Transcription complète de The Family Conversation: Big Feelings, Small Words - Helping Kids Name What They Feel

kiddos, they can start to do something about those big feelings. Have you ever tried to solve a problem you can't name? Well, a child can't either. And a child who says, I'm mad is stuck. But a child who says, I felt left out when they started the game without me has something to work with. And so do you. So, noticing and naming isn't a soft skill or a nice extra. It's the starting point for almost everything else we want our kids to learn, like calming down, solving problems, getting along with people, making good choices. And that's why we start right here. So, how do we actually teach this? The tool we use all month in BSolid Families is called the three question check-in. And it's three simple questions a child can learn to ask themselves. And to be honest, it works for a four-year-old as well as it works for a 17-year-old, and heck, even a 40-something-year-old. But what changes is how deep they go. So the first question is, what am I feeling? Now the goal here is to get a little more specific than mad, sad, happy, and fine. But not because these words are wrong, but because they're actually covering something more precise typically. Now, mad might really be I'm frustrated or embarrassed or jealous. While sad could be lonely, disappointed, or left out. And the more specific the word, the more your child and you can understand what's actually going on. Now you can help by offering a couple of choices instead of asking open questions. So are you more frustrated or more disappointed? Then how do you feel? Most kids, and honestly most adults, freeze up when you ask them to come up with a feeling word out of nor nowhere. So maybe try giving them a menu. Think of it like a restaurant. Today's specials are frustrated, disappointed, and a little bit embarrassed. Now the second question is: where do I feel it? And feelings show up in the body often before we even have words for them. A tight chest, a hot face, a tummy ache, clenched fists, maybe tears that come out of nowhere. When kiddos learn to notice these body clues, they can start catching a feeling while it's still small. before it turns into a meltdown or a blow up and use a coping strategy. And I'm going to spend a whole short episode on this one on Tuesday because it's such a useful piece. But for now, let's just start with noticing it and naming it in our own kiddos. Now the third question is what do I need? And this is where noticing turns into doing something. Maybe they need a hug, maybe they need a few minutes alone, a snack, a break from the screen, help with a problem, or maybe just someone to listen. Now, one of the gifts of this question is that it teaches kids that they aren't helpless with their feelings. A feeling isn't something that just happens to you and runs the show. You can notice it, name it, and figure it out, and then do something to help it. So, what am I feeling? Where do I feel it? And what do I need? And here's the most important thing I can tell you about using this three question check-in. Practice it on ordinary days. Nobody, and I including myself, learns a new skill in the middle of a meltdown. So if the first time your child hears these questions is when they're screaming on the kitchen floor, it's not going to land. But if you've practiced it at dinner, in the car, at bedtime, or when things are calm, the questions will be there on the hard days, on the middle of the kitchen floor, and on the calm days. And go first, let your kiddos hear you use it. I'm feeling pretty frustrated right now. My shoulders are all tight. I think I just need five minutes before we can talk about this. Is such a healthy strategy. Because when kids hear the adults they love name feelings out loud and then act appropriately with those feelings, they learn that feelings are normal and that grown-ups have them too, and that there's something that they can do with them. That's one of the most powerful things you can model as a parent. So let me walk you through what this looks like in real life. Now I'm going to share a story about a made-up family, but I think a lot of you will recognize elements within the story of your own family. So imagine a 12-year-old named Maya. She tried out for the volleyball team this week, and today the list went up. Her name wasn't on it. She gets in the car after school, and when her mom asks how the day went, she says, whatever, volleyball is dumb anyway. And she puts her earbuds in and the rest of the ride home is silent. When they get there at home, her little brother asks her a simple question and she snaps at him so hard he cries. Now her mom has a couple of choices. She could deal with the snapping first because that was not okay, but that's the loudest piece of it. She could try to cheer Maya up with well, there's always next year, darling. Or she could start with naming. So later, when things have settled down a little bit, Maya is getting a snack and her mom says, Hey, I saw the list and I'm guessing today was a really hard day. And then she waits. Maybe Maya shrugs. Maybe she says, I don't even care. So her mom offers him a menu of feelings. Well, if I were you, I think I'd feel a little disappointed, maybe a little disembarrassed too. Is it one of those? And here's where it opens up. Because Maya can respond with well maybe both. And I'm mad at that coach. Everyone saw how good I was. That's the first question of the check in. Now without making it a lesson, her mom can follow up with the second question. Well, where's that been sitting with you today? And then Maya says, My throat has been tight since lunch. That's a 12-year-old girl who just learned that her body has been carrying this all afternoon. And then the third question, what do you need right now? And maybe the answer is, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Can I just go shoot some hoops? And that's a perfectly good answer. Mom lets her go, she goes and shoots some hoops. The feeling has a name now and that changes how

Maya carries it, even if nothing else changes tonight for Miss Maya. But there's one more piece and it matters. Later that evening, her mom comes back to the brother. And she might say to Maya, You were really disappointed today, and that makes sense. And you still can't take it out on your brother. What can you do to make it right with him? Naming the feeling never cancels out the behavior. It just means we deal with the behavior after the child feels understood and connected to, and that's when they can actually hear us. Now real life is rarely that neat, so let me talk about two things that make feelings complicated. These are important. The first is having two feelings at once. Now kids often think that they have to pick one. But a child can be excited and nervous about the first day of school, proud and sad at sister's graduation, happy to see dad this weekend, and sad to leave mom. When kids don't know that two feelings live together, the mixed-up feeling itself can scare them. So teach them the word and. I'm excited and I'm nervous. Even a five-year-old can learn this. It's one of the most freeing things a child can hear. You don't have to choose between feelings. Now the second is that feelings can be hard for us to hear from time to time. I hate my brother. I wish this baby was never born. Or the killer to my mom heart, I hate you. Our first instinct