Stop Second-Guessing Yourself: How to Rebuild Self-Trust

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Are you constantly overthinking? Maybe it's not because you don't
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know what to do. Maybe it's because deep down, you
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know what you need to do, but you've just stopped
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trusting yourself. And today we're gonna change that for you.
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Welcome back to the show. Kalmini Wood is back, and
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today we're talking about something I think almost everyone has
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struggled with at some point in their life, and that
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is self-trust. Why do we second guess ourselves? Why do
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we even need anyone else's opinion? And most importantly, how
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do we learn to get our own voice back? So Kalmani,
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it's really great to see you again. We're just chatting
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a little bit, catching up because it's been a little
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while since you've been on the show, but you've been
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traveling this summer and it's really nice to see you
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and have you back.
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Thank you. It's great to see you. Yeah, I missed you. Yes,
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these are important conversations. They really truly are.
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And I mean, adopting these types of things can really
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help someone change their life. Like if you're constantly seeping
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energy because you're giving so much thought to things, you're
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going to feel tired. So I'm excited to get into
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this topic today.
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Me too.
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What do you think it means to actually trust yourself?
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Like people talk about that all the time. Like, oh,
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just trust yourself.
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Like, what does that mean? Without all the fluff. Without
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all the fluff, yeah.
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If we really boil it down, it means actually paying
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attention to your own needs and your own wants and
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desires as well as listening to your inner voice. I
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think so often the overthinking happens or we tend to
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overthink because of these experiences that we've had. And in
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the process of overthinking, what ends up happening is we're
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trying to please others or not disappoint others or... to
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be accepted, whatever that narrative is. And we quiet ourselves down.
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We shrink and we get smaller and smaller. And that's
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where you and I are talking about this idea of self-trust.
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It gets quieter and quieter and quieter. And then we
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don't really know what our inner being wants. And we
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struggle to even answer the question, what do you want
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for dinner? And the answer naturally becomes, I don't know,
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whatever you want. And we get so used to that.
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But that's like a very surface level example of we're
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not even able to connect with ourselves. on that deeper level.
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And that's what you and I are chatting about today.
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Yeah.
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So it is like, we all have a deep knowing
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it and we all have a tendency to, like you said,
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shrink ourselves. And most of the time it has to
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do with thinking we're going to upset someone else or
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even questioning our own inner knowing. So how do we
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go from knowing what we want to constantly questioning ourselves?
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I think it happens through experiences and messages we've received, right?
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So when we're younger, as an example, if we speak
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up and say something that we think it's aligned with ourselves,
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And we're met with any type of animosity or we're
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met with a response of that selfish or you need
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to be thinking of others. One that I got a
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lot was be kind. Well, I misinterpreted what kind was.
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It meant, oh, I couldn't say what I wanted instead.
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Kindness meant that I needed to quiet the self, the
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inner knowing. It was, oh, well, what do you want instead?
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And so it does come from these messages and these experiences.
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And then they get internalized and transmuted into kindness. shrink yourself,
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quiet yourself, because we don't want to be selfish. We
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don't want to be disappointing to others. We don't want
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to upset the apple cart, so to speak, right? And
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so we survive through this idea of getting quieter in
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terms of what it is that we know, and we
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keep those things quiet. I even see this in workplaces now,
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when I go in and facilitate for leaders in these
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leadership facilitations, they know certain things, but they don't trust
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themselves to speak up.
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Why?
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Because maybe they've had experiences even in the context of
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the office space that when they do speak up, it's
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met with negativity. Well, if you're met with negativity, you're
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going to keep those things to yourself. But then that
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every time that that happens, you then start to question
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yourself of maybe I don't know the answer. So your
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self-trust gets smaller and smaller.
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Is there a specific sign that someone has lost trust
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in their own judgment?
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I think it becomes like every time that they go
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and they, then the instinctive thing is, well, what do
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you think? Or they can't even say what it is
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that they think. They just actually ask for other people's opinion.
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And then they're basing all of their choices on what
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somebody else is giving them, like what they're telling them
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they should do.
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This happens a lot.
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I see, like I work with university students and they'll
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be stressing out about how to study. Like I'm thinking
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of a client right now who's in medical school and
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they're she gets really bogged down on this idea of,
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am I studying the right way? And she's paying attention
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to what everybody else is doing. And we've been working
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on rebuilding that sense of self-trust where it's, well, what
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has worked for.
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You in the past? What do you know to be true?
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But because there's this experience of watching all these other
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people do these things and seeing them succeed and then
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questioning whether or not she knows how to do it,
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she's lost the ability to track what works for her.
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Yeah, yeah, totally. That makes so much sense.
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It's weird how we feel like other people know better
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than us. Like I was thinking about, we literally had
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this conversation last night with someone, like we... talking about issues,
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like we all know someone who is like a trauma dumper,
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he'll go for coffee with them. And they literally talk
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about all the things that are happening wrong in their life.
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And you can barely get a word in. And then
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they expect some kind of magic solution. But really, you
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can mirror back at them, well, what are you going
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to do about it? Or like, how are you going
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to fix this? Like, we all have the inner knowing of.
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What we need.
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And no one knows what we need, but ourselves. But
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it's like I said, it's just weird how We've been
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conditioned to think that other people are going to know
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the answer. Or maybe it's just really wishful thinking. That's
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what we want, right? We go to doctors.
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We need help. And I'm not saying that's wrong.
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I have a million coaches and doctors and naturopaths that
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I work with. But ultimately, it's up to us. So
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we have the choice still. Even if someone tells us something,
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it's still up to us to make that final decision
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because no one is in our bodies.
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Right. Right. And so often we have taken on the
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narrative that we don't know, right? So even when I
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ask my clients, I'll say, okay, so what do you
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choose to do about that? There's usually this like almost
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deer in head bites look of, I don't know, what
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do you think I should do? And so we sit
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there and we dive deeper into, well, what are the
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things that you know to be true? What are the
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things that your own heart is telling you? It is
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about reconnecting. We're talking about like, how do we rebuild self-trust?
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It is reconnecting to you. What's meaningful to you? What
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matters to you? Because in that is your foundational piece
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of saying, of finding that answer of, okay, self, what
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do I want to do about this?
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Yeah.
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Versus if we look to somebody else to tell us
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what to do, we're not connected to it. I go
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back to the metaphor of telling a teenager to clean
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their room. They kind of look at you and they're like, yeah, no,
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it's not going to happen. Why? Because it's not connected
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to them. They have no meaning in cleaning their room.
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When they can get there and they're like, oh gosh,
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like this actually matters to me because of fill in
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the blank.
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Suddenly the room is clean.
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It's take that and like spin it to your own self.
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It's like if you constantly looking externally for everybody to
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constantly tell you what to do, you may do it,
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but are you fully aligned with it? Versus if you
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start to ask yourself those really important questions of what
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actually matters to me, What do I value? What's meaningful
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to me? And you start making your decisions based on that.
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Not only are you building self-trust, but it's an alignment
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with you. You're going to be so much more connected
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to it and intrinsically motivated to continue doing.
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What you're doing. Absolutely.
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Yeah, that makes so much sense. If you're doing it
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for yourself, for sure. And I think someone can look
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really confident on the outside and really have zero self-trust
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on the inside, or someone could look really confident. We
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think that what they're going to tell us is going
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to be the answer because of how they appear to us. Like,
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People talk about white coat syndrome at the doctor's office,
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listening to whatever the doctor says, even though someone wants
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to kind of argue against or challenge what they're saying.
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But we don't do that because, I don't know, we
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put people on pedestals, I guess, based on appearance and judgment.
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Yes, you're absolutely right. And I think that's another great
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example of when it is important to trust yourself. The
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doctor is a great example because doctors are amazing and
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they know a lot. And yet there are moments where
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it's about what do you know.
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About your body?
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I know this from a personal experience of just being told, oh,
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your lab numbers are totally fine. And I had to
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push on that and say, hey, let's talk about this
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more because something doesn't still feel right. And then it's, oh,
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let's run these extra tests. labs it's like oh yes
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your thyroid right and and had I not done that
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I would have taken it and been like okay they
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say I'm fine it's fine even though I'm feeling extraordinarily
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fatigued but it was leaning into that self-trust I know
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something isn't right here I'm gonna ask more questions and
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again it wasn't from a disrespectful place it wasn't me
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being rude or obnoxious it was trusting that I know
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something isn't aligned, I'm going to ask more questions.
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Absolutely. Yeah, for sure.
