Exploring Masculinity, Self-Development, and Connection- Ep. 307

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Welcome everybody to uh this live.
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So um we are live on YouTube, we are live on LinkedIn, we are live on Substack, and we are live on Facebook.
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Um so welcome everybody who's coming in live where you are.
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Uh I am here with uh some of my closest friends in the world, um, Danny Coleman, Ray Heines, Justin Janowska.
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We might have some other men jumping in.
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And Danny is kind of um wanting to discuss this morning something that I thought was really interesting.
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And right before we jumped on live, we already started getting a lively debate because Ray was jumping in saying he doesn't necessarily see it that way.
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But Danny is uh seeing this idea that when he talks about self-development to friends, and specifically he was having a conversation.
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I'll let you tell this, Danny, but a couple of his sister and a friend that he works with, and they were saying that this is interesting that women in particular really love self-development, seem to eat up self-development, and that men perhaps not.
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And they were debating on the percentage.
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And so Danny was like saying, What do you think?
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80-20?
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And um why, for example, do men seem not to, if we agree with that, and I that's the discussion we want to have, um, because we do, as a bunch of men, I think we'd all admit that men do seem to be getting uh much more attention lately uh in the cultural sort of zeitgeist, and it's not good attention.
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Uh, a lot of people are seeing men as struggling, uh not doing well, uh, having poor uh outcomes in mental health, you know, men commit suicide more, they tend to be more lonely, they tend to be the ones doing a lot of the violence.
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There's a lot that's going on with men.
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And I do think this is an interesting topic because obviously, if they don't have any self-development, uh personal transformation type information, and or they're not interested in it, how are they supposed to get better?
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So I'll let you sort of see if I frame that up right, Danny, and then let's just go around and see.
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And we might have some more men joining us, but right now we got us for me.
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Yeah, no, I think you frame it, I think you framed it up well, Jade.
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Uh, just before you went live, Ray was about to make it make an interesting point.
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So I'm gonna throw it to him.
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But the premise is this is essentially our dudes into self-development in a in a in a larger capacity.
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Obviously, there's there's a percentage of men are out into self-development.
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Should if they are, what's the split?
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So if I have a hundred customers, I have a I have kind of a self-development business.
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So I have a hundred customers.
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My hypothesis, I'm they're probably about 80% women and 20% men.
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And this has been my experience kind of in social circles as well.
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If I talk self-development, it's usually with women, not with men.
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And so I'm I'm curious about where you guys think where this split is.
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Are men more into self-development than I'm giving them credit for?
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Should they be, and why, why does it even matter?
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Like, why would you why do we even care?
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Why did I, you know, Ray, you were starting to say, like, I've been in the self-development space as long as I can remember.
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And I would love to sort of unpack like why you, especially as a man, why you got into it, sort of the benefits you've gotten out of it.
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So I'm gonna pass it over to Ray, who was kind of on on maybe a little bit of a disagreement train, which would be good for the discussion.
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So what do you think, Ray, about the split?
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And then why did you kind of get into it?
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Yeah, I I don't, I, you know, you said 80-20.
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I guess I'd I would just like to see a little bit more hardcore data on what those uh statistics are.
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Um, because it I could definitely see where you could get 80-20, especially if you work with a lot more women than you do men.
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Um but um I don't know, you know, for me, how I got into it was just I guess I would here's how I would describe kind of my own journey in a very kind of 10,000-foot view.
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I have always believed myself to be um very mediocre.
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Like I feel like I have um, you know, mediocre looks, intelligence, um, mediocre um uh sports, athletic skill.
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I um in uh in school, I had mediocre grades.
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And I always felt like I wanted to, I wanted to, I felt like it was possible for me to not be mediocre, not be kind of middle of the pack.
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And I also knew I didn't know how to get out of the middle, how to get out of that squishy middle that I think a lot of people get stuck in.
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And so I started to learn more.
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Now, when I was young, I probably started on the personal development path probably when I was 13 or 14 years old.
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Uh I I can tell you what the first thing was.
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It was Tony Robbins.
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Um, at the time, I think Tony Robbins was big on infomercials and he was popping on.
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And um uh I think I received a mailer uh for his tape, not CDs, not MP3s, his tape.
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What's a tape?
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Next time I see you, I'm gonna turn out your cross.
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Um so I ordered the tape.
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So I I I mowed lawns, I uh, you know, made what money I could, and I put the I had my parents cut me a check and I put it in the mail and I got these tapes.
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And I remember being drawn more towards the relationship um information within the tapes.
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So at that time, you know, your the hormones are starting to flow, and you know, you're interested in, you know, as a guy, you're interested in in girls, and you want to figure out, you know, hey, I'm um I'm mediocre uh and uh I think girls want extraordinary, so let me figure out how to make that happen.
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I I can even tell you from that tape series, the the the lesson that I I I took from it.
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And it was uh the push button theory of love that Tony Robbins was teaching.
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And it was it goes like it goes something like this.
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God, this would be this would be uh a modern miracle if I can if I can pull up this from when I was 20 years old.
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He said there were um there were four buttons that need to be pushed in order for somebody to feel loved.
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They have to be looked at a certain way, told a certain way, touched a certain way, and bought things in broad places.
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And every one of us has uh has needs all four buttons to be pushed.
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But every one of us has one button that needs to be pushed more than the rest in order for you to feel truly loved.
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And oh my God, I can't believe this is coming to me.
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It's blowing my mind.
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This is like the early form of the four love languages or whatever.
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Yeah.
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He said that that uh one button in everybody needs to be pushed more than the rest in order to feel truly loved.
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So there's love and there's truly love.
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All four buttons need to be pushed, one more than the rest in order to feel truly loved.
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So John and Jane meet up.
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And uh John's one button is he has to be told a certain way.
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Jane's one button is she has to be touched a certain way.
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They meet up, relationship is brand new.
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What are you doing in the beginning of the relationship?
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You're uh pushing all the buttons and you push them all the time.
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Oh, honey, I love you.
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Oh, let's hug and kiss and you know, let's let's go do stuff and um oh, let me, you know, I brought you these flowers, or you know, I know you don't even know what that is anymore, Danny, because nobody buys flowers anymore.
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Look, man, I'm I'm I'm still I'm still smooth, all right?
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I still find my way to the flower aisle.
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All right.
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So you push all the buttons, you push them all the times, and you're thinking, this is great, this is my soulmate.
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And then what happens is over time you stop pushing all the buttons as much, right?
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This is every relationship, every relationship.
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And you push one button more than the rest.
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Which one, Danny Coleman?
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Let's let's give you a pop quiz.
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Which button do you push more than the rest?
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Me personally.
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Well, it let's say that you're in that circumstance.
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You you are dating and you're pushing all the buttons, and then all the buttons cool down, but you push one button more than the rest.
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Which one?
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I would say typically people push the uh tell me button the most.
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No, you push the button that makes you feel truly loved because you think if it makes me feel truly loved, it makes them feel truly loved.
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So if John and Jane, they're in a longer-term relationship, John stops pushing all the buttons and he pushes the touch, he pushes, pushes the tell me button because that's the button that makes him feel truly loved, because he thinks if I love watermelon, everybody loves watermelon.
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And so you think if I tell her I love you all the time, then that's gonna ultimately lead to a great relationship because you feel truly loved when you're told I love that you.
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But in her mind, she's thinking that's great, but he never he never hugs and kisses me anymore.
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And so that is the fissure in the foundation that ultimately causes the relationship to fracture and break apart.
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So that was the lesson I remember from that first personal development um journey that I went on.
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And I was hooked from there.
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I just I just fell in love with personal development.
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So it's it's just hard for me to imagine that.
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Um, and I guess if I look, if if I look into my own life, at the men in my life, um, like my brothers, um, my father, um, grandparents, and other friends, I I guess I can see, I could see where you're leaning towards 80-20.
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I I think that's probably a bit unfair to men, but but I I can see where it's leading there.
