#8 Limiting Factors

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Hello friends.
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This is Funnel Cake Brain.
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I am Carp.
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Let's get it going.
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I come to you to this week after um going over multiple times, trying to make the last week's episode or that rumination thing I put out into a more coherent and polished product.
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Product I'll call it, like McDonald's calls their burgers.
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Not food, products.
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But in trying to make a more polished product, ultimately what ended up happening was it kind of felt like a TED talk, where it was just, I don't know, up on stage, like too formalized.
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And as I do this more and more, what I've come to find is I I sort of like the just the open forum.
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I come down here with a like a loose outline and just give it some space, and this is what I like to do.
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So, you know, I like I I feel much more loosened up too.
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Uh and again, I'm not gonna start every episode with me talking about my process for this podcast, but it is interesting to see how like things are evolving, just e even within the first couple months.
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So I like to externalize that, you know, when you take on something new, it's my idea of what it was gonna be is so different than the way it's playing out.
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And as I listen to it back, it's nice to get my own internal feedback off seeing myself in third person through this.
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I don't know.
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I'm just enjoying it, so I'm I'm talking about it.
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But they uh to be able to kind of like see how this thing is evolving into what it's becoming, or at least just the way I present this thing, is that uh obviously as I I'm getting looser, I'm loosening up because at the beginning of this, I wanted to be, I guess, more of a like a radio host type personality, I think is what I came in thinking I had to be like not a I didn't want to be a character that was different than me, but I wanted to have some sort of presentation.
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And like the the times I listen back to a bunch of episodes that I haven't published, and I won't, but it's just like practice and whatnot.
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Uh I tend to like when I just riff.
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And so um that's uh I'm still gonna do like the formalized outline stuff, but it's just to loosen up a bit and have some fun with this, because it did feel a little tight, at least to me, anyway, in the beginning.
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So we're gonna get beyond that.
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And eventually, I promise I'll stop talking about this process and how I'm doing this because uh who's interested in that?
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Except for me, man, and that's why I'm doing this, but I'll spare you.
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Um, so after getting off of last week and going over all of that, the stuff I talked about with death, and um I think that's a pretty much all I'm remembering from that was the death part.
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Oh god.
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Well, I've been so here's the thing.
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I I moved on, I kind of just buried the tape on that one and said, All right, we're done with it after trying to polish it up and getting sick of saying the same thing over and over.
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And so uh this week I moved on to something else, and I was kind of getting to the point of like, all right, I I've I think I've I'm working on it daily, but trying to polish it up is getting exhausting.
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So I decided to, you know, just go with it, be loose with it, start this podcast, and just go into what I'm working on.
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And what it is this week is is this idea of limitation and how useful limitation is, and how we we were sold this idea that unlimited choice was a good thing, was some form of freedom, and that there's actually more of an imprisonment in unlimited freedom through choices, mostly because those choices have to be provided for you to choose from.
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But when you limit yourself to just making a choice and sticking with it, you become the control center of how that decision and that choice is going to play itself out.
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You know, instead of going, ah, this isn't working right now, and I have this sea of other choices, I'm just gonna move on to the next thing.
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And then when that stops working, I'll move on to the next thing.
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And what you never access in that sort of jumping around from lily pad to lily pad is your own creativity, is your own sort of like inner um problem solving.
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The stuff that makes you you is what comes out when you confront an obstacle.
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And instead of just going on to the next, I now have to deal internally with like why I can't get past this place.
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And it could be something as simple.
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I always use the example of like toothpaste.
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Because when I've been out camping or in the woods, backpacking, things like that, when you go to like a country store, uh, and the option is toothpaste, brand toothpaste.
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It's just sitting there on the shelf and it's just toothpaste.
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You just grab it and brush your teeth.
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And then I go to Walmart and I got 50 toothpaste in front of me, and I'm like, what is what is the difference with all these fucking things?
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And then you look at the active ingredients, and you're like, oh, it's all Sanus fluoride or whatever it is, it's all kind of the same thing.
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But the you know, the labels in the marketing, it just throws me off.
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And it's just like, just put what in front of me says fucking toothpaste on it.
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I mean, eventually that's where I got with my drinking, where I just was grabbing the vodka brand vodka bottle.
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And, you know, in a way, alcoholism simplified what I was trying to do because it was like just get drunk.
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But um, you know, in other realms of life, let's not hopefully not bring that into this.
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Uh just having less choice makes life easier.
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But on top of it, it makes it so you are then, I don't want to say forced because it's it's not a force, it but it makes it so that you are the one that has to overcome as opposed to making a different selection.
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Now um, another example I like to use is my marriage.
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When I first got into the relationship that turned into my marriage, you know, and it's like, okay, uh, I liked dating, I liked having options on all that stuff.
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And it felt confining at first to be like, I'm I'm sticking with this one.
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And then uh once I was you know married, and it's like you don't have a choice, you have to make this work.
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Now, in the realm of dealing with another person as opposed to toothpaste, let's not equivocate these two things, but the selection process is extremely important.
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Um, and make sure you have a firm sense of who you are and what you value, and you find somebody who values that as well.
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And maybe the external parts don't become the most important thing, but like the person themselves, what a novel concept.
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But then you go, okay, with this person, I know that we can travel through life together and kind of deal with it.
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But what I mean in the limitation of what marriage is is that when you take away the options of other people fulfilling your needs, you then have to work with another person to make the situation that you're in work without abandoning it altogether and going, ah, onto the next, onto the next.
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This in the dating world is most uh prevalent or most like uh evident with you know, swipe, swipe, swipe.
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This person, the most surface it could be, because all it is is a face on a screen with a description of whatever.
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But um, you know, that's kind of like in the dating world, or when you're just going, oh I don't I'm bored with this person, or I'm titillated by that person.
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I'm gonna move on and keep moving on and all these infinite options.
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And then you never get beneath the surface and your life is shallow, and uh, we we know all the cliches.
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But I was looking at the like again, I like to go back to just the utility.
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Let's let's strip away all the emotional shit out of it and just go, when I don't have the option of other people, I gotta make it work with this one.
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It uh it requires that I invest, it requires that um if things aren't working, we have to come together to make them work.
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Uh, there's a lot more self-analysis, there's a lot more evaluation.
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It just leads to a deeper, richer life when you do have to confine yourself to the decisions that you've made.
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And when it comes to sobriety, I felt the same sort of way.
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It was confining, and you know, uh I was thinking the other day of like how without alcohol, I kept looking around, going, like, what do I do?
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I feel, you know, we're facing like everything's falling apart, the wave coming, it's crashing on us, and World War III is around the corner, and AI is gonna kill everything, and you know, it's all getting so expensive, they're threatening us in every conceivable way, and it's fear, fear, fear, fear, fear.
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And, you know, in light of all that, it's like, what where do I go to decompress?
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How do I?
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And that was something especially like early in sobriety when it was my coping mechanism for everything was to just drink it all away.
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External circumstance, internal strife, all of it, just drink it away.
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And you know, I had made my decision with alcohol that it was going to be a cover all, and then rode that as far as I could, basically, until I almost died, and then uh got out of it.
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But what happened was now I had to make a different, similar uh sort of commitment to a lifestyle, and that being one of sobriety, where the option wasn't there for me.
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And I think once I mentally understood that alcohol just wasn't an option, for a long time when I relapsed and all of that, and and just kept thinking that one day maybe I could allow this to trickle back into my life, it always was an option.
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But once I removed that as an option, it all of a sudden the other part of my brain that had to get creative sparked back up.
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Granted, it took a lot, like there was a lot of rust to kick off of it, and you know, you pull the the riff cord a couple times, like those old mowers.
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Like it didn't want to go.
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Lots of sparks and smoke.
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But eventually, you know, it worked its way into some sort of operational function, you know, and when it did, it sort of forced me to again.
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I use force, I don't mean it that way, but it uh like I'm gonna say it again.
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It forced me to get more creative with how I'm gonna deal with stuff, which led me to this, which is you know, learn as much as I can about myself and all the various ways that I can cope with life that isn't just this cover-all salve of alcohol.
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Uh so you know, whether it's sobriety or marriage or toothpaste, you know, the the main idea I want to put forth is that limitation allows us to access our humanity better than infinite choice.
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But what's sold to us is infinite choice, obviously, just from a business standpoint, let's keep offering more choices.
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They like if they don't like something, they gotta they don't have to adapt or accept or whatever, they can just keep moving, moving, moving, and we'll keep telling them that that is the way life should be.
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Keep moving towards the next choice that we provide them.
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And so uh in light of all of that, I wanted to focus on limitation.
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I think one of a another like interesting example of that is when you see prisoners, and uh, you know, playing handball a lot of my life, I played with a lot of prisoners too, because it's it's like this weird um confluence of prisoners, people like in college who collegiately played handball, and then like old people.
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And it was just like this, I don't know, it was like a weird thing, like the the groups that I would find when I play like pick up stuff in the park.
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It was all these people you wouldn't expect to be together.
