Parenting Through Divorce: Helping Children Heal with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

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What people need to remember is divorce and a changed
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family structure is a grief. It's a loss. And when
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people think about grief and loss they think about death
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or an illness. Well, it's any change in status. It's
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what you knew and something shifting a relationship, an end
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of a relationship, a change, or something that has modified
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in some way that now your brain has to get
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used to, Oh, this is going to be the new normal. Okay.
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So whether it's like moving out, you're divorcing, you're remarrying,
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you have another kid, you're bringing another kid, now you're
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pregnant like that, there's all these shifts and those that's
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all part of the grieving process because now your kid
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has to get used to, oh, this is how my
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life is going to be now. And that's a huge
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sense of grief and loss. It can be for a
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lot of kids. So we have to make sure that
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we're giving enough information and helping them to process it
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in a way that's appropriate so they can move through
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those stages, yes, without being shocked by it.
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Hello and welcome to Ground Control Parenting, a blog and
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now a podcast creative for parents raising black and brown children.
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I'm the creator and your host, Carol Sutton Lewis. In
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this podcast series, I talk to some really interesting people
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about the job and the joy of parenting. Today, we
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are taking on a subject that many many families experience,
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but parents often feel unsure about how to talk about
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parenting through divorce. Divorce has become a common part of
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modern family life, but for parents and children living through it,
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the experience can still feel overwhelming, uncertain, and deeply emotional.
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Parents often worry not only about the logistics of separating households,
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but about something more important, much more important, how to
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protect their children's sense of stability, security, and love during
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a time of great change. To help us with this issue,
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I am so excited to welcome back wonderful parenting expert
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Doctor Anne Louise Lockhart. Doctor Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist,
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parent coach, and national speaker with over twenty years of experience.
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She founded a New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio,
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Texas to specialize in helping parents understand and navigate the
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challenges of raising toddler through teens. And this is her
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latest book, Love the Team You Have, which, as I
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was just telling her, I have been deeply in even
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though I have grown children, because it's really fascinating to
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think about all the intricacies of the parent teen relationship.
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So doctor Lockhart was passionate about empowering parents with practical
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information and strategies to support their child's development, manage behavior,
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and foster strong emotional connections. And she's a mom of two,
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so she's got professional experience and personal experience.
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To her work.
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Doctor Lockhart is one of our trusted parenting resources here
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at Ground Fannal Parenting, and she has brought her wonderful
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parenting expertise to the podcast on many occasions. I am
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so happy to have her back for this conversation. Welcome
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back to Ground Control Parenting, Doctor Lockhart.
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Thanks for having me back. It's good to be back.
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Yeah, it's great to have you back, and I'm really
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happy to have your guidance on how we can help
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our children through this. You and your partner have just
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decided that the marriage is over and you want a divorce.
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What is the healthiest way for you to tell your
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children about this divorce? And when should this conversation happen?
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Yes, that is a great question, and I get that
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a lot in my practice because that is it all
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depends on the age, the personality, the relationship you have
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with that child, because if they're very very young, they
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may not understand it. And if they're almost out of
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the house and they've seen how their relationship has been,
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they might be relieved, they might be upset them, they
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might have a mix of emotions. So I really starts
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with finding out all of those things. Okay, what is
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my kid's age, developmental stage, their personality, what is my
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relationship with them? And then you and your spouse ideally
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should speak to them together, especially if it's a high
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conflict divorce. It's very volatile. It can get to the
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point where if you're doing it separately, maybe different information
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is being shared, or a kid who feels more connected
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or aligned with one parent versus another may start to
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ask questions, well, did she want it? Did he want it?
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Whose fault is it? Why did you do this? And
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it could cause some artificial kind of alignment or bad
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mouthing the other parent. So ideally, if you can tell
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them together and have an agenda in terms of what
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you want to go through, how you want to say it,
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I think together is really the best start. So then
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you know based on their a So if you're dealing
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with a teenager, you are going to tell them. You know,
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your dad and I your mom, and I wanted to
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talk to you about something, and it's going to be
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very difficult. I think you start with the fact that
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this is not great news. It's really helpful for kids
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to know that something that's about to be said doesn't
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feel good. I know, we're about to tell you something.
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It's very difficult. It's hard to share this, and you're
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going to have a mix of feelings about this, and
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we understand that. But we want to tell you together
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and you can ask any question that you want if
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we're able to answer it. We will be honest with
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you about it. And you know, again, as teenagers children,
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you just being able to share it openly and having
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them ask questions. When you get to the younger kids,
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sometimes they will have this fantasy in their mind that oh,
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it'll work out and you'll get back together. Sometimes they'll
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play or draw it out this ideal world where mom
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and dad or my parents get back together, And it's
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really about helping them understand and kind of work through
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that because it can feel very jarring to know that
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the home that I knew is no longer.
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It makes all the sense in the world to me
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that it's best for the children if the parents sit down,
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prepare them for bad news, and talk to them together,
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so that the child can see that the parents are
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still able to engage with one another, that whatever tensions
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they may have witnessed are not going to just go on.
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What happens if the the circumstance between the two parents
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is so volatile that they don't think they can do
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they can make the effort to do this. Does it
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make a sense ever, for there to be another person
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in the room, I mean, is that a possible solution?
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Yeah, definitely. I mean it could be where if the
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child is already seeing a therapist, their own therapist, or
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you have a family therapist, where that provider can be
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the third news neutral party in the discussion. So that
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way it can keep the calm in the room, especially
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if there's a lot of tension or animosity between the parents.
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That could be a really great substitute, or it could
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even be a really good family friend or a grandparent
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or a cousin, uncle or anybody. But having another person
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can really make the discussion a lot easier.
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Yeah, Yeah, that third party, especially if it's a family friend,
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could also signal to the parents when it's getting to
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the point that they should try to calm themselves, because
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I think in the moment it's particularly hard for parents
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who are going through this difficult situation to remember to
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stay calm when they're talking about the dissolution of their marriage. Absolutely,
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and speaking of when they're talking about it. When you
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talk when parents talk to their kids, how much information
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should they share? I mean, again, I'm sure it's age dependent.
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And let's say you're talking to children who are middle
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school and above, who understand that people argue and understand
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that people divorce. How much do you tell them about
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why it's happening.
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Yeah, Well, one of the biggest mistakes that we make
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as adults and parents is we overshare and we really
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overestimate how much information our kids want. So and we
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just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk,
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and they're like, Okay, I did not need to know
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all that information, So we need to When you're going
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to approach it, it's really important to address it from
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a very neutral perspective as much as possible. Your dad
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and I, your mom and I have spoken about things
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that have been hard in our relationship. As you've seen,
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we've been arguing a lot. We have decided that we're
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going to file for separation where we've decided to divorce.
