TRANSCRIPTION 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:02.799 --> 00:00:06.639
Welcome to this episode of Breaking Curses with Excellence.
00:00:06.799 --> 00:00:08.960
I'm your host, Christina.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:14.080
You know, I want to start this episode a little different than I usually do.
00:00:14.320 --> 00:00:28.399
I want to share a scripture that I came across in my personal Bible reading that really speaks to something that has always been a struggle for me with organized religion, with the society in general, and families.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:32.960
For those who say they love God, who say they follow Christ.
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:35.600
I want you to listen and tell me to this.
00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:39.520
Proverbs 31, verses 8 and 9.
00:00:39.920 --> 00:00:46.960
It says, speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.
00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:52.079
Speak up, judge fairly, defend the rights of the poor and the needy.
00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:57.520
Now, we're going to talk about a question that doesn't get enough attention.
00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:01.119
Keep that scripture in mind for those of you who believe.
00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:06.400
It might make some people uncomfortable, but I feel like it's something that we need to face head on.
00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:08.000
We talk a lot about healing.
00:01:08.239 --> 00:01:13.760
We talk about what survivors of mistreatment, abuse, manipulation can do.
00:01:14.079 --> 00:01:16.400
Much of my work is centered around this.
00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:21.840
It's a very passionate, or I have a lot of passion for that kind of work.
00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:27.519
I want to be a support to those who are doing that work because I've had to do it myself.
00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:44.400
But something that I have always really, really struggled with is the idea that the main responsibility, the main pressure is put on the person who's mistreated, on the victim, and not the perpetrator, not the abuser, not the manipulator.
00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:52.000
Tell people who are abused and manipulated, mistreated, that they need to go to therapy.
00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:53.840
They need to forgive and forget.
00:01:54.000 --> 00:01:54.799
Let it go, right?
00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:55.359
Let it go.
00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:56.319
It's the biggest thing.
00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:04.560
Establish boundaries, rebuild their confidence, and find a way to move forward, which is a lot of internal work and it can be very painful to do.
00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:07.120
But then what do we say to those who caused it?
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:12.319
I absolutely believe in everything that I just mentioned for a person who's healing.
00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:17.120
Why is there so much emphasis on what the affected person must do?
00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:22.960
So little emphasis on the person who caused the pain, who caused the harm.
00:02:23.120 --> 00:02:24.159
Think about it for a moment.
00:02:24.319 --> 00:02:28.639
We tell survivors to protect their peace, but who challenges the people who deserve that peace?
00:02:28.719 --> 00:02:30.879
And I can guarantee you it's not just one person.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:36.639
We tell people to establish boundaries, but who's holding people accountable who never respect boundaries?
00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:44.240
We tell people to walk away from unhealthy relationships, but who's addressing the behavior that made those relationships unhealthy in the first place?
00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:52.879
Who is telling the family member or family members or church people that they shouldn't be causing people to lose their peace?
00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:55.280
That they shouldn't be disturbing others' peace.
00:02:55.520 --> 00:03:08.639
What about families, religious institutions, workplaces, and communities that have known about harmful behavior and chosen to protect their image, the individual's image, rather than protect the people who are being hurt?
00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:10.479
I want to think about something.
00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:18.080
You know, it's one thing, it's one very hard thing to have been mistreated by somebody in power or authority over you.
00:03:18.240 --> 00:03:28.400
Whether it was a parent, it was a bully, it was in school, it was at home, it was by somebody in your religious institution or your religion, that's bad enough.
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.240
And that wears on you enough.
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:49.919
But to know that people around you have no desire to give you justice, to let you know that you're worth fighting for, that that shouldn't have happened, to stand up to the person who mistreated you and hold them accountable for their actions, not for imaginary actions, not for anything, but what they did, it's a whole nother level of pain.
00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:55.280
Cause the person who has experienced it to question their worth even more.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:17.600
When it comes to religion, it begs you to question whether God really cares about you because these people who are okay with you being mistreated, whether as a child, as a wife, right, or even a man, right, are saying that they represent God, that God appointed them to these positions, that they don't care about what happened to you, they don't feel like you deserve justice, they just want you to get over it and move on.
