's a whole other like conversation, but the space that we're in with how men relates to women, how women relate to men?
00:53:59
Speaker 3: Do you think that is a societal issue? Like where do you stand on what the current state is?
00:54:07
Speaker 2: Like?
00:54:07
Speaker 1: Where where is it? Where's it all coming from? It's one of those Uh, does art imitate life or this life imitate art type things? Okay? Or what came first, the chicken at the egg. It's both like it goes together, right, Like social media is marrying what's going on in real life, but then social media is actually instigating, you know what I mean, and adding things that or creating narratives based off of a singular experiences. I remember one time, I don't know if you remember this. It was a it was a post and it became a conversation. It was like something about like women niggas was mad because women don't want to go to cheesecake factory. It's something like that. You remember the cheese ka factory conversation.
00:54:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, I got called a pick me over that. I'm sorry, you bitch just don't like cheesecake factory. But that's your fault.
00:54:57
Speaker 1: But truth, I mean, you've you've just not had enough scake factory. I guess I just never met a woman that was like, yeah, I'm not going to cheesecake factory.
00:55:05
Speaker 3: Of course you haven't because it's fucking in the internet conversations too.
00:55:08
Speaker 1: Right, But that's what I'm saying. One person, one man that with a woman who said I'm not going to cheesecake factory. He brought the narrative to the Internet, and now men hate women because women don't want to go to Cheeseca.
00:55:18
Speaker 3: It's a fun conversation.
00:55:19
Speaker 1: I hated it.
00:55:20
Speaker 3: I had a great time because one I really love cheesecake Factory.
00:55:23
Speaker 2: I get the white Chicken Chili White Chicken Chili fire, and I get the I really like the chicken picada, but it's got to be on a leftovers night, like I gotta know I'm gonna eat it tomorrow for leftos because there's so much food.
00:55:34
Speaker 1: It's like four pieces of chicken.
00:55:36
Speaker 3: And then the Southwest a Girls Platinum strawberry lemonade. I know, the brown bread is fine. I'm not a big bread person.
00:55:42
Speaker 1: The brown bread is incredible.
00:55:44
Speaker 2: It is, but I was just not a big bread person. But the pushback on the on the cheesecake factory thing is to your point. It's one person. It's an outlier, stupid fucking thing.
00:55:52
Speaker 1: But men don't take me.
00:55:53
Speaker 2: A cheesecake factory. I mean, let's be serious. That's why everyone was mad at me. Even my girlfriends were like, why are you on the internet talking about.
00:56:02
Speaker 1: Cheese ka factory because no one's taking Because.
00:56:03
Speaker 3: No one's taking any cheese factory. But that's not fair. I live in LA.
00:56:07
Speaker 2: There's a million great restaurants in the in the in like the price point of cheesecake factory that are like mom and pop.
00:56:13
Speaker 3: They're like legendary restaurants. So you can go like real creative, Like there's certain places in the country where cheesea factory is the restaurant.
00:56:20
Speaker 1: That's what they have there. That is not fucking cheap.
00:56:22
Speaker 2: Right, two people at cheesecake factory is running you what seventy five bucks?
00:56:27
Speaker 1: Maybe? But niggas was mad see these BITSA don't even want to go to cheesecake factory. You're like, fam, that's not real. Yes, it's not real. Niggas be really, really really mad and they have the right to, I guess because they believe the narrative.
00:56:43
Speaker 2: So what I mean, but coming from a male's perspective, what is the issue that men have with dating right now? Because I can give you my perspective, which is which is colored in a million different ways from my own experiences, from where I am in life, from my old friends that I have.
00:57:02
Speaker 1: So what is your perspective on it?
00:57:04
Speaker 2: Like, like, if you were to hold men just men accountable, take women out of it for a second, you were a hold men accountable and you were to give them advice. Like here's we have this loneliness epidemic. Okay, people are struggling to relate to each other. Here you are a man who has has gone through different things. You've made a mistaken or I don't know to say if you've made it, but I don't know if you considered a mistake or not. But like you've been divorced, right, you were in a public uh relationship. You are in a public relationship, but you publicly made mistakes that harmed your partner in some way.
00:57:38
Speaker 3: So much show that TSA is still mad at you, and here you are.
00:57:42
Speaker 1: You're not safe. I'm not saying.
