TRANSCRIPTION 🔗
speaker-0: Hi there, I'm Pastor Toot Whitley and this is Conversion Therapy, a podcast where I help lost lambs back to the heterosexual pasture. In fact, I used to be the orgy coordinator for a furry cruise called The Pound, where I'd instruct dozens of yiffing gay men dressed as dogs in a game of fetch that devolved into group sex. Now the only boat full of animals I'm concerned with is Noah's Ark. If I can get straight, so can you. And so can our guest. Please open your hearts to gay Lorena Roosey. Hi there, Lorena, so happy to have you here.
speaker-1: Thanks so much for for having me in this ⁓ Church student. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's really nice. ⁓ Yeah. Okay. Why'd you why'd you pick Saint Paul?
speaker-0: Basement. St. Paul's church basement. Well it's this is the this is the church that I that I preach at sometimes. ⁓ Saint Paul's pretty ⁓ important in our culture. You know, it's so crazy. I feel so connected to you, but this is the first time we've ever met.
speaker-1: ⁓ okay, yeah, good for you. Well, thanks for having me. Yeah. I'm not really a religious type, so I'm a little
speaker-0: That's okay. You don't need to convert. It's more that the school of conversion therapy happens very often within a Catholic context. You know, we're we're all about helping the needy. And so this is you entering ⁓ this place just as a as a as a needy vagrant, ⁓ hoping to be brought into the kingdom of heaven from your sinful ways. But there's we're not trying to convert you here, don't worry. Okay. We we invite people of all stars and stripes.
speaker-1: No, that's good. That's exciting. I think I've been wanting to convert for a while and I just ⁓ haven't really found the right people to convert with
speaker-0: Absolutely. You tried you tried other religions first, is that what you're saying? I
speaker-1: I tried other religions, and th they were phew, ⁓ you know Yeah, Judaism won't have me. It's really that they won't take
speaker-0: Yeah. They had a wig over that hair.
speaker-1: That's right. I actually didn't think of it that way. ⁓ that makes me feel so much better about myself. I thought it was my personal it's yeah.
speaker-0: So you couldn't do that one. Well listen, I'm sure there's plenty of problems with your personality too, but we'll get to those. Not not your That's In the eyes of the Lord, everyone's a beautiful ⁓ sheep, just waiting to be led back to pasture. I mean more because you're homosexual, I'm sure there are things that there are wrong with your personality.
speaker-1: Okay. Well that's sort of a fen Sure. Okay, I mean I think there's a another way of saying that, you know. You also called me a needy vagrant. I don't
speaker-0: You don't get that a lot.
speaker-1: No, I don't r you know, that's sort of it felt a little offensive. I mean, maybe it's more ⁓ biblical is that a biblical term, the needy a needy vagrant? Is that a character? That's just you saw me.
speaker-0: There's a trope in the in the Bible of a needy vagrant. Yep. Yeah, sure. Just make as much noise as you'd like, right in the microphone. Just rustle around.
speaker-1: Sorry, it's just hot in here. Yeah, this is
speaker-0: Well, I mean I'm hoping to save you from option number two today. You know, I don't want I don't want you to die get into purgatory. Yeah. ⁓ be at ⁓ the pearly gates and say what's behind door number two? Mm, Satan in hell. You know? We're gonna keep you far from that if we can. And I understand that this journey can be very difficult for many people, so I am happy that you're here today. You've decided to start your journey with us. No, please go ahead.
speaker-1: Yeah. I mean No, I just, you know, maybe we got off to the wrong start, but ⁓ and I I think I just ex I didn't expect you'd have such a tiny head and so
speaker-0: You know, I I'm a reformed homosexual. My head used to be much bigger when I was gay. Yeah, by the time you come get out of here, your hair's gonna be s pinned straight. Yeah. And we're gonna see what's really going on under there. Interesting. Yeah, I mean just for the audience at home, ⁓ Lorena has ⁓ a massive sort of tuft of curly hair cascading her shoulders.
speaker-1: ⁓ is that ⁓ okay. Okay. Yeah. That's interesting. And and again, there's most people compliment my hair and yet you have found a way to sort of ⁓ in insult as
speaker-0: I think that your hair, ⁓ is very beautiful, but it does seem to be the source of your homosexual prowess.
speaker-1: Okay. Well and how about this? Your hair can go fuck itself 'cause ⁓ sorry, Dennis the men is called and ⁓ he wants his wig back.
speaker-0: I'm sensing a very antagonistic energy from me.
speaker-1: You No, no. I just ⁓ I'm I'm trying to keep up with Needy Vagrant, you know. And remind me of your name again. What was it? Tootsie Tootsie Willie?
speaker-0: Okay, I understand that ⁓
speaker-1: Sorry, sorry. Sorry, remind me your name again. It's ⁓ Hitch McCutcheon. What is it?
speaker-0: It's Toot Whitley.
speaker-1: Well, you look like you watched the Gilmore Girls.
speaker-0: Okay. Okay, let's you entered into this program willingly. I understand that perhaps I led with I'm sorry. ⁓ too harsh a criticism and I can accept that and I do apologize for that because honestly, we're having you here today because we want to lead you into the kingdom of the Lord. We wanna make you feel comfortable. No, it's toot. Toot. Mm, like a trumpet.
speaker-1: Yeah, I'm sorry, Glenn. I didn't mean to It's toot. Like a fart? Well I love that instrument.
speaker-0: Thank you. I was curious, how gay would you say you are on a scale from Meghan McCain to Megan Rapino?
speaker-1: Yeah. I would say Megan Rapino, yeah, pretty pretty gay. Yeah. I used to play ⁓ soccer professionally, so Megan is actually a good
speaker-0: All the way. ⁓ wow, yeah, I d I did see that in your file. I'm sure that contributed to your homosexuality.
speaker-1: Yeah, def I mean, you know, being around so many conts will do that too.
speaker-0: I guess it's tough
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to be playing with ⁓ female athletes. I mean I'm a firm believer that female sports are gorgeous but they should not be televised. Because they might entice others into a more sinful line of thinking. Lesbians, I mean. I hear lesbians particularly like to watch
speaker-1: Well you're saying women's sports is too hot to watch. So when you watch it you're
speaker-0: For lesbians, yeah. I don't feel a thing. It's like you know what I feel down there? I feel like when you sit down on the toilet but the lid is accidentally closed. You know, and you sit down and it's sort of cold pressed up against the tank. Just sort of a Have I peed in my life?
speaker-1: Yeah. Have you ever peed? Have you ever seen Well yes Well Tootsie, I'd like to finish the question.
speaker-0: It's ten
speaker-1: Is it it's two. It sounds like you're not even sure. Okay. Well my what I was trying to get my clarifying question was ⁓ have you ever sat
speaker-0: No, I'm sure. ⁓ Have I ever said? You could act have I ever sat to paint.
speaker-1: No, have you ever sat to pee on the lid and started peeing and peed the lid?
speaker-0: No, I just sit on the lid, recognize that the lid is down. Yeah, I mean I don't know if that's necessarily homosexual. I think that's just a you issue. I don't know if we can help you with that.
speaker-1: Yeah, me neither. Well, I guess that's not why I came here. I was just trying to relate to you. When I watch women's sports, ⁓ what I feel is excitement and ⁓ passion, but it sounds like you feel nothing.
speaker-0: But that's not why you came here with. For me, I can enjoy it from the sense of ⁓ enjoying, you know, ⁓ athletes do the thing that they are good at doing, but I don't think it should be televised because I think it promotes homosexuality in our in our young girls. And as we know, you know, I'm a reformed homosexual. I've lived that life and I've decided I've decided to move towards the light. And that's what you're doing here today too. I'm a shepherd.
