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[SPEAKER_00]: because I was also talking to my therapist about, like, she always asks me, like, oh, how's podcast and going whenever I see her and I have told her, like, you know, I haven't sat in front of, sat in my chair in over a year.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, well, why?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was about to tell her, like, oh, life, this happened in life, this happened, like, and then I caught myself and I was like, well, I actually have to stop using life as an excuse as to why I'm not working on my craft because life was always a
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[SPEAKER_00]: What is up everybody?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of Just State of the Podcast where we have real conversations, based on real perspectives.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It has been over a year since I've been sitting in this chair.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We have so much to talk about.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I have literally a month by month breakdown to catch you guys up on my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm lucky for that when I even really liked was telling you all before, but I'm back, I'm better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I know I always devil and devil and come in and go out and come in and go out, but I'm here to stay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I want to say thank you to everybody that has supported my show, thank you to everybody in my fan base who has always welcomed me back when it came time for me to come back to the mic.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for always understanding, when I come up here and I still make excuses on why I wasn't here and why I didn't record, there's it's always all love and I think
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[SPEAKER_00]: I actually have an episode dropping next week with Rebecca Raya, who is going to get so many shoutouts in this episode.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I was talking to her because she's also coming off of a hiatus too.
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[SPEAKER_00]: She's been working a little bit more than me though, I won't mind.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But she was also coming off of a hiatus.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And we were talking about it on the episode, which she'll see with next week.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, but I was telling her, I said, one thing that really brings me a lot of solitude, but I also think that I've been falling back on it a little too much.
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[SPEAKER_00]: is that I know the fan base that we built is here to stand.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So whenever I, you know, to take a step away and come back, I already know that my fan base is gonna welcome me with open arms every time.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Does that mean I should continue to just go back and forth on the hiatus tip and just not take this consistently and take this serious?
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[SPEAKER_00]: No, because I was also talking to my therapist about like, she always asked me like, oh, house podcast and going whenever I see her and I had told her like, you know, I haven't sat in front of, sat in my chair in over a year.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, well, why?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I was about to tell her, like, oh, life, this happened in life, this happened in life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And then I call myself, and I was like, well, I actually have to stop using life as an excuse as to why I'm not working on my craft, because life is always going to be life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I can't even tell you why I actually stepped away and she acknowledged she was like, I'm proud of you for even saying or catching yourself in that moment and saying, like, I'm giving the tutors now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I really don't have to.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I think me stepping away has not been
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[SPEAKER_00]: because I was going through like the most catastrophic things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It really wasn't.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think it started off that way, but I think over time, I had just really been focused on my career, my relationships, and just being happy that it kind of fell to the wayside, and I feel like it always does, but I do know my gift.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I do know that this is something that I'm really, really, God has called me to do this for a reason, and God has created what he's created
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, I'm back.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for tuning in.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, let's get into it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like I said, I have a month by month breakdown because I wanted to start with a check-in and then we're going to go into all the tea that's happened since you last saw me and know that into some some juicy down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I have a really good show for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm letting my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The last time I sat on this couch was a year ago, I was in a totally different place.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's actually funny because the episode that you guys last saw for me, that night my boyfriend
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[SPEAKER_00]: A year of like, not podcasting has got has literally been like a year of me in this new career that I love and this new relationship that I love so many things are different for me and even in the I don't want to spoil too much of the episode that you're going to get next week, but when I was sitting down with Raya Because that's the first guest that I decided to sit down and come back into podcasting with and I'm happy that I did because we just have such a great connection that it was just like it was just me sitting on the couch talking to my cousin for him.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and there was so many gems that we've all dropped in that episode, not I'm thinking about it, but I just was telling her, like, I'm also kind of in the middle of another re-brand where it's like the podcast is in changing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We all know nothing about the podcast is really changing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's more so everything about me has changed to where when I articulate things to y'all, I'm mindful of like what I'm saying, I'm mindful of like the message that I'm sending out now because I'm also,
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[SPEAKER_00]: Understanding that the same girl that started this podcast which she was 21 is not the same girl that's sitting in front of you that's 26 now everything about me is different my a lot of things and even when I watch my episodes back it's like Sometimes I cringe because it's like well, I don't feel that way anymore.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I don't I don't agree with that that statement that I said and that's amazing and I think that's also why One of the reasons that I really love podcasting is because it allows you to see yourself in all different stages of life
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[SPEAKER_00]: the longer that you do it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like I have a five year vault right now of like 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 year old me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's just like wow, it's amazing to look back on like I really have a legacy of all these videos.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Episodes, everything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So that's another reason that I kind of took us there back and really tried to come back correct because I'm in a whole different bag.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in a whole different
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[SPEAKER_00]: mode in my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I kind of got to be mindful of what I share.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of got to be.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a lot of things in my life that I just really want to keep private and I really do feel like it's sacred for me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like Even like came down to like me being gone for you.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, damn, how am I going to present?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Or how am I going to speak about my relationship?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's so sacred for me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so like
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[SPEAKER_00]: Amazing and it's something that I've really never experienced in this way before to where it's like damn I kind of do want to keep it to myself.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of do want to like, you know, not really talk about but I'm also I've always been the girl that sent on the couch to talk to her shit though It's like you kind of got to you know, you kind of got to figure that out and I've always been transparent I've always been honest.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've always been an open book, so it's not about that changing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's about how I go about that has changed
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[SPEAKER_00]: So we'll get on that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: We'll get into all of that as the show goes on, but let's start with our month to month break down.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I've never been away from podcasting for this long, but I'm excited because I do have a lot of sketch on for y'all on.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So January, we'll start with January, obviously.
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[SPEAKER_00]: In December, I was asked to be on a live show by Ms. Reckett Reya herself, who is the host of the
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[SPEAKER_00]: The reckless talk podcast, what the fuck was that talking about?
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[SPEAKER_00]: She's the CEO and host of the reckless talk podcast, and I was honored when she asked me in December.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, before the live show, he had done like a Instagram live where me and the rest of the girls are going to be doing panels.
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[SPEAKER_00]: in the live show got to like connect and see each other in me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And that was what I did.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That was when I knew, okay, Raya got some of the best pictures she knew in this year.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And to everybody that I met on that Instagram live, fit exactly what the mission was for the live show.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Ray's whole mission was like I want to showcase these girls because they're number one she saw she sees every she's like a talent agent where like she can see her talent before you need this year talent because I remember I was on her show back in 2022 when I was first starting out like very first
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[SPEAKER_00]: like very new to the game just getting my networking in like and that was one of my first like connections for real that was actually like solid because I felt like a lot of people back in the day was making connections with me because I was just new in the game and I was bad as hell so they would just like well I want to be next to her but like I think Ray of really really was like somebody that saw my vision and understood my potential from the beginning so and I it's funny because even when I was on that episode in 2022 she had said that like
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so funny that like four years later it came into fruition and I was a part of it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a full circle moment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That was amazing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of you probably did see like my my clips and stuff on Instagram about the live show.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So if you didn't go tune into that, also I probably will be posting more about the live show.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Let's just like all throw that clip once this episode drops just for you guys to see it and if you didn't already.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, January, I did say after the live show, I said, okay, this is going to be what puts me back in the element to be back into podcasting.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Did that happen?
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[SPEAKER_00]: No.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm mad that it didn't because I feel like the momentum that we had after the live show, we were so on a high that if I would have just got back into podcasting, it would have just went, and I would have been all the time of the world.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But I did it, and you know, I, I, I'm here now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm here fucking now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hi.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, January was amazing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think we had a really good turnout and I was telling Maria again on that.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So that's all we'll see next week because I interviewed her.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I was telling her that I, I would do that over and over and over and over and over again.
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[SPEAKER_00]: With that same group of girls when a different group of girls, it doesn't matter because I
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[SPEAKER_00]: was it was just different.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It was unlike anything I've ever felt before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And again, the stack that it was all we all seen now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Pocket, there was literally called a reckless female podcast, the reckless female election.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So like, the fact that we got to do that and everything look, that she made coasters.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I got coasters with my picture on it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: These are all the girls that were on it with me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I got a stand over there.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It was just, it was everything.
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[SPEAKER_00]: It was
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that it was a, the fact that it was all women's panel also really did make me understand like, oh no, like the supporters real the love is real in a male dominated industry like we rock that shit and I would do it over and over and over again February like I was saying before I had just made a year in my career in March, which is insane.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So in February, in one of the school dishes that I worked in, I had helped with the Black History Month assembly, and I feel like as a Black woman being a part of that, or a predominantly Black student population was amazing, especially in a school district that was predominantly white, as far as administration and all of that goes, you know what I mean?
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[SPEAKER_00]: I think that over the year of my career, and again, I'm touching on a now where I obviously expand on it later in the episode.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like this has probably been the best year of my life career-wise because it has allowed me to really understand my impact and really understand.
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[SPEAKER_00]: how to really, how to really be a boss for real.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I worked in two school districts where I really didn't have a lot of knowledge in, but I do now, I feel like I'm so in the community now that it's like, it's not even funny.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like one of the schools, one of the other schools that I worked in, they just had their moving up ceremony.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And they allowed me that they, I get so emotional to talk about it because it's just like love was unreal.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But, and it's so crazy because I worked in a predominantly white school and I worked in a predominantly back school.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So it was kind of like a back and forth every week in my mind, like, okay, let me, let me, you know, I got to put my white professional voice on and act like I'm, you know, not act like but really be on my PCQs because you know how like people are.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Then I got this black school where it's like, okay, I can kind of let my guard down a little bit because they love me for me and they appreciate the work that I do and all of the help that I give to them.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So the predominantly black school that I worked in, they allowed me to come on stage and sit in the sit in the on the stage with the superintendents and the deans and the principles and I'm just like wow, like I'm honored to be here as just like somebody who was just trying to help, and
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[SPEAKER_00]: The principal who I love, she gave me a shout out on the, on the mic, obviously, and the whole crowd went crazy.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I remember looking into the crowd in one of my students that I worked with a lot was the first person to start clapping and it was just it was so surreal.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So my career has really changed my life and changed how I view a lot of things.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm also.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not I'm not taking a lot of shit that you know what I mean I feel like every place that I've worked has given me the experience to be a little bit stronger and have a little bit more backbone and really know how to advocate but so now I'm really in my bag and I really do it well so yes March I made a year in my career.
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[SPEAKER_00]: which was amazing, I got back into the jam, I got back in Pilates, I am definitely a Pilates girl now.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I just have my name, do a couple of Pilates last with me.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Babe, these men out here thinking that Pilates is just QT and we got our cute little pink bowels out of it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That man, at first moment, my name was Irony and I was about to play you boo.
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[SPEAKER_00]: But my man and every other man in that room was like, holy shit, y'all do this every week.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, babe, about two, three times.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm a Pilates girl now, it's just,
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[SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend was also the motivation for me to get back into the gym and get back on Pilates because he's a really chill.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I pray I interview him one day, but then again, that man looks so good.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't even want to put him on y'all camera.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't want to play him all y'all scream, baby, because this is just, oh my god, that made it so cool.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, oh, you just saw he's so fine.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, this made it ain't about to be super, super, super, super fine.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm about to be just, you know, gaining all my weight back from, you know, I'm not doing it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't doing it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I got back in the gym and I'm happy that I did because, hello, we ain't much doing it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Also, I'm happy that,
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[SPEAKER_00]: One thing that I would do want to say as a reflection moment, and this is another thing.
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[SPEAKER_00]: As a 26-year-old woman, who has totally, who feel I feel like my mind has totally changed from what I was 21 to what I started the show at 21 to now, like 26.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Like a lot of my opinions have changed, my perspective has changed so like,
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[SPEAKER_00]: and I'm also able to reflect a lot easier.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I will go, I will sit in my car or at home or whatever, and I'll think about the day or I'll think about the week, and I'll be like, okay, I could have done this better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I could have said that better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I could have acted a little bit better.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I could have been a little nicer.
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[SPEAKER_00]: My reflection game and my accountability game are so strong right now and I never thought I'd see the day.
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[SPEAKER_00]: The only always like to say, oh, I'm a good communicator, I don't have to take accountability.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I'm all these things until it comes down to you actually doing it.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So one thing that I can reflect on is that I'm really happy that I never got the life that I thought I wanted before.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Because I had no idea that God had all these blessings waiting for me all the long.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And it brings me back to when I shot the boss man episode.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Wait, like, in 2025, when I originally did my first my regret.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That episode, I was in such a place where I was like, so done with dating, I was like, these men and shit, like, hello, like, I just was so over it, then I had just got my new job.
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[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, what is about to happen in my life?
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[SPEAKER_00]: Where is it about to take me?
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm so happy that that girl, cause you know, when you're going through something you're like, damn, I,
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that this could say the same.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that this person could stay in my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that I could still be doing this But the growth that has come from my life since then I'm so glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted because I didn't know God had all these things God had a huge Teddy Biverhani's back for me and I was sitting here crying over a little Damn little miniature, you know something like I just I didn't know what I was about to be receiving because I was losing all these things and I was so
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[SPEAKER_00]: Confused on why things had to go.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Now I know why certain things had to go and now understand why certain people had to go for too.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Robinson.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not God, I'm actually, you know, questions, I ain't questioning nothing anymore because I, it, it's, I've literally see all the work that he was doing in my life.
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[SPEAKER_00]: And I, I couldn't be more grateful and more understanding in this moment.
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[SPEAKER_00]: My 26th birthday, I did like a little Pilates class.
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[SPEAKER_00]: That's where this sign is from.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to a J.L.S.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Polari.
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[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, I had all my home girls.
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[SPEAKER_00]: I have my boyfriend's mom, Pat Bow, my boyfriend's sister, Pat Bow for me.
17:38.562 --> 17:39.342
[SPEAKER_00]: Who else?
17:39.462 --> 17:42.005
[SPEAKER_00]: Miss T-Tog, Tiana, he's Pat Bow for me.
17:42.385 --> 17:44.707
[SPEAKER_00]: Tiana also, Pat Bow, the live show.
17:44.787 --> 17:47.049
[SPEAKER_00]: My gosh, she's been so supportive of me this year.
17:47.089 --> 17:50.372
[SPEAKER_00]: And I over, more than the world, babe.
17:50.532 --> 17:51.453
[SPEAKER_00]: I, over a lot.
17:52.193 --> 17:53.094
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so shout out to her.
17:53.554 --> 17:55.056
[SPEAKER_00]: My 20's is where they have my boyfriend awful.
17:55.236 --> 17:56.737
[SPEAKER_00]: Also took me to Costa Rica.
17:57.738 --> 18:00.720
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's amazing because we had an amazing time.
18:00.760 --> 18:03.943
[SPEAKER_00]: Costa Rica was probably, no, I don't even want to say probably.
18:04.003 --> 18:06.905
[SPEAKER_00]: Costa Rica was the best trip I've ever been on in my life.
18:08.266 --> 18:21.697
[SPEAKER_00]: when I tell you he planned everything from the moment my feet landed in that damn airport to the moment I had to leave and it was like it was just the most magical peaceful thing that I had ever
18:23.165 --> 18:23.965
[SPEAKER_00]: enjoyed in my life.
18:24.085 --> 18:30.147
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had never seen anybody really take my birthday so seriously because I'm usually the one that takes it that seriously.
18:30.747 --> 18:34.008
[SPEAKER_00]: So for him to do all of that for me, it was amazing.
18:34.128 --> 18:35.849
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I had the time of my life.
18:35.909 --> 18:43.491
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to try to insert some pictures and some clips for y'all as this episode, you know, goes on to y'all could see all the things that I happened in my life.
18:43.551 --> 18:45.692
[SPEAKER_00]: But Costa Rica was phenomenal.
18:46.472 --> 18:48.214
[SPEAKER_00]: I would go back again and again.
18:48.414 --> 18:51.537
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to buy a farm and a house out there so fucking bad.
18:51.557 --> 18:57.623
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can just go out there and dip on y'all in, you know, I would love to record an episode in a Costa Rican rainforest like hello.
18:58.063 --> 18:59.304
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was amazing.
19:00.085 --> 19:03.048
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, trial ended for my cousin.
19:03.568 --> 19:04.529
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure.
19:04.870 --> 19:06.451
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I don't remember what the hell that's all John.
19:06.471 --> 19:09.194
[SPEAKER_00]: Remember where we are last conversation with left off babe.
19:09.294 --> 19:09.534
[SPEAKER_00]: But
19:10.466 --> 19:16.791
[SPEAKER_00]: I was my family and I were going to wear in the middle of trial for my cousin that was murdered in 2016.
19:16.911 --> 19:24.797
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so crazy because literally the trial ended in 2026 and he died 10 years ago.
19:24.957 --> 19:27.199
[SPEAKER_00]: So like it's just, it was insane.
19:27.759 --> 19:39.288
[SPEAKER_00]: Sitting in no court rooms, listening to all the things like it was just a lot, but about a grace of God and everybody, every angel of their work and with me including him,
19:40.187 --> 19:44.508
[SPEAKER_00]: We got a guilty verdict and maybe they're going to jail.
19:44.548 --> 19:46.209
[SPEAKER_00]: They're going to prison, excuse me.
19:46.269 --> 19:49.450
[SPEAKER_00]: They're going to prison, see you later.
19:49.690 --> 19:52.291
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, we got a guilty verdict.
19:52.731 --> 19:57.212
[SPEAKER_00]: So we are just waiting for sentencing, sentencing should be, we got a guilty verdict.
19:57.352 --> 20:07.295
[SPEAKER_00]: A full sentencing should be around a corner, hopefully, fingers crossed, because I really want to put that whole part of my life
20:10.143 --> 20:23.787
[SPEAKER_00]: When you lose somebody 10 years ago and you see evidence and footage and pictures of them and mug shots of them on the screen, it's almost like somebody's just ripping a bandit off all over again.
20:24.107 --> 20:36.330
[SPEAKER_00]: Or it's just like, I don't want to say that that wound was healed for me and my family because it I don't think it ever would be but we had just gotten to a place where we were kind of moving forward.
20:37.285 --> 20:47.516
[SPEAKER_00]: and trying to just like, you know, keep his name alive and just keep pushing and I think us going through that trial, I don't want to say it says back a little bit, but emotionally hell yeah, that's what we did.
20:48.817 --> 20:51.059
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really glad that that has been
20:52.293 --> 21:19.760
[SPEAKER_00]: over with I should say changes in my career started happening in April also because that was when I really started to see that people will love you when you come in and you could help them and you could make their job easier and you can do things slightly better than they can until you are in a school district that is predominantly white administration teachers and all of the things
21:20.420 --> 21:24.721
[SPEAKER_00]: and you're servicing black kids that they can connect to.
21:24.961 --> 21:36.423
[SPEAKER_00]: Once you start connecting to them and they start to love you and you start to really thrive in your in your in your position and in your your space, that's when they start to come.
21:37.143 --> 21:45.025
[SPEAKER_00]: So in April, April was tough for me because it was kind of like the places that I loved going because I love the kids and I love the people.
21:46.081 --> 21:53.333
[SPEAKER_00]: became places that I somewhat hated going, but I knew that I had to go and I stuck it out because I ended up, I loved the kids.
21:53.774 --> 21:56.999
[SPEAKER_00]: So I did a lot of it was for the kids, and I feel like,
21:57.904 --> 22:22.593
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, I don't regret anything that happened on a regret how anybody treated me, how anybody, because I, girl, and it was like walking in the hallways and you hear the side eyes, you see the whispers from all the white people and they're just looking at you as this black girl who just came made it, thought she was gonna save the day, but when I first came in, it was like, oh, we got this black girl, she's super cool, she's so educated, she's a genius, she's gonna help us, she's gonna take all of my problems away.
22:23.333 --> 22:44.104
[SPEAKER_00]: and I did until I started turning it around and being like, okay, I'm taking y'all problems away but you're not helping me, you're not, I'm giving y'all all the resources, all the information, all the things, everything, and y'all are not helping me, so that's what it kind of backfire because I was like, oh, no, you're not going to keep working me to the moment and reap it all my benefits when I'm doing all the work and it's not how it works here.
22:44.644 --> 22:48.646
[SPEAKER_00]: And I started also playing the same game as I, and then it was like, oh, we hate her getting her out of here.
22:48.926 --> 22:50.267
[SPEAKER_00]: So, but that's okay,
22:53.621 --> 22:58.704
[SPEAKER_00]: and also the organization I work for supported me throughout the whole way.
22:58.824 --> 23:05.109
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was never like I actually deserve to be removed or I just said, you know what I mean?
23:05.129 --> 23:08.931
[SPEAKER_00]: It was never like I didn't think wrong that justified them treating me the way that they did.
23:09.391 --> 23:16.376
[SPEAKER_00]: So them treating me the way that they did and seeing that it wasn't affecting me and I was going to love all my kids even more made it even worse.
23:23.540 --> 23:25.481
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I learned how to love almost kids.
23:25.541 --> 23:26.521
[SPEAKER_00]: I learned what they need.
23:26.561 --> 23:32.643
[SPEAKER_00]: I learned that it only takes one adult to actually sit a child down and listen to them for them to change how they behave.
23:33.183 --> 23:38.264
[SPEAKER_00]: It only take, I will never take for granted how many kids chose me to be their safer adult.
23:38.885 --> 23:43.106
[SPEAKER_00]: And when the school tried to pull, what they tried to pull and remove me from the building,
23:44.102 --> 24:05.932
[SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't up or I had students protesting, I had parents protesting, I had parents up with that school, I had kids not trying to do, I had kids and family's time and shit up for me and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen because that's exactly what I had been teaching them to do to advocate for yourself and advocate for what you want and what you love.
24:07.470 --> 24:12.171
[SPEAKER_00]: and do it respectfully, they literally did everything I had ever taught them to do.
24:12.711 --> 24:14.732
[SPEAKER_00]: It was sad because they had to do it for me.
24:15.392 --> 24:20.593
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I say all that to say, like, I've learned a lot in this career.
24:20.693 --> 24:24.474
[SPEAKER_00]: I love what I do, shortly after that I got a new promotion.
24:24.494 --> 24:25.814
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, you know what I mean?
24:25.834 --> 24:30.215
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, people keep trying to test me, keep trying to shit on me, and keep trying to act like I'm not that girl.
24:30.235 --> 24:33.156
[SPEAKER_00]: And act like I don't have this talent and all these things in this game.