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But one of them was a guy who had a bunch of tattoos and shit, and he got them all from you know, like using pen ink and motors from clocks and just like crazy stuff.
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But you see that like how creative people can get when they have very limited resources, they still find a way to get things done, and there's something that's really rewarding, at least for me, when I have like there's that old show called MacGyver.
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They made a uh they were supposed like a spoof on SNL called McGruber and then made some movies about it.
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But the idea was that like this guy could take you know a hose and a tarp and like I don't know, a car battery, and then make a helicopter.
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It was really, I don't know, it was a fun, silly show like that.
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But it was that was always the thing when you're we were younger and we could we just find ways to make duct tape everything together and toothpicks and and all of that, was uh how can we make something work with very limited resources?
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And I think it allows us to access a really uniquely human thing, is when we can do that.
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And so, especially in the realm of sobriety and other things that are like commitments that matter, like a marriage or or friendships or anything, if saying, like, I'm not gonna abandon this because I've hit a point where I can't figure out how to make it work.
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It's like, no, stay in it, because that's where you truly get to access who you are and what you're capable of, is when your back's kind of against the wall, and not in a bad way necessarily, like that anybody else is putting you there, but if you can't find a way around it, then that's the time to start working, like start working on it, not to abandon it.
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And um to obviously, this isn't like a a coverall for like if you're in an abusive relationship.
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Well, you know, like caveat, caveat disclaimer.
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But just in the grand scheme of things, when you're making a decision and you stick with it, this is the advantage of going, all right, I I'm going to see this thing through.
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And so I like that idea a lot of of reframing how beneficial limitation is and sticking through and just seeing what happens.
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So that came up this week as I was kind of working on this stuff, and and um somewhere along the line, we're gonna move in a different direction here.
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I was reading in the morning and I started thinking about um not being uh what is like a preacher, but something along those lines, like uh something came up in my mind about chasing whether it be fame or success or something, but like what if I don't know why I did this thought experiment, but I'm gonna try the best I can to chase it.
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What if all of a sudden I was in a position to be like a preacher?
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No, I don't want anything to do with you know, like large religion shit like that, but for the purpose of this exercise, and I'm you know, I I'm filling up football stadiums and shit, and I got a private plane and all of that.
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And it was like the point of going down that line of thinking was to go, would I want that?
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And like what imagination plays in this realm of limitation?
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Like it's almost good to limit our imagination, and this is why, and I'm gonna try to explain it best I can.
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Uh so when I was imagining, like, if if let's say this podcast took off, if something happened where I get some sort of notoriety, and and I'm just sort of playing that out in my head.
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Uh, would I want that?
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And it's like, yeah, I want it for as long as I'm sitting there imagining it.
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So for like 30 seconds, because all I'm imagining is like money and private jets, and I have these concubines.
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I don't even know if that's a thing people do anymore.
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It's like, you know, your side piece, if that's what they're calling it these days.
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Um, but you know, how these guys live, it's totally incongruent with the message they preach.
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But that's more like when imagination sort of you play the tape forward and go, oh, that's actually what this life looks like.
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These people are living dual lives, uh, and all of that.
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And so, like, I'm starting to see like where my imagination starts, and where it starts is in all of the good.
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I all this material shit, all this pleasure seeking, the hedonism, all of that stuff.
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And then it moves towards, okay, let's just play that out.
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What did life really look like for those people?
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And then what what it eventually like why it is incongruent with my my soul is sort of because you have to live two lives.
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But what it becomes as you see it with these people is they have to keep chasing more and more and more because the only times they're feeling good are when they're using the shit, you know, when they're involved in the stuff.
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And it's not when they're by themselves and quiet and comfortable with their own existence, it's when they're engaged in more and more and more because I I'm only feeling good when I'm involved with all of the crap, the external crap, you know.
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So the way that this started to take then dovetail was sobriety of like when I would go back, it was oh, I want to feel that state again.
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I want to feel that drunk or the high or whatever it is.
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And the only way for me to access a pleasurable life is to do that.
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And then that got me thinking, well, what are the mechanisms to do that?
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And there's a there's like a biological chemical process, uh, that would be like the dopaminergic threshold.
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We're gonna talk about that in a minute.
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Then there's more the psychological side, which is the hedonistic threshold or the the hedon, the hedonic baseline, where is kind of your general state, like where is your contentment line uh internally, just in the in your thought processes and the way that you're viewing the world.
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And then you take that out to more of the spiritual realm where you can start like why am I doing what I'm doing?
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And the things that move us that aren't you we can break them down to a biological process, but it's if it's just explained by biology, then we're nothing more than animals.
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And there's so much more to us than that that they it's gotta go deeper than that.
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So it's like that's why I like to pull all this stuff together.
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You got the biological side, the psychological side, and then the spiritual side.
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And if we kind of sh look at all of those through each one of those lenses and then pull it back together and start at the this, you know, this initial idea of like, wouldn't it be nice to be rich and famous and have all this shit and hedonistic and give in to my basis desires at all times?
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Why doesn't that work?
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Well, I'll tell you why it doesn't work from a biological standpoint, from a psychological standpoint, and from a spiritual standpoint.
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So let's start with the biological side of things.
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So uh we have what's called a dopaminergic threshold or a dopamine threshold, and that's basically where any sort of stimulus that rises above that threshold, then um we have a response to it.
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So like our brains have this steady, sort of manageable amount of dopamine release, and that it'll surge up when good things happen.
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You know, you have sex, you eat a meal, you exercise, and then you feel that endorphin rush afterwards.
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Like anything that's pleasurable is when if you think of like on a graph, you have the two axes and like a line just going straight across, like horizontally, and then you have these little spikes, and a little spike will come from anything that you do.
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But what ends up happening is as you introduce a drug, and in this case, I'm gonna equate drugs with also a hedonistic lifestyle, pleasure-seeking activities where you're just existing for pleasure only.
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And for me, that was like alcohol provided that.
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All of a sudden, the spikes that happen as a result of an exogenous, that means external form, something that's causing these huge dopamine spikes, it goes way higher than anything sort of natural or in your day-to-day.
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And then the baseline where it sits and what your brain responds to over time with chronic use either of a substance or chronically living in a pleasure-filled environment, will start to uh I guess you upregulate, where it's moving upwards.
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So the smaller blips of like, oh, a little piece of chocolate, that gave me some pleasure.
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You feel nothing.
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It's not until you get those huge spikes where the spike travels above that threshold for where you feel the pleasure.
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So the the threshold moves higher, and the stimulus needed to get above that threshold is more and more.
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That's how tolerance is built.
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That's why you need to do more and more of a drug to feel the effect.
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Uh, that's why if you're in a pleasure-seeking world where everybody wants more and more, more, more, more, it's because that that it's it's requires more stimulus to get the effect.
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And that's from a biological standpoint.
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And what's really, you know, why I say the natural law and the organizing principles of whatever this reality is, is it's all regulated.
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And that's what the beauty of it.
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But and and it travels through each one of these things, whether it's um, you know, biological, psychological, or spiritual.
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And this is the evidence.
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You know, this is why people who love science get so caught up in proving it.
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But then it's like, well, I like to experience it too, not just the proof, like in front of my face that I can read and see, okay, that's observable.
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But to me, the spiritual side is actually feeling it, uh, doing it.
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And um, but you can't necessarily like write that down and prove it because it's only evident to you because you have to experience it.
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That to me is what separates spirituality from science, by the way, is it's like I can't tell you what's happening inside of me, I just know it because it's I've done it.
00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:03.279
And in this case, that's the biological side.
00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:07.440
So we have the dopaminergic threshold that then increases.
00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:21.200
And what happens as our bodies try to balance it is we downregulate dopamine receptors because it can't be constantly flooded with this stuff because then we're just completely dysregulated, and that is not the way anything operates.
00:22:21.440 --> 00:22:22.960
Everything seeks its balance.
00:22:23.200 --> 00:22:35.519
So on top of require that threshold moving up, when we get dopamine, we're actually absorbing less of it because there's a downregulation on the things that react to it.
00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:38.400
So it requires more, we're absorbing less.
00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:50.799
And then the removal of whatever, whether it's a substance or the lifestyle, means we go into a state of what's called anedonia, which means you can't feel any pleasure.
00:22:51.039 --> 00:22:54.240
I have been in this now for like nine months.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:59.839
And it's unbelievably miserable because nothing makes sense.
00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:02.400
There's no motivation, there's no pleasure.
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:07.039
There's just you sit around and go, all this stuff that I used to like, I feel nothing.
00:23:07.279 --> 00:23:10.319
And it's really a it's a bad place to be.
00:23:10.400 --> 00:23:26.480
It's dangerous, but it's this is why doing the work that I'm doing, or whatever you need to do on your end, is like you gotta work your way through the Anedonia until that threshold comes back down to where just like cuddling feels like something again.
00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:31.279
Something simple, a piece of chocolate, whatever it is, a good movie.
00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:41.440
But none of that stuff is gonna feel this like is going to register until that threshold comes down from where it was being like to get above it required a bunch of drugs.