speaker-1: Yeah, you're a lamb helping out the sheep. What was You're the shepherd.
speaker-0: Yeah, I mean Jesus is the Lord is our shepherd, ⁓ quite frankly. But I'm helping lost lambs. Assistant in shepherd Assistant Shepherd, I guess. Assistant shepherd. Lamb. Lost. Lost. Yeah, and we're trying to bring you back to the heterosexual pasture.
speaker-1: So your assistant who And I'm a l I'm a land who's lost. When I and so when I'm found, I'm just a lamb.
speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. You'll do a lamb do I get promoted. No, I mean you could join the the Brotherhood, the peak priesthood, and then that would lead you up the ladder to maybe assistant shepherd, maybe maybe you could So Mm, yeah. Gay people are animals. Straight people are human.
speaker-1: It goes animal to human. Okay.
speaker-0: So it says here in my files that you grew up in Queens, New York. Yeah. Do you think that contributed to ⁓ you becoming a queen?
speaker-1: I did. I I mean I guess probably yes. ⁓ t tut ⁓ no. Where is that from? What great. yeah, I I think growing up in Queens you grew up there's a lot of marginalized folks, there's a lot of different kinds of representation. yeah, I think I just was surrounded by queers. All my friends in New York are queer.
speaker-0: Sure. Family name. Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that.
speaker-1: Yeah, I mean, you know, it is it is what it is. I guess I'm I am just here because I'm really I'm just tired of the community. But ⁓ you know, I I was really thankful for it growing up.
speaker-0: Mm. Well actually I wanna hear more about that. ⁓ wha what are you looking most forward to about being straight since you're having trouble with the community? Many. Many. It's important to me to kind of understand where you're coming from so we can get you where you're going. I'm trying to gauge where we're starting this journey. No? G A G E.
speaker-1: What What questions do you have on that clip? spell G A Y though. Have you ever thought of that? Also interesting, you you could only could you not afford more ⁓ crosses?
speaker-0: Mm, but it's not. Well, I just figured it should be on my side 'cause I'm holy and you're still on your journey.
speaker-1: Can you repeat the question?
speaker-0: Uh-huh. What are you most looking forward to about being straight?
speaker-1: I think just significantly less administrative work. I think being queer, it's a lot of admin. It's a lot of scheduling. It's a lot of ⁓ applying medicine. I just would really like to ⁓ stop listening ⁓ and just do basic not have to do extra work.
speaker-0: You know, I'd say a huge part about being straight is not listening. So that's great. We're on that Pardon me? What'd you say?
speaker-1: You haven't been listening this whole time, basically. It's
speaker-0: Something very interesting about you is that I think you're gonna succeed on this journey. When you first came in, you know, you came in with this swagger that that certain lesbians have. And I think if you really believe in your ability to change, yeah, that you'll rid yourself of that and you'll leave here less confident than you've ever been, which is sort of important in being a straight woman.
speaker-1: ⁓ okay, yeah. Yeah, I I have to get better at surrendering, you know. And I I will say I I am sorry again for how we started. I mean, I just I saw you and looking at you just made me wanna hit you in the head as hard as possible. Yeah, I'm not surprised. ⁓ I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the how misproportioned your head is to your to your body or that, you know, it looks like you have a wig under a wig.
speaker-0: Possible.
speaker-1: it sort of actually c I actually can't believe you walked out of here.
speaker-0: I sense that you're deflecting a lot. You're focusing on me.
speaker-1: ⁓ I'm just sorry. I guess the point of that was I I wanted to ⁓ never see you again as soon as I saw you and then now I'm I am just trying to surrender. You're right, maybe you're right. I am just I It's high stress,
you know. I I think a lot of my queer friends are gonna be disappointed and ⁓
speaker-0: It's a nerve wracking experience. I don't blame it. ⁓ really? What do you think your queer friends might say when they hear you're you're undergoing this journey?
speaker-1: I just think my queer friends are gonna be like, What? You're so gay. What do you mean? You're gonna be straight and I just I want peace in my life. ⁓ you know, I have I have one friend. I have you know, I'm friends with a couple of ⁓ drag queens and they they're gonna really that's not gonna be fun when they read me.
speaker-0: What do you think they might say? ⁓ yeah, I'm a reformed homosexual.
speaker-1: You know, you look ⁓ familiar. Did you ever audition for RuPaul's drag race?
speaker-0: I was one of the of the pit crew. It was ⁓ it was me in there.
speaker-1: Wow. How many years were you doing that for?
speaker-0: Mm, about three years. Wore my little jock strap. Yeah. And my head shaven to a faux hop.
speaker-1: What was RuPaul like?
speaker-0: Really kind. Love to frack. Two things by Ruby.
speaker-1: Right. He loves to frack. He loves to frack. Mm-hmm. ⁓ famously I think just married to one. God, I forgot about the fracking.
speaker-0: Mm-hmm. But you said that I know drag queens you know, weed. What do you think they might say about you? They maybe say something like weird out Weird Al Yankovic bitch.
speaker-1: Yeah, they might say something like that. Really came to you really
speaker-0: They could. They might say they might say Skinny Body Bobble head looking like a Tootsie Pop dropped in dirt bitch. They maybe say that?
speaker-1: Yeah, they'd probably they'd probably
speaker-0: You bring out a side in me that I haven't felt in years. ⁓ and it's and I don't like it.
speaker-1: Okay, well I'm sorry about that.
speaker-0: Thank you for apologizing for my behavior. You're already on the road to being a straight woman.
speaker-1: Well, I mean I would just like to say the j I mean the drag queens, they'll not only read me, they'd probably read you, you know. 'Cause they'd be like, Who who did this to you? Was it that bumbling ass fucking bleach? Nailed it.
speaker-0: It's almost like the drag queens that were insulting you were more talented than the drag queens that are insulting me. Like we got different drag queens. Levels of comedic prowess.
speaker-1: Wait, This is you know what, do you think they would say I think the drag queens would not only read me, but they'd probably also read you and everything you said felt really right. So then they would say that and then look at you and they'd be like, I'm sorry, you trusted this Draco Malfoy looking wizard with your shit and I'd be like, Yeah, I did. Well Draens the the drag queens reading you only had a opportunity to do one and you know.
speaker-0: And it's in
speaker-1: Interesting 'cause the rule of threes was never hit any
speaker-0: I guess we made three together 'cause I did two and you did one. So that's true.
speaker-1: ⁓ so you're you're gonna did they teach you math in the ministry?
speaker-0: No, in school, the regular school that I attended. ⁓ absolutely. I would
speaker-1: ⁓ you did go to school. Your eyes look like it's so hard. That's that's crazy because when you look at me when you look at me, it's like I don't know where he is.
speaker-0: I'm looking through you because I'm trying to find the soul that I'm trying to save.
speaker-1: ⁓ okay. Because it really looks a little bit like w I don't think it's like a a focus thing. I actually think it's just such so it's like it's like you're saying on the side you it it's interesting that you think I'm lost because looking at you, you look lost as hell in the face, you know. ⁓ really? Like you're wearing contact ⁓ you're wearing glasses, but it's like can you s you know, I just huh. Okay, so you can do math. That's
speaker-0: What? I can do a lot of math. But that's not what we're here to do today.
speaker-1: What's sixteen plus eight?
speaker-0: Twenty-four.
speaker-1: Yeah. Okay. What's ⁓ eight times eight?
speaker-0: Fifty six? I'm not sure. Well that makes too much.
speaker-1: Like I was gonna say sixty four, but I think you're right. I think it's eight times ⁓ what's when we know? Eight times four is thirty two. Eight times five is forty.
