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Welcome to Rooted and Wild.
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Parenting has a way of making us feel like everyone else got a handbook yet.
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Maybe we missed it somehow.
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We're told it should come naturally that if we love our children enough, we'll instinctively know what to do.
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But the truth is, parenting is a developed skill.
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And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and refined.
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In this episode, I'm joined by Elizabeth Stitt, award-winning parent educator, longtime public school teacher, and founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching.
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With over 30 years of experience working with children of all ages and more than 50,000 hours spent supporting kids and parents, Elizabeth brings rare clarity to the very real challenges families face every day.
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As the author of Parenting as a Second Language, Elizabeth reframes parenting not as something you're supposed to just know, but as a language you can learn fluently over time.
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Elizabeth, welcome to Rooted and Wild.
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Thank you.
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Yeah.
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So I'm excited to, you know, as a father of four daughters myself, parenting is my daily life.
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And it is some what's something that I'm constantly learning.
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Every day I learn something new.
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You know, like, well, okay.
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I'm really excited that you you're speaking about this topic because I think for for anyone looking at living a life of wellness, looking at a life of vitality, man, we most people have kids on the planet are going to have them, or maybe their grandparent.
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You know, we're in seasons of life with kids, so this is a great topic.
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First off, I want to just kind of foundationally establish why parenting as a second language.
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Well, you you met my friend Valerie Alexander uh and maybe talked a little bit about her book, Happiness as a Second Language.
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And I really just loved that when she reached out to me because I already had in my mind the phrase parenting is the skill that can be taught, learned, and practiced.
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And so the idea that you would approach it as a second language, the two of us just meshed super easily on that idea.
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And um, I mean, I like her gimmick.
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I like the idea that when we learn the second language systematically, the language publishing books had a certain way of approaching it and breaking it down.
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And that was how we got, you know, what are the the verbs of parenting, the nouns of parenting, the adjectives of parenting.
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And that made it a super easy, it made it super easy to write the book, honestly.
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It was just like, okay, let's let's think of what are some of the key concepts that I keep coming up with over and over and over when I work with parents.
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And honestly, they're often the same ones that I worked with when I worked with students.
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And and and what are some of those components?
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You know, we should look at like parenting as a second language, and I, for one, I speak Spanish, right, as well.
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But it's my second language.
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Um, and I was taking French, and there's a lot of components that I had to learn with French, but there's some overlap.
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But what are some of the skill sets that are really important in developing it?
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A lot of the work that I do, in my mind, I split things into kind of two camps.
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One is the nuts and bolts logistics camp, and then the other is really connection and as as a as a big organizing principle.
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So the nuts and bolts and stuff I call the low-hanging fruit.
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That's sort of saying, where can we use systems and routines to help make things calmer, smoother, easier?
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And a lot of that comes out of 25 years of teaching.
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Because, you know, if you have middle school students in your room, which I did, most of my 25 years of teaching was with middle schoolers, you get a new set of kids, a whole new energy every 53 minutes.
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And so you have to have structure to really like catch you right there into the room in the moment that the kids walk through the room.
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That there's just not a lot of in 53 minutes, you don't have time to leave stuff to chance.
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And honestly, David, that's true in today's society too, because we are so busy, we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
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Our kids are so overprogrammed that the amount of parenting time that we have left on any given day is really limited.
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And so that means that we have to optimize it.
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So systems and routines help us help the kids know exactly what to do, and that helps them feel safe and secure.
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There's less predictability, there's more uncertainty, and it just helps us to know where we are and what we're doing in any one given moment.
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And when all of those kind of checklist things are taken care of, that frees us up for the connection.
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And connection is as close as we get to a silver bullet when it comes to parenting.
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And that's why we get you may have heard phrases like connect before you correct, connect before you direct.
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And that's super important.
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And so, you know, all the pieces and what are the pieces of connection?
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And I have a chapter on connection in the book, and then I have other chapters that I really are like the supplementary chapters for it.
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Uh empathy is one of the things we talk about.
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Support is one of the things we talk about.
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And those are all skills as well, even though they seem like bigger, broader, less concrete pictures.
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One of the things that the book series does, and this is again, this is Valerie Alexander's book design, is to make things super concrete by providing examples and exercises in every chapter.
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Um, it's it's one of the things that I liked about the way that she approached things because, you know, rather than it being broad philosophy, it's how do we take the broad philosophy and really spark ideas in parents of how to do things.
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Yeah.
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Well, what are some things, you know?
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I think nuts and bolts and connection, I agree with you.
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That that is like a lot of time when you have kids is spent in those nuts and bolts because you have to like life, right?
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Life happens, there's details.
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You have to get dinner on the table.
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Dinner on the table, food, cleaning, you know, homework, clean clothes, all the extracurriculars and driving to different, you know, functions and soccer and whatever else, you get the point.
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But the the connection piece, um, I think a lot of parents understand the nuts and bolts up to a point.
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And then I know we're gonna have an upcoming episode on structure, but like maybe let's talk briefly about structure because I found anyway in my own experience that generations like my grandparents were really good on the structure.
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Um, and maybe not as that generation when they were raising kids was not as good on the connection, but more on the structure.
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I'm generalizing.
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And then I see a lot of parents my age and younger who are a little bit more on the connection, but a little bit less on the structure.
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What's your views on this?
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Balance, balance, balance, right?
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I mean, we really need both.
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And that gets us back to the idea of authoritative parenting.
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Right?
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The research that has been done over and over and over since the 60s sort of posits parenting.
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I I think of it as a timeline, where at one end of the timeline is high warmth, low expectations.
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The other end of the timeline is high expectations, low warmth.
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In the middle is authoritative parenting, which is constantly trying to provide enough structure for safety and stability and enough warmth to keep the humanity front and present, and also really in neurological terms, to keep us feeling safe inside our bodies.
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And that is what the connection does.
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And it is, I think, really interesting to consider for a moment how the advances in neuroscience and also the technological advances, the way that you know we can hook little kids up to an ECG and to see their brain activity and their brain waves in real time as they interact with a parent, has been a pathway to having a greater understanding of why you need the connection piece and the warmth piece.
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I think that the word which didn't exist, my kids are now 20, 28, 29, and 31.
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And I think that the word that wasn't a part of the conversation when I was parenting little kids was empathy.
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Empathy is now one of the main words that we talk about.
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Uh and what it really is, is like when we're thinking about an interaction with a child, when we're thinking, especially if a child is dysregulated, if they are misbehaving.
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Yes, we want clarity, we want structure, we want clear limits.
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Um we want to uh have the child to know exactly what to expect.
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Probably uh a big mistake that a lot of parents make, though, is to get hung up on all of the on the limits on the what does it look like, on the quote unquote, is the child behaving.
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Where if they just start with empathy, if they just start with um, I had a parent who whose kid was um really having a hard time settled down to homework, and she's getting very frustrated because she knew that if homework doesn't happen, like that's step one, right?
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If the homework doesn't happen, then everything else in the evening routine gets off kilter.
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And that means bedtime is late, and that means the next morning is grumpy, and so it feels so high stakes to get the kid to sit down and do the homework.
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And you know, she's like, Elizabeth, we do it the same time, we have routine, we you know, I have the structure, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
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And we slowed down and kind of I like to with my parents, I like to do what I call Monday night quarterbacking.
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Like, let's let's review the let's review the film.
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If we if the camera were running, what would I have seen?
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And she reflected, like, well, I was definitely getting mad, I was definitely getting that tight tense voice.
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Um, I was probably looking at my watch, probably saying things like, yeah, we gotta come on, we gotta get going, we gotta get this done.
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I was like, right, and all that you were doing there was um an educational lease, we call it raising the effective filter.
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And it's like shields up, Scotty, right?
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If all of that energy is coming at the kid and they need to protect themselves, they put up their shields, and it can look different in different kids.
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It can look like um back talk or rudeness, it can look like antsy, I can't keep my body still, it can look like complete slumping on the table.
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Um, I am a sloth, I cannot move myself, I cannot get anything done.
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All of it is a sign to us though that the kid doesn't feel safe.
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So when we come in with empathy first, oh David, I know more homework.
