37. When it’s Time to Let Go

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Greetings Thrivers and welcome back to Now Let's Thrive the podcast.
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My name is Dr. Devin and I am the host.
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I hope that everyone is doing well.
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There is so much going on and I know personally people that I know and love
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and care about are struggling with a lot of things.
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So I want to start off just by acknowledging that and just telling you that
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I hope that you are taking care of yourselves with whatever is going on,
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focusing on your wellness, even if it is small, tiny habits that you implement
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in your day, in your week, prayer, meditation, better sleep, better eating.
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And if your wellness right now
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looks like just making it through the day
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then you're doing well and you need
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to celebrate those achievements so just want to start off by acknowledging it's
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a heavy time for a lot of people it's a heavy time for our country socio-politically
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which trickles down into all different aspects and topics and, you know,
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pieces and parts of life and experiences for people.
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What I want to touch on today as a topic is letting go.
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I spent some time thinking about other topics that I wanted to tackle for this
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week's episode, but just because things have happened and personal experiences
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that I've had and what I've been reflecting upon the last couple of weeks,
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I thought letting go is a fitting topic.
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I'm going to be honest. It is something that I have struggled with,
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especially, well, really in all aspects of my life.
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I was going to say when it comes to people and knowing when to let go of relationships
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that no longer serve me, whether platonic or romantic.
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But even beyond that, I have struggled with letting go because, you know,
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we're taught how to achieve, we're taught how to build, and we are taught how
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to hold on to things that we want, that we love,
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that we have accomplished, that we want to continue to do, even if things aren't working out well.
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But we are really almost never taught how to release and how to let go.
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And when we think about wellness and the different aspects of wellness.
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Knowing how to let go is critically important.
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I want to pause for a second to say this.
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I have been struggling with this residual cough that I have from when I was
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sick a couple weeks ago. And if you listen to episode 36, I've talked about
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being sick and trying to recover from that.
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I'll have this cough for a while. I may be able to edit out if I cough or have issues with my speech.
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I may not be able to edit out because it might be just too much to do.
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But I want to let you know if there's differences in my voice.
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If I have to pause for a minute to cough, I'm sorry. I'm human.
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I'm still trying to get past this cough. And hopefully, my doctor said it could
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take a while, a couple months, but hopefully after that, I'll be out of the woods.
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All right, so now continuing on with letting go.
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What would your life feel like if you stopped gripping so tightly?
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And that was a question I had to ask myself in my personal reflection when it
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comes to a couple of things.
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Friends that I've had for a
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long time and I've been in and out
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of times when we've been very close and and now not so close you know things
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have happened but what would my life feel like if I stopped gripping so tightly
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to these relationships that really may not be serving me,
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anymore okay so that's my central question for today I'm asking myself as I'm
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asking you all as well if there are things that you think you might need to release or let go of.
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I struggle with letting go because sometimes I feel like that means failure or like I'm giving up.
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And I had to reframe my thinking to understand that letting go really doesn't mean giving up.
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It's a nervous system reset that we need sometimes. It is a mental detox that
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is incredibly important for our mental health and our ability to keep moving forward.
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And it is a form of self-respect. And when I think about those three areas,
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nervous system reset, mental detox, and a form of self-respect.
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All three are important to me.
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But when it comes to really understanding and making the choice to release and
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let go of things, of people, circumstances, situations, whatever it may be,
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that self-respect piece is crucial to me.
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And that's really what I hold on to and utilize in terms of evaluating when it is time to give up.
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Because above and beyond anything, I deserve to be respected.
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But that has to start with me respecting myself and making it clear and known
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to everyone who I come in contact with that I do respect myself.
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And sometimes staying in relationships that no longer serve us or no longer
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have served me, again, whether it's platonic or romantic, I'm not respecting myself.
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And that's not cool at all. That is not good for my nervous system.
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That is not good for my mental health.
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It's not good for my overall wellness.
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There are some misconceptions when it comes to letting go. The first one I just
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mentioned, it feels like giving up.
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It feels like failure. That's not true.
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In addition to that, letting go is also, it's not avoidance.
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It's not suppression and it's not indifference.
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But it is a conscious release of attachment to outcomes, to control, or to past narratives.
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And I can do a series of episodes on control. I might need to implement that
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because that's a lot of what I've been working on in my journey of wellness,
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therapy, and self-discovery.
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But it is a conscious release of those attachments. It's saying that I'm no
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longer going to be worried about specific outcomes. I'm no longer going to be
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trying to control situations, relationships, and people.