speaker-0: I think you're right. I think it's sixty four. 8 times 4 32, 32 plus 32 is 64. You're right. Okay. I had the right math. You had the right answer. And you know what? I hope that that's a reflection of our experience today. Yeah. We might be coming from different places, but ultimately, we're getting to the same sum. It's too widely. ⁓ okay. What do you think will be the hardest thing to let go about being gay? You know, this is gonna be a tough journey. You've been gay for a long time.
speaker-1: Yeah. Mackenzie, I'm really sorry. ⁓ I think I'm gonna miss ⁓ we've talked about this a little bit, but I think just the sports. Like it is a major part of my life and it's a major part of the community. You know, there's
speaker-0: I mean you can you can still play, you just can't have anybody witness it, including the players. So you can play but you just gotta wear a blindfold. Everybody on the field gotta wear a blindfold.
speaker-1: So I have to wear a blindfold and the other people I'm playing with. What if it's a co ed situation? So the men know blindfold, the women blindfold. Mm-hmm. Okay.
speaker-0: No blindfold. That could be fun. Yep.
speaker-1: I mean that's sort like Paralympics, they do that with people with more impaired vision. They wear blindfolds to play. ⁓ wow. Yeah. There's par Paralympics are great. ⁓ shut up ⁓ they're not out now, but I would highly recommend watching.
speaker-0: Is that true? Yeah, well I guess then we just put all women's sports in the Paralympics.
speaker-1: Well that's not exactly what I'm saying. But yeah. Yeah. Well, that's just a little you know.
speaker-0: I do wanna get back to one thing. You said that ⁓ you
were really frustrated with all the administrative work of being a queer person, which I can totally relate to, but I mean it sounds like you were doing a fair amount of paperwork specifically. What kind of administration work are you looking to to avoid?
speaker-1: think there's an element of like, you know, ⁓ like the trans community gotta you know, you gotta give yourself testosterone. There's the gel, which I've heard is you but I just ⁓ people are chopping the tits and I support I love. But I ⁓ you don't know why? Well I mean just foundationally s it gives a lot of people back pain.
speaker-0: I know why anyone would do that.
speaker-1: But then it's like very gender affirming to just
speaker-0: ⁓ maybe then I should get my big dump truck ass removed. thought I thought trans people were just doing that, ⁓ because of w the things they believed about gender, which of course we both understand are completely false. But if they're doing it to help their physical health, then I guess I should get my big fat, big juicy, big dump truck, juicy big ass cut off.
speaker-1: Well, I don't rem recommend that to 'cause then you won't be able to w walk.
speaker-0: Well, I could just get it cut off, it's not like but my legs are still there.
speaker-1: Well, no, your ass gives you balance. ⁓ it also sounds like you don't understand the concept of ⁓ surgery.
speaker-0: Okay, you wanna explain it to me?
speaker-1: Well I mean
speaker-0: Explain ass surgery to me.
speaker-1: Well I imagine it'd be like the movie Me. Did you ever watch Me? Yeah. I believe you auditioned for it, but I
speaker-0: Meat, ⁓ E A T? Yeah. No, that's called Fresh. The movie Meat, what have you been watching? Honey? I ain't never seen meat. But there was a time in my life where I wish I did.
speaker-1: Yeah. There's a movie called Fresh, which I sobbed after. I don't do well with scary movies. Watch. They are hard to watch. ⁓ they're so popular now in the movie theaters though. Not the point. Anyway, she couldn't really walk after your ass is ⁓ gives you balance. You can't just get your dumb truck. I mean, do you not like your butt? You're just saying it would help your if you got rid of it it'd help your head.
speaker-0: ⁓ yeah. They're hard to watch. No, I think it's great. I mean, you said it hurts my back. I don't give that anymore.
speaker-1: You don't give that anymore?
speaker-0: Head. In any case, administrative work around queerness is very tough. I understand why you get away from that. So to get an idea of how far you've strayed from God's light, we're gonna do a couple of exercises. Okay. This is called word at a time phrase. I'm gonna start off a sentence with a word, I'm gonna go back and forth saying one word at a time until we complete a phrase together. I'll say the first word to get us started. Again, I'm just trying to gauge where you are. So whatever your answer is, is the right answer. Okay. Okay. Women Fuck. People.
speaker-1: Yeah. Fuck.
speaker-0: Man.
speaker-1:
Fuck.
speaker-0: Okay, I guess n that phrase was not particularly homosexual, but it was a bit crass. Okay, let's do a da another one. Good. Yeah, we're headed in the right direction. God
speaker-1: Okay so that's good. great, okay, yeah. Fucks.
speaker-0: You know, I'm gonna let's try a different second word. That's fair. But I understand w you know, I asked you to do knee jerk, so I don't blame you. I don't blame you. That's okay. I'll God
speaker-1: I'll get here.
speaker-0: Really gripping that bottom lip. Do you see where that went wrong? It's okay. I know you're trying. Okay, so let's we'll move to the next one. Maybe we'll get some better Pride. Well, so we're gonna try and form a full phrase. Pride Sinful. Fuck.
speaker-1: Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, here we go. Great. Is
speaker-0: Okay, we're gonna move to the next one.
speaker-1: Okay. That was almost a senders though. All right. Okay. ⁓
speaker-0: Yeah. Okay, here we go. Okay. Bless house the owned my wife. Okay. We were really close. I think maybe I should have just stopped when we were ahead.
speaker-1: That over Hill by Y. Yeah. Yeah, it felt like you were gonna stop and then you had a twinkle in your eye like Yeah. It's also hard to tell 'cause again your eye focus. Is it a twinkle? Are you having a s a stroke? You don't have double astigma astigmatism. ⁓ it 'cause it looks like you're full of astigmatism. Like it's like you have s so Okay. You have such a harsh astigmatism. It's like a double. It's almost like your eye is fighting itself to
speaker-0: Yeah. ⁓ I think my eyes are pretty normal. I do, but I'm wearing glasses.
speaker-1: Be able to s to be able to both see and not see it all.
speaker-0: I do find it hard to look at someone who's clearly so gay. Maybe that's it. Okay. Singing ⁓ Church is
speaker-1: Yeah, maybe that's it. In Fun.
speaker-0: Very good. See, I know you don't look particularly pleased at your own answer, but that was really great.
speaker-1: I'm trying, toots. I'm just ⁓ I'm try. Toot. ⁓ I'm trying. I'm just I'm having a tough time. I don't know. I just maybe this was a mistake. No.
speaker-0: And you did a really great job. ⁓ I think this is the exact right thing to do.
speaker-1: I just sorry when my friend recommend I had I have a I have a twin and ⁓ she recommended ⁓ this place to me and she also recommended that I tell you that I that I'm I'm my twin.
speaker-0: Wow. Tell me that you're your twin.
speaker-1: Yeah, I'm not Lorena. I'm Lorena's twin. Verena. Verena.
speaker-0: Name. Okay, Farina. So your twin told you to say that you're your twin, so does that mean that you do have a twin named Lorena out there somewhere? And you sort of parent trapped me?
speaker-1: And so I'm just ⁓ Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, I I didn't mean to ⁓ lie to you. The runoff
speaker-0: That's okay. I just feel bad I mean feels like everything would stay virtually the same. I should have just called you Ferena. 'Cause is Ferena also gay? Okay, so well Ferena. I'll just call you Ferena and that's about the end of that.
speaker-1: Yeah. You can just refer to me as for Yeah. Yeah, I I guess so. Okay. Here here I here I thought it was gonna be a bigger deal. You're taking it really well. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you. I that's why I've been so so mean. Hey, your head is is actually quite lar it's actually so large. I don't know why I said it was small.
