WEBVTT
00:00:02.070 --> 00:00:05.330
Welcome to today's episode of the Parents Support
00:00:05.330 --> 00:00:07.849
Hub podcast with me, your host, Leona Burton.
00:00:08.109 --> 00:00:11.769
I am joined by the gorgeous, the fantastic, the
00:00:11.769 --> 00:00:15.810
very special, Abby Clark is in the building.
00:00:16.210 --> 00:00:20.789
Hello, Abby. Hello. Oh my gosh, you sounded a
00:00:20.789 --> 00:00:22.469
little bit like Miss Rachel then. I was here
00:00:22.469 --> 00:00:26.670
for it. Yes. Well, you know, a teaching degree
00:00:26.670 --> 00:00:30.309
will do things to you. Listen, listen, parenting
00:00:30.309 --> 00:00:34.609
alone will do things to you. Never mind. Abby,
00:00:34.810 --> 00:00:38.049
let's go back to the beginning of all time. No,
00:00:38.109 --> 00:00:40.109
we're not going quite that far back. We are going
00:00:40.109 --> 00:00:43.549
to go back to the beginning of your journey as
00:00:43.549 --> 00:00:48.189
a teacher, as an educator, as a parenting. Well,
00:00:48.350 --> 00:00:51.490
I was going to call you a parenting expert. What's
00:00:51.490 --> 00:00:55.920
your official title, Abby? Parent mentor. we're
00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:59.259
going with that at the moment yeah mental yeah
00:00:59.259 --> 00:01:01.560
so we're going back to the beginning of that
00:01:01.560 --> 00:01:04.700
journey where did this all begin where did the
00:01:04.700 --> 00:01:10.260
love of teaching and education come from so I
00:01:10.260 --> 00:01:13.200
my dad has basically my whole life said to me
00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:15.180
you need to be a teacher and I was always very
00:01:15.180 --> 00:01:18.019
much that sort of no I'm not going to push that
00:01:18.019 --> 00:01:20.200
away and I'm going to rebel against that um so
00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:23.060
I did a drama degree and doing that made me hate
00:01:23.060 --> 00:01:28.640
drama um that will happen yes yes yeah um so
00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:31.980
I very naively thought I know I want a family
00:01:31.980 --> 00:01:34.099
I'm gonna go into teaching because of all the
00:01:34.099 --> 00:01:37.280
wonderful uh holidays you get and it's it's child
00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:40.140
friendly you know it's nine till three you get
00:01:40.140 --> 00:01:45.900
to do and yeah then uh that came down like then
00:01:45.900 --> 00:01:47.760
I realized I was like that's that's not how it
00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:50.879
is but I am very much I've always done this thing
00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:54.079
where If I see the reality of something and the
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:56.040
reality looks like it's hard, I'm like, well,
00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:58.159
that's fine. I can do that anyway. And I'm going
00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:02.159
to make it work for me in my way. So when I was
00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:05.599
teacher training, we were told that there was
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:07.640
a ridiculously high amount of teachers that end
00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:10.340
up leaving in the first five years. And I remember
00:02:10.340 --> 00:02:11.759
going, that's not going to be me because I can
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:17.980
do it anyway. I can do it. It's like a... unbelievable
00:02:17.980 --> 00:02:20.439
sort of just faith in myself I guess at some
00:02:20.439 --> 00:02:25.659
point so that I do have um and I remember my
00:02:25.659 --> 00:02:28.000
teacher training absolutely loving learning about
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:30.919
how children learn and I found that really fascinating
00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:34.800
and the way that our brains actually physically
00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:36.259
work and what's happening when we're learning
00:02:36.259 --> 00:02:39.120
that was just amazing uh and then teaching was
00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:43.060
great I love teaching and then I had a baby and
00:02:43.060 --> 00:02:45.979
as you do when you're a new parent or pregnant
00:02:45.979 --> 00:02:49.990
you learn about the best way to bring up a child
00:02:49.990 --> 00:02:51.389
and you do loads of research and I'm a bit of
00:02:51.389 --> 00:02:55.229
a an obsessive researcher so I like to know my
00:02:55.229 --> 00:02:56.889
stuff and I like to find out lots of different
00:02:56.889 --> 00:02:59.530
viewpoints and choose what's right for me uh
00:02:59.530 --> 00:03:03.889
and what's right for me as a parent was so not
00:03:03.889 --> 00:03:05.310
right for me as well how I was taught to be a
00:03:05.310 --> 00:03:07.770
teacher for lots of different reasons and going
00:03:07.770 --> 00:03:09.930
back to teaching after having a child was just
00:03:09.930 --> 00:03:12.889
it was very very difficult because the things
00:03:12.889 --> 00:03:16.939
I was expected to do were felt very wrong to
00:03:16.939 --> 00:03:19.659
me all of a sudden they felt like they were not
00:03:19.659 --> 00:03:23.819
helping those children and their mental health
00:03:23.819 --> 00:03:27.580
and their self -esteem and their sense of safety
00:03:27.580 --> 00:03:29.020
in that classroom and that's what's got to come
00:03:29.020 --> 00:03:32.159
first before they can learn anything so can it
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:35.439
was when can I just pause you there and I know
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:37.599
that we don't want to the government to come
00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:39.699
and make you disappear and you know be shoved
00:03:39.699 --> 00:03:45.469
in a basement but I do For legal reasons, obviously,
00:03:45.530 --> 00:03:48.830
we don't want to be sued. But we also, let's
00:03:48.830 --> 00:03:53.110
touch upon what that actually looks like. So
00:03:53.110 --> 00:03:56.110
for me as a parent who has never been a teacher,
00:03:56.150 --> 00:03:59.430
one of the things that is a big frustration of
00:03:59.430 --> 00:04:02.129
mine is the pressure that children feel within
00:04:02.129 --> 00:04:05.289
the school environment to hit certain grades.
00:04:06.899 --> 00:04:10.860
And for the sake of a school being deemed a great
00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:12.819
school or not such a great school based upon
00:04:12.819 --> 00:04:15.900
children's grades. Right. And so as a parent,
00:04:16.060 --> 00:04:18.459
I can say that as a teacher. So you've had that
00:04:18.459 --> 00:04:21.160
teaching experience and now you're a parent and
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:22.879
you've been a parent and a teacher at the same
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:27.620
time. Is it those things that were alarming for
00:04:27.620 --> 00:04:30.600
you or were it other things that we as parents
00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:35.250
probably aren't aware of or maybe aware of? I
00:04:35.250 --> 00:04:37.310
think there's a lot of stuff that's just accepted
00:04:37.310 --> 00:04:41.129
in the education system as how it's always been
00:04:41.129 --> 00:04:43.850
done. So that's how it always will be done. And
00:04:43.850 --> 00:04:46.069
I think when you actually strip it back and you
00:04:46.069 --> 00:04:50.410
think that no one would do that to a grandmother
00:04:50.410 --> 00:04:54.430
or no one would do that to another adult. So
00:04:54.430 --> 00:04:56.990
why are we doing it to children? And you're right.
00:04:57.069 --> 00:04:59.910
It's so there's so much pressure. There's so
00:04:59.910 --> 00:05:02.379
much pressure. And it comes from. I mean, it
00:05:02.379 --> 00:05:03.660
comes from right at the top of the government
00:05:03.660 --> 00:05:05.399
and which goes down to the local authorities,
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:07.600
which then goes down to the head teachers and
00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:09.800
to the teachers. And then the children get it
00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:14.680
ultimately, because there is that pressure for
00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:16.839
children to get a certain grade. And if they
00:05:16.839 --> 00:05:19.360
don't get that grade, you as a teacher have failed.
00:05:19.699 --> 00:05:22.279
The child has failed and they're getting that
00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:25.970
message every single day. It's not just. when
00:05:25.970 --> 00:05:29.529
they have an exam or they have like a test it's
00:05:29.529 --> 00:05:33.569
every day so we used to give them success criteria
00:05:33.569 --> 00:05:37.129
for every lesson so you would give them the this
00:05:37.129 --> 00:05:39.810
is what you're learning today and these are the
00:05:39.810 --> 00:05:43.230
three like they're they're like how to know if
00:05:43.230 --> 00:05:45.910
you have succeeded today and they were set out
00:05:45.910 --> 00:05:47.790
as a must should and a could and this is done
00:05:47.790 --> 00:05:51.449
differently in all schools um so we would say
00:05:51.449 --> 00:05:53.490
to them today by the end of this lesson you must
00:05:53.490 --> 00:05:57.100
be able to do this thing You must. You should
00:05:57.100 --> 00:05:59.839
be able to do this thing in the middle. And if
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:01.560
you're if you're really clever and you're feeling
00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:03.660
really like you're getting this, you could be
00:06:03.660 --> 00:06:05.120
able to do this. This is the one to reach for.
