35. Persistence - Adaptability = Insanity

2009. A party at a house in Silver Lake. A horror movie director, named Tom, in a white button down shirt. A fat man with an architect’s eyewear that knew Jack Kerouac. The living room had a billiards table. The parlour had a wet bar, a wine closet and a stripper’s pole.

I had made the hosts bucatini in a red sauce the week before. They served a better version of the same dish tonight. She had a tick where she would breathe quickly in through her nose twice when she wanted to punctuate something she had just said.

All were actors or directors or writers even if they weren’t. The host had a hair salon but was an actor. The fat man worked at the city but was a writer. Before the host moved into this house the composer and singer/songwriter couple Jon Brion and Aimee Man lived here. I saw Jon sing at Largo once. When he sings he sounds like he’s being strangled.

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The man with the glasses said, “Jack refused to use toilet paper. He would carry around a washcloth he would use on his ass instead.” The horror director laughed quietly. I looked over at him. There were a series of red dots forming by his collar. He had scratched open a wound on his shoulder and there was blood seeping through his white shirt.

They were all here in LA either trying to make it or trying to hold on to their bit of success.

What is the difference between insanity and perseverance?

One definition of insanity has been described — ad nauseam — as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Perseverance is defined as persisting in doing something despite difficulty. But to identify where one is going wrong and changing one’s approach that is something else. That’s adaptability. And it is the key missing ingredient.

Being adaptable takes insanity and turns it into persistence. You try, try, try and then you die.

Later that night a few of us repaired to the TV room and watched a Patton Oswalt special. He was a regular at my host’s salon.

“My brother-in-law babysits this really smart two-year old. One night the kid needed to be changed. And my brother says Do I need to change your diapers? And the kid says Diaper. Singular. That’s the confidence of a serial killer. If you are shitting your pants and correcting someone’s grammar you’re just neck-deep in the crazy pool.”

When I compare myself do I take into account good luck? Patton had made it. A comedian and an actor who could fill theatres and showed up regularly on Television. But how do we value what we cannot measure versus what we can? Is there virtue in never giving up?

I have applied for grad school. It begins in January. I will be pursuing a Masters in Psychology.

It’s a departure. But it’s definitely an area of interest and there is some overlap. Learning to act like other people and learning to be a person can inhabit the same space. I’ll know more in a month or so whether I’m accepted. I can’t say I’m looking forward to going back to school but I am excited at the prospect of becoming a therapist. I just might be done with auditioning. I’ve been doing it for a quarter of a century. I’ve had it with asking people permission to perform. I’ve got thirty summers left. Better to make them as useful to others as possible.

That night I rode back to my apartment in West Hollywood. The air was perfumed with bougainvillea. I rode past Marcia Gay Harden’s home, past El Cid, past the Egyptian Theatre and the Tiki-Ti. A whole city of people from away desperately trying to stay on the right side of perseverance.

And the difficulties continue whether you make it or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich and famous. Sometimes you’ll still find yourself at a party with blood on your shirt.

“Best way to get into Hollywood? Take Fountain.” - Bettie Davis.

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