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"Getting Cheated On Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" - Michelle Seydel

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This episode dives deep into the emotional aftermath of being cheated on and what it really takes to rebuild your sense of self, standards, and relationships. Michelle Seydel shares a raw, unfiltered story of discovering infidelity in the middle of a family trip and making a decisive exit without looking back. What follows isn’t just heartbreak... it’s a complete mindset shift.

At the core of this conversation is a powerful reframe: being cheated on isn’t the end. It’s often the wake-up call. Michelle breaks down why betrayal is rarely about you and almost always about the other person’s unresolved issues, low self-worth, or addiction patterns. The discussion explores how gut instincts, subtle behavioral changes, and “guilt gifts” can signal deeper dishonesty long before proof appears.

The episode doesn’t romanticize closure. Instead, it challenges the idea that you need it at all. Sometimes the way someone leaves, lies, or fails to fight for you is the closure. The real work begins afterward... rebuilding self-worth, detaching from the fantasy of who you thought they were, and confronting the patterns that led you there in the first place.

Michelle opens up about dating after betrayal, including a second relationship built on deception that reinforced a key lesson: consistency and truth matter more than grand gestures. The conversation highlights how being hurt can sharpen your standards, if you let it.

Sobriety becomes another unexpected turning point. Removing alcohol brought clarity, better emotional regulation, and more intentional dating choices. The episode explores how alcohol can mask incompatibility and lead to poor partner selection, while sobriety forces you to connect more authentically.

Key themes throughout include:

  •  Why staying after cheating often leads to long-term anxiety and mistrust 
  •  The danger of idealizing partners and ignoring red flags 
  •  How self-awareness determines who you attract 
  •  Why loneliness is better than misalignment 
  •  The illusion of being “replaced” and why it’s rooted in insecurity 
  •  Letting go of the need to fix or save people 
  •  Choosing partners who actively improve your life 

Ultimately, this episode is about radical self-respect. It argues that the moment you truly believe you deserve better, your dating life and your tolerance for dysfunction changes completely.

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That's grow therapy.com slash headcase.
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Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.
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Welcome back to Headcase.
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I'm Stephanie Hoffman.
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This season, we're getting real about the messiest parts of being human.
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Let's dive in.
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Hi everyone.
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Welcome back to Headcase.
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This episode, we have a very special guest, my good friend, Michelle Seidel.
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She's a content creator located in LA.
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We've been through a lot of ups and downs with relationships.
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So welcome, Michelle.
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Thanks.
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It's crazy too because when you were living here, I remember we did like a mock episode of this.
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And I just feel like so much of your opinions on the topic have kind of changed since then.
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So I'm like really excited to kind of hear what your stance is now.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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I mean, we did this whole mock-up episode, and Michelle is actually the one who was like, you should do your podcast on relationships this season and talk about getting cheated on and making up and being in a healthy relationship after that, which obviously things have changed.
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My trailer episode is different.
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I don't live in LA anymore.
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Um, a lot has happened, but so and Michelle has some great advice and you know you you have been through a lot yourself in the past two relationships you were in.
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So can you tell me a little bit about that first relationship and what you went through?
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Yeah, for sure.
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I mean, first off, I want to say if you have just been cheated on and you're listening to this because you're looking for some kind of guidance on what to do, I just want to say, congratulations because this was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.
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Um, the man who cheated on me, I want to say, I mean, it was in my late 20s.
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It was during the time of my Saturn return, if you know astrology, but um he was a major lesson for me.
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Um, he he just sucked.
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Like, I don't know how else to say it, but um it he did me the biggest favor because I think about what my life would have been if he hadn't have done that.
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And it just like completely changed my perspective.
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Basically, my situation was I had been in a relationship with a guy for about a year.
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Um, and I found out at you know, 3, 4 a.m.
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that he had been cheating on me with his girl best friend.
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Um, and it's actually funny because of the way that I left, he actually has no, no one in his family probably has any idea what happened.
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Like if they're listening to this, it's gonna be the first time any of them actually find out what happened and how I found out.
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Um basically I just had a gut feeling.
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Like he started acting super weird.
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Um, and two, like I have a saying, it says nothing says guilty like a random present.
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So if all of a sudden a man starts doing the things for you that you've always wanted him to do out of the blue, just now it's not, it's not random.
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Like he feels guilty about something.
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He's he didn't just wake up and get you the present you've been asking for.
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He did something.
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You just figure out what it is.
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And if you have a gut feeling, do not ignore that.
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Um, but yeah, I just remember I had a strong gut feeling for weeks that he was lying to me, that something was off.
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Um, and he had changed his phone password before I had known his phone password, but I had just not gone through it.
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Cause I was like, I just trust him.
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And then when I started not trusting him and I went to look, I was like, oh, he's changed it.
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That's not good.
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Um, and yeah, there was one night I just had a horrible feeling, horrible feeling.
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And we were literally on like a family reunion trip up in upstate New York, like worst worst place to find out.
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Um, and I remember his whole family was like, Are you okay?
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Like, you seem off.
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And I was like, Yeah, I just like I'm feeling super weird.
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I don't know.
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I'm just not gonna drink tonight.
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And he did the opposite.
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He was getting wasted all of the time because his anxiety was through the roof.
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He was like living double lives, like you could just tell something was going on with him.
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Um but yeah, I didn't drink and he ended up going out to the bar with his cousins.
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And I went home and I went to sleep.
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And when he came home, he was wasted, absolutely wasted, and he fell asleep watching a TV show on his phone.
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And I woke up and I looked over and he's passed out, and I plucked his phone out of his hand, and I was going through all the girls.
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I thought it may be I was in his Instagram, all these things, because I just never suspected it was this girl for just so many reasons I won't name.
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But um, but yeah, all I saw was him trying to cheat and like getting rejected, which was like almost worse than him cheating.
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I was like, wow, like no one wants to hook up with this man.
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Like he's like trying to cheat on me and no one wants to.
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Um, and then I was like, let me go through his girl best friend's text and see if maybe he said something to her.
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And that's when I started seeing text about them like to meet up.
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Hey, you're out of toothpaste.
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Like on all of the nights where I didn't spend the night there.
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He had like canceled um going to my cousin's wedding a week before and said it was he blamed his dog.
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And it was actually so he could drive up to a wedding she was at in Richmond.
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We were in Atlanta at the time, um, and hook up with her at a hotel, like on the way.
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And then he picked me up from the airport the next day.
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Um, yeah, no, he was a real treat.
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But what I did was I didn't take any screenshots.
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I was like, I don't care who believes me about this, I genuinely don't care.
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I I had seen what I needed to see, and I just saw and I was like, there's no world where I forgive him or we have a normal relationship after this.
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Like I've I'd kind of been through it before.
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I dated a hockey player before, and we definitely had some cheating scares.
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Um, and so I was just like, I know what the relationship's gonna be, and I want no part of it.
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And I just remember being like, I don't need one scrap of proof.
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Like, I don't need to take one screenshot.
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I never want to see this conversation ever again in my life.
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Right.
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And I yeah, I closed the phone and I threw it on the bed and I I woke him up, turned on the lights, and I said, Hey, I know about your mistress.
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Do you have anything to say?
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I'm leaving.
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And this man was so, so wasted.
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He could barely like sit up, look me in the eye.
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And he was just like, guess we're fucked up.
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And I was like, Okay, I'm gonna go now.
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Yeah, so I packed up all my stuff and I literally left.
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I I it was four o'clock in the morning.
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I was at his grandparents' house in upstate New York.
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His grandparents had a gravel driveway.
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My suitcases were 70 pounds, and I'm dragging them across the gravel, get in the Uber, call my mom, just cried all the way to my friend's house in New Jersey.
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Luckily, my friend was like awake and I went to her place.
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And then next morning he had the audacity to text me, Hey, did I have a weird dream or did you leave?
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And I was like, You gotta be kidding me.
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But I mean didn't even remember.
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Didn't even remember.
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And I remember I didn't respond.
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He's like, Hey, did you go into the city?
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And I was like, Are you safe?
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And so I just was like, I'm just gonna let him know I'm safe.
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I don't need him like causing a whole thing, like texting my family, my friends.
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And I just said, you know, I'm safe.
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I know about you, you in blank.
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And he was like, nothing happened, but like glad you're okay.
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I was like, listen, babe, I've seen all the text messages, I know.
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And he tried to tell me, like, nothing happened when we were together, all this stuff.
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He was claiming that we like had broken up at some point, and like he was just like grabbing for anything.
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And then he said, But sounds like you have your mind made up and this is wrapped.
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I'll never forget that was the last thing he said to me.
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Because I was like, you know what?
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I'm actually gonna let that be the last thing you ever say to me in my entire life.
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Because, like, what an insane thing to say after you've been cheating on somebody for six weeks.
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And I blocked him on everything, and yeah, I ran into him nine months later at the gym, and he was like, What are you what are you doing here, girl?
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Like he looked at me like we were best friends, and I was like, That's crazy.
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Um, other than that, we never talked again.
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I let him keep all the stuff that was at his apartment.
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I probably had like over a thousand dollars worth of skincare and clothes and everything.
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I just caught it a loss.
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I was like, keep it.
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I don't want anything from you ever again.
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Yeah, sometimes it's just not worth it.
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You just have to take the L in that case.
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But I think that last text he sent you, I still think about it.
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Yeah, him saying this is wrapped.
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I couldn't think of a crazier ending to a relationship.
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I mean, you don't even get closure.
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So what how did you feel after that?
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I know you and I have like a really great sense of humor when it comes to getting heartbroken or traumatic experiences, but it obviously has to eat away at you at some point.
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Oh, yeah.
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After luckily, I was like my my cousins have a place in New York and they were up in the Hamptons.
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It's extremely, extremely fortunate because I was like, I can't go back to Atlanta right now.
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I feel I was like, I need to just deal with this somewhere else.
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It's incredibly hurtful because it's not like too like he was really distant.
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Like the week before I found out he was cheating, he like introduced me to a pastor at his grandparents' house, and he's like, This is the pastor I want to marry us.
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Like, it's not like he was, you know, saying, Oh, we're having problems.
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Like he was digging himself in a deeper hole, like trying to get more serious.
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And we were talking about moving in with each other.
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So I think like there was a lot of me that like had to mourn, I think, what was almost promised to me or what I thought was going to be more than like the person.
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Also, too, like he was my best friend in a lot of ways.
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I was in New York and I remember I was walking like 20, 25 miles a day.
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I was listening to podcasts about people that had been cheated on and just trying to understand how someone I loved could have done this to me.
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Because I was just like, this person was my best friend.
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This person was telling me this, he was doing this.
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Like, how did I not see this?
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Like, yeah.
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And it's just kind of realizing that it had nothing to do with me.
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I mean, I was reading books, like I was just like doing anything to just be like, this had nothing to do with me because my self-worth was like in the garbage at that point.
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Because like when we would get in arguments, he would try to convince me I was this person I wasn't.
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Like he would try to convince me I was saying things I wasn't saying, doing things I wasn't doing to our, I was starting to feel crazy.
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Like I was when I think back to the person I was, I mean, I felt like the stump from the giving tree.
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I just felt like I was giving so much to try to make the relationship work.
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And it just was never enough.
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He just kept taking and taking and taking.
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So I also too, like one of my friends is kind of dealing with a breakup right now with an addict.
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And unfortunately, my ex that cheated on me was an addict.
00:10:56.960 --> 00:11:01.360
And I think there is something to say about somebody, especially functioning addicts.
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Like cheating is very common with people who struggle with addiction.
00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:08.720
And my ex that cheated on me was a nicotine addict, an alcoholic.
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Like in so many ways, he was a functioning alcoholic and all of these things.
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Um, and I think cheating just kind of goes hand in hand.
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But I think, like, with addiction, it's so closely tied to narcissism.
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I remember a therapist at the time, uh, because I was calling him a narcissist, and she was like, babe, he's just an addict.
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She was like, the traits of narcissism and the traits of addiction are just so closely tied, it's just a dopamine thing.
00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:38.399
But I don't even remember what's going off about why that was relevant.
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Um, and it just has nothing to do with you, and that's so true.
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I I mean, after I was cheated on, I I went through the same thing.
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And I think when you're broken up with and you don't know why, and you find out why, if it like in my scenario, finding out it was cheating almost was more of a relief because you it gives you an answer that it's not really about you.
00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:05.679
And I know everyone takes takes it differently.
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I mean, obviously it you're like, what did I do?
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Am I not enough?
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:13.519
Why would he be interested in someone else?
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But if you really read those books and listen to people's stories, it really rarely has anything to do with the other person.
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It's always about the person who cheated and their lack of self-worth and their their inability to amount to the person that they said they were when you started teaching.
00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:39.600
No, because a healthy person would just say, Hey, I'm not feeling XYZ in this relationship.
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I need this from you.
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Um, and kind of as I get older, and the more I know myself and the more I understand what I deserve, the more I realize I'm not gonna stay in situations I'm not happy.
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So if somebody's not giving me what I want, I'm not gonna stay in the relationship and cheat on them.
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I'm gonna go find somebody else that can give me those things.
00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:02.720
Um, and unfortunately, when somebody cheats, it's really tough.
00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:06.559
Like I dealt with this in my, I guess, second serious relationship.
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I did it a hockey player for a long time and he would be long distance away at games and you know, away in a different city for the whole season.
00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:19.759
Um, and you know, we had a lot of, I guess, emotional cheating, maybe scares and you know, probably physical.
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I just never found out about it.
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But I will say, like, after the first time it happens and you decide to stay with them, you have like this constant anxiety every time they don't answer your text messages, every time you don't know every like where they are, every time something's not adding up.
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Oh my God, they did this to me again.
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Even if they haven't, it's just like this constant anxiety that it's just not worth it.
00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:49.679
So for me, everyone, like I get cheating is really complex, like especially in situations where maybe it was like they got wasted and made a bad decision.
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Do I throw away the whole relationship kind of thing?
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Like a one-time thing.
00:13:53.840 --> 00:14:00.480
Yeah, but unfortunately, it's just that thought never goes away of like, are they gonna do it again?
00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:00.960
Right.
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:11.440
And I think like if I've learned anything in my, you know, 34 years, it's that every single time I've dated somebody, they've been better than the last person I dated in some way.
00:14:11.679 --> 00:14:11.840
Yeah.
00:14:12.080 --> 00:14:14.159
So it's just why right, yeah.
00:14:14.240 --> 00:14:17.440
It's just know yourself more and you know what you want and you don't want.
00:14:17.600 --> 00:14:20.480
So you don't look for that in your next partner.
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:25.200
So it's just why would you stay in a relationship where you're gonna be anxious when you can just go meet somebody else?
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:27.919
Unfortunately, people are replaceable.
00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:29.200
Like, yeah, yeah.
00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:31.120
Like that, like everyone's unique.
00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:36.080
Yes, you're not gonna date that person again, but there's so many things where it's like, thank God, you're not gonna date that person again.
00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:36.320
Right.
00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:36.799
You know?
00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:37.360
Yeah.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:15:04.320
I think if you're in a relationship with someone and you obviously it's there's gray areas to the cheating and betrayals and stuff, but I think if you are giving that person a second chance, you have to do it completely free of any doubt and mistrust and harboring any ill feelings towards them because if you do, then that's just not a relationship.
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:11.519
You're not gonna you're not gonna grow, you're just gonna stick stay in the past, and that is such a hard thing to do.
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:20.159
That's something that's even I I thought I was completely okay with that in my relationship.
00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:32.559
And looking back, I think I was just numb, and that numbness was like a different way of dealing with it that I thought it was like I was like, maybe I just don't care that much.
00:15:32.799 --> 00:15:33.120
Yeah.
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:38.879
Um yeah, and like unfortunately, it's one of those things where it's like cheating is like a self-worth issue.
00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:48.559
A lot of times, yes, it is a mistake, but at the same time, you know, you've gone out and you've drank too much before, and you you weren't like, I'm gonna cheat on this person that I love, you know.
00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:52.240
I think in very, very rare cases it is just an accident.
00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:53.679
I got too messed up thing.
00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:55.679
But I will say, like, because I hate to be black and white.
00:15:55.759 --> 00:15:58.320
I really do, I really try to be open-minded about stuff.
00:15:59.039 --> 00:16:13.519
I don't want to say all because I don't want to like scare people or whatever, but I I genuinely think in every situation in my personal life that I know of people personally that have been cheated on, they've gotten cheated on when they've gotten back with their partner again.
00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:15.200
I know that's not every situation.
00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:26.320
I know there's exceptions, all these things, but like, unless your partner comes to you and is like, I realize that this was something having to do with me and my own self-worth, and I'm gonna go to therapy and I'm gonna fix this issue.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:28.080
Like, you need to move on.
00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:36.720
Do not waste your time because it's just so much has to do with the other person and how they feel about themselves, how they probably don't feel worthy of being with somebody like you.
00:16:36.960 --> 00:16:39.039
And it's probably true, you know.
00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:44.240
I think like me being cheated on, I took a really good look at myself.
00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:48.639
I put all my energy into like being like, why did I attract somebody like this?
00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:51.200
How did I let them get me into this place?
00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:56.399
And I I spent over a year just single and I was on a really good routine.
00:16:56.480 --> 00:17:07.920
I would wake up, I would gratitude journal, I had a success journal where I had my goals, and then I had a journal where I just wrote and talked about, you know, everything that was going on in my life and the journaling and the self-reflection.
00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:12.720
I just completely rewired my mindset of like looking on the bright side of things.
00:17:12.880 --> 00:17:14.160
I think that's really important.
00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:29.599
Um, and yeah, I think my biggest takeaway and regret when I think about healing from that situation is I gave him so many allowances of like, oh, he's an addict or he has trauma, like he feels bad.