00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:08.480
And then but there's those kids that will never
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.540
reach that must. And that's the must. And if
00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:13.139
they don't get that and then they don't get that
00:06:13.139 --> 00:06:15.160
today, they don't get it on Monday. They don't
00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:16.639
get it Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. They've got
00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:19.300
that message five times potentially. But then
00:06:19.300 --> 00:06:22.089
there's probably four. five lessons in that day
00:06:22.089 --> 00:06:23.730
so there's potential for them to get that message
00:06:23.730 --> 00:06:26.649
five times in that day and that's just such a
00:06:26.649 --> 00:06:30.870
small little part of how their day is run so
00:06:30.870 --> 00:06:32.990
it's like when you when you really break it down
00:06:32.990 --> 00:06:35.649
you think oh wow they are constantly getting
00:06:35.649 --> 00:06:38.750
the message they're not good enough that's really
00:06:38.750 --> 00:06:45.230
hard for a kid to it's not okay it's it's not
00:06:45.230 --> 00:06:48.910
okay And in no other environment would that be
00:06:48.910 --> 00:06:52.490
okay. And yet this is our small humans. This
00:06:52.490 --> 00:06:54.829
is from a very young age. They want them to start
00:06:54.829 --> 00:06:57.610
school at a very, very young age. Some of them
00:06:57.610 --> 00:07:00.050
are not ready and some of them are ready because,
00:07:00.089 --> 00:07:02.470
you know, children are different, the same as
00:07:02.470 --> 00:07:07.930
adults. And we cannot blanket teach children.
00:07:08.149 --> 00:07:11.069
I have six children all by the same parents.
00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:13.920
Or with a similar upbringing, of course, over
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.660
the span of 21 years, my parenting has definitely
00:07:16.660 --> 00:07:19.620
changed. Of course it has. But, you know, they're
00:07:19.620 --> 00:07:21.639
all brought up by the same parents and they're
00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:24.000
all completely different. And they all did very
00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:26.500
differently at school. And now I've been homeschooling
00:07:26.500 --> 00:07:29.220
for seven years. My homeschooling approach with
00:07:29.220 --> 00:07:31.519
them, the ones that are still homeschooled, is
00:07:31.519 --> 00:07:33.709
different. Because, you know, they're different
00:07:33.709 --> 00:07:36.610
children and they learn differently and they
00:07:36.610 --> 00:07:38.970
experience differently and they have different
00:07:38.970 --> 00:07:40.670
challenges and they have different strengths
00:07:40.670 --> 00:07:43.509
and they are different humans. They learn in
00:07:43.509 --> 00:07:47.100
very different ways. I laugh because my eight
00:07:47.100 --> 00:07:50.439
-year -old, I would consistently have been in
00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:51.939
the school if he went to a school environment.
00:07:52.259 --> 00:07:54.579
He cannot sit still. He swings on his chair.
00:07:54.839 --> 00:07:58.959
He would poke people with his pens. I just know.
00:07:59.100 --> 00:08:01.660
And I'm like, thank goodness he is not in a school
00:08:01.660 --> 00:08:03.439
environment because the school would send me
00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:06.139
nuts. But he gets the job done. He is a very
00:08:06.139 --> 00:08:08.759
academic. He loves to learn. But there are certain
00:08:08.759 --> 00:08:11.620
things that he really struggles with. Like everybody,
00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:13.300
right? We have our strengths and we have our
00:08:13.300 --> 00:08:15.889
weaknesses and that's just whatever. it is and
00:08:15.889 --> 00:08:18.649
so to kind of put this blanket very victorian
00:08:18.649 --> 00:08:23.310
approach on schooling in 2025 absolutely blows
00:08:23.310 --> 00:08:27.629
my mind so as a parent mentor you must be seeing
00:08:27.629 --> 00:08:30.689
parents are tearing their hair out so they might
00:08:30.689 --> 00:08:33.429
not have they might not have the desire to homeschool
00:08:33.429 --> 00:08:36.350
or they might not have the ability to homeschool
00:08:36.350 --> 00:08:39.019
because it's expensive i mean to have your children
00:08:39.019 --> 00:08:41.259
at home all the time is expensive right it's
00:08:41.259 --> 00:08:44.360
not cheap you can make it affordable but you
00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:46.200
know they are you know when they're at school
00:08:46.200 --> 00:08:48.460
it's definitely more affordable than having them
00:08:48.460 --> 00:08:51.320
at home all the time even from a um you know
00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:53.860
managing your own work flow and all of those
00:08:53.860 --> 00:08:55.860
things as we've just talked about before we press
00:08:55.860 --> 00:08:58.860
record so it is more expensive and not everybody
00:08:58.860 --> 00:09:01.379
has that choice or the ability or the desire
00:09:01.379 --> 00:09:04.850
to homeschool So you must see this array of parents
00:09:04.850 --> 00:09:07.090
from homeschoolers to people that have got their
00:09:07.090 --> 00:09:11.129
children in school that are frustrated and they
00:09:11.129 --> 00:09:13.929
are frustrated. And then that kind of frustrated
00:09:13.929 --> 00:09:16.909
energy in a household is no good for anybody
00:09:16.909 --> 00:09:19.649
because having a frustrated child is one thing.
00:09:19.750 --> 00:09:23.590
Then you put in a frustrated parent and then
00:09:23.590 --> 00:09:28.809
you put in a school. Hello. Yeah. You know, it's
00:09:28.809 --> 00:09:31.029
only a matter of time before somebody is going
00:09:31.029 --> 00:09:33.870
to lose their mind. Well, yeah, because also
00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:36.549
if you're in that situation, the school is likely
00:09:36.549 --> 00:09:39.629
to be telling the parent, you know, this is what
00:09:39.629 --> 00:09:40.870
they need to work on. This is what they need
00:09:40.870 --> 00:09:43.389
to focus on. So then you as a parent automatically
00:09:43.389 --> 00:09:45.889
feel like you failed them. And then you're trying
00:09:45.889 --> 00:09:47.590
to learn at home with them and you're trying
00:09:47.590 --> 00:09:50.370
to force more of that onto them because that's
00:09:50.370 --> 00:09:52.230
just naturally what you think you should do.
00:09:52.870 --> 00:09:54.690
And then they don't they're going to fight back
00:09:54.690 --> 00:09:56.269
against that because they don't necessarily want
00:09:56.269 --> 00:09:58.230
to do that. And then you're going to feel it's
00:09:58.230 --> 00:10:01.980
just not. Yeah. It's not a great situation. Success,
00:10:02.220 --> 00:10:05.539
right? It's like, does this make sense? I actually
00:10:05.539 --> 00:10:09.960
remember thinking that I was going to have to
00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.149
be sectioned. Like at one point I was like, I,
00:10:13.370 --> 00:10:17.169
somebody is going to push me one step too far.
00:10:17.350 --> 00:10:19.909
I'm going to get one phone call more from the
00:10:19.909 --> 00:10:22.289
school and somebody is going to have to put me
00:10:22.289 --> 00:10:27.049
in some sort of psychiatric unit because I am
00:10:27.049 --> 00:10:29.590
losing my mind. The school would ring me three,
00:10:29.769 --> 00:10:33.330
four. five times a day because my son wouldn't
00:10:33.330 --> 00:10:35.929
come in from the playground or he was under the
00:10:35.929 --> 00:10:38.970
table or he wouldn't line up in the line. Or,
00:10:39.009 --> 00:10:41.350
I mean, this is my eldest son who's now 21. Thank
00:10:41.350 --> 00:10:43.590
God. Cause I mean, his schooling was just horrific
00:10:43.590 --> 00:10:47.149
for the bare of us. But I mean, it sent me nuts.
00:10:47.210 --> 00:10:49.950
And actually I ended up with like chronic PTSD
00:10:49.950 --> 00:10:53.490
about the phone ringing. Like genuinely, like
00:10:53.490 --> 00:10:56.990
it gave me all levels of anxiety. And I remember.
00:10:57.899 --> 00:11:01.720
banging my head against a brick wall and no professional
00:11:02.409 --> 00:11:05.669
would hear me out. And no, they don't want to
00:11:05.669 --> 00:11:08.169
take me seriously. They made me feel like I was
00:11:08.169 --> 00:11:11.070
a bad parent. I did the parenting course. I did
00:11:11.070 --> 00:11:13.950
all of the things. I asked all of the questions.
00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:17.529
I was very receptive, as I'm sure you can imagine.
00:11:17.909 --> 00:11:20.769
I was like, hello, can somebody support me? And
00:11:20.769 --> 00:11:22.929
all that happened is, you know, this is what's
00:11:22.929 --> 00:11:24.929
going wrong. This is what we're doing terribly.
00:11:25.289 --> 00:11:29.350
You know, your child is wearing shorts and he
00:11:29.350 --> 00:11:31.309
should be wearing trousers. I'm like, well, just
00:11:31.309 --> 00:11:35.190
be great. he's at school um you know all of those
00:11:35.190 --> 00:11:41.210
things and i am so passionate about giving parents
00:11:41.210 --> 00:11:44.490
a voice because we are the people that are holding
00:11:44.490 --> 00:11:46.970
this stuff together like we're the people that
00:11:46.970 --> 00:11:50.669
are doing all of the above and so you must be
00:11:50.669 --> 00:11:53.210
seeing to parents seeing parents are like abby
00:11:53.210 --> 00:11:56.509
i cannot even i don't even know where to begin
00:11:56.509 --> 00:11:59.549
what am i doing because somebody's gonna get
00:11:59.549 --> 00:12:04.559
it from me I think, yeah, there's like, there's
00:12:04.559 --> 00:12:08.220
two, two things there. Like the, and the reason
00:12:08.220 --> 00:12:09.700
you probably didn't get the support that you
00:12:09.700 --> 00:12:12.000
needed is because one teachers do not have the
00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:14.240
training. They're just in my teacher training.
