Transcription complète de Staying Connected with your Preteen and Teen

said, like you know, the whole time ticking by thing with the watch, it made me think, yes, of being a parent with your kids. 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:12.319 This, of course, is not just for parents only, this is for anybody working with that age group, trying to build disciples as kids get into the tween and teen and beyond years. 00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:21.680 They're wonderful little children that God gives you, and they're so somewhat compliant, no doubt, is hard at every stage. 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:39.120 But, you know, like for me, I'll go with the girl thing because I've got two girls and one boy, and I just remember like how these girls were just uh I hung the stars and the moon to them, and and I could joke with them, be silly, just crack them up. 00:02:39.280 --> 00:02:50.080 And then all of a sudden one day, I don't know what age exactly it was, but probably around 13, maybe even before then, when I made a joke and they looked at me a little differently. 00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:52.400 I'm like, hey, that was pretty good, wasn't it? 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:53.919 And yeah, dad. 00:02:54.879 --> 00:02:57.439 And I'm like, okay, is this happening? 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:04.400 And sure enough, I tested it like one or two more times, and it got quickly worse to the point where I'm like, oh, okay. 00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:06.479 And I embarrassed them once or twice. 00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:08.000 And kids are different. 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:17.840 Some of them handled it better, but there were, you know, like with my own kids, even with working in the in the youth group, I realized pretty quickly, like, okay, yeah, they're past the point of being able to even joke about this. 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:20.800 I've got to start treating them differently, which is weird. 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:22.639 Feels almost wrong. 00:03:22.800 --> 00:03:24.080 Like, no, this is my kid. 00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:25.919 You're gonna do what I say you're supposed to do. 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:30.479 But there's this weird awareness that comes when they hit this age, and it's natural. 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:31.919 I say it's weird, but it's natural. 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:40.719 We went through it as kids where all of a sudden your view of the world starts to really kind of shift to, oh no, what do other people think about me? 00:03:41.039 --> 00:03:42.240 Who am I? 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:44.000 What family am I from? 00:03:44.159 --> 00:03:44.800 Am I normal? 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:45.840 Are my parents normal? 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:48.719 I mean, all these weird questions flying through your head all the time. 00:03:48.879 --> 00:03:53.039 And for us, probably as parents, we forgot that as quick as we could about ourselves. 00:03:53.120 --> 00:03:55.360 Like, I don't want to remember what that was like. 00:03:55.599 --> 00:03:56.479 It was tough. 00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:59.840 But no, it comes quickly for us. 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.599 So, yeah, we're gonna talk

about that something. 00:04:01.680 --> 00:04:01.919 Yeah. 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:11.680 How we stay connected, how we don't take our foot off the gas and just say, well, this is hard, so I'm gonna just kind of live in denial for a couple years with these young adults in my house. 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:18.639 No, this is the time, especially as disciple makers, to turn it up and get creative and pour more into your kids. 00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:22.000 Yeah, I remember I taught ninth grade for a few years. 00:04:22.160 --> 00:04:23.120 Probably a few too many. 00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:24.240 That's why I don't teach anymore. 00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:24.879 I'm just kidding. 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:26.959 Ninth graders are fun in their own ways. 00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:37.839 But I remember at open house at the very beginning of ninth grade, you tell parents, like, I know you think they're in high school now, but you don't need to check their agenda because that's them in the elementary. 00:04:38.000 --> 00:04:39.439 Do you check Johnny's agenda? 00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:40.079 Never. 00:04:40.399 --> 00:04:40.879 Ever? 00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:42.560 I bet your wife does. 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:43.920 He's got a uh folder. 00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:44.959 So you check his folder. 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.079 So when they get older, you know, you give them an agenda in middle and high school. 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:52.480 And I taught middle school for a little while, and parents had to sign agendas either daily or weekly. 00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:52.879 Okay. 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:57.759 So then they get to ninth grade, and parents think, I don't even have to look at that. 00:04:58.079 --> 00:05:06.560 Yeah, you still need to look at this because hopefully some of them are getting to be where they're on top of their projects and know when a test is. 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:08.879 But parents still need to look at that. 00:05:08.959 --> 00:05:10.399 And so you can't stop. 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:11.759 And that was just teaching math. 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.800 I mean, we're talking salvation, discipleship. 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:16.079 This is so much more important. 00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:22.879 So if we can't forget about math assignments, we certainly can't let up with the really important things. 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:25.439 Yeah, I know that's that's kind of a trend. 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:31.360 I see it more and more is that we talked about it beforehand that teenagers are now adults. 00:05:31.680 --> 00:05:40.319 And it gets portrayed in the media even that teenagers have something, some kind of hidden knowledge that adults just can't tap into. 00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:42.240 They're it's they're beyond it, you know. 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:51.040 Uh it's kind of shocking to think that because uh you pay attention to their actions and their behaviors, and you're like, wait, no, you don't have hidden knowledge. 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:52.480 You may think