00:23:41.680 --> 00:23:43.920
Like chocolate is not gonna work.
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:46.880
So um, so that's where the time part of it comes in.
00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:48.240
But that's the biological side.
00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:55.920
Now, the the psychological side is the hedonic baseline or like your happiness set point.
00:23:56.240 --> 00:24:00.400
And that's like an individual stable default level of subjective well-being.
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:04.160
It's like this is kind of where I recognize, where I'm just content.
00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:10.079
Um, and that's more like to worldview and your routines and your behaviors.
00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:16.000
There, it's also obviously influenced by the biological side, but this is more of your perception of it.
00:24:16.319 --> 00:24:23.119
And so uh when you experience a major positive event and you recognize it, it just puts you in a better state.
00:24:23.359 --> 00:24:30.319
Obviously, the biological side reacts to that, but this is where you go up and go, okay, I'm up, and then you reckon, oh, I'm down today.
00:24:30.400 --> 00:24:31.119
I'm a little down.
00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:46.400
But that hedonic baseline is where you just sort of recognize your baseline level of contentment or discontent, just sort of where you're at, and then the things that go above and below, and then your perception of it, your worldview, and how you shape it.
00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:52.480
And that one is less shaped by pleasure seeking because that'll take care of the biological side.
00:24:52.640 --> 00:24:56.079
You know, your body will react in kind to all these things changing.
00:24:56.319 --> 00:25:01.440
But this one's more of how you shape your perception to go, okay, actual simplicity.
00:25:01.599 --> 00:25:03.599
I don't need all this extraneous shit.
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:06.480
I can just be content with where I'm at.
00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:13.599
And so all of a sudden, that little spike that needs to go above the hedonic baseline can go up just by recognizing it.
00:25:13.680 --> 00:25:15.839
You don't necessarily have to do anything.
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:23.200
And I'll hearken back to when I was talking about gratitude and static novelty, where you can just be grateful for something and go, oh, that's nice.
00:25:23.359 --> 00:25:24.079
I feel better.
00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:31.039
That's that spike going above the hedonic baseline where you recognize this thing is good and your worldview feels a little bit better.
00:25:31.279 --> 00:25:42.319
And so um, to take that into the spiritual side, there's no real graph to point this out, but there is something inside of us all that kind of tells us we have to be active in this process, though.
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:46.400
You can't just sit around and think on it, and then you're kind of more in the hedonic side.
00:25:46.880 --> 00:25:49.279
The weird part of spirituality is you have to experience it.
00:25:49.440 --> 00:25:55.440
So you have to be moving either towards something and sort of feeling that that's the right way or moving away from it.
00:25:55.759 --> 00:25:58.400
But to me, anyway, it's being in alignment.
00:25:58.559 --> 00:26:12.319
And it's by building this stuff up through the biological side by living healthy, the hedonic, or you know, the psychological side by thinking healthy, and then the spiritual side by aligning with what is healthy.
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:20.160
Well, I'm gonna call it healthy, but well, you know, what is good, and sort of the general flow of things in that direction oriented towards the good.
00:26:20.400 --> 00:26:30.400
And and but what I've learned from that is the um the way to access this most easily is limitation.
00:26:30.640 --> 00:26:35.759
If we limit ourselves, it allows us to refine our focus to be able to see this stuff more easily.
00:26:35.839 --> 00:26:46.160
And as we bounce around, we don't you gotta be involved with something long enough to get data back, you know, not like computer data, but your own personal life data that matters to you.
00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:47.519
It doesn't matter to anybody else.
00:26:47.599 --> 00:26:48.799
It's not something you can sell.
00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:50.079
This is for you.
00:26:50.319 --> 00:26:56.400
And so you need to be in the experience and committed to it to get the data you need to work on yourself.
00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:00.720
And this is how I'm figuring out this process.
00:27:01.039 --> 00:27:26.799
And so um, limitation really helps in this regard because it allows you to get consistent data and then make appropriate moves so that in life, when we end up in places we don't understand, it's like, all right, well, let's simplify, get it back to somewhat of a um a manageable set of circumstances, and then really focus on how I'm responding.
00:27:26.960 --> 00:27:30.960
What's my value system, and am I aligned with what I think is the greater good?
00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:45.200
And the more we can simplify that, the easier that process becomes, and then the more in tune I get, anyway, with where my life is headed, and I get just better data and can make more informed and clear decisions.
00:27:45.920 --> 00:27:56.000
So that was sort of that like the limitations helping to inform and work on this side of things.
00:27:56.720 --> 00:28:01.920
Uh where I wanted that to go, I can't quite remember now that I'm sitting here.
00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:07.119
Um that's good enough.
00:28:09.039 --> 00:28:16.640
Uh oh, I guess it goes, you know, in a little bit, it goes back to the you know, be got to like a Joel Olstein.
00:28:16.720 --> 00:28:20.240
You know, who's this guy who like doesn't actually help people when they need it?
00:28:20.559 --> 00:28:28.960
Um when there's like a flood in Houston and he's like, ah, I got ten million dollars in my safe, but people can't come in here and sleep on the floor.
00:28:29.759 --> 00:28:37.039
Because, you know, my God only cares if you pay me, and I'm not gonna, you know, be compassionate towards you until you do that.
00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:38.000
Shit like that.
00:28:38.079 --> 00:28:45.680
But I was imagining being that guy and how how I don't even know why I was imagining.
00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:54.240
I don't want that, but it's just like, all right, well, I think I was just trying to put myself in the shoes of somebody who's really living incongruently with the message they preach.
00:28:54.480 --> 00:28:56.559
It's like that's not the what I'm trying to do here.
00:28:56.720 --> 00:29:01.279
Like, I I'm very much living in line with what I talk about, and so maybe that's what I was doing.
00:29:01.440 --> 00:29:10.319
I was just trying to pick it on some somebody who's very clearly a piece of shit, and going, like, I wonder what it's like to live like that, and what's the appeal?
00:29:10.480 --> 00:29:16.079
And maybe that's where I started from because it was like, why does what does this appeal to want to keep going back to drink or like make bad decisions?
00:29:16.240 --> 00:29:18.720
Or why do I allow my imagination to take me that far?
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:27.039
Because my imagination in those moments only is seeing the high points and not like you know how sick I was and how bad it all got and all that other shit.
00:29:27.200 --> 00:29:28.880
And it's like that's how you got to live it out.
00:29:28.960 --> 00:29:30.240
That's where your spirit gets hit.
00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:36.160
You know, the imagination gets to run wild, but then your spirit's sitting there going, Oh god, I don't want to fucking go through this again.
00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:41.680
Because it knows that's so that's how it remembers, it doesn't know how to talk, but it remembers everything.
00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:58.559
You know, unfortunately, the soul has to just sit there and take it, and it doesn't get to go, hey everybody, chill out, you know, and that's uh I think a a big reason to use that as a metaphor for like why evil conquers good, because good, good just is.
00:29:58.720 --> 00:30:00.240
It's just the way things are.
00:30:00.400 --> 00:30:03.119
It's like the organizing principle of everything.
00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:03.759
It's good.
00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:04.960
That's why it works.
00:30:05.200 --> 00:30:11.200
Evil couldn't organize, it's destructive, and so but it's loud, it's in your face, it takes over.
00:30:11.440 --> 00:30:18.799
Uh, and ultimately, I think when we all say, Well, look, good will triumph over evil, it's like, yeah, because it's just gonna keep being here.
00:30:18.960 --> 00:30:26.799
Like we as individuals may not, but the things that organize it all are, and like, why is evil allowed to persist?
00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:28.160
Why doesn't good strike it down?
00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:29.440
It's like, but that's not good's job.
00:30:29.519 --> 00:30:33.759
It's in the same way as like your soul's job isn't to step up and say, Don't do this.
00:30:33.920 --> 00:30:40.160
It's just there, recording, taking note, just like experiencing life, what it's meant to be here for.
00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:46.240
Whereas, you know, your brain will take over, your biology will take over, influence will take over, and say, do all this.
00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:56.799
And that's what I think you know, in trying to define what evil forces are, it's all that stuff that takes you away from what ultimately, in my view, is the point of all of this, which is to experience it.
00:30:57.039 --> 00:31:09.839
Because I was having a hard time that last episode trying to like nail down what's evil, and and uh what I what I was when I was thinking about that, uh, I started talking about like the difference between punching up and punching down.
00:31:09.920 --> 00:31:13.279
Where it's like I I view like punching up at Joel Olstein, that's punching up.
00:31:13.359 --> 00:31:17.039
This guy is like he's at this super elevated, powerful position, and he sucks.
00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:20.240
So I get to go look at that guy, fuck him.
00:31:20.559 --> 00:31:30.160
But you don't do that to people who are like beneath your station or whatever, or you know, when the power dynamic is in your favor, what you should do is look down and go, I'm gonna help you up if I see that you need it.
00:31:30.319 --> 00:31:34.160
Uh that also takes judgment and blah blah blah, don't be a judgmental person, all that shit.
