WEBVTT
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This is another episode of Stand Up Comedy, your host and MC, celebrating forty plus years on the fringe of show business.
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Stories, interviews, and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous.
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Here's your host and MC, Scott Edwards.
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Hi, and welcome to this week's show.
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Hey, we have some fun comedy entertainment coming up for you in a few minutes.
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Before we get to that, I wanted to share that I added a button to the website, uh www.standupyourhost and mc dot com, which we mention every show.
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There's now a way to send a MP3 recording to me.
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Uh if you go to the very bottom of the last page and push the black button, you'll see a recording opportunity, and you can leave me comments, uh nasty messages, uh requests, or give us a quick story and we'll put it on the podcast.
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So just want to let you know that's something new.
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Alright, let's get into this week's show.
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Man, I did some great research, and I have three kind of three tremendous comics.
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And what makes them all very funny is not only are they terrific comics that are all headliners, we have coming up closing the show, a very talented comic, originally out of Hawaii, now works out of Seattle, Washington.
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You heard him in an earlier podcast, Hermit Apio doing some very funny live stand-up comedy.
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Before that, we have favorite headliners who's appeared on uh three or four different shows.
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Steve Bruner, he's out of the Bay Area, very funny comic.
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I know you'll enjoy his material.
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And our first act is something unique for the show.
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He's not been heard before, but he is a great headliner.
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He comes to us out of Texas.
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Jack Mayberry is a very talented comic.
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He started off as a Marine.
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Uh, thank you for your service, Jack.
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He ended up being a radio DJ for many years uh out of Lubbock, Texas, and then he found comedy, and he became a terrific stand-up comic.
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He has that kind of South Texas drawl to his voice, great with stories, and I think you'll enjoy his comedy.
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He was very popular in the 80s.
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He's been on something like nine tonight shows with Johnny Carson, he was on Evening at the Improv, and as I mentioned, a regular at Laughs Unlimited, very funny guy, first time on one of our podcast shows.
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So, as I mentioned, later on, Kermitopio, Steve Brunner, and right now, starting things off, our first headliner, the very funny Jack Mayberry.
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So this guy goes into a bar and he orders 12 shots.
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The bartender pours in 12 shots and the guy starts drinking them one right after the other.
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Bartender says, Man, you're drinking those awful fast.
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Guy says, You'd drink fast too if you had what I got.
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Bartender says, What do you got?
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And the guy said, 75 cents.
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Good jokes.
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Good jokes are hard to come by, folks.
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Sometimes people come up to me with jokes and they go, I got this great joke you ought to tell in your act.
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And then they go, Oh, you may have to clean it up a little bit first.
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The only part of these jokes I can tell is there were these two.
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I'm not much for racial material either.
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In fact, I hate bigots, don't you?
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I don't think they're as good as the rest of us.
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I don't understand why anyone would hate anyone for the color of their skin when there's so many other valid reasons.
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I think that all people are created equal and then deteriorate at different levels over various periods of time.
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So this guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, Sir, you don't have very long at all to live.
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And the guy says, How long?
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And the doctor says, ten.
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And the guy says, ten what?
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Ten years?
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Ten months?
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Ten days?
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And the doctor says, ten.
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Nine.
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Eight.
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Well, you sound like a good comedy crowd.
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I got some good jokes.
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I love doing stand-up comedy, folks.
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I don't want a real job, you have to go to work.
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And I don't think I could come up with three personal references, anyhow.
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Besides that, getting up before 8 a.m.
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is highly overrated in my book.
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Remember, it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird.
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So it's great being here doing comedy.
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I uh used to be in radio before this.
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Notice the pear-shaped radio tones.
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All pieces sold separately, some assembly required.
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But I got out of radio because I don't sound like I look, and I got tired of people walking up to me going, you know, you don't look like you sound.
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And I'd be standing here thinking, Well, you do.
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So I got beat up and fired a lot, and uh.
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And I decided to become a stand-up comedian.
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Boy, was it windy out there today?
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I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice.
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That was great.
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That reminds me, that's like where I'm from.
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I'm from West Texas, Lubbock, Texas.
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You ever heard of that?
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The wind blows there every day.
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In fact, one time the wind quit blowing there, everybody fell down.
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The wind blows there all the time because it's located up on a mesa and the wind just constantly sweeps across that area.
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At least that's what they always told us in school.
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I always just assumed it was because Lubbock sucked and it created a low pressure area that pulled area.
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I never thought it was our fault.
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I always thought the reason Lubbock sucks is because the wind blows all the time, and the reason the wind blows all the time is because Lubbock sucks.
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It's one of these time continuum type things.
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There's nothing there.
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I mean, it's like the lunar surface with wind.
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There's not even trees there.
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It's not even the sticks.
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When I was a kid, I couldn't even have a tree house.
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I'd have a shrub house.
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That's how bad it is here.
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People come by me and go, what the hell are you doing down there?
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Flat place with no trees.
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On a clear day there, you can look out across those plains and you can see the back of your head, folks.
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Ain't nothing there.
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And the amazing thing about it is my family moved there.
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And I'm like, what kind of hellhole could you have come from?
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That you went, yeah, this is a lot better.
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Last place must have been on fire.
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But the people who live there, that's what amazes me about them.
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They know what it looks like there.
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They name their towns things like Plainview, Level Land, Brownfield.
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These are realists where I come from.
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There's a town there named Earth.
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That's the one I admire, Earth.
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Heck, these people didn't even bother to come up with a name in this town.
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Like, where are you from?
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Earth.
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Could you narrow that down for me a little bit?
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Oh, the brown part, of course.
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Get in the car, I'll give you a ride.
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What a great name for a town.
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I've often wondered how they came up for a name for a town like Earth.
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I mean, the only thing less creative than that would have been planet.
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I mean, they must have gone to some trouble to name the town.
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A contest, I figured maybe an Earth probably just edged out Uranus, which would have been a good name.
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Earth, I might have said kids.
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I ain't got time, but Uranus.
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Oh, we're gonna drive all the way around Uranus.
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Actually, it's not Uranus, I was informed the other night, it's Uranus.
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It's not Haley's anymore.
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That's been changed too.
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It's Halley's.
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Well, I say fuke these people.
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I don't need this kind of controversy.
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I got enough trouble memoring these words the way they were the first time around.
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That amazes me even more that fuke works.
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But you laugh at it, so I'm keeping it in the act.
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I try to minimize vulgarity in my act, folks.
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I don't use a lot of vulgarity because it's an easy laugh, you know?
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Fuck is a funny word, it's just fucking funny.
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That's all they do.
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But you can't put it in your act because you can't get it out.
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It becomes like the funny part of your joke, you know.
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Comedians are always trying to clean up their act for TV.
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They're always saying, Jack, I need a word like fuck that didn't fuck that I can use in the place of fuck that'll get as big as laugh as fuck that didn't fuck.
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And I say, well, I got news for you, pal.
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There ain't no fucking word like that.
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But if there was, I'd be fucking using it.
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All the fucking time.
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I understand the need for vulgarity.
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It's a very powerful thing, you know, it transcends a lot of barriers.
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Asshole goes through glass.
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You know, when you're driving down the highway and somebody cuts you off and you go.
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You can have the window up and the air conditioner and the radio going, and they'll tell me what you're calling when you're next to it.
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Clean words don't go through glass.
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I know I research this to some degree.
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Accidentally used the word asshole in front of my daughter in the car when she was four, and when her fourth electric recorders didn't ever know when I'm gonna play that stuff back.
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So I was trying to clean up my act.
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But you still got the animosity when somebody cuts you off, so I tried the clean version of asshole, which is anus, but nobody knew what I was talking about.
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I'm driving down the highway going, and people are driving along beside me going.
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Sounds like a mom would be out on a porch going, Hanus Lee, put on that stick and get in this house.
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Put on that stick before you poke somebody's eye out.
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That's what my mom used to say.
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Put on that stick before you poke somebody's eye.
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You can't poke somebody's eye out while you'd poke that sucker in if you was to poke it.
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Now you'd have to go up her nose and get behind that sucking out if you're gonna poke it.
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Which is a lot more trouble than I was willing to go to.
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Hope myself using gussied up the other night.
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Didn't even know I had that word in my vocabulary.
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I was just talking to somebody gussied up came flying out of my What the fuke was that?
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Where did that come from?
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You ever heard gussied up?
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Yeah, it means you're all dressed up.
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Sounds like something horrible happened to you, huh?
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Sounds like the sheriff could be going, yeah, we found them in her ditch, but that's been gussied up by the time we got from it.
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It's actually a real word.
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I looked it up.
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It's actually in the dictionary.
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I thought it was a colloquialism, but it's a real word.
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But it's gusty, it's past tense in the dictionary.
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There's no verb form to it.
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There's no two guts or two degust.
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I don't know exactly how you get this way.
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Just somehow you get gusty.
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And you remain that way for quite a while.
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Till they hold you down or something.
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I don't know exactly.
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How they de-gut you, I'm sure it must hurt quite a bit.
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Kind of like mingle.
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Is it a party recently and they were going?
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Just get out there and mingle.
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What a disgusting word that is, mingle.
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Kind of like you get your hands all greasy out there.
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Kind of like you'd read a paper where ladies have been found mingled, you know, and hell, they'd come looking for me because I've been mingling at the party last night.
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I like merge.
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There's a good word.
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I've been living out in Southern California for 10 years.
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I'm a bad driver now.