is usually to shut it down. You don't mean that. But here's a simple rule that helps. Every feeling is welcome. And not every behavior is okay. So we can name the feeling and still hold the line on words and actions. For example, it sounds like you're really jealous of how much time this baby takes, and that makes sense. It's still not okay to call her names or to say that you wish she was never born. When kiddos learn that even their ugliest feelings can be said out loud and survived, they don't have to act them out nearly as much. And one more thought on this. Some kids say fine because they really are fine. But some kids say fine because somewhere along the way they learned that these big feelings weren't safe to show or that the adults around them already had too much going on. Kids who've lived through hard seasons like a loss, a move, a divorce, or time in foster care often get very good at the fine. If that's your child, go gently. Name feelings out loud yourself, offer the menu, and give it time. The message you're sending over and over and over is that feelings are welcome here and you can handle theirs. Now, if this were easy, we'd all be doing it already. And I'll be honest, as a young mom, I had a lot to learn. So let's talk about what gets in the way, because most of it honestly comes from a place of love. The first thing is that we rush to fix. Our child is upset and every part of us wants to make it better as fast as possible. So we jumped straight to solutions like just ignore him, go apologize, all right, let's do something fun. And solutions have their place. But when we skip the naming, our kids miss the chance to understand what they're feeling and to also do something f about it themselves. Sometimes they also hear without us meaning it, that the feeling itself is a problem. To be gotten rid of. So try slowing down long enough to name it first. That sounds really disappointing. Then let there be a little quiet before you fix anything, or you help them fix it. The second is you're fine. And we say it all the time, I know I have, especially to little ones after a tumble or a scare. We dust off the little bottom ends and we say, set them back on their feet, and we say, You're fine. And sometimes it's true, and sometimes it's exactly the right thing to say. But if a child hears you're fine every time they feel something big, they can start to learn that their feelings aren't real or aren't welcome. So a small switch helps. That scared you. You're okay now. Noticed and named. You name the feeling and you reassure them both at once. Dr. Mark Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence puts it this way. We want to be emotion scientists, curious about what our kids are feeling, not emotion judges deciding whether the feeling is allowed. I love that. The third is naming it for them and getting it wrong. Now, this is delicate because it is really easy to tell a child what they feel, and it's usually well intentioned. You're just tired, you're jealous of your sister, and sometimes we are right because we know our child. But sometimes we're wrong. And if we're wrong, the child either shuts down or argues, and either way they stop doing the noticing themselves. So offer it as a guess instead. I wonder if you're feeling left out. A guess invites them to correct you, and when they correct you, they're doing exactly the skill we want them to learn. And the fourth thing is our own feelings. When our child gets upset, We get upset too. And that goes for sad and can be angry. And that's normal. But if we're flooded, we can't help them name anything. So the check-in is for you too. What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? What do I need so I can be steady for my kid? Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is take a breath before you walk into the room. Or before you say something you would rather not. A quick word on how this looks at different ages, because it looks different at each age. So with our littlest ones, you'll do most of the naming at first, with simple words and lots of repetition. And then in those middle years, six to eight, ten, kids can start choosing from a short list and noticing their body clues. And then on with our tweens and teens, it often sounds less like a lesson and more like a conversation, usually in the car or late at night when they want to sit at the end of your bed. where you notice a pattern out loud and let them decide whether you're right or wrong. And there's a reason the car works by the way. No eye contact. And they still can't leave. So same skill, different stage. Inside BeSolid, each age group gets its own version of this every month. But at home, just meet your child where they are. Now one more thing. You don't have to get this perfect. I I this is years of practice on my part. You'll rush to fix sometimes. You'll say, you're fine, out of habit, and that's okay. What matters is the overall pattern your kids grow up with. In this family, we notice our feelings, we have words for them, and we figure out what to do with them together. So here are two small things to try this week. Remember, I promised you a quick tool you could use. You just need to pick one of these. First is a feeling word of the day. At dinner or in the car, pick one feeling word that's a little more specific than mad or sad. Something like frustrated, nervous, proud, disappointed, or maybe even left out. Talk about what it means and have everyone share a time when they felt it. And this sounds really simple, and it is, but you'll be surprised at how fast your kids start using those words that you created around the dinner table on their own. Now, fair warning, they'll use them on you too. So don't be surprised when you hear, I'm feeling really frustrated that you're making me unload the dishwasher. Honestly, that's a win, so take it. But second, the second option really is one check-in a day when things are calm. Bedtime works really well. What was one feeling you had today? Where did you feel it in your body? What do you need from me? Go first if they're stuck. Keep it light. And if you get a shrug, that's fine. You're building a habit, not giving a test. Now, if you want a simple place to start, I have a free resource on my website called the Two Minute Solid Reset. You can get it at BSolidlearning.com. And when you sign up, you'll also get my Solid Ground, my weekly email with one practical tip that goes with each of these episodes. And if you want to go deeper, this whole month inside BeSolid Learning, parents, kids, and families are practicing this exact skill together, each at their own level. So everyone at home is speaking the same language. You can join any time at BSolidlearning.com. On Tuesday, I'll be back with a short Be Solid in 10 on the second question of the check-in: where do you feel it in your body? And how to help your kiddos catch a big feeling while it's still small. Thanks for spending this time with me. Go ask about feelings this week and listen to what you hear. Stay grounded, keep growing, and be solid. Thanks for spending this time with me on the Be Solid Learning Podcast. Take what was helpful today and put it into practice. But remember, practice means progress. Not perfection. And when it doesn't go the way you hoped, give yourself a little grace, learn from it, and try again. Here's to more capable kids, more confident parents, and stronger families. I'll see you next time.