TRANSCRIPTION 🔗
Bridget Barrus: Welcome to Be Solid in 10. I'm Bridget Barris, founder of Be Solid Learning, and in the next 10 minutes, we're focusing on one practical idea to help you raise capable kids, grow as a parent, and build a stronger family. One idea, one practical step, 10 minutes. Let's get into it. I have raised enough kids at this point to know that I'm a really good problem solver. Like most moms, really good. You have a problem, give me about 30 seconds, and I can probably come up with at least three possible solutions. Something needs done? Honestly, sometimes it's just easier if I do it myself. And there's the problem. Because when our kids are little, we have to do so much for them. That's our job. But somewhere along the way, the job starts changing. We're supposed to begin handing some of that responsibility back. And that is a lot harder than it sounds. Not necessarily because our kids can't do it, but sometimes it's because we're just really good at doing it for them. It's faster, it's easier, we know how to do it. And if I'm being completely truthful, sometimes I would just rather handle something than watch it unfold in a way that is slower and messier and definitely not the way I would have done it. But then I have to remind myself that the goal isn't just to get the problem handled. The goal is to actually raise a person who eventually knows how to handle problems without me. And if I keep remembering and fixing and reminding and stepping in every time something starts going sideways, my kids don't become more capable. I just become more necessary. And that may work really great when they're eight, and it might work when they're 18, but at some point they turn 40. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to be calling a 40-year-old adult to remind them they have an appointment tomorrow. At some point, I would like to retire from that position. And I will always be their mom. I hope they'll call me. I hope they'll ask my opinion. I hope I'll be somebody they trust when life gets complicated. But I don't want them to need me to run their life. And there's a difference. So today, on this episode of Be Solid Inten, we're talking about how we begin working ourselves out of that job. without working ourselves out of the relationship. And I've got a really simple three-step way to practice it. Pause, hand it back, support. That's it. When your child brings you a problem, let's walk through it. Step one, pause. This first step is actually for us, not our kids. Before you fix, remind, solve, email, organize, rescue, or tell them exactly what they need to do, just pause. And ask yourself, is this mine to solve or theirs to practice? And that question is critical because sometimes it absolutely is our problem. Our kids need protection and advocacy and boundaries and teaching. And sometimes they're facing something they simply aren't developmentally ready to handle by themselves. We're parents, we step in. But there are also plenty of situations where the problem doesn't actually belong to us. It's just really uncomfortable for us to watch. And those are not the same thing. So before we take ownership of the problem, pause and ask, is this mine to solve or theirs to practice? Now step two is to hand it back. So if you decide, all right, this is something my child could reasonably begin handling, don't immediately tell them how. Hand the thinking back. Try asking a question like, what do you think you could do? And then wait. And this is where things get difficult for those of us like me who already have an excellent solution already. Because sometimes they're gonna sit there. Sometimes they're going to say, I don't know. And our brain immediately goes to, excellent, I do. But hold on. If they don't know, try asking, what are a couple of options? Maybe they're still suck. And you could follow up with, do you want me to help you think of some? Now notice what's happening there. We're not abandoning them. We're not standing across the room saying, well, you're gonna be 40 someday. Good luck. Nope. We're coaching. But we're keeping as much of the thinking with them as they're capable of handling. And that's where the practice is. Which leads me to step three, which is to support. Support without taking over. Now, once they've identified what they might do, ask, all right. What do you need for me? And I love this question because it changes our role. Instead of automatically deciding what help they need, we're helping them learn to identify it. Maybe they do need us. Great. Support is not the enemy of independence. Healthy adults ask for help. They seek advice, they lean on people, and they collaborate. So the goal isn't I never need anyone. The goal is I can recognize what belongs to me. Handle what I'm capable of handling and ask for appropriate help when I need it. And that's capability. And that's very different from something went wrong, mom, fix it. So if we don't give kids opportunities to practice this while they're growing up, we're probably going to keep doing the work. And that's how patterns develop. If I'm always the one remembering, eventually everybody learns mom remembers. And if I'm always the one solving, Everybody learns, mom solves. And when another problem appears, we all know where that's headed. Back to mom. And the more often that happens, the more I become part of a system required for their life to work. And that's not what I want. I want to gradually work myself out of that job, not out of the relationship, just out of the job. Childhood gives us years to make this transfer gradual. We can teach while the stakes are relatively small. We can coach, we can let them try, we can let something not work, and we can help them figure out when that happens. They get to practice adulthood before they're actually adults. And yes, this requires some self-control on our part because their solution may not be our solution. It may take longer, it may be less efficient, it may be messy. And sometimes we're going to be standing there thinking, There is such an easier way to do this. And maybe there is. But remember, efficient is efficiency isn't the goal. Development is. And if I can do something in three minutes because I've been doing it for 30 years, well, that's not particularly impressive. They haven't had 30 years. They're learning. And learning isn't efficient. And that's okay. There is a difference between support and rescue. And I think this is an important distinction. Supporting says. I'm here while you work through this. While rescuing says, give me the problem and I'll make it go away. Supporting communicates, I think you're capable. While rescuing can communicate, you probably can't handle this without me. And obviously, none of us is going to get that distinction right every single time. I know I haven't. Sometimes we're going to step in too quickly. Sometimes we'll realize halfway through, oops, I'm doing it again. Great. That's noticing. You don't have to throw your hands in the air and say, ⁓ never mind. This is your problem now. Just shift, hand some of it back. So here's your practice this week. Don't try to completely change how you help your kids. Just catch one problem before you automatically take ownership of it. And then pause and ask yourself, is this mine to solve or theirs to practice? Then hand it back and ask, what do you think you could do? And then support. What do you need from me? That's it. Pause, hand it back, support. And if you remember after you've already started fixing, that's fine. Just start from wherever you notice it. Because we're not trying to raise children who never need us. We're just trying to raise people who increasingly know how to handle what belongs to them while knowing we're still there when they genuinely need support. And that's the goal. Work yourself out of the job, never out of the relationship. Remember, strong families aren't built in a day, they're built one choice, one conversation, and one ordinary moment at a time. So stay grounded, keep growing, and be solid. Thanks for spending these 10 minutes with me. Take one thing from today and put it into practice. But remember, practice means progress, and if it doesn't go perfectly, give yourself some grace and try again. Small steps add up. I'll see you next time on Be Solid Intent.