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And that happens in the workplace all the time with
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the boss, but sometimes we have to suck that up
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and do what the boss says, but that's a different conversation.
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Yeah, for those times, we kind of have to go.
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It's about trusting ourselves and hopefully there's enough psychological safety
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for us to at least voice it. And then sometimes
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we do have to go with what what our leadership
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tells us.
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Let's maybe talk a little bit about the overthinking part
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of things because why does that make a simple decision
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feel exhausting?
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Well, because when we think about it, when we're overthinking,
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our mind, it's like our mind is running a marathon
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and never gets to sit down.
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Totally.
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That's generally when my mind overthinks, I envision that where
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it's like it is, my mind is constantly running and
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running and running and running and it's going and going
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and it never gets to actually take a breather, sit
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on the bench, take a breather, drink some water. And
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so we are emotionally exhausted by the whole thing.
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And we have.
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Probably played and replayed conversations in our head. That's one
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side of overthinking. The other side is the anticipatory overthinking
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where you need to have a conversation. And so you
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come up with every single thing that that person could
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say and then how you're going to respond. It's all
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exhausting because our brains are not meant to be on 24-7, right?
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But here's the thing that I want to say. It's
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not like if you're an overthinker and I happen to
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be one. I would love to say that I could
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tell myself like, okay, just calm and stop overthinking. I mean,
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if we're that simple, we would all do it. So
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the way that I look at it is go towards
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it and get curious and name and notice what's happening. Okay,
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I'm doing the thing where I'm overthinking. What is it
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that I'm needing right now? Clearly, I'm anticipating something or
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I'm anxious about something. So how can I rebuild my self-capacity?
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Because when I think of anxiety, it's really that difference
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between a perceived challenge and our perceived self-capacity. The anxiety
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is that delta.
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And so we.
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Can't really do much about the challenge because it is
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what it is, but we can work on our perceived self-capacity.
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And that's where we pay attention to, okay, what am
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I needing? What do I know to be true about myself?
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And that's the way that we can raise our perception
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of self. And so the delta becomes smaller.
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Oh, I love that.
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And I think adding, what am I avoiding by overthinking?
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Because I tend to do that sometimes when I know
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what I need to do, but I'm trying to make
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excuses as to how I'm going to still stay in
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the same place because the decision that I need to
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do or make is hard. It's exhausting when you know
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the decision you need to make, but making that decision
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is hard. And so you can overthink it because you're like,
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this is going to be so hard. I don't want
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to leave this job. I don't want to leave my
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partner because it's going to hurt me or hurt them.
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And then you stay in these overthinking traps because of
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the outcome of having to deal with that as well.
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I've overthought many times because of that.
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Yeah, avoiding.
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And then also another good curious question is to just
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ask yourself, what might I be afraid of here? What
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might I be fearing? Because oftentimes it's a protective mechanism.
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Our overthinking is really a protective mechanism, right? It's trying
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to protect us from something. So if we can name
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the thing that we're afraid of, then we can take
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it one step further. Okay, self, even if that happens,
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what will I do? What will I choose to do?
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Because most often we, I mean, we're here, right? So
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we've gotten through hard, challenging things before. We're right back
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circling back to self-trust. It's, yeah, I can meet that.
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I can handle even that. Even though it's going to
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be really tough, I can deal with it, right? So
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if we're overthinking a conversation, it's like, well, they might
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be mad at me. Okay, well, maybe that's what I'm
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afraid of, that they're going to be mad at me.
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What's the thing underneath that? I'm afraid that they're not
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going to be friends with me anymore.
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OK, and then what will I do? Well, it's going
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to be hard.
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I'm going to be sad and.
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I'm going to carry on.
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So then we just literally work our way through that. OK,
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so I don't actually have to keep overthinking this anymore.
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Yeah. For sure.
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We always go for like the worst possible scenario, thinking
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that our life is going to be over.
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Really, it's like not that bad.
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And it's crazy because when we make the hard decision
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and move forward, it usually feels really good.
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It's like freeing. Yes, yes. And that's something else, too.
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I love that you just said that it's freeing. Oftentimes,
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once we make the decision and we take the action,
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we will feel relief. And that relief is really telling
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because it's communicating that we needed to do that. Just recently,
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a good friend made the choice. She's going back and
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forth with her position at work, and she's really struggling
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with it. And then she finally just said, hey, I
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need to find something else, and I'm just going to
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choose to move on. I'm just going to put in
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my notice so I can fully focus on looking for
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the new job. And she said, Kamini, as soon as
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I did that, my body felt this sense of relief.
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Yeah.
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It's like self-trust in action, right? Trusted herself to say,
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this isn't right for me. Took the action as scary
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as it was. And then the moment she put in
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her notice, there's like this sense of relief. It's like, oh,
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I needed to do that. I needed to do that.
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That's awesome.
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It's the self-validation. And then those situations tend to snowball
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in a good way. It's like all of a sudden
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you gain this confidence and you're like, oh my gosh,
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I did it. And then like other things start happening too.
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Cause you're like, well, if I did that, then I
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can do this and this and this.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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And then that example, it's, I can trust myself to
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know what's right for me and what's not. Now, suddenly
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all the opportunities she's looking for in employment, it's, there's
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just all these doors have opened because she wasn't in
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this contained box anymore. And she's trusting what she knows
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on the inside of what it is that lights her
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up and excites her. And so now she's looking at
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many more different opportunities.
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I love that.
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So we all know one of these types of people,
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the person that goes to like five or six different
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people to ask Someone's opinion of what they already know
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the answer to be.
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Why do people do that?
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I know I, I don't know, part of me felt
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irritated when someone would come to me and ask me
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my opinion. And then two minutes later, and this happened
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in the workplace all the time, I would hear the
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same person go to like the person across office to
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ask the same question, see what they would say.
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Why do you think people do that?
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Well, it can be for a number of reasons, but
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I think really it comes down to fear of making
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the wrong decision. You know, it's an internal thing more
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than that they don't trust what you're saying as the
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person giving your opinion. It's more of a what's happening
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inside of me, which is I want to get as
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many opinions as I can. Why do I want to
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do that? Because I'm actually terrified of making, quote unquote,
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the wrong decision. And then we go back to what
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I just said a few minutes ago, which is, okay,
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let's say we make a decision and it turns out
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not to have the outcome we want. What are we
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going to do? We're going to pivot because how do
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we know we're going to do that?
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We've done it.
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Our entire life, every time that something didn't work out
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the way we wanted it to, we pivoted. So we
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have evidence for that. But that's why we do it.
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That's why people, I think, do it more than anything
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is ultimately they just don't want to make the wrong decision.
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And so it's almost like if I can ask multiple
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people and a majority say this, then maybe that's that's
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the right decision, because.
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By consensus.
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Five people told me this was the thing to do,
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so therefore it must be the right decision. When in fact,
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it could still not be the outcome that you as
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your own individual self want or need, right?
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Right.
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Yeah.
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You're like, no, tell me to do the opposite.
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Right.
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Exactly. Exactly.
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I'm seeing it so much more too now with AI though.
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I hear so many people say, well, I got so-and-so
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said this, this, and this. And so then I ran
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00:16:48.820 --> 00:16:49.620
it through chat GPT.
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It's Oh my gosh, ChatGPT will praise me for everything
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I do, even if it's not the right thing to do.
379
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You did amazing today.
380
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That was great.
381
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No, that wasn't.
382
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No, no, no, I did not. I know.
383
00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:05.900
So many times I'm like, can you tell me the truth? Like,
384
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be a little bit hard on me. Challenge me, please.
385
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But it's a.
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Form of wanting to get some validation that I'm making
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the right decision, right?
388
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Because I don't want to mess up. Yeah. And like, exactly.
389
00:17:19.829 --> 00:17:20.829
Asking multiple people.
390
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And but if you're getting multiple different answers, I think
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that can make self-doubt even worse because you're like, oh,
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00:17:27.309 --> 00:17:30.480
my gosh, like I'm not getting consistent answers from anybody.
393
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So now what do I do? I know that's happened
394
00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:35.599
to me in the past for sure. Absolutely.
395
00:17:35.619 --> 00:17:39.019
I would offer a slight reframe to that, though, which is, wow,
396
00:17:39.160 --> 00:17:42.670
multiple different suggestions or options here.
397
00:17:43.009 --> 00:17:45.009
Clearly, there's not a right answer. So I'm just going
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to choose the one that's right for me. Perfect.