you do. 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:58.639 Some writer wrote it and then some teeny bopper acted it out on a Netflix show, but you don't have it together, you know. 00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:04.959 Oh, I can stay by myself in some summer house for the summer, and man, it's gonna be the best summer of my life. 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:07.439 I'm gonna learn so many things and so many experiences. 00:06:07.519 --> 00:06:08.800 Uh it's like, no. 00:06:09.279 --> 00:06:15.600 Uh I was talking with a student last night, an older student, and I was like, Oh, you kind of you kinda smell bad. 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:16.480 I didn't tell them that. 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:17.120 You know what I mean? 00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:17.920 I don't know. 00:06:18.000 --> 00:06:21.040 I think adults have figured that out, hygiene most, hopefully. 00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:23.199 So it's like, no, I don't think you got it all figured out. 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:24.240 You need to take a shower. 00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:25.040 Kid. 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:26.240 Sorry. 00:06:26.639 --> 00:06:27.600 That's a weird rant. 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:28.800 No, but that's true. 00:06:28.959 --> 00:06:34.160 I mean, it it's little things like that that m hopefully most adults have under control. 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:35.759 Kids don't even think about. 00:06:36.079 --> 00:06:36.399 Right. 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:46.079 I mean, that's what is really hard about this age group is they are really starting to try to figure out who they are. 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:48.720 And they're looking at other people. 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:50.160 They're looking at friends. 00:06:50.399 --> 00:06:54.720 Friends are a big deal for most of them, and they want to know if they fit in. 00:06:54.959 --> 00:07:00.079 And they're not getting a lot of honest feedback or criticism like Daniel just mentioned. 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:11.839 I think parents not only are a little tired or ready for a little bit of a break from some of the harder stages of parenting, but also I think there's fear involved. 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:20.560 If I'm being honest with a lot of parents, they're like, I don't wanna like say the wrong thing, or you know, we've had this big fight, or you know, I don't want to ruin their self-esteem. 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:25.360 Yeah, we can't treat kids at this age group like they're adults yet. 00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:27.199 Because they're figuring things out. 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:30.480 They're gonna act like they know a lot more than they act like they know. 00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:31.839 That's what we just do as humans. 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:33.680 We kind of fake it until we make it. 00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:35.920 Yeah, I think kids are really forgiving. 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:43.759 The younger they are, like either they forget it really easily or they're more forgiving that you are their parent, you're their teacher, their leader, whatever it is. 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:47.439 And so they're a little more forgiving because they're supposed to trust you, right? 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:48.319 That's what they know. 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:53.519 I mean, if we're doing a good job of raising these kids in a safe environment, that's what we want them to think. 00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:56.399 Grown up safe and especially at home. 00:07:56.560 --> 00:08:01.920 And then once they can start questioning that, you don't want to lose that safety of it. 00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:09.519 There are times where I'll say something and I'm like, Oh, I know that didn't go over the way I wanted it to go over. 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:15.360 But my kids will tell you very quickly, like, mom's top two jobs are teach you about Jesus. 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:17.519 That's number one, and number two is to embarrass you. 00:08:17.600 --> 00:08:20.480 So I start that really young, like they're ready for that. 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:21.759 They know it's coming. 00:08:21.920 --> 00:08:23.519 And I have a teen and a tween. 00:08:23.680 --> 00:08:23.920 Yeah. 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:24.160 Yeah. 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:30.160 That's where I wanted to talk about that for a second because I I can't remember what book it was, but it kind of got explained to me. 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:41.519 And I think it makes a lot of sense that kids entering into middle school and beyond, they get this um social dynamic where they're starting to their brains opening up to, oh, wait, I am being judged and I'm also judging others. 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:48.720 Uh and the way this person explained in this book was kind of like if you have a scale zero to ten, then all of a sudden you just become self-aware of that. 