WEBVTT
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Paranormal Salad, The Dressing, The Ember Timeline. An RJPC Studio
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Audio Production. Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember.
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Created and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. This program is
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00:00:18.809 --> 00:00:22.309
a work of dramatic fiction. Listener discretion is advised.
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This is Episode 3, Daniel. Daniel.
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I was going to skip Daniel. That is how I
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know I have to tell you about him. The easiest
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way to lie in.
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A confession is not to change what happened.
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It's to decide something does not belong in the story.
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Daniel belongs. He was my first sexual experience. He was
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the first person I loved while still believing love could
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condemn me? Those are different things. We met because he
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stole my pen. He would object to the word stole.
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Daniel maintained until the day I last saw him that
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unattended writing instruments became a communal property after 19 seconds.
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He had rules for everything when the official rules became unbearable.
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Your pen was lonely, he told me. It was attached
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to my notebook, emotionally lonely. You are going to be
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a terrible priest. He looked at me and smiled. From
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your mouth to God's ears. I should have known Daniel
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did not belong there any more than I did, but
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he had figured it out first. He did not believe
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being gay was a failure. That idea was revolutionary to me.
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I had entered seminary with the complicated, stupid hope that
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vocation could outvote desire. If I prayed enough, worked enough,
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became useful enough, maybe the part of me that wanted
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men would become background noise.
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Daniel thought that was hilarious. Not cruelly. That mattered.
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One night, we were washing dishes after the parish dinner
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because apparently spiritual formation requires industrial quantities of baked ziti.
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He asked me if I had ever kissed a man.
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I lied.
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No. He rinsed a plate. You're very bad at lying.
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I'm excellent at at lying. You blink like a Victorian widow.
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I do not even know what that means. It means yes.
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I hated him for about ten seconds.
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Then I laughed.
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The first kiss did not happen in the chapel or
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during a thunderstorm or beneath a stained glass window because
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real life occasionally refuses cinematography. It happened beside commercial refrigerator
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that made a high whining sound every 40 seconds.
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He kissed me. I kissed him back.
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Then I immediately pulled away and said, we cannot do that.
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Daniel nodded. Obviously. Then he kissed me again. I loved
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him for that.
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I also resented him for making something I had spent
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years treating like a spiritual emergency feel ordinary. That sounds backwards.
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But shame needs ceremony. Shame needs rules and punishment and
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solemn conversation. If desire can simply be two young men
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laughing into each other's mouths besides a refrigerator.
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Then an entire institution has to explain why it built
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such expensive architecture around making them afraid. Daniel made my
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fear look ridiculous.
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Not small. Ridiculous.
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There is freedom in that. There is danger, too. We
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were careless, eventually, not dramatically careless. Nobody found us naked
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in the sanctuary. We held hands in a car too long.
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I touched the.
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Back of his neck in the hallway when I thought
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nobody was looking. He left a note inside one of
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my books that said, You are allowed to.
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Want things. I kept it. Of course I kept it.
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I have built an entire career around refusing to throw
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away evidence that hurts me. The bishop noticed before we
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knew he had noticed. I don't know exactly what he saw,
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maybe nothing. Maybe he recognized the way I looked at
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Daniel because men who dedicated their lives to policing desire
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become experts in the smallest gestures.
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Maybe someone told him. For years, I tortured.
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Myself trying to identify the informer. Daniel finally said, maybe
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nobody betrayed us. Maybe he's just observant. I hated that
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possibility more. The conversation started privately. Questions about temptation, questions
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about attachment, questions whether I was spending too much time
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with one seminarian. Questions phrased as concern and delivered as surveillance.
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Daniel wanted to leave. I wanted to stay. That was
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our real first fight.
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Why? He asked. Because I came here for a reason.
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So did I. Then I learned more information. You do
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not just quit your vocation because something is difficult. He
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stared at me for a long time. You think I'm difficult.
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You think I'm the difficult thing.
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That's not what I said. It's what you meant. I
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did not answer.
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There are silences you spend the rest of your life
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wishing you could interpret. That was one of mine. Daniel
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left before I did. He packed his clothes in two
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suitcases and gave away most of his books because he
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said he was not carrying Aquinas into civilian life on principle.