00:31:34.240 --> 00:31:48.799
But I think we can all agree that in life you can recognize when somebody like the power dynamics are such that like for me to to pick on this thing or poke down at it is like not good.
00:31:49.839 --> 00:31:56.319
Anyway, uh circling this all back around, hopefully, I think I've kind of lost it now.
00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:59.039
But you know, uh punching up a Joel Olstein.
00:31:59.119 --> 00:32:05.279
So when I'm talking about all this evil shit, I felt like that mom in The Water Boy.
00:32:05.599 --> 00:32:12.319
Because I kept saying, like, you know, the screens lie to you, and then everything's the devil, and everything's like all these evil forces.
00:32:12.400 --> 00:32:13.519
It's like, well, what the fuck is that?
00:32:13.599 --> 00:32:20.799
Because I was starting to feel like her when she's like, Yeah, football's the devil, and screens are the devil, and going to school is the devil.
00:32:20.960 --> 00:32:24.160
And it's like, yeah, I was like, ah shit, I I feel like this lady.
00:32:24.319 --> 00:32:34.079
But interestingly, in that movie, I felt like the the movie was punching down on her because you know, she's kind of the simple lady who just wants to protect her son and they made her into the enemy.
00:32:34.400 --> 00:32:38.079
And it's just like she's just like, I don't know, I want to protect my guy.
00:32:38.160 --> 00:32:45.680
Yeah, I'm short-sighted and and like I'm maybe a little misguided, but overall, her intentions were good.
00:32:46.000 --> 00:32:48.079
You can kind of work with her, and by the end she came around.
00:32:48.160 --> 00:32:54.640
But it was it was just interesting to see that the punching down at the idea of trying to protect her son.
00:32:54.799 --> 00:33:00.720
Again, I'm I'm like explaining comedy, and that's not you can't rationalize comedy, and you sound like a fucking dick.
00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:09.359
But uh, in this case, it would just I just felt that way, and I was like, why do I feel like that's you're in a position of vulnerability when you're just trying to like protect people?
00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:17.440
And that's where you know evil is allowed to persist because you you have to be vulnerable yourself to help others.
00:33:17.680 --> 00:33:25.839
If you're in like a defensive position or a position of power trying to get into a place of vulnerability for somebody else, it's just not gonna work.
00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:41.440
But that's why evil recognizes that and then can crush that quieter sort of existence of being like a helpful thing, or where you get closer to the organizing principles of it all, because they don't speak out, they just are.
00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:48.240
And the louder it gets to me is like the more I'm gonna call it evil, but you know what I mean?
00:33:48.400 --> 00:33:55.440
It's just like the more distracting and the louder it is, the farther away it is from the natural order of stuff.
00:33:55.920 --> 00:34:05.599
And if you want to use the language of more of a religious side, it's like, yeah, the farther away you are from God, the closer you are to the devil or to evil.
00:34:05.920 --> 00:34:12.800
You know, like I I always say just like use the language that works for you because for some people, just like God and the idea of that doesn't work.
00:34:12.880 --> 00:34:16.800
And then for other people, you know, science doesn't work, it's only religion and God.
00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:18.800
I'm kind of in the middle of all of it.
00:34:18.880 --> 00:34:21.199
I think they can all inform each other.
00:34:21.519 --> 00:34:25.039
And it's kind of nice when you can go, I'm not getting there with this.
00:34:25.199 --> 00:34:30.880
What if I just, you know, this being like a religion will say, what if I just looked in a different place?
00:34:30.960 --> 00:34:33.840
And maybe they're describing it in a way that'll land for me.
00:34:34.079 --> 00:34:36.239
Like, don't close off all possibilities.
00:34:36.400 --> 00:34:47.280
I know that kind of goes against the whole limiting thing I was just talking about, but hopefully you have enough of a nuanced understanding of life to be like, I'm not telling you to just be black and white.
00:34:47.599 --> 00:34:48.400
Anyway.
00:34:48.960 --> 00:34:53.440
Um, but yeah, so it was like saying everything's the devil and evil and all that shit.
00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:56.000
I was just thinking about that and punching up and punching down.
00:34:56.159 --> 00:35:09.119
And then this idea, too, of like turn the other cheek popped into my head of our misunderstanding of what that means, or at least the way it's like preached in certain religious circles of like you should just keep passively taking abuse.
00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:14.239
And I think that was like turn the other cheek, just like let them keep beating the shit out of you.
00:35:14.480 --> 00:35:16.480
It's like that's not the point.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:24.719
Now, I'll explain it historically what it means, but also kind of how to work that into the situations that we're facing now.
00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:29.519
And I only I understand I'm saying this from my position, so I don't know what yours is.
00:35:29.760 --> 00:35:33.039
And what I want to inject into the world because I'm feeling it.
00:35:33.119 --> 00:35:36.960
I I'll let you know from where I sit, I'm feeling all of this shit too.
00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:42.079
Uh, and I'm recognizing that the message that we're getting is fear everywhere.
00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:44.079
It's just fear, everything.
00:35:44.239 --> 00:35:46.800
It's all collapsing, it's all fucked.
00:35:47.039 --> 00:35:49.039
There's no hope for the future.
00:35:49.199 --> 00:35:53.760
And it's just like, yeah, don't go out and look for their message.
00:35:53.840 --> 00:35:57.199
It's from this point on, it's only gonna get more bleak.
00:35:57.360 --> 00:35:58.480
It's only gonna get worse.
00:35:58.559 --> 00:36:10.000
The only way to make it get better for us is to go inward, to reconnect with ourselves and like go local, the people around you, the you know, the ones who care about you.
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:13.840
And if you think nobody cares about you, I fucking care about you.
00:36:14.079 --> 00:36:19.199
There are people who care, and there's a lot of us, and we're all trying really, really hard.
00:36:19.440 --> 00:36:21.440
It's just that's not the message you're gonna get out there.
00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:23.920
It's like, yeah, just fucking give up.
00:36:24.239 --> 00:36:27.599
And you know, I'm not I certain days I feel like that.
00:36:27.679 --> 00:36:29.840
I'm stumbling all over myself here.
00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:36.719
Yes, I feel like fucking giving up all the time, but I know that's not the way to like we just can't.
00:36:36.880 --> 00:36:52.159
And and it's the more I invest in like paying attention to that, whatever the message is out there, of like it's all too big for us, it's all overwhelming, there's no hope for you or the future, the more I will feel like, oh, I should just give up.
00:36:52.239 --> 00:36:57.360
And then the more I do this work and turn internally, the more like, oh, I'm still in there.
00:36:57.519 --> 00:37:02.559
And wherever you're at, this is me believing in you, and this isn't like a joke.
00:37:02.719 --> 00:37:10.400
I fucking I do because even if you're a complete disaster, and I've been there, trust me, I've been there.
00:37:11.360 --> 00:37:18.000
There's still you in there, and and if you're talking to yourself, you're in there, and you have a chance.
00:37:18.079 --> 00:37:22.880
You gotta just like give yourself a little bit of love and grace and just go, oh, here I am.
00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:26.719
I'm in there, even if I'm yelling at myself right now, I'm I'm the one doing it.
00:37:26.800 --> 00:37:28.559
You're you know, you're still in there.
00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:38.639
So uh as I turn that all around and such, uh, and I start seeing that going inward is is the way through this, and to take on, I hate being this guy.
00:37:39.519 --> 00:37:42.079
This is kind of the basis of my show.
00:37:42.320 --> 00:37:55.039
Um, and just to call back one thing, I was listening back not long ago to I think it was a confidence episode where I said, you know, I feel this need to always explain myself and nobody gives a fuck.
00:37:55.119 --> 00:37:59.679
And I was like, Carp, that's like the whole point of your show.
00:37:59.920 --> 00:38:01.119
What are you talking about?
00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:20.800
It's like uh I guess there's different circumstances where I mean that to be true or something, or it's like I don't have to explain myself all the time, but when it comes to this, I feel the need to explain myself so that people who aren't like attaching to the message that's out there go, oh, there's somebody else who's kind of doing it like the same way or something.
00:38:20.880 --> 00:38:25.440
Like it, I think I feel like opening up my internal schematics just allows somebody to go, okay.
00:38:25.679 --> 00:38:35.760
There's like little bits and pieces I can sort of pick up on because pretty much everywhere else I've gone to look for a some kind of like coherent how do I do this?
00:38:36.559 --> 00:38:41.039
It always goes, and you can subscribe for fucking you know 1999.
00:38:41.119 --> 00:38:42.559
And so I was like, oh god, damn.
00:38:42.719 --> 00:38:44.719
It was all just a sales pitch, wasn't it?
00:38:44.960 --> 00:38:50.239
And so um, you know, in being the change I wanted to see in the world, because I wasn't finding it anywhere.
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:52.000
I just said, well, why don't I just do that?
00:38:52.159 --> 00:38:53.840
Just show how I'm getting there.
00:38:54.079 --> 00:38:56.960
And if somebody can like get something out of that, cool.