399
00:17:47.470 --> 00:17:50.670
If we're looking for the right answer, well, apparently, whatever
400
00:17:50.750 --> 00:17:53.750
answer I choose is potentially the right one because nobody
401
00:17:53.789 --> 00:17:55.150
seems to agree on the right answer.
402
00:17:55.250 --> 00:17:56.950
That makes sense. I love that.
403
00:17:57.190 --> 00:18:00.359
I would love to bring this topic into relationships. So
404
00:18:01.099 --> 00:18:03.759
Do you think certain relationships can slowly cause us to
405
00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:05.619
stop trusting our own feelings?
406
00:18:06.579 --> 00:18:07.619
Yes, absolutely.
407
00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:12.529
I think when we're involved in toxic dynamics, especially when there's,
408
00:18:12.650 --> 00:18:14.589
and I will use the term that's being bounced around
409
00:18:14.630 --> 00:18:17.839
a lot right now, gaslighting. right? Where our reality is
410
00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:21.059
being questioned routinely or we're met with, oh, I was
411
00:18:21.099 --> 00:18:21.920
just joking.
412
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It was just a joke.
413
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And we're having a reaction to it. We're told that
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00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:29.660
we're being hypersensitive. Every time that that gaslighting happens, it's
415
00:18:29.740 --> 00:18:33.430
whittling away at our ability to self-trust. I happen to
416
00:18:33.450 --> 00:18:35.269
be working with an individual right now where that was
417
00:18:35.269 --> 00:18:38.589
15 years in her marriage of constantly being told that
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00:18:38.609 --> 00:18:41.710
she was overreacting to things. She was being hypersensitive to things.
419
00:18:42.269 --> 00:18:44.369
And so she has lost her ability to trust whether
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00:18:44.430 --> 00:18:47.509
her reaction to things is quote unquote, okay. And so
421
00:18:47.569 --> 00:18:51.490
it happens routinely in these toxic dynamics is the ability
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to hear yourself, to trust what it is you're feeling,
423
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what it is you're thinking, because you've been told over
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and over again that what you're thinking or what you're
425
00:19:00.299 --> 00:19:02.400
feeling is not appropriate or it's wrong.
426
00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:03.400
Yeah.
427
00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:07.359
Like being repeatedly dismissed or being told that you're too
428
00:19:07.380 --> 00:19:11.480
much or that that's not right or you're overreacting to something. Yeah,
429
00:19:11.500 --> 00:19:13.980
I just like I'm imagining someone just feeling like they're
430
00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:17.970
trapped in a box. I mean, we've been through that before.
431
00:19:18.150 --> 00:19:20.930
Why do you think people start questioning what they saw,
432
00:19:21.029 --> 00:19:22.150
heard or experienced?
433
00:19:23.410 --> 00:19:25.829
Well, I think it's survival, right? Like if you're in
434
00:19:25.869 --> 00:19:30.690
this relationship in order to continue to survive in the relationship,
435
00:19:31.029 --> 00:19:34.130
you almost by default get to that place of, well,
436
00:19:34.150 --> 00:19:36.579
I have to question like it. Clearly, I can't trust
437
00:19:36.599 --> 00:19:38.420
what I'm thinking. So what is my partner telling me
438
00:19:38.460 --> 00:19:41.049
I'm thinking? Clearly, I can't trust what I'm feeling. So
439
00:19:41.049 --> 00:19:43.619
what are they telling me I should be feeling? And
440
00:19:43.619 --> 00:19:47.039
so we lose that ability to actually connect with ourselves. Even,
441
00:19:47.059 --> 00:19:50.799
I think this happens sometimes even in parent-child relationships unwittingly,
442
00:19:50.880 --> 00:19:53.559
where it's the parent just defaults to saying like, oh,
443
00:19:53.599 --> 00:19:57.289
you're overreacting to something or don't be upset about that. Again,
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00:19:57.549 --> 00:19:59.930
not necessarily a toxic dynamic, but it's a different type
445
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of relationship where child looks at the parent as kind
446
00:20:02.789 --> 00:20:06.470
of the all-knowing, right, in that dynamic. And they're being told,
447
00:20:06.490 --> 00:20:09.509
I shouldn't be sad about this. well, now they're losing
448
00:20:09.670 --> 00:20:13.609
traction and connection to their own feelings. And it's not
449
00:20:13.630 --> 00:20:16.549
to say that every feeling is something that you need
450
00:20:16.589 --> 00:20:19.369
to act on, but feelings are their data points. They're
451
00:20:19.390 --> 00:20:22.190
telling us we're having an emotional reaction to something. What
452
00:20:22.269 --> 00:20:25.170
need might not be met here? What value might not
453
00:20:25.390 --> 00:20:28.900
being honored? But that's another example. Again, that's not a
454
00:20:28.910 --> 00:20:32.420
toxic relationship. It's just the dynamic that we're handed to
455
00:20:32.460 --> 00:20:34.940
when it's that parent-child relationship. So I do say like
456
00:20:35.160 --> 00:20:37.359
when I'm coaching parents, it's, It is important to pay
457
00:20:37.380 --> 00:20:39.799
attention to how are we communicating with our kids because
458
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those words do matter.
459
00:20:40.940 --> 00:20:43.910
Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's a really, really good point.
460
00:20:44.109 --> 00:20:46.170
When you're told like, don't be sad or suck it up,
461
00:20:47.069 --> 00:20:50.109
it makes you feel shame for feeling those ways when
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00:20:50.170 --> 00:20:52.880
really it's just like about sitting with it. Which brings
463
00:20:52.920 --> 00:20:56.400
me to this perfectly like rolls into the next question
464
00:20:56.440 --> 00:20:58.839
I was going to ask you is, the role of
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external validation. So what role does that play in our
466
00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:06.160
lives when it comes related to self-trust? And how do
467
00:21:06.200 --> 00:21:08.650
you think that could potentially keep us stuck?
468
00:21:08.789 --> 00:21:10.390
Yeah, I think it plays a huge role because if
469
00:21:10.410 --> 00:21:13.269
you think about us as humans, right, we're social beings.
470
00:21:13.369 --> 00:21:15.849
So we have a need to not just be seen,
471
00:21:15.890 --> 00:21:18.950
but also be accepted and to belong. And so we
472
00:21:18.990 --> 00:21:22.720
do look for that external validation. And so if externally,
473
00:21:23.079 --> 00:21:25.900
we're constantly looking for that, hey, you're doing okay, or
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00:21:25.940 --> 00:21:28.900
that's the right, again, right decision, all of that, all
475
00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:31.930
of that. We lose the ability to, we lose the
476
00:21:31.970 --> 00:21:33.869
connection to self. It's not the ability, it's just the
477
00:21:33.910 --> 00:21:36.730
connection to self of what do I think here? And
478
00:21:36.750 --> 00:21:39.869
the fear of if I follow what I want or
479
00:21:39.950 --> 00:21:43.869
am thinking, will I get rejected by society? And if
480
00:21:43.910 --> 00:21:46.660
we think about that from just that evolutionary standpoint, right?
481
00:21:46.680 --> 00:21:50.019
Like if we were extricated from the tribe, it meant extinction.
482
00:21:50.240 --> 00:21:54.089
So take that now. forward into present time, it's the
483
00:21:54.130 --> 00:21:56.289
brain is kind of operating the same way. If I
484
00:21:56.329 --> 00:21:59.690
do something that is externally rejected, I'm going to be rejected.
485
00:21:59.769 --> 00:22:01.609
How am I going to survive? Because we have this
486
00:22:01.690 --> 00:22:05.099
need to belong. So it's this doing that dance of
487
00:22:05.500 --> 00:22:09.140
recognizing that it doesn't mean extinction, right? Like just because
488
00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:12.680
these a certain set of people don't accept me doesn't
489
00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:15.380
mean that maybe they're not my people. Maybe it's okay
490
00:22:15.420 --> 00:22:17.990
to expand out and to find people who are aligned
491
00:22:18.029 --> 00:22:20.750
with me. Versus I have to be accepted by this
492
00:22:21.089 --> 00:22:23.750
particular group. But that's where that external validation, I think,
493
00:22:23.809 --> 00:22:27.309
plays a role in that lack of self-trust because we're
494
00:22:27.329 --> 00:22:30.150
looking to be accepted and to belong.
495
00:22:30.990 --> 00:22:33.990
Yeah, I was talking to a friend yesterday and she
496
00:22:34.089 --> 00:22:37.230
was at an event and she was looking for feedback
497
00:22:37.299 --> 00:22:39.920
from them. And she's like, I just, I feel so
498
00:22:40.420 --> 00:22:43.640
like things are unfinished because I don't know how people
499
00:22:44.329 --> 00:22:45.789
received my offers.