00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:31.839
He doesn't know how to like communicate with me.
00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:38.799
And like I just told myself all of these things because it was easier for me to accept those things.
00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:40.960
Like it, you know, he loved me the whole time.
00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:42.160
I wasn't wasting my time.
00:17:42.319 --> 00:17:45.599
He just he had problems within himself, he had therapy he needed to do.
00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:47.359
He was just a shitty person.
00:17:47.519 --> 00:17:51.680
Like he, sorry, but like he was just a shitty, unhealed person.
00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:53.039
And it's so crazy.
00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:58.319
I actually, my friend Timmy recently reached out to me and she said, Hey, when did you and let's call him Colin?
00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:00.000
When did you and Colin break up?
00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:03.519
And I was like, what a random question, because it was almost four years ago.
00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:05.359
And I said, July of 2022.
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:05.680
Why?
00:18:05.759 --> 00:18:07.519
And she goes, So crazy.
00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:09.599
Um, he's dating my friend's cousin.
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:11.920
They started dating July of 2022.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:20.160
And the girl that he's dating, they're still together to this day, somehow, by some miracle, maybe they're soulmates, but um more power to her.
00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:23.519
Um, but yeah, no, he immediately hit her up.
00:18:23.599 --> 00:18:26.960
I guess they had like hooked up prior, I guess before we started dating.
00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:28.160
Maybe they were talking the whole time.
00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:28.880
I don't know.
00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:31.279
But he started dating someone immediately after.
00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:40.160
Here I was for months after we broke up, sitting there thinking he misses me, he just doesn't know how to talk to me, like telling myself, no, this man immediately moved on.
00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:41.599
He was already in another relationship.
00:18:41.759 --> 00:18:42.960
He moved on to his next victim.
00:18:43.119 --> 00:18:46.240
He completely just like blocked out whatever he did.
00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:52.640
And that's like most of the time, what people like addicts do is they just pile on their trauma and they don't deal with it.
00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:54.559
He's and that's just like a pattern.
00:18:54.720 --> 00:18:54.960
Yeah.
00:18:55.200 --> 00:19:10.720
So I think if you are dating someone that struggles with addiction, make sure that they are very self-aware because and that they've they they are very responsible about handling their trauma because unfortunately, I just made so many excuses for him when I shouldn't have.
00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:13.680
And you know, I just was fooling myself.
00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:14.960
I was just wasting my own time.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:22.640
So I think back on to when I was healing, and I just the only thing I wish is that I just accepted the truth sooner was that this man didn't care about me.
00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:25.759
I don't care if he said he did, I don't care if he was promising to marry me.
00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:30.000
If he cared about me, he wouldn't have done this to me for six weeks with somebody that I knew.
00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:33.039
That somebody like his best friend was pretending to be my best friend.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:36.559
Just so many things about it where it was just clowning me essentially.
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:40.319
Introducing me to his family, introducing me to the pastor that was gonna marry us.
00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:41.279
Crazy.
00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:42.400
It's wild.
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:48.480
Yeah, I think just kind of accepting the reality and like not focusing on the good times because that's what I was doing too.
00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:53.920
I was looking back at the relationship and I was like, I'm only looking at all of the amazing things.
00:19:54.079 --> 00:19:58.720
I'm not looking at all of the horrific fights we would get in, you know, where there would just be no way.
00:19:59.839 --> 00:20:00.079
Yeah.
00:20:00.160 --> 00:20:05.039
And I was just like, I felt insane because he was telling me I was doing and saying these things I wasn't doing.
00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:07.119
And I was like, Am I just gaslighting you?
00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:07.519
Yes.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:09.119
I was like, am I crazy?
00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:11.599
How am I forgetting these entire events?
00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:13.599
I'm a pretty logical person too.
00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:17.359
Like, I don't raise my voice, I stay, like I don't scream.
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:18.960
Um, and I'm not a hurtful person.
00:20:19.039 --> 00:20:19.920
I don't like hurting people.
00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:22.240
So, all right, I live in a homeless encampment.
00:20:22.480 --> 00:20:26.799
Um, there was a part where I was just like questioning my own sanity.
00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:29.920
And it's just I that was the bulk of the relationship.
00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:32.559
The relationship wasn't the good times we were having as best friends.
00:20:32.640 --> 00:20:35.519
Like, and it's just not fulfilling to be with somebody like that.
00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:41.200
It's just we can't romanticize the relationship into something that it wasn't because if it was a good relationship, this wouldn't have happened.
00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:43.920
You know, if it was a good person, it wouldn't have happened.
00:20:44.319 --> 00:20:53.279
The cons don't out if the cons outweigh the pros, then you know you're looking back on the relationship like you're grasping for straws, you're trying to find something that makes sense.
00:20:53.359 --> 00:21:08.079
It's your brain is trying to find a reason, a solution, and um to to make it make sense, especially an ending of a relationship like that that has no real closure and you never really got the closure that people look for in a relationship.
00:21:08.559 --> 00:21:32.160
And in that way, it's almost you almost did in a way though, that was it it wasn't you know tied in a bow for you, but it was it was he showed you who he was and you believed him and you didn't it he didn't he didn't fight back, he was just like okay, this is this is done then, bye.
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:36.160
And that is the that is the closure in some ways.
00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:37.920
That's what you needed to see.
00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:44.480
Well, and what's crazy too is when we broke up, I guess he had just been also fighting with his friend group, his entire friend group.
00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:48.960
Um, and you know, I had only ended up in Atlanta because I got stuck there over COVID.
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:49.839
So I didn't really have friends there.
00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:52.720
I'd been living in New York, and so his I was friends with his friends.
00:21:52.799 --> 00:22:03.759
And when I found out he cheated, his friend group literally reached out to me and they were like, Hey, we actually think he's A bad person, and we don't like what he did, and we think you're cool.
00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:04.960
Please hang out with us.
00:22:05.119 --> 00:22:06.319
We don't talk to him anymore.
00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:06.720
Yeah.
00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:09.759
And I'm like, that tells you everything you need to know.
00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:10.880
That's everything.
00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:16.400
Yeah, that his friends were so quick to just be like, Yeah, we actually like don't think this behavior is okay.
00:22:16.480 --> 00:22:17.680
And like, yeah, you didn't deserve it.
00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:18.720
You don't condone this.
00:22:18.799 --> 00:22:18.880
Yeah.
00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:19.119
Yeah.
00:22:19.200 --> 00:22:25.440
And what's crazy is well, when I ran into him like nine months later, um, I remember the only reason I went up and talked to him.
00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:27.839
I saw him at the gym, and then I saw him in another time.
00:22:27.920 --> 00:22:31.519
I was playing volleyball outside with my friends, and he came out with his dog and was throwing the ball.
00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:35.920
And he had, I swear, because he had an apartment that overlooked where I was playing volleyball.
00:22:36.079 --> 00:22:38.799
We like shared a courtyard essentially from our apartment buildings.
00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:44.960
And I swear he saw me out there and he brought the dog because he knew that I would come and, you know, talk to the dog.
00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:47.039
Yeah, I hadn't seen the dog since we broke up.
00:22:47.119 --> 00:22:50.000
The dog was at the mom's house and I was at the grandparents' house.
00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:54.960
I never got to say goodbye to this dog that I essentially, you know, was in my life for a year and my dog had passed away.
00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:56.400
So there was all this weird trauma.
00:22:56.720 --> 00:22:58.160
That was another heartbreak.
00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:02.960
Um, but I remember I went up to him and I was still in my head giving him a benefit of the doubt.
00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:06.079
Maybe if I'm nice to him, he'll apologize and he'll own up to what he did.
00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:08.160
Just because I was still living that lie in my head.
00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:12.160
Like I was holding on to that truth because it was just so much less painful.
00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:18.400
And I remember he was like, So you're hanging out with uh Alex, one of our friends, like one of his old friends.
00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:26.240
And because Alex was out playing volleyball with us, and I was just like, he was like, Yeah, it's kind of crazy that you just became friends with my friends like after we broke up.
00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:27.599
And that's the thing.
00:23:27.680 --> 00:23:30.319
It's like his close friends weren't really my close friends.
00:23:30.480 --> 00:23:34.319
Like, I was kind of close with friends that were in like the middle of these other friends.
00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:36.559
It wasn't like I was intentionally only friends with his friends.
00:23:36.640 --> 00:23:39.519
I was like very casual friends with his specific friend group.
00:23:39.920 --> 00:23:43.680
And he kind of just was still trying to make me into a bad person.
00:23:43.839 --> 00:23:49.039
Like he was making this narrative like with these the girls I was close with, he wasn't even friends with.
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:50.480
I didn't even know him like anything.
00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:57.200
He had was trying to twist the narrative until I was doing it despite him and all these things, never apologized, nothing.
00:23:57.279 --> 00:24:05.359
And I was just like, these lies I've been telling myself about, you know, all he needs is for me to be nice and then I'll get the apology.
00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:06.799
I'm like so deserving of.
00:24:06.960 --> 00:24:11.200
And he just all he cared about was himself, how I was friends with some of his friends now.
00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:12.720
All of these things that still weren't true.
00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:22.240
I really wasn't close with his close friends and all of these things where I was just like, oh, something went off that the light bulb clicked, and I was like, Oh, he's just sucks.
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:24.079
He's just as a terrible person.
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:26.480
And then after that, I was over it.
00:24:26.640 --> 00:24:29.279
I just kind of it kind of been weighing on me for a minute.
00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:34.160
And then the second I just accepted he's just a bad person, I'd be like Clarity, freedom.
00:24:34.319 --> 00:24:34.480
Yeah.
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:43.920
And so I was just like, damn, I wish someone had shaken me this whole time and just said, because all I was doing was putting a band-aid on a wound that just needed to literally be sprayed with saline.
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:50.240
And yeah, it sucks at first, where you're just like, oh fuck, I hurt sorry to mean it ghosts, but like where you're just like, oh wow, that that hurt.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:54.160
And then all of a sudden it's clean and then it starts healing.
00:24:54.319 --> 00:25:01.200
And then, you know, so it's just accepting that truth initially is so hard and it's gonna be painful.
00:25:01.440 --> 00:25:19.680
But once you accept the reality and the truth of the situation, instead of living in what could be or what was promised to you, or the good of the relationship, or who you think he is, you know, not who he's showing himself to be, but what the version you're making up in your head of why he is this way, why he did that.
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:30.160
As soon as you accept the reality of no, this is not a healed, healthy person, a healed, healthy person would have sat me down, had a conversation with me, and said, I'm feeling XYZ in this relationship.
00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:31.839
I think I may want to see other people.
00:25:32.079 --> 00:25:40.240
There's no reason on this earth that somebody can't sit you down and say that I'm having problems with you, especially somebody that loves doing cares, but there's no excuse.
00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:42.000
There's zero, literally zero excuse.
00:25:42.079 --> 00:25:50.079
Like that if there's anyone on this earth that you should feel comfortable sitting down and expressing concerns to, it should be your partner that you're literally being intimate with.
00:25:50.319 --> 00:25:58.640
So I think he I think he probably tried to paint you as the bad guy in this scenario to make himself feel better.
00:25:58.799 --> 00:26:03.920
So he was like, Let me think of everything that was wrong with her, wrong with the relationship.
00:26:04.000 --> 00:26:13.920
So I can make it okay that I was this rude and and hurtful and honestly evil in the way I went about things.
00:26:14.160 --> 00:26:18.000
And you know, yes, like you look back and you're like, why didn't someone shake me?
00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:20.400
But it just it wouldn't have made a difference.
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:21.839
You needed to come to that.
00:26:22.000 --> 00:26:29.440
Sometimes it just takes a certain moment or certain realization just to hit you.
00:26:29.519 --> 00:26:33.519
And then the clarity comes and then you're you're able to move on.
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:34.559
A thousand percent.
00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:42.240
And I remember because I was really close with his family, his sister, especially, um, of just what are they gonna think?
00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:53.519
Because I had known from the sister and some of the stuff that I had talked to her about that he was already lying to her about, you know, things I was doing, saying he was kind of just painting me as this horrible person.
00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:54.000
Yeah.
00:26:54.240 --> 00:26:57.920
And I just was like the only person, not the only person.
00:26:58.000 --> 00:27:00.319
I mean, I really loved his family, but really loved his sister.
00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:06.319
And I just remember being like, I just need her to know that this was not, this was so out of my control.
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:07.839
Cause we had just gotten so close.
00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:12.079
And I had been telling her actually for weeks, I think he's cheating on me.
00:27:12.240 --> 00:27:14.079
I literally was talking to the sister about it.
00:27:14.160 --> 00:27:16.640
And she was like, no, Colin is not a cheater.
00:27:16.799 --> 00:27:17.759
He would never do that.
00:27:17.839 --> 00:27:20.559
Like he may be going through XYZ, but he would never cheat on you.
00:27:20.640 --> 00:27:23.119
So I was like kind of making me feel better where I was like, okay.
00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:27.359
And so when I found out that he had, I just sent her a text message and I was like, Hey, can you talk?
00:27:27.519 --> 00:27:30.960
And she she sent something back, very respectful, like, you know, I really love and care about you.
00:27:31.039 --> 00:27:33.279
I just like I don't know how I'm supposed to be here for you.
00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:37.039
It was just very kind of I don't want to get involved text, which I totally understand.
00:27:37.200 --> 00:27:38.720
And I kind of just sent one back.
00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:44.480
I I not in like a crazy way, I just sent one back and I was like, okay, I just need you to know this is what happened.
00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:46.559
And I just explained the entire situation to her.
00:27:46.640 --> 00:27:48.240
And poor girl, I mean, it was so long.
00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:52.480
It wasn't a note long, but it was probably a few sentences away from turning into a name.
00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:52.880
Yeah.
00:27:53.200 --> 00:27:58.720
Um, but I felt better after because I was like, I just needed her to know that that was the case.
00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:01.599
And it sucks too, so much when you love the family.
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:04.640
I always guys like you're grieving the family, yeah.
00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:10.480
Because like that's half the reason I stayed in it too, was I love that we both come from like these great families.
00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:12.720
And like, I don't know.
00:28:12.799 --> 00:28:23.279
I think I let him get away with stuff because I had this belief in my head, I'm never gonna find someone again that you think that the your person you're dating is so much better than they are.
00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:30.160
Everyone wants to hook up with them, everyone wants to date them, and when you kind of get away from them, you see them for what they truly are, and it's they're not usually that great.
00:28:30.400 --> 00:28:32.720
The rose-colored glasses, thousand percent.
00:28:33.039 --> 00:28:33.920
Yeah, yeah.
00:28:34.160 --> 00:28:37.119
So you also stopped drinking.
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:44.640
And as someone who also is sober, it's I just find it well, how do you navigate dating now that you're sober?
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:46.000
And when did you stop drinking?
00:28:46.079 --> 00:28:48.559
Because I feel you've been sober for uh four years now.
00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:49.039
Yeah.
00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:52.240
I mean, what's crazy is that I mean, I've never been a big drinker.
00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:55.759
I definitely had stages in my life where I was like, whoo, it's fun, you know.
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:58.079
Like but I never feel the same way, yeah.
00:28:58.240 --> 00:28:59.920
Yeah, but I like, I mean, that's the thing.
00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:02.079
When I was dating Colin, he was a big drinker.
00:29:02.160 --> 00:29:08.640
Like, I was drinking so much, and my anxiety was probably the some of the worst that it's ever been in my entire life.
00:29:08.720 --> 00:29:10.160
And I'm not an anxious person.
00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:20.400
Um and I just remember I stayed drinking after we broke up because I was going out, I was having fun, I was living my life, and I was getting my boobs done.
00:29:20.559 --> 00:29:22.000
Like this way, that's what happened.
00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:28.559
I was getting my boobs done, and um, I didn't want to drink because I didn't want to be swollen essentially.
00:29:28.720 --> 00:29:34.240
So I didn't drink for a few weeks before the surgery and a few weeks after just for healing purposes.
00:29:34.400 --> 00:29:38.160
And I remember I was sleeping so well, I had zero anxiety.
00:29:38.400 --> 00:29:44.160
Um, and my face, like I get like a puffy face if I eat the wrong thing, drink the wrong thing.
00:29:44.480 --> 00:29:46.079
My face loves to puff up.
00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:54.400
Um, and so my face was like really like toned slim looking, and I was just like, hmm, I might be allergic to alcohol.
00:29:54.880 --> 00:29:57.200
Um, I think I just was like, I'm not gonna drink.
00:29:57.279 --> 00:30:01.039
And then my friend had a birthday in Cabo, and she was like, no one's drinking with me.
00:30:01.119 --> 00:30:02.319
Why is no one drinking anymore?
00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:03.599
And I was like, okay, I'll drink with you.
00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:06.240
So I drank, I had maybe one or two drinks that night.
00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:11.759
And the next morning, anxious, slept horribly, in a terrible mood the next day.
00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:14.400
Nothing about those true drinks last night was worth it.
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:15.599
I didn't make the night more fun.
00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:18.079
Like, I'm already a fun person, I don't need alcohol.
00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:23.839
Um and yeah, I think I made a decision after that where I was like, it's not that I'm never gonna drink again.
00:30:23.920 --> 00:30:25.039
I'll drink when it's worth it.
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:29.119
And then now I'm three and a half years later and I haven't had alcohol.
00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:30.880
Not because I'm like, I'm not drinking.
00:30:31.039 --> 00:30:35.119
It just hasn't been worth it to me to have anxiety, to sleep like shit.
00:30:35.519 --> 00:30:38.000
I genuinely have such a fun time with my friends.