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And I'm not going to hold on to past narratives, things that people have said,
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that they have thought, what I have thought about myself in the past.
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None of those things. It is allowing reality to exist without resistance.
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And I like that reframe a lot better than thinking it's avoidance,
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it's suppression, it's indifference, it's letting go.
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And when we think about the wellness aspect of it, again, that nervous system
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reset, that mental detox and a form of self-respect,
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it also helps us to be able to rest more, to repair ourselves in the way that
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we need to and to find clarity and sometimes even closure.
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I need to write down closure to do another episode on that.
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But I like just reframing it in terms of the wellness aspects and why it's so
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important that we do let go at times when we may need to.
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A little bit more on why I have struggled to let go and why I think other people do as well.
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If I let this go, who am I without it, right? So if I decide I've been a writer
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for years and I want to let writing go, it's no longer serving me. It's not a great outlet.
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I haven't been able to achieve the goals I want to. I don't feel good about writing anymore.
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But if I let it go, who am I without writing when I've been a writer for so long?
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The same can be true of relationships.
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If I let this relationship go and I'm
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no longer friends with this person who am
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I without this friendship that I have had for
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20 plus years and this one is true because
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it's something I'm struggling with right now when it
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comes to different roles the same thing
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can be true I'm thinking about my career
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and I've put a lot of time into thinking
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about and even sharing with people that
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I trust that I'm not really sure I want
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to continue to be a people manager or maybe I
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want to take a break from it and
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go into an individual contributor role at
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work where I influence people not through positionality and authority but I
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work well with people just through influence by my expert knowledge right so
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I can be an individual contributor that still has a great impact on my teams,
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on people who I work with and collaborate with and on the organization.
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But who am I if I let go of being a people manager when I've been a people manager for like 15 years now?
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And that's a big chunk like most of my career I've been managing other people.
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And so it's hard for me to at times think about that because it's an identity attachment. I have been.
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A friend in this relationship. I have been a writer.
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I've been a people manager, so I'm not sure what to do or how it's going to
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end up if I no longer have those things or I detach from those identities and I let them go.
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There's also an illusion of control that really sometimes keeps us from being
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able to release and let go.
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We equate control with safety. If I know what's going on, if I know what's going
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to happen, if I can plan it, I know the outcomes, I'm accustomed to this person
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that I've been in this relationship with,
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you know, I know what makes them tick, I know what my boundaries are and what
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I'm allowed to do, I'm safe, right?
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And oftentimes safety leads to contentment, but sometimes it doesn't.
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And so we feel like if we let go, there's all this uncertainty because I've
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been in control of this situation.
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I've been in control of this thing about my life, this identity,
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this role, this relationship for so long.
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If I let go, what's next?
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And that uncertainty can really trigger anxiety And I know that has been the
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case for me And sometimes it really just sends people spiraling Because you
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just don't know what's next.
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Another reason why people struggle with letting go and releasing,
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and I have personally as well, is emotional avoidance.
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So holding on can feel easier than processing the grief, the anger, or the disappointment.
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And that can be grief that we hold, that we know we're going to have when we let go and we release.
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It can be anger that
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other people or we assume that other
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people will feel towards us if I just go ahead and
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end this 20 plus year friendship because it's not serving me anymore and you
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know we we argue we get into it you know there's so much negative in it but
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we've both been holding on because we've been friends for so long and we truly
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do love and care about each other if I go ahead and let that go,
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that other person is going to be angry with me.
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Or at least I'm assuming that they're going to be angry with me.
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And I don't want to deal with their anger.
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I want to avoid that emotion and what that's going to stir up in terms of my
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own emotions and response. So I don't want to do it.
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And then disappointment is a big reason why I have avoided things because no
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one wants to feel disappointed and you don't want other people to be disappointed by you.
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Letting go often requires feeling first, right?
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And so there are all these emotions and feelings that you have leading up to
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this decision that you make on if you're going to let go.
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And when you do it, that sparks other emotion.
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So that emotional avoidance piece is really another reason why so many people struggle.
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And again, I do as well.
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But here's the thing. if you feel
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like or even if you really know that
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it's time to let go it's time to
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implement that release so that you can move forward in a healthier way and to
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be better equipped to deal with and work on yourself and preserve yourself in
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your own wellness that's great If you don't do that, there's a cost.
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And so you have to ask yourself, what is the cost of be holding on and not releasing or letting go?
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There's a mental cost associated with it. There's rumination that might happen.
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There are overthinking loops where, again, that anxiety just triggers you to
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think and think and think. Suddenly you're not sleeping well.