speaker-0: Okay? Seem so guilty. I That's okay. Listen, I I understand that conversion therapy can be difficult. I underwent it myself. Okay, well Ferena, let's see how you do moving forward now that you have that off your chest. Okay, so again, word at a time phrase. Crucifixion. I guess I was sort of foolish to think anything different would happen. Okay, we have a couple more and we could see if we could turn a corner.
speaker-1: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. Fuck. Is blessed here and
speaker-0: Church A Place.
speaker-1: Are you okay, mister?
speaker-0: Totally fine. I just had to sneeze and I thought I could hold it and sort of came out anyway. I didn't shit. I don't know, Farina. I don't know. I did not shit.
speaker-1: ⁓ Did you shit yourself? What's that smell? So for the listener, ⁓ Toot looks a little uncomfortable. Toot is sitting on ⁓ his chair in a way that looks like a small turd would be underneath him. He is two centimeters taller ⁓ in his chair and his head looking large as large as life over here. Did you ever have to like hold did it's a third person have to hold your head with how large it was?
speaker-0: A third person who's the second Assuming my own neck and shoulders is the first. Okay, you know what? We're gonna go we're gonna move to another exercise. Yeah, it's good. That's fine. We're gonna move to the second exercise. It's called Finish This Bible quote. Okay. So I'm gonna say the beginning of a famous Bible quote, and you finish it the best that you can. Okay. And it's okay if you don't know these quotes, just finish them how you think they might finish or how you think they should be finished.
speaker-1: This is why I quit it. We've been doing this for twenty eight minutes. All right.
speaker-0: We must obey God rather than
speaker-1: Suck and
speaker-0: Suck and okay, not the correct quote, but you didn't necessarily say suck women, so I guess it's kinda neutral. We're headed in the right direction.
speaker-1: What do we think? Okay. I'm sort of spiking the camera. This is like the office. Mm-hmm.
speaker-0: Why don't you give me your best Jim? Where are you?
speaker-1: Why don't you give me your best desk? Huh? I feel like the character you'd play the best on the show is the desk.
speaker-0: Desk You don't like me.
speaker-1: No, I'm j ⁓ again, I'm sorry. I'm just I came in here pretending to be my sister. It's a
speaker-0: Okay, Ferena, you can be yourself here. You can be yourself to the extent that you are straight. Anything else is bad and shouldn't be brought in here. Okay. Okay, next quote. Love you. Absolutely.
speaker-1: Well,
do you like me? I like ⁓ Because you had a couple of backhanders yourself.
speaker-0: all's fair in the play between two people who used to be gay or were trying to be straight. You know, you remember in the queer community, that's the way we kinda egged each other on. I was just trying to show you a nice warm welcome. I never said that.
speaker-1: by calling me a cunt. You said it with your astigmatism eyes.
speaker-0: Again, you think there's something going on with my eyes? ⁓
speaker-1: I'm concerned. When did d have you gone a checkup just in j ⁓ general?
speaker-0: Of course I go to a Christian doctor and he checks my eyes. He knocks on my head three times and asks if the man who lives inside my ears is still awake. And he was.
speaker-1: What's your what's your doctor's name? Really got you?
speaker-0: Doctor Pepper. Not associated with the soda.
speaker-1: Yeah, I didn't even I didn't even go there. But yeah. No relation okay.
speaker-0: No relationship. Great. Okay, next quote. Fear God and keep his love. That's not the right answer, but that's really good. Because keep his commandments, but that's essentially his love. These are from the Bible? These are genuinely from the Bible, yes.
speaker-1: Okay. From the Wow. Yeah. I haven't read the Bible since I was a kid. My family raised me Catholic for a little. Not well, but I had I went to Sunday school.
speaker-0: You read the Bible. That's still great. That's really good. Not a lot of people who come through these doors have even experienced that much. I gotta send you to Doctor Pepper.
speaker-1: Well. ⁓ how's your shit inside of you? Did you Did you end up shitting yourself? Okay.
speaker-0: How's my shit inside of me? I actually didn't. Okay. It's hard to believe. Next quote Show me your ways, Lord. Teach me your
speaker-1: Ways.
speaker-0: It's paths, but okay. That works. Okay. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Really good. Really good. ⁓ my gosh. Genuinely very good. Yeah. Okay. Wow There's all there's And you'd be surprised how many we're gonna go through. I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with
speaker-1: Okay. Things below. Okay. Yeah. ⁓ Yeah. Well no, this is not King Cole. This will be an everlasting love. This will
speaker-0: Nope. Well this might come as a shock to you, but the terms everlasting love can exist in many contexts. This one perhaps
speaker-1: For me. And actually what I just sang was not that King Cole. I'm getting cancelled.
speaker-0: I thought you were referencing Sunday kinda love, which also was a Nat King. That is. And Uncancelled You Are.
speaker-1: No, that's out of James. I don't know that you're the person that can uncancel me. You can make me straight. I don't know that you can
speaker-0: We have our work cut out for us. Luckily, I've invited a friend and heterosexuality expert, Vanessa Thygap, to join us after this short break. Hi, sorry I'm late. I was doing a clinical trial for the new Zempit called Explosion, where if you eat over eight hundred calories in a day, the chip in your neck explodes in ten nights. So it's like
speaker-1: You're only allowed to eat a hundred calories and then ⁓ eight y I mean ⁓ that sounds low to me.
speaker-0: Eight hundred. Yeah. And when it be really skinny. So skinny I could go under the door.
speaker-1: ⁓ that's an interesting goal. Yeah. Huh. My goal is, you know, get a six pack. And you wanna be your goal is to get so skinny you can go under the
speaker-0: Yeah, I want to disappear. That's the job of a woman. What's your name again? Rosie?
speaker-1: My n my name is ⁓ so I was Lorena, but I actually am my twin sister Forena.
speaker-0: Okay. ⁓ I'm gonna ask a tiger.
speaker-1: I actually would sorry, I'd like to take a second to reveal that, ⁓ I am actually Lorana.
speaker-0: Do you have a twin? So it's just been you the whole time. Any particular reason you wanted to go by Ferada?
speaker-1: I have a twin. I yeah. I j I I ⁓ panicked. ⁓ I just I I need to be straight and I ⁓
speaker-0: You thought Ferrand maybe was the way to get there?
speaker-1: Yeah, I mean yeah I don't need judgment from you. Your your your dream is to hide under a slip under a door like a cartoon.
speaker-0: Yeah. I don't need to hide. I'm proud of who I am. Vanessa Figap.
speaker-1: And your name is the Nasiga. Mm-hmm. ⁓ do you go by anything? Do you have any nicknames? Mm-hmm.
speaker-0: Mm mostly people call me Vanessa Fag.
speaker-1: The full name. Uhhuh. Okay. Well, Vanessa Thigap, I'm I'm here to learn. Okay.
speaker-0: Amazing. ⁓ I hear that you've been having trouble, you know, like connecting to your divine feminine. But we're gonna get you safe from hell in no time. Don't you worry, girlfriend. Okay, great. Okay. ⁓ it sounds like you've been str are you okay? You a little sick?
speaker-1: No, I just I I I don't know, I'm just coughing here. I think the church basement Yeah, it's like someone hasn't cleaned here in years or de you know. Yeah, you had a layer of dust.
speaker-0: ⁓ it's dusty down here, yeah. Yeah, there's a there is an accumulation Yeah. I he I sit down here sometimes. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah, I pray. I sit down here and I pray. Mm. Sometimes it's for so long. Mm. Just long enough for my, you know, husband to get home from the motel where I've tracked his location and he's meeting with his, ⁓ twenty three year old intern named Lexi.
speaker-1: You just say? Mm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, I can I can relate to that. Mm-hmm. Well, I I see I have an ex ⁓ girlfriend who ⁓ worked at a a
speaker-0: An ex girlfriend, that's good. So you're removing girlfriends from your life, that's really important 'cause you can't have those if you want to be let into heaven.