00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:25.759
Now, I want to, for those cases, I want us to go back for a minute to the commandments, because the commandments are brought up for a lot of things, right?
00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:34.240
But in those times, every time someone committed a harmful act towards another, there was to be restitution.
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:37.920
There was supposed to be just justice that was met out.
00:04:38.079 --> 00:04:52.800
And while Jesus came and died for our sins, if what the Bible says about God not changing is really true, then why do we think the person who causes the pain does not need to do
Load full transcript
anything to make it right, does not need to be held accountable?
00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:57.439
I want you to think about the Sermon on the Mount and some of the things that he said during that time.
00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:00.639
In Matthew specifically, it talks about having a problem with your brother.
00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:05.839
They say we're about talking to that brother face to face, and supplies obviously the sisters too.
00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:07.839
If they don't accept it, right?
00:05:08.240 --> 00:05:10.000
Bring an older man, right?
00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:14.079
Beanning the leaders, maybe of the religion, into it.
00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:21.120
If they do still accept it, they're gonna treat them as in somebody who wasn't a brother, someone without faith.
00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:28.000
So that doesn't say that the person who has done the offense gets to walk away scot-free.
00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:36.959
It doesn't say that you still need to invite them into your space, that you still have to treat them the same as you did before they they committed these things against you.
00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:45.439
And when it comes to children and even spouses who have been betrayed and mistreated, it is not their responsibility to move on and let it go.
00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:47.279
And I want to make that very clear.
00:05:47.600 --> 00:06:00.399
God never expected in Israelite times, nor in these times, okay, even with Jesus dying for our sins, that you are supposed to let person who had done harm to another go scot-free.
00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:03.600
And that there are only certain sins that we actually care about.
00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:10.079
We don't care about the ones that leave victims who distance people from their God.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:10.720
Okay.
00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:24.000
If someone's claiming that they're appointed by God, everybody's looking at them as a reflection of God and they mistreat you, and nothing happened to them, nobody cared, that says a lot in a person's mind about how God feels about that.
00:06:24.160 --> 00:06:25.759
It's an irrefutable fact.
00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.199
Yes, people who God has appointed are imperfect.
00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:40.000
But if imperfection is what caused this person to mistreat another, then they need to do what it is to their best ability, right, to undo the harm done.
00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:41.759
There needs to be accountability.
00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:46.560
If they don't want to do that, then they need to be removed from that position of authority.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:55.439
Because if I can't acknowledge the wrong things that I've done, I'm gonna use myself an example, to have the care of the sheep in my hands.
00:06:55.680 --> 00:07:00.399
I can't do what is right by someone I have wronged, then I don't deserve that position.
00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:08.639
And very naive to think that God won't hold you to the highest, the highest standard when it comes to his people.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:16.480
You know, a lot of churches they want to talk about how God's gonna do this and how this person is gonna go this place and that place, and how God hates this and hates that.
00:07:16.560 --> 00:07:21.759
He hates someone who misrepresents his name, who does not treat his people as he wants them to.
00:07:21.920 --> 00:07:23.199
Okay, really get off my mind.
00:07:23.360 --> 00:07:25.519
Soapbox there in families.
00:07:25.680 --> 00:07:31.120
It's very sad to say that there's so much abuse that can happen in families.
00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:47.040
It can be essay, it can be physical, emotional, and because of someone's position or how much people love this person, they may ignore what they know to be true, what they've heard to be true, what the experience of the victim is, just to keep that person around.
00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:49.759
What does that say then to the victim?
00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:53.360
Well, it says that I don't have a voice.
00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:55.279
It doesn't matter what happens to me.
00:07:55.439 --> 00:08:00.560
And those who, in theory, should care about my well-being the most don't.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:06.879
It says I'm not safe with the people who have been given the responsibility to look after me and take care of me.
00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:08.800
We make such a big deal about family.