00:57:47
Speaker 3: The table. I'm just setting the table, okay, and we hurt that agreement. This is a safe space. I'm not throwing in your face.
00:57:53
Speaker 1: I am. I'm only repeating the facts, and I'm not judging you for it.
00:57:57
Speaker 3: By the way, also, I'm not.
00:58:00
Speaker 2: I'm not.
00:58:00
Speaker 3: I'm genuinely not judging you.
00:58:03
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm in no position to judge anyone.
00:58:06
Speaker 3: This is your life, right, So a man can look at you and say I've made those mistakes or similar mistakes. I see myself and him I want to be a happily married man, as Marcus says that he is because his beautiful wife and family.
00:58:20
Speaker 1: What do I need to do that I'm doing wrong?
00:58:23
Speaker 2: Like there are men who say they want these things, who are who are not taking the right steps to accountability? Because you feel like you've been accountable to yourself and to your partner. So what would you say to them?
00:58:36
Speaker 1: Learn how to die? Okay? What does die like? How? It's a long road, but you have to wake up every single morning and you have to choose to die to yourself. You have to chose to die to your ego. You got to tutor die to your choose to die to your pride. You got to choose to die to your fleshly desires that no one really the stands and society tells you that you're evil for even having these desires that you never asked for. Right die to that be willing and be ready to sacrifice everything for this person. You know what I'm saying, Like marriage only works in first place. If you want to be married, you have to figure you have to you have to be ready to make your woman number one. You know what I'm saying, Like the only thing that goes that should go above your wife is your purpose with God. You know God and what he since you here to do outside of that shit and nothing go in front of that. And if you're not ready for that, which is okay because you don't have to put a woman first, just don't get married. But it's a death like it's such a like literally, if you get married at like twenty five, thirty years old, in ten years, your testosterone if you're if you're actually like doing it the right way, like you're actually not you're actually dying to yourself. You're actually not out here with other women. Your testosterone is gonna be on floor by forty two. Won't be on the floor. You're gonna have to start starting to go get You're gonna have to go get like testosterone like replacement shots and stuff like that.
01:00:10
Speaker 2: Wait, so you're saying you're gonna lose testosterone by getting married earlier.
01:00:15
Speaker 1: So so everything that gives you everything that you need to hunt right, everything that you need to that God gives you. Right, Like people act like sex driver is a bad thing. Sex driver is a phenomenal thing. Right. If I'm in the gym working out right, I just did three sets. I'm tired. It's my last it's the last workout. We did bench press last, right, Okay, and I'm exhausted. Lets some pretty walk by that smell good and watch me have an extra burst right now. The issue is that we have not learned what to do with that energy. You know what I mean. Most men, most successful men, have beautiful assistance secretaries around. Women are inspiring you, guys, a beautiful before. You smell good, You look good, y'all. Stuff, It's amazing, you know what I'm saying. We have to learn how to smell the perfume and not drink the perfume.
01:01:09
Speaker 3: Because you drinking perfume is very bad for you.
01:01:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, women could be very bad for you if you don't just listen, disappreciate, and move around. Okay, that was a lot.
01:01:19
Speaker 2: Let me think where I want to tap back in. Okay, we're I do agree with you that there there is an ego. How this is a sacrifice of ego. Being in a committed long term relationship is compromise, constant, constant compromise.
01:01:38
Speaker 3: You want to go to cheese take factory. She wants to go to boll Terror. You get it for both This is gonna make her happy, You're gonna go to about that's compromise you really want? Of those Southwest girls, I getting them tonight. Small compromises, big compromises. It's it's about giving yourself to another person. And if you are an egotistic, if you are still in that state where ego is the main thing driving you, marriage probably isn't for you at this point. Really, if you want a successful marriage, if you want to check a box, then yeah, you can do that. But I would agree with that when it comes to the sex drive conversation. I'm curious.
01:02:18
Speaker 2: I have my own journey with my sex drive, and I'm a woman, so our journeys are totally different than men.
01:02:27
Speaker 3: From a scientific standpoint. Obviously, I am not a doctor of that sort.
01:02:32
Speaker 2: I do have a doctor from very university, though I'll get fucked up. I'm a medical doctor. Let's just skip that part. Men have a sex drive as younger men than women do, and then it sort of switches as women get older they reach their sexual peak. We've all agreed on that to this point, on the limited research that we have in women's bodies.
