אודות פרק זה
What does it mean to become the "fixer" in your family, and what happens when fixing stops working?
In this episode, KL Wells sits down with Justin Burgy, an author from Youngstown, Ohio, whose novel Not My Brother's Keeper grew from his family's generational experience with addiction. Justin first watched his father struggle with cocaine addiction. Roughly a decade later, he found himself confronting addiction again when his younger brother, the sibling he describes as his "shadow" growing up, began traveling a similar path.
Episode Summary
Justin and KL explore an experience many families affected by addiction recognize: beginning with advice, financial help, and attempts to solve the problem, then gradually realizing that love does not provide control over another person's choices. Justin shares how his understanding of helping and enabling changed over time and why he eventually learned to love his brother from a distance.
Their conversation also explores the enormous strain addiction can place on an entire family. Justin reflects on supporting his mother through his brother's addiction while she was battling breast cancer, the night his brother nearly died from an overdose in her living room, and the guilt and helplessness he carried afterward. Writing eventually became one way for Justin to process those experiences and give language to emotions he struggled to express elsewhere.
Key Discussion Points
- Growing up in a family already affected by addiction
- Watching addiction move from one generation of the family to another
- Justin's role as the "fixer" sibling and the responsibility that came with it
- Why advice and reasoning may have little impact during active addiction
- How genuine attempts to help can gradually become enabling
- Giving money and other forms of support before understanding their potential consequences
- The repeated cycle of treatment, relapse, and returning to treatment
- Recognizing that someone you love may not yet be ready for recovery
- Supporting his mother through her son's addiction while she was also facing breast cancer
- The night Justin's brother nearly died from an overdose in their mother's living room
- Grieving for someone who is still alive
- Reaching the point where Justin realized he could not fix or control his brother's addiction
- Learning to love someone from a distance without viewing that distance as abandonment
- The guilt that can accompany stepping back
- Writing and storytelling as an outlet for helplessness and unresolved emotions
- Discovering a wider community after speaking openly about family addiction
- Why rebuilding trust after repeated relapse takes time
- Remaining open to relationships even after trust has been broken
Some Questions I Ask
- What did helping look like for you in the beginning, before you understood what you were dealing with?
- Was there a point when you realized you couldn't fix or control what was happening?
- How do you continue loving someone from afar?
- What did you learn about yourself while trying to save someone you couldn't save?
- How do you carry the guilt associated with the times you needed to pull away?
In This Episode, You Will Learn
- Why reasoning with someone during active addiction may not create the change families hope for
- How enabling can begin from a place of genuine love and concern
- Why repeated treatment and relapse can be emotionally exhausting for the entire family
- What someone's lack of readiness for recovery can look like to the people who love them
- Why creating distance can sometimes become part of loving someone through addiction
- How family members can experience grief even while their loved one is still alive
- Why speaking openly about addiction can reveal that families are less alone than they may believe
- How writing and storytelling can provide an outlet for difficult emotions
- Why boundaries do not have to be rooted in punishment
- Why trust often needs to be rebuilt gradually after addiction and repeated relapse
Resources
Not My Brother's Keeper by Justin Burgy
Notable Insight From The Episode
Sometimes loving someone means accepting that you cannot be the person who fixes what they are going through.
For family members who have spent years trying to help, stepping back can bring grief and guilt of its own. Justin's experience explores the possibility that distance and love can coexist, and that setting a boundary does not necessarily mean closing the door on the person behind the addiction.
About the Guest
Justin Burgy is an author from Youngstown, Ohio, whose writing explores addiction, family relationships, empathy, and the complicated experience of loving someone through substance use.
His novel, Not My Brother's Keeper, draws from his family's generational experience with addiction, including his experiences watching both his father and younger brother struggle with substance use. Through his writing, Justin gives voice to the perspective of family members who may find themselves caught between wanting to help and recognizing the limits of what they can control.
Justin also writes about addiction and family life through his blog, Evolve From Empathy, where he shares reflections shaped by his experience loving a brother through active addiction.
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