00:08:08.959 --> 00:08:10.959
Oh, family this, family that, family this.
00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:15.040
But many of us have learned throughout the years that family does not mean safety.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:16.639
Family does not mean protection.
00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.680
Unfortunately, family doesn't even mean we have your best interest.
00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:22.399
They have your best interest in mind.
00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:23.759
And in society.
00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:34.559
We have seen, unfortunately, to many of our horror and disgust, that mistreating having a preference for children in an inappropriate way is not a deal breaker.
00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:36.080
How crazy is that?
00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:38.399
It certainly doesn't go along with the scripture, right?
00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:42.559
The scripture that we just read about speaking up for those who have no voice, right?
00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:43.759
Those who are destitute.
00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:51.120
Anybody who has been a victim of mistreatment in these ways, any of the ways that I've mentioned, are destitute.
00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:58.799
And they need someone in a position of power to speak up for them, or just a position of power in their own lives to speak up for them.
00:08:58.879 --> 00:08:59.519
They deserve that.
00:08:59.600 --> 00:09:02.159
According to the Bible, that is the right thing to do.
00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:10.639
And that isn't the only scripture when other scriptures talk about taking care of the widow and the fatherless child, the lowly person, the poor one.
00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:14.559
Why do
you think that these victims are not included in that?
00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:30.240
Why is it so easy to snooze up to or smoosh up to a person who can speak well, who's eloquent in their words, who looks like they have God's spirit on them, but who is absolutely damaging someone, some people.
00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:37.039
It's also the perpetuation of allowing them to then abuse others.
00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:41.759
You see, when we don't hold people accountable for their actions, they continue to do it.
00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:43.279
They become emboldened.
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:54.240
If my child, let me give this example, if I'm mistreated by someone in society, in my family, in religion, right, and I keep quiet because I'm told to keep quiet.
00:09:54.399 --> 00:09:56.559
I'm told that I shouldn't talk about things.
00:09:56.799 --> 00:10:00.639
You know, go to therapy, you know, just kind of keep that quiet, keep that over there, right?
00:10:00.720 --> 00:10:15.279
Don't don't mess up their reputation, then that abusive person, as I've said, another of my posts, gets to find another victim who again is told to keep quiet, get help, move on, go on.
00:10:15.519 --> 00:10:16.799
We are responsible.
00:10:17.039 --> 00:10:24.879
Once we know what someone has done, we are responsible for anybody who follows because we told that person to be quiet.
00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:28.320
I have many examples of this in my life.
00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:36.000
Where because people weren't held responsible, held accountable for what they did to me, they didn't got to do it to other people.
00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:38.639
Or they just didn't get held accountable.
00:10:38.799 --> 00:10:43.600
And I can tell you from my own perspective how much that hurts.
00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:46.080
Many things that I went through were very visible.
00:10:46.240 --> 00:10:47.120
They were not hidden.
00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:51.279
They weren't, oh, I never knew they were doing that to you, I never knew they did that to you.
00:10:51.440 --> 00:10:51.919
Well no.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:54.399
But nobody cared to hold that person responsible.
00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:58.240
But they did tell me though, that I shouldn't go around talking about certain things.
00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:00.559
That should keep that person out of my mouth.
00:11:00.799 --> 00:11:04.639
In certain environs, environments, I'm still shocked at how long I last.
00:11:05.039 --> 00:11:07.200
Because that had been my story my entire life.
00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:08.960
What are they supposed to talk about?
00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:11.279
I did, I was just looking for sympathy.
00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:13.120
You know, that didn't just happen.
00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:14.320
It happened years ago.
00:11:14.480 --> 00:11:19.200
That doesn't change the pain that a person has been through just gonna happen years ago.
00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:25.120
We deal with the effects of things that happened to us as a child as a child on a daily basis, good or bad.
00:11:25.279 --> 00:11:26.639
They have shaped us.
00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:32.240
So it is the bare minimum somebody could put up with just to make me feel seen and hurt.