00:12:14.679 --> 00:12:18.179
I got one day on additional needs and one day
00:12:18.179 --> 00:12:21.220
is not enough, really not enough. So teachers
00:12:21.220 --> 00:12:23.000
feel like they are floundering as well. And I,
00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:25.179
I'm very keen to make sure whenever I talk about
00:12:25.179 --> 00:12:27.740
this sort of stuff, it's not, there are, there
00:12:27.740 --> 00:12:30.750
are teachers out there who. are you know maybe
00:12:30.750 --> 00:12:33.190
not meant for the profession but they're I don't
00:12:33.190 --> 00:12:35.590
know of any teacher that I've come across that
00:12:35.590 --> 00:12:37.950
didn't go into it for the right reasons so I
00:12:37.950 --> 00:12:40.409
think one it's not there's just not enough training
00:12:40.409 --> 00:12:43.389
there's just not um and then that makes the teachers
00:12:43.389 --> 00:12:45.009
feel like they're failing and then that it all
00:12:45.009 --> 00:12:49.210
just becomes like a negativity spiral and you're
00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:51.669
absolutely right though that parents need their
00:12:51.669 --> 00:12:54.750
voice and that is in it's in the same code of
00:12:54.750 --> 00:12:58.580
conduct conduct that Parents should be involved
00:12:58.580 --> 00:13:00.279
in every single conversation that is happening
00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:03.600
about their children. But what happens is in
00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:06.000
my experience with from talking to families now
00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:09.519
is that they're not being involved. They're not
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:11.940
even have they find out that this thing has happened.
00:13:12.419 --> 00:13:14.639
This document's been put in place to help this
00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:17.519
child. But the parent hasn't been consulted at
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:20.539
all. And that's it's not it's against statutory
00:13:20.539 --> 00:13:24.889
regulation. And it's just so wrong because. But
00:13:24.889 --> 00:13:29.070
parents are the expert in their child. No parent
00:13:29.070 --> 00:13:31.750
is sitting at home going, oh, they're having
00:13:31.750 --> 00:13:33.269
trouble with this. I'm just going to let the
00:13:33.269 --> 00:13:35.370
school get on with that. No, they're sitting
00:13:35.370 --> 00:13:36.870
at home and they're Googling into the middle
00:13:36.870 --> 00:13:38.570
of the night because they're so concerned and
00:13:38.570 --> 00:13:41.230
they want to help their child. No, that is the
00:13:41.230 --> 00:13:44.750
reality. So when professionals don't take that
00:13:44.750 --> 00:13:48.649
on board and they kind of think it's a bit of
00:13:48.649 --> 00:13:52.330
ableism in there that, oh, your child isn't.
00:13:53.220 --> 00:13:55.860
conforming so that must be your fault as a parent
00:13:55.860 --> 00:13:58.139
and that's not it's just not the case at all
00:13:58.139 --> 00:14:01.159
um it's that the system like you say set up to
00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:04.360
to do one thing and sort out sort out but you
00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:07.019
know be there for one type of child and when
00:14:07.019 --> 00:14:09.840
that is not meeting those children's needs they
00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.139
can't cope with it they're meant they're they
00:14:12.139 --> 00:14:16.100
they physically cannot do it so that that means
00:14:16.100 --> 00:14:18.539
that their behavior starts doing things like
00:14:18.539 --> 00:14:20.220
hiding under the table because it's overwhelming
00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.419
and there's so many reasons why that could be
00:14:22.419 --> 00:14:25.460
instead of trying to work out that reason underneath
00:14:25.460 --> 00:14:28.519
it's more of a you must conform to this behavior
00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.019
thing i'm supposed to make you do as a teacher
00:14:31.019 --> 00:14:33.539
because otherwise someone's going to come and
00:14:33.539 --> 00:14:35.379
tell me that i'm doing a really bad lesson and
00:14:35.379 --> 00:14:38.019
then i'm not not going to get my pay rise next
00:14:38.019 --> 00:14:40.409
year Because that's what it's based on. It's
00:14:40.409 --> 00:14:43.970
really hard. Even things down to, you know, we'd
00:14:43.970 --> 00:14:45.870
go to all of these meetings, you'd have all of
00:14:45.870 --> 00:14:47.610
these conversations, you'd sit there for bloody
00:14:47.610 --> 00:14:50.529
hours. Half of the experts wouldn't show up because
00:14:50.529 --> 00:14:53.129
for whatever reason, they'd implement something
00:14:53.129 --> 00:14:55.009
and then they wouldn't follow through on the
00:14:55.009 --> 00:14:57.529
thing that they implemented. And that used to
00:14:57.529 --> 00:15:00.610
just drive me nuts because, you know, we've sat
00:15:00.610 --> 00:15:02.850
there for hours and hours having these conversations
00:15:02.850 --> 00:15:05.110
with half of the experts that should be there.
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:07.720
and put things in place that I never followed
00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:09.899
through with. And half of my headbutt with the
00:15:09.899 --> 00:15:12.700
school was, okay, so we spent six hours putting
00:15:12.700 --> 00:15:15.419
together this plan. And the plan isn't being
00:15:15.419 --> 00:15:19.139
adhered to. It's not being followed. Why is that
00:15:19.139 --> 00:15:23.440
not happening? And I feel sorry for the teachers
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.460
and I feel sorry for the schools because reality
00:15:25.460 --> 00:15:28.419
is most of the time it's not their fault. Their
00:15:28.419 --> 00:15:31.000
hands are tied. But it doesn't make it easier
00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:33.860
as a parent to cope with. It doesn't make it
00:15:33.860 --> 00:15:38.039
easier as a parent to deal with. And so you just
00:15:38.039 --> 00:15:39.720
end up going round and round in circles. People
00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:44.240
are becoming more frustrated. You know, that's
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:47.240
where that's where the real, real problems lie.
00:15:47.379 --> 00:15:49.840
And people are banging, you know, getting really,
00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:53.340
really quite annoyed. So when a parent comes
00:15:53.340 --> 00:15:56.460
to you, Abby, and it's like, OK, this is my challenge.
00:15:56.659 --> 00:15:58.820
This is what I feel frustrated about, whether
00:15:58.820 --> 00:16:01.379
it's a neurotypical or a neurodivergent child.
00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:05.659
You know, what is the process? What does that
00:16:05.659 --> 00:16:09.440
look like to work with you? So we would start
00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:14.070
and I would probably I. I often would like it
00:16:14.070 --> 00:16:17.669
to suit the parent as well and whatever way they
00:16:17.669 --> 00:16:21.269
would feel comfortable opening up. Sometimes
00:16:21.269 --> 00:16:24.730
face to face in person or on Zoom isn't the way
00:16:24.730 --> 00:16:28.789
for that. So I would often suggest that we start
00:16:28.789 --> 00:16:31.870
with a Zoom call and we just talk about their
00:16:31.870 --> 00:16:34.730
child and let it all out. And I'm very keen to
00:16:34.730 --> 00:16:37.149
make sure that parents never feel that I'm judging
00:16:37.149 --> 00:16:39.940
them. So I'm very much like. I've got all this
00:16:39.940 --> 00:16:42.659
training, but I'm not perfect as a parent at
00:16:42.659 --> 00:16:47.200
all. We are all quite in the thick of it. Listen,
00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:52.980
I have never met one, ever. So we would talk
00:16:52.980 --> 00:16:55.700
about all of the things, anything that they are
00:16:55.700 --> 00:17:01.220
happy to share with me. I'm also very clear that
00:17:01.220 --> 00:17:04.559
that's obviously confidential, but I also have
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.759
a safeguarding hat on a lot of the time and say
00:17:06.759 --> 00:17:09.660
that... I have to make sure that safeguarding
00:17:09.660 --> 00:17:13.819
is for everybody to look after. And then often
00:17:13.819 --> 00:17:17.619
we would just voice note and just do it quite
00:17:17.619 --> 00:17:20.240
relaxed. I want them to feel relaxed and safe
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:22.980
because they're probably not. If they've come
00:17:22.980 --> 00:17:24.839
to me, they're probably not feeling safe with
00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:27.279
their parenting. They've probably got so many
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:30.359
sort of hang -ups that they are carrying along
00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:34.920
with them. Sometimes a voice note. They can listen
00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:38.920
to what I say. It can, it can go in like you,
00:17:38.980 --> 00:17:41.279
I think sometimes for me personally, it takes
00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:45.779
me a while to process information and sort of
00:17:45.779 --> 00:17:47.740
really work out how I feel about it. So I think
00:17:47.740 --> 00:17:49.660
that's really useful for parents to have the
00:17:49.660 --> 00:17:53.079
time to listen to what I've said, because I am,
00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:59.259
while I'm very nonjudgmental and I haven't had
00:17:59.259 --> 00:18:03.380
any trauma informed training, I feel that I am.
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:09.640
often being very careful not to yeah yeah and
00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:12.099
make sure that they know that they're like they've
00:18:12.099 --> 00:18:14.039
not done anything wrong they're just in this
00:18:14.039 --> 00:18:15.579
in the world that they're in and unfortunately
00:18:15.579 --> 00:18:20.220
that's not necessarily set up for women um so
00:18:20.220 --> 00:18:22.079
it gives them a bit of time and we'll just chat
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:23.960
back and forward for a certain amount of time
00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:27.500
however long we've set for and come up with a
00:18:27.500 --> 00:18:31.529
plan and often that plan Usually we talk to start
00:18:31.529 --> 00:18:34.990
off with it would be a plan of how they can help
00:18:34.990 --> 00:18:37.210
their child learn at home in a way that suits
00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:42.230
their individual child. And so we'll put that
00:18:42.230 --> 00:18:45.089
in place. But usually along the way, it becomes
00:18:45.089 --> 00:18:49.410
a. OK, so why are we feeling like this? And it's
00:18:49.410 --> 00:18:52.309
more about it. So it's interesting because someone
00:18:52.309 --> 00:18:54.690
told me once that I need to either focus on parenting
00:18:54.690 --> 00:18:57.970
or learning at home. And I couldn't. I couldn't
00:18:57.970 --> 00:19:00.390
separate them because I think they are so important.