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And the only reason I I I guess I could I could say that that may be true is if you um if you compartmentalize what personal development means.
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Because there's there's you know, I'd say 80-20 for men who who's who go on a personal development journey to make their bodies better, you know?
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Um and so if if you consider building up your body and and making, you know, and building muscles a personal development journey, then um then it changes those numbers, I think, significantly.
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Don't you agree?
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I don't.
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I got I got I got a lot of friends who haven't sniffed the gym in a decade, man.
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I agree, I agree that that is an element of personal development or personal development journey.
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And a quick, uh I was just I just did a quick Google search.
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No, no, uh, I'm not gonna be able to cite a source, but just kind of scrolling through these.
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Uh most of these like high links on Google say about 75-25 women drive the spending in the self-development realm across health, across all those things.
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So they do tend to spend put their money where their mouth is.
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And I I have a theory of why this is.
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I don't know why of the why, but there's this Adam Grant has a good thing, it's like a triple beam balance kind of analogy where it's ideally our confidence should equal our competence.
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I should feel exactly how confident of how good I am at something.
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But for whatever reason, there tends to be, there tend it's never quite lined up, right?
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Either you believe I'm a lot better than I actually am.
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That's like that's the guy on the couch judging an NFL quarterback, and you're just like, dude, that guy, that guy makes millions of dollars to throw a football, and you're coaching him up.
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There's like a mismatch.
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So you think that maybe you could get on the field and throw the ball around.
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That's like overconfidence, not enough confidence.
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The reverse is that imposter syndrome that most people feel.
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They're actually more talented.
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That's why they get promoted into places than they believe they are.
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It's kind of what you're talking about, Ray, where you're just like, I felt media mediocre.
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And to be honest with you, I resonate with that.
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I was like, I think I got into insecurity drove me to self-development.
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I didn't think I was, my belief in myself wasn't lower than my actual competence, I think, at this time.
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So then I seek self-development to kind of close that gap.
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For whatever reason, culturally, men tend to tip the triple beam balance this way.
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They think they're way more amazing than they actually are.
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I don't know if it's cultural messaging early on.
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I don't know if testosterone fucks with the head at all, and you're just like, oh, and that helps you feel amazing.
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I don't know what why behind the why, but in my my opinion or my kind of viewpoint is that, yeah, men have that kind of the scale tip for whatever reason, women have the opposite.
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So they pursue to close that gap.
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But then there's men like you and me, Ray, who for whatever reason, maybe strong, strong female figures.
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You were, you know, you always talk about your mom being a powerful presence.
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I was raised like day by day by a single mom, so maybe there's something along that.
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I kind of took on those beliefs, but a couple two cents there.
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But I also want to hear kind of why Justin's into self-development too.
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What brought you in, man?
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Yeah, as I'm thinking about it, um or anybody's thoughts on the triple beam balance.
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Well, it's interesting you mentioned about physical appearance and all that, because I don't think of at least personally, think of self-development as that, but more so emotional development.
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And I guess they both can be part of that discussion, right?
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Um But for me, I I think actually the reason why I got into it was because of the romantic heartbreaks and all that stuff that I went through, you know, eight, nine years ago.
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And Jade knows well about that, but that's probably where it started for me.
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And how I just was tired of feeling, you know, un you know, insecure and unworthy and not feeling good enough and and just kind of running into a brick wall, I think, and in in my life and not feeling um not feeling connected with anybody or not understanding why I couldn't have that.
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And so that is, I think, how it started.
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It was definitely unconscious.
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It wasn't like I set an intention to be like, I want to be better and do this, do this, but just realizing I didn't want to have to feel this way, this misery anymore.
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Um, and to learn about myself and and figure out how to fill my own needs, right?
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That's kind of where it started, I think.
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And from there, it just kind of uh got better and better and amplified because I could see how important this really was.
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And then, you know, one thing leads to another, right?
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And then this to me also feeds into purpose, right?
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Because, well, now that I have this foundation to build off of, I can do things for others and feel good enough to do it, right?
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So, and then having purposeful work reinforces your reason for or and and reason to continue with self-development work, if that makes sense, right?
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I think it makes a lot of sense.
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Um, I'm on my phone too, guys.
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So if I start getting a delay, just let me know.
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You were getting a little bit of delay from me, Justin.
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I don't know if that's how my end or not, but um, yeah, you know, so interestingly, I feel like let's let me first cover my thoughts and see what you all think about what actually constitutes personal development.
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Because I love what Ray said about this idea of like what are we actually talking about, right?
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There's a little bit of a difference there.
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I see it as the four jobs.
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So I do see personal development as health pursuits, wealth pursuits, uh, personal relationships, and then uh kind of purpose slash meaning.
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Um, so to me, I see the self-help world as those domains.
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And I would think that men would certainly probably gravitate more towards health and wealth pursuits versus personal relationships and purpose and meaning.
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And if we define personal relationships and purpose and meaning as more self-help, then I might agree with what Danny's saying.
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But if we include all of them, I would say in some of those domains, we might find a higher percent of men.
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And then I would say this, and there is when you look at the psychology research as a whole, now people are very different, so we have to kind of be careful about gross generalizations, but we all understand the idea that women in general, average, are shorter than men in height, right?
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We all understand that concept, but that doesn't mean you won't find a woman who's taller than most men, right?
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It's just that most of the time.
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So when we look at across the psychology research, you will see gross generalizations that men are tend to be more interested in um things, uh building things, uh doing things, um things with their hands, uh, you know, things of uh pursuits around things.
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Whereas women in general are more uh interested in um relationships and people.
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And this is why we get this you know sort of um issue where lots of men become engineers and not many women, and lots of women want to become nurses and not many men.
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And so you'll see these things um sort of skewed, and you'll actually see this, and actually Jordan Peterson talks a lot about this for those of you who uh know who that is and pay attention to him.
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But he talks a lot about the idea that even in the Norwegian countries that tried to account for general equality across domains, they couldn't swear this, right?
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So Norway, Sweden, these areas, there still were many more women wanting to go into nursing than there were engineering.
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And so I think that perhaps this is the reason why men are maybe more interested in certain things and women are more interested in people and emotional pursuits.
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Now, the final thing I'll say here to see what you all think as I go, I do think that where men, that is the issue for men, that they are not very well versed in general in the mental emotional domains.
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In fact, in our culture, uh we have to learn, let's say, emotional regulation and emotional appropriateness when we're young.
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Men learn regulation to such a degree that they tend to suppress, which stunts their emotional uh ability to show up and relate to people.
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Then they feel disconnected.
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And I do think this is part of the problem, and I think it's what you're pointing to, Danny.
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So I'll just see what you think about that in terms of I feel like that's where men are really struggling.
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There's certain domains in self-development they will gravitate to, others they will not at all, and because of the cultural zeitgeist, the way men are brought up, they are actually stifled pretty severely in general in certain areas.
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And I would say emotionally, men are much further behind than women for these reasons.
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I think.
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So it's more so is it a nature or a nurture thing, though, Jade?
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So is it like our men nudge towards don't use your imagination for a tea party and and instead tinker with this truck at a very early age and figure out how it works?
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So is it a is it just a training protocol?
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Because obviously we're seeing shifts in like something like educational statistics now.
00:20:34.920 --> 00:20:44.359
More and more women are going into kind of these STEM fields, more and more women are, more women are graduating college and advanced degrees than men are now.
00:20:44.519 --> 00:20:49.799
So there's sort of a cultural awakening or opening for women to kind of fill that void.
00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:53.319
So, I mean, how much does just the nature of nurture come into play?
00:20:53.400 --> 00:20:55.319
I mean, obviously both come into play a lot.
00:20:55.480 --> 00:21:01.880
I know your answer to that, but I guess I'm just I'm just curious why these dudes get why these dudes get blunted.
00:21:01.960 --> 00:21:08.920
Like it is it uh to Justin's point, like I I can talk to dudes about building the bicep, and I do think that's a self-development avenue.
