Discipline Isn't What You Think — Regulate, Don't Rely on Willpower

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Welcome to another episode of EQ and
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Lots, where we talk about emotional intelligence and the nervous system.
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Today is going to be a good subject, for me anyway. I like it.
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I appreciate it. Today we're going to talk about discipline.
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Discipline is not willpower. It's regulation.
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So we're going to entitle this episode, Discipline Isn't What You Think and
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Why You Keep Falling Off.
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So discipline is not motivation It is not willpower It is not trying hard Discipline
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is the ability to stay regulated long enough to follow through,
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And so recently I went through And actually I can't even say I went through
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I can say I'm in a season of my life Where for the first time in my life I saw the value of discipline.
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And not only did I just see the value of discipline, but I seek to gain more discipline in my life.
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It all started when I started going to the gym and I realized how good it really
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felt going to the gym and just being there and being present and making sure
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I followed through my routine. That felt really good.
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But then I started exploring all the other areas of my life where discipline was not it wasn't,
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in place. And so it really got me to question why that was and how I was suffering
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really from the lack of discipline.
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So let's get into it. Let's get started.
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You know, most people think they lack discipline. They don't.
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What really happens is they lack the ability to stay regulated when it matters.
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Because dysregulation, what does that lead to?
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Well, dysregulation leads to chaos. Dysregulation leads to making choices that
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aren't necessarily beneficial long term.
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Dysregulation leads to seeking comfort when doing the hard thing is not what we want to do.
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Because to keep it all the way real with you, if discipline was about willpower,
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you'd just decide once and stick to it. It'd be that simple.
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But that's not what happens.
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So often we start strong and then something shifts. And that shift isn't laziness.
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It's your nervous system.
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So what do I mean by that? I mean, take, for example, let's say you're doing,
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I'm going to go back to my last marriage, okay?
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When I met that young lady, I was doing very well in business.
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I had actually started a little mentoring business and I had taken over the
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budget in two different counties for my mentoring services and those who are contractors.
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And so I was doing really well. But then when she came into my life,
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I very quickly let everything go.
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Now, the situations that led to that, It wasn't just like, oh,
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I'm in love and I'm just going to let everything fall to pieces.
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There were many other circumstances that took place.
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But at the end of the day, it was lack of discipline in many different areas
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of life that led to that downfall.
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And so as this new person and these children came into my life,
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my nervous system readjusted. And what its goal was, was simply to stay stable.
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And because I hadn't trained myself to do that under these circumstances,
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it led to chaos internally.
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And as a result, chaos ensued externally.
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And again, it wasn't just like, oh, hey, she's ending my life and now I got
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all these new responsibilities. There was a lot going on there.
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But none of that matters. What really matters is the fact that if my nervous
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system was regulated, I would have handled that very, very differently.
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So let's get back to this discipline thing, right? People rely on motivation,
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which is a very much a temporary state.
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And then when stress hits, well,
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that state changes. And when the state changes, the behaviors change.
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So you don't lose discipline. You actually lose access to it.
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And so what does that look like? Well, for some people, it might be dieting, right?
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I know that at my heaviest, like I said, I was around 500 pounds.
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And when I was 500 pounds, I would tell myself again and again and again,
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oh, I'm going to lose this weight. I'm going to stop eating like trash.
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I'm going to do all these wonderful things. And I was motivated for three days, right?
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Motivated for three days when I was trying to Atkins diet, and it worked. It worked.
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That motivation worked for three whole days until something came up in life
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and I didn't know how to handle it.
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So the answer to me becoming regulated was, well, let me eat because that calms me down.
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Right. Let me just go grab some, some fast food because, oh,
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wait a minute, that feels better than feeling.
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I know that what that will do for me. Now, what I couldn't see in And that moment
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was that all that junk I was eating made me feel like crap as well.
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But in the moment, it felt good. And the moment it felt really good.
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And so we can apply this to anything in our lives. And you can apply this to
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nicotine. You can apply this to sexual relationships.
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You can apply this to sleeping.
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I mean, you can apply this to literally anything in your life.
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And so when the situation changes, right, and our state changes of our nervous system,
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We seek to find that baseline, our baseline. And so our brain is by default
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going to go, it's going to go to whatever has worked with is the reality.
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And so that's what it looks like.
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So let's put it in a real time, real, real, real time situation.
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So you feel good and you make a plan, right? Let's just say,
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for example, that that plan is I'm going to have a better communication with my mate, right?