24:33.596 --> 24:35.056
[SPEAKER_00]: And God is still blessing me.
24:35.296 --> 24:47.007
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, you know, I'm so, I don't want to say I'm so full of myself right now, but I'm so connected with God and I'm so connected to what he really has at the store for me because I see it and I feel it and I know it.
24:47.568 --> 24:54.895
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, that's the biggest lap in the face for somebody to like think that they beat me down and they broke me down and they took me out of a place and then I got a new blessing.
24:55.255 --> 24:56.436
[SPEAKER_00]: That comes with even bigger bang.
24:56.456 --> 24:57.057
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
24:57.077 --> 24:57.397
[SPEAKER_00]: So like,
24:58.158 --> 25:00.179
[SPEAKER_00]: You did all that for nothing, because I'm still that girl.
25:00.199 --> 25:01.139
[SPEAKER_00]: Them kids still love me.
25:01.179 --> 25:02.280
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just with them today.
25:02.300 --> 25:06.221
[SPEAKER_00]: I just took them skating like we, and also that's another thing.
25:06.241 --> 25:11.163
[SPEAKER_00]: The connections that I have with both of these, first of all, I worked in two different school districts.
25:11.503 --> 25:14.264
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, what they're down really white, what I'm put down really black.
25:14.604 --> 25:16.645
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was also like a back and forth thing where it's like,
25:17.838 --> 25:18.779
[SPEAKER_00]: mentally in my damn.
25:19.359 --> 25:21.821
[SPEAKER_00]: In the problem, like, when I'm like, okay, I've got to be on my music use.
25:21.841 --> 25:22.541
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to be down here.
25:22.561 --> 25:24.762
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I got to understand what I mean to me what I said.
25:25.403 --> 25:27.364
[SPEAKER_00]: In the black predominantly black school in my go.
25:27.384 --> 25:29.665
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I can put my guard down a little bit because they respect me.
25:29.685 --> 25:30.846
[SPEAKER_00]: They understand what I'm doing.
25:31.086 --> 25:33.548
[SPEAKER_00]: They appreciate the work that I'm doing because essentially it's helping them.
25:34.797 --> 25:49.238
[SPEAKER_00]: So, in the mix of getting both experiences, it was kind of like damn, this is such a mine fuck where it's like back and forth, back and forth all week, but I'm appreciative of both of the experiences at the same time because it really let me understand.
25:49.819 --> 25:52.542
[SPEAKER_00]: Well this school politics stuff is not a game.
25:52.762 --> 26:01.089
[SPEAKER_00]: These kids need people that are willing to step into the fire and step into the crossfire and actually advocate and support for them and do everything that I did.
26:01.109 --> 26:11.639
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't have any regrets as far as that because you know and now my promotion allows me to work with older kids because I was working with ages are you know grades 6 to 8 in the middle school.
26:12.488 --> 26:19.131
[SPEAKER_00]: And this new promotion allows me to work with the older kids who are in high school or involved in the criminal justice system.
26:19.171 --> 26:21.492
[SPEAKER_00]: So if they're on probation, they've been arrested.
26:21.592 --> 26:22.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm working with them.
26:22.573 --> 26:27.675
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is amazing because that's what I went to school for, which is why they essentially gave me the promotion.
26:28.516 --> 26:32.278
[SPEAKER_00]: So right now, I'm kind of in a limbo where I'm doing both in a sense.
26:32.378 --> 26:32.778
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm
26:33.478 --> 26:34.659
[SPEAKER_00]: I started this new position.
26:34.679 --> 26:40.083
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been doing great with that and then I'm also still holding my old position because I'm never going to let those kids go.
26:40.163 --> 26:40.743
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's be honest.
26:40.783 --> 26:41.884
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care who you hire.
26:42.184 --> 26:47.808
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care if you find somebody tomorrow to go in my position and there's never going to be another.
27:03.239 --> 27:04.220
[SPEAKER_00]: it for every kid.
27:04.440 --> 27:15.807
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to play at least one seed, tried to learn two to the least one lesson, and I know when they're 18, 19, 20 or even 26 and my age, they're going to look back and be like, oh, Miss Hill helped me down.
27:16.227 --> 27:21.731
[SPEAKER_00]: Miss Hill knew I was a good kid and she never let them convince her that I wasn't because of their perspective of me.
27:22.271 --> 27:26.494
[SPEAKER_00]: She listened to me, she did everything that she could to understand why I acted the way I acted.
27:27.174 --> 27:35.957
[SPEAKER_00]: And essentially, her understanding why I have the way I make me not want to act like that, made me want to show a positive representation of narrative of myself.
27:36.017 --> 27:38.958
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I know, because we never forget medical school.
27:38.978 --> 27:40.578
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget the team to the hat or that.
27:40.598 --> 27:43.539
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget the security guard that made us laugh every single day.
27:44.239 --> 27:45.039
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget that.
27:45.119 --> 27:55.843
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I'm in a good space, and I'm appreciative that God put me in this position to service those kids and those families because we're connected for life.
27:57.474 --> 28:14.610
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah, I like this and there was some good and some bad, but hey, they hate you they're gonna hate your regardless That's another thing that I like they go hate your regardless So why not do your job really really fucking well and put on your cutest little office outfit because that's another thing too Like I was always in that bitch
28:16.167 --> 28:28.612
[SPEAKER_00]: I was either super cute and classy or I was super cute and someone comfy with my sneakers on because I liked to be, I enjoyed showing up to school wearing the same sneakers as a lot of the kids that are walking around.
28:28.772 --> 28:34.114
[SPEAKER_00]: I enjoyed showing up to school in my jeans, in my cute shirt, like a lot of the kids that are walking around this school.
28:34.134 --> 28:35.154
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
28:35.515 --> 28:38.796
[SPEAKER_00]: The more they feel like you could relate to them, the more they'll fuck with you.
28:39.096 --> 28:40.637
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like when, uh,
28:42.218 --> 28:43.659
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I got it in my nose real quick.
28:44.139 --> 28:45.901
[SPEAKER_00]: The man from everybody hates Chris.
28:47.042 --> 28:51.546
[SPEAKER_00]: I had watched a interview of him and he had basically said, Tyler James Williams.
28:52.006 --> 29:01.354
[SPEAKER_00]: He had basically said, um, when kids see that when you walk into a school with sneakers on, it automatically grabs the kids attention.
29:01.374 --> 29:04.157
[SPEAKER_00]: So, especially if they have that pair of sneakers, sneakers is relatable.
29:04.197 --> 29:07.600
[SPEAKER_00]: So, when they see sneakers and fun habits that you're wearing to work,
29:08.617 --> 29:10.860
[SPEAKER_00]: the kids, it gives a feeling to relate to.
29:11.261 --> 29:16.447
[SPEAKER_00]: So sneakers are also, they also kind of, it kind of shortens the age that between you and the student.
29:16.748 --> 29:25.019
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's another thing that a lot of teachers or administration struggle with because it's like you're trying to be an authoritative like role in their life and you're trying to, you know,
29:26.190 --> 29:47.817
[SPEAKER_00]: reprimand them and do all the things but like you have to be relatable and obviously you're older than this child so there's automatically that there's automatically that age gap which kind of shortens your relatability span if you wish if you will so like doing things and acting how they act shows them that you are really a human like that and you really go to things like them so I just think that
29:49.792 --> 29:57.339
[SPEAKER_00]: new generations of teachers and counselors should strive to be more relatable because relatability is how you get kids to trust you with their feelings and their thoughts.
29:57.399 --> 29:58.120
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the only way.
29:58.480 --> 30:02.023
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're relatable, that's the only way they're gonna tell you the deepest arc of secrets.
30:02.043 --> 30:02.584
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
30:03.145 --> 30:06.988
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was my take on how I was going about it.
30:07.308 --> 30:13.274
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to be as relatable as possible and I know that my outfits was one thing that really started the relatability.
30:14.321 --> 30:15.984
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I enjoy my career.
30:16.004 --> 30:20.993
[SPEAKER_00]: I love everything that has taught me and the way it is maybe more aware of school systems and politics too.
30:21.433 --> 30:22.956
[SPEAKER_00]: So that one is time for me to have kids.
30:23.437 --> 30:24.098
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm I'm ready.
30:24.472 --> 30:27.134
[SPEAKER_00]: Could I think that I've gotten a lot of experience with them?
30:27.194 --> 30:29.435
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gotten a lot of experience with their parents, also.
30:29.496 --> 30:31.777
[SPEAKER_00]: So I know how things work.
30:31.857 --> 30:36.801
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that my old executive director, Res Mia, I love her.
30:37.141 --> 30:37.861
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm shout out to her.
30:37.962 --> 30:38.922
[SPEAKER_00]: She ever sees this.
30:39.423 --> 30:41.804
[SPEAKER_00]: But she has sent me a text message for a mother's day.
30:41.964 --> 30:49.690
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was basically like, I know you're not a mother yet, but the love that you pour into those kids, you are just as a mother as I am.
30:50.270 --> 30:51.211
[SPEAKER_00]: And that really stuck with me
30:55.298 --> 31:05.872
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of my kids have me saving their phone as either big sister, auntie, mom and law, step mom, all these things, not mom and law, but you know what I mean, I missed that mom.
31:05.892 --> 31:09.617
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and that speaks volumes because I feel like,
31:10.702 --> 31:13.284
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always tried to show up as the big sister role.
31:13.365 --> 31:22.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always tried to show up as just someone who was a part of your family who never really wanted to judge you and just recommend you all day because that was never my thing.
31:22.653 --> 31:26.777
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm holding you accountable and I'm telling you, if you're behind we're disappointed and I'm going to let you know that.
31:27.217 --> 31:32.440
[SPEAKER_00]: But I never wanted to lead with the authoritative figure because I just know that's not who I am.
31:32.480 --> 31:42.245
[SPEAKER_00]: That's really not So and especially when everybody else in the school building is operating in that mode and and leading with that I don't want that because I want you to look at me like, okay, this is coming.
31:42.365 --> 31:44.726
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I can be cool A sheet of cool week.
31:44.806 --> 31:45.627
[SPEAKER_00]: I can tell you about my day.
31:45.647 --> 31:48.808
[SPEAKER_00]: I can tell her how I'm feeling if I'm upset about something She's been listening to me.
31:48.909 --> 31:51.110
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to act like everything is okay.
31:51.130 --> 31:55.252
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't have to put on a show because I know she actually cares So I think that
31:57.297 --> 32:00.700
[SPEAKER_00]: That text really showed me, okay, I am doing a lot of work.
32:01.180 --> 32:02.821
[SPEAKER_00]: I am doing really, really good work.
32:03.402 --> 32:20.575
[SPEAKER_00]: Even from my birthday, one, the whole situation happened where the school tried to kind of remove me from the building, I should say, not only did my kids in my parents' protest, literally, when I told you literally, literally, on the day of my birthday, my birthday was a Monday.
32:21.497 --> 32:28.686
[SPEAKER_00]: Literally, all of my birthday then kids was protesting with science and vanners and everything that said, um, we need Miss Hill back.
32:28.726 --> 32:29.347
[SPEAKER_00]: Free Miss Hill.
32:29.367 --> 32:29.928
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya.
32:30.068 --> 32:30.548
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya.
32:30.628 --> 32:31.610
[SPEAKER_00]: I literally have them right here.
32:31.630 --> 32:31.910
[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on.
32:32.471 --> 32:32.691
[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on.
32:32.711 --> 32:33.372
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya right now.
32:33.592 --> 32:33.992
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait a second.
32:35.594 --> 32:36.816
[SPEAKER_00]: Me, let me give you one example.
32:37.437 --> 32:37.677
[SPEAKER_00]: Boom.
32:39.093 --> 32:44.176
[SPEAKER_00]: This was when I went to, when I went back to the school to go collect my things, this is what was on my door.
32:44.697 --> 32:49.980
[SPEAKER_00]: We need Miss Hillback, we love Miss Hill, get Miss Hillback, we love Miss Hill Justice from Miss Hill.
32:50.300 --> 32:53.382
[SPEAKER_00]: They knew that white people treated me wrong, and they still had my back.
32:53.402 --> 32:56.545
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, this is everything that I taught them to do.
32:56.945 --> 33:00.167
[SPEAKER_00]: I teach them to advocate for themselves, teach them to advocate for the things that they love.
33:00.427 --> 33:03.889
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's peaceful, and that's respectful, and they ain't nothing wrong with that.
33:04.190 --> 33:04.410
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
33:05.050 --> 33:06.051
[SPEAKER_00]: Act, child.
33:06.991 --> 33:08.752
[SPEAKER_00]: My job has never been easy.
33:08.972 --> 33:14.816
[SPEAKER_00]: It has been probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done day to day.
33:15.576 --> 33:18.958
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's been so, so gratifying because I know that them kids love me.
33:19.018 --> 33:20.359
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that them parents love me.
33:21.019 --> 33:26.402
[SPEAKER_00]: And my job literally consists of me advocating and supporting students and families in an out of school.
33:27.743 --> 33:28.744
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did exactly that.
33:28.844 --> 33:29.985
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm still doing that.
33:30.126 --> 33:34.871
[SPEAKER_00]: So in the love and acceptance, I have received from doing that has been amazing.
33:34.971 --> 33:41.238
[SPEAKER_00]: So I And even talking about it, I'm getting so emotional because I'm just like,
33:42.779 --> 33:51.624
[SPEAKER_00]: Even today like the love that I got from them today and just just hanging out with me like they really enjoy just being around and like my presence is enough for them.
33:51.744 --> 33:58.849
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and I never thought I would have I never have felt that before from a group of literally 12 13 year olds ever.
33:59.429 --> 34:04.372
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's just I'm really the school politics is hard and the school politics.
34:04.732 --> 34:09.015
[SPEAKER_00]: If I wasn't the person that I am today and if I didn't have the experience that I had.
34:10.730 --> 34:26.578
[SPEAKER_00]: in previous school districts that wasn't the best, I probably would have been discouraged going into this position, but because of the experience that I had and because of the knowledge that I already knew about my own personal experiences, I feel like it made me even more equipped to do this.
34:26.638 --> 34:31.860
[SPEAKER_00]: I have no problem being Miss Hill who was extra, who was passionate and really liked that about her kids.
34:31.920 --> 34:32.761
[SPEAKER_00]: Behind them kids,
34:33.541 --> 34:37.943
[SPEAKER_00]: If man should pop off, behind them kids, I'm probably seeing them right next to their mama's.
34:38.303 --> 34:58.973
[SPEAKER_00]: I even won't hold you, because a new mama's probably would be looking for me to like, wear this hell out, because they know I have literally helped those moms do a lot of things, I help those kids do a lot of things, and I will never start bringing about it, because my kids literally even for a Valentine's Day, I had one of my kids come get me from, I forget, I think I was in my office, something and she was like, I'll come, come down here.
35:00.102 --> 35:04.384
[SPEAKER_00]: We went to go to the, I, one of my students was in trouble, which, whatever, that's nothing new.
35:05.064 --> 35:07.565
[SPEAKER_00]: So she goes on and she's all ready for her.
35:07.805 --> 35:14.928
[SPEAKER_00]: These kids had wrote me speeches about how much they love me and presented them to me on Valentine's Day.
35:15.668 --> 35:20.592
[SPEAKER_00]: then one of the girl that had come to my office to come get me tough cookie really tough.
35:20.612 --> 35:30.460
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the same girl that had her own guide as counselor who has been there for years coming to me asking me for advice on how I can help her build her relationship with her.
35:30.961 --> 35:32.382
[SPEAKER_00]: And my job, I don't even have a couple months.
35:32.642 --> 35:33.243
[SPEAKER_00]: So again,
35:34.698 --> 35:35.099
[SPEAKER_00]: Impact.
35:35.459 --> 36:02.459
[SPEAKER_00]: Impact speaks volumes when you have people who have been in your been in a position similar to yours forever coming to you for your tips and tricks You do as I'm there right so again tough cookie She literally wrote on a whole on a huge post-aport 50 reasons why I love you on Valentine's Day Like and this one I'm saying like who what do you know that has 7th grade or taken time out of their day to do something like that like again The love and support that I've given to them
36:02.963 --> 36:04.344
[SPEAKER_00]: is why they cheat me the way that they do.
36:04.424 --> 36:12.508
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, no matter where I go, no matter who they try to put in my new position or put in my old position, missiles always make me that grown.
36:12.548 --> 36:13.908
[SPEAKER_00]: missiles always gonna be in their corner.
36:14.068 --> 36:20.231
[SPEAKER_00]: And shout out to Jackson because Jackson was literally the reason for Miss Hill.
36:20.331 --> 36:21.992
[SPEAKER_00]: He literally was my first student ever.
36:22.092 --> 36:27.055
[SPEAKER_00]: And he literally is the blueprint to how this all came about.
36:27.195 --> 36:30.977
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if it wasn't for me, meeting him, I probably wouldn't even be in this career path.
36:32.713 --> 36:39.925
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm here, I'm happy and I, I always want, I always said, I wanted to be, I always wanted to be the counselor, I wanted, I would have wanted.
36:40.453 --> 36:41.153
[SPEAKER_00]: when I was younger.
36:41.773 --> 36:43.654
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I did just that.
36:43.774 --> 36:49.075
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the, some of the events that I've played for them were like in December, we had a overnight retreat.
36:49.835 --> 36:53.236
[SPEAKER_00]: I called it a overnight retreat to give it like a fancy name but it was just like a sleepover.
36:54.136 --> 36:56.496
[SPEAKER_00]: We went to, you know, my organization's headquarters.
36:56.536 --> 37:00.717
[SPEAKER_00]: We had a sleepover, we had dinner together, we were our smoothies, it was amazing.
37:00.797 --> 37:06.179
[SPEAKER_00]: I always, like, even in that experience, I was like damn, I wish somebody would have did this for me when I was younger.
37:06.539 --> 37:07.799
[SPEAKER_00]: So really my whole,
37:08.837 --> 37:15.659
[SPEAKER_00]: purpose and mission in this role is just to do and give them every opportunity and every thing that I'd never had it when I was in middle school.
37:16.039 --> 37:17.359
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the middle school was a vital time.
37:17.399 --> 37:21.500
[SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of people, especially the administration and teachers now, they forget that.
37:21.540 --> 37:23.761
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been looking at them like, girl, you was in seven grade too.
37:24.081 --> 37:27.162
[SPEAKER_00]: When you was in seven grade, you wasn't walling out with your homies in a hallway?
37:27.862 --> 37:29.062
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, it was exactly.
37:29.383 --> 37:30.803
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's why I'm not tripping over.
37:31.103 --> 37:33.084
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't trip over nothing when it comes to those kids.
37:33.124 --> 37:34.084
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, they might get a little
37:39.280 --> 37:43.163
[SPEAKER_00]: So did I have 7th and 8th grade and 6th grade especially 6th grade get the fuck out of here.
37:43.203 --> 37:43.964
[SPEAKER_00]: I started with them.
37:44.484 --> 38:07.643
[SPEAKER_00]: I once I got once I started my position My kids had just got to 6th grade so I really have and they're about to be in eighth grade now I have some kids who went off to high school, but they're about to be 8th grade now So I've gotten them through pretty much their whole middle school career and I've done an amazing job And I'm happy that I was here for them because again It only takes one adult to believe in you and only takes one adult for you to be like okay
38:08.769 --> 38:11.890
[SPEAKER_00]: They understand me, so school is not so bad of a place now, you know?
38:12.390 --> 38:13.871
[SPEAKER_00]: So, she, I've done a lot.
38:13.931 --> 38:16.052
[SPEAKER_00]: I did the December sleep over.
38:16.072 --> 38:22.795
[SPEAKER_00]: I did a coat drive for them, where I collected coats and gave them old brand new coats, then I donated them to the local shelter.
38:23.555 --> 38:29.958
[SPEAKER_00]: They blackers three months, the blackers three months of assembly and in February that I did a lot of things.
38:30.018 --> 38:31.538
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done so many things with them.
38:40.093 --> 38:41.033
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I got that already.
38:41.073 --> 38:42.014
[SPEAKER_00]: I only want to talk about that.
38:42.394 --> 38:43.014
[SPEAKER_00]: Ghost 3 Go.
38:43.614 --> 38:44.814
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go back to Ghost 3 Go.
38:45.114 --> 38:45.895
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to Ghost 3 Go.
38:46.295 --> 38:51.056
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually know I went in May because I went the week after on birthday.
38:51.076 --> 38:52.657
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, it was the beginning of May the first week of May.
38:53.317 --> 38:54.077
[SPEAKER_00]: That's to remember my life.
38:54.397 --> 38:56.878
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, my question plans literally.
38:57.845 --> 38:59.647
[SPEAKER_00]: everything from beginning to ends.
38:59.967 --> 39:02.429
[SPEAKER_00]: He had us in two different Airbnb's.
39:02.930 --> 39:04.031
[SPEAKER_00]: We went for a whole week.
39:04.111 --> 39:09.276
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was like the first week was in a different Airbnb in like the jungle side of Costa Rica.
39:09.656 --> 39:16.662
[SPEAKER_00]: Then the second week, the second half of the week, we went to a different Airbnb that was like every day with those in like the city side of Costa Rica.
39:17.023 --> 39:17.723
[SPEAKER_00]: Which again, like
39:18.644 --> 39:26.287
[SPEAKER_00]: He had paid so much attention to all of the things that I loved in the amount of time that I knew him and was with him to where all of it came out in this trip.
39:26.327 --> 39:29.008
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I loved, I'm going to earth sign up with tourists.
39:29.028 --> 39:32.470
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, we love to be outside, we love to be in the jungle, we love to be all doing all these things.
39:32.730 --> 39:36.572
[SPEAKER_00]: But I also have Miss City Girl too, so I love to be in the city and I love to see different things out.
39:36.992 --> 39:42.194
[SPEAKER_00]: So like the two different air and bean bees and the two different spaces in Costa Rica was like everything for me.
39:42.694 --> 39:47.136
[SPEAKER_00]: I just think that like it was so romantic and very personal to us, a personal to me.
39:48.163 --> 39:53.426
[SPEAKER_00]: I, in the beginning of our relationship, he had asked me, like, where would you like to go?
39:54.087 --> 39:54.987
[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, goes to Rika.
