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Hello and welcome to Dare to Speak Difficult Conversations That Change Everything.
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Today, as you know, everybody who listens regularly, I have been bringing interesting people on to talk about the difficult conversations that happen in their lives.
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And today I am really delighted to welcome Simon Gordon on from Alexander Media Creative.
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Simon, welcome to the show.
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Tell me a little bit about yourself.
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Okay, so obviously my name is Simon.
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I'm 42.
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I live in the West Midlands region in a town just outside of Birmingham.
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I run my own creative agency where I do professional photography, videography, web design with SEO, and social media content creation.
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And then recently I have launched a series of masterclasses as well to help small to business, small to medium business owners improve their visibility online for their businesses.
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Fantastic.
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And we got talking to each other at the Woman Who Awards.
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We just happened to be sitting next to each other.
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So we got chatting.
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Yeah, which was really good.
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You were on our crazy table of winners and advocates and supporters.
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And we were talking about some of the difficult conversations that you've experienced in your life.
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I was impressed by your openness actually when we were talking, but also some of the real struggles that you have faced as you've gone through life.
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And we're both business owners and business representatives.
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We're brand leaders in our own brand.
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And I think it'd be interesting to talk about that too.
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You're a man who's been on a voyage of discovery with yourself, self-discovery and self-understanding.
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Would you agree?
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Yes, it's been quite an interesting journey.
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I remember speaking to you about the journey of identity that I've been on.
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So I grew up with my biological mum, but with an absent biological father because of different disagreements between my mum and my biological dad.
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And so I grew up knowing one side of myself.
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My stepdad came into my life when I was three, and he formally adopted me, married my mum, and I think it was 17 years ago now, because my eldest daughter's 16 is when we were pregnant with my eldest daughter, the whole identity thing all of a sudden came to the forefront of my head because I'm a person who's always enjoyed history, studying history through school, and I love watching period dramas, all that kind of stuff.
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But when my wife was pregnant with our eldest, it started me thinking, Well, where do we come from?
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Because I know from my mum's side, where do we come from, but how am I gonna tell her?
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All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you know, it started to bother me.
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Yeah.
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And so it's been quite a journey over the last 17 years now of of self-discovery, and especially over the last, I'd probably say decade, it's been quite a difficult thing because trying to get answers of where I come from and trying to wade through the let's be honest, the family trauma of you know how I came about and the relationship between my mum and my biological dad, and you know, but then trying to understand well, who am I?
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Who am I, where do I come from?
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Why do I think so differently than the vast majority of probably say all of my mum's side of the family?
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Wow.
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And that's only started to come to light over the last six years, okay, and some of my siblings on my paternal side came into my life, and then I started to understand I see a lot of similarities with myself and then them, and then eventually about two years after that, my biological father came into my life, and so then it was kind of like it was the kind of completion of that identity and trying to understand, okay, I've been so lost for so long.
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Yeah.
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And trying to navigate all those things with you know family stuff, but then kind of understanding that okay, I'm starting to learn who I am and what I'm about, who is silent.
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But it's it you know, as when we first spoke, I find it very moving listening to you.
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A lot of I was raised by my dad.
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My mum left when I was very young, and my dad was really difficult, he was very volatile, he was an extremely complicated individual.
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But my mum was left.
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She didn't, you know, she didn't come back to look after us again at any point.
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And I had to get to know her later on when I I was finding my dad quite hard to handle as an older teenager.
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And a lot of the work that I do is around that need as a child, even though things can be very difficult during our upbringing, certainly if there's separation and divorce and breakup, but knowing who you are.
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When I go and visit my mother's family, for example, I see myself, my physical characteristics.
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Some of my, you know, the things that I do, the way that I look, the way I move, even the way that my hair grows, comes from my mother's side of the family, face shape, you know, it's height, but it's it is these other characteristics that come in.
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And with separation and divorce, there's so much loss of family that with that becomes that loss of identity and that confusion in identity.
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Definitely, and it's interesting because you hear one side of the story for many years and this at the other, and and then when you start to hear the other side of the story, it opens up your mind in a different way.
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And that was interesting because even at one point it was a case of is this my dad?
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Yeah, and I'm just being wrought, is my mum telling the truth?
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It's been really deep because it's kind of like trying to get answers from my mum, and the answers were very, very short, and there wasn't much information, then, but then actually having quite a few people who I know who have started to give me information and I've started to piece things together, and it's like and then obviously having my paternal siblings in my life, because I'd known them growing up, but it was a it was a sworn-off kind of subject you don't talk about it kind of even as an adult trying to ask my mum certain questions and stuff and not getting those answers, and it's it's kind of it was it was really tough, but yeah, as I got to know my siblings and then got to know my dad, it it's I feel like I've got to know 80% of myself, yeah, because it's not even like I'm 50-50.
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I feel like 80% of who I am and where I come from and whatever is from my my dad's side.
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Do you do you think part of that is being a man and the fact that your dad's a man and that kind of masculine side?
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Do you or on you being a dad now as well?
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Because I I know for me being a parent, you know, being a mother, yeah, it it kind of adds that layer.
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Do you feel that part of it is that?
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Because the m the loss of fathers is it is such a big part of people is their father, isn't it?
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Especially as you grow up and become a grown-up.
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Maybe a lot of it is to do with the male, but I haven't kind of categorized it like that.
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Um I think the way that my dad thinks and especially a couple of my brothers think we're very entrepreneurial, we're very creative.
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Straight away, as soon as I started to get to know my dad a bit and knew that he'd, you know, had many businesses back in the day in his time, and he's very forward thinking and very innovative in how he thinks.
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And and I'm like, because none of my mum's side are like that at all.
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Okay.
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I've always thought very differently, and I clashed at times with as everyone does with their parents and stuff.
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Yeah, of course, of course.
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But just understanding that no, actually, I think and feel like this, and this is why, and this is where it comes from.
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I didn't want to stay in the corporate world, for example, and go through I went through grammar school, I went to uni, and then I went into the kind of corporate world.
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But I've always been a creative at heart, yeah, but yet I never felt satisfied.
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And I've I've gone through loads of like long periods of time of I'd say depression at times, thinking even recently, just thinking like it's not hitting the mark, like I've got these big dreams and desires, and this just isn't it.
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Yeah, you know, and it's it's and then when I'm started started to get to know my dad probably over the last three years, especially, and you know, getting to know my my other siblings as well, and realizing that there's a huge entrepreneurial part of them, and it's like you know, at least three of them have got their own businesses, and you know, that one my younger brother's got a podcast that he's doing at the moment himself, and then he's you know doing his own kind of like video production stuff as well, and then my elder brother he's running events management company, his own, and then he's doing like selling perfumes and stuff, and then speaking to my dad.
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And my dad now has told me that he had several businesses on high streets, you know, back in the day.
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And I'm like, this is where it comes from.
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This is it, yeah, and this is it, and this is the importance of having that in your life.
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It lets you know that you're not one of a kind, you're one of many, and that is it's really it's so crucial, isn't it?
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Yeah, you know, you're a dad now, and you see, you know, you're in a in a good, good relationship with their with your children's mother, aren't you?
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So you know that you know you can see the impact on your children of having two people that they are like, and they're your kids are gonna be more or less aspects with each one of you and your wife.
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How do you reflect on that now?
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I've started rebuilding my relationship with my mum again.