00:30:38.079 --> 00:30:40.160
So I drink Diet Cokes all night long.
00:30:40.319 --> 00:30:42.079
I'm jazzed up on caffeine.
00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:43.920
Um, sometimes I'll have a Shirley Temperal.
00:30:44.079 --> 00:30:46.160
If they have like a great mocktail menu, I'll have that.
00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:48.160
Especially, I mean, I live in LA now.
00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:51.119
The mocktail choices are immaculate.
00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:53.599
Um, and so I think that kind of helps.
00:30:53.680 --> 00:30:56.160
And luckily in LA, a lot of people don't drink.
00:30:56.240 --> 00:30:59.680
So it makes my life a lot easier from that perspective.
00:30:59.920 --> 00:31:01.759
But super curious people.
00:31:02.000 --> 00:31:02.160
Yeah.
00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:07.359
And I think too, if it's a problem with someone you're dating, like I think that's a red flag.
00:31:07.519 --> 00:31:09.920
You know, why is alcohol such a high priority?
00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:15.359
If anything, it shows like I'm healthy, you don't have to worry about me, you know, making bad decisions.
00:31:15.599 --> 00:31:16.079
I don't know.
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:19.359
If anything, it should be a green flag to somebody that you're not drinking.
00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:20.079
And that's the thing.
00:31:20.240 --> 00:31:21.519
Some people handle alcohol better.
00:31:21.599 --> 00:31:23.519
It's not to say everyone needs to stop drinking.
00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:27.440
I personally was allergic to it, I think, or shouldn't drink it.
00:31:27.599 --> 00:31:31.279
That's not a normal, you know, symptoms after you drink.
00:31:31.440 --> 00:31:35.039
Um, and I think some people handle it better, some people love it, and that's fine.
00:31:35.119 --> 00:31:39.920
Um, just for me personally, like, I just I don't have anxiety around people.
00:31:40.079 --> 00:31:43.759
Like, I love waking up the next morning, especially too in LA.
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:49.440
I'm consistently meeting really cool people, celebrities, all of these things, like really important people.
00:31:49.519 --> 00:31:52.720
And I wake up the next day and I'm like, thank God I wasn't drinking.
00:31:52.799 --> 00:31:56.799
Like, thank God I wasn't under the influence of anything because that person loves me now.
00:31:56.880 --> 00:32:01.680
We're friends, and I probably would have embarrassed myself had I been, you know, drinking.
00:32:01.839 --> 00:32:03.599
I literally was drinking too.
00:32:03.839 --> 00:32:04.640
It was too much fun.
00:32:04.720 --> 00:32:06.240
I had a name for my alter ego.
00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:12.640
I called her Mopsy, and I would be like, that was a Michelle that made out with her overdriver, that was Mopsy, because Michelle wouldn't done that, which was true.
00:32:12.799 --> 00:32:13.759
Like, you know.
00:32:14.400 --> 00:32:17.920
So no, I if someone has a problem with it, fuck them.
00:32:18.079 --> 00:32:18.559
Sorry.
00:32:18.880 --> 00:32:29.279
I feel when you rely on drinking, especially while you're navigating dating and like finding your person, you can pick the wrong people.
00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:37.200
That was people use it as a crutch to get through social situations, people's personalities change, you just don't really know.
00:32:37.279 --> 00:32:47.279
So I think it's important, even if you do drink and that person drinks, or you don't drink and they do, you have to have situations where you're not drinking to get to know them.
00:32:47.519 --> 00:32:59.200
Because I can't imagine just building a relationship on constantly partying and being wasted and not actually knowing the person underneath that.
00:32:59.599 --> 00:33:01.440
Why do you need a drink to loosen up?
00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:02.240
Are you hiding?
00:33:02.319 --> 00:33:04.160
You know, like why do you need a drink to be yourself?
00:33:04.240 --> 00:33:07.200
And I get it's nerve-wracking, yes, but how exciting, you know?
00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:07.599
Yeah.
00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:17.680
That feeling you get of like nervousness, the way I live my life about everything, not even just dating, is like when I'm 80 years old, am I gonna look back and be like, thank God I did XYZ?
00:33:17.839 --> 00:33:18.160
You know?
00:33:18.319 --> 00:33:25.279
And I think the 80-year-old version of you is gonna miss that nervous feeling and just be like, I wish I had been a little bit more in the moment for that.
00:33:25.359 --> 00:33:30.480
I wish I had like taken that feeling and just really, I don't know, I think you're gonna miss it.
00:33:30.640 --> 00:33:32.079
I think you're gonna miss being nervous.
00:33:32.319 --> 00:33:36.480
And you know, I think too, when you're nervous, that's it's quirky.
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:38.720
I think it's what makes the other person relax.
00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:43.359
And I'm such a believer, too, in that everything happens for a reason.
00:33:43.519 --> 00:33:47.200
So if you go on a date and you're nervous and you say something stupid, not an accident.
00:33:47.279 --> 00:33:51.039
The universe was like saving you from being with the wrong person, you know?
00:33:51.200 --> 00:33:54.559
Yeah, and if someone scares that easily, then like you don't want to be with them anyways.
00:33:54.640 --> 00:34:02.640
Like, there's so many things where you have to stop being nervous because if a person was meant for you, like these things wouldn't happen.
00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:04.319
Like they, especially with cheating.
00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:08.239
Like, if that person was meant for you, like they probably wouldn't have cheated on you, you know?
00:34:08.800 --> 00:34:12.000
Sometimes, like, I will say I'm like a big believer, I'm very woo-woo.
00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:23.039
I don't know, but um, I just think sometimes you're in such a bad relationship that the universe was like, you are supposed to be with somebody else.
00:34:23.199 --> 00:34:29.840
And sometimes the universe just has to like slap you in the face and be like, wake up, not your person, get out.
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:31.440
Like, you know, yeah.
00:34:31.599 --> 00:34:41.760
So unfortunately, like you just have to read into everything, whether it be them cheating, whether it be not clicking on a first date because you weren't wasted, and just see it for what it is and just be like, not my person.
00:34:41.920 --> 00:34:44.559
Like, because if it was my person, this wouldn't be happening.
00:34:44.800 --> 00:34:45.440
Exactly.
00:34:45.599 --> 00:35:03.440
I think sometimes we just make that mistake where you stay in something too long, or you know, I give myself grace in that in that way, because sometimes you just you need to stay a little longer to see really to to see it through until you're ready.
00:35:03.920 --> 00:35:09.519
And in that way, I don't consider it a waste of time, but obviously you go back and forth.
00:35:09.760 --> 00:35:11.760
Did I waste a whole year and a half?
00:35:11.920 --> 00:35:18.719
Did I, you know, I could have been doing this and that, but you don't know until you know.
00:35:18.880 --> 00:35:20.239
So no, a thousand percent.
00:35:20.400 --> 00:35:20.559
I do.
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:23.039
I have a friend right now who's currently going through a breakup.
00:35:23.119 --> 00:35:27.199
She was dating an addict, and he cheated on her, but he had relapsed.
00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:33.039
And um they broke up and they got back together after he cheated, maybe six months later.
00:35:33.119 --> 00:35:36.880
He said, You swear he changed, he was sober, he wasn't that person anymore.
00:35:37.039 --> 00:35:49.199
And I think that there was a part of her that was like, in order to accept that this isn't my person and that this relationship is like done, I need to date him sober and see what it is.
00:35:49.360 --> 00:35:51.119
And we got back together.
00:35:51.440 --> 00:35:58.079
He was cheating again and sober, like you know, I just I think you know, he was just a cheater at heart.
00:35:58.239 --> 00:36:01.039
And so it's one of those things that where she had to know herself.
00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:02.320
Like she could listen to her friends all day.
00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:03.679
He's gonna do it again, he's gonna do it again.
00:36:03.760 --> 00:36:07.599
But sometimes you have to experience it for yourself, and you just have to be like, I need to see this through.
00:36:07.760 --> 00:36:12.159
I need this person to just literally mess me up so badly to where I don't want to go back.
00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:13.519
And you just have to do it sometimes.
00:36:13.679 --> 00:36:16.800
Sometimes you just have to look like a clown and flag with the person.
00:36:16.960 --> 00:36:17.840
But that's what I'm saying.
00:36:18.000 --> 00:36:21.679
At the end of the day, you're gonna be the one at 80 looking back on your life.
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:24.559
Like, do I regret not giving that person another chance?
00:36:24.719 --> 00:36:25.840
Maybe that was in my life.
00:36:26.000 --> 00:36:27.599
So it's just, it is your life.
00:36:27.760 --> 00:36:29.760
Who gives a fuck what anyone else is gonna say?
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:31.519
If you have to clown yourself, clown yourself.
00:36:31.599 --> 00:36:33.519
You know, sometimes that's the only way you can move on.
00:36:33.679 --> 00:37:04.320
But eventually you're you will hit a point where you see the person clearly and you're like, I'm actually over this, and you move on, or you don't, maybe they change, but I think a lot of times in relationships, there are things that come out later that you avoid talking about, just differences come out and things that you don't really pick up on because you're just so in love or you're idealizing the person so much that you maybe you avoid talking about like the future, the big things in common, the the you don't have the same alignment.
00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:27.599
And and I think you know yes, I totally agree because in my relationship I remember because of the way the first breakup happened and how kind of abrupt it felt, I felt I had to see this through because if I I just didn't want to wonder what if, and now I and now I don't wonder that.
00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:42.559
So in that way I don't regret it, but obviously, you know it's time it's time you don't get back, but also again, it's kind of outweighing the pros and cons of the lesson that you're given.
00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:48.559
But I definitely I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot of lessons through that relationship.
00:37:48.719 --> 00:38:12.079
So I in that way I don't it's not like I I regret it, I also again everything is there's gray areas to things, but yeah, I well I think like the main difference too between my relationship and your relationship was my friends hated him, hated him, they were like, he sucks, and you need to break up with him.
00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:13.360
We don't like him.
00:38:13.599 --> 00:38:15.840
Whereas like we all loved your ex.
00:38:16.159 --> 00:38:18.320
He fooled everybody.
00:38:18.559 --> 00:38:22.800
We were all just like he's obsessed with stuff, nicest, funniest guy.
00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:27.119
We love him, and it he fooled everybody.
00:38:27.280 --> 00:38:32.079
Whereas my ex was just sucked and everyone hated him, you know.
00:38:32.480 --> 00:38:42.159
So I think with your situation, it was a lot more understandable that you had forgiven him because we were all like, we love him, and this doesn't seem aligned with who he is.
00:38:42.320 --> 00:38:47.039
And he the way he would look at you and all these things, we were just like, he's so obsessed with her, you know.
00:38:47.199 --> 00:38:48.960
Yeah, he fucked up XYZ.
00:38:49.039 --> 00:38:50.880
We were almost making excuses for him.
00:38:51.039 --> 00:38:53.840
So when you got back with him, we were like, Yeah, you know what?
00:38:54.000 --> 00:39:03.920
Like, we love him too, give him another chance, especially because you had given it a break and you had dated other people, and you were just like, I need to see this, I need to get back with him, I need to see it through.
00:39:04.239 --> 00:39:15.119
And you know, I think given the circumstances, you guys were in a distancing, and it was definitely like a different situation than me and Colin's, which was like, we weren't in distance.
00:39:15.280 --> 00:39:16.880
That man had no excuse, he sucked.
00:39:17.039 --> 00:39:22.400
I see when I look at your reasoning for getting back together with him, it makes sense to me.
00:39:22.639 --> 00:39:26.239
I think in my situation, it made zero sense for me to get back with Colin.
00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:30.079
He was gonna do it again, he hated himself, he was a bad person.
00:39:30.239 --> 00:39:35.039
Whereas with your ex-boyfriend, it was just one of those situations where it's not so black and white.
00:39:35.119 --> 00:39:44.239
It was a very gray area, but it was a different situation, and it did make sense for you to revisit that and like see it through because I think it was something you needed too.
00:39:44.559 --> 00:40:40.800
Yeah, and I had just moved to LA, I was grieving there and going through the motions, but at the same time, I we did so much talking and so much uh uh communication that I think needed to happen even before it got to that point that we had just been avoiding, and then it just hit a wall later, and you know, obviously um we broke up before I even found out about the cheating for the second time, but um yeah, I mean it definitely gave me a sense of it was a weird sense of betrayal the second time because you're like I'm not with you, but kind of my image of who you are is is tainted now because I thought it was almost amicable, and now it that's just ruined in some way because I don't want anything to do with you now.
00:40:41.280 --> 00:40:42.400
No, a thousand percent.
00:40:42.800 --> 00:41:36.639
Yeah, I mean I I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I'm just a very empathetic person, so I in some ways I do just feel bad for him, and you know, I think he has demons he's working through, and it again, I just don't it just has nothing to do with me, and I think I was already kind of dealing with things in the relationship and slowly grieving it in some ways, so it was just a different I had a different reaction than I did the first time, and also the first time he told me about it, the second time the girl told me about it, so it was just different, but it it's still betrayal, it's just a different feeling, and uh it makes you question yourself and your judgment, and I think that's the worst part about getting cheated on is just how you you're like, What what is wrong with me and my picker?
00:41:36.880 --> 00:41:53.440
Why can't I pick the right no, but I'm glad you said that because I really do think that if you are attracting a certain type of guy, you need to stop dating because there is a certain belief you have about yourself or like there's a reason.
00:41:53.599 --> 00:41:55.519
You can just say, Oh, it's just dumb luck.
00:41:55.679 --> 00:42:01.199
No, you attract people on the energy level that you're on, on the frequency you're on, you attract people that are like you.
00:42:01.280 --> 00:42:08.880
So if you don't like what you're attracting, you need to take a break from dating because it's just like you're there's a reason you're attracting that.
00:42:08.960 --> 00:42:11.599
And a lot of times it's because that pure that person's mirroring you.
00:42:11.760 --> 00:42:21.760
So it's just if you don't like what you're seeing, take a look in the mirror, babe, because you were clicking with that person because you're similar, and you know, or else you wouldn't have put up with it for as long as you did.
00:42:21.840 --> 00:42:30.239
Because I think accepting their flaws is kind of saying this isn't okay and this thing that I do isn't okay for whatever reason, you know, or it may not be a similarity.
00:42:30.320 --> 00:42:37.760
It may be why do I date people that, you know, are long like I I love an international thing because I swear I'm avoidant now.
00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:42.960
Why do I love men that don't live in the same city with me that are in complete different time zones?
00:42:43.119 --> 00:42:43.280
Yeah.
00:42:43.360 --> 00:42:57.760
Um and it's because there's a part of me that's avoidant and it's scary to date somebody that's here that's real, that's really making me prone to being hurt, like all of these things where it's just like be self-aware of why you're choosing these partners because it's not just dumb luck.
00:42:57.840 --> 00:43:06.079
Like there's a belief you have about yourself, or you know, maybe you're in a similar place, but it's not it's not for just no reason at all.
00:43:06.400 --> 00:43:15.039
Yeah, I think not even wanting to live in that place and just be long distance is is just a sign that maybe you have a commitment issue or you are avoidant.
00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:31.920
But yeah, that leads me to your relationship after that, and this is why I understand why you would be avoidant in relationships in general, because your your relationship after, once you healed from the previous one and you were like, Okay, I'm gonna start dating.
00:43:32.480 --> 00:43:36.639
This is this relationship was so crazy to me.
00:43:36.800 --> 00:43:40.880
And I also have met this person, and this is when you first moved to LA.
00:43:41.039 --> 00:43:48.159
So again, from the outside perspective, this was a completely different type of man than the than the one before.
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:52.000
So, of course, you're gonna be drawn to that because you're like, okay, he's nothing like my ex.
00:43:52.239 --> 00:43:56.239
So can you tell our listeners a little bit about that?
00:43:56.639 --> 00:43:57.519
No, a thousand percent.
00:43:57.760 --> 00:43:59.599
Um, basically, the guy I dated after.
00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:02.159
That was um.
00:44:05.760 --> 00:44:06.400
I don't know.
00:44:06.639 --> 00:44:07.199
That's the thing.
00:44:07.440 --> 00:44:10.559
On paper, he made himself seem really great.
00:44:10.880 --> 00:44:16.719
I think um he kind of knew that I was out of his league.
00:44:16.880 --> 00:44:25.599
And I think that he lied a lot to me so that I would think he was somebody that he wasn't, so that I would date him essentially.
00:44:25.760 --> 00:44:30.400
Just because when you look at us realistically on paper, I would never date him.
00:44:30.639 --> 00:44:38.239
Um and from night one, just completely lied to me about who he was, what he did for a living.
00:44:38.400 --> 00:44:41.840
Um, and he just kept up the lie for a really long time.
00:44:42.079 --> 00:44:48.559
Um and I just remember starting to see kind of holes, and it was all about his business, what he was doing.
00:44:48.719 --> 00:44:53.599
Um, and he let's let's say the way he portrayed himself was this knight in shining armor.
00:44:54.239 --> 00:44:56.719
He was just this great guy, had a great dad.
00:44:56.800 --> 00:44:59.840
His parents were still together, and he just like knew how to treat a woman.
00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:01.039
Um he was great.
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:06.400
Like that's what sucked is he was my dream kind of partner, but I wanted to mean we were best friends.
00:45:06.480 --> 00:45:09.119
We had an amazing time together, we had great sex.
00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:10.960
Um, he was an amazing boyfriend.
00:45:11.119 --> 00:45:17.039
I remember I would wake up like almost every morning and I would have coffee on my bedside table and flowers and handwritten notes.
00:45:17.119 --> 00:45:18.880
Like it almost just felt like a dream.
00:45:19.039 --> 00:45:19.280
Yeah.
