TRANSCRIPTION 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:08.400
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
00:00:08.640 --> 00:00:27.199
If you're here for the first time, you'll appreciate this episode because I'm going to talk about what failure to launch is, what it isn't, who it applies to, who it doesn't, how to look at it so it doesn't seem so stigmatizing, and then five suggestions that you can do to help your adult child move through it.
00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:35.840
If you've been listening for a while, then you're familiar with what failure to launch is, but I have never talked about it this way, and I think you'll love this.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:43.359
So let's take a deep breath together and lean into today's episode as I, what's the word?
00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:46.560
Deconstruct failure to launch.
00:00:46.799 --> 00:00:50.560
And I promise you'll walk away with hope and guidance.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:52.399
So let's get started.
00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:57.119
Several years ago I wrote a list of the 15 signs of failure to launch.
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:01.359
It's been downloaded thousands of times, and not because it's free.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:10.560
These are parents just like you who are quietly going through this, and although they feel very alone, it's actually happening all over the world.
00:01:10.799 --> 00:01:20.000
The link to this free resource is in the show notes and on my website under Free Resources, and it's also the very first episode I did.
00:01:20.239 --> 00:01:24.959
So let me begin with what failing to launch into adulthood is not.
00:01:25.519 --> 00:02:01.680
If your adult is working, studying, participating in chores, contributing to living expenses, being responsible, managing their own life, balancing their time efficiently, taking care of themselves, eating well, sleeping regular hours, engaging in physical activity, managing their emotions with maturity, communicating respectfully, has friends outside the house, is motivated, is discovering themselves, has some goals and perhaps a plan for their future.
00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:04.560
They are not failing to launch.
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:07.359
In fact, they're doing just fine.
00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:16.479
Not every day is perfect, and this list doesn't mean they have to be doing everything on it, but for the most part, that's what it means to be an adult.
00:02:16.639 --> 00:02:22.240
And if what I just said even remotely resembles their current life, I think they're doing pretty good.
00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:29.439
Now it might not be exactly what you wanted or expected for them, but you've got to let them experience life.
00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:32.960
So you keep your dreams away from theirs.
00:02:33.280 --> 00:02:36.800
By the way, did you notice I didn't mention living at home?
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:43.680
Because today that is not available to everyone, nor is it a prerequisite to living a full life.
00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:47.439
Here's who failing to launch does not apply to.
00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:54.639
An adult child with physical, mental, neurodevelopmental, or emotional health issues.
00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:59.840
I sincerely hope that they're under the care of a doctor and getting the proper treatment.
00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:05.680
If your son or daughter tells you or shows you signs that they're struggling, get them help.
00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:11.520
If they deny it or refuse treatment after being diagnosed, you've really got to manage that.
00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:14.000
Don't say you can't, please.
00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:16.560
They're under your roof and they aren't well.
00:03:16.800 --> 00:03:18.240
You've got leverage.
00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:24.960
Most importantly, they should never use their mental health as an excuse to live like a zombie in their room.
00:03:25.280 --> 00:03:26.400
Nor should you.
00:03:26.639 --> 00:03:31.199
In fact, the sooner you come to terms with this truth, the better you can manage it.
00:03:31.520 --> 00:03:34.000
Which brings me to this question.
00:03:34.240 --> 00:03:38.319
Why do some parents struggle with the term failure to launch?
00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:41.039
It's not a real medical issue.
00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:44.719
It's just a description of their current lifestyle.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:48.560
They are failing to launch into adulthood.
00:03:48.800 --> 00:03:51.759
Does the word failure make you uncomfortable?
00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:55.120
First of all, we're not telling them that they're failing.
00:03:55.280 --> 00:03:56.719
It's just between us.
00:03:56.960 --> 00:04:03.759
And many people actually want to identify the problem for what it is so they can find the solutions.
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:10.319
What irks me is when others call these adult children lost or stuck.
00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:17.040
I find these words are used to soften reality, but they actually don't describe the truth.
00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:21.279
In the literal sense, your adult child is neither lost nor stuck.
00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:30.800
They're in their bedroom, avoiding responsibility, remaining emotionally and financially dependent, and not making progress toward building an independent life.
00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:36.480
Calling them lost or stuck might make you feel better, but it won't make a difference in the long run.