00:21:09.000 --> 00:21:12.359
That's how I definitely entered self-development in a big way.
00:21:12.519 --> 00:21:16.599
Uh, but when you start talking about emotional stuff, all my friends shut down.
00:21:16.680 --> 00:21:18.039
It's like, yeah, yeah, totally.
00:21:18.200 --> 00:21:22.119
So uh you see the score the other day, which I'm fine talking about too.
00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:23.000
I like that too.
00:21:23.079 --> 00:21:30.920
But it's just funny how you you see these dudes like they don't have they don't my friends don't have the vocabulary for to talk about this stuff.
00:21:31.079 --> 00:21:35.240
Like if they were on here right now, they would be bright red and be like, I don't know what to do with my hands.
00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:37.240
And I don't know what I don't know what that is.
00:21:37.319 --> 00:21:39.640
And there seems to be a lack of interest in it too.
00:21:39.720 --> 00:21:45.319
So I was just, I don't know, a couple of kind of reflection thoughts listening to you talk, but know what you guys think too.
00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:51.720
I'm gonna let Justin or um or uh Ray answer this, whether they think it's nature or nurture.
00:21:53.960 --> 00:21:54.839
I think it's both.
00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:58.440
I mean, I I I I I I think you I I hate answering like that.
00:21:58.519 --> 00:22:02.839
I hate answering it's both, but yeah, I think it honestly is both.
00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:10.599
Uh there is definitely within society a um a mold in which men are expected to fit into.
00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:22.519
I think um, you know, if we if we were to have a male mold and a female whole mold, I think females move this way towards the male mold easier than men move this way towards the female mold.
00:22:22.599 --> 00:22:26.519
And I'm I'm really speaking more towards the um not physical.
00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:30.759
I'm talking about the like the masculine, feminine nature.
00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:33.480
So um, and I think that's what we've seen.
00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:42.519
We've seen more women kind of taking more, taking on more masculine traits, and men just don't transfer that way in the same way.
00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:55.000
And so um it's um yeah, I think that it there's probably definitely a uh a a nature aspect of it that men I think I think tend towards action.
00:22:55.160 --> 00:23:13.960
I think that's what you were speaking to, Jade, that we tend towards action rather than rumination and and um and um uh education and uh uh you know, we're dumb men, you know, we we we like to just uh stamper about and uh and build things and do things.
00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:24.599
And you know, if we have a desire to get better at something, rather than going and buying a book about it, we'll you know get in there and we'll fail our way towards some towards towards better at that thing.
00:23:26.599 --> 00:23:28.680
And that is testosterone, by the way, Danny.
00:23:28.759 --> 00:23:31.480
That that is a testosterone effect, by the way.
00:23:31.720 --> 00:23:32.039
Yeah.
00:23:32.599 --> 00:23:32.759
Yeah.
00:23:32.920 --> 00:23:33.559
Yeah.
00:23:35.079 --> 00:23:35.799
Justin, yeah.
00:23:36.920 --> 00:23:43.559
Yeah, I mean, I I do agree, it's both, but I I think I'm gonna say that's nurture is more of the reason.
00:23:43.799 --> 00:23:47.720
I mean, you know, just environmental factors and upbringing and all those sort of things.
00:23:47.880 --> 00:23:50.279
I mean, that's gonna influence a lot of this, I think, right?
00:23:50.759 --> 00:24:00.119
I know for me and people in my family, there's no one to Danny's point that I could really talk about this sort of stuff with, because it'd be like like talking to a brick wall, right?
00:24:00.599 --> 00:24:05.240
And some people are just not ready to receive it or too so deep in their ways that they don't want to change.
00:24:05.400 --> 00:24:07.240
And it's just like, what's the point?
00:24:07.960 --> 00:24:21.319
And maybe, at least for me, I think that some people have to go through enough uh shit, maybe, or have to go through some I don't know, travesty or something that really breaks them for them to want to be different and change.
00:24:21.559 --> 00:24:22.599
Maybe that has to happen.
00:24:22.759 --> 00:24:30.119
And if it doesn't happen, then I don't see any sort of incentive to want to work on your emotional intelligence and that kind of thing.
00:24:33.720 --> 00:24:38.759
I also think there's a there's a real lack of of uh of models for this stuff.
00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:42.680
It's it's one of the reasons, you know, I love I love that we're doing this kind of Sunday thing.
00:24:42.839 --> 00:24:54.759
I've said this many times before, and I've I've pushed for this in our in our group chat to start sort of like a podcast for men, for young men, because of such of the influence that you guys have had on me.
00:24:54.839 --> 00:25:00.119
Like I met, I I've told I said this last time, but you know, I met Jade when I was like six, fifteen or sixteen.
00:25:00.279 --> 00:25:01.640
I met Ray when I was 19.
00:25:01.720 --> 00:25:12.680
These are they were such like developmental periods of my life, and to have guys that I was like, these guys, uh these guys are kind of cool, they're kind of solid, they're kind of interesting, and they felt you guys felt aspirational to me.
00:25:12.759 --> 00:25:15.160
And then the things that you were doing, you were reading.
00:25:15.319 --> 00:25:18.359
You introduced this is what this is what a research paper is.
00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:20.920
This is what, this is what you do in the gym.
00:25:21.079 --> 00:25:22.920
This is the kind of stuff that I'm thinking about.
00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:24.839
So there was almost an aspirational nature.
00:25:24.920 --> 00:25:28.599
And also, you know, I'll give my I'll give my father credit too in this regard.
00:25:28.759 --> 00:25:31.480
My dad, my dad grew up in the cities, a city mouse.
00:25:31.640 --> 00:25:34.759
So he did not, we weren't out here building things.
00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:38.359
Like my dad wouldn't know what to do with an axe if it was stuck in his shoulder.
00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:44.680
Like it was, we wouldn't know how to build anything with wood or how to change something electrical or anything like that.
00:25:44.759 --> 00:25:45.480
So we talked.
00:25:45.640 --> 00:25:49.000
He talked about history a lot, he talked about philosophy a lot.
00:25:49.160 --> 00:25:55.559
He that dude's like a walking fortune cookie, a Boston Irish fortune cookie that can get a little, a little confusing sometimes.
00:25:55.640 --> 00:25:58.680
Let's just blurt out things like ewop, Dan.
00:25:58.759 --> 00:25:59.720
I'm like, ewop.
00:25:59.960 --> 00:26:02.200
He's like, everything works out perfectly.
00:26:02.440 --> 00:26:07.480
And then you just kind of like, well, there's a little bit of wisdom in some of his little quirky sayings right here.
00:26:07.559 --> 00:26:24.519
But I've had a lot of models, and I do think there is a little bit of a dry well of these kind of older aspirational male figures for a lot of the younger guys, which is one of the reasons I always push in our group to start a podcast for men, and I know right you're like, nah, I'm good sometimes.
00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:32.680
But uh, I just think there's kind of a dry, a dry area of aspirational male figures or aspirational male figures for a lot of young dudes.
00:26:32.920 --> 00:26:33.960
You're you're right, Danny.
00:26:34.119 --> 00:26:35.319
You're lucky to have us.
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:38.359
I know I am, man.
00:26:38.599 --> 00:26:39.720
I know I am.
00:26:40.359 --> 00:26:41.799
But you know, let me tell the story.
00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:46.680
I want to tell the story of how you and I met, Ray, because I do think this is Ray.
00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:55.240
He's he's an interesting dude because he's he's you're so incredibly humble and you're so incredibly extraordinary, and you don't even know.
00:26:55.400 --> 00:26:57.640
And this is another thing that's really interesting.
00:26:57.720 --> 00:27:16.839
I love this dichotomy you were setting up, Danny, of on the one hand, a lot of men are sort of suffering for the Dunning Krueger effect, but then you have men like Ray, who are kind of the opposite, highly, highly extraordinary, but don't see themselves that way, which is makes him, I think, really interesting and ambitious.