39:55.708 --> 40:00.811
[SPEAKER_00]: So, like, for him to take me there and be so adamant about it, and I didn't go live.
40:01.271 --> 40:04.093
[SPEAKER_00]: Up until my birthday when he was like, oh, we're going to close Rika, I did not believe him.
40:04.693 --> 40:11.057
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not believe him, because you know, you know how I mean, you know, sometimes a lot of men out there,
40:11.883 --> 40:13.784
[SPEAKER_00]: be talking and they're like, oh, I'm gonna do this.
40:13.824 --> 40:15.385
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this and they never do it.
40:16.046 --> 40:19.568
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just at a point where like, you gonna have to show me, you know what I mean?
40:20.068 --> 40:22.210
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and he definitely showed me, I ain't gonna lie.
40:22.250 --> 40:23.130
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna shut up after this.
40:23.411 --> 40:24.772
[SPEAKER_00]: But, I did not believe him.
40:25.292 --> 40:26.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not believe him at all.
40:26.253 --> 40:29.755
[SPEAKER_00]: So when he pulled it off the way that he pulled it off, I was lonely.
40:29.915 --> 40:33.377
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I really, really, really was fucking lonely.
40:33.397 --> 40:35.719
[SPEAKER_00]: He did his fucking bed fuck.
40:35.999 --> 40:36.940
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a quote from,
40:38.268 --> 40:40.749
[SPEAKER_00]: the movie, Bruce and Bolas.
40:41.469 --> 40:44.190
[SPEAKER_00]: If you didn't see that movie, go watch that movie is amazing.
40:44.790 --> 40:49.892
[SPEAKER_00]: But they did an interview, title up hell, that an interview with Kee E Palmer.
40:49.912 --> 40:53.733
[SPEAKER_00]: And he said, we always feel like we have to have everything figured out to receive love.
40:54.294 --> 40:55.594
[SPEAKER_00]: But love meets you where you're at.
40:56.474 --> 41:03.877
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I heard that, it immediately made me thankful that I gave the relationship that I'm currently in, a chance, because
41:05.450 --> 41:15.259
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like he came in at a time where I had done so much work on me on myself and I was also doing so much healing and reflecting that I think he caught me at the perfect time.
41:15.760 --> 41:24.207
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like if he would have caught me two years before it wouldn't have worked because I don't know if I was necessarily in the mindset to even receive a love like this for real.
41:25.368 --> 41:30.593
[SPEAKER_00]: And also like after the boss, I'm not to keep going back to the boss man episode because I feel like I refer to that a lot.
41:31.234 --> 41:31.454
[SPEAKER_00]: But.
41:33.035 --> 41:40.337
[SPEAKER_00]: In that episode, I had also just left a super, like, tumultuous situation.
41:41.097 --> 41:51.199
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, when I met my boyfriend, what, two, three months later, it was like, and I go, I knew that man was fine.
41:51.239 --> 41:52.460
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, are you kidding me?
41:52.500 --> 41:57.521
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, I don't even want to put him on his couch, because I don't even want to stare at him, drool it through the camera.
41:59.585 --> 42:00.426
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew he was fine.
42:00.626 --> 42:02.067
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I knew he was fine.
42:02.087 --> 42:02.908
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you crazy?
42:03.548 --> 42:05.490
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, it was almost like, he's fine.
42:05.510 --> 42:06.310
[SPEAKER_00]: But I gotta say the way.
42:06.450 --> 42:07.011
[SPEAKER_00]: I gotta say the way.
42:07.031 --> 42:08.432
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that is the first one.
42:08.452 --> 42:10.593
[SPEAKER_00]: I just came off of some fucking fucked up shit.
42:11.034 --> 42:11.954
[SPEAKER_00]: Just went through some shit.
42:12.195 --> 42:13.456
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to get my shit together.
42:13.516 --> 42:14.697
[SPEAKER_00]: I just got this new job.
42:14.877 --> 42:17.078
[SPEAKER_00]: I really need to fucking focus and stay ton of vision.
42:17.419 --> 42:21.422
[SPEAKER_00]: So for the first, I probably met him in, I want to say the,
42:22.082 --> 42:43.111
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I was at the beginning of April, we didn't go on our first date and really start talking until the end of May because I was just like not like I'm not even about to I ain't even about to do on it because I'm really Focus on me right now because I've been through so much during that time so like I'm happy that when I did meet him and it did
42:52.668 --> 43:04.850
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that also was one of the big reasons where I was like, no, I'm gonna give this minute chance because he's working his ass off to really get to know me and really make me feel safe and comfortable and just happy to be around him.
43:05.350 --> 43:21.133
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm happy that I gave it the chance that I did because I don't know if I would have listened to my mind instead of my heart, I probably would have taken much longer to even let him get next to me and say hello for him.
43:21.747 --> 43:27.690
[SPEAKER_00]: But because I've just, and he also really still different, he's still, but it felt like, okay, let me get this a try.
43:27.710 --> 43:29.111
[SPEAKER_00]: This could be really fucking good.
43:29.451 --> 43:32.393
[SPEAKER_00]: I just came off some whack shit with some fucking terrible people.
43:32.833 --> 43:35.154
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me like, you know, he's a cool dude.
43:35.174 --> 43:39.016
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, you know, I was like, fuck, let me try it.
43:39.036 --> 43:48.922
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really, really glad I did, because that's a man that takes the time to help you unburn on healthy tendencies and habits.
43:51.878 --> 43:52.358
[SPEAKER_00]: add to them.
43:52.978 --> 44:03.262
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was different within itself for me because the sign damn you're not adding to my trauma, you're not adding to my toxicity, you're not adding to why I feel like I can't trust niggas in this fuck them.
44:03.302 --> 44:11.405
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a no you're he's well, there's so many times where he's literally sat me down and literally rewire my brain chemistry within one conversation.
44:11.665 --> 44:12.185
[SPEAKER_00]: So like
44:14.475 --> 44:25.306
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's just been so interesting to see the relationship grow because navigating a relationship when you both have two totally different upbringings is also very different because he was raised around a live woman.
44:25.346 --> 44:27.688
[SPEAKER_00]: He has his mom, his grandma.
44:28.329 --> 44:29.450
[SPEAKER_00]: He was a raise around a lot of women.
44:29.470 --> 44:33.094
[SPEAKER_00]: So when it comes to handling women, he does it so beautifully.
44:33.714 --> 44:36.557
[SPEAKER_00]: He knows how to be emotionally mature.
44:37.939 --> 44:38.259
[SPEAKER_00]: All done.
44:40.103 --> 44:43.067
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, if I'm a doctor parking he's so emotionally mature.
44:43.588 --> 44:49.516
[SPEAKER_00]: He's so emotionally intelligent like he gets everything He knows when like my emotions shift.
44:49.556 --> 44:50.878
[SPEAKER_00]: He knows when my mood shifts.
44:51.318 --> 44:57.226
[SPEAKER_00]: I just I I have never had somebody handle me with such care and such delicate see it's almost like
44:58.027 --> 45:03.810
[SPEAKER_00]: He's handling me as if God literally handed me to him directly and said, listen, take care of this one.
45:04.030 --> 45:21.679
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you really need to be careful and he understood the assignment because him being raised like that and no one had a treat me and be soft and all the things versus me being raised around all these men who and I'm operating in such an Afro-female energy and such a masculine energy to where I'm
45:26.155 --> 45:42.421
[SPEAKER_00]: I have the, I have the, I have the overly independent, I have the aggressiveness, I have all of the things of a woman who was raised around a whole bunch of, and you got to think, I have so many brothers, I have unfold, I have fucking male cousins out the ass, like literally, it's like insane.
45:42.541 --> 45:47.963
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like I didn't realize that your different, our different upbringings,
45:49.004 --> 46:03.592
[SPEAKER_00]: affect us every single day in a day-to-day basis because even when my man is like soft and sweet at his nurturing sometimes sometimes it irritates the fuck at him and sometimes it really pisses me off because I'm like are you trying to make me feel like I'm a bitch for real?
46:04.032 --> 46:04.592
[SPEAKER_00]: you know what I mean?
46:04.932 --> 46:07.413
[SPEAKER_00]: mind you hello babe you are one you know?
46:07.794 --> 46:15.838
[SPEAKER_00]: so it's like why am I being why am I getting irritated by somebody trying to take care of me and take the load off for my shoulders?
46:16.854 --> 46:20.038
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm irritated because I have never had anybody do that.
46:20.058 --> 46:22.462
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm irritated because that was raised around all these men.
46:22.862 --> 46:32.595
[SPEAKER_00]: And I literally watched and you know how it is, men in society get the worst end of the state when it comes to providing for their families, taking care of their children, doing all these things.
46:33.138 --> 46:39.100
[SPEAKER_00]: I have the epitome of the coolest, dopest, uncles, cousins, brothers, all the things.
46:39.140 --> 46:44.341
[SPEAKER_00]: So I have seen men get out the mud and hustle and really be independent and do their own thing.
46:44.561 --> 46:45.581
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's all I've known.
46:45.921 --> 46:49.722
[SPEAKER_00]: So when it came to him being soft and nurturing with me, a lumbar slut, I took a fence to it.
46:49.982 --> 46:53.063
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's like, babe, I'm independent as fuck.
46:53.283 --> 46:55.404
[SPEAKER_00]: I can do all this shit without you and plus then some.
46:55.844 --> 46:56.304
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's like,
46:57.044 --> 46:58.085
[SPEAKER_00]: He never even asked me that.
46:58.105 --> 47:02.469
[SPEAKER_00]: He never even, it was never about if I could do it for myself or anything.
47:02.529 --> 47:05.392
[SPEAKER_00]: It was about, I know you can do it for yourself, but let me do it for you.
47:05.652 --> 47:06.994
[SPEAKER_00]: So you don't have to do it for yourself.
47:07.594 --> 47:13.380
[SPEAKER_00]: And like over the year of being in this relationship with him, it has taken so much time for me to unlearn.
47:13.420 --> 47:14.281
[SPEAKER_00]: That should I still,
47:15.001 --> 47:16.842
[SPEAKER_00]: I still haven't fully grasped it.
47:17.463 --> 47:21.546
[SPEAKER_00]: Because even yesterday, it was being so nice and so sweet and I was just not in the mood.
47:21.586 --> 47:27.590
[SPEAKER_00]: First of all, I had barely fucking like he took me to a movie and I was just the most of the movie was always like, okay, can we go to bed now?
47:27.990 --> 47:28.510
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
47:28.530 --> 47:29.111
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's just like...
47:30.059 --> 47:31.941
[SPEAKER_00]: And even he was being so free like, are you okay?
47:31.961 --> 47:37.306
[SPEAKER_00]: It was, it was irritating the living shit out of me because like, bro, I'm cool.
47:37.767 --> 47:38.267
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm straight.
47:38.608 --> 47:44.974
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, let's just go home because again, when I got into, when I'm in a bad mood, my brother's leaving me to fuck alone.
47:44.994 --> 47:48.297
[SPEAKER_00]: They know, oh, let's not fuck with that, but let's leave her to fuck alone.
47:48.337 --> 47:51.661
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, I'm not used to people being like, okay, are you okay?
47:52.121 --> 47:52.741
[SPEAKER_00]: tell me what's wrong.
47:53.041 --> 47:53.962
[SPEAKER_00]: How can I help you fix it?
47:54.002 --> 47:55.862
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's also a solution based person.
47:56.202 --> 47:58.903
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I get him a problem, he's going to try to solve it.
47:58.923 --> 48:02.744
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm telling him I'm tired, he's going to race me home so I can get in the bed.
48:02.804 --> 48:03.324
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
48:03.884 --> 48:06.405
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like sometimes I'm not really looking for you to solve my problem.
48:06.425 --> 48:07.665
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I just look at for you to listen.
48:08.125 --> 48:09.026
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I want to solve it myself.
48:09.726 --> 48:10.606
[SPEAKER_00]: Again trauma.
48:10.726 --> 48:11.406
[SPEAKER_00]: I know crazy.
48:11.886 --> 48:12.627
[SPEAKER_00]: It's crazy.
48:15.743 --> 48:23.186
[SPEAKER_00]: grateful that God did not give me what I thought I wanted back then because I did not know that he had this amazing of a blessing for me now.
48:24.027 --> 48:31.210
[SPEAKER_00]: And this blessing is so amazing that it's allowing me to again, onward, all of my negative behaviors.
48:31.842 --> 48:34.543
[SPEAKER_00]: and learn and pour so much into myself.
48:35.023 --> 48:44.205
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to say that like when I first started dating this man, I said, I want to get to a point where I love myself and I see myself the way that he sees me and the way that he loves me.
48:44.525 --> 48:50.206
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he, that may worship the ground that I fucking walk on, literally.
48:50.727 --> 48:52.547
[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't until a couple months ago.
48:53.118 --> 48:56.260
[SPEAKER_00]: that I finally was like, oh no, I love her the same way.
48:56.540 --> 48:57.181
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not more.
48:57.541 --> 48:58.081
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
48:58.101 --> 49:01.383
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, because you can't love yourself, you can't love nobody else until you love yourself for room.
49:01.823 --> 49:04.425
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, can't pour from the empty cup.
49:04.465 --> 49:12.970
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's something I really had to learn because I was like, if I don't learn that, if I don't love myself equally as much if not more as this man loves me, I'm a loser when he gonna lose me.
49:13.190 --> 49:14.611
[SPEAKER_00]: One way or another, and we gonna lose each other.
49:14.991 --> 49:17.353
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was something that I really was like, okay.
49:19.223 --> 49:28.766
[SPEAKER_00]: Number one, I want to love him the way that he loves me because not only does he take care of me but he really poisoned to me when it comes to words of affirmation or just like everything.
49:29.086 --> 49:31.687
[SPEAKER_00]: Every fucking, he checks every fucking box.
49:32.388 --> 49:34.909
[SPEAKER_00]: But also, shit, we'll play that essay.
49:35.609 --> 49:35.889
[SPEAKER_00]: Fuck.
49:39.170 --> 49:40.651
[SPEAKER_00]: Shit, I don't know, swear.
49:42.238 --> 49:54.208
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so I think that this relationship has probably been something that again, I'd never start coming, but I'm grateful that God felt like it was time for me to receive.
49:54.709 --> 50:05.218
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I think that this is probably the most amazing blessing that God has given me because it is so interesting because I had to had a conversation with
50:06.681 --> 50:11.724
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, Tiana actually and I also had the conversation on camera with Raya, which I'll see next week.
50:11.764 --> 50:18.988
[SPEAKER_00]: But my last relationship had ended probably like four months before I met the person on him with now.
50:19.568 --> 50:26.252
[SPEAKER_00]: And in that four month time span, the whole boss man's situation fucking happened and that like I was just so tricked out so like,
50:28.144 --> 50:36.667
[SPEAKER_00]: Tiana had asked me like how are you so receptive to this new love after that situation had ended or after your last relationship and then after that situation.
50:37.728 --> 50:45.511
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just have to say that like God's timing that he has had for me has been so...
50:59.711 --> 51:06.720
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm happy everything happened the way that it did because I wouldn't be as prepared for this love that I have now.
51:07.300 --> 51:14.209
[SPEAKER_00]: So not only does he check over my box, so then he takes care of me and he helps me in tremendous ways and I've ever been helped before.
51:14.229 --> 51:14.349
[SPEAKER_00]: But...
51:16.462 --> 51:20.664
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's just helping me figure out all the rest of my life also.
51:21.184 --> 51:24.425
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is somebody that I can talk about my career and my finances with.
51:24.665 --> 51:28.767
[SPEAKER_00]: This is somebody that I can talk about my gym and my weight loss journey with.
51:28.787 --> 51:29.307
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
51:29.347 --> 51:32.749
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is somebody that I could really talk about every aspect of life with.
51:32.789 --> 51:37.370
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's going to understand, and he's going to do everything that he can to help me find this solution.
51:37.451 --> 51:39.651
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm grateful, I'm strong, grateful.
51:39.671 --> 51:41.952
[SPEAKER_00]: This is when this is the best relationship I've ever been in my life.
51:41.992 --> 51:43.013
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be here forever.
51:43.073 --> 51:43.413
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
51:44.723 --> 51:55.589
[SPEAKER_00]: Another topic that I really want to talk about is my friendships, because that has been the heart, one of the heart's fucking parts of my life as of recently.
51:55.709 --> 52:08.817
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I just, in April of the beginning of April, I ended a 10 year plus relationship for friendship with one of my really, really, really good friends because,
52:14.862 --> 52:18.463
[SPEAKER_00]: And my, kind of, doesn't have a, put it back to me.
52:18.483 --> 52:40.927
[SPEAKER_00]: So my mouth absolutely, but basically she had told me that for the past two years, she had been kind of tallying all of the things that she was not okay with, I guess, that I either said to her or I did to her or whatever, and decided to tell them all to me the beginning of my birthday month.
52:42.237 --> 53:05.626
[SPEAKER_00]: And deemed it as, I was someone that she did not feel like she could express herself openly to, without me being confrontational, to say to least, and, y'all know me, yes, if I feel like I gotta take it there, I will take it there, and I will be confrontational, I'll be aggressive, I'll be fucking disrespectful, I'll do, I'll be all the things.
53:06.166 --> 53:08.607
[SPEAKER_00]: But when it comes to the people I love, that's not me.
53:09.523 --> 53:19.272
[SPEAKER_00]: So for that to be her perspective and her narrative, that hurt me more than anything that has hurt me recently, surely it honestly.
53:19.613 --> 53:20.834
[SPEAKER_00]: That should still hurts me.
53:20.894 --> 53:27.460
[SPEAKER_00]: I still think about it because it's like, when you lose somebody like that, in the midst of you,
53:27.960 --> 53:30.282
[SPEAKER_00]: Gaining all these new friendships and meeting all these new people.
53:30.623 --> 53:40.111
[SPEAKER_00]: You're siding every fucking body because it's like that shit was weird for you to feel some time We're about me for two whole years and a whole time on you for the whole two years.
53:40.131 --> 53:41.653
[SPEAKER_00]: We kick in it We hang it out.
53:41.893 --> 53:43.454
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going on date double dates.
53:43.514 --> 53:49.580
[SPEAKER_00]: We we're doing a lot of things that would make me continue to believe that we had something that we really didn't so
53:50.550 --> 53:54.273
[SPEAKER_00]: That is so weird and so evil to me.
53:54.353 --> 53:56.194
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that should have so fucking hurtful.
53:56.214 --> 53:59.157
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, even when I'm talking about it now, I'm trying to be mindful again.
53:59.177 --> 54:01.459
[SPEAKER_00]: Try to be mindful of what I say and what I don't say.
54:01.839 --> 54:03.900
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, it's not about me bashing the person.
54:03.920 --> 54:05.402
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about me sharing my experience.
54:05.982 --> 54:09.405
[SPEAKER_00]: And my experience, I just thought that she was black.
54:09.425 --> 54:12.307
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought that she was really, really weird to say the least.
54:12.447 --> 54:14.949
[SPEAKER_00]: As someone that I was, frankly, it was friends with for 10 years.
54:15.409 --> 54:16.971
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'm looking at everybody sideways.
54:17.011 --> 54:19.773
[SPEAKER_00]: And I kind of have put myself in a little bit of my isolation mode.
54:20.861 --> 54:21.801
[SPEAKER_00]: because I don't know who to trust.
54:21.821 --> 54:24.282
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who was really here for the long one.
54:24.302 --> 54:26.003
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who really has my back for real.
54:26.023 --> 54:35.986
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know much about anything when it comes to the whole friendship act with a life and I feel like I have someone that I have a close friends on my Instagram, on my personal Instagram.
54:36.486 --> 54:39.247
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the girls that's in there, shout out to Autumn, love you down.
54:40.087 --> 54:49.371
[SPEAKER_00]: She had been posting a lot about her friendships turning sour and her friends turning into haters and being weird and I never thought
54:51.202 --> 54:53.043
[SPEAKER_00]: but it's so funny because Autumn is a tourist too.
54:54.704 --> 55:08.131
[SPEAKER_00]: And Autumn is so funny because it's so funny when you see other people who are the same zodiac sign as you who act just like you and speak just like, it's just so funny because she, I see so many similarities between me and her.
55:09.331 --> 55:15.554
[SPEAKER_00]: So when she had been hosting about it for like, you know, she even was meant for a while because she was going through it for a while with a multiple of her friends.
55:16.095 --> 55:18.396
[SPEAKER_00]: Thankfully, it's only one for me because girl.
55:19.130 --> 55:21.911
[SPEAKER_00]: But that was when it triggered my mind like down.
55:22.832 --> 55:23.532
[SPEAKER_00]: That sucks.
55:23.892 --> 55:25.933
[SPEAKER_00]: And I literally, too much later, she didn't happen to me.
55:26.153 --> 55:30.095
[SPEAKER_00]: Girl, then I was watching the podcast behind the likes.
55:30.415 --> 55:31.576
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that show.
55:32.296 --> 55:32.536
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
55:33.396 --> 55:36.898
[SPEAKER_00]: But they had been asking each other questions about friendships and everything.
55:36.998 --> 55:43.341
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of them that stuck out to me was like, if you met your friend as the person you are now, would you still want to be their friend?
55:45.942 --> 55:47.843
[SPEAKER_00]: And what this particular situation,
55:49.337 --> 55:51.158
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's a great question.
55:51.458 --> 55:57.281
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I feel like we often try to say that history is what makes everything like.
55:57.321 --> 56:00.262
[SPEAKER_00]: The longer you know somebody, the better the friendship and all the things.
56:00.302 --> 56:05.965
[SPEAKER_00]: But realistically, I knew somebody for 10 years and I feel like at the end of the friendship, she never really knows shit about me.
56:06.005 --> 56:06.785
[SPEAKER_00]: She didn't know me at all.
56:07.525 --> 56:12.988
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's crazy because you were in my life for 10 years and I'll fuck you don't know how I really operate and how I really am.
56:13.548 --> 56:14.608
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know what I mean?
56:14.628 --> 56:16.469
[SPEAKER_00]: That just baffles the shit out of me.
56:19.009 --> 56:29.231
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I haven't looked at all my friendships like them, no matter if I met you two years though, five years ago, a tech fucking years ago, what if I met you right now, two a day in 2026, what I want to fuck with you?