00:11:32.480 --> 00:11:35.360
Doing something about it heals part of you.
00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:39.919
That's a part of the healing process that others are responsible for.
00:11:40.159 --> 00:11:42.879
Respecting authority doesn't mean silence, right?
00:11:43.200 --> 00:11:52.879
We know that many people, because of their loosing, because of their hate and their utter disgust with people who love differently, look differently than them, right?
00:11:53.120 --> 00:11:56.960
Practice religion differently than them, but have a different belief system in them.
00:11:57.120 --> 00:12:04.240
They are willing to overlook the horrific things that have happened to thousands, hundreds, if not thousands, of people.
00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:07.840
And we know that because of that, it has spread to thousands.
00:12:08.000 --> 00:12:13.200
Again, because we never hold the person responsible for what they initially did.
00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:18.000
So they're allowed to run free and cause even more horrific things to happen to people.
00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:22.000
We have these systemic norms that are very damaging.
00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:26.799
Some of us have been raised to believe, I know I was, parents were always right, right?
00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:37.360
Religious leaders couldn't be questioned, or you were questioning God, and you could, in theory, be kicked out, at the bare minimum, silenced.
00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:41.600
Older family members deserve respect without questioning obedience.
00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:51.840
We need to ask ourselves, in challenging this, why and when did respect become equivalent or synonymous with unquestioning obedience?
00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:56.320
Respect and accountability can and should coexist.
00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.519
A person's title doesn't give them the right to mistreat others.
00:12:59.679 --> 00:13:04.000
What a person has been through also does not give them the right to mistreat others.
00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:06.960
A religious leader should be held accountable.
00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:10.159
There's a lot of responsibility that comes with that.
00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:17.919
The Bible talks about a lot of honor that is supposed to be given to those who are taking the lead, but also talks about how God holds them responsible.
00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:21.200
We as humans should also hold them accountable.
00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:23.440
A supervisor can be held accountable.
00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:26.159
Accountability does not always mean disrespect.
00:13:26.240 --> 00:13:28.559
Okay, I have a question for you, those who listen.
00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:34.879
Have you ever been made to feel guilty for questioning someone who is mistreating you simply because the position they have in your life?
00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:38.240
No, especially in my community, it's big about the parents, right?
00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:40.080
But you have to respect your parents.
00:13:40.240 --> 00:13:41.519
You have to obey your parents.
00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:44.879
Even when you get older, you have the responsibility to take care of your parents.
00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:51.200
But nobody ever questioned or pushed them to work on the way keeping it.
00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:54.720
They were not taking care of their children as they were required to.
00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:57.440
That they were not there for their kids emotionally.
00:13:57.519 --> 00:13:58.799
They mistreated their children.
00:13:58.879 --> 00:14:00.799
Nobody held them accountable during that time.
00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:07.759
But then they want to come to the next generation and say, well, you have all this duty and honor and respect and obligation to them.
00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.720
Oh, that pressure should have been put on the parents.
00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:14.240
And then they have kids who willingly would want to do for them.
00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:18.240
If you mistreated your child, you do not have the right to require anything of them.
00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:23.440
Norm number two, keep the peace matters more than confronting wrongdoing.
00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:25.679
I have experience with this, right?
00:14:25.840 --> 00:14:27.440
Oh Christina, don't say anything.
00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:29.039
Oh, Christina, don't do this.
00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:29.840
Don't do that.
00:14:30.080 --> 00:14:31.519
Because we want to keep the peace.
00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:34.559
Oh, the priest's being peaceful now, so don't say anything.
00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:38.320
We give them excuses like, oh, that's just how they are.
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:40.000
Don't bring up the path.
00:14:40.240 --> 00:14:41.919
You need to forgive and move on.
00:14:42.159 --> 00:14:43.600
Don't embarrass the family.
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:45.600
What happens in the family stays in the family.
00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:47.600
What happens in this house stays in the house.
00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:49.679
You shouldn't speak against the church.