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I stood beside his car and asked where he would go.
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Somewhere nobody has a committee for my soul.
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I smiled because it was funny. Then he kissed my cheek.
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Come with me. I almost did. That sentence deserves its
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own room. I almost did.
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There's a version of my life where I got into
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that car, but I'm not interested in imaginary worlds. They're
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too easy. In the real one, I stayed. Daniel drove away.
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Three weeks later, I was hiding in a closet from
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the bishop. The woman whispered Daniel's name first.
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That matters. I thought she was reading my mind.
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Now I think she was studying the shape of my hunger.
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Daniel was the first proof that I could want something
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the church told me not to want and survive the wanting.
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He was also the first person I let go because
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fear sounded more authoritative than love. When people ask me
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why Carl mattered so much, part of the answer is Daniel.
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Carl was the first man I did not leave because
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somebody else told me I should. When people ask why
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Cole mattered, Daniel is a part of the answer too.
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Cole never told me wanting him was wrong. He told
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me wanting him was enough. There's a difference. It took
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most of my life to learn how dangerous the difference
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can be. Daniel also taught me how badly memory behaves
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around love. I can tell you exactly what he wore
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the day he left. But I cannot remember the sound
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of his laugh without borrowing it from three different mornings.
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I know he hates raisins. I know he slept on
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his stomach.
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I know.
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he could quote Augustine while making the quotation sound obscene.
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I know that once during a fire drill, he grabbed
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my hand in the parking lot because everyone was looking
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at the building. And for 30 seconds, We are allowed
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to be ordinary. That is the scene I return to.
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Not the refrigerator kiss. The parking lot. Cold air. Alarm screaming.
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Men in formation pretending not to be annoyed.
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Daniel's fingers threaded through mine inside the sleeve of my coat,
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where nobody could see. He looked straight ahead and whispered,
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Look at us. Surviving scandal. I wanted that life so badly.
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I became furious at him for showing it to me.
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That is a confession too.
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Sometimes the person who frees you becomes the person you
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resent because freedom creates responsibility. Once you know the door exists,
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staying in the room becomes partly.
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Your decision.
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You have been listening to Paranormal Salad, The Dressing, The
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00:11:26.210 --> 00:11:35.309
Ember Timeline. Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember. Created, directed, edited,
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00:11:35.529 --> 00:11:39.590
and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. Sound design and production
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by RJPC Studios Audio. Paranormal Salad, The Ember Timeline are
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productions of RJPC Studios, LLC. Follow Paranormal Salad wherever you
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listen to podcasts for the next confession.
1
00:00:00.270 --> 00:00:06.589
Paranormal Salad, The Dressing, The Ember Timeline. An RJPC Studio
2
00:00:06.710 --> 00:00:12.929
Audio Production. Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember.
3
00:00:14.310 --> 00:00:18.769
Created and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. This program is
4
00:00:18.809 --> 00:00:22.309
a work of dramatic fiction. Listener discretion is advised.
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00:00:23.510 --> 00:00:26.089
This is Episode 3, Daniel. Daniel.
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I was going to skip Daniel. That is how I
7
00:00:36.850 --> 00:00:39.770
know I have to tell you about him. The easiest
8
00:00:39.789 --> 00:00:40.570
way to lie in.
9
00:00:40.530 --> 00:00:42.490
A confession is not to change what happened.
10
00:00:43.509 --> 00:00:47.490
It's to decide something does not belong in the story.
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00:00:48.450 --> 00:00:57.880
Daniel belongs. He was my first sexual experience. He was
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the first person I loved while still believing love could
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condemn me? Those are different things. We met because he
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stole my pen. He would object to the word stole.
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Daniel maintained until the day I last saw him that
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unattended writing instruments became a communal property after 19 seconds.
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He had rules for everything when the official rules became unbearable.
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Your pen was lonely, he told me. It was attached
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to my notebook, emotionally lonely. You are going to be
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a terrible priest. He looked at me and smiled. From
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your mouth to God's ears. I should have known Daniel
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did not belong there any more than I did, but
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he had figured it out first. He did not believe
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being gay was a failure. That idea was revolutionary to me.