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When I come up the entrance for that freeway at 80 miles an hour, you better get your butts out of the way up there because I'm fixing to merge in the tram.
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I ain't mingling, pal, so get out of the way.
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I'm in a hurry and I'm lost.
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That was Jack Mayberry out of Texas.
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I'm sure you caught the accent.
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Very funny guy, always had great stories.
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We're gonna keep this moving right along with our next headliner.
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You've heard him before on my podcast.
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He's a great friend.
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We still work together fairly regularly.
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He's out of the Bay Area.
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Let's hear some great stand-up comedy live on stage from Steve Brunner.
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Played my share of Nightmare Gigs 2 a couple months back.
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I played a sports bar where after the comedy show they were having a midnight dark tournament.
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Man, if there's anything drunk people shouldn't be allowed to do, one guy sobered up a hundred people.
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All he did was yell out catch.
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Started me thinking, not a lot of sports where you drink heavily, then try to do better.
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Not like a bunch of guys are gonna finish off a fifth of Jack Daniels and go skydiving.
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Unless they invite the designated pullers.
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Not that I would ever go parachuting anyway.
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I figured out a long time ago, first part of parachute is perish.
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Guess if it doesn't open, that's where shoot comes in.
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Now the only sport I've found where you can drink as much as you want, you're guaranteed to do better.
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That would have to be bowling.
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Right?
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Because first of all, you have to be drunk to rent shoes for 50 cents.
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Then think you look good.
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Not only that, bowling and drinking kind of develop together.
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That's why they have name tags right there in the shirt.
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You can get as drunk as you want, scores up there for everybody to see.
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It's not like you can lose your place in line.
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Like, who's up?
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Steve?
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Okay, everybody check.
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Oh, I'm not Steve, I'm some guy named Ebbett.
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Oh no, that's Steve.
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Alright, I'll grab a ball.
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Hang on one second.
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Okay, the people laughing at that joke, could you explain it to the people not laughing?
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That would help me out on that.
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Last time I went bowling, had a few beers, drastically improved my score.
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Because it is a hell of a lot easier knocking down 10 pins when you're looking at 20.
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Fun to be here too.
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You know, the last time I was here, it had a very bizarre experience.
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I got carded for buying a lottery ticket.
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You only have to be 18 to buy a lottery ticket.
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There's like take my ego and going, pool! There are about 10 people lying behind me because that's a secret to complete humiliation.
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You can't be alone, right?
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So I'm in there feeling kind of lucky to say, yeah, I'd like to buy a lottery ticket, if you don't mind.
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You need to see my ID for a lot tick.
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Can you believe they're asking?
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Oh, you can.
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Okay, alright.
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Well, here's my ID.
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It says I'm over 30.
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Now, if you could just get me some beer and some condoms, I could get my manhood back.
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In fact, for all these people back here, I want you to do a price check.
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Now I'm not leaving until I hear Jumbo Trojans on one.
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Uh I wouldn't want a mirror, I'd want a window.
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Okay.
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I don't know what to do to look older.
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People give me suggestions all the time.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.440
I think the suggestion I hear most often, grow a mustache.
00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:44.240
Great idea.
00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:46.399
I'd do it in a minute if I could.
00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:49.200
Some people get that bulk about working up here.
00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.440
I seem to have the right smack dab up front, you know?
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:55.759
Would have shaved a night, but the blow dryer took care of most of it, so I didn't really have to worry about it.
00:15:56.159 --> 00:16:02.559
The other suggestion I get a lot, people suggest I gain some weight, but they don't mean eat a lot weight, they mean workout weight, which scares the hell out of me.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:08.480
Because I think the last thing I really want to have is a big old muscly body and still have a little tiny baby-faced head.
00:16:09.919 --> 00:16:14.320
Because I don't care what bar you walk into with that combination, you're gonna get beat up.
00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:20.799
Just waiting for the drunk cowboy to get nothing better to do.
00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:22.480
Let's just beat up the Gerber baby.
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:35.600
Oh man, I haven't worked out for a long time.
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:36.000
Probably.
00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:37.039
I'm so out of shape.
00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:41.279
If I went to the gym tomorrow, I'd probably get to the door and have to go spot me.
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:42.000
Okay, thanks.
00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:42.639
I appreciate it.
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:45.039
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:50.320
I think my best hope for getting in shape would be to get a home gym.
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:53.519
Just something I could do at home and not really embarrass myself when I go to a real gym.
00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:54.720
Just like, you know, something I could do.
00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:56.080
Like a rowing machine.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:57.120
An easy one.
00:16:57.360 --> 00:16:59.039
One that comes the outboard.
00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:10.319
I don't want to start with Stairmaster, I kind of want Escalator Master.
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:15.440
Almost made it to housewares.
00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:16.240
Check the pulse.
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:16.640
Doing fine.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:16.960
Alright.
00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:17.519
Anyway.
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:22.640
I have tried the bike.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:26.480
I have tried the bike, but darn that stupid bike gives you way too many choices.
00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:30.079
It gives you like random manual hill.
00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:32.240
I picked hill.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.480
Who knew it was up?
00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:35.440
Hill.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.240
I like the summertime too.
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.880
I like it because there are a lot more kids out when it's not school.
00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:46.079
And I like kids that had a whole new perspective to everything you do, just walking around.
00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:48.240
I know this just from flying in not too long ago.
00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:50.400
Pilot said something about just we're about to land.
00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:53.039
There's going to be turbulence upon landing, so all the adults are hanging on.
00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:53.920
What the hell does that mean?
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:54.319
I don't know.
00:17:54.400 --> 00:17:54.880
Just hang on.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:18:02.720
A little girl, about five years old, about four rows up, is going, we that's the secret to life, man.
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:07.359
Next time you're in a real frustrating situation, right in the middle of your frustration, just break out.
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:10.400
We think it'll help you.
00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:11.920
Let's say you're at the doctor's office.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:17.200
One of those really serious doctor exams where the doctor says that stupid thing, like bend over and relax.
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:24.000
As soon as he says that, just we hell, give him something to worry about.
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:28.240
Because kids are great, man.
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:32.960
You want to hear comedy, listen to a child about five years old try to do the Pledge of Allegiance.
00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:34.720
That's the funniest thing you'll ever hear.
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:39.359
I pledge Elizabeth to the flag on the Chinese plates of America.
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:47.440
And on the subject of that witch who stands by the one naked individual under God with library juice for Paul.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:50.799
It's like Dr.
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:52.960
Seuss Rudder, they have no idea.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.200
I grew up not too far from here, Santa Rosa, California.
00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:58.799
I get to visit that, which is all nice.
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:01.039
And I'm driving with my sister and her daughter.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.160
My niece is in the car.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:09.359
Radio, uh, a little announcement comes over the radio, says, 90% of all car accidents happen within 10 miles of your house.
00:19:09.599 --> 00:19:12.880
My niece turns to her mom and says, We better move.
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:24.000
Because I talk about what an easy job I have being a comedian.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:25.599
I know the toughest job of all time.
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:26.960
That would have to be parents.
00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:28.480
There's a tough job.
00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:31.039
Damn easy job to get, though.
00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:36.079
I think most people love the interview.
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:39.599
You don't have to dress for it, promise.
00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:49.039
Parents are actually kind of silly when they start out, or they wouldn't say such dumb things to their kids like, don't you get smart.
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:50.319
Okay.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.960
Well, thanks for setting goals I can reach.
00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:02.799
Then they say they're teaching us by example.
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:08.240
And then they'll go, that'll teach you not to hit your brother.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:10.559
Okay.
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:13.839
Not getting smart.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:18.319
My parents were obsessed with my eyesight.
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:22.960
Didn't matter what I asked for for Christmas or birthday, what I wanted to play with, I was gonna poke my eye out.
00:20:23.680 --> 00:20:24.160
Didn't matter.
00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:25.359
I'd asked for the BB gun.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.599
No, no, you poke your eye out with a BB gun.
00:20:27.839 --> 00:20:29.920
Everybody on the block would be playing with water balloons.
00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:30.720
I couldn't join them.
00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:34.319
I was gonna poke my eye out with a water balloon.
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:37.599
Just one time I needed my mom to point out some old man with an eye patch.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:39.599
Gee, mister, are you a war veteran?
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:40.160
Nope.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:41.680
Water balloon actually.
00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:52.000
His parents say the silliest thing, dumbest thing I remember hearing when I was growing up when the folks told me, keep your hands to yourself.
00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:55.359
Because later they say, if you do that, you'll go blind.
00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:02.799
I don't know how they thought I could poke my eye out with that.
00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:11.200
Because parents are very sexually confusing.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:13.039
They don't mean to be sometimes, but they are.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:17.119
My mother's favorite expression I was growing up was tit for tat for tat tit for tattoo.
00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:21.599
Then I remember reaching puberty thinking, okay, now where can I get some tats to trade?
00:21:24.799 --> 00:21:26.160
And how many tits for a tat?
00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:28.000
I need to know the exchange rate here.
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.720
Parents are funny people, you get your sense of humor from your parents.
00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:42.640
I don't get it as much from my dad, although he had a great sense of humor because I remember those haircuts he gave me to prove it.
00:21:43.680 --> 00:21:47.680
I also remember the big conversation I had with him about telling him no.
00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:49.440
Don't ever tell me no.
00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:52.160
You tell me no, I'll give you a beating.
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:54.000
Do you want a beating?