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Have you?
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So it was just coming up to seven years in October where I had to end a relationship because I was just like, I can't deal with this.
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I can't deal with the you know how the relationship's been formed and over the years and different things like that, and it it caused me a mental breakdown in the end.
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I think the search for identity was so crucial and I was crying out so much for it, and I just felt like there was just there was nothing, and you know, the the biggest things that I've kind of dealt with especially is like rejection and abandonment, and just feeling up until three years ago, just feeling like an orphan because I was just like neither of my parents are in my life, and you know, I've never brought trouble home at all.
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I've always tried to do the right thing, and you know, and so my in my discussions with my mum, I have been talking about like the fact of I can appreciate the trauma that she's gone through with certain things.
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However, it affected me so badly because I needed answers and it's like there was several things that she knew that she didn't talk to me about, and and then there was other things which I found out from other people and different things like that, and I think on reflection it's a thing of it's so important for people to to uh have that understanding when especially a young child is caught in the middle of things.
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I do agree with it, and that kind of it probably is what drives me.
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When I grew up, I had there were so many questions.
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There were so there were questions I didn't even know that I needed to ask.
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I couldn't work, it's a bit like searching on Google, isn't it?
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You know, when Google first came out, it was learning how to ask the right question.
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It wasn't that Google didn't have information, you had to ask the right question to get the answer.
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And that there were questions that I had to find the right questions that the answers really mattered.
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Also, the people I needed to get the answers from were not giving me any answers.
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So when I when my dad was my dad passed away earlier on, and when he was 87 last July, when I sat and interviewed him because a friend told me, go and interview your dad, he's gonna die at some point and you'll regret it.
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And I got him to talk about his whole life.
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And it was the first time, I think it was the first time I'd really asked those questions, and it was the first time he'd actually been willing to tell me.
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And I think it's because I had somebody else there, he was kind of performing for them, he was telling them, not me.
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But I will forever be grateful to her for getting me to do that.
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But understanding that what I was lacking and how much how much bereavement, this complex early childhood bereavement, which you will have absorbed and I certainly absorbed, and we're needing our parents to fill in some of those details to help us with that identity stuff because and then you you watch people going through divorce and breakup talking about what the kids need, you know, and the kids need time with their mum and they need time with their dad.
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And I'm like, they do, but they need so much more than that.
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They need a history that they understand, they need a when you're in a family, you're part of a community, and if your community is fractured, then how are you gonna know who you are?
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Right, and I don't think people are really thinking about this enough, Simon.
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That's what I think that you would have looked okay on the outside because you will have looked wrong and tall and capable and all of these things, you will have looked that way, so you wouldn't even know there was that gap inside.
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But there was that gap inside.
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Does that resonate with you?
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Does that make sense to you?
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It does massively.
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I think, especially as an adult, got married, I'd got my stepdad's name, he was there in my life and different things like that.
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But as time went on, I started to feel the deep feeling of I'm not that surname, I don't identify with that surname, and then it comes with the complications of how's that gonna make my my mum feel, how's it gonna make him feel?
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I wasn't in relationship with you know my mum and stepdad at the time, and it was a tough time because I made that decision and I messaged a few people in the family, and whilst the family were supportive and understanding, but one particular member, which I trusted massively in my life a lot, kind of hit guilt on me, yeah, and it was kind of like do you know what I've been living with guilt my entire life on stuff I shouldn't have even been thinking guilty about, but yeah, I'm making a positive decision for myself because I feel like I want to take the name of my my biological dad because I feel an affiliation with him.
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I feel like because for ages I was thinking before I even met my dad, okay, what should I do?
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Should I take my middle name?
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Yeah, you know, and that's why it's Alexander Media Creative because that's my middle name, and I was like, It is, I don't want to put my old surname because it's hard to spell anyway, and so I was thinking of Google searches anyway.
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But I was like, but I don't feel a connection or an affiliation to that name at all.
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So, you know, what you're describing there, and you're describing your intuition.
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You are describing something making you listen to your intuition about this.
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You know, even when anybody who cuts off a parent, first of all, there is a lot of ga shame and guilt.
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You can't do that, they raised you, it's ungrateful, da-da-da, and all of that.
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To take the action to do that often requires really listening to your you know, it's not a frivolous attention-seeking thing.
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It's usually when your intuition is speaking so loudly to you that you realize that you simply have to pay attention.
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You are you you know, as a man, you are talking about a highly intuitive journey that you've been on.
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You've listened to your gut feeling, you haven't shut down, you haven't got angry and lashed out, you've done something else, Simon, which is you've listened to your intuition, you've listened to your feelings.
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Yeah, it's uh I have, and it was it kept bugging me for a long time.
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It just kept coming back and poking me and poking me, and again, just being honest, because so many of my adult decisions have been challenged by family members.
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I found myself in the place where I felt like I couldn't trust my own thoughts for ages.
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And it was only when I started psychotherapy and I was in it for three years, I started to understand and realise that my thoughts and feelings were validated.
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You know, through this whole mindfield of identity and and my it's the real you, yeah, yeah, which is like it's the primal being of Simon.
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Yeah.
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You know, behind the mask that you're easily able to put on and you're able to put on the smile and be Simon and be the leader and be the chirpy chappy, cheeky chappy that you know I I am, and stuff like that, which is naturally me, but it's putting that mask on when you know, even though you're going through hell, even though you you're holding on and then eventually having a nervous breakdown in June 2020 and just feeling like the whole nervous system, confidence everything was just shattered and kind of rebuilding from that.
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And um it's been yeah, it's it's it's it's been a journey, and so through psychotherapy, beginning to realise that I've got permission to to think things and to make decisions, and yeah, you know, growing up with a very strong family who are very opinionated and I will naturally shrink back.
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That that really affected even to this day, it affects my confidence even now.
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But I'm still trying to work through that and build my confidence.
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But when you're hardwired a certain way, it's so hard to recondition your mind and rewrite that that mindset.
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It really is, it really is, and I think you know it's one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on talking today because I hear very often that you know men don't talk about their feelings and men are the oh they're the way that they are, but they're not.
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Like all of us are like this.
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All of us would have that kind of experience that you're talking about.
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It isn't masculine or feminine, it's human.
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And putting on the mask, ignoring how you feel, I is something I did for many, many years.
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It's something that I see a lot of people doing.
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I think I see in society there's a lot of people kind of struggling and striving and claiming their identity and their right to their identity, and quite a negative narrative about that, as if it's some trivial thing.
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It isn't, because we just don't live very long.
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And living behind a mask is not good enough, actually, at times.
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We we've all got them, we can put them on, and you're right, we're kind of hardwired to them.
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But living that life is what I see a lot of people do within their relationships or even in their families, where they're going, Oh, it's just the way it is.
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It isn't, it doesn't have to be the way it is if we're willing to inquire.
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And I I mean I don't know what you think, but I think men do talk about their feelings, can, will, must, should benefit from it.
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Definitely have so I've been in leadership positions because I grew up in church so for many years, and I've supported a lot of youth and young adults and other adults, and and it's like one of my things that I've always tried to be is be real with people and say, Look, this is who I am.
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I'm Simon, I'm 42 years old, I've had a nervous breakdown, I've struggled with rejection and abandonment.