00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:52.399
And this is a big pit pee for me.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:55.200
And I think a huge disservice to God when we say that.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:15:04.320
Because if you have been mistreated in the church, I'm saying this to all of the people who have had similar experiences to me, you have the absolute right to talk about it.
00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:06.480
It is your story, it is your pain.
00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:09.919
And whatever helps you heal and be okay needs to be said.
00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:14.399
They may have had the power, unfortunately, to manipulate you, oppress you, whatever it is.
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:16.639
They don't get to change the narrative afterwards.
00:15:16.799 --> 00:15:20.960
They don't get to, and this is something that's specifically hard for me to deal with.
00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:35.519
A lot of people who are considered apostates in my previous religion are people who have been abused and who speak out the way against the way that it was handled, how it was swept under the rug, how more people got hurt because those people weren't hold us accountable.
00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:38.240
Remember when I was being told to do the same thing?
00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:41.039
Ignore them, don't even have a conversation with them, don't even look at them.
00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:49.919
How horrible is that that a lost sheep of God who has been mistreated and distanced from God would be treated so despicably.
00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:53.440
Their abuser may still be flourishing within the church.
00:15:53.679 --> 00:16:00.159
Never held accountable, never a warning put out about their behavior, so they're not able to do it to anybody else.
00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:03.120
Let's challenge these ideologies, right?
00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:04.320
These norms.
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:10.799
Then the last one that I want to talk about is the norm that survivors are responsible for fixing everything.
00:16:10.960 --> 00:16:15.279
It's their responsibility, cover, and we talked about this a little before.
00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:16.879
Forgive and function.
00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:20.879
Then in contrast, we give excuses to the person who's mistreated them.
00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:27.279
Some people get to continue their entire lives without ever being held accountable for the damage they did to people.
00:16:27.679 --> 00:16:29.759
Let's think of the ideal situation.
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:44.559
Imagine what would change if we invested as much energy into preventing abusive behavior, stopping abusive behavior, and confronting people who cause harm as we do helping people recover from it.
00:16:44.879 --> 00:16:46.639
Imagine how different things would be.
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:51.200
Importantly, accountability does not always mean punishment.
00:16:51.440 --> 00:17:01.279
It can include acknowledging the harm, accepting consequences, changing behavior, maybe not having access to certain demographics until you can get your stuff together, right?
00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:05.680
You don't get to have a position of authority, this behavior under control.
00:17:05.920 --> 00:17:09.920
You don't get access to children until you can get this behavior under control.
00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:18.960
And what I mean is not only the law, but societally, morally and religiously, holding these people accountable.
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:26.799
Because with the law, the law it is a source of justice, but things have to be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.
00:17:27.039 --> 00:17:28.640
When sometimes we know it happened.
00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:30.799
We've seen things, we know things.
00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:38.559
And so because somebody didn't bring somebody up on charges, they weren't able to prosecute, you
say, oh well, right?
00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:43.200
This prevents repeated, repeated harm being done.
00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:46.960
Isn't that more important than telling somebody how to recover from it?
00:17:47.200 --> 00:17:49.440
Just logically, I want you to think about that.
00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:53.359
Accountability without meaningful behavior change isn't complete.
00:17:53.599 --> 00:18:01.519
So here's three ways that I want to give you in conclusion that you, if you have a position of power, can challenge these norms.
00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:10.799
Or even if you're just the individual who has seen or knows someone who is experiencing or has experienced mistreatment of any sort.
00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:15.839
Number one, change and challenge harmful language and beliefs.
00:18:16.079 --> 00:18:24.480
We don't have to wait till somebody has experienced severe treatment to begin changing our communities, normalizing what we know is harmful.
00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:27.039
For example, stop saying that's just how that person is.
00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:27.759
Respond.
00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:29.279
If you hear this, respond.
00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:31.920
But does that make the behavior acceptable?
00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:36.640
When somebody says you need to respect your elders, you can respond.
00:18:36.880 --> 00:18:41.519
I agree that respect is important, but shouldn't be respect be mutual.