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If I had a magic wand, I would say a spell and poof, yeah, homework would be gone.
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Yeah, right.
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So now I've had like even 10 seconds of interaction with my child where I have shown up with empathy and acknowledged this isn't fun.
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Nobody likes to do this.
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Like, well, there are some kids, but you know, two percent of kids want to go, yay, homework.
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I can't wait.
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98% it's either something they just do, they get it done, or it feels like this enormous hill that they have to climb.
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So empathy allows us to see the human first, put humanity in front of the agenda.
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And if you think about this, if you've had a bad day at work, you don't want somebody coming in, coming at you right away with, you know, okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, and don't forget to do that, and you didn't do this, and why isn't that done?
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And I can't find the ex.
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Right?
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You like like this little oasis, this little moment of hey Dave, how was your day?
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Oh, really?
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That tough?
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I'm sorry.
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You know, come here, let me give you a hug.
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So that that's that the empathy into connection, the hug becomes the connection.
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Uh, and the empathy is is the the first tool in lowering the effective filter, in you know, breaking down the wall that comes between us, which we don't mean to build between our kids and ourselves.
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But when we're running an agenda and we're we're only thinking about what needs to get done, that's wall building.
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It definitely is wall building and definitely uh yeah, puts things up between us, which is not helpful.
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Yeah.
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I love what that you mentioned empathy.
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And I was thinking about a um, there's a comedian I was watching who was talking about a time he was at the state fair, and uh this little kid had the his balloon, like he's like a five or six-year-old or five-year-old or something, and it's a red balloon, and his dad was holding his hand, and and then the balloon went up to the sky, and he got accidentally let go of it, and he started crying, my balloon, and he's crying and sobbing, and the dad's like, it's just a balloon and keeps on walking, right?
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And the comedian's like, Well, I'd like to see how you'd react if it was your wallet who that floated up in the sky, you know, like like for a child, that balloon was in that moment everything.
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And it was like viewing it, you know, uh, through that lens.
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One of the things that really impacted me and and still does to this day with my kids, my youngest is still eight, so um, is that I get to live vicariously through my children.
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I get to live my childhood again in a way.
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The things that I get to see the childhood wonder and and to see things through their worldview and and to have empathy as well for you know where they're at.
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You know, I didn't um get a lot of that growing up either.
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My parents were much more on the structure side of things, and again, you know, but like the relational component wasn't as important.
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It was more about, you know, show up and work and do your your stuff and keep your house clean, and you know, i there wasn't a lot of relational intentionality.
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So I love that you mentioned empathy.
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I love that.
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Let's let's because you were talking a little bit about like you know, sometimes people go too far with the empathy.
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And gentle parenting is this wonderful approach about slowing down and really seeing the child as a unique human being and meeting that unique human being where they are, rather than just having the child themselves be part of the to-do list.
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Gentle parenting at its best has that balance, that authoritative parenting.
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It is a kind of authoritative parenting, and sometimes people get confused.
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Like, how does the word authoritative that doesn't sound gentle?
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How do we match those two things?
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Well, it's they're not incompatible.
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Authoritative parenting says I'm going to still have expectations, I'm going to teach my children things, I'm gonna have rules and limits, and we are gonna go to grandma's on Thanksgiving.
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So it doesn't just mean like, oh I see you as a human being, and you're telling me you don't want to go to grandma's, so we won't go to grandma's.
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Yeah, no, right?
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Like that's just no parenting at all.
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That's that's completely abdicating your leadership.
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That's a little bit crazy making for kids because they want a leader, especially like zero to ten.
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Kids want a clear caption of the ship.
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What it might mean though is saying something like, Oh Dave, it feels hard to go to grandma's for Thanksgiving this year.
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Tell me about that.
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And then being quiet, letting the silence extend.
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And really giving the child space to say whatever it is, like oh, she picked, you know, she pinches my cheeks.
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Oh, I don't like the food that she serves.
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Oh, da-da-da-da-da-da.
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And you know, maybe come out, or it could be something completely could be like, I didn't realize it was Thanksgiving today, and I really want to just read my book.
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So we start with the act of listening, which is a very epithet stance of like, oh, you know that you didn't have school and you thought you were going to get to read your book all day.
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And you might even say something like, and I didn't tell you we were going to grandma's for Thanksgiving.
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And they might get mad, they might be like, Yeah, no, you didn't tell me.
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You should have told me.
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We don't have to own that or not own that.
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We just repeat it.
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We just go, like, you feel like it would have been really helpful if I had told you that we were going to grandma's.
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Right?
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Notice how I'm not making myself be wrong there.
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I'm also not addressing the child's attitude or tone.
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I'm staying in the place of empathy.
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Like that you had a plan, and now you don't get to execute on your plan.
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That's not fun.
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Nobody likes that.
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And I'm gonna sit with that, and I'm gonna allow my child to really feel seen and heard and understood.
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So that's the warmth, that's the connection, that's the empathy.
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And now I have to make a transition, and I'm gonna have to say, well, today we are going to grandma's for Thanksgiving.
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She is expecting us, so maybe we can brainstorm some things that are gonna make it easier for you.
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Uh and at the same time, we need to start getting you dressed.
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So let's get you dressed and brainstorm some ideas.
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So, where does gentle parenting fall down?
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It falls down when we have no time whatsoever to slow down.
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When we are so packed back to back that we are running our lives and our children's lives as go, go, go, go, go.
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Go, go, go.
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And that's on us as parents.
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Uh, that is not fair to our kids.
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And honestly, it's not healthy for them, and it's not healthy for us.
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I'm sure you've had other guests who've come on and talked about stress and talked about, you know, the ways the cost to our our physical well-being and our body, if we're like that.
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So I would love to urge parents who are listening today to weigh what is the cost of so many extracurricular activities that we never get downtime?
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That we get that we're working everything back to back.
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In today's economy, it's very hard to say to any parent, you know, do you really have to be two working parents?
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Could one parent stay home?
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Could one parent do it?
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Um, I don't know very many parents where dual incomes aren't required to kind of keep life moving and working.
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At the same time, I do think it's really valuable to sit down and have the conversations, the what if conversations.
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What if I worked part-time?
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What if I changed so that my shift was in the evenings and that gave me, that gave us more expansiveness in the mornings?
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What if you did breakfast, you know, you did dinner and bedtime and but because I was at work, but I did, you know, I really slowed mornings down.
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Like preschooler doesn't actually have to be at preschool until nine o'clock.
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We're dropping our kid off at around 7:45 in order to get to our jobs.
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That's 75 minutes that our kid maybe didn't doesn't need to be in childcare.
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And I'm not saying you're gonna have the flexibility, but I'm saying it's worth it to ask the questions.
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And another question is where can we protect our family time?
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You have an eight-year-old now, so she's probably past the stage where she gets invited to every student's birthday party.
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But you remember those days, right?
00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:27.440
Where every time you turned around, it was like you were taking one of your kids to a birthday party.
00:24:27.680 --> 00:24:32.160
And it wasn't like take them, leave them, and pick them up later, right?
00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:37.519
It's like this big social event where the parents get roped in disdain.
00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:47.759
Really slow down and ask yourself, how much of this does my child need?
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:50.319
How much of this do I need?
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:52.559
Because we don't have a lot of time with other parents.
00:24:52.720 --> 00:25:02.720
It can be good to socialize with other parents and to hang out and to kind of see a lot of kids um in action and how parents are interacting with them.
00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:08.319
That can be good fodder for you know considering who's the parent you want to meet.
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:20.559
But I I kind of like the rule of thumb of you know, if I have one child, no more than one birthday party a month.
00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:28.960
If I have two children, that means each kid is only getting to go to a birthday party every other month.
00:25:29.359 --> 00:25:36.559
If I have four children, um, you know, you may have to double up on that a little bit.
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.279
You may have to do some dividing and conquering.
00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:47.119
But it might just be a really great practice to say you get to go to, you know, your two best friends' birthday parties.
00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:53.839
And for everybody else, you could make a great card, you can you could make them a present.