speaker-1: Yeah, well she she stole money from me, so that's you know
speaker-0: ⁓ another reason why lesbians are disgusting and gross and evil. The evil.
speaker-1: ⁓ Okay, yeah, they're evil. Mm-hmm. Huh I guess I never thought of it that way.
speaker-0: Mm-hmm. Well there's
a reason why if you rearrange the letters in Dyke it spells yuck. Hmm. Like yuck.
speaker-1: Yeah. Wow, you really hate you really hate lesbians.
speaker-0: Well, I just think that if you're gonna act sinful like that in public, ⁓ that I should get to ⁓ change laws to make your life worse, even though the things you do in the day to day pretty much don't affect anything to do with me. But I think I should have control over what you do because I feel a little uncomfortable watching that. And when I feel a little uncomfortable, that's when all laws should be changed.
speaker-1: Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah. ⁓ I can understand that. That's like when that's how I feel when I watch the show Tim Allen's show, you know? Okay. Yeah, not shifting gears, the one before that.
speaker-0: The the sitcom? Man o' the house. Man o' the something?
speaker-1: Yeah, it's it's basically as the energy is man in the man of house. Yeah. So ⁓ but yeah, that shows ⁓
speaker-0: I love that show. I love Tim Allen. I loved the one he did in the nineties. With the hardware No T V show with the hardware. ⁓ we're talking about the same one. Yeah, that's one he did more recently. ⁓ That's animated.
speaker-1: Story. That's the one I'm talking about. But you thought it was called Man of the House. King of the Hill
speaker-0: Ooh, we just have two little lady brains working their hardest on this.
speaker-1: Yeah, I just can't yeah. I'm sorry, I
speaker-0: I love the opening credits to that show. There's dun b ⁓
speaker-1: ⁓ I literally thought you were doing King of the Hill.
speaker-0: King of the Hill is animated and Tim Allen is not in it. I dunno. There's I don't know a thing about
speaker-1: Well it's saying you're the King of the Hill. Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. That's okay. Is something happened in King of the Hill that really
speaker-0: No, I just mean I don't know anything about that. I don't watch those shows. Only watch a show my husband put on. If I cookelon. Okay. My show my husband put show on iPad. I watch iPad. I cough with my mouth open like this. We're gonna do some visualizations now. I'm gonna help you manifest your perfect man. For example. Okay. My type is like turgid like a pork sausage with angry eyebrows and like a big
speaker-1: ⁓
speaker-0: big veneers. So please close your eyes. Okay. Close them. To close. Picture an incredibly handsome man in front of you. Take a moment and like really picture like like a really handsome guy, okay? So I want you to describe him for me. What does he look like?
speaker-1: he's kind of like a nineties dad. And he's wearing like a a button down and he's like in a hardware a mechanic shop. he's got like darkish brown hair and he's white. ⁓
speaker-0: Okay. Okay, so you're s you're describing Tim Allen from Home Improvement. Is that what it's called? Disremembering. But that's who you're describing. Yeah, then that's Wow, I mean, you said you didn't like the show.
speaker-1: Yeah, I'm just out with the show. So I'm
describing I think I'm realizing I secretly love the sh
speaker-0: So listen, I think the things that as a lesbian you say you like really hate. Yeah. You actually really like. Like I think when you're like I mean, but I'm not a lesbian, I'm straight, so when I say I don't like something, I mean it. And I almost never say I don't like something 'cause it's actually really good when you're a woman to lose just say yes to everything. Yeah, I lose all my hair 'cause I'm
speaker-1: So you actually like King of the Hill? ⁓ the Nessica thigh gap is rapidly losing hair in a way.
speaker-0: ⁓ 'cause being around gay people makes me sick. It makes my hair fall out.
speaker-1: So you don't think it's all the dust? You think it's gay people. Mm-hmm. Do you I mean you should go to a doctor? What doctor do you go to? So everyone in this church goes to Doctor Pepper.
speaker-0: Okay, so when you close your eye I mean I do go to a doctor. Doctor Pepper. Okay. No relation to the soda. And I know that it's just being sick by it being around gay people, but it is my purpose to like help gay people be straight because like I don't want them to be in hell. Like I believe there's parts of you that deserve to be saved, but the part there are parts of you that don't deserve to be saved and that's a lesbian part.
speaker-1: okay, wow.
speaker-0: 'Cause like Birkensaw's are gross. But that's just one book.
speaker-1: Well not just lesbians, I
speaker-0: It's an epidemic. I understand, but it was them who started it. Sure. You're making me lose so much hair.
speaker-1: Yeah, I'm s I'm just slightly concerned at the rate that you're losing hair.
speaker-0: Okay, then we should get this part over and done with. Okay, close your eyes. So your ideal man is Tim Allen. Love. Okay, so I want you to I want you to picture him and and what would you want this man picture Tim Allen? Picture, you know, his sort of, you know, lined and weathered face. What would you want this man? Yeah.
speaker-1: Sorry.
speaker-0: Well, I mean you're already getting ahead of me, which is what would you what do you want this man to do to you?
speaker-1: I imagining him putting his hands in his pocket and ⁓ taking out my car keys and then he jingles it against my ear and he says, It's ready.
speaker-0: Okay. Okay. So you started picturing him as a valet?
speaker-1: No no, it's like ⁓ my c he's fixed my car. And it's ready.
speaker-0: Okay, so just as a reminder, in the show Home Improvement, he is not a mechanic. He has a home improvement. Yeah.
speaker-1: he has a tea it's a show within his show. He has a show within his show? Yes. That's smart. How many seasons did that show have?
speaker-0: Home improved. You know, I really didn't know that your way into heterosexuality would be too
speaker-1: I didn't know either. I love that it's a show within a show. Mm-hmm. God, that's good. And they probably had like at least nine seasons. Do you think they had more or less than seven seasons?
speaker-0: Are you trying to do conversion therapy in hopes of getting into a room that more traditionally
speaker-1: Blasts. Yeah. Yeah, as a T V writer I would
speaker-0: Sort of ten to twelve person room lasting for nine seasons, getting ninety K an episode.
speaker-1: A ten to twelve person room is a nightmare.
speaker-0: Okay. Not so different from ten.
speaker-1: Pretty different. Also, is it 10 to 12 with the assistants and the PA? And then how open are we to them pitching? Because it's sorry not to get into the weights. This is what broke. ⁓ my god. Wow. That's what got you. Minutia writers were like coming into conversion.
speaker-0: Ю To ultimate to ultimately game your way into a traditional nineties sitcom style writer's work. Well it's true, I do think you'd get more work as a straight ⁓ woman than as a lesbian, that's for sure. What'd your mom say?
speaker-1: Okay. That's what my mom told me. My She was like I was complaining to her one day. I was just like, ⁓ like, you know, it's just so hard being ⁓ so androgynous looking. I don't look like the hot, straight women. Like I was trying to be a sports caster. And ⁓ she was like, Well, so do it. Be straight. And I was like, huh? And she was like, 'cause I was talking like straightening my hair and like wearing contact lenses. And she was like, So so do it.
speaker-0: So she was like, just do that. Yeah. Sort of do like a straight Mrs. Doubtfire.
speaker-1: Okay. And you have hair right on your pubis bone.
speaker-0: You can't grab hairs from my crotch. You're making me sick. Can't have gay people that close to my Virginia. Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf? My husband. Okay, so you want Tim Allen to
speaker-1: Not bring your fix my car Well I do wanted to fix my car, although I guess that's not the show.
speaker-0: Okay. Alright, you know what? I understand that the visualization part was actually very successful that you were able to think of a real man that you were interested in. I like that. So let's do some role play. We're gonna switch things up.
