00:00:00Virtuous procrastination
00:02:21When virtue becomes an avoidance tactic
00:04:49Other flavors of avoidance
00:05:54How to shift out of virtuous procrastination
00:06:58Reconnect with what matters most
00:08:03I want to talk to you
אודות פרק זה
Are you procrastinating more than you think you are? In this episode, I’m talking about virtuous procrastination – the act of avoiding discomfort, uncertainty, or purposeful risk by busying yourself with work that appears responsible, generous, and good. Volunteering. Overcommitting. Over-preparing. It looks admirable, but sometimes it’s just a sneaky distraction from what’s most important to you.
***
I’m your host, Sarah Mikutel, a communication and mindset coach. My work is about helping people like you share your voice, strengthen your relationships, and have more fun.
As an American expat living in the U.K., I value curiosity, courage, and joy. A few things I love: wandering European streets in search of the best vegetarian meal, practicing Italian, and helping my clients design lives that feel rich and meaningful.
If you're ready to stop procrastinating so you can live the life you truly want – let’s talk.
Do you ever go blank or start rambling when someone puts you on the spot?
I created a free Conversation Cheat Sheet with simple formulas you can use so you can respond with clarity, whether you’re in a meeting or just talking with friends.
Download it at sarahmikutel.com/blanknomore and start feeling more confident in your conversations today.
אנגלית
ארצות הברית
הראה הערות 🔗
תעתיק 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:09.439
Last episode, I talked about the quiet cost of things are fine when we let our desire for comfort lull us into inaction.
00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.160
Today I want to explore a similar thread.
00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:14.640
I call it virtuous procrastination.
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:28.079
Virtuous procrastination is the act of avoiding discomfort, uncertainty, or purposeful risk by busying yourself with work that appears responsible, generous, or admirable.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:30.800
Or at least it feels like you're not doing anything wrong.
00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:33.679
And it might be something that you're not even conscious of.
00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:40.719
For example, when I have to pack in the past, that was the last thing I wanted to do.
00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:52.159
So maybe I will start to clean, or who I'm I'm kidding, I would probably be more likely to start making a lasagna, even though I'm about to leave for a week or a month or something like that.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:54.320
But I wasn't doing anything bad per se.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:00:56.399
I was being productive.
00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:00.079
Just not the kind of productive that I wanted to be.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:07.760
This came up with a client, we'll call her Julie, who was telling me about her new volunteer work at a food pantry.
00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:11.680
And as she's as she's telling me this, I'm thinking, oh wow, that's very kind of you.
00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:15.040
I even said that's what a generous way to spend your time.
00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:18.640
But as we're talking, Julie said, you know what?
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:23.840
I think I'm volunteering right now, so I don't have to work on my business.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:26.640
And this was great awareness on her part.
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:31.680
She recognized her avoidance tendencies, and that's a big thing we were working on together.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:37.359
She recognized that her avoidance was at play and keeping her stuck and stressed.
00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:44.079
Virtuous procrastination is the sneakiest type of avoidance because it doesn't look like avoidance.
00:01:44.319 --> 00:01:47.040
You're not binge watching or doom scrolling.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:51.439
You are helping or doing something good, you're contributing.
00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:53.439
And doing good is important.
00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:56.879
Being useful, being of service, giving back.
00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.879
That's part of what it means to be a decent human being.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:02.480
A good stoic.
00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:11.680
But it's also important to recognize when doing good has become a way to avoid doing the thing that matters most to you.
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:13.919
And that's what I want to talk about today.
00:02:14.159 --> 00:02:18.960
When is being good just procrastination in disguise?
00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:21.919
And how can you shift out of this?
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:30.800
What looks like selflessness, diligence, or leadership can become an excuse to ignore what you say are your priorities.
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:37.199
Especially the life-changing things like buying a house, changing careers, moving countries.
00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:43.120
Lately I've been hearing from a lot of people who say they want to start a business.
00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:47.840
They are sick of company layoffs, change transformations that are happening.
00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:55.599
There's a lot of uncertainty, and people are feeling like maybe I can take charge of my life and start my own thing.