00:21:58.400 --> 00:21:59.359
Uh maybe.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:03.759
If you could rephrase that, I'll get back to you in a couple minutes.
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:04.720
How about that?
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:15.759
I hardly ever got in trouble when my dad was around, actually, because he would do something a lot of dads do, something I call head steering.
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:21.680
When he was in charge, he'd put his big old hand right on top of my little tiny head and just take me for a test drive.
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:27.119
And you can never run away when you're in this position either, because if you got fidgety, he would just downshift.
00:22:28.160 --> 00:22:32.559
It's really hard to run away when that two-legged drive with your vertebrates being crushed underneath.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:39.839
And he would work this, the coolest part, he would work this into whatever conversation he was having with you at the time.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:42.559
You will never park your bike in the driveway again, will you?
00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:43.519
Uh-uh.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:46.079
Got any questions?
00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:46.640
No.
00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:48.400
Alright, go play.
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:50.319
Go play Quasimodo.
00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:50.880
Thanks.
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:55.599
I get my sense of humor from my mom, because she was very funny.
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:57.359
I mean, she'd say the silliest thing.
00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:00.400
Like, it's only funny till somebody gets hurt.
00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:03.839
That's when it's really funny, duh.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:14.079
I get my sense of humor from my mom because she would laugh at every single joke I ever played on her right before she beat the crap out of me.
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:19.519
Always in that order, too, that little laugh was a dead giveaway that you were gonna get it.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.359
I remember walking in the house when I was six years old, had my mom say, Don't slam the door.
00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:25.519
And I don't want to have to tell you twice.
00:23:25.759 --> 00:23:27.599
I of course said, What?
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:33.519
She, of course, said, Don't slam the door.
00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:35.119
And I don't want to have to tell you.
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.880
Don't run from me.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:43.839
Anybody's mom ever said, Don't run from me.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:46.640
We all know that was the starter's gun.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:51.359
Because at about six years old, we had it figured out.
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:52.880
Our moms had zones, right?
00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:57.680
She had the hit zone about a foot from her body, where leverage was the best.
00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:02.319
She had the grab zone, the extent of her reach, to pull you into the hit zone.
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:06.319
Everything beyond these two was free space.
00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:10.400
Also known as the wait till your father gets homes up.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:17.759
So you knew you were in free space if you ever heard don't run for me, because otherwise you'd already be on your way into the hit zone.
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:22.480
So your mom said don't run for me to try to confuse you so she could move up.
00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:24.799
Which was the silliest thing in the entire world.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:28.880
As soon as you heard the duh of don't, your little body filled with adrenaline, you were cartoon.
00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:37.039
I always thought if my mom wanted to confuse me, she should have said something quick and different, like candy.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:43.039
Because for that split second that she needed to move up, I would have looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:53.039
And to be honest with you, I was an obnoxious kid growing up too, boy.
00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:57.680
I was especially obnoxious at big family gatherings because somebody would always make fun of how young I looked.
00:24:57.839 --> 00:24:59.759
So I was like, well, well, well, Steve.
00:24:59.920 --> 00:25:01.200
Are you shaving yet?
00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:03.599
No, I'm saving up.
00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:07.519
So I can grow a mustache like you, Aunt Betty.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:15.680
Aunt Betty, worst thing about Aunt Betty, she started every sentence the exact same way.
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:17.119
I was always, well, well, well.
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:18.559
Well, well, well.
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:20.559
First time I heard this, I nudged her.
00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:22.400
I thought she was skipping.
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:27.680
Then, of course, there's the most fun I ever had at one of the big family gatherings.
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:31.759
That's when my mom said, All right now, Steve, eat every carrot and pee on your plate.
00:25:36.559 --> 00:25:38.880
I was grounded for weeks.
00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:43.039
Got in one hell of a good shot at Aunt Betty, though.
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:46.720
Oh, I know you enjoyed that.
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:49.119
Steve is one of the funniest guys around.
00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:58.480
He is a terrific headlining comic and has worked for me for something like 40 years, off and on, and is so happy to be able to present his terrific material.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:03.440
Hey, we're gonna keep this comedy pace going with our third headliner in this show.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:06.960
As I mentioned previously, you've heard Kermit's name before.
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:10.240
He's been featured on a couple previous podcasts.
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:14.559
He is a terrific headlining comic, very clean, very talented.
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:17.119
In one of our shows, he did some music for us.
00:26:17.519 --> 00:26:19.519
But he is originally out of Hawaii.
00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:22.079
Now he was based out of Seattle, Washington.
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:26.960
Let's hear some stand-up comedy from headliner Kermit Apio.
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:30.480
I never really got into drugs, to be honest.
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:31.920
I'm not a health nut.
00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:34.480
I'm I'm just too lazy to get a habit.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:39.119
You gotta find a dealer, well, start tomorrow.
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.160
I admire addicts, they get it done.
00:26:48.079 --> 00:26:50.160
Smokers, very impressive.
00:26:50.799 --> 00:26:54.319
Smokers have stick to it-ness like I will never know.
00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:56.400
I love the smokers.
00:26:56.559 --> 00:26:58.400
Hey, make a law, force them outside.
00:26:58.559 --> 00:26:59.680
They don't care.
00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:03.599
Negative thirty degrees, they're out there.
00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:04.480
This sucks.
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:09.119
They're holding hands, singing kumbaya.
00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:10.960
That's a family out there.
00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:16.319
They bond.
00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:20.640
Excuse me, total stranger, person I don't know.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:23.359
May I get a cigarette from you?
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:28.160
And every time, well, sure, total stranger that I don't know.
00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:30.880
Because someday I'll need that back.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:34.880
And then they hug.
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:39.519
It's awesome.
00:27:40.559 --> 00:27:42.559
I can't go up to another non-smoker.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:45.599
Hey, can I have some of your pudding?
00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:48.559
Come on, it's been a rough day.
00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:50.400
I'd love some pudding, you know.
00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:53.200
Tapioca, that's my brand, dude.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:03.519
And non-smokers, don't get me wrong, I'm one of you, but generally smokers make better audience members.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:05.519
Because they don't worry as much.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:11.920
Non-smokers are more prone to the, well, I hope he understands that certain topics might be offensive to certain people.
00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:16.000
Smokers, no way.
00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:17.519
That's too many words.
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:19.759
We're gonna die.
00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:20.880
Tell us a joke.
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:29.519
Woo! You are not offending the smoker.
00:28:30.720 --> 00:28:31.920
If you do, what are they gonna do?
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:32.720
Chase you?
00:28:32.960 --> 00:28:33.440
Really?
00:28:40.559 --> 00:28:41.119
Am I kidding?
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.359
I eat spam, they'll catch up eventually.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:47.759
Smoker versus spam eater, it's a tie.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:54.240
I'm not in very good shape.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:56.720
I want to get in better shape, but you know what?
00:28:56.799 --> 00:28:59.759
The uh double chin really frames the hair loss.
00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:05.440
It's my goal to look like a beanbag chair before I die.
00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:10.160
I find it easier to just lower the goals.
00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:16.640
My old goal was to look like the rock with a thyroid problem, but that was hard.
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:19.920
It's kind of a visual punchline.
00:29:20.240 --> 00:29:20.799
Focus in.
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:21.359
You'll grab it.
00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:22.400
You'll grab it.
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.440
You get these signs you're gaining weight, they're very annoying.
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:36.079
I put my cell phone in my back pocket.
00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:38.480
My ass made three calls.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.720
And not sitting down, walking.
00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:45.519
That's not speed dial either.
00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:46.960
When did this happen?
00:29:50.160 --> 00:29:50.960
You do what you can.
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:51.839
I join a health club.
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:56.720
It's 30 bucks a month, which breaks down to about 30 bucks a workout.
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:05.599
Or 30 bucks a shower if you want to get technical, whatever.
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:10.000
It's four blocks from my house, I drive.
00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:11.359
How sad is that?
00:30:17.279 --> 00:30:19.839
All right, it's not a health club, it's a Mexican restaurant.
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:21.440
But here's the thing.
00:30:23.039 --> 00:30:28.799
After a large burrito and hot salsa, I'm tired and sweaty when I leave, isn't that the goal, everybody?
00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:35.920
This is my job skill, folks.
00:30:36.160 --> 00:30:39.519
When comedy ends, my first job interview will not go up.
00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:41.359
I won't know what to say.
00:30:42.880 --> 00:30:45.680
How about a big round of applause for the other applicants?
00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:50.319
Qualifications?
00:30:50.480 --> 00:30:52.400
Well, I'm lazy and sarcastic.
00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:53.599
What do you got?
00:30:55.839 --> 00:30:58.400
Eight hours in a row?
00:31:01.200 --> 00:31:03.440
That's like a week and a half for me.
00:31:06.240 --> 00:31:08.480
I work an hour a day.
00:31:09.119 --> 00:31:12.480
When I have a bad day at work, it's bad for an hour.
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:17.759
I got twenty-three to get over it, you know.
00:31:22.640 --> 00:31:23.680
I have no skills.
00:31:23.759 --> 00:31:25.119
I'll never truly be needed.
00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:26.319
That's what I realized.
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:27.519
This is never gonna happen.
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:28.559
Oh my god.
00:31:28.960 --> 00:31:31.440
Is there a comedian in the house?
00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:34.559
Come on, laugh, dammit, laugh.
00:31:35.359 --> 00:31:37.119
Clear, tickle, tickle, tickle.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:37.839
Come on.
