Timothy (DM)
Welcome to Shadows of Prophecy, a D&D real play podcast, where we will find out what it takes to become a hero, face our darkest fears, and pull ourselves out of a pit of despair. Shadows of Prophecy is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast with violent themes and adult language. Listener discretion is advised.
Timothy (DM)
With us today to traverse through adventures of loss and tragedy, we have myself, Timothy, as our ambivalent DM; Helen as "No, not that bush" druid, Panret. Russell as "I'll try anything" Wild Surge Berzerker, Uprielyn Upri; and Kendrick as our designated driver, Monk Yonce Bey. Join us as we enter the Shadows of Prophecy. Prologue: A World Unravels. Chapter Seven - A False Shepherd.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when you hear a rustle in the bushes behind you. As you turn around to see a town's member kind of stumbling forward. Their face... give me an Insight check, actually. Everybody give me Insight check.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Even me?
Timothy (DM)
Yeahhhh.
Helen (Panret)
14.
Russell (Upri)
19.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 15.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so Upri, you notice that they seem anguished, like they're kind of sad and kind of in not pain, but discomfort, and their body is kind of lurching forward towards the statue, and they look at you and they start to speak.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
[shaky] Pleasssse, I BEG of you. Let us complete the cycle. Y-y-you don't know what you are upsetting. [heavy breathing]
Russell (Upri)
"No offense, 'cause I don't really know you that well, but uh, I'm gonna rule on this one that my life is more important than yours. So, toodles!" and I keep going.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
I can't stop it. It's taking me! [labored fast breathing]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me gooo-wuh.
Russell (Upri)
You lay in the bed you make. Bye!
Timothy (DM)
And as they're starting to, like, shake [Russell: "Oh fuck"] and convulse, you see their skin starts to split [Russell retches] and crack and peel off of their arms.
Russell (Upri)
We break into a run! [rushed breathing]
Timothy (DM)
--you hear... you start running and all you can hear behind you is the cracking of bones.
Russell (Upri)
[fearful] Pan Pan, you can live with us now.
Helen (Panret)
[anxious exhale] Let's gooooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] No, let me goooo-wuh.
Helen (Panret)
Yonce, not now.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I wanna be with the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, make another Charisma saving throw as everybody rolls initiative.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13
Timothy (DM)
You have advantage. Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Remember, it's with advantage so roll twice and take the highest.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You got a 13. All right. [singing] What a lovely way to start thisssss.
Russell (Upri)
[shaking their damn head] Ay-yi-yi.
Timothy (DM)
All right. Upri What are you doing? You see Yonce is still slowly lumbering towards the statue. Very much.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[hypnotically] I wanna touch the statuuuuue. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yonce broke-broke free of my--?
Timothy (DM)
No, no, no. Still going, still charmed. Ritt is charmed by the statue, and you see this person 30 yards out transforming into some sort of... "thing". It's hard to tell exactly what it will become, but it is a gruesome sight nonetheless.
Helen (Panret)
You said its skin and bones were cracking. Is it bloody?
Timothy (DM)
Oh yeah: it's splitting, sloughing off; there's blood; bones are cracking; and, like, a form is starting to, like, grow out of all of the, like, lacerations.
Russell (Upri)
[disgusted] Uck.
Helen (Panret)
Gross.
Timothy (DM)
Uh huh. Yeah. [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Okay. Okay.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me go, Upri. I want to touch the statue.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, no! You're not in your right mind. You'd do this for me.
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] Yeah, me and Upri are both, like, holding on to Yonce, like...
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're not my real sibling; let me go!
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, let's just drag Yon and keep heading for the creek. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Helen (Panret)
Let's get out of here.
Timothy (DM)
So, we're going to treat that like difficult terrain because you're dragging a charmed person along. So, you maybe get 15 feet out. Yonce, make a Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13.
Timothy (DM)
With advantage?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yep.
Timothy (DM)
All right. That does not do it. [Russell and Tim laugh] You still love the Goddess!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[lovesick] Oh, I love the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
--She is your everything
Kendrick (Yonce)
[delicate whisper] She is my everthing.
Timothy (DM)
--she is so beautiful and warm and brilliant.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Mmmmm, yassss. [Tim laughs] Mmmmm, I want to touch the Goddess. Let me goooo, you plant-loving heathens. Let me go!
Russell (Upri)
What the fuck you just say, Yon? I will smack the shit out of you! [Tim sighs]
Timothy (DM)
Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
Well, so I'm just trying to, like, so push Yonce with... and Upri, like, get out of here. So, what action is that?
Timothy (DM)
You're trying to, like, push them along or are you still trying to drag?
Helen (Panret)
I'm, like, pushing along. So, I don't know, we move?
Timothy (DM)
Oh! Yeah, you move another, like... yeah, you start making your way through the forest, stepping over logs, pushing through bushes, trying to coax Yonce as you're, like, looking, and this person is, like, finally finishing its transformation, and out of it has, like, burst all of these, like, gnarled black vines that are just, like, amalgamating into a quadrapedal form as it lets out this roar, and you see it's, like, tendrilly bits are, like, pulsating and, like, waving in the air, and it starts to charge you all.
Russell (Upri)
We're working together to, uh--
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, I hope it ain't fast! [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[gleeful "Ummm...] So, I had said that it was 30 feet away. You've made it another 30 feet by prodding Yonce along, so it has to charge at you; it uses its action to charge, and it is right on you now--
Russell (Upri)
So we're threatened?
Timothy (DM)
--it is, like, raising one of its claws to just, like, slash across you. Upri, what are you doing?
Russell (Upri)
I'm going to toss Yonce away [Tim laughs, Kendrick does an old man grunt] and then get between Pan Pan and the creature, drawing out Fern "You're going to... get, have to get through me, Fuckface. [Tim laughs] Also, you smell bad!"
Kendrick (Yonce)
[deadpan] Burn.
Timothy (DM)
Burn. The biggest burn, totally. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
How does Upri look, by the way?
Russell (Upri)
She has a bunch of, like, cuts where your-your ice dagger exploded and got stuck in her chest. [Kendrick laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Okay.
Russell (Upri)
But other than that just a few bruises from getting poked real hard.
Timothy (DM)
Great. Are you making an attack?
Russell (Upri)
Oh, I can do that. and throw Yonce? And push?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, that's a free action to just shove. Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Cool, I'm gonna WOMP. "Come on, Fern. Let's do these!" That's a natural 1.
Timothy (DM)
That does not do it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[cackles]
Helen (Panret)
Wow.
Timothy (DM)
All rightttt, um...
Russell (Upri)
So, in the tussle of throwin' Yon, gettin' in front of Pan Pan, and also drawnin' out Fern and swingin', I just flop.
Timothy (DM)
You just flop. Yep. Okay. Yonce, 'nother Charisma saaaaave.
Kendrick (Yonce)
9.
Russell (Upri)
You need to get different dice.
Timothy (DM)
Oh my gosh. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] Trading out dice. Nothing is breaking you from this, uh--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[morosely] I'll use it next turn.
Timothy (DM)
--little charm. You're quite upset that they're, like, pulling you away from her. Like, "What the fuck? I thought they were my friends."
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in deep voice] Yeah, bro, why are you pulling me away from the Goddess?
Timothy (Ritt)
You hear Ritt in the background like "What the fuck are you doing, guyssss? Let Yonce touch the Goddessssss."
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] Yeah, let me touch the Goddessssss. Ritt's right. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[pointing their finger] Ritt, you shut your stupid yoga mouth!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Aw, don't tell Ritt to shut up; she's my best friennnnd.
Russell (Upri)
No she ain't, Yon. [Tim sighs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, she is. Oooo, I want to touch the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] And with that, it's Panret's turn.
Helen (Panret)
All right, I'm gonna Cure Wounds on Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Thank youuuu.
Helen (Panret)
Upri, is it ok if I touch your back.
Russell (Upri)
It sure is, just try not to hit any of the gashes you put there. [devilish George Bush-esque snicker, Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[hands on hip, taken aback] Alright! I'm NOT gonna heal Upri then... [Russell winces] [playfully] No, no. So, I'm gonna cast Cure Wounds, and I kind of give you, like, a little pat on the back. So that is using a d8 [mental math] That's 9. Healing for 9.
Russell (Upri)
Ooo, thank you. Oh, dang, that's nice and warm and tingling, Pan Pan. [Helen laughs] OOO!
Timothy (DM)
It gets, like, some IcyHot, like... [laughs] [Editor's Note: IcyHot is a type of topical analgesic applied to the skin]
Russell (Upri)
Oh yeah, my muscles are all relaxed now. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[talking to the camera] IcyHot: Icy to treat the pain, then Hot to relax it away.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, at this point, you notice something very weird. [laughs] Super weird,
Russell (Upri)
Great.
Timothy (DM)
I'm just telling you: it's weird, and when I explain it, you're going to understand that it is weird. The statue... you see its head start to turn towards you all, and then you see it starts to slowly move its arms and raise a foot as it starts stepping closer. Verrrry slowly. And the vines that were growing over it start to snap.
Russell (Upri)
Shit.
Helen (Panret)
Uh-oh.
Timothy (DM)
--as you hear a twig break beneath its stone foot.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[moony] It's so beautiful.
Helen (Panret)
This is not right. This is not right! [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, grab Yon and get the fuck out of here. I'll hold it off as long as I can.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when the beast claws across Upri. Oh, no! And crits.
Russell (Upri)
Perfect, bring it on!
Timothy (DM)
--with their claw attack.
Russell (Upri)
Love it!
Timothy (DM)
For 14 slashing damage--
Russell (Upri)
All right.
Timothy (DM)
[not finished yet] --plus 7 acid damage. [Russell winces]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in strained voice] You need another Cure Wounds?
Russell (Upri)
Fuck! [dying noises] You gotta get out of here. I'm not gonna be able to hold it off for long. Pan Pan, RUN! [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[sing-songy] Upri, it's your turrrrrrn.
Russell (Upri)
I stumble, having almost died, and I'm going to take Fern and swing at it again. Just to clarify, it's a large creature right?
Timothy (DM)
Mm-hmm. And as you're swinging, make a Wisdom saving throw.
Russell (Upri)
Whyyy? [Helen laughs] 9.
Timothy (DM)
Now make your attack. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Okay...okay...
Kendrick (Yonce)
The DM is choosing chaos on this Sunday morning.
Russell (Upri)
[heartfelt] Upri, it's been a pleasure having you as a character; I will miss you. That is a 22 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
22 will hit.
Russell (Upri)
And that is for 4 damage, bludgeoning--
Timothy (DM)
4 damage, bludgeoning.
Russell (Upri)
--as I slam Fern into one of its legs.
Timothy (DM)
We're good.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, are we? Oh, I'm so... I'm so glad you're so concerned about the well-being of... [Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Ohmygod, what's happening?
Kendrick (Yonce)
The DM has red makeup on, and the red makeup is making them evil today.
Timothy (DM)
EEEEVILLLL. Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!
Russell (Upri)
Yon, snap the shit out of it.
Timothy (DM)
And it is Yonce's turn. Make. That. Charisma saving throw with your new dice.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[rolling with new dice] Yay, 17!
Timothy (DM)
A 17 will do it! Yay!
Russell (Upri)
Thank you, bisexual die!
Helen (Panret)
It's the bisexual die!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Bisexual die! So, as I get tossed to the floor, like, I hit my head on a small pebble. [Tim laughs] I'm like, *UHH*
Timothy (DM)
Just a small pebble.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Just a small one because we're not trying to do internal brain damage. Just something to wake my ass up. I'm, like, *UHH* and I look at Upri: "Ouch. That hurt when you tossed me." and then I actually realize that you're QUITE injured. [Tim laughs] "Oh, shit. What the heck? What happened? Where am I?" Would I remember?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah. So, when you come to, you realize that you've been charmed. You have memory of everything; you just, like, are confused and confounded by your actions in the last 10 seconds or so.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I can't believe I said Ritt was my best friend. *Uck*. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, he's so fuckin' annoying.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, you have to get back to the Nim Nim and the others. You have to get them out of the forest.
Kendrick (Yonce)
"I am not going to leave you." So, I'm going to take my Rihanna and my dart for my two handed action. I'm going to swing Rihanna which is the yklwa. Does a 10 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[evilly and slowly] A 10 does not.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[groan] Alright, and then I shoot my dart--
Helen (Panret)
[narrating Tim's expression] "Tim says, looking pleased."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 19 hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 19 does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[a la the Thor squinting meme] Oh, does it?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Yeah, it does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, it's just 1d4 minus... not with the +2. So, I didn't need it. That's a 5. 5 dartish damage.
Russell (Upri)
Uh, that's a d6.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
That's why it's a 5. Roll this one!
Timothy (DM)
Is that why the dart was doing so much damage? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
No, the first time I clicked on this [presumably a DNDBeyond button] [Tim laughs] And it's still a 4, so take that, beast! Both the beasts and the DM.
Timothy (DM)
[coldly] So 4 damage?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, I'm serious. You need to get OUT of here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I am not leaving you here.
Helen (Panret)
We can't just leave you here--
Kendrick (Yonce)
--to die. That would complete their freakin' ritual.
Russell (Upri)
[sigh] I should've just went through with it.
Timothy (Ritt)
Just let it finisssssh
Kendrick (Yonce)
Shut up, Ritt. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (Ritt)
Just goooo, and we'll all be back together where we need to be. Let the cycle complete.
Russell (Upri)
[casually] I'll use my bonus action to throw a javelin at Ritt. [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
If anyone needs to get out of here, it's you Upri.
Helen (Panret)
I agree.
Russell (Upri)
No, I can't do that.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, you can you just pick up your two feet in book it. [laughing] Me and Pan can handle it with our "limited" weapons.
Timothy (DM)
All right, it is Panret's turn.
Helen (Panret)
All right. This time, Panret puts TWO hands on Upri's back, casting it in second spell slot. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, you're gonna hold me up at the same time? [Russell and Helen laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Second level Cure Wounds!
Helen (Panret)
Doin' like a trust fall. Alright, your wounds are getting FUCKING cured. Alright.
Timothy (DM)
Very serious face on right now. I wish I had a good commentator voice; I don't. But pretend that I have a good commentator voice, and I am narrating the seriousness of Helen's roll, and their very very sad face and things...
Russell (Upri)
Oh no.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Helen (Panret)
[deflated] 7?
Russell (Upri)
[strained] I'll take it. Doesn't quite feels good as before, which is weird, but I appreciate it nonetheless, Pan Pan.
Timothy (DM)
Sevennnn healing.
Russell (Upri)
--seriously, grab Yon and get the fuck outta here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm-I'm cured.
Helen (Panret)
We can't just leave you here.
Russell (Upri)
I'll hold off as long as I can. I'm quicker than you.