00:27:17.000 --> 00:27:20.200
But what's really cool about Ray, I'll tell everyone how this works.
00:27:20.359 --> 00:27:25.000
I this is way back when I was first starting Metabolic Effect and getting online.
00:27:25.720 --> 00:27:31.079
And um, I am, you know, try I think I discovered this great thing called internet marketing, right?
00:27:31.160 --> 00:27:38.039
I'm like, oh my God, I discovered this amazing thing because my friends who know me know I'm not paying a whole lot of attention to what's going on in the world.
00:27:38.200 --> 00:27:40.039
And I get this message from this Dr.
00:27:40.279 --> 00:27:48.680
Ray, and it basically goes, hey man, you don't know me, but I'm going to this event, and I want to invite you to come with me.
00:27:48.759 --> 00:27:54.119
And so I show my wife, Danny's sister, at a time, and I go, I think this dude's asking me out.
00:27:56.759 --> 00:28:12.519
So, but but what was really neat is I was like, you know, like I don't know what this is, but I looked up this event that he wanted to go to, and I'm like, this guy, this is not something a dude normally does, you know, to just ask somebody randomly to go to a thing with him.
00:28:12.680 --> 00:28:20.440
So I'm like, but I end up going, and Ray and I become like the closest friends and have had this amazing, you know, sort of dynamic.
00:28:20.519 --> 00:28:34.839
And I actually think that this is part of the issue with men, is that we do not take on those roles where we're like, we might want to connect, but then we don't connect to you know, to Justin's point, right?
00:28:34.920 --> 00:28:39.559
It's kind of like I don't have connections, but we don't necessarily know how to connect.
00:28:39.640 --> 00:28:46.440
And then you meet a man like Ray who is like, no, I want to connect, I want to do this thing, I'm gonna put myself out there.
00:28:46.519 --> 00:28:53.160
And that was a really powerful, I think, thing that I have only ever seen in my family, because I do have that.
00:28:53.319 --> 00:28:59.640
My brothers, I got two brothers, uh, a dad, I got a lot of men in my family, and they were very open that way.
00:28:59.799 --> 00:29:03.880
And it was like interesting for me to see someone like Ray be open that way.
00:29:03.960 --> 00:29:07.079
Once I met him, I was like, oh, this is my this is my person.
00:29:07.160 --> 00:29:12.440
And so I do agree with you that a lot of men aren't um, you know, uh don't have this.
00:29:12.519 --> 00:29:14.839
I I do want to say one more thing and see what you think.
00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:18.440
Ray mentioned this polarity issue of masculine and feminine.
00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:23.240
I do think this is part of the reason men are struggling.
00:29:23.400 --> 00:29:27.319
Now, real quick, just in case there's men listening, let's just cover archetypes real quick.
00:29:27.400 --> 00:29:30.920
We're not we're not talking about male-female, we're talking about archetypes.
00:29:31.079 --> 00:29:34.200
This is getting into the Young Yan, you know, sort of uh psychology.
00:29:34.279 --> 00:29:41.400
And all that means is if we took, you know, a million people, put them in a room, and said, Hey, what do you think about when you think about male?
00:29:41.559 --> 00:29:47.240
You know, they would say things like strong, they would say things like focus, they would think say things like warrior.
00:29:47.319 --> 00:29:57.000
And then if we asked all those million people again, what do you think about when I say female, they might say things like creative or you know, friendly, or nurturing, or whatever it is.
00:29:57.079 --> 00:30:01.799
And when you put all that together, we probably need some AI, you know, thing to put all that together.
00:30:01.880 --> 00:30:03.640
You get these general archetypes.
00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:04.920
That's all we're talking about.
00:30:05.160 --> 00:30:12.279
I do think that men in general are too masculine heavy, and our culture forces that.
00:30:12.440 --> 00:30:19.079
And so I do think the men that I vibe with the most are men who have a balanced masculine and feminine nature.
00:30:19.160 --> 00:30:28.680
And by the way, for you men who are listening to this and not understanding this, Ray, Justin both talked about getting into self-development because of women and they're interested in women.
00:30:28.920 --> 00:30:37.400
To me, the best relationships and the best way to connect with a woman is understanding your feminine nature and balancing these two things.
00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:44.440
And when you have that balance, you can let her lead at times and be more in her masculine, and then you can step forward and be more in your masculine.
00:30:44.519 --> 00:30:47.720
You have a flexibility, so there's not these rigid roles.
00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:50.279
So I think two points I'm making there.
00:30:50.440 --> 00:30:57.079
One, I think men don't have a lot of uh people who will reach out to them and connect other men.
00:30:57.160 --> 00:30:59.079
And I go, so bless them there.
00:30:59.160 --> 00:31:02.920
If you're a man and you have that, reach out yourself, like Ray did.
00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:11.640
Number two, I think if you want to connect specifically with women, you better find this balance of masculine and feminine.
00:31:11.720 --> 00:31:23.400
And then that goes right to Danny's point of where are you gonna find that information by learning through self-development, having conversations with men like me, Justin, Danny, and Ray.
00:31:23.559 --> 00:31:27.720
And so I do think we just need more of these conversations.
00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:37.160
So let me ask you guys, what would be you say you said, Jay, if there are men listening to this, which my entire point was, I bet there's no men listening to this.
00:31:37.240 --> 00:31:41.160
I bet, I bet there's there's all women listening to this right now.
00:31:41.720 --> 00:31:43.720
But let's say there are men listening to this.
00:31:43.799 --> 00:31:53.480
I'm curious about like, I would love to go around just get like, all right, what's your what would be your your get get started protocol for a young man in in getting into self-development?
00:31:53.640 --> 00:31:55.319
Is there are is it a book?
00:31:55.480 --> 00:31:58.359
Is it uh is it the reach out protocol you mentioned, Jade?
00:31:58.440 --> 00:31:59.559
I I would love to start.
00:31:59.640 --> 00:32:07.880
I'm gonna less uh Ray or Justin, if you guys have like, I don't know, couple step protocol getting started with this, with this stuff, where would you point these guys?
00:32:08.039 --> 00:32:08.839
How would you recommend it?
00:32:09.000 --> 00:32:12.359
And kind of imagine kind of the dude who who does kind of feel alone.
00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:13.640
He's like, I'm issuing this stuff.
00:32:13.720 --> 00:32:18.680
Yeah, I would love to have what you guys have and have conversations, but I'm looking around and I don't have any of that.
00:32:18.759 --> 00:32:19.799
I don't even know where to find that.
00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:25.799
So I would be curious about, I don't know, one three-step protocol to oversimplify things, Ray.
00:32:25.880 --> 00:32:28.039
Do you have do you have something or Justin, you have something?
00:32:28.200 --> 00:32:35.880
I know then Jay will obviously will go to you too, man, but so I, you know, I was just reading a book called Lean Learning by Pat Flynn.
00:32:35.960 --> 00:32:39.640
Uh I was reading it on the way, the way um on a plane ride.
00:32:39.799 --> 00:32:45.480
And um and there were a few interesting points within that book that I think apply to this situation.
00:32:45.640 --> 00:32:53.720
Well, the first thing I would say is we have to realize that that the world changes much faster than our biology changes.
00:32:53.880 --> 00:32:56.200
And the world has changed.
00:32:56.359 --> 00:33:03.799
It's not that men are uh that men are different, you know, it's that the world has changed and men have not adapted to that yet.
00:33:04.039 --> 00:33:12.599
And so the the um if you can just first accept that it's not you, it's the world that has shifted and changed.
00:33:12.839 --> 00:33:21.079
And now you have to update the models, the models that you have in order to be able to thrive in this new world.
00:33:21.319 --> 00:33:42.200
And when you look at it that way, now you can step back and you can look at the world and uh from a kind of a third person perspective and uh and say, okay, okay, so maybe the financial dynamics have changed where it used to be that men were the breadwinners and now you know you get more and more women who are the breadwinners within the family.