00:45:19.440 --> 00:45:21.920
And um yeah, it just wasn't real.
00:45:22.159 --> 00:45:25.679
He was lying about, I don't, I still don't really know how he made money.
00:45:25.760 --> 00:45:28.559
I still don't know how he was paying my rent.
00:45:28.719 --> 00:45:30.559
He started just being like, You shouldn't pay your rent.
00:45:30.639 --> 00:45:33.360
He's paying for my rent, he was paying for my flights, he was taking me on trips.
00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:36.000
Like, um, I don't think he was doing anything shady.
00:45:36.239 --> 00:45:36.880
I will say that.
00:45:37.039 --> 00:45:37.840
I don't know what he did.
00:45:37.920 --> 00:45:41.280
I just remember as soon as I kind of realized he was lying, I was out.
00:45:41.440 --> 00:45:49.760
And that's the thing is like this once you start to kind of date after you've been hurt or lied to in a relationship, it doesn't matter what they did for you in the relationship.
00:45:49.920 --> 00:45:52.239
You just know I've dated before, I've moved on.
00:45:52.320 --> 00:45:54.559
Every time I move on, I date someone better.
00:45:54.800 --> 00:46:00.639
And so you have the confidence of like not only will I find this person again, but I'll find somebody even better.
00:46:00.880 --> 00:46:01.039
Yeah.
00:46:01.199 --> 00:46:03.760
Um you know what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not.
00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:04.239
Yeah.
00:46:04.400 --> 00:46:10.719
And then I think after that relationship, I did date and I was having fun and I was just dating and I was traveling a lot.
00:46:10.960 --> 00:46:18.880
Um, and then I think I got too comfortable being alone to where and it's not that I'm I wouldn't even say that I'm avoidant now.
00:46:18.960 --> 00:46:22.079
Like I think a lot of people label it as avoidant.
00:46:22.320 --> 00:46:29.679
I think it's I know what I want and I know what I deserve, and I'm not just gonna date somebody that's not that.
00:46:29.840 --> 00:46:30.000
Yeah.
00:46:30.159 --> 00:46:39.760
And I think with the international guys, it's like this kind of gray area where it's like they kind of know what the relationship is gonna be too, and it's not gonna be anything serious.
00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:43.119
And we're just we're both not looking for that.
00:46:43.280 --> 00:46:48.400
It's kind of just you're in town, let's hang out, let's you know, I'll see you when you're in town.
00:46:48.559 --> 00:46:50.000
Um, just because I know what I want.
00:46:50.079 --> 00:46:50.639
And that's the thing.
00:46:50.719 --> 00:46:53.280
It's all my friends are always, how do you find these like great men?
00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:55.679
Because I always end up dating and finding somebody great.
00:46:55.760 --> 00:46:57.119
And it's because I don't settle.
00:46:57.440 --> 00:47:01.840
I don't settle for the weird in-between people that I'm like, oh, they would be perfect if they have this.
00:47:02.079 --> 00:47:03.440
I'm just gonna try to change them.
00:47:03.760 --> 00:47:04.079
Yeah.
00:47:04.320 --> 00:47:08.400
And I just date people, you have to date somebody for who they are when you meet them.
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:11.119
Because if you meet somebody and you're like, I can just help them fit.
00:47:11.199 --> 00:47:12.159
No, no, no, no, no.
00:47:12.239 --> 00:47:13.920
You're you can't do that.
00:47:14.079 --> 00:47:17.280
You have to you have to accept someone for who they are when you meet them.
00:47:17.360 --> 00:47:20.320
And if you don't like anything about them, give it a give it a week.
00:47:20.559 --> 00:47:22.480
Someone else will come along, I promise you.
00:47:22.639 --> 00:47:23.920
And if not, who cares?
00:47:24.079 --> 00:47:31.039
Like, my whole thing now is if you're not making my life better in some way, it's just not worth it to me because I'm so happy alone.
00:47:31.199 --> 00:47:32.960
I have such an amazing group of friends.
00:47:33.119 --> 00:47:37.679
And if you're not changing my life for the better, why would I give you my time and my energy?
00:47:37.760 --> 00:47:38.480
It's so precious.
00:47:38.880 --> 00:47:41.280
I'm really busy and I'm surrounded by great people.
00:47:41.360 --> 00:47:45.360
Why would I take time away from them to be with somebody that makes me feel like I'm not enough?
00:47:45.519 --> 00:47:48.880
Or that's, you know, that I'm just not aligned with essentially.
00:47:49.039 --> 00:47:51.679
So it's just like be picky because you only live once.
00:47:51.840 --> 00:47:56.960
Just like I said, you don't want to look back when you're 80 and be like, I wasted a year with this person.
00:47:57.039 --> 00:47:58.639
I wasted four years with this person.
00:47:58.719 --> 00:48:01.679
I spent eight years really on the first guy that I dated.
00:48:01.840 --> 00:48:06.719
And, you know, I don't regret anything now because I think everything's led to the place I'm in now.
00:48:06.800 --> 00:48:10.639
And I I wouldn't trade anything for the world because I love my life now.
00:48:10.800 --> 00:48:17.840
But I think it's just being aware of this person isn't my person and someone else will be better for me.
00:48:18.000 --> 00:48:20.079
I just have to kind of accept that.
00:48:20.239 --> 00:48:26.880
I want to ask you too, because a big part of breaking up with somebody is not wanting to see them with somebody else.
00:48:27.280 --> 00:48:44.480
So did you kind of have that like when you were thinking about forgiving your ex or you mean as a a reason to get back together or yeah, getting back together and even to you know, when you break up, it's just something that kind of keeps you in the relationship for longer.
00:48:44.800 --> 00:48:46.559
I don't want to see them with somebody else.
00:48:46.719 --> 00:48:47.920
Like I would rather die.
00:48:48.639 --> 00:48:53.280
Yeah, I mean, God, do you ever really want to see your ex with someone else anyway?
00:48:53.519 --> 00:48:54.480
That's a good question.
00:48:54.719 --> 00:49:00.079
I think that can definitely be part of it, maybe even subconsciously.
00:49:01.440 --> 00:49:10.159
I think in my relationship it was just that person was my best friend, and dating is so hard and getting to know someone is so hard.
00:49:10.320 --> 00:49:19.920
And especially for someone like me, I am very picky and I am picky on who I open up to and let my guard down with.
00:49:20.400 --> 00:49:23.599
But that definitely plays into it.
00:49:23.679 --> 00:49:38.159
I think especially if you end a relationship and it's amicable, it's almost worse because you're friendly with them, and you're also you're also like, wow, I'm friends with you, and I still can see that you're dating people.
00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:42.559
I remember my first real love when we broke up.
00:49:42.719 --> 00:49:50.079
We didn't even really break up, we almost just kind of just moved on from each other because we left college.
00:49:50.559 --> 00:49:54.079
And I was always like, I can't imagine him with someone else.
00:49:54.320 --> 00:49:56.880
I can't imagine me with someone else in the beginning, obviously.
00:49:56.960 --> 00:50:13.440
And then when you start seeing that and seeing someone move on and date other people, it just becomes normal, but it's weird at first, especially in your 20s, because you only have a handful of relationships that are really meaningful to you, or you're only a couple times you really love someone.
00:50:13.599 --> 00:50:13.760
Yeah.
00:50:13.920 --> 00:50:25.360
And I think if you the thought of them with someone else makes you sick, then you know that you actually love that person or love them and you hold a piece of them in your heart.
00:50:26.079 --> 00:50:33.760
If you don't care, which I've had a relationship like that where the person moved on, I am I could not care less.
00:50:33.920 --> 00:50:36.880
So I feel like you know great, fine.
00:50:37.199 --> 00:50:38.800
That was like my relationship, yeah.
00:50:39.119 --> 00:50:56.400
Yeah, and I feel then you just know maybe that wasn't love, but yeah, I think that is definitely a reason people probably stay in relationships longer than they should, because they don't want that person to be with someone else, even if you're not the one who wants them.
00:50:56.719 --> 00:51:04.719
I will argue though, because like I I mean, I definitely struggle with self-esteem issues, maybe like potentially abandonment issues, but I have a big thing on that I don't want to be replaced.
00:51:05.039 --> 00:51:13.440
I think that's a big reason where I'm like, ah, he's gonna love love them more and the family's gonna love them more and all these things, whereas just who cares, you know.
00:51:13.679 --> 00:51:24.000
And I think that's something I wish I could tell teenage self and 20-year-old self because now that I'm in my 30s, I've seen so much and I've experienced so much that I just know I'm gonna find love again.
00:51:24.159 --> 00:51:28.079
I know I'm gonna find another guy that has a great family and all of these things that I thought were irreplaceable.
00:51:28.320 --> 00:51:35.760
So, like if you are in your teens or your 20s and you're like have that mindset of like, I'm never gonna find someone like this person again.
00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:41.199
Let me tell you, not only will you meet them, but you will meet better, more evolved versions of them.
00:51:41.440 --> 00:51:43.440
There are 8 billion people on this planet.
00:51:43.599 --> 00:51:54.400
You are going to have much greater loves than this person, and you deserve more than somebody that like had the audacity to literally make the decision to cheat on you.
00:51:54.480 --> 00:51:55.679
And it just sucks at first.
00:51:55.760 --> 00:52:03.119
And like, I will say, like, that was a big thing is I hated the thought of the hockey playing ex-boyfriend being with somebody else.
00:52:03.199 --> 00:52:08.480
And I think that kept me in the relationship for a lot longer than I should have been.
00:52:08.719 --> 00:52:12.960
But you have to think about it from the same 80-year-old perspective alternative.
00:52:13.199 --> 00:52:18.639
Am I happy that I stayed with somebody that I wasn't fully happy with and that I knew I wasn't fully happy with?
00:52:18.800 --> 00:52:21.119
Cause like now me and that guy are friends.
00:52:21.360 --> 00:52:26.239
Funny enough, um, so literally a bridesmaid in his sister's wedding a year ago.
00:52:26.320 --> 00:52:29.280
And like he was there and we're friends, and I met his ex-girlfriend.
00:52:29.360 --> 00:52:30.719
And I say we're friends very loosely.
00:52:30.880 --> 00:52:33.360
Like, we do not talk on a consistent basis.
00:52:33.519 --> 00:52:38.880
We're friends in the fact that we are amicable, we follow each other on Instagram, we do not speak, we do not cross any weird boundaries.
00:52:39.119 --> 00:52:41.360
I mean, me, I mean this guy dated for like eight years.
00:52:41.440 --> 00:52:43.679
And so, like, obviously, I became very close with his family.
00:52:43.840 --> 00:52:45.440
I became very close with his sisters.
00:52:45.760 --> 00:52:46.320
You're friendly.
00:52:46.960 --> 00:52:48.400
Yeah, and he was okay with it.
00:52:48.559 --> 00:52:55.920
I think it would have been something where if the girlfriend, his current girlfriend at the time, or he had been uncomfortable with it, I would have been like, absolutely not.
00:52:56.159 --> 00:53:02.719
But it's just, you know, every relationship will work out the way it's supposed to, and you just can't worry about being replaced.
00:53:02.880 --> 00:53:10.719
I literally was at the wedding with him and his girlfriend watching them dance XYZ and did not feel a ping of affection for this man.
00:53:11.039 --> 00:53:14.639
Once you're away from the relationship, truly just have to give it time.
00:53:14.800 --> 00:53:19.760
You will not care if this person what happens to them at all in any way, shape, or form.
00:53:19.920 --> 00:53:20.800
It's just a time thing.
00:53:20.960 --> 00:53:23.840
It sucks in the beginning, and just mute them on everything.
00:53:24.079 --> 00:53:25.519
Have to go no contact.
00:53:25.679 --> 00:53:29.119
As much as it sucks, it's just, it's just gonna make you feel bad.
00:53:29.199 --> 00:53:30.159
It never helps.
00:53:30.400 --> 00:53:31.920
Mute them on everything.
00:53:32.239 --> 00:53:36.559
Do not look at what they're doing, do not think about what they're doing, and just focus on you.
00:53:36.639 --> 00:53:38.400
Put all your energy back into yourself.
00:53:38.480 --> 00:53:43.280
And there will become a day where you wake up and you just do not care if they're dating somebody now.
00:53:43.519 --> 00:53:47.280
But I think until that point, just don't think about it.
00:53:47.440 --> 00:53:54.000
Don't ask, don't look, don't do that to yourself because you will not care eventually, you know?
00:53:54.159 --> 00:53:54.559
Yeah.
00:53:54.800 --> 00:53:59.119
Because I just Yeah, and I think you're also just you're not replaceable, you know.
00:53:59.519 --> 00:54:03.920
You're an individual and you made an impact in that person's life and their family.
00:54:04.159 --> 00:54:05.760
You dated for a long time.
00:54:06.079 --> 00:54:08.559
You that's just not that's you're not replaceable.
00:54:08.639 --> 00:54:12.159
It's not oh, I'm gonna substitute Michelle in for this new person.
00:54:12.320 --> 00:54:29.440
It's just that that, you know, it didn't work out and they're gonna find someone, you're gonna find someone, but you know, they they'll always remember, you know, it's always gonna be it's just a different person, it's not let's get a carbon copy, you know.
00:54:29.679 --> 00:54:34.079
No, and one could say too, it's like pretty fucked up to stay with somebody for that reason.
00:54:34.239 --> 00:54:39.519
Like if somebody said, I'm only with you because I don't want to see you with somebody else, it would be like, please break up with me.
00:54:39.679 --> 00:54:42.800
Please let me be with somebody else because that's such a terrible reason.
00:54:42.880 --> 00:54:56.880
So it's kind of one of those things where if that is a sole thing that like you were staying in the relationship because you just or a sole reason for getting back together with somebody that cheated you because you're just like, I don't want to see them with somebody else, do not let that be because you will find somebody better.
00:54:57.039 --> 00:54:57.760
I promise you that.
00:54:57.920 --> 00:55:02.960
Because like I think about all the time how him cheating on me changed the entire trajectory of my life.
00:55:03.199 --> 00:55:09.039
Like, yeah, I did not want kids and I did not want to make like I did not want to get married.
00:55:09.199 --> 00:55:10.960
Like I've I've known that about myself.
00:55:11.119 --> 00:55:16.000
Um, and he, Colin, the one that cheated on me, really wanted kids and really wanted to get married.
00:55:16.079 --> 00:55:26.239
That's why him introducing me to a pastor that he wanted to marry us just felt so bizarre because we had gotten into actual arguments where he was just like, please tell me there's just a chance that you want to get married to me.
00:55:26.320 --> 00:55:28.320
And I was just like, this just isn't something I want.
00:55:28.480 --> 00:55:29.599
Like, I don't want kids.
00:55:29.760 --> 00:55:33.039
I want to live my life for me, and like I don't want to have to give that up.
00:55:33.280 --> 00:55:35.920
And he just couldn't grasp that.
00:55:36.079 --> 00:55:43.440
And I think that I eventually just the place that he had me in would have convinced me to marry him and have his kids.
00:55:44.000 --> 00:55:51.440
And so I just think like now I'm living out in LA, I'm, you know, doing social media, which is something I could never even dream of doing.
00:55:51.599 --> 00:55:55.199
And I love doing it, it's like my most rewarding job that I've ever had.
00:55:55.440 --> 00:55:56.559
Um, skateboarding.
00:55:56.639 --> 00:56:01.280
I didn't even start skateboarding until I moved out here and I'm already sponsored essentially.
00:56:01.519 --> 00:56:05.840
Um, and so there's all of these things where it's like, I'm living my dream life now.
00:56:06.000 --> 00:56:17.199
And had this man not cheated on me, I genuinely think I would have stayed in that relationship out of a place of like abandonment, out of because like how he had just gotten me into this really dark place.
00:56:17.599 --> 00:56:21.679
And I think I just would have stayed in it because I had this belief that I was never gonna do better.
00:56:21.840 --> 00:56:27.039
So, like, that's why in the beginning of this podcast, I was like, congratulations, because it freed me.
00:56:27.199 --> 00:56:29.360
Like I was in a prison and it freed me.
00:56:29.519 --> 00:56:32.880
And you know, a few months after we broke up is when I decided I was gonna move to LA.
00:56:32.960 --> 00:56:33.840
I'd never been here before.
00:56:34.000 --> 00:56:37.280
I just had a gut feeling and I followed it, and it's changed my life.
00:56:37.360 --> 00:56:39.360
I'm literally out here and I'm living my dream life.
00:56:39.440 --> 00:56:40.800
And obviously, there's ups and downs.
00:56:40.880 --> 00:56:45.599
I'm not saying my life is perfect by any means, but but it's just to think that this is my life now.
00:56:45.760 --> 00:57:08.880
My whole family's in Georgia, having children, being married to someone that's probably cheating on me, probably gaslighting me into thinking I'm this person I'm not, where it's just him cheating on me is the best thing that ever happened to me because I started the journaling, it shifted my mindset, it shifted everything, like how I dated, how I felt about myself, all of these things to where I would not be in the amazing, happy, like place that I'm in today had he not done that to me.
00:57:09.039 --> 00:57:09.440
Yeah.
00:57:09.599 --> 00:57:10.719
So thank you, Colin.
00:57:11.199 --> 00:57:13.679
Thank you, Colin, because you actually did change my life.
00:57:14.239 --> 00:57:15.199
He did you a favor.
00:57:15.599 --> 00:57:16.239
Such a favor.
00:57:18.000 --> 00:57:24.559
They I feel I really feel like everything happens for a reason and leads you to where you're supposed to go.
00:57:24.639 --> 00:57:30.639
And obviously, even if it's so painful, you grow from it, and that growth just propels you forward.
00:57:30.800 --> 00:57:31.039
Right.