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And you start executing, you know, you're a little bit more calm and you're
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a little bit more relaxed and everything's going good. Right.
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But then your mate, they say something that it knocks you out of,
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knocks you out of sync with this new person you're trying to become.
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And maybe it reminds you of an old wound. Maybe they say, you know,
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you're so, why don't you just do this? You're so lazy.
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And maybe that word is a trigger for you. I don't know.
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But then that stress and that discomfort shows up. And all of a sudden,
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the nervous system is activated.
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And so what do you do? You go back into defensive mode, or you're no longer
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focused on good communication, but you're focused on protecting yourself.
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And so you start going back at them, right? You start saying,
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well, if you wouldn't do this, or if you would get up and help me, or if you would, right?
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And that's how the cycle reinitiates itself.
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So it's not that you're lacking discipline.
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It's that something happened to dysregulate your nervous system.
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So then you avoid, you delay, or you quit.
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And every time we give in to that, every time we avoid the better communication,
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every time we delay it by going silent, every time we quit, we're reaffirming
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to our nervous system, our brain,
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that, oh, this can't be us.
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We can't do this thing. We can't communicate better.
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So again, your plan didn't fail, your state changed.
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So discipline is really about state management.
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And when you're regulated, you're focused, you're clear, you're consistent.
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And actually, I'm not going to say you're, I'm going to say we're, myself included.
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When I'm regulated, I'm focused, I'm clear, I'm consistent.
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But when I'm dysregulated, I'm distracted, I'm avoidant, I'm impulsive.
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We are distracted, avoidant, impulsive.
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And, you know, I really, for a long time, I've focused in on this word, discipline.
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And obviously, I don't know about you, but when I think about the word discipline,
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I think about the root word, which looks like disciple, right?
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And what does it mean to be a disciple?
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And this is not a biblical text. don't get on me just yet.
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Disciple is nothing more than a teacher. So discipline is supposed to teach
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you. It's not supposed to be a state.
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At least that's the way I like to look at it. So what is this thing that I'm doing teaching?
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Discipline is what behavior looks like when your system is stable.
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So I like to use discipline to train my state.
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And so this can lead us, or this leads me to the next part, right?
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The next part of the equation.
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And,
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why you know better, but don't do better. And so I'm going to go back in a time
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period in my life that was really tough for me, right?
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And this system or this time period was, and I know I've talked about this a
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lot, but when I was having to go to court every few months, when I had custody of my daughter.
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And so I knew better, right?
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But I didn't do better because inevitably, inevitably, every time that paperwork
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in the court came, I knew that there would be more lies hurled at me.
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I knew that I would be on the defensive. And as soon as I got the paperwork,
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I was defensive against everyone and everything, right?
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And my experience had taught me that the only way to be safe in courts or when
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I was dealing with the system was to be defensive.
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And so what happened? Because that's a huge activation of my nervous system, right?
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Well, my awareness was there. I knew that I couldn't go into the courts and
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just cuss them out, right? That wasn't going to work out well.
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But what did happen was execution disappeared under pressure.
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So I was still doing all the things I had to do, but I was doing it robotically.
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So what do I mean by that?
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I mean that I still had to take my daughter to school.
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I still had to make sure she was taken care of and, you know, the bills were paid.
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She was fed. I was fed. Right.
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But I was doing it mechanically. So I was missing a lot of pivotal moments.
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Because while I was there physically
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present, my nervous system was in fight, flight, or freeze mode.
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And this disgusting cycle repeated itself every three to six months.
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And it would last the entire time.
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What do I mean by that? I mean I would get a notice that, hey, we have court again.
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And then I would stay stuck in this fight or flight mode for the next three
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months until court was over.
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And it didn't matter how much I knew that what was being hurled at me was lies.
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It didn't matter how many times the courts decided that I was never found guilty
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of anything. I never held in contempt.
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I was never, you know, none of that ever happened.
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But the reality of it is, though, is because I had lost a child before this
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one, right, from the same woman in a situation, I was stuck in fight or flight mode.
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And so that's where that execution disappeared under pressure because I hadn't
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dealt with the pressure that came before this current circumstance.
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And sadly, I wish I could sit here and tell you that I grew past that.
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I wish I could tell you that, oh, yeah, I recognized this at some point in my
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court battles and everything was all well and good, but that would be a lie.
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I didn't learn this until after I had lost everyone and everything that mattered to me, right?