speaker-1: sorry ⁓ I'm sorry I just I I think I my I should tell you something. ⁓ do you remember how I said I was my twin sibling Ferena and then I said I I I wasn't I was actually Lorena and I lied. I am actually Lorena's twin sibling and my name is Jirena. Sorry I'm sorry I just
speaker-0: Okay. What's going on here? No. What's going on?
speaker-1: Sorry. I'm ready. I'm ready now. My name is Joranna. I'm sorry. I'm ready to do roleplay. I just wanted to get that off my t
speaker-0: Okay, so to really embody being real in this roleplay, you needed to shed the character you were currently playing, which was Lorena formally Florena. No. Formally Lorena.
speaker-1: Lorena, formerly Farana. Formerly Lorena. Okay. But I'm actually Jorana. If it coincidentally were improv. But it's the truth. But someone listening is like, God, that's really sharp work that they just managed to keep how are they sustaining this for 'cause we've been recording now for forty
five minutes and you know, sort of the timing of all the reveals are really
speaker-0: Okay, Jeremy. Is it true?
speaker-1: Just really shy.
speaker-0: Sharp and Yeah, they're really metered.
speaker-1: Yeah, it's somewhat say it's almost like it's written, but it's actually almost improv, but again it's my truth.
speaker-0: I know if anyone would think it was written.
speaker-1: Yeah, okay. Well let's just let's just get out Like Jurassic Park, yeah.
speaker-0: So Tirana? Jurassic Park.
speaker-1: It weirdly sounds just like the home improvement. ⁓ yeah. Is that what he says? ⁓ that's what it is. And do you think they just had that? And then when they were doing the score, they're like, It's just missing something. It's missing something. And they were like, That's it. All right, sorry.
speaker-0: So we gotta throw this in. Gorgeous. So we're gonna do some role play. Okay. This is to help you find a husband. This actually falls really ⁓ well into what you were talking about with Tim Allen in your car. ⁓ okay. ⁓ which is in this scenario, you're on the shoulder of the highway after your car broke down. ⁓ okay, great. And I'm a balding pharmaceutical executive that stops to help you. Okay. I want you to sedu Joranna. Man.
speaker-1: Man or woman. Okay, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah, sorry.
speaker-0: Remember the reason you're here. Yeah. There's so much administrative paperwork piling up at your house. Did you wanna be straight already?
speaker-1: Yeah. Okay. I can't I don't have I don't have the
speaker-0: You don't have the time. You keep losing your pens. How are you supposed to sign any of these forms? Sorry. Okay.
speaker-1: Okay. So I'm here to seduce ⁓ pharmacy a balding farm okay. And he can't have hair in this well I mean You're giving me a really tough
speaker-0: So you're on the shoulder. Okay, do want to be Tim Allen? Sure. Okay. ⁓ so you're on the sho remember, you're on the shoulder of a highway, your car broke down, and I'm stopping to help you. Okay. And I want you to seduce me, okay? Okay. Okay. Ready? Yeah.
speaker-1: Help, help!
speaker-0: hi miss. I'm you might recognize me, Tim Allen from shows like home improvement and some other stuff. Saw your car broke down. Do you need me to I I could use jumper cables, jump your car?
speaker-1: Yeah, why don't you jump my cables?
speaker-0: ⁓ stay safe, don't abandon it. Stay in it. Okay. Great. All right. So I'm just gonna connect the cables to your battery. Here we go.
speaker-1: ⁓ why don't you connect the cables to my lips? But my lips are in are in my are in my pants. It's just ca sorry, you know it's a Yeah.
speaker-0: ⁓ yeah, those are the altar boys. Those are the altar boys outside the church. Sometimes they they hang out outside the church, they ride around.
speaker-1: It's just ⁓ hard to I think seduce a man when there's like children. Like I can't really
speaker-0: been a problem for me. I have six sons. Do you want me to I've never been a nope. I've never it's never been a problem. It'd make me sick if you touch me 'cause you still got your gay on you. I have sex with children around all the time. Like I have s I have six sons. s Smith, Jab, Cartwood
speaker-1: What's g you have so much hands? Yeah. For you don't want to be touched like the you Would not yeah.
speaker-0: Smith, no. ⁓ cause it's Smith, Jab, Cart, Whip, Rock, Shark. And they'll help you downstairs beating the living hell out of each other while I'm banging my husband, missionary style. Kind of looking off into the distance. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
speaker-1: You'd look off in the distance while your husband comes inside of you.
speaker-0: Yeah. Okay. What's come? I don't know.
speaker-1: I'm actually not sure. Okay. I wouldn't really Well, I mean, if you've had six kids. But let's
speaker-0: There's two of us. Back again. Let's try one more time. I'm gonna have you seduce me by the side of the road. Okay. So your car broke down. Okay. Hi there, ma'am. Looks like you blew a tire.
speaker-1: I did blow the tire. ⁓ do you would you like to blow me?
speaker-0: ⁓ Blow you. How about you you blow me?
speaker-1: Sorry. Absolutely, get in my car, it's on the shoulder of this highway.
speaker-0: Okay, I'm in the car. ⁓ we're doing foley, okay. I'm in the car.
speaker-1: ⁓ now we're narrating. Or you're saying that as
speaker-0: I'm saying that as me. The man I'm in the car, blow my penis.
speaker-1: He would say I'm in the call Okay, and then I would ⁓ unbuckle his pants, cluck cluck, cluck, and then I'd take off his pants and then I'd grab his penis, hea and I would just ⁓ squeak squeak I would This is I think a thing. Opposite direction
speaker-0: You're sort of twisting it like you're opening a Snapple.
speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, ki but it's like w I'm opening the sample in two different directions with my two hands. So it's like I'm pounding both my hands together. There isn't that a thing? Like a like people make like little fig
speaker-0: I so you're making your fist sort of perpendicular as if it turns out
speaker-1: Well so so you do this, this I've heard is a thing. Is it or is it not?
speaker-0: Twisting with both hands? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I twist my hands, I twist my feet. Sometimes penis go in my armpit. I twist that. It's kind of dealer's choice when it comes to what my husband wants.
speaker-1: I mean I've only really seen like one p like it just is ⁓
speaker-0: You've only ever seen one penis. That's ⁓ my god, are you virgin?
speaker-1: No, not a virgin, but Well you're ⁓ you wanted me to be a virgin. Yeah. Well, I guess it depends if you count ⁓ I guess I'm not a virgin by any accounts, sorry.
speaker-0: Okay. I'm glad you did the fast math on that though.
speaker-1: Yeah. Are you good at math? I swear did I did math with two or
speaker-0: No, I don't know how to read and I don't know how to numbers. I don't need to know. That's for my husband to know and for me to never find out. Right. I stay in the house. I don't need to know. Okay. Yeah. Okay,
we're gonna move on to some straight affirmation. Okay. So this is the first time we're meeting, so if any of these feel personal, just know that they're not. Okay. So please repeat after me. Okay. I do not want to kiss bisexual girls with boyfriends.
speaker-1: Okay, thank God. Yeah, I'm just gonna do a timeout really quick. I I just feel like that's that's an attack on me a little bit. Nope. Don't kiss bisexuals with boyfriends.
speaker-0: I don't know I don't know a thing about Gorgeous. Was that so hard? Okay.
speaker-1: I d I d did at a point in my life and I what was it some of them had bangs. What do you want from me? What do you want from me?
speaker-0: You're moving past this and that's good. Okay. I want to take a selfie with my bangs covering my face. That's moving in the straight direction. So say that.
speaker-1: I want to take a selfie with my bangs covering my face.
speaker-0: Very good. I do not want to wear a statement suit.
speaker-1: I do not want to wear a statement suit. Hey I feel like straight women do wear statement suits.