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:54.960 And so it's like if I'm a six, then I only want to associate with the sevens or above because I'm trying to improve my social status. 00:08:55.120 --> 00:09:05.759 At the same time, I limit my interactions with fives or below, or I may even make fun of them to push myself up into like a better social standing, which is it's just sad. 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:15.840 But I love that as Christians, if you're a Christian parent, that you know about the gospel of God's grace and that in reality, in our evil and wickedness, we're all zeros, right? 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:22.720 And the only one who's supreme is God out of ten, and he bestows on us favor and honor through the death of his son. 00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:32.960 And and so it's like all of a sudden, through sonship with him, we all become tens, even though we're all kind of weird and different and really quirky and stuff like that. 00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:35.840 And this social standing just gets busted out completely. 00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:47.279 And I know Paul's talked about it doing discipleship and youth ministry, where all of a sudden the weirdest, most awkwardest kids became the life of the party because everybody knew where they stood. 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:59.759 They were all near God through

Christ, and so everyone was just having a good time, and even all the weird differences and the quarks got celebrated, they would get kind of rounded off, you know, because you did still have social interactions. 00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:02.960 Like if somebody was acting really crazy, it's like, hey, that's not right. 00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:04.639 We don't want to do that here in this group. 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:08.639 And so everyone kind of leveled up and got on the same level at the same time. 00:10:08.720 --> 00:10:09.919 And I don't know, it's neat. 00:10:10.000 --> 00:10:25.679 So I was thinking, as parents, if that's who you are, then allowing your quirkiness and all those things to come through and to show your kids it's totally okay to be yourself in Christ, you know, and it doesn't bother you. 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:35.039 Oh, I had a weird interaction or I made a funny joke, and I should be ashamed that I made so many dad jokes that are super lame, but I'm not at all. 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:39.039 And this is how you can also be unaffected. 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:50.399 I think one real helpful way to navigate this is to put yourself back in the shoes of when you were that age. 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:58.399 And what did the adults do that either really helped or that you wish they had maybe done that would have helped? 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:18.559 And so, you know, when I think about that, I go more to my mom who took the time to sit down and talk with me, even though I probably wasn't through some of those seasons very fun to talk to, or had, you know, a chip on my shoulder, whatever it might have been, she still consistently sat down and wanted to know how I was, how's your day? 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:21.679 Because most teenagers, especially guys, are gonna say fine. 00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:28.000 And so, you know, going being able to push beyond that and have some conversations, maybe uh my mom would make a little snack for me. 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:29.200 It's like, ah, that's cool. 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:33.440 Yeah, I appreciate that still uh as a teenager and want to talk to me. 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:42.480 And so I remembered that, and so I tried to carry that over into like my kids' lives where I would try to think now what would make a difference here. 00:11:42.559 --> 00:11:46.159 I need to talk to my son about some stuff that's a little difficult. 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:54.720 But maybe we go out and throw the frisbee for a minute first, you know, or throwing the frisbee, and then I'd say, hey, let's walk around, let's walk down the street for a minute and chat. 00:11:54.960 --> 00:12:01.840 And you know, build the relationship with them just through some shared time together and join things with each other. 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:15.440 I mean, that's what I know I valued as a kid growing up was that if my parents kind of almost forced some time together, uh, and it was easier probably back when I was growing up, we didn't have the cell phones and stuff around as much. 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:18.320 There was TV and other things, of course, that could distract us. 00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:27.919 But yeah, for mom or dad to say, especially at that age, um, let's go fishing, I don't know, let's go uh riding the car, let's go rockwall climbing. 00:12:28.159 --> 00:12:28.399 Yeah. 00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:29.279 Exactly. 00:12:29.519 --> 00:12:32.399 At that age and stage, your social life is expanding. 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:35.679 You know, you're wanting to go hang out with your friends, so or do other things. 00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:40.639 A lot of times there's sports, extracurricular activities, just lots of things that keep you busy. 00:12:40.799 --> 00:12:44.480 And so parents can let their foot off the gas and say, Well, my kid's just busy. 00:12:44.559 --> 00:12:52.720 I'm pretty busy too, so we'll see each other at home and we'll talk about the difficult things over the table and just deal with it, versus saying, How am I gonna really connect? 00:12:53.039 --> 00:12:55.600 And I don't think it starts when they're tweens or teens. 00:12:55.679 --> 00:13:01.360 Like that's something that starts from day one, like you're building in and it carries over. 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:03.440 Yeah, it just continues then. 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:07.200 It doesn't but if it hasn't started then, then yes, start where you are. 00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:10.639 But I think that relationship that you've built all along is important. 