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And then you can even stop there and say, do
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you have any questions for us that come to your mind?
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Is there anything that you're very concerned about right now
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as we're telling you this, because you know it's hard
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and it's a lot to process, so you can keep
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it very neutral because really, by the time a couple
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gets to that point, the household kind of feels it,
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and so sometimes it could be a shocker, especially if
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something has gone really really wrong and it's lots of
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stuff has happened behind closed doors or in secret, that
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could be a shocker. But to be able to share
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it from a very basic perspective and then say, do
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you have any questions before we move on? Is there
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anything that's on your mind or anything that you have
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to you want to ask? So that way you can
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kind of get a feel for where the child's mind is,
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because they might say, so, does that mean we get
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to Christmases and two birthdays and two Mother's Day like it?
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Maybe they're like excited because it means they get two
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of everything right, or maybe it's like, well, does that
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mean that you're going to change your last name? Or
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do I have to choose who to live or do
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we get to stay here or do we have to
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move out? Like you want to have the conversation be
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guided based on what their questions and concerns are, so
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keeping it very calm and neutral and sharing as much
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information as possible, but minimal so that you understand that
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we understand what that child, what that kid, what that
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personality is really asking for, and then moving from there,
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and it's not a one time conversation. You don't have
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to tell them everything and all the logistics at that
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first conversation. It can be the thing that happens over
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time because it's hard to hear, and you normalize that,
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normalize them for them. You know, if they don't have
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anything that they want to share, or they start to
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cry or they run away. I know this is really hard.
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This was hard for us to share this, and anything
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you feel is okay, and you can talk to us
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and ask us anything that you need to that you
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need to or want to.
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I like that you said that this can be a
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more than a one time conversation because I was just
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going to ask you about that, because it strikes me
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if a couple decides to divorce and they want and
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they want to separate immediately, somebody wants to move out.
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They may not have worked out all of the ways
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that it's gonna work out with the children. They decide
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this person moves out, they need to over time figure
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out where the kids are going to live. But the
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kids wake up and one parent is gone and it's
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not coming back any time soon. So there seems to
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be some need to explain to them why one parent's gone.
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So it strikes me that maybe an early conversation about
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what is going to be happening. But is it okay
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to tell you to your kids we don't know all
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the details yet.
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Yeah, absolutely, because if you don't know, don't lie to them, right, right,
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And if it is something, if it's under really horrible circumstances.
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I mean, I think divorce can be very horrible for
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most people. But if there's really like there's infidelity, or
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the one parent is moving out to live with someone
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they were having an affair with, like those kinds of
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conversations that can then start to pit one parent against
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the kid or against the other. So that's why it's
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really about having it's not just this one time conversation
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and not oversharing, but just saying, you know what, that's
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a really great question. We haven't actually talked about that,
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or we're not quite sure what's going to happen yet,
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or what would you like to see happen. So if
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they ask a question about like logistics, well who do
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I get to live with? And who am I going
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to live with? And how are we going to split
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the time? And you know what, if you move away
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someplace it's far from my school, like, there's all kinds
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of questions they get ask and so then you can
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be able to say, oh, that's a really great question
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actually and write those things down, say okay, I'm going
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to write that down, make sure that we're considering that
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what would you like to see and ask them for
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their opinion that if especially in middle school and above,
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even children children eight, nine, ten and above, they can
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be able to say this is what I would like
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to do or I don't want to have to decide
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and I don't like that we have to split whatever
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it is is, asking them what their concerns are and
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then if you haven't thought about it, or you're not
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sure or you need to rethink how you were thinking
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about it, then revisit it and just say I'm glad
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you brought that up, thank you for bringing that up,
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and then just document it and be able to consider that.
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But going at the perspective of like, well, who do
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you want to live with, Like stay away from those
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kinds of things, or that's what she wanted, that's not
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what I wanted. Stay away from those kinds of splitting
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types of conversations or bad mouthing, or your mother had
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other plans. I wanted to have this for life, you know,
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like stay away from those underhanded comments, no matter how
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negatively you might feel towards the other person, because I mean,
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most people aren't doing it because they're happy. They're doing
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it because there's something that is stressful, negative and it's
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not a pleasant experience, and you can be honest about that, Like,
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this is a hard conversation for you to hear, and
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this is a hard conversation for us to have too.
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So okay, for your kids to know that you're not
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fine and that you're not doing fine and that it's
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this is hard for you, so that is it is
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okay to share that.
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Yeah, it strikes me that what you've just said about
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all the ways of parents really need to make sure
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they're not bad talking the other parent or letting the
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kids know that whatever is happening is not their desire.
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It's the other person that's not just in that one
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conversation that's just going forward, right, I mean, because yeah,
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you can. You often see children caught in the middle
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of Yes, parents who are close to their children and
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if they're feeling sad and the child wants to know
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why they're feeling sad, they're explaining too much. And on
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that note, I understand completely why you don't want to
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overshare with your child, but over time, when you are
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middle school or above, wants to know why do you say, effectively,
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I'm not going to share that with you, or do
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you owe them some kind of do you want them
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to have some kind of explanation because they're going to
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for example, if the other parent is now living with
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the person that they were unfaithful with, right, so the
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kids are going to put it together. So yes, absolutely,
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at what point do you share anything about the reason
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why it didn't work?
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That is such a tricky question because really, at the
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point where kids start to put it together, or they're
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starting to experience that parent in a way that the
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other parent has experienced, and they're like, oh, you know,
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because he lost his temper all the time, or was
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always living with somebody else, or mom worked too much
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and was never around, whatever it is, they start to
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put the pieces together. I find that it can be
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helpful to affirm that. So if they're like, so did
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you guys really split out because dad had somebody else,
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the woman that he's living with.
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Now.
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Like, yeah, that's what happened. And I didn't want to
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bed mouth your dad, but you are experiencing it, you're
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seeing it, and so that was one of the reasons. Yes,
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you know, I come from divorced parents. My mom and
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dad were three. I was three with my dad and
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mom got divorced. I was the youngest of three as well,
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and so I didn't understand it. We didn't have a conversation,
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not that I remember, but as I got older, my
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dad not coming through saying he was going to visit
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and never did, was going to pick us up and
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never did. The multiple women he had in his life,
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I mean, it was kind of obvious. So but my
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mom never said anything bad. And once I got into
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high school and we were well, it was after the hurricane,
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and we were locked down in this room and we
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had been we were homeless and living together and it
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was just me and her and my siblings already had
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left the house. And I said, you know, what was
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the real deal, Like what was happening that led to
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you and dad divorcing? And she told me everything. She
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was extremely honest and about his infidelity and the woman
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would call the house and he would defend the women.