00:02:55.759 --> 00:03:01.599
Or maybe they're just simply tired of what they've been doing for years and they want to try something new.
00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:03.039
Take Amelia.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:13.599
She is a corporate professional and she has been talking about starting a side hustle for over a year, but she says she's too overstretched to make space for it.
00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.719
Even though it's one of her top priorities.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:18.800
She doesn't make it a priority.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:28.080
She spends her time saying yes to every project, and she herself will say, I want to be seen as somebody who can handle it all.
00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.599
I want to be seen as somebody who is really clever.
00:03:31.840 --> 00:03:42.479
And from the outside, Amelia looks ambitious and helpful, and she is, but her actions are classic virtuous procrastination.
00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:47.039
Because her real goal is to go out on her own to do her own thing.
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:53.039
But her desire for praise is keeping her tethered to her current job.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:04:06.319
And this external motivation is a nice distraction from the internal discomfort that is arising out of her uncertainty around building something of her own.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.360
So she doesn't want to feel those unpleasant feelings.
00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:17.920
So she'll just focus on this external praise that is completely dragging her away from the life that she says she wants.
00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:26.399
Amelia says she values autonomy, creativity, making an impact, but her actions don't reflect that.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:38.160
She overcommits, she struggles to let go when things aren't working, and she fills her calendar with tasks that make her feel needed but not fulfilled.
00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:48.079
Again, she is allowing herself to get pulled into other people's urgencies, and then she tells herself she's too busy to focus on her dream.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:49.839
Can you relate to any of this?
00:04:50.240 --> 00:05:00.319
Maybe you're more like Helen, who over-prepares for meetings to the point of panic, memorizing scripts, trying to anticipate every question.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:05.680
And from the outside, it looks like diligence or being proactive.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:14.480
But again, this is virtuous procrastination because underneath it is fear, it is not virtue that is driving her.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:18.639
Or maybe you have pulled a Pam at some point in your life.
00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:24.079
Pam decides to skip her friend's party because she has to watch the kids.
00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:40.160
Even though the party's been on the calendar for a month and she could have found a sitter, but she didn't feel like going, and instead of rallying for her friend, she made herself feel better by convincing herself that staying home was the responsible choice.
00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:46.000
Each of these behaviors that I talked about can be rationalized as the right thing to do.
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:53.600
And this is something that helps us feel better in the short term, but has serious long-term consequences.
00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:58.720
Virtuous procrastination feels productive, praiseworthy.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:04.079
It keeps you in motion, but not in the direction you want to go.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:08.800
So how can you tell when something virtuous is really avoidance?
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:11.199
Try this three-step check-in.
00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:13.759
One, start with a pause.
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:19.839
If your default is saying yes, build in some space before you commit.
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:23.199
So ask, why do I want to do this?
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:27.600
How does this move me closer to my or our goal?
00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:30.160
Two, understand your motivation.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:36.160
Ask, is this something I genuinely want or something I feel I should do?
00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:42.800
Would I be saying yes to avoid certain emotions or situations like guilt or conflict?
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:46.240
And three, get clear on your priorities.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:49.920
Every task takes time, energy, and attention.
00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:55.360
So ask yourself: if I take this on, what will I have to say no to?
00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:58.160
What's important to me right now?
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:03.360
Sometimes virtuous procrastination only affects us as an individual.
00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:18.319
And then there are times when we use it to avoid discomfort in relationships, dodging conflict, skipping out on commitments, telling ourselves we're being responsible when really we're just choosing what feels better in the moment.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:26.639
We use virtuous procrastination to try and control outcomes, over-preparing, over-committing, overhelping.
00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:33.839
But if your good behavior isn't aligned with what matters most to you, it's probably not virtue.
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.279
It's avoidance.
00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:43.120
And just because something is noble or interesting, it doesn't mean that it's right for you or maybe just not right now.
00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.439
And even if it is, it doesn't mean that it needs your full capacity.
00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:55.199
So ask yourself, am I doing this because it aligns with my values or because it helps me avoid discomfort?
00:07:55.920 --> 00:07:58.160
You don't need to stop being good.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:01.120
You just need to stop hiding behind it.