00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:47.600
So I'll be honest and I'll tell you that I think these words are a cop out, and it's that gentle approach which has allowed these young adults to carry on this way for so long.
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:51.279
Oh, Johnny, he's just a little lost.
00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:52.959
He'll find his way soon.
00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:56.480
My Jenny, she's just stuck in the mud of life.
00:04:56.639 --> 00:05:00.240
We're hoping that she'll unstick herself when she's ready.
00:05:00.480 --> 00:05:03.360
My goodness, could we be any more pandering?
Load full transcript
00:05:03.839 --> 00:05:08.639
These words undermine the seriousness of this stage in your young person's life.
00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:11.439
There's so much that needs to be addressed.
00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.879
Lost and stuck, just don't cut it.
00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:18.399
Whereas the term failure to launch has roots.
00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:23.279
In fact, these issues have been around longer than most of your kids.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:27.759
Here's a quick history lesson, which I think you'll find interesting.
00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:33.439
Failure to launch may sound like a modern parenting problem, but it's not.
00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:55.759
They used terms like delayed transition to adulthood to describe their behavior.
00:05:56.079 --> 00:06:10.879
A few years later, similar patterns were being documented in North America, where sociologists and psychologists began noticing that young adults were also not hitting the traditional milestone markers of adulthood.
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:19.759
In the late 1990s, Japanese psychiatrist Tamaki Saito brought attention to a phenomenon called hikiki omori.
00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:31.199
He was seeing young people who had completely withdrawn from society, often staying isolated at home for months, even years, while remaining completely dependent on their families.
00:06:31.439 --> 00:06:39.279
What's so interesting is that this was happening on the other side of the world at the same time that researchers were studying it here.
00:06:39.600 --> 00:06:45.360
Different cultures were using different languages, but they were observing a similar challenge.
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:49.839
Young people who are having difficulty moving into adulthood.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:07:02.319
In 2000, psychologist Jeffrey Arnett introduced the term emerging adults to describe the period between adolescence and adulthood, roughly ages 18 to 29.
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:15.040
He stated that many young people were taking longer to establish careers, relationships, and independence, and viewed this as a normal stage of exploration and self-discovery.
00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:18.639
However, this is an important distinction.
00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:24.959
An emerging adult is figuring things out, maybe even changing directions.
00:07:25.120 --> 00:07:31.279
It's a period of self-exploration, but they are heading toward independence.
00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:36.800
Whereas failure to launch describes a young adult whose progress has stalled.
00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:38.639
They aren't emerging.
00:07:38.879 --> 00:07:45.839
They're not exploring careers, traveling the world, trying new things, or actively in search of themselves.
00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:48.560
They're often doing the exact opposite.
00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:56.639
They're withdrawing, avoiding responsibility, remaining financially dependent, and putting adulthood on hold.
00:07:57.040 --> 00:08:00.480
Emerging adults are not failing to launch.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:10.240
After the 2006 movie starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker, the phrase failure to launch became much more widely recognized in pop culture.
00:08:10.399 --> 00:08:21.199
The movie introduced the idea of young adults who were comfortable staying dependent on their parents, not being responsible, and had little motivation to build an independent life of their own.
00:08:21.439 --> 00:08:23.759
In more recent years, Dr.
00:08:23.920 --> 00:08:28.160
Mark McConville has contributed significantly to this issue.
00:08:28.319 --> 00:08:43.919
In his 2020 book, Failure to Launch, Why Your Twenty Something Hasn't Grown Up and What to Do About It, he explores the psychological and family dynamics behind why some young adults have difficulty moving towards independence.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:46.320
In fact, I'm actually having Dr.
00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:55.919
McConville join me on the podcast next month to dive deeper into why this happens and what parents need to understand to help their young adults move forward.
00:08:56.080 --> 00:09:00.320
I hope you're a subscriber to launch so you won't miss the episode when it drops.
00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:02.080
So here's the takeaway.
00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:06.720
Failure to launch has been around longer than most of your kids.
00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:12.559
This is not a new and taboo concept, so please don't be ashamed of the term.
00:09:12.720 --> 00:09:22.000
It's not a permanent label that defines who your young adult is, and most importantly, it's not saying that they have failed as a person.
00:09:22.480 --> 00:09:29.759
It's just describing a pattern of delayed progress toward adulthood, and it can be temporary.