56:29.971 --> 56:37.752
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that it's so logical and it really has had me breaking down and analyzing every single one of my friendships, because sometimes the answer may be no.
56:38.472 --> 56:46.374
[SPEAKER_00]: And if it's no, then like, what the fuck change, but then also if it's no, we also have to understand that in our friendships, we're not always going to be the same people.
56:47.272 --> 57:09.016
[SPEAKER_00]: I said in another post where it was like how do you how are you in your best friends how have you in your best friend been friends for so long and it's like because we didn't expect each other to be the same so it's like You know it's a toss of it's friendships being my friendships to be exact are so hard because I and I was talking about this with my boyfriend the other day and I was like when men fight
57:10.039 --> 57:28.278
[SPEAKER_00]: y'all might shoot the dirty real quick and be cool the next day because of like you know what bro I was tripping I fuck with you you my homie for you like I was tripping female friendships are so much more emotionally based and so oh my god there's so many things that go on to it and like a French a female friendship break up
57:29.438 --> 57:31.920
[SPEAKER_00]: is probably worse than breaking over your man.
57:32.440 --> 57:35.502
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is so fucking painful.
57:35.542 --> 57:44.428
[SPEAKER_00]: We are in July, and I am sitting talking about this friendship that ended in April because when I tell you that should have been so painful, it's unbelievable.
57:45.209 --> 57:48.091
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's so many things that I've just been learning about friendship, because it's like,
57:49.540 --> 57:52.162
[SPEAKER_00]: You also, also, fun fact, another thing to say.
57:52.842 --> 57:55.864
[SPEAKER_00]: As women, we give these men so many chances, chances of the chance of chance.
57:55.884 --> 57:57.585
[SPEAKER_00]: If your home girl fuck up, one time, you dumb and her.
57:57.725 --> 57:59.567
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what, that doesn't make any sense.
57:59.707 --> 58:00.627
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my God, are we okay?
58:01.108 --> 58:02.669
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we all of, we fucking okay?
58:03.269 --> 58:12.295
[SPEAKER_00]: Then another Instagram reel I saw was a woman basically saying, like, fine friends that love their lives and love themselves so that they don't start to hate you later on.
58:14.055 --> 58:16.216
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, when I saw that, that was a fucking bar.
58:16.596 --> 58:17.676
[SPEAKER_00]: That was a fucking bar.
58:17.756 --> 58:22.037
[SPEAKER_00]: Find friends that love themselves and love their lives so that they don't hate you down the line.
58:23.018 --> 58:23.618
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my goodness.
58:23.978 --> 58:25.138
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, sorry, my life.
58:25.718 --> 58:35.561
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, then I'm going back and forth because it's like, I kind of wish that there, I wish that I didn't share so many deep things with certain people.
58:36.014 --> 58:41.438
[SPEAKER_00]: because it was rare news against me and it ended up, you and I knew I'm gonna be in my life for real for the long run.
58:41.579 --> 59:01.815
[SPEAKER_00]: But then again, I can't even say that because I just never thought it would be used against me and I really thought we was friends and I feel like as friends, you bet to each other and you tell each other things and you use each other as outlets and that's exactly what I did so I can't really be mad at myself or beat myself up or even expand on that thought when it's like, oh, I wish I never told her this, I wish I never did this.
59:02.842 --> 59:17.133
[SPEAKER_00]: Girl, if I did that, I'd be depressed as hell, because this is the same person that when Bain died three years ago, this is the first person that my member, remember, my mom was at a town.
59:17.813 --> 59:21.676
[SPEAKER_00]: So what Bain died, she called all my home girls, my uncle, my auntie, everything.
59:22.377 --> 59:26.840
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the first person that my mom hopped on the phone with and said, y'all, I'm at a town.
59:27.201 --> 59:28.942
[SPEAKER_00]: Bain just died, I really need you to get to the hospital.
59:29.643 --> 59:34.004
[SPEAKER_00]: And this person sat with me in the hospital when my dog died for hours.
59:34.564 --> 59:40.746
[SPEAKER_00]: So excuse me for being fucking angry, excuse me for really being confused as to how we got here.
59:41.366 --> 59:43.347
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm gonna let you rock, because that's how you feel about me.
59:43.567 --> 59:49.929
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I can't, I can't change no narrative that you created in your head about me.
59:50.069 --> 59:50.729
[SPEAKER_00]: That's untrue.
59:51.509 --> 59:54.350
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, y'all, whatever, you see it here and over there.
59:56.130 --> 01:00:00.453
[SPEAKER_00]: There has been so much growth in how I've been handling things that that's my main focus.
01:00:01.053 --> 01:00:05.597
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, you told me I was confrontational, you told me I was aggressive and what did I do?
01:00:06.557 --> 01:00:07.118
[SPEAKER_00]: I got out of the car.
01:00:07.138 --> 01:00:10.520
[SPEAKER_00]: I immediately got out of the car and I walked away and said we're going to have to talk about this another day.
01:00:10.540 --> 01:00:16.124
[SPEAKER_00]: Because once you hurt my feelings to a point that I feel like there is no return, yeah, become confrontational.
01:00:16.383 --> 01:00:19.966
[SPEAKER_00]: So in that moment, I said, you know what I love you, but I gotta remove myself in this conversation.
01:00:20.026 --> 01:00:22.608
[SPEAKER_00]: So I never even got a chance to defend myself real.
01:00:23.288 --> 01:00:31.135
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, you know, so there's a lot of, I will remove myself before I put myself in a position for you to create any narrative about me at this point.
01:00:31.415 --> 01:00:35.038
[SPEAKER_00]: And that friendship ending taught me now, for sure.
01:00:35.518 --> 01:00:37.820
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm accepting all narratives of those who know me.
01:00:37.920 --> 01:00:40.562
[SPEAKER_00]: I may be an asshole to some, I may be a base to others.
01:00:40.782 --> 01:00:42.303
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you call me a bitch, yeah, I'm a bitch.
01:00:42.323 --> 01:00:44.205
[SPEAKER_00]: So at least I rather be a bitch,
01:00:45.952 --> 01:00:50.362
[SPEAKER_00]: I really be a bitch who don't let people play in her face, then not be a bitch.
01:00:51.743 --> 01:00:52.724
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, truly.
01:00:52.884 --> 01:01:00.567
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I accept all narratives, somebody might tell you I'm an asshole, one person might tell you I'm the most amazing person in the world, believe them all.
01:01:01.168 --> 01:01:04.089
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, believe them all, rely on an asshole, yeah, sometimes.
01:01:04.569 --> 01:01:09.872
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am proud of, I'm nine times that pretend to be most amazing people that most amazing person that people meet often.
01:01:10.132 --> 01:01:13.054
[SPEAKER_00]: So believe them all, believe them all, believe them all narratives.
01:01:13.394 --> 01:01:13.894
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care.
01:01:14.194 --> 01:01:19.217
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, I went from someone who felt like she had to explain herself all the time.
01:01:20.326 --> 01:01:25.268
[SPEAKER_00]: So that there was no gray areas and so people couldn't take their take my words and run with it and create their own perception.
01:01:26.308 --> 01:01:31.270
[SPEAKER_00]: To someone who will let you believe whatever you want and from the preliminary if you want you.
01:01:31.670 --> 01:01:32.070
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care.
01:01:32.530 --> 01:01:36.111
[SPEAKER_00]: Your perception of me does not really essentially have anything to do with me.
01:01:36.532 --> 01:01:37.012
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
01:01:37.032 --> 01:01:37.692
[SPEAKER_00]: That's on you.
01:01:37.832 --> 01:01:40.453
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'm not changing nobody's narrative.
01:01:40.493 --> 01:01:42.174
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing another that I'm cool.
01:01:42.974 --> 01:01:44.574
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a little astrology fact.
01:01:48.403 --> 01:01:55.088
[SPEAKER_00]: your rate since May of 2018 and formally locking in during March 2019.
01:01:56.490 --> 01:02:04.796
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus has left tourists, which means that that is the end of a rough seven years for toruses, leos, Scorpios, and Aquarius'.
01:02:05.377 --> 01:02:08.379
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus is a planet of sudden change, chaos, and liberation.
01:02:09.000 --> 01:02:11.842
[SPEAKER_00]: It has been shaking up your traditionally ground plate.
01:02:12.383 --> 01:02:12.663
[SPEAKER_00]: What?
01:02:14.495 --> 01:02:29.945
[SPEAKER_00]: is when shaking up your traditionally grounded stability loving sign, Uranus through tourists, which officially ended on April 26th, April 25th, 2026, two days before, my 26th birthday, let's keep that in mind.
01:02:30.786 --> 01:02:33.287
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus will not return to tours for another 84 years.
01:02:35.110 --> 01:02:48.633
[SPEAKER_00]: This means you were constantly pushed out of your comfort zone, experiencing unexpected shifts in your career, relationships and personal identity, while highly unpredictable, this period broke down limiting attachments and forced massive personal growth.
01:02:49.233 --> 01:02:56.295
[SPEAKER_00]: Now that Uranus has moved into Gemini, the era of unpredictable breakdowns is transitioning into a period of closure.
01:02:56.848 --> 01:03:01.650
[SPEAKER_00]: You are completely transformed, stronger and wiser and the wiser version of yourself.
01:03:02.010 --> 01:03:05.651
[SPEAKER_00]: You can finally integrate these lessons and settle into the new life and now, Jesus, you built.
01:03:07.412 --> 01:03:24.938
[SPEAKER_00]: Just I had to put that in there because I have a colleague who's also a tourist and right after my birth that she's setting all of the information about this and she was like, you're about to walk into the best signal of your life because you have been holding it down and weathering the storm for the past seven years.
01:03:25.724 --> 01:03:27.525
[SPEAKER_00]: and you about to really walk into some blessings.
01:03:27.585 --> 01:03:29.545
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will not, I feel it.
01:03:30.066 --> 01:03:32.407
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel it, and I'm ready for it, and I'm ready.
01:03:32.587 --> 01:03:40.690
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you are a hold on, tourist, Leo, Scorpio, or Aquarius, make room for your blessings, expeditiously, right now, okay?
01:03:41.170 --> 01:03:42.070
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, okay.
01:03:44.371 --> 01:03:46.232
[SPEAKER_00]: Let the closing, I have a closing here.
01:03:47.628 --> 01:03:50.730
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't believe we sat and talked for this probably over an hour, I don't even know.
01:03:51.070 --> 01:04:06.520
[SPEAKER_00]: But lastly, I know I think, John, in the beginning of that episode, but I had to thank you again for your patience and waiting this long for an episode, because nobody has unfollowed my, me on my past days, nobody has blocked me, nobody has been like, all right, pump this bitch.
01:04:07.420 --> 01:04:11.503
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's just been waiting patiently knowing that I'm going to come back soon and I really appreciate that.
01:04:12.103 --> 01:04:12.704
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm back.
01:04:13.364 --> 01:04:25.348
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm here to stay the summer the summer is the time where just I usually thrives anyway and I'm a little late because it is July, but I'm glad that I'm getting this episode out before August because girl, like...
01:04:25.799 --> 01:04:28.521
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, summer where my fucking old work, if I got back in August.
01:04:28.541 --> 01:04:30.842
[SPEAKER_00]: So summer is usually my thriving time.
01:04:31.482 --> 01:04:37.186
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of amazing things in the works, career wise, personal wise, podcast wife.
01:04:37.206 --> 01:04:43.830
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I have so many things that like, I'm just trying to navigate through so that I can tell you all about it when it's ready.
01:04:44.790 --> 01:04:49.413
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking forward to getting back into my labs, bringing more experiences and stories to the show.
01:04:50.093 --> 01:04:52.695
[SPEAKER_00]: Five years of just J will be on August 12th.
01:04:54.145 --> 01:04:56.388
[SPEAKER_00]: I also want to get my man on the couch for sure.
01:04:56.909 --> 01:05:08.347
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was trying to be funny and say like I really don't want to have a look at him even though he is a fine fine like man, but I do think that like the way he showed up and showed out up the like show
01:05:09.360 --> 01:05:19.443
[SPEAKER_00]: was like everything that I ever wanted to see it more because Raquel, who is a licensed marriage girl, she was also one of the women that had panels, had a panel up on the live show.
01:05:19.843 --> 01:05:23.364
[SPEAKER_00]: She had a card game, I wish I had it down here, have it upstairs.
01:05:23.764 --> 01:05:24.964
[SPEAKER_00]: She has a card game for couples.
01:05:25.224 --> 01:05:28.265
[SPEAKER_00]: I think she has two versions of singles one and a couple's one.
01:05:28.325 --> 01:05:34.887
[SPEAKER_00]: But she had us go up to start her panel and pull questions and all the things that he actually got up there on that stage and actually did it with me.
01:05:34.927 --> 01:05:35.627
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really
01:05:36.367 --> 01:05:39.430
[SPEAKER_00]: That was like a different bag that I seen him in because of this whole time.
01:05:39.450 --> 01:05:42.032
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, no, I'm never, I've never seen the couch at you.
01:05:42.052 --> 01:05:45.334
[SPEAKER_00]: I've never recorded, I don't like seeing myself, not all the fucking bullshit.
01:05:46.135 --> 01:05:49.778
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've never really got up there for my life show and did his big one.
01:05:49.818 --> 01:05:52.380
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would love to get him on the couch.
01:05:52.420 --> 01:05:58.165
[SPEAKER_00]: The three anniversary of vein passing was just a couple of weeks ago in June, June 18th actually.
01:05:59.022 --> 01:06:05.069
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I have another, I didn't even tell y'all, y'all know about Stitch stitches, the Frenchy that I had while being was here.
01:06:05.169 --> 01:06:06.510
[SPEAKER_00]: I got him when being was still alive.
01:06:07.031 --> 01:06:12.016
[SPEAKER_00]: What stitch just had some babies a couple weeks ago, I think like seven or eight weeks ago.
01:06:12.657 --> 01:06:14.379
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of his children is living in my house now.
01:06:14.399 --> 01:06:20.145
[SPEAKER_00]: So now I have two dogs named Stitch and smoke, who are Frenchies, father and son, and that's my fucking crazy shit.
01:06:20.738 --> 01:06:26.341
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, Nick's in five, hello, because we also miss that last time we spoke.
01:06:26.901 --> 01:06:28.762
[SPEAKER_00]: Nick's in five, you know what's so crazy about that?
01:06:30.243 --> 01:06:35.886
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad had me strapped to the mother fucking cow to watch them damn games, and my dad is about to be 53, August 2nd.
01:06:36.647 --> 01:06:38.848
[SPEAKER_00]: And he literally set up and weighed him up whole life for this.
01:06:39.962 --> 01:06:45.226
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and like living in New York and being in New York or like that was probably the best time ever.
01:06:45.306 --> 01:06:48.968
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was starting this summer like next in five, because it's all I got to say.
01:06:48.988 --> 01:06:50.089
[SPEAKER_00]: Shout out to Jalen Bronson.
01:06:50.149 --> 01:06:50.669
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you.
01:06:50.689 --> 01:06:52.170
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to interview you one day.
01:06:52.250 --> 01:06:55.452
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, that was probably my dad would probably boo who cried.
01:06:55.853 --> 01:06:58.515
[SPEAKER_00]: The whole time during the interview, sign on the sidelines.
01:06:58.575 --> 01:07:02.657
[SPEAKER_00]: And I wouldn't even be able to get a fucking question out because you'd be so in awe of you.
01:07:03.518 --> 01:07:07.040
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, if Jalen Bronson ever sees this or Josh Hart, I'm willing to interview him all.
01:07:07.721 --> 01:07:09.262
[SPEAKER_00]: So, next coming.
01:07:09.302 --> 01:07:09.542
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
01:07:10.183 --> 01:07:11.785
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I love y'all.
01:07:12.266 --> 01:07:14.708
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so happy to be back sitting on the couch.
01:07:14.788 --> 01:07:17.251
[SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate everybody who listened to this entire episode.
01:07:17.271 --> 01:07:22.998
[SPEAKER_00]: I know it was probably wrong and I was jumping all around because I had so much to say, but I'm so happy to be back.
01:07:23.078 --> 01:07:23.718
[SPEAKER_00]: I love y'all.
01:07:23.859 --> 01:07:28.224
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank y'all so much for listening to another episode of just air the podcast.
01:07:28.244 --> 01:07:29.024
[SPEAKER_00]: We back next week.
00:00.051 --> 00:09.874
[SPEAKER_00]: because I was also talking to my therapist about, like, she always asks me, like, oh, how's podcast and going whenever I see her and I have told her, like, you know, I haven't sat in front of, sat in my chair in over a year.
00:10.654 --> 00:11.474
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, well, why?
00:12.154 --> 00:25.038
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was about to tell her, like, oh, life, this happened in life, this happened, like, and then I caught myself and I was like, well, I actually have to stop using life as an excuse as to why I'm not working on my craft because life was always a
00:57.980 --> 00:58.760
[SPEAKER_00]: What is up everybody?
00:58.780 --> 01:03.881
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of Just State of the Podcast where we have real conversations, based on real perspectives.
01:05.001 --> 01:08.382
[SPEAKER_00]: It has been over a year since I've been sitting in this chair.
01:08.422 --> 01:09.762
[SPEAKER_00]: We have so much to talk about.
01:09.882 --> 01:13.983
[SPEAKER_00]: I have literally a month by month breakdown to catch you guys up on my life.
01:14.023 --> 01:20.325
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm lucky for that when I even really liked was telling you all before, but I'm back, I'm better.
01:20.665 --> 01:25.566
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I always devil and devil and come in and go out and come in and go out, but I'm here to stay.
01:27.878 --> 01:37.206
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to say thank you to everybody that has supported my show, thank you to everybody in my fan base who has always welcomed me back when it came time for me to come back to the mic.
01:37.666 --> 01:47.795
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for always understanding, when I come up here and I still make excuses on why I wasn't here and why I didn't record, there's it's always all love and I think
01:48.884 --> 01:55.186
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually have an episode dropping next week with Rebecca Raya, who is going to get so many shoutouts in this episode.
01:55.706 --> 01:59.387
[SPEAKER_00]: But I was talking to her because she's also coming off of a hiatus too.
01:59.407 --> 02:02.367
[SPEAKER_00]: She's been working a little bit more than me though, I won't mind.
02:02.907 --> 02:05.968
[SPEAKER_00]: But she was also coming off of a hiatus.
02:05.988 --> 02:08.749
[SPEAKER_00]: And we were talking about it on the episode, which she'll see with next week.
02:08.769 --> 02:17.571
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, but I was telling her, I said, one thing that really brings me a lot of solitude, but I also think that I've been falling back on it a little too much.
02:18.236 --> 02:21.838
[SPEAKER_00]: is that I know the fan base that we built is here to stand.
02:22.218 --> 02:28.262
[SPEAKER_00]: So whenever I, you know, to take a step away and come back, I already know that my fan base is gonna welcome me with open arms every time.
02:28.842 --> 02:35.586
[SPEAKER_00]: Does that mean I should continue to just go back and forth on the hiatus tip and just not take this consistently and take this serious?
02:35.886 --> 02:46.793
[SPEAKER_00]: No, because I was also talking to my therapist about like, she always asked me like, oh, house podcast and going whenever I see her and I had told her like, you know, I haven't sat in front of, sat in my chair in over a year.
02:47.569 --> 02:48.410
[SPEAKER_00]: And she was like, well, why?
02:49.070 --> 02:52.814
[SPEAKER_00]: And I was about to tell her, like, oh, life, this happened in life, this happened in life.
02:52.834 --> 03:02.462
[SPEAKER_00]: And then I call myself, and I was like, well, I actually have to stop using life as an excuse as to why I'm not working on my craft, because life is always going to be life.
03:02.982 --> 03:03.143
[SPEAKER_00]: So
03:04.937 --> 03:05.517
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't even know.
03:05.557 --> 03:15.044
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't even tell you why I actually stepped away and she acknowledged she was like, I'm proud of you for even saying or catching yourself in that moment and saying, like, I'm giving the tutors now.
03:15.104 --> 03:16.224
[SPEAKER_00]: I really don't have to.
03:16.785 --> 03:20.907
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think me stepping away has not been
03:21.968 --> 03:24.889
[SPEAKER_00]: because I was going through like the most catastrophic things.
03:25.049 --> 03:25.769
[SPEAKER_00]: It really wasn't.
03:25.849 --> 03:40.791
[SPEAKER_00]: I think it started off that way, but I think over time, I had just really been focused on my career, my relationships, and just being happy that it kind of fell to the wayside, and I feel like it always does, but I do know my gift.
03:41.111 --> 03:48.312
[SPEAKER_00]: And I do know that this is something that I'm really, really, God has called me to do this for a reason, and God has created what he's created
03:51.667 --> 03:52.913
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, I'm back.
03:53.113 --> 03:54.037
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for tuning in.
03:54.138 --> 03:54.861
[SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate you.
03:55.584 --> 03:56.950
[SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, let's get into it.
03:57.933 --> 04:07.598
[SPEAKER_00]: So like I said, I have a month by month breakdown because I wanted to start with a check-in and then we're going to go into all the tea that's happened since you last saw me and know that into some some juicy down.
04:07.678 --> 04:09.439
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I have a really good show for you.
04:09.459 --> 04:10.840
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm letting my life.
04:11.380 --> 04:16.022
[SPEAKER_00]: The last time I sat on this couch was a year ago, I was in a totally different place.
04:16.062 --> 04:21.745
[SPEAKER_00]: It's actually funny because the episode that you guys last saw for me, that night my boyfriend
04:26.132 --> 04:54.586
[SPEAKER_00]: A year of like, not podcasting has got has literally been like a year of me in this new career that I love and this new relationship that I love so many things are different for me and even in the I don't want to spoil too much of the episode that you're going to get next week, but when I was sitting down with Raya Because that's the first guest that I decided to sit down and come back into podcasting with and I'm happy that I did because we just have such a great connection that it was just like it was just me sitting on the couch talking to my cousin for him.
04:55.392 --> 05:07.622
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, and there was so many gems that we've all dropped in that episode, not I'm thinking about it, but I just was telling her, like, I'm also kind of in the middle of another re-brand where it's like the podcast is in changing.
05:07.662 --> 05:10.304
[SPEAKER_00]: We all know nothing about the podcast is really changing.