00:19:00.589 --> 00:19:06.029
They're so linked. Well, they are. Parenting
00:19:06.029 --> 00:19:09.269
is, a lot of the time, it's education. You know,
00:19:09.309 --> 00:19:12.569
if I look at, you know, my eldest is 21 and my
00:19:12.569 --> 00:19:16.170
youngest is three. Most parenting experiences
00:19:16.170 --> 00:19:20.369
in my, I've got nearly 80 years combined worth
00:19:20.369 --> 00:19:22.950
of parenting experience. So listen, I've got
00:19:22.950 --> 00:19:25.569
this wrong a ton of times. But actually, it's
00:19:25.569 --> 00:19:31.099
a... All of those challenges and lessons are
00:19:31.099 --> 00:19:34.940
an opportunity for learning for the two of you
00:19:34.940 --> 00:19:38.619
or the three of you as parents. So it's like,
00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:41.559
you know, it's an opportunity to learn more about
00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:43.640
yourself and learn more about your child and
00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:46.640
learn more about them as an individual and an
00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:50.259
individualized approach to parenting said child
00:19:50.259 --> 00:19:53.380
and listen. I'm just going to give you a disclaimer.
00:19:53.579 --> 00:19:57.079
It doesn't stop when they're 21. In fact, I would
00:19:57.079 --> 00:19:59.900
say my 21 year old is more complex than my three
00:19:59.900 --> 00:20:02.559
year old. So don't think you're ever having a
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:04.220
rest, by the way. I just want to give you that
00:20:04.220 --> 00:20:07.779
little nugget right there. So it is it's an opportunity
00:20:07.779 --> 00:20:10.539
to learn and learn about them and learn about
00:20:10.539 --> 00:20:13.819
us as individuals. And actually, I'll be. listen
00:20:13.819 --> 00:20:17.839
over the last 21 years of being a parent I've
00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:19.579
learned more about myself than I have learned
00:20:19.579 --> 00:20:22.460
about children that's for damn sure and so it's
00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:25.859
looking at how am I reacting and responding to
00:20:25.859 --> 00:20:28.880
this situation because let me tell you yeah like
00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:32.039
for real I mean it's those things it's the it's
00:20:32.039 --> 00:20:34.200
a okay this is a challenge how am I going to
00:20:34.200 --> 00:20:36.160
react and respond to a situation now I can tell
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:39.059
you when my children were at school my my eldest
00:20:39.059 --> 00:20:42.549
was the one that really struggled um I was reacting
00:20:42.549 --> 00:20:45.690
all the time. Like I was in reaction mode because
00:20:45.690 --> 00:20:48.950
I was so pushed. I was trying to hold down a
00:20:48.950 --> 00:20:51.190
career. I was trying to be a mom. I was trying
00:20:51.190 --> 00:20:53.450
to deal with, you know, having three young children.
00:20:53.549 --> 00:20:56.609
Then you added neurodivergence. It's a lot of
00:20:56.609 --> 00:20:58.910
things, right? And when the school is ringing
00:20:58.910 --> 00:21:01.829
you two, three, four times a day, I'm on high
00:21:01.829 --> 00:21:06.839
alert. Like if I look at my physical being. Eight
00:21:06.839 --> 00:21:10.880
years ago, 10 years ago, I was wired. Like somebody
00:21:10.880 --> 00:21:14.880
had put me in a high stress environment. And
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:17.220
now what? My parenting is so much different to
00:21:17.220 --> 00:21:19.759
the point where my elders were like, mum, like
00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:23.559
you're just like such a laid back, chilled parent.
00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:26.180
Whereas my kids before, they were immaculate
00:21:26.180 --> 00:21:28.400
and they, you know, I felt like I got something
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.779
to prove to the world, Abby. when they were young.
00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:33.680
Now I'm like, do you know what? If you want to
00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:36.000
wear socks with stripes and dots and they're
00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:38.259
mismatched and you don't really want to brush
00:21:38.259 --> 00:21:39.960
your hair, do you know what? I actually don't
00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:43.619
really care that much. And it was about taking
00:21:43.619 --> 00:21:47.240
the pressure off myself, which in turn took the
00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:49.960
pressure off them. which enabled them to breathe.
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:52.920
And I think what happens is you get so wound
00:21:52.920 --> 00:21:56.259
up. Everybody becomes hyper wound up. Everybody's
00:21:56.259 --> 00:21:59.180
then stressed about appearing to be, you know,
00:21:59.180 --> 00:22:01.960
having all your stuff together when reality is
00:22:01.960 --> 00:22:04.900
nobody knows what you do. Listen, we can read
00:22:04.900 --> 00:22:06.180
all the books, you can do all the things, but
00:22:06.180 --> 00:22:08.339
unless you're a parent, you're experiencing parenting
00:22:08.339 --> 00:22:12.460
right now, in this moment, you don't really know
00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:16.039
how to react and respond to this. And let's just
00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:17.819
acknowledge the fact that parents are coming
00:22:17.819 --> 00:22:20.220
in to parenting with their own conditioning.
00:22:22.890 --> 00:22:25.210
of being parented they've got their own or not
00:22:25.210 --> 00:22:28.230
right in my case I didn't really have parents
00:22:28.230 --> 00:22:30.849
well I did but they weren't great so it's like
00:22:30.849 --> 00:22:33.789
okay now what do I do so I'm going home at 18
00:22:33.789 --> 00:22:36.309
with a brand new baby what do I do with this
00:22:36.309 --> 00:22:39.309
like what am I supposed to do and what happens
00:22:39.309 --> 00:22:42.730
when and nobody tells you that stuff and so to
00:22:42.730 --> 00:22:45.299
have somebody like you that's like listen this
00:22:45.299 --> 00:22:46.799
is this is what we're going to do we're going
00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:48.319
to have a conversation and we're going to talk
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:50.279
openly and honestly and there is no judgment
00:22:50.279 --> 00:22:53.039
yes of course safeguarding is important but there
00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:55.220
is no judgment here let's have a real conversation
00:22:55.220 --> 00:22:57.539
about what's happening for you how are you thinking
00:22:57.539 --> 00:23:00.539
and feeling what's your desired end result and
00:23:00.539 --> 00:23:03.579
how can we get from a to b because i knew that
00:23:03.579 --> 00:23:06.039
i wanted to be miss honey versus miss trunchbull
00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:07.980
but there were definitely points where i was
00:23:07.980 --> 00:23:12.759
definitely miss trunchbull for sure yeah I live
00:23:12.759 --> 00:23:15.640
in 98 % of the time in Miss Honey mode. You know,
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:16.900
if you want to roller skate around the house,
00:23:16.980 --> 00:23:18.779
we're good. Like I'm not too stressed about it,
00:23:18.859 --> 00:23:21.539
but I also, my children know that there's a line
00:23:21.539 --> 00:23:24.140
and we're not crossing it. Otherwise we will
00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:26.779
have to bring out Miss Trunchbull. So it's, it's
00:23:26.779 --> 00:23:29.079
having somebody like you to be able to have those
00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:32.259
conversations with and be open and honest about
00:23:32.259 --> 00:23:36.380
the highs, the lows and the in -betweens. So
00:23:36.380 --> 00:23:39.259
where can people find you and how can they work
00:23:39.259 --> 00:23:43.950
with you? so i am my website is sparkguidegrow
00:23:43.950 --> 00:23:47.769
.com uh i'm i am abby spark in most of the social
00:23:47.769 --> 00:23:51.690
media places and um yeah you can find me there
00:23:51.690 --> 00:23:54.809
and just on my website there's more information
00:23:54.809 --> 00:23:56.569
about the different ways that you can work with
00:23:56.569 --> 00:24:00.519
me and yeah Abby it's been a pleasure thank you
00:24:00.519 --> 00:24:02.140
so much for joining me thank you so much for
00:24:02.140 --> 00:24:04.839
having me you are a delight honestly and I'm
00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:07.119
so proud of you for having these continued conversations
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:10.700
it's super important and parents really do need
00:24:10.700 --> 00:24:12.759
their support because it's lonely out there and
00:24:12.759 --> 00:24:15.559
we're all so confused as to what ways right or
00:24:15.559 --> 00:24:17.779
wrong and everybody has an opinion about everything
00:24:17.779 --> 00:24:21.319
and we we just we're lost as parents we we don't
00:24:21.319 --> 00:24:24.019
know what we're doing so to have that that space
00:24:24.019 --> 00:24:27.140
is amazing thank you so much thank you
00:00:02.070 --> 00:00:05.330
Welcome to today's episode of the Parents Support
00:00:05.330 --> 00:00:07.849
Hub podcast with me, your host, Leona Burton.
00:00:08.109 --> 00:00:11.769
I am joined by the gorgeous, the fantastic, the
00:00:11.769 --> 00:00:15.810
very special, Abby Clark is in the building.