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:04.959
That's all for now.
00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:06.720
Thank you so much for listening.
00:08:06.879 --> 00:08:15.920
And if you are ready to finally take action on those dreams you've been thinking about for years and you would like my help, let's have a chat.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:22.000
Click on the link in the episode notes and let's work together to move you forward on your dreams.
00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:09.439
Last episode, I talked about the quiet cost of things are fine when we let our desire for comfort lull us into inaction.
00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:12.160
Today I want to explore a similar thread.
00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:14.640
I call it virtuous procrastination.
00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:28.079
Virtuous procrastination is the act of avoiding discomfort, uncertainty, or purposeful risk by busying yourself with work that appears responsible, generous, or admirable.
00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:30.800
Or at least it feels like you're not doing anything wrong.
00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:33.679
And it might be something that you're not even conscious of.
00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:40.719
For example, when I have to pack in the past, that was the last thing I wanted to do.
00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:52.159
So maybe I will start to clean, or who I'm I'm kidding, I would probably be more likely to start making a lasagna, even though I'm about to leave for a week or a month or something like that.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:54.320
But I wasn't doing anything bad per se.
00:00:54.560 --> 00:00:56.399
I was being productive.
00:00:56.640 --> 00:01:00.079
Just not the kind of productive that I wanted to be.
00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:07.760
This came up with a client, we'll call her Julie, who was telling me about her new volunteer work at a food pantry.
00:01:07.840 --> 00:01:11.680
And as she's as she's telling me this, I'm thinking, oh wow, that's very kind of you.
00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:15.040
I even said that's what a generous way to spend your time.
00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:18.640
But as we're talking, Julie said, you know what?
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:23.840
I think I'm volunteering right now, so I don't have to work on my business.
00:01:24.079 --> 00:01:26.640
And this was great awareness on her part.
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:31.680
She recognized her avoidance tendencies, and that's a big thing we were working on together.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:37.359
She recognized that her avoidance was at play and keeping her stuck and stressed.
00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:44.079
Virtuous procrastination is the sneakiest type of avoidance because it doesn't look like avoidance.
00:01:44.319 --> 00:01:47.040
You're not binge watching or doom scrolling.
00:01:47.519 --> 00:01:51.439
You are helping or doing something good, you're contributing.
00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:53.439
And doing good is important.
00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:56.879
Being useful, being of service, giving back.
00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.879
That's part of what it means to be a decent human being.
00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:02.480
A good stoic.
00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:11.680
But it's also important to recognize when doing good has become a way to avoid doing the thing that matters most to you.
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:13.919
And that's what I want to talk about today.
00:02:14.159 --> 00:02:18.960
When is being good just procrastination in disguise?
00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:21.919
And how can you shift out of this?
00:02:22.240 --> 00:02:30.800
What looks like selflessness, diligence, or leadership can become an excuse to ignore what you say are your priorities.
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:37.199
Especially the life-changing things like buying a house, changing careers, moving countries.
00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:43.120
Lately I've been hearing from a lot of people who say they want to start a business.
00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:47.840
They are sick of company layoffs, change transformations that are happening.
00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:55.599
There's a lot of uncertainty, and people are feeling like maybe I can take charge of my life and start my own thing.
00:02:55.759 --> 00:03:01.599
Or maybe they're just simply tired of what they've been doing for years and they want to try something new.
00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:03.039
Take Amelia.
00:03:03.199 --> 00:03:13.599
She is a corporate professional and she has been talking about starting a side hustle for over a year, but she says she's too overstretched to make space for it.
00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:16.719
Even though it's one of her top priorities.
00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:18.800
She doesn't make it a priority.
00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:28.080
She spends her time saying yes to every project, and she herself will say, I want to be seen as somebody who can handle it all.
00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.599
I want to be seen as somebody who is really clever.
00:03:31.840 --> 00:03:42.479
And from the outside, Amelia looks ambitious and helpful, and she is, but her actions are classic virtuous procrastination.
00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:47.039
Because her real goal is to go out on her own to do her own thing.