Helen (Panret)
You're also injured--
Russell (Upri)
Hasn't stopped me before.
Helen (Panret)
GRAVELY injured.
Timothy (DM)
And the beast, as Panret's turn is over, orrect?
Helen (Panret)
Correct.
Timothy (DM)
All right. The beast is going to make everybody make a Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quickly] I disengage and run! [OOC] I'm kidding. [all laugh] What does the heart mean? [Editor's Note: refers to the heart symbol on the d20]
Timothy (DM)
As it rears up on its hind legs, and you see the, like, tendrils that formed its face, flail and flare out like a rattlesnake wailing its tail, shaking its tail, and all the tendrils are just like *CRRRRRSRRRR*.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Ew.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, what are those Christmas saving throw?
Helen (Panret)
12.
Russell (Upri)
3.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a nat 20, so 21.
Timothy (DM)
All right, Panret, Upri: y'all are charmed.
Russell (Upri)
[unhappy] Great.
Timothy (DM)
You'll be able to take another saving throw on your next turn.
Russell (Upri)
Yass, hug me, twig deer daddy!
Timothy (DM)
Um, Upri, which is now. That is your turn, and yeah, you are charmed by the beast until it does damage to you or you pass your Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, I was supposed to roll twice 'cause I have advantage, but nothing can be better than 20, so...
Russell (Upri)
Do I do it at the beginning or the end of my turn?
Timothy (DM)
You could get more 20 'cause the DC could technically be harder than 20. [Editor's Note: Tim misunderstands Kendrick, who was referring to nothing being better than a natural 20, instead thinking Kendrick meant he couldn't roll higher than a DC 20]
Russell (Upri)
19 on my Charisma save.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, you break out of it.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, what the fuck was that shit?!?
Timothy (DM)
You are immune to its "thing" for a little while [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Do I still get to act or is that my turn?
Timothy (DM)
You have a bonus action or a free action.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, I am going to be dumb and put Fern in one hand, pull out my last hand axe, and I want to maneuver around it, staying in threatened squares to try to draw its attention away from Pan Pan and Yon, so it's facing the other way... towards Ritt. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You do that. You pivot around them, readying your axes.
Russell (Upri)
[elegantly] Over here, you snake-bellied... fucker.
Timothy (DM)
Alright. Yonce, it's your turn. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
"It hurts itself in its confusion." [Helen and Tim laugh] [Editor's Note: this is reference to Pokemon, where an enemy can attack itself if under the Confused condition]
Timothy (DM)
Wouldn't that be nice? [laughs] What's Yonce doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to use my-my Rihanna. Does a 7 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, and then I'm going to use my dart. Does a [laughs] 9 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[reassuringly] Nooo. [Russell winces]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, that's all I can do.
Timothy (DM)
Great.
Helen (Panret)
A swing and a miss.
Timothy (DM)
Panret--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Quite literally.
Timothy (DM)
--you have your Charisma save.
Helen (Panret)
2.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, you are charmed by this beast. It is so powerful and wonderful. You just feel supported in its arm.
Helen (Panret)
[dreamily] "Wow, this is, like, so empowering." [Tim laughs] That's it, and that's my turn.
Timothy (DM)
And that's your turn. So! It is going to use another "fun" attack. So, it is currently reared up on its hind legs. Its tendrils are jittering, and it pulses out this, like, beam of black energy that hits you in the chest, and when it does, you start to feel your lifeforce drain out of you. You start to feel cold, and weak, and I'm going to need you to make another Wisdom saving throw.
Helen (Panret)
Ok, Wisdom. [meekly] 11.
Timothy (DM)
You are going to take 22 necrotic damage.
Russell (Upri)
You good?
Helen (Panret)
I have 24 health, so...
Russell (Upri)
[nervous exhale]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can you do Cure Wounds on yourself?
Helen (Panret)
[breathlessly] Wow, I'm... sleepy all of a sudden. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, don't you quit on me.
Helen (Panret)
[long yawn] Waahhhhuuhhh.
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, snap out of it!
Helen (Panret)
[vacantly] Whuuuuuu-uhhhh??? [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Upri, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
I'm gonna look at Yon through, like, on the other side of it. "Yon, I'm serious. If you don't get back to the treehouse and warn any of the others, they're not going to see this thing comin'. You HAVE to get them out of here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
But I can't leave you.
Russell (Upri)
I'll catch up; I always do.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[like a little sister] No, you won't. [chuckle] I don't... I can't leave you.
Russell (Upri)
It'll be fine. Worst case scenario: I die and then this thing just goes away, right?
Timothy (DM)
[earnestly] Right.
Kendrick (Yonce)
As a single thug teardrop falls from my eyes. "I can't leave you." and I'm just, like, very... I'm flustered. I'm having a very, like, "come-to-Goddess" moment.
Russell (Upri)
Upri is going to swing Fern at it one-handed, and I believe I get advantage because we're now flanking it?
Timothy (DM)
You are now flanking it, yeah.
Russell (Upri)
So, that is a 19 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 19 will hit.
Russell (Upri)
And that is for 6 bludgeoning damage, and then I'm going to use my bonus action to attack with my offhanded hand axe. Ooo, that's a 22 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 22 will hit as well.
Russell (Upri)
That's for 3 slashing damage.
Timothy (DM)
All right. It's being whittled away. [jovially] Yonce, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
[in cheerful dismay] Fuck!
Kendrick (Yonce)
S,o I'm going to do the same maneuver as I did last time, and since we are flanked, I get advantage for each of my turns, which is great. Does a 11 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No. Sorry.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 14 hit?
Timothy (DM)
Yes.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right, so that's 1d4--
Timothy (DM)
One might say "just" barely [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Still for 4 damage.
Timothy (DM)
[super impressed] 4 damaaaaaage. Just whittle--
Russell (Upri)
[clapping a hand Yon's shoulder] That's pretty good for a dart.
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] You know, you don't have to say it like that. [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You've whipped out a little pocket knife, and you're just kind of, like, shaving away little scrapings of woods.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm making it sharp. It's the... it's the stones on them that... it creates more damage because they're heavy.
Russell (Upri)
Well, it's like wood right?
Timothy (DM)
It looks kind of wooden-ish.
Russell (Upri)
So, you're like... you're whittle-- you're whittlin' little cute things into it like a Hello Kitty or something. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Exactly.
Timothy (DM)
Sure.
Kendrick (Yonce)
And as I'm doing this, I'm gonna be like "I'm not leaving you, Upri, if it's the last thing I do."
Timothy (DM)
All right, it's Panret's turn.
Russell (Upri)
The last thing I do is gonna be to slap [angry hockey coach voice] THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[chuckling] You can't if you're dead.
Russell (Upri)
Challenge accepted. [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
How're you trying to save yourself? [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
I don't know, I don't know.
Russell (Upri)
This is bad.
Timothy (DM)
Ah, the mental acrobatics right now. [Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, I'm used to only having one encounter and burning everything in that one encounter.
Timothy (DM)
[false confusion] Whaaattt?
Helen (Panret)
I need some elevator music
Russell (Upri)
You lured us into a false sense of security.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[hums Jeopardy "thinking" music]
Timothy (DM)
What, I would never.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, you would.
Timothy (DM)
[cards on the table] Oh, I absolutely would.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah, don't act all innocent... with your ponytail.
Timothy (DM)
That was the whole point: cake, honey, wine, dancing. It's fine. What is Panret doing? [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Panret is gonna try to... heal themself.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Don't you have to make saving throw first?
Russell (Upri)
Oh, you're still charmed.
Helen (Panret)
[head in hands] I'm still CHARRRMMED!
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Timothy (DM)
You are still charmed. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh wait! Sorry, I thought the charm didn't once it hits...
Helen (Panret)
Oh, wait, I took damage from the creature.
Russell (Upri)
But not that because it's spoopy damage?
Timothy (DM)
[pointing to his face] You see my funny face?
Helen (Panret)
What's this face mean?
Timothy (DM)
That is the only attack that it can do and still maintain its charm.
Russell (Upri)
[looking to Helen and Kendrick] So, uh, we're gonna beat up Tim, right?
Helen (Panret)
What, Charisma saving throw?
Timothy (DM)
Charisma saving throw, mm-hmm.
Helen (Panret)
17.
Russell (Upri)
[trimuphantly] Ha!
Timothy (DM)
Okay, you break its pull.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. [big inhale as if emerging from underwater] Okay, I touch my chest with both hands, and I cast the spell, and I heal 9 points of damage.
Timothy (DM)
9 points of damage.
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's still good.
Helen (Panret)
[huge exhale] WHAT IS THIS? [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Fuck if I know, but it sure as hell ain't friendly.
Helen (Panret)
[terrified] Oh my god.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We have to take it down.
Helen (Panret)
I don't think we're going to make it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We're whittling it down.
Timothy (DM)
All right [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit. Where the fuck did the statue go?
Timothy (DM)
You see it's still slowly lumbering towards you, and as you look around, you notice there's another one in a nearby bush--
Russell (Upri)
Another statue?
Timothy (DM)
--slowly pushing through that bush towards you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
What is up with this Weeping Angels bullshit? [Tim laughs] I can't deal with this. Blink!
Russell (Upri)
Fuck fuck fuck!
Kendrick (Yonce)
For the viewers who don't know, Weeping Angels is a Doctor Who reference for statutes that will kill you by essentially taking your lifeforce and putting you in another time. I love Doctor Who: not a sponsor.
Helen (Panret)
Join us next week for more Fun Facts™
Timothy (DM)
Fun Facts™
Russell (Upri)
"All right, we-we got to make a run for it. Maybe this shit can't cross the creek. I don't know, but we need to leave..." Fuck. Upri's gonna use her action to disengage and *FWWP* run away towards the creek, east.
Timothy (DM)
Great. You get 30 feet out!
Russell (Upri)
Yon, Pan Pan, come on! It could technically be less 'cause I was on the other side of the Large creature. So, I feel like--
Timothy (DM)
20 feet out?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Timothy (DM)
Upri is bolting. So, we have Yonce next. What are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
How close is Upri from me? Are you further away from me now?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, like 20 feet away towards the creek.
Kendrick (Yonce)
The thing is if I dashed, I'm boogeying. I'm out.
Russell (Upri)
Do a... well, use an action to Disengage and then run 30 feet so you don't get hit.
Timothy (DM)
You don't get Dash then, but...
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to Disengage, and then I'm going to run 40 feet with my heavy chain mail because I've been training my whole life for this. [Russell winces]
Timothy (DM)
Yep, absolutely. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
The Word of the Day is "wink". [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[mock angry but laughing] NO! Absolutely not. I shoot that down right this instant. [Kendrick laughs, Tim sighs] No, it's fine. So, you get 40 feet out, and Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I scramble after the others, so I Disengage first.
Russell (Upri)
Well, were you in melee range or were you behind...?
Timothy (DM)
You were behind Upri.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You were behind me.
Russell (Upri)
You were behind me before I moved.
Timothy (DM)
You're behind Upri, and it does--
Russell (Upri)
What's its reach?
Timothy (DM)
[surprised] --not have a reach.
Russell (Upri)
So, technically, you weren't in a threatened square.
Helen (Panret)
So, I can dash.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
[determined] Okay, so I fucking BOOK it.
Timothy (DM)
60 feet out, booking it.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, that bush is so fast!
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] From my deadly stupor and I am out of there,
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're like "Fuck nature" now.
Helen (Panret)
All right. So, 60 feet.
Timothy (DM)
All right. And as you are all bolting, it is, like, still reared up on its hind legs. You see, it's trying to like tendril out again, and you see that black pulse as you're, like, just over your shoulder, bolting out of there, Panret, and you see that black pulse start to, like, form and, like, pushes slightly out of its face, but then breaks, and it's then when it realizes that it no longer has you enthralled, and so it starts to run after you. [singing] It is hot on your heels. It's maybe 10 feet away from Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, it'll only move 15 feet?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Or 10 feet? Cool; slow.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Dash
Timothy (DM)
It has other things in mind that it was trying to do.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, it too has the ADHD? [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
It, too, has the ADHD.
Russell (Upri)
It's Upri's turn, yeah?
Timothy (DM)
Mm hmm.
Russell (Upri)
Upri's just gonna keep booking it, put her handaxe away, grab onto Fern with both fists (y'know, white-knucklin' it, light-green-knucklin' it) and just keep running, dashing for the creek.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so it is Yonce's turn. So, Upri's running. Yonce?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'll Dash. So, I'm just gonna dash 80 feet. I book it. I think about shooting an arrow. Like, it's in my... I'm about to throw and I'm like, "You know what? Fuck this." and I just run.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you book it. You're like 80 feet out. Panret is another... or is like 60 feet out. Upri, are you just dashin'?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, we're all full-on running.
Timothy (DM)
It is also just charging through the forest. You hear trees crashing behind you, as it whacks into them, and you're, like, worried at first that, like, you're not going to outrun it, but as it keeps running into trees and rocks and bushes, it's struggling with its size on this terrain, and so you start running and you're running and you're running, and you slowly start to hear the sounds fade. You still here crashing behind, but what would you like to do at this point?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Where is Ritt at this point?
Russell (Upri)
[quietly] Who the fuck cares?
Timothy (DM)
Ritt is long gone; you left them behind.
Russell (Upri)
[quietly to the distance] Bye, Ritt!
Kendrick (Yonce)
He's dead.
Russell (Upri)
[chuckling] Yeah, stomped on by the Goddess. Uh, w-we can't slow down. We got to get to the treehouse. We gotta... we gotta pack up the kids and get out. We can't be--
Helen (Panret)
[looking for answers] What's happening?!?
Russell (Upri)
I don't know. That sh-- I... wuh, who knows what the fuck that is, [in strained worried cowboy voice] but this shit ain't good.
Timothy (DM)
Upri, you see another statue's head peeking out from above a bush.
Russell (Upri)
In front of us?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Drive-by swing?
Timothy (DM)
It's not moving.
Russell (Upri)
Naw, I'm just goona keep running. [to their compatriots] Avoid it!
Helen (Panret)
Running? Ok. We're running.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. Beeline!
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right. We're all... I'm doing... I'm going to Dash too.
Timothy (DM)
You all start running off in a random direction around the forest. Give me Stealth checks with disadvantage.
Russell (Upri)
Not random! Oh, wait, I can't tell what direction it is.
Timothy (DM)
And give me a... Yeah, give me a Survival check to see if you know what direction you're running.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I got a 6 for stealth. And what else are we rolling for?
Helen (Panret)
Survival.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, Survival.
Kendrick (Yonce)
16 for Survival, 6 for Stealth.
Helen (Panret)
Um, 1 for stealth [laughs, Russell: "Oh no"] and 10 for Survival,
Russell (Upri)
14 for both Stealth and Survival.