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:47.200
I have no job skills, I have no life skills, I can't fix anything.
00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:49.519
My car breaks down, I can do two things.
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:51.839
I can open the hood and stare.
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:56.240
Hope to see that big problem right on top.
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:57.680
And I mean obvious.
00:31:57.759 --> 00:32:01.759
It's gotta be like, hey, there's a poodle in here.
00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:10.559
I don't have triple A, I got this cheaper plan, I got uh double A.
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:15.039
Just a bunch of alcoholics pushing my card on the highway.
00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:20.240
I appreciate the 12 steps, and hey, we're done.
00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:33.119
I've been doing a lot of flying, and you know what?
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:36.240
Here's what I've learned flying through airports across America.
00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:41.200
Apparently, the smaller the town, the more I look Arab.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:49.039
I just go to some airports in my underwear, because who are we kidding?
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:50.240
Let's save time.
00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:54.960
Here's my shoes, here's my pants.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:32:56.720
Yes, I'll have a seat.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.079
He's got a shampoo and a nail clipper.
00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:01.039
Let's take him out now.
00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:02.079
Take him down.
00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:10.880
Not only do they take the nail clippers from you, they ask you why you have them.
00:33:18.079 --> 00:33:21.759
And don't get me wrong, I am all for safety, absolutely.
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:23.440
But here's the deal.
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:34.240
If you try and take over the plane with nail clippers, I will beat the crap out of you.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:41.279
I haven't been in a fight since the seventh grade, but it's go time.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:42.400
I got this.
00:33:47.759 --> 00:33:49.839
You have nail clippers.
00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:53.519
I've got an in-flight magazine with your name on it.
00:33:55.839 --> 00:33:56.640
What are you gonna do?
00:33:56.880 --> 00:33:58.400
File it down for a while?
00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:01.680
Well, let's do that.
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.559
When in a radio shack, the guy tells me the slogan.
00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:10.880
I'm just standing there, all of a sudden, you've got questions, we've got answers.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:19.840
So I look at him and I go, why doesn't my father just accept me?
00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:28.079
Apparently they don't have all the answers at Radio Shot.
00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:30.480
That guy was frozen to oh.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:34.239
It's not my department, really.
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:37.280
But I still need your address.
00:34:41.199 --> 00:34:46.800
I went into the everything's a dollar store to return some stuff.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:49.920
No, this is crap.
00:34:52.639 --> 00:34:57.039
No, I don't have the receipt, but I'm guessing it's a buck.
00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:02.079
I need a price check over here.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:05.599
A price check on a paper spatula.
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:14.320
We love the dollar stores.
00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:16.159
It's crap, but it's only a dollar.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:20.000
I can buy two pieces of crap for two dollars.
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:23.519
That's the American way.
00:35:24.079 --> 00:35:25.039
The outlet malls.
00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:27.679
We love oh look, I got these pants for eight bucks, outlet mall.
00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:28.639
Eight bucks, yeah.
00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:33.039
Well, the zippers in the back, but it's eight bucks, though.
00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:40.159
You want to explain America to a foreign person?
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:41.440
Just take them to Costco.
00:35:41.519 --> 00:35:42.960
That is who we are.
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:44.800
You see what I got there?
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:46.079
I got mustard.
00:35:47.119 --> 00:35:48.079
Until I die.
00:35:48.239 --> 00:35:49.199
Look at that.
00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:52.639
I got my mustard on a flatbed.
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:54.719
I can't lift it up by myself.
00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:02.159
Think about the theory of Costco.
00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:03.760
If you break it down, here's what it is.
00:36:03.920 --> 00:36:07.360
Hey, you want to buy eight gallons of tartar sauce?
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:10.480
No.
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:12.800
Three bucks?
00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:13.840
Yeah, now I do.
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:16.159
Yes, I do now, absolutely.
00:36:19.519 --> 00:36:23.119
More tartar sauce than I'll ever need, but think of the savings.
00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:28.880
That was Kermit Apio, a very talented headliner.
00:36:28.960 --> 00:36:32.960
You've heard him before on the shows, and I know you enjoyed that last comedy set.
00:36:33.119 --> 00:36:34.719
One of our favorite regulars.
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:42.079
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we just presented three terrific headliners, all funny, and I know you enjoyed the show.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:43.519
Thanks so much for listening.
00:36:43.679 --> 00:36:56.320
Hey, a little reminder, like I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast, there is a new speak pipe button on the last page of the website, www.standupyourhostnc.com.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:02.960
Get a chance, hit that button and leave me a message, a request, or tell a story and we'll put it on the show.
00:37:03.199 --> 00:37:05.360
Thanks again for being a regular listener.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:09.599
Be sure to tell your friends, rate us, and we'll see you next week.
00:37:09.840 --> 00:37:10.480
Bye.
00:37:11.599 --> 00:37:15.440
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Stand Up Comedy, your host and MC.
00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:26.400
For information on the show, merchandise, and our sponsors, or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at www.standupyourhost and mc.com.
00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:30.880
Look for more episodes soon, and enjoy the world of stand up comedy.
00:37:31.119 --> 00:37:33.360
Visit a comedy showroom near you.
00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:12.160
This is another episode of Stand Up Comedy, your host and MC, celebrating forty plus years on the fringe of show business.
00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:17.600
Stories, interviews, and comedy sets from the famous and not so famous.
00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:21.440
Here's your host and MC, Scott Edwards.
00:00:22.000 --> 00:00:24.160
Hi, and welcome to this week's show.
00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:28.480
Hey, we have some fun comedy entertainment coming up for you in a few minutes.
00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:39.840
Before we get to that, I wanted to share that I added a button to the website, uh www.standupyourhost and mc dot com, which we mention every show.
00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:44.560
There's now a way to send a MP3 recording to me.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:01:00.799
Uh if you go to the very bottom of the last page and push the black button, you'll see a recording opportunity, and you can leave me comments, uh nasty messages, uh requests, or give us a quick story and we'll put it on the podcast.
00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:03.520
So just want to let you know that's something new.
00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:06.480
Alright, let's get into this week's show.
00:01:06.799 --> 00:01:12.079
Man, I did some great research, and I have three kind of three tremendous comics.
00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:25.840
And what makes them all very funny is not only are they terrific comics that are all headliners, we have coming up closing the show, a very talented comic, originally out of Hawaii, now works out of Seattle, Washington.
00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:33.439
You heard him in an earlier podcast, Hermit Apio doing some very funny live stand-up comedy.
00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:39.359
Before that, we have favorite headliners who's appeared on uh three or four different shows.
00:01:39.680 --> 00:01:43.359
Steve Bruner, he's out of the Bay Area, very funny comic.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:45.359
I know you'll enjoy his material.
00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:48.799
And our first act is something unique for the show.
00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:52.400
He's not been heard before, but he is a great headliner.
00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:54.239
He comes to us out of Texas.
00:01:54.640 --> 00:01:58.239
Jack Mayberry is a very talented comic.
00:01:58.400 --> 00:02:00.319
He started off as a Marine.
00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:02.319
Uh, thank you for your service, Jack.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:12.800
He ended up being a radio DJ for many years uh out of Lubbock, Texas, and then he found comedy, and he became a terrific stand-up comic.
00:02:13.039 --> 00:02:22.000
He has that kind of South Texas drawl to his voice, great with stories, and I think you'll enjoy his comedy.
00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:24.319
He was very popular in the 80s.
00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:37.599
He's been on something like nine tonight shows with Johnny Carson, he was on Evening at the Improv, and as I mentioned, a regular at Laughs Unlimited, very funny guy, first time on one of our podcast shows.
00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:49.280
So, as I mentioned, later on, Kermitopio, Steve Brunner, and right now, starting things off, our first headliner, the very funny Jack Mayberry.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:58.719
So this guy goes into a bar and he orders 12 shots.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.319
The bartender pours in 12 shots and the guy starts drinking them one right after the other.
00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:04.960
Bartender says, Man, you're drinking those awful fast.
00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:07.599
Guy says, You'd drink fast too if you had what I got.
00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:09.280
Bartender says, What do you got?
00:03:09.439 --> 00:03:11.520
And the guy said, 75 cents.
00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:16.960
Good jokes.
00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:19.120
Good jokes are hard to come by, folks.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:23.280
Sometimes people come up to me with jokes and they go, I got this great joke you ought to tell in your act.
00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:25.759
And then they go, Oh, you may have to clean it up a little bit first.
00:03:25.919 --> 00:03:28.879
The only part of these jokes I can tell is there were these two.
00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:33.520
I'm not much for racial material either.
00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:35.439
In fact, I hate bigots, don't you?
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:40.639
I don't think they're as good as the rest of us.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:47.520
I don't understand why anyone would hate anyone for the color of their skin when there's so many other valid reasons.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:54.560
I think that all people are created equal and then deteriorate at different levels over various periods of time.
00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:01.360
So this guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, Sir, you don't have very long at all to live.
00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:02.319
And the guy says, How long?
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:03.360
And the doctor says, ten.
00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:05.199
And the guy says, ten what?
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:05.840
Ten years?
00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:06.400
Ten months?
00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:07.039
Ten days?
00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:08.319
And the doctor says, ten.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:09.599
Nine.
00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:10.560
Eight.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:16.639
Well, you sound like a good comedy crowd.
00:04:16.720 --> 00:04:17.360
I got some good jokes.
00:04:17.439 --> 00:04:18.879
I love doing stand-up comedy, folks.