05:10.364 --> 05:20.612
[SPEAKER_00]: It's more so everything about me has changed to where when I articulate things to y'all, I'm mindful of like what I'm saying, I'm mindful of like the message that I'm sending out now because I'm also,
05:21.583 --> 05:35.954
[SPEAKER_00]: Understanding that the same girl that started this podcast which she was 21 is not the same girl that's sitting in front of you that's 26 now everything about me is different my a lot of things and even when I watch my episodes back it's like Sometimes I cringe because it's like well, I don't feel that way anymore.
05:36.475 --> 05:47.243
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't I don't agree with that that statement that I said and that's amazing and I think that's also why One of the reasons that I really love podcasting is because it allows you to see yourself in all different stages of life
05:47.865 --> 05:48.945
[SPEAKER_00]: the longer that you do it.
05:49.545 --> 05:56.767
[SPEAKER_00]: So like I have a five year vault right now of like 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26 year old me.
05:56.787 --> 06:02.369
[SPEAKER_00]: That's just like wow, it's amazing to look back on like I really have a legacy of all these videos.
06:02.449 --> 06:03.249
[SPEAKER_00]: Episodes, everything.
06:03.829 --> 06:13.152
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's another reason that I kind of took us there back and really tried to come back correct because I'm in a whole different bag.
06:13.192 --> 06:13.972
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm in a whole different
06:14.920 --> 06:15.681
[SPEAKER_00]: mode in my life.
06:15.701 --> 06:18.242
[SPEAKER_00]: So I kind of got to be mindful of what I share.
06:18.302 --> 06:19.043
[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of got to be.
06:19.183 --> 06:24.647
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a lot of things in my life that I just really want to keep private and I really do feel like it's sacred for me.
06:24.727 --> 06:27.829
[SPEAKER_00]: So like Even like came down to like me being gone for you.
06:27.849 --> 06:29.350
[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, damn, how am I going to present?
06:29.690 --> 06:31.231
[SPEAKER_00]: Or how am I going to speak about my relationship?
06:31.291 --> 06:32.492
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that's so sacred for me.
06:32.532 --> 06:33.433
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so like
06:34.273 --> 06:40.415
[SPEAKER_00]: Amazing and it's something that I've really never experienced in this way before to where it's like damn I kind of do want to keep it to myself.
06:40.535 --> 06:52.018
[SPEAKER_00]: I kind of do want to like, you know, not really talk about but I'm also I've always been the girl that sent on the couch to talk to her shit though It's like you kind of got to you know, you kind of got to figure that out and I've always been transparent I've always been honest.
06:52.038 --> 06:54.919
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always been an open book, so it's not about that changing.
06:54.959 --> 06:57.500
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about how I go about that has changed
06:58.100 --> 07:00.081
[SPEAKER_00]: So we'll get on that.
07:00.201 --> 07:05.285
[SPEAKER_00]: We'll get into all of that as the show goes on, but let's start with our month to month break down.
07:05.365 --> 07:11.829
[SPEAKER_00]: I've never been away from podcasting for this long, but I'm excited because I do have a lot of sketch on for y'all on.
07:12.269 --> 07:14.051
[SPEAKER_00]: So January, we'll start with January, obviously.
07:15.331 --> 07:22.356
[SPEAKER_00]: In December, I was asked to be on a live show by Ms. Reckett Reya herself, who is the host of the
07:38.582 --> 07:41.905
[SPEAKER_00]: The reckless talk podcast, what the fuck was that talking about?
07:41.925 --> 07:48.071
[SPEAKER_00]: She's the CEO and host of the reckless talk podcast, and I was honored when she asked me in December.
07:48.251 --> 07:57.560
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was like, before the live show, he had done like a Instagram live where me and the rest of the girls are going to be doing panels.
07:58.585 --> 08:01.106
[SPEAKER_00]: in the live show got to like connect and see each other in me.
08:01.386 --> 08:02.227
[SPEAKER_00]: And that was what I did.
08:02.287 --> 08:07.629
[SPEAKER_00]: That was when I knew, okay, Raya got some of the best pictures she knew in this year.
08:07.989 --> 08:16.053
[SPEAKER_00]: And to everybody that I met on that Instagram live, fit exactly what the mission was for the live show.
08:16.693 --> 08:32.673
[SPEAKER_00]: Ray's whole mission was like I want to showcase these girls because they're number one she saw she sees every she's like a talent agent where like she can see her talent before you need this year talent because I remember I was on her show back in 2022 when I was first starting out like very first
08:33.327 --> 09:00.016
[SPEAKER_00]: like very new to the game just getting my networking in like and that was one of my first like connections for real that was actually like solid because I felt like a lot of people back in the day was making connections with me because I was just new in the game and I was bad as hell so they would just like well I want to be next to her but like I think Ray of really really was like somebody that saw my vision and understood my potential from the beginning so and I it's funny because even when I was on that episode in 2022 she had said that like
09:02.842 --> 09:06.543
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's so funny that like four years later it came into fruition and I was a part of it.
09:06.643 --> 09:07.983
[SPEAKER_00]: It's just a full circle moment.
09:08.003 --> 09:09.023
[SPEAKER_00]: That was amazing.
09:10.003 --> 09:15.985
[SPEAKER_00]: A lot of you probably did see like my my clips and stuff on Instagram about the live show.
09:16.025 --> 09:21.046
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you didn't go tune into that, also I probably will be posting more about the live show.
09:21.566 --> 09:26.967
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's just like all throw that clip once this episode drops just for you guys to see it and if you didn't already.
09:28.943 --> 09:36.590
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, January, I did say after the live show, I said, okay, this is going to be what puts me back in the element to be back into podcasting.
09:37.151 --> 09:37.832
[SPEAKER_00]: Did that happen?
09:38.272 --> 09:38.592
[SPEAKER_00]: No.
09:39.273 --> 09:50.744
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm mad that it didn't because I feel like the momentum that we had after the live show, we were so on a high that if I would have just got back into podcasting, it would have just went, and I would have been all the time of the world.
09:51.244 --> 09:56.825
[SPEAKER_00]: But I did it, and you know, I, I, I'm here now.
09:57.045 --> 09:57.365
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
09:57.465 --> 09:58.386
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm here fucking now.
09:58.546 --> 09:58.886
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello.
09:59.066 --> 10:00.186
[SPEAKER_00]: Hi.
10:00.346 --> 10:02.826
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, January was amazing.
10:02.986 --> 10:07.367
[SPEAKER_00]: I think we had a really good turnout and I was telling Maria again on that.
10:07.427 --> 10:09.708
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's all we'll see next week because I interviewed her.
10:10.768 --> 10:14.149
[SPEAKER_00]: I was telling her that I, I would do that over and over and over and over and over again.
10:14.489 --> 10:17.189
[SPEAKER_00]: With that same group of girls when a different group of girls, it doesn't matter because I
10:21.428 --> 10:22.548
[SPEAKER_00]: was it was just different.
10:22.568 --> 10:24.729
[SPEAKER_00]: It was unlike anything I've ever felt before.
10:25.249 --> 10:29.270
[SPEAKER_00]: And again, the stack that it was all we all seen now.
10:30.150 --> 10:33.831
[SPEAKER_00]: Pocket, there was literally called a reckless female podcast, the reckless female election.
10:34.311 --> 10:38.793
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, the fact that we got to do that and everything look, that she made coasters.
10:39.193 --> 10:40.733
[SPEAKER_00]: I got coasters with my picture on it.
10:40.753 --> 10:42.534
[SPEAKER_00]: These are all the girls that were on it with me.
10:42.554 --> 10:44.554
[SPEAKER_00]: I got a stand over there.
10:44.614 --> 10:46.395
[SPEAKER_00]: It was just, it was everything.
10:46.495 --> 10:46.655
[SPEAKER_00]: It was
10:47.735 --> 11:11.809
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that it was a, the fact that it was all women's panel also really did make me understand like, oh no, like the supporters real the love is real in a male dominated industry like we rock that shit and I would do it over and over and over again February like I was saying before I had just made a year in my career in March, which is insane.
11:12.270 --> 11:35.409
[SPEAKER_00]: So in February, in one of the school dishes that I worked in, I had helped with the Black History Month assembly, and I feel like as a Black woman being a part of that, or a predominantly Black student population was amazing, especially in a school district that was predominantly white, as far as administration and all of that goes, you know what I mean?
11:36.488 --> 11:44.057
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that over the year of my career, and again, I'm touching on a now where I obviously expand on it later in the episode.
11:44.178 --> 11:53.870
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like this has probably been the best year of my life career-wise because it has allowed me to really understand my impact and really understand.
11:56.263 --> 11:59.286
[SPEAKER_00]: how to really, how to really be a boss for real.
11:59.306 --> 12:11.056
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I worked in two school districts where I really didn't have a lot of knowledge in, but I do now, I feel like I'm so in the community now that it's like, it's not even funny.
12:11.156 --> 12:16.661
[SPEAKER_00]: Like one of the schools, one of the other schools that I worked in, they just had their moving up ceremony.
12:17.082 --> 12:22.567
[SPEAKER_00]: And they allowed me that they, I get so emotional to talk about it because it's just like love was unreal.
12:23.384 --> 12:27.327
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and it's so crazy because I worked in a predominantly white school and I worked in a predominantly back school.
12:27.707 --> 12:38.194
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was kind of like a back and forth every week in my mind, like, okay, let me, let me, you know, I got to put my white professional voice on and act like I'm, you know, not act like but really be on my PCQs because you know how like people are.
12:38.534 --> 12:45.339
[SPEAKER_00]: Then I got this black school where it's like, okay, I can kind of let my guard down a little bit because they love me for me and they appreciate the work that I do and all of the help that I give to them.
12:45.819 --> 13:03.077
[SPEAKER_00]: So the predominantly black school that I worked in, they allowed me to come on stage and sit in the sit in the on the stage with the superintendents and the deans and the principles and I'm just like wow, like I'm honored to be here as just like somebody who was just trying to help, and
13:03.853 --> 13:10.318
[SPEAKER_00]: The principal who I love, she gave me a shout out on the, on the mic, obviously, and the whole crowd went crazy.
13:11.018 --> 13:18.564
[SPEAKER_00]: I remember looking into the crowd in one of my students that I worked with a lot was the first person to start clapping and it was just it was so surreal.
13:18.584 --> 13:23.107
[SPEAKER_00]: So my career has really changed my life and changed how I view a lot of things.
13:23.167 --> 13:23.728
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm also.
13:24.617 --> 13:43.334
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not I'm not taking a lot of shit that you know what I mean I feel like every place that I've worked has given me the experience to be a little bit stronger and have a little bit more backbone and really know how to advocate but so now I'm really in my bag and I really do it well so yes March I made a year in my career.
13:43.908 --> 13:48.391
[SPEAKER_00]: which was amazing, I got back into the jam, I got back in Pilates, I am definitely a Pilates girl now.
13:48.811 --> 13:51.053
[SPEAKER_00]: I just have my name, do a couple of Pilates last with me.
13:51.073 --> 13:57.657
[SPEAKER_00]: Babe, these men out here thinking that Pilates is just QT and we got our cute little pink bowels out of it.
13:58.197 --> 14:01.239
[SPEAKER_00]: That man, at first moment, my name was Irony and I was about to play you boo.
14:01.560 --> 14:07.383
[SPEAKER_00]: But my man and every other man in that room was like, holy shit, y'all do this every week.
14:08.104 --> 14:09.685
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, babe, about two, three times.
14:10.025 --> 14:12.307
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm a Pilates girl now, it's just,
14:13.067 --> 14:19.751
[SPEAKER_00]: My boyfriend was also the motivation for me to get back into the gym and get back on Pilates because he's a really chill.
14:19.911 --> 14:24.834
[SPEAKER_00]: I pray I interview him one day, but then again, that man looks so good.
14:25.754 --> 14:27.535
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't even want to put him on y'all camera.
14:27.851 --> 14:32.072
[SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't want to play him all y'all scream, baby, because this is just, oh my god, that made it so cool.
14:32.412 --> 14:34.833
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, oh, you just saw he's so fine.
14:35.393 --> 14:39.134
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, this made it ain't about to be super, super, super, super fine.
14:39.194 --> 14:43.775
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm about to be just, you know, gaining all my weight back from, you know, I'm not doing it.
14:43.875 --> 14:44.516
[SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't doing it.
14:44.556 --> 14:50.077
[SPEAKER_00]: So I got back in the gym and I'm happy that I did because, hello, we ain't much doing it.
14:50.737 --> 14:52.718
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, I'm happy that,
14:54.830 --> 14:58.372
[SPEAKER_00]: One thing that I would do want to say as a reflection moment, and this is another thing.
14:58.653 --> 15:10.700
[SPEAKER_00]: As a 26-year-old woman, who has totally, who feel I feel like my mind has totally changed from what I was 21 to what I started the show at 21 to now, like 26.
15:11.221 --> 15:15.764
[SPEAKER_00]: Like a lot of my opinions have changed, my perspective has changed so like,
15:16.575 --> 15:19.178
[SPEAKER_00]: and I'm also able to reflect a lot easier.
15:19.778 --> 15:27.106
[SPEAKER_00]: So I will go, I will sit in my car or at home or whatever, and I'll think about the day or I'll think about the week, and I'll be like, okay, I could have done this better.
15:27.466 --> 15:28.307
[SPEAKER_00]: I could have said that better.
15:28.487 --> 15:30.449
[SPEAKER_00]: I could have acted a little bit better.
15:30.489 --> 15:31.370
[SPEAKER_00]: I could have been a little nicer.
15:31.726 --> 15:37.192
[SPEAKER_00]: My reflection game and my accountability game are so strong right now and I never thought I'd see the day.
15:37.412 --> 15:41.116
[SPEAKER_00]: The only always like to say, oh, I'm a good communicator, I don't have to take accountability.
15:41.556 --> 15:44.419
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm all these things until it comes down to you actually doing it.
15:44.940 --> 15:51.727
[SPEAKER_00]: So one thing that I can reflect on is that I'm really happy that I never got the life that I thought I wanted before.
15:52.637 --> 15:56.681
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I had no idea that God had all these blessings waiting for me all the long.
15:57.101 --> 16:00.304
[SPEAKER_00]: And it brings me back to when I shot the boss man episode.
16:00.864 --> 16:05.829
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait, like, in 2025, when I originally did my first my regret.
16:06.738 --> 16:19.366
[SPEAKER_00]: That episode, I was in such a place where I was like, so done with dating, I was like, these men and shit, like, hello, like, I just was so over it, then I had just got my new job.
16:19.406 --> 16:21.567
[SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, what is about to happen in my life?
16:21.607 --> 16:22.728
[SPEAKER_00]: Where is it about to take me?
16:23.548 --> 16:27.591
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm so happy that that girl, cause you know, when you're going through something you're like, damn, I,
16:29.051 --> 16:30.832
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that this could say the same.
16:30.852 --> 16:32.392
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that this person could stay in my life.
16:32.432 --> 16:56.977
[SPEAKER_00]: I wish that I could still be doing this But the growth that has come from my life since then I'm so glad I didn't get what I thought I wanted because I didn't know God had all these things God had a huge Teddy Biverhani's back for me and I was sitting here crying over a little Damn little miniature, you know something like I just I didn't know what I was about to be receiving because I was losing all these things and I was so
16:57.497 --> 16:59.139
[SPEAKER_00]: Confused on why things had to go.
16:59.699 --> 17:03.202
[SPEAKER_00]: Now I know why certain things had to go and now understand why certain people had to go for too.
17:03.362 --> 17:03.803
[SPEAKER_00]: Robinson.
17:04.403 --> 17:14.732
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not God, I'm actually, you know, questions, I ain't questioning nothing anymore because I, it, it's, I've literally see all the work that he was doing in my life.
17:14.812 --> 17:19.176
[SPEAKER_00]: And I, I couldn't be more grateful and more understanding in this moment.
17:26.071 --> 17:28.513
[SPEAKER_00]: My 26th birthday, I did like a little Pilates class.
17:28.553 --> 17:30.114
[SPEAKER_00]: That's where this sign is from.
17:30.235 --> 17:31.075
[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to a J.L.S.
17:31.115 --> 17:31.736
[SPEAKER_00]: Polari.
17:31.856 --> 17:33.858
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, I had all my home girls.
17:33.898 --> 17:37.401
[SPEAKER_00]: I have my boyfriend's mom, Pat Bow, my boyfriend's sister, Pat Bow for me.
17:38.562 --> 17:39.342
[SPEAKER_00]: Who else?
17:39.462 --> 17:42.005
[SPEAKER_00]: Miss T-Tog, Tiana, he's Pat Bow for me.
17:42.385 --> 17:44.707
[SPEAKER_00]: Tiana also, Pat Bow, the live show.
17:44.787 --> 17:47.049
[SPEAKER_00]: My gosh, she's been so supportive of me this year.
17:47.089 --> 17:50.372
[SPEAKER_00]: And I over, more than the world, babe.
17:50.532 --> 17:51.453
[SPEAKER_00]: I, over a lot.
17:52.193 --> 17:53.094
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, so shout out to her.
17:53.554 --> 17:55.056
[SPEAKER_00]: My 20's is where they have my boyfriend awful.
17:55.236 --> 17:56.737
[SPEAKER_00]: Also took me to Costa Rica.
17:57.738 --> 18:00.720
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's amazing because we had an amazing time.
18:00.760 --> 18:03.943
[SPEAKER_00]: Costa Rica was probably, no, I don't even want to say probably.
18:04.003 --> 18:06.905
[SPEAKER_00]: Costa Rica was the best trip I've ever been on in my life.
18:08.266 --> 18:21.697
[SPEAKER_00]: when I tell you he planned everything from the moment my feet landed in that damn airport to the moment I had to leave and it was like it was just the most magical peaceful thing that I had ever
18:23.165 --> 18:23.965
[SPEAKER_00]: enjoyed in my life.
18:24.085 --> 18:30.147
[SPEAKER_00]: And I had never seen anybody really take my birthday so seriously because I'm usually the one that takes it that seriously.
18:30.747 --> 18:34.008
[SPEAKER_00]: So for him to do all of that for me, it was amazing.
18:34.128 --> 18:35.849
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I had the time of my life.
18:35.909 --> 18:43.491
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to try to insert some pictures and some clips for y'all as this episode, you know, goes on to y'all could see all the things that I happened in my life.
18:43.551 --> 18:45.692
[SPEAKER_00]: But Costa Rica was phenomenal.
18:46.472 --> 18:48.214
[SPEAKER_00]: I would go back again and again.
18:48.414 --> 18:51.537
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to buy a farm and a house out there so fucking bad.
18:51.557 --> 18:57.623
[SPEAKER_00]: So I can just go out there and dip on y'all in, you know, I would love to record an episode in a Costa Rican rainforest like hello.
18:58.063 --> 18:59.304
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was amazing.
19:00.085 --> 19:03.048
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, trial ended for my cousin.
19:03.568 --> 19:04.529
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure.
19:04.870 --> 19:06.451
[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I don't remember what the hell that's all John.
19:06.471 --> 19:09.194
[SPEAKER_00]: Remember where we are last conversation with left off babe.
19:09.294 --> 19:09.534
[SPEAKER_00]: But
19:10.466 --> 19:16.791
[SPEAKER_00]: I was my family and I were going to wear in the middle of trial for my cousin that was murdered in 2016.
19:16.911 --> 19:24.797
[SPEAKER_00]: It's so crazy because literally the trial ended in 2026 and he died 10 years ago.
19:24.957 --> 19:27.199
[SPEAKER_00]: So like it's just, it was insane.
19:27.759 --> 19:39.288
[SPEAKER_00]: Sitting in no court rooms, listening to all the things like it was just a lot, but about a grace of God and everybody, every angel of their work and with me including him,
19:40.187 --> 19:44.508
[SPEAKER_00]: We got a guilty verdict and maybe they're going to jail.
19:44.548 --> 19:46.209
[SPEAKER_00]: They're going to prison, excuse me.
19:46.269 --> 19:49.450
[SPEAKER_00]: They're going to prison, see you later.
19:49.690 --> 19:52.291
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, we got a guilty verdict.
19:52.731 --> 19:57.212
[SPEAKER_00]: So we are just waiting for sentencing, sentencing should be, we got a guilty verdict.
19:57.352 --> 20:07.295
[SPEAKER_00]: A full sentencing should be around a corner, hopefully, fingers crossed, because I really want to put that whole part of my life
20:10.143 --> 20:23.787
[SPEAKER_00]: When you lose somebody 10 years ago and you see evidence and footage and pictures of them and mug shots of them on the screen, it's almost like somebody's just ripping a bandit off all over again.
20:24.107 --> 20:36.330
[SPEAKER_00]: Or it's just like, I don't want to say that that wound was healed for me and my family because it I don't think it ever would be but we had just gotten to a place where we were kind of moving forward.
20:37.285 --> 20:47.516
[SPEAKER_00]: and trying to just like, you know, keep his name alive and just keep pushing and I think us going through that trial, I don't want to say it says back a little bit, but emotionally hell yeah, that's what we did.
20:48.817 --> 20:51.059
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really glad that that has been
20:52.293 --> 21:19.760
[SPEAKER_00]: over with I should say changes in my career started happening in April also because that was when I really started to see that people will love you when you come in and you could help them and you could make their job easier and you can do things slightly better than they can until you are in a school district that is predominantly white administration teachers and all of the things
21:20.420 --> 21:24.721
[SPEAKER_00]: and you're servicing black kids that they can connect to.
21:24.961 --> 21:36.423
[SPEAKER_00]: Once you start connecting to them and they start to love you and you start to really thrive in your in your in your position and in your your space, that's when they start to come.
21:37.143 --> 21:45.025
[SPEAKER_00]: So in April, April was tough for me because it was kind of like the places that I loved going because I love the kids and I love the people.
21:46.081 --> 21:53.333
[SPEAKER_00]: became places that I somewhat hated going, but I knew that I had to go and I stuck it out because I ended up, I loved the kids.
21:53.774 --> 21:56.999
[SPEAKER_00]: So I did a lot of it was for the kids, and I feel like,
21:57.904 --> 22:22.593
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, I don't regret anything that happened on a regret how anybody treated me, how anybody, because I, girl, and it was like walking in the hallways and you hear the side eyes, you see the whispers from all the white people and they're just looking at you as this black girl who just came made it, thought she was gonna save the day, but when I first came in, it was like, oh, we got this black girl, she's super cool, she's so educated, she's a genius, she's gonna help us, she's gonna take all of my problems away.