00:25:54.640 --> 00:26:02.400
But we're not gonna do we're not gonna do four kids going to birthday parties every every week, every month.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:08.319
It cuts too much into our family time.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:16.640
Even when we get to the age where we drop kids off, there's still the driving and the awkward amount of time of waiting and the picking up.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:28.319
And so we can really build that connection piece by saying uh you know, Sunday afternoon, Sunday day.
00:26:31.519 --> 00:26:38.160
Religion used to provide us things that helped to support parenting, right?
00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:50.480
When there was a Sabbath and people honored a Sabbath, yes, a good chunk of the day may have been part of your religious activity and and services and reflections and things like that.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:27:02.160
But it also protected the day from sports games and tournaments and rehearsals and all this other kind of stuff.
00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:14.160
I know that um in my household uh we followed every church with um lunch, often at House of Pies.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:16.000
I loved House of Pies.
00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:33.519
Um and we used that lunchtime to, you know, the kids would stay for part of the service before they got kicked out to to um Sunday school to have a conversation, a family conversation about the service, about whatever the topic was.
00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:45.279
And so, you know, good, evil, good thoughtfulness, observation, kindness would come up as a conversation that we would then have.
00:27:48.079 --> 00:28:08.559
I'm pretty sure that if my parents hadn't had the structure of church, they wouldn't have created a meal time where we then had a softer, gentler, slower, more in-depth conversation about who we were as people and how we wanted to show up in the world.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:21.200
So if you don't have that structure, this is where structure serves us, I suggest to parents we cannot leave things to chance.
00:28:21.359 --> 00:28:23.279
We have to be more deliberate.
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:28.480
We have to uh build that in somewhere.
00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:43.680
So when we think about empathy, connection, let's sit down and slow down and say, where are we going to ensure that that happens?
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:47.680
This is a slight tangent, but it's along the same lines.
00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:49.200
Just pops into my head.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:51.359
So I want to get it out before I forget it.
00:28:51.920 --> 00:29:01.279
Another way that we really want to yes, like we'll go back to this idea of not putting the agenda before the person.
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:04.400
This came up for me a lot as a teacher, right?
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:12.799
Because as a teacher, you actually have a list that the state hands you of what are the scope and standard, what do you have to get through?
00:29:13.759 --> 00:29:27.119
But every time that I did that as a teacher, every time that I put more importance on checking off the standards, my kids weren't learning anyway.
00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:29.279
Because I had lost them.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:32.559
Because I no longer had that connection.
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:45.359
So if we want things to go more smoothly, we we need to start with that piece because it really becomes the grease that or yes, the grease.
00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:46.880
What's the expression?
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:51.839
It really becomes the it greases the wheel.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.880
It greases the wheel, yeah.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:54.880
Let's put it that way.
00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:55.440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:57.359
The squeaky wheel or something, I think.
00:29:57.599 --> 00:29:58.240
Yeah, yeah.
00:29:58.400 --> 00:30:00.559
Get get the wheels not not to squeak.
00:30:01.920 --> 00:30:06.319
Another chapter that I have in the book is about the idea of support.
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.799
And I think that this helps us think about connection too.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:22.559
And I start the chapter with the idea that your child is the star of their own life.
00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:27.519
You are not the star in your child's life.
00:30:28.880 --> 00:30:30.400
Your child is the star.
00:30:32.079 --> 00:30:34.480
You are the supporting actor.
00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:39.839
And what does it mean to be the supporting actor?
00:30:42.400 --> 00:30:46.400
You are there, you're in the picture, you're part of the story.
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:54.559
You're the motivator, the inspirer, the supporter, the comforter.
00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:11.680
But if we always hold this stance, that while we're busy raising our children, our child is busy having his own life, yeah, her own life.
00:31:12.799 --> 00:31:20.000
And I think that's a very respectful way to look at things and to try to keep in mind.
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:25.039
And I can understand that with four children, it's hard to keep in mind.
00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:38.559
The I remember walking into my friend Carol's house once, and you know, the shoes were lined up just so, and the the uh, you know, she had hooks and everything, she had bins.
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:41.279
I was like, oh my god, you're so organized.
00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:43.279
She only had one child at the time.
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:46.640
I'm like, yeah, I was one of five children.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:59.279
When you have five children, you you have systems for everything, because otherwise, there's no way to meet the needs of five children if you don't have the logistics going along smoothly.
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:10.000
So I can imagine that with five children or four children, you might have the thought or in mind, like, oh, I need to connect.
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:11.920
I need to connect with my littlest.
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:14.400
Like, ah, she seemed a little bit off.
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:24.000
But there just doesn't seem like there's any space in in your room to do that, like in your life, in the day, in the moment to do that.
00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:38.400
So, what does it mean to hold that vision and to keep front and center the individual lives of each children?
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:44.240
Like if each child was their own biopic, what would be being highlighted?
00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:46.559
What would be being their experiences?
00:32:48.640 --> 00:32:49.119
Yeah.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.839
One of the ways we can do it is just by asking.
00:32:52.319 --> 00:33:02.480
Like we can just kind of come to our children with that framework of like, you know, what happened in the Dave movie today?
00:33:03.279 --> 00:33:05.680
What was what was what was the key to you?
00:33:05.839 --> 00:33:12.160
What what when we make the when we write the story of your life, what about today is going to make it into the movie?
00:33:13.680 --> 00:33:14.000
Yeah.
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:16.480
And doing and doing some of that, yeah.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:23.920
You know, what comes to my mind when you use the word authoritative earlier, I like the root of the word is author.
00:33:24.319 --> 00:33:28.319
And you know, in a sense, both as the parent and the child.
00:33:28.480 --> 00:33:37.279
So it's the idea as the parent, your authority or your your authoritative guidance, you know, is really that you're the author.
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:45.039
You're writing, you brought them into the world, you're also writing a path for them, you're writing a story, a narrative that helps guide them, right?
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:49.599
Um, but at the same time, you're recognizing they have authorship too.
00:33:49.839 --> 00:33:54.720
It will not be to the degree that it will be, and depending on the age that they're in.
00:33:55.039 --> 00:33:59.359
So the guidance is going to have a more logical, loving limit depending on the season.
00:33:59.599 --> 00:34:10.159
But then as they grow up, they get a little bit more authority, they get a little bit more autonomy, they get a little bit more responsibility too, and they get to start writing some of the things.
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:23.199
And one of the things I've often enjoyed with certain people in my life, I had certain teachers as examples who were more top-down authoritative in the sense of be quiet and you know, and it was just rules-based.
00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:27.519
And I had others that were like super messy and they didn't have any order in the class whatsoever.
00:34:27.599 --> 00:34:32.159
But then there were the ones who had that balance of like you knew what to expect, which made you feel safe.
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:36.079
But then there was also this component of like, what do you think about that?
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:38.880
And there was connection and relationship and creativity.
00:34:39.039 --> 00:34:56.559
And so with my kids, I found that, you know, if you had that structure in place as a vessel, uh, then they can fill that vessel with a lot of cool um creativity and insight and connection and ideas, but they also still know that there's a vessel and a kind of structure.
00:34:56.880 --> 00:35:00.719
And so I write that as an authoritative parent.
00:35:00.800 --> 00:35:02.079
Then I would write the structure.
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:06.800
I'd say, This is the rules of we're gonna make we're gonna play with play-doh, but we're only gonna do it on the kitchen counter.
00:35:06.960 --> 00:35:09.519
We're not gonna do that on the couch, we're not gonna do it on the coffee table.
00:35:09.599 --> 00:35:13.519
Well, you can have fun as much as you want on the counter with play-doh.
00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:15.280
Yes, absolutely.
00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:21.679
So I just thought that was interesting, the word authoritative, because it gets it gets a bit of a bad rap sometimes, that word.
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:23.360
People go, ooh, I don't like that.
00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.840
But if you look at the root word, it's a lot softer.
00:35:26.880 --> 00:35:30.960
I've never thought of it as author, and I'm now gonna use that.
00:35:31.039 --> 00:35:31.920
That is brilliant.
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:33.039
I love it.
00:35:33.360 --> 00:35:41.519
Um now, Baumrind, who was the woman who started the research on parenting styles.
00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:46.400
She talks authoritative is in the middle.