00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:20.879
I don't want a real job, you have to go to work.
00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:24.639
And I don't think I could come up with three personal references, anyhow.
00:04:26.319 --> 00:04:28.160
Besides that, getting up before 8 a.m.
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:29.920
is highly overrated in my book.
00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:33.279
Remember, it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird.
00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:41.120
So it's great being here doing comedy.
00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:42.560
I uh used to be in radio before this.
00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:44.399
Notice the pear-shaped radio tones.
00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:47.360
All pieces sold separately, some assembly required.
00:04:49.600 --> 00:04:54.959
But I got out of radio because I don't sound like I look, and I got tired of people walking up to me going, you know, you don't look like you sound.
00:04:55.360 --> 00:04:57.839
And I'd be standing here thinking, Well, you do.
00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:06.399
So I got beat up and fired a lot, and uh.
00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:13.360
And I decided to become a stand-up comedian.
00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:15.279
Boy, was it windy out there today?
00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:17.920
I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice.
00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:27.439
That was great.
00:05:27.519 --> 00:05:28.879
That reminds me, that's like where I'm from.
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:30.399
I'm from West Texas, Lubbock, Texas.
00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:31.360
You ever heard of that?
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:34.160
The wind blows there every day.
00:05:34.399 --> 00:05:37.920
In fact, one time the wind quit blowing there, everybody fell down.
00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:47.279
The wind blows there all the time because it's located up on a mesa and the wind just constantly sweeps across that area.
00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:49.279
At least that's what they always told us in school.
00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:53.439
I always just assumed it was because Lubbock sucked and it created a low pressure area that pulled area.
00:05:56.319 --> 00:05:57.439
I never thought it was our fault.
00:05:57.519 --> 00:06:01.759
I always thought the reason Lubbock sucks is because the wind blows all the time, and the reason the wind blows all the time is because Lubbock sucks.
00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.319
It's one of these time continuum type things.
00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:05.360
There's nothing there.
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:07.759
I mean, it's like the lunar surface with wind.
00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:09.439
There's not even trees there.
00:06:09.519 --> 00:06:10.399
It's not even the sticks.
00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:11.920
When I was a kid, I couldn't even have a tree house.
00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:12.800
I'd have a shrub house.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:14.079
That's how bad it is here.
00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.040
People come by me and go, what the hell are you doing down there?
00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:22.160
Flat place with no trees.
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:26.000
On a clear day there, you can look out across those plains and you can see the back of your head, folks.
00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:26.879
Ain't nothing there.
00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:36.079
And the amazing thing about it is my family moved there.
00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.839
And I'm like, what kind of hellhole could you have come from?
00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:43.839
That you went, yeah, this is a lot better.
00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:51.759
Last place must have been on fire.
00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:57.839
But the people who live there, that's what amazes me about them.
00:06:57.920 --> 00:06:58.800
They know what it looks like there.
00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:02.639
They name their towns things like Plainview, Level Land, Brownfield.
00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:05.279
These are realists where I come from.
00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:07.920
There's a town there named Earth.
00:07:08.639 --> 00:07:10.319
That's the one I admire, Earth.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:13.439
Heck, these people didn't even bother to come up with a name in this town.
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:15.040
Like, where are you from?
00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:16.160
Earth.
00:07:21.439 --> 00:07:23.680
Could you narrow that down for me a little bit?
00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:29.120
Oh, the brown part, of course.
00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:31.920
Get in the car, I'll give you a ride.
00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:36.079
What a great name for a town.
00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:38.480
I've often wondered how they came up for a name for a town like Earth.
00:07:38.560 --> 00:07:40.959
I mean, the only thing less creative than that would have been planet.
00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:44.959
I mean, they must have gone to some trouble to name the town.
00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:50.160
A contest, I figured maybe an Earth probably just edged out Uranus, which would have been a good name.
00:07:58.720 --> 00:07:59.920
Earth, I might have said kids.
00:08:00.000 --> 00:08:01.279
I ain't got time, but Uranus.
00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:03.360
Oh, we're gonna drive all the way around Uranus.
00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:07.680
Actually, it's not Uranus, I was informed the other night, it's Uranus.
00:08:08.480 --> 00:08:09.519
It's not Haley's anymore.
00:08:09.600 --> 00:08:10.240
That's been changed too.
00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:11.040
It's Halley's.
00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:12.720
Well, I say fuke these people.
00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:14.160
I don't need this kind of controversy.
00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:22.079
I got enough trouble memoring these words the way they were the first time around.
00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:25.279
That amazes me even more that fuke works.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.920
But you laugh at it, so I'm keeping it in the act.
00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:34.320
I try to minimize vulgarity in my act, folks.
00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:36.559
I don't use a lot of vulgarity because it's an easy laugh, you know?
00:08:36.639 --> 00:08:38.399
Fuck is a funny word, it's just fucking funny.
00:08:38.480 --> 00:08:39.279
That's all they do.
00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:43.679
But you can't put it in your act because you can't get it out.
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:45.519
It becomes like the funny part of your joke, you know.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:47.519
Comedians are always trying to clean up their act for TV.
00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:53.759
They're always saying, Jack, I need a word like fuck that didn't fuck that I can use in the place of fuck that'll get as big as laugh as fuck that didn't fuck.
00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:56.799
And I say, well, I got news for you, pal.
00:08:56.879 --> 00:08:58.559
There ain't no fucking word like that.
00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:02.080
But if there was, I'd be fucking using it.
00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:04.720
All the fucking time.
00:09:10.960 --> 00:09:12.559
I understand the need for vulgarity.
00:09:12.639 --> 00:09:15.519
It's a very powerful thing, you know, it transcends a lot of barriers.
00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:17.759
Asshole goes through glass.
00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:23.200
You know, when you're driving down the highway and somebody cuts you off and you go.
00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:29.919
You can have the window up and the air conditioner and the radio going, and they'll tell me what you're calling when you're next to it.
00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:37.519
Clean words don't go through glass.
00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:39.919
I know I research this to some degree.
00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:48.000
Accidentally used the word asshole in front of my daughter in the car when she was four, and when her fourth electric recorders didn't ever know when I'm gonna play that stuff back.
00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:52.960
So I was trying to clean up my act.
00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:59.600
But you still got the animosity when somebody cuts you off, so I tried the clean version of asshole, which is anus, but nobody knew what I was talking about.
00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:05.039
I'm driving down the highway going, and people are driving along beside me going.
00:10:21.759 --> 00:10:25.440
Sounds like a mom would be out on a porch going, Hanus Lee, put on that stick and get in this house.
00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:28.559
Put on that stick before you poke somebody's eye out.
00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:30.240
That's what my mom used to say.
00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:32.399
Put on that stick before you poke somebody's eye.
00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:36.799
You can't poke somebody's eye out while you'd poke that sucker in if you was to poke it.
00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:40.960
Now you'd have to go up her nose and get behind that sucking out if you're gonna poke it.
00:10:43.279 --> 00:10:45.440
Which is a lot more trouble than I was willing to go to.
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:51.840
Hope myself using gussied up the other night.
00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:54.000
Didn't even know I had that word in my vocabulary.
00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:03.919
I was just talking to somebody gussied up came flying out of my What the fuke was that?
00:11:04.000 --> 00:11:04.879
Where did that come from?
00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:11.360
You ever heard gussied up?
00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:13.440
Yeah, it means you're all dressed up.
00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:15.279
Sounds like something horrible happened to you, huh?
00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:20.960
Sounds like the sheriff could be going, yeah, we found them in her ditch, but that's been gussied up by the time we got from it.
00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:28.000
It's actually a real word.
00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:28.559
I looked it up.
00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:29.519
It's actually in the dictionary.
00:11:29.600 --> 00:11:31.919
I thought it was a colloquialism, but it's a real word.
00:11:32.080 --> 00:11:34.159
But it's gusty, it's past tense in the dictionary.
00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:35.279
There's no verb form to it.
00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:37.120
There's no two guts or two degust.
00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:38.480
I don't know exactly how you get this way.
00:11:39.600 --> 00:11:41.440
Just somehow you get gusty.
00:11:42.799 --> 00:11:45.120
And you remain that way for quite a while.
00:11:46.480 --> 00:11:47.679
Till they hold you down or something.
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:48.480
I don't know exactly.
00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:52.000
How they de-gut you, I'm sure it must hurt quite a bit.
00:11:57.120 --> 00:11:58.000
Kind of like mingle.
00:11:58.080 --> 00:11:59.360
Is it a party recently and they were going?
00:11:59.519 --> 00:12:00.240
Just get out there and mingle.
00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:02.240
What a disgusting word that is, mingle.
00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:04.240
Kind of like you get your hands all greasy out there.
00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:11.360
Kind of like you'd read a paper where ladies have been found mingled, you know, and hell, they'd come looking for me because I've been mingling at the party last night.
00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:14.960
I like merge.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:15.519
There's a good word.
00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:17.519
I've been living out in Southern California for 10 years.
00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:18.480
I'm a bad driver now.
00:12:18.559 --> 00:12:24.320
When I come up the entrance for that freeway at 80 miles an hour, you better get your butts out of the way up there because I'm fixing to merge in the tram.
00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:28.000
I ain't mingling, pal, so get out of the way.
00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:30.559
I'm in a hurry and I'm lost.
00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:35.600
That was Jack Mayberry out of Texas.
00:12:35.679 --> 00:12:37.279
I'm sure you caught the accent.