Helen (Panret)
Wow.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, you are all making your way through the woods, and you know that you've been running north a bit, just as the direct direction away from the encounter that you had originally gone, and so you start to veer off towards the east, and as you're moving east, you notice that you see some crumbled ruins, just, like, buried in the undergrowth of the forest, and you can kind of see that there, like, used to be, like, a cobbled platform that's been since overgrown, and as you look further into the woods, you see, like, larger stone structures all crumbling.
Russell (Upri)
That's suspicious... I keep running!
Timothy (DM)
So, you continue running through the forest. Now, you are heading east towards the creek, and that's when you hear and see it. On the other side of the creek, you see a massive bestial creature. It is currently quite calm. It seems to be lumbering through the forest, and it is very similar to the previous thing that you were trying to run from where its body is kind of formed out of these, like, black gnarly, tenderly root tentacle structures, but it has these, like, almost like wings behind it that are formed from this, like, network of tendrils and hanging from some of the branches are these, like, little wooden stick figures that are, like, bundled together hanging on strings just kind of swaying as this massive creature (twice the size of the last one) lumbers through the forest. You hear its foot stomping as it hits the ground. The, like, branches are knocking over trees; you hear those crashing down, twigs snapping. What do you do?
Russell (Upri)
[woefully] Fuck. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I think we should try to sneak behind it or sneak away from it.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, book it the way it's not moving, following the creek.
Helen (Panret)
Back towards the other creature?
Timothy (DM)
Since you did well enough on your Survival, you know that you're running east, and you can see the creek. The creek runs north to south, and this creatures lumbering from the northern part of the creek from where you're standing towards the south.
Helen (Panret)
What about the Stealth rolls we made?
Timothy (DM)
[coyly] Yeah, you made Stealth rolls. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Cool.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Violence. I swear: violence today. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Quick, we got to get away from the creek. Back into the tree line; we got to keep heading north.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, wouldn't we go southeast though?
Russell (Upri)
No, that things headed south. If we go southeast, we're gonna run into it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, so we'd need to go northeast.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, north first, then east. Let's go
Helen (Panret)
Alright, let's keep running north.
Timothy (DM)
So, you start running through the forest north, you're clearing the logs. Everybody give me a Dexterity save as you're pushing through bushes, cleaning through logs, pushing past trees.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Is anything about being charmed? 'Cause if it's charm, then I have advantage.
Timothy (DM)
No, nothing. This is the Dexterity save.
Russell (Upri)
15.
Helen (Panret)
9.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, no! Okay, I got a five. Ha-ha-HA!
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so you're running running running. Yonce trips over a log, falls flat prone on the ground--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[horizontally] Where the fuck did that come from?
Timothy (DM)
--and as there kinda clambering up again, you all hear and see it. Directly north of you, lumbering through some ruins that you have now been running towards, another creature: massive in size; formed of these gnarly black tendrils; wings extended out of its back; and wooden figurines dangling from the branches as it lumbers through the ruins.
Russell (Upri)
Just for clarification, are you saying "runes" or are you saying "ruins" with a Midwestern accent?
Timothy (DM)
[defensively] Everything's said with a Midwestern accent, um... [laughs] Ru-ins. Like--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, I thought you were saying "runes".
Timothy (DM)
--structures that have been crumbling.
Russell (Upri)
'Cause I pictured a lot of, like, rocks on the ground with symbols on them.
Timothy (DM)
Runes? Yeah, no... not yet. [Russell laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[calmly] Panret is screaming.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Panret's just screaming. *happy sigh*
Russell (Upri)
Oh no. Upri covers Pan Pan's mouth. [Helen makes muffled mouth noises] Pan Pan, calm down. We got... *sigh* fuck. I don't know how we get out of this!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I look petrified and I try to... I'm like... as I fall, I look and I'm trying to scurry backwards towards Panret and Upri and I'm just like "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." but quietly...
Timothy (DM)
As you do that--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quietly] fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Timothy (DM)
--you bump into something and [laughs]--
Kendrick (Yonce)
No! Towards... I was going towards THEM; you can't DO this to meeee-uh! I was... I was scurrying back for them-uh!
Timothy (DM)
--and you all were so distracted by this monster that you didn't see her sneak up: it's the Steward. ;)
Helen (Panret)
[exasperated] *AAAGGGGGHHHH*
Timothy (DM)
--and as Yonce turns around--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[glaring at Tim] You'd better not.
Timothy (DM)
--she smiles at you. [Kendrick gasps, "Fuck"] Everybody roll initiative.
Helen (Panret)
Oh my god. *Aaaaghhh* Fuck.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] Choosing violence. I legit was backing up towards-- [laughs incomprehensibly; Tim sighs]
Helen (Panret)
18.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 18.
Russell (Upri)
4.
Timothy (DM)
What are your Dexterity modifiers, Panret?
Helen (Panret)
-1.
Kendrick (Yonce)
It isssssss 2. +2, so 15. Wowww.
Timothy (DM)
15? And Upri was 4?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Timothy (The Steward)
She smiles at you. "How nice of you to all... make the acquaintance of my lovely 'friendsssss'".
Kendrick (Yonce)
[stone cold] Shut up, bitch.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, what do you do? [Russell and Helen laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to, like, do a, like, backflip away from her, like, up, to get up be, like *Huh-HUH!* and then I'm going to hit her with my-my Rihanna and my dart so... 2 does not hit. Does it hit?
Timothy (DM)
[nicely as possible] No. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 8 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[so nice he said it twice] No. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh gods.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, in my... in my flip, I'm just... I'm all dazed, so I'm-I'm just shooting on this random...
Helen (Panret)
The flip is good, but when you come up, you're facing the wrong direction.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] Exactly, and I'm like "Oh. Shit. Panret, you got to do it."
Timothy (DM)
Alright. Panret, you're up.
Helen (Panret)
[sing-songy] I'm going to use a cantrip because I'm running out of spell slots! Umm, okay...
Timothy (DM)
Love this much.
Helen (Panret)
A Constitution saving... Constitution save, please.
Russell (Upri)
Love the paniced spellcaster dance. [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Ooh, a 4.
Helen (Panret)
No, that does not pass. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] Soooo, this is Poi-son Spray, which is gonna be some poison damage (hopefully at least a couple)... it's 1. [Kendrick and Russell laugh] [singing] 1 poison damage!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Do you want your die back? 'Cause I feel like this is the one that--
Russell (Upri)
[imitating a blown kiss] Like a little *Pfff*. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
I LOVE when people roll 1 for damage 'cause it's the silliest thing.
Helen (Panret)
So, it's like *Pffffp* and then Panret starts screaming again. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Especially, at, like, higher level when, like, everyone's health's like 100. You really just, like, slapped them on the back.
Helen (Panret)
Yyyyyep. Uh-huh.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Slap the bag.
Timothy (DM)
All right, everybody--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Keep hitting her, like I got... [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
You got the one damage, right? You wrote that down? [Russell and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Make a Wisdom save.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We could all save.
Helen (Panret)
17.
Kendrick (Yonce)
5.
Russell (Upri)
15.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] I don't want to die!
Timothy (DM)
All right. Yonce?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[dejected] Yes.
Timothy (DM)
You all hear her say, "Follow" and as soon as she does, Yonce, you start walking off towards the ruins as you see a projection of her start to travel off that direction and she turns to the other two not enthralled by her command.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[brainwashed] Must. Follow. Steward.
Helen (Panret)
So that's her turn?
Timothy (DM)
Uh huh.
Helen (Panret)
So then it's Upri's turn.
Timothy (DM)
it is Upri's turn.
Russell (Upri)
Stew,y-y-you gotta stop this. [Tim laughs] What the fuck are you doing? Turning your own people into those fucking monsters? [long pause] Really? Speechless, Stew? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (The Steward)
She smiles at you. "Whose people?"
Russell (Upri)
Your people. Of Ilrune.
Timothy (The Steward)
[breathlessly] *sigh* People are just... puppets to be controlled. You could have been a puppet, Upri. And you had to ruin it.
Russell (Upri)
"Well, I was about to surrender to save the lives of your people, but God damn it, you're such a piece of shit it makes my ass itch ,so I'm gonna fuck you up!" [Tim laughs] and I grab Fern by both... with both hands, and I'd try to SLAM it into her.
Timothy (DM)
All right, make an attack roll.
Russell (Upri)
8.
Timothy (DM)
She deftly pivots around and misses your attack.
Russell (Upri)
FUCK!
Timothy (DM)
Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[forgetting the Steward's title] Must. Follow. Stewardess.
Russell (Upri)
Yonce, snap out of it!
Kendrick (Yonce)
No. Must, Follow. Steward.
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] I'm like... I like the idea that we're all being like "No, I'm NOT snapping out of it. No."
Timothy (DM)
You... can do nothing. You can do nothing to snap out of this. You MUST finish that command to completion unless her spell is dropped.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I can't even roll nothing?
Helen (Panret)
There's no saving throw?
Timothy (DM)
There's no continued saving throw on this one.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I could die. [back to drone] Must. Follow. Steward. 'Til. Death. Must. Follow.
Timothy (DM)
...and you continue to follow the projection of the Steward. Panret, you see Yonce is 30 feet off into the ruins--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Follllloooooowwww.
Timothy (DM)
At this point, they are starting to walk down stairs.
Helen (Panret)
Are they, like, right next to each other? Yonce and the Steward?
Timothy (DM)
YOU"RE next to the Steward.
Russell (Upri)
It's like a projection.
Timothy (DM)
It has an illusion leading Yonce away.
Helen (Panret)
Oh! Fuck, ok.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whispers to Helen] Ice Dagger the bitch. [Russell laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Well, if I'M next to the Steward, then that means I'm gonna Ice Dagger myself.
Timothy (DM)
[cheery] Mm-hmm.
Russell (Upri)
And me again.
Helen (Panret)
And Upri, who I've already... that was already done once.
Kendrick (Yonce)
But your good old friend Yonce!
Helen (Panret)
What options do we have right now, even? I'm very... I'm feeling very stuck.
Russell (Upri)
I don't know that there are any more.
Timothy (DM)
You have all the options that you want?
Kendrick (Yonce)
You could come try to grab me.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. Pan Pan, go get Yon; I have a plan.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I'm gonna try to go grab Yonce.
Timothy (DM)
All right, so you're going to run after Yonce.
Helen (Panret)
I'm gonna run after Yonce.
Timothy (DM)
You get to the Yonce. You see them starting to descend on these stairs. You look in, and you see the ruins around you are crumbled, but not with age; with destruction, and as you look into the room, you see a faint glowing purple light at the bottom of the stairs. You grab Yonce, and you start pulling them back up the stairs. I need you two to make contested Strength saves.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Please be a 1, please be a 1. [Helen laughs] It's a ssss-- 8.
Helen (Panret)
I got a 10.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, you are overpowering Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow. Let. Go.
Timothy (DM)
--and you start pulling them up the stairs, pulling them out of the ruin, and it's again... we're gonna treat this like difficult terrain mechanics. You're moving half your speed away, but that's your turn.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, so it's the Steward turn?
Timothy (DM)
Yep. Upri. Make an Intelligence saving throw.
Russell (Upri)
[laughs] How dare you? [Kendrick laughs] [groans] I'll try this dice. 16.
Timothy (The Steward)
You feel this, like, burning pain in your head and this, like, ringing noise starts to build, and you hear the Steward begin to speak as the pain is subsiding. "Oh, Upri. I have "plans" for you. If only you'd let go." and it's your turn. :)
Russell (Upri)
"I ain't nobody's puppet, you egg-suckin' bitch." [Tim loses it] and then Upri gently puts Fern down beside her, pulls out her hand axe, and cuts her wrist. [dead silence]
Timothy (DM)
[surprised] Oh! All right....... you do that. You cut your wrist?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, this bitch ain't gettin' me.
Timothy (DM)
Blood starts to pour out. Make a damage roll on yourself.
Russell (Upri)
5.
Timothy (DM)
We will absolutely put a trigger warning on this episode.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes [laughs] Ooof.
Timothy (DM)
5. All right. You take 5 slashing damage.
Russell (Upri)
Should I have passed first before I did that?
Timothy (DM)
You're fine, and you see her face breaks as you do that.
Russell (Upri)
Like she loses her cool?
Timothy (DM)
Give me an Insight!
Russell (Upri)
15.
Timothy (DM)
She seems disappointed.
Russell (Upri)
Good thing I ain't tryin' to please that bitch. No way.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, you are still struggling, fighting against Panret, but they are pulling you away from your goal.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let. Me. Goooo. [Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Do we need to do another Strength?
Timothy (DM)
Do another contested Strength.
Kendrick (Yonce)
16.
Helen (Panret)
9.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, at this point, Yonce begins to pull back towards the stairs.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[monotonously] Follow. Must. Follow.
Timothy (DM)
And then it is Panret's turn. You can do another contested Strength as we're gonna play tug of war over Yonce's body. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Does Panret realize what's happening with Upri?
Timothy (DM)
Give me a Perception check and do it with disadvantage because you're currently battling Yonce.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. 7?
Timothy (DM)
You are a little concerned at the silence. Not silence but...
Helen (Panret)
Stillness?
Timothy (DM)
Stillness.
Helen (Panret)
Sure. Okay, so I'm like "Something weird is going on back there, but I'll keep struggling with Yonce. Yonce, stop. You have to stop."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow.
Helen (Panret)
A 15.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, you beat me.
Helen (Panret)
All right, so I tug Yonce. "Back! Again!"
Timothy (DM)
Back and forth and back and forth and a little, um, flag is going back and forth over the line. [Kendrick and Helen laugh] Alright.
Helen (Panret)
[with raised voice] Upri! Upri, are you okay?
Russell (Upri)
[solemnly] She doesn't answer.
Helen (Panret)
Oh god.
Timothy (The Steward)
The Steward, whose face is broken, quickly sweeps down like... there's like this grand flourish as she kind of envelops you and grabs your wrists, holding the blood in, and she just says "I have SO many plans for you, but now you must hold on." and she's going to grab you and *BLIP* [long pause]
Timothy (DM)
You both blip out, and when you come back, you're in a dark room.There's a faint purple glow emanating through the room, and as you examine your surroundings, you see this giant stone arch with this, like, warbling black fluid-like structure and an altar in the middle of the room. The chamber is rough-hewn dark stone, and you see sigils and runes inscribed all over the floor. What do you do?
Russell (Upri)
Is it my turn?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Yeah, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
I headbutt that fucking bitch [whip noise] 'cause she's holding on to me with both hands, right?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Gonna headbutt 'er.