00:00:16.210 --> 00:00:20.789
Hello, Abby. Hello. Oh my gosh, you sounded a
00:00:20.789 --> 00:00:22.469
little bit like Miss Rachel then. I was here
00:00:22.469 --> 00:00:26.670
for it. Yes. Well, you know, a teaching degree
00:00:26.670 --> 00:00:30.309
will do things to you. Listen, listen, parenting
00:00:30.309 --> 00:00:34.609
alone will do things to you. Never mind. Abby,
00:00:34.810 --> 00:00:38.049
let's go back to the beginning of all time. No,
00:00:38.109 --> 00:00:40.109
we're not going quite that far back. We are going
00:00:40.109 --> 00:00:43.549
to go back to the beginning of your journey as
00:00:43.549 --> 00:00:48.189
a teacher, as an educator, as a parenting. Well,
00:00:48.350 --> 00:00:51.490
I was going to call you a parenting expert. What's
00:00:51.490 --> 00:00:55.920
your official title, Abby? Parent mentor. we're
00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:59.259
going with that at the moment yeah mental yeah
00:00:59.259 --> 00:01:01.560
so we're going back to the beginning of that
00:01:01.560 --> 00:01:04.700
journey where did this all begin where did the
00:01:04.700 --> 00:01:10.260
love of teaching and education come from so I
00:01:10.260 --> 00:01:13.200
my dad has basically my whole life said to me
00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:15.180
you need to be a teacher and I was always very
00:01:15.180 --> 00:01:18.019
much that sort of no I'm not going to push that
00:01:18.019 --> 00:01:20.200
away and I'm going to rebel against that um so
00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:23.060
I did a drama degree and doing that made me hate
00:01:23.060 --> 00:01:28.640
drama um that will happen yes yes yeah um so
00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:31.980
I very naively thought I know I want a family
00:01:31.980 --> 00:01:34.099
I'm gonna go into teaching because of all the
00:01:34.099 --> 00:01:37.280
wonderful uh holidays you get and it's it's child
00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:40.140
friendly you know it's nine till three you get
00:01:40.140 --> 00:01:45.900
to do and yeah then uh that came down like then
00:01:45.900 --> 00:01:47.760
I realized I was like that's that's not how it
00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:50.879
is but I am very much I've always done this thing
00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:54.079
where If I see the reality of something and the
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:56.040
reality looks like it's hard, I'm like, well,
00:01:56.140 --> 00:01:58.159
that's fine. I can do that anyway. And I'm going
00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:02.159
to make it work for me in my way. So when I was
00:02:02.159 --> 00:02:05.599
teacher training, we were told that there was
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:07.640
a ridiculously high amount of teachers that end
00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:10.340
up leaving in the first five years. And I remember
00:02:10.340 --> 00:02:11.759
going, that's not going to be me because I can
00:02:11.759 --> 00:02:17.980
do it anyway. I can do it. It's like a... unbelievable
00:02:17.980 --> 00:02:20.439
sort of just faith in myself I guess at some
00:02:20.439 --> 00:02:25.659
point so that I do have um and I remember my
00:02:25.659 --> 00:02:28.000
teacher training absolutely loving learning about
00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:30.919
how children learn and I found that really fascinating
00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:34.800
and the way that our brains actually physically
00:02:34.800 --> 00:02:36.259
work and what's happening when we're learning
00:02:36.259 --> 00:02:39.120
that was just amazing uh and then teaching was
00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:43.060
great I love teaching and then I had a baby and
00:02:43.060 --> 00:02:45.979
as you do when you're a new parent or pregnant
00:02:45.979 --> 00:02:49.990
you learn about the best way to bring up a child
00:02:49.990 --> 00:02:51.389
and you do loads of research and I'm a bit of
00:02:51.389 --> 00:02:55.229
a an obsessive researcher so I like to know my
00:02:55.229 --> 00:02:56.889
stuff and I like to find out lots of different
00:02:56.889 --> 00:02:59.530
viewpoints and choose what's right for me uh
00:02:59.530 --> 00:03:03.889
and what's right for me as a parent was so not
00:03:03.889 --> 00:03:05.310
right for me as well how I was taught to be a
00:03:05.310 --> 00:03:07.770
teacher for lots of different reasons and going
00:03:07.770 --> 00:03:09.930
back to teaching after having a child was just
00:03:09.930 --> 00:03:12.889
it was very very difficult because the things
00:03:12.889 --> 00:03:16.939
I was expected to do were felt very wrong to
00:03:16.939 --> 00:03:19.659
me all of a sudden they felt like they were not
00:03:19.659 --> 00:03:23.819
helping those children and their mental health
00:03:23.819 --> 00:03:27.580
and their self -esteem and their sense of safety
00:03:27.580 --> 00:03:29.020
in that classroom and that's what's got to come
00:03:29.020 --> 00:03:32.159
first before they can learn anything so can it
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:35.439
was when can I just pause you there and I know
00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:37.599
that we don't want to the government to come
00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:39.699
and make you disappear and you know be shoved
00:03:39.699 --> 00:03:45.469
in a basement but I do For legal reasons, obviously,
00:03:45.530 --> 00:03:48.830
we don't want to be sued. But we also, let's
00:03:48.830 --> 00:03:53.110
touch upon what that actually looks like. So
00:03:53.110 --> 00:03:56.110
for me as a parent who has never been a teacher,
00:03:56.150 --> 00:03:59.430
one of the things that is a big frustration of
00:03:59.430 --> 00:04:02.129
mine is the pressure that children feel within
00:04:02.129 --> 00:04:05.289
the school environment to hit certain grades.
00:04:06.899 --> 00:04:10.860
And for the sake of a school being deemed a great
00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:12.819
school or not such a great school based upon
00:04:12.819 --> 00:04:15.900
children's grades. Right. And so as a parent,
00:04:16.060 --> 00:04:18.459
I can say that as a teacher. So you've had that
00:04:18.459 --> 00:04:21.160
teaching experience and now you're a parent and
00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:22.879
you've been a parent and a teacher at the same
00:04:22.879 --> 00:04:27.620
time. Is it those things that were alarming for
00:04:27.620 --> 00:04:30.600
you or were it other things that we as parents
00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:35.250
probably aren't aware of or maybe aware of? I
00:04:35.250 --> 00:04:37.310
think there's a lot of stuff that's just accepted
00:04:37.310 --> 00:04:41.129
in the education system as how it's always been
00:04:41.129 --> 00:04:43.850
done. So that's how it always will be done. And
00:04:43.850 --> 00:04:46.069
I think when you actually strip it back and you
00:04:46.069 --> 00:04:50.410
think that no one would do that to a grandmother
00:04:50.410 --> 00:04:54.430
or no one would do that to another adult. So
00:04:54.430 --> 00:04:56.990
why are we doing it to children? And you're right.
00:04:57.069 --> 00:04:59.910
It's so there's so much pressure. There's so
00:04:59.910 --> 00:05:02.379
much pressure. And it comes from. I mean, it
00:05:02.379 --> 00:05:03.660
comes from right at the top of the government
00:05:03.660 --> 00:05:05.399
and which goes down to the local authorities,
00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:07.600
which then goes down to the head teachers and
00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:09.800
to the teachers. And then the children get it
00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:14.680
ultimately, because there is that pressure for
00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:16.839
children to get a certain grade. And if they
00:05:16.839 --> 00:05:19.360
don't get that grade, you as a teacher have failed.
00:05:19.699 --> 00:05:22.279
The child has failed and they're getting that
00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:25.970
message every single day. It's not just. when
00:05:25.970 --> 00:05:29.529
they have an exam or they have like a test it's
00:05:29.529 --> 00:05:33.569
every day so we used to give them success criteria
00:05:33.569 --> 00:05:37.129
for every lesson so you would give them the this
00:05:37.129 --> 00:05:39.810
is what you're learning today and these are the
00:05:39.810 --> 00:05:43.230
three like they're they're like how to know if
00:05:43.230 --> 00:05:45.910
you have succeeded today and they were set out
00:05:45.910 --> 00:05:47.790
as a must should and a could and this is done
00:05:47.790 --> 00:05:51.449
differently in all schools um so we would say
00:05:51.449 --> 00:05:53.490
to them today by the end of this lesson you must
00:05:53.490 --> 00:05:57.100
be able to do this thing You must. You should
00:05:57.100 --> 00:05:59.839
be able to do this thing in the middle. And if
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:01.560
you're if you're really clever and you're feeling
00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:03.660
really like you're getting this, you could be
00:06:03.660 --> 00:06:05.120
able to do this. This is the one to reach for.
00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:08.480
And then but there's those kids that will never
00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.540
reach that must. And that's the must. And if
00:06:11.540 --> 00:06:13.139
they don't get that and then they don't get that
00:06:13.139 --> 00:06:15.160
today, they don't get it on Monday. They don't
00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:16.639
get it Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. They've got
00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:19.300
that message five times potentially. But then
00:06:19.300 --> 00:06:22.089
there's probably four. five lessons in that day
00:06:22.089 --> 00:06:23.730
so there's potential for them to get that message
00:06:23.730 --> 00:06:26.649
five times in that day and that's just such a
00:06:26.649 --> 00:06:30.870
small little part of how their day is run so
00:06:30.870 --> 00:06:32.990
it's like when you when you really break it down
00:06:32.990 --> 00:06:35.649
you think oh wow they are constantly getting
00:06:35.649 --> 00:06:38.750
the message they're not good enough that's really
00:06:38.750 --> 00:06:45.230
hard for a kid to it's not okay it's it's not
00:06:45.230 --> 00:06:48.910
okay And in no other environment would that be
00:06:48.910 --> 00:06:52.490
okay. And yet this is our small humans. This
00:06:52.490 --> 00:06:54.829
is from a very young age. They want them to start
00:06:54.829 --> 00:06:57.610
school at a very, very young age. Some of them
00:06:57.610 --> 00:07:00.050
are not ready and some of them are ready because,
00:07:00.089 --> 00:07:02.470
you know, children are different, the same as
00:07:02.470 --> 00:07:07.930
adults. And we cannot blanket teach children.