00:57:31.440 --> 00:57:46.400
And you know, obviously, there are people who just repeat cycles and patterns and you know, date the same kind of person, but they're not doing the work like you did, which is journaling and reflecting and therapy or whatever it is for for you that works.
00:57:46.639 --> 00:58:02.079
I think a big part of that is not jumping into like the next relationship and actually grieving and and reflecting on everything and being alone and being okay with being alone because I'm the same way when I was single, I was happy as a clam.
00:58:02.480 --> 00:58:06.159
And I could not could not even be bothered at times.
00:58:06.400 --> 00:58:26.480
And it takes like a very special person or a certain connection to actually make that worth it and you know, make it worth it to not spend time with my friends, but spend time with this person or like leave my house to do something with that person instead of just going to sleep at nine o'clock, you know.
00:58:27.199 --> 00:58:28.159
So yeah.
00:58:28.960 --> 00:58:40.559
No, and I will say too, I used to be God, probably pick me is probably the only word for it, but in my 20s, I would do things that I thought guys would think were like hot or cool.
00:58:40.639 --> 00:58:45.440
Or like I'd pretend to have hobbies, like this isn't an actual example, but a great example.
00:58:45.519 --> 00:58:57.360
Like, say that they played golf, I'd pick up golf, which never actually happened, but like to some extent, there definitely wasn't a a situation like that where I would adopt a hobby or a you know, a liking to something because a guy liked it.
00:58:57.599 --> 00:59:02.320
And as I got older, I realized that they actually ate that shit.
00:59:02.880 --> 00:59:04.559
They don't want you to have similar.
00:59:04.719 --> 00:59:07.840
I mean, it's cool if you guys have similarities, but they want you to have your own life.
00:59:08.000 --> 00:59:10.880
They want you to do something because you enjoy doing it.
00:59:11.039 --> 00:59:15.199
They don't want you to cancel your plans because, you know, to see them.
00:59:15.280 --> 00:59:16.639
That's not romantic to them.
00:59:16.880 --> 00:59:21.519
A guy, I don't know if anyone's read the book, it's called Why Men Love Bitches, but she makes an amazing metaphor.
00:59:21.599 --> 00:59:26.400
And I always say it to my friends because it's just such a good example.
00:59:26.559 --> 00:59:29.840
So basically, she said, Men like to hunt.
00:59:30.079 --> 00:59:42.000
So if they, you know, they wake up in the morning at 6 a.m., it's freezing cold, they cover themselves in like paint, whatever, and they trudge through mud and sticks and God knows what else just to shoot a deer.
00:59:42.079 --> 00:59:46.400
And then they're posing with the picture of the deer and they're all smiling and they're all proud of it, right?
00:59:46.880 --> 00:59:48.800
Because he hunted for it, he worked for it.
00:59:49.039 --> 00:59:57.440
Versus if you were to drop a dead deer on their doorstep and they woke up in the morning, they're not gonna be squatting on the ground taking the picture with the deer.
00:59:57.519 --> 01:00:00.639
They're gonna be like, who on earth left a deer on my doorstep?
01:00:00.800 --> 01:00:02.320
Like, this is disgusting.
01:00:02.559 --> 01:00:04.000
Get this dead deer out of here.
01:00:04.159 --> 01:00:06.400
It's probably covered in diseases and God knows what.
01:00:06.559 --> 01:00:13.360
So I'll call tell my friends when they're making themselves be too available for men or like canceling plans or bending over backwards just to date them.
01:00:13.519 --> 01:00:14.639
You're being a dead deer.
01:00:14.800 --> 01:00:15.519
Because it's true.
01:00:15.760 --> 01:00:17.199
Don't dead deer yourself for men.
01:00:17.280 --> 01:00:20.559
Like stick to your own schedule, have your own life and make it.
01:00:20.639 --> 01:00:34.000
So that's like the other thing between my between Colin and then the guy that lied to me, my my last serious boyfriend that I dated, um, is in the relationship with I don't know what should I call him?
01:00:34.559 --> 01:00:35.199
Bob.
01:00:35.440 --> 01:00:37.360
Um with Bob.
01:00:37.679 --> 01:00:42.559
I made it so that my life really didn't change when he left.
01:00:42.719 --> 01:00:45.039
I had the same schedule, I had the spends.
01:00:45.199 --> 01:00:47.280
Obviously, financially, things were a little different.
01:00:47.440 --> 01:00:48.239
Bob was great though.
01:00:48.400 --> 01:00:53.599
Bob actually paid my rent three months after we broke up because he had made the commitment to.
01:00:53.840 --> 01:00:55.920
I I honestly even hate saying bad things.
01:00:56.320 --> 01:01:04.480
But I mean, he took responsibility and you know, it just shows that yeah, he was lying, but he still, I still leveled up in terms of what I was dating.
01:01:04.639 --> 01:01:16.159
Um, and when I was dating Colin, I had given up and sacrificed so much of who I was, and I'd given up so much of my life that when he left, there was this gaping hole where I just felt empty.
01:01:16.320 --> 01:01:20.880
Versus when I broke up with Bob, he left, but there wasn't much of a hole to fill.
01:01:21.039 --> 01:01:23.760
It was sad, and I was like, he's my best friend, and that kind of sucks.
01:01:23.840 --> 01:01:27.039
But he also lied to me, and that's kind of messed up, and I don't deserve that.
01:01:27.360 --> 01:01:31.840
So the healing process after Bob, I really wasn't that sad.
01:01:32.079 --> 01:01:44.960
Like, unfortunately, like I was a little bit, but not as much as like after Colin that that messed me up, and it's because I had a much bigger hole to fill because I'd given up so much of my life and myself to make that relationship work.
01:01:45.199 --> 01:01:54.639
So it's just almost be if you feel super empty and you miss that person so much and you're dying to get back with them after they've literally cheated on you.
01:01:54.800 --> 01:02:00.719
That's a sign, that's a bad sign that you gave up way too much of yourself to make that relationship work.
01:02:00.880 --> 01:02:07.280
You were giving up too much and you need to put that energy back into you before you can even revisit getting back together with that person.
01:02:07.360 --> 01:02:10.559
You need to recalibrate your energy, recalibrate your schedule.
01:02:10.800 --> 01:02:18.320
That's a bad sign if you're missing someone so much to the point of thinking of even getting back together with them without having them do therapy or something.
01:02:18.480 --> 01:02:23.440
There needs to be a solid break in between them cheating on you and getting back together.
01:02:23.519 --> 01:02:30.000
Like they need to prove themselves that they're working on themselves, that you know, you're putting energy into your like there's so much that needs to happen.
01:02:30.239 --> 01:02:30.639
Yeah.
01:02:30.880 --> 01:02:34.320
I mean, it's so easy to lose yourself in relationships like that.
01:02:34.480 --> 01:02:36.960
And I feel your example about the golf thing.
01:02:37.199 --> 01:02:47.360
While it's important to obviously take an interest in your partner's interests and be open to, you know, exploring their hobbies with them and things that they like.
01:02:47.599 --> 01:02:56.800
You also can't pretend you like something when you don't, because then that person also doesn't know who they're started dating, just like with your situation with Bob.
01:02:56.880 --> 01:03:05.599
It's like you didn't really know him, and maybe that's what made it easier in some ways, just to kind of get over it, because you're like, Well, he lied, so I don't really know who he is.
01:03:05.679 --> 01:03:09.199
And our relationship was great for what it was.
01:03:09.360 --> 01:03:13.360
But if you don't really know the person, it's like, what are you even grieving?
01:03:13.519 --> 01:03:15.360
You're like, I don't really know you.
01:03:15.519 --> 01:03:18.000
So exactly that's kind of how it is.
01:03:18.079 --> 01:03:39.360
If you if you kind of are a pick me girl, or or you go through relationships trying to fit into that person's mold and who they want you to be, then you lose yourself, and that person also just never really gets to know the amazing person you are, and then no one makes the right decision because you're like, who who am I even sleeping next to?
01:03:39.599 --> 01:03:40.559
No, a thousand percent.
01:03:40.639 --> 01:03:45.039
And and I I do think that's part of the reason why it was so easy for me to move on from Bob.
01:03:45.119 --> 01:03:46.719
Yeah, because I was like, Who are you?
01:03:46.880 --> 01:03:49.280
Like, I don't even know who you are, like you've been lying.
01:03:49.679 --> 01:03:52.719
Um, yeah, no, but I think that makes up that brings up a good point too.
01:03:52.800 --> 01:03:57.119
Of if you want somebody to miss you and want to be with you, make yourself missable.
01:03:57.360 --> 01:04:00.480
Don't take who you are, be genuine, be real.
01:04:00.639 --> 01:04:04.639
Cause it's just like two, why would you want to attract somebody that doesn't love you for you?
01:04:04.880 --> 01:04:11.360
Because with Bob, it's like he attracted me thinking, okay, the only way this girl is gonna date me is if I do XYZ.
01:04:11.920 --> 01:04:15.199
And then, you know, eventually I find out who he is.
01:04:15.280 --> 01:04:18.079
Like, no one wants to live a lie and have to keep up with the lie.
01:04:18.159 --> 01:04:22.480
Cause eventually it's and why would you want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you for who you are?
01:04:22.719 --> 01:04:24.079
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
01:04:24.400 --> 01:04:27.039
Why would you want to live that lie?
01:04:27.440 --> 01:04:50.960
And it just it would it would start to weigh on him after a while, trying to keep up these disappearance that of someone he's not, and it it robs you both of the experience that you could have had if he was honest, because maybe if he was, you would have loved him for who he was, or maybe not, but at least you would know and yeah, yeah.
01:04:51.039 --> 01:04:55.519
Um I think he made that relationship so in that breakup was nine day.
01:04:55.599 --> 01:04:58.960
Like, I I think I was going on dates a few weeks after, you know.
01:04:59.119 --> 01:05:02.880
It was just and it's simply because I just hadn't I had no idea who he was.
01:05:03.039 --> 01:05:06.800
Like I was just there's nothing to grieve when you don't know the person.
01:05:07.280 --> 01:05:09.920
Yeah, yeah, no, and that's the thing too, is everyone loved Bob.
01:05:10.079 --> 01:05:15.519
Like my all my friends, well, there was one friend that was on to him, and she knew she knew.
01:05:15.920 --> 01:05:19.599
Um, but yeah, the rest of my friends were like, he's so great.
01:05:19.840 --> 01:05:22.320
My family loved him, and I don't know.
01:05:22.559 --> 01:05:24.719
I I don't know, I think everyone eventually too.
01:05:24.800 --> 01:05:25.840
Some people started swaying.
01:05:26.000 --> 01:05:29.280
I think my sisters towards the end started being like, I don't know about Bob.
01:05:29.360 --> 01:05:32.239
And um, yeah, listen to your friends too.
01:05:32.400 --> 01:05:37.360
I will say the majority of your friends have a consensus about the person you're dating.
01:05:37.519 --> 01:05:38.960
Maybe, maybe listen.
01:05:39.280 --> 01:05:47.599
Yeah, because you you have blinders on when you date, and you know, especially if someone's treating you that well, you're just like, Well, what's wrong with him?
01:05:48.079 --> 01:05:48.719
But is he compensating?
01:05:49.519 --> 01:05:52.000
Yeah, if he's treating me this way, what could be wrong?
01:05:52.320 --> 01:05:57.360
I will say there about Bob too is Bob did not let me, not let me, I still did it.
01:05:57.599 --> 01:06:02.159
He we would get in and fights because he didn't like that I had male friends.
01:06:02.800 --> 01:06:04.719
And that that was Bob's fault.
01:06:04.800 --> 01:06:06.320
That's a huge red flag to me.
01:06:06.639 --> 01:06:14.480
If a guy is not okay with you having friends of the opposite gender, um, because it makes me wonder why do you have those?
01:06:14.960 --> 01:06:16.320
Why can you not be friends with women?
01:06:16.639 --> 01:06:17.679
You know, it's weird.
01:06:17.840 --> 01:06:22.320
It's either showing a huge insecurity about that person, or it's another thing.
01:06:22.400 --> 01:06:29.360
If if your partner is accusing you of cheating and you're not cheating, maybe take a look into that because that projection is real.
01:06:29.519 --> 01:06:33.119
I've seen that before where the partner will be like, You're cheating, you're cheating.
01:06:33.280 --> 01:06:35.440
If you're not cheating, they're they might be cheating.
01:06:35.519 --> 01:06:36.960
Yeah, yeah, you might be cheating.
01:06:37.199 --> 01:06:42.960
It is project projecting because they could be like, I know the signs because I'm the signs.
01:06:43.199 --> 01:06:44.079
Yeah, well, too.
01:06:44.159 --> 01:06:47.760
I think you're just paranoid because you're like, Well, I'm doing it, so maybe they're probably doing too.
01:06:48.079 --> 01:06:52.320
Yeah, um, yeah, no, I've I've seen that one a few times as well for sure.
01:06:52.800 --> 01:06:53.199
Yeah.
01:06:53.920 --> 01:07:04.079
So do you think that after dating Bob you were in a healthy space?
01:07:04.480 --> 01:07:06.000
Because you said you started dating right after.
01:07:06.079 --> 01:07:09.199
Do you think that you were in this like a healthy head space?
01:07:09.679 --> 01:07:17.440
Because I remember we would almost laugh about it and and how that went down just because it was so out of it was so obscure.
01:07:17.679 --> 01:07:17.840
Yeah.
01:07:18.159 --> 01:07:20.960
That that kind of lying just doesn't happen very often.
01:07:21.199 --> 01:07:23.679
I feel like it's something you re you watch in like a documentary.
01:07:24.079 --> 01:07:24.880
No, that was crazy.
01:07:25.039 --> 01:07:25.360
Yeah.
01:07:25.599 --> 01:07:26.000
Yeah.
01:07:26.639 --> 01:07:39.360
So how did that affect your ability to again like pick someone or or know or trust yourself or your or your decision making or your intuition?
01:07:39.679 --> 01:07:46.239
I think I didn't see it as this was the person I'm choosing the wrong person.
01:07:46.639 --> 01:07:49.920
Because it's not I chose him knowing that that was the case.
01:07:50.159 --> 01:07:54.159
I kind of saw it as I thought I was choosing someone great and they deceived me.
01:07:54.320 --> 01:07:56.559
I loved the guy, like he was my best friend.
01:07:56.639 --> 01:07:58.880
We were having amazing sex, like the relationship was great.
01:07:58.960 --> 01:08:04.000
There was not like we would get into the fight about the guy friends thing, but other than that, the relationship was like perfect.
01:08:04.079 --> 01:08:07.360
So I was just kind of like, if that's the worst thing about our relationship, great.
01:08:07.519 --> 01:08:11.920
Um, and so when I left, I was I didn't see it as this is a me problem.
01:08:12.079 --> 01:08:15.119
I was like, no, I was deceived by somebody.
01:08:15.199 --> 01:08:19.279
And then the second I realized that he was lying to me, I left.
01:08:19.439 --> 01:08:22.159
So I never saw it as like I'm choosing the wrong person.
01:08:22.319 --> 01:08:29.840
I think had I found out and then stayed and given him chance after chance and he just kept hurting me, I would be like, I need to take a look at why.
01:08:29.920 --> 01:08:34.479
But I mean, the second I realized he wasn't who he was saying he was, out, get your stuff.
01:08:34.560 --> 01:08:34.960
I'm done.
01:08:35.039 --> 01:08:38.000
I don't care that you're paying my bills, I don't care you're doing XYZ, I'll find this again.
01:08:38.239 --> 01:08:39.920
Yeah, you also lived together.
01:08:40.159 --> 01:08:42.159
So that was a little complicated.
01:08:42.479 --> 01:08:48.000
But really soon off the bat, because what happened was I was moving to LA November, like November 1st, I think.
01:08:48.159 --> 01:08:52.720
And I met him September 30th, earlier on that time, September 25th, something like that.
01:08:52.960 --> 01:08:59.439
Um, and so we had like a really intense month in Atlanta, and then he came out to LA and stayed with me.
01:08:59.600 --> 01:09:03.279
And he started being like, You don't need to find a place, I'll get us a place.
01:09:03.439 --> 01:09:07.199
And he was essentially living with me at that point too, because he was coming and staying with me out in LA.
01:09:07.279 --> 01:09:10.560
And then he's we started looking at$20,000 a month homes.
01:09:11.760 --> 01:09:17.760
And so he kind of sold me on like, I'm gonna, you know, make it so that you can just focus on XYZ and I'm gonna pay for all the groceries.
01:09:17.840 --> 01:09:18.319
And that's the thing.
01:09:18.399 --> 01:09:23.520
Like, we were going to Erawan and getting groceries, we were going to Nobu and Malibu, like the man was getting money somehow.
01:09:23.760 --> 01:09:27.840
Um, and so it was one of those things where it's like I had no reason to not believe him.
01:09:28.000 --> 01:09:34.960
And that's when that's when I kind of started to see the faults when all of a sudden he'd be like, I can't pay for this because X, you know, this money hasn't come through.
01:09:35.039 --> 01:09:36.800
And I started being like, Well, why is that?
01:09:37.039 --> 01:09:39.520
You know, you've made it seem like you have all this money, so why is it a problem?
01:09:39.600 --> 01:09:43.279
And I don't want people to think, oh, you were only with him because you had money.
01:09:43.439 --> 01:09:47.520
It's like, no, you were he presented himself as like, this is no problem.
01:09:47.600 --> 01:09:49.199
I'm gonna do this for you, X, Y, Z.
01:09:49.439 --> 01:09:56.479
You know, it's just like like not the only reason I was with him, but it was definitely a perk of being with him, it was great, you know.