Timothy (DM)
Headbutt her. Let's do that as an improvised... or do you actually have a Headbutt ability? [Tim and Helen laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Oh, no, no, I was gonna count it as an unarmed strike.
Timothy (DM)
Unarmed strike's perfect. Yep, great.
Russell (Upri)
That's 7 to hit?
Timothy (The Steward)
A 7 is not going to hit. As she sees you ('cause she's, like, wrapped kind of around you), you go to, like, headbutt her, and she just moves her head backwards with you. "Hold on, now."
Timothy (DM)
And Yonce. [laughs] We're gonna go to you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I do anything?
Timothy (DM)
Nnnnnnno.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow. Still. *GGRRRR* [Helen and Russell laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Make your contested Strength as you are playing the Battle of the Will Power with Panret.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I had a nat 20.
Helen (Panret)
Oh... I did not. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Timothy (DM)
So with a nat 20, we're gonna have fun because you are just going to RIP down the stairs, and as you do so, you're going to pull away from Panret and stumble down to the bottom of the stairs. [Kendrick: "Ouch"] You are going to take 2 bludgeoning damage.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So that's more of a [quietly] *ouch*. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And as you do so, you hit your head, and you start to come to; the charm breaks.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Do I remember anything?
Timothy (DM)
You remember all of it. Again, confounded by your actions., but you understand that you had been charmed.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to yell up to Panret. "Pan, Pan Pan, are you okay?
Timothy (DM)
And as you're yelling, you see a dark stone-hewn ruin with a faintly purple glowing fluid, floating in the grand arch and an altar, sitting above sigils drawn on the floor. You see the Steward holding Upri as they struggle against each other.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I attack her with advantage since it'd be a surprise?
Timothy (DM)
[plainly] It's not a surprise. [laughs] You have a bonus action left and half of your movement.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Then I'm just gonna do an Unarmed Strike 'caus that's all I c-- Oh, what's Fury of Blows? Ooh, that sounds sexy.
Timothy (DM)
Welcome to being a monk! [Helen laughs] The character that you've been playing.
Russell (Upri)
[a la Jacque Cousteau] Eight. Hours. Later. [Kendrick and Tim laugh] "I can do Monk abilities?!?"
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, it just means I can make two unarmed strikes if I use one Ki. You know what? I am new, viewers, to D&D. I've only been playing for a year, and I'm still learning--
Timothy (DM)
And you're doing a great job.
Kendrick (Yonce)
--so I need everyone to be KIND-uh.
Timothy (DM)
Please.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Thank you. So, I'm going to use one of my Ki to do unarms-- that means I can do unarmed strike twice, and I'll just roll both die. All right. After further looking at my instructions, it is actually I get to roll a d4 either my Dex or my Strength, and my Dex is definitely stronger, so I'm gonna use that, and since Flurry of Blows is two, I can roll two d4s.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] For 2 damage.
Timothy (DM)
Did you add your modifiers?
Kendrick (Yonce)
10 damage.
Timothy (DM)
[relieved] There we go.
Helen (Panret)
That make a big difference. All right, there we go. Woo!
Russell (Upri)
Oh fuck! That's a huge difference for a monk.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We're on... we're on the right train now.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, monks can do damage with their fists. It's what they do [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
When they're not wearing chain mail.
Timothy (DM)
All right, so you punch into the Steward. You knock her cheek away. You see that, like, it immediately starts to bruise as you hit into her.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Leave my sister alone, you BITCH.
Timothy (DM)
Alright.
Russell (Upri)
Real quick: we respect women. This person is just... evil. Thank you. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Thank you? for the disclaimer. We'll put a couple of those out. [sighs] Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
[matter of factly] Panicking.[all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Fair. Fair fair fair fair.
Helen (Panret)
All right, so Yonce shook off this enthrall and then ran over and started punching. [Kendrick laughs] I'm assuming at this point, Penrat can tell that Upri's bleeding, like, a lot. I assume that they're bleeding, like, a lot.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, they're bleeding quite a bit, um, mm-hmm.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. So bleeding. Yonce punches the Steward, and Panret has exactly one spell left. Uh... [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[whispers] Ice Knife! [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Kill everybody. The DM is like "I don't really want to TPK" and I'm like "Oh, but what if?" [all laugh] [Editor's Note: TPK stands for Total Party Kill, where all members of the party are killed in one battle, effectively ending the campaign]
Timothy (DM)
What if! Good thing, nobody has Fireball.
Helen (Panret)
All right, I'm gonna run over to where they are, and I'm gonna just POISON SPRAY again, which is a cantrip at the Steward.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no, that's not a Con is it?
Helen (Panret)
No.
Timothy (DM)
Constitution save for the Steward. They are going to fail big time.
Russell (Upri)
Ooooh.
Timothy (DM)
Not that that changes anything. They failed.
Helen (Panret)
It says "a puff of noxious gas". Yep. Okay, and it's also says "the creature must succeed" so that makes it sound like one target.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, okay. It is single target.
Helen (Panret)
Alright, so [thinking sounds] poison damage. Panret is screaming "Stop, stop. Stop!" and does 9 poison damage.
Timothy (The Steward)
All right. That's a significant amount. You see them kind of caught off guard by the punch and the noxious gas [Kendrick laughs] and they are going to throw Upri away... [laughs] in the trash; no. [Russell grunts; Helen and Kendrick laughs] They're gonna push off of Upri and kind of stumble back. "If you gonna do this the hard way, then we'll do it MYYYY WAY."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Aaaahh! Yes, acting! [claps]
Helen (Panret)
That was really good.
Timothy (DM)
--and, uh, I am going to cast Charm Person on Upri. Upri, make a Wisdom saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You better work for that Oscar. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
That was great.
Russell (Upri)
10.
Timothy (DM)
All right. You have become charmed by the wiles of the Goddess. You feel warm and tingly and happy. Your wrists hurt, but that's no matter because the Goddess has you.
Russell (Upri)
Shit, why the fuck were we fighting before? This feels great.
Helen (Panret)
So, that was the Steward's turn?
Timothy (DM)
That was the Steward's turn. Upri... yes.
Helen (Panret)
Does she make a Charisma save or...?
Timothy (DM)
Upri will make a... nothing. No, you don't make a Charisma save--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[speaking from extensive experience] 'Cause the spell has to be completed.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, this spell has to be dropped or the spellcaster or any of their compatriots/companions have to hurt Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Upri walks on over to Stew. "Alright, let's do this. Do I have some say in what I get to do or y'know... what's happening? I'm on board."
Helen (Panret)
Okay. All right, then it is Yonce's turn.
Timothy (DM)
She will smile at you--
Russell (Upri)
Damn, that smile would be pretty if it weren't so creepy.
Timothy (DM)
--and motions towards the portal.
Russell (Upri)
"Oh, alright. Where's it leadin'?" and then I just walk into it.
Timothy (DM)
And so you all see Upri slowly start walking towards the portal.
Helen (Panret)
Bad. Bad bad bad bad bad.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quietly] No.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, what are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
So how can I break the curse again? Can you just repeat that?
Timothy (DM)
You can't.
Russell (Upri)
You can't unless you somehow get the Steward to attack me.
Timothy (DM)
Or kill her.
Russell (Upri)
Or kill 'er
Helen (Panret)
Kill her!
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right.
Russell (Upri)
And Charm isn't concentration either. I don't think, right?
Timothy (DM)
It is not concentration.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna look at Pan Pan. I'm like, "You're good at tug of war. Get Upri; I will deal with the Steward. If I die, tell my sibling that I love them" as a singular thug tear drops in my eye again. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[quietly to the group] I still don't quite understand what that means.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[consolingly] It's a Black thing; you don't have to.
Russell (Upri)
Ok. [Tim and Helen laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
For the viewers at home, I am Black, so... just so you know, I am! So, I want to say that, and I'm going to give a nod to Panret, and then I'm going to hit the Stewardess with my Rihanna and my dart. Does a 10 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Of course not. Does a 16 hit?
Timothy (DM)
That does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So that's 1d4. 1 damage. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Plus your modifiers?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh yeah, so 5 damage.
Timothy (DM)
5 damage, there we go. All right. Panret, what are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm looking at Panret, being like "GET UPRI. I got it."
Helen (Panret)
[*concerned noise*] All right. Panret is gonna grab Upri and try to pull her away from the portal--
Russell (Upri)
Oh, hi, Pan Pan, you come with? That's so pretty.
Helen (Panret)
--so that's Strength, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I like how we both got charmed at different...
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, contested Strength with Upri.
Helen (Panret)
[a bit sarcastically] No one has successfully grappled Upri, but I'm gonna TRY. [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[nerdly excited] Finally, it's working to my advantage!
Russell (Upri)
18.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I fail.
Russell (Upri)
C'mon, Pan Pan!
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you grab onto Upri. You start trying to tug her back, and she is just like--
Helen (Panret)
It's like I'm not even there?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, just... you're being dragged--
Russell (Upri)
I pick YOU up and take you with ME towards the portal. Arms locked. [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Do you pick her up? Do you pick them up?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. "Pan Pan, you coming with?"
Helen (Panret)
NOoo. Oh, shit.
Russell (Upri)
Ohhh, you don't have nothing to be afraid of, Pan Pan.
Helen (Panret)
[flailing but laughing] No, stop! Stop it! Stop, put me down.
Russell (Upri)
No, it'll be fun. [devilish scream from Tim]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Helen (Panret)
I'm internally screaming right now!
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're externally doing it too.
Timothy (DM)
[crying] I'm externally doing it... [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I guess we're gonna get that TDP! [Helen laughs] Wait, TPK, sorry.
Helen (Panret)
TPK.
Russell (Upri)
That portal ain't gonna kill us silly. [Tim makes some unearthly noise]
Timothy (DM)
[desperately whispers] Panret.
Helen (Panret)
This is bad--
Timothy (DM)
Panret.
Helen (Panret)
Bad bad bad bad.
Timothy (DM)
Make a Wisdom saving throw?
Russell (Upri)
[befuddled] What? Why?
Helen (Panret)
14.
Timothy (DM)
A 14? That's gonna fail.
Helen (Panret)
[making the ._. face] Great.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] I'm sorry, I didn't to... [Helen laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] Good plan, Yonce! [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (The Steward)
So, you begin to hear the Steward's voice in your head, and you know it's in your head because it doesn't sound like it's coming from the direction that she's standing, and she just says "Oh, little one. You are not coming. Leave." and as she does so, you feel your legs start to pull away from Upri, and you start moving towards--
Russell (Upri)
Upri holds on. "Pan Pan, Where you going?"
Timothy (DM)
--the exit. Make a contested Strength save.
Helen (Panret)
20.
Timothy (DM)
Oh no.
Russell (Upri)
19...shit.
Timothy (DM)
[crying] The only one that you succeed on against Upri is the one--
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] The only successful Strength check against Upri, and it's at the worst possible time. [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[heartbroken] You don't want to come with me?
Timothy (DM)
As Upri tries to pull you towards the portal and your legs try to pull you towards the stairs--
Helen (Panret)
And I tear in half! [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
--you pull your arm down out of her grasp and continue walking that direction. Upri is continued to be compelled towards the portal as you see the Steward starts to walk towards Upri, allowing for an attack of opportunity.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I'm going to take it, and I am going to use my dart 'cause it's the strongest thing I have for some reason--
Russell (Upri)
[knowingly] Isn't punching stronger?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh yeah, the punching is stronger.
Helen (Panret)
Punch! Punch punch punch.
Timothy (DM)
The punching is stronger
Russell (Upri)
And do you have more Ki points? Perhaps multiple blows?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah, I'm going to use (completely on my own volition)--
Helen (Panret)
Just thinking out loud
Kendrick (Yonce)
--Fury of Blows. Does a 11 and a 16 hit?
Timothy (DM)
Both hit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, so that's gonna be 10 damage again.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you do 10 damage to her. As she turns, you kind of, like... you punch her in the back--
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just gonna be like "Let go of my br-- sibling!"
Timothy (DM)
--and you see, like, her body kind of crumples in with the blows, but she perseveres [laughs] and continues to walk towards Upri. She takes her arm and wraps it around Upri's shoulder as she steps into the portal and they both--
Russell (Upri)
Stew? I know we're friends now, but low-key, you're still kind of a bitch. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And with that, you both step into the portal and disappear.
Russell (Upri)
[OOC] .........so I'm scheduling an extra therapy appointment next week is what I'm thinking? I can pay for a group session.
Helen (Panret)
That's it?
Timothy (DM)
And the portal closes behind you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I dropped to my knees, and I'm just, like, crying.
Helen (Panret)
Is Panret still compelled in the other direction, or does it drop?
Timothy (DM)
It drops as the Steward leaves. Give me an Arcana.
Helen (Panret)
[sadly] 6.
Timothy (DM)
Okay. Yeah, it just dropped.
Helen (Panret)
I'm just like "That was fucking magic!" [Russell and Kendrick laugh] Yeah, um...
Timothy (DM)
Magical!
Helen (Panret)
Magic! Wuh, where did she go?!?
Russell (Upri)
[narrating] "Now, we're here in the forest run by awful beings that will murder us!"
Helen (Panret)
Yonce, where did she go? They were just here. They were JUST here. Where did they go?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[falteringly] They went through the p-- they went... [deep breath]. They went through the portal. She's gone.
Helen (Panret)
That's it?
Kendrick (Yonce)
"I guess so." [to Helen] I'm just crying. I don't know what to do.
Timothy (DM)
[uncertain] And that's where we'll end this session... adventure?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[defeated grunt]
Timothy (DM)
And that is where this chapter of Shadows of Prophecy comes to a close. Thank you for joining us through the darkness and continue the story next time for a thrilling new adventure.
Timothy (DM)
Shout out to my brother, known as the chill electronic vapor soul artist, LUSQ, for writing our chillingly epic theme song; editing by Scrubcast; and a big shout out to Syrinscape for some amazing atmosphere and music. Make sure to check them out at syrinscape.com I always use them at my game table, and it really does add that little something special to bring your players into this story. Also, please follow us on Twitter @ShadowsProphecy and Instagram @shadows_of_prophecy. And show us some support by becoming one of our fabulous patrons at patreon.com/shadowsofprophecy, where you can get access to bonus content like handouts, encounter maps, and even adventure guides to run your own horrific campaigns or one-shots. And at the very least, give us a five star review on your podcast platform of choice. This is how we get the word out about our podcast and we love sharing it with you all. Thank you, and tune in next time for more tales of dread and despair at Shadows of Prophecy
Welcome to Shadows of Prophecy, a D&D real play podcast, where we will find out what it takes to become a hero, face our darkest fears, and pull ourselves out of a pit of despair. Shadows of Prophecy is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast with violent themes and adult language. Listener discretion is advised.