00:07:08.149 --> 00:07:11.069
I have six children all by the same parents.
00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:13.920
Or with a similar upbringing, of course, over
00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:16.660
the span of 21 years, my parenting has definitely
00:07:16.660 --> 00:07:19.620
changed. Of course it has. But, you know, they're
00:07:19.620 --> 00:07:21.639
all brought up by the same parents and they're
00:07:21.639 --> 00:07:24.000
all completely different. And they all did very
00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:26.500
differently at school. And now I've been homeschooling
00:07:26.500 --> 00:07:29.220
for seven years. My homeschooling approach with
00:07:29.220 --> 00:07:31.519
them, the ones that are still homeschooled, is
00:07:31.519 --> 00:07:33.709
different. Because, you know, they're different
00:07:33.709 --> 00:07:36.610
children and they learn differently and they
00:07:36.610 --> 00:07:38.970
experience differently and they have different
00:07:38.970 --> 00:07:40.670
challenges and they have different strengths
00:07:40.670 --> 00:07:43.509
and they are different humans. They learn in
00:07:43.509 --> 00:07:47.100
very different ways. I laugh because my eight
00:07:47.100 --> 00:07:50.439
-year -old, I would consistently have been in
00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:51.939
the school if he went to a school environment.
00:07:52.259 --> 00:07:54.579
He cannot sit still. He swings on his chair.
00:07:54.839 --> 00:07:58.959
He would poke people with his pens. I just know.
00:07:59.100 --> 00:08:01.660
And I'm like, thank goodness he is not in a school
00:08:01.660 --> 00:08:03.439
environment because the school would send me
00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:06.139
nuts. But he gets the job done. He is a very
00:08:06.139 --> 00:08:08.759
academic. He loves to learn. But there are certain
00:08:08.759 --> 00:08:11.620
things that he really struggles with. Like everybody,
00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:13.300
right? We have our strengths and we have our
00:08:13.300 --> 00:08:15.889
weaknesses and that's just whatever. it is and
00:08:15.889 --> 00:08:18.649
so to kind of put this blanket very victorian
00:08:18.649 --> 00:08:23.310
approach on schooling in 2025 absolutely blows
00:08:23.310 --> 00:08:27.629
my mind so as a parent mentor you must be seeing
00:08:27.629 --> 00:08:30.689
parents are tearing their hair out so they might
00:08:30.689 --> 00:08:33.429
not have they might not have the desire to homeschool
00:08:33.429 --> 00:08:36.350
or they might not have the ability to homeschool
00:08:36.350 --> 00:08:39.019
because it's expensive i mean to have your children
00:08:39.019 --> 00:08:41.259
at home all the time is expensive right it's
00:08:41.259 --> 00:08:44.360
not cheap you can make it affordable but you
00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:46.200
know they are you know when they're at school
00:08:46.200 --> 00:08:48.460
it's definitely more affordable than having them
00:08:48.460 --> 00:08:51.320
at home all the time even from a um you know
00:08:51.320 --> 00:08:53.860
managing your own work flow and all of those
00:08:53.860 --> 00:08:55.860
things as we've just talked about before we press
00:08:55.860 --> 00:08:58.860
record so it is more expensive and not everybody
00:08:58.860 --> 00:09:01.379
has that choice or the ability or the desire
00:09:01.379 --> 00:09:04.850
to homeschool So you must see this array of parents
00:09:04.850 --> 00:09:07.090
from homeschoolers to people that have got their
00:09:07.090 --> 00:09:11.129
children in school that are frustrated and they
00:09:11.129 --> 00:09:13.929
are frustrated. And then that kind of frustrated
00:09:13.929 --> 00:09:16.909
energy in a household is no good for anybody
00:09:16.909 --> 00:09:19.649
because having a frustrated child is one thing.
00:09:19.750 --> 00:09:23.590
Then you put in a frustrated parent and then
00:09:23.590 --> 00:09:28.809
you put in a school. Hello. Yeah. You know, it's
00:09:28.809 --> 00:09:31.029
only a matter of time before somebody is going
00:09:31.029 --> 00:09:33.870
to lose their mind. Well, yeah, because also
00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:36.549
if you're in that situation, the school is likely
00:09:36.549 --> 00:09:39.629
to be telling the parent, you know, this is what
00:09:39.629 --> 00:09:40.870
they need to work on. This is what they need
00:09:40.870 --> 00:09:43.389
to focus on. So then you as a parent automatically
00:09:43.389 --> 00:09:45.889
feel like you failed them. And then you're trying
00:09:45.889 --> 00:09:47.590
to learn at home with them and you're trying
00:09:47.590 --> 00:09:50.370
to force more of that onto them because that's
00:09:50.370 --> 00:09:52.230
just naturally what you think you should do.
00:09:52.870 --> 00:09:54.690
And then they don't they're going to fight back
00:09:54.690 --> 00:09:56.269
against that because they don't necessarily want
00:09:56.269 --> 00:09:58.230
to do that. And then you're going to feel it's
00:09:58.230 --> 00:10:01.980
just not. Yeah. It's not a great situation. Success,
00:10:02.220 --> 00:10:05.539
right? It's like, does this make sense? I actually
00:10:05.539 --> 00:10:09.960
remember thinking that I was going to have to
00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.149
be sectioned. Like at one point I was like, I,
00:10:13.370 --> 00:10:17.169
somebody is going to push me one step too far.
00:10:17.350 --> 00:10:19.909
I'm going to get one phone call more from the
00:10:19.909 --> 00:10:22.289
school and somebody is going to have to put me
00:10:22.289 --> 00:10:27.049
in some sort of psychiatric unit because I am
00:10:27.049 --> 00:10:29.590
losing my mind. The school would ring me three,
00:10:29.769 --> 00:10:33.330
four. five times a day because my son wouldn't
00:10:33.330 --> 00:10:35.929
come in from the playground or he was under the
00:10:35.929 --> 00:10:38.970
table or he wouldn't line up in the line. Or,
00:10:39.009 --> 00:10:41.350
I mean, this is my eldest son who's now 21. Thank
00:10:41.350 --> 00:10:43.590
God. Cause I mean, his schooling was just horrific
00:10:43.590 --> 00:10:47.149
for the bare of us. But I mean, it sent me nuts.
00:10:47.210 --> 00:10:49.950
And actually I ended up with like chronic PTSD
00:10:49.950 --> 00:10:53.490
about the phone ringing. Like genuinely, like
00:10:53.490 --> 00:10:56.990
it gave me all levels of anxiety. And I remember.
00:10:57.899 --> 00:11:01.720
banging my head against a brick wall and no professional
00:11:02.409 --> 00:11:05.669
would hear me out. And no, they don't want to
00:11:05.669 --> 00:11:08.169
take me seriously. They made me feel like I was
00:11:08.169 --> 00:11:11.070
a bad parent. I did the parenting course. I did
00:11:11.070 --> 00:11:13.950
all of the things. I asked all of the questions.
00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:17.529
I was very receptive, as I'm sure you can imagine.
00:11:17.909 --> 00:11:20.769
I was like, hello, can somebody support me? And
00:11:20.769 --> 00:11:22.929
all that happened is, you know, this is what's
00:11:22.929 --> 00:11:24.929
going wrong. This is what we're doing terribly.
00:11:25.289 --> 00:11:29.350
You know, your child is wearing shorts and he
00:11:29.350 --> 00:11:31.309
should be wearing trousers. I'm like, well, just
00:11:31.309 --> 00:11:35.190
be great. he's at school um you know all of those
00:11:35.190 --> 00:11:41.210
things and i am so passionate about giving parents
00:11:41.210 --> 00:11:44.490
a voice because we are the people that are holding
00:11:44.490 --> 00:11:46.970
this stuff together like we're the people that
00:11:46.970 --> 00:11:50.669
are doing all of the above and so you must be
00:11:50.669 --> 00:11:53.210
seeing to parents seeing parents are like abby
00:11:53.210 --> 00:11:56.509
i cannot even i don't even know where to begin
00:11:56.509 --> 00:11:59.549
what am i doing because somebody's gonna get
00:11:59.549 --> 00:12:04.559
it from me I think, yeah, there's like, there's
00:12:04.559 --> 00:12:08.220
two, two things there. Like the, and the reason
00:12:08.220 --> 00:12:09.700
you probably didn't get the support that you
00:12:09.700 --> 00:12:12.000
needed is because one teachers do not have the
00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:14.240
training. They're just in my teacher training.