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These are the struggles that I've had and still have at times with periods of anxiety and depression, and you know, especially being an entrepreneur, I like to tell people that because I'm like, I want you to understand that you know that you can talk to me about anything.
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Yeah, yeah.
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And please understand that even though I may be, you may look at me and think, size this and size this.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, I may enjoy company, I may this, but I'm going through this.
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And actually, I mean, I was talking to my my one of my best mates last night because in a really bad place, and we went on a walk, and he was talking to me, he was talking to me about his wife, and I've got a really good relationship with her as well.
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And he was saying, The thing that I love about you, Sai, is that you're so open.
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He said, Because even even my wife is like, I love Sai because do you know what?
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If you're struggling, he will just say it, and it's like, ah, that's so refreshing because he can say, Do you know what I'm struggling right now because I'm doing this?
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I'm not like that all the time, but but it just means that it it opens the door for people to think it's it's a safe place for people to think, do you know what I've been struggling with and you know she's a business owner as well.
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It's being able to be transparent with people and it helps others, but I will say I have found it very difficult to find older men in the community that I've been in to be able to go to and say, Do you know what I'm really struggling if I'm honest?
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No in my life.
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No, I I wouldn't yeah, I would say that that is true, uh, but the reality is that the elders are missing.
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Yeah.
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They're just missing.
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A lot of the men have been partitioned out of their lives.
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There's something I I read a stat and they don't really keep very good figures.
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You know, there's hundreds of thousands of families with dads who have no contact with their children at all.
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And this is not Drake blame the men.
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This is a fact there is no there's nothing in any of the cultures which is helping and teaching and supporting men.
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My dad was difficult because he had nobody to support him.
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There are loads and loads of lovely older men, but whether or not they feel that they can connect or they can talk or interact or have the skills to do it, and yet we need that part of society.
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I think a lot of the problems happening with the youth are happening because of a lack of direction from the elders.
00:22:26.789 --> 00:22:27.269
100%.
00:22:27.750 --> 00:22:41.669
And like even with, let's say like myself, so I've been married, it will be 21 years in August, got two daughters, 16 and 14, wife, beautiful kids, and love them to bits, and they're my biggest cheerleaders.
00:22:41.909 --> 00:22:49.109
And it's like like there's so many things that I'm still trying to work through, which I would love to pick up the phone.
00:22:49.189 --> 00:22:54.709
Now I've got a couple of really close peers, peers that I can talk to, a couple of females, a couple of males.
00:22:54.789 --> 00:22:55.029
Yeah.
00:22:55.189 --> 00:23:01.429
But in terms of having that elder statesman, that that older person to go to and say, Do you know what?
00:23:01.589 --> 00:23:42.069
Especially like even like 10, 15 years ago, and I'm in terms of our generation, even jobs and responsibility we've had so much more responsibility at our age that maybe the previous generation one of 55 60 who would have been a CEO and in management or chief executive level would have had and that shift is like it's so great and you're like how do I even navigate this how do how do I even you know manage this how do I kind of start to process this and and understand this and that's the sad thing and so me and my wife have always said we want to be to others what we didn't have.
00:23:42.309 --> 00:24:01.429
Yeah yeah I can see that I think it's I want to talk a little bit about actually that visibility of openness because your work what you do for a job is very much about visibility and helping people people are really struggling with visibility at the moment and how to be open.
00:24:01.589 --> 00:24:09.109
You know you're talking about being open and you're being very open but you're also you're managing what you do and don't share even as we're speaking now.
00:24:09.349 --> 00:24:18.709
In terms of that visibility both professionally when you're supporting people but internally can you talk a little bit more about that because I think that's something people don't understand.
00:24:18.789 --> 00:24:22.069
They think you've either got to say everything about everything or nothing.
00:24:22.309 --> 00:24:22.709
Yeah.
00:24:22.949 --> 00:24:39.909
But there's a middle isn't there there is I think you have to understand who you are and who you are outside of what other people's expectations of you are because I lived in those expectations and I felt like I was never able to to live up to them.
00:24:39.990 --> 00:24:40.149
Yeah.
00:24:40.470 --> 00:26:53.349
And so in terms of with visibility let's say from a personal point of view it's it's starting that journey of saying right okay if if I had no boundaries if I had no limitations who would Simon be and what would Simon like and love to do and I think it starts with that first and then and I feel like you won't be able to showcase your visibility for your business properly and fully until you know who you are yourself because especially as you know small business owners let's say like ourselves we are the face of the brand and this is what we talk a lot about to to people it's understanding that people are interested in us there's a million photographers there's a million web designers but actually when you're in the room who is the person that they're interacting with and so the main thing about my business is helping to elevate people's visibility online so that's through you know social media that's through your website that's through all those different areas and even kind of creating even through like photography and videography how you present yourself and like even with the master classes it's all about trying to encourage people to realise that it's not this huge thing there's tiny little steps that you can take to to get to from point A to point B and then when you get there to point C into point D to show people that it's actually attainable but it's breaking it down because if you think to yourself oh my gosh I've started from scratch you know I have to be someone let's say Stacy Solomon and she's a massive like influencer for women and stuff and then or you look at Holly Willoughby or you think I've got to get from here to here and it's like no they've had many years of building up and building up their presence online and showing people who they are and they've had to work hard and it's I always say right start with this it doesn't matter what the trends are saying it doesn't matter what people are saying oh Reemy should be posting at least once a day you know and then loads of people are like oh you should be posting five times five times a day and this it's like no it's the long game.
00:26:53.509 --> 00:26:57.189
Yeah disability is the long game so what can you do today?
00:26:57.429 --> 00:27:28.789
Yeah I think there was that analogy wasn't there with the film Back to the Future that you know we could all go back in time and change the future but we get to change the future today and I will always say this about difficult conversations if you've got you know the conversation that you started with your mother about your past your childhood and who you were was not one conversation is going to have been a series and some will have been more successful some less successful but when you put them all together you end up with a whole that actually maybe gives you some answers.
00:27:28.949 --> 00:27:42.549
No seeing visibility that way seeing life that way even seeing identity that way because your identity is the 42 year old man over 16 and a 14 year old husband of 21 years.
00:27:42.789 --> 00:27:47.750
But in 10 years time your identity might be very different.
00:27:47.990 --> 00:27:54.789
You might be a grandparent you'll be a more elder person you'll have been past your 50s who knows what you'll be doing.
00:27:54.949 --> 00:28:47.029
So that it's looking at it as a continuum and seeing it's just a whole series of difficult conversations it's a whole series of being open it's a whole series actually of intention and choosing the life that you want to have and lead isn't it really in definitely just to kind of speak for my mum as well like she looked after me she always wanted the best for me and you know she's the best she she did the best she could as as as she said you know and she was there even having those you know really hard conversations with my biological dad as well and and hearing his story and you know finding myself even in that and trying to figure out who I am as a let's say a new son as an adult and seeing that do you know what like both my biological parents were kids when they met me.
00:28:47.269 --> 00:29:15.589
Oh yeah you know and then you've got so much of even like the the complications and politics of black culture every single culture's got their own complications and stuff and so trying to navigate through all that and trying to understand that and pick that apart and try and understand it and then move forward and like I said the missing 80% and I will say 80% because I don't feel like I'm missing a part of myself now.