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And it was horrible what she went through, but I
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could handle it at that time. I was now sixteen seventeen,
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and it was helpful for me to hear it. It
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was hard to hear it more in terms of the
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perspective of like, man, that's what she went through, and man,
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and I was being such a buttthead to her for
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so long and she was struggling, and so then I
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was feeling like, oh gosh, why did I go through
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this rebellious phase? But then I also understood why because
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she wasn't able to be emotionally present for me in
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a lot of ways. How she was also hurting she
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felt like a failure, wanted to be married and my
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dad had other plans. So it was heavy to hear,
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but it was also important for me to hear because
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at that point he had revealed so much of himself,
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and it was just a confirmation for me to know, like, Okay,
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it is normal. It's natural that I feel these feelings
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towards him, because this is something that she had experienced
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and it was something that he had already revealed. So
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it's I think those are the parts when your kids
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start to see, you know, dad is always yelling at
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me and throwing things. Is that how it was? Is
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that why you left? Yeah, that was a big part
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of it, and just kind of confirming what they've already observed,
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what they're already observing, what they're seeing with their eyes.
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It seems that you should let time go by in
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the moment of the discovery and the earliest conversations. It's
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too raw, and no matter how old you are, you're
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processing as a child, you're processing this change. But it
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does make sense to me that down the line, when
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the new pattern has been established and if a child
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has questions, that it makes sense to answer them, not
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only so they can have clarity about the circumstance. But
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also I think life lessons I mean just in terms
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of if someone if you're seeing behavior that you have
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questions about in your other parent, I think you can
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ask questions about that so that you know how to
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process this for yourself when you're thinking about relationships and
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not suggesting that you project what your father did or
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your mother did onto what your mate does. But is
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now am I a little off base here or is
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there something too ultimately your children having some sort of
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life lesson based on the dissolution of the relationship.
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Well, absolutely, because I have so many situations and cases
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of clients that I've seen where a child has idealized
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the parents and so usually the parent who is the
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problematic one actually and you know problematic in the sense
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that objectively is problematic. You know, where they're losing their
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t temper there, maybe even abusive or uh not following
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through on commitments, not paying the bills, not setting child support,
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like just they're problematic. And sometimes what I've often see
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pretty consistently is the child often signs with that one
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and they sometimes have hold more resentment towards the one
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that stayed behind and That's what my mom experienced with
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my brother, who was the middle child. He gave her
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such a hard time when my dad was the one
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that wasn't showing up. He's when we when we moved houses,
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and he's like, well, if we move, he can't find us,
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and she's like, your dad, your dad isn't doesn't want
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to be here, and so so it's an important life
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lesson really, as kids get older, when they are seeing
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this parent behaving in ways that are problematic for them
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to not idealize or hold it on a pedestal or
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normal this that like, yes, this is your mom, this
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is your dad, but this behavior is not okay. And
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it's really one of the things I teach in therapy
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a lot is teaching kids about ambivalence that you can
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hold too often opposing or conflicting feelings or thoughts or
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even experiences about an individual at the same time. That's
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what feels so icky. Like I love my dad, but man,
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he makes really bad choices. You know, I love my mom,
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but man, she is so flaky. Like you can have
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these conflicting feelings that I really adore this person, but
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I don't like their choices because then I feel like
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what often happens from a therapeutic perspective is then you
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have this kid or this teen who then lies to
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protect that parent because I don't want you to think
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negatively about this person, or I want to keep this
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view of this person that I have when it's inaccurate,
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and that causes a lot of strength, so that life
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lesson can be super helpful, and saying you know, I
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know that you have concerns about how you feel like
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your mom is flaky and she doesn't fulfill she says,
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says she's going to show up to your recital and
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she doesn't come, or she's going to pick you up
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and she doesn't commer that your dad yells at you
401
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or is overly strict or or not present, whatever it is,
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that is not okay. That's not okay, And it's okay
403
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for you to feel negatively or hurt or disappointed by that,
404
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because if it was a friend or someone you're in
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a relationship with, you would expect more of them, and
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you should. Being a parent doesn't absolve them of that responsibility,
407
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So it's okay to have those feelings.
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So okay, I'm a parent, I'm in the beginning of
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what looks like it's going to be a somewhat contentious
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but not horrifically so divorce. But I really don't want
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to talk to the person who assumed to be my ex.
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I don't want to be in the same room. I
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don't want to have the conversation about how we have
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the conversation, Right, What do you say to parents who
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are just so angry or just so disappointed or whatever
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that they feel absolutely they can't focus on this.
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Absolutely. That's where I think a third party is important,
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someone that is trusted and liked and familiar with that
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kid or kids, so that they can kind of be
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the go between in a sense. So whether it's a grandparent,
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a therapist, you know, a trusted family friend, I think
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that's where you go to that third party, because yeah,
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I mean that's why people most people are getting divorced.
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They can't stand each other, they're wanting to split, they're
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not wanting to even be in the same room with them,
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or they think they're obnoxious, or they make everything a fight.
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Like there's many different, really valid reasons to not want
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to be in the same room while you're sharing this
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very difficult news with their kids. So that's where you
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rely on someone else that could be a neutral, hopefully person,
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or two people, one for each side, even a friend
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of each right who could be present, who could be
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there and talk through the issue with that child and
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with you guys at the same time, because it can
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be hard and a lot of people, I don't even
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want to be in the same room with this person,
437
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So I'm not going to have this conversation with my kids.
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But your kids deserve that information and to not just
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hear about it in passing or like, oh, by the way,
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we're moving out next week. Like we want to give
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them the courtesy of having the information, because what people
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need to remember is divorce and a changed family structure
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is a grief. It's a loss. And when people think
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about grief and loss they think about death or an illness. Well,
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it's any change in status. It's what you knew and
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something shifting a relationship, an end of a relationship, a change,
447
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or something that has modified in some way that now
448
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your brain has to get used to. Oh, this is
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to be the new normal. And that's a huge sense
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of grief and loss. It can be for a lot
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of kids. So we have to make sure that we're
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giving enough information and helping them to process it in
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a way that's appropriate so they can move through those
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stages without being shocked by it.
455
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I think that's a really important point. If parents are
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so are so convinced that they can't be in the
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room together and they're having much a lot of difficulty,
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they have to remember it's a loss for their children.
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I mean, if you can think of protecting your children
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from the worst aspects of a loss, I think that's
461
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a good way to frame it so that they can
462
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get outside of their own issues and really focus on
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the kids. Yeah, we'll be right back after these messages.