00:33:42.440 --> 00:33:52.519
And uh you can either take that as um an insult to your manhood, or you can take it as this is just the new world as it is right now.
00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:59.240
And maybe I need to update my models in a way that that uh can can fit in that new world.
00:33:59.400 --> 00:34:09.800
So that's that's just one example, and there are probably many that we can come come across and and uh and and um uh uh figure out or uh you know over time.
00:34:10.279 --> 00:34:20.519
So the going back to the book in in Pat uh the book Lean Learning by Pat Flynn, he doesn't specifically speak about masculine, feminine, or about men in general.
00:34:20.599 --> 00:34:27.159
This is this is a book for anybody, and it's probably read by more by more women, as you said, because it's a personal development book.
00:34:27.400 --> 00:34:37.480
But the idea was that um uh one idea within the book was this this idea of just in time learning and micro learning.
00:34:37.720 --> 00:34:44.760
So for men, what I would suggest moving forward is to just don't try to overhaul the whole machine.
00:34:44.840 --> 00:35:02.599
Uh just uh number one, think in terms of okay, uh maybe you're in a relationship and the challenge is you're not um you're not uh um showing enough emotion to uh satisfy your your woman's need for that kind of connection.
00:35:02.920 --> 00:35:14.760
Then the just-in-time learning would be, okay, let me just you know, maybe read a blog post about this particular about how men are struggling with emotional connection with women.
00:35:14.840 --> 00:35:31.720
And then the micro learning component of it is to say, okay, I'm just gonna try, uh, you know, I'm just gonna try giving my woman a hug at, you know, you know, from time to time, or or every day I'm gonna give my woman a hug and just tell her I love her.
00:35:31.960 --> 00:35:49.239
And, you know, it's gonna feel completely, totally, and utterly awkward for you in the beginning, but over time, it's it's something that you can do, and then you can spend the 23 hours and uh 58 minutes and the rest of the day to walk around as manly as you want.
00:35:49.400 --> 00:35:58.360
But for those two minutes, you're gonna you're gonna step into the feminine and just just uh into the feminine energy and connect in that two minutes.
00:35:58.440 --> 00:36:03.639
And then that two minutes over time might become four minutes and you know, 10 minutes and you know, 60 minutes.
00:36:04.039 --> 00:36:08.199
But uh men, I don't think, do great trying to overhaul the whole machine.
00:36:08.360 --> 00:36:11.559
Just take one little component and and fix that.
00:36:11.800 --> 00:36:21.079
In in that book, he he gives a really cool example of this guy named Otto, who was uh a pro what he was labeled as a like a professional couch surfer.
00:36:21.559 --> 00:36:28.119
And he would um, you know, kind of like you, Danny, and uh like you used to be a professional couch surfer.
00:36:28.440 --> 00:36:29.639
And so he would go like that.
00:36:29.800 --> 00:36:31.880
Look, man, I always had a bedroom, all right?
00:36:33.159 --> 00:36:34.440
Yeah, that's yeah.
00:36:35.480 --> 00:36:45.880
You don't get to find accommodations, but he was uh so he he had like this this channel where he would go and he would convince people to let him just stay with them and on his couch, like strangers and stuff.
00:36:45.960 --> 00:36:49.639
And he would document his journey and and his experiences that he had.
00:36:49.800 --> 00:36:55.719
But anyway, this guy had like this um he he his passion used to be, uh I think we lost Justin.
00:36:55.800 --> 00:37:00.119
His passion um uh painting.
00:37:00.199 --> 00:37:01.639
But he had kind of set that aside.
00:37:01.719 --> 00:37:07.639
He kind of he he he he uh labeled himself a reformed um bad painter.
00:37:07.800 --> 00:37:17.719
And uh but eventually he ended up going back and saying, okay, so he's making just enough to get by uh with his uh professional couchsurfing um channel.
00:37:17.880 --> 00:37:22.280
But he ultimately went and and um and said, okay, I'm gonna get back into it.
00:37:22.360 --> 00:37:31.719
But he did it in a way where he would he would show his work and he would he would uh focus on just one little aspect of painting.
00:37:31.880 --> 00:37:38.920
And he would show his work, and his work was crap in the beginning, and he and he would say it's crap, and here's why it's crap, and here's what I'm gonna work on.
00:37:39.159 --> 00:37:48.599
And so he ended up doing like 4,000 pieces of art, um living out loud, kind of just or learning out loud, as they say.
00:37:48.760 --> 00:37:57.000
Um he'd he'd make the change and he'd spend maybe even uh weeks on just this one little concept, just fixing this one thing.
00:37:57.079 --> 00:38:00.440
Maybe it was working on shadows and fixing the shadows.
00:38:00.599 --> 00:38:19.320
And eventually his work um grew and grew and grew in popularity, and it went from all this crap painting to paintings that were now um, you know, on uh uh William Shatner's wall and um and all these um all of these uh famous people are now buying his paintings.
00:38:19.800 --> 00:38:31.960
And I guess the idea is you don't have to overhaul everything and try to master everything, just master one little skill within your life that that moves you in the right direction and um and be cool with that.
00:38:32.039 --> 00:38:33.159
And that goes against men.
00:38:33.239 --> 00:38:34.519
Men just want to fix the whole thing.
00:38:34.599 --> 00:38:37.880
They don't want to fix it a little, they want to fix it a lot, they want to fix it completely.
00:38:38.199 --> 00:38:45.400
But just fix yourself a little bit and uh and uh be okay with that and uh be okay with that in perfection moving forward.
00:38:45.480 --> 00:38:46.679
That's what I would say.
00:38:48.280 --> 00:38:48.760
Love that.
00:38:48.920 --> 00:38:49.400
I like that.
00:38:49.559 --> 00:38:51.400
Justin, get any ideas?
00:38:55.320 --> 00:39:27.800
Um yeah, I mean what I'm gonna say might just sound really boring, but you know, I my from my perspective, I think people just have to um learn to quiet their minds and just sit with themselves for a minute and like just get into a habit of doing that, you know, as simple as and and kind of I guess um unoriginal as that is, but mindfulness and just like learning to sit with what is and identify and label and that kind of thing, uh figuring what you're feeling and why, because if we can't even do that, how are you gonna make progress in anything?
00:39:27.960 --> 00:39:30.679
So I think it's just let me ask you about that, Justin.
00:39:30.840 --> 00:39:32.039
Just let me ask you about that.
00:39:32.119 --> 00:39:39.719
I I actually I don't think this is boring at all, but what I do think is that a lot of men would be like, I don't know what that means.
00:39:39.960 --> 00:39:58.280
Like, what so can you just walk us through like because I actually agree with you that you know being still and getting in touch with what we're feeling so we can have some emotional integrity, because a lot of men don't, like they just go, and I'm sad, you know, they don't know they're sad, they they get mad and they don't realize underneath that might be sadness or lack of connection.
00:39:58.360 --> 00:40:05.719
And so just briefly, uh, can you walk us through like how you might tell a man to begin you know paying attention to that?
00:40:05.880 --> 00:40:12.119
Because I do think this goes to you know, this kind of one thing, learning just on time, like Ray said.
00:40:12.199 --> 00:40:17.880
And I would I just don't think a lot of men know what that means to sit and feel what they're feeling.
00:40:21.000 --> 00:40:24.119
Well, I I see it uh probably in two ways.
00:40:24.199 --> 00:40:30.119
And one would be to have a routine where you actually just sit and do like Vipassa meditation, right?
00:40:30.199 --> 00:40:36.039
Just pay attention to what's coming up for you and not have an attachment to figuring anything out or trying to get anywhere, right?
00:40:36.440 --> 00:40:38.039
That alone will be will be helpful.
00:40:38.119 --> 00:40:39.159
I think we know that, right?
00:40:39.239 --> 00:40:43.159
And as far as what will it do the to the brain and bringing in awareness.