00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:53.760
Authoritarian is um off on the high expectations, low warmth side.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:36:00.480
So, in terms of the root word, that's a little bit um uh we still come into this problem.
00:36:00.639 --> 00:36:12.239
It's like I wish she had chosen a different word, honestly, because even after all these years, I still have to go authoritative, authoritarian, authoritative, and come back to that uh in my mind.
00:36:12.719 --> 00:36:16.480
I think authoritarian is is very territorial in nature.
00:36:16.719 --> 00:36:22.719
And it's it's it's the boundaries um extend very far.
00:36:22.960 --> 00:36:28.960
If you look at that from the government standpoint, anytime you have an authoritarian government, it's borderline dictatorship, right?
00:36:29.039 --> 00:36:35.840
It's it's it tends to be um and they stretch the limits of what they have control of to such a far extent, right?
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:40.480
Authoritative is different, it's it's it's much softer.
00:36:40.719 --> 00:36:44.800
It it's the idea of a directive, it's the same kind of word.
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:51.119
It's something that's established and essentially known to be there as a form of protection.
00:36:51.280 --> 00:36:57.280
You know, it's directive in nature, authoritative in nature, um, as opposed to all binding and all consuming.
00:36:57.440 --> 00:36:58.639
You know, I love etymology.
00:36:58.719 --> 00:37:00.159
That's why I get into this nerdy stuff.
00:37:00.239 --> 00:37:01.280
But yeah, yeah, that's good.
00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:02.639
I like etymology too.
00:37:02.719 --> 00:37:03.039
Yeah.
00:37:03.760 --> 00:37:04.400
For sure.
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:05.280
Yeah.
00:37:05.599 --> 00:37:06.320
For sure.
00:37:06.559 --> 00:37:13.199
Um, and you know, while we're talking about parenting styles, let's let's pause here for a moment.
00:37:14.239 --> 00:37:37.360
We all get born into the world with our own personality, which means we all as individuals either have a slightly stronger need for clarity and structure, or a slightly stronger need for spontaneity, creativity, and go with the flow.
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:37.920
Yeah.
00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:43.039
And so it's a hundred percent natural that we bring that to our parenting.
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:56.239
And even if you're a really authoritative parent and you've are in that in that ballpark, and please understand that it's not one point on the timeline.
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:09.599
It's you know, it's it's it's more like a more like a target, but it has it, it has the outer edges are not are not so narrow that there's only one definition of success.
00:38:11.119 --> 00:38:26.000
If you want to know, are you at heart authoritarian or at heart permissive, that's the high warmth, low structure, all you have to do is to realize what you do, how you react when you're feeling super stressed.
00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:32.960
So when time is tight and you're feeling stressed, if you're the parent who says, nope, this is what it is, we are doing it.
00:38:33.199 --> 00:38:34.960
I said so, that's enough.
00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:38.480
At heart, you are an authoritarian parent.
00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:44.639
If you're like, all right, whatever, I don't care, fine, let's just watch another 20 minutes.
00:38:44.719 --> 00:38:46.079
I don't want to have the fight.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:49.119
You are at heart a permissive parent.
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:55.280
The at heart part has it doesn't matter, right?
00:38:55.599 --> 00:38:59.119
It's what we it's how we come towards middle.
00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:12.239
But it is important kind of to know what your core personality is, because when you're parenting with a partner, you need and you need to know what theirs is and they need to know what yours is.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:34.880
So that if things get tight and tense, when parents begin to feel like they are not in the authoritative bucket anymore, it's because in times of tension, the authoritarian parent is showing up uncompromising and like timeline and strict, and let's go and let's do it.
00:39:36.639 --> 00:39:49.679
And that's threatening to the permissive parent because when they're stressed, their core is like, whoosh, no structure, can't handle it, don't, don't, you know, like let's just like let's just say this stuff doesn't matter and it's not important.
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:52.880
Who cares about queen teeth?
00:39:53.039 --> 00:39:53.679
Yeah.
00:39:55.119 --> 00:39:56.079
Yeah, absolutely.
00:39:56.400 --> 00:39:57.440
And vice versa.
00:39:58.400 --> 00:39:58.800
Yeah.
00:39:58.960 --> 00:40:00.960
And and that can be super stressful.
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:02.480
Absolutely.
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:09.039
Well, I feel like we could dive in much, much deeper, and we will in some upcoming episodes with Elizabeth.
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:13.599
Uh, you can learn all about Elizabeth at elisabethstitt.com.
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:15.840
And I include the link in the description box.
00:40:16.079 --> 00:40:18.639
Her business is called Joyful Parenting Coaching.
00:40:18.719 --> 00:40:24.480
And if you're looking for uh coaching in the realm of parenting, I think you're in good hands with Elizabeth.
00:40:24.559 --> 00:40:29.199
So we include all of her information and social media links in the description as well.
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:32.239
Elizabeth, thank you so much for joining us here at Virgin Wild.
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:33.760
My pleasure.
00:40:34.079 --> 00:40:37.280
Absolutely, and for all those who are with us, until next time.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:02.560
Welcome to Rooted and Wild.
00:00:25.280 --> 00:00:29.839
Parenting has a way of making us feel like everyone else got a handbook yet.
00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:31.519
Maybe we missed it somehow.
00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:35.920
We're told it should come naturally that if we love our children enough, we'll instinctively know what to do.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:38.560
But the truth is, parenting is a developed skill.
00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:42.000
And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and refined.
00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:51.920
In this episode, I'm joined by Elizabeth Stitt, award-winning parent educator, longtime public school teacher, and founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching.
00:00:52.159 --> 00:01:06.079
With over 30 years of experience working with children of all ages and more than 50,000 hours spent supporting kids and parents, Elizabeth brings rare clarity to the very real challenges families face every day.
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:16.239
As the author of Parenting as a Second Language, Elizabeth reframes parenting not as something you're supposed to just know, but as a language you can learn fluently over time.
00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:19.439
Elizabeth, welcome to Rooted and Wild.
00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:21.439
Thank you.
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:22.319
Yeah.
00:01:22.560 --> 00:01:28.640
So I'm excited to, you know, as a father of four daughters myself, parenting is my daily life.
00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:32.560
And it is some what's something that I'm constantly learning.
00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:33.840
Every day I learn something new.
00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:35.599
You know, like, well, okay.
00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:52.319
I'm really excited that you you're speaking about this topic because I think for for anyone looking at living a life of wellness, looking at a life of vitality, man, we most people have kids on the planet are going to have them, or maybe their grandparent.
00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:56.000
You know, we're in seasons of life with kids, so this is a great topic.
00:01:56.319 --> 00:02:01.519
First off, I want to just kind of foundationally establish why parenting as a second language.
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:12.719
Well, you you met my friend Valerie Alexander uh and maybe talked a little bit about her book, Happiness as a Second Language.
00:02:13.120 --> 00:02:28.080
And I really just loved that when she reached out to me because I already had in my mind the phrase parenting is the skill that can be taught, learned, and practiced.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:37.919
And so the idea that you would approach it as a second language, the two of us just meshed super easily on that idea.
00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:40.400
And um, I mean, I like her gimmick.
00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:53.759
I like the idea that when we learn the second language systematically, the language publishing books had a certain way of approaching it and breaking it down.
00:02:54.000 --> 00:03:01.759
And that was how we got, you know, what are the the verbs of parenting, the nouns of parenting, the adjectives of parenting.
00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:06.479
And that made it a super easy, it made it super easy to write the book, honestly.
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:15.439
It was just like, okay, let's let's think of what are some of the key concepts that I keep coming up with over and over and over when I work with parents.
00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:19.520
And honestly, they're often the same ones that I worked with when I worked with students.
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:21.919
And and and what are some of those components?
00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:26.560
You know, we should look at like parenting as a second language, and I, for one, I speak Spanish, right, as well.
00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:28.319
But it's my second language.
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:33.120
Um, and I was taking French, and there's a lot of components that I had to learn with French, but there's some overlap.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:37.439
But what are some of the skill sets that are really important in developing it?
00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:42.560
A lot of the work that I do, in my mind, I split things into kind of two camps.
00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:53.280
One is the nuts and bolts logistics camp, and then the other is really connection and as as a as a big organizing principle.