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You know, you're focusing your time, your energy, your effort,
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and your thoughts on this when in reality, if you let go,
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it could be easier on the other side than having to deal with the mental challenges
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that are associated. it.
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Emotional, I just talked about emotions before as a reason why we choose not
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to, but there is an emotional cost of holding on.
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Resentment is something that I could spend a day talking about and definitely
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do several episodes on that.
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So you begin to resent people and situations and things.
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You get burned out there's emotional fatigue
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that's associated with it and then
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with the cost of holding on there are also physical costs
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there's tension I mentioned sleep disruption chronic stress symptoms you can
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be physically sick and the reason why you are sick is because of the chronic
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stress that you have and what it does to your body because you're not sleeping
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well because you have all this tension and anxiety.
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When you, here's a way to look at it. I heard someone say this once,
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I can't remember who it was, but I thought it was profound.
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What you don't release, your body ends up carrying and you hold it mentally,
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emotionally, and physically.
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So when we think about why a lot of people have issues with,
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you know, hypertension, attention.
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Gut health, a lot of gastrointestinal issues, persistent headaches,
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heart troubles, all those things.
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Yes, there can be genetic components to it, but there are also environmental
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components that play into it.
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And stress, stress does a number on your body.
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That is something else that I can talk about in future episodes,
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but your body ends up physically carrying that stress from things that you don't release.
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So if you can think of no other reason why you need to move forward with releasing
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or letting something go, just remember that quote, what you don't release,
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your body ends up carrying.
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And you have to think about what's going to be the cost of what your body carries on you.
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So thinking about what letting go looks like in real life, you can be letting
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go of, And I've mentioned a
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few examples earlier, a relationship that no longer aligns or serves you,
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the need for closure from someone else, a timeline you thought your life had
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to follow, some sort of accomplishments or goals that you thought that you would
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achieve by a certain amount of time, and perfectionism.
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So instead of thinking about, again, the negatives behind it,
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there's another way that you can also reframe it, right?
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So we typically think letting go means losing.
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But maybe instead of that, letting go of one thing means that you're making
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space for something else that's great.
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So if you're letting go of a relationship that no longer aligns or serves you,
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you're making space for a relationship or relationships that do align with your
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values and who you are and your respect and your boundaries.
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If you let go of the need for closure from someone else, then you're making
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space for what comes on the other side of closure, which is peace.
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And who doesn't want to make space for peace?
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If you're letting go of perfectionism, you're making space for development and learning.
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And that's important for any of us, all of us, at all stages of life. if you're letting go of.
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A role that you play, you know, at work or a specific job or job duties or responsibilities,
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you're making space for something else that could be more challenging,
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but also more rewarding for you.
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Because on the other end of a lot of the challenges that we have in our professional
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life are a lot of lessons learned and rewards.
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So here are some ways that you can really put letting go into practice.
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And here are a couple of practical tools.
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Again, I'm going over these because I know them.
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I have utilized them in the past. And it is time for me to utilize them again.
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So it's like the coach coaching the client, but then the coach is also taking
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their own, but they're also coaching themselves, right?
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So that's what I'm doing in this moment, being totally transparent with you.
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So the first thing is an awareness check, asking yourself, what am I holding
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on to that's costing me peace?
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And for me, I know there is a particular relationship.
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I'm not even really sure if it's still much of a friendship,
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but I know I have been the one who's been putting in the effort and holding on.
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The second thing, name that attachment.
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Name that thing that you are holding on to. Is it an outcome?
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Is it a person? Is it an identity? Is it an expectation?
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Is it something else? And for me in this example, it is a person.
00:19:52.098 --> 00:19:57.378
So I'm going to name it and be very specific about it.
00:19:57.738 --> 00:20:03.558
You can implement what's called a somatic release, breath work,
00:20:03.858 --> 00:20:08.578
movement, journaling emotions without editing what you've written.
00:20:08.918 --> 00:20:13.358
So the breath work can be slow exhales, right?
00:20:13.798 --> 00:20:19.438
Slow inhales, excuse me. And then you emphasize or draw out your exhales.
00:20:20.386 --> 00:20:26.326
It can be movement. Walking is good for so many things. Stretching is good for so many things.
00:20:26.906 --> 00:20:32.946
Exercising, riding a bike, swimming, pickleball, tennis, whatever it is that you like to do.
00:20:33.186 --> 00:20:36.486
That is also an example of a somatic release.
00:20:36.926 --> 00:20:42.706
And then journaling your emotions without editing, meaning that if it comes
00:20:42.706 --> 00:20:50.246
out and it sounds like anger, what you have written has a tone of resentment that's already in it.