00:40:43.400 --> 00:40:55.719
But I I think what also has to happen too is and this is probably where it might be more well, maybe as difficult or not, but when you have a strong feeling, right?
00:40:55.880 --> 00:41:06.920
Maybe it is maybe it is shame, maybe it is anger, um inadequacy, like you you pause and you you really just kind of identify that, right?
00:41:07.079 --> 00:41:25.079
Um one thing I've kind of put together that I uh teach people is this whole this whole idea of like the 4R process, recognize, receive, research, release, which is just recognizing what you're feeling and saying, I'm feeling this way, and anger feels like this, sadness feels like this.
00:41:25.400 --> 00:41:32.599
Um and just even doing that is is probably going to be very helpful, but most men probably are not doing that.
00:41:32.840 --> 00:41:36.920
And I think they could if they just actually sat and paused, took a breath.
00:41:37.159 --> 00:41:41.239
Um, one thing I do with myself is, you know, where is the stillness, right?
00:41:41.400 --> 00:41:44.679
What would this moment be like without my thoughts about it, right?
00:41:44.920 --> 00:41:48.599
Just trying to figure out like what it is there that is coming up.
00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:52.360
And if you don't know, if you don't have the vocabulary, okay, fine.
00:41:52.440 --> 00:41:59.639
Here's the here's the uh emotion wheel, and you can figure out like the different things and you can study that, you can kind of have in your back pocket, right?
00:42:00.280 --> 00:42:10.440
I think this also ties into attachment styles, and and that's kind of my thinking about it, because there's probably a reason why we were having a hard time doing this if that's the case.
00:42:10.599 --> 00:42:13.719
And there's maybe avoidance, there's a lot that kind of thing.
00:42:13.800 --> 00:42:22.119
And so learning about your attachment style and your upbringing and how that could have affected you would be helpful to um kind of sort this out as well, right?
00:42:22.920 --> 00:42:29.800
Um so recognizing it, receiving it, and that's kind of just like holding space for it with compassion, right?
00:42:30.360 --> 00:42:46.199
Um and then um researching and noticing where in the body you're feeling it, because there might be some physical sensations, interoceptive stuff going on and what is coming up inside um at a at a physical level.
00:42:46.519 --> 00:42:48.760
And you know, I might just stop there, right?
00:42:48.840 --> 00:43:15.880
The the final part would be more about self-compassion, but uh you know, I think if we can just have a one-minute um sort of, I don't know what you want to call it, one or two minute sort of um break in the day, a moment to to be with with whatever intense feeling is coming up, to pause and reflect for a second, that could just help all of us um kind of pay attention to what's there.
00:43:16.039 --> 00:43:28.599
And I think when you have a routine every morning or every day where you are just sitting with yourself without trying to go anywhere or figure anything out, it will allow you to do that kind of practice later.
00:43:30.039 --> 00:43:30.840
Does that make sense?
00:43:31.000 --> 00:43:45.960
Yeah, I I yeah, I love this, and and it makes me just think of like how um, and this isn't just a male thing, but how a lot of men and people will just feel something and go right into self-soothing, scrolling, food, all of that kind of stuff.
00:43:46.199 --> 00:43:50.039
This to me is a it's it's uh what what you're talking about.
00:43:50.119 --> 00:44:02.599
Yes, it sounds simple on the surface, and I know a lot of humanity are listening to this, probably some of you, especially if you're younger, like I have no idea what Justin is talking about, but let me just show you, you know, kind of how this would work.
00:44:02.760 --> 00:44:09.719
When, you know, especially with like you know, Ray and Justin talking about they got into this work for women, you know, because men do want connection.
00:44:09.800 --> 00:44:11.800
This is the thing that everyone forgets about men.
00:44:12.199 --> 00:44:20.119
Before we're genders, when we're male, female, we are humans, and every human needs safety and security and acceptance and belonging.
00:44:20.280 --> 00:44:27.239
So whether you like it or not, as a human, forget being male or female, you want connection.
00:44:27.400 --> 00:44:33.960
If you feel like you are disconnected, the first place to look is the idea that you are disconnected from self.
00:44:34.119 --> 00:44:37.239
So then when your woman asks you, what are you feeling?
00:44:37.480 --> 00:44:48.519
which is not to annoy you, it's a bid to connect with you, which you want to, you actually now have a mechanism to tell her what I'm feeling.
00:44:48.679 --> 00:44:52.119
You can actually name it and be like, Well, I don't actually know what this is.
00:44:52.199 --> 00:44:55.400
Maybe it's anger, but I'm feeling it right here in my throat.
00:44:55.639 --> 00:45:00.039
And you say this to a woman, she's gonna be like, This is the sexiest man that I've ever known.
00:45:00.199 --> 00:45:08.679
And she's gonna lean in and she's gonna want to totally understand what you're talking about because she's gonna be like, I've never heard a man talk like this.
00:45:09.000 --> 00:45:11.239
And this is where you get connected.
00:45:11.320 --> 00:45:16.760
It's also what allows me to connect with Danny and allows me to connect with Ray, and allows me to connect with Justin.
00:45:16.840 --> 00:45:24.599
When I know how I feel and I can express how I feel, I can connect with my brothers, right?
00:45:25.159 --> 00:45:29.800
And I don't feel as alone, and I can connect with my women.
00:45:29.880 --> 00:45:31.320
And so I love that idea.
00:45:31.400 --> 00:45:43.639
And then my one thing before I hear yours, Danny, is that I think that for men and humans in general, we know ourselves through our interactions with others.
00:45:44.360 --> 00:45:48.039
So to me, I would just say, look at your patterns.
00:45:48.280 --> 00:45:55.480
You know, as men, I think the core masculine trait should be radical responsibility and extreme ownership.
00:45:55.639 --> 00:46:07.480
So to me, I go, if I have a shitty pattern in my life and I continue to have broken relationships in my romantic patterns, and I continue to have, you know, I don't have connection with men.
00:46:07.559 --> 00:46:11.000
I have poor relationships with uh, you know, people.
00:46:11.239 --> 00:46:13.320
To me, I go, that's on me.
00:46:13.480 --> 00:46:16.840
Like this is a very masculine thing from my perspective.
00:46:16.920 --> 00:46:25.000
So I would say my one thing for men is radical responsibility, stream ownership, see your patterns, and fault is irrelevant.
00:46:25.320 --> 00:46:29.960
If it's in your sphere of awareness and you want to change, then it's on you, bro.
00:46:30.199 --> 00:46:30.679
Period.
00:46:30.840 --> 00:46:33.480
You know, so I I want to see what you think, uh, Dan.
00:46:33.960 --> 00:46:35.719
Let me just uh let me just add two points to that.
00:46:35.800 --> 00:46:44.360
Because justin, I'll let me tell you why that, why your point is A, not not boring, and B, I think a really good place for people to start.
00:46:44.599 --> 00:46:47.320
Because, you know, men really do have difficulty.
00:46:47.559 --> 00:46:53.480
Uh, and I don't want to put all men in the bucket, but uh when we're talking about men, really what we're talking about is masculine energy.
00:46:53.639 --> 00:47:08.840
Because I think that a lot of I think we're gonna see more and more women uh who tend towards a masculine energy run into some of the same problems that men are running into just because it's the masculine energy that becomes the challenge as the world begins to shift and change.
00:47:09.159 --> 00:47:11.639
Um but there's two things that I think really jump out at me.
00:47:11.719 --> 00:47:17.719
Number one, a lot of men I think will have difficulty um connecting emotionally with women.
00:47:17.880 --> 00:47:33.000
And sometimes it's better just to start inside yourself and connect with yourself and connect with your emotions inside because you can't really like there's no there's no chance of you feeling like like uh, you know, because I think men might think, well, you might think I'm too girly or too feminine.
00:47:33.159 --> 00:47:42.360
And uh maybe you start just interior and just watching these emotions, watching these feelings, and just you know, let the thoughts kind of just be out there.