Timothy (DM)
With us today to traverse through adventures of loss and tragedy, we have myself, Timothy, as our ambivalent DM; Helen as "No, not that bush" druid, Panret. Russell as "I'll try anything" Wild Surge Berzerker, Uprielyn Upri; and Kendrick as our designated driver, Monk Yonce Bey. Join us as we enter the Shadows of Prophecy. Prologue: A World Unravels. Chapter Seven - A False Shepherd.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when you hear a rustle in the bushes behind you. As you turn around to see a town's member kind of stumbling forward. Their face... give me an Insight check, actually. Everybody give me Insight check.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Even me?
Timothy (DM)
Yeahhhh.
Helen (Panret)
14.
Russell (Upri)
19.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 15.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so Upri, you notice that they seem anguished, like they're kind of sad and kind of in not pain, but discomfort, and their body is kind of lurching forward towards the statue, and they look at you and they start to speak.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
[shaky] Pleasssse, I BEG of you. Let us complete the cycle. Y-y-you don't know what you are upsetting. [heavy breathing]
Russell (Upri)
"No offense, 'cause I don't really know you that well, but uh, I'm gonna rule on this one that my life is more important than yours. So, toodles!" and I keep going.
Timothy (Enthralled Person)
I can't stop it. It's taking me! [labored fast breathing]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me gooo-wuh.
Russell (Upri)
You lay in the bed you make. Bye!
Timothy (DM)
And as they're starting to, like, shake [Russell: "Oh fuck"] and convulse, you see their skin starts to split [Russell retches] and crack and peel off of their arms.
Russell (Upri)
We break into a run! [rushed breathing]
Timothy (DM)
--you hear... you start running and all you can hear behind you is the cracking of bones.
Russell (Upri)
[fearful] Pan Pan, you can live with us now.
Helen (Panret)
[anxious exhale] Let's gooooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] No, let me goooo-wuh.
Helen (Panret)
Yonce, not now.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I wanna be with the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, make another Charisma saving throw as everybody rolls initiative.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13
Timothy (DM)
You have advantage. Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Remember, it's with advantage so roll twice and take the highest.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You got a 13. All right. [singing] What a lovely way to start thisssss.
Russell (Upri)
[shaking their damn head] Ay-yi-yi.
Timothy (DM)
All right. Upri What are you doing? You see Yonce is still slowly lumbering towards the statue. Very much.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[hypnotically] I wanna touch the statuuuuue. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yonce broke-broke free of my--?
Timothy (DM)
No, no, no. Still going, still charmed. Ritt is charmed by the statue, and you see this person 30 yards out transforming into some sort of... "thing". It's hard to tell exactly what it will become, but it is a gruesome sight nonetheless.
Helen (Panret)
You said its skin and bones were cracking. Is it bloody?
Timothy (DM)
Oh yeah: it's splitting, sloughing off; there's blood; bones are cracking; and, like, a form is starting to, like, grow out of all of the, like, lacerations.
Russell (Upri)
[disgusted] Uck.
Helen (Panret)
Gross.
Timothy (DM)
Uh huh. Yeah. [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Okay. Okay.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let me go, Upri. I want to touch the statue.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, no! You're not in your right mind. You'd do this for me.
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] Yeah, me and Upri are both, like, holding on to Yonce, like...
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're not my real sibling; let me go!
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, let's just drag Yon and keep heading for the creek. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Helen (Panret)
Let's get out of here.
Timothy (DM)
So, we're going to treat that like difficult terrain because you're dragging a charmed person along. So, you maybe get 15 feet out. Yonce, make a Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 13.
Timothy (DM)
With advantage?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yep.
Timothy (DM)
All right. That does not do it. [Russell and Tim laugh] You still love the Goddess!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[lovesick] Oh, I love the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
--She is your everything
Kendrick (Yonce)
[delicate whisper] She is my everthing.
Timothy (DM)
--she is so beautiful and warm and brilliant.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Mmmmm, yassss. [Tim laughs] Mmmmm, I want to touch the Goddess. Let me goooo, you plant-loving heathens. Let me go!
Russell (Upri)
What the fuck you just say, Yon? I will smack the shit out of you! [Tim sighs]
Timothy (DM)
Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
Well, so I'm just trying to, like, so push Yonce with... and Upri, like, get out of here. So, what action is that?
Timothy (DM)
You're trying to, like, push them along or are you still trying to drag?
Helen (Panret)
I'm, like, pushing along. So, I don't know, we move?
Timothy (DM)
Oh! Yeah, you move another, like... yeah, you start making your way through the forest, stepping over logs, pushing through bushes, trying to coax Yonce as you're, like, looking, and this person is, like, finally finishing its transformation, and out of it has, like, burst all of these, like, gnarled black vines that are just, like, amalgamating into a quadrapedal form as it lets out this roar, and you see it's, like, tendrilly bits are, like, pulsating and, like, waving in the air, and it starts to charge you all.
Russell (Upri)
We're working together to, uh--
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, I hope it ain't fast! [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[gleeful "Ummm...] So, I had said that it was 30 feet away. You've made it another 30 feet by prodding Yonce along, so it has to charge at you; it uses its action to charge, and it is right on you now--
Russell (Upri)
So we're threatened?
Timothy (DM)
--it is, like, raising one of its claws to just, like, slash across you. Upri, what are you doing?
Russell (Upri)
I'm going to toss Yonce away [Tim laughs, Kendrick does an old man grunt] and then get between Pan Pan and the creature, drawing out Fern "You're going to... get, have to get through me, Fuckface. [Tim laughs] Also, you smell bad!"
Kendrick (Yonce)
[deadpan] Burn.
Timothy (DM)
Burn. The biggest burn, totally. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
How does Upri look, by the way?
Russell (Upri)
She has a bunch of, like, cuts where your-your ice dagger exploded and got stuck in her chest. [Kendrick laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Okay.
Russell (Upri)
But other than that just a few bruises from getting poked real hard.
Timothy (DM)
Great. Are you making an attack?
Russell (Upri)
Oh, I can do that. and throw Yonce? And push?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, that's a free action to just shove. Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Cool, I'm gonna WOMP. "Come on, Fern. Let's do these!" That's a natural 1.
Timothy (DM)
That does not do it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[cackles]
Helen (Panret)
Wow.
Timothy (DM)
All rightttt, um...
Russell (Upri)
So, in the tussle of throwin' Yon, gettin' in front of Pan Pan, and also drawnin' out Fern and swingin', I just flop.
Timothy (DM)
You just flop. Yep. Okay. Yonce, 'nother Charisma saaaaave.
Kendrick (Yonce)
9.
Russell (Upri)
You need to get different dice.
Timothy (DM)
Oh my gosh. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] Trading out dice. Nothing is breaking you from this, uh--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[morosely] I'll use it next turn.
Timothy (DM)
--little charm. You're quite upset that they're, like, pulling you away from her. Like, "What the fuck? I thought they were my friends."
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in deep voice] Yeah, bro, why are you pulling me away from the Goddess?
Timothy (Ritt)
You hear Ritt in the background like "What the fuck are you doing, guyssss? Let Yonce touch the Goddessssss."
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] Yeah, let me touch the Goddessssss. Ritt's right. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[pointing their finger] Ritt, you shut your stupid yoga mouth!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Aw, don't tell Ritt to shut up; she's my best friennnnd.
Russell (Upri)
No she ain't, Yon. [Tim sighs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, she is. Oooo, I want to touch the Goddess.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] And with that, it's Panret's turn.
Helen (Panret)
All right, I'm gonna Cure Wounds on Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Thank youuuu.
Helen (Panret)
Upri, is it ok if I touch your back.
Russell (Upri)
It sure is, just try not to hit any of the gashes you put there. [devilish George Bush-esque snicker, Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[hands on hip, taken aback] Alright! I'm NOT gonna heal Upri then... [Russell winces] [playfully] No, no. So, I'm gonna cast Cure Wounds, and I kind of give you, like, a little pat on the back. So that is using a d8 [mental math] That's 9. Healing for 9.
Russell (Upri)
Ooo, thank you. Oh, dang, that's nice and warm and tingling, Pan Pan. [Helen laughs] OOO!
Timothy (DM)
It gets, like, some IcyHot, like... [laughs] [Editor's Note: IcyHot is a type of topical analgesic applied to the skin]
Russell (Upri)
Oh yeah, my muscles are all relaxed now. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[talking to the camera] IcyHot: Icy to treat the pain, then Hot to relax it away.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, at this point, you notice something very weird. [laughs] Super weird,
Russell (Upri)
Great.
Timothy (DM)
I'm just telling you: it's weird, and when I explain it, you're going to understand that it is weird. The statue... you see its head start to turn towards you all, and then you see it starts to slowly move its arms and raise a foot as it starts stepping closer. Verrrry slowly. And the vines that were growing over it start to snap.
Russell (Upri)
Shit.
Helen (Panret)
Uh-oh.
Timothy (DM)
--as you hear a twig break beneath its stone foot.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[moony] It's so beautiful.
Helen (Panret)
This is not right. This is not right! [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, grab Yon and get the fuck out of here. I'll hold it off as long as I can.
Timothy (DM)
And that's when the beast claws across Upri. Oh, no! And crits.
Russell (Upri)
Perfect, bring it on!
Timothy (DM)
--with their claw attack.
Russell (Upri)
Love it!
Timothy (DM)
For 14 slashing damage--
Russell (Upri)
All right.
Timothy (DM)
[not finished yet] --plus 7 acid damage. [Russell winces]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in strained voice] You need another Cure Wounds?
Russell (Upri)
Fuck! [dying noises] You gotta get out of here. I'm not gonna be able to hold it off for long. Pan Pan, RUN! [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[sing-songy] Upri, it's your turrrrrrn.
Russell (Upri)
I stumble, having almost died, and I'm going to take Fern and swing at it again. Just to clarify, it's a large creature right?
Timothy (DM)
Mm-hmm. And as you're swinging, make a Wisdom saving throw.
Russell (Upri)
Whyyy? [Helen laughs] 9.
Timothy (DM)
Now make your attack. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Okay...okay...
Kendrick (Yonce)
The DM is choosing chaos on this Sunday morning.
Russell (Upri)
[heartfelt] Upri, it's been a pleasure having you as a character; I will miss you. That is a 22 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
22 will hit.
Russell (Upri)
And that is for 4 damage, bludgeoning--
Timothy (DM)
4 damage, bludgeoning.
Russell (Upri)
--as I slam Fern into one of its legs.
Timothy (DM)
We're good.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, are we? Oh, I'm so... I'm so glad you're so concerned about the well-being of... [Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Ohmygod, what's happening?
Kendrick (Yonce)
The DM has red makeup on, and the red makeup is making them evil today.
Timothy (DM)
EEEEVILLLL. Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA!
Russell (Upri)
Yon, snap the shit out of it.
Timothy (DM)
And it is Yonce's turn. Make. That. Charisma saving throw with your new dice.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[rolling with new dice] Yay, 17!
Timothy (DM)
A 17 will do it! Yay!
Russell (Upri)
Thank you, bisexual die!
Helen (Panret)
It's the bisexual die!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Bisexual die! So, as I get tossed to the floor, like, I hit my head on a small pebble. [Tim laughs] I'm like, *UHH*
Timothy (DM)
Just a small pebble.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Just a small one because we're not trying to do internal brain damage. Just something to wake my ass up. I'm, like, *UHH* and I look at Upri: "Ouch. That hurt when you tossed me." and then I actually realize that you're QUITE injured. [Tim laughs] "Oh, shit. What the heck? What happened? Where am I?" Would I remember?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah. So, when you come to, you realize that you've been charmed. You have memory of everything; you just, like, are confused and confounded by your actions in the last 10 seconds or so.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I can't believe I said Ritt was my best friend. *Uck*. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, he's so fuckin' annoying.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, you have to get back to the Nim Nim and the others. You have to get them out of the forest.
Kendrick (Yonce)
"I am not going to leave you." So, I'm going to take my Rihanna and my dart for my two handed action. I'm going to swing Rihanna which is the yklwa. Does a 10 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[evilly and slowly] A 10 does not.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[groan] Alright, and then I shoot my dart--
Helen (Panret)
[narrating Tim's expression] "Tim says, looking pleased."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 19 hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 19 does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[a la the Thor squinting meme] Oh, does it?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Yeah, it does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, it's just 1d4 minus... not with the +2. So, I didn't need it. That's a 5. 5 dartish damage.
Russell (Upri)
Uh, that's a d6.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
That's why it's a 5. Roll this one!
Timothy (DM)
Is that why the dart was doing so much damage? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
No, the first time I clicked on this [presumably a DNDBeyond button] [Tim laughs] And it's still a 4, so take that, beast! Both the beasts and the DM.
Timothy (DM)
[coldly] So 4 damage?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes.
Russell (Upri)
Yon, I'm serious. You need to get OUT of here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I am not leaving you here.
Helen (Panret)
We can't just leave you here--
Kendrick (Yonce)
--to die. That would complete their freakin' ritual.
Russell (Upri)
[sigh] I should've just went through with it.
Timothy (Ritt)
Just let it finisssssh
Kendrick (Yonce)
Shut up, Ritt. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (Ritt)
Just goooo, and we'll all be back together where we need to be. Let the cycle complete.
Russell (Upri)
[casually] I'll use my bonus action to throw a javelin at Ritt. [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
If anyone needs to get out of here, it's you Upri.
Helen (Panret)
I agree.
Russell (Upri)
No, I can't do that.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, you can you just pick up your two feet in book it. [laughing] Me and Pan can handle it with our "limited" weapons.
Timothy (DM)
All right, it is Panret's turn.
Helen (Panret)
All right. This time, Panret puts TWO hands on Upri's back, casting it in second spell slot. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, you're gonna hold me up at the same time? [Russell and Helen laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Second level Cure Wounds!
Helen (Panret)
Doin' like a trust fall. Alright, your wounds are getting FUCKING cured. Alright.
Timothy (DM)
Very serious face on right now. I wish I had a good commentator voice; I don't. But pretend that I have a good commentator voice, and I am narrating the seriousness of Helen's roll, and their very very sad face and things...
Russell (Upri)
Oh no.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Helen (Panret)
[deflated] 7?
Russell (Upri)
[strained] I'll take it. Doesn't quite feels good as before, which is weird, but I appreciate it nonetheless, Pan Pan.
Timothy (DM)
Sevennnn healing.
Russell (Upri)
--seriously, grab Yon and get the fuck outta here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm-I'm cured.
Helen (Panret)
We can't just leave you here.
Russell (Upri)
I'll hold off as long as I can. I'm quicker than you.
Helen (Panret)
You're also injured--
Russell (Upri)
Hasn't stopped me before.
Helen (Panret)
GRAVELY injured.
Timothy (DM)
And the beast, as Panret's turn is over, orrect?