00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:40.080
Very funny guy, always had great stories.
00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:43.440
We're gonna keep this moving right along with our next headliner.
00:12:43.600 --> 00:12:45.519
You've heard him before on my podcast.
00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:46.639
He's a great friend.
00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:48.960
We still work together fairly regularly.
00:12:49.200 --> 00:12:50.639
He's out of the Bay Area.
00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:56.480
Let's hear some great stand-up comedy live on stage from Steve Brunner.
00:12:57.279 --> 00:12:59.759
Played my share of Nightmare Gigs 2 a couple months back.
00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:05.120
I played a sports bar where after the comedy show they were having a midnight dark tournament.
00:13:05.360 --> 00:13:11.519
Man, if there's anything drunk people shouldn't be allowed to do, one guy sobered up a hundred people.
00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:14.480
All he did was yell out catch.
00:13:17.120 --> 00:13:21.279
Started me thinking, not a lot of sports where you drink heavily, then try to do better.
00:13:21.679 --> 00:13:25.840
Not like a bunch of guys are gonna finish off a fifth of Jack Daniels and go skydiving.
00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:28.480
Unless they invite the designated pullers.
00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:32.000
Not that I would ever go parachuting anyway.
00:13:32.080 --> 00:13:35.360
I figured out a long time ago, first part of parachute is perish.
00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.720
Guess if it doesn't open, that's where shoot comes in.
00:13:49.279 --> 00:13:55.120
Now the only sport I've found where you can drink as much as you want, you're guaranteed to do better.
00:13:55.200 --> 00:13:56.799
That would have to be bowling.
00:13:58.080 --> 00:13:58.399
Right?
00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:02.159
Because first of all, you have to be drunk to rent shoes for 50 cents.
00:14:03.519 --> 00:14:05.120
Then think you look good.
00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:08.639
Not only that, bowling and drinking kind of develop together.
00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:10.720
That's why they have name tags right there in the shirt.
00:14:10.960 --> 00:14:13.679
You can get as drunk as you want, scores up there for everybody to see.
00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:15.200
It's not like you can lose your place in line.
00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:15.840
Like, who's up?
00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:16.399
Steve?
00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:18.240
Okay, everybody check.
00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:22.639
Oh, I'm not Steve, I'm some guy named Ebbett.
00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:24.240
Oh no, that's Steve.
00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:25.200
Alright, I'll grab a ball.
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:26.399
Hang on one second.
00:14:27.360 --> 00:14:30.639
Okay, the people laughing at that joke, could you explain it to the people not laughing?
00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:32.159
That would help me out on that.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:39.120
Last time I went bowling, had a few beers, drastically improved my score.
00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:43.519
Because it is a hell of a lot easier knocking down 10 pins when you're looking at 20.
00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:47.440
Fun to be here too.
00:14:48.080 --> 00:14:51.519
You know, the last time I was here, it had a very bizarre experience.
00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:54.960
I got carded for buying a lottery ticket.
00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:57.200
You only have to be 18 to buy a lottery ticket.
00:14:57.279 --> 00:15:04.399
There's like take my ego and going, pool! There are about 10 people lying behind me because that's a secret to complete humiliation.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:05.279
You can't be alone, right?
00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:08.559
So I'm in there feeling kind of lucky to say, yeah, I'd like to buy a lottery ticket, if you don't mind.
00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:10.320
You need to see my ID for a lot tick.
00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:11.200
Can you believe they're asking?
00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:11.919
Oh, you can.
00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:12.720
Okay, alright.
00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:14.159
Well, here's my ID.
00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:15.519
It says I'm over 30.
00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:19.440
Now, if you could just get me some beer and some condoms, I could get my manhood back.
00:15:21.679 --> 00:15:24.960
In fact, for all these people back here, I want you to do a price check.
00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:28.720
Now I'm not leaving until I hear Jumbo Trojans on one.
00:15:33.519 --> 00:15:36.240
Uh I wouldn't want a mirror, I'd want a window.
00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:36.799
Okay.
00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:39.519
I don't know what to do to look older.
00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:40.879
People give me suggestions all the time.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.440
I think the suggestion I hear most often, grow a mustache.
00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:44.240
Great idea.
00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:46.399
I'd do it in a minute if I could.
00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:49.200
Some people get that bulk about working up here.
00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.440
I seem to have the right smack dab up front, you know?
00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:55.759
Would have shaved a night, but the blow dryer took care of most of it, so I didn't really have to worry about it.
00:15:56.159 --> 00:16:02.559
The other suggestion I get a lot, people suggest I gain some weight, but they don't mean eat a lot weight, they mean workout weight, which scares the hell out of me.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:08.480
Because I think the last thing I really want to have is a big old muscly body and still have a little tiny baby-faced head.
00:16:09.919 --> 00:16:14.320
Because I don't care what bar you walk into with that combination, you're gonna get beat up.
00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:20.799
Just waiting for the drunk cowboy to get nothing better to do.
00:16:20.879 --> 00:16:22.480
Let's just beat up the Gerber baby.
00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:35.600
Oh man, I haven't worked out for a long time.
00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:36.000
Probably.
00:16:36.240 --> 00:16:37.039
I'm so out of shape.
00:16:37.120 --> 00:16:41.279
If I went to the gym tomorrow, I'd probably get to the door and have to go spot me.
00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:42.000
Okay, thanks.
00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:42.639
I appreciate it.
00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:45.039
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:50.320
I think my best hope for getting in shape would be to get a home gym.
00:16:50.559 --> 00:16:53.519
Just something I could do at home and not really embarrass myself when I go to a real gym.
00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:54.720
Just like, you know, something I could do.
00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:56.080
Like a rowing machine.
00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:57.120
An easy one.
00:16:57.360 --> 00:16:59.039
One that comes the outboard.
00:17:06.559 --> 00:17:10.319
I don't want to start with Stairmaster, I kind of want Escalator Master.
00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:15.440
Almost made it to housewares.
00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:16.240
Check the pulse.
00:17:16.319 --> 00:17:16.640
Doing fine.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:16.960
Alright.
00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:17.519
Anyway.
00:17:21.200 --> 00:17:22.640
I have tried the bike.
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:26.480
I have tried the bike, but darn that stupid bike gives you way too many choices.
00:17:26.559 --> 00:17:30.079
It gives you like random manual hill.
00:17:31.039 --> 00:17:32.240
I picked hill.
00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:34.480
Who knew it was up?
00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:35.440
Hill.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:40.240
I like the summertime too.
00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.880
I like it because there are a lot more kids out when it's not school.
00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:46.079
And I like kids that had a whole new perspective to everything you do, just walking around.
00:17:46.160 --> 00:17:48.240
I know this just from flying in not too long ago.
00:17:48.480 --> 00:17:50.400
Pilot said something about just we're about to land.
00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:53.039
There's going to be turbulence upon landing, so all the adults are hanging on.
00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:53.920
What the hell does that mean?
00:17:54.000 --> 00:17:54.319
I don't know.
00:17:54.400 --> 00:17:54.880
Just hang on.
00:17:54.960 --> 00:18:02.720
A little girl, about five years old, about four rows up, is going, we that's the secret to life, man.
00:18:02.880 --> 00:18:07.359
Next time you're in a real frustrating situation, right in the middle of your frustration, just break out.
00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:10.400
We think it'll help you.
00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:11.920
Let's say you're at the doctor's office.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:17.200
One of those really serious doctor exams where the doctor says that stupid thing, like bend over and relax.
00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:24.000
As soon as he says that, just we hell, give him something to worry about.
00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:28.240
Because kids are great, man.
00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:32.960
You want to hear comedy, listen to a child about five years old try to do the Pledge of Allegiance.
00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:34.720
That's the funniest thing you'll ever hear.
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:39.359
I pledge Elizabeth to the flag on the Chinese plates of America.
00:18:39.680 --> 00:18:47.440
And on the subject of that witch who stands by the one naked individual under God with library juice for Paul.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:50.799
It's like Dr.
00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:52.960
Seuss Rudder, they have no idea.
00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:57.200
I grew up not too far from here, Santa Rosa, California.
00:18:57.359 --> 00:18:58.799
I get to visit that, which is all nice.
00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:01.039
And I'm driving with my sister and her daughter.
00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:02.160
My niece is in the car.
00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:09.359
Radio, uh, a little announcement comes over the radio, says, 90% of all car accidents happen within 10 miles of your house.
00:19:09.599 --> 00:19:12.880
My niece turns to her mom and says, We better move.
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:24.000
Because I talk about what an easy job I have being a comedian.
00:19:24.079 --> 00:19:25.599
I know the toughest job of all time.
00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:26.960
That would have to be parents.
00:19:27.200 --> 00:19:28.480
There's a tough job.
00:19:29.039 --> 00:19:31.039
Damn easy job to get, though.
00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:36.079
I think most people love the interview.
00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:39.599
You don't have to dress for it, promise.
00:19:43.039 --> 00:19:49.039
Parents are actually kind of silly when they start out, or they wouldn't say such dumb things to their kids like, don't you get smart.
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:50.319
Okay.
00:19:52.160 --> 00:19:54.960
Well, thanks for setting goals I can reach.
00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:02.799
Then they say they're teaching us by example.
00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:08.240
And then they'll go, that'll teach you not to hit your brother.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:10.559
Okay.
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:13.839
Not getting smart.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:18.319
My parents were obsessed with my eyesight.
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:22.960
Didn't matter what I asked for for Christmas or birthday, what I wanted to play with, I was gonna poke my eye out.