00:47:42.440 --> 00:47:46.599
Just watch the emotion kind of float in front of you like a leaf floating down the river.
00:47:46.760 --> 00:47:53.960
And uh don't feel a need to change it, because I think that's what men have a tendency to do is when they feel something, they feel a need to change it.
00:47:54.199 --> 00:47:56.360
Just let it be, you know, let it be and let it let it watch.
00:47:56.679 --> 00:48:07.800
The second thing I'd say that that the mindfulness and the meditation does is the masculine energies have this uh this toxic way about them.
00:48:07.880 --> 00:48:15.639
And that toxic way is um the masculine energy thinks that their favorite place is not always someplace else.
00:48:16.119 --> 00:48:30.440
Like uh if you're here in the moment, uh the masculine energy has a tendency to be in the future, either trying to build or trying to um uh protect against some danger or something like that.
00:48:30.519 --> 00:48:49.079
And I think that that masculine energy is probably one of the things that men need to really come to grips with is that you know, uh the meditation helps to bring you from the the future thinking into the present thinking where you can um connect in the way that Jade was talking about.
00:48:49.480 --> 00:49:09.960
Um if your favorite place is someplace else, I think you had Jade, like you ran into that um with Jill, because I remember you telling me about how, you know, um she was always someplace else, you know, because she was in the social media, she was doing the you know, the the um and that was very difficult for your feminine energy to connect with.
00:49:10.199 --> 00:49:23.400
And uh I think a lot of um a lot of uh men suffer, struggle with that as well, is that their mind isn't here in the present with the person, with the emotions, it's someplace else trying to fix something.
00:49:24.679 --> 00:49:25.320
Yeah.
00:49:25.880 --> 00:49:37.880
Yeah, and I and just so yeah, we need to get Jill on here, but I don't know if Jill would, you know, um necessarily say that was the case, but that that absolutely was, I think, adequate in terms of what I was feeling, you know, for sure.
00:49:38.119 --> 00:49:38.679
Yeah.
00:49:38.920 --> 00:49:39.559
Yeah.
00:49:40.679 --> 00:49:41.800
Go ahead, Danny.
00:49:42.920 --> 00:49:45.159
Yeah, I'll throw I'll throw mine into the hat.
00:49:45.239 --> 00:49:49.960
Uh of the group here, I'm definitely uh the closest to the caveman.
00:49:50.119 --> 00:49:55.320
I'm the I'll probably like I'm probably like the beers and ball games guy of the group.
00:49:55.559 --> 00:50:00.360
So I'll my my protocol would be more um less philosophical.
00:50:00.440 --> 00:50:03.559
And I I think everything you guys said, I don't I don't have any pushback on it.
00:50:03.639 --> 00:50:13.239
I think it's probably some of the most powerful things that we could do to your point, Jay, not just as men, but as human beings, some of these mindfulness practices, I just think they're they are incredibly powerful.
00:50:13.400 --> 00:50:14.519
And I do, I do engage in them.
00:50:14.599 --> 00:50:23.480
But if I'm giving someone, I'm like thinking of a 19, 20, 21-year-old Dan, I'm like, what would I, what would be the protocol for him I would give?
00:50:23.639 --> 00:50:26.760
I would say it's like it's like three things every day.
00:50:26.920 --> 00:50:30.119
It's read a book, it's make a move, and it's send a text.
00:50:30.360 --> 00:50:34.519
Read a book, like an actual book made of paper at some point.
00:50:34.679 --> 00:50:39.079
You guys can push back something through this, but I've been on a little bit of a tirade uh pro books.
00:50:39.239 --> 00:50:43.480
I'm a I'm a book guy, as you guys know, but people are like, but people learn in different ways.
00:50:43.639 --> 00:50:45.000
And I'm like, yes, they do.
00:50:45.159 --> 00:50:49.480
I watch YouTube videos, I listen to podcasts, and I I'm just like, read a fucking book.
00:50:49.719 --> 00:50:50.840
Books for a couple reasons.
00:50:51.000 --> 00:51:03.079
One, when we read a book, not listen to it, but when we read it, it slows down our brain and different language standards in the brain light up to where we're we can actually start to develop our vocabulary in emotional or otherwise.
00:51:03.239 --> 00:51:11.559
And it's interesting for men that I kind of like from my from my caveman group of men, the entryway into self-development has been books.
00:51:11.719 --> 00:51:23.880
My I have a group of friends who are probably a little, they're not, they're not quite into self-development, but they'll read a book and they'll send me recommendations, or they'll they'll send me a link, or they'll just send me a book on Amazon off the cuff.
00:51:24.039 --> 00:51:25.960
It's a way that we can connect with one another.
00:51:26.119 --> 00:51:27.880
It's also great to start a conversation.
00:51:28.039 --> 00:51:37.480
I remember I had, I was in like a male book club when I was living in Austin, and the discussions always start around service level, some sort of history book or something like that.
00:51:37.639 --> 00:51:41.719
And they always evolve from there into something a little bit deeper, a little bit more personal.
00:51:41.880 --> 00:51:51.719
So I just think one, it's a great entryway into some of these discussions, and it's an easy thing for dudes to do, and it is a different type of learning than a podcast or a YouTube.
00:51:51.880 --> 00:51:54.360
And it's also typically more thoughtful.
00:51:54.599 --> 00:51:57.320
A podcast, I I've listened to some of these podcasts.
00:51:57.480 --> 00:51:59.079
I just go, wow, they haven't thought about that.
00:51:59.159 --> 00:52:00.760
They're thinking out loud right now.
00:52:01.000 --> 00:52:03.159
This is this is just a stream of consciousness.
00:52:03.239 --> 00:52:07.880
But books tend to be a little bit more structured, a little bit more thoughtful, a little bit more research.
00:52:08.119 --> 00:52:09.639
So read a book, make a move.
00:52:09.719 --> 00:52:16.360
I don't care what you do, if you go play basketball, if you lift a weight, if you go on a walk, I think that was pretty pivotal for me.
00:52:16.440 --> 00:52:18.440
I think weightlifting was it for me.
00:52:18.599 --> 00:52:21.800
I used to work out with Jade when I was a 19, 20-year-old kid.
00:52:21.960 --> 00:52:24.119
That was hugely part of my self-development journey.
00:52:24.199 --> 00:52:27.320
But whatever your movement of choice is, make a move and then send a text.
00:52:27.480 --> 00:52:28.920
It's something I'm trying to do this year.
00:52:29.000 --> 00:52:36.519
It could be a call, but it's like reach out to somebody in connection, send them, send them a link to an article you read, send them a book recommendation, just checking in.
00:52:36.599 --> 00:52:37.880
Hey, what's been going on lately?
00:52:38.039 --> 00:52:38.599
Stuff like that.
00:52:38.760 --> 00:52:42.679
That practice, those three practices have made all the difference in the world for me.
00:52:42.840 --> 00:52:47.639
So if you can, on most days, read a book, make a move, and send a text.
00:52:47.719 --> 00:52:49.880
I think a lot of people are going to be well on their way.
00:52:49.960 --> 00:52:53.559
They're not gonna be just sitting in their house all day because you got to get outside to make a move.
00:52:53.639 --> 00:52:59.880
I guess you could be inside, but they're not, they're gonna get off their video games, gonna have to get away from your distractions at least for a small period of time.
00:52:59.960 --> 00:53:02.280
And then, like any muscle, I think that grows over time.
00:53:02.360 --> 00:53:06.760
So that's probably over-simplistic, but those would be my big three protocol.
00:53:07.639 --> 00:53:10.360
Let me let me uh say just one thing about the make the move.
00:53:10.440 --> 00:53:11.639
I I love those, by the way.
00:53:11.719 --> 00:53:19.239
Uh the make the move thing, I think, uh, for you guys, I do think this kind of stuff, having conversations is a great way to make a move.
00:53:19.400 --> 00:53:26.360
I think I think a lot of the reason men don't get into self-development as well is they don't get an opportunity to have conversations like this.