500
00:22:46.109 --> 00:22:47.769
And, and I said, well, how do you think you did?
501
00:22:47.869 --> 00:22:50.130
Like, where, like, did you show up and did you
502
00:22:50.230 --> 00:22:52.839
try your best? And she's like, well, yeah, I think so.
503
00:22:52.980 --> 00:22:54.940
And she's like, but I still want to know what
504
00:22:54.980 --> 00:22:57.460
people think. And so I was asking her why she
505
00:22:57.480 --> 00:22:59.940
felt that way. And deep down, it was about trusting
506
00:22:59.980 --> 00:23:03.130
herself in that. I mean, I love feedback and we
507
00:23:03.150 --> 00:23:06.650
should get feedback, especially if we're doing a job, right?
508
00:23:06.710 --> 00:23:09.680
Like it helps to make us like maybe change stuff
509
00:23:09.720 --> 00:23:12.759
or enhance our skills when it comes to money. But ultimately,
510
00:23:12.839 --> 00:23:16.039
if we feel like we're enough and we trust ourselves,
511
00:23:16.380 --> 00:23:18.440
I really don't think anyone else's opinion matters.
512
00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:19.759
Yeah.
513
00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:21.849
And I'm saying that in a very nice way, like
514
00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:25.410
not disrespectfully, but we are happy with ourselves and.
515
00:23:25.390 --> 00:23:26.109
Why does it matter?
516
00:23:26.369 --> 00:23:28.769
Yeah, yeah. And to your point, I think it is
517
00:23:28.829 --> 00:23:31.650
about getting curious with that of wanting the feedback. It's like,
518
00:23:31.769 --> 00:23:34.289
it's almost the intention behind it. Like what's the purpose
519
00:23:34.309 --> 00:23:36.309
of the feedback? Is the feedback that I'm looking for
520
00:23:36.779 --> 00:23:40.140
to just help me understand what, well, where my, where
521
00:23:40.180 --> 00:23:42.180
my blind spots be, how can I continue to grow
522
00:23:42.200 --> 00:23:45.259
and evolve versus I'm looking for that feedback to know
523
00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:46.460
that I'm good enough.
524
00:23:47.380 --> 00:23:47.609
Yeah.
525
00:23:48.529 --> 00:23:51.089
And those are very two distinct reasons for feedback.
526
00:23:52.130 --> 00:23:53.190
Totally. Yeah.
527
00:23:53.390 --> 00:23:53.809
I love it.
528
00:23:53.849 --> 00:23:55.710
Going back to what you said earlier about getting to
529
00:23:55.730 --> 00:23:57.710
the root of it. Why are you acting that way?
530
00:23:58.049 --> 00:23:59.549
What are you actually looking for?
531
00:24:01.460 --> 00:24:03.430
Yeah. Because I mean, to your point, I mean, feedback
532
00:24:03.490 --> 00:24:06.549
is important. I think in anything, I mean, that we're doing,
533
00:24:06.569 --> 00:24:08.109
it does, it helps us grow.
534
00:24:08.150 --> 00:24:09.230
And that's what we want to do. We want to
535
00:24:09.269 --> 00:24:10.430
continue to grow and evolve.
536
00:24:10.890 --> 00:24:13.480
But again, if we're looking for it to prove worthiness,
537
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.619
that's the indication that this is what, let me do
538
00:24:17.660 --> 00:24:19.980
some work on how I see myself and how I'm
539
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.309
showing up and getting back to that connectedness of I
540
00:24:22.380 --> 00:24:24.970
am enough already as I am. I don't have to
541
00:24:25.009 --> 00:24:27.000
go out there and prove my worth?
542
00:24:27.240 --> 00:24:28.960
Yeah, 100%.
543
00:24:28.960 --> 00:24:33.339
So let's bring this into the workplace or for perfectionists.
544
00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:38.150
Let's talk about successful people because I feel like there's
545
00:24:38.210 --> 00:24:42.970
incredibly capable people out there, but they're still questioning themselves constantly.
546
00:24:43.349 --> 00:24:45.890
So why do those people even question themselves?
547
00:24:47.150 --> 00:24:49.880
I think a lot of those individuals who are either
548
00:24:49.890 --> 00:24:53.109
high achieving, but they still question their themselves, it comes
549
00:24:53.190 --> 00:24:54.869
back to that. I think most of us know it
550
00:24:54.930 --> 00:24:58.630
as imposter syndrome. It's somehow I got here by a fluke.
551
00:24:58.670 --> 00:24:59.500
I got lucky.
552
00:24:59.519 --> 00:25:02.180
I faked it long enough to get to this place.
553
00:25:02.420 --> 00:25:05.160
Or the other part of it is they push themselves
554
00:25:05.200 --> 00:25:07.079
harder and harder because they think that they're going to
555
00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:09.069
lose it. So I do think that that's what ends
556
00:25:09.119 --> 00:25:11.569
up happening with that questioning of self is did I
557
00:25:11.710 --> 00:25:15.009
actually get here because I'm deserving of it and that
558
00:25:15.049 --> 00:25:17.819
I've earned it? Or did this just happen because I
559
00:25:17.859 --> 00:25:19.619
happened to be at the right place at the right time?
560
00:25:19.740 --> 00:25:23.269
Or I somehow convinced somebody that I was capable of it,
561
00:25:23.269 --> 00:25:25.430
but I wasn't? And so, again, this is that inner
562
00:25:25.470 --> 00:25:28.789
work of, okay, no, the truth is I've actually put
563
00:25:28.829 --> 00:25:31.730
in the time. I've put in the effort. I've done
564
00:25:31.809 --> 00:25:35.390
the work in order to earn where I am. in
565
00:25:35.430 --> 00:25:36.269
the role that I have.
566
00:25:36.650 --> 00:25:40.869
Yeah. And so how does perfectionism and self-trust connect, do
567
00:25:40.910 --> 00:25:43.910
you think? I think that with perfectionism, there's this idea
568
00:25:43.950 --> 00:25:46.569
that it's never good enough. And so what ends up
569
00:25:46.589 --> 00:25:48.970
happening is no matter what we do, we don't think
570
00:25:49.009 --> 00:25:50.789
that we, there's always this like, well, I could have
571
00:25:50.809 --> 00:25:53.559
done this better. And so that connects to this lack
572
00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:57.559
of self-trust because there's this idea that I don't know
573
00:25:57.759 --> 00:26:01.599
like what good enough even is. And so it's about
574
00:26:01.680 --> 00:26:05.640
recognizing that The work really becomes getting to this place
575
00:26:05.839 --> 00:26:08.240
of looking at things and saying, okay, I've done X
576
00:26:08.740 --> 00:26:09.380
and X.
577
00:26:09.400 --> 00:26:10.890
Is good enough versus.
578
00:26:11.589 --> 00:26:14.559
allowing the perfectionist side, because there's two parts that are happening, right?
579
00:26:14.599 --> 00:26:16.680
And the perfectionist side wants to say, well, I could
580
00:26:16.700 --> 00:26:19.880
have done this better. Noticing that that's what's happening and
581
00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:22.980
then almost talking to that part and saying, well, okay,
582
00:26:23.119 --> 00:26:24.960
I see that you want to look at what could
583
00:26:24.980 --> 00:26:27.960
have been, what could have we done better, but also
584
00:26:28.019 --> 00:26:30.200
what did we accomplish, right? Because a lot of times
585
00:26:30.220 --> 00:26:32.099
with perfectionists, it's about next thing. It's like, well, I
586
00:26:32.140 --> 00:26:33.380
need to go to the next thing and I need
587
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:35.220
to go to the next thing. And so we don't
588
00:26:35.279 --> 00:26:37.380
even take that time to recognize where we've been or
589
00:26:37.740 --> 00:26:41.210
what ends up getting diminished as our self-trust because we're
590
00:26:41.259 --> 00:26:43.819
never actually doing any self-acknowledgement along the way.
591
00:26:44.039 --> 00:26:44.740
Yes, 100%.
592
00:26:44.740 --> 00:26:48.059
And then I guess the next question would be then
593
00:26:48.140 --> 00:26:53.240
why does accomplishment usually fail to fix insecurity or give
594
00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:57.119
a perfectionist any type of validation or, I don't know,
595
00:26:57.539 --> 00:26:59.660
like celebratory feelings at all?