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:53.039
But her desire for praise is keeping her tethered to her current job.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:04:06.319
And this external motivation is a nice distraction from the internal discomfort that is arising out of her uncertainty around building something of her own.
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.360
So she doesn't want to feel those unpleasant feelings.
00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:17.920
So she'll just focus on this external praise that is completely dragging her away from the life that she says she wants.
00:04:18.160 --> 00:04:26.399
Amelia says she values autonomy, creativity, making an impact, but her actions don't reflect that.
00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:38.160
She overcommits, she struggles to let go when things aren't working, and she fills her calendar with tasks that make her feel needed but not fulfilled.
00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:48.079
Again, she is allowing herself to get pulled into other people's urgencies, and then she tells herself she's too busy to focus on her dream.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:49.839
Can you relate to any of this?
00:04:50.240 --> 00:05:00.319
Maybe you're more like Helen, who over-prepares for meetings to the point of panic, memorizing scripts, trying to anticipate every question.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:05.680
And from the outside, it looks like diligence or being proactive.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:14.480
But again, this is virtuous procrastination because underneath it is fear, it is not virtue that is driving her.
00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:18.639
Or maybe you have pulled a Pam at some point in your life.
00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:24.079
Pam decides to skip her friend's party because she has to watch the kids.
00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:40.160
Even though the party's been on the calendar for a month and she could have found a sitter, but she didn't feel like going, and instead of rallying for her friend, she made herself feel better by convincing herself that staying home was the responsible choice.
00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:46.000
Each of these behaviors that I talked about can be rationalized as the right thing to do.
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:53.600
And this is something that helps us feel better in the short term, but has serious long-term consequences.
00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:58.720
Virtuous procrastination feels productive, praiseworthy.
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:04.079
It keeps you in motion, but not in the direction you want to go.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:08.800
So how can you tell when something virtuous is really avoidance?
00:06:09.040 --> 00:06:11.199
Try this three-step check-in.
00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:13.759
One, start with a pause.
00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:19.839
If your default is saying yes, build in some space before you commit.
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:23.199
So ask, why do I want to do this?
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:27.600
How does this move me closer to my or our goal?
00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:30.160
Two, understand your motivation.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:36.160
Ask, is this something I genuinely want or something I feel I should do?
00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:42.800
Would I be saying yes to avoid certain emotions or situations like guilt or conflict?
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:46.240
And three, get clear on your priorities.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:49.920
Every task takes time, energy, and attention.
00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:55.360
So ask yourself: if I take this on, what will I have to say no to?
00:06:55.759 --> 00:06:58.160
What's important to me right now?
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:03.360
Sometimes virtuous procrastination only affects us as an individual.
00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:18.319
And then there are times when we use it to avoid discomfort in relationships, dodging conflict, skipping out on commitments, telling ourselves we're being responsible when really we're just choosing what feels better in the moment.
00:07:18.720 --> 00:07:26.639
We use virtuous procrastination to try and control outcomes, over-preparing, over-committing, overhelping.
00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:33.839
But if your good behavior isn't aligned with what matters most to you, it's probably not virtue.
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:35.279
It's avoidance.
00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:43.120
And just because something is noble or interesting, it doesn't mean that it's right for you or maybe just not right now.
00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:47.439
And even if it is, it doesn't mean that it needs your full capacity.
00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:55.199
So ask yourself, am I doing this because it aligns with my values or because it helps me avoid discomfort?
00:07:55.920 --> 00:07:58.160
You don't need to stop being good.
00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:01.120
You just need to stop hiding behind it.
00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:04.959
That's all for now.
00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:06.720
Thank you so much for listening.
00:08:06.879 --> 00:08:15.920
And if you are ready to finally take action on those dreams you've been thinking about for years and you would like my help, let's have a chat.
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:22.000
Click on the link in the episode notes and let's work together to move you forward on your dreams.
הצהרה: הפודקאסט והגרפיקה המוטבעים בדף זה הם מ-Communication & Mindset Coach Sarah Mikutel, שהוא רכושו של בעליו ואינו קשור או מאושר על ידי Listen Notes, Inc.