00:53:26.519 --> 00:53:34.280
I think, especially us four and people in our circle, like we're having conversations like this all the time, which is why we feel uh connected.
00:53:34.440 --> 00:53:43.639
So I do think, you know, yeah, walk, lift weights, but get in conversations with your brothers and ask them how they feel.
00:53:43.800 --> 00:53:57.400
You will be surprised when it's not a woman asking you how you feel, but a man asking another man how they feel, how that gives that other man permission to kind of be like, oh, I'll tell one quick story and then we can start wrapping up if you guys want.
00:53:57.639 --> 00:54:06.199
But my uh my grandfather, old school Italian man, you know, very manly old school, you know, we're talking, he was born in 1912.
00:54:06.440 --> 00:54:12.199
Um, and so he, when we would come into the house, my mom would be like, go give your grandfather a hug.
00:54:12.360 --> 00:54:20.440
And we would run and he would push us away and be like, you know, no, no, no, no, no, get out of here, say good, say, you know, like he talked like one of those gangsters.
00:54:20.599 --> 00:54:26.840
And basically, my mom would be like, he would push us away, and my mom would be like, Jade, come here.
00:54:26.920 --> 00:54:28.119
Do not let him push you away.
00:54:28.199 --> 00:54:29.159
You go give him a hug.
00:54:29.239 --> 00:54:30.840
I'm like, mom, but he doesn't want a hug.
00:54:30.920 --> 00:54:32.039
Go hug him now.
00:54:32.280 --> 00:54:34.199
So I would go and I would hug him.
00:54:34.360 --> 00:54:40.679
And by the time I was in high school, my grandfather was looking for not just a hug, but a kiss.
00:54:40.840 --> 00:54:43.000
And here's the interesting thing about that.
00:54:43.239 --> 00:54:46.599
He was craving connection to all humans do.
00:54:46.679 --> 00:54:50.840
So the first thing men need to realize is that you are human, you need connection.
00:54:50.920 --> 00:54:58.519
I don't care what you say, and you need connection from your brothers in a different way than a romantic connection.
00:54:58.679 --> 00:55:03.559
It is brotherly love, this idea of going to battle with people.
00:55:03.719 --> 00:55:19.239
Luckily, we're not in, you know, wars right now, but that same thing happens when Ray's going through a tough time, or Danny's going through a tough time, or Jess is going through a tough time, or I'm going through a tough time, that I can reach out to these dudes and be like, you know, I uh need you.
00:55:19.400 --> 00:55:25.239
And us men don't tend to do that, but it starts with just these small little actions.
00:55:25.320 --> 00:55:27.320
So I don't know where you want to go with this, Danny.
00:55:27.400 --> 00:55:28.360
We can begin wrapping it up.
00:55:28.440 --> 00:55:29.800
And any final thoughts for all of you?
00:55:29.880 --> 00:55:33.320
I I think that's kind of uh where I would come down, my final thought.
00:55:34.519 --> 00:55:38.519
I just want to I thought Ray was starting to talk on my caveman protocol.
00:55:38.599 --> 00:55:41.480
I just wanted to see if he had if he had something to add or subtract.
00:55:41.800 --> 00:55:44.840
I I was just gonna say, nobody ever texts me.
00:55:47.559 --> 00:55:49.719
Let me get my violin, man.
00:55:53.079 --> 00:55:55.400
Uh well, we know I'm horrible at all.
00:55:59.239 --> 00:56:02.199
Yeah, they're just it's it's a broadcast text to Jade.
00:56:02.280 --> 00:56:03.400
It's just an announcement.
00:56:03.639 --> 00:56:03.960
Yeah.
00:56:04.199 --> 00:56:06.360
No, no, you've been getting better, man, in recent years.
00:56:06.519 --> 00:56:09.880
I don't know if you've been trying, but you've been getting a lot more responsive in recent years.
00:56:10.119 --> 00:56:10.760
Well, you know what?
00:56:11.000 --> 00:56:17.639
Recent years I have had some rough things happen, and so I'm like, I I want to reach out to my bros for connection, you know.
00:56:19.400 --> 00:56:30.920
Jay, before we go, you gotta, since you're talking about your grandfather, because we gotta have part entertainment, you gotta tell the the uh going out to eat story where he knew this fine little Mexican restaurant.
00:56:31.480 --> 00:56:36.920
Yeah, so yeah, so we land in in Zero Beast, Florida, and he's like, Are you boys hungry?
00:56:37.000 --> 00:56:38.840
See, by the way, he's 92 and he drives.
00:56:38.920 --> 00:56:40.280
He won't let anyone else drive.
00:56:40.360 --> 00:56:43.880
And while he's driving, if you come up to a stop sign, he'll be like, you know what?
00:56:43.960 --> 00:56:46.039
This uh this stop sign, I just go right on through.
00:56:46.119 --> 00:56:49.159
See, it's like, are you just slow down if no one's coming, just go right on through?
00:56:49.400 --> 00:56:52.679
But then he says, We're like, oh hell yeah, we're we're starving.
00:56:52.840 --> 00:56:55.239
He goes, I know the best little Mexican place.
00:56:55.400 --> 00:56:56.199
See, just opened up.
00:56:56.440 --> 00:56:57.639
Taco Bell, see.
00:56:57.880 --> 00:56:59.400
It's the cheapest, best food.
00:56:59.480 --> 00:57:03.159
And I'm like, he had no idea the Taco Bell was a chain.
00:57:06.039 --> 00:57:07.559
This is my grandfather.
00:57:07.960 --> 00:57:11.000
And by the way, the cheaper the food, daddy, the cheaper the food, the better.
00:57:11.079 --> 00:57:12.440
Like if it was cheap, he loved it.
00:57:12.519 --> 00:57:18.760
Like, yeah, I don't know if most of you who are listening to this, if you ever heard of KMW and cheap, KMW cafeteria, which is in the south.
00:57:18.840 --> 00:57:21.800
I don't know if you have that up in Maryland, Ray, but they have it down in the south.
00:57:21.880 --> 00:57:23.320
I think it's gone out of business now.
00:57:23.480 --> 00:57:24.280
That was his favorite place.
00:57:24.360 --> 00:57:27.639
He tastes like a school cafeteria that you that you went to.
00:57:27.880 --> 00:57:29.159
He loved that shit.
00:57:29.400 --> 00:57:31.079
Uh, funny dude.
00:57:31.880 --> 00:57:33.000
That's funny stuff.
00:57:33.159 --> 00:57:34.519
See, that's what it's all about.
00:57:34.679 --> 00:57:38.119
Uh got any final thoughts, final thoughts on the conversation.
00:57:39.400 --> 00:57:41.159
But thank you guys for doing this.
00:57:41.559 --> 00:57:42.199
Yeah, thanks.
00:57:42.360 --> 00:57:43.239
Thanks, guys.
00:57:43.719 --> 00:57:43.880
Cool.
00:57:44.119 --> 00:57:45.800
So thank you everybody for hanging out.
00:57:45.880 --> 00:57:48.679
Um, check out uh Danny, he's here on Substack.
00:57:48.760 --> 00:57:50.199
Uh check him out on Instagram.
00:57:50.280 --> 00:57:53.559
It's uh at it's Danny Coleman on uh Instagram.
00:57:53.719 --> 00:57:54.760
Check out Ray, Dr.
00:57:54.920 --> 00:57:58.360
Ray Heines, who's also on Substack, and you are too, Justin, right?
00:57:58.440 --> 00:58:00.760
So like we're all on Substack minus there.
00:58:01.000 --> 00:58:03.719
If you have difficulty finding them, go to my profiles.
00:58:03.800 --> 00:58:07.239
You'll see that I follow Ray, I follow Justin, I follow Danny.
00:58:07.400 --> 00:58:10.119
So make sure you uh you know follow them.
00:58:10.199 --> 00:58:15.159
Uh I love you boys, and uh, we will see you at the next video.