00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:12.320 I think about my parents and me. 00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:13.759 I was probably difficult. 00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:16.000 I mean, I was good, like don't get me wrong. 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:22.559 I'm a pleaser, I'm a rule follower, there are rules for a reason, and I was that way, I've been that way my whole life. 00:13:22.720 --> 00:13:27.120 So like I I wasn't breaking rules or anything, but I had quite the attitude. 00:13:27.279 --> 00:13:28.399 I'm pretty confident. 00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:31.120 And my mom and I butted heads probably a lot. 00:13:31.440 --> 00:13:34.159 So it was good the relationship. 00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:43.039 Um she and I still had a very good relationship, even though we did butt heads, and of course that continues through adulthood, but my parents balanced each other out. 00:13:43.360 --> 00:13:47.360 So it wasn't always one parent having the hard conversations. 00:13:47.600 --> 00:13:53.840 It wasn't always one parent who was the fun parent or one who was the jailer, you know what I mean? 00:13:53.919 --> 00:13:57.600 Like my parents were very much on the same page, but they were in it together. 00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:02.240 Like, if I had had a rough moment with my mom, then my dad wasn't just gonna be nice. 00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:04.799 I mean, he was gonna but it you know, you know what I'm saying. 00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:06.159 Like they balanced each other out. 00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:15.279

They both enforced rules, they both had hard conversations, but they also both continued building relationships throughout teenage life with my brother and I both. 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:16.720 So it was important there. 00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:24.000 I had a thought, uh, I definitely want to hear from James too, especially about like Johnny, if y'all got any cool activities like catching. 00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:26.480 I really think this is true. 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:33.840 If you have a great relationship, we're able to speak into their lives to do that often because I think students a lot of times they go through experiences. 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:36.000 I just you said go back to when you're a kid. 00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:39.519 I had experiences when I was a kid, and they became like imprinted on me. 00:14:39.600 --> 00:14:43.360 Well, this is now my identity, is I'm a loser or this, that, and the other. 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:50.240 But if I'd have just talked to my parents, they would have seen it from the adult's eye, you know, the kind of 20,000-foot view. 00:14:50.480 --> 00:14:55.440 They would be able to talk me through this and be like, no, this isn't the end of the world. 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:56.799 This isn't actually true. 00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:02.799 Well, maybe they meant this, maybe this, maybe that, or even through like my own interactions with them. 00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:05.279 They never treated me in an ill way or something like that. 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:12.240 But every now and then something would happen and I would internalize it as, oh, I'm no good because of da-da-da-da-da. 00:15:12.480 --> 00:15:17.279 It's like you need more explanation for that to say, no, hey man, you're good. 00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:18.799 This is what I'm seeing in you. 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:21.440 Man, I love how God's growing you in this area. 00:15:21.679 --> 00:15:25.120 Wow, okay, you're struggling here, but I know you're gonna overcome. 00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:26.240 Let's work on this together. 00:15:27.200 --> 00:15:28.960 All these little, they're nothing. 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:31.440 They're like so little effort words. 00:15:31.600 --> 00:15:36.480 I mean, you have to be able to, you have to know your kids and be paying attention to catch them to know what to say. 00:15:36.639 --> 00:15:39.600 But I mean, I hear y'all talk, and that's what y'all do. 00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:41.519 You're like, my kids like this, da da da. 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:44.159 It's like you're already seeing all these things because you're paying attention. 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:45.759 Like that's what parents do. 00:15:46.000 --> 00:15:54.879 Speaking into those things and rightly interpreting events in their lives, and to get them to see it that way also, I think it's just so powerful. 00:15:55.120 --> 00:16:01.840 And it also teaches them that, you know, uh not everything that they go through, like their immediate reaction to it is true. 00:16:02.399

--> 00:16:07.039 There is a possible different interpretation of this and and a way to see it. 00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:08.639 So that's a random thought. 00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:14.480 So many of the things that I saw my parents were not necessarily the things they said to me. 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:17.519 You know, so like that's important, but just seeing how they lived. 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:18.399 Yeah. 00:16:18.639 --> 00:16:26.080 And I think that we can kind of undersell just how people see us live and trade it for the things that we say. 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:34.080 You know, so with Johnny, it's like, yes, I want to have those conversations where I mention specific things, but also just to see how I live. 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:38.879 You know, when when I'm with them, when I'm not, like that's spoken a lot to me. 00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:41.519 Yeah, I was gonna bring that up too. 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:42.720 So thank you, James. 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:43.279 That's smart. 