00:20:23.680 --> 00:20:24.160
Didn't matter.
00:20:24.240 --> 00:20:25.359
I'd asked for the BB gun.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.599
No, no, you poke your eye out with a BB gun.
00:20:27.839 --> 00:20:29.920
Everybody on the block would be playing with water balloons.
00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:30.720
I couldn't join them.
00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:34.319
I was gonna poke my eye out with a water balloon.
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:37.599
Just one time I needed my mom to point out some old man with an eye patch.
00:20:37.839 --> 00:20:39.599
Gee, mister, are you a war veteran?
00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:40.160
Nope.
00:20:40.480 --> 00:20:41.680
Water balloon actually.
00:20:46.079 --> 00:20:52.000
His parents say the silliest thing, dumbest thing I remember hearing when I was growing up when the folks told me, keep your hands to yourself.
00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:55.359
Because later they say, if you do that, you'll go blind.
00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:02.799
I don't know how they thought I could poke my eye out with that.
00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:11.200
Because parents are very sexually confusing.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:13.039
They don't mean to be sometimes, but they are.
00:21:13.119 --> 00:21:17.119
My mother's favorite expression I was growing up was tit for tat for tat tit for tattoo.
00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:21.599
Then I remember reaching puberty thinking, okay, now where can I get some tats to trade?
00:21:24.799 --> 00:21:26.160
And how many tits for a tat?
00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:28.000
I need to know the exchange rate here.
00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:36.720
Parents are funny people, you get your sense of humor from your parents.
00:21:36.799 --> 00:21:42.640
I don't get it as much from my dad, although he had a great sense of humor because I remember those haircuts he gave me to prove it.
00:21:43.680 --> 00:21:47.680
I also remember the big conversation I had with him about telling him no.
00:21:47.839 --> 00:21:49.440
Don't ever tell me no.
00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:52.160
You tell me no, I'll give you a beating.
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:54.000
Do you want a beating?
00:21:58.400 --> 00:21:59.359
Uh maybe.
00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:03.759
If you could rephrase that, I'll get back to you in a couple minutes.
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:04.720
How about that?
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:15.759
I hardly ever got in trouble when my dad was around, actually, because he would do something a lot of dads do, something I call head steering.
00:22:16.160 --> 00:22:21.680
When he was in charge, he'd put his big old hand right on top of my little tiny head and just take me for a test drive.
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:27.119
And you can never run away when you're in this position either, because if you got fidgety, he would just downshift.
00:22:28.160 --> 00:22:32.559
It's really hard to run away when that two-legged drive with your vertebrates being crushed underneath.
00:22:34.720 --> 00:22:39.839
And he would work this, the coolest part, he would work this into whatever conversation he was having with you at the time.
00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:42.559
You will never park your bike in the driveway again, will you?
00:22:42.720 --> 00:22:43.519
Uh-uh.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:46.079
Got any questions?
00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:46.640
No.
00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:48.400
Alright, go play.
00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:50.319
Go play Quasimodo.
00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:50.880
Thanks.
00:22:52.880 --> 00:22:55.599
I get my sense of humor from my mom, because she was very funny.
00:22:55.680 --> 00:22:57.359
I mean, she'd say the silliest thing.
00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:00.400
Like, it's only funny till somebody gets hurt.
00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:03.839
That's when it's really funny, duh.
00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:14.079
I get my sense of humor from my mom because she would laugh at every single joke I ever played on her right before she beat the crap out of me.
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:19.519
Always in that order, too, that little laugh was a dead giveaway that you were gonna get it.
00:23:19.759 --> 00:23:23.359
I remember walking in the house when I was six years old, had my mom say, Don't slam the door.
00:23:23.599 --> 00:23:25.519
And I don't want to have to tell you twice.
00:23:25.759 --> 00:23:27.599
I of course said, What?
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:33.519
She, of course, said, Don't slam the door.
00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:35.119
And I don't want to have to tell you.
00:23:37.359 --> 00:23:38.880
Don't run from me.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:43.839
Anybody's mom ever said, Don't run from me.
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:46.640
We all know that was the starter's gun.
00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:51.359
Because at about six years old, we had it figured out.
00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:52.880
Our moms had zones, right?
00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:57.680
She had the hit zone about a foot from her body, where leverage was the best.
00:23:57.920 --> 00:24:02.319
She had the grab zone, the extent of her reach, to pull you into the hit zone.
00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:06.319
Everything beyond these two was free space.
00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:10.400
Also known as the wait till your father gets homes up.
00:24:11.759 --> 00:24:17.759
So you knew you were in free space if you ever heard don't run for me, because otherwise you'd already be on your way into the hit zone.
00:24:18.559 --> 00:24:22.480
So your mom said don't run for me to try to confuse you so she could move up.
00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:24.799
Which was the silliest thing in the entire world.
00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:28.880
As soon as you heard the duh of don't, your little body filled with adrenaline, you were cartoon.
00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:37.039
I always thought if my mom wanted to confuse me, she should have said something quick and different, like candy.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:43.039
Because for that split second that she needed to move up, I would have looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:53.039
And to be honest with you, I was an obnoxious kid growing up too, boy.
00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:57.680
I was especially obnoxious at big family gatherings because somebody would always make fun of how young I looked.
00:24:57.839 --> 00:24:59.759
So I was like, well, well, well, Steve.
00:24:59.920 --> 00:25:01.200
Are you shaving yet?
00:25:01.759 --> 00:25:03.599
No, I'm saving up.
00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:07.519
So I can grow a mustache like you, Aunt Betty.
00:25:11.680 --> 00:25:15.680
Aunt Betty, worst thing about Aunt Betty, she started every sentence the exact same way.
00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:17.119
I was always, well, well, well.
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:18.559
Well, well, well.
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:20.559
First time I heard this, I nudged her.
00:25:20.880 --> 00:25:22.400
I thought she was skipping.
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:27.680
Then, of course, there's the most fun I ever had at one of the big family gatherings.
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:31.759
That's when my mom said, All right now, Steve, eat every carrot and pee on your plate.
00:25:36.559 --> 00:25:38.880
I was grounded for weeks.
00:25:40.079 --> 00:25:43.039
Got in one hell of a good shot at Aunt Betty, though.
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:46.720
Oh, I know you enjoyed that.
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:49.119
Steve is one of the funniest guys around.
00:25:49.359 --> 00:25:58.480
He is a terrific headlining comic and has worked for me for something like 40 years, off and on, and is so happy to be able to present his terrific material.
00:25:58.720 --> 00:26:03.440
Hey, we're gonna keep this comedy pace going with our third headliner in this show.
00:26:03.680 --> 00:26:06.960
As I mentioned previously, you've heard Kermit's name before.
00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:10.240
He's been featured on a couple previous podcasts.
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:14.559
He is a terrific headlining comic, very clean, very talented.
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:17.119
In one of our shows, he did some music for us.
00:26:17.519 --> 00:26:19.519
But he is originally out of Hawaii.
00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:22.079
Now he was based out of Seattle, Washington.
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:26.960
Let's hear some stand-up comedy from headliner Kermit Apio.
00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:30.480
I never really got into drugs, to be honest.
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:31.920
I'm not a health nut.
00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:34.480
I'm I'm just too lazy to get a habit.
00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:39.119
You gotta find a dealer, well, start tomorrow.
00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.160
I admire addicts, they get it done.
00:26:48.079 --> 00:26:50.160
Smokers, very impressive.
00:26:50.799 --> 00:26:54.319
Smokers have stick to it-ness like I will never know.
00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:56.400
I love the smokers.
00:26:56.559 --> 00:26:58.400
Hey, make a law, force them outside.
00:26:58.559 --> 00:26:59.680
They don't care.
00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:03.599
Negative thirty degrees, they're out there.
00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:04.480
This sucks.
00:27:06.960 --> 00:27:09.119
They're holding hands, singing kumbaya.
00:27:09.440 --> 00:27:10.960
That's a family out there.
00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:16.319
They bond.
00:27:17.279 --> 00:27:20.640
Excuse me, total stranger, person I don't know.
00:27:21.279 --> 00:27:23.359
May I get a cigarette from you?
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:28.160
And every time, well, sure, total stranger that I don't know.
00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:30.880
Because someday I'll need that back.
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:34.880
And then they hug.
00:27:37.839 --> 00:27:39.519
It's awesome.
00:27:40.559 --> 00:27:42.559
I can't go up to another non-smoker.
00:27:42.720 --> 00:27:45.599
Hey, can I have some of your pudding?
00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:48.559
Come on, it's been a rough day.
00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:50.400
I'd love some pudding, you know.
00:27:50.880 --> 00:27:53.200
Tapioca, that's my brand, dude.
00:27:58.240 --> 00:28:03.519
And non-smokers, don't get me wrong, I'm one of you, but generally smokers make better audience members.
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:05.519
Because they don't worry as much.
00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:11.920
Non-smokers are more prone to the, well, I hope he understands that certain topics might be offensive to certain people.
00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:16.000
Smokers, no way.
00:28:16.079 --> 00:28:17.519
That's too many words.
00:28:18.799 --> 00:28:19.759
We're gonna die.
00:28:19.920 --> 00:28:20.880
Tell us a joke.
00:28:21.039 --> 00:28:29.519
Woo! You are not offending the smoker.
00:28:30.720 --> 00:28:31.920
If you do, what are they gonna do?
