इस एपिसोड के बारे में
A woman in my community messaged me a few weeks ago. She wasn't asking for herself. She wanted to know if I knew a coach for her husband.
I get that message more than you'd think.
You find your way to support, something starts to shift, and almost right away you look across the kitchen at the man you married and think... he needs this too. I know that feeling. I've told my own husband I'd love for him to have a coach. His answer? "Why would I get a coach? I have you."
Y'all. I am not his coach.
So I sat down with Dr. Michael Hersh, a full-time gastroenterologist who also coaches physicians, to put our two worlds side by side. When you hear what comes up in his coaching room next to what comes up in mine, you'll notice how much they have in common.
Michael's story starts about 15 years out of fellowship. He was burned out from training, he had two kids at home, and a malpractice case had sent him spinning and left him distrustful of the profession he'd always wanted. He was holding on to every dollar so he could find the exit faster. One night he listened in on a physician coaching call during his drive home, logged off early, and told his wife over a late dinner that he wasn't doing it.
She looked him straight in the eye and said, "You need to do this."
He agreed to one call, and the coach asked him one question: "If you don't do this, what changes?" Michael had never thought of himself as someone who could change. He believed leaving medicine would solve everything. In his words, "The one thing it doesn't solve is it doesn't solve me."
That one landed for me. How many of us are waiting on the next thing to fix it? The end of training. More money. A new job. More time.
Michael says most physicians come to him wanting to enjoy the life they've spent so long building. They give everything at work, and the family gets the leftovers. He uses a chocolate milk metaphor I keep thinking about. Training is the syrup stirred into your life in your 20s and 30s. You could try to pull it back out, but it's probably not worth the effort. The better question is how you pour it, and how much of it you're pouring out at work.
His first change after starting coaching sounds small. On procedure days that ran from 7:30 to 5:00, he blocked 30 minutes for lunch. He got plenty of pushback and took the lunch anyway. He was more pleasant to work with in the afternoons. Then some of his colleagues started taking a lunch break too.
Today Michael is busier than he's ever been, and happier, and he says none of it would have been possible without his wife. That's the part I want you to hear. Both people in this marriage are carrying something. Both of you deserve somewhere to set it down, and it's hard to be that place for him when you're running on empty yourself.
We also got into whether coaching is "soft" (Michael has the randomized controlled trials ready), how male and female physicians carry pressure differently, what "provider" really means to a family, and where to find hope when social media says medicine is doomed.
If you've been looking for help for him while living on leftovers yourself, this conversation is for you.
What You'll Learn (with Timestamps)
- [01:20 - 04:30] The malpractice case, the late dinner, and the question that changed Michael's life
- [05:15 - 07:30] Why the family gets the leftovers, and the chocolate milk metaphor for medical training
- [07:30 - 10:45] What happens when spouses go looking for a coach for their physician
- [16:15 - 19:20] The 30-minute lunch break that spread through Michael's practice
- [22:10 - 26:30] How male and female physicians carry pressure differently, and what "provider" really means
- [26:30 - 30:15] Holding on to hope when the future of medicine feels uncertain
Resources Mentioned
- Better Physician Life: Michael's website, with his coaching services and the research on physician coaching
- The Better Physician Life podcast, Michael's weekly show (betterphysicianlife.com)
Your Next Steps
- Take my free assessment: The Hidden Cost of Being the Strong One
- Book a complimentary consultation with me
- Connect on Instagram: @SupportingPhysicianSpouses and @Kendra_ItGetsBetterNow
- Listen on Apple Podcasts
- Listen on Spotify