00:29:15.909 --> 00:29:33.349
And even though I'm not kind of dependent on either parent it's kind of like okay at least I know where I come from at least I know that even my dad's dad was was a businessman was quite a wealthy man and he had a haulage company in Jamaica and you know different things like that.
00:29:33.509 --> 00:29:39.029
So I'm starting to learn a little bit more about where I come from and different things like that.
00:29:39.269 --> 00:30:29.909
But coming back to the importance of regardless of whatever happens with the parents it's for them to understand and realize that you know what this child needs will need answers at some point in its life and I can understand as a kid there's only so much they can process but actually when they come to a certain age it's important to impart in them well this is where you come this is who your family are this this is this yeah etc I I completely there's a saying I don't know who said it that as parents we're the custodian of our children's childhood history and I'm very interested in I do think there's so much intergenerational trauma from your parents my parents and their grandparents knowing who we are from where we come from and where our parents came from for me has been transformational.
00:30:30.230 --> 00:30:48.389
Knowing who I am now knowing who I am on the way to becoming and you know fitting all of those pieces I think you know for me why I work in divorce and breakup and it's you know my dad raised me he was difficult but he raised me just like you say your mum your mother did and I honour him for that.
00:30:48.549 --> 00:30:48.789
Yes.
00:30:48.949 --> 00:31:01.429
But it is only since his passing that I've really understood that so much of what drives me is widely him and yet I would have been told I was like my mum even though she wasn't there.
00:31:01.509 --> 00:31:09.269
But do you know what we get to decide for ourselves Simon who we are and who we're like and we just need both parents to have a chance to do that really don't we?
00:31:09.509 --> 00:31:50.709
And and that's the thing and do you know what my psychotherapist was incredible for me because actually he really helped me work through all these different feelings of identity and then obviously the rejection and abandonment the anxiety the depression but understanding okay this is what your body's doing this is where it's coming from this is where your body stores it is how you start to deal with it and giving me some articles and some books to read on things it massively reduced the the anxiety in my life because you start having these feelings of trauma and then you start to feel anxiety and then you're like what the heck's going on and then that anxiety grows and grows and grows.
00:31:50.869 --> 00:32:13.349
So the trauma's here but then the anxiety keeps spiraling and spiralling and so you start having panic attacks and all this kind of stuff but since having you know sessions with with him within five months and this is my personal journey within five months I was off anti-anxiety medication and and everyone has to do that within their own way and stuff like that.
00:32:13.589 --> 00:32:34.549
But because he was starting to teach me about the fundamentals of who I actually am as a person what my rights are that the fact that how I think is actually valid and it's actually correct and it's you know I'm not breaking any laws like even the point of wanting to change my name I brought it up with him the one session I remember it like it was yesterday.
00:32:34.709 --> 00:32:42.869
And I was expecting him to say well you need to think about this that the other and he said well if that's how you identify then that's how that's what you should do.
00:32:43.029 --> 00:33:13.269
And it was like all of a sudden I was starting to be given permission to think and to validate as you said earlier all those thoughts and feelings my intuitions that had been bugging me for so long but I'd press down because it was like but I'll upset some but oh it's not the right thing to do and you're facing all this kind of opposition but I feel like through that psychotherapy I've started to explore who Simon is and I'm still it's only three years in it's a lot more liberating.
00:33:13.589 --> 00:33:37.109
Good it's so good to hear you say that and I hope I hope people listening to this are hearing that there is freedom there is liberation here there are you know the ability to explore and understand ourselves through these difficult conversations through recognizing validating and having our own experiences is crucial actually is crucial.
00:33:37.349 --> 00:33:55.109
So Simon I just want to say thank you today for appearing on my podcast and thank you for sharing so honestly and openly you know I with every podcast episode my always think there's one person somewhere who will hear it and go, I'm not alone with these thoughts.
00:33:55.189 --> 00:34:14.230
I'm not the only one who thinks this way so I feel certain that today there will be people I certainly hear you and others who will hear you because this message has to come out very superficial that actually a lot of this is internal and it's safe to go there with guidance, with help with support.
00:34:14.789 --> 00:34:22.230
But it's safe and it's a safer way to live because we we have access to our feelings which is just amazing is amazing.
00:34:22.309 --> 00:34:54.630
So if there was one little sentence that you would leave with anybody kind of about tackling this please talk to someone find someone and just start by saying I feel this find that person that you can talk to because you'll be surprised number one how much people love you and number two how how many other people are going through stuff as well and if we only realised that we wouldn't feel so isolated and alone so we'd start in that journey of just speaking to somebody.
00:34:54.949 --> 00:34:59.269
Thank you so much for sharing that and I completely echo what you're saying there.
00:34:59.429 --> 00:35:14.309
It is sometimes we think we can talk to our family but genuinely a stranger will see us sometimes in ways our family can't because there's no preconceptions there's no anything and that's where really good quality coaching psychotherapy counselling works.
00:35:14.550 --> 00:35:14.869
Yeah.
00:35:15.030 --> 00:35:19.030
So thank you so much Simon really appreciate you today.
00:35:19.269 --> 00:35:35.910
Take care of yourself Okay so my website is www dot alexandermedia dot com dot uk and then you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube and TikTok as at AlexMedia Creative.
00:35:36.150 --> 00:35:41.190
Alex Media Creative Excellent Thank you so much Simon You're welcome
00:01:07.750 --> 00:01:12.950
Hello and welcome to Dare to Speak Difficult Conversations That Change Everything.
00:01:13.189 --> 00:01:22.390
Today, as you know, everybody who listens regularly, I have been bringing interesting people on to talk about the difficult conversations that happen in their lives.
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And today I am really delighted to welcome Simon Gordon on from Alexander Media Creative.
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Simon, welcome to the show.
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Tell me a little bit about yourself.
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Okay, so obviously my name is Simon.
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I'm 42.
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I live in the West Midlands region in a town just outside of Birmingham.
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I run my own creative agency where I do professional photography, videography, web design with SEO, and social media content creation.
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And then recently I have launched a series of masterclasses as well to help small to business, small to medium business owners improve their visibility online for their businesses.
00:02:04.310 --> 00:02:05.030
Fantastic.
00:02:05.270 --> 00:02:08.310
And we got talking to each other at the Woman Who Awards.
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We just happened to be sitting next to each other.
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So we got chatting.
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Yeah, which was really good.
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You were on our crazy table of winners and advocates and supporters.
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And we were talking about some of the difficult conversations that you've experienced in your life.
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I was impressed by your openness actually when we were talking, but also some of the real struggles that you have faced as you've gone through life.
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And we're both business owners and business representatives.
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We're brand leaders in our own brand.
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And I think it'd be interesting to talk about that too.
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You're a man who's been on a voyage of discovery with yourself, self-discovery and self-understanding.
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Would you agree?
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Yes, it's been quite an interesting journey.
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I remember speaking to you about the journey of identity that I've been on.
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So I grew up with my biological mum, but with an absent biological father because of different disagreements between my mum and my biological dad.
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And so I grew up knowing one side of myself.
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My stepdad came into my life when I was three, and he formally adopted me, married my mum, and I think it was 17 years ago now, because my eldest daughter's 16 is when we were pregnant with my eldest daughter, the whole identity thing all of a sudden came to the forefront of my head because I'm a person who's always enjoyed history, studying history through school, and I love watching period dramas, all that kind of stuff.