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And so once I lost everyone, I then decided to do something that I should have
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done many years prior. I started working on myself.
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And so I realized that if I was regulated, well, then I became aware of the real problem.
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And after I was aware of the real problem, then I could start making better
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choices about how to handle it.
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Because at the end of the day, if you're not regulated, awareness doesn't turn
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into action. It just turns into more chaos.
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And that was the cycle that I was stuck in for so long.
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And again, in my mind at that time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I truly did.
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But what I didn't realize is that fear was driving me. The fear of losing yet
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another child was driving me, was driving all my behaviors.
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Now, I wish I could go back and change things and do things differently, but I can't.
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But what I can do, what I can do is help others who face situations.
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And you might be thinking, well, Matthew, what does your child in that custody
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situation have to do with me at work? because it's the same system that's driving the behaviors.
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Your nervous system is the same system that's driving the behaviors because
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you realize it or not, right?
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And so then we go into what actually builds discipline.
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And this is very simple.
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Short, repeatable action, not big goals. Short, repeatable actions.
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And so here's something I want to just put out there to you.
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I want to put out to all the people listening because I really appreciate you
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and I really want you to walk away with tools that can reshape your nervous system.
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And of course, yeah, anyway, short, repeatable actions.
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Regulate first, act second.
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You have to reduce the decision load and focus on recovery, not perfection.
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So what does this look like in real time? Okay.
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When I started dealing with all these things that I just discussed with you,
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as far as the truth about court, the truth about the lies that had been told
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about me, the truth about the loss that I experienced, I very quickly realized,
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come to, well, I shouldn't even say quickly.
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I should say I came to realize how these things were impacting me.
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And so I would go to court and I thought when I went to court that it was the
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sight of my ex-wife and her current husband who, that was impacting me.
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And so what did I do? I did a little thing called exposure therapy,
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right i would put their picture up
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and actually i made a video of their picture on
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and i reprogram my
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mind to no longer see them as a threat or something
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bad or vicious but i retrained my mind to see them as just people and that was
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it because truth be told i can honestly say that i haven't been afraid of any
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man in a very long time a very long time but that didn't stop my nervous system
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from being activated from the things that were told,
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the lies that were spread, you know, those consequences.
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So I implemented the short, repeatable actions. I watched that video and I would just breathe.
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Four seconds in, six seconds out. And I would watch the video and I would see them, right?
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And I started creating a process to where all of a sudden they weren't threatening
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at all. All of a sudden they were just people.
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And so guess what? Now I could go into court. And now I could face these people,
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despite whatever lies they might have came and told about me.
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And I could breathe through it because they were just people.
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Right. And to be honest with you, I don't think they're bad people.
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Right. They were simply doing what they felt was necessary to regulate their own nervous system.
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Now, I didn't understand that for a long time.
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But once I understood that, well, imagine how much that increased my peace. Right.
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Imagine how much that increased my peace by seeing. And wait a minute,
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these people, specifically this woman who hurt me so immensely.
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Right? She's not actually trying to hurt me. She's just trying to protect herself.
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And that brought in a whole different meaning. So then when I regulated first
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and then I started acting.
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Well, I reduced my decision load because no longer was I thinking,
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okay, well, how am I going to navigate this situation?
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I was started thinking, what's the best solution for my daughter?
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What's the best possible decision I can make to benefit my daughter in this situation.
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And so I eliminated an entire realm of thoughts simply by regulating first.
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And so what does this mean for you in your life in real time?
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Well, if there's a situation or a person who comes up in your mind and they
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create internal conflict, they create internal anxiety,
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I'm not going to suggest you do the same thing I did. But what I am going to suggest.
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When thoughts of that person or that situation come up, force yourself to sit
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down for 30 seconds and just breathe.
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Let those feelings exist inside you. Don't try and rush them away.
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Don't try and think them away. Don't try and distract yourself. Don't try and keep busy.
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Let them have their space inside you.
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And the only thing you need to control while they take up this space is your
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breath. four seconds in, six seconds out.
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And if you can do that, if you can do that,
00:18:30.457 --> 00:18:36.137
I promise you what you'll find over time is that these things that are activating
00:18:36.137 --> 00:18:42.077
your nervous system so intensely will in very short order start to lose their power.
00:18:42.197 --> 00:18:47.177
But you, you have to take steps to do the work.
