The Ember Files — Episode 6: The First Rite

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Paranormal Sound. The Dressing. The Ember Timeline. An RJPC Studio
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Audio Production. Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember.
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Created and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. This program is
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a work of dramatic fiction. Listener discretion is advised.
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I did not become an exorcist because God. called me
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I became an exorcist because guilt is extremely productive when
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you get office supplies after Sophia disappeared I stopped sleeping
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properly I went to work I came home I read
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I called people who did not want to hear from
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a former seminarian with paranormal questions I wrote letters to
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clergy in three countries I found translations of rites I
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had been told were invalid. Dangerous, pagan, superstitious, or all four.
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The more I studied, the less impressed I became with
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anyone claiming exclusive ownership of evil. Catholics have one vocabulary.
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Pentecostals had another. Jewish traditions had another. Islamic traditions had another.
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Indigenous traditions had their own frameworks, which I learned very
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quickly were not mine to flatten into demonology because I
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happen to own a notebook. That lesson took longer than
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it should have. I was young and educated. A dangerous
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combination because it allows arrogance to cite source. My first
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formal rite was not for Sophia. I never found Sophia.
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It was for a man named Christian. Yes, his name
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was Christian. No, I do not control symbolism. Christian's mother
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contacted me through a former seminary professor who wanted absolutely
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no written record of having given her my number. The
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Catholic Church has many sacraments. Plausible deniability is the unofficial faith.
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Christian was 34. He had a history of addiction. He
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also started speaking a language nobody in his family recognized.
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That does not automatically mean possession. People can produce sounds
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they do not understand. Trauma is theatrical. The brain is
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a talented liar. Mental illness deserves treatment, not amateur priest
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shouting at it. I made Christian see a doctor before
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I agreed to do anything spiritual. That decision probably saved
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my career and may have saved his life. The doctor
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found withdrawal, dehydration, sleep deprivation, and nothing that explained the language.
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I recorded Christian. Then I sent the audio to three linguists.
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One called me at midnight. Where did you get this? Why?
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Answer me first. I asked first. This is how academics
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flirt with panic. The language was a distorted form of
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homonym mixed with phrases for something older that none of
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them wanted to identify competently. Christian had never studied either.
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When I returned to the house, he was tied to
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a chair. I hate that image, because movies have ruined it.
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He was not thrashing. He was crying. His mother had
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restrained him because he kept trying to walk into traffic.
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I sat across from him. He looked at me and
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then said in perfect English, You left Sofia. I nearly
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walked out of her. That would have been reasonable. Instead,
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I asked, Who told you that name? Christian smiled. His
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mother said, Who is Sophia? I ignored her. Christian leaned
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forward as far as the restraints allowed. You always come
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back after you run. I understood then that whatever had
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been in Sophia's apartment had not stayed here. or something
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else new enough to imitate it. That distinction became central
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to my life. People ask, is it the same demon?
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I have no idea. If ten strangers quote the same
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line from a television show, we do not assume one's
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soul is moving between bodies. Information travels. The symbols travel.
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Fear travels. Why should the supernatural be less social than
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we are? I performed the rite. Badly. I skipped parts
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when Christian's breathing became unstable. I abandoned Lapu when the
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words seemed to increase his distress. I used his name repeatedly.
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I asked permission before touching him because after seminary, I
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had developed one useful theological conviction. Nobody loses ownership of
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their body because other people think something supernatural is happening.
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At one point, Christian looked directly at me and whispered,
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Come closer. I did not. Why? I asked. So I
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can tell you what happened to her. Every part of
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me wanted to move forward. I stayed where I was.
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That was... That may have been the first time I
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successfully refused an invitation. I did not recognize it as important.
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The rite lasted four hours. Nothing flew across the room.
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No head rotated. Christian vomited twice, swore creatively, sobbed, and
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eventually fell asleep. When he woke, the language was gone.
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He did not remember Sophia's name. I called that a success.
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Maybe it was. Christian remained sober for almost two years.
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Then he relapsed. He survived that too. The supernatural does
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not cancel ordinary suffering. I wish it did. It would
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make triage easier. Christian and I stayed in contact for
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several years. He once told me, you know what helps most.
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I expected him to say the right. He said, you
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asked before you touched me. I've carried that sentence longer
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than any prayer. The church taught me authority. Christian taught
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me consent. I wish I could say I never forgot.
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My first successful rite was successful because I broke half
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the rules. Christian dehydrated because three well-meaning adults I had
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decided fasting would make the entity weaker. It almost made
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Christian weaker. By the time I arrived, he could barely stand.
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I said, feed him. His uncle said the demon refused to.
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The demon is not paying the hospital bills. Feed him.
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We gave him broth. He threw up. We waited. We
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gave him water. Then I sat beside the bed and
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asked Christian... what he had wanted me to call him.
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Nobody had asked him that. Everybody had been talking to
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the thing. Christian, he said. Good. If you want me
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to stop at any point. I stopped. His mother objected.
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I ignored her. That was the beginning of my actual
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theology of exorcism. Not commandment. You cannot save someone by
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turning them into furniture in their own rescue. The manifestation
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started 40 minutes later. The voice changed, the room temperature dropped,
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a picture fell from the wall, all the cinematic bullshit
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finally showed up. Late and dramatic as usual. The important
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part was Christian squeezing my wrist and saying, keep going.