22:23.333 --> 22:44.104
[SPEAKER_00]: and I did until I started turning it around and being like, okay, I'm taking y'all problems away but you're not helping me, you're not, I'm giving y'all all the resources, all the information, all the things, everything, and y'all are not helping me, so that's what it kind of backfire because I was like, oh, no, you're not going to keep working me to the moment and reap it all my benefits when I'm doing all the work and it's not how it works here.
22:44.644 --> 22:48.646
[SPEAKER_00]: And I started also playing the same game as I, and then it was like, oh, we hate her getting her out of here.
22:48.926 --> 22:50.267
[SPEAKER_00]: So, but that's okay,
22:53.621 --> 22:58.704
[SPEAKER_00]: and also the organization I work for supported me throughout the whole way.
22:58.824 --> 23:05.109
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was never like I actually deserve to be removed or I just said, you know what I mean?
23:05.129 --> 23:08.931
[SPEAKER_00]: It was never like I didn't think wrong that justified them treating me the way that they did.
23:09.391 --> 23:16.376
[SPEAKER_00]: So them treating me the way that they did and seeing that it wasn't affecting me and I was going to love all my kids even more made it even worse.
23:23.540 --> 23:25.481
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I learned how to love almost kids.
23:25.541 --> 23:26.521
[SPEAKER_00]: I learned what they need.
23:26.561 --> 23:32.643
[SPEAKER_00]: I learned that it only takes one adult to actually sit a child down and listen to them for them to change how they behave.
23:33.183 --> 23:38.264
[SPEAKER_00]: It only take, I will never take for granted how many kids chose me to be their safer adult.
23:38.885 --> 23:43.106
[SPEAKER_00]: And when the school tried to pull, what they tried to pull and remove me from the building,
23:44.102 --> 24:05.932
[SPEAKER_00]: That wasn't up or I had students protesting, I had parents protesting, I had parents up with that school, I had kids not trying to do, I had kids and family's time and shit up for me and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen because that's exactly what I had been teaching them to do to advocate for yourself and advocate for what you want and what you love.
24:07.470 --> 24:12.171
[SPEAKER_00]: and do it respectfully, they literally did everything I had ever taught them to do.
24:12.711 --> 24:14.732
[SPEAKER_00]: It was sad because they had to do it for me.
24:15.392 --> 24:20.593
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I say all that to say, like, I've learned a lot in this career.
24:20.693 --> 24:24.474
[SPEAKER_00]: I love what I do, shortly after that I got a new promotion.
24:24.494 --> 24:25.814
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, you know what I mean?
24:25.834 --> 24:30.215
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, people keep trying to test me, keep trying to shit on me, and keep trying to act like I'm not that girl.
24:30.235 --> 24:33.156
[SPEAKER_00]: And act like I don't have this talent and all these things in this game.
24:33.596 --> 24:35.056
[SPEAKER_00]: And God is still blessing me.
24:35.296 --> 24:47.007
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's like, you know, I'm so, I don't want to say I'm so full of myself right now, but I'm so connected with God and I'm so connected to what he really has at the store for me because I see it and I feel it and I know it.
24:47.568 --> 24:54.895
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, that's the biggest lap in the face for somebody to like think that they beat me down and they broke me down and they took me out of a place and then I got a new blessing.
24:55.255 --> 24:56.436
[SPEAKER_00]: That comes with even bigger bang.
24:56.456 --> 24:57.057
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
24:57.077 --> 24:57.397
[SPEAKER_00]: So like,
24:58.158 --> 25:00.179
[SPEAKER_00]: You did all that for nothing, because I'm still that girl.
25:00.199 --> 25:01.139
[SPEAKER_00]: Them kids still love me.
25:01.179 --> 25:02.280
[SPEAKER_00]: I was just with them today.
25:02.300 --> 25:06.221
[SPEAKER_00]: I just took them skating like we, and also that's another thing.
25:06.241 --> 25:11.163
[SPEAKER_00]: The connections that I have with both of these, first of all, I worked in two different school districts.
25:11.503 --> 25:14.264
[SPEAKER_00]: Obviously, what they're down really white, what I'm put down really black.
25:14.604 --> 25:16.645
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was also like a back and forth thing where it's like,
25:17.838 --> 25:18.779
[SPEAKER_00]: mentally in my damn.
25:19.359 --> 25:21.821
[SPEAKER_00]: In the problem, like, when I'm like, okay, I've got to be on my music use.
25:21.841 --> 25:22.541
[SPEAKER_00]: I got to be down here.
25:22.561 --> 25:24.762
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I got to understand what I mean to me what I said.
25:25.403 --> 25:27.364
[SPEAKER_00]: In the black predominantly black school in my go.
25:27.384 --> 25:29.665
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I can put my guard down a little bit because they respect me.
25:29.685 --> 25:30.846
[SPEAKER_00]: They understand what I'm doing.
25:31.086 --> 25:33.548
[SPEAKER_00]: They appreciate the work that I'm doing because essentially it's helping them.
25:34.797 --> 25:49.238
[SPEAKER_00]: So, in the mix of getting both experiences, it was kind of like damn, this is such a mine fuck where it's like back and forth, back and forth all week, but I'm appreciative of both of the experiences at the same time because it really let me understand.
25:49.819 --> 25:52.542
[SPEAKER_00]: Well this school politics stuff is not a game.
25:52.762 --> 26:01.089
[SPEAKER_00]: These kids need people that are willing to step into the fire and step into the crossfire and actually advocate and support for them and do everything that I did.
26:01.109 --> 26:11.639
[SPEAKER_00]: So I don't have any regrets as far as that because you know and now my promotion allows me to work with older kids because I was working with ages are you know grades 6 to 8 in the middle school.
26:12.488 --> 26:19.131
[SPEAKER_00]: And this new promotion allows me to work with the older kids who are in high school or involved in the criminal justice system.
26:19.171 --> 26:21.492
[SPEAKER_00]: So if they're on probation, they've been arrested.
26:21.592 --> 26:22.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm working with them.
26:22.573 --> 26:27.675
[SPEAKER_00]: Which is amazing because that's what I went to school for, which is why they essentially gave me the promotion.
26:28.516 --> 26:32.278
[SPEAKER_00]: So right now, I'm kind of in a limbo where I'm doing both in a sense.
26:32.378 --> 26:32.778
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm
26:33.478 --> 26:34.659
[SPEAKER_00]: I started this new position.
26:34.679 --> 26:40.083
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been doing great with that and then I'm also still holding my old position because I'm never going to let those kids go.
26:40.163 --> 26:40.743
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's be honest.
26:40.783 --> 26:41.884
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care who you hire.
26:42.184 --> 26:47.808
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care if you find somebody tomorrow to go in my position and there's never going to be another.
27:03.239 --> 27:04.220
[SPEAKER_00]: it for every kid.
27:04.440 --> 27:15.807
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to play at least one seed, tried to learn two to the least one lesson, and I know when they're 18, 19, 20 or even 26 and my age, they're going to look back and be like, oh, Miss Hill helped me down.
27:16.227 --> 27:21.731
[SPEAKER_00]: Miss Hill knew I was a good kid and she never let them convince her that I wasn't because of their perspective of me.
27:22.271 --> 27:26.494
[SPEAKER_00]: She listened to me, she did everything that she could to understand why I acted the way I acted.
27:27.174 --> 27:35.957
[SPEAKER_00]: And essentially, her understanding why I have the way I make me not want to act like that, made me want to show a positive representation of narrative of myself.
27:36.017 --> 27:38.958
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I know, because we never forget medical school.
27:38.978 --> 27:40.578
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget the team to the hat or that.
27:40.598 --> 27:43.539
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget the security guard that made us laugh every single day.
27:44.239 --> 27:45.039
[SPEAKER_00]: We never forget that.
27:45.119 --> 27:55.843
[SPEAKER_00]: So, I'm in a good space, and I'm appreciative that God put me in this position to service those kids and those families because we're connected for life.
27:57.474 --> 28:14.610
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah, I like this and there was some good and some bad, but hey, they hate you they're gonna hate your regardless That's another thing that I like they go hate your regardless So why not do your job really really fucking well and put on your cutest little office outfit because that's another thing too Like I was always in that bitch
28:16.167 --> 28:28.612
[SPEAKER_00]: I was either super cute and classy or I was super cute and someone comfy with my sneakers on because I liked to be, I enjoyed showing up to school wearing the same sneakers as a lot of the kids that are walking around.
28:28.772 --> 28:34.114
[SPEAKER_00]: I enjoyed showing up to school in my jeans, in my cute shirt, like a lot of the kids that are walking around this school.
28:34.134 --> 28:35.154
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
28:35.515 --> 28:38.796
[SPEAKER_00]: The more they feel like you could relate to them, the more they'll fuck with you.
28:39.096 --> 28:40.637
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like when, uh,
28:42.218 --> 28:43.659
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I got it in my nose real quick.
28:44.139 --> 28:45.901
[SPEAKER_00]: The man from everybody hates Chris.
28:47.042 --> 28:51.546
[SPEAKER_00]: I had watched a interview of him and he had basically said, Tyler James Williams.
28:52.006 --> 29:01.354
[SPEAKER_00]: He had basically said, um, when kids see that when you walk into a school with sneakers on, it automatically grabs the kids attention.
29:01.374 --> 29:04.157
[SPEAKER_00]: So, especially if they have that pair of sneakers, sneakers is relatable.
29:04.197 --> 29:07.600
[SPEAKER_00]: So, when they see sneakers and fun habits that you're wearing to work,
29:08.617 --> 29:10.860
[SPEAKER_00]: the kids, it gives a feeling to relate to.
29:11.261 --> 29:16.447
[SPEAKER_00]: So sneakers are also, they also kind of, it kind of shortens the age that between you and the student.
29:16.748 --> 29:25.019
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's another thing that a lot of teachers or administration struggle with because it's like you're trying to be an authoritative like role in their life and you're trying to, you know,
29:26.190 --> 29:47.817
[SPEAKER_00]: reprimand them and do all the things but like you have to be relatable and obviously you're older than this child so there's automatically that there's automatically that age gap which kind of shortens your relatability span if you wish if you will so like doing things and acting how they act shows them that you are really a human like that and you really go to things like them so I just think that
29:49.792 --> 29:57.339
[SPEAKER_00]: new generations of teachers and counselors should strive to be more relatable because relatability is how you get kids to trust you with their feelings and their thoughts.
29:57.399 --> 29:58.120
[SPEAKER_00]: That's the only way.
29:58.480 --> 30:02.023
[SPEAKER_00]: If you're relatable, that's the only way they're gonna tell you the deepest arc of secrets.
30:02.043 --> 30:02.584
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
30:03.145 --> 30:06.988
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was my take on how I was going about it.
30:07.308 --> 30:13.274
[SPEAKER_00]: I tried to be as relatable as possible and I know that my outfits was one thing that really started the relatability.
30:14.321 --> 30:15.984
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I enjoy my career.
30:16.004 --> 30:20.993
[SPEAKER_00]: I love everything that has taught me and the way it is maybe more aware of school systems and politics too.
30:21.433 --> 30:22.956
[SPEAKER_00]: So that one is time for me to have kids.
30:23.437 --> 30:24.098
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm I'm ready.
30:24.472 --> 30:27.134
[SPEAKER_00]: Could I think that I've gotten a lot of experience with them?
30:27.194 --> 30:29.435
[SPEAKER_00]: I've gotten a lot of experience with their parents, also.
30:29.496 --> 30:31.777
[SPEAKER_00]: So I know how things work.
30:31.857 --> 30:36.801
[SPEAKER_00]: I think that my old executive director, Res Mia, I love her.
30:37.141 --> 30:37.861
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm shout out to her.
30:37.962 --> 30:38.922
[SPEAKER_00]: She ever sees this.
30:39.423 --> 30:41.804
[SPEAKER_00]: But she has sent me a text message for a mother's day.
30:41.964 --> 30:49.690
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was basically like, I know you're not a mother yet, but the love that you pour into those kids, you are just as a mother as I am.
30:50.270 --> 30:51.211
[SPEAKER_00]: And that really stuck with me
30:55.298 --> 31:05.872
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of my kids have me saving their phone as either big sister, auntie, mom and law, step mom, all these things, not mom and law, but you know what I mean, I missed that mom.
31:05.892 --> 31:09.617
[SPEAKER_00]: But, and that speaks volumes because I feel like,
31:10.702 --> 31:13.284
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always tried to show up as the big sister role.
31:13.365 --> 31:22.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I've always tried to show up as just someone who was a part of your family who never really wanted to judge you and just recommend you all day because that was never my thing.
31:22.653 --> 31:26.777
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm holding you accountable and I'm telling you, if you're behind we're disappointed and I'm going to let you know that.
31:27.217 --> 31:32.440
[SPEAKER_00]: But I never wanted to lead with the authoritative figure because I just know that's not who I am.
31:32.480 --> 31:42.245
[SPEAKER_00]: That's really not So and especially when everybody else in the school building is operating in that mode and and leading with that I don't want that because I want you to look at me like, okay, this is coming.
31:42.365 --> 31:44.726
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I can be cool A sheet of cool week.
31:44.806 --> 31:45.627
[SPEAKER_00]: I can tell you about my day.
31:45.647 --> 31:48.808
[SPEAKER_00]: I can tell her how I'm feeling if I'm upset about something She's been listening to me.
31:48.909 --> 31:51.110
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't have to act like everything is okay.
31:51.130 --> 31:55.252
[SPEAKER_00]: And I don't have to put on a show because I know she actually cares So I think that
31:57.297 --> 32:00.700
[SPEAKER_00]: That text really showed me, okay, I am doing a lot of work.
32:01.180 --> 32:02.821
[SPEAKER_00]: I am doing really, really good work.
32:03.402 --> 32:20.575
[SPEAKER_00]: Even from my birthday, one, the whole situation happened where the school tried to kind of remove me from the building, I should say, not only did my kids in my parents' protest, literally, when I told you literally, literally, on the day of my birthday, my birthday was a Monday.
32:21.497 --> 32:28.686
[SPEAKER_00]: Literally, all of my birthday then kids was protesting with science and vanners and everything that said, um, we need Miss Hill back.
32:28.726 --> 32:29.347
[SPEAKER_00]: Free Miss Hill.
32:29.367 --> 32:29.928
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya.
32:30.068 --> 32:30.548
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya.
32:30.628 --> 32:31.610
[SPEAKER_00]: I literally have them right here.
32:31.630 --> 32:31.910
[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on.
32:32.471 --> 32:32.691
[SPEAKER_00]: Hold on.
32:32.711 --> 32:33.372
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a shawya right now.
32:33.592 --> 32:33.992
[SPEAKER_00]: Wait a second.
32:35.594 --> 32:36.816
[SPEAKER_00]: Me, let me give you one example.
32:37.437 --> 32:37.677
[SPEAKER_00]: Boom.
32:39.093 --> 32:44.176
[SPEAKER_00]: This was when I went to, when I went back to the school to go collect my things, this is what was on my door.
32:44.697 --> 32:49.980
[SPEAKER_00]: We need Miss Hillback, we love Miss Hill, get Miss Hillback, we love Miss Hill Justice from Miss Hill.
32:50.300 --> 32:53.382
[SPEAKER_00]: They knew that white people treated me wrong, and they still had my back.
32:53.402 --> 32:56.545
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, this is everything that I taught them to do.
32:56.945 --> 33:00.167
[SPEAKER_00]: I teach them to advocate for themselves, teach them to advocate for the things that they love.
33:00.427 --> 33:03.889
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's peaceful, and that's respectful, and they ain't nothing wrong with that.
33:04.190 --> 33:04.410
[SPEAKER_00]: So,
33:05.050 --> 33:06.051
[SPEAKER_00]: Act, child.
33:06.991 --> 33:08.752
[SPEAKER_00]: My job has never been easy.
33:08.972 --> 33:14.816
[SPEAKER_00]: It has been probably one of the hardest things that I've ever done day to day.
33:15.576 --> 33:18.958
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's been so, so gratifying because I know that them kids love me.
33:19.018 --> 33:20.359
[SPEAKER_00]: I know that them parents love me.
33:21.019 --> 33:26.402
[SPEAKER_00]: And my job literally consists of me advocating and supporting students and families in an out of school.
33:27.743 --> 33:28.744
[SPEAKER_00]: And I did exactly that.
33:28.844 --> 33:29.985
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm still doing that.
33:30.126 --> 33:34.871
[SPEAKER_00]: So in the love and acceptance, I have received from doing that has been amazing.
33:34.971 --> 33:41.238
[SPEAKER_00]: So I And even talking about it, I'm getting so emotional because I'm just like,
33:42.779 --> 33:51.624
[SPEAKER_00]: Even today like the love that I got from them today and just just hanging out with me like they really enjoy just being around and like my presence is enough for them.
33:51.744 --> 33:58.849
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and I never thought I would have I never have felt that before from a group of literally 12 13 year olds ever.
33:59.429 --> 34:04.372
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's just I'm really the school politics is hard and the school politics.
34:04.732 --> 34:09.015
[SPEAKER_00]: If I wasn't the person that I am today and if I didn't have the experience that I had.
34:10.730 --> 34:26.578
[SPEAKER_00]: in previous school districts that wasn't the best, I probably would have been discouraged going into this position, but because of the experience that I had and because of the knowledge that I already knew about my own personal experiences, I feel like it made me even more equipped to do this.
34:26.638 --> 34:31.860
[SPEAKER_00]: I have no problem being Miss Hill who was extra, who was passionate and really liked that about her kids.
34:31.920 --> 34:32.761
[SPEAKER_00]: Behind them kids,
34:33.541 --> 34:37.943
[SPEAKER_00]: If man should pop off, behind them kids, I'm probably seeing them right next to their mama's.
34:38.303 --> 34:58.973
[SPEAKER_00]: I even won't hold you, because a new mama's probably would be looking for me to like, wear this hell out, because they know I have literally helped those moms do a lot of things, I help those kids do a lot of things, and I will never start bringing about it, because my kids literally even for a Valentine's Day, I had one of my kids come get me from, I forget, I think I was in my office, something and she was like, I'll come, come down here.
35:00.102 --> 35:04.384
[SPEAKER_00]: We went to go to the, I, one of my students was in trouble, which, whatever, that's nothing new.
35:05.064 --> 35:07.565
[SPEAKER_00]: So she goes on and she's all ready for her.
35:07.805 --> 35:14.928
[SPEAKER_00]: These kids had wrote me speeches about how much they love me and presented them to me on Valentine's Day.
35:15.668 --> 35:20.592
[SPEAKER_00]: then one of the girl that had come to my office to come get me tough cookie really tough.
35:20.612 --> 35:30.460
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the same girl that had her own guide as counselor who has been there for years coming to me asking me for advice on how I can help her build her relationship with her.
35:30.961 --> 35:32.382
[SPEAKER_00]: And my job, I don't even have a couple months.
35:32.642 --> 35:33.243
[SPEAKER_00]: So again,
35:34.698 --> 35:35.099
[SPEAKER_00]: Impact.
35:35.459 --> 36:02.459
[SPEAKER_00]: Impact speaks volumes when you have people who have been in your been in a position similar to yours forever coming to you for your tips and tricks You do as I'm there right so again tough cookie She literally wrote on a whole on a huge post-aport 50 reasons why I love you on Valentine's Day Like and this one I'm saying like who what do you know that has 7th grade or taken time out of their day to do something like that like again The love and support that I've given to them
36:02.963 --> 36:04.344
[SPEAKER_00]: is why they cheat me the way that they do.
36:04.424 --> 36:12.508
[SPEAKER_00]: So again, no matter where I go, no matter who they try to put in my new position or put in my old position, missiles always make me that grown.
36:12.548 --> 36:13.908
[SPEAKER_00]: missiles always gonna be in their corner.
36:14.068 --> 36:20.231
[SPEAKER_00]: And shout out to Jackson because Jackson was literally the reason for Miss Hill.
36:20.331 --> 36:21.992
[SPEAKER_00]: He literally was my first student ever.
36:22.092 --> 36:27.055
[SPEAKER_00]: And he literally is the blueprint to how this all came about.
36:27.195 --> 36:30.977
[SPEAKER_00]: Like if it wasn't for me, meeting him, I probably wouldn't even be in this career path.
36:32.713 --> 36:39.925
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm here, I'm happy and I, I always want, I always said, I wanted to be, I always wanted to be the counselor, I wanted, I would have wanted.
36:40.453 --> 36:41.153
[SPEAKER_00]: when I was younger.
36:41.773 --> 36:43.654
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think I did just that.
36:43.774 --> 36:49.075
[SPEAKER_00]: Like the, some of the events that I've played for them were like in December, we had a overnight retreat.
36:49.835 --> 36:53.236
[SPEAKER_00]: I called it a overnight retreat to give it like a fancy name but it was just like a sleepover.
36:54.136 --> 36:56.496
[SPEAKER_00]: We went to, you know, my organization's headquarters.
36:56.536 --> 37:00.717
[SPEAKER_00]: We had a sleepover, we had dinner together, we were our smoothies, it was amazing.
37:00.797 --> 37:06.179
[SPEAKER_00]: I always, like, even in that experience, I was like damn, I wish somebody would have did this for me when I was younger.
37:06.539 --> 37:07.799
[SPEAKER_00]: So really my whole,
37:08.837 --> 37:15.659
[SPEAKER_00]: purpose and mission in this role is just to do and give them every opportunity and every thing that I'd never had it when I was in middle school.
37:16.039 --> 37:17.359
[SPEAKER_00]: Because the middle school was a vital time.
37:17.399 --> 37:21.500
[SPEAKER_00]: I think a lot of people, especially the administration and teachers now, they forget that.
37:21.540 --> 37:23.761
[SPEAKER_00]: I've been looking at them like, girl, you was in seven grade too.
37:24.081 --> 37:27.162
[SPEAKER_00]: When you was in seven grade, you wasn't walling out with your homies in a hallway?
37:27.862 --> 37:29.062
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, it was exactly.
37:29.383 --> 37:30.803
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's why I'm not tripping over.
37:31.103 --> 37:33.084
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't trip over nothing when it comes to those kids.