00:38:57.280 --> 00:39:02.880
Anyway, that's that was I'm all over the place today.
00:39:02.960 --> 00:39:04.079
Look at me go.
00:39:05.679 --> 00:39:22.000
All right, so saying everything's evil, which is really just meaning like off base of the natural order of things, and uh punching up versus punching down and turning the other cheek, and in this environment where everything's getting more expensive, I thought what was uh something I was working on too.
00:39:22.079 --> 00:39:26.320
Okay, we're just gonna keep going on these random offshoots, and then I'm gonna bring it back together at some point.
00:39:26.400 --> 00:39:29.840
So stick with me, and we'll see where we go from here.
00:39:30.639 --> 00:39:34.159
But another thing, and this was a really interesting way.
00:39:34.239 --> 00:39:36.559
I doubled dovetailed or I found a way.
00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:41.679
I'm not coming up with this, it's just examples of how this all sort of mirrors each other, which is nice.
00:39:41.760 --> 00:39:47.840
This is why the disparate disciplines work because they show you different, they show you the same thing in different lights.
00:39:48.159 --> 00:39:54.719
Is um I was talking about this fear that we face now, how everything is this pumped out fear.
00:39:54.960 --> 00:39:58.480
And if you're paying attention to it, the only message you're gonna get is fear.
00:39:58.800 --> 00:40:06.000
And the fear that we have, a lot of it is circled around, like especially with everything getting more expensive and going to war.
00:40:06.079 --> 00:40:11.280
I mean, war is the ultimate fear, but let's just say in like a day-to-day thing is like everything's getting more expensive.
00:40:11.519 --> 00:40:18.400
And right now, our main currency for security, connection, life is money.
00:40:18.639 --> 00:40:26.159
But if you think back to like more ancient times, um, the biggest thing wasn't taking people's money, it was exiling them.
00:40:26.400 --> 00:40:38.079
Because as their communities were the place of security and support and like how you got things done, to like excommunicate or exile somebody meant to take away every resource they had.
00:40:38.320 --> 00:40:43.280
Whereas, you know, nowadays we see most people wanting to exile themselves.
00:40:43.360 --> 00:40:48.079
And I've been a part of this party, and in some ways I still kind of am, where it's like, I don't see anything out there for me.
00:40:48.239 --> 00:40:56.239
I I would prefer to just be alone, you know, or like not participate in this anymore because I don't see anything out there for me.
00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:57.440
There's no future there.
00:40:57.679 --> 00:40:59.920
So I'm at uh self-exiling.
00:41:00.079 --> 00:41:08.880
That is the goal, which is fucking crazy now, but that's where the like the position that we've all sort of been put in is the best option is self-exile.
00:41:10.000 --> 00:41:16.639
And you know, but that's because our currency isn't connection anymore.
00:41:16.800 --> 00:41:22.159
Our currency is money, our ability to like buy goods and services and like protect ourselves that way.
00:41:22.320 --> 00:41:27.440
And it's not through the people around us, but the the threat to us now isn't exile.
00:41:27.519 --> 00:41:31.519
The threat is I'm gonna take all your money, I'm gonna take your job, I'm gonna cancel you.
00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:38.000
Or in this more gradual way, is we're just gonna price you out of your ability to live.
00:41:38.239 --> 00:41:46.559
And then we'll come in with the options that you're allowed to choose from, you know, and there's a like a new thing I saw.
00:41:48.159 --> 00:41:49.760
Sorry, I'm gonna go into it.
00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:51.360
Shit.
00:41:52.079 --> 00:41:57.440
I've been trying not to like bring this shit into the podcast, but we'll we'll do it for just a minute.
00:41:57.599 --> 00:42:09.360
Um, where's some there's something that the government was working on to say, like, all these younger people who have all this debt, if they sign up for you know, the military will absolve their debt.
00:42:09.679 --> 00:42:12.400
And it's just like, okay, that's how they're gonna do it.
00:42:12.639 --> 00:42:25.360
Well, you know, they're the the manipulation is through money, and that's how we're gonna get you to go die for us, is to say, you know, well, not that you even have money to take, but the the negative money you have will just get rid of it.
00:42:26.079 --> 00:42:35.599
So the indentured servitude that you have towards your debt will now be towards dying for whatever the fuck reason we're doing anything anymore, which I don't know.
00:42:35.679 --> 00:42:39.119
I'm sure there's a much more detailed answer that I don't care about.
00:42:39.679 --> 00:42:43.599
But that's what I'm seeing coming, and this is the way that money's being used in that realm.
00:42:43.679 --> 00:42:46.960
So for the younger people that don't have money, we're gonna take away the money that you owe.
00:42:47.039 --> 00:42:49.920
And for the older people that have money, we're gonna slowly chip away at it.
00:42:50.000 --> 00:42:54.079
And then we're just gonna leave you with a couple of options of what you can do according to what we allow.
00:42:54.320 --> 00:42:57.360
And so that is what exile is now.
00:42:57.519 --> 00:43:05.599
This is how they're implementing exile in the modern world is we're going to take away all of your resources that you have access to through money.
00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:16.639
And um the way that this works, uh now I'm gonna use that example and like the dread you feel of just bringing that up, or like in your own life if you're feeling that.
00:43:16.800 --> 00:43:22.480
That is what addicts feel when you say, I'm gonna take away your drug.
00:43:23.360 --> 00:43:28.000
And if you're an addict out there listening to this, this will probably ring true to you as it did to me.
00:43:28.079 --> 00:43:37.360
And there's a again, a biological, a psychological, and a spiritual aspect to this, but for this case, we're just gonna focus on the biological because it's simple.
00:43:38.079 --> 00:43:47.199
Um, in your midbrain, the limbic system, when we talked about the lizard people, your lizard brain, just kind of like the the most unevolved ancient part of our brain.
00:43:47.440 --> 00:43:52.719
It's like the fight, flight, fuck, eat, security part of our brain.
00:43:53.119 --> 00:43:58.639
Um that is what is affected the most by it's like survival.
00:43:58.719 --> 00:43:59.599
That's what's affected by drugs.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:06.639
Drugs hijack that portion of the brain, and on the hierarchical list of what you need to do on a daily basis in a reactionary way, these are things you don't think about.
00:44:06.719 --> 00:44:08.079
It's just like your body reacts.
00:44:08.239 --> 00:44:10.639
You're hot, you sweat, you're hungry, you eat.
00:44:10.880 --> 00:44:18.880
Um, if you're in a you know a position where you need to flee or fight, like it you just kind of go into that automatically.
00:44:19.599 --> 00:44:25.360
Well, what addiction does is it takes that that part of the middle brain and says, This drug is more important than all of those.
00:44:25.519 --> 00:44:31.519
This is the on the highest order of things in this hierarchical list of survival.
00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:32.880
Drugs first.
00:44:33.599 --> 00:44:48.719
And it happens as a result of all those other mechanisms and the way your brain then adapts, but essentially it acts on the midbrain this way, so that before you even have a chance to think about what you're doing, you're already responding in that direction.
00:44:48.880 --> 00:44:54.639
In the same way you don't think about when you're hungry, you just are, or you don't think about sweating when you're hot, you just do.
00:44:55.119 --> 00:44:59.440
And in this case, you don't think about doing the drug, it's just you need it.
00:44:59.679 --> 00:45:01.440
If you don't have it, you need it.
00:45:01.679 --> 00:45:12.880
And so to the degree that people die because they don't eat anymore, they don't protect themselves, they don't do anything for their own survival, the drug is the survival.
00:45:13.360 --> 00:45:37.760
And that is in sobriety, the dread that, or that is in in uh active addiction, the dread someone might feel in the same way that like the threat of exile or the threat of taking all your money or your access to like a job or resources, the same sense of dread comes in to an addict when you threaten to take away their drug.
00:45:38.559 --> 00:45:54.400
And all of this stuff is where like I like using addiction as the inroads to the problems that we all face because we can sort of see the way that this all happens, especially from a biological standpoint, because it's all acting on the same stuff we can point at and go, see, it's happening there.
00:45:54.559 --> 00:46:02.639
Um, now when it comes to thought or spirit, like that's a little different for all of us, and that's a little bit harder to say like we all have this universal experience.
00:46:02.719 --> 00:46:06.559
But when it comes to biology, we're all universally experiencing the same thing.
00:46:06.719 --> 00:46:10.000
And so that's where I find it a little bit easier to explain this stuff.
00:46:10.320 --> 00:46:23.519
But that's why, whether it be addiction, this existential dread, or the fear of like the oncoming you know, apocalypse or whatever, uh, this is where we we're kind of all facing the same shit.
00:46:23.920 --> 00:46:26.480
And we need to conquer this fear somehow.
00:46:26.800 --> 00:46:46.480
We need to at least embrace our own internal world and get that in order, get it aligned so that you know for me that it's made it easier to deal with all this external bullshit because uh, you know, like I've done like all this work in sobriety, and it's like, oh, we're kind of working on the same stuff.
00:46:46.639 --> 00:46:49.119
It's just instead of the drugs, it's the fear.
