The Intellectualization Reflex and How To Break It

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Hello, friends.
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Glad you're here with me today.
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I'm going to talk about a behavioral pattern that I know personally, not just professionally.
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It's one that I've seen in leaders, high performers, coaches, trainers, managers, entrepreneurs, and honestly in myself more times than I care to admit.
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It's what I call the intellectualization reflex.
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That moment when something hurts, but instead of feeling it, you start explaining it.
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You analyze, categorize it, try to understand the pattern, build a framework around it, turn the emotional experience into a concept that you can hold at a safer distance.
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Here's the tricky part.
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It can look really healthy from the outside, can sound mature, thoughtful, even emotionally intelligent.
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You might say things like, Well, I understand why this is happening.
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I can see this pattern.
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I know where this comes from.
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I recognize that trigger.
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Well, I'm processing.
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Sometimes that intellect intellectualization is true.
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Sometimes insight can be the doorway to growth.
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And sometimes understanding the pattern helps us regulate, respond differently, and make better choices.
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But sometimes, and if we're being honest about this, insight can become the hiding place.
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We use the understanding to substitute for feeling.
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And that's what I want to sit with today.
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Because in leadership, relationships, and behavior change, there's a huge difference between being able to explain what is happening and being able to stay present with what is happening.
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Those aren't the same skill.
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Now I've spent a lot of my life developing the first one.
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I can analyze behavior all day and look at a conversation and start seeing patterns, power dynamics, attachments, defensive responses, unmet needs, triggers, drives, etc.
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It's helped me.
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It's helped me build programs, coach leaders, facilitate hard conversations, and make sense of human behavior in ways that are genuinely useful.
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But if I'm not careful, that same gift becomes a wall.
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Because the minute something gets emotionally uncomfortable, my brain wants to go upstairs.
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It wants to get to the executive suite, start holding a strategy meeting.
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What's happening?
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What's the pattern?
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What's the psychological mess mechanisms?
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What's the lesson?
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What does this mean?
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These aren't bad questions.
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They're often great questions.
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And they can cut, they can come with some uh what is perceived as emotional maturity.
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Sometimes the first question is not always, what does this mean?
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Sometimes it's what am I feeling?
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For some of us, that's a much harder question because feelings can get really messy and they don't always make sense.
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They don't always respect the version of ourselves we're trying to present to the world.
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Feelings don't always line up with our identity as the calm one or the capable one, the strong one, the teacher, the fixer, the leader, the person who knows what to do.
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It's much more comfortable to say, I'm noticing an activated threat response than it is to say, I feel scared.
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It's much more comfortable to say, there appears to be a values misalignment than it is to say, I feel hurt.
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It's more comfortable to say, this is probably an old pattern being triggered, than it is to say something like, I feel lonely.
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And that's where intellectualization reflex gets dangerous because it lets us sound evolved while staying disconnected.
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I want to say that again.
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It lets us sound evolved while staying disconnected.
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And leaders do this all the time.
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We do it in meetings, in conflict, with feedback.
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We do it when we're feeling overwhelmed.
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We do it when, especially when we're afraid of failing, and maybe even when somebody challenges us.
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You've probably seen this or experienced it.
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A team is tired, they're frustrated, they're discouraged, maybe they're anxious about change, and the leader just keeps explaining the strategy.
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More logic, more data, more rationale, more context.
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And the team gets cold.
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Not because the leader's wrong, the leader may be completely right, but they're answering an emotional problem with an intellectual response.
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And that usually doesn't land for the team because people don't feel seen by an explanation.
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They feel seen by acknowledgement.
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There's a difference between saying, here's why this decision had to happen, and saying, I know this decision is frustrating.
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I know some of you are exhausted.
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I know this feels like more change in a season that's already asked a lot from you.
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I want to explain the reasoning, but before I do, I want to acknowledge the weight of it.
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Do you see the difference there?
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Now that's not weakness, that's leadership.
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Because sometimes people can't hear the explanation until they feel that you have recognized the experience.
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This is true in teams, in relationships, and it's true inside of ourselves.
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Sometimes we can't even learn lessons until we've actually honored the feelings that came with them.
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I'll give you a simple example.
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Let's say something happens at work.
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Maybe you get excluded from a conversation you think you should have been a part of.
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Now, the intellectualization reflex kicks in fast.
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You might say, well, maybe they didn't need me there.
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Maybe this is just an efficiency thing.
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I don't want to make assumptions.
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This probably connects to role clarity.
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It's all good.
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Maybe all that's true.
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But underneath it, there's probably a feeling.