00:18:47.797 --> 00:18:51.677
And that's where that discipline comes in at. you're regulating your nervous
00:18:51.677 --> 00:18:52.797
system through that discipline.
00:18:53.877 --> 00:19:00.517
Here's the truth most people avoid. They don't actually struggle with discipline.
00:19:01.017 --> 00:19:07.337
They struggle with staying in discomfort without leaving. And that's the real work, my friends.
00:19:08.057 --> 00:19:13.477
And let me repeat that. You don't struggle with discipline. You struggle with
00:19:13.477 --> 00:19:15.657
staying in discomfort without leaving it.
00:19:16.157 --> 00:19:19.117
Because nobody likes to be uncomfortable. None of us like to be uncomfortable.
00:19:19.757 --> 00:19:22.377
Matter of fact, if we'd like to be undiscomfortable, if we'd like to be uncomfortable,
00:19:22.977 --> 00:19:28.037
you know, we would get a lot further, a lot quicker, but we do everything in
00:19:28.037 --> 00:19:29.417
our power to avoid discomfort.
00:19:30.117 --> 00:19:34.577
But if you're listening to me, I'm assuming that, you know, you've probably
00:19:34.577 --> 00:19:39.857
seen some quotes or, you know, online about no growth happens outside the comfort
00:19:39.857 --> 00:19:42.777
zone or, you know, something to affect. And that's true.
00:19:43.457 --> 00:19:48.897
Growth is uncomfortable. It is out and out miserable at times.
00:19:49.597 --> 00:19:52.617
But my friends, I am here to tell you it is so worth it.
00:19:53.817 --> 00:19:55.117
It is so worth it.
00:19:56.206 --> 00:20:00.546
The real work. That's what it comes down to. So I've had a lot of people reach
00:20:00.546 --> 00:20:02.966
out to me about being guests on my show.
00:20:03.146 --> 00:20:08.226
And I just want to, I really appreciate everybody reaching out.
00:20:08.326 --> 00:20:09.986
I appreciate everybody.
00:20:10.186 --> 00:20:19.266
I mean, I've had, you know, everybody from owners and doctors to just all types
00:20:19.266 --> 00:20:21.086
of people reach out to be a guest on this show.
00:20:21.486 --> 00:20:25.246
And I really appreciate that. And I just want to say thank you because that
00:20:25.246 --> 00:20:26.386
means that the word is spreading.
00:20:27.286 --> 00:20:35.086
But today I got a message and essentially that message read that this person
00:20:35.086 --> 00:20:36.126
felt like they were working.
00:20:36.586 --> 00:20:40.326
This person realized that the small actions they took every day, they matter.
00:20:40.966 --> 00:20:47.426
This person realized that, you know, life can be beautiful and that they're
00:20:47.426 --> 00:20:50.966
only going to grow into that who they want to be by being uncomfortable.
00:20:51.526 --> 00:20:58.406
And it helped me to appreciate how much and how important it is to know that your story matters.
00:20:59.506 --> 00:21:03.506
And so if you're a social worker, if you're a teacher, if you are,
00:21:04.266 --> 00:21:10.366
you know, you work with kids or let's say you, it doesn't matter what walk of life you come from.
00:21:10.926 --> 00:21:15.446
If you have a story and you want to share it, I'd like to be a part of that.
00:21:16.106 --> 00:21:24.646
And obviously, I expect to get more feedback than I can handle, and I'm okay with that.
00:21:26.026 --> 00:21:29.946
But what we need to do is we need to get some real voices out here.
00:21:30.066 --> 00:21:34.026
So I need you guys to tell me what voices are going to help you to become the
00:21:34.026 --> 00:21:34.966
best version of yourself.
00:21:35.726 --> 00:21:40.866
You know, I talk about NOLS, and if you check out the YouTube clips and things
00:21:40.866 --> 00:21:43.166
like that, you'll see how NOLS has helped other people.
00:21:44.126 --> 00:21:47.226
And I know it probably seems like I'm all over the place right now, but stick with me.
00:21:48.419 --> 00:21:50.859
And so if you're having a problem reaching this point where,
00:21:51.099 --> 00:21:55.599
okay, I want to make changes, but I simply can't do it, I just can't do it on
00:21:55.599 --> 00:21:59.599
my own, I invite you to consider using those.
00:21:59.939 --> 00:22:05.519
And I invite you to go in and look at the videos on EQ Unlocked 2 on YouTube.