00:46:49.440 --> 00:46:55.199
And it's like the same fear, but it's with the external world as opposed to the substance.
00:46:55.360 --> 00:47:03.840
But either way, it was like this was never more evident to me than it was when I was in rehab because you know, like I loved rehab, weirdly.
00:47:04.079 --> 00:47:07.360
Once I was in it, until I got there, I was all ashamed and everything, and the fear was there.
00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:08.639
It's like, what are people gonna think of me?
00:47:08.719 --> 00:47:10.800
It's like, who gives a fuck what anybody thinks of you?
00:47:10.960 --> 00:47:13.440
You know, they think lessie, just prove them wrong, whatever.
00:47:13.519 --> 00:47:15.280
Like, get sober and go on living your life.
00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:16.320
Fuck them anyway.
00:47:16.639 --> 00:47:27.519
But I I ended up loving rehab because it's this very insulated world where it's just like I have nothing to focus on but me and my well-being and like how to get back.
00:47:27.840 --> 00:47:30.320
And all of the outside noise just stops.
00:47:30.400 --> 00:47:33.280
And it was like, you know, you're always afraid.
00:47:33.440 --> 00:47:35.760
Somebody's gonna be like, What you went to rehab, you fucking loser.
00:47:35.840 --> 00:47:38.000
And it's like, dude, I would go back to rehab now.
00:47:38.159 --> 00:47:39.199
I would go back like it.
00:47:39.280 --> 00:47:47.679
I think the best thing for everybody is if you had to go to rehab like once a year and just spend a month, just like shut it all off and focus on yourself.
00:47:48.159 --> 00:47:54.480
It might be because you know, work and a family and all that, it gets very uh not oppressive, but just overwhelming after a while.
00:47:54.559 --> 00:48:02.079
You're like, oh, it'd be just nice to be locked up somewhere where somebody's cooking my meals and I don't have to think about anything else except for me.
00:48:02.320 --> 00:48:10.960
But that was where, like, you know, maybe don't go to rehab if you don't have to, but I liked it so much I just kept going back.
00:48:11.760 --> 00:48:12.320
Shit.
00:48:12.960 --> 00:48:18.400
Ah, well, you know, uh, some people take us a little bit longer to get it.
00:48:19.360 --> 00:48:19.920
Shit.
00:48:20.480 --> 00:48:21.679
Yeah, I went back a lot.
00:48:21.840 --> 00:48:32.880
So um, but it wasn't because I enjoyed it, I just now can see the benefit of what it provided, and in a certain way, it provided this insulation from everything else, so I could really get down to it.
00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:34.880
Again, it's like simplifying, limiting.
00:48:34.960 --> 00:48:40.719
Uh, when the only focus is on like how do I get myself back in order, it became much easier, you know.
00:48:40.800 --> 00:49:01.360
And obviously, the problem with rehab is it only gets you sober, it doesn't keep you sober, and that's what I attempted like to build out for myself because like still going to meetings and all that stuff was fine, but it didn't give me something like daily or as a I don't know, it just wasn't giving me what I needed, and so this is what I built.
00:49:01.599 --> 00:49:04.960
Um, this like process that I'm working through.
00:49:05.199 --> 00:49:11.840
And that's keeping me sober, but it's also keeping me sane in the midst of this insane world that we're all experiencing together.
00:49:12.079 --> 00:49:18.960
And uh going back to being like, I don't want to be this guy to provide hope, is like, what better time I'm gonna do it?
00:49:19.199 --> 00:49:22.719
Like, what better time to practice than right now the world is falling apart?
00:49:22.880 --> 00:49:24.639
You really want to put yourself to the test.
00:49:24.800 --> 00:49:30.480
See if you can remain calm and serene in the face of the mounting pressures of everywhere.
00:49:30.559 --> 00:49:37.199
But the interesting part is if you just turn it all off and focus on yourself, you're like, hey, I'm I'm fine, I'm here.
00:49:37.440 --> 00:49:40.079
I mean, I got bills to pay, I got people to take care of.
00:49:40.159 --> 00:49:46.639
But overall, like all that other shit out there, uh it's affecting me, but not like they tell me it is.
00:49:46.800 --> 00:49:52.480
You know, it affects me differently when I pay attention to it than when I just sort of deal with it as I live in it.
00:49:52.960 --> 00:49:58.719
So, unless you know you're getting drafted or something, but uh fuck, I hope that doesn't happen.
00:49:59.280 --> 00:50:22.960
Anyway, uh sorry, I just totally uh it's hard not to feel or think that way when you're just like, oh, uh sometimes I stare out from behind this veil of self-imposed ignorance that I put over me, and I go, Oh shit, it's all still there, and it's worse.
00:50:24.559 --> 00:50:26.559
Uh but you know, that's the thing.
00:50:26.639 --> 00:50:27.360
We're all doing it.
00:50:27.440 --> 00:50:30.000
I mean, we're all looking out there going, You gotta be fucking kidding me.
00:50:30.159 --> 00:50:31.519
More, more of this shit.
00:50:32.719 --> 00:50:39.280
I I can't I I can't help but laugh because I just go, the more and more I deal with not like the fear of it all.
00:50:39.760 --> 00:50:42.639
It's all it is, is it's just more fear.
00:50:42.880 --> 00:50:45.039
Fear to take you away from you.
00:50:45.679 --> 00:50:48.639
Um I just go, I know, I know where I gotta get.
00:50:48.719 --> 00:51:01.599
I gotta I gotta turn that you know, turn the lens back around and start focusing inward and keeping this part stable and serene, and then whatever comes up, I'll just deal with it.
00:51:02.639 --> 00:51:08.400
Um and in terms of turning the other cheek, though, actually, I'm just gonna finish that thought.
00:51:08.480 --> 00:51:10.320
I don't even know how it fits into all of this.
00:51:10.480 --> 00:51:16.880
I really don't even know what this episode is, but uh definitely not a TED talk.
00:51:19.360 --> 00:51:22.559
All right, stop laughing at yourself, fuck boy.
00:51:22.960 --> 00:51:28.639
Um the uh turning the other cheek from a historical perspective.
00:51:28.880 --> 00:51:31.519
Wow, we really pulled that one in from left field.
00:51:31.760 --> 00:51:40.159
So, like this exaggerated passivity is is like not the intended meaning of that phrase that you know we often hear, hey, somebody hits you.
00:51:40.559 --> 00:51:44.559
You you turn the other cheek and let them hit you again.
00:51:44.880 --> 00:51:46.880
It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:51:46.960 --> 00:51:51.760
Let's let's at least for the you know the six people who listen to this, let's get this correct.
00:51:51.840 --> 00:51:56.159
So when you know when you use it in the future, you understand what's going on.
00:51:56.639 --> 00:52:06.159
Um the idea, at least in a whole historical context, and then and like what where this came about was like Roman soldiers hitting their like lesser subjects.
00:52:06.480 --> 00:52:12.159
And if you were to strike somebody with your right hand on their right cheek, that meant you were hitting them with a backhand.
00:52:12.719 --> 00:52:15.440
And that means they're hitting you as a subordinate.
00:52:16.159 --> 00:52:22.960
And so if you were to turn your left cheek to them, that meant you're gonna hit me with a fist.
00:52:23.119 --> 00:52:25.199
You're gonna hit me as if I'm an equal.
00:52:25.360 --> 00:52:35.599
And in modern day, we call that like malicious compliance, which like I think on Reddit or something, they have like a subreddit called malicious compliance, which I love reading because you're just like, oh yeah, use their rules against them.
00:52:35.920 --> 00:52:45.920
Um but in this case, this would be like a form of ancient malicious compliance, where it's like, all right, hit me, motherfucker, but don't hit me like I'm some little bitch.
00:52:51.599 --> 00:52:56.480
Uh, but it's it's like hit me like an equal, motherfucker.
00:52:56.880 --> 00:53:00.079
Um But that's that's what would happen.
00:53:00.159 --> 00:53:09.840
So, you know, like somebody backhands you, you're you're like a slave class to this person, whoever it is, a soldier or you know, some privileged asshole who just got born in the right place.
00:53:10.239 --> 00:53:18.880
Uh so you turn your other cheek, and like that to hit me the other way means that you're recognizing that I'm an equal.
00:53:18.960 --> 00:53:25.840
So you can hit me again, but now I'm putting you in a position where you have to take ownership over what you're doing and say, all right, you are an equal and I want to hit you again.
00:53:25.920 --> 00:53:30.000
Or they just, you know, probably beat the shit out of you and kill you, but at least you can stand up for yourself in some way.
00:53:30.079 --> 00:53:38.480
And then I'm just using this now because when like as I sit here in the oppressive forces of everything coming in the fear of the world, and it's just like, but dude, fuck that.
00:53:38.559 --> 00:53:42.320
I'm gonna take agency over myself and stand in the middle of it and go, fuck all you.
00:53:42.400 --> 00:53:43.440
I'm not gonna cower.