00:20:50.386 --> 00:20:54.406
Whatever it may be, you don't cross anything out, you don't edit it,
00:20:54.646 --> 00:20:57.046
you allow it to stand on its own.
00:20:57.226 --> 00:21:03.886
And the beautiful thing about somatic releases is that they empower us and give
00:21:03.886 --> 00:21:10.326
us kind of the energy that we need in order to then put what we're doing into
00:21:10.326 --> 00:21:13.846
practice to actually let things go.
00:21:14.206 --> 00:21:17.626
And that's the purpose of a somatic release.
00:21:17.626 --> 00:21:20.566
Another thing that you can do
00:21:20.566 --> 00:21:25.786
is a cognitive reframe and I've been talking about different examples of reframes
00:21:25.786 --> 00:21:34.666
throughout this talk today but here is another example so we think about replacing
00:21:34.666 --> 00:21:39.046
something so you might say I need this to work.
00:21:40.155 --> 00:21:44.295
But instead of controlling it, right, because in this example,
00:21:44.555 --> 00:21:47.195
there's a need to control something.
00:21:47.395 --> 00:21:53.175
So instead of I need this relationship and this friendship to work out because
00:21:53.175 --> 00:21:57.375
we've been friends for 20 years, what I'm going to replace that with is,
00:21:57.555 --> 00:22:00.015
you know what, I can handle whatever happens.
00:22:00.455 --> 00:22:08.355
If our friendship ends, we no longer talk. That's OK. I'm going to be OK. And I can handle that.
00:22:09.095 --> 00:22:15.475
Another thing that you can do are just micro practices of letting go.
00:22:15.935 --> 00:22:24.575
So using small moments where you let go or release in order to then build yourself
00:22:24.575 --> 00:22:31.415
up for a larger release or a macro release or letting go practice that you need to do.
00:22:31.675 --> 00:22:37.475
So a couple of examples, letting go in small moments can be just being right in a conversation.
00:22:38.135 --> 00:22:43.575
I don't think I struggle with this one too much But I do know people and have
00:22:43.575 --> 00:22:48.815
coached people before who are like I always have to have the last word if I know i'm right.
00:22:49.095 --> 00:22:53.855
I can't let it go I can't excuse it. There's no grace The other person needs
00:22:53.855 --> 00:22:58.995
to know that I am right and I find this most evident in.
00:23:00.055 --> 00:23:07.835
Workspaces and in romantic relationships But you can use that as a micro letting
00:23:07.835 --> 00:23:13.795
go practice The next time I have a disagreement with someone The next time, you know,
00:23:13.995 --> 00:23:17.815
where I'm having a conversation with someone It goes left,
00:23:18.475 --> 00:23:24.415
It's not about me being right And I'm going to be okay with not being right
00:23:24.415 --> 00:23:29.995
in the conversation And just letting it go Walking away, hanging up the phone Whatever it may be.
00:23:31.423 --> 00:23:37.603
Another example of letting go in a small moment can be replaying something that you said.
00:23:37.783 --> 00:23:42.463
I do this over and over. So I'm in a situation, I'm in a work meeting,
00:23:42.783 --> 00:23:48.763
whatever it may be, a business meeting or conversing with someone and I say
00:23:48.763 --> 00:23:52.403
something and then I immediately go, why did you say that?
00:23:53.103 --> 00:23:57.883
And then I might try to course correct to explain myself, apologize in the moment,
00:23:58.063 --> 00:24:02.123
change the subject, say something else to lighten the mood, whatever it may be.
00:24:02.683 --> 00:24:07.283
But then later, I'm replaying what I said over and over and over again,
00:24:07.323 --> 00:24:14.103
and I'm beating myself up, letting go of that small moment and just saying,
00:24:14.183 --> 00:24:16.503
you know what, I'm not even going to think about this anymore.
00:24:16.763 --> 00:24:19.423
It is what it is. It was what it was.
00:24:19.783 --> 00:24:23.663
Doesn't make me a bad person. I'm going to move on. that's
00:24:23.663 --> 00:24:26.823
a practice that can help you to build up to
00:24:26.823 --> 00:24:29.803
something that's bigger that you can let go
00:24:29.803 --> 00:24:40.043
when we think about letting go here are a few other things to consider the more
00:24:40.043 --> 00:24:46.803
tightly you hold on to something the more tension you create and you are typically
00:24:46.803 --> 00:24:49.543
the one who has to deal with that tension.
00:24:50.661 --> 00:24:56.981
On the flip side of that, the more you release, the more clarity and alignment you gain.