00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:09.559
You know, there you'll see people. You'll see clips of people who have used
00:22:09.559 --> 00:22:11.479
it, and you'll see the benefits that they've experienced.
00:22:12.779 --> 00:22:19.179
And I would strongly encourage you to consider getting a version of NOLS for yourself.
00:22:21.259 --> 00:22:29.219
Because NOLS is what really helped me with everything in my life and it's pretty
00:22:29.219 --> 00:22:30.639
amazing and I'm pretty proud of it,
00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:38.179
and so this is where that discipline thing comes in are you willing to dedicate
00:22:38.179 --> 00:22:44.339
7 minutes a day to yourself because discipline isn't about consistently and
00:22:44.339 --> 00:22:46.139
constantly forcing yourself.
00:22:46.819 --> 00:22:50.919
It's about becoming someone who can stay. Someone who can stay in effort,
00:22:51.339 --> 00:22:57.579
someone who can stay in discomfort, someone who can stay in a moment long enough to follow through.
00:22:58.299 --> 00:23:03.659
Because when you can stay, when we can stay, our life starts to change.
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:08.679
So as always, you guys, if you want to understand why you fall off and where
00:23:08.679 --> 00:23:09.839
your baseline actually is.
00:23:10.119 --> 00:23:13.699
Go take that regulation baseline assessment at Matthew F. Stephens Duck.
00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:18.319
Of course, I'll respond to you if you've already, if you've already understood.
00:23:19.549 --> 00:23:24.909
Already done it. You know, I appreciate that. And so at the end of the day,
00:23:25.049 --> 00:23:29.289
I really appreciate you becoming the best version of yourself and appreciate
00:23:29.289 --> 00:23:30.989
all the sharing, the liking, the subscribing.
00:23:31.709 --> 00:23:35.809
You guys have been supporting me and the numbers are just continuously showing this.
00:23:35.969 --> 00:23:39.289
And so again, I go back to that point.
00:23:39.369 --> 00:23:43.829
If you have a story or if you want to share a story, I encourage you to reach
00:23:43.829 --> 00:23:45.349
out and let's get together.
00:23:45.529 --> 00:23:48.389
Let's talk about some things. Let's figure out how we're going to help each other.
00:23:48.929 --> 00:23:55.149
Because as separate as we are, for all the differences we have as mankind,
00:23:55.149 --> 00:24:00.909
we all have the same nervous system, which means we can all be helped the same way.
00:24:01.269 --> 00:24:04.229
Our brain's pathway of getting there, that might look a little different,
00:24:04.889 --> 00:24:06.549
but we can all help each other.
00:24:07.089 --> 00:24:11.429
So I appreciate you joining me for another episode of EQ Unlocked.
00:24:11.429 --> 00:24:20.489
I appreciate you know showing up and sharing the message you know if this episode if this episode.
00:24:21.349 --> 00:24:26.749
Really hits you and I definitely want you to walk away knowing if you've ever
00:24:26.749 --> 00:24:28.649
never known this before but,
00:24:29.488 --> 00:24:32.168
broken. We've just been approaching this thing the wrong way.
00:24:32.648 --> 00:24:34.688
And that's right there at the shift.
00:24:35.148 --> 00:24:40.168
So as always, be amazing, be you, and thank you for joining me for another episode
00:24:40.168 --> 00:24:42.328
of EQ Unlocked. Catch you on the flip side.
00:24:42.988 --> 00:24:48.048
As this episode comes to a close, take a moment to notice what stood out for you.
00:24:48.308 --> 00:24:51.408
Emotional intelligence isn't about having all the answers.
00:24:51.508 --> 00:24:56.228
It's about building awareness, understanding yourself and the people around
00:24:56.228 --> 00:25:01.088
you, and choosing how you respond, especially when things feel difficult.
00:25:01.308 --> 00:25:06.008
Growth happens through reflection and practice, not pressure or perfection.
00:25:06.268 --> 00:25:11.948
If this conversation supported you, consider sharing it with someone who may benefit from it as well.
00:25:12.088 --> 00:25:16.708
To explore more tools and resources around emotional intelligence and personal
00:25:16.708 --> 00:25:20.148
development, connect with EQ Unlocked and NOLS.
00:25:20.288 --> 00:25:24.548
Until next time, remember, better awareness leads to better choices,
00:25:24.548 --> 00:25:27.948
and better choices lead to a better life.
00:25:28.648 --> 00:25:32.168
This is EQ Unlocked.