00:53:43.599 --> 00:53:49.519
I'm not gonna just let all of this constant flooding of the zone of negativity destroy me.
00:53:49.599 --> 00:53:51.920
I'm gonna turn the other cheek and say, all right, you want to do it.
00:53:52.000 --> 00:53:53.599
It's not gonna be through fear.
00:53:54.320 --> 00:53:56.960
Like, you you think you can crush my spirit.
00:53:57.039 --> 00:53:58.320
You have nothing to take.
00:53:58.559 --> 00:53:59.280
I got it.
00:53:59.440 --> 00:54:00.559
You don't got it.
00:54:00.800 --> 00:54:08.079
And so this is like my soul's form of turning the other cheek when I'm faced with this fear, this constant fear.
00:54:08.239 --> 00:54:11.840
And even if it's self-imposed, I gotta like work on that too.
00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:14.159
Of like, I'm afraid to lose stuff.
00:54:14.480 --> 00:54:19.039
Because it doesn't have to be an external source telling me this, that like it's all getting worse.
00:54:19.199 --> 00:54:21.840
I can do it inside and do their job for them.
00:54:22.079 --> 00:54:47.280
And that's where you know, if it if it isn't abundantly clear at this point that the inner work that needs to be done is like the immediacy of it, is that we need to do it because if we're like doing their job for them, and I say we because I did this forever, and now that I'm sort of out of that, I realize that they the prop they didn't need the propaganda for me anymore because I took the ball and ran with it.
00:54:47.360 --> 00:54:50.880
I was just like, yeah, I'll I'll destroy myself for you guys.
00:54:51.039 --> 00:54:53.920
You don't gotta worry about propagandizing me.
00:54:54.400 --> 00:54:58.800
I I've I'm already well on the path of destroying myself.
00:54:59.119 --> 00:55:08.639
And so, you know, that it also rings true that like they wouldn't need to keep striking fear into the hearts of everybody if they would already, you know, won.
00:55:08.800 --> 00:55:09.840
They wouldn't have to do it.
00:55:09.920 --> 00:55:18.559
Like, and maybe that's where we're at, is that they're like really pushing it over the end line here, um, or like speeding up the process for whatever reason.
00:55:18.719 --> 00:55:19.360
I have no idea.
00:55:19.519 --> 00:55:21.280
Nobody does, I don't even think they do.
00:55:21.679 --> 00:55:35.360
But ultimately at the end of it all, um, they all like hearkening back to the last episode, not in a not in a flippant way, not in a lighthearted way, but in just like a real way, you know, we will all die, whether now or later.
00:55:35.519 --> 00:55:37.440
Um, and there was this really interesting.
00:55:37.920 --> 00:55:45.119
I was back to Aurelius this morning, actually, where he was talking about, you know, what happens if you live the next 10,000 years or the next 40?
00:55:45.199 --> 00:55:47.519
Is it really gonna make a big difference in your perception of things?
00:55:47.599 --> 00:55:51.599
And it's like, I don't need all that time if I can just flip it, you know, in the time I have now.
00:55:51.679 --> 00:56:04.880
I'm I'm only ever gonna be in the present if I'm in the present for 40 more years, or if I'm in the present for 10,000 more years, or if I'm in the present for two more days, you know, as long as I get there, does the linear timeline matter that much?
00:56:05.119 --> 00:56:13.840
And this is a something, this will be the last thing I think I talk about today, because it's been all over the place, but um the whatever this conversation has has led me to here.
00:56:14.000 --> 00:56:19.199
And something that really helps me as a result of facing my mortality and thinking I was gonna be dead already.
00:56:19.440 --> 00:56:23.920
And like, can I turn into an exercise what I've actually experienced?
00:56:24.079 --> 00:56:30.480
And it's hard to do, but I'll try to describe it and maybe you can like work it out and do some sort of like thought experiment with it.
00:56:30.719 --> 00:56:32.239
But it's basically this.
00:56:33.199 --> 00:56:38.159
Um, when I was told I was gonna die, like the cancer I had was Hodgkin's lymphoma.
00:56:38.239 --> 00:56:39.519
So it was like it's very treatable.
00:56:39.599 --> 00:56:44.639
You know, if it was 30 years earlier, I would have been dead, but thank God, you know, medical advancements and all that.
00:56:44.800 --> 00:56:50.880
And so, but it had progressed very quickly, and if I had waited any longer, you know, the prognosis wasn't gonna be great.
00:56:51.119 --> 00:56:54.480
So, um, and it doesn't matter if they tell you that in the moment.
00:56:54.559 --> 00:56:56.800
Like for me, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die.
00:56:58.000 --> 00:57:04.400
But I it allowed me to then once I did get through the cancer, to go, well, what if it did take me then?
00:57:04.559 --> 00:57:08.079
Let's just pretend like I'm I'm just dead now, right?
00:57:08.159 --> 00:57:10.320
Like that was the entirety of my life.
00:57:10.400 --> 00:57:11.199
How would I feel about it?
00:57:11.280 --> 00:57:15.039
And it was pretty good, but there's always like I could do more, I could do more.
00:57:15.199 --> 00:57:20.079
Um, but it allowed me to at least get into the mindset of like, all right, the finality of life.
00:57:20.239 --> 00:57:22.320
Uh, here's the snippet I had.
00:57:22.559 --> 00:57:23.519
How was it?
00:57:23.760 --> 00:57:26.079
And then now I'm living in this new one.
00:57:26.639 --> 00:57:28.400
And then it happened again.
00:57:28.639 --> 00:57:34.000
So I had to like go through that process again, and the second time was not as hopeful.
00:57:34.639 --> 00:57:48.000
And on top of it, the the treatments that I had to get, they were like, by the time I'm 40 now, but they were like, by the time you're 45, because all the radiation and the higher, higher levels of chemo and everything I had to get, they're like, You're gonna start, you know, where it was, it was the tumors were surrounding my heart.
00:57:48.079 --> 00:57:54.079
So they had to irradiate all that stuff, my heart, uh, esophagus, lungs, all of that shit in that area.
00:57:54.159 --> 00:57:58.880
And they're like, all of that stuff's by the time you're 45, you'll probably start dealing with heart failure, your thyroid's gonna go bad.
00:57:58.960 --> 00:57:59.599
Well, blah blah blah.
00:58:00.159 --> 00:58:02.000
You know, lots of good news.
00:58:02.079 --> 00:58:04.159
Hey, you're gonna survive, but it's gonna suck.
00:58:04.480 --> 00:58:18.159
Um, so I had to deal with all of that, and uh, like that sort of put like this weird ticking time bomb inside of me, on top of dealing with the existential dread that already existed, on top of like, all right, now I'm in like bonus time, what do I do with it?
00:58:18.480 --> 00:58:23.840
But from from all those various vantage points, I got to it sort of assess life from each one.
00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:30.000
Like, okay, now there really is like a concrete, you sort of have a timeline of when your body's gonna start failing.
00:58:30.239 --> 00:58:33.280
You also have this concrete thing of like it could have ended right then.
00:58:33.440 --> 00:58:36.000
So, what do you think of your life as you look back on it?
00:58:36.159 --> 00:58:49.199
You know, almost like I'm still living here, but I get to do like this purgatory thing, and then uh using those two, then inform just kind of the general thing we all feel of just like I don't know when it's gonna happen.
00:58:49.360 --> 00:58:51.039
Uh, I'm just here existing.
00:58:51.119 --> 00:58:51.920
What do I do with it?
00:58:52.079 --> 00:59:04.079
And sort of like work all those things around to get to this sort of like understanding of how to view life and how to take advantage of the moment.
00:59:04.320 --> 00:59:36.480
And that does the linear time really matter, and I've used that as an explanation too, of like, you know, this boomer class of boomer generation of people is that they had everything given to they've lived these very pleasurable lives, but as they approach the end of it, um, and they have to start making these concessions that they're not used to and compromising the consequences of everything they did uh that they didn't adapt to through life is like coming up, you know, catching up with them, and now like they're facing their own mortality, which I think a lot of them didn't realize they were gonna die someday or didn't land.
00:59:36.639 --> 00:59:37.440
I don't know.
00:59:37.519 --> 00:59:40.880
Uh, but you see the dread in these people, and it's kind of fucked up.
00:59:41.760 --> 00:59:44.239
Man, I'm gonna take it out on boomers again.
00:59:44.400 --> 00:59:46.239
But sorry.
00:59:46.559 --> 00:59:55.599
Um, that like these people that wanted to live forever or acted like they were going to, but then also not give a shit about the generations behind them.
00:59:55.679 --> 00:59:58.079
It's like, how do you how are you gonna make that work?
00:59:58.320 --> 01:00:08.800
Because if you don't care about what's coming after you, but you want to live forever, don't you think you're gonna eventually like those two roads are gonna converge and you're gonna have to deal with it?
01:00:08.880 --> 01:00:11.920
And unfortunately for them, that's like I can see it in some people.
01:00:12.000 --> 01:00:17.760
It's like they're having to deal with their mortality and the fact that the like the world they left behind is dog shit.