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So I did. The rite gave me confidence. Thorne arrived
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almost immediately to make sure I didn't enjoy it. Father
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Everett Thorne entered my life dressed entirely in black, carrying
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a Vatican credential, a coffee he hated, and the confidence
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of a man who had never once been told to
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mind his own fucking business. I disliked him immediately. We
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were friends for almost 20 years. That is not a contradiction.
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That is Catholicism. Thorne arrived at Christian's house two days
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after the rite. He did not knock on my apartment
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door so much as inform me that he was entering.
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I opened the door and said, Can I help you?
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He held up the credentials. Probably not. Then why are
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you here? To determine whether you are dangerous. Get in line.
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He looked me up and down. You are younger than
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the report suggested. I hated him for stealing Sophia's opening line.
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Thorne knew about Christian. He knew about Sophia. He knew
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about the seminar. He knew about the closet. That last
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part changed the room. I stopped joking. How do you
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know about the closet? He sat at my kitchen table
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without permission. There was a report. By whom? I cannot
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tell you. Then leave. He did not. Thorne had an
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extraordinary ability to remain seated through hostility. I later learned
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this was partially priesthood and partially lower back pain. He
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told me the church maintenance records of anomalous incidents connected
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to the clergy candidates' religious sites and What he called
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sensitive person. I said, that sounds like stalking. He says,
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that is an uncharitable description. It isn't inaccurate. He took
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a sip of his coffee and made a face. No.
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That was when I decided I might eventually tolerate him.
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Thorne wanted my notes. I refused. He wanted Christian's recordings.
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I refused. I refused. He wanted to know whether the
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woman from the seminary had appeared after I left. I lied.
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He knew. Your left eye moves when you lie, he said.
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That is medically fascinating. It is professionally useful. I hate you.
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You will find that surprisingly durable. He was right. Thorne
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did not recruit me that day. He would have described
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it as advising. I would describe it as slowly positioning
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resources around a stubborn animal until the animal mistakes the
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enclosure for opportunity. He sent me books. He introduced me
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to people. He arranged access to archives I could not
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have entered alone. He also reported on me. I did
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not know that yet. That betrayal belongs later. For now,
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I need you to understand why I trusted him. Thorne
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had never once told me the bishop had been right.
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That matters. The first time I described what happened at
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seminary in detail, I waited for him to interpret the
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abuse as spiritual concern. He did not. He struck you
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because he believed shame would make you manageable. I asked.
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Did he know about the woman? Thorne hesitated. There was
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the first crack. What? I said. There was a report
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of unusual activity around you before the closet incident. What reports? Dreams, voices,
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electrical disturbance. I never told. You were a candidate for priesthood.
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As opposed to a human being, he looked away. That
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was one of the rare times Thorne had no answer.
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He eventually said, Institutions make moral errors when they become
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more interested in preserving categories in people. That is a
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very elegant way of saying they fucked up. Yes, say it.
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They fucked up. I laughed. Thorne became my mentor because
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he took my curiosity serious while refusing to flatter it.
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He told me when evidence was weak. He told me
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when I was reaching. He told me when trauma was
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influencing an investigation. I usually responded by becoming defensive, improving
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his point. He taught me that exorcism was not combat.
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Stop imagining yourself at war, he said once. What would
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you call it? Boundary work. That sounds like therapy. Therapy
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has stolen several good ideas from religion. Religion stole most
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of them first. He taught me that names matter, because
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names created relationship. He taught me to never accept an
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entity's preferred framing without examining who it He taught me
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that blood can carry ritual meaning without requiring mystical biology.
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He also taught me about frequency, not 19 Hz yet.
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That came later. But he showed me old reports where sound, chant, repetition,
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and vibration altered experiences across cultures. People keep trying to
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decide whether this is spiritual or physical, he said. And
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maybe the distinction is ours, not fairs. That sentence became
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paranormal salad before paranormal salad existed. Thorne was the first
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person who made me believe my anger at religion did
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not require me to abandon spiritual inquiry. He was also
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the person who eventually helped the church study me without
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my informed consent. Both are true. That is what makes
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betrayal painful. If someone has never given you anything good,
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their cruelty is easy to fire. Thorne gave me years
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of good things. He gave me work. He gave me language.
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He gave me access. He gave me friendship. Then at
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the end, he gave me the one instruction I failed
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to follow. But before any of that, he introduced me
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to a cameraman named Carl. Technically, Carl introduced himself. Thorne
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just created the emergency. Thorne and I fought in parking
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lots more than churches. Parking lots are underrated theological spaces.
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Nobody can maintain grandeur beside a dented Honda. After our
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third case together, he told me I needed supervision. I said,
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I'm 30 years old. That has never stopped you requiring supervision.
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You are not my father, thank God. Do not use
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God to insult me. I was expressing gratitude. That was Thor.
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He could irritate me into honesty. He also did something
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no bishop had done. He apologized when he was wrong.
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Not often. I do not want to accidentally canonize a bastard.
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But when I proved a case was medical rather than supernatural,
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he did not move the goalpost. He said, you were right.
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When he discovered records had been hidden from me, he said,
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they should have told you. When I asked whether the
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church had used me, He did not say no. He said,
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I'm afraid some people tried. That answer is probably why
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I kept him in my life.
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You have been listening to Paranormal Sound.
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The Dressing. The Ember Timeline.
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Written by Robert Jerome Pagan. Performed by Jax Ember. Created, directed, edited,
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and produced by Robert Jerome Pagan. Sound design and production
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by RJPC Studios Audio. Paranormal Salad, The Ember Timeline are
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productions of RJPC Studios, LLC. Follow Paranormal Salad wherever you
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listen to podcasts for the next confession.