speaker-0: Good. No, not the ones that are getting into heaven anyway. I want to make I mean for more reasons than one. It's like if you wanna go to heaven do more war crimes, that's what I think. You didn't do enough war crimes, girl.
speaker-1: Hill Hillary Clinton's going to hell. Wow. Interesting that you know so much about Hillary.
speaker-0: Yeah. Unfortunately, sometimes on Fox, ⁓ they'll put up her picture and it's called Hillary Hour and we're all supposed to show our asses to the screen. And every once in a while it's like I pull my pants up too soon and I see her and I'm like, Ugh. Okay. So Yeah. I want to make every dessert a little worse by making it with Stevia.
speaker-1: Specific t ritual. I want to make every what is it? I want to make every dessert a little bit worse by adding stevia. I'm really it's I'm kinda getting into the spirit of it.
speaker-0: Very good. I It's not so hard, huh? No, you're sort of have to give up your values.
speaker-1: It's just the first sentence felt like a personal attack on it's almost like you knew me it it's almost like you knew me outside of the show. Like a show within a show. Yeah.
speaker-0: This one isn't personal. But I don't It's the first time we've ever met. I do not want to have a chin up bar in my living room. Just say that.
speaker-1: It's technically in the kitchen.
speaker-0: Even worse. The only thing you should be doing in the kitchen is making beef for your man.
speaker-1: And you mean like taking a shit?
speaker-0: What?
speaker-1: That's isn't that what you call taking a shade. Yeah, that's I don't know. I don't say making I only say making beef in the bathroom. Making love in the bedroom. Making beef in the bathroom. No.
speaker-0: Mm. In the kitchen?
speaker-1: So that's different that's different than making beef.
speaker-0: I said making beef 'cause sometimes that's what the one I'm making. I do not want to have a chin up bar in my
living room.
speaker-1: Making beef, making later. Or can I do not want to have a chin up bar in my living room. Or kitchen.
speaker-0: Hey, it's not so hard. I want to wear a Santa hat in a sort of slutty way.
speaker-1: I want to wear a Santa hat in a sort of slutty way.
speaker-0: That's so good. You know, I think you actually did do some really great progress today, but like do you have any questions for me before I go? You have anything, you know, that you might need some extra help with?
speaker-1: ⁓ sure. Mm-hmm. I I'd like to start using more tampons.
speaker-0: Mm-hmm. ⁓ I'm using more like at the at once. Like seeing how many you can fit in there.
speaker-1: I just meant one. Do you do more than one?
speaker-0: Okay. Yeah.
speaker-1: How many do you put inside of you?
speaker-0: Well it depends, how many can I fit?
speaker-1: How many can you fit?
speaker-0: Wouldn't you like to know, Lesbia?
speaker-1: ⁓ just also wanna I just wanna ⁓ circle back No, I just I just wanna say something really quick. I'm actually I'm actually not Joranna and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm actually ⁓ I am I am that was a lie and I'm Lorena and I just wanted to get off that that off my chest. You don't think the bit's working.
speaker-0: You said you want to wear more tampons? Can I be honest with you? I know that you're Lorena the whole time. Okay. But I understand the work that we're doing together is you're taking off so many masks that it might be easier to pretend to be someone else. Yuck. okay, you know what, I have to go. Okay. ⁓ there's a baseball game I need to watch with my husband instead of having sex 'cause that's what he does with his secretary now. But meet back here in six months, okay? Okay. Meet back here in six months and toot will assess your journey. Good luck, sister.
speaker-1: 'Cause I mask. Thank you. ⁓
speaker-0: Well welcome back to conversion therapy. It's been six long months, but we're here to check in with our patient, Lorena Rusi. Do I still call you Lorena?
speaker-1: You can actually call me Tut now. Yeah, I'm T
speaker-0: T sort of like my name but a little different.
speaker-1: Exactly the same. Did you know that tut is a not Aphrodisia? What's the one where it's the same forwards and backwards? no. Palindrome. Palindrome. My boyfriend taught me that.
speaker-0: Okay. Okay, well let's hear more about that. I mean, I must say you look great. You look very straight. You also seem to have rapidly aged.
speaker-1: Yeah, well, I fucked a ghost and a curse was placed on me.
speaker-0: Okay, was the ghost male or female? Male. Okay. What what was the ghost's name? How did this happen? Explain, please. I'd love to know more.
speaker-1: Yeah. His name was Tut. And so I wanted to continue his legacy. So thinking about the conversion therapy, and I decided to get my own house on the hill, like that sentence we did. Yes, and the house was haunted as hell, and a ghost was there.
speaker-0: Mm-hmm. And how did you meet this ghost? Where did
you meet this ghost? Six months ago, yeah.
speaker-1: And he was a ⁓ man of a go. And he grabbed me Toot. He he said, Toot, I'd like you to I'd like to show you my toot. And I said, Tootsie pop. And he popped my pussy. Several rounds of love making I'm not done. And he popped and he popped until it couldn't pop anymore. It was and then it was
speaker-0: He was a man of a gold. Okay. ⁓ so the fully carried over through the conversion.
speaker-1: It did. It actually got worse. I'm trying to minimize it.
speaker-0: You know, you really are saying this story like how a grandmother might tell their grandchildren a s you know.
speaker-1: Well, so the so right, I didn't finish. So So the turret popped my pussy, then a curse was placed on me and I aged incredibly fast and I was sorta taken. I was ⁓ taken by the winds of change and I went to a place I was in a limbo space, neither dead nor alive. Anyway, and here I am now.
speaker-0: So you sort of you experienced not just an ego death, not just the death of your former sexuality, yeah, but a true petine mort. You died for petine mort. So you must have experienced something of that nature. What can I say? I was gay once. Well that
speaker-1: You were such a cultured man. Makes sense because your head is so large, it's you cause Right, you can more easily store information in that bulbous dome of yours.
speaker-0: That's a compliment, as I remember. I guess that's true. I guess that's true. Okay, so
speaker-1: Sort look like a dashing man, ironically.
speaker-0: No. No, I think you look like a gorgeous older woman.
speaker-1: Sorry, falling in love with myself as a seventies a sheik. Ooh, Rolling Stone Mick Mick Jagger. I don't even know her.
speaker-0: But you know in reality I'm a heterosexual It's good. Well I think it's very important that the journey has led you here, that you have ultimately become a straight woman, whether by ghost, mm-hmm by God. So you are entering this new life as tut. What have you been doing? ⁓
speaker-1: Yeah. That's good. Very exciting.
speaker-0: ⁓ career or hobby wise. Has anything changed in your in your life by way of, you know, the way that you engage with the world around you?
speaker-1: Big time, big time. I ⁓ haunt sort of a lot of hollowed grounds now. ⁓ takes up a lot of my time. Takes a lot of work to haunt the grounds. You'd think it'd be easier. You can't just oop I'm sorry, what's so funny? What's so funny to you? You're tickled by my hobby. It's a lot of work. You think hollowing the grounds is some easy fucking shit?
speaker-0: Gallen.
speaker-1: You think I just fucking show up? I have to prepare. I have to learn a backstory. What are these people scared of? Who and I'm not invisible. They see me. They see me a mile away. They go, who's that handsome man? About to h ma'am, are you a ma'am man? Are you s are you cold? And I go, ⁓ ooh. How's the reference to home improved?
speaker-0: Improvement. Yeah. Okay. ⁓ I well I think what I was particularly entertained
by was that I thought, you know, the way that you were talking about haunting that perhaps you had become a ghost, but it sounds like more you take on the ⁓ the the roles of a specter. Yeah. But you are in fact still flesh and blood. What didn't just make you old. The curse also made you
speaker-1: Yeah, so c so the curve specifically Gave me jobs. It actually ironically gave me admin work. Well, no, it gave me admin work. And now here I am haunting the hollowed ground. You know what makes the ground?