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Maybe it's embarrassment, fear, disappointment.
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Maybe it's a little this thing, do I matter?
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And if you skip that feeling and go straight to analysis, it doesn't disappear.
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It goes underground.
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It leaks.
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It leaks into tone, distance, overexplaining, sarcasm, and oftentimes into resentment.
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May even leak into that overly polished email you rewrote nine times because you're trying to sound calm while your nervous system is absolutely not calm.
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That's the problem with unfelt feelings.
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They don't vanish, they become behavior.
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Let me say that again.
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They don't vanish, they become behavior.
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You've probably heard me say if you're not talking it out, you're acting it out.
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That's the line for today.
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Unfelt feelings become behavior.
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They become the sharp comments, the late night spiral, the unnecessary meeting, the passive-aggressive reply, the withdrawal, the overfunctioning, the need to prove, the need to control, the need to win the conversation, the need to be right.
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Most of us don't look at those behaviors and say, oh, that might be grief or fear or shame or loneliness.
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We instead just say, I'm being logical.
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Sometimes we're not really that logical.
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Sometimes we're being armored.
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And I say that with love because I know the armor very, very well.
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I know the part of me that wants to be competent more than it wants to be tender.
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I know the part of me that would rather teach the emotion than feel it.
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I know the part of me that can build a whole model around a wound and still avoid touching the wound itself.
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And I don't think the answer is to shame that part of us.
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That doesn't help.
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The better question that we need to be asking is what is that part trying to protect?
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Because intellectualization usually starts as protection.
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For many people, analysis is safety.
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You can understand something, you can manage it.
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If you can manage it, you can explain it.
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If you can explain it, you can predict it.
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If you can predict it, you can manage and control it.
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And it gets into this circle.
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So I don't want to demonize this behavior.
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It's often connected to survival, adaptation.
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It's sometimes perceived as that strength.
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There's a reason high performers often do this.
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There's a reason that leaders do this.
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It works right up until it doesn't.
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At some point, the tool that helped you survive can start blocking the connection you actually crave, need, and want.
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That's true personally, and it's really true professionally.
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A leader who only intellectualizes will often struggle with emotional trust.
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The team may respect them, even admire them.
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They may even think this person's smart, that person knows what they're doing, but they may not feel fully safe with them.
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Because when the room gets emotional and the leader goes conceptual, when someone's hurt and the leader explains intent, someone's frustrated and the leader explains constraints, someone's afraid and the leader explains the plan.
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None of these are bad, but they're incomplete.
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Relationship management requires both.
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We need the head and the heart.
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We need analysis and acknowledgement, the model and the moment.
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We need the ability to say, here's what's happening, and also here's what this feels like.
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That's what makes this hard.
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Because many of us are not lacking insight.
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We're drowning in insight.
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We've listened to the podcast, read the books, taken the assessments, know the language, know the frameworks.
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We know the vocabulary of growth.
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But sometimes growth is not another concept.
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Growth is 30 seconds of honesty.
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Growth is admitting, wow, that really hurt.
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Sometimes growth is saying, I'm scared.
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This matters to me more than I expected or more than I wanted it to.
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Sometimes it's saying, I don't have a clear explanation yet.
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I just know that I feel affected.
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I can feel very strangely vulnerable.
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Especially if you're used to doing the especially if you're used to being the one who intellectualizes to understand it.
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So what do we do with this?
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How do we work with intellectualization reflex without throwing away the strength inside of it?
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I'm going to offer a few practical moves.
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These are ones that I've incorporated into my own leadership habits over the past six months.
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And they've been really effective and they're pretty simple.
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The first one is simply naming.
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Just catch it.
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Name the reflex.
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You don't have to fix it immediately.
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You just have to turn it into something that is at the level of conscious awareness.
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So notice, hey, I'm explaining this instead of feeling it.
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That sentence alone can help create some space.
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Not as a self-attack.
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This isn't demonizing ourselves.
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It's just an awareness.
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Once you can name the behavior, you're no longer fully inside of it.
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You're creating a little bit of distance.
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The second move is to ask the body question.
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Not what do I think?
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If you're an intellectualizer like me, you probably already know what you think.
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You might have a whole TED talk already in your head on it.
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Ask something different.
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What am I feeling in my body right now?
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Is my chest tight, stomach heavy, jaw clenched?
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Is my face heating up?
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Am I feeling restless?
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Am I feeling numb?
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Do I feel tired?
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This is something that I've been working on internally is somatic perception of emotions and feelings.
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And the body often tells the truth even before the story in our mind does.