00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:48.559 Uh because they are watching, they're learning, absorbing uh how we uh are with our technology. 00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:56.960 Yeah, they're gonna mimic that how we are with our spouse or our friends or how we act at church, whatever it might be, they're they're watching us. 00:16:57.279 --> 00:16:58.080 And it's weird. 00:16:58.240 --> 00:17:04.799 They don't a lot of times seem like they're watching, they don't seem interested in and especially at that age, but they are. 00:17:04.960 --> 00:17:06.319 And so it's hard to remember that. 00:17:06.480 --> 00:17:10.400 I mean, when I think back to being a teenager, I don't feel like my personality changed. 00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:13.359 I felt like I stayed pretty much the same, but I know it changed. 00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:18.960 So for them, they feel like they're the same person, and we're sitting there saying, Why are you acting different? 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:19.920 What's going on with you? 00:17:20.079 --> 00:17:20.640 You know? 00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:29.200 So as parents, we see all of a sudden them go from like, you know, uh like a young man's going to experience anger at some point. 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:36.400 That's just probably going to be part of the testosterone and the world that a young man grows up in, he's going to all of a sudden express anger. 00:17:36.480 --> 00:17:38.000 And you're like, where did this come from? 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:39.599 Your personality's changing. 00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:41.920 But to them, no, they're the same person. 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:51.519 And so I think I like what Jennifer said about parents being able to recognize, okay, I butt heads with this personality now, this child who, you know, we kind of got along. 00:17:51.599 --> 00:18:00.960 Now we're button heads, but if you do have, you know, a spouse there that can help balance that out, that's a great way to be creative in kind of tag teaming. 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:06.559 You know, I

always want to be bad cop, good cop, or you know, I'm the one that has to always be the rule maker. 00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:13.440 But it's weird as parents, we see their personalities all of a sudden, maybe not changing but developing really quickly. 00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:19.119 And you're like, whoa, okay, maybe you should handle this one because we butt heads all of a sudden. 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:22.000 And a lot of times it's those that are a little more similar, I noticed. 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:30.319 So like, you know, my wife and my son are very similar, and they would just bump heads over stuff, and I'm like, Y'all, stop it. 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:38.400 And now it's really fun because they're older and they really can communicate way better than than I can with either one, yeah, almost so yeah. 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:51.599 Daniel, something you said, and then Paul brought up technology, and I have found myself holding my phone too much, and I just want to put it away because I don't want Parker to always have to have a phone in his hand. 00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:52.799 You know, he's 15. 00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:56.000 So he of course already thinks he has to have a phone in his hand all the time. 00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:58.319 So I don't want to influence that even more. 00:18:58.480 --> 00:19:01.920 But with technology, if you're not checking your kid's phone, of course you should do that. 00:19:02.319 --> 00:19:14.480 But when you do, like don't just look for the bad things that are happening, but look for tips about good things too, or ways that they're changing, or how their friends are influencing them. 00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:22.880 Some of those good friends that they have, again, this is part of that parent stuff, like you can't let off just because they can drive when they turn 16. 00:19:23.279 --> 00:19:26.960 That doesn't mean that you don't have to take them to church on Sunday. 00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:29.039 You know what, whatever it is, we can't stop. 00:19:29.119 --> 00:19:36.960 And so being intentional, checking their phones, you really see a different side of who they are sometimes. 00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:42.240 Like I've seen stuff I didn't want to see, but I've seen good things too. 00:19:43.119 --> 00:19:46.559 And I've really seen good things coming from friends. 00:19:46.880 --> 00:20:00.319 And that's a really big deal when you have a teenager and you may not know all of their friends anymore because they can drive to get here or ride with somebody else to get here, and they're not as accessible, I guess, in your home. 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:01.759 They can go other places. 00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:06.079 So you may not know all the friends, and you can really get to know some friends by the text that they send too. 00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:09.440 And then Daniel, you were talking about conversations that you're having. 00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:13.279 I know one of my kids now doesn't want to talk about it. 00:20:13.680