00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:56.560
So the nuts and bolts and stuff I call the low-hanging fruit.
00:03:56.719 --> 00:04:04.560
That's sort of saying, where can we use systems and routines to help make things calmer, smoother, easier?
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:08.719
And a lot of that comes out of 25 years of teaching.
00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:23.120
Because, you know, if you have middle school students in your room, which I did, most of my 25 years of teaching was with middle schoolers, you get a new set of kids, a whole new energy every 53 minutes.
00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:36.959
And so you have to have structure to really like catch you right there into the room in the moment that the kids walk through the room.
00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:43.680
That there's just not a lot of in 53 minutes, you don't have time to leave stuff to chance.
00:04:44.480 --> 00:04:54.879
And honestly, David, that's true in today's society too, because we are so busy, we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:05:06.800
Our kids are so overprogrammed that the amount of parenting time that we have left on any given day is really limited.
00:05:06.959 --> 00:05:09.600
And so that means that we have to optimize it.
00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:19.279
So systems and routines help us help the kids know exactly what to do, and that helps them feel safe and secure.
00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:34.160
There's less predictability, there's more uncertainty, and it just helps us to know where we are and what we're doing in any one given moment.
00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:42.399
And when all of those kind of checklist things are taken care of, that frees us up for the connection.
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:51.600
And connection is as close as we get to a silver bullet when it comes to parenting.
00:05:52.480 --> 00:06:00.879
And that's why we get you may have heard phrases like connect before you correct, connect before you direct.
00:06:01.759 --> 00:06:03.519
And that's super important.
00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:07.199
And so, you know, all the pieces and what are the pieces of connection?
00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:17.040
And I have a chapter on connection in the book, and then I have other chapters that I really are like the supplementary chapters for it.
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:20.879
Uh empathy is one of the things we talk about.
00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.199
Support is one of the things we talk about.
00:06:25.759 --> 00:06:32.800
And those are all skills as well, even though they seem like bigger, broader, less concrete pictures.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:48.000
One of the things that the book series does, and this is again, this is Valerie Alexander's book design, is to make things super concrete by providing examples and exercises in every chapter.
00:06:49.439 --> 00:07:08.240
Um, it's it's one of the things that I liked about the way that she approached things because, you know, rather than it being broad philosophy, it's how do we take the broad philosophy and really spark ideas in parents of how to do things.
00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:09.279
Yeah.
00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:11.360
Well, what are some things, you know?
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:15.759
I think nuts and bolts and connection, I agree with you.
00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:24.480
That that is like a lot of time when you have kids is spent in those nuts and bolts because you have to like life, right?
00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:25.839
Life happens, there's details.
00:07:26.240 --> 00:07:27.279
You have to get dinner on the table.
00:07:27.519 --> 00:07:39.040
Dinner on the table, food, cleaning, you know, homework, clean clothes, all the extracurriculars and driving to different, you know, functions and soccer and whatever else, you get the point.
00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:47.120
But the the connection piece, um, I think a lot of parents understand the nuts and bolts up to a point.
00:07:47.199 --> 00:08:02.480
And then I know we're gonna have an upcoming episode on structure, but like maybe let's talk briefly about structure because I found anyway in my own experience that generations like my grandparents were really good on the structure.
00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:10.399
Um, and maybe not as that generation when they were raising kids was not as good on the connection, but more on the structure.
00:08:10.560 --> 00:08:11.759
I'm generalizing.
00:08:12.000 --> 00:08:18.959
And then I see a lot of parents my age and younger who are a little bit more on the connection, but a little bit less on the structure.
00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.040
What's your views on this?
00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:25.120
Balance, balance, balance, right?
00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:26.879
I mean, we really need both.
00:08:27.120 --> 00:08:33.519
And that gets us back to the idea of authoritative parenting.
00:08:34.240 --> 00:08:34.559
Right?
00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:41.440
The research that has been done over and over and over since the 60s sort of posits parenting.
00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:50.480
I I think of it as a timeline, where at one end of the timeline is high warmth, low expectations.
00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:55.440
The other end of the timeline is high expectations, low warmth.
00:08:58.320 --> 00:09:25.519
In the middle is authoritative parenting, which is constantly trying to provide enough structure for safety and stability and enough warmth to keep the humanity front and present, and also really in neurological terms, to keep us feeling safe inside our bodies.
00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:28.639
And that is what the connection does.
00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:59.759
And it is, I think, really interesting to consider for a moment how the advances in neuroscience and also the technological advances, the way that you know we can hook little kids up to an ECG and to see their brain activity and their brain waves in real time as they interact with a parent, has been a pathway to having a greater understanding of why you need the connection piece and the warmth piece.
00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:08.639
I think that the word which didn't exist, my kids are now 20, 28, 29, and 31.
00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:16.399
And I think that the word that wasn't a part of the conversation when I was parenting little kids was empathy.
00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:22.080
Empathy is now one of the main words that we talk about.
00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:32.159
Uh and what it really is, is like when we're thinking about an interaction with a child, when we're thinking, especially if a child is dysregulated, if they are misbehaving.
00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:37.200
Yes, we want clarity, we want structure, we want clear limits.
00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:42.960
Um we want to uh have the child to know exactly what to expect.
00:10:43.759 --> 00:11:01.279
Probably uh a big mistake that a lot of parents make, though, is to get hung up on all of the on the limits on the what does it look like, on the quote unquote, is the child behaving.
00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:21.759
Where if they just start with empathy, if they just start with um, I had a parent who whose kid was um really having a hard time settled down to homework, and she's getting very frustrated because she knew that if homework doesn't happen, like that's step one, right?
00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:28.960
If the homework doesn't happen, then everything else in the evening routine gets off kilter.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:41.679
And that means bedtime is late, and that means the next morning is grumpy, and so it feels so high stakes to get the kid to sit down and do the homework.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:52.799
And you know, she's like, Elizabeth, we do it the same time, we have routine, we you know, I have the structure, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
00:11:53.120 --> 00:12:02.159
And we slowed down and kind of I like to with my parents, I like to do what I call Monday night quarterbacking.
00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:05.519
Like, let's let's review the let's review the film.
00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:09.120
If we if the camera were running, what would I have seen?
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:18.240
And she reflected, like, well, I was definitely getting mad, I was definitely getting that tight tense voice.
00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:28.000
Um, I was probably looking at my watch, probably saying things like, yeah, we gotta come on, we gotta get going, we gotta get this done.
00:12:29.360 --> 00:12:38.399
I was like, right, and all that you were doing there was um an educational lease, we call it raising the effective filter.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:42.559
And it's like shields up, Scotty, right?
00:12:43.039 --> 00:12:52.799
If all of that energy is coming at the kid and they need to protect themselves, they put up their shields, and it can look different in different kids.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:13:03.679
It can look like um back talk or rudeness, it can look like antsy, I can't keep my body still, it can look like complete slumping on the table.
00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:10.559
Um, I am a sloth, I cannot move myself, I cannot get anything done.
00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:16.080
All of it is a sign to us though that the kid doesn't feel safe.
00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:28.399
So when we come in with empathy first, oh David, I know more homework.
00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:37.679
If I had a magic wand, I would say a spell and poof, yeah, homework would be gone.
00:13:37.919 --> 00:13:38.559
Yeah, right.
00:13:38.720 --> 00:13:51.279
So now I've had like even 10 seconds of interaction with my child where I have shown up with empathy and acknowledged this isn't fun.
00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:53.840
Nobody likes to do this.
00:13:54.720 --> 00:14:01.679
Like, well, there are some kids, but you know, two percent of kids want to go, yay, homework.
00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:03.600
I can't wait.
00:14:03.919 --> 00:14:15.759
98% it's either something they just do, they get it done, or it feels like this enormous hill that they have to climb.
00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:29.120
So empathy allows us to see the human first, put humanity in front of the agenda.
00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:49.200
And if you think about this, if you've had a bad day at work, you don't want somebody coming in, coming at you right away with, you know, okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this, and don't forget to do that, and you didn't do this, and why isn't that done?
00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:50.720
And I can't find the ex.
00:14:51.679 --> 00:14:52.080
Right?