00:28:32.079 --> 00:28:32.720
Chase you?
00:28:32.960 --> 00:28:33.440
Really?
00:28:40.559 --> 00:28:41.119
Am I kidding?
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:43.359
I eat spam, they'll catch up eventually.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:47.759
Smoker versus spam eater, it's a tie.
00:28:52.319 --> 00:28:54.240
I'm not in very good shape.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:56.720
I want to get in better shape, but you know what?
00:28:56.799 --> 00:28:59.759
The uh double chin really frames the hair loss.
00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:05.440
It's my goal to look like a beanbag chair before I die.
00:29:07.680 --> 00:29:10.160
I find it easier to just lower the goals.
00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:16.640
My old goal was to look like the rock with a thyroid problem, but that was hard.
00:29:18.480 --> 00:29:19.920
It's kind of a visual punchline.
00:29:20.240 --> 00:29:20.799
Focus in.
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:21.359
You'll grab it.
00:29:21.440 --> 00:29:22.400
You'll grab it.
00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.440
You get these signs you're gaining weight, they're very annoying.
00:29:33.680 --> 00:29:36.079
I put my cell phone in my back pocket.
00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:38.480
My ass made three calls.
00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.720
And not sitting down, walking.
00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:45.519
That's not speed dial either.
00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:46.960
When did this happen?
00:29:50.160 --> 00:29:50.960
You do what you can.
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:51.839
I join a health club.
00:29:51.920 --> 00:29:56.720
It's 30 bucks a month, which breaks down to about 30 bucks a workout.
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:05.599
Or 30 bucks a shower if you want to get technical, whatever.
00:30:07.839 --> 00:30:10.000
It's four blocks from my house, I drive.
00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:11.359
How sad is that?
00:30:17.279 --> 00:30:19.839
All right, it's not a health club, it's a Mexican restaurant.
00:30:19.920 --> 00:30:21.440
But here's the thing.
00:30:23.039 --> 00:30:28.799
After a large burrito and hot salsa, I'm tired and sweaty when I leave, isn't that the goal, everybody?
00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:35.920
This is my job skill, folks.
00:30:36.160 --> 00:30:39.519
When comedy ends, my first job interview will not go up.
00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:41.359
I won't know what to say.
00:30:42.880 --> 00:30:45.680
How about a big round of applause for the other applicants?
00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:50.319
Qualifications?
00:30:50.480 --> 00:30:52.400
Well, I'm lazy and sarcastic.
00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:53.599
What do you got?
00:30:55.839 --> 00:30:58.400
Eight hours in a row?
00:31:01.200 --> 00:31:03.440
That's like a week and a half for me.
00:31:06.240 --> 00:31:08.480
I work an hour a day.
00:31:09.119 --> 00:31:12.480
When I have a bad day at work, it's bad for an hour.
00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:17.759
I got twenty-three to get over it, you know.
00:31:22.640 --> 00:31:23.680
I have no skills.
00:31:23.759 --> 00:31:25.119
I'll never truly be needed.
00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:26.319
That's what I realized.
00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:27.519
This is never gonna happen.
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:28.559
Oh my god.
00:31:28.960 --> 00:31:31.440
Is there a comedian in the house?
00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:34.559
Come on, laugh, dammit, laugh.
00:31:35.359 --> 00:31:37.119
Clear, tickle, tickle, tickle.
00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:37.839
Come on.
00:31:43.359 --> 00:31:47.200
I have no job skills, I have no life skills, I can't fix anything.
00:31:47.519 --> 00:31:49.519
My car breaks down, I can do two things.
00:31:49.680 --> 00:31:51.839
I can open the hood and stare.
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:56.240
Hope to see that big problem right on top.
00:31:56.480 --> 00:31:57.680
And I mean obvious.
00:31:57.759 --> 00:32:01.759
It's gotta be like, hey, there's a poodle in here.
00:32:07.119 --> 00:32:10.559
I don't have triple A, I got this cheaper plan, I got uh double A.
00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:15.039
Just a bunch of alcoholics pushing my card on the highway.
00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:20.240
I appreciate the 12 steps, and hey, we're done.
00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:33.119
I've been doing a lot of flying, and you know what?
00:32:33.200 --> 00:32:36.240
Here's what I've learned flying through airports across America.
00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:41.200
Apparently, the smaller the town, the more I look Arab.
00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:49.039
I just go to some airports in my underwear, because who are we kidding?
00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:50.240
Let's save time.
00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:54.960
Here's my shoes, here's my pants.
00:32:55.119 --> 00:32:56.720
Yes, I'll have a seat.
00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:00.079
He's got a shampoo and a nail clipper.
00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:01.039
Let's take him out now.
00:33:01.119 --> 00:33:02.079
Take him down.
00:33:06.559 --> 00:33:10.880
Not only do they take the nail clippers from you, they ask you why you have them.
00:33:18.079 --> 00:33:21.759
And don't get me wrong, I am all for safety, absolutely.
00:33:21.920 --> 00:33:23.440
But here's the deal.
00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:34.240
If you try and take over the plane with nail clippers, I will beat the crap out of you.
00:33:36.160 --> 00:33:41.279
I haven't been in a fight since the seventh grade, but it's go time.
00:33:41.440 --> 00:33:42.400
I got this.
00:33:47.759 --> 00:33:49.839
You have nail clippers.
00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:53.519
I've got an in-flight magazine with your name on it.
00:33:55.839 --> 00:33:56.640
What are you gonna do?
00:33:56.880 --> 00:33:58.400
File it down for a while?
00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:01.680
Well, let's do that.
00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:06.559
When in a radio shack, the guy tells me the slogan.
00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:10.880
I'm just standing there, all of a sudden, you've got questions, we've got answers.
00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:19.840
So I look at him and I go, why doesn't my father just accept me?
00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:28.079
Apparently they don't have all the answers at Radio Shot.
00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:30.480
That guy was frozen to oh.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:34.239
It's not my department, really.
00:34:35.360 --> 00:34:37.280
But I still need your address.
00:34:41.199 --> 00:34:46.800
I went into the everything's a dollar store to return some stuff.
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:49.920
No, this is crap.
00:34:52.639 --> 00:34:57.039
No, I don't have the receipt, but I'm guessing it's a buck.
00:35:00.159 --> 00:35:02.079
I need a price check over here.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:05.599
A price check on a paper spatula.
00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:14.320
We love the dollar stores.
00:35:14.400 --> 00:35:16.159
It's crap, but it's only a dollar.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:20.000
I can buy two pieces of crap for two dollars.
00:35:21.840 --> 00:35:23.519
That's the American way.
00:35:24.079 --> 00:35:25.039
The outlet malls.
00:35:25.119 --> 00:35:27.679
We love oh look, I got these pants for eight bucks, outlet mall.
00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:28.639
Eight bucks, yeah.
00:35:29.920 --> 00:35:33.039
Well, the zippers in the back, but it's eight bucks, though.
00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:40.159
You want to explain America to a foreign person?
00:35:40.239 --> 00:35:41.440
Just take them to Costco.
00:35:41.519 --> 00:35:42.960
That is who we are.
00:35:43.760 --> 00:35:44.800
You see what I got there?
00:35:44.960 --> 00:35:46.079
I got mustard.
00:35:47.119 --> 00:35:48.079
Until I die.
00:35:48.239 --> 00:35:49.199
Look at that.
00:35:50.800 --> 00:35:52.639
I got my mustard on a flatbed.
00:35:52.719 --> 00:35:54.719
I can't lift it up by myself.
00:36:00.320 --> 00:36:02.159
Think about the theory of Costco.
00:36:02.239 --> 00:36:03.760
If you break it down, here's what it is.
00:36:03.920 --> 00:36:07.360
Hey, you want to buy eight gallons of tartar sauce?
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:10.480
No.
00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:12.800
Three bucks?
00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:13.840
Yeah, now I do.
00:36:13.920 --> 00:36:16.159
Yes, I do now, absolutely.
00:36:19.519 --> 00:36:23.119
More tartar sauce than I'll ever need, but think of the savings.
00:36:25.119 --> 00:36:28.880
That was Kermit Apio, a very talented headliner.
00:36:28.960 --> 00:36:32.960
You've heard him before on the shows, and I know you enjoyed that last comedy set.
00:36:33.119 --> 00:36:34.719
One of our favorite regulars.
00:36:34.880 --> 00:36:42.079
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, we just presented three terrific headliners, all funny, and I know you enjoyed the show.
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:43.519
Thanks so much for listening.
00:36:43.679 --> 00:36:56.320
Hey, a little reminder, like I mentioned at the beginning of the podcast, there is a new speak pipe button on the last page of the website, www.standupyourhostnc.com.
00:36:56.719 --> 00:37:02.960
Get a chance, hit that button and leave me a message, a request, or tell a story and we'll put it on the show.
00:37:03.199 --> 00:37:05.360
Thanks again for being a regular listener.
00:37:05.519 --> 00:37:09.599
Be sure to tell your friends, rate us, and we'll see you next week.
00:37:09.840 --> 00:37:10.480
Bye.
00:37:11.599 --> 00:37:15.440
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Stand Up Comedy, your host and MC.
00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:26.400
For information on the show, merchandise, and our sponsors, or to send comments to Scott, visit our website at www.standupyourhost and mc.com.
00:37:26.880 --> 00:37:30.880
Look for more episodes soon, and enjoy the world of stand up comedy.
00:37:31.119 --> 00:37:33.360
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