01:02:52
Speaker 3: So how do you teach young men? Because let's talk about young men.
01:02:59
Speaker 2: How do you teach young men to have that kind of resolve and and principle and self control.
01:03:04
Speaker 1: You have to teach them the benefit of it, right of of of keeping themselves right. When you know, when when you lay down with it, when you have sex, you bust a nut, you're not energized. You you're actually tired. You lose energy, right, So it's like it's not clarity, Well just just just you do not what that is. That's the thing I heard that Drake said it now, folks, nut clarity is the idea of like you know, you know, you know how Wayne said, Wayne said in the song. But as soon as I come I come to my senses. You know what I'm saying. It's like you you lay down with a woman, you had a good time, and after you finish, it's like, I shouldn't have did that, Like that was I don't even like her. That's what they're talking about.
01:03:53
Speaker 2: And does that from a women's perspective, that can take a lot out of you because there are a lot of societal pressures and implications, and some people might have religious guilt and all those things to sex.
01:04:05
Speaker 1: What is that experience for men? What experienced the post not clarity, No, like when if.
01:04:12
Speaker 2: You're being with someone who Because I've seen you talk about sex on your on your show interviews, and I think for a lot of people, and these are conversations I have with my girlfriends all the time, that you should determine what sex is to you. And I think women have that conversation at a much younger age than men do because societally, men are encouraged to have a lot of sex.
01:04:37
Speaker 1: They're encouraged to sow.
01:04:38
Speaker 2: Their oats, so to speak, and women are shamed for doing similar things. If they come from a religious background, there's a whole other thing they're saddled with when it comes to their relationship with their body. And women have sex drives too, Like young women want to have sex. It's not at the level or the intensity or ferocity that young men do, but like people are fucking, so somebody's having somebody wants to have sex. Like these are mutual agreement, agreed upon activities. From a woman's perspective, it takes some time for me as a young woman to decide how, when, where, and what your relationship is with sex.
01:05:19
Speaker 3: Do young men have those conversations? Oh?
01:05:22
Speaker 1: Absolutely, not they're not being had at all. No one's having these conversations with us, and that's the issue, right. But I think that we need to be taught to value ourselves too, you know what I mean. And it really comes down to like why for everything? You know what I mean, Like what are you actually even doing it for? Like what's the what's the goal?
01:05:46
Speaker 3: Right?
01:05:47
Speaker 1: And if you I think a man's primary responsibility should be his purpose, and you should use your energy to pursue your gifts and what you know God has given you to do on this earth. The thing about sex, there's nothing, there's no such thing as casual sex. I don't believe it exists, cause I don't think it's anything. I mean, the term exists, but I don't think there's anything casual casual about it.
01:06:09
Speaker 2: Right.
01:06:11
Speaker 1: Sex is for bonding and then pro creating and recreation with somebody that you're bonded to, right, bonding not I'm not. I'm not saying that casually. I mean literally two things coming together.
01:06:25
Speaker 2: So you've you've never had sex with someone that you were like that was a sexual experience and we're both doing separate.
01:06:33
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I have in that, but I still felt I felt more than I wanted to feel. You know what I'm saying, Like, when you begin to do that, you're starting this cleaving, this bonding process, right, and so when you when you when you do that, and I can't. I'm speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for all men, but I've never been intimate with a woman and felt nothing. You know what I'm saying now, I didn't feel I'm not saying I felt this designment love now, but I definitely felt more on it. And and and most of them might cross my mind to this day, I wonder such or such like that. You can't you can't just I can't just get them. They're not just out your system forever. You know what I'm saying. There's certain people.
01:07:17
Speaker 3: That what sounds like you value women.
01:07:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's that's the that's the conclusion you came to from that though, Yeah, I.
01:07:26
Speaker 2: Mean, listen, there are there are certainly men who I've had conversations with who can who say at least that they can have sex with women and have no emotional uh connection of any sort, let alone a psychological or spiritual connection with someone.
01:07:44
Speaker 1: Lying a lot though, and Okay, like I agree.
01:07:49
Speaker 2: But but but but again, I am not a man, so I'm not going to speak. I'll speak on my my experiences with men or conversations, but I am not been a man in any have not transitioned.
01:08:01
Speaker 1: So do they do?