Helen (Panret)
Correct.
Timothy (DM)
All right. The beast is going to make everybody make a Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quickly] I disengage and run! [OOC] I'm kidding. [all laugh] What does the heart mean? [Editor's Note: refers to the heart symbol on the d20]
Timothy (DM)
As it rears up on its hind legs, and you see the, like, tendrils that formed its face, flail and flare out like a rattlesnake wailing its tail, shaking its tail, and all the tendrils are just like *CRRRRRSRRRR*.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Ew.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, what are those Christmas saving throw?
Helen (Panret)
12.
Russell (Upri)
3.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a nat 20, so 21.
Timothy (DM)
All right, Panret, Upri: y'all are charmed.
Russell (Upri)
[unhappy] Great.
Timothy (DM)
You'll be able to take another saving throw on your next turn.
Russell (Upri)
Yass, hug me, twig deer daddy!
Timothy (DM)
Um, Upri, which is now. That is your turn, and yeah, you are charmed by the beast until it does damage to you or you pass your Charisma saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, I was supposed to roll twice 'cause I have advantage, but nothing can be better than 20, so...
Russell (Upri)
Do I do it at the beginning or the end of my turn?
Timothy (DM)
You could get more 20 'cause the DC could technically be harder than 20. [Editor's Note: Tim misunderstands Kendrick, who was referring to nothing being better than a natural 20, instead thinking Kendrick meant he couldn't roll higher than a DC 20]
Russell (Upri)
19 on my Charisma save.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, you break out of it.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, what the fuck was that shit?!?
Timothy (DM)
You are immune to its "thing" for a little while [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Do I still get to act or is that my turn?
Timothy (DM)
You have a bonus action or a free action.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, I am going to be dumb and put Fern in one hand, pull out my last hand axe, and I want to maneuver around it, staying in threatened squares to try to draw its attention away from Pan Pan and Yon, so it's facing the other way... towards Ritt. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You do that. You pivot around them, readying your axes.
Russell (Upri)
[elegantly] Over here, you snake-bellied... fucker.
Timothy (DM)
Alright. Yonce, it's your turn. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
"It hurts itself in its confusion." [Helen and Tim laugh] [Editor's Note: this is reference to Pokemon, where an enemy can attack itself if under the Confused condition]
Timothy (DM)
Wouldn't that be nice? [laughs] What's Yonce doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to use my-my Rihanna. Does a 7 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, and then I'm going to use my dart. Does a [laughs] 9 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[reassuringly] Nooo. [Russell winces]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, that's all I can do.
Timothy (DM)
Great.
Helen (Panret)
A swing and a miss.
Timothy (DM)
Panret--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Quite literally.
Timothy (DM)
--you have your Charisma save.
Helen (Panret)
2.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, you are charmed by this beast. It is so powerful and wonderful. You just feel supported in its arm.
Helen (Panret)
[dreamily] "Wow, this is, like, so empowering." [Tim laughs] That's it, and that's my turn.
Timothy (DM)
And that's your turn. So! It is going to use another "fun" attack. So, it is currently reared up on its hind legs. Its tendrils are jittering, and it pulses out this, like, beam of black energy that hits you in the chest, and when it does, you start to feel your lifeforce drain out of you. You start to feel cold, and weak, and I'm going to need you to make another Wisdom saving throw.
Helen (Panret)
Ok, Wisdom. [meekly] 11.
Timothy (DM)
You are going to take 22 necrotic damage.
Russell (Upri)
You good?
Helen (Panret)
I have 24 health, so...
Russell (Upri)
[nervous exhale]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can you do Cure Wounds on yourself?
Helen (Panret)
[breathlessly] Wow, I'm... sleepy all of a sudden. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, don't you quit on me.
Helen (Panret)
[long yawn] Waahhhhuuhhh.
Russell (Upri)
Pan Pan, snap out of it!
Helen (Panret)
[vacantly] Whuuuuuu-uhhhh??? [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Upri, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
I'm gonna look at Yon through, like, on the other side of it. "Yon, I'm serious. If you don't get back to the treehouse and warn any of the others, they're not going to see this thing comin'. You HAVE to get them out of here.
Kendrick (Yonce)
But I can't leave you.
Russell (Upri)
I'll catch up; I always do.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[like a little sister] No, you won't. [chuckle] I don't... I can't leave you.
Russell (Upri)
It'll be fine. Worst case scenario: I die and then this thing just goes away, right?
Timothy (DM)
[earnestly] Right.
Kendrick (Yonce)
As a single thug teardrop falls from my eyes. "I can't leave you." and I'm just, like, very... I'm flustered. I'm having a very, like, "come-to-Goddess" moment.
Russell (Upri)
Upri is going to swing Fern at it one-handed, and I believe I get advantage because we're now flanking it?
Timothy (DM)
You are now flanking it, yeah.
Russell (Upri)
So, that is a 19 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 19 will hit.
Russell (Upri)
And that is for 6 bludgeoning damage, and then I'm going to use my bonus action to attack with my offhanded hand axe. Ooo, that's a 22 to hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 22 will hit as well.
Russell (Upri)
That's for 3 slashing damage.
Timothy (DM)
All right. It's being whittled away. [jovially] Yonce, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
[in cheerful dismay] Fuck!
Kendrick (Yonce)
S,o I'm going to do the same maneuver as I did last time, and since we are flanked, I get advantage for each of my turns, which is great. Does a 11 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No. Sorry.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 14 hit?
Timothy (DM)
Yes.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right, so that's 1d4--
Timothy (DM)
One might say "just" barely [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Still for 4 damage.
Timothy (DM)
[super impressed] 4 damaaaaaage. Just whittle--
Russell (Upri)
[clapping a hand Yon's shoulder] That's pretty good for a dart.
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] You know, you don't have to say it like that. [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You've whipped out a little pocket knife, and you're just kind of, like, shaving away little scrapings of woods.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm making it sharp. It's the... it's the stones on them that... it creates more damage because they're heavy.
Russell (Upri)
Well, it's like wood right?
Timothy (DM)
It looks kind of wooden-ish.
Russell (Upri)
So, you're like... you're whittle-- you're whittlin' little cute things into it like a Hello Kitty or something. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Exactly.
Timothy (DM)
Sure.
Kendrick (Yonce)
And as I'm doing this, I'm gonna be like "I'm not leaving you, Upri, if it's the last thing I do."
Timothy (DM)
All right, it's Panret's turn.
Russell (Upri)
The last thing I do is gonna be to slap [angry hockey coach voice] THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[chuckling] You can't if you're dead.
Russell (Upri)
Challenge accepted. [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
How're you trying to save yourself? [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
I don't know, I don't know.
Russell (Upri)
This is bad.
Timothy (DM)
Ah, the mental acrobatics right now. [Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, I'm used to only having one encounter and burning everything in that one encounter.
Timothy (DM)
[false confusion] Whaaattt?
Helen (Panret)
I need some elevator music
Russell (Upri)
You lured us into a false sense of security.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[hums Jeopardy "thinking" music]
Timothy (DM)
What, I would never.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes, you would.
Timothy (DM)
[cards on the table] Oh, I absolutely would.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah, don't act all innocent... with your ponytail.
Timothy (DM)
That was the whole point: cake, honey, wine, dancing. It's fine. What is Panret doing? [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Panret is gonna try to... heal themself.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Don't you have to make saving throw first?
Russell (Upri)
Oh, you're still charmed.
Helen (Panret)
[head in hands] I'm still CHARRRMMED!
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Timothy (DM)
You are still charmed. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh wait! Sorry, I thought the charm didn't once it hits...
Helen (Panret)
Oh, wait, I took damage from the creature.
Russell (Upri)
But not that because it's spoopy damage?
Timothy (DM)
[pointing to his face] You see my funny face?
Helen (Panret)
What's this face mean?
Timothy (DM)
That is the only attack that it can do and still maintain its charm.
Russell (Upri)
[looking to Helen and Kendrick] So, uh, we're gonna beat up Tim, right?
Helen (Panret)
What, Charisma saving throw?
Timothy (DM)
Charisma saving throw, mm-hmm.
Helen (Panret)
17.
Russell (Upri)
[trimuphantly] Ha!
Timothy (DM)
Okay, you break its pull.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. [big inhale as if emerging from underwater] Okay, I touch my chest with both hands, and I cast the spell, and I heal 9 points of damage.
Timothy (DM)
9 points of damage.
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's still good.
Helen (Panret)
[huge exhale] WHAT IS THIS? [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Fuck if I know, but it sure as hell ain't friendly.
Helen (Panret)
[terrified] Oh my god.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We have to take it down.
Helen (Panret)
I don't think we're going to make it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We're whittling it down.
Timothy (DM)
All right [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit. Where the fuck did the statue go?
Timothy (DM)
You see it's still slowly lumbering towards you, and as you look around, you notice there's another one in a nearby bush--
Russell (Upri)
Another statue?
Timothy (DM)
--slowly pushing through that bush towards you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
What is up with this Weeping Angels bullshit? [Tim laughs] I can't deal with this. Blink!
Russell (Upri)
Fuck fuck fuck!
Kendrick (Yonce)
For the viewers who don't know, Weeping Angels is a Doctor Who reference for statutes that will kill you by essentially taking your lifeforce and putting you in another time. I love Doctor Who: not a sponsor.
Helen (Panret)
Join us next week for more Fun Facts™
Timothy (DM)
Fun Facts™
Russell (Upri)
"All right, we-we got to make a run for it. Maybe this shit can't cross the creek. I don't know, but we need to leave..." Fuck. Upri's gonna use her action to disengage and *FWWP* run away towards the creek, east.
Timothy (DM)
Great. You get 30 feet out!
Russell (Upri)
Yon, Pan Pan, come on! It could technically be less 'cause I was on the other side of the Large creature. So, I feel like--
Timothy (DM)
20 feet out?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Timothy (DM)
Upri is bolting. So, we have Yonce next. What are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
How close is Upri from me? Are you further away from me now?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, like 20 feet away towards the creek.
Kendrick (Yonce)
The thing is if I dashed, I'm boogeying. I'm out.
Russell (Upri)
Do a... well, use an action to Disengage and then run 30 feet so you don't get hit.
Timothy (DM)
You don't get Dash then, but...
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to Disengage, and then I'm going to run 40 feet with my heavy chain mail because I've been training my whole life for this. [Russell winces]
Timothy (DM)
Yep, absolutely. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
The Word of the Day is "wink". [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[mock angry but laughing] NO! Absolutely not. I shoot that down right this instant. [Kendrick laughs, Tim sighs] No, it's fine. So, you get 40 feet out, and Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I scramble after the others, so I Disengage first.
Russell (Upri)
Well, were you in melee range or were you behind...?
Timothy (DM)
You were behind Upri.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You were behind me.
Russell (Upri)
You were behind me before I moved.
Timothy (DM)
You're behind Upri, and it does--
Russell (Upri)
What's its reach?
Timothy (DM)
[surprised] --not have a reach.
Russell (Upri)
So, technically, you weren't in a threatened square.
Helen (Panret)
So, I can dash.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
[determined] Okay, so I fucking BOOK it.
Timothy (DM)
60 feet out, booking it.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, that bush is so fast!
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] From my deadly stupor and I am out of there,
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're like "Fuck nature" now.
Helen (Panret)
All right. So, 60 feet.
Timothy (DM)
All right. And as you are all bolting, it is, like, still reared up on its hind legs. You see, it's trying to like tendril out again, and you see that black pulse as you're, like, just over your shoulder, bolting out of there, Panret, and you see that black pulse start to, like, form and, like, pushes slightly out of its face, but then breaks, and it's then when it realizes that it no longer has you enthralled, and so it starts to run after you. [singing] It is hot on your heels. It's maybe 10 feet away from Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, it'll only move 15 feet?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Or 10 feet? Cool; slow.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Dash
Timothy (DM)
It has other things in mind that it was trying to do.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit, it too has the ADHD? [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
It, too, has the ADHD.
Russell (Upri)
It's Upri's turn, yeah?
Timothy (DM)
Mm hmm.
Russell (Upri)
Upri's just gonna keep booking it, put her handaxe away, grab onto Fern with both fists (y'know, white-knucklin' it, light-green-knucklin' it) and just keep running, dashing for the creek.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so it is Yonce's turn. So, Upri's running. Yonce?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'll Dash. So, I'm just gonna dash 80 feet. I book it. I think about shooting an arrow. Like, it's in my... I'm about to throw and I'm like, "You know what? Fuck this." and I just run.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you book it. You're like 80 feet out. Panret is another... or is like 60 feet out. Upri, are you just dashin'?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, we're all full-on running.
Timothy (DM)
It is also just charging through the forest. You hear trees crashing behind you, as it whacks into them, and you're, like, worried at first that, like, you're not going to outrun it, but as it keeps running into trees and rocks and bushes, it's struggling with its size on this terrain, and so you start running and you're running and you're running, and you slowly start to hear the sounds fade. You still here crashing behind, but what would you like to do at this point?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Where is Ritt at this point?
Russell (Upri)
[quietly] Who the fuck cares?
Timothy (DM)
Ritt is long gone; you left them behind.
Russell (Upri)
[quietly to the distance] Bye, Ritt!
Kendrick (Yonce)
He's dead.
Russell (Upri)
[chuckling] Yeah, stomped on by the Goddess. Uh, w-we can't slow down. We got to get to the treehouse. We gotta... we gotta pack up the kids and get out. We can't be--
Helen (Panret)
[looking for answers] What's happening?!?
Russell (Upri)
I don't know. That sh-- I... wuh, who knows what the fuck that is, [in strained worried cowboy voice] but this shit ain't good.
Timothy (DM)
Upri, you see another statue's head peeking out from above a bush.
Russell (Upri)
In front of us?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Drive-by swing?
Timothy (DM)
It's not moving.
Russell (Upri)
Naw, I'm just goona keep running. [to their compatriots] Avoid it!
Helen (Panret)
Running? Ok. We're running.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. Beeline!
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right. We're all... I'm doing... I'm going to Dash too.
Timothy (DM)
You all start running off in a random direction around the forest. Give me Stealth checks with disadvantage.
Russell (Upri)
Not random! Oh, wait, I can't tell what direction it is.
Timothy (DM)
And give me a... Yeah, give me a Survival check to see if you know what direction you're running.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I got a 6 for stealth. And what else are we rolling for?
Helen (Panret)
Survival.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, Survival.
Kendrick (Yonce)
16 for Survival, 6 for Stealth.
Helen (Panret)
Um, 1 for stealth [laughs, Russell: "Oh no"] and 10 for Survival,
Russell (Upri)
14 for both Stealth and Survival.
