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You've been snapping at your partner over nothing, leaving the group chat on read and lying awake running the day back on a loop. Every time you think about saying something out loud to someone, something in you shuts the door. Michael Derby is back on This Complex Life to talk about why asking for help feels so costly for so many men, how shame shows up and the small first steps that make reaching out easier.
Things Discussed:- Why needing support isn't evidence that something's wrong with you, and Michael's gym and spotter analogy
- What to do when getting started feels too big
- Emotions as information, from feeling hangry to worry, and why sadness isn't the exception
- The thousands of tiny moments that teach boys and men to harden up
- Stepping out of history so the next generation doesn't inherit the same rules
- How parents can accidentally dismiss feelings by trying to take the hurt away
- What footy culture says about which emotions are allowed
- Accountability for what we do with big emotions, and why emotion is like a river
- Signs it might be time to reach out, and how to start the conversation in the car or on a walk
- How to be a better listener when someone opens up, including REV: respond, empathise, validate
- The difference between guilt and shame, and how shame shows up as I don't know or I'm fine
- Vulnerability in mixed neurotype couples
- How to find the right professional for you
- Three things you can do on your own for your mental health, plus one for bedtime
Timestamps:
0:00 Welcome back, Michael
1:00 What Michael wishes people knew about reaching out
2:00 The gym and spotter analogy
4:00 Emotions are information, not a malfunction
5:30 The tiny moments that teach men to harden up
6:30 Stepping out of history
7:30 Taking the hurt away: the guinea pig example
11:00 Footy clubs, shame and prosocial rules
14:30 When it might be time to reach out
15:00 How to start the conversation
17:00 How to be a better listener
20:00 REV: respond, empathise, validate
22:30 Guilt versus shame and how shame shows up
27:30 Mixed neurotype couples
31:30 Where to start looking for support
34:30 Three things you can do on your own
Resources and Links:- Michael's first episode on This Complex Life, on shame: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0aJqFNp4VZHW17zYLRLqsu?si=mzqJaUjkQSe5DS8WFhId2g
- Wonderkind & Co., where Michael practises: www.wonderkindandco.com
- Email Michael: MDerby@anchorpointtherapy.com.au
- Deakin University's Food and Mood Centre: https://foodandmoodcentre.com.au/
- If you need to talk to someone now: Lifeline 13 11 14 or MensLine Australia 1300 78 99 78
Keep the Conversation Going
Got a question or a topic you'd like us to cover? Send it through here: forms.gle/ExJAeBTXAfn8xGkQ9
Guest Info:Michael Derby is an Accredited Mental Health Social Worker and Family Therapist with a strong interest in men's mental health, and he works a lot with young people. He runs his own practice and works out of Wonderkind & Co. www.wonderkindandco.com. His own website is due to go live in early 2027, and in the meantime you can reach him by email MDerby@anchorpointtherapy.com.au.
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