00:12:14.679 --> 00:12:18.179
I got one day on additional needs and one day
00:12:18.179 --> 00:12:21.220
is not enough, really not enough. So teachers
00:12:21.220 --> 00:12:23.000
feel like they are floundering as well. And I,
00:12:23.080 --> 00:12:25.179
I'm very keen to make sure whenever I talk about
00:12:25.179 --> 00:12:27.740
this sort of stuff, it's not, there are, there
00:12:27.740 --> 00:12:30.750
are teachers out there who. are you know maybe
00:12:30.750 --> 00:12:33.190
not meant for the profession but they're I don't
00:12:33.190 --> 00:12:35.590
know of any teacher that I've come across that
00:12:35.590 --> 00:12:37.950
didn't go into it for the right reasons so I
00:12:37.950 --> 00:12:40.409
think one it's not there's just not enough training
00:12:40.409 --> 00:12:43.389
there's just not um and then that makes the teachers
00:12:43.389 --> 00:12:45.009
feel like they're failing and then that it all
00:12:45.009 --> 00:12:49.210
just becomes like a negativity spiral and you're
00:12:49.210 --> 00:12:51.669
absolutely right though that parents need their
00:12:51.669 --> 00:12:54.750
voice and that is in it's in the same code of
00:12:54.750 --> 00:12:58.580
conduct conduct that Parents should be involved
00:12:58.580 --> 00:13:00.279
in every single conversation that is happening
00:13:00.279 --> 00:13:03.600
about their children. But what happens is in
00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:06.000
my experience with from talking to families now
00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:09.519
is that they're not being involved. They're not
00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:11.940
even have they find out that this thing has happened.
00:13:12.419 --> 00:13:14.639
This document's been put in place to help this
00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:17.519
child. But the parent hasn't been consulted at
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:20.539
all. And that's it's not it's against statutory
00:13:20.539 --> 00:13:24.889
regulation. And it's just so wrong because. But
00:13:24.889 --> 00:13:29.070
parents are the expert in their child. No parent
00:13:29.070 --> 00:13:31.750
is sitting at home going, oh, they're having
00:13:31.750 --> 00:13:33.269
trouble with this. I'm just going to let the
00:13:33.269 --> 00:13:35.370
school get on with that. No, they're sitting
00:13:35.370 --> 00:13:36.870
at home and they're Googling into the middle
00:13:36.870 --> 00:13:38.570
of the night because they're so concerned and
00:13:38.570 --> 00:13:41.230
they want to help their child. No, that is the
00:13:41.230 --> 00:13:44.750
reality. So when professionals don't take that
00:13:44.750 --> 00:13:48.649
on board and they kind of think it's a bit of
00:13:48.649 --> 00:13:52.330
ableism in there that, oh, your child isn't.
00:13:53.220 --> 00:13:55.860
conforming so that must be your fault as a parent
00:13:55.860 --> 00:13:58.139
and that's not it's just not the case at all
00:13:58.139 --> 00:14:01.159
um it's that the system like you say set up to
00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:04.360
to do one thing and sort out sort out but you
00:14:04.360 --> 00:14:07.019
know be there for one type of child and when
00:14:07.019 --> 00:14:09.840
that is not meeting those children's needs they
00:14:09.840 --> 00:14:12.139
can't cope with it they're meant they're they
00:14:12.139 --> 00:14:16.100
they physically cannot do it so that that means
00:14:16.100 --> 00:14:18.539
that their behavior starts doing things like
00:14:18.539 --> 00:14:20.220
hiding under the table because it's overwhelming
00:14:20.220 --> 00:14:22.419
and there's so many reasons why that could be
00:14:22.419 --> 00:14:25.460
instead of trying to work out that reason underneath
00:14:25.460 --> 00:14:28.519
it's more of a you must conform to this behavior
00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.019
thing i'm supposed to make you do as a teacher
00:14:31.019 --> 00:14:33.539
because otherwise someone's going to come and
00:14:33.539 --> 00:14:35.379
tell me that i'm doing a really bad lesson and
00:14:35.379 --> 00:14:38.019
then i'm not not going to get my pay rise next
00:14:38.019 --> 00:14:40.409
year Because that's what it's based on. It's
00:14:40.409 --> 00:14:43.970
really hard. Even things down to, you know, we'd
00:14:43.970 --> 00:14:45.870
go to all of these meetings, you'd have all of
00:14:45.870 --> 00:14:47.610
these conversations, you'd sit there for bloody
00:14:47.610 --> 00:14:50.529
hours. Half of the experts wouldn't show up because
00:14:50.529 --> 00:14:53.129
for whatever reason, they'd implement something
00:14:53.129 --> 00:14:55.009
and then they wouldn't follow through on the
00:14:55.009 --> 00:14:57.529
thing that they implemented. And that used to
00:14:57.529 --> 00:15:00.610
just drive me nuts because, you know, we've sat
00:15:00.610 --> 00:15:02.850
there for hours and hours having these conversations
00:15:02.850 --> 00:15:05.110
with half of the experts that should be there.
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:07.720
and put things in place that I never followed
00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:09.899
through with. And half of my headbutt with the
00:15:09.899 --> 00:15:12.700
school was, okay, so we spent six hours putting
00:15:12.700 --> 00:15:15.419
together this plan. And the plan isn't being
00:15:15.419 --> 00:15:19.139
adhered to. It's not being followed. Why is that
00:15:19.139 --> 00:15:23.440
not happening? And I feel sorry for the teachers
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.460
and I feel sorry for the schools because reality
00:15:25.460 --> 00:15:28.419
is most of the time it's not their fault. Their
00:15:28.419 --> 00:15:31.000
hands are tied. But it doesn't make it easier
00:15:31.000 --> 00:15:33.860
as a parent to cope with. It doesn't make it
00:15:33.860 --> 00:15:38.039
easier as a parent to deal with. And so you just
00:15:38.039 --> 00:15:39.720
end up going round and round in circles. People
00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:44.240
are becoming more frustrated. You know, that's
00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:47.240
where that's where the real, real problems lie.
00:15:47.379 --> 00:15:49.840
And people are banging, you know, getting really,
00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:53.340
really quite annoyed. So when a parent comes
00:15:53.340 --> 00:15:56.460
to you, Abby, and it's like, OK, this is my challenge.
00:15:56.659 --> 00:15:58.820
This is what I feel frustrated about, whether
00:15:58.820 --> 00:16:01.379
it's a neurotypical or a neurodivergent child.
00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:05.659
You know, what is the process? What does that
00:16:05.659 --> 00:16:09.440
look like to work with you? So we would start
00:16:09.440 --> 00:16:14.070
and I would probably I. I often would like it
00:16:14.070 --> 00:16:17.669
to suit the parent as well and whatever way they
00:16:17.669 --> 00:16:21.269
would feel comfortable opening up. Sometimes
00:16:21.269 --> 00:16:24.730
face to face in person or on Zoom isn't the way
00:16:24.730 --> 00:16:28.789
for that. So I would often suggest that we start
00:16:28.789 --> 00:16:31.870
with a Zoom call and we just talk about their
00:16:31.870 --> 00:16:34.730
child and let it all out. And I'm very keen to
00:16:34.730 --> 00:16:37.149
make sure that parents never feel that I'm judging
00:16:37.149 --> 00:16:39.940
them. So I'm very much like. I've got all this
00:16:39.940 --> 00:16:42.659
training, but I'm not perfect as a parent at
00:16:42.659 --> 00:16:47.200
all. We are all quite in the thick of it. Listen,
00:16:47.899 --> 00:16:52.980
I have never met one, ever. So we would talk
00:16:52.980 --> 00:16:55.700
about all of the things, anything that they are
00:16:55.700 --> 00:17:01.220
happy to share with me. I'm also very clear that
00:17:01.220 --> 00:17:04.559
that's obviously confidential, but I also have
00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:06.759
a safeguarding hat on a lot of the time and say
00:17:06.759 --> 00:17:09.660
that... I have to make sure that safeguarding
00:17:09.660 --> 00:17:13.819
is for everybody to look after. And then often
00:17:13.819 --> 00:17:17.619
we would just voice note and just do it quite
00:17:17.619 --> 00:17:20.240
relaxed. I want them to feel relaxed and safe
00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:22.980
because they're probably not. If they've come
00:17:22.980 --> 00:17:24.839
to me, they're probably not feeling safe with
00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:27.279
their parenting. They've probably got so many
00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:30.359
sort of hang -ups that they are carrying along
00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:34.920
with them. Sometimes a voice note. They can listen
00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:38.920
to what I say. It can, it can go in like you,
00:17:38.980 --> 00:17:41.279
I think sometimes for me personally, it takes
00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:45.779
me a while to process information and sort of
00:17:45.779 --> 00:17:47.740
really work out how I feel about it. So I think
00:17:47.740 --> 00:17:49.660
that's really useful for parents to have the
00:17:49.660 --> 00:17:53.079
time to listen to what I've said, because I am,
00:17:53.079 --> 00:17:59.259
while I'm very nonjudgmental and I haven't had
00:17:59.259 --> 00:18:03.380
any trauma informed training, I feel that I am.