01:08:04
Speaker 3: Are they lying?
01:08:05
Speaker 1: I'm not all men, you know what I'm saying. But most men be lying because it's not It's not cool to say that I'm thinking about her. It's not cool to say that I miss her. It's not cool to say that I have feelings.
01:08:15
Speaker 3: For Why is it not cool?
01:08:16
Speaker 1: Though? Society doesn't make it cool? You know what I mean?
01:08:20
Speaker 3: Like the society do not make it cool?
01:08:23
Speaker 1: Or do to do? Men not make it cool? Because we are men not a part of society. Yes, yes, because we're about to hear it. The whole different street a very important So we love you. But I feel like you don't. I feel like men aren't part of society.
01:08:42
Speaker 2: Do you?
01:08:43
Speaker 1: So? Men are?
01:08:44
Speaker 2: Men are a very important part of society. I wish nothing more than for men to as a whole fulfill their purpose in society, to be protectors, to be providers, to be safe spaces for everyone, women and children and also other men.
01:09:09
Speaker 1: Very much. So, I think it was good that we put that out there. Yeah, okay, I.
01:09:12
Speaker 2: Mean if people think I hate men, they're just fucking stupid. I spend most of my time around men, like I have wonderful relationships with men. I just hold men to the same standard that I hold women, which is very fucking high and often, and unfortunately, I would say, in today's day, more often than not, they are failing society. Men are failing society. That is what I feel they are.
01:09:38
Speaker 1: They are everyone's snaking right now, what everyone is s thinking though.
01:09:42
Speaker 3: Like everyone's thinking men and women. Women are, Yeah, but women are. Women do not have the power.
01:09:48
Speaker 2: They're not in power to make at the level that men are to make the legislation that is thinking up society.
01:09:53
Speaker 1: They are not. I won't even go down that street with you. What start talking about legislative and judicial.
01:10:03
Speaker 3: Politics control everything that we do. And like, look again, we all have enough time to get into all of.
01:10:09
Speaker 2: This, So let's just speak at in the abstracts for a moment, if you'll allow me. I believe in family. I do not want to have my own children, but I am a part of a very large family that I love very much. I believe in chosen family. My friends are kind of like my family to me. I have people in my life that are like sisters that are not blood related to me. I have, you know, my best friend's father. I don't have a father in my life, so he's sort of like my father. Like I'm a family person. I like to have that kind of energy around me, And I think that part of a really healing part of society would be safe places for the whole family, including men. But if we live in a patriarchal society, which we do, where men have largely designed the system, have made the rules, have made the laws, have most of the power and control in money, and have largely gotten away with a lot of atrocities, and still are I have to skew the scales to hold men responsible for that, and to hold men who, like you, are trying to heal these gaping, oozing wounds in our community to the standard of that as well.
01:11:34
Speaker 3: Of course, there are women who are fucking up.
01:11:36
Speaker 2: Of course, there are women are who are not living by the moral standards that they claim to be putting out into the world. Of course, there are women who could be better wives and better mothers, and better sisters and have more integrity, of course, of course, of course, But yeah, I mean I think it's I think it's really it's a hard time right now. And speaking from a woman's perspective, I just hold I want men to be as angry as women are about the state of the world for women and for children.
01:12:07
Speaker 1: And I don't know that you want men to be as angry. Yeah, I'm enraged about what.
01:12:15
Speaker 2: I'm enraged about the level of abuse that we have seen of children and women. I'm enraged at the the fact that it's not safe statistically for black women to go to the hospital and have children.
01:12:33
Speaker 1: I'm enraged at the the murders, the domestic violence numbers.
01:12:42
Speaker 2: I'm enraged at the continuate, the continuing acceptance of violence in our communities that is mostly perpetrated by young men. I'm enraged that that, while there is certainly a groundswell, the societal design for men, which we've talked about a lot, does not create a safe space for young men to grow up and be in touch with their emotions, to be safe to say I missed this girl, to be safe to say I don't want to chase girls.
01:13:10
Speaker 1: I want to I want to.
01:13:11
Speaker 2: Follow my dream of going to MI. I t like the world isn't safe for young men because of patriarchy. It's the whole system is designed to keep everybody down. But because men have that have been trained and brought up that violence is okay, that burying your feelings is okay, that some level of mistreating women is okay.