464
00:25:49.759 --> 00:25:52.720
I am so excited to share that ground Coutrill Parenting
465
00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:55.920
is working with Donus Chooses. Our work is all about
466
00:25:56.279 --> 00:25:59.400
supporting black and brown children, and that means supporting the
467
00:25:59.480 --> 00:26:04.640
classroom and teachers shaping their lives every day. So this season,
468
00:26:04.920 --> 00:26:07.920
thanks to Donors Choose, I'm giving my Ground Control Parenting
469
00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:10.720
guests a Donors Choose card, a.
470
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Gift card from Donors Choose.
471
00:26:12.759 --> 00:26:15.359
They can head to DonorsChoose dot org and they can
472
00:26:15.480 --> 00:26:18.839
choose a classroom that resonates with them. It's such a
473
00:26:18.880 --> 00:26:22.240
simple way to do so much good and trust me
474
00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:25.279
the thank you note to get from the classroom are
475
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:30.000
amazing and so worth it. Thank you donors choose. Welcome
476
00:26:30.039 --> 00:26:33.359
back to the show. And so let's say we've gotten
477
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:39.079
through the conversation divorce happens, and what does a good
478
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healthy co parenting relationship look like both from the parent's
479
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perspective and from the kid's perspective.
480
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Yeah, I mean the best way, which I know this
481
00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:55.759
is the challenge because that's why you split, is communication. Yeah,
482
00:26:56.039 --> 00:26:59.079
because even though you decided that this is no longer
483
00:26:59.119 --> 00:27:02.599
going to work, no longer going to be married, your kids,
484
00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:08.880
it's not your kid's problem. They deserve to have They
485
00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:13.640
deserve to still have a whole, healthy family life and
486
00:27:13.759 --> 00:27:18.200
childhood even though the family they were born into, adopted into,
487
00:27:18.440 --> 00:27:21.440
fostered into, whatever grew up and even though it doesn't
488
00:27:21.559 --> 00:27:26.599
look the same, they still deserve to have healthy interactions
489
00:27:26.640 --> 00:27:32.559
and to see healthy interactions. So that communication with the
490
00:27:33.039 --> 00:27:39.000
parents in co parenting, that means having a family plan
491
00:27:39.680 --> 00:27:42.319
or decree that talks about who's in charge of what
492
00:27:43.079 --> 00:27:48.839
doctor's appointments and disappointments, therapy appointments, travel vacation, who has
493
00:27:48.920 --> 00:27:54.839
who when, what birthdays and holidays? You celebrate. All of
494
00:27:54.839 --> 00:27:57.640
those things should be very clearly outlined with a lot
495
00:27:57.799 --> 00:28:03.160
of healthy communication and whether it's a shared family calendar,
496
00:28:04.079 --> 00:28:07.839
a text chain that you use, going through a mediator
497
00:28:07.880 --> 00:28:10.440
and helping with that if it's more volatile, like that
498
00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:13.039
is so important for the kids to see. Okay, it
499
00:28:13.079 --> 00:28:16.160
didn't work, but I still see that my parents are
500
00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:19.839
communicating because they care about us, even though they can't
501
00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:23.279
stand each other, like, they still need to see that
502
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:26.559
you prioritize them.
503
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.960
Yeah, now that's so important and.
504
00:28:31.480 --> 00:28:34.079
Hard to do, but yes, really well important. And it's
505
00:28:34.119 --> 00:28:36.160
interesting because my husband and I just talked about this yesterday.
506
00:28:36.200 --> 00:28:40.599
We've been married twenty seven years and we were talking
507
00:28:40.599 --> 00:28:44.400
about because we have some family members who are divorced
508
00:28:44.559 --> 00:28:50.000
or remarrying and just talking about like when and this
509
00:28:50.079 --> 00:28:53.039
might be controversial for people, but I strongly believe in
510
00:28:53.079 --> 00:28:54.880
this because my mom did a very good job at this.
511
00:28:57.039 --> 00:29:01.680
When you are married and you have kids from the marriage,
512
00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:04.920
I believe your spouse should be a priority. I believe
513
00:29:04.960 --> 00:29:08.440
that you prioritize dates, you prioritize connection, you prioritize all
514
00:29:08.440 --> 00:29:11.880
of those things, and that spouse you should invest in
515
00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:16.160
that relationship, especially because I see so often people over
516
00:29:16.240 --> 00:29:19.839
prioritize their children at the detriment of their relationship and
517
00:29:19.880 --> 00:29:22.839
their marriage, and then the kids leave, they become empty nesters,
518
00:29:22.839 --> 00:29:25.920
and then they divorce. That's very common because now there's
519
00:29:25.960 --> 00:29:33.640
no relationship there. However, once you divorce, now your kids
520
00:29:33.640 --> 00:29:38.319
should be the priority above the new boyfriend, the new girlfriend,
521
00:29:38.359 --> 00:29:42.079
the new spouse, because your kids were there first before
522
00:29:42.079 --> 00:29:46.240
that person. And I believe that then you should start
523
00:29:46.240 --> 00:29:49.720
to prioritize more. Not saying your kids are, you know,
524
00:29:49.839 --> 00:29:54.880
kicking to the curb when you're married, but then their wants,
525
00:29:54.920 --> 00:29:58.160
their needs or desires are super important. So like when
526
00:29:58.200 --> 00:30:01.519
my mom she was dating somebody when I was about seven,
527
00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:06.119
and I really liked this guy, I really liked his kids,
528
00:30:06.160 --> 00:30:09.759
Like it was just I love this guy. But when
529
00:30:09.799 --> 00:30:12.759
she approached us, she'd approached all three of us, the kids,
530
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:16.000
and said I'm thinking about marrying him. We want to
531
00:30:16.160 --> 00:30:18.799
wants to get engage, and my sister was like yeah.
532
00:30:19.119 --> 00:30:21.480
My brother was like yeah, I'm going to have more
533
00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:25.000
siblings and a brother. And then she got to me
534
00:30:25.039 --> 00:30:28.240
and I started bawling, and I was like, I don't
535
00:30:28.279 --> 00:30:31.720
want you to get married. And she told him She's
536
00:30:31.720 --> 00:30:33.680
like and Louise is not okay with this. We need
537
00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:36.599
to wait. He's like, she's seven, and she's like nope,
538
00:30:36.960 --> 00:30:39.799
and she waited. But what she discovered I told her,
539
00:30:40.079 --> 00:30:42.519
I don't know. A few weeks later, I said, I
540
00:30:42.559 --> 00:30:44.759
really like him and I want her to get married.
541
00:30:44.799 --> 00:30:47.279
But I was concerned that her name was going to
542
00:30:47.359 --> 00:30:50.519
be different than mine, her last name. That was my concern.