596
00:26:59.680 --> 00:27:01.259
It's like, yes, I accomplished that. And then all of
597
00:27:01.279 --> 00:27:02.640
a sudden you came to what's next.
598
00:27:04.019 --> 00:27:06.579
Yeah, and I think it's because there's this idea that, well,
599
00:27:06.599 --> 00:27:07.819
that wasn't enough, right?
600
00:27:07.900 --> 00:27:08.940
Or I could have done it better.
601
00:27:08.960 --> 00:27:13.400
There's never this actual moment to say, okay, what went
602
00:27:13.460 --> 00:27:13.960
well there?
603
00:27:14.299 --> 00:27:16.079
And I am a perfectionist myself.
604
00:27:16.099 --> 00:27:18.269
So I do this routinely where it's like, even somebody
605
00:27:18.289 --> 00:27:20.789
gives you a compliment and it's just like, well, yeah,
606
00:27:20.869 --> 00:27:22.670
but I could have done X. And so it's catching
607
00:27:22.710 --> 00:27:25.250
that moment of the, but I could have done. And
608
00:27:25.289 --> 00:27:27.750
it's like, hold on, let me pause. Let me slow down.
609
00:27:27.950 --> 00:27:30.690
First of all, thank you for that compliment. Really actually
610
00:27:30.730 --> 00:27:33.579
saying thank you to the person and then recognizing, Well, yes,
611
00:27:33.619 --> 00:27:34.339
that did go well.
612
00:27:34.500 --> 00:27:35.460
And having a little bit.
613
00:27:35.359 --> 00:27:38.819
Of self-appreciation and self-gratitude, not in a selfish way, in
614
00:27:38.859 --> 00:27:41.480
a very selfful way. So we're actually starting to put
615
00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:46.000
into action and practice recognition of what we just accomplished
616
00:27:46.299 --> 00:27:49.029
versus constantly looking at, okay, well, we got to move
617
00:27:49.049 --> 00:27:51.049
on to the next thing. We got to one-up this.
618
00:27:51.509 --> 00:27:55.509
It's the idea of constantly moving the goalpost. It's like, nope, actually,
619
00:27:55.789 --> 00:27:58.529
I got my touchdown or field goal, right? I don't
620
00:27:58.549 --> 00:28:00.630
need to move the goalpost just yet. I can actually
621
00:28:00.670 --> 00:28:02.230
take a minute to be like, wow, this was good.
622
00:28:03.160 --> 00:28:04.900
Which was good. Yeah.
623
00:28:04.900 --> 00:28:05.079
1000%.
624
00:28:05.079 --> 00:28:05.599
I love that.
625
00:28:06.160 --> 00:28:09.400
It is hard sometimes though, especially if we are not like,
626
00:28:09.759 --> 00:28:12.000
I don't know. I know for me, I'm when it
627
00:28:12.039 --> 00:28:15.359
comes to things like monetary stuff, like if I make
628
00:28:15.519 --> 00:28:18.839
money that doesn't give me gratification. So I think it's
629
00:28:18.859 --> 00:28:23.099
like also learning to distinguish what gives us that gratification.
630
00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:26.900
Like how can I make myself feel good? And so
631
00:28:26.980 --> 00:28:30.380
for me, it's something like switching that to, okay, great.
632
00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:34.049
I made this money, but like, How did I help someone? Like,
633
00:28:34.109 --> 00:28:37.569
how did my actions help this person? And to me,
634
00:28:37.630 --> 00:28:40.089
that makes me feel good. So I think which brings
635
00:28:40.369 --> 00:28:43.250
me to the next section that I want to talk
636
00:28:43.289 --> 00:28:46.809
about is how the body knows and how our body
637
00:28:47.049 --> 00:28:50.230
gives us validation before our brain does. So do you
638
00:28:50.250 --> 00:28:53.750
think the bodies give us information before we've actually consciously
639
00:28:53.789 --> 00:28:54.519
figured something out?
640
00:28:55.529 --> 00:28:58.369
Yes, and I love that question because I think so
641
00:28:58.569 --> 00:29:02.349
often we get drawn to thinking our way through things
642
00:29:02.450 --> 00:29:05.539
and everything is very cognitive. I think our nervous system
643
00:29:05.730 --> 00:29:10.039
knows things well before it's reached our brain. And I
644
00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:13.359
say that routinely is our nervous system is responding first
645
00:29:13.420 --> 00:29:16.900
and foremost. And if we can actually pay attention to that.
646
00:29:17.180 --> 00:29:18.529
And I want to just say, like, I think right
647
00:29:18.549 --> 00:29:22.970
now the nervous system regulation is a very popular thing.
648
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:25.400
It's popular terminology, right?
649
00:29:25.460 --> 00:29:26.440
It's a very hot topic.
650
00:29:26.779 --> 00:29:28.980
And I just want to say, paying attention to your
651
00:29:29.000 --> 00:29:31.329
nervous system, when I say it, what I mean is
652
00:29:31.529 --> 00:29:32.589
our body knowing, right?
653
00:29:32.849 --> 00:29:35.069
What are the experiences.
654
00:29:34.450 --> 00:29:38.670
We've had, the messages we've received have been, they've been
655
00:29:38.750 --> 00:29:43.039
clocked within this. nervous system to mean something. And so
656
00:29:43.210 --> 00:29:46.720
our nervous system knows well before we even have thoughts
657
00:29:46.779 --> 00:29:49.519
about it. And we generally, if we do a body scan,
658
00:29:49.839 --> 00:29:53.059
we generally can pick up on something a lot quicker,
659
00:29:53.140 --> 00:29:55.420
just in a facilitation. And one of the things I
660
00:29:55.460 --> 00:29:58.359
was talking about was when you're in a meeting, just
661
00:29:58.420 --> 00:30:00.740
paying attention to just learning how to do a quick
662
00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:03.000
body scan and paying attention to like maybe where attention
663
00:30:03.059 --> 00:30:06.009
is in your body and when it shows up, that's
664
00:30:06.029 --> 00:30:09.049
your nervous system having a reaction to something. And that
665
00:30:09.109 --> 00:30:12.190
gives you so much more information than necessarily trying to
666
00:30:12.230 --> 00:30:15.309
cognitively get there because sometimes our brains need a second
667
00:30:15.329 --> 00:30:17.730
to catch up to what our body is already communicating
668
00:30:17.769 --> 00:30:18.000
to us.
669
00:30:18.250 --> 00:30:23.200
How do we tell the difference between like fear and anxiety?
670
00:30:23.259 --> 00:30:27.279
Like if something is actually wrong for us versus the
671
00:30:27.339 --> 00:30:28.700
underlying thing is fear.
672
00:30:29.839 --> 00:30:30.140
Hmm.
673
00:30:30.869 --> 00:30:32.549
Meaning, like, fear isn't survival?
674
00:30:34.220 --> 00:30:37.529
I guess like being around certain people I know can
675
00:30:37.789 --> 00:30:39.990
cause a reaction in my nervous system. And I know
676
00:30:40.049 --> 00:30:43.589
in the past, sometimes it's been because something about them
677
00:30:43.789 --> 00:30:46.630
is intimidating. It doesn't necessarily mean they're bad for me.
678
00:30:46.690 --> 00:30:48.730
It means that they're pushing me to become better. But
679
00:30:49.190 --> 00:30:53.589
other times in past relationships, it's been like, why don't I,
680
00:30:53.710 --> 00:30:55.930
why am I getting anxious before I see this person?
681
00:30:56.289 --> 00:30:59.789
Why do I feel uncomfortable when we're sitting next to
682
00:30:59.829 --> 00:31:02.009
each other? Like, and that was because it was a wrong,
683
00:31:02.210 --> 00:31:05.609
the wrong relationship for me. But how do we know that?
684
00:31:05.789 --> 00:31:06.150
Yeah.
685
00:31:06.190 --> 00:31:09.819
So the first thing that I would say is doing
686
00:31:09.859 --> 00:31:12.059
that body scan, right? So paying attention to it. And
687
00:31:12.359 --> 00:31:14.119
I really relate to what you're saying because I think
688
00:31:14.160 --> 00:31:16.670
what happens is, is if we're, our body tenses up,
689
00:31:16.680 --> 00:31:18.559
like for me, I'll just put this in myself in
690
00:31:18.599 --> 00:31:20.779
this situation. I know that I've had like my stomach,
691
00:31:20.859 --> 00:31:23.039
my stomach will tighten up when I'm around certain people.