37:33.124 --> 37:34.084
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, they might get a little
37:39.280 --> 37:43.163
[SPEAKER_00]: So did I have 7th and 8th grade and 6th grade especially 6th grade get the fuck out of here.
37:43.203 --> 37:43.964
[SPEAKER_00]: I started with them.
37:44.484 --> 38:07.643
[SPEAKER_00]: I once I got once I started my position My kids had just got to 6th grade so I really have and they're about to be in eighth grade now I have some kids who went off to high school, but they're about to be 8th grade now So I've gotten them through pretty much their whole middle school career and I've done an amazing job And I'm happy that I was here for them because again It only takes one adult to believe in you and only takes one adult for you to be like okay
38:08.769 --> 38:11.890
[SPEAKER_00]: They understand me, so school is not so bad of a place now, you know?
38:12.390 --> 38:13.871
[SPEAKER_00]: So, she, I've done a lot.
38:13.931 --> 38:16.052
[SPEAKER_00]: I did the December sleep over.
38:16.072 --> 38:22.795
[SPEAKER_00]: I did a coat drive for them, where I collected coats and gave them old brand new coats, then I donated them to the local shelter.
38:23.555 --> 38:29.958
[SPEAKER_00]: They blackers three months, the blackers three months of assembly and in February that I did a lot of things.
38:30.018 --> 38:31.538
[SPEAKER_00]: I've done so many things with them.
38:40.093 --> 38:41.033
[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I got that already.
38:41.073 --> 38:42.014
[SPEAKER_00]: I only want to talk about that.
38:42.394 --> 38:43.014
[SPEAKER_00]: Ghost 3 Go.
38:43.614 --> 38:44.814
[SPEAKER_00]: Let's go back to Ghost 3 Go.
38:45.114 --> 38:45.895
[SPEAKER_00]: I want to Ghost 3 Go.
38:46.295 --> 38:51.056
[SPEAKER_00]: I actually know I went in May because I went the week after on birthday.
38:51.076 --> 38:52.657
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, it was the beginning of May the first week of May.
38:53.317 --> 38:54.077
[SPEAKER_00]: That's to remember my life.
38:54.397 --> 38:56.878
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, my question plans literally.
38:57.845 --> 38:59.647
[SPEAKER_00]: everything from beginning to ends.
38:59.967 --> 39:02.429
[SPEAKER_00]: He had us in two different Airbnb's.
39:02.930 --> 39:04.031
[SPEAKER_00]: We went for a whole week.
39:04.111 --> 39:09.276
[SPEAKER_00]: So it was like the first week was in a different Airbnb in like the jungle side of Costa Rica.
39:09.656 --> 39:16.662
[SPEAKER_00]: Then the second week, the second half of the week, we went to a different Airbnb that was like every day with those in like the city side of Costa Rica.
39:17.023 --> 39:17.723
[SPEAKER_00]: Which again, like
39:18.644 --> 39:26.287
[SPEAKER_00]: He had paid so much attention to all of the things that I loved in the amount of time that I knew him and was with him to where all of it came out in this trip.
39:26.327 --> 39:29.008
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I loved, I'm going to earth sign up with tourists.
39:29.028 --> 39:32.470
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, we love to be outside, we love to be in the jungle, we love to be all doing all these things.
39:32.730 --> 39:36.572
[SPEAKER_00]: But I also have Miss City Girl too, so I love to be in the city and I love to see different things out.
39:36.992 --> 39:42.194
[SPEAKER_00]: So like the two different air and bean bees and the two different spaces in Costa Rica was like everything for me.
39:42.694 --> 39:47.136
[SPEAKER_00]: I just think that like it was so romantic and very personal to us, a personal to me.
39:48.163 --> 39:53.426
[SPEAKER_00]: I, in the beginning of our relationship, he had asked me, like, where would you like to go?
39:54.087 --> 39:54.987
[SPEAKER_00]: And I said, goes to Rika.
39:55.708 --> 40:00.811
[SPEAKER_00]: So, like, for him to take me there and be so adamant about it, and I didn't go live.
40:01.271 --> 40:04.093
[SPEAKER_00]: Up until my birthday when he was like, oh, we're going to close Rika, I did not believe him.
40:04.693 --> 40:11.057
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not believe him, because you know, you know how I mean, you know, sometimes a lot of men out there,
40:11.883 --> 40:13.784
[SPEAKER_00]: be talking and they're like, oh, I'm gonna do this.
40:13.824 --> 40:15.385
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this and they never do it.
40:16.046 --> 40:19.568
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just at a point where like, you gonna have to show me, you know what I mean?
40:20.068 --> 40:22.210
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and he definitely showed me, I ain't gonna lie.
40:22.250 --> 40:23.130
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm gonna shut up after this.
40:23.411 --> 40:24.772
[SPEAKER_00]: But, I did not believe him.
40:25.292 --> 40:26.213
[SPEAKER_00]: I did not believe him at all.
40:26.253 --> 40:29.755
[SPEAKER_00]: So when he pulled it off the way that he pulled it off, I was lonely.
40:29.915 --> 40:33.377
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, I really, really, really was fucking lonely.
40:33.397 --> 40:35.719
[SPEAKER_00]: He did his fucking bed fuck.
40:35.999 --> 40:36.940
[SPEAKER_00]: There's a quote from,
40:38.268 --> 40:40.749
[SPEAKER_00]: the movie, Bruce and Bolas.
40:41.469 --> 40:44.190
[SPEAKER_00]: If you didn't see that movie, go watch that movie is amazing.
40:44.790 --> 40:49.892
[SPEAKER_00]: But they did an interview, title up hell, that an interview with Kee E Palmer.
40:49.912 --> 40:53.733
[SPEAKER_00]: And he said, we always feel like we have to have everything figured out to receive love.
40:54.294 --> 40:55.594
[SPEAKER_00]: But love meets you where you're at.
40:56.474 --> 41:03.877
[SPEAKER_00]: And when I heard that, it immediately made me thankful that I gave the relationship that I'm currently in, a chance, because
41:05.450 --> 41:15.259
[SPEAKER_00]: It's like he came in at a time where I had done so much work on me on myself and I was also doing so much healing and reflecting that I think he caught me at the perfect time.
41:15.760 --> 41:24.207
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like if he would have caught me two years before it wouldn't have worked because I don't know if I was necessarily in the mindset to even receive a love like this for real.
41:25.368 --> 41:30.593
[SPEAKER_00]: And also like after the boss, I'm not to keep going back to the boss man episode because I feel like I refer to that a lot.
41:31.234 --> 41:31.454
[SPEAKER_00]: But.
41:33.035 --> 41:40.337
[SPEAKER_00]: In that episode, I had also just left a super, like, tumultuous situation.
41:41.097 --> 41:51.199
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, when I met my boyfriend, what, two, three months later, it was like, and I go, I knew that man was fine.
41:51.239 --> 41:52.460
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, are you kidding me?
41:52.500 --> 41:57.521
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, I don't even want to put him on his couch, because I don't even want to stare at him, drool it through the camera.
41:59.585 --> 42:00.426
[SPEAKER_00]: I knew he was fine.
42:00.626 --> 42:02.067
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I knew he was fine.
42:02.087 --> 42:02.908
[SPEAKER_00]: Are you crazy?
42:03.548 --> 42:05.490
[SPEAKER_00]: But at the same time, it was almost like, he's fine.
42:05.510 --> 42:06.310
[SPEAKER_00]: But I gotta say the way.
42:06.450 --> 42:07.011
[SPEAKER_00]: I gotta say the way.
42:07.031 --> 42:08.432
[SPEAKER_00]: Because that is the first one.
42:08.452 --> 42:10.593
[SPEAKER_00]: I just came off of some fucking fucked up shit.
42:11.034 --> 42:11.954
[SPEAKER_00]: Just went through some shit.
42:12.195 --> 42:13.456
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to get my shit together.
42:13.516 --> 42:14.697
[SPEAKER_00]: I just got this new job.
42:14.877 --> 42:17.078
[SPEAKER_00]: I really need to fucking focus and stay ton of vision.
42:17.419 --> 42:21.422
[SPEAKER_00]: So for the first, I probably met him in, I want to say the,
42:22.082 --> 42:43.111
[SPEAKER_00]: No, I was at the beginning of April, we didn't go on our first date and really start talking until the end of May because I was just like not like I'm not even about to I ain't even about to do on it because I'm really Focus on me right now because I've been through so much during that time so like I'm happy that when I did meet him and it did
42:52.668 --> 43:04.850
[SPEAKER_00]: So I think that also was one of the big reasons where I was like, no, I'm gonna give this minute chance because he's working his ass off to really get to know me and really make me feel safe and comfortable and just happy to be around him.
43:05.350 --> 43:21.133
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm happy that I gave it the chance that I did because I don't know if I would have listened to my mind instead of my heart, I probably would have taken much longer to even let him get next to me and say hello for him.
43:21.747 --> 43:27.690
[SPEAKER_00]: But because I've just, and he also really still different, he's still, but it felt like, okay, let me get this a try.
43:27.710 --> 43:29.111
[SPEAKER_00]: This could be really fucking good.
43:29.451 --> 43:32.393
[SPEAKER_00]: I just came off some whack shit with some fucking terrible people.
43:32.833 --> 43:35.154
[SPEAKER_00]: Let me like, you know, he's a cool dude.
43:35.174 --> 43:39.016
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you know, you know, I was like, fuck, let me try it.
43:39.036 --> 43:48.922
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm really, really glad I did, because that's a man that takes the time to help you unburn on healthy tendencies and habits.
43:51.878 --> 43:52.358
[SPEAKER_00]: add to them.
43:52.978 --> 44:03.262
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was different within itself for me because the sign damn you're not adding to my trauma, you're not adding to my toxicity, you're not adding to why I feel like I can't trust niggas in this fuck them.
44:03.302 --> 44:11.405
[SPEAKER_00]: It's a no you're he's well, there's so many times where he's literally sat me down and literally rewire my brain chemistry within one conversation.
44:11.665 --> 44:12.185
[SPEAKER_00]: So like
44:14.475 --> 44:25.306
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's just been so interesting to see the relationship grow because navigating a relationship when you both have two totally different upbringings is also very different because he was raised around a live woman.
44:25.346 --> 44:27.688
[SPEAKER_00]: He has his mom, his grandma.
44:28.329 --> 44:29.450
[SPEAKER_00]: He was a raise around a lot of women.
44:29.470 --> 44:33.094
[SPEAKER_00]: So when it comes to handling women, he does it so beautifully.
44:33.714 --> 44:36.557
[SPEAKER_00]: He knows how to be emotionally mature.
44:37.939 --> 44:38.259
[SPEAKER_00]: All done.
44:40.103 --> 44:43.067
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, if I'm a doctor parking he's so emotionally mature.
44:43.588 --> 44:49.516
[SPEAKER_00]: He's so emotionally intelligent like he gets everything He knows when like my emotions shift.
44:49.556 --> 44:50.878
[SPEAKER_00]: He knows when my mood shifts.
44:51.318 --> 44:57.226
[SPEAKER_00]: I just I I have never had somebody handle me with such care and such delicate see it's almost like
44:58.027 --> 45:03.810
[SPEAKER_00]: He's handling me as if God literally handed me to him directly and said, listen, take care of this one.
45:04.030 --> 45:21.679
[SPEAKER_00]: Like you really need to be careful and he understood the assignment because him being raised like that and no one had a treat me and be soft and all the things versus me being raised around all these men who and I'm operating in such an Afro-female energy and such a masculine energy to where I'm
45:26.155 --> 45:42.421
[SPEAKER_00]: I have the, I have the, I have the overly independent, I have the aggressiveness, I have all of the things of a woman who was raised around a whole bunch of, and you got to think, I have so many brothers, I have unfold, I have fucking male cousins out the ass, like literally, it's like insane.
45:42.541 --> 45:47.963
[SPEAKER_00]: And I feel like I didn't realize that your different, our different upbringings,
45:49.004 --> 46:03.592
[SPEAKER_00]: affect us every single day in a day-to-day basis because even when my man is like soft and sweet at his nurturing sometimes sometimes it irritates the fuck at him and sometimes it really pisses me off because I'm like are you trying to make me feel like I'm a bitch for real?
46:04.032 --> 46:04.592
[SPEAKER_00]: you know what I mean?
46:04.932 --> 46:07.413
[SPEAKER_00]: mind you hello babe you are one you know?
46:07.794 --> 46:15.838
[SPEAKER_00]: so it's like why am I being why am I getting irritated by somebody trying to take care of me and take the load off for my shoulders?
46:16.854 --> 46:20.038
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I'm irritated because I have never had anybody do that.
46:20.058 --> 46:22.462
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm irritated because that was raised around all these men.
46:22.862 --> 46:32.595
[SPEAKER_00]: And I literally watched and you know how it is, men in society get the worst end of the state when it comes to providing for their families, taking care of their children, doing all these things.
46:33.138 --> 46:39.100
[SPEAKER_00]: I have the epitome of the coolest, dopest, uncles, cousins, brothers, all the things.
46:39.140 --> 46:44.341
[SPEAKER_00]: So I have seen men get out the mud and hustle and really be independent and do their own thing.
46:44.561 --> 46:45.581
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's all I've known.
46:45.921 --> 46:49.722
[SPEAKER_00]: So when it came to him being soft and nurturing with me, a lumbar slut, I took a fence to it.
46:49.982 --> 46:53.063
[SPEAKER_00]: Because it's like, babe, I'm independent as fuck.
46:53.283 --> 46:55.404
[SPEAKER_00]: I can do all this shit without you and plus then some.
46:55.844 --> 46:56.304
[SPEAKER_00]: But it's like,
46:57.044 --> 46:58.085
[SPEAKER_00]: He never even asked me that.
46:58.105 --> 47:02.469
[SPEAKER_00]: He never even, it was never about if I could do it for myself or anything.
47:02.529 --> 47:05.392
[SPEAKER_00]: It was about, I know you can do it for yourself, but let me do it for you.
47:05.652 --> 47:06.994
[SPEAKER_00]: So you don't have to do it for yourself.
47:07.594 --> 47:13.380
[SPEAKER_00]: And like over the year of being in this relationship with him, it has taken so much time for me to unlearn.
47:13.420 --> 47:14.281
[SPEAKER_00]: That should I still,
47:15.001 --> 47:16.842
[SPEAKER_00]: I still haven't fully grasped it.
47:17.463 --> 47:21.546
[SPEAKER_00]: Because even yesterday, it was being so nice and so sweet and I was just not in the mood.
47:21.586 --> 47:27.590
[SPEAKER_00]: First of all, I had barely fucking like he took me to a movie and I was just the most of the movie was always like, okay, can we go to bed now?
47:27.990 --> 47:28.510
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
47:28.530 --> 47:29.111
[SPEAKER_00]: So it's just like...
47:30.059 --> 47:31.941
[SPEAKER_00]: And even he was being so free like, are you okay?
47:31.961 --> 47:37.306
[SPEAKER_00]: It was, it was irritating the living shit out of me because like, bro, I'm cool.
47:37.767 --> 47:38.267
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm straight.
47:38.608 --> 47:44.974
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, let's just go home because again, when I got into, when I'm in a bad mood, my brother's leaving me to fuck alone.
47:44.994 --> 47:48.297
[SPEAKER_00]: They know, oh, let's not fuck with that, but let's leave her to fuck alone.
47:48.337 --> 47:51.661
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, I'm not used to people being like, okay, are you okay?
47:52.121 --> 47:52.741
[SPEAKER_00]: tell me what's wrong.
47:53.041 --> 47:53.962
[SPEAKER_00]: How can I help you fix it?
47:54.002 --> 47:55.862
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's also a solution based person.
47:56.202 --> 47:58.903
[SPEAKER_00]: So if I get him a problem, he's going to try to solve it.
47:58.923 --> 48:02.744
[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm telling him I'm tired, he's going to race me home so I can get in the bed.
48:02.804 --> 48:03.324
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
48:03.884 --> 48:06.405
[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like sometimes I'm not really looking for you to solve my problem.
48:06.425 --> 48:07.665
[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes I just look at for you to listen.
48:08.125 --> 48:09.026
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I want to solve it myself.
48:09.726 --> 48:10.606
[SPEAKER_00]: Again trauma.
48:10.726 --> 48:11.406
[SPEAKER_00]: I know crazy.
48:11.886 --> 48:12.627
[SPEAKER_00]: It's crazy.
48:15.743 --> 48:23.186
[SPEAKER_00]: grateful that God did not give me what I thought I wanted back then because I did not know that he had this amazing of a blessing for me now.
48:24.027 --> 48:31.210
[SPEAKER_00]: And this blessing is so amazing that it's allowing me to again, onward, all of my negative behaviors.
48:31.842 --> 48:34.543
[SPEAKER_00]: and learn and pour so much into myself.
48:35.023 --> 48:44.205
[SPEAKER_00]: I used to say that like when I first started dating this man, I said, I want to get to a point where I love myself and I see myself the way that he sees me and the way that he loves me.
48:44.525 --> 48:50.206
[SPEAKER_00]: Because he, that may worship the ground that I fucking walk on, literally.
48:50.727 --> 48:52.547
[SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't until a couple months ago.
48:53.118 --> 48:56.260
[SPEAKER_00]: that I finally was like, oh no, I love her the same way.
48:56.540 --> 48:57.181
[SPEAKER_00]: It's not more.
48:57.541 --> 48:58.081
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
48:58.101 --> 49:01.383
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, because you can't love yourself, you can't love nobody else until you love yourself for room.
49:01.823 --> 49:04.425
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, can't pour from the empty cup.
49:04.465 --> 49:12.970
[SPEAKER_00]: So that's something I really had to learn because I was like, if I don't learn that, if I don't love myself equally as much if not more as this man loves me, I'm a loser when he gonna lose me.
49:13.190 --> 49:14.611
[SPEAKER_00]: One way or another, and we gonna lose each other.
49:14.991 --> 49:17.353
[SPEAKER_00]: So that was something that I really was like, okay.
49:19.223 --> 49:28.766
[SPEAKER_00]: Number one, I want to love him the way that he loves me because not only does he take care of me but he really poisoned to me when it comes to words of affirmation or just like everything.
49:29.086 --> 49:31.687
[SPEAKER_00]: Every fucking, he checks every fucking box.
49:32.388 --> 49:34.909
[SPEAKER_00]: But also, shit, we'll play that essay.
49:35.609 --> 49:35.889
[SPEAKER_00]: Fuck.
49:39.170 --> 49:40.651
[SPEAKER_00]: Shit, I don't know, swear.
49:42.238 --> 49:54.208
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, so I think that this relationship has probably been something that again, I'd never start coming, but I'm grateful that God felt like it was time for me to receive.
49:54.709 --> 50:05.218
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, I think that this is probably the most amazing blessing that God has given me because it is so interesting because I had to had a conversation with
50:06.681 --> 50:11.724
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, Tiana actually and I also had the conversation on camera with Raya, which I'll see next week.
50:11.764 --> 50:18.988
[SPEAKER_00]: But my last relationship had ended probably like four months before I met the person on him with now.
50:19.568 --> 50:26.252
[SPEAKER_00]: And in that four month time span, the whole boss man's situation fucking happened and that like I was just so tricked out so like,
50:28.144 --> 50:36.667
[SPEAKER_00]: Tiana had asked me like how are you so receptive to this new love after that situation had ended or after your last relationship and then after that situation.
50:37.728 --> 50:45.511
[SPEAKER_00]: And I just have to say that like God's timing that he has had for me has been so...
50:59.711 --> 51:06.720
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm happy everything happened the way that it did because I wouldn't be as prepared for this love that I have now.
51:07.300 --> 51:14.209
[SPEAKER_00]: So not only does he check over my box, so then he takes care of me and he helps me in tremendous ways and I've ever been helped before.
51:14.229 --> 51:14.349
[SPEAKER_00]: But...
51:16.462 --> 51:20.664
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's just helping me figure out all the rest of my life also.
51:21.184 --> 51:24.425
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is somebody that I can talk about my career and my finances with.
51:24.665 --> 51:28.767
[SPEAKER_00]: This is somebody that I can talk about my gym and my weight loss journey with.
51:28.787 --> 51:29.307
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
51:29.347 --> 51:32.749
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is somebody that I could really talk about every aspect of life with.
51:32.789 --> 51:37.370
[SPEAKER_00]: And he's going to understand, and he's going to do everything that he can to help me find this solution.
51:37.451 --> 51:39.651
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm grateful, I'm strong, grateful.
51:39.671 --> 51:41.952
[SPEAKER_00]: This is when this is the best relationship I've ever been in my life.
51:41.992 --> 51:43.013
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to be here forever.
51:43.073 --> 51:43.413
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
51:44.723 --> 51:55.589
[SPEAKER_00]: Another topic that I really want to talk about is my friendships, because that has been the heart, one of the heart's fucking parts of my life as of recently.
51:55.709 --> 52:08.817
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I just, in April of the beginning of April, I ended a 10 year plus relationship for friendship with one of my really, really, really good friends because,
52:14.862 --> 52:18.463
[SPEAKER_00]: And my, kind of, doesn't have a, put it back to me.
52:18.483 --> 52:40.927
[SPEAKER_00]: So my mouth absolutely, but basically she had told me that for the past two years, she had been kind of tallying all of the things that she was not okay with, I guess, that I either said to her or I did to her or whatever, and decided to tell them all to me the beginning of my birthday month.
52:42.237 --> 53:05.626
[SPEAKER_00]: And deemed it as, I was someone that she did not feel like she could express herself openly to, without me being confrontational, to say to least, and, y'all know me, yes, if I feel like I gotta take it there, I will take it there, and I will be confrontational, I'll be aggressive, I'll be fucking disrespectful, I'll do, I'll be all the things.
53:06.166 --> 53:08.607
[SPEAKER_00]: But when it comes to the people I love, that's not me.
53:09.523 --> 53:19.272
[SPEAKER_00]: So for that to be her perspective and her narrative, that hurt me more than anything that has hurt me recently, surely it honestly.
53:19.613 --> 53:20.834
[SPEAKER_00]: That should still hurts me.
53:20.894 --> 53:27.460
[SPEAKER_00]: I still think about it because it's like, when you lose somebody like that, in the midst of you,
53:27.960 --> 53:30.282
[SPEAKER_00]: Gaining all these new friendships and meeting all these new people.
