Tips for a Pleasurable Hospital Birth

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Debra Pascali-Bonaro:: Welcome
to the Orgasmic Birth Podcast,
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where we explore ways to make
your birth and parenting
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experience positive, empowering
and uniquely yours. I'm Debra
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Pascali-Bonaro, your host. And
today, I want to dive into
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something close and dear to my
heart.
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People hear me talk all the time
about orgasmic birth, and they
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think that's for someone else.
That's only for people that are
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birthing at home and in birth
centers. And yes, home birth and
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birth centers do create an
environment that is more
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conducive to a pleasurable
birth, but you can have a
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pleasurable birth in a hospital
setting too.
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I want to talk to you today,
whether you're a first time
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parent or you're planning
another birth, I want you to
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have my five tips to help you
navigate a hospital environment,
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and ensure that you feel safe,
private, in control, supported
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and at peace so you can have a
pleasurable, orgasmic birth as
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well. So my first tip is
PREPARE. Prepare. Prepare. If
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you've been listening to our
podcast and you hear so many
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people share their story, they
either, if they had a first
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birth that was very joyful,
pleasurable, challenging and
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amazing, they did a lot of
preparation. And when they're
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coming back and joining us after
baby two, three or four, and
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they really look back, and they
always say, I wish I knew what I
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learned now before, and they
usually advocate for education
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its power. So I say one of the
first things to do is create a
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birth plan, or what I call birth
preferences.
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What other things will you want
on your comfort kit? I know, as
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And if you look in the notes,
I'm giving you a free template.
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a doula trainer, I do a lot of
teaching around how to use birth
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You can use our guide. You can
go in, choose your preferences,
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balls, peanut balls, the cub,
which stands for comfortable
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upright birth rebozo, showers,
tubs, touch, affirmations,
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print it out and have it as your
own tool. But it's really
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movement, dancing, all the ways
that you can bring comfort and
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pleasure too. And if you've been
listening to many podcasts, and
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we're going to be getting a lot
more into it, we have the
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science to really say that,
whether it's intimacy, kissing,
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self pleasure, nipple
stimulation, they're all great
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ways to reduce discomfort and
create more relaxation and ease.
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But you have to be able to
communicate whatever your
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important that whatever you use,
you clearly outline your
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preferences are to your birth
team. And so really taking the
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time to both write it down, but
also call ahead, ask for extra
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time at your next visit to say
that you'd like to go over this
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with them, and make sure that
they feel comfortable, that what
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you're desiring is a part of
what their practice is. This may
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include laboring out of bed a
lot, which we know creates more
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shorter, more comfortable, less
painful labors. And talk about
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preferences in a positive way,
what you want versus what you
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stand up and give birth. Don't
let anybody put you down.
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I say a lot of making sure that
upright birth positions are
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there. But I also say, you never
know what birth is going to ask
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of you, and you only get half
the equation. Your baby gets the
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other half. Sometimes, they take
the scenic route. They want to
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tore your pelvis sometimes for
their safety or well being, or
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your own. You might need some of
the assistance that medical care
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can give, maybe even epidural
cesarean birth, nitrous oxide,
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IV, intravenous drips, synthetic
oxytocin. There are many things.
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don't want. Too often, I see
people write things, I don't
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I would encourage you to go
through those as well, talk with
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your caregivers when they're
used, how they're used, and to
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make sure that you have a voice
and a choice in it. It's really
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important. We know that people
that look back and have birth
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trauma often had things done to
them without having the time to
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understand it, without having
the opportunity to either
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consent or refuse. And so this
tool of creating preferences is
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to kind of do your ideal birth,
what would you like? But if
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want this, I don't want that.
And already, that's putting it
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birth takes a different path,
every birth has the ability to
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be positive, and a big part of
that is you feel supported, you
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feel respected. You're a part of
decision making, and you have
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good communication with your
entire birth team. So put some
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time into creating your
preferences, and they may modify
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over time. But definitely
important to have and keep them
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flexible.