692
00:31:23.319 --> 00:31:26.500
And to your point, it's not necessarily that person and
693
00:31:26.579 --> 00:31:30.440
they're not actually bad, but something about them brings up,
694
00:31:30.819 --> 00:31:33.720
a memory for my nervous system about that type of
695
00:31:33.900 --> 00:31:36.579
energy or the way that they're showing up. And the
696
00:31:36.640 --> 00:31:39.259
way through it is, this is when I say the
697
00:31:39.319 --> 00:31:43.119
pause and slowing down is so important. I acknowledge what
698
00:31:43.140 --> 00:31:45.960
my nervous system is doing, but before I choose to
699
00:31:46.000 --> 00:31:51.380
necessarily leave, leaning into curiosity, okay, what's happening for me? Okay,
700
00:31:51.400 --> 00:31:54.720
this person is reminding me of this feeling or this
701
00:31:54.829 --> 00:31:57.589
experience that I had. Now let me get curious with
702
00:31:57.630 --> 00:31:59.900
this person who's sitting in front of me And then
703
00:31:59.940 --> 00:32:02.289
I can make a discernment. Now I'm leaning into discernment.
704
00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:04.509
Do I need to actually pick up and leave or
705
00:32:04.549 --> 00:32:07.230
is this more my nervous system is just as regulated?
706
00:32:07.559 --> 00:32:10.720
I'm going to give myself a second to re-regulate and
707
00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:11.880
then engage with this person.
708
00:32:13.650 --> 00:32:16.470
Does that make sense? Yeah, that totally.
709
00:32:16.509 --> 00:32:16.710
Yeah.
710
00:32:16.750 --> 00:32:18.630
It's like, again, and going back to what you said
711
00:32:18.690 --> 00:32:21.180
earlier about figuring out the root of it. It's not
712
00:32:21.220 --> 00:32:24.339
necessarily the person. It's maybe a situation that happened with
713
00:32:24.359 --> 00:32:27.259
someone that looks like them or acts like them.
714
00:32:27.519 --> 00:32:28.339
Yeah, I know that.
715
00:32:28.240 --> 00:32:30.240
That does make so much sense. And do you think
716
00:32:30.299 --> 00:32:34.210
by acknowledging that and replaying that and like working through
717
00:32:34.230 --> 00:32:37.630
that can change the way we react to someone just
718
00:32:37.950 --> 00:32:41.470
because we're actually bringing up the, I guess, trauma?
719
00:32:42.940 --> 00:32:46.019
Yes, because what we're doing is we are not just
720
00:32:46.200 --> 00:32:50.930
stepping into awareness. We're stepping into non-shaming awareness. And then
721
00:32:50.970 --> 00:32:53.230
we're also giving ourselves permission to choose how we want
722
00:32:53.250 --> 00:32:55.990
to respond. And that's really the way through it because
723
00:32:56.029 --> 00:32:58.650
I think especially with things that when we are dealing
724
00:32:58.690 --> 00:33:02.259
with trauma, trauma doesn't know time, right? And it doesn't
725
00:33:02.299 --> 00:33:05.880
really know how to differentiate. And that's what I'm referring
726
00:33:05.900 --> 00:33:08.279
to with the nervous system. It's having a reaction to
727
00:33:08.319 --> 00:33:12.240
that person because it's a traumatic response. So by giving
728
00:33:12.299 --> 00:33:15.359
it space, not shaming it, getting curious with it, asking
729
00:33:15.380 --> 00:33:20.960
those questions, we can actually, it's kind of like reconfiguring
730
00:33:20.980 --> 00:33:24.099
the dance with that specific trauma and then making the
731
00:33:24.160 --> 00:33:26.759
discerning choice of, oh, this person actually isn't unsafe. It
732
00:33:26.779 --> 00:33:30.740
was just that these elements reminded my nervous system, but hey,
733
00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:34.039
I'm actually safe. Everything is fine. I don't have to
734
00:33:34.519 --> 00:33:35.599
leave this conversation.
735
00:33:35.859 --> 00:33:36.700
Yes, yes.
736
00:33:37.019 --> 00:33:39.579
And I guess sometimes it's important to note too that
737
00:33:39.619 --> 00:33:41.839
maybe we're just not ready to deal with that. Yeah.
738
00:33:41.960 --> 00:33:46.119
Like I know some people I avoid because they mirror
739
00:33:46.180 --> 00:33:47.940
something in me that I'm not ready to face yet.
740
00:33:48.140 --> 00:33:50.640
Which I think is an important thing to presence. And
741
00:33:50.660 --> 00:33:53.440
I love that you say that because that's a way
742
00:33:53.559 --> 00:33:58.079
to recognize and acknowledge yourself and do it in a
743
00:33:58.140 --> 00:34:01.539
really non-shaming way, which is I see it and I'm
744
00:34:01.579 --> 00:34:04.740
not at the place where I am ready to process that,
745
00:34:05.079 --> 00:34:07.589
but we're not shaming ourselves for it anymore. We're just
746
00:34:07.859 --> 00:34:10.760
We're acknowledging it's there and we give ourselves permission to
747
00:34:10.860 --> 00:34:13.469
revisit it when we're actually in a place where we
748
00:34:13.510 --> 00:34:15.300
have the capacity to deal with it.
749
00:34:15.530 --> 00:34:16.780
Totally. I love it.
750
00:34:16.989 --> 00:34:20.110
So how do we get ourselves back? So talk to
751
00:34:20.150 --> 00:34:22.500
the person out there that is thinking, oh my gosh,
752
00:34:22.579 --> 00:34:25.400
this is so me. I've lost all trust in myself.
753
00:34:25.739 --> 00:34:28.139
Where would you suggest they start to rebuild that?
754
00:34:28.300 --> 00:34:30.360
So this is going to sound kind of funny, but
755
00:34:30.579 --> 00:34:32.900
what I've actually leaned into with a lot of my
756
00:34:32.940 --> 00:34:35.900
clients is, and I know we've all heard journaling is
757
00:34:35.940 --> 00:34:38.449
a great tool, but a lot of people will say, Kamini,
758
00:34:38.469 --> 00:34:40.369
I don't have time to journal. But we have our
759
00:34:40.389 --> 00:34:42.909
phones basically in our pocket at all times. I have
760
00:34:43.010 --> 00:34:47.909
actually leaned into like video messaging yourself. where you actually
761
00:34:47.949 --> 00:34:51.889
start processing and going through your own experiences of a day.
762
00:34:52.360 --> 00:34:52.739
Why?
763
00:34:53.050 --> 00:34:56.380
Because a lot of us don't have the self-trust around
764
00:34:56.440 --> 00:34:57.659
what we've experienced.
765
00:34:57.739 --> 00:34:58.820
How do we build self-trust?
766
00:34:58.900 --> 00:35:02.199
It's about acknowledging for ourselves how we've experienced today and
767
00:35:02.239 --> 00:35:04.289
how we've processed it and what we feel about it.
768
00:35:04.659 --> 00:35:06.800
We're putting it into this video journal so we can
769
00:35:06.820 --> 00:35:09.409
go back and review it and see ourselves and become
770
00:35:09.469 --> 00:35:11.969
our own witness. And so what ends up happening is
771
00:35:12.369 --> 00:35:15.489
rebuilding that self-trust of, oh yeah, that did happen. I
772
00:35:15.530 --> 00:35:18.050
did feel that way. I did think about it that way.
773
00:35:18.409 --> 00:35:21.760
So you're becoming your own witness in a very, in
774
00:35:21.780 --> 00:35:23.889
a different way than just journaling things out on paper,
775
00:35:23.909 --> 00:35:25.920
which by the way, I fully believe in journaling, but
776
00:35:25.960 --> 00:35:29.179
it's a, it's a different mechanism to engage with because
777
00:35:29.199 --> 00:35:31.099
of what I've realized is that a lot of times
778
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:33.699
we do. I mean, I've said this earlier as humans,
779
00:35:33.719 --> 00:35:36.230
we need to be seen. Well, We can actually start
780
00:35:36.269 --> 00:35:38.909
seeing ourselves. We can start becoming our own witness. What
781
00:35:38.929 --> 00:35:41.030
do we do when we do that? We start building
782
00:35:41.429 --> 00:35:43.469
the ability to trust our own voice and our own
783
00:35:43.489 --> 00:35:44.000
thoughts again.