543
00:30:51.119 --> 00:30:55.319
And also people often thought my mom was white. She's black,
544
00:30:55.599 --> 00:30:57.480
but she looked white to a lot of people, and
545
00:30:57.519 --> 00:30:59.920
she was marrying a white guy. And I thought, so,
546
00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:02.559
now you're gonna have a different last name, and people
547
00:31:02.599 --> 00:31:04.319
are going to think, who's this black child with these
548
00:31:04.319 --> 00:31:05.000
two white people.
549
00:31:05.400 --> 00:31:10.559
Ah. At what point were you able to tell her that?
550
00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:14.759
I think it was about a few weeks later. Oh okay, yeah, yeah,
551
00:31:15.039 --> 00:31:17.759
that it was. I was just I'm not sure if
552
00:31:17.799 --> 00:31:22.279
I fully realized the appearance thing. I'm not sure if
553
00:31:22.279 --> 00:31:24.599
I fully realized that. But the last name was definitely
554
00:31:24.640 --> 00:31:26.880
a concern. I was concerned that my name was going
555
00:31:26.920 --> 00:31:28.640
to be one thing and her name's going to be
556
00:31:28.680 --> 00:31:30.920
another thing. How would people know that we belong together?
557
00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:35.039
And so she, you know, when she was talking to
558
00:31:35.079 --> 00:31:37.359
me about it, and She's like, we look alike. People
559
00:31:37.440 --> 00:31:40.319
know that you're mine. You'll always be mine, That'll never change.
560
00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:43.720
And so then I was like, okay, I'm okay with it.
561
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:51.240
And so I love that she prioritized me and my
562
00:31:51.279 --> 00:31:54.079
brother and my sister, like that was important to her
563
00:31:54.839 --> 00:31:57.200
to know that I would be okay with it, and
564
00:31:57.240 --> 00:32:00.599
that she put it the everything else on whole until
565
00:32:00.599 --> 00:32:02.400
we were all okay with it. And I think that
566
00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:04.799
is so important because again, you're communicating to your kid.
567
00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:07.720
I know this was really tough for you. I know
568
00:32:07.799 --> 00:32:11.000
this separation is a divorce from your your other parent
569
00:32:11.119 --> 00:32:14.000
is difficult. And so then when you decide to move forward,
570
00:32:14.480 --> 00:32:19.960
moving in with somebody, dating somebody, marrying somebody, your kids
571
00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:22.839
should really be a part of that discussion of that process.
572
00:32:23.160 --> 00:32:24.440
I believe that's super important.
573
00:32:24.960 --> 00:32:27.200
Yeah, no, I agree. I mean, I hope that's not
574
00:32:27.359 --> 00:32:29.519
controversial life. I hope not the sense in the world.
575
00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:32.799
But so, but that brings up that makes me think
576
00:32:32.839 --> 00:32:34.559
of a of a question I wanted to make sure
577
00:32:34.599 --> 00:32:38.200
to ask you. So in the case of your story
578
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:41.599
about your mom's appearance, really brought it to mind. In
579
00:32:41.640 --> 00:32:47.880
a case of a biracial relationship, the parents let's just
580
00:32:47.880 --> 00:32:51.519
say one parent's black, one parent's white, they divorce. Two
581
00:32:51.599 --> 00:32:55.759
different questions here. First, if you've got a black and
582
00:32:55.799 --> 00:33:01.559
white parent, you're you're you are biracial, but you are
583
00:33:01.559 --> 00:33:03.759
going to be perceived by the outside world for the
584
00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:07.720
most part, is a black child, right, How do you
585
00:33:08.119 --> 00:33:11.680
how do parents? How can parents make sure that culturally
586
00:33:12.480 --> 00:33:16.880
they are respecting both cultures in their home when they
587
00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:20.240
are only of the one. That's the first question, And
588
00:33:20.279 --> 00:33:23.599
the second one is to your point, if they remarry,
589
00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:26.680
and they remarry someone who is their race, you've got
590
00:33:26.720 --> 00:33:30.680
the situation of a child who is immediately going to
591
00:33:30.680 --> 00:33:32.799
be known not to be the child of these two parents.
592
00:33:33.559 --> 00:33:36.599
I mean, I asked this question not to suggest these
593
00:33:36.599 --> 00:33:39.799
things shouldn't happen, but how can parents make this easier
594
00:33:40.079 --> 00:33:40.880
for their children?
595
00:33:41.880 --> 00:33:44.440
You have that discussion, have an open discussion about it.
596
00:33:44.599 --> 00:33:48.160
So if you have an interracial possible union, and say
597
00:33:48.200 --> 00:33:52.000
you have a white mom and a black dad, and
598
00:33:52.240 --> 00:33:56.079
now the white mom is then looking at dating or
599
00:33:56.119 --> 00:34:02.960
marrying a white man, that might be an issue for
600
00:34:03.000 --> 00:34:05.759
the kids because now they're like, okay, wait, hold up,
601
00:34:09.199 --> 00:34:12.960
And so having discussions about where this person stands, what
602
00:34:13.000 --> 00:34:15.440
their beliefs are how are we still going to feel
603
00:34:15.480 --> 00:34:18.400
like parts of our culture are integrated in our meal
604
00:34:18.440 --> 00:34:21.239
time and our family reunions and our friends and our
605
00:34:21.239 --> 00:34:24.719
gatherings and making sure does this other person now that
606
00:34:24.880 --> 00:34:29.119
also have people a variety of diverse individuals in their
607
00:34:29.159 --> 00:34:33.079
life that their kids can be exposed to. There's so
608
00:34:33.159 --> 00:34:36.679
many layers to it, not just the appearance wise, but
609
00:34:36.719 --> 00:34:41.480
also the cultural influence, the identification. What is this person's
610
00:34:41.559 --> 00:34:44.880
view about black people, brown people, Asian people, like what
611
00:34:45.800 --> 00:34:47.559
those conversations need to be had, and it needs to
612
00:34:47.599 --> 00:34:50.360
be a comfortable, open conversation where the kids can ask
613
00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:53.960
these questions because so often people are like, oh, it's
614
00:34:54.199 --> 00:34:57.800
we just love each other and it's just well, you
615
00:34:57.920 --> 00:35:01.159
got to go come better than that. Like, let's have
616
00:35:01.199 --> 00:35:03.760
a real discussion about what this means. What is your
617
00:35:03.800 --> 00:35:07.440
political affiliation, what's your religious background? What are your cultural influences?
618
00:35:07.719 --> 00:35:09.599
Who are the people in your life? What do you
619
00:35:09.719 --> 00:35:12.719
know about our culture? What do you appreciate about it?