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:09.640
often being very careful not to yeah yeah and
00:18:09.640 --> 00:18:12.099
make sure that they know that they're like they've
00:18:12.099 --> 00:18:14.039
not done anything wrong they're just in this
00:18:14.039 --> 00:18:15.579
in the world that they're in and unfortunately
00:18:15.579 --> 00:18:20.220
that's not necessarily set up for women um so
00:18:20.220 --> 00:18:22.079
it gives them a bit of time and we'll just chat
00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:23.960
back and forward for a certain amount of time
00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:27.500
however long we've set for and come up with a
00:18:27.500 --> 00:18:31.529
plan and often that plan Usually we talk to start
00:18:31.529 --> 00:18:34.990
off with it would be a plan of how they can help
00:18:34.990 --> 00:18:37.210
their child learn at home in a way that suits
00:18:37.210 --> 00:18:42.230
their individual child. And so we'll put that
00:18:42.230 --> 00:18:45.089
in place. But usually along the way, it becomes
00:18:45.089 --> 00:18:49.410
a. OK, so why are we feeling like this? And it's
00:18:49.410 --> 00:18:52.309
more about it. So it's interesting because someone
00:18:52.309 --> 00:18:54.690
told me once that I need to either focus on parenting
00:18:54.690 --> 00:18:57.970
or learning at home. And I couldn't. I couldn't
00:18:57.970 --> 00:19:00.390
separate them because I think they are so important.
00:19:00.589 --> 00:19:06.029
They're so linked. Well, they are. Parenting
00:19:06.029 --> 00:19:09.269
is, a lot of the time, it's education. You know,
00:19:09.309 --> 00:19:12.569
if I look at, you know, my eldest is 21 and my
00:19:12.569 --> 00:19:16.170
youngest is three. Most parenting experiences
00:19:16.170 --> 00:19:20.369
in my, I've got nearly 80 years combined worth
00:19:20.369 --> 00:19:22.950
of parenting experience. So listen, I've got
00:19:22.950 --> 00:19:25.569
this wrong a ton of times. But actually, it's
00:19:25.569 --> 00:19:31.099
a... All of those challenges and lessons are
00:19:31.099 --> 00:19:34.940
an opportunity for learning for the two of you
00:19:34.940 --> 00:19:38.619
or the three of you as parents. So it's like,
00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:41.559
you know, it's an opportunity to learn more about
00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:43.640
yourself and learn more about your child and
00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:46.640
learn more about them as an individual and an
00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:50.259
individualized approach to parenting said child
00:19:50.259 --> 00:19:53.380
and listen. I'm just going to give you a disclaimer.
00:19:53.579 --> 00:19:57.079
It doesn't stop when they're 21. In fact, I would
00:19:57.079 --> 00:19:59.900
say my 21 year old is more complex than my three
00:19:59.900 --> 00:20:02.559
year old. So don't think you're ever having a
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:04.220
rest, by the way. I just want to give you that
00:20:04.220 --> 00:20:07.779
little nugget right there. So it is it's an opportunity
00:20:07.779 --> 00:20:10.539
to learn and learn about them and learn about
00:20:10.539 --> 00:20:13.819
us as individuals. And actually, I'll be. listen
00:20:13.819 --> 00:20:17.839
over the last 21 years of being a parent I've
00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:19.579
learned more about myself than I have learned
00:20:19.579 --> 00:20:22.460
about children that's for damn sure and so it's
00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:25.859
looking at how am I reacting and responding to
00:20:25.859 --> 00:20:28.880
this situation because let me tell you yeah like
00:20:28.880 --> 00:20:32.039
for real I mean it's those things it's the it's
00:20:32.039 --> 00:20:34.200
a okay this is a challenge how am I going to
00:20:34.200 --> 00:20:36.160
react and respond to a situation now I can tell
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:39.059
you when my children were at school my my eldest
00:20:39.059 --> 00:20:42.549
was the one that really struggled um I was reacting
00:20:42.549 --> 00:20:45.690
all the time. Like I was in reaction mode because
00:20:45.690 --> 00:20:48.950
I was so pushed. I was trying to hold down a
00:20:48.950 --> 00:20:51.190
career. I was trying to be a mom. I was trying
00:20:51.190 --> 00:20:53.450
to deal with, you know, having three young children.
00:20:53.549 --> 00:20:56.609
Then you added neurodivergence. It's a lot of
00:20:56.609 --> 00:20:58.910
things, right? And when the school is ringing
00:20:58.910 --> 00:21:01.829
you two, three, four times a day, I'm on high
00:21:01.829 --> 00:21:06.839
alert. Like if I look at my physical being. Eight
00:21:06.839 --> 00:21:10.880
years ago, 10 years ago, I was wired. Like somebody
00:21:10.880 --> 00:21:14.880
had put me in a high stress environment. And
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:17.220
now what? My parenting is so much different to
00:21:17.220 --> 00:21:19.759
the point where my elders were like, mum, like
00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:23.559
you're just like such a laid back, chilled parent.
00:21:23.900 --> 00:21:26.180
Whereas my kids before, they were immaculate
00:21:26.180 --> 00:21:28.400
and they, you know, I felt like I got something
00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.779
to prove to the world, Abby. when they were young.
00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:33.680
Now I'm like, do you know what? If you want to
00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:36.000
wear socks with stripes and dots and they're
00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:38.259
mismatched and you don't really want to brush
00:21:38.259 --> 00:21:39.960
your hair, do you know what? I actually don't
00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:43.619
really care that much. And it was about taking
00:21:43.619 --> 00:21:47.240
the pressure off myself, which in turn took the
00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:49.960
pressure off them. which enabled them to breathe.
00:21:50.160 --> 00:21:52.920
And I think what happens is you get so wound
00:21:52.920 --> 00:21:56.259
up. Everybody becomes hyper wound up. Everybody's
00:21:56.259 --> 00:21:59.180
then stressed about appearing to be, you know,
00:21:59.180 --> 00:22:01.960
having all your stuff together when reality is
00:22:01.960 --> 00:22:04.900
nobody knows what you do. Listen, we can read
00:22:04.900 --> 00:22:06.180
all the books, you can do all the things, but
00:22:06.180 --> 00:22:08.339
unless you're a parent, you're experiencing parenting
00:22:08.339 --> 00:22:12.460
right now, in this moment, you don't really know
00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:16.039
how to react and respond to this. And let's just
00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:17.819
acknowledge the fact that parents are coming
00:22:17.819 --> 00:22:20.220
in to parenting with their own conditioning.
00:22:22.890 --> 00:22:25.210
of being parented they've got their own or not
00:22:25.210 --> 00:22:28.230
right in my case I didn't really have parents
00:22:28.230 --> 00:22:30.849
well I did but they weren't great so it's like
00:22:30.849 --> 00:22:33.789
okay now what do I do so I'm going home at 18
00:22:33.789 --> 00:22:36.309
with a brand new baby what do I do with this
00:22:36.309 --> 00:22:39.309
like what am I supposed to do and what happens
00:22:39.309 --> 00:22:42.730
when and nobody tells you that stuff and so to
00:22:42.730 --> 00:22:45.299
have somebody like you that's like listen this
00:22:45.299 --> 00:22:46.799
is this is what we're going to do we're going
00:22:46.799 --> 00:22:48.319
to have a conversation and we're going to talk
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:50.279
openly and honestly and there is no judgment
00:22:50.279 --> 00:22:53.039
yes of course safeguarding is important but there
00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:55.220
is no judgment here let's have a real conversation
00:22:55.220 --> 00:22:57.539
about what's happening for you how are you thinking
00:22:57.539 --> 00:23:00.539
and feeling what's your desired end result and
00:23:00.539 --> 00:23:03.579
how can we get from a to b because i knew that
00:23:03.579 --> 00:23:06.039
i wanted to be miss honey versus miss trunchbull
00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:07.980
but there were definitely points where i was
00:23:07.980 --> 00:23:12.759
definitely miss trunchbull for sure yeah I live
00:23:12.759 --> 00:23:15.640
in 98 % of the time in Miss Honey mode. You know,
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:16.900
if you want to roller skate around the house,
00:23:16.980 --> 00:23:18.779
we're good. Like I'm not too stressed about it,
00:23:18.859 --> 00:23:21.539
but I also, my children know that there's a line
00:23:21.539 --> 00:23:24.140
and we're not crossing it. Otherwise we will
00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:26.779
have to bring out Miss Trunchbull. So it's, it's
00:23:26.779 --> 00:23:29.079
having somebody like you to be able to have those
00:23:29.079 --> 00:23:32.259
conversations with and be open and honest about
00:23:32.259 --> 00:23:36.380
the highs, the lows and the in -betweens. So
00:23:36.380 --> 00:23:39.259
where can people find you and how can they work
00:23:39.259 --> 00:23:43.950
with you? so i am my website is sparkguidegrow
00:23:43.950 --> 00:23:47.769
.com uh i'm i am abby spark in most of the social
00:23:47.769 --> 00:23:51.690
media places and um yeah you can find me there
00:23:51.690 --> 00:23:54.809
and just on my website there's more information
00:23:54.809 --> 00:23:56.569
about the different ways that you can work with
00:23:56.569 --> 00:24:00.519
me and yeah Abby it's been a pleasure thank you
00:24:00.519 --> 00:24:02.140
so much for joining me thank you so much for
00:24:02.140 --> 00:24:04.839
having me you are a delight honestly and I'm
00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:07.119
so proud of you for having these continued conversations
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:10.700
it's super important and parents really do need
00:24:10.700 --> 00:24:12.759
their support because it's lonely out there and
00:24:12.759 --> 00:24:15.559
we're all so confused as to what ways right or
00:24:15.559 --> 00:24:17.779
wrong and everybody has an opinion about everything
00:24:17.779 --> 00:24:21.319
and we we just we're lost as parents we we don't
00:24:21.319 --> 00:24:24.019
know what we're doing so to have that that space
00:24:24.019 --> 00:24:27.140
is amazing thank you so much thank you