01:00:19.039 --> 01:00:34.400
And yeah, but that but to use that as an example of how much it matters, not on the linear timeline of the the um totality of our lives, but on the state that you're in whenever it does happen, whether you die or just realize that like being alive is pretty good.
01:00:34.639 --> 01:00:44.159
That if you know, whenever it comes time for me to die, I would hope that when I do, I'm not in this like terrorized, fearful state.
01:00:44.320 --> 01:00:49.280
Because no matter how good my life was up to that point, it won't matter because I'm going out in the present moment.
01:00:49.440 --> 01:00:58.880
And whether or not, you know, you believe it, I've seen I've held people in my arms as they've died, and I held my um my mother in my her my shit.
01:00:59.760 --> 01:01:04.159
I can't think when I think when I think back to this, it's like emotionally heavy.
01:01:04.239 --> 01:01:06.960
But I held my mom in my arms when she died.
01:01:07.119 --> 01:01:09.519
Um, you know, I I saw it happen with my dad.
01:01:09.599 --> 01:01:12.800
I I I've done it as a nurse in the hospital.
01:01:12.880 --> 01:01:18.719
I've been around death quite a bit, and you and I don't know if this is news to anybody, but you die alone.
01:01:18.880 --> 01:01:20.639
You know, it's like nobody else is dying with you.
01:01:20.719 --> 01:01:26.800
And even if they are next to you holding your hand like in the fucking notebook, they're not like with you.
01:01:27.199 --> 01:01:29.119
You're going out on your own.
01:01:29.360 --> 01:01:34.800
And um it's I I don't mean that in like a like you die alone.
01:01:36.000 --> 01:01:39.280
It's not what I mean, but it's just like the reality of it.
01:01:39.360 --> 01:01:42.000
It's just you, you're going, and it's your turn.
01:01:42.239 --> 01:01:53.599
And um so like unless you can comfort yourself or are comfortable in that moment of like the transition, whatever that is, it's gonna be really difficult.
01:01:53.679 --> 01:02:02.079
And especially if you've like used a bunch of external shit to make your life feel more complete or whatever the case may be, um, they're not going with you.
01:02:02.159 --> 01:02:02.719
We all know that.
01:02:02.880 --> 01:02:06.800
Like you can't take it with you, but it's also not gonna be there when you're on the path either.
01:02:06.960 --> 01:02:14.639
And so having like witnessed all this stuff and experienced it a little bit myself, it it you know what it ended up doing.
01:02:14.719 --> 01:02:22.320
So, all of this basically, like, whether or not any of this shit I've just said attaches to like your life, or you're like, what the fuck is he talking about?
01:02:22.960 --> 01:02:29.679
What it did is refine for me that like I can meditate on the moment of my death and go, how do I want to be when I'm there?
01:02:29.920 --> 01:02:32.880
You know, like do I want to be able to reflect and say I had a good life?
01:02:33.039 --> 01:02:33.440
Yes.
01:02:33.599 --> 01:02:35.039
So start getting there now.
01:02:35.199 --> 01:02:37.119
Do I want to be comfortable in the position I'm in?
01:02:37.280 --> 01:02:37.599
Yes.
01:02:37.760 --> 01:02:43.360
Start working towards being present in every moment, and that whenever that time comes, I'm just like okay with it.
01:02:43.599 --> 01:02:50.239
Um, you know, do I want to leave behind a legacy of some kind for the people around me that they were cared for and like all that?
01:02:50.400 --> 01:02:51.760
Yes, get to work on that.
01:02:51.920 --> 01:03:02.559
But what that all of this does for me is like create this sort of mental exercise where I put myself on my deathbed and go, how do I want it to look?
01:03:03.119 --> 01:03:08.320
And then I start working my life today towards that end.
01:03:09.039 --> 01:03:13.119
And I don't think I need 40 years to get there, I don't think I need 20 years to get there.
01:03:13.199 --> 01:03:17.119
I might need like eight to 10 at the rate I'm going.
01:03:17.519 --> 01:03:35.760
But in a way, it allows me to put myself in a place where I I can make this abstract concept of death and the acceptance of it less fearful, and then make it actionable today.
01:03:35.920 --> 01:03:37.199
How am I gonna do that?
01:03:37.440 --> 01:03:54.880
And so that is more of the meta picture, and then this daily routine is how I'm working out how to get there, and it changes, it's you know, obviously not all the same, but I'm bringing in different things all the time to go, all right, this one's working, let's keep that, that one's not working, we'll toss that aside for now.
01:03:55.119 --> 01:04:05.039
Um, and in that case, it's for this week anyway, it was I'm really seeing the benefit and limitations.
01:04:05.519 --> 01:04:22.400
Um and in standing up for myself, even to myself, to understand the importance of even if an oppressive force comes, to say, all right, you get to win at whatever this, you know, the arena that we're in, because I don't control it, but you're not just gonna run over me.
01:04:22.559 --> 01:04:31.679
And in this case, it's like life itself that feels too big and too overwhelming, that it's just gonna sit it and go, whatever, I'm I'm doing this on my terms.
01:04:32.239 --> 01:04:34.639
Uh that's probably not the right way to phrase it.
01:04:34.880 --> 01:04:39.039
Because that was more of like I did when I was in this is my terms.
01:04:39.119 --> 01:04:40.480
I'm gonna drink myself to death.
01:04:40.639 --> 01:04:44.480
I guess in my terms, is like I'm not gonna allow your fear to fuck me up.
01:04:44.719 --> 01:04:46.239
Let's put it that way.
01:04:46.800 --> 01:04:55.119
But that's that's kind of wrapping this all up into a night, nice little package of just like, what is what is all of this sort of meta work?
01:04:55.360 --> 01:04:57.199
How is it informing the day-to-day?
01:04:57.360 --> 01:05:00.079
And like, how do we carry that out over time?
01:05:00.320 --> 01:05:02.800
And that's this is the way I'm doing it.
01:05:03.039 --> 01:05:12.320
And it's it makes sense and it works, but it doesn't it doesn't mean that like my every day I'm just like on cloud nine and I'm sitting here going, hopefully you get it too.
01:05:12.400 --> 01:05:17.679
Because it's like I I would say a majority of the time I'm still struggling a lot.
01:05:17.920 --> 01:05:26.239
And these days I wake up and it's like I'll get physical symptoms, like I'm in withdrawal, still, like headaches, and like my body's just achy and my thoughts are terrible.
01:05:26.480 --> 01:05:31.199
And it's like I'm still in it, and then you know, drinking is not an option, so what do I do?
01:05:31.360 --> 01:05:38.639
And I get to work on this stuff, and even it doesn't make it better, it just allows me to stay in like a consistent state.
01:05:38.800 --> 01:05:45.360
And I think that there's like the benefit in that is like where in the past I would want to hit these big spikes to just get myself out of it.
01:05:45.519 --> 01:05:50.079
Now I see the benefit of just being consistent and going, all right, I'm gonna ride this one out.
01:05:50.159 --> 01:05:56.880
I think in um like a lot of recovery circles, they call it urge surfing.
01:05:57.119 --> 01:06:01.039
Like maybe the more craving side of things is you're gonna urge surf.
01:06:01.519 --> 01:06:05.679
On the more existential side, it's just like consistency of state.
01:06:05.840 --> 01:06:10.000
Of just like, all right, I know today is not gonna be a 10 out of 10.
01:06:10.079 --> 01:06:13.280
If it's a 3 out of 10, let's just not let it be a 2, 1 or a 0.
01:06:13.360 --> 01:06:15.599
Let's just like, all right, here's where we're at.
01:06:15.679 --> 01:06:18.880
If we can bump it up just a little bit, uh, we'll try.
01:06:19.119 --> 01:06:23.599
But let's not make it worse and let's not pretend like it's gonna just get better magically.
01:06:23.760 --> 01:06:28.000
This is where we're at, and then keep putting one foot in front of the other.
01:06:28.239 --> 01:06:33.360
And then, you know, you can't have a 10 day without days that aren't 10, or else every day is the same.
01:06:33.599 --> 01:06:39.519
And uh the the reminder of that, which is difficult because you know, my brain goes, Well, fucking make it a 10.
01:06:41.199 --> 01:06:44.000
Bro, go get hammered.
01:06:44.480 --> 01:06:48.639
Um that that's uh that's life as an addict.
01:06:48.880 --> 01:06:58.239
But in the end, I think it translates to all of us is just life of wanting to get out of bad states into good states, or you know, get away from fear ultimately.
01:06:58.559 --> 01:07:02.639
And so I hope uh in some way this informed that.
01:07:02.960 --> 01:07:06.639
Uh and that that's pretty much all I got.
01:07:06.880 --> 01:07:32.239
So uh we'll come back next week and see if the world is burning any worse than it is now, and hopefully that our insides are steeled against it, and uh, we just keep moving forward consistently and uh helping others that ultimately at the end of the day, we just help those around us and get to a place that when it is our time to go, we can be like, you know what, I did it the right way, and I can live with that.