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Next is really tour your place
of birth. If this is a hospital,
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you really want to familiarize
yourself with the environment.
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in the negative. And we wonder
why so many caregivers are like,
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Most hospitals offer prenatal
tours, and you may have to call
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or go to the website and sign up
ahead of time. You really want
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to see the labor rooms. What are
they like? How do you feel when
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you enter them? Meet the staff.
Ask them questions about those
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policies. So laboring in
different positions. Can you be
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in the shower? Do they have
tubs? Do they allow you to labor
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and birth in the tub? How do
they feel about elements of
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pleasure? Will you have the
ability to have the privacy that
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you may desire for just love,
connection and intimacy with
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yourself or your partner? So
really to get a feel. And I
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oh, no, not another long list of
things people don't want. Really
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always say to people, if the
first place you see gives you
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hesitation, imagine this is like
a really sexy date, and if you
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thought you were going to a
place and this is where you are
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going to be the most vulnerable
and the most intimate, and you
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walk in and you're like, not
here. Most people would say,
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okay, we're finding another
location. Well, your birth
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deserves that same thing you've
heard us talk about. That the
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hormones of birth, the energy
that we bring to birth is very
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similar to the energy of
intimacy. So if you get that not
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important, think about what you
do want. Take responsibility for
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here feeling, you may want to
explore other places. So
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ideally, visit several different
birth sites and visit early
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enough in your pregnancy that
you can choose providers that
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are at the site that gives you a
sense of safety of giving you
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that privacy, and a place that
you know you could be intimate
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with yourself and your partner.
Create a comfort kit too. So if
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that birth room, and often any
birth room doesn't make you feel
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totally safe and sexy in it? You
can actually change it.
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I've talked about creating birth
ambience. So things like aroma
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that. Consider and make sure you
learn about the hormones of
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therapy, your favorite set list,
cozy snacks, cozy socks. Sorry,
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end snacks, a soft robe, items
that make you feel good. A lot
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of people wish they could bring
their pets, but you can't do
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that in a hospital. But you
could bring pictures of them. If
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you know my birth story, if
you've listened along the way, I
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spent some time literally
locked. I locked myself in the
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bathroom for a bit because I
wanted to be alone. I felt
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safest and private. And although
my great grandmother had passed
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on, I was really calling on her
strength and her wisdom of
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childbirth. We've talked about
that in numerous episodes,
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having birthed 8 children at
home. And my mother and
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grandmother at that time, were
300 miles away, but I felt their
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love and wisdom with me. So
again, it could be pictures of
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people that might have passed
on. It could be pictures of
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people that just are not there.
Maybe they live too far away, or
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you don't want them there, but
you want their love and energy
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there. So creating a sacred
space for yourself. You can
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really change a hospital room by
changing the lights, changing
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the smells, bringing in some of
your own effects. I always say,
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including two great ones with
Dr. Sarah Buckley, that you need
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bring your own pillow too. Their
pillows usually are not that
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cozy. But when you put some of
your things around, just think
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about how you can change that.
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And lastly, take a really good
childbirth class. I think it's
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super important that you have a
class that really gives you the
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knowledge that you need. That
types you through all those pain
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coping strategies, I like to
call them comfort measures, that
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talks about all the different
medical techniques and
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technology. What are the
benefits? What are the risks?
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What are the alternatives? And
if you do choose them or not
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to feel private, safe and
unobserved. As she said, to find
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need them, how can you do them
safely where you feel honored
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and respected, and still can
make this a really positive
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special experience? So we offer
our Pleasurable Birth Essentials
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with our own special, unique
brand of pleasure. Because I do
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believe that pleasure is a
really important ingredient to
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bring into prenatal preparation,
and can be really literally
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labor changing in birth. So
check out our Pleasurable Birth
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comfort.
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Essentials, but
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My not other category two is
really, set that mood for your
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birth room when you arrive. So
we kind of talked about thinking
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about it. But when you get
there, whether it's your doula,
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your partner, have someone
that's designated to keep the
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ambience, to adjust the
lighting, to put on the music.