01:09:57.119 --> 01:09:58.960
Presented himself as the provider.
01:09:59.279 --> 01:09:59.760
Yeah, yeah.
01:09:59.840 --> 01:10:01.439
And he was like, I was just raised this way.
01:10:01.520 --> 01:10:02.880
And I was like, that's amazing.
01:10:03.039 --> 01:10:09.439
Um yeah, I think from the from the camp, like he lied.
01:10:09.680 --> 01:10:10.800
He we met at a concert.
01:10:10.880 --> 01:10:14.960
He came out to me at a concert and he's like, Are you and your friends coming to the after party?
01:10:15.039 --> 01:10:16.880
And I was with, you know, five of my beautiful friends.
01:10:17.039 --> 01:10:20.000
I was just assuming, you know, he just wants hot girls there.
01:10:20.159 --> 01:10:22.640
You know, I was not thinking this man's trying to date me.
01:10:22.800 --> 01:10:27.119
I ended up finding out later that we had actually been at the same bar the weekend prior.
01:10:27.279 --> 01:10:30.720
And I think he had seen me there and then seen me at the concert.
01:10:30.880 --> 01:10:31.520
Who knows?
01:10:31.600 --> 01:10:32.079
I don't know.
01:10:32.239 --> 01:10:39.039
Yeah, but I do remember I went to this after party after the Drake concert, thinking I'm just going because it's gonna be fun.
01:10:39.199 --> 01:10:44.720
And I actually just ended up talking to him the whole time and being like, this is not somebody I would be can normally attracted to.
01:10:44.960 --> 01:10:48.000
We just had so much fun together, like really hit it off.
01:10:48.319 --> 01:10:51.199
And he was just so great to me and like all these things.
01:10:51.279 --> 01:10:54.720
I really didn't understand even that he had money or anything at that point.
01:10:54.800 --> 01:11:00.720
I thought he just like had friends in the industry, which is really common, especially in places like New York, Atlanta, LA, Miami.
01:11:01.600 --> 01:11:10.319
Um but yeah, no, I I think I'd spent so much time healing after that that I knew it wasn't a me thing, you know?
01:11:10.560 --> 01:11:18.800
Yeah, I think it was just like this person straight up deceived me because I was so great and they knew that I they weren't gonna be able to date me otherwise, essentially.
01:11:18.960 --> 01:11:19.119
Yeah.
01:11:19.279 --> 01:11:27.279
But I think too, like as long as you leave a situation once you start to see the red flags, I think that's the positive sign.
01:11:27.439 --> 01:11:29.439
Because, okay, wait, this is not what I thought it was.
01:11:29.600 --> 01:11:30.399
I'm getting out.
01:11:30.560 --> 01:11:30.880
Yeah.
01:11:31.039 --> 01:11:32.640
Um, I mean, people do lie.
01:11:32.720 --> 01:11:40.880
The first three months you're dating somebody, you're not gonna tell them all your I mean, some people do, but you're not gonna tell them all your trauma and you know, all the bad things about you.
01:11:41.039 --> 01:11:42.399
You're putting your best foot forward.
01:11:42.720 --> 01:11:44.159
And then it comes out later.
01:11:44.479 --> 01:11:51.439
Yeah, and I think he just kept adding to the lie, adding to the lie, and then he got so deep in it where he was just drowning.
01:11:52.000 --> 01:11:53.680
And I didn't even know it was true anymore.
01:11:53.840 --> 01:11:58.399
I just remember like how I found out he was lying was was because of a small lie.
01:11:58.479 --> 01:12:02.159
It was because he lied about losing the keys to my apartment in Atlanta.
01:12:02.399 --> 01:12:02.800
Right.
01:12:03.039 --> 01:12:08.880
And something about him lying about that small thing, it was just I something clicked.
01:12:08.960 --> 01:12:09.600
I can't explain it.
01:12:09.680 --> 01:12:12.640
It was a revelation where I was just like, he's pathological.
01:12:12.800 --> 01:12:16.640
And I just remember for hours, probably two hours, I sat there and I went hung out with you after.
01:12:16.800 --> 01:12:21.039
Yeah, but I remember I was just like, this was a lie, this was a lie, this was a lie.
01:12:21.199 --> 01:12:24.720
And he was just like, Yeah, yeah, what he just wasn't even denying it.
01:12:24.880 --> 01:12:25.680
It was crazy.
01:12:25.920 --> 01:12:29.520
And then we slept in separate bedrooms for like two weeks and he had my location.
01:12:29.600 --> 01:12:31.439
It was a weird breakup situation.
01:12:31.600 --> 01:12:34.960
Yeah, because we're still living together the time, but we were in separate bedrooms, it's weird.
01:12:35.119 --> 01:12:50.399
Um, me and my friend Maggie were supposed to go look at apartments, and instead we packed up my whole apartment, and while Bob was out on a run, and Bob came back as I was loading the last thing in the car, and I literally just went and I stayed with one of my friends for a week and then got an Airbnb.
01:12:50.479 --> 01:12:58.079
I went home for a little bit because I was planning on going home anyways, and then I got an Airbnb in LA, found the apartment that I'm actually living in now, and have been here ever since, and it's been great.
01:12:58.399 --> 01:13:06.640
Yeah, and that's the thing, it's like all the guys I've dated since, like, no one's really like traumatized me, I would say.
01:13:06.800 --> 01:13:14.239
You know, Colin was the the one that really did the um I think the worst.
01:13:14.560 --> 01:13:19.760
Colin Colin and my uh hockey boyfriend, I think they really did a number.
01:13:19.920 --> 01:13:25.920
And to the point though, it's once you get hurt like that, you'll never feel that hurt again.
01:13:26.159 --> 01:13:31.039
You will notice the signs and your brain will register it as like uh-danger.
01:13:31.600 --> 01:13:39.279
And that's what's nice, is like you'll never date a a Colin or a Bob or Hockey Boy Ann or you know, yeah.
01:13:39.600 --> 01:13:41.439
So that's kind of what's nice.
01:13:41.840 --> 01:13:42.720
Yeah, it's true.
01:13:43.920 --> 01:14:05.359
Also, when you're dating, you think things won't happen to you that and then when they do, you're like, Well, I I didn't know that could happen to someone like me because I have high integrity and pick the right people, and then you know, some people just again it's not black and white, but some people just make mistakes and or they're just bad people.
01:14:05.520 --> 01:14:18.079
So everyone's different, but you have to basically separate yourself from those people and take the experience for what it is and how much you can grow and learn from that.
01:14:18.960 --> 01:14:24.319
And obviously being self-aware is really important, I think.
01:14:24.880 --> 01:14:26.000
A lot of people aren't.
01:14:26.479 --> 01:14:47.279
And that's when they make the same mistakes again and fall into the same patterns, or subconsciously choose people who they know are not right for them, or just gonna lead them down a path that they it's almost like you're uncomfortable with growth in some ways, so you just keep picking the same type of partner.
01:14:48.479 --> 01:15:00.159
I feel like in the past I maybe had commitment issues, and I personally was almost picking people who are unavailable because I was scared to be so available just in dating.
01:15:00.399 --> 01:15:15.840
But I feel like the older you get, the more you know yourself and you're more comfortable with who you are, and you're comfortable with having boundaries and being like, you know, this is who I am, this is what I'm gonna tolerate, this is not what I'm gonna tolerate.
01:15:16.159 --> 01:15:17.600
No, and and being alone.
01:15:17.840 --> 01:15:22.399
I think I mean you grow up in you know a house with your parents and your siblings and you're not alone.
01:15:22.560 --> 01:15:24.800
You go to college and you're not really alone.
01:15:25.520 --> 01:15:30.399
I think it takes time alone to realize actually how amazing being alone is.
01:15:30.720 --> 01:15:36.399
I think you need to be so okay with being alone before you date again.
01:15:36.720 --> 01:15:46.239
Because I think that if you are scared of being alone, then you'll stay in the wrong relationships, you'll attract the wrong people because you're also going to attract other people that have that same fear.
01:15:46.479 --> 01:15:46.720
Yeah.
01:15:46.880 --> 01:15:59.359
Um, and I also think too, if you don't take the time to heal after especially getting cheated on or a bad relationship or anything, um, you bring that trauma from the relationship into your next relationship.
01:15:59.520 --> 01:16:01.359
So you may be dating a great person.
01:16:01.520 --> 01:16:07.279
You may have lucked out, date a great person, but you may project, you know, insecurities that your last partner caused onto that person.
01:16:07.359 --> 01:16:08.560
You may be like, what are you doing?
01:16:08.640 --> 01:16:09.199
Who are you with?
01:16:09.279 --> 01:16:17.760
It's not to say that because your ex cheated on you that you're the next person you date is, but it's just being in a place where you know that you're not going to attract somebody like that.
01:16:17.920 --> 01:16:18.239
Yeah.
01:16:18.479 --> 01:16:28.640
Um yeah, I think if you have these unhealed trauma or your healing, I again, I don't think you ever have to be fully healed to be in a relationship because no one is ever really fully healed anyway.
01:16:28.800 --> 01:16:45.039
I think you're always working on yourself, but noticing the patterns of like, okay, I'm projecting right now because this is something that happened in my last relationship, and that's why I'm like acting like this, or I'm snapping, or something like that, like recognizing that in yourself and then moving forward, that is the best thing you can do.
01:16:45.199 --> 01:16:52.880
I think obviously if you're like, oh, I picked my now partner, is so amazing, and why am I acting this way?
01:16:53.119 --> 01:16:58.399
It's likely because you haven't dealt with things from a previous relationship.
01:16:58.640 --> 01:16:59.119
No, for sure.
01:16:59.199 --> 01:17:04.319
And like I was saying earlier, I'm such a firm believer in you attract people on the frequency level that you're at.
01:17:04.560 --> 01:17:15.439
So it's just like if you are putting all your energy into yourself, if you are putting energy towards what you want to do, what you're supposed to be doing, you know, you're taking care of yourself.
01:17:15.760 --> 01:17:18.319
I think you're gonna attract somebody with that same energy.
01:17:18.399 --> 01:17:22.880
And if you're not doing those things, you can't expect to someone to come and, you know.
01:17:23.199 --> 01:17:23.600
Yeah.
01:17:23.920 --> 01:17:33.760
I think that's what happened with Bob because um I was in a place where there was some reason where I wasn't feeling a hundred percent about where I was.
01:17:33.920 --> 01:17:37.680
I think I was in like a really uncertain place with my career, what I was doing.
01:17:37.840 --> 01:17:40.720
Um, I was also about to make a huge life move.
01:17:40.880 --> 01:17:42.640
I was moving, you know, to the West Coast.
01:17:42.800 --> 01:17:44.079
You know, it was a scary thing.
01:17:44.239 --> 01:17:45.680
All my family lives back in Georgia.
01:17:45.840 --> 01:17:48.079
Like, I think it was an uncertain time for me.
01:17:48.239 --> 01:17:55.760
And that was a big financial risk, all these things to where like there's a reason that I attracted somebody that was also in that place.
01:17:55.920 --> 01:18:00.720
Of like maybe his life was uncertain, maybe he was looking for purpose, like maybe I was looking for purpose.
01:18:00.800 --> 01:18:12.479
But yeah, I mean, there's a reason I attracted somebody that was like living a lie, you know, like to some extent, like I either was like just hoping someone to be a distraction, like there is some reason I attracted that energy.
01:18:12.800 --> 01:18:18.239
Maybe scared to make that move by yourself because he eventually he essentially came over there with you.
01:18:18.319 --> 01:18:22.239
So yeah, in some ways that he was like a like a safety blanket.
01:18:22.560 --> 01:18:24.399
And yeah, no, a thousand percent.
01:18:24.640 --> 01:18:32.479
And I will say too, like I'm off topic, don't get a dog if you get cheated on, or don't get a dog or a cat, don't get an animal.
01:18:32.720 --> 01:18:40.800
Because a lot of times I see this really commonly after a bad breakup is people will get a dog or a cat to fill the hole.
01:18:41.039 --> 01:18:41.920
Don't do it.
01:18:42.239 --> 01:18:44.720
Get a dog or a cat because you want a dog or cat.
01:18:44.800 --> 01:18:47.680
Having a dog or cat is a massive responsibility.
01:18:47.760 --> 01:18:52.800
It's going to limit how much you can travel, it's gonna limit how much you can be out during the day.
01:18:52.880 --> 01:18:55.039
It's a huge responsibility.
01:18:55.359 --> 01:19:00.000
Do not get an animal until your hole is filled, until like I am responsible enough.
01:19:00.079 --> 01:19:05.359
I have a yard or I have the time or whatever to take care of this animal because it is not fair to the animal.
01:19:05.600 --> 01:19:06.319
And it's not fair to be able to do it.
01:19:06.399 --> 01:19:07.039
It's a band aid.
01:19:07.439 --> 01:19:08.479
Yeah, it's a band-aid.
01:19:08.800 --> 01:19:14.479
I've just seen it so many times that people get an animal to fix, fill the hole that you need to fill with yourself.
01:19:14.960 --> 01:19:35.279
Being alone, with getting to know yourself, because it's just like if you believe that you deserve somebody that doesn't cheat on you, that treats you well, that's loyal to you, that doesn't lie to you, um, that's you know, whatever your standard is, you have to like put energy into yourself and make yourself like, you know, feel like you're worthy of those things.
01:19:35.439 --> 01:19:45.039
Because if you feel like you deserve those things, but you're not taking care of yourself, like just doing like basic things, take care of yourself, you're not gonna attract that person because you're lying to yourself.
01:19:45.119 --> 01:19:53.279
How you actually, you know, there's gonna be a belief where I don't actually deserve these things, and you're gonna attract somebody that has these same unrealistic expectations.
01:19:53.520 --> 01:20:05.119
Um yeah, I mean, maybe people want an animal after a breakup because they give unconditional love in some ways, and that's what everyone is looking for is unconditional love.
01:20:05.439 --> 01:20:33.520
But yeah, I think I think the same also in couples who you know shouldn't proceed in their marriage, but then end up having a baby because they think that's gonna fix the marriage, and it ends up not fixing things and makes it worse because obviously that's the biggest responsibility in life, and that is the hardest thing because then you are really you're making you're digging yourself into a hole that you can never get out of.
01:20:33.760 --> 01:20:35.199
No, and I mean it's the same, yeah.
01:20:35.359 --> 01:20:39.279
Animals, kids, tattoos, yeah, don't make a permanent decision.
01:20:39.840 --> 01:20:42.960
There's so many things you can do before you take that step.
01:20:43.119 --> 01:20:51.600
But yeah, I mean, I think the ultimate goal, whether you're in a relationship, whether it's happy, unhappy, whatever, is just take a look at your life without that person.
01:20:51.840 --> 01:20:57.600
If this person were to break up with me tomorrow, what would my life look like?
01:20:57.760 --> 01:21:03.359
And if you have a great group of friends, if you have hobbies, if you have, you're gonna be just fine.
01:21:03.680 --> 01:21:07.520
Oh, it'll be sad, but you're gonna be just fine, I think you're in a good spot.
01:21:07.680 --> 01:21:16.720
I think if you're looking at your life, or say you're going through a breakup and you feel empty inside, just know that it's because you were you were dating a drain.
01:21:16.880 --> 01:21:21.840
You're a fountain and you were dating a drain, and they just sucked all the energy and the life out of you.
01:21:21.920 --> 01:21:29.039
And you need to turn your fountain back on and get that baby flowing because the drain's not there anymore, and you need to put that energy back into yourself.
01:21:29.359 --> 01:21:34.399
Um because I think your life shouldn't change when somebody leaves you, you know.
01:21:34.720 --> 01:21:38.880
Even you should be financially okay, you should never be financially responsible or anybody.
01:21:39.039 --> 01:21:44.640
You should be able to break up with your partner and be a hundred percent okay to walk away.
01:21:44.800 --> 01:21:47.039
And that's the only reason you should be in a relationship.
01:21:47.279 --> 01:21:51.920
If your life or your relationship isn't like that, write down what you need to do and figure it out.
01:21:52.239 --> 01:21:54.399
Yeah, um, because you never yeah.
01:21:54.720 --> 01:21:55.520
Yeah, I agree.
01:21:55.600 --> 01:22:15.039
I think if you're not with that person and your life has stayed the same in the way that you're still working at your work going after your dreams, doing what you want to do, spending time with your friends, not you didn't make like sane sacrifices that changed who you were and where you lose yourself.
01:22:15.119 --> 01:22:47.359
I think if all of that is good, all of your your life is stable without that person, and you still want that person back, or you still feel like I just really care about this person, I really miss them, and I'm not talking about like someone who cheated on you or was emotionally abusive or any of that, but then you'll know for sure if the relationship is something that you they you'll know for sure if you really miss that person for real, or if if you just miss the comfortability of being with someone.
01:22:47.680 --> 01:22:49.920
Yeah, yeah, the companionship.
01:22:50.079 --> 01:22:54.479
Yeah, um, and you should love being with yourself that much, genuinely.
01:22:55.039 --> 01:22:58.880
You should have those same feelings towards time to your self-reflection.
01:22:59.039 --> 01:23:10.000
It's so important to keep yourself accountable and you know, make sure that you're in the relationship for the right reasons, that you're doing what you need to do, that you're not sacrificing too much of your time, your energy, time by yourself.
01:23:10.079 --> 01:23:12.000
It cannot emphasize enough, is so important.
01:23:12.159 --> 01:23:14.960
There's no reason you should be with somebody all of the time.
01:23:15.119 --> 01:23:19.039
There's no reason somebody should be your only friend or the main person that you see.
01:23:19.199 --> 01:23:27.920
The amount of time you spend with your partner should be equal to the amount of time you spend with your friends, spend doing your hobby, um, your family, I guess if you're close to them.