620
00:35:14.159 --> 00:35:16.559
Because if you're you know, a white mom and now
621
00:35:16.719 --> 00:35:21.039
this white stepdad, how can this individual then appreciate my biracial,
622
00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:25.440
black or brown children. So we need to not shy
623
00:35:25.480 --> 00:35:28.159
away from those tough conversations because it is a reality
624
00:35:28.280 --> 00:35:30.880
that's just like, my mom is not biracial. I just
625
00:35:31.239 --> 00:35:33.320
mean coming from the Caribbean, we mix with all kinds
626
00:35:33.320 --> 00:35:37.760
of stuff, and she's very yellow undertone, very white skinned,
627
00:35:37.800 --> 00:35:40.199
straight black hair. It was blonde for the first ten
628
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:43.119
years of her life. Like I mean, black people thought
629
00:35:43.159 --> 00:35:44.840
she's black, but a lot of white people thought she
630
00:35:44.920 --> 00:35:48.239
was white. You're right, And so it's again having these
631
00:35:48.280 --> 00:35:51.239
conversations because the man that she was going to marry
632
00:35:51.320 --> 00:35:55.559
was white dude from the States, you know, so that
633
00:35:56.239 --> 00:35:58.760
piece of it is like there's so many different elements
634
00:35:58.760 --> 00:36:00.000
of it to have as a discusion.
635
00:36:00.559 --> 00:36:00.800
You know.
636
00:36:01.119 --> 00:36:03.039
I trust that she had had that discussion with him.
637
00:36:03.119 --> 00:36:05.960
I'm not sure, but you know, those are things I
638
00:36:05.960 --> 00:36:08.679
think that are important because then you have these mixed
639
00:36:08.760 --> 00:36:12.320
kids who might have a parent a stepparent now who
640
00:36:12.320 --> 00:36:14.519
doesn't represent the culture that they're from, and it may
641
00:36:14.519 --> 00:36:17.039
not be a big deal, but oftentimes when I speak
642
00:36:17.079 --> 00:36:18.119
to kids, it's a big deal.
643
00:36:19.039 --> 00:36:23.119
Yeah, yeah, yeah, going back to the really important point
644
00:36:23.159 --> 00:36:27.039
about prioritizing the kids in that in your next relationship,
645
00:36:27.039 --> 00:36:29.880
if the kids came first, prioritizing them, I think if
646
00:36:29.880 --> 00:36:34.800
parents can keep that thought that'll be helpful, because you know,
647
00:36:35.480 --> 00:36:38.480
standing in the shoes a parent who has been divorced, unhappily married,
648
00:36:38.519 --> 00:36:40.599
and then they find someone that they really want to
649
00:36:40.639 --> 00:36:42.599
marry and they think they can be happy. And you
650
00:36:42.639 --> 00:36:45.239
hear about second marriages really lasting a long time. So
651
00:36:45.280 --> 00:36:47.800
I get that, I get that you're madly in love, right,
652
00:36:47.880 --> 00:36:51.519
but that can't be enough, unfortunately. I mean, it just
653
00:36:51.599 --> 00:36:57.079
can't because I can only imagine all the potential trauma
654
00:36:57.159 --> 00:37:02.480
for this child seeing the parent that they love very happy,
655
00:37:02.599 --> 00:37:07.320
but understanding that this other person that there's now a
656
00:37:07.360 --> 00:37:09.239
family unit that they are not a part of, or
657
00:37:09.239 --> 00:37:10.559
they don't look to be a part of.
658
00:37:10.920 --> 00:37:11.440
Yeah.
659
00:37:12.239 --> 00:37:15.400
And I think also as I was thinking about the
660
00:37:15.440 --> 00:37:17.639
things that you want to know, I mean to see
661
00:37:17.639 --> 00:37:21.679
whether your new partner is going to be be culturally appropriate.
662
00:37:21.800 --> 00:37:24.239
I guess what I'd also want to know is are
663
00:37:24.239 --> 00:37:28.360
they willing? Do they have an open mind? Because you know,
664
00:37:28.440 --> 00:37:31.960
you can't know everything, particularly if it's not your culture,
665
00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:34.800
but at least if you're willing to acknowledge that, it's
666
00:37:34.840 --> 00:37:38.639
important to know. But I'm really glad we're having this
667
00:37:38.679 --> 00:37:41.599
conversation because I think it's really important for parents to
668
00:37:41.719 --> 00:37:45.079
keep all this in mind when they're trying to. I mean,
669
00:37:45.159 --> 00:37:47.960
I would imagine upon the divorce, you're prioritizing your own
670
00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:51.639
happiness to some extent, because absolutely it's that which has
671
00:37:51.800 --> 00:37:55.320
caused you to get to this point. So that's important.
672
00:37:55.639 --> 00:38:00.079
Self care is important, but I mean you are I
673
00:38:00.079 --> 00:38:02.440
think it's really easy to lose track of the impact
674
00:38:02.519 --> 00:38:04.280
I could have on your kids. And this is not
675
00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:07.760
to assign any massive guilt or anything, it's just the
676
00:38:07.840 --> 00:38:08.599
reality of it.
677
00:38:08.920 --> 00:38:12.519
Well, that's the tough part about parenting is, Yeah, you're
678
00:38:12.519 --> 00:38:15.519
supposed to prioritize your self care and yourself and your
679
00:38:15.559 --> 00:38:19.519
happiness and your needs while also making sure that your
680
00:38:19.599 --> 00:38:21.559
kids are taking care of and their needs are also
681
00:38:21.599 --> 00:38:24.400
being met. So it's like, how do I balance and
682
00:38:24.440 --> 00:38:28.440
prioritize it? And then you could feel I'm being selfless
683
00:38:28.440 --> 00:38:31.519
and a martyr. I'm being selfish, Like where do I go?
684
00:38:31.679 --> 00:38:34.880
And it's not easy. It isn't easy. We're not even
685
00:38:34.920 --> 00:38:37.039
saying that it's we can break it down to make
686
00:38:37.079 --> 00:38:39.360
it's Oh, it's just simple. Just get married and make
687
00:38:39.360 --> 00:38:41.199
sure your kids are a priority. You know, Like it's
688
00:38:41.199 --> 00:38:45.119
not that simple, but it is important to consider and
689
00:38:45.199 --> 00:38:48.800
to even say it out loud that you know, I
690
00:38:48.920 --> 00:38:54.639
really your happiness is so important to me. And I
691
00:38:54.800 --> 00:38:57.119
also feel like I'm ready to move forward and I
692
00:38:57.159 --> 00:39:00.480
have someone in my life that I would really like
693
00:39:00.519 --> 00:39:02.159
to date. I want to make sure that you meet him.