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For people who intellectualize the body can be the back door into emotional honesty.
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We have to pause long enough to feel it and to allow ourselves to actually engage what's happening inside me.
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Now the third move is to use simpler emotional language.
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I know that sounds basic, but it's really powerful.
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Instead of saying I'm experiencing a reactive pattern connected to perceived uh disconnection, this is really academic.
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Try, I feel hurt.
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I feel scared, I feel overwhelmed, I feel disappointed, I feel embarrassed, I feel alone.
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When I've started translating these intellectual concepts into the most simplest of feelings, one often that pops into my head right out of the gate.
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It's really interesting because that simplified language makes it a lot harder to hide behind the intellectualization.
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It does bring you a lot closer to the truth.
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Now, the fourth move here is to pause before you try solving it or meaning making out of it.
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Okay, this is a big one.
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When something happens, if you're anything like me, you want to rush to solve it, you want to find the solution, you want to get to the end point, you want to be able to help whoever it is or manage whatever it is, that makes a lot of sense.
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But here's the issue: don't rush to the lesson.
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Don't rush into your next framework or your polished insight.
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Give yourself a moment to simply say, this is affecting me.
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That's it.
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This is affecting me.
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You don't have to justify it.
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You don't have to prove it.
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You don't have to turn it into, you know, some kind of ordeal.
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You just let it sit there and let it be real for a moment.
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Feeling those things is an active practice of growth, especially for those of you that are intellectualizers.
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The fifth move here is especially important for leaders.
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Acknowledgement.
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Acknowledge before you try to explain it.
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Acknowledge before you try to solve it.
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If somebody brings you something emotional, start with acknowledgement.
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You can try things like, I can see why this would be frustrating.
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Well, it makes a lot of sense.
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I hear that this landed harder than what you expected.
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I can tell this really matters to you.
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I'm going to tell a little story here, and it's about a time where I was participating in a different behavioral program with one of my mentors, Dr.
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John.
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He's an amazing guy.
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I've learned so much from him.
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But I remember when I took the behavioral styles profile from PCS Global, it was something where I measured out very, very high on control.
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So I like to be in control.
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I like to solve issues.
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I like to get through to it.
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Now, this was quite some time ago.
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So forgive me of my errors here.
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Uh, but it was really interesting.
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I was sitting in there and I was the only person in a room that didn't have a PhD in psychology.
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So I was already feeling a little bit of uh, you know, what is it, imposter syndrome.
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So I'm feeling that I'm also one of the younger people in the room, and it was, I felt like I had something to prove.
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And I look at that now and I kind of laugh at myself about it, but the reality is, is I really was.
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I was I was kind of young and budding and trying to make a name for myself.
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Well, I'm paired up in an exercise which happens to be a uh role-playing exercise.
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And I have a script that says JB Yourself.
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And my partner in this is my partner, and they're sharing with me about how awful the day was.
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And they go through it, and they're just like, oh, Jay, today, you know, the kids were crazy, and I didn't get to pick them up on time, and I didn't get dinner done, and I didn't get uh, you know, I didn't get the laundry done.
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All I wanted was to take a bath, and it was really frustrating.
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And they're sharing all of this about their no good, horrible, bad day.
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So I'm waiting for my turn to talk.
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And yes, I use that phrase very specifically.
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I'm waiting for my turn to talk.
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They finish, and I, you know, my my script says JB yourself.
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So I launch into it.
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Here's what we're gonna do.
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We're gonna get pizza, we're gonna pick up this from the dry cleaning, we're gonna do this, we're gonna drop this off.
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Here's how we're gonna handle the kids, here's what we're gonna do.
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And I go through the litany of solutions.
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Now, by the time I finish, I can look across and I can actually still see back in this.
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And the person's face is just like kind of surprised.
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And I'm thinking to myself, I crushed this.
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I just solved all their problems in 30 seconds or less.
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We go back into the main room, Dr.
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John's facilitating the conversation.
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My partner raises their hand and I'm waiting for it, right?
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Uh Jay's the best.
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Jay's such a creative thinker.
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He helped me through all of these different things.
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Well, of course, that's not what happens.
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The response is, I don't think Jay listens.
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Uh, I was caught off guard.
00:17:11.769 --> 00:17:14.170
I felt like I got punched right in the stomach, right?
00:17:14.490 --> 00:17:21.850
In this room where I'm trying to uh be a professional and be perceived as a professional, I just got dressed down.
00:17:22.009 --> 00:17:25.930
And it obviously wasn't a dressing down, but that was how it felt.