--> 00:20:14.720 And I'm a talker. 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:26.720 So I wanna I wanna say all these things, and I want to tell you how amazing I think you are and how gifted you are in these areas and and all these things, but it it's not a welcome conversation, even in a positive way. 00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:29.920 It's not a welcome conversation because right now words are just hard. 00:20:30.079 --> 00:20:46.319 And so writing your kids letters or having a journal back and forth with them, like those are ways that those really hard conversations and even questions that starting at seven, eight, nine, all the way through, as long as you can keep it up with them. 00:20:46.559 --> 00:20:50.880 Journals are a really good way to have a conversation back and forth, especially on hard things. 00:20:51.039 --> 00:21:00.880 I'm not saying avoid hard conversations because you're gonna want to talk about it, but just to get some things out sometimes, writing it down, good and bad, are good alternatives. 00:21:01.200 --> 00:21:02.880 Yeah, two quick things on that. 00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:03.920 Thank you, Jennifer. 00:21:04.079 --> 00:21:06.400 And everybody, I appreciate everybody's input for sure today. 00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:08.720 Because this is not hard to talk about. 00:21:08.799 --> 00:21:11.119 It's just something sometimes it's like, oh no. 00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:17.680 And I don't want if you're listening and you've got kids, you know, little little ones now, I don't want you to dread this by any means. 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:19.119 And that's kind of what culture's done. 00:21:19.200 --> 00:21:23.599 It's like, oh no, you know, when you have teenagers, get ready, it's gonna be miserable. 00:21:23.759 --> 00:21:24.319 Not at all. 00:21:24.400 --> 00:21:25.519 That's not what we're saying. 00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:26.799 Will it be hard? 00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:27.279 Yes. 00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:28.720 Will you need to be more creative? 00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:41.519 And intentional is a big part of this, being intentional and thinking and just not letting your foot off the gas, because it can be more fun too, a lot more fun than when they were, you know, little, and you're doing things and their whole world's expanding. 00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:42.240 It's awesome. 00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:43.759 They're doing so many first. 00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:46.640 I mean, driving the first time they leave out the driveway. 00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:58.480 Oh my goodness, by themselves, the first job they get, the first, like, you know, maybe crush or serious, you know, like I like this person sort of thing, and friends and spend the nights and party. 00:21:58.720 --> 00:21:59.759 I mean, it is so much fun. 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:05.279 Fun with this age group, but also there's that fear that, oh no, they're just going to rebel, teenage rebellion. 00:22:05.519 --> 00:22:08.160 So don't dread this by any means. 00:22:08.400 --> 00:22:09.279 Look forward to it. 00:22:09.440 --> 00:22:10.799 Just have your eyes open. 00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:14.160 You got to be more creative and intentional, especially the discipleship. 00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:15.599 I want to go back to the phones real quick. 00:22:15.680 --> 00:22:15.839 Yeah. 00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:18.079 Because, hey, look, here's advice I can give. 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:22.000 I feel safe saying this on into the future because technology changes so much. 00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:30.640 But just take the time to Google and research a little bit like, what's the best way to look at my kid's phone and know what's going on? 00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:30.960 Yeah. 00:22:31.119 --> 00:22:36.799 Because you're going to find there's new apps constantly being offered to kids that allow them to hide content. 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:41.200 And there's always new ways to figure out how to message friends and then hide that. 00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:42.400 They think, okay. 00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:46.240 But stay one step ahead and realize that you can go look at deleted text. 00:22:46.319 --> 00:22:47.440 I hope teens aren't listening to this. 00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:48.480 It's mostly parents. 00:22:48.799 --> 00:22:49.920 Because we don't want them to know that. 00:22:50.079 --> 00:22:53.839 But yeah, the delete text, but those are sitting in the deleted text box. 00:22:53.920 --> 00:22:57.200 So you can go look at that and say, oh, wow. 00:22:57.519 --> 00:22:58.880 They didn't want me to see this one. 00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:02.400 And so be smart, be wise to just stay a step ahead. 00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:05.200 And yes, Jennifer, it's really cool when you find good stuff. 00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:05.839 Yes. 00:23:06.079 --> 00:23:07.039 And really good stuff. 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:10.079 And you're like, wow, man, God's at work right here. 00:23:10.319 --> 00:23:11.200 This is awesome. 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:16.160 Need to work on this spot over here, but this is awesome, you know, or and to see friends because that is huge. 00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:18.319 How big are friends at that age? 00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:20.559 Way more important than their parents, they think. 00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:21.920 Yeah, in their minds, yes. 00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.960 When I think back, I'm like, yeah, my parents had a big impact on me. 00:23:25.039 --> 00:23:25.759 And James is right. 00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:31.519 I watched them and learned so much by watching and just absorbing who they are. 00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:35.519 But in my mind at that age, I'm like, what do my friends think? 00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:36.720 That's all I care about. 00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:37.279 You know? 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:39.440 And they had huge influence on me. 00:23:39.519 --> 00:23:49.759 So man, if you've got your friends at that age connected with a church and a youth group and they are building some friendships with other believers, wow. 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:55.519 That is massive when all of a