694
00:39:02.199 --> 00:39:03.719
I want to make sure that you meet her, and
695
00:39:04.239 --> 00:39:06.559
I want your honest opinion about it and knowing that
696
00:39:06.599 --> 00:39:09.440
you may not like her or him right away. And
697
00:39:09.519 --> 00:39:12.960
I get it, but no one will ever replace your mom,
698
00:39:13.000 --> 00:39:15.079
no one will ever replace your dad. That is not
699
00:39:15.119 --> 00:39:17.400
what I'm trying to do. And they're not going to
700
00:39:17.400 --> 00:39:18.880
be your second mom, they're not going to be your
701
00:39:18.920 --> 00:39:21.400
second dad. So again, there's a whole different conversation about
702
00:39:21.400 --> 00:39:25.000
than stepparents and what their role should be. But it's
703
00:39:25.079 --> 00:39:27.880
really important that they understand and that the focus should
704
00:39:27.880 --> 00:39:31.519
be on familiar being familiar with that person, being connected
705
00:39:31.519 --> 00:39:34.800
with that person, and that they don't need to call
706
00:39:34.880 --> 00:39:37.760
them mom and dad right away if they don't want to.
707
00:39:37.800 --> 00:39:40.679
They don't need to rely on them being now another
708
00:39:40.880 --> 00:39:43.679
parent to enforce the rules, like that should not be
709
00:39:43.760 --> 00:39:48.960
the priority, like this is your relationship. Your kid didn't
710
00:39:48.960 --> 00:39:52.639
ask for this, you did, and so really making sure
711
00:39:52.719 --> 00:39:55.599
that like yes, this is the person I'm choosing. It
712
00:39:55.639 --> 00:39:58.159
may not be the person my kid is choosing. However,
713
00:39:58.519 --> 00:40:00.760
I still want to make sure my child is involved
714
00:40:00.800 --> 00:40:02.760
in the process and familiar with this person.
715
00:40:04.480 --> 00:40:07.280
I think it's important. You know, I loved your story
716
00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:10.360
about your two siblings being really down with the program,
717
00:40:10.480 --> 00:40:17.840
and you'll be the e and your mom saying my
718
00:40:17.960 --> 00:40:20.000
daughter is not happy with this, we have to wait.
719
00:40:20.239 --> 00:40:22.119
And I think that we have to wait is important
720
00:40:22.199 --> 00:40:25.719
because I would imagine that parents, having found this new
721
00:40:25.760 --> 00:40:27.880
partner that they really want to spend their life with,
722
00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:30.519
or even just some time with an objecting child. It's
723
00:40:30.519 --> 00:40:33.679
going to be hard not to be concerned, annoyed, and
724
00:40:33.760 --> 00:40:38.480
upset about that. Because so we're not saying, let your
725
00:40:38.559 --> 00:40:43.239
child blow up your relationship and right, it's like, it's
726
00:40:43.280 --> 00:40:45.840
not like prioritize them to the point that you are
727
00:40:45.880 --> 00:40:49.320
only living for them now. But I do I like
728
00:40:49.480 --> 00:40:51.760
that what your mom did sort of give them time,
729
00:40:52.840 --> 00:40:57.760
let acknowledge their their response is a natural response, as
730
00:40:57.760 --> 00:41:01.159
opposed to being offended or taking it personally as a
731
00:41:01.199 --> 00:41:04.440
parent that this child is messing up my plan to
732
00:41:04.519 --> 00:41:06.679
right to move forward, I think.
733
00:41:07.079 --> 00:41:09.679
But it's a perspective. I say a lot that it's
734
00:41:09.719 --> 00:41:12.559
important as parents, and it's hard, okay, as a parent
735
00:41:12.599 --> 00:41:15.039
to two teens myself, it is hard not to take
736
00:41:15.159 --> 00:41:19.760
it personally their objection or protests or attitude or feelings.
737
00:41:19.800 --> 00:41:22.800
It's hard not to take it personally. But it's so
738
00:41:22.920 --> 00:41:26.639
important that you don't make it about you, because ultimately,
739
00:41:26.679 --> 00:41:30.079
when my mom found out, it wasn't about him. It
740
00:41:30.119 --> 00:41:32.639
wasn't about her decision. I loved him, I loved his
741
00:41:33.280 --> 00:41:38.920
kids too. It was about me. I didn't want to
742
00:41:38.960 --> 00:41:40.920
feel like my name is this and her last name
743
00:41:41.000 --> 00:41:43.519
is this. That was the issue. It was about me,
744
00:41:44.000 --> 00:41:47.000
right right? And so if she had made about her,
745
00:41:47.039 --> 00:41:48.920
why are you trying to ruin my life? And why
746
00:41:48.920 --> 00:41:51.159
are you trying to mess things up like that, she
747
00:41:51.159 --> 00:41:53.440
would have missed the whole point and I would have
748
00:41:53.440 --> 00:41:55.079
shut down and she never would have found out the
749
00:41:55.119 --> 00:41:59.599
actual issue. So it's so important that we make sure
750
00:42:00.360 --> 00:42:03.679
that we pace ourselves. Our world is so fast paced
751
00:42:04.280 --> 00:42:08.519
and everybody wants everything so fast and immediate, and when
752
00:42:08.559 --> 00:42:11.360
our kid isn't able to process these feelings, because how
753
00:42:11.400 --> 00:42:15.559
do you process these feelings and put them into words? How?
754
00:42:15.960 --> 00:42:19.719
And I was an insightful kid, but I'm still a kid,
755
00:42:20.199 --> 00:42:23.599
and so how do you put like no, like, well,
756
00:42:23.679 --> 00:42:26.920
but you like him and his kids, why would you protest? Well,
757
00:42:26.960 --> 00:42:28.880
it had nothing to do with him and the kids.
758
00:42:28.880 --> 00:42:33.119
He had to do with the last name. And so
759
00:42:33.559 --> 00:42:36.920
it's just something that's so simple, but it was significant
760
00:42:36.920 --> 00:42:39.440
for a little child's mind. And we have to take
761
00:42:39.480 --> 00:42:42.360
our time and not rush the process. Like, what are
762
00:42:42.400 --> 00:42:45.119
you rushing? There's no need to rush, right, slow it
763
00:42:45.159 --> 00:42:47.920
down a little bit, right, No, that's really good advice.