Helen (Panret)
Wow.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, you are all making your way through the woods, and you know that you've been running north a bit, just as the direct direction away from the encounter that you had originally gone, and so you start to veer off towards the east, and as you're moving east, you notice that you see some crumbled ruins, just, like, buried in the undergrowth of the forest, and you can kind of see that there, like, used to be, like, a cobbled platform that's been since overgrown, and as you look further into the woods, you see, like, larger stone structures all crumbling.
Russell (Upri)
That's suspicious... I keep running!
Timothy (DM)
So, you continue running through the forest. Now, you are heading east towards the creek, and that's when you hear and see it. On the other side of the creek, you see a massive bestial creature. It is currently quite calm. It seems to be lumbering through the forest, and it is very similar to the previous thing that you were trying to run from where its body is kind of formed out of these, like, black gnarly, tenderly root tentacle structures, but it has these, like, almost like wings behind it that are formed from this, like, network of tendrils and hanging from some of the branches are these, like, little wooden stick figures that are, like, bundled together hanging on strings just kind of swaying as this massive creature (twice the size of the last one) lumbers through the forest. You hear its foot stomping as it hits the ground. The, like, branches are knocking over trees; you hear those crashing down, twigs snapping. What do you do?
Russell (Upri)
[woefully] Fuck. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I think we should try to sneak behind it or sneak away from it.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, book it the way it's not moving, following the creek.
Helen (Panret)
Back towards the other creature?
Timothy (DM)
Since you did well enough on your Survival, you know that you're running east, and you can see the creek. The creek runs north to south, and this creatures lumbering from the northern part of the creek from where you're standing towards the south.
Helen (Panret)
What about the Stealth rolls we made?
Timothy (DM)
[coyly] Yeah, you made Stealth rolls. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Cool.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Violence. I swear: violence today. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Quick, we got to get away from the creek. Back into the tree line; we got to keep heading north.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, wouldn't we go southeast though?
Russell (Upri)
No, that things headed south. If we go southeast, we're gonna run into it.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, so we'd need to go northeast.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, north first, then east. Let's go
Helen (Panret)
Alright, let's keep running north.
Timothy (DM)
So, you start running through the forest north, you're clearing the logs. Everybody give me a Dexterity save as you're pushing through bushes, cleaning through logs, pushing past trees.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Is anything about being charmed? 'Cause if it's charm, then I have advantage.
Timothy (DM)
No, nothing. This is the Dexterity save.
Russell (Upri)
15.
Helen (Panret)
9.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, no! Okay, I got a five. Ha-ha-HA!
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so you're running running running. Yonce trips over a log, falls flat prone on the ground--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[horizontally] Where the fuck did that come from?
Timothy (DM)
--and as there kinda clambering up again, you all hear and see it. Directly north of you, lumbering through some ruins that you have now been running towards, another creature: massive in size; formed of these gnarly black tendrils; wings extended out of its back; and wooden figurines dangling from the branches as it lumbers through the ruins.
Russell (Upri)
Just for clarification, are you saying "runes" or are you saying "ruins" with a Midwestern accent?
Timothy (DM)
[defensively] Everything's said with a Midwestern accent, um... [laughs] Ru-ins. Like--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, I thought you were saying "runes".
Timothy (DM)
--structures that have been crumbling.
Russell (Upri)
'Cause I pictured a lot of, like, rocks on the ground with symbols on them.
Timothy (DM)
Runes? Yeah, no... not yet. [Russell laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[calmly] Panret is screaming.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Panret's just screaming. *happy sigh*
Russell (Upri)
Oh no. Upri covers Pan Pan's mouth. [Helen makes muffled mouth noises] Pan Pan, calm down. We got... *sigh* fuck. I don't know how we get out of this!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I look petrified and I try to... I'm like... as I fall, I look and I'm trying to scurry backwards towards Panret and Upri and I'm just like "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." but quietly...
Timothy (DM)
As you do that--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quietly] fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Timothy (DM)
--you bump into something and [laughs]--
Kendrick (Yonce)
No! Towards... I was going towards THEM; you can't DO this to meeee-uh! I was... I was scurrying back for them-uh!
Timothy (DM)
--and you all were so distracted by this monster that you didn't see her sneak up: it's the Steward. ;)
Helen (Panret)
[exasperated] *AAAGGGGGHHHH*
Timothy (DM)
--and as Yonce turns around--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[glaring at Tim] You'd better not.
Timothy (DM)
--she smiles at you. [Kendrick gasps, "Fuck"] Everybody roll initiative.
Helen (Panret)
Oh my god. *Aaaaghhh* Fuck.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] Choosing violence. I legit was backing up towards-- [laughs incomprehensibly; Tim sighs]
Helen (Panret)
18.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 18.
Russell (Upri)
4.
Timothy (DM)
What are your Dexterity modifiers, Panret?
Helen (Panret)
-1.
Kendrick (Yonce)
It isssssss 2. +2, so 15. Wowww.
Timothy (DM)
15? And Upri was 4?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Timothy (The Steward)
She smiles at you. "How nice of you to all... make the acquaintance of my lovely 'friendsssss'".
Kendrick (Yonce)
[stone cold] Shut up, bitch.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, what do you do? [Russell and Helen laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to, like, do a, like, backflip away from her, like, up, to get up be, like *Huh-HUH!* and then I'm going to hit her with my-my Rihanna and my dart so... 2 does not hit. Does it hit?
Timothy (DM)
[nicely as possible] No. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Does a 8 hit?
Timothy (DM)
[so nice he said it twice] No. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh gods.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, in my... in my flip, I'm just... I'm all dazed, so I'm-I'm just shooting on this random...
Helen (Panret)
The flip is good, but when you come up, you're facing the wrong direction.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] Exactly, and I'm like "Oh. Shit. Panret, you got to do it."
Timothy (DM)
Alright. Panret, you're up.
Helen (Panret)
[sing-songy] I'm going to use a cantrip because I'm running out of spell slots! Umm, okay...
Timothy (DM)
Love this much.
Helen (Panret)
A Constitution saving... Constitution save, please.
Russell (Upri)
Love the paniced spellcaster dance. [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Ooh, a 4.
Helen (Panret)
No, that does not pass. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] Soooo, this is Poi-son Spray, which is gonna be some poison damage (hopefully at least a couple)... it's 1. [Kendrick and Russell laugh] [singing] 1 poison damage!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Do you want your die back? 'Cause I feel like this is the one that--
Russell (Upri)
[imitating a blown kiss] Like a little *Pfff*. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
I LOVE when people roll 1 for damage 'cause it's the silliest thing.
Helen (Panret)
So, it's like *Pffffp* and then Panret starts screaming again. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Especially, at, like, higher level when, like, everyone's health's like 100. You really just, like, slapped them on the back.
Helen (Panret)
Yyyyyep. Uh-huh.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Slap the bag.
Timothy (DM)
All right, everybody--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Keep hitting her, like I got... [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
You got the one damage, right? You wrote that down? [Russell and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Make a Wisdom save.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We could all save.
Helen (Panret)
17.
Kendrick (Yonce)
5.
Russell (Upri)
15.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] I don't want to die!
Timothy (DM)
All right. Yonce?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[dejected] Yes.
Timothy (DM)
You all hear her say, "Follow" and as soon as she does, Yonce, you start walking off towards the ruins as you see a projection of her start to travel off that direction and she turns to the other two not enthralled by her command.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[brainwashed] Must. Follow. Steward.
Helen (Panret)
So that's her turn?
Timothy (DM)
Uh huh.
Helen (Panret)
So then it's Upri's turn.
Timothy (DM)
it is Upri's turn.
Russell (Upri)
Stew,y-y-you gotta stop this. [Tim laughs] What the fuck are you doing? Turning your own people into those fucking monsters? [long pause] Really? Speechless, Stew? [Helen and Tim laugh]
Timothy (The Steward)
She smiles at you. "Whose people?"
Russell (Upri)
Your people. Of Ilrune.
Timothy (The Steward)
[breathlessly] *sigh* People are just... puppets to be controlled. You could have been a puppet, Upri. And you had to ruin it.
Russell (Upri)
"Well, I was about to surrender to save the lives of your people, but God damn it, you're such a piece of shit it makes my ass itch ,so I'm gonna fuck you up!" [Tim laughs] and I grab Fern by both... with both hands, and I'd try to SLAM it into her.
Timothy (DM)
All right, make an attack roll.
Russell (Upri)
8.
Timothy (DM)
She deftly pivots around and misses your attack.
Russell (Upri)
FUCK!
Timothy (DM)
Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[forgetting the Steward's title] Must. Follow. Stewardess.
Russell (Upri)
Yonce, snap out of it!
Kendrick (Yonce)
No. Must, Follow. Steward.
Helen (Panret)
[laughs] I'm like... I like the idea that we're all being like "No, I'm NOT snapping out of it. No."
Timothy (DM)
You... can do nothing. You can do nothing to snap out of this. You MUST finish that command to completion unless her spell is dropped.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I can't even roll nothing?
Helen (Panret)
There's no saving throw?
Timothy (DM)
There's no continued saving throw on this one.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I could die. [back to drone] Must. Follow. Steward. 'Til. Death. Must. Follow.
Timothy (DM)
...and you continue to follow the projection of the Steward. Panret, you see Yonce is 30 feet off into the ruins--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Follllloooooowwww.
Timothy (DM)
At this point, they are starting to walk down stairs.
Helen (Panret)
Are they, like, right next to each other? Yonce and the Steward?
Timothy (DM)
YOU"RE next to the Steward.
Russell (Upri)
It's like a projection.
Timothy (DM)
It has an illusion leading Yonce away.
Helen (Panret)
Oh! Fuck, ok.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whispers to Helen] Ice Dagger the bitch. [Russell laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Well, if I'M next to the Steward, then that means I'm gonna Ice Dagger myself.
Timothy (DM)
[cheery] Mm-hmm.
Russell (Upri)
And me again.
Helen (Panret)
And Upri, who I've already... that was already done once.
Kendrick (Yonce)
But your good old friend Yonce!
Helen (Panret)
What options do we have right now, even? I'm very... I'm feeling very stuck.
Russell (Upri)
I don't know that there are any more.
Timothy (DM)
You have all the options that you want?
Kendrick (Yonce)
You could come try to grab me.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. Pan Pan, go get Yon; I have a plan.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I'm gonna try to go grab Yonce.
Timothy (DM)
All right, so you're going to run after Yonce.
Helen (Panret)
I'm gonna run after Yonce.
Timothy (DM)
You get to the Yonce. You see them starting to descend on these stairs. You look in, and you see the ruins around you are crumbled, but not with age; with destruction, and as you look into the room, you see a faint glowing purple light at the bottom of the stairs. You grab Yonce, and you start pulling them back up the stairs. I need you two to make contested Strength saves.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Please be a 1, please be a 1. [Helen laughs] It's a ssss-- 8.
Helen (Panret)
I got a 10.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, you are overpowering Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow. Let. Go.
Timothy (DM)
--and you start pulling them up the stairs, pulling them out of the ruin, and it's again... we're gonna treat this like difficult terrain mechanics. You're moving half your speed away, but that's your turn.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, so it's the Steward turn?
Timothy (DM)
Yep. Upri. Make an Intelligence saving throw.
Russell (Upri)
[laughs] How dare you? [Kendrick laughs] [groans] I'll try this dice. 16.
Timothy (The Steward)
You feel this, like, burning pain in your head and this, like, ringing noise starts to build, and you hear the Steward begin to speak as the pain is subsiding. "Oh, Upri. I have "plans" for you. If only you'd let go." and it's your turn. :)
Russell (Upri)
"I ain't nobody's puppet, you egg-suckin' bitch." [Tim loses it] and then Upri gently puts Fern down beside her, pulls out her hand axe, and cuts her wrist. [dead silence]
Timothy (DM)
[surprised] Oh! All right....... you do that. You cut your wrist?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, this bitch ain't gettin' me.
Timothy (DM)
Blood starts to pour out. Make a damage roll on yourself.
Russell (Upri)
5.
Timothy (DM)
We will absolutely put a trigger warning on this episode.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yes [laughs] Ooof.
Timothy (DM)
5. All right. You take 5 slashing damage.
Russell (Upri)
Should I have passed first before I did that?
Timothy (DM)
You're fine, and you see her face breaks as you do that.
Russell (Upri)
Like she loses her cool?
Timothy (DM)
Give me an Insight!
Russell (Upri)
15.
Timothy (DM)
She seems disappointed.
Russell (Upri)
Good thing I ain't tryin' to please that bitch. No way.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, you are still struggling, fighting against Panret, but they are pulling you away from your goal.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Let. Me. Goooo. [Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Do we need to do another Strength?
Timothy (DM)
Do another contested Strength.
Kendrick (Yonce)
16.
Helen (Panret)
9.
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, at this point, Yonce begins to pull back towards the stairs.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[monotonously] Follow. Must. Follow.
Timothy (DM)
And then it is Panret's turn. You can do another contested Strength as we're gonna play tug of war over Yonce's body. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
Does Panret realize what's happening with Upri?
Timothy (DM)
Give me a Perception check and do it with disadvantage because you're currently battling Yonce.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. 7?
Timothy (DM)
You are a little concerned at the silence. Not silence but...
Helen (Panret)
Stillness?
Timothy (DM)
Stillness.
Helen (Panret)
Sure. Okay, so I'm like "Something weird is going on back there, but I'll keep struggling with Yonce. Yonce, stop. You have to stop."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow.
Helen (Panret)
A 15.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, you beat me.
Helen (Panret)
All right, so I tug Yonce. "Back! Again!"
Timothy (DM)
Back and forth and back and forth and a little, um, flag is going back and forth over the line. [Kendrick and Helen laugh] Alright.
Helen (Panret)
[with raised voice] Upri! Upri, are you okay?
Russell (Upri)
[solemnly] She doesn't answer.
Helen (Panret)
Oh god.
Timothy (The Steward)
The Steward, whose face is broken, quickly sweeps down like... there's like this grand flourish as she kind of envelops you and grabs your wrists, holding the blood in, and she just says "I have SO many plans for you, but now you must hold on." and she's going to grab you and *BLIP* [long pause]
Timothy (DM)
You both blip out, and when you come back, you're in a dark room.There's a faint purple glow emanating through the room, and as you examine your surroundings, you see this giant stone arch with this, like, warbling black fluid-like structure and an altar in the middle of the room. The chamber is rough-hewn dark stone, and you see sigils and runes inscribed all over the floor. What do you do?
Russell (Upri)
Is it my turn?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Yeah, it's your turn.
Russell (Upri)
I headbutt that fucking bitch [whip noise] 'cause she's holding on to me with both hands, right?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Gonna headbutt 'er.