53:30.623 --> 53:40.111
[SPEAKER_00]: You're siding every fucking body because it's like that shit was weird for you to feel some time We're about me for two whole years and a whole time on you for the whole two years.
53:40.131 --> 53:41.653
[SPEAKER_00]: We kick in it We hang it out.
53:41.893 --> 53:43.454
[SPEAKER_00]: We're going on date double dates.
53:43.514 --> 53:49.580
[SPEAKER_00]: We we're doing a lot of things that would make me continue to believe that we had something that we really didn't so
53:50.550 --> 53:54.273
[SPEAKER_00]: That is so weird and so evil to me.
53:54.353 --> 53:56.194
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, that should have so fucking hurtful.
53:56.214 --> 53:59.157
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, even when I'm talking about it now, I'm trying to be mindful again.
53:59.177 --> 54:01.459
[SPEAKER_00]: Try to be mindful of what I say and what I don't say.
54:01.839 --> 54:03.900
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, it's not about me bashing the person.
54:03.920 --> 54:05.402
[SPEAKER_00]: It's about me sharing my experience.
54:05.982 --> 54:09.405
[SPEAKER_00]: And my experience, I just thought that she was black.
54:09.425 --> 54:12.307
[SPEAKER_00]: I thought that she was really, really weird to say the least.
54:12.447 --> 54:14.949
[SPEAKER_00]: As someone that I was, frankly, it was friends with for 10 years.
54:15.409 --> 54:16.971
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'm looking at everybody sideways.
54:17.011 --> 54:19.773
[SPEAKER_00]: And I kind of have put myself in a little bit of my isolation mode.
54:20.861 --> 54:21.801
[SPEAKER_00]: because I don't know who to trust.
54:21.821 --> 54:24.282
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who was really here for the long one.
54:24.302 --> 54:26.003
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know who really has my back for real.
54:26.023 --> 54:35.986
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know much about anything when it comes to the whole friendship act with a life and I feel like I have someone that I have a close friends on my Instagram, on my personal Instagram.
54:36.486 --> 54:39.247
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the girls that's in there, shout out to Autumn, love you down.
54:40.087 --> 54:49.371
[SPEAKER_00]: She had been posting a lot about her friendships turning sour and her friends turning into haters and being weird and I never thought
54:51.202 --> 54:53.043
[SPEAKER_00]: but it's so funny because Autumn is a tourist too.
54:54.704 --> 55:08.131
[SPEAKER_00]: And Autumn is so funny because it's so funny when you see other people who are the same zodiac sign as you who act just like you and speak just like, it's just so funny because she, I see so many similarities between me and her.
55:09.331 --> 55:15.554
[SPEAKER_00]: So when she had been hosting about it for like, you know, she even was meant for a while because she was going through it for a while with a multiple of her friends.
55:16.095 --> 55:18.396
[SPEAKER_00]: Thankfully, it's only one for me because girl.
55:19.130 --> 55:21.911
[SPEAKER_00]: But that was when it triggered my mind like down.
55:22.832 --> 55:23.532
[SPEAKER_00]: That sucks.
55:23.892 --> 55:25.933
[SPEAKER_00]: And I literally, too much later, she didn't happen to me.
55:26.153 --> 55:30.095
[SPEAKER_00]: Girl, then I was watching the podcast behind the likes.
55:30.415 --> 55:31.576
[SPEAKER_00]: I love that show.
55:32.296 --> 55:32.536
[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
55:33.396 --> 55:36.898
[SPEAKER_00]: But they had been asking each other questions about friendships and everything.
55:36.998 --> 55:43.341
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of them that stuck out to me was like, if you met your friend as the person you are now, would you still want to be their friend?
55:45.942 --> 55:47.843
[SPEAKER_00]: And what this particular situation,
55:49.337 --> 55:51.158
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like that's a great question.
55:51.458 --> 55:57.281
[SPEAKER_00]: Because I feel like we often try to say that history is what makes everything like.
55:57.321 --> 56:00.262
[SPEAKER_00]: The longer you know somebody, the better the friendship and all the things.
56:00.302 --> 56:05.965
[SPEAKER_00]: But realistically, I knew somebody for 10 years and I feel like at the end of the friendship, she never really knows shit about me.
56:06.005 --> 56:06.785
[SPEAKER_00]: She didn't know me at all.
56:07.525 --> 56:12.988
[SPEAKER_00]: And that's crazy because you were in my life for 10 years and I'll fuck you don't know how I really operate and how I really am.
56:13.548 --> 56:14.608
[SPEAKER_00]: And you know what I mean?
56:14.628 --> 56:16.469
[SPEAKER_00]: That just baffles the shit out of me.
56:19.009 --> 56:29.231
[SPEAKER_00]: Now, I haven't looked at all my friendships like them, no matter if I met you two years though, five years ago, a tech fucking years ago, what if I met you right now, two a day in 2026, what I want to fuck with you?
56:29.971 --> 56:37.752
[SPEAKER_00]: And I think that it's so logical and it really has had me breaking down and analyzing every single one of my friendships, because sometimes the answer may be no.
56:38.472 --> 56:46.374
[SPEAKER_00]: And if it's no, then like, what the fuck change, but then also if it's no, we also have to understand that in our friendships, we're not always going to be the same people.
56:47.272 --> 57:09.016
[SPEAKER_00]: I said in another post where it was like how do you how are you in your best friends how have you in your best friend been friends for so long and it's like because we didn't expect each other to be the same so it's like You know it's a toss of it's friendships being my friendships to be exact are so hard because I and I was talking about this with my boyfriend the other day and I was like when men fight
57:10.039 --> 57:28.278
[SPEAKER_00]: y'all might shoot the dirty real quick and be cool the next day because of like you know what bro I was tripping I fuck with you you my homie for you like I was tripping female friendships are so much more emotionally based and so oh my god there's so many things that go on to it and like a French a female friendship break up
57:29.438 --> 57:31.920
[SPEAKER_00]: is probably worse than breaking over your man.
57:32.440 --> 57:35.502
[SPEAKER_00]: And that is so fucking painful.
57:35.542 --> 57:44.428
[SPEAKER_00]: We are in July, and I am sitting talking about this friendship that ended in April because when I tell you that should have been so painful, it's unbelievable.
57:45.209 --> 57:48.091
[SPEAKER_00]: And there's so many things that I've just been learning about friendship, because it's like,
57:49.540 --> 57:52.162
[SPEAKER_00]: You also, also, fun fact, another thing to say.
57:52.842 --> 57:55.864
[SPEAKER_00]: As women, we give these men so many chances, chances of the chance of chance.
57:55.884 --> 57:57.585
[SPEAKER_00]: If your home girl fuck up, one time, you dumb and her.
57:57.725 --> 57:59.567
[SPEAKER_00]: Like, what, that doesn't make any sense.
57:59.707 --> 58:00.627
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my God, are we okay?
58:01.108 --> 58:02.669
[SPEAKER_00]: Are we all of, we fucking okay?
58:03.269 --> 58:12.295
[SPEAKER_00]: Then another Instagram reel I saw was a woman basically saying, like, fine friends that love their lives and love themselves so that they don't start to hate you later on.
58:14.055 --> 58:16.216
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, when I saw that, that was a fucking bar.
58:16.596 --> 58:17.676
[SPEAKER_00]: That was a fucking bar.
58:17.756 --> 58:22.037
[SPEAKER_00]: Find friends that love themselves and love their lives so that they don't hate you down the line.
58:23.018 --> 58:23.618
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my goodness.
58:23.978 --> 58:25.138
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, sorry, my life.
58:25.718 --> 58:35.561
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, then I'm going back and forth because it's like, I kind of wish that there, I wish that I didn't share so many deep things with certain people.
58:36.014 --> 58:41.438
[SPEAKER_00]: because it was rare news against me and it ended up, you and I knew I'm gonna be in my life for real for the long run.
58:41.579 --> 59:01.815
[SPEAKER_00]: But then again, I can't even say that because I just never thought it would be used against me and I really thought we was friends and I feel like as friends, you bet to each other and you tell each other things and you use each other as outlets and that's exactly what I did so I can't really be mad at myself or beat myself up or even expand on that thought when it's like, oh, I wish I never told her this, I wish I never did this.
59:02.842 --> 59:17.133
[SPEAKER_00]: Girl, if I did that, I'd be depressed as hell, because this is the same person that when Bain died three years ago, this is the first person that my member, remember, my mom was at a town.
59:17.813 --> 59:21.676
[SPEAKER_00]: So what Bain died, she called all my home girls, my uncle, my auntie, everything.
59:22.377 --> 59:26.840
[SPEAKER_00]: This is the first person that my mom hopped on the phone with and said, y'all, I'm at a town.
59:27.201 --> 59:28.942
[SPEAKER_00]: Bain just died, I really need you to get to the hospital.
59:29.643 --> 59:34.004
[SPEAKER_00]: And this person sat with me in the hospital when my dog died for hours.
59:34.564 --> 59:40.746
[SPEAKER_00]: So excuse me for being fucking angry, excuse me for really being confused as to how we got here.
59:41.366 --> 59:43.347
[SPEAKER_00]: But I'm gonna let you rock, because that's how you feel about me.
59:43.567 --> 59:49.929
[SPEAKER_00]: All right, I can't, I can't change no narrative that you created in your head about me.
59:50.069 --> 59:50.729
[SPEAKER_00]: That's untrue.
59:51.509 --> 59:54.350
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, y'all, whatever, you see it here and over there.
59:56.130 --> 01:00:00.453
[SPEAKER_00]: There has been so much growth in how I've been handling things that that's my main focus.
01:00:01.053 --> 01:00:05.597
[SPEAKER_00]: Because again, you told me I was confrontational, you told me I was aggressive and what did I do?
01:00:06.557 --> 01:00:07.118
[SPEAKER_00]: I got out of the car.
01:00:07.138 --> 01:00:10.520
[SPEAKER_00]: I immediately got out of the car and I walked away and said we're going to have to talk about this another day.
01:00:10.540 --> 01:00:16.124
[SPEAKER_00]: Because once you hurt my feelings to a point that I feel like there is no return, yeah, become confrontational.
01:00:16.383 --> 01:00:19.966
[SPEAKER_00]: So in that moment, I said, you know what I love you, but I gotta remove myself in this conversation.
01:00:20.026 --> 01:00:22.608
[SPEAKER_00]: So I never even got a chance to defend myself real.
01:00:23.288 --> 01:00:31.135
[SPEAKER_00]: So like, you know, so there's a lot of, I will remove myself before I put myself in a position for you to create any narrative about me at this point.
01:00:31.415 --> 01:00:35.038
[SPEAKER_00]: And that friendship ending taught me now, for sure.
01:00:35.518 --> 01:00:37.820
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm accepting all narratives of those who know me.
01:00:37.920 --> 01:00:40.562
[SPEAKER_00]: I may be an asshole to some, I may be a base to others.
01:00:40.782 --> 01:00:42.303
[SPEAKER_00]: And if you call me a bitch, yeah, I'm a bitch.
01:00:42.323 --> 01:00:44.205
[SPEAKER_00]: So at least I rather be a bitch,
01:00:45.952 --> 01:00:50.362
[SPEAKER_00]: I really be a bitch who don't let people play in her face, then not be a bitch.
01:00:51.743 --> 01:00:52.724
[SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, truly.
01:00:52.884 --> 01:01:00.567
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I accept all narratives, somebody might tell you I'm an asshole, one person might tell you I'm the most amazing person in the world, believe them all.
01:01:01.168 --> 01:01:04.089
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, believe them all, rely on an asshole, yeah, sometimes.
01:01:04.569 --> 01:01:09.872
[SPEAKER_00]: And I am proud of, I'm nine times that pretend to be most amazing people that most amazing person that people meet often.
01:01:10.132 --> 01:01:13.054
[SPEAKER_00]: So believe them all, believe them all, believe them all narratives.
01:01:13.394 --> 01:01:13.894
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care.
01:01:14.194 --> 01:01:19.217
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not, I went from someone who felt like she had to explain herself all the time.
01:01:20.326 --> 01:01:25.268
[SPEAKER_00]: So that there was no gray areas and so people couldn't take their take my words and run with it and create their own perception.
01:01:26.308 --> 01:01:31.270
[SPEAKER_00]: To someone who will let you believe whatever you want and from the preliminary if you want you.
01:01:31.670 --> 01:01:32.070
[SPEAKER_00]: I don't care.
01:01:32.530 --> 01:01:36.111
[SPEAKER_00]: Your perception of me does not really essentially have anything to do with me.
01:01:36.532 --> 01:01:37.012
[SPEAKER_00]: You know what I mean?
01:01:37.032 --> 01:01:37.692
[SPEAKER_00]: That's on you.
01:01:37.832 --> 01:01:40.453
[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I'm not changing nobody's narrative.
01:01:40.493 --> 01:01:42.174
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not doing another that I'm cool.
01:01:42.974 --> 01:01:44.574
[SPEAKER_00]: This is a little astrology fact.
01:01:48.403 --> 01:01:55.088
[SPEAKER_00]: your rate since May of 2018 and formally locking in during March 2019.
01:01:56.490 --> 01:02:04.796
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus has left tourists, which means that that is the end of a rough seven years for toruses, leos, Scorpios, and Aquarius'.
01:02:05.377 --> 01:02:08.379
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus is a planet of sudden change, chaos, and liberation.
01:02:09.000 --> 01:02:11.842
[SPEAKER_00]: It has been shaking up your traditionally ground plate.
01:02:12.383 --> 01:02:12.663
[SPEAKER_00]: What?
01:02:14.495 --> 01:02:29.945
[SPEAKER_00]: is when shaking up your traditionally grounded stability loving sign, Uranus through tourists, which officially ended on April 26th, April 25th, 2026, two days before, my 26th birthday, let's keep that in mind.
01:02:30.786 --> 01:02:33.287
[SPEAKER_00]: Uranus will not return to tours for another 84 years.
01:02:35.110 --> 01:02:48.633
[SPEAKER_00]: This means you were constantly pushed out of your comfort zone, experiencing unexpected shifts in your career, relationships and personal identity, while highly unpredictable, this period broke down limiting attachments and forced massive personal growth.
01:02:49.233 --> 01:02:56.295
[SPEAKER_00]: Now that Uranus has moved into Gemini, the era of unpredictable breakdowns is transitioning into a period of closure.
01:02:56.848 --> 01:03:01.650
[SPEAKER_00]: You are completely transformed, stronger and wiser and the wiser version of yourself.
01:03:02.010 --> 01:03:05.651
[SPEAKER_00]: You can finally integrate these lessons and settle into the new life and now, Jesus, you built.
01:03:07.412 --> 01:03:24.938
[SPEAKER_00]: Just I had to put that in there because I have a colleague who's also a tourist and right after my birth that she's setting all of the information about this and she was like, you're about to walk into the best signal of your life because you have been holding it down and weathering the storm for the past seven years.
01:03:25.724 --> 01:03:27.525
[SPEAKER_00]: and you about to really walk into some blessings.
01:03:27.585 --> 01:03:29.545
[SPEAKER_00]: And I will not, I feel it.
01:03:30.066 --> 01:03:32.407
[SPEAKER_00]: I feel it, and I'm ready for it, and I'm ready.
01:03:32.587 --> 01:03:40.690
[SPEAKER_00]: So if you are a hold on, tourist, Leo, Scorpio, or Aquarius, make room for your blessings, expeditiously, right now, okay?
01:03:41.170 --> 01:03:42.070
[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, okay.
01:03:44.371 --> 01:03:46.232
[SPEAKER_00]: Let the closing, I have a closing here.
01:03:47.628 --> 01:03:50.730
[SPEAKER_00]: I can't believe we sat and talked for this probably over an hour, I don't even know.
01:03:51.070 --> 01:04:06.520
[SPEAKER_00]: But lastly, I know I think, John, in the beginning of that episode, but I had to thank you again for your patience and waiting this long for an episode, because nobody has unfollowed my, me on my past days, nobody has blocked me, nobody has been like, all right, pump this bitch.
01:04:07.420 --> 01:04:11.503
[SPEAKER_00]: Everybody's just been waiting patiently knowing that I'm going to come back soon and I really appreciate that.
01:04:12.103 --> 01:04:12.704
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm back.
01:04:13.364 --> 01:04:25.348
[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm here to stay the summer the summer is the time where just I usually thrives anyway and I'm a little late because it is July, but I'm glad that I'm getting this episode out before August because girl, like...
01:04:25.799 --> 01:04:28.521
[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, summer where my fucking old work, if I got back in August.
01:04:28.541 --> 01:04:30.842
[SPEAKER_00]: So summer is usually my thriving time.
01:04:31.482 --> 01:04:37.186
[SPEAKER_00]: I have a lot of amazing things in the works, career wise, personal wise, podcast wife.
01:04:37.206 --> 01:04:43.830
[SPEAKER_00]: Like I have so many things that like, I'm just trying to navigate through so that I can tell you all about it when it's ready.
01:04:44.790 --> 01:04:49.413
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm looking forward to getting back into my labs, bringing more experiences and stories to the show.
01:04:50.093 --> 01:04:52.695
[SPEAKER_00]: Five years of just J will be on August 12th.
01:04:54.145 --> 01:04:56.388
[SPEAKER_00]: I also want to get my man on the couch for sure.
01:04:56.909 --> 01:05:08.347
[SPEAKER_00]: I know I was trying to be funny and say like I really don't want to have a look at him even though he is a fine fine like man, but I do think that like the way he showed up and showed out up the like show
01:05:09.360 --> 01:05:19.443
[SPEAKER_00]: was like everything that I ever wanted to see it more because Raquel, who is a licensed marriage girl, she was also one of the women that had panels, had a panel up on the live show.
01:05:19.843 --> 01:05:23.364
[SPEAKER_00]: She had a card game, I wish I had it down here, have it upstairs.
01:05:23.764 --> 01:05:24.964
[SPEAKER_00]: She has a card game for couples.
01:05:25.224 --> 01:05:28.265
[SPEAKER_00]: I think she has two versions of singles one and a couple's one.
01:05:28.325 --> 01:05:34.887
[SPEAKER_00]: But she had us go up to start her panel and pull questions and all the things that he actually got up there on that stage and actually did it with me.
01:05:34.927 --> 01:05:35.627
[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm really
01:05:36.367 --> 01:05:39.430
[SPEAKER_00]: That was like a different bag that I seen him in because of this whole time.
01:05:39.450 --> 01:05:42.032
[SPEAKER_00]: He was like, no, I'm never, I've never seen the couch at you.
01:05:42.052 --> 01:05:45.334
[SPEAKER_00]: I've never recorded, I don't like seeing myself, not all the fucking bullshit.
01:05:46.135 --> 01:05:49.778
[SPEAKER_00]: And I've never really got up there for my life show and did his big one.
01:05:49.818 --> 01:05:52.380
[SPEAKER_00]: So I would love to get him on the couch.
01:05:52.420 --> 01:05:58.165
[SPEAKER_00]: The three anniversary of vein passing was just a couple of weeks ago in June, June 18th actually.
01:05:59.022 --> 01:06:05.069
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I have another, I didn't even tell y'all, y'all know about Stitch stitches, the Frenchy that I had while being was here.
01:06:05.169 --> 01:06:06.510
[SPEAKER_00]: I got him when being was still alive.
01:06:07.031 --> 01:06:12.016
[SPEAKER_00]: What stitch just had some babies a couple weeks ago, I think like seven or eight weeks ago.
01:06:12.657 --> 01:06:14.379
[SPEAKER_00]: And one of his children is living in my house now.
01:06:14.399 --> 01:06:20.145
[SPEAKER_00]: So now I have two dogs named Stitch and smoke, who are Frenchies, father and son, and that's my fucking crazy shit.
01:06:20.738 --> 01:06:26.341
[SPEAKER_00]: Also, Nick's in five, hello, because we also miss that last time we spoke.
01:06:26.901 --> 01:06:28.762
[SPEAKER_00]: Nick's in five, you know what's so crazy about that?
01:06:30.243 --> 01:06:35.886
[SPEAKER_00]: My dad had me strapped to the mother fucking cow to watch them damn games, and my dad is about to be 53, August 2nd.
01:06:36.647 --> 01:06:38.848
[SPEAKER_00]: And he literally set up and weighed him up whole life for this.
01:06:39.962 --> 01:06:45.226
[SPEAKER_00]: So, and like living in New York and being in New York or like that was probably the best time ever.
01:06:45.306 --> 01:06:48.968
[SPEAKER_00]: And it was starting this summer like next in five, because it's all I got to say.
01:06:48.988 --> 01:06:50.089
[SPEAKER_00]: Shout out to Jalen Bronson.
01:06:50.149 --> 01:06:50.669
[SPEAKER_00]: I love you.
01:06:50.689 --> 01:06:52.170
[SPEAKER_00]: I would love to interview you one day.
01:06:52.250 --> 01:06:55.452
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god, that was probably my dad would probably boo who cried.
01:06:55.853 --> 01:06:58.515
[SPEAKER_00]: The whole time during the interview, sign on the sidelines.
01:06:58.575 --> 01:07:02.657
[SPEAKER_00]: And I wouldn't even be able to get a fucking question out because you'd be so in awe of you.
01:07:03.518 --> 01:07:07.040
[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, if Jalen Bronson ever sees this or Josh Hart, I'm willing to interview him all.
01:07:07.721 --> 01:07:09.262
[SPEAKER_00]: So, next coming.
01:07:09.302 --> 01:07:09.542
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
01:07:10.183 --> 01:07:11.785
[SPEAKER_00]: Um, I love y'all.
01:07:12.266 --> 01:07:14.708
[SPEAKER_00]: I'm so happy to be back sitting on the couch.
01:07:14.788 --> 01:07:17.251
[SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate everybody who listened to this entire episode.
01:07:17.271 --> 01:07:22.998
[SPEAKER_00]: I know it was probably wrong and I was jumping all around because I had so much to say, but I'm so happy to be back.
01:07:23.078 --> 01:07:23.718
[SPEAKER_00]: I love y'all.
01:07:23.859 --> 01:07:28.224
[SPEAKER_00]: Thank y'all so much for listening to another episode of just air the podcast.
01:07:28.244 --> 01:07:29.024
[SPEAKER_00]: We back next week.