764
00:42:48.320 --> 00:42:52.199
So my final question, so parents have listened to this,
765
00:42:52.199 --> 00:42:56.920
this really good advice and helpful advice. But what do
766
00:42:56.960 --> 00:42:59.079
you say to that parent who's listening now and says,
767
00:43:00.239 --> 00:43:04.440
I'm not getting this right. I have screwed up royally. Yeah,
768
00:43:04.599 --> 00:43:08.360
I have done this wrong. We're already divorced. I've made
769
00:43:08.360 --> 00:43:11.159
my child the I've played the victim or whatever. I've
770
00:43:11.159 --> 00:43:14.679
done the wrong thing. I know that there's always an
771
00:43:14.679 --> 00:43:19.159
opportunity to reset, But how do you begin to reset this?
772
00:43:19.800 --> 00:43:23.239
Yes, absolutely love that question, and I'm so glad you
773
00:43:23.280 --> 00:43:27.400
asked the question because that is a very common experience.
774
00:43:27.639 --> 00:43:30.360
So I want that parent to know that it's okay
775
00:43:30.519 --> 00:43:32.639
that you feel like you screwed it up. That is
776
00:43:32.679 --> 00:43:36.039
a common experience. Lots of people like there is no
777
00:43:37.800 --> 00:43:40.280
right manual to follow to like this is the proper
778
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:43.239
steps for divorce, Like there might be out there somewhere,
779
00:43:43.280 --> 00:43:47.719
but that we're trying our best, and you're doing your best.
780
00:43:47.880 --> 00:43:51.000
You did what you thought was best based on maybe
781
00:43:51.039 --> 00:43:53.639
no model at all, or a very poor model from
782
00:43:53.679 --> 00:43:58.800
your own childhood. So but the cool thing is, and
783
00:43:58.880 --> 00:44:02.440
I write that about in my book all throughout, that
784
00:44:02.599 --> 00:44:05.599
you can always mess up and you can still redeem
785
00:44:06.000 --> 00:44:08.119
the stuff that you lost. You can restore what you
786
00:44:08.239 --> 00:44:12.800
lost every time, and you just repair that. A lot
787
00:44:12.840 --> 00:44:16.760
of us as kids and teenagers, we didn't get that
788
00:44:16.800 --> 00:44:19.519
from our own parents when they messed up. They're just like, well,
789
00:44:19.840 --> 00:44:21.400
you shouldn't have made me mess up, like we were
790
00:44:21.400 --> 00:44:25.920
always blamed for it. So it's okay to then say,
791
00:44:26.000 --> 00:44:28.559
I need to talk with you about something really important
792
00:44:28.559 --> 00:44:32.679
to me, because I messed up when your dad and I,
793
00:44:32.719 --> 00:44:35.920
when your mom and I divorced, we did not do
794
00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:39.199
it the right way. We didn't have conversations with you
795
00:44:39.840 --> 00:44:41.559
whatever it is that you messed up on, and you
796
00:44:41.639 --> 00:44:44.880
get very specific in terms of the behavior they observed
797
00:44:45.400 --> 00:44:47.360
that has been affecting them. You don't have to go
798
00:44:47.360 --> 00:44:50.960
into all the personal details, and I know that I
799
00:44:51.039 --> 00:44:54.079
messed up and I hurt you a lot and our
800
00:44:54.119 --> 00:44:57.719
actions hurt you a lot, and I'm deeply sorry, and
801
00:44:57.760 --> 00:45:00.320
I want to reset. I want to make it up
802
00:45:00.320 --> 00:45:04.400
to you, and I want us to refresh how things
803
00:45:04.400 --> 00:45:06.960
are going. And I care about what you think, and
804
00:45:07.000 --> 00:45:08.639
I want to hear about what you think and feel
805
00:45:08.639 --> 00:45:11.280
about this. So I would just say, like, own it,
806
00:45:11.519 --> 00:45:15.360
own it, show remorse, and apologize, because that is such
807
00:45:15.360 --> 00:45:19.480
an amazing model for kids to see and to acknowledge
808
00:45:19.480 --> 00:45:21.480
that I know you're not fine. I'm not fine. None
809
00:45:21.519 --> 00:45:25.679
of us are fine, and this is why. And I'm
810
00:45:25.719 --> 00:45:28.719
seeing the light and you were right. I was wrong,
811
00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:30.000
and I want to reset.
812
00:45:31.119 --> 00:45:35.320
So valuable. That was a great script for parents to hear.
813
00:45:35.840 --> 00:45:42.519
And you can't say enough about the value of acknowledging
814
00:45:42.519 --> 00:45:48.440
your wrong, apologizing to your kids and meaning it. Yeah. Yeah,
815
00:45:49.239 --> 00:45:52.239
So I'm going to wrap it up here, Doctor Lockhart,
816
00:45:52.559 --> 00:45:55.280
thank you so much, so much for joining us on
817
00:45:55.320 --> 00:45:58.280
the podcast today and for talking to us about this
818
00:45:58.360 --> 00:46:02.400
really important topic and giving helpful advice. I really appreciate it,
819
00:46:02.400 --> 00:46:05.159
and I know parents everywhere do as well, and so
820
00:46:05.599 --> 00:46:07.679
I just have to say before we go that parents
821
00:46:07.679 --> 00:46:11.000
of teens and tweens and parents of who want to
822
00:46:11.039 --> 00:46:13.000
be parents of teens and tweens be sure to pick
823
00:46:13.079 --> 00:46:15.280
up a copy of doctor Lockhart's book, Love the Teen
824
00:46:15.360 --> 00:46:18.320
You Have. It's a wonderfully helpful guide to parenting through
825
00:46:18.360 --> 00:46:22.239
those teen years, which can get pretty complicated. As most
826
00:46:22.239 --> 00:46:25.960
of parenting can get pretty complicated, but thanks to doctor Lockhart,
827
00:46:26.480 --> 00:46:28.599
we're gonna have an easier time of it. Thank you
828
00:46:28.679 --> 00:46:30.800
so much for joining us, Thanks.
829
00:46:30.559 --> 00:46:31.360
For having me, Carol.
830
00:46:34.400 --> 00:46:37.239
I hope everyone listening enjoyed this conversation that you'll come
831
00:46:37.280 --> 00:46:40.480
back for more. Please subscribe, rate and review where you
832
00:46:40.519 --> 00:46:43.639
find your podcasts and tell your friends. For more parenting
833
00:46:43.639 --> 00:46:46.159
info and advice, please check out the ground Control Parenting
834
00:46:46.320 --> 00:46:51.039
website at www groundcontrolparenting dot com. You can also find
835
00:46:51.119 --> 00:46:54.119
us on Facebook and Instagram at ground Control Parenting on
836
00:46:54.159 --> 00:46:58.199
LinkedIn under Carol Sutton Lewis. Until the next time, take
837
00:46:58.239 --> 00:46:59.760
care and thanks for listening.