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And so many partners love to DJ
the birth, and I love that,
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where they can queue up
different set lists for
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different feelings, and just
make it fun at times, and use
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that aroma therapy. I don't know
anybody when I say, if you were
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planning a really romantic
evening, would hospital smell be
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a part of it? And everybody kind
of squints up and goes, no. So
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change that fate space. And as I
mentioned, bring your favorite
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things around you. So when you
get to your birth space, have
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someone designated. Because if
you're in labor, you're not
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going to be the one doing that.
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I remember a couple times that
I've done a lot of birth art
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with clients as we're preparing
for birth, and one person had
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done so much. Actually, she was
an artist too, that we couldn't
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even fit all her art in the
room. So instead, she laid it
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all out on a gallery floor. Her
husband took up, shot down at
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it, and we actually pre measured
the wall that it would fit in
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the birthing space. And one of
the first things I did as the
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doula with sticky tack is put up
this beautiful one. We
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wallpapered with all her birth
art that expressed all her
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different fears, feelings,
desires, affirmations and
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wishes. So setting this space
and having the people that are
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going to transform it for you
very quickly. So when you get in
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it, and hopefully you're
arriving at the hospital where
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you're in good, hard labor so
you're not going to be the one
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putting that aroma therapy out
there. Having that done for you,
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but having done the pre work in
pregnancy to plan for it really
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shifts. Because when the space
feels like your space, you're
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going to move literally in
different ways versus coming in
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and having it feel like another
hospital room where you might
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feel that you need to get in the
bed and you become a patient
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where things are more done to
you, this is a day to stay in
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your power. And so when you make
this space your own, you're more
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likely to then move and do
things in your way.
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My third tip is advocate for
your needs. Use your brains,
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your voice and choice matters.
So again, communicate your
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preferences prenatally to your
caregiver. But really important
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in labor, you have a way how are
you going to make sure that your
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voice and choice is always
honored. Do you have a partner
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or a doula? Or both? Doulas are
really important. I feel at
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birth, and of course, I'm a
doula trainer so I have that
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bias. But often when you're in
labor, you have trouble really
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advocating and speaking for
yourself. And sometimes, if you
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ever been in that place where
you don't even know what you
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don't know, what are your
options? And partners get really
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often too, like they don't know,
they're so concerned with
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providing the care that they
can, that the doula is that
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person that's going to see
what's happening and facilitate
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communication.
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A doula will never speak for
you, but a doula will amplify
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your voice, will create the
space to say, do we want to take
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a minute here to really
understand what your choices and
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options are. To facilitate that
positive communication when
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caregivers are speaking to thank
them and honor them. And then
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check with you, did you
understand that? Do you need
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them to restate it? Do you have
questions? Do you want to know
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more? Do you need a little time
and space to take that all in
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because you're in labor? To
really make a decision if that's
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the right next step for you. So
of course, there are moments
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where things are more urgent,
and we don't have the time. But
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in labor, 99% of decisions have
the time and space for you to
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make sure your voice and choice
are in it, and a doula is really
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great at facilitating that. And
then making sure, even if you
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only have one word, a yes or a
no, that that is heard. Did you
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hear that that person just said
yes or that person said no? So
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we're really good at that. And I
said the brains at the top,
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again, I've done other podcasts
on this, but that stands for
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really understanding the
benefits, risks, alternatives,
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what does your intuition say? Or
how do you feel about it?
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Not now. I need more time. Or
maybe it's a no, not at all. And
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the S is that whatever you
decide that you feel safe and
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how the process goes. And I add
sexy because the hormones of
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birth are the hormones of
intimacy. And if you have
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certain choices that are
interventions, they can
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sometimes create hormonal gaps.
And again, Dr. Buckley talked
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about that in our earlier
podcast. And so how can you
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safely fill those gaps? I call
them your personal pleasure
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tools, or oxytocin enhancers.
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And my four is really, I hope
you're going to dive deep into
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this, is comfort and pleasure.