01:23:28.000 --> 01:23:32.800
Like there should be a balance because when that person leaves, that's when you're gonna feel a hole in your life.
01:23:32.880 --> 01:23:35.119
And it's just you don't that's another thing.
01:23:35.199 --> 01:23:39.279
You don't want to look back when you're 80 and be like, I spent all of my time with this one person.
01:23:39.359 --> 01:23:44.319
I I, you know, limited myself so much in my life, just you know, with one being.
01:23:44.479 --> 01:23:46.880
That's nobody's there's that's nobody's purpose.
01:23:47.039 --> 01:23:53.359
Like life is meant to, you know, make relationships with multiple people, experience different things, try new things that you wouldn't try.
01:23:53.439 --> 01:23:56.399
Like live your life for you, don't live your life for somebody else.
01:23:56.640 --> 01:24:03.920
Yeah, it's important to keep maintain your relationships with your friends just as much as it's important to maintain the relationship with your partner.
01:24:04.079 --> 01:24:10.880
So you have to and your family, but you have to, you know, spend time with those people.
01:24:10.960 --> 01:24:13.840
And honestly, it makes your relationship better when you have your own thing.
01:24:14.079 --> 01:24:15.119
You miss that person more.
01:24:15.359 --> 01:24:23.119
You you want it makes the time that you actually spend together even better because you're like, I haven't seen you in a couple of days.
01:24:23.199 --> 01:24:34.640
I I or even hours that we're miss this person, and it just makes the relationship stronger in that way that you can like be secure enough and happy enough to spend time with the other people that you love.
01:24:34.880 --> 01:24:35.359
No, for sure.
01:24:35.439 --> 01:24:39.520
And like God forbid the day comes where something happens, they cheat on you, whatever.
01:24:39.760 --> 01:24:42.239
You need you're gonna need a friend group.
01:24:42.319 --> 01:24:43.680
You're gonna need people there for you.
01:24:43.920 --> 01:24:48.239
No one likes that friend that all of a sudden reappears when you know they're going through a bad breakup.
01:24:48.319 --> 01:24:50.000
It's that's not fair to anybody, you know.
01:24:51.199 --> 01:24:52.079
And that's a thing too.
01:24:52.159 --> 01:24:56.399
It's um start doing what you love, start doing the things that you've always wanted to do.
01:24:56.560 --> 01:24:59.520
It's never literally too late, you're never too old.
01:24:59.840 --> 01:25:04.720
Start putting energy into things you love, start thinking about what the 80-year-old version would want you to do.
01:25:04.880 --> 01:25:21.840
Because I think even me posting on social media, I lived so long in this world where I cared so much what people thought about me and I needed everybody to like me and what social media has done for me, and and seeing not everyone's gonna agree with me, trust me, everyone's gonna agree with me.
01:25:22.000 --> 01:25:24.640
Um, I think most people aren't gonna agree with you.
01:25:24.800 --> 01:25:29.359
And I think you have to think about it from the perspective of you don't really like most people either, you know?
01:25:29.520 --> 01:25:35.199
And if everyone's agreeing with you and everyone likes you all the time, you're probably not living your truth and being yourself.
01:25:35.439 --> 01:25:47.840
I think you just have to know if a partner with friends, with anybody, if you are living your truth, if you are doing the hobbies you want to do, if you are living your life how you would want to live it, you're going to attract people that mirror that.
01:25:48.079 --> 01:25:52.239
So just know you will attract a partner that mirrors, you know, back that same way.
01:25:52.319 --> 01:25:58.880
And like that's the thing is lateboarding has brought like so much self-love and so much self-worth because it's a hobby that I'm working towards and I love doing it.
01:25:58.960 --> 01:26:00.720
And I've met people who also love doing it.
01:26:00.800 --> 01:26:06.560
And it's just brought so much into my life where it's just one of those things where like I can't even imagine my life without that thing.
01:26:06.720 --> 01:26:12.560
And had that horrible thing not happened to me, and had I not had this massive hole to fill, I wouldn't have started skating again.
01:26:12.640 --> 01:26:17.199
Cause I I did start skating 20, broke up 2022.
01:26:17.359 --> 01:26:19.439
Yeah, I started skating in 2023.
01:26:19.840 --> 01:26:30.000
Um, and so it's just like, you know, just start replacing that hole, not with animals, not with anyone living, nothing with the pulse, nothing with the heartbeat.
01:26:30.319 --> 01:26:32.640
Um, and just things that would make you happy.
01:26:32.800 --> 01:26:39.359
Do the thing you always wanted to do when you were younger or that your older version of yourself wants you to do, and just stop living your life for other people.
01:26:39.439 --> 01:26:40.640
It does not matter.
01:26:40.960 --> 01:26:50.399
Yeah, because once you're then in a relationship and if it ends, or even if you spend time apart, you don't lose your friends.
01:26:50.560 --> 01:26:54.319
You don't have to rebuild relationships because you have them there the whole time.
01:26:54.479 --> 01:26:56.479
You're not abandoning yourself.
01:26:56.800 --> 01:27:00.000
Yeah, and like even with skateboarding, it's just made myself worth so high.
01:27:00.159 --> 01:27:04.159
I truly think that's just why I don't put up with stuff now because it's just allowed me to really believe in myself.
01:27:04.319 --> 01:27:05.359
Look what I'm capable of.
01:27:05.600 --> 01:27:06.319
Look what I'm saying.
01:27:07.279 --> 01:27:11.279
Yeah, so it's just one of those things where I believe in myself so much now.
01:27:11.520 --> 01:27:15.119
And so I think I'm really great, and I think that's why I attract these men.
01:27:15.199 --> 01:27:18.399
Like I now I attract men who like think I'm the coolest person ever.
01:27:18.720 --> 01:27:36.319
You know, I've seen you skateboarding, and it's crazy how far you've come from literally the beginning where you were taking lessons to now and just watching you, and it's really inspiring because you really went with your hobby and you you kept it going.
01:27:36.479 --> 01:27:37.760
And a lot of people just abandon that.
01:27:37.840 --> 01:27:40.640
They're like, Oh, I'm gonna try this for a while and then abandon it.
01:27:40.720 --> 01:27:41.680
But you actually did it.
01:27:42.079 --> 01:27:43.520
Well, I will say, I mean, two things.
01:27:43.600 --> 01:27:44.720
I think sometimes you have to.
01:27:44.800 --> 01:27:48.079
I've I've tried so many things too since skateboarding that haven't worked out.
01:27:48.239 --> 01:27:50.880
I actually tried doing my own podcast and didn't work out, you know.
01:27:50.960 --> 01:27:55.199
Yeah, but it's sometimes you have to try and fail at something to be like that wasn't meant for me, and you know what?
01:27:55.359 --> 01:27:56.560
Now I know it wasn't meant for me.
01:27:56.640 --> 01:28:01.760
And people can say all they want, they can be like, you know, she made a podcast and And didn't want to, you know, I just didn't love it.
01:28:01.840 --> 01:28:03.439
It was a lot of work and it wasn't for me.
01:28:03.600 --> 01:28:07.600
And skateboarding too, like I skate at Venice Beach Skate Park.
01:28:07.760 --> 01:28:09.199
Um, that's my local.
01:28:09.520 --> 01:28:13.600
And you have, you know, 50 to 100 people at a time watching you skate.
01:28:13.840 --> 01:28:16.000
And you fall sometimes and you mess up.
01:28:16.239 --> 01:28:22.800
And, you know, it's just like being okay with people and realizing you're not perfect or realizing you're not, you know, is great.
01:28:22.880 --> 01:28:27.199
But that's the thing is most people when I tell them I've been skating for in bowls, I've only been skating in bowls for two years.
01:28:27.279 --> 01:28:28.720
Now I started that in 2024.
01:28:28.880 --> 01:28:32.479
But when I tell people that, they're like, I thought you've been skating your entire life.
01:28:32.560 --> 01:28:32.720
Yeah.
01:28:32.960 --> 01:28:38.720
You know, they're like astonished that you can just learn that like caliber of skating, I guess, in such a short amount of time.
01:28:38.800 --> 01:28:44.000
But if I just get hyper-fixated, I guess, and really kind of my all, it's my whole life now.
01:28:44.239 --> 01:28:52.079
But um, I think it's it's more to say, just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks because you're not living your life for other people.
01:28:52.239 --> 01:28:57.199
So don't stay in a relationship because you people are gonna say, Oh, you you guys broke up or your relationship.
01:28:57.359 --> 01:28:59.760
You know, stop living your life for other people.
01:29:00.000 --> 01:29:00.960
Do what you want to do.
01:29:01.119 --> 01:29:03.600
People are gonna say either way, and it's just news cycle.
01:29:03.680 --> 01:29:05.840
People care for like three days and they never talk about it again.
01:29:06.000 --> 01:29:08.960
Like everyone's just really focused on themselves all the time.
01:29:09.199 --> 01:29:11.760
And, you know, you're really just not that interesting anyway.
01:29:11.840 --> 01:29:14.399
They'll they'll say something for a day and then they'll be on to the next thing.
01:29:14.479 --> 01:29:19.840
So don't stay in a relationship because you're worried, you know, Mary Lou is gonna come in and date your man.
01:29:20.000 --> 01:29:23.359
Please let Mary Lou date your man because she's gonna get traumatized just like you did.
01:29:23.600 --> 01:29:26.560
The same way that he cheated on her and disrespected her.
01:29:26.720 --> 01:29:28.560
I promise you, he's not gonna change for another girl.
01:29:28.640 --> 01:29:34.399
Unless this man goes and does serious therapy, he's not gonna, he's not gonna change at all.
01:29:34.560 --> 01:29:35.920
He's gonna do that to Mary Lou.
01:29:36.159 --> 01:29:42.880
And not only is he gonna do it to Mary Lou, he's gonna do it in every relationship for the rest of his life until he heals up for himself or until he can't pull girls anymore.
01:29:43.039 --> 01:29:48.399
But like you can't, you know, stay stay with somebody for the belief that what if they change for somebody else, they're not.
01:29:48.640 --> 01:29:49.039
They're not.
01:29:49.199 --> 01:29:53.359
If they too change and they don't come back to you, that's not your person.
01:29:53.520 --> 01:29:56.560
You know, that person's not meant for you, and you will date somebody better.
01:29:56.800 --> 01:30:00.720
I have seen it every single time I date somebody, they're a level up than the last person I need without.
01:30:01.199 --> 01:30:13.279
I think a lot of people worry about, you know, if you're the one who put so much into the relationship and helped them grow and opened their eyes, that they're gonna it's all my work is gonna go to someone else.
01:30:13.359 --> 01:30:18.399
And I think that is something people struggle with in moving on or breaking up with someone.
01:30:19.039 --> 01:30:22.399
That's all my effort that someone else is gonna reap the benefits of.
01:30:22.640 --> 01:30:35.279
But at the same time, it's like you said, really the relationship that matters is the one with yourself, and if you have a strong enough relationship with yourself, it it won't affect you as much.
01:30:35.600 --> 01:30:36.239
Also, too.
01:30:36.319 --> 01:30:41.760
Let me just tell you you will never ever waste your time like that on or energy like that on a man again.
01:30:42.000 --> 01:30:51.359
Like the the more I date, the less energy I put into changing somebody or fixing them or buying their clothes or changing, no, when accept them for who they are when you meet them.
01:30:51.600 --> 01:30:59.119
If you are upset that you they're gonna, you know, you put all this time and energy into them and you know, some someone else gets to read the benefits.
01:30:59.279 --> 01:31:03.840
You need to look at why did I put so much time and energy into fixing this man?
01:31:04.000 --> 01:31:08.399
Why didn't I have a belief in myself to just go find that person?
01:31:08.560 --> 01:31:17.039
Because when you do that, you have a belief about yourself that I'm not able to find another relationship, therefore I have to fix that person.
01:31:17.199 --> 01:31:17.439
Yeah.
01:31:17.600 --> 01:31:27.680
So you dump all of your time, all of your precious time and energy that you should be putting back into yourself, into this other person, because you have a belief about yourself that you're not gonna be able to find that otherwise.
01:31:27.760 --> 01:31:38.720
And it's like, no, if you did that in your last relationship, you need to look in the mirror and say, why do I have this belief that I'm not gonna, you know, find somebody that loves me the way that I need to be loved?
01:31:38.800 --> 01:31:43.680
Like, why did I feel the need to fix this person instead of just breaking up with them and finding someone that does?
01:31:43.920 --> 01:31:53.520
And I think a lot of that can be chalked up to like if you're young, if you're in your teens or your 20s, a lot of times that's just lack of experience in dating where you just haven't seen it firsthand.
01:31:53.600 --> 01:31:59.840
But if you're in your 30s and 40s and you're still trying to fix people, you need to really spend time alone and take a look in the mirror.
01:32:00.079 --> 01:32:06.079
Because if you haven't seen that by your 30s and 40s, then that you are a prize and that anyone would be lucky to date you.
01:32:06.319 --> 01:32:09.359
You need to build yourself up into a place where you do feel like that.
01:32:09.600 --> 01:32:11.920
Because people are replaceable.
01:32:12.079 --> 01:32:16.560
If that, if if a relationship goes wrong, it's not because one person's better than the other.
01:32:16.720 --> 01:32:18.479
Truly, all of that's just so subjective.
01:32:18.640 --> 01:32:23.119
It's just that person wasn't good for you, the same way you weren't good for that person.
01:32:23.199 --> 01:32:25.279
It's nothing personal, it's just you're different.
01:32:25.359 --> 01:32:27.119
You want different things, you're different people.
01:32:27.199 --> 01:32:30.319
No one's better than the you weren't in the same place, you wanted different things.
01:32:30.479 --> 01:32:35.840
And so and that the difference between like dating or marrying potential versus like growing together.
01:32:36.079 --> 01:32:51.199
So obviously you could you could try to fix someone if they're not doing it on their own and you're supporting them, if you're the one putting all of the effort into just having them change or be this other person, like that's that's not healthy and that's not good.
01:32:51.520 --> 01:32:55.439
Like you you obviously it's important to grow together in a relationship.
01:32:55.600 --> 01:33:05.840
Obviously, this person doesn't have to be like top success, but they have to have that ambition and that has to be there without you in the picture, regardless.
01:33:06.000 --> 01:33:13.840
And it can't obviously you can inspire someone to like be better and grow, but like they have to make those moves themselves.
01:33:14.159 --> 01:33:14.640
For sure.
01:33:14.800 --> 01:33:17.199
And too, like you're saying, you just you change.
01:33:17.359 --> 01:33:26.159
If I look back at the people I've dated in my you know, my teens and my twenties, what I want now is so different, and who I am so different, you're just gonna change.
01:33:26.319 --> 01:33:27.199
You're still a baby.
01:33:27.359 --> 01:33:28.479
Me at 34 years old.
01:33:28.720 --> 01:33:33.199
Sorry, I'm still extremely young, and it almost takes being 34 to realize that that's still young.
01:33:33.359 --> 01:33:36.239
I genuinely think you're young up until you're like 50, honestly.
01:33:36.399 --> 01:33:38.960
And then you kind of start being in an adult.
01:33:39.119 --> 01:33:44.399
Um, but you're just especially before your prefrontal cortex is like fully developed at 25.
01:33:44.800 --> 01:33:53.760
I can't even imagine getting married at 25 and how different I am as a person now, just in the way I know myself.
01:33:54.159 --> 01:34:00.720
I mean, I just think about the person I was in my 20s versus who I am now and what I want and all of these things, and it's just night and day.
01:34:00.960 --> 01:34:03.760
I'm such a firm believer in please don't get married in your 20s.
01:34:03.920 --> 01:34:06.239
Please do not, for the love of God, get married in your 20s.
01:34:06.319 --> 01:34:10.239
I remember when I was 25, I was with the hockey player and our relationship was kind of starting to go downhill.
01:34:10.319 --> 01:34:13.359
And I've never wanted to get more married or have a child more in my life.
01:34:13.840 --> 01:34:14.239
Mm-hmm.
01:34:14.560 --> 01:34:18.880
Because I was like, I need this will fix our relationship.
01:34:19.199 --> 01:34:19.920
I love this person.
01:34:20.000 --> 01:34:20.880
He's my best friend.
01:34:20.960 --> 01:34:24.560
And if we get married and have children, it'll, it's just what we need to do.
01:34:24.720 --> 01:34:29.039
It's just I was looking instead of just realizing, you know, maybe we've outgrown each other.
01:34:29.119 --> 01:34:33.359
We've it's been like, you know, eight years of on and off, four years of living together.
01:34:33.600 --> 01:34:35.039
Maybe we're just different people now.
01:34:35.119 --> 01:34:36.079
We want different things.
01:34:36.239 --> 01:34:39.199
Um, and I was like, no, marriage and kids, marriage and kids.
01:34:39.279 --> 01:34:40.640
I that will that will fix it.
01:34:40.720 --> 01:34:43.840
And then we can be best friends and I can be in his family forever and no one will ever leave me.
01:34:43.920 --> 01:34:48.880
And what we ended up doing was breaking up because we, you know, we're different people and changed.
01:34:49.039 --> 01:34:53.760
And I think that's just part of being in your 20s is figuring out what you do like, what you want.
01:34:54.000 --> 01:34:59.840
And I think a lot of times, like like you said, that's the hardest relationship to get over, is the ones where it is amicable.
01:35:00.239 --> 01:35:09.920
Because I think, you know, it's just hard to be like we just want different things and we're just different people and everything else is fine, the relationship is perfect.
01:35:10.399 --> 01:35:12.000
But it's just time, dude.