00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:28.650
I sat there and I listened.
00:17:28.730 --> 00:17:31.210
And I'm thinking to myself, how could they think I didn't listen?
00:17:31.370 --> 00:17:35.289
I solved all their problems, I gave them solutions, I gave them ideas.
00:17:35.690 --> 00:17:38.090
But the reality is, is I wasn't listening.
00:17:38.250 --> 00:17:40.730
I wasn't listening for the human side of it.
00:17:40.890 --> 00:17:44.889
Now, I did get some chance to redeem myself.
00:17:45.210 --> 00:17:49.049
Sent into a different uh uh different role-playing exercise.
00:17:49.210 --> 00:17:51.129
This time I was given a script.
00:17:51.450 --> 00:17:57.369
And this script was so far outside of mine.
00:17:57.450 --> 00:17:59.930
It was very similar to some of the sentences I just shared.
00:18:00.009 --> 00:18:01.930
But, you know, it's a very similar scenario.
00:18:02.089 --> 00:18:08.569
My partner shares with me all these challenges, and my responses are limited to tell me more about this.
00:18:08.730 --> 00:18:12.329
I want to understand the impact before we go any further.
00:18:12.569 --> 00:18:16.170
I'd really like to understand how you got there.
00:18:16.410 --> 00:18:18.250
Well, of course that would be frustrating.
00:18:18.410 --> 00:18:21.849
If I was in that position, I'd really be upset about that too.
00:18:22.410 --> 00:18:27.129
Okay, as I'm delivering my lines, a little piece of me inside is dying.
00:18:27.289 --> 00:18:31.210
I think I'm failing, I'm thinking I've screwed all this up again.
00:18:31.450 --> 00:18:33.849
We go back into the main session afterwards.
00:18:34.009 --> 00:18:36.089
I'm waiting for the next gut punch.
00:18:36.250 --> 00:18:37.930
My partner raises their hand, Dr.
00:18:38.009 --> 00:18:43.769
John calls on them, and it was, I really felt empowered by Jay in our conversation.
00:18:44.009 --> 00:18:46.329
I throw my hands up in the air and like, I don't get it.
00:18:46.410 --> 00:18:47.849
Tell me, help me understand.
00:18:48.009 --> 00:18:52.650
But this and behold, the power of acknowledgement.
00:18:53.369 --> 00:18:57.450
Sometimes we just need to acknowledge the emotion.
00:18:57.769 --> 00:19:04.809
We want to solve the problem, but we rush to explain intent, frameworks, ideas.
00:19:05.369 --> 00:19:16.410
The impact that we can actually create is seeing and hearing somebody, okay, before we try to bring in context, before we try to bring in strategy.
00:19:16.809 --> 00:19:30.569
If we do that in the moment, if we can actually spend some time acknowledging the emotion as well as the situation, it puts us in a place of actually understanding human behavior in its entirety.
00:19:30.809 --> 00:19:37.129
The situation, the context, the feelings, the thoughts, the ideas, and then we can move forward.
00:19:37.450 --> 00:19:43.129
Now, that takes us to our sixth move, which is creating replacement behaviors.
00:19:43.289 --> 00:19:46.730
Now remember, behavior change is not just about stopping something.
00:19:46.889 --> 00:19:48.889
Oftentimes we need to replace it.
00:19:49.129 --> 00:19:56.569
So if your default is to just explain, intellectualize, we're going to replace it with a two-step response.
00:19:56.809 --> 00:19:59.289
Acknowledge, then analyze.
00:19:59.609 --> 00:20:01.609
Feel, then frame.
00:20:02.089 --> 00:20:04.650
Human, then the strategic.
00:20:04.889 --> 00:20:11.690
For example, instead of here's why that happened, try, wow, I can understand that that was frustrating.
00:20:11.930 --> 00:20:14.730
Would you like to explore why that might have happened?
00:20:15.450 --> 00:20:23.129
Instead of something of that wasn't my intent, try, well, I can see how it might have landed that way.
00:20:23.289 --> 00:20:24.809
My intent was very different.
00:20:24.970 --> 00:20:27.690
Would you be open to hearing my clarification?
00:20:28.250 --> 00:20:35.129
Now, instead of you're misunderstanding the decision, try something like, I hear your concern.
00:20:35.210 --> 00:20:38.809
Let me walk through that decision with the concern in mind.
00:20:39.049 --> 00:20:41.769
Small differences, big impacts here.
00:20:41.849 --> 00:20:44.490
Because the goal is not to abandon analysis.