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But when my wife was pregnant with our eldest, it started me thinking, Well, where do we come from?
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Because I know from my mum's side, where do we come from, but how am I gonna tell her?
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All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you know, it started to bother me.
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Yeah.
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And so it's been quite a journey over the last 17 years now of of self-discovery, and especially over the last, I'd probably say decade, it's been quite a difficult thing because trying to get answers of where I come from and trying to wade through the let's be honest, the family trauma of you know how I came about and the relationship between my mum and my biological dad, and you know, but then trying to understand well, who am I?
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Who am I, where do I come from?
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Why do I think so differently than the vast majority of probably say all of my mum's side of the family?
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Wow.
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And that's only started to come to light over the last six years, okay, and some of my siblings on my paternal side came into my life, and then I started to understand I see a lot of similarities with myself and then them, and then eventually about two years after that, my biological father came into my life, and so then it was kind of like it was the kind of completion of that identity and trying to understand, okay, I've been so lost for so long.
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Yeah.
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And trying to navigate all those things with you know family stuff, but then kind of understanding that okay, I'm starting to learn who I am and what I'm about, who is silent.
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But it's it you know, as when we first spoke, I find it very moving listening to you.
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A lot of I was raised by my dad.
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My mum left when I was very young, and my dad was really difficult, he was very volatile, he was an extremely complicated individual.
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But my mum was left.
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She didn't, you know, she didn't come back to look after us again at any point.
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And I had to get to know her later on when I I was finding my dad quite hard to handle as an older teenager.
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And a lot of the work that I do is around that need as a child, even though things can be very difficult during our upbringing, certainly if there's separation and divorce and breakup, but knowing who you are.
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When I go and visit my mother's family, for example, I see myself, my physical characteristics.
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Some of my, you know, the things that I do, the way that I look, the way I move, even the way that my hair grows, comes from my mother's side of the family, face shape, you know, it's height, but it's it is these other characteristics that come in.
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And with separation and divorce, there's so much loss of family that with that becomes that loss of identity and that confusion in identity.
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Definitely, and it's interesting because you hear one side of the story for many years and this at the other, and and then when you start to hear the other side of the story, it opens up your mind in a different way.
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And that was interesting because even at one point it was a case of is this my dad?
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Yeah, and I'm just being wrought, is my mum telling the truth?
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It's been really deep because it's kind of like trying to get answers from my mum, and the answers were very, very short, and there wasn't much information, then, but then actually having quite a few people who I know who have started to give me information and I've started to piece things together, and it's like and then obviously having my paternal siblings in my life, because I'd known them growing up, but it was a it was a sworn-off kind of subject you don't talk about it kind of even as an adult trying to ask my mum certain questions and stuff and not getting those answers, and it's it's kind of it was it was really tough, but yeah, as I got to know my siblings and then got to know my dad, it it's I feel like I've got to know 80% of myself, yeah, because it's not even like I'm 50-50.
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I feel like 80% of who I am and where I come from and whatever is from my my dad's side.
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Do you do you think part of that is being a man and the fact that your dad's a man and that kind of masculine side?
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Do you or on you being a dad now as well?
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Because I I know for me being a parent, you know, being a mother, yeah, it it kind of adds that layer.
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Do you feel that part of it is that?
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Because the m the loss of fathers is it is such a big part of people is their father, isn't it?
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Especially as you grow up and become a grown-up.
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Maybe a lot of it is to do with the male, but I haven't kind of categorized it like that.
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Um I think the way that my dad thinks and especially a couple of my brothers think we're very entrepreneurial, we're very creative.
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Straight away, as soon as I started to get to know my dad a bit and knew that he'd, you know, had many businesses back in the day in his time, and he's very forward thinking and very innovative in how he thinks.
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And and I'm like, because none of my mum's side are like that at all.
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Okay.
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I've always thought very differently, and I clashed at times with as everyone does with their parents and stuff.
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Yeah, of course, of course.
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But just understanding that no, actually, I think and feel like this, and this is why, and this is where it comes from.
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I didn't want to stay in the corporate world, for example, and go through I went through grammar school, I went to uni, and then I went into the kind of corporate world.
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But I've always been a creative at heart, yeah, but yet I never felt satisfied.
00:09:01.509 --> 00:09:15.029
And I've I've gone through loads of like long periods of time of I'd say depression at times, thinking even recently, just thinking like it's not hitting the mark, like I've got these big dreams and desires, and this just isn't it.
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Yeah, you know, and it's it's and then when I'm started started to get to know my dad probably over the last three years, especially, and you know, getting to know my my other siblings as well, and realizing that there's a huge entrepreneurial part of them, and it's like you know, at least three of them have got their own businesses, and you know, that one my younger brother's got a podcast that he's doing at the moment himself, and then he's you know doing his own kind of like video production stuff as well, and then my elder brother he's running events management company, his own, and then he's doing like selling perfumes and stuff, and then speaking to my dad.
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And my dad now has told me that he had several businesses on high streets, you know, back in the day.
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And I'm like, this is where it comes from.
00:10:01.910 --> 00:10:06.870
This is it, yeah, and this is it, and this is the importance of having that in your life.
00:10:07.110 --> 00:10:14.070
It lets you know that you're not one of a kind, you're one of many, and that is it's really it's so crucial, isn't it?
00:10:14.230 --> 00:10:21.110
Yeah, you know, you're a dad now, and you see, you know, you're in a in a good, good relationship with their with your children's mother, aren't you?
00:10:21.269 --> 00:10:34.550
So you know that you know you can see the impact on your children of having two people that they are like, and they're your kids are gonna be more or less aspects with each one of you and your wife.
00:10:34.790 --> 00:10:36.790
How do you reflect on that now?
00:10:37.830 --> 00:10:40.950
I've started rebuilding my relationship with my mum again.
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Have you?
00:10:42.310 --> 00:10:50.470
So it was just coming up to seven years in October where I had to end a relationship because I was just like, I can't deal with this.
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I can't deal with the you know how the relationship's been formed and over the years and different things like that, and it it caused me a mental breakdown in the end.
00:11:02.070 --> 00:11:30.790
I think the search for identity was so crucial and I was crying out so much for it, and I just felt like there was just there was nothing, and you know, the the biggest things that I've kind of dealt with especially is like rejection and abandonment, and just feeling up until three years ago, just feeling like an orphan because I was just like neither of my parents are in my life, and you know, I've never brought trouble home at all.
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I've always tried to do the right thing, and you know, and so my in my discussions with my mum, I have been talking about like the fact of I can appreciate the trauma that she's gone through with certain things.
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However, it affected me so badly because I needed answers and it's like there was several things that she knew that she didn't talk to me about, and and then there was other things which I found out from other people and different things like that, and I think on reflection it's a thing of it's so important for people to to uh have that understanding when especially a young child is caught in the middle of things.
00:12:11.670 --> 00:12:15.670
I do agree with it, and that kind of it probably is what drives me.
00:12:15.830 --> 00:12:20.389
When I grew up, I had there were so many questions.
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There were so there were questions I didn't even know that I needed to ask.
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I couldn't work, it's a bit like searching on Google, isn't it?
00:12:27.269 --> 00:12:30.550
You know, when Google first came out, it was learning how to ask the right question.
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It wasn't that Google didn't have information, you had to ask the right question to get the answer.