00:24:57.281 --> 00:25:01.441
So which one is better for you? I know which one is better for me.
00:25:01.981 --> 00:25:08.361
I'd rather have less tension, more clarity, more alignment, and more peace.
00:25:09.081 --> 00:25:16.081
Letting go is not passive. It is an active decision to trust yourself over your fears.
00:25:16.081 --> 00:25:18.781
That means not worrying about being in
00:25:18.781 --> 00:25:22.661
control not giving in to the anxiety not
00:25:22.661 --> 00:25:25.521
holding on because you don't want to disappoint you don't
00:25:25.521 --> 00:25:28.541
want there to be anger it's not passive at
00:25:28.541 --> 00:25:33.901
all and I think that's also a common misconception but it's an active decision
00:25:33.901 --> 00:25:40.401
that says I trust myself over these fears that I'm having and I respect myself
00:25:40.401 --> 00:25:46.881
enough to know that it is time to let this thing go or release it and I'm going to do that.
00:25:47.081 --> 00:25:51.241
So it is not a passive action at all.
00:25:51.361 --> 00:26:00.041
Okay so as we come to a close I have convinced myself and decided that I'm going
00:26:00.041 --> 00:26:05.821
to move forward with letting go of this particular friendship that I've been
00:26:05.821 --> 00:26:10.221
talking about and really I might not have to do much to let it go,
00:26:10.361 --> 00:26:16.861
considering the fact that we don't, you know, talk or converse or engage as
00:26:16.861 --> 00:26:20.641
often as we used to just every now and then.
00:26:20.761 --> 00:26:25.561
And it feels very surface a lot of the times, like just the usual exchange.
00:26:25.661 --> 00:26:27.921
How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. That kind of thing.
00:26:28.141 --> 00:26:30.321
So it could just be for me.
00:26:30.861 --> 00:26:34.581
Well, I think it will be just not reaching out anymore.
00:26:35.001 --> 00:26:40.101
You know, I can pray for this person because I pray for everyone that I love
00:26:40.101 --> 00:26:41.601
and I'll continue to do that.
00:26:41.921 --> 00:26:44.101
I can continue to wish them well.
00:26:45.548 --> 00:26:50.368
But we don't actually have to be friends anymore.
00:26:50.848 --> 00:26:58.568
And so with that being said, for you all, again, if you're in a situation where
00:26:58.568 --> 00:27:00.308
you've been thinking about something,
00:27:01.028 --> 00:27:05.348
someone, whatever it may be that you need to let go, something that you may
00:27:05.348 --> 00:27:10.648
need to release, and you have listened to this episode, as always,
00:27:10.768 --> 00:27:12.868
I hope that there's something that resonates.
00:27:12.868 --> 00:27:16.448
But I want you to think about.
00:27:17.974 --> 00:27:24.654
That question, right? That assessment. What are you holding on to that's costing you peace?
00:27:25.474 --> 00:27:30.434
Naming the attachment. Is it an outcome, person, identity, or expectation?
00:27:31.334 --> 00:27:33.814
Possibly doing a somatic release.
00:27:34.814 --> 00:27:39.714
Working with the cognitive reframes, so the way that you think about things,
00:27:39.854 --> 00:27:44.114
reframing them, and then doing some micro letting go practices.
00:27:44.614 --> 00:27:49.594
And I would love to hear from you to hear how it's going, how things went.
00:27:49.774 --> 00:27:55.834
And I will share if you reach out to me, you know, how it's going when it comes
00:27:55.834 --> 00:28:00.174
to letting go of this friendship and what it feels like and all that kind of stuff.
00:28:00.174 --> 00:28:07.094
You can always reach out to me at letsthrivepodcast at gmail.com or send me
00:28:07.094 --> 00:28:08.814
a message through Instagram.
00:28:09.374 --> 00:28:13.734
Don't really check the Facebook messages as much, but you can send an Instagram
00:28:13.734 --> 00:28:17.934
message through the Let's Thrive Podcast IG account.
00:28:18.694 --> 00:28:23.094
As always, I wish you all much peace,
00:28:23.554 --> 00:28:30.074
much love, much success when it comes to your wellness journeys and in particular
00:28:30.074 --> 00:28:37.294
now when it comes to assessing and understanding the need to let go and release
00:28:37.294 --> 00:28:42.434
and putting that into practice if that's something that will help you and serve you well.
00:28:42.434 --> 00:28:49.474
Until next time may you be at peace may you be well may you find joy and rest
00:28:49.474 --> 00:28:56.614
and I look forward to connecting with you all again thank you very much and bye for now.