00:20:44.650 --> 00:20:46.730
The goal is to put it in the right order.
00:20:46.889 --> 00:20:50.490
Acknowledgement, explanation, solution.
00:20:50.809 --> 00:20:52.170
That order matters.
00:20:52.410 --> 00:20:56.329
Now, if you're listening to this and thinking, yeah, but what if the person's wrong?
00:20:56.650 --> 00:20:57.529
Maybe they are.
00:20:57.769 --> 00:20:59.049
People misunderstand things.
00:20:59.210 --> 00:21:00.250
People overreact.
00:21:00.329 --> 00:21:02.410
They bring old wounds into new rooms.
00:21:02.490 --> 00:21:03.609
They make assumptions.
00:21:03.769 --> 00:21:06.329
Sometimes they hear tones that weren't intended.
00:21:06.490 --> 00:21:08.170
That's going to happen.
00:21:08.490 --> 00:21:10.809
Acknowledgement is not agreement.
00:21:11.049 --> 00:21:23.049
Just in the situation that I explained before for my scenario, I wasn't agreeing with all the challenges or issues that the person said by simply saying something along the lines of, I can understand how that would be frustrating.
00:21:23.369 --> 00:21:30.569
What you're doing is you're acknowledging the experience, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to agree with that interpretation.
00:21:30.809 --> 00:21:38.009
Sometimes you can simply say, I can understand why that might have felt dismissive without saying I was being dismissive.
00:21:38.250 --> 00:21:45.289
You can say, I hear that this created a lot of stress without saying my decision was wrong.
00:21:45.609 --> 00:21:52.329
You can understand why somebody gets frustrated without giving up your responsibility or your ownership.
00:21:52.490 --> 00:21:57.930
Now that distinction really matters because acknowledgement is not a surrender, it's connection.
00:21:58.089 --> 00:22:00.889
It's a connection that makes correction possible.
00:22:01.529 --> 00:22:03.129
That's leadership.
00:22:03.369 --> 00:22:04.730
So let me bring this home.
00:22:04.970 --> 00:22:08.089
The intellectualization reflex is not a bad thing.
00:22:08.490 --> 00:22:15.450
Something that we have inside of ourselves, and it's often something that is productive or gets something done.
00:22:15.529 --> 00:22:17.690
It's not something to just rip out of us.
00:22:17.849 --> 00:22:19.849
It's a tool and it's powerful.
00:22:20.089 --> 00:22:28.410
But if you use that tool for every emotional job, you're eventually going to start trying to hammer everything because it's going to look like a nail.
00:22:28.569 --> 00:22:31.769
And some moments are not asking to be explained.
00:22:32.009 --> 00:22:34.009
They're simply asking to be felt.
00:22:34.250 --> 00:22:37.049
Other moments are asking to be named honestly.
00:22:37.289 --> 00:22:40.730
And others asking for presence before perspective.
00:22:40.889 --> 00:22:42.490
So your call to action is this.
00:22:42.650 --> 00:22:48.490
The next time that you feel yourself building out the solution or the framework too quickly, pause.
00:22:48.730 --> 00:22:50.650
Ask yourself, what am I feeling?
00:22:50.889 --> 00:22:55.210
Before you teach, ask, have I actually touched this?
00:22:55.450 --> 00:23:00.250
Before you start defending yourself, ask, have I actually acknowledged the impact?
00:23:00.490 --> 00:23:05.450
Before you turn the wound into some kind of wisdom, give it a moment to be a wound.
00:23:05.609 --> 00:23:08.170
That's not weakness, that's integration.
00:23:08.329 --> 00:23:11.690
It's emotional maturity and leadership at its finest.
00:23:11.930 --> 00:23:16.410
Leadership's not just about what you can explain, it's about what you can stay present with.
00:23:16.569 --> 00:23:20.809
So this week, don't chase another insight before you start practicing honesty.
00:23:21.049 --> 00:23:26.889
Catch the reflex, name the feeling, acknowledge the impact, then bring in the analysis.
00:23:27.049 --> 00:23:28.410
Try it in that order.
00:23:28.650 --> 00:23:34.329
Sometimes the most powerful behavior change is not doing more, it's being honest with ourselves sooner.
00:23:34.490 --> 00:23:36.970
And that, my friends, is how we shape behavior.
00:23:37.210 --> 00:23:40.889
So thank you so much for joining us on this episode of the Talent Forge.
00:23:40.970 --> 00:23:45.210
We look forward to shifting behaviors with you the next time we're together.
00:23:45.369 --> 00:23:46.490
Thanks a lot.