speaker-0: Yeah, it's economy. ⁓ which is sort of what you were trying to avoid. I asked you what responsibilities you have and you said maybe the same the same sentence maybe seven or eight times. You said hunt in the hollowed grounds. Yeah. Maybe that exactly it's seven or eight times.
speaker-1: And do you have a would you like to give me feedback? Because again, some people listening to this are like, it's like it's written, that's how good it is. I think people are saying that's a talented that person should be in a writer's room, is what that person's saying. And they just ⁓ I keep getting calls. I keep ha you know who I should be haunting? Who? Not even one name came to my hand. Stephen Spielberg, there we go. Shonda, Shonda, Shonda! ⁓ No, I what I what I meant was more just like trying to find any old famous person in T V or film and I was giggling because not a single one came to my head. And that's maybe why I don't have a career.
speaker-0: But that's okay. I mean we're here to make you straight and to also I guess you have all of this work now with this curse. You wouldn't have time to be in a writer's room anyway. No, okay, so your curse made you old. It makes you haunt a graveyard, but you
speaker-1: It made me old. I don't know. Not a graveyard. It makes me haunt a hallowed ground, you dumb fuck. I said it seven to nine times. ⁓ and I'd love to explain if you could shut the fuck up for once in your life. That would Okay. Yeah, well, it's made me I'm more pissed now. Cause guess what? I don't have a period anymore.
speaker-0: So the aggression hasn't left you. Is that part of the curse? Or is it part of
speaker-1: ⁓ Okay. Menopaus. Which is interesting. I was gonna say it should be menopaus, but actually pa pause is more accurate because what makes a hallowed ground?
speaker-0: Men of Yeah. ⁓
speaker-1: Y it's incredible that I even think I could considering I can't even think of one name or under or even understand the how words work.
speaker-0: Times. That's okay. I think you're doing great. And listen, like we said, you don't need to be in a room.
speaker-1: No, it's very kind of you. I sort of feel like probably how you feel, reading like any label or something, or trying to follow basic instructions. Like an IKEA have you ever built an IKEA? ⁓ that's incredible because you you look ⁓ sorry, yeah. I am very fidgety as this old lady. I don't know if this character. Maybe it's
speaker-0: Absolutely. Yeah, frequently. You reminded me
a little bit of ⁓ the woman you described ⁓ to ⁓ Vanessa as your mother.
speaker-1: W ⁓ the one who said just do it? Honey. She's not fidgety. My the my mother? Mm-hmm. That woman is ⁓
speaker-0: Still is a cool night, still as the first snow, s still as a lake at sunrise.
speaker-1: I was gonna say still is a bitch. Anyway No, we have to answer hallowed ground. Keep up with your fucking questions. Hallowed ground, thank you for asking. ⁓ well, it's gotta be well it's gotta be hollow. So part of that is actually in the word itself. Like, ⁓ do you remember the movie Shallow Howl?
speaker-0: What other parts of the curse are there? I do. It's a movie wherein Jack Black ⁓ is hypnotized to believe that people who are fat are conventionally attractive. And in fact, in the I believe bottom of the second act, he sees people as attractive who are deemed unattractive. He sees a child from a burn ward, sees them as a regular child. Turns out, child covered in third degree burns. Same as being fat. So so says the movie.
speaker-1: Well, I'm glad you remembered it. I was just sort of asking as an aside. Has nothing to do with my answer. Okay.
speaker-0: Hallowed ground. Shallow hallowed ground.
speaker-1: just was randomly asking. Okay. No associ just on my mind. There I go. Mm-hmm. What were you gonna say?
speaker-0: Okay. So you gonna explain what hallowed ground is? Well that you really came at me when I said like a graveyard. You said no, it's a hallowed ground and you know, where's one of the only other places you hear the word hallow? Halloween.
speaker-1: Well, Halloween has nothing to do with graveyards. I mean we could look this up.
speaker-0: I believe that we go. ⁓ I think is like a holy and
speaker-1: Yeah, I would say a church I would say a church could be a hallowed ground.
speaker-0: Okay. Church, graveyard.
speaker-1: Юнк і тінька гравьярд із лайка черч.
speaker-0: No, I think a church is a place where me and all my friends come to worship the Lord.
speaker-1: And I'd like to speak to the manager.
speaker-0: ⁓ wow. Well I mean I'm the head of the show, so I guess I'm the manager of the show. What what complaint would you like to lodge?
speaker-1: I w I I would like the show to end. I'd like the show to get cancelled.
speaker-0: Okay, well then I guess we'll just wrap it up here. it's such a s
speaker-1: Wait. I'm s I'm sorry, I just do you remember how I started this episode saying my name was Tut and I had sex with a a ghost named Tut. I'm my name isn't Tut. My name is Lorena and the ghost's name was also Lorena. And no relation.
speaker-0: Yeah. No relation.
speaker-1: And I ⁓ yeah, he I think it was the ghost of myself in a lot of ways and my past. But ⁓ now you know the truth.
speaker-0: Okay, well I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to share that with me.
speaker-1: Un petit more.
speaker-0: A little death of Tut. ⁓ R. I. P. Tut.
speaker-1: Yeah, RAP. ⁓ so you're dead.
speaker-0: No, my name is Toot. So I'm gonna reach the end. Yeah. Well and what I will
speaker-1: ⁓ this is done. You didn't ⁓ we you you feel like we milked this for all it was worth. I haven't finished explaining my curse. Well explained. We've been going for fourteen okay. Well, one was that I became an elderly woman. Yes. Two was that I was forced to walk the hallowed grounds and try to haunt people. And three was be a better neighbor.
speaker-0: Well I mean Explain the curse. You were cursed to be a better neighbor. I mean, I guess straight people are better neighbors. They are not usually having loud sex 'cause they're not really usually having sex at all. Well I am with a ghost. W ⁓ so it's not just Lorena the ghost. There's other ghosts. And what are their names? Okay, that you we did use that name already. And those are all the ghosts that are visiting you, ghosts of the past.
speaker-1: There's to be a better neighbor. ⁓ with more ghosts. Other coasts? For runner. Jorana. And and another Lorena, different from Yeah, and Doctor Pepper.
speaker-0: Different one from the other one and from you. Doctor Pepper's alive.
speaker-1: Well, I had sex with him. And he's a very loving. He's very loving. He's very giving.
speaker-0: I mean I did send Doctor Pepper to come see you 'cause you had that persistent cough. I guess some something else transpired as well.
speaker-1: Well, he checked on my cough and he put his fingers inside of me and
speaker-0: So you're calling your vagina your cough? He checked on your cough?
speaker-1: Yeah, what do you call your
speaker-0: Penis. Yep. Penis. So you call your your You were cursed by a ghost to become an elderly woman to haunt hallowed grounds. To be a better neighbor. And you had sex with Dr. Pepper, who checked your vagina, which you call your cough. I mean all this is adding up to me. I'm
speaker-1: I come. I'm sorry, I that's not true. My vagina's name isn't cough. ⁓ sorry. My vagina's name is is Toot. And I'm sorry.
speaker-0: Is there any accounts, you know, that you think we should be making sure we're not interacting with at all to make sure we stay on the p on the path towards the Lord and away from the devil?
speaker-1: Yeah, you shouldn't interact with my Instagram at Colonial Manface.
speaker-0: Okay, well this has been wonderful. I mean I have a hundred percent success conversion rated. This is clearly an example of that. Thank you so much for coming. And I can't wait to ⁓ visit some hallowed grounds to be haunted by you.
speaker-1: Thank you for having me.