sudden their friend wants them to start doing a Bible study together. 00:23:56.960 --> 00:23:59.200 Or journaling, learning God's word together. 00:23:59.279 --> 00:23:59.839 It's huge. 00:24:00.559 --> 00:24:01.519 Man, yeah. 00:24:01.759 --> 00:24:02.319 Difficult. 00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:03.519 It's just different, right? 00:24:03.759 --> 00:24:04.079 Different. 00:24:04.559 --> 00:24:07.599 I was thinking about the writing notes to your kids thing. 00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:08.160 I love that. 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:16.640 I think there's an alternative, which is bear hugging them and making sure you get their arms and they're completely kind of paralyzed. 00:24:16.880 --> 00:24:17.200 Yes. 00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:22.240 And as you hug them, you treat them like you would like, oh, I love you so much. 00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:24.079 I do that at least weekly. 00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:24.480 Yeah. 00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:25.440 I love these things. 00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:29.039 And they're like, uh, stop for me. 00:24:29.200 --> 00:24:29.759 Get off it. 00:24:29.920 --> 00:24:31.519 Oh my gosh, no, I can't. 00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:39.759 Well, I can tell you the most valuable words I hear from my parents now is of course I love you, which means so much, and I'm proud of you. 00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:40.400 Yes. 00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:40.880 Yes. 00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:43.359 You know, and that carries me for months. 00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:46.319 You know, my dad to tell me one time, I'm proud of you, man. 00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:47.200 Just keep it up. 00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:47.680 Yes. 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:49.839 Cannot hear that enough as a kid. 00:24:50.000 --> 00:24:57.119 And so for that age group, especially as they're trying to figure out who they are, who they want to listen to, what makes them valuable. 00:24:57.200 --> 00:25:01.680 If parents, if we can find creative ways of letting them know, I am proud of you. 00:25:01.839 --> 00:25:02.160 Oh, yeah. 00:25:02.720 --> 00:25:04.880 Especially if it's in a way they've struggled. 00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:05.599 Yeah. 00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.960 Seeing improvements. 00:25:07.119 --> 00:25:07.440 Yeah. 00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:08.400 Oh man. 00:25:09.359 --> 00:25:10.160 Hey, you know what? 00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:15.519 I'll just put on to this, your adult kids, well, you're saying it, yeah, now as you are right now. 00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:18.319 My brother, he would put that out there recently. 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:21.119 He was like, My dad said, I'm proud of you. 00:25:21.279 --> 00:25:23.599 And he was like 37 at the time. 00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:27.279 And it was through a Facebook post, and he said, I wept. 00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:32.480 He hadn't heard it up until that point, or it hadn't been clearly communicated up until that point. 00:25:32.559 --> 00:25:37.359 And so he was so moved that a Facebook post would make him weep. 00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:38.319 That's crazy. 00:25:38.480 --> 00:25:39.119 You know what I mean? 00:25:39.200 --> 00:25:41.039 So it's like, yeah, your kids need to hear that. 00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:46.559 I know they hear I love you, and I are, you know, I'm assuming this is a good relationship here. 00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:47.920 Could not be, maybe. 00:25:48.079 --> 00:25:53.119 If your parents, if you're not saying that to your kids and you you do in fact love them, I would say tell them that. 00:25:53.359 --> 00:25:56.880 I've heard that before that like kids hear I love you. 00:25:57.359 --> 00:26:00.480 Their grades are higher all through like middle school, high school. 00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:05.680 And so, like, you know, eventually your kids start driving to school and you're not dropping them off anymore. 00:26:05.839 --> 00:26:14.160 But, you know, with my kids forever, I'm praying with them in the morning right before I drop them off, and I'm saying I love you as they get out of the car, whether they say it back or not, you know. 00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:15.680 Yeah, not a big deal. 00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:21.039 But then, you know, once they start driving on their own to try to catch them in that morning before they leave, say, I love you. 00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:22.400 Just throwing that in there. 00:26:22.480 --> 00:26:35.839 Uh, the whole showing them that you're proud of them is very rewarding and super important to do, but be prepared that you may plan something that you think's really gonna land with them, and they just kind of act like it doesn't matter, like, I'm so proud of you. 00:26:36.160 --> 00:26:41.359 Yeah, but I promise you, they go in the room, they hold on to that thing, they stick it in their desk. 00:26:41.440 --> 00:26:42.240 Yeah, they might weep. 00:26:42.319 --> 00:26:42.559 I don't know. 00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:45.839 They hide it in their desk and look back at it later. 00:26:46.000 --> 00:26:52.559 But to you, a lot of times they just don't know quite how to express right thanks yet, or like gratitude. 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:54.079 They're kind of like, mm-hmm. 00:26:54.720 --> 00:26:58.160 No, I would say, yeah, I love you, I like you, I'm proud of you. 00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:00.799 When I say I like you, I mean pointing out the things you're like. 00:27:01.440 --> 00:27:02.480 This is yes, man. 00:27:02.559 --> 00:27:05.119 I love that you're so good at this thing. 00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:07.039 Where did you learn this from? 00:27:07.279 --> 00:27:08.400 That's insane. 00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:12.240 The rock wall climbing, that suggestion came from a book I read. 00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:16.160 This one dad and son, that's how they spent time together with rock wall climbing. 00:27:16.319 --> 00:27:22.000 And so his kids up there on the wall calling out spots, okay, go in this direction, go in this, okay, take a step down. 00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:22.720 Okay, da da da. 00:27:23.759 --> 00:27:25.759 And then he had two kids with him. 00:27:25.839 --> 00:27:30.799 So the the