00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:50.480
When somebody says, just forgive them and move on, to someone else or to you, what has that person done to take responsibility for happen for what happened?
00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:54.319
These aren't confrontational questions, they are questions.
00:18:54.640 --> 00:18:59.440
Breaks the mode, the idea that, well, you should just get over it.
00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:00.480
You should move on.
00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:04.160
When it's safe, challenge these norms.
00:19:04.400 --> 00:19:09.519
Remember, I said when it's safe, you don't have to argue, you don't have to embarrass anyone.
00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:16.880
Sometimes it does take strength and a willingness to stand toast in order to stand up to these type of norms.
00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:18.000
Action two.
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:22.640
Let's stop rewarding harmful behavior with silence and protection.
00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:24.079
This one's uncomfortable.
00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:24.960
I know it is.
00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:28.160
It's something that my family still struggles with.
00:19:28.319 --> 00:19:31.839
Because sometimes the person causing the harm is someone we love.
00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:32.880
Plain and simple.
00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:37.680
Sometimes it's a parent, sometimes it's someone who's been close to the family for many years.
00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:40.000
Sometimes it's a religious leader we admire.
00:19:40.160 --> 00:19:45.920
Sometimes it's a friend, co-worker, or supervisor, community member that is well respected.
00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:53.039
So we
have to ask ourselves: does my relationship with this person prevent me from acknowledging the harm they are causing?
00:19:53.279 --> 00:19:57.039
Ultimately doing damage to them, the people they have hurt.
00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:02.240
It helps no one to be able to continue to perpetuate negative ways.
00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:04.960
They're not happier because they get to mistreat other people.
00:20:05.119 --> 00:20:07.279
Usually it's because they are miserable inside.
00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:08.960
So push them to get help.
00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:10.319
Push them to heal.
00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:12.640
Push them to change their habits.
00:20:12.880 --> 00:20:16.079
When somebody tells you they've experienced something negative, right?
00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:18.480
Stop immediately questioning them.
00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:20.319
Defending the person who's accused.
00:20:20.400 --> 00:20:27.359
Sometimes we don't even know them, but we just we just want to for some reason want to defend people.
00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:30.000
Or encouraging silence.
00:20:30.319 --> 00:20:31.759
Listen carefully.
00:20:32.079 --> 00:20:35.359
Acknowledge what the person has gone through and that they didn't deserve it.
00:20:35.599 --> 00:20:40.720
We can take concerns seriously without prejudging or disputing facts.
00:20:41.039 --> 00:20:51.359
Refuse to participate in retaliation or efforts to cover up wrongdoing simply for the reputation of the person who mistreated.
00:20:51.599 --> 00:21:00.880
I want to make a clear distinction here between supporting accountability and publicly confronting every person accused of causing harm.
00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:08.240
In cases involving abuse, retaliation, or violence, safety and appropriate professional intervention must come first.
00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:11.119
I want to give you a practical challenge too.
00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:14.319
I've given a couple, but I want to give a couple more.
00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:16.880
Ask yourself these questions.
00:21:17.359 --> 00:21:23.359
I ever excuse someone's hurtful behavior because of who they were?
00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:29.519
Have I ever encouraged someone to stay silent because speaking up would make others feel uncomfortable?
00:21:29.759 --> 00:21:35.920
If I witness someone being mistreated tomorrow, what safe and constructive action would I take?
00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:42.079
You can love someone and refuse to ignore the pain and harm they cause.
00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:42.559
Okay?
00:21:42.880 --> 00:21:45.039
Now let's go a step further.
00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:47.839
Let's model the accountability you want to see.
00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:52.400
We don't hold others accountable while refusing to hold ourselves accountable.
00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:54.079
We all have the capacity to hurt people.
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:55.359
It's not just hurt people.
00:21:55.599 --> 00:21:58.400
Anybody has a capacity, sometimes unintentionally.
00:21:58.559 --> 00:21:59.440
Sometimes we're repeating.
00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:03.839
Behavior that we watched continually as we learned up something.
00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:05.680
We think we're doing better than what we saw.