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:58.399
You like like this little oasis, this little moment of hey Dave, how was your day?
00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:00.879
Oh, really?
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:02.080
That tough?
00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:03.279
I'm sorry.
00:15:04.399 --> 00:15:06.879
You know, come here, let me give you a hug.
00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:13.120
So that that's that the empathy into connection, the hug becomes the connection.
00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:31.279
Uh, and the empathy is is the the first tool in lowering the effective filter, in you know, breaking down the wall that comes between us, which we don't mean to build between our kids and ourselves.
00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:40.639
But when we're running an agenda and we're we're only thinking about what needs to get done, that's wall building.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:49.200
It definitely is wall building and definitely uh yeah, puts things up between us, which is not helpful.
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:50.559
Yeah.
00:15:51.200 --> 00:15:53.360
I love what that you mentioned empathy.
00:15:53.519 --> 00:16:20.960
And I was thinking about a um, there's a comedian I was watching who was talking about a time he was at the state fair, and uh this little kid had the his balloon, like he's like a five or six-year-old or five-year-old or something, and it's a red balloon, and his dad was holding his hand, and and then the balloon went up to the sky, and he got accidentally let go of it, and he started crying, my balloon, and he's crying and sobbing, and the dad's like, it's just a balloon and keeps on walking, right?
00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:33.519
And the comedian's like, Well, I'd like to see how you'd react if it was your wallet who that floated up in the sky, you know, like like for a child, that balloon was in that moment everything.
00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:36.960
And it was like viewing it, you know, uh, through that lens.
00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:46.960
One of the things that really impacted me and and still does to this day with my kids, my youngest is still eight, so um, is that I get to live vicariously through my children.
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:49.600
I get to live my childhood again in a way.
00:16:49.840 --> 00:17:00.559
The things that I get to see the childhood wonder and and to see things through their worldview and and to have empathy as well for you know where they're at.
00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:05.519
You know, I didn't um get a lot of that growing up either.
00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:13.680
My parents were much more on the structure side of things, and again, you know, but like the relational component wasn't as important.
00:17:13.920 --> 00:17:23.519
It was more about, you know, show up and work and do your your stuff and keep your house clean, and you know, i there wasn't a lot of relational intentionality.
00:17:23.680 --> 00:17:25.440
So I love that you mentioned empathy.
00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:26.319
I love that.
00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:33.039
Let's let's because you were talking a little bit about like you know, sometimes people go too far with the empathy.
00:17:34.000 --> 00:18:00.559
And gentle parenting is this wonderful approach about slowing down and really seeing the child as a unique human being and meeting that unique human being where they are, rather than just having the child themselves be part of the to-do list.
00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:06.480
Gentle parenting at its best has that balance, that authoritative parenting.
00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:11.519
It is a kind of authoritative parenting, and sometimes people get confused.
00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:17.119
Like, how does the word authoritative that doesn't sound gentle?
00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:20.559
How do we match those two things?
00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:24.880
Well, it's they're not incompatible.
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:38.319
Authoritative parenting says I'm going to still have expectations, I'm going to teach my children things, I'm gonna have rules and limits, and we are gonna go to grandma's on Thanksgiving.
00:18:38.960 --> 00:18:49.039
So it doesn't just mean like, oh I see you as a human being, and you're telling me you don't want to go to grandma's, so we won't go to grandma's.
00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:50.720
Yeah, no, right?
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:53.200
Like that's just no parenting at all.
00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:56.799
That's that's completely abdicating your leadership.
00:18:56.960 --> 00:19:02.400
That's a little bit crazy making for kids because they want a leader, especially like zero to ten.
00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:05.759
Kids want a clear caption of the ship.
00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:15.920
What it might mean though is saying something like, Oh Dave, it feels hard to go to grandma's for Thanksgiving this year.
00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:18.480
Tell me about that.
00:19:20.559 --> 00:19:26.880
And then being quiet, letting the silence extend.
00:19:28.720 --> 00:19:35.599
And really giving the child space to say whatever it is, like oh, she picked, you know, she pinches my cheeks.
00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:37.920
Oh, I don't like the food that she serves.
00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:39.920
Oh, da-da-da-da-da-da.
00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:49.440
And you know, maybe come out, or it could be something completely could be like, I didn't realize it was Thanksgiving today, and I really want to just read my book.
00:19:51.599 --> 00:20:04.720
So we start with the act of listening, which is a very epithet stance of like, oh, you know that you didn't have school and you thought you were going to get to read your book all day.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:13.200
And you might even say something like, and I didn't tell you we were going to grandma's for Thanksgiving.
00:20:13.359 --> 00:20:16.400
And they might get mad, they might be like, Yeah, no, you didn't tell me.
00:20:16.559 --> 00:20:18.319
You should have told me.
00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:21.359
We don't have to own that or not own that.
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:22.640
We just repeat it.
00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:29.279
We just go, like, you feel like it would have been really helpful if I had told you that we were going to grandma's.
00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:30.400
Right?
00:20:30.559 --> 00:20:33.279
Notice how I'm not making myself be wrong there.
00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:38.319
I'm also not addressing the child's attitude or tone.
00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:42.000
I'm staying in the place of empathy.
00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:46.799
Like that you had a plan, and now you don't get to execute on your plan.
00:20:47.279 --> 00:20:48.480
That's not fun.
00:20:48.799 --> 00:20:50.240
Nobody likes that.
00:20:51.920 --> 00:21:01.119
And I'm gonna sit with that, and I'm gonna allow my child to really feel seen and heard and understood.
00:21:02.319 --> 00:21:08.960
So that's the warmth, that's the connection, that's the empathy.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:20.079
And now I have to make a transition, and I'm gonna have to say, well, today we are going to grandma's for Thanksgiving.
00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:28.240
She is expecting us, so maybe we can brainstorm some things that are gonna make it easier for you.
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:33.200
Uh and at the same time, we need to start getting you dressed.
00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:38.480
So let's get you dressed and brainstorm some ideas.
00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:44.240
So, where does gentle parenting fall down?
00:21:44.720 --> 00:21:50.559
It falls down when we have no time whatsoever to slow down.
00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:59.759
When we are so packed back to back that we are running our lives and our children's lives as go, go, go, go, go.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.039
Go, go, go.
00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:05.519
And that's on us as parents.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:09.039
Uh, that is not fair to our kids.
00:22:09.200 --> 00:22:12.559
And honestly, it's not healthy for them, and it's not healthy for us.
00:22:13.279 --> 00:22:27.279
I'm sure you've had other guests who've come on and talked about stress and talked about, you know, the ways the cost to our our physical well-being and our body, if we're like that.
00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:43.039
So I would love to urge parents who are listening today to weigh what is the cost of so many extracurricular activities that we never get downtime?
00:22:43.440 --> 00:22:47.680
That we get that we're working everything back to back.
00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:58.880
In today's economy, it's very hard to say to any parent, you know, do you really have to be two working parents?
00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:00.240
Could one parent stay home?
00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:01.680
Could one parent do it?
00:23:01.920 --> 00:23:09.599
Um, I don't know very many parents where dual incomes aren't required to kind of keep life moving and working.
00:23:10.559 --> 00:23:18.960
At the same time, I do think it's really valuable to sit down and have the conversations, the what if conversations.
00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:20.880
What if I worked part-time?
00:23:21.039 --> 00:23:28.720
What if I changed so that my shift was in the evenings and that gave me, that gave us more expansiveness in the mornings?
00:23:29.039 --> 00:23:38.400
What if you did breakfast, you know, you did dinner and bedtime and but because I was at work, but I did, you know, I really slowed mornings down.
00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:41.920
Like preschooler doesn't actually have to be at preschool until nine o'clock.
00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:46.640
We're dropping our kid off at around 7:45 in order to get to our jobs.
00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:52.799
That's 75 minutes that our kid maybe didn't doesn't need to be in childcare.
00:23:53.519 --> 00:24:01.839
And I'm not saying you're gonna have the flexibility, but I'm saying it's worth it to ask the questions.
00:24:03.599 --> 00:24:09.599
And another question is where can we protect our family time?