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And that there were questions that I had to find the right questions that the answers really mattered.
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Also, the people I needed to get the answers from were not giving me any answers.
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So when I when my dad was my dad passed away earlier on, and when he was 87 last July, when I sat and interviewed him because a friend told me, go and interview your dad, he's gonna die at some point and you'll regret it.
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And I got him to talk about his whole life.
00:13:01.910 --> 00:13:11.030
And it was the first time, I think it was the first time I'd really asked those questions, and it was the first time he'd actually been willing to tell me.
00:13:11.190 --> 00:13:16.310
And I think it's because I had somebody else there, he was kind of performing for them, he was telling them, not me.
00:13:16.550 --> 00:13:19.750
But I will forever be grateful to her for getting me to do that.
00:13:19.990 --> 00:13:44.470
But understanding that what I was lacking and how much how much bereavement, this complex early childhood bereavement, which you will have absorbed and I certainly absorbed, and we're needing our parents to fill in some of those details to help us with that identity stuff because and then you you watch people going through divorce and breakup talking about what the kids need, you know, and the kids need time with their mum and they need time with their dad.
00:13:44.550 --> 00:13:47.110
And I'm like, they do, but they need so much more than that.
00:13:47.269 --> 00:13:56.629
They need a history that they understand, they need a when you're in a family, you're part of a community, and if your community is fractured, then how are you gonna know who you are?
00:13:56.790 --> 00:13:59.910
Right, and I don't think people are really thinking about this enough, Simon.
00:13:59.990 --> 00:14:14.790
That's what I think that you would have looked okay on the outside because you will have looked wrong and tall and capable and all of these things, you will have looked that way, so you wouldn't even know there was that gap inside.
00:14:14.950 --> 00:14:16.550
But there was that gap inside.
00:14:16.629 --> 00:14:18.070
Does that resonate with you?
00:14:18.149 --> 00:14:19.509
Does that make sense to you?
00:14:19.830 --> 00:14:20.950
It does massively.
00:14:21.110 --> 00:14:29.990
I think, especially as an adult, got married, I'd got my stepdad's name, he was there in my life and different things like that.
00:14:30.149 --> 00:14:43.750
But as time went on, I started to feel the deep feeling of I'm not that surname, I don't identify with that surname, and then it comes with the complications of how's that gonna make my my mum feel, how's it gonna make him feel?
00:14:43.990 --> 00:15:19.190
I wasn't in relationship with you know my mum and stepdad at the time, and it was a tough time because I made that decision and I messaged a few people in the family, and whilst the family were supportive and understanding, but one particular member, which I trusted massively in my life a lot, kind of hit guilt on me, yeah, and it was kind of like do you know what I've been living with guilt my entire life on stuff I shouldn't have even been thinking guilty about, but yeah, I'm making a positive decision for myself because I feel like I want to take the name of my my biological dad because I feel an affiliation with him.
00:15:19.269 --> 00:15:24.389
I feel like because for ages I was thinking before I even met my dad, okay, what should I do?
00:15:24.550 --> 00:15:26.310
Should I take my middle name?
00:15:26.470 --> 00:15:36.550
Yeah, you know, and that's why it's Alexander Media Creative because that's my middle name, and I was like, It is, I don't want to put my old surname because it's hard to spell anyway, and so I was thinking of Google searches anyway.
00:15:36.710 --> 00:15:41.509
But I was like, but I don't feel a connection or an affiliation to that name at all.
00:15:41.750 --> 00:15:46.149
So, you know, what you're describing there, and you're describing your intuition.
00:15:46.389 --> 00:15:51.590
You are describing something making you listen to your intuition about this.
00:15:51.750 --> 00:15:56.710
You know, even when anybody who cuts off a parent, first of all, there is a lot of ga shame and guilt.
00:15:56.870 --> 00:16:00.629
You can't do that, they raised you, it's ungrateful, da-da-da, and all of that.
00:16:00.870 --> 00:16:08.790
To take the action to do that often requires really listening to your you know, it's not a frivolous attention-seeking thing.
00:16:08.950 --> 00:16:16.470
It's usually when your intuition is speaking so loudly to you that you realize that you simply have to pay attention.
00:16:16.710 --> 00:16:23.830
You are you you know, as a man, you are talking about a highly intuitive journey that you've been on.
00:16:23.910 --> 00:16:35.269
You've listened to your gut feeling, you haven't shut down, you haven't got angry and lashed out, you've done something else, Simon, which is you've listened to your intuition, you've listened to your feelings.
00:16:35.509 --> 00:16:39.509
Yeah, it's uh I have, and it was it kept bugging me for a long time.
00:16:39.670 --> 00:16:49.430
It just kept coming back and poking me and poking me, and again, just being honest, because so many of my adult decisions have been challenged by family members.
00:16:49.670 --> 00:16:54.470
I found myself in the place where I felt like I couldn't trust my own thoughts for ages.
00:16:54.629 --> 00:17:04.069
And it was only when I started psychotherapy and I was in it for three years, I started to understand and realise that my thoughts and feelings were validated.
00:17:04.230 --> 00:17:14.470
You know, through this whole mindfield of identity and and my it's the real you, yeah, yeah, which is like it's the primal being of Simon.
00:17:14.629 --> 00:17:14.869
Yeah.
00:17:15.109 --> 00:17:43.750
You know, behind the mask that you're easily able to put on and you're able to put on the smile and be Simon and be the leader and be the chirpy chappy, cheeky chappy that you know I I am, and stuff like that, which is naturally me, but it's putting that mask on when you know, even though you're going through hell, even though you you're holding on and then eventually having a nervous breakdown in June 2020 and just feeling like the whole nervous system, confidence everything was just shattered and kind of rebuilding from that.
00:17:43.910 --> 00:18:05.430
And um it's been yeah, it's it's it's it's been a journey, and so through psychotherapy, beginning to realise that I've got permission to to think things and to make decisions, and yeah, you know, growing up with a very strong family who are very opinionated and I will naturally shrink back.
00:18:05.990 --> 00:18:10.470
That that really affected even to this day, it affects my confidence even now.
00:18:10.710 --> 00:18:13.829
But I'm still trying to work through that and build my confidence.
00:18:14.069 --> 00:18:21.269
But when you're hardwired a certain way, it's so hard to recondition your mind and rewrite that that mindset.
00:18:21.669 --> 00:18:34.549
It really is, it really is, and I think you know it's one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on talking today because I hear very often that you know men don't talk about their feelings and men are the oh they're the way that they are, but they're not.
00:18:34.789 --> 00:18:36.949
Like all of us are like this.
00:18:37.109 --> 00:18:40.470
All of us would have that kind of experience that you're talking about.
00:18:40.549 --> 00:18:43.349
It isn't masculine or feminine, it's human.
00:18:43.829 --> 00:18:48.949
And putting on the mask, ignoring how you feel, I is something I did for many, many years.
00:18:49.029 --> 00:18:51.829
It's something that I see a lot of people doing.
00:18:52.069 --> 00:19:03.189
I think I see in society there's a lot of people kind of struggling and striving and claiming their identity and their right to their identity, and quite a negative narrative about that, as if it's some trivial thing.
00:19:03.589 --> 00:19:06.629
It isn't, because we just don't live very long.
00:19:06.869 --> 00:19:13.429
And living behind a mask is not good enough, actually, at times.