00:09:30.399 --> 00:09:36.799
Just like a chapter in a book, this is a part of their story and nowhere near the end.
00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:43.600
But to move past this stage, to turn the page, it does require intervention.
00:09:44.000 --> 00:09:54.480
As we get close to wrapping up, I hope that I've given you something to think about, and as with all episodes, I'd like to leave you with five tangible suggestions that you can work with.
00:09:54.720 --> 00:09:55.600
So here we go.
00:09:55.840 --> 00:10:01.039
Number one, no more minimizing or making excuses for their current lifestyle.
00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:03.519
They aren't simply lost or stuck.
00:10:03.679 --> 00:10:05.919
They aren't even emerging adults.
00:10:06.080 --> 00:10:10.399
They are choosing to stay in the safest, most comfortable place.
00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:14.080
What is keeping them from moving forward is fear.
00:10:14.320 --> 00:10:18.559
Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of the unknown.
00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:27.600
You have an adult child who is afraid to grow up, and it's time you see it for what it is and stop allowing this to carry on.
00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:32.320
Number two, change the dynamic of your relationship.
00:10:32.559 --> 00:10:36.399
Whatever is going on right now
between the two of you has to evolve.
00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:39.679
Your relationship needs to become more honest.
00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:44.320
Connect with them, have regular conversations that are meaningful and engaging.
00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:51.840
Not just when will you get a job, but what would you like to do with your life if you weren't afraid to fail?
00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:55.360
That's one of my favorite questions to ask young adults.
00:10:55.600 --> 00:11:01.679
To start connecting with your son or daughter, take an interest in what they like, what they want, and who they are.
00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:04.480
They'll be surprised at first, but they'll like it.
00:11:04.720 --> 00:11:10.720
Have conversations about their goals, their values, their future, and what kind of life they want to build.
00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:14.320
Connection has to come before correction.
00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:22.000
They need a parent who is emotionally invested in them, who believes in their ability and isn't afraid to let them know.
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:28.799
Number three, stop doing for your young adult what they are capable of doing for themselves.
00:11:29.039 --> 00:11:37.919
Stop making their appointments, stop managing their responsibilities, stop cleaning up their messes, and stop removing every obstacle from their path.
00:11:38.159 --> 00:11:41.120
They need to become responsible for their own life.
00:11:41.440 --> 00:11:47.039
This will help them overcome their insecurities and develop self-confidence and self-efficacy.
00:11:47.279 --> 00:11:55.039
Every time you step in and do something they could have done for themselves, you're sending the message, I don't think you're capable.
00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:58.000
And then you wonder why they aren't doing anything.
00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:03.279
Number four, don't be afraid to set and uphold consequences.
00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:06.000
Your adult child needs a push.
00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:09.840
They need some skin in the game, and that's what consequences do.
00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:13.519
For example, if you continue gaming all day, then this will happen.
00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:16.159
If you choose not to work, then that will happen.
00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:19.600
If you're not contributing to the household, and so on.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:22.960
Consequences, my friend, are not punishments.
00:12:23.120 --> 00:12:28.399
They help your young adult understand that their choices have outcomes.
00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:31.519
Being an adult is full of them.
00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:36.399
Your job is to not make life easier so they never struggle.
00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:44.879
Your job is to help create the consequences and conditions where they learn that they are capable of handling life.
00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:49.519
And number five, become the parent they need now.
00:12:50.159 --> 00:12:51.919
Look at your adult child.
00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:56.000
Do you see someone who is capable but just wasting time?
00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:58.559
They need to know you believe in them.
00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:04.879
They don't need you to manage their life and rescue them from every mistake or keep lowering the bar.
00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:08.720
They need a parent who tells them they are capable of doing more.
00:13:08.879 --> 00:13:16.320
A parent who is willing to have difficult conversations, set healthy boundaries, and lovingly hold them accountable.
00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:23.600
Your job is not to parent a child, it is to help launch an adult.
00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:27.919
I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
00:13:28.320 --> 00:13:31.919
Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:34.799
Please share this with someone who would benefit from it.
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:43.919
And if you really do love listening to Launch, leaving a review really helps us to get in front of more parents who also want to help their adults grow.
00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:46.879
As always, thank you for being here.