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I had entered seminary with the complicated, stupid hope that
26
00:02:12.349 --> 00:02:20.550
vocation could outvote desire. If I prayed enough, worked enough,
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00:02:20.909 --> 00:02:24.780
became useful enough, maybe the part of me that wanted
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men would become background noise.
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Daniel thought that was hilarious. Not cruelly. That mattered.
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One night, we were washing dishes after the parish dinner
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because apparently spiritual formation requires industrial quantities of baked ziti.
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He asked me if I had ever kissed a man.
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I lied.
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No. He rinsed a plate. You're very bad at lying.
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I'm excellent at at lying. You blink like a Victorian widow.
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I do not even know what that means. It means yes.
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I hated him for about ten seconds.
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Then I laughed.
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The first kiss did not happen in the chapel or
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during a thunderstorm or beneath a stained glass window because
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00:03:24.789 --> 00:03:33.129
real life occasionally refuses cinematography. It happened beside commercial refrigerator
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00:03:34.180 --> 00:03:38.379
that made a high whining sound every 40 seconds.
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He kissed me. I kissed him back.
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Then I immediately pulled away and said, we cannot do that.
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Daniel nodded. Obviously. Then he kissed me again. I loved
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him for that.
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I also resented him for making something I had spent
48
00:04:04.370 --> 00:04:12.990
years treating like a spiritual emergency feel ordinary. That sounds backwards.
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00:04:13.830 --> 00:04:18.899
But shame needs ceremony. Shame needs rules and punishment and
50
00:04:19.060 --> 00:04:23.500
solemn conversation. If desire can simply be two young men
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00:04:23.560 --> 00:04:26.500
laughing into each other's mouths besides a refrigerator.
52
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Then an entire institution has to explain why it built
53
00:04:30.990 --> 00:04:36.680
such expensive architecture around making them afraid. Daniel made my
54
00:04:36.819 --> 00:04:38.100
fear look ridiculous.
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Not small. Ridiculous.
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There is freedom in that. There is danger, too. We
57
00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:53.290
were careless, eventually, not dramatically careless. Nobody found us naked
58
00:04:53.350 --> 00:04:57.709
in the sanctuary. We held hands in a car too long.
59
00:04:57.910 --> 00:04:58.470
I touched the.
60
00:04:58.430 --> 00:05:01.170
Back of his neck in the hallway when I thought
61
00:05:01.250 --> 00:05:03.740
nobody was looking. He left a note inside one of
62
00:05:03.779 --> 00:05:07.379
my books that said, You are allowed to.
63
00:05:08.899 --> 00:05:15.500
Want things. I kept it. Of course I kept it.
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00:05:16.529 --> 00:05:19.930
I have built an entire career around refusing to throw
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00:05:19.990 --> 00:05:23.670
away evidence that hurts me. The bishop noticed before we
66
00:05:23.730 --> 00:05:28.680
knew he had noticed. I don't know exactly what he saw,
67
00:05:28.819 --> 00:05:32.300
maybe nothing. Maybe he recognized the way I looked at
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00:05:32.379 --> 00:05:37.300
Daniel because men who dedicated their lives to policing desire
69
00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:41.290
become experts in the smallest gestures.
70
00:05:42.750 --> 00:05:46.490
Maybe someone told him. For years, I tortured.
71
00:05:46.129 --> 00:05:53.490
Myself trying to identify the informer. Daniel finally said, maybe
72
00:05:53.629 --> 00:06:00.990
nobody betrayed us. Maybe he's just observant. I hated that
73
00:06:01.149 --> 00:06:08.709
possibility more. The conversation started privately. Questions about temptation, questions
74
00:06:08.769 --> 00:06:12.790
about attachment, questions whether I was spending too much time
75
00:06:13.810 --> 00:06:20.709
with one seminarian. Questions phrased as concern and delivered as surveillance.
76
00:06:21.110 --> 00:06:25.920
Daniel wanted to leave. I wanted to stay. That was
77
00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:27.139
our real first fight.