00:19:13.589 --> 00:19:17.589
We we've all got them, we can put them on, and you're right, we're kind of hardwired to them.
00:19:17.829 --> 00:19:25.990
But living that life is what I see a lot of people do within their relationships or even in their families, where they're going, Oh, it's just the way it is.
00:19:26.149 --> 00:19:29.509
It isn't, it doesn't have to be the way it is if we're willing to inquire.
00:19:29.589 --> 00:19:35.990
And I I mean I don't know what you think, but I think men do talk about their feelings, can, will, must, should benefit from it.
00:19:36.309 --> 00:19:55.829
Definitely have so I've been in leadership positions because I grew up in church so for many years, and I've supported a lot of youth and young adults and other adults, and and it's like one of my things that I've always tried to be is be real with people and say, Look, this is who I am.
00:19:55.990 --> 00:20:02.629
I'm Simon, I'm 42 years old, I've had a nervous breakdown, I've struggled with rejection and abandonment.
00:20:02.789 --> 00:20:18.069
These are the struggles that I've had and still have at times with periods of anxiety and depression, and you know, especially being an entrepreneur, I like to tell people that because I'm like, I want you to understand that you know that you can talk to me about anything.
00:20:18.309 --> 00:20:18.869
Yeah, yeah.
00:20:19.029 --> 00:20:25.669
And please understand that even though I may be, you may look at me and think, size this and size this.
00:20:25.829 --> 00:20:26.149
Yeah.
00:20:26.309 --> 00:20:29.750
Yeah, I may enjoy company, I may this, but I'm going through this.
00:20:29.909 --> 00:20:42.869
And actually, I mean, I was talking to my my one of my best mates last night because in a really bad place, and we went on a walk, and he was talking to me, he was talking to me about his wife, and I've got a really good relationship with her as well.
00:20:42.949 --> 00:20:47.109
And he was saying, The thing that I love about you, Sai, is that you're so open.
00:20:47.429 --> 00:20:52.549
He said, Because even even my wife is like, I love Sai because do you know what?
00:20:52.629 --> 00:21:01.269
If you're struggling, he will just say it, and it's like, ah, that's so refreshing because he can say, Do you know what I'm struggling right now because I'm doing this?
00:21:01.429 --> 00:21:12.470
I'm not like that all the time, but but it just means that it it opens the door for people to think it's it's a safe place for people to think, do you know what I've been struggling with and you know she's a business owner as well.
00:21:12.789 --> 00:21:31.109
It's being able to be transparent with people and it helps others, but I will say I have found it very difficult to find older men in the community that I've been in to be able to go to and say, Do you know what I'm really struggling if I'm honest?
00:21:31.189 --> 00:21:32.309
No in my life.
00:21:32.629 --> 00:21:41.829
No, I I wouldn't yeah, I would say that that is true, uh, but the reality is that the elders are missing.
00:21:41.990 --> 00:21:42.230
Yeah.
00:21:42.470 --> 00:21:43.349
They're just missing.
00:21:43.669 --> 00:21:47.750
A lot of the men have been partitioned out of their lives.
00:21:47.829 --> 00:21:51.189
There's something I I read a stat and they don't really keep very good figures.
00:21:51.349 --> 00:21:57.429
You know, there's hundreds of thousands of families with dads who have no contact with their children at all.
00:21:57.509 --> 00:21:59.829
And this is not Drake blame the men.
00:21:59.909 --> 00:22:06.230
This is a fact there is no there's nothing in any of the cultures which is helping and teaching and supporting men.
00:22:06.389 --> 00:22:10.549
My dad was difficult because he had nobody to support him.
00:22:10.789 --> 00:22:20.549
There are loads and loads of lovely older men, but whether or not they feel that they can connect or they can talk or interact or have the skills to do it, and yet we need that part of society.
00:22:20.709 --> 00:22:25.990
I think a lot of the problems happening with the youth are happening because of a lack of direction from the elders.
00:22:26.789 --> 00:22:27.269
100%.
00:22:27.750 --> 00:22:41.669
And like even with, let's say like myself, so I've been married, it will be 21 years in August, got two daughters, 16 and 14, wife, beautiful kids, and love them to bits, and they're my biggest cheerleaders.
00:22:41.909 --> 00:22:49.109
And it's like like there's so many things that I'm still trying to work through, which I would love to pick up the phone.
00:22:49.189 --> 00:22:54.709
Now I've got a couple of really close peers, peers that I can talk to, a couple of females, a couple of males.
00:22:54.789 --> 00:22:55.029
Yeah.
00:22:55.189 --> 00:23:01.429
But in terms of having that elder statesman, that that older person to go to and say, Do you know what?
00:23:01.589 --> 00:23:42.069
Especially like even like 10, 15 years ago, and I'm in terms of our generation, even jobs and responsibility we've had so much more responsibility at our age that maybe the previous generation one of 55 60 who would have been a CEO and in management or chief executive level would have had and that shift is like it's so great and you're like how do I even navigate this how do how do I even you know manage this how do I kind of start to process this and and understand this and that's the sad thing and so me and my wife have always said we want to be to others what we didn't have.
00:23:42.309 --> 00:24:01.429
Yeah yeah I can see that I think it's I want to talk a little bit about actually that visibility of openness because your work what you do for a job is very much about visibility and helping people people are really struggling with visibility at the moment and how to be open.
00:24:01.589 --> 00:24:09.109
You know you're talking about being open and you're being very open but you're also you're managing what you do and don't share even as we're speaking now.
00:24:09.349 --> 00:24:18.709
In terms of that visibility both professionally when you're supporting people but internally can you talk a little bit more about that because I think that's something people don't understand.
00:24:18.789 --> 00:24:22.069
They think you've either got to say everything about everything or nothing.
00:24:22.309 --> 00:24:22.709
Yeah.
00:24:22.949 --> 00:24:39.909
But there's a middle isn't there there is I think you have to understand who you are and who you are outside of what other people's expectations of you are because I lived in those expectations and I felt like I was never able to to live up to them.
00:24:39.990 --> 00:24:40.149
Yeah.
00:24:40.470 --> 00:26:53.349
And so in terms of with visibility let's say from a personal point of view it's it's starting that journey of saying right okay if if I had no boundaries if I had no limitations who would Simon be and what would Simon like and love to do and I think it starts with that first and then and I feel like you won't be able to showcase your visibility for your business properly and fully until you know who you are yourself because especially as you know small business owners let's say like ourselves we are the face of the brand and this is what we talk a lot about to to people it's understanding that people are interested in us there's a million photographers there's a million web designers but actually when you're in the room who is the person that they're interacting with and so the main thing about my business is helping to elevate people's visibility online so that's through you know social media that's through your website that's through all those different areas and even kind of creating even through like photography and videography how you present yourself and like even with the master classes it's all about trying to encourage people to realise that it's not this huge thing there's tiny little steps that you can take to to get to from point A to point B and then when you get there to point C into point D to show people that it's actually attainable but it's breaking it down because if you think to yourself oh my gosh I've started from scratch you know I have to be someone let's say Stacy Solomon and she's a massive like influencer for women and stuff and then or you look at Holly Willoughby or you think I've got to get from here to here and it's like no they've had many years of building up and building up their presence online and showing people who they are and they've had to work hard and it's I always say right start with this it doesn't matter what the trends are saying it doesn't matter what people are saying oh Reemy should be posting at least once a day you know and then loads of people are like oh you should be posting five times five times a day and this it's like no it's the long game.