784
00:35:44.280 --> 00:35:47.860
Yes, that is, yeah, that's a great idea. I'm one
785
00:35:47.900 --> 00:35:50.090
of those that, I always say I'm going to journal,
786
00:35:50.110 --> 00:35:52.150
but I don't. But I do use like stuff like
787
00:35:52.230 --> 00:35:55.369
AI to document a situation or a day so I
788
00:35:55.409 --> 00:35:56.320
can go back to it.
789
00:35:56.610 --> 00:35:57.300
Because you're right.
790
00:35:57.469 --> 00:35:58.980
At the end of the day, we sit down and
791
00:35:59.000 --> 00:36:01.099
we're like, oh my gosh, I overreacted to.
792
00:36:01.079 --> 00:36:01.840
That so bad.
793
00:36:02.179 --> 00:36:04.719
And maybe we did, but maybe there's pieces of our
794
00:36:04.860 --> 00:36:08.099
reaction that need to be paid attention to, right? And
795
00:36:08.119 --> 00:36:11.559
going back to having that documented is so incredibly helpful.
796
00:36:11.760 --> 00:36:14.909
Do you think that we also need to just start
797
00:36:14.969 --> 00:36:19.610
like doing little decisions making without everyone else's opinion, like
798
00:36:19.710 --> 00:36:22.389
starting small, maybe like, would that be a good place
799
00:36:22.429 --> 00:36:23.110
to start as well?
800
00:36:24.730 --> 00:36:27.269
Absolutely. What am I going to have for dinner? Don't
801
00:36:27.349 --> 00:36:30.909
ask anyone, just make it. Just make it. Exactly. Exactly.
802
00:36:31.309 --> 00:36:31.769
I do that.
803
00:36:31.909 --> 00:36:33.489
I mean, I say that routinely with my clients is
804
00:36:33.550 --> 00:36:37.429
start with small decisions that don't seem like there's huge repercussions, right?
805
00:36:37.449 --> 00:36:39.460
So dinner is a great one. Or if we're going
806
00:36:39.480 --> 00:36:42.130
to have family movie night, just pick the movie. We're
807
00:36:42.150 --> 00:36:45.489
going to watch this today. It's just where do we have,
808
00:36:45.570 --> 00:36:47.920
it's a form of exposure therapy when we think about it,
809
00:36:47.940 --> 00:36:50.360
but it's the what doesn't feel super scary on a
810
00:36:50.400 --> 00:36:52.800
scale of one to 10, what's a one, and just
811
00:36:52.840 --> 00:36:54.920
making the decision there and then work your way up
812
00:36:55.000 --> 00:36:56.579
to the ones that maybe.
813
00:36:56.539 --> 00:37:02.480
Were much scarier. Yeah. So start with the little ones. Definitely.
814
00:37:03.940 --> 00:37:07.599
What about boundaries? How do boundaries play a role in
815
00:37:07.820 --> 00:37:09.840
rebuilding self-worth? trust?
816
00:37:10.099 --> 00:37:13.079
I think boundaries are definitely a component of it because
817
00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:15.880
when we think about the, when we think about having
818
00:37:15.940 --> 00:37:19.300
porous boundaries or really just suggestions, this is how I
819
00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:22.150
refer to them, it's because we don't fully trust that
820
00:37:22.170 --> 00:37:24.889
what we're saying is okay or that it's actually okay
821
00:37:24.929 --> 00:37:27.590
for us to say, this works for me, this doesn't.
822
00:37:28.090 --> 00:37:31.269
And so even working on setting boundaries and really paying
823
00:37:31.289 --> 00:37:34.710
attention to starting with yourself first, like what works for me,
824
00:37:35.289 --> 00:37:37.610
if we're thinking about boundaries in a relationship, what works
825
00:37:37.630 --> 00:37:39.530
for me in this relationship, what doesn't work for me
826
00:37:39.550 --> 00:37:42.489
in this relationship, getting clear for yourself, that's step one.
827
00:37:42.530 --> 00:37:45.280
And then two is actually communicating it to the other person.
828
00:37:45.480 --> 00:37:48.739
That'd be the second part of that. That correlates directly
829
00:37:48.760 --> 00:37:51.019
to self-trust because what we're saying there is I trust
830
00:37:51.039 --> 00:37:53.420
myself to know what works for me and what doesn't
831
00:37:53.440 --> 00:37:53.920
work for me.
832
00:37:54.159 --> 00:37:57.800
Right. And then When we start making those decisions and
833
00:37:57.960 --> 00:38:00.320
that feeling of guilt or shame comes up, how do
834
00:38:00.360 --> 00:38:01.199
we manage that?
835
00:38:01.420 --> 00:38:05.150
I always go back to acknowledging that that's what's coming up, right?
836
00:38:06.150 --> 00:38:07.849
What am I telling myself right now? The story I'm
837
00:38:07.869 --> 00:38:10.289
telling myself is that there's something wrong with me.
838
00:38:10.469 --> 00:38:10.989
That's shame.
839
00:38:11.550 --> 00:38:14.809
Or guilt would say, I've done something wrong. And then
840
00:38:15.070 --> 00:38:18.130
challenge it. Okay, if I've done something wrong, what is
841
00:38:18.190 --> 00:38:22.280
it that I need to apologize here? What did I
842
00:38:22.360 --> 00:38:24.280
do here that I feel like I need to apologize for?
843
00:38:24.650 --> 00:38:27.489
Because if the answer becomes, I need to apologize for
844
00:38:27.530 --> 00:38:29.449
letting this person know what works for me and what
845
00:38:29.489 --> 00:38:31.599
doesn't work for me, we can sit in that and say,
846
00:38:31.800 --> 00:38:33.619
would we ask them to do the same thing? Would
847
00:38:33.639 --> 00:38:36.059
we ask them to apologize to me for letting me know?
848
00:38:36.400 --> 00:38:38.599
And the answer most often than not is no, I
849
00:38:38.639 --> 00:38:43.019
would not. So again, it's a lot of self-talk, but
850
00:38:43.059 --> 00:38:45.590
it's a lot of curiosity. I always go back to curiosity.
851
00:38:45.630 --> 00:38:48.510
I feel like curiosity is the sixth love language.
852
00:38:48.809 --> 00:38:50.690
Yeah, no, that makes total sense.
853
00:38:50.769 --> 00:38:54.000
Like, yeah, like I'm thinking of a, I don't know
854
00:38:54.119 --> 00:38:57.579
an example maybe maybe you made plans with someone in
855
00:38:57.619 --> 00:39:00.199
the office at a workplace to go for lunch but
856
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:02.539
you get to the office and you're just having a
857
00:39:02.579 --> 00:39:04.579
day and you don't feel like being around people but
858
00:39:04.619 --> 00:39:06.559
you're like oh no I already promised this person I'd
859
00:39:06.579 --> 00:39:08.760
go for lunch but you don't want to you end
860
00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:12.340
up going and you're just your nervous system doesn't feel
861
00:39:12.389 --> 00:39:15.469
right but instead you tell them you can't go and
862
00:39:15.489 --> 00:39:18.010
then you feel bad all day because you feel like
863
00:39:18.030 --> 00:39:20.630
you let them down like I know people go through
864
00:39:20.670 --> 00:39:23.579
that type of situation all the time, right? Because we
865
00:39:23.599 --> 00:39:26.059
always think that we're going to ruin someone else's day
866
00:39:26.119 --> 00:39:28.650
or make it difficult for them, right? Yeah.
867
00:39:29.050 --> 00:39:31.960
Yeah. And part of it is working up to say
868
00:39:31.980 --> 00:39:34.500
to them, actually owning it and saying, I know I
869
00:39:34.539 --> 00:39:35.739
committed to going to lunch.
870
00:39:35.920 --> 00:39:37.039
I'm really having a day.
871
00:39:37.059 --> 00:39:40.480
I wouldn't be the best company or whatever we need
872
00:39:40.500 --> 00:39:42.820
to say, but we're owning it. We're being upfront with them.
873
00:39:43.159 --> 00:39:45.510
Then we really don't have anything to feel guilty about
874
00:39:45.530 --> 00:39:48.010
because we've actually given them context.
875
00:39:47.829 --> 00:39:49.789
Of, and it's not over explaining.
876
00:39:50.210 --> 00:39:52.469
It's just, it's giving them a little bit of context
877
00:39:52.489 --> 00:39:54.960
because I know that I tend to over explain and
878
00:39:55.000 --> 00:39:56.760
I've been working on that myself is I don't need
879
00:39:56.780 --> 00:39:59.440
to give 8,000 reasons as to why I'm making a decision.