What are your coping with labor
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sensations? So I hope through
your preferences as we started,
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you've really put these down,
and you've talked with staff
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that this is part of what they
encourage and support to staying
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mobile. How much of the time do
they monitor you? And do they
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have wireless monitoring? And
more facilities do kind of like
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a cell phone. You can walk
anywhere and talk, well, that
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technology can be with fetal
monitors too. If you're still
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going to a place where you have
to stay close to the machine and
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it's plugged in, that's like
years ago when that phone was in
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the kitchen, if any of you
remember, on a cord, and you
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only could get as far away as
the cord took you. So you really
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want to know what those options
are. Do they provide birth
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balls, peanut balls, birthing
stools, squat bars, upright
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birth things? Do they provide
tubs? Is there a shower
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available in every room? Can you
labor and birth in the tub?
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Because we know that water, many
call the aquadural, and again,
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we had an episode with Barbara
Harper, our water birth guru, on
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the many benefits of laboring
and birthing in water. I've been
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at many water births, and people
said it was better than the
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epidural. It gave them so much
relief, but without all the
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wiring and the risks that do
come with epidurals. Are you
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working on breathing? Do you
have tools that you're bringing
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for relaxation? I talk a lot in
my workshops about Penny
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Simpkin's three Rs, Relaxation,
Rhythm and Ritual. So how are
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you doing that? How is breath a
part of bringing you that
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relaxation? And then, when you
think about comfort, measures,
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right? Make yourself a list.
There's not a one size fit all
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approach. And often you don't
know ahead of time which are the
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things that are going to work
for you. And of course, no one
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should suffer in childbirth.
There's a time and a place for
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epidurals, for nitrous oxide,
for other things that are more
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pharmacological to provide you
comfort. But you need to know
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what exists. where you're going
birth? What are their options?
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What do they do? First line,
which we often say, are the non
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pharmacological. All those
movement, touch, massage, water,
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dancing, singing in that. And
then, do they have nitrous
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oxide, laughing gas? What are
the other steps?
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So definitely, the other thing I
want to add to comfort measures
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and be listening, because we
have a lot of podcasts coming up
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for you about people that used
self pleasure and had some
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really wonderful self pleasure
tools that made all the
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difference, and they really are
saying that they felt a lot less
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pain, it created much more ease,
relaxation, even opening less
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tearing. There's a lot of
stories coming. And I think that
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too often, based on shame and
stigma, we haven't connected how
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much pleasure, especially self
pleasure, can play a role in
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birth, and we're starting to get
the data and the stories that
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really talk about the benefits.
So again, if that's something
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you want to learn more of, stay
tuned. We're going to be
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offering you a lot more in the
coming days. But it's also
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something you want to really
consider, can you talk with your
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care team? Because having your
full pleasure treasure chest of
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coping mechanisms and
understanding what they are and
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how they can be used is really
important.
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And my fifth tip is, there's two
of you. What about the baby? And
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so every birth story is unique.
Your baby, it's their
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experience, it's your
experience. And sometimes, your
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birth story is going to be
different than you may have
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desired or envisioned. But what
a gift to maybe make that change
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When a baby's skin to skin,
they're also in this beautiful
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for your baby's safety to
welcome them. But once that baby
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is there, you have a real
opportunity to make this first
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hour or two very special. So
really important to put that
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baby skin to skin. We know skin
to skin care actually regulates.
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The birthing body regulates the
baby's temperature up to two
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degrees or down one degree. That
regulation is far better than
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any warmer. I always joke that
those warmers are good for
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french fries, but not for
babies. We know that not only
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will they stay warmer skin to
skin, they're getting all the
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wonderful microbiome. They're
seeding their gut intestine.
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They need to get that birthing
person. And later, if there's a
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partner, partners skin to skin
with that baby, but it also
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regulates their heart rate and breathing.
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oxytocin, the love hormone
bubble after birth, and that's
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helping them to stay calm and
connected, and it's what helps
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you fall in love to really get
to know each other and just be
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together. When a baby is
separated, they have response
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called protest, despair. A baby
that's separated over on that
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warmer will cry, that's protest.