00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:20.000
You have an eight-year-old now, so she's probably past the stage where she gets invited to every student's birthday party.
00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:22.400
But you remember those days, right?
00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:27.440
Where every time you turned around, it was like you were taking one of your kids to a birthday party.
00:24:27.680 --> 00:24:32.160
And it wasn't like take them, leave them, and pick them up later, right?
00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:37.519
It's like this big social event where the parents get roped in disdain.
00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:47.759
Really slow down and ask yourself, how much of this does my child need?
00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:50.319
How much of this do I need?
00:24:50.559 --> 00:24:52.559
Because we don't have a lot of time with other parents.
00:24:52.720 --> 00:25:02.720
It can be good to socialize with other parents and to hang out and to kind of see a lot of kids um in action and how parents are interacting with them.
00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:08.319
That can be good fodder for you know considering who's the parent you want to meet.
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:20.559
But I I kind of like the rule of thumb of you know, if I have one child, no more than one birthday party a month.
00:25:21.839 --> 00:25:28.960
If I have two children, that means each kid is only getting to go to a birthday party every other month.
00:25:29.359 --> 00:25:36.559
If I have four children, um, you know, you may have to double up on that a little bit.
00:25:36.799 --> 00:25:39.279
You may have to do some dividing and conquering.
00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:47.119
But it might just be a really great practice to say you get to go to, you know, your two best friends' birthday parties.
00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:53.839
And for everybody else, you could make a great card, you can you could make them a present.
00:25:54.640 --> 00:26:02.400
But we're not gonna do we're not gonna do four kids going to birthday parties every every week, every month.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:08.319
It cuts too much into our family time.
00:26:08.799 --> 00:26:16.640
Even when we get to the age where we drop kids off, there's still the driving and the awkward amount of time of waiting and the picking up.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:28.319
And so we can really build that connection piece by saying uh you know, Sunday afternoon, Sunday day.
00:26:31.519 --> 00:26:38.160
Religion used to provide us things that helped to support parenting, right?
00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:50.480
When there was a Sabbath and people honored a Sabbath, yes, a good chunk of the day may have been part of your religious activity and and services and reflections and things like that.
00:26:50.960 --> 00:27:02.160
But it also protected the day from sports games and tournaments and rehearsals and all this other kind of stuff.
00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:14.160
I know that um in my household uh we followed every church with um lunch, often at House of Pies.
00:27:14.319 --> 00:27:16.000
I loved House of Pies.
00:27:16.720 --> 00:27:33.519
Um and we used that lunchtime to, you know, the kids would stay for part of the service before they got kicked out to to um Sunday school to have a conversation, a family conversation about the service, about whatever the topic was.
00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:45.279
And so, you know, good, evil, good thoughtfulness, observation, kindness would come up as a conversation that we would then have.
00:27:48.079 --> 00:28:08.559
I'm pretty sure that if my parents hadn't had the structure of church, they wouldn't have created a meal time where we then had a softer, gentler, slower, more in-depth conversation about who we were as people and how we wanted to show up in the world.
00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:21.200
So if you don't have that structure, this is where structure serves us, I suggest to parents we cannot leave things to chance.
00:28:21.359 --> 00:28:23.279
We have to be more deliberate.
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:28.480
We have to uh build that in somewhere.
00:28:30.880 --> 00:28:43.680
So when we think about empathy, connection, let's sit down and slow down and say, where are we going to ensure that that happens?
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:47.680
This is a slight tangent, but it's along the same lines.
00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:49.200
Just pops into my head.
00:28:49.279 --> 00:28:51.359
So I want to get it out before I forget it.
00:28:51.920 --> 00:29:01.279
Another way that we really want to yes, like we'll go back to this idea of not putting the agenda before the person.
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:04.400
This came up for me a lot as a teacher, right?
00:29:04.480 --> 00:29:12.799
Because as a teacher, you actually have a list that the state hands you of what are the scope and standard, what do you have to get through?
00:29:13.759 --> 00:29:27.119
But every time that I did that as a teacher, every time that I put more importance on checking off the standards, my kids weren't learning anyway.
00:29:27.680 --> 00:29:29.279
Because I had lost them.
00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:32.559
Because I no longer had that connection.
00:29:33.519 --> 00:29:45.359
So if we want things to go more smoothly, we we need to start with that piece because it really becomes the grease that or yes, the grease.
00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:46.880
What's the expression?
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:51.839
It really becomes the it greases the wheel.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:52.880
It greases the wheel, yeah.
00:29:54.319 --> 00:29:54.880
Let's put it that way.
00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:55.440
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:29:56.079 --> 00:29:57.359
The squeaky wheel or something, I think.
00:29:57.599 --> 00:29:58.240
Yeah, yeah.
00:29:58.400 --> 00:30:00.559
Get get the wheels not not to squeak.
00:30:01.920 --> 00:30:06.319
Another chapter that I have in the book is about the idea of support.
00:30:06.640 --> 00:30:10.799
And I think that this helps us think about connection too.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:22.559
And I start the chapter with the idea that your child is the star of their own life.
00:30:24.720 --> 00:30:27.519
You are not the star in your child's life.
00:30:28.880 --> 00:30:30.400
Your child is the star.
00:30:32.079 --> 00:30:34.480
You are the supporting actor.
00:30:36.400 --> 00:30:39.839
And what does it mean to be the supporting actor?
00:30:42.400 --> 00:30:46.400
You are there, you're in the picture, you're part of the story.
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:54.559
You're the motivator, the inspirer, the supporter, the comforter.
00:30:58.640 --> 00:31:11.680
But if we always hold this stance, that while we're busy raising our children, our child is busy having his own life, yeah, her own life.
00:31:12.799 --> 00:31:20.000
And I think that's a very respectful way to look at things and to try to keep in mind.
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:25.039
And I can understand that with four children, it's hard to keep in mind.
00:31:25.440 --> 00:31:38.559
The I remember walking into my friend Carol's house once, and you know, the shoes were lined up just so, and the the uh, you know, she had hooks and everything, she had bins.
00:31:38.720 --> 00:31:41.279
I was like, oh my god, you're so organized.
00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:43.279
She only had one child at the time.
00:31:43.920 --> 00:31:46.640
I'm like, yeah, I was one of five children.
00:31:46.880 --> 00:31:59.279
When you have five children, you you have systems for everything, because otherwise, there's no way to meet the needs of five children if you don't have the logistics going along smoothly.
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:10.000
So I can imagine that with five children or four children, you might have the thought or in mind, like, oh, I need to connect.
00:32:10.079 --> 00:32:11.920
I need to connect with my littlest.
00:32:12.240 --> 00:32:14.400
Like, ah, she seemed a little bit off.
00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:24.000
But there just doesn't seem like there's any space in in your room to do that, like in your life, in the day, in the moment to do that.
00:32:26.079 --> 00:32:38.400
So, what does it mean to hold that vision and to keep front and center the individual lives of each children?
00:32:38.559 --> 00:32:44.240
Like if each child was their own biopic, what would be being highlighted?
00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:46.559
What would be being their experiences?
00:32:48.640 --> 00:32:49.119
Yeah.
00:32:49.359 --> 00:32:51.839
One of the ways we can do it is just by asking.
00:32:52.319 --> 00:33:02.480
Like we can just kind of come to our children with that framework of like, you know, what happened in the Dave movie today?
00:33:03.279 --> 00:33:05.680
What was what was what was the key to you?
00:33:05.839 --> 00:33:12.160
What what when we make the when we write the story of your life, what about today is going to make it into the movie?
00:33:13.680 --> 00:33:14.000
Yeah.
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:16.480
And doing and doing some of that, yeah.
00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:23.920
You know, what comes to my mind when you use the word authoritative earlier, I like the root of the word is author.
00:33:24.319 --> 00:33:28.319
And you know, in a sense, both as the parent and the child.
00:33:28.480 --> 00:33:37.279
So it's the idea as the parent, your authority or your your authoritative guidance, you know, is really that you're the author.
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:45.039
You're writing, you brought them into the world, you're also writing a path for them, you're writing a story, a narrative that helps guide them, right?
00:33:45.279 --> 00:33:49.599
Um, but at the same time, you're recognizing they have authorship too.