00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:08.480
And we may very well, but we're still doing damage.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:12.079
Sometimes we haven't examined our own beliefs.
00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:17.119
So, what does accountability look like in everyday life?
00:22:17.359 --> 00:22:29.599
It's stopping that narrative that her people choose to hurt people by not getting help, by not acknowledging what they experienced has caused them to do to others.
00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:32.559
There's a lot of avenues in which we can get help.
00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:35.759
There's listening to podcasts, there's therapy, right?
00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:40.160
Clinical therapy, there's group therapy, there's books, there's counselors.
00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:48.799
It means personally, on a personal level, being able to hear that hurt me without immediately starting the defense.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:50.400
Well, that wasn't my intention.
00:22:50.480 --> 00:22:51.839
I'm guilty of that.
00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:54.960
I'm not talking to just you, I'm talking to myself too.
00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:57.440
It means apologizing without adding excuses.
00:22:57.599 --> 00:22:58.799
Whoo, that's wrong, right?
00:22:58.880 --> 00:23:00.319
Because that's not easy to do.
00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:06.720
It means recognizing when we need professional help to address harmful patterns.
00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:11.119
Not only are we asking for professional help, we're getting professional support as well.
00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:14.880
People who can handle with what caused us to be this way.
00:23:15.200 --> 00:23:19.599
Rewind how we think of ourselves, then how we think of others.
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:24.160
So this week, I challenge you to ask someone you trust.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:31.839
Is there anything I do that makes it difficult for you to feel hurt, respected, or comfortable being honest with me?
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:36.240
Listen quietly, quietly, immediately defend yourself.
00:23:36.480 --> 00:23:43.359
Consider what they are telling you, and then whether that behavior deserves meaningful change from you.
00:23:43.599 --> 00:23:45.839
A message for people in leadership.
00:23:46.000 --> 00:23:47.519
I want you to ask yourself.
00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:51.440
Are people under my leadership safe enough to tell me the truth?
00:23:51.519 --> 00:23:57.440
Whether someone leaves a household, religious organization, business, classroom, or community, these question matters.
00:23:57.599 --> 00:24:00.240
You could expand on these ideas, right?
00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:04.400
Your position gives you responsibility, not immunity.
00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:06.960
Being a parent doesn't mean you're automatically right.
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:11.279
Being a religious leader doesn't make make you beyond questioning.
00:24:11.440 --> 00:24:17.440
Being executive doesn't make you someone make someone else's valid concerns less important.
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:25.599
Your reaction to criticism reveals something huge about your leadership.
00:24:25.839 --> 00:24:26.960
Do you become defensive?
00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:28.160
Do you retaliate?
00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:30.000
Do you dismiss concerns?
00:24:30.160 --> 00:24:34.319
Or do you care to create a space for people to speak openly?
00:24:34.559 --> 00:24:37.359
This is how we get the needle moving in the right direction.
00:24:37.519 --> 00:24:39.359
I want to leave you with this final thought.
00:24:39.519 --> 00:24:45.680
It will take all of us to really combat these social norms that I've mentioned today, each one of us personally.
00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:49.440
So we may have to challenge our own beliefs, how we see ourselves.
00:24:49.599 --> 00:24:54.079
Sometimes we ignore other people's concerns and what they've been through because we ignore our own.
00:24:54.240 --> 00:25:01.039
So it's going to take a very intentional process to combat this in our society at all the different levels.
00:25:01.200 --> 00:25:02.559
But I want you to be intentional.
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:04.880
I want you to use some of the practical things that I gave you.
00:25:05.039 --> 00:25:07.680
Get the help you need if you are the one perpetuating the harm.
00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:08.960
Love one each other.
00:25:09.200 --> 00:25:12.400
Protect those, as the scripture says, who are destitute.
00:25:12.480 --> 00:25:14.720
Speak up for them and judge fairly.
00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:18.559
Until next time, keep breaking those generational curses.
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:19.519
Excellence.
00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:21.200
Thanks for listening.