880
00:39:59.579 --> 00:40:03.639
Another element of self-trust is we don't have to give 8,000 reasons. However,
881
00:40:03.739 --> 00:40:05.659
sometimes just giving a little bit of context, like I
882
00:40:05.760 --> 00:40:08.559
know self-responsibility. I know I said I'd go to lunch
883
00:40:08.619 --> 00:40:11.400
today and I really wanted to, and I just, I
884
00:40:11.539 --> 00:40:12.659
got to work and I'm having a day.
885
00:40:13.059 --> 00:40:13.739
Let's reschedule.
886
00:40:14.019 --> 00:40:16.849
Now we're leaning into what our nervous system is telling us.
887
00:40:16.880 --> 00:40:20.699
We're respecting our boundary. We're respecting where we are. And
888
00:40:20.739 --> 00:40:24.280
we're also communicating with authenticity with the person that we
889
00:40:24.300 --> 00:40:25.679
said we were going to get lunch with.
890
00:40:25.940 --> 00:40:27.920
What if we're the person on the other side? How
891
00:40:27.940 --> 00:40:30.469
do we learn how to not take that personally? What
892
00:40:30.489 --> 00:40:33.420
if we do get like the... I have to cancel today.
893
00:40:33.519 --> 00:40:35.090
Sorry. Or something like that.
894
00:40:35.730 --> 00:40:39.250
I mean, I tend to, I really trained myself now
895
00:40:39.369 --> 00:40:41.710
to not over explain because I was the queen of it.
896
00:40:41.769 --> 00:40:43.989
Like I would tell everybody because I felt so guilty
897
00:40:44.030 --> 00:40:46.179
and bad. And now I'm like, I can't do this today.
898
00:40:46.239 --> 00:40:47.380
I'm sorry. I have to cancel.
899
00:40:47.480 --> 00:40:50.320
But sometimes people like take that the wrong way because
900
00:40:50.340 --> 00:40:51.610
they personalize it.
901
00:40:51.679 --> 00:40:54.900
So how do you separate that? Yeah, I think it's twofold.
902
00:40:55.079 --> 00:40:58.199
One is, your own self-work is recognizing, oh, I'm doing
903
00:40:58.219 --> 00:41:00.159
the thing where I'm making this something about me.
904
00:41:00.469 --> 00:41:01.170
What's true here?
905
00:41:01.489 --> 00:41:04.829
I actually don't know. I'm really just assuming it. And
906
00:41:04.869 --> 00:41:06.869
then if it's somebody close to us, we can actually
907
00:41:06.949 --> 00:41:09.250
just check in with them. Is everything okay? But it
908
00:41:09.289 --> 00:41:12.190
depends on the context of that relationship. But I would say,
909
00:41:12.210 --> 00:41:16.650
I have been on the receiving end of the quick, hey,
910
00:41:16.690 --> 00:41:19.239
I can't do this. And I know that I immediately
911
00:41:19.260 --> 00:41:23.960
was like, oh my gosh, did I.
912
00:41:23.920 --> 00:41:25.099
Like offend them somehow?
913
00:41:25.179 --> 00:41:28.690
And it's like, wait, no, I'm making an assumption. And really,
914
00:41:28.889 --> 00:41:31.750
I don't know, like, so many things could be the reason.
915
00:41:31.769 --> 00:41:35.409
And unless they communicate that it was me, I'm gonna.
916
00:41:35.250 --> 00:41:36.150
Let it go, right?
917
00:41:36.170 --> 00:41:38.449
Because then, then if it was, and I can, I
918
00:41:38.469 --> 00:41:40.849
can figure out what needs to be repaired, right? But otherwise,
919
00:41:40.929 --> 00:41:43.710
I'm getting the overthinking mind just jumping to conclusions.
920
00:41:44.679 --> 00:41:47.679
Yes, yes, that makes sense. It's the theme for today,
921
00:41:47.719 --> 00:41:48.159
for sure.
922
00:41:48.219 --> 00:41:50.980
It's learning to listen to ourselves and think things through
923
00:41:51.039 --> 00:41:53.940
and see where the roots of the reaction is coming from.
924
00:41:53.980 --> 00:41:57.139
So man, this has been such a great conversation. The
925
00:41:57.159 --> 00:41:59.690
time has just flown by. I would love for you
926
00:41:59.730 --> 00:42:03.130
to tell the audience more about what you do and
927
00:42:03.170 --> 00:42:05.070
where they can find more information about that.
928
00:42:06.260 --> 00:42:09.579
Yeah, so I work with people one-to-one on understanding these things.
929
00:42:09.599 --> 00:42:11.960
I call them pressure patterns or survival patterns of what
930
00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:16.320
lead us to things like overthinking and over-explaining and people-pleasing.
931
00:42:16.659 --> 00:42:19.239
And then with that understanding, what do we want to do?
932
00:42:19.280 --> 00:42:21.250
What do we want to change in order to live
933
00:42:21.289 --> 00:42:23.530
the life that you want, whether it's professionally or personally?
934
00:42:23.969 --> 00:42:27.489
I'm on the web at comedywood.com. Also on Instagram and
935
00:42:27.510 --> 00:42:29.409
Facebook with the handle It's Authentic Me.
936
00:42:29.650 --> 00:42:30.750
Amazing, amazing.
937
00:42:31.130 --> 00:42:34.030
Well, it's been great seeing you. Like I said earlier,
938
00:42:34.050 --> 00:42:36.719
I can't believe how quick our summer went by. It's
939
00:42:36.760 --> 00:42:40.050
good to be back and chatting with you. Like I said,
940
00:42:40.110 --> 00:42:43.070
today's conversation was really impactful and I think a lot
941
00:42:43.110 --> 00:42:45.070
of people will be able to relate to that. I
942
00:42:45.130 --> 00:42:49.210
know it's a constant learning experience for myself. And yeah,
943
00:42:49.329 --> 00:42:51.280
do you have any last minute thoughts on the topic today?
944
00:42:52.340 --> 00:42:54.260
Not on the topic. I just want to say thank you.
945
00:42:54.460 --> 00:42:56.500
Thank you because I've missed you. So it's good to
946
00:42:56.519 --> 00:42:57.119
be here with you.
947
00:42:57.539 --> 00:43:00.219
That's sweet. We've missed you too so much. So yeah,
948
00:43:00.239 --> 00:43:02.119
thank you so much for showing up today and for
949
00:43:02.360 --> 00:43:05.150
giving the audience a lot to think about. And in
950
00:43:05.170 --> 00:43:08.690
a positive way, then they can work towards trusting themselves more. Yes,
951
00:43:08.829 --> 00:43:12.780
that's the foundational piece, right? The relationship with self. The
952
00:43:12.840 --> 00:43:16.480
one relationship we can't get away from. Yes, the most
953
00:43:16.539 --> 00:43:19.570
important one, for sure. So we've got to stop outsourcing
954
00:43:19.630 --> 00:43:22.650
our power. Amazing. And I also want to say a
955
00:43:22.670 --> 00:43:24.989
big thank you to our audience for tuning in. So
956
00:43:25.070 --> 00:43:28.699
maybe it's time that you stop asking other people's opinions
957
00:43:28.820 --> 00:43:32.579
and stop looking for signs. And maybe the next chapter
958
00:43:32.780 --> 00:43:34.659
of your life will start when you finally listen to
959
00:43:34.679 --> 00:43:39.440
the person you've been ignoring, which is usually yourself. So Kalmani, again,
960
00:43:39.460 --> 00:43:42.039
I want to thank you for such an incredible conversation.
961
00:43:42.260 --> 00:43:44.889
And for everyone listening, if you want to learn more
962
00:43:45.030 --> 00:43:49.929
about Kalmani, her coaching, and the work she does around self-worth, confidence, relationships,
963
00:43:50.150 --> 00:43:55.289
and becoming your authentic self, visit kalmaniwood.com. And we're going
964
00:43:55.309 --> 00:43:57.929
to link that in the show notes so you can
965
00:43:57.969 --> 00:44:00.599
have easy access to it. And if you feel like
966
00:44:00.619 --> 00:44:03.719
this episode could benefit someone you know, or if it
967
00:44:03.760 --> 00:44:06.099
resonated with you and you want it to send it
968
00:44:06.119 --> 00:44:08.340
to someone else, please do so because we could all
969
00:44:08.510 --> 00:44:10.369
use a little more self-trust in our lives.
970
00:44:10.710 --> 00:44:12.250
Thanks, everyone. Bye for now.