00:33:49.839 --> 00:33:54.720
It will not be to the degree that it will be, and depending on the age that they're in.
00:33:55.039 --> 00:33:59.359
So the guidance is going to have a more logical, loving limit depending on the season.
00:33:59.599 --> 00:34:10.159
But then as they grow up, they get a little bit more authority, they get a little bit more autonomy, they get a little bit more responsibility too, and they get to start writing some of the things.
00:34:10.239 --> 00:34:23.199
And one of the things I've often enjoyed with certain people in my life, I had certain teachers as examples who were more top-down authoritative in the sense of be quiet and you know, and it was just rules-based.
00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:27.519
And I had others that were like super messy and they didn't have any order in the class whatsoever.
00:34:27.599 --> 00:34:32.159
But then there were the ones who had that balance of like you knew what to expect, which made you feel safe.
00:34:32.800 --> 00:34:36.079
But then there was also this component of like, what do you think about that?
00:34:36.159 --> 00:34:38.880
And there was connection and relationship and creativity.
00:34:39.039 --> 00:34:56.559
And so with my kids, I found that, you know, if you had that structure in place as a vessel, uh, then they can fill that vessel with a lot of cool um creativity and insight and connection and ideas, but they also still know that there's a vessel and a kind of structure.
00:34:56.880 --> 00:35:00.719
And so I write that as an authoritative parent.
00:35:00.800 --> 00:35:02.079
Then I would write the structure.
00:35:02.159 --> 00:35:06.800
I'd say, This is the rules of we're gonna make we're gonna play with play-doh, but we're only gonna do it on the kitchen counter.
00:35:06.960 --> 00:35:09.519
We're not gonna do that on the couch, we're not gonna do it on the coffee table.
00:35:09.599 --> 00:35:13.519
Well, you can have fun as much as you want on the counter with play-doh.
00:35:13.840 --> 00:35:15.280
Yes, absolutely.
00:35:15.599 --> 00:35:21.679
So I just thought that was interesting, the word authoritative, because it gets it gets a bit of a bad rap sometimes, that word.
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:23.360
People go, ooh, I don't like that.
00:35:23.519 --> 00:35:25.840
But if you look at the root word, it's a lot softer.
00:35:26.880 --> 00:35:30.960
I've never thought of it as author, and I'm now gonna use that.
00:35:31.039 --> 00:35:31.920
That is brilliant.
00:35:32.079 --> 00:35:33.039
I love it.
00:35:33.360 --> 00:35:41.519
Um now, Baumrind, who was the woman who started the research on parenting styles.
00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:46.400
She talks authoritative is in the middle.
00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:53.760
Authoritarian is um off on the high expectations, low warmth side.
00:35:54.079 --> 00:36:00.480
So, in terms of the root word, that's a little bit um uh we still come into this problem.
00:36:00.639 --> 00:36:12.239
It's like I wish she had chosen a different word, honestly, because even after all these years, I still have to go authoritative, authoritarian, authoritative, and come back to that uh in my mind.
00:36:12.719 --> 00:36:16.480
I think authoritarian is is very territorial in nature.
00:36:16.719 --> 00:36:22.719
And it's it's it's the boundaries um extend very far.
00:36:22.960 --> 00:36:28.960
If you look at that from the government standpoint, anytime you have an authoritarian government, it's borderline dictatorship, right?
00:36:29.039 --> 00:36:35.840
It's it's it tends to be um and they stretch the limits of what they have control of to such a far extent, right?
00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:40.480
Authoritative is different, it's it's it's much softer.
00:36:40.719 --> 00:36:44.800
It it's the idea of a directive, it's the same kind of word.
00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:51.119
It's something that's established and essentially known to be there as a form of protection.
00:36:51.280 --> 00:36:57.280
You know, it's directive in nature, authoritative in nature, um, as opposed to all binding and all consuming.
00:36:57.440 --> 00:36:58.639
You know, I love etymology.
00:36:58.719 --> 00:37:00.159
That's why I get into this nerdy stuff.
00:37:00.239 --> 00:37:01.280
But yeah, yeah, that's good.
00:37:01.360 --> 00:37:02.639
I like etymology too.
00:37:02.719 --> 00:37:03.039
Yeah.
00:37:03.760 --> 00:37:04.400
For sure.
00:37:04.639 --> 00:37:05.280
Yeah.
00:37:05.599 --> 00:37:06.320
For sure.
00:37:06.559 --> 00:37:13.199
Um, and you know, while we're talking about parenting styles, let's let's pause here for a moment.
00:37:14.239 --> 00:37:37.360
We all get born into the world with our own personality, which means we all as individuals either have a slightly stronger need for clarity and structure, or a slightly stronger need for spontaneity, creativity, and go with the flow.
00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:37.920
Yeah.
00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:43.039
And so it's a hundred percent natural that we bring that to our parenting.
00:37:44.079 --> 00:37:56.239
And even if you're a really authoritative parent and you've are in that in that ballpark, and please understand that it's not one point on the timeline.
00:37:56.800 --> 00:38:09.599
It's you know, it's it's it's more like a more like a target, but it has it, it has the outer edges are not are not so narrow that there's only one definition of success.
00:38:11.119 --> 00:38:26.000
If you want to know, are you at heart authoritarian or at heart permissive, that's the high warmth, low structure, all you have to do is to realize what you do, how you react when you're feeling super stressed.
00:38:26.239 --> 00:38:32.960
So when time is tight and you're feeling stressed, if you're the parent who says, nope, this is what it is, we are doing it.
00:38:33.199 --> 00:38:34.960
I said so, that's enough.
00:38:35.760 --> 00:38:38.480
At heart, you are an authoritarian parent.
00:38:38.800 --> 00:38:44.639
If you're like, all right, whatever, I don't care, fine, let's just watch another 20 minutes.
00:38:44.719 --> 00:38:46.079
I don't want to have the fight.
00:38:46.800 --> 00:38:49.119
You are at heart a permissive parent.
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:55.280
The at heart part has it doesn't matter, right?
00:38:55.599 --> 00:38:59.119
It's what we it's how we come towards middle.
00:38:59.280 --> 00:39:12.239
But it is important kind of to know what your core personality is, because when you're parenting with a partner, you need and you need to know what theirs is and they need to know what yours is.
00:39:12.559 --> 00:39:34.880
So that if things get tight and tense, when parents begin to feel like they are not in the authoritative bucket anymore, it's because in times of tension, the authoritarian parent is showing up uncompromising and like timeline and strict, and let's go and let's do it.
00:39:36.639 --> 00:39:49.679
And that's threatening to the permissive parent because when they're stressed, their core is like, whoosh, no structure, can't handle it, don't, don't, you know, like let's just like let's just say this stuff doesn't matter and it's not important.
00:39:50.960 --> 00:39:52.880
Who cares about queen teeth?
00:39:53.039 --> 00:39:53.679
Yeah.
00:39:55.119 --> 00:39:56.079
Yeah, absolutely.
00:39:56.400 --> 00:39:57.440
And vice versa.
00:39:58.400 --> 00:39:58.800
Yeah.
00:39:58.960 --> 00:40:00.960
And and that can be super stressful.
00:40:01.280 --> 00:40:02.480
Absolutely.
00:40:03.280 --> 00:40:09.039
Well, I feel like we could dive in much, much deeper, and we will in some upcoming episodes with Elizabeth.
00:40:09.119 --> 00:40:13.599
Uh, you can learn all about Elizabeth at elisabethstitt.com.
00:40:13.679 --> 00:40:15.840
And I include the link in the description box.
00:40:16.079 --> 00:40:18.639
Her business is called Joyful Parenting Coaching.
00:40:18.719 --> 00:40:24.480
And if you're looking for uh coaching in the realm of parenting, I think you're in good hands with Elizabeth.
00:40:24.559 --> 00:40:29.199
So we include all of her information and social media links in the description as well.
00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:32.239
Elizabeth, thank you so much for joining us here at Virgin Wild.
00:40:32.960 --> 00:40:33.760
My pleasure.
00:40:34.079 --> 00:40:37.280
Absolutely, and for all those who are with us, until next time.