78
00:06:29.199 --> 00:06:33.180
Why? He asked. Because I came here for a reason.
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00:06:34.519 --> 00:06:38.899
So did I. Then I learned more information. You do
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00:06:38.939 --> 00:06:45.399
not just quit your vocation because something is difficult. He
81
00:06:45.420 --> 00:06:49.540
stared at me for a long time. You think I'm difficult.
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00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:53.019
You think I'm the difficult thing.
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That's not what I said. It's what you meant. I
84
00:07:00.339 --> 00:07:01.160
did not answer.
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00:07:02.660 --> 00:07:05.459
There are silences you spend the rest of your life
86
00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:12.209
wishing you could interpret. That was one of mine. Daniel
87
00:07:12.290 --> 00:07:17.709
left before I did. He packed his clothes in two
88
00:07:17.790 --> 00:07:20.810
suitcases and gave away most of his books because he
89
00:07:20.870 --> 00:07:29.139
said he was not carrying Aquinas into civilian life on principle.
90
00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:35.000
I stood beside his car and asked where he would go.
91
00:07:35.379 --> 00:07:37.939
Somewhere nobody has a committee for my soul.
92
00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:46.100
I smiled because it was funny. Then he kissed my cheek.
93
00:07:48.310 --> 00:07:58.180
Come with me. I almost did. That sentence deserves its
94
00:07:58.279 --> 00:08:01.240
own room. I almost did.
95
00:08:01.259 --> 00:08:04.560
There's a version of my life where I got into
96
00:08:04.610 --> 00:08:10.009
that car, but I'm not interested in imaginary worlds. They're
97
00:08:10.029 --> 00:08:15.209
too easy. In the real one, I stayed. Daniel drove away.
98
00:08:16.410 --> 00:08:20.410
Three weeks later, I was hiding in a closet from
99
00:08:20.449 --> 00:08:24.870
the bishop. The woman whispered Daniel's name first.
100
00:08:26.540 --> 00:08:30.339
That matters. I thought she was reading my mind.
101
00:08:32.080 --> 00:08:37.470
Now I think she was studying the shape of my hunger.
102
00:08:39.009 --> 00:08:42.090
Daniel was the first proof that I could want something
103
00:08:42.149 --> 00:08:45.590
the church told me not to want and survive the wanting.
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He was also the first person I let go because
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fear sounded more authoritative than love. When people ask me
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why Carl mattered so much, part of the answer is Daniel.
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Carl was the first man I did not leave because
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somebody else told me I should. When people ask why
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Cole mattered, Daniel is a part of the answer too.
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Cole never told me wanting him was wrong. He told
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me wanting him was enough. There's a difference. It took
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most of my life to learn how dangerous the difference
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can be. Daniel also taught me how badly memory behaves
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around love. I can tell you exactly what he wore
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the day he left. But I cannot remember the sound
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of his laugh without borrowing it from three different mornings.
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I know he hates raisins. I know he slept on
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his stomach.
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I know.
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he could quote Augustine while making the quotation sound obscene.
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I know that once during a fire drill, he grabbed
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my hand in the parking lot because everyone was looking
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at the building. And for 30 seconds, We are allowed
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to be ordinary. That is the scene I return to.
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Not the refrigerator kiss. The parking lot. Cold air. Alarm screaming.
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Men in formation pretending not to be annoyed.
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Daniel's fingers threaded through mine inside the sleeve of my coat,
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where nobody could see. He looked straight ahead and whispered,
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Look at us. Surviving scandal. I wanted that life so badly.
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I became furious at him for showing it to me.
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That is a confession too.
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Sometimes the person who frees you becomes the person you
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resent because freedom creates responsibility. Once you know the door exists,
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staying in the room becomes partly.
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Your decision.
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You have been listening to Paranormal Salad, The Dressing, The
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Ember Timeline. Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember. Created, directed, edited,
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and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. Sound design and production
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by RJPC Studios Audio. Paranormal Salad, The Ember Timeline are
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productions of RJPC Studios, LLC. Follow Paranormal Salad wherever you
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listen to podcasts for the next confession.