other kids up there, the first kid came down, he's like, Man, you were a wild man up there. 00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:32.720 That was insane what you just did. 00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:39.279 The kid doesn't say anything for a second, but then a moment later he turns back, he's like, Was I really like crushing it up there? 00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:42.480 He's like, Yeah, man, you were it was amazing. 00:27:42.559 --> 00:27:43.839 You did this move from here. 00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:45.200 That's insane, dude. 00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:46.319 You're crazy. 00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:49.440 Um, which, if you're a walkwalk climber, you're all crazy. 00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:52.160 Any last thoughts, profound insights? 00:27:52.400 --> 00:27:57.200 Yeah, something you just said when he had two kids with him, he probably had to say something totally different to the other kid. 00:27:57.359 --> 00:27:57.680 Yeah. 00:27:57.920 --> 00:27:59.519 So do better. 00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:03.119 Well, he's running an experiment, he's feeding more. 00:28:03.599 --> 00:28:05.759 Maybe he's telling the other one I loved how cautious you were. 00:28:05.839 --> 00:28:06.720 You really made sure. 00:28:07.039 --> 00:28:12.319 You know, because my first two, they're very similar and lots of uh personality traits. 00:28:12.400 --> 00:28:14.160 Academically, they're night and day. 00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:17.359 But the third one, oh my goodness, I don't understand. 00:28:17.440 --> 00:28:19.759 He doesn't fit the same mold that the first two. 00:28:20.079 --> 00:28:32.160 So things that we said or did, you know, no matter what age, and this is true, all parents know this, but when we say get creative and put more intentionality into it, that means with each child. 00:28:32.960 --> 00:28:49.119 I was gonna point out we're doing a study through Nehemiah, and I was shocked when I got to this part of the story, which was they had just built the wall, they did it in 52 days, and then Nehemiah didn't just go like sleep for a couple weeks. 00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:55.920 It's like, no, the next chapter, he is getting rules and guidelines for how they're gonna protect Jerusalem. 00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:58.000 Because he's like, oh no, it's not over. 00:28:58.160 --> 00:29:00.880 The fight is still going, we're still under some kind of threat here. 00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:06.400 So we're gonna only open the doors at noonday when the sun is out, so it's not like we're opening it at 6 a.m. 00:29:06.559 --> 00:29:11.440 and there could have been some weird little hobbits and hobbit cloaks hiding perfectly as rocks. 00:29:11.680 --> 00:29:14.000 But yeah, so we're not getting any sneak attacks. 00:29:14.079 --> 00:29:15.440 Here's the rotations we're gonna do. 00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:17.599 Okay, we need to worry about this, and da-da-da. 00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:18.559 So I was just shocked. 00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:23.680 He didn't just uh hang it up and go, okay, I did what I came to do, build a wall, and now y'all figure it out. 00:29:23.839 --> 00:29:37.279 And so the same with uh your children, the older they get, you know, it's so easy, it's perceived as easier to phone it in because they're basically adults, they know how to cook food and they sort of kind of can drive, right? 00:29:37.519 --> 00:29:40.720 Or they're off at college now, it's it's on them to figure it out. 00:29:40.799 --> 00:29:45.759 It's like, no, bro, like that's uh just makes me angry even saying that. 00:29:45.920 --> 00:29:48.079 And oh, well, they're married now. 00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:54.079 And don't get me wrong, you know, the two shall become one flesh, and you leave father and mother and be cleaved to another. 00:29:54.240 --> 00:30:03.519 But they still need guidance and just having the conversations and that kind of sounding board in order to hear their own thoughts out loud and to go, ah, that's dumb what I just thought. 00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:04.640 But I didn't know it. 00:30:04.799 --> 00:30:10.240 But I'm glad dad's here and I could say something so random to him and hear his feedback. 00:30:10.559 --> 00:30:12.720 So, anything else from you guys? 00:30:13.039 --> 00:30:13.359 No. 00:30:13.839 --> 00:30:14.480 I love it. 00:30:14.640 --> 00:30:17.440 Great topic, great talking with you guys today. 00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:18.319 Powerful. 00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:22.799 Yeah, different time calls for different uh tactics. 00:30:23.039 --> 00:30:25.039 Yeah, so uh be diligent. 00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:32.079 I hope you're praying out there and being encouraged in the Lord and getting strength from him to know what to do and what the next step is. 00:30:32.240 --> 00:30:33.440 Uh, we're here for you. 00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:39.519 We got a phone number here, the Anchored Family Ministry Podcast, 629-888-3056. 00:30:39.680 --> 00:30:42.400 We also have an email anchored at harpscrossing.com. 00:30:42.480 --> 00:30:47.440 And in fact, on certain podcast things, you can literally go into the descriptions and click on there. 00:30:47.519 --> 00:30:48.480 I want to leave a comment. 00:30:48.559 --> 00:30:49.839 You could leave us a voicemail. 00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:51.599 Yeah, it's crazy, right? 00:30:51.759 --> 00:30:54.000 You could yell at us, disagree with us, is awesome. 00:30:54.079 --> 00:30:58.000 And um, who knows, maybe we'll uh run it on air because we could actually pull that file in. 00:30:58.079 --> 00:30:59.359 So be careful what you say. 00:30:59.599 --> 00:31:01.119 Ha, no, I'm just kidding. 00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:03.519 So thank you so much for tuning in this week. 00:31:03.680 --> 00:31:07.039 Be encouraged, and as always, stay anchored.