00:26:53.509 --> 00:26:57.189
Yeah disability is the long game so what can you do today?
00:26:57.429 --> 00:27:28.789
Yeah I think there was that analogy wasn't there with the film Back to the Future that you know we could all go back in time and change the future but we get to change the future today and I will always say this about difficult conversations if you've got you know the conversation that you started with your mother about your past your childhood and who you were was not one conversation is going to have been a series and some will have been more successful some less successful but when you put them all together you end up with a whole that actually maybe gives you some answers.
00:27:28.949 --> 00:27:42.549
No seeing visibility that way seeing life that way even seeing identity that way because your identity is the 42 year old man over 16 and a 14 year old husband of 21 years.
00:27:42.789 --> 00:27:47.750
But in 10 years time your identity might be very different.
00:27:47.990 --> 00:27:54.789
You might be a grandparent you'll be a more elder person you'll have been past your 50s who knows what you'll be doing.
00:27:54.949 --> 00:28:47.029
So that it's looking at it as a continuum and seeing it's just a whole series of difficult conversations it's a whole series of being open it's a whole series actually of intention and choosing the life that you want to have and lead isn't it really in definitely just to kind of speak for my mum as well like she looked after me she always wanted the best for me and you know she's the best she she did the best she could as as as she said you know and she was there even having those you know really hard conversations with my biological dad as well and and hearing his story and you know finding myself even in that and trying to figure out who I am as a let's say a new son as an adult and seeing that do you know what like both my biological parents were kids when they met me.
00:28:47.269 --> 00:29:15.589
Oh yeah you know and then you've got so much of even like the the complications and politics of black culture every single culture's got their own complications and stuff and so trying to navigate through all that and trying to understand that and pick that apart and try and understand it and then move forward and like I said the missing 80% and I will say 80% because I don't feel like I'm missing a part of myself now.
00:29:15.909 --> 00:29:33.349
And even though I'm not kind of dependent on either parent it's kind of like okay at least I know where I come from at least I know that even my dad's dad was was a businessman was quite a wealthy man and he had a haulage company in Jamaica and you know different things like that.
00:29:33.509 --> 00:29:39.029
So I'm starting to learn a little bit more about where I come from and different things like that.
00:29:39.269 --> 00:30:29.909
But coming back to the importance of regardless of whatever happens with the parents it's for them to understand and realize that you know what this child needs will need answers at some point in its life and I can understand as a kid there's only so much they can process but actually when they come to a certain age it's important to impart in them well this is where you come this is who your family are this this is this yeah etc I I completely there's a saying I don't know who said it that as parents we're the custodian of our children's childhood history and I'm very interested in I do think there's so much intergenerational trauma from your parents my parents and their grandparents knowing who we are from where we come from and where our parents came from for me has been transformational.
00:30:30.230 --> 00:30:48.389
Knowing who I am now knowing who I am on the way to becoming and you know fitting all of those pieces I think you know for me why I work in divorce and breakup and it's you know my dad raised me he was difficult but he raised me just like you say your mum your mother did and I honour him for that.
00:30:48.549 --> 00:30:48.789
Yes.
00:30:48.949 --> 00:31:01.429
But it is only since his passing that I've really understood that so much of what drives me is widely him and yet I would have been told I was like my mum even though she wasn't there.
00:31:01.509 --> 00:31:09.269
But do you know what we get to decide for ourselves Simon who we are and who we're like and we just need both parents to have a chance to do that really don't we?
00:31:09.509 --> 00:31:50.709
And and that's the thing and do you know what my psychotherapist was incredible for me because actually he really helped me work through all these different feelings of identity and then obviously the rejection and abandonment the anxiety the depression but understanding okay this is what your body's doing this is where it's coming from this is where your body stores it is how you start to deal with it and giving me some articles and some books to read on things it massively reduced the the anxiety in my life because you start having these feelings of trauma and then you start to feel anxiety and then you're like what the heck's going on and then that anxiety grows and grows and grows.
00:31:50.869 --> 00:32:13.349
So the trauma's here but then the anxiety keeps spiraling and spiralling and so you start having panic attacks and all this kind of stuff but since having you know sessions with with him within five months and this is my personal journey within five months I was off anti-anxiety medication and and everyone has to do that within their own way and stuff like that.
00:32:13.589 --> 00:32:34.549
But because he was starting to teach me about the fundamentals of who I actually am as a person what my rights are that the fact that how I think is actually valid and it's actually correct and it's you know I'm not breaking any laws like even the point of wanting to change my name I brought it up with him the one session I remember it like it was yesterday.
00:32:34.709 --> 00:32:42.869
And I was expecting him to say well you need to think about this that the other and he said well if that's how you identify then that's how that's what you should do.
00:32:43.029 --> 00:33:13.269
And it was like all of a sudden I was starting to be given permission to think and to validate as you said earlier all those thoughts and feelings my intuitions that had been bugging me for so long but I'd press down because it was like but I'll upset some but oh it's not the right thing to do and you're facing all this kind of opposition but I feel like through that psychotherapy I've started to explore who Simon is and I'm still it's only three years in it's a lot more liberating.
00:33:13.589 --> 00:33:37.109
Good it's so good to hear you say that and I hope I hope people listening to this are hearing that there is freedom there is liberation here there are you know the ability to explore and understand ourselves through these difficult conversations through recognizing validating and having our own experiences is crucial actually is crucial.
00:33:37.349 --> 00:33:55.109
So Simon I just want to say thank you today for appearing on my podcast and thank you for sharing so honestly and openly you know I with every podcast episode my always think there's one person somewhere who will hear it and go, I'm not alone with these thoughts.
00:33:55.189 --> 00:34:14.230
I'm not the only one who thinks this way so I feel certain that today there will be people I certainly hear you and others who will hear you because this message has to come out very superficial that actually a lot of this is internal and it's safe to go there with guidance, with help with support.
00:34:14.789 --> 00:34:22.230
But it's safe and it's a safer way to live because we we have access to our feelings which is just amazing is amazing.
00:34:22.309 --> 00:34:54.630
So if there was one little sentence that you would leave with anybody kind of about tackling this please talk to someone find someone and just start by saying I feel this find that person that you can talk to because you'll be surprised number one how much people love you and number two how how many other people are going through stuff as well and if we only realised that we wouldn't feel so isolated and alone so we'd start in that journey of just speaking to somebody.
00:34:54.949 --> 00:34:59.269
Thank you so much for sharing that and I completely echo what you're saying there.
00:34:59.429 --> 00:35:14.309
It is sometimes we think we can talk to our family but genuinely a stranger will see us sometimes in ways our family can't because there's no preconceptions there's no anything and that's where really good quality coaching psychotherapy counselling works.
00:35:14.550 --> 00:35:14.869
Yeah.
00:35:15.030 --> 00:35:19.030
So thank you so much Simon really appreciate you today.
00:35:19.269 --> 00:35:35.910
Take care of yourself Okay so my website is www dot alexandermedia dot com dot uk and then you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube and TikTok as at AlexMedia Creative.
00:35:36.150 --> 00:35:41.190
Alex Media Creative Excellent Thank you so much Simon You're welcome