01:35:12.319 --> 01:35:16.479
Eventually, eventually you move on, and eventually, like you will be okay.
01:35:16.800 --> 01:35:17.840
And I think that's well.
01:35:17.920 --> 01:35:33.920
I also think if you have different if you want different things and you don't align on certain things, and like maybe it's the micro things and the macro things are okay, or vice versa, like that, those are the signs that that the relationship isn't perfect.
01:35:34.319 --> 01:35:41.520
So maybe you get along with them and you're you're able to laugh and have fun with them, but those other things don't work.
01:35:41.760 --> 01:35:44.239
So the relationship just isn't right.
01:35:44.399 --> 01:35:52.800
And it doesn't mean that it's there's maliciousness or there's some big drama around it, but like those things matter.
01:35:52.960 --> 01:35:55.840
So uh it's easy to avoid talking about those things.
01:35:56.000 --> 01:36:06.319
And I encourage people when they're dating to talk about the things that they want in a relationship, like right away, especially the older you are, because you just you don't want to waste your time.
01:36:06.479 --> 01:36:10.560
But you need to know right off the bat like, does this person want kids, marriage?
01:36:10.960 --> 01:36:11.840
Are they spiritual?
01:36:12.000 --> 01:36:13.520
Like, how are we gonna raise kids?
01:36:13.600 --> 01:36:16.159
All of these things that non-negotiable, like also, yeah.
01:36:16.239 --> 01:36:19.359
And if those things scare the person, they're also not right for you either.
01:36:19.520 --> 01:36:25.520
If they scare if that scares them to talk about on like day one, two, or three, then bye.
01:36:26.159 --> 01:36:27.439
Yeah, I mean, that's a thing.
01:36:27.520 --> 01:36:30.800
It's that's really important to you and it's not important to the other person, then problem solve.
01:36:30.880 --> 01:36:33.359
Because like someone brought that up to day one, two, or three and me.
01:36:33.520 --> 01:36:36.479
I mean, I think I would honestly, I'm such an open-minded person.
01:36:36.560 --> 01:36:39.439
I think I would just be like, no, you know, I don't.
01:36:39.680 --> 01:36:40.720
I'm glad you asked.
01:36:40.880 --> 01:36:47.359
Um, but I think too with Colin, like we met during a time where like I hadn't been living in Atlanta.
01:36:47.439 --> 01:36:48.000
I was COVID.
01:36:48.159 --> 01:36:49.199
I didn't have any friends.
01:36:49.359 --> 01:36:51.600
I would, I mean, my sister was my best friend at the time.
01:36:51.680 --> 01:36:53.840
I had been living with her and we kind of had a falling out.
01:36:53.920 --> 01:36:55.600
And so I had nobody.
01:36:55.760 --> 01:36:59.600
Um, I just found out my dog had cancer and was passing away.
01:37:00.000 --> 01:37:01.680
He had just gotten a dog.
01:37:01.840 --> 01:37:08.800
Um, and so meeting him, I made him a whole world where we overlooked the fact that he really wanted to get married and have kids.
01:37:09.039 --> 01:37:10.079
I was just like, you know what?
01:37:10.239 --> 01:37:11.680
We're best friends, we'll figure it out later.
01:37:11.840 --> 01:37:12.319
We're best friends.
01:37:12.479 --> 01:37:12.640
Yeah.
01:37:12.880 --> 01:37:15.199
He's got a dog and he's filling, you know, this hole in my life.
01:37:15.359 --> 01:37:23.359
He had just got a dog, and I think we just knew that we were in these different places, but we still tried to just make it work and all that in.
01:37:24.079 --> 01:37:37.600
Your growth is at a different speed, and you you suppress it, and you're like, it will work on it later, or you're secretly hoping they'll change their mind or be open-minded to your lifestyle or the things that you want.
01:37:37.760 --> 01:37:40.079
Or he maybe was like, She's young, she's gonna change her mind.
01:37:40.399 --> 01:37:41.279
We thought I was gonna change her mind.
01:37:41.520 --> 01:37:42.960
The biological clock will tick.
01:37:43.199 --> 01:37:48.720
No, we he would start actual arguments where he'd be like, I just need to know that there's a 1% chance that you're gonna change your mind.
01:37:48.800 --> 01:37:52.800
And I would be like, There's a 1% chance someone's gonna walk in there and punch me in the face right now.
01:37:52.880 --> 01:37:54.880
You know, like there's a 1% chance of anything happening.
01:37:55.039 --> 01:37:58.159
Is there a 99% chance that I don't want kids and I don't want to get married?
01:37:58.319 --> 01:38:09.920
And I think like he just wanted so badly just marriage and kids because he thought it was gonna fix a lot of his like sadness he was feeling in his life and emptiness, um, the same way I did when I was 25.
01:38:10.079 --> 01:38:12.479
I think men are a little bit delayed in that department.
01:38:12.560 --> 01:38:13.920
So I think it it made sense.
01:38:15.199 --> 01:38:28.479
I was also trying to change you, like he's trying to to fix you in a way, thinking you're okay, she's she's got all the things that I want except these things that are really important to me, if that's the case.
01:38:28.640 --> 01:38:37.760
And and if in that way, he's he's dating the potential that you'll change into this person who wants those things, and you don't.
01:38:37.920 --> 01:38:40.800
You just have to find someone who wants cool with that.
01:38:41.119 --> 01:38:45.920
No, and that's the thing, is when I look back on my relationship with Colin now, I'm the same way.
01:38:46.159 --> 01:38:48.000
I don't think he really loved me.
01:38:48.159 --> 01:38:50.880
I don't think I ever loved I think we needed each other.
01:38:51.199 --> 01:38:53.760
I think like we needed each other in that time of our life.
01:38:53.840 --> 01:38:57.680
Like his cousin ended up like tragically passing away and terrible.
01:38:57.840 --> 01:39:00.960
And you know, he I kind of was there for him through that.
01:39:01.039 --> 01:39:02.640
And I think we went through a lot together.
01:39:02.720 --> 01:39:04.399
My dog died when I was talking to him.
01:39:04.560 --> 01:39:19.119
Um, my who was my child, who I I got the dog because of the hockey player boyfriend, and um my dog unexpectedly died of cancer, and he was there for me, and then his cousin died, which obviously human person different levels, but still traumatic event.
01:39:19.279 --> 01:39:25.039
And that happened in the first few months of us dating and talking, so we were almost trauma bonded together.
01:39:25.279 --> 01:39:28.399
I don't even know if we were like even super attracted to that.
01:39:28.479 --> 01:39:39.920
I think we got along as friends and we neither of us wanted to be lonely, and I was desperate for just like any kind of companion at that point, and I think he liked a lot of aspects of like the lifestyle, what dating me kind of meant for him.
01:39:40.000 --> 01:39:45.920
And yeah, I don't think in either of us were together for the right reasons, and I think we were just clinging to just this relationship.
01:39:47.119 --> 01:39:48.000
So obviously wrong.
01:39:48.079 --> 01:39:50.640
Yeah, he had really limiting beliefs about a relationship the whole time.
01:39:50.720 --> 01:39:51.600
He'd be like, Why are you dating me?
01:39:51.680 --> 01:39:52.159
Why are you with me?
01:39:52.239 --> 01:39:52.960
You could do so much better.
01:39:53.119 --> 01:39:55.119
All these weird things.
01:39:55.279 --> 01:40:05.359
I think um I think he cheated because he he knew that I was gonna kind of gonna break up and end the relationship with them, like kind of see that that's where the relationship was headed.
01:40:05.600 --> 01:40:17.359
He had a lot of self-esteem issues, and I think it was easier for him to stomach that the relationship ended because I did this fucked up thing and not because of who I am or I wasn't enough or because she didn't want to be with me.
01:40:17.439 --> 01:40:18.640
Because that's where the it was headed.
01:40:18.960 --> 01:40:25.119
We definitely had been Rocky talking about breaking up all these things that had to do with who he was.
01:40:25.359 --> 01:40:36.399
Nothing about his um job or appearance or anything like that, more so just not being aligned, wanting different things in life, having different goals, just not being my fit, essentially.
01:40:36.720 --> 01:40:44.640
It's essentially self-sabotage, especially the way he did it and who he did it with and all of that, and the degree to which he was disrespectful.
01:40:44.800 --> 01:40:53.520
It was sign sealed that it was burning the bridge and not even just leaving it in a place where oh, maybe in the future you could get back together or something.
01:40:53.760 --> 01:40:57.920
No, he made it so we won't get back together because she won't take me back.
01:40:58.399 --> 01:41:03.760
And it wasn't that it had it was something that didn't have to do with who he was, it had to do with like something that he did.
01:41:04.000 --> 01:41:04.239
Yeah.
01:41:04.399 --> 01:41:13.199
And what's crazy too is I feel like kind of important to talk about when you're cheating, is like I remember being like, oh, well, you know, him and the friend deserve each other.
01:41:13.279 --> 01:41:14.399
Like they can go date now.
01:41:14.560 --> 01:41:24.560
And what's crazy is that as soon as I found out about them, I mean, I don't know for sure, but I've heard through the grapevine that it fizzled out.
01:41:24.720 --> 01:41:25.760
They stopped hooking up.
01:41:25.840 --> 01:41:30.960
He started dating whoever he's dating right now, and she kind of was left in the dark.
01:41:31.119 --> 01:41:34.560
I don't know if she thought their relationship was gonna turn into something.
01:41:34.720 --> 01:41:35.119
I don't know.
01:41:35.359 --> 01:41:37.199
I never talked to her again either.
01:41:37.520 --> 01:41:49.439
But I think that what was fueling the relationship and what was fueling his attraction to her was that not only was she the complete opposite of me in every way, shape, or form, but she was exciting.
01:41:49.600 --> 01:41:55.359
She was this exciting thing to where once I found out about the relationship, it wasn't exciting to him anymore.
01:41:55.520 --> 01:41:58.319
He was like, Oh, that dopamine doesn't go as hard.
01:41:58.399 --> 01:41:59.199
I don't want to date you.
01:41:59.359 --> 01:42:03.600
It was like the second I kind of was like, oh, like, no, yeah, you guys can go do that.
01:42:03.680 --> 01:42:07.279
I'm out, you know, take me out of this weird whatever you guys are doing.
01:42:07.520 --> 01:42:09.039
It was no longer fun to him.
01:42:09.199 --> 01:42:13.920
And the girl who was knowingly hooking up with my boyfriend was kind of got the karma she deserves.
01:42:14.000 --> 01:42:19.680
So I think there's like an aspect of when you get cheated on being like, oh my God, is he gonna date this girl that he was cheating on me with?
01:42:19.760 --> 01:42:20.880
Whatever, whatever.
01:42:21.119 --> 01:42:26.800
You just have to know that like once the excitement gets taken out of the equation, it it wears off.
01:42:26.960 --> 01:42:42.399
It wears off and like nine out of 10, the girl and the guy are gonna get kind of what's coming to them, and that he's gonna realize he made a mistake because he was looking for the 10% of whatever you were lacking, and he's, you know, gonna have this delayed response to the breakup once you're already moved on and over it.
01:42:42.479 --> 01:42:48.159
And then she's going to have to deal with the fact that he used her to like deal with whatever wound, you know.
01:42:48.479 --> 01:42:57.439
And the same way your ex the girl that was cheating knowingly with your ex-boyfriend, I mean, she's out for vengeance right now.
01:42:57.600 --> 01:42:59.600
She has a whole album, huh?
01:43:00.239 --> 01:43:05.520
She has a whole album about this man, and she is out for blood.
01:43:05.840 --> 01:43:08.079
Um, but I mean, that's just a show.
01:43:08.319 --> 01:43:09.840
She's not gonna be the exception.
01:43:10.079 --> 01:43:13.279
He's gonna do to her the same thing he did to you, and it's only a matter of time.
01:43:13.439 --> 01:43:14.960
Like, just be patient.
01:43:15.199 --> 01:43:16.079
Just be patient.
01:43:16.239 --> 01:43:18.159
That girl will get what's coming to her with that boy.
01:43:18.239 --> 01:43:24.079
If it's a guy listening and your girlfriend she's on you, the person will not change for somebody else.
01:43:24.159 --> 01:43:25.439
They're not the karma's real.
01:43:25.680 --> 01:43:27.680
Karma is real, they're not gonna end up together.
01:43:27.840 --> 01:43:36.560
And it's almost worse if they do get married and have kids because it's just gonna happen eventually, and it's gonna be so much worse if they're married and have kids and so much more damaging.
01:43:36.800 --> 01:43:38.159
So you just can't worry about it.
01:43:38.239 --> 01:43:41.039
You just have to know in the way I don't know what it is.
01:43:41.119 --> 01:43:43.840
I don't know if I have like a powerful witch in my bloodline.
01:43:44.079 --> 01:43:48.319
Every time a man has wronged me, they've lost their hairline, they've lost their hairline.
01:43:48.560 --> 01:43:52.399
Carmel will come in whatever way, shape, or form our hairline, you know?
01:43:53.439 --> 01:43:54.800
That is so funny.
01:43:55.039 --> 01:43:57.279
Well, Michelle, I love having you on.
01:43:57.439 --> 01:44:00.000
So I can just keep talking to you all night.
01:44:00.319 --> 01:44:08.159
Um you've given so much great advice already, but what is a piece of advice that you could leave for our listeners today?
01:44:08.479 --> 01:44:09.840
Uh that's tough.
01:44:10.960 --> 01:44:13.920
I think just be okay with being alone.
01:44:14.159 --> 01:44:24.000
I think if you if there's one thing that really changed my life, it was getting myself into a place where like I was okay with or without somebody.
01:44:24.239 --> 01:44:29.760
Um, I think really prioritizing to my mindset.
01:44:30.000 --> 01:44:34.079
Cause I think I changed my mindset to where I'm almost delusional now.
01:44:34.239 --> 01:44:35.359
Everything's gonna work out.
01:44:35.520 --> 01:44:38.399
Everyone that leaves my life wasn't meant to be in it.
01:44:38.640 --> 01:44:40.720
It means that there's someone else coming.
01:44:40.880 --> 01:44:45.760
Um, and just kind of getting yourself into this place where it's just everything's a loss.
01:44:46.000 --> 01:44:48.960
Everything's a loss that leaves, and I'm meant for great things.
01:44:49.119 --> 01:44:51.920
And just getting yourself into a place where you're like, what do I love?
01:44:52.079 --> 01:44:53.039
What do I want?
01:44:53.279 --> 01:44:55.199
How can I live this life for me?
01:44:55.279 --> 01:44:55.520
Yeah.
01:44:55.680 --> 01:45:00.399
What are you gonna do so that when you're 80 years old and you potentially can't anymore?
01:45:00.560 --> 01:45:02.960
Like, how are you gonna make that person proud?
01:45:03.039 --> 01:45:07.760
So that when you're 80 and you're looking back on your life, you're like, damn, I did everything I wanted to do.
01:45:07.920 --> 01:45:14.079
I think just get really clear on who you want to be and what you want out of life, and then do that.
01:45:14.319 --> 01:45:18.319
I think what people will come and go, and at the end of the day, all you have is yourself.
01:45:18.399 --> 01:45:21.199
Yeah, and sadly, all you really can rely on is yourself.
01:45:21.279 --> 01:45:32.800
But make it so that you're attracting great people, you're doing great things, and that if anyone is to leave or anything is to happen, you have yourself, you still have your hobbies and you're doing what you love.
01:45:33.039 --> 01:45:36.560
And I think as long as you have that, you're always gonna be okay.
01:45:36.800 --> 01:45:50.079
So I think just if you're in a place where you just got cheated on and you feel really sad and you want to get revenge and you want to be the first person in a relationship, just know that the best revenge is being a great person.
01:45:50.319 --> 01:45:57.600
I just I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to just make sure you're okay, you're putting energy into yourself.
01:45:57.920 --> 01:46:03.359
And yeah, that way when if someone ever cheats on you again, you're just like, I'm great.
01:46:03.439 --> 01:46:04.399
Why would they do that to me?
01:46:04.479 --> 01:46:05.279
And you can just move on.
01:46:05.359 --> 01:46:07.279
I think just have that same respect for yourself.
01:46:07.439 --> 01:46:17.680
Don't fight for somebody that's not fighting for you or treating you in a way and fight for yourself, advocate for yourself and advocate for the life you want to live and do what's best for you.
01:46:18.000 --> 01:46:19.760
Living well is the best revenge.
01:46:20.000 --> 01:46:25.840
Live, I mean, truly, there's there's no better revenge than just leveling yourself up, being the hottest version of yourself.
01:46:26.000 --> 01:46:28.800
Then that's when you're gonna attract somebody with that same energy.
01:46:28.880 --> 01:46:35.279
So just get yourself into a headspace where you believe that you are great, and then that's when you're gonna attract somebody great.
01:46:35.920 --> 01:46:36.640
Amazing.
01:46:36.880 --> 01:46:38.640
Well, thank you so much for coming on.
01:46:39.199 --> 01:46:39.520
Thanks.
01:46:39.760 --> 01:46:40.880
I talked so much.
01:46:41.600 --> 01:46:42.880
No, this is so good.
01:46:43.039 --> 01:46:48.479
We could, you know, talk forever, but I obviously would love to have you back on at some point too.
01:46:48.800 --> 01:46:49.600
Yeah, for sure.
01:46:49.760 --> 01:46:52.880
Maybe I'll have some some nice juicy dating stories.
01:46:53.359 --> 01:46:59.119
And everyone check out Michelle's content, watch her skating videos, she's amazing.
01:46:59.279 --> 01:47:03.119
I will link your socials in the description.
01:47:03.600 --> 01:47:04.399
So fun.

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