01:13:35
Speaker 3: It is it is permeated throughout everything that we do.
01:13:38
Speaker 1: Inside. I agree, and I'm pissed. That's the way. I'm pretty much everything I heard you say, I'm I'm pretty much upset about all those things also, which is why I do what I do, because I want to see the families in our community hold again. When I came up, we had a certain things that gave us hope, right like we had Cosby show at the fresh Principal there, we had the uh uh, it's the windslow, it's fainily matters, and so certain things that allowed us to see this is how it goes. There's there's, there's, there's nothing today, and we're in a very dangerous space because I think most of us don't even desire it. And that's what makes it so dangerous. We don't even desire healthy relationships. We don't desire.
01:14:30
Speaker 3: Well, I think for some people it's safer to.
01:14:35
Speaker 2: To not be in a relationship, and if you haven't done the work to find ways to pick healthy relationships, then it is actually safer to be alone.
01:14:43
Speaker 1: But the thing is people are people are staying there alone while being in relationships, and that's where it gets dangerous because people are saying people people think because they're not walking down the aisle and putting rings on it. And I didn't say I do that, you didn't do with your actions. You did, and now you're in it. But that's another story.
01:15:06
Speaker 2: I feel like we could do a couple more hours on a bunch of different things. I'm interested in the politics conversation. I hate it obviously. I feel like we would we would disagree on that.
01:15:21
Speaker 1: No, I wouldn't. We don't even have to go down that. No, I wouldn't disagree. My perspective is this okay, And in short, I've been I've been a black male my whole life. I'm forty one years old, I'll be forty two this year, and I haven't seen one president helped my walk. I haven't seen that one person that was in any office benefit me in any way. So I focus on what I can control. I don't even dive into the politic thing because I think it's all one big game that is being played by the elites. I just don't participate in it. In the conversation, rather, yeah I can't.
01:16:16
Speaker 3: We don't have enough time for that. I don't completely agree, but I appreciate.
01:16:20
Speaker 1: You don't agree that in black my whole life. No, no, no, you don't agree that. You don't agree that. You don't mean that nobody's helped me. Uh no, one's benefited.
01:16:30
Speaker 2: I don't.
01:16:31
Speaker 3: I don't disagree with that either.
01:16:32
Speaker 1: Are you telling me about my struggle?
01:16:33
Speaker 2: Joy? I'm absolutely not. Your journey in your walk is protective. This is the safe space. I am not because you already threw something. You already you already threw something I told you earlier, and then.
01:16:43
Speaker 3: We are Look, we don't use medical terms out of context. Okay, I was not gaslating you. I really appreciate you being open and honest and and kind of honest.
01:16:56
Speaker 1: Next time sharing your story. No, I really do. I do.
01:16:59
Speaker 2: I appreciate you come in and and you were very honest and very very vulnerable about a lot of things.
01:17:05
Speaker 3: And I genuinely like all jokes aside. I think that.
01:17:09
Speaker 2: Safety is very important. It's one of the most important things to me in any relationship. If I do not feel safe, I'm out. And and I think that women providing safe spaces for men is is important.
01:17:24
Speaker 3: I think I think that helps with growth, to allow people.
01:17:29
Speaker 2: To be themselves, to be vulnerable, to express themselves, and that's that's an important part of.
01:17:34
Speaker 3: Life and relationships.
01:17:36
Speaker 1: So to end it on a.
01:17:39
Speaker 2: Nice, clear note, I'd love to do this again, Yes, for sure, for sure, I really appreciate you coming down. Marcus Black, everyone, and make sure you follow him on social media. So I'm gonna have I've had to do this with with every yeah so far. So I'm going listen slowly all right at m v R c U S B l v c K. They don't be listening, so make sure you go and follow him. Tune into his podcast Two Sides of the Game, and his ebook Bulletproof Love is also available now. Thank you so much for coming down, having thanks for making the.
01:18:15
Speaker 1: Not Too Far Journey twenty minutes. Yeah, it's good.
01:18:17
Speaker 3: Everything in la twenty notes.
01:18:18
Speaker 1: Everything twenty minutes, Well, I mean it's easily an hour were traffic.
01:18:25
Speaker 3: That's such an l A joke, very good, Thanks so much for coming down.
01:18:30
Speaker 1: Thank you