Timothy (DM)
Headbutt her. Let's do that as an improvised... or do you actually have a Headbutt ability? [Tim and Helen laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Oh, no, no, I was gonna count it as an unarmed strike.
Timothy (DM)
Unarmed strike's perfect. Yep, great.
Russell (Upri)
That's 7 to hit?
Timothy (The Steward)
A 7 is not going to hit. As she sees you ('cause she's, like, wrapped kind of around you), you go to, like, headbutt her, and she just moves her head backwards with you. "Hold on, now."
Timothy (DM)
And Yonce. [laughs] We're gonna go to you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I do anything?
Timothy (DM)
Nnnnnnno.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Must. Follow. Still. *GGRRRR* [Helen and Russell laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Make your contested Strength as you are playing the Battle of the Will Power with Panret.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I had a nat 20.
Helen (Panret)
Oh... I did not. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Timothy (DM)
So with a nat 20, we're gonna have fun because you are just going to RIP down the stairs, and as you do so, you're going to pull away from Panret and stumble down to the bottom of the stairs. [Kendrick: "Ouch"] You are going to take 2 bludgeoning damage.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So that's more of a [quietly] *ouch*. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And as you do so, you hit your head, and you start to come to; the charm breaks.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Do I remember anything?
Timothy (DM)
You remember all of it. Again, confounded by your actions., but you understand that you had been charmed.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to yell up to Panret. "Pan, Pan Pan, are you okay?
Timothy (DM)
And as you're yelling, you see a dark stone-hewn ruin with a faintly purple glowing fluid, floating in the grand arch and an altar, sitting above sigils drawn on the floor. You see the Steward holding Upri as they struggle against each other.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Can I attack her with advantage since it'd be a surprise?
Timothy (DM)
[plainly] It's not a surprise. [laughs] You have a bonus action left and half of your movement.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Then I'm just gonna do an Unarmed Strike 'caus that's all I c-- Oh, what's Fury of Blows? Ooh, that sounds sexy.
Timothy (DM)
Welcome to being a monk! [Helen laughs] The character that you've been playing.
Russell (Upri)
[a la Jacque Cousteau] Eight. Hours. Later. [Kendrick and Tim laugh] "I can do Monk abilities?!?"
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, it just means I can make two unarmed strikes if I use one Ki. You know what? I am new, viewers, to D&D. I've only been playing for a year, and I'm still learning--
Timothy (DM)
And you're doing a great job.
Kendrick (Yonce)
--so I need everyone to be KIND-uh.
Timothy (DM)
Please.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Thank you. So, I'm going to use one of my Ki to do unarms-- that means I can do unarmed strike twice, and I'll just roll both die. All right. After further looking at my instructions, it is actually I get to roll a d4 either my Dex or my Strength, and my Dex is definitely stronger, so I'm gonna use that, and since Flurry of Blows is two, I can roll two d4s.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] For 2 damage.
Timothy (DM)
Did you add your modifiers?
Kendrick (Yonce)
10 damage.
Timothy (DM)
[relieved] There we go.
Helen (Panret)
That make a big difference. All right, there we go. Woo!
Russell (Upri)
Oh fuck! That's a huge difference for a monk.
Kendrick (Yonce)
We're on... we're on the right train now.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, monks can do damage with their fists. It's what they do [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
When they're not wearing chain mail.
Timothy (DM)
All right, so you punch into the Steward. You knock her cheek away. You see that, like, it immediately starts to bruise as you hit into her.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Leave my sister alone, you BITCH.
Timothy (DM)
Alright.
Russell (Upri)
Real quick: we respect women. This person is just... evil. Thank you. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Thank you? for the disclaimer. We'll put a couple of those out. [sighs] Panret, what are you doing?
Helen (Panret)
[matter of factly] Panicking.[all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Fair. Fair fair fair fair.
Helen (Panret)
All right, so Yonce shook off this enthrall and then ran over and started punching. [Kendrick laughs] I'm assuming at this point, Penrat can tell that Upri's bleeding, like, a lot. I assume that they're bleeding, like, a lot.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, they're bleeding quite a bit, um, mm-hmm.
Helen (Panret)
Okay. So bleeding. Yonce punches the Steward, and Panret has exactly one spell left. Uh... [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[whispers] Ice Knife! [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Kill everybody. The DM is like "I don't really want to TPK" and I'm like "Oh, but what if?" [all laugh] [Editor's Note: TPK stands for Total Party Kill, where all members of the party are killed in one battle, effectively ending the campaign]
Timothy (DM)
What if! Good thing, nobody has Fireball.
Helen (Panret)
All right, I'm gonna run over to where they are, and I'm gonna just POISON SPRAY again, which is a cantrip at the Steward.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no, that's not a Con is it?
Helen (Panret)
No.
Timothy (DM)
Constitution save for the Steward. They are going to fail big time.
Russell (Upri)
Ooooh.
Timothy (DM)
Not that that changes anything. They failed.
Helen (Panret)
It says "a puff of noxious gas". Yep. Okay, and it's also says "the creature must succeed" so that makes it sound like one target.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, okay. It is single target.
Helen (Panret)
Alright, so [thinking sounds] poison damage. Panret is screaming "Stop, stop. Stop!" and does 9 poison damage.
Timothy (The Steward)
All right. That's a significant amount. You see them kind of caught off guard by the punch and the noxious gas [Kendrick laughs] and they are going to throw Upri away... [laughs] in the trash; no. [Russell grunts; Helen and Kendrick laughs] They're gonna push off of Upri and kind of stumble back. "If you gonna do this the hard way, then we'll do it MYYYY WAY."
Kendrick (Yonce)
Aaaahh! Yes, acting! [claps]
Helen (Panret)
That was really good.
Timothy (DM)
--and, uh, I am going to cast Charm Person on Upri. Upri, make a Wisdom saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You better work for that Oscar. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
That was great.
Russell (Upri)
10.
Timothy (DM)
All right. You have become charmed by the wiles of the Goddess. You feel warm and tingly and happy. Your wrists hurt, but that's no matter because the Goddess has you.
Russell (Upri)
Shit, why the fuck were we fighting before? This feels great.
Helen (Panret)
So, that was the Steward's turn?
Timothy (DM)
That was the Steward's turn. Upri... yes.
Helen (Panret)
Does she make a Charisma save or...?
Timothy (DM)
Upri will make a... nothing. No, you don't make a Charisma save--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[speaking from extensive experience] 'Cause the spell has to be completed.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, this spell has to be dropped or the spellcaster or any of their compatriots/companions have to hurt Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Upri walks on over to Stew. "Alright, let's do this. Do I have some say in what I get to do or y'know... what's happening? I'm on board."
Helen (Panret)
Okay. All right, then it is Yonce's turn.
Timothy (DM)
She will smile at you--
Russell (Upri)
Damn, that smile would be pretty if it weren't so creepy.
Timothy (DM)
--and motions towards the portal.
Russell (Upri)
"Oh, alright. Where's it leadin'?" and then I just walk into it.
Timothy (DM)
And so you all see Upri slowly start walking towards the portal.
Helen (Panret)
Bad. Bad bad bad bad bad.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[quietly] No.
Timothy (DM)
Yonce, what are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
So how can I break the curse again? Can you just repeat that?
Timothy (DM)
You can't.
Russell (Upri)
You can't unless you somehow get the Steward to attack me.
Timothy (DM)
Or kill her.
Russell (Upri)
Or kill 'er
Helen (Panret)
Kill her!
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right.
Russell (Upri)
And Charm isn't concentration either. I don't think, right?
Timothy (DM)
It is not concentration.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna look at Pan Pan. I'm like, "You're good at tug of war. Get Upri; I will deal with the Steward. If I die, tell my sibling that I love them" as a singular thug tear drops in my eye again. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[quietly to the group] I still don't quite understand what that means.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[consolingly] It's a Black thing; you don't have to.
Russell (Upri)
Ok. [Tim and Helen laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
For the viewers at home, I am Black, so... just so you know, I am! So, I want to say that, and I'm going to give a nod to Panret, and then I'm going to hit the Stewardess with my Rihanna and my dart. Does a 10 hit?
Timothy (DM)
No.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Of course not. Does a 16 hit?
Timothy (DM)
That does.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So that's 1d4. 1 damage. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Plus your modifiers?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh yeah, so 5 damage.
Timothy (DM)
5 damage, there we go. All right. Panret, what are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm looking at Panret, being like "GET UPRI. I got it."
Helen (Panret)
[*concerned noise*] All right. Panret is gonna grab Upri and try to pull her away from the portal--
Russell (Upri)
Oh, hi, Pan Pan, you come with? That's so pretty.
Helen (Panret)
--so that's Strength, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I like how we both got charmed at different...
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, contested Strength with Upri.
Helen (Panret)
[a bit sarcastically] No one has successfully grappled Upri, but I'm gonna TRY. [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[nerdly excited] Finally, it's working to my advantage!
Russell (Upri)
18.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, I fail.
Russell (Upri)
C'mon, Pan Pan!
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you grab onto Upri. You start trying to tug her back, and she is just like--
Helen (Panret)
It's like I'm not even there?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, just... you're being dragged--
Russell (Upri)
I pick YOU up and take you with ME towards the portal. Arms locked. [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Do you pick her up? Do you pick them up?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah. "Pan Pan, you coming with?"
Helen (Panret)
NOoo. Oh, shit.
Russell (Upri)
Ohhh, you don't have nothing to be afraid of, Pan Pan.
Helen (Panret)
[flailing but laughing] No, stop! Stop it! Stop, put me down.
Russell (Upri)
No, it'll be fun. [devilish scream from Tim]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Helen (Panret)
I'm internally screaming right now!
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're externally doing it too.
Timothy (DM)
[crying] I'm externally doing it... [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I guess we're gonna get that TDP! [Helen laughs] Wait, TPK, sorry.
Helen (Panret)
TPK.
Russell (Upri)
That portal ain't gonna kill us silly. [Tim makes some unearthly noise]
Timothy (DM)
[desperately whispers] Panret.
Helen (Panret)
This is bad--
Timothy (DM)
Panret.
Helen (Panret)
Bad bad bad bad.
Timothy (DM)
Make a Wisdom saving throw?
Russell (Upri)
[befuddled] What? Why?
Helen (Panret)
14.
Timothy (DM)
A 14? That's gonna fail.
Helen (Panret)
[making the ._. face] Great.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] I'm sorry, I didn't to... [Helen laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] Good plan, Yonce! [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (The Steward)
So, you begin to hear the Steward's voice in your head, and you know it's in your head because it doesn't sound like it's coming from the direction that she's standing, and she just says "Oh, little one. You are not coming. Leave." and as she does so, you feel your legs start to pull away from Upri, and you start moving towards--
Russell (Upri)
Upri holds on. "Pan Pan, Where you going?"
Timothy (DM)
--the exit. Make a contested Strength save.
Helen (Panret)
20.
Timothy (DM)
Oh no.
Russell (Upri)
19...shit.
Timothy (DM)
[crying] The only one that you succeed on against Upri is the one--
Helen (Panret)
[laughing] The only successful Strength check against Upri, and it's at the worst possible time. [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[heartbroken] You don't want to come with me?
Timothy (DM)
As Upri tries to pull you towards the portal and your legs try to pull you towards the stairs--
Helen (Panret)
And I tear in half! [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
--you pull your arm down out of her grasp and continue walking that direction. Upri is continued to be compelled towards the portal as you see the Steward starts to walk towards Upri, allowing for an attack of opportunity.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I'm going to take it, and I am going to use my dart 'cause it's the strongest thing I have for some reason--
Russell (Upri)
[knowingly] Isn't punching stronger?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh yeah, the punching is stronger.
Helen (Panret)
Punch! Punch punch punch.
Timothy (DM)
The punching is stronger
Russell (Upri)
And do you have more Ki points? Perhaps multiple blows?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah, I'm going to use (completely on my own volition)--
Helen (Panret)
Just thinking out loud
Kendrick (Yonce)
--Fury of Blows. Does a 11 and a 16 hit?
Timothy (DM)
Both hit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, so that's gonna be 10 damage again.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you do 10 damage to her. As she turns, you kind of, like... you punch her in the back--
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just gonna be like "Let go of my br-- sibling!"
Timothy (DM)
--and you see, like, her body kind of crumples in with the blows, but she perseveres [laughs] and continues to walk towards Upri. She takes her arm and wraps it around Upri's shoulder as she steps into the portal and they both--
Russell (Upri)
Stew? I know we're friends now, but low-key, you're still kind of a bitch. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And with that, you both step into the portal and disappear.
Russell (Upri)
[OOC] .........so I'm scheduling an extra therapy appointment next week is what I'm thinking? I can pay for a group session.
Helen (Panret)
That's it?
Timothy (DM)
And the portal closes behind you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I dropped to my knees, and I'm just, like, crying.
Helen (Panret)
Is Panret still compelled in the other direction, or does it drop?
Timothy (DM)
It drops as the Steward leaves. Give me an Arcana.
Helen (Panret)
[sadly] 6.
Timothy (DM)
Okay. Yeah, it just dropped.
Helen (Panret)
I'm just like "That was fucking magic!" [Russell and Kendrick laugh] Yeah, um...
Timothy (DM)
Magical!
Helen (Panret)
Magic! Wuh, where did she go?!?
Russell (Upri)
[narrating] "Now, we're here in the forest run by awful beings that will murder us!"
Helen (Panret)
Yonce, where did she go? They were just here. They were JUST here. Where did they go?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[falteringly] They went through the p-- they went... [deep breath]. They went through the portal. She's gone.
Helen (Panret)
That's it?
Kendrick (Yonce)
"I guess so." [to Helen] I'm just crying. I don't know what to do.
Timothy (DM)
[uncertain] And that's where we'll end this session... adventure?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[defeated grunt]
Timothy (DM)
And that is where this chapter of Shadows of Prophecy comes to a close. Thank you for joining us through the darkness and continue the story next time for a thrilling new adventure.
Timothy (DM)
Shout out to my brother, known as the chill electronic vapor soul artist, LUSQ, for writing our chillingly epic theme song; editing by Scrubcast; and a big shout out to Syrinscape for some amazing atmosphere and music. Make sure to check them out at syrinscape.com I always use them at my game table, and it really does add that little something special to bring your players into this story. Also, please follow us on Twitter @ShadowsProphecy and Instagram @shadows_of_prophecy. And show us some support by becoming one of our fabulous patrons at patreon.com/shadowsofprophecy, where you can get access to bonus content like handouts, encounter maps, and even adventure guides to run your own horrific campaigns or one-shots. And at the very least, give us a five star review on your podcast platform of choice. This is how we get the word out about our podcast and we love sharing it with you all. Thank you, and tune in next time for more tales of dread and despair at Shadows of Prophecy