And babies only stop crying of
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two reasons. They either get
back to their mother and then
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they're where they want to be,
or they go into despair when
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they're too tired to carry on
protesting. Babies in despair
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have very high levels of stress
hormones, adrenaline and
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cortisol, which will lower their
core body temperature, and more
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likely throw their breathing and
their heart rate off. So too
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often, we separate a baby and
then say that they have to stay
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separated because they're not
warm enough for their breathing
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or their heart is off when
that's all an artifact of
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separation, protest, despair.
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So really, doing a preference. I
always say one page about your
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first hour or two with your
baby, and even babies with many
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special needs do better. If
they're skin to skin, we can
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still have pediatrics there.
They can be getting oxygen.
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Babies that need extra care can
get it, but the best incubator
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is the birthing body. So really,
talk about that. There's a lot
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of research now on delayed cord
clamping, that that cord is
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still pulsing. It's bringing
that really rich, oxygenated
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blood to the baby. And if that
cord is cut before the blood has
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settled, the baby can lose up to
1/3 of their blood volume. Yes,
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1/3. Think about that. If you
lost a 30 year blood today, how
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would you feel? And those poor
babies can't let us know, but
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they must not feel good for
quite some time to be able to
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bring back that volume of blood.
And some research says it can
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actually weaken their immune
system. I read one study that
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even went out four to six
months. So this first hour is
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So back to our first one,
really, knowing your
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preferences, and not only what
you desire in labor, but writing
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a separate one, because staff
could be changing at the time
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you're giving birth. Having
something short and simple where
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you can talk about your desires
to stay connected, to be with
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your baby in that first hour or
two. And this also will support breastfeeding.
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Now, I do want to say, once
you're settled in a day, two or
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three, whenever you're in your
own bed and you have the time,
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it's really important to reflect
on birth. As doulas, it's part
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of our postpartum visit. We call
it processing the birth
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experience or debriefing, but
it's so important for you to
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acknowledge your strengths.
Birth often asks more of us than
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we could have imagined, and it's
discovering that there is this
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well within us that you're going
to find. That you'll bring not
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only into motherhood, but you'll
bring it into every aspect of
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your life. So taking time with
the people at your birth to
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really share your feelings and
for things that went different,
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to talk about how that felt,
that it went different. Did it
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go in a way that you still felt
safe, honored, respected and
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part of decision making? And if
not, what would you have liked?
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It's really important.
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really important.
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Healing begins as you start
really honoring every aspect of
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I hope these tips, especially in
a hospital. Taking the time to
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your birth story and celebrate
your wins. No one fails in
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birth. I always feel when people
say, I didn't have this, or I
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prepare ahead. Have a good class
that really prepares you. Visit
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didn't have that, but you gave
birth. And so again, every birth
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is unique. Every birth is
different. Every birth deserves
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your hospital, write your
preferences, communicate them
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to be celebrated. Sometimes, you
had to dig deeper into that well
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ahead with your care team.
Because if you're hoping for one
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of strength than you ever would
have imagined prior. But this is
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something to take pride in. If
you've watched our film, our
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documentary Orgasmic Birth,
there's a scene I always love
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where Trisha is just holding
that newborn and says, I'm not
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thing, and that's not what they
give you, that's going to be
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afraid to tell the whole world
how proud I am of myself. And
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when we show the film in public,
and I get to look around,
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there's often quite a few cheers
in the audience. Because I think
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that we don't say enough how
proud we are of ourselves for
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birthing our babies, for being a
part of this process wherever it
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is. I know that you can do it
with pleasure too.
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part of the disconnect that
you'll feel in birth. So knowing
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ahead, are you in the right
place? Do you feel safe, private
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and unobserved? And do you feel
safe to talk with them about
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your pleasure? Can you bring
that in? Can you transform the
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space into one that's your space
so that you stay in your power?
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You've got this, and I look
forward to hearing from you. I
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hope these tips have supported
you with some ideas to write
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down how you can have a
pleasurable, and I say, yes,
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orgasmic hospital birth.