That Heifer Nancy Reagan Loved D.A.R.E. with Ms. Pat

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Speaker 1: What's poppin', congregation? It's your girl Lacey Musley, a.k.a.
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Speaker 2: Scam Goddess, back with another installment of the comedy podcast all about.
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Speaker 1: Robbery, fraud, and those who practice it. Sometimes we love them. Sometimes we hate them.
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Speaker 2: One thing's for sure, we likely will laugh at them, but never at the victims. Congregation, parasocial girlies, I'm very what? Yes, I'm very excited. I'm very thrilled. I'm very elated. I truly feel like I manifested this iconic guest today, threw another crystal up on the octagon, and look at that.
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Speaker 1: The universe provides. She's looking at me like, what is this?
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Speaker 2: Patricia Williams-Lee, better known by her stage name Miss Pat, is an American stand-up comedian, actress, best known as the lead and namesake of The Miss Pat Show, which is hilarious.
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Speaker 1: She also hosts the podcast The Pat Down with Miss Pat. Welcome. How are you, Miss Pat?
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Speaker 3: This ain't no confession, is it? No, no.
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Speaker 1: We're not trapping you. This is not a trap.
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Speaker 3: Well, yeah, I mean, that shit is old. I ain't going to jail.
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Speaker 2: Well, see, I do want to know a little bit. I was going to ask you, Ms. Pat, like, what's your relationship with scams?
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Speaker 3: Do you love them? Do you hate them?
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Speaker 1: You got any that you ran into?
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Speaker 3: I say do what you got to do. Just don't vote my money. Amen. Amen.
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Speaker 1: Have you ever had someone try to run a scam on you?
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Speaker 3: Yeah. Yes. Like what? Them people who call all the time.
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Speaker 4: I just had somebody recently call me and say, um, um, I'm calling from Truett Bank, Forger's department. And I need to talk to you because somebody's trying to get in your account. I said, look, I'm going to tell you this because I love you. Go play in your pussy. It's more exciting. I said, first of all, I don't have a Truett account, you dumb fuck. Call me back when you got Bank of America. And I ain't got them either.
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Speaker 1: Not you giving tips.
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Speaker 3: He's like, fuck you, bitch. And he hung up.
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Speaker 4: So I love when they call me with these scams. Because I'm like, and I told him, I said, I understand you need money, but so do I. But I just stopped doing what you're doing today.
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Speaker 3: So get the fuck off my phone. Period. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: I don't like how he was like, fuck you, bitch. Like, what do you mean? You called to rob me. How you getting mad?
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Speaker 3: Well, that's all right. Because I fucked up his robbery. It was like calling the police.
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Speaker 1: Fair.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Fair enough.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: You got in the way of his scheme by not giving him money. I feel like scammers used to be more gracious, though. But as we see the economy.
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Speaker 3: Well, they used to be classic.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: They had class. They don't have no class these days. Yeah. They don't.
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Speaker 4: They just, you know, back in the day when I forged checks. I know it was covered by the FDA or whoever the fuck covered the money.
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Speaker 3: FDIC. Yeah, that's the food people. Them too.
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Speaker 4: But, you know, I would write your check in good places. I wouldn't write it for no bullshit. You know, I would write it for big stream TVs. Because I didn't want you to have a whole lot of checks that you had to tell the bank bounce.
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Speaker 3: I just wanted you to have a few checks that bounce. So I made big purchases.
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Speaker 2: I love the math of that. It's like, look, I could have come in here and got three.
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Speaker 1: Chapsticks with a magic. But no, I got six flat screens.
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Speaker 3: And that's better for all of us. What no flat screens back then, young lady? They was a big screen. Oh, it was the TV with the booty.
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Speaker 1: In the back?
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Speaker 3: Yes. Yeah, I'm 54.
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Speaker 1: Okay, listen. I still remember the booty back TV.
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Speaker 2: And I only remember it because if I got on punishment and I wasn't allowed to watch TV and I tried to sneak and watch TV, my parents would come home and they would like rub the back to see if.
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Speaker 4: It was hot.
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Speaker 3: Damn, what kind of TV y'all TV? A regular TV?
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Speaker 2: No, this was like the first big screen TV, but it had a booty on the back.
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Speaker 3: Yes, it was big, yeah.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. No, we had fight night at our house. It was a very classy, large television.
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Speaker 3: Those were called big screen TVs. Yeah, big screen.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, big screen. Yeah, it wasn't flat, but it was tall.
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Speaker 3: Yes, it was very tall.
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Speaker 1: That was like right when TiVo came out.
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Speaker 3: They was big.
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Speaker 4: They was like 50-something inches.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, it was like you could stand next to it. Yes, exactly.
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Speaker 1: It would be your height.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: And I remember when TiVo came out because it was like my parents got into TiVo like right as that Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake Super Bowl had happened. So they kept rewinding it when the titty popped out.
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Speaker 3: Yes.
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Speaker 1: And that's how I remember. Janet did a lot for the Internet that day.
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Speaker 3: Truly. Truly. She did. She needs y'all to leave her brother the fuck alone.
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Speaker 2: They need to leave the whole Jackson family alone. They've given us enough, okay? They done been scootin' and dippin' and skippin' and dancin' since.
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Speaker 3: Well, they used to. Empathy They don't give a fuck. They rich. That's true.
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Speaker 1: That's true. Now, so when you.
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Speaker 2: With, like, okay, so when you would allegedly write a check or something, was it, like, was it you were targeting, like, a certain store? Or was it, like, oh, I just kind of need this today and I got to wait for the money to come? Or, like, post-date it and put, like, a little, like, y'all come back in two weeks to get this?
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Speaker 4: Or.
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Speaker 3: Oh, young lady, I wasn't using my checks. I was using other people's checks. Oh, kiting. That's beautiful. Excuse me? Oh, it's called... What is it called?
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Speaker 1: It's called check kiting.
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Speaker 3: Kiting? Yeah. No, it's called check forgery.
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Speaker 1: It's also called forgery.
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Speaker 3: How old are you? Oh, my gosh.
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Speaker 1: You don't put me in a spot?
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Speaker 3: I'm in my 30s.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, because it's a big difference here. You're using different words for the same crime.
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Speaker 3: Kiting. What the fuck is check kiting?
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Speaker 4: You're right.
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Speaker 3: Well, when I was young like you, it was called.
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Speaker 1: You were still very young.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm not. I'm old as fuck.
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Speaker 4: It was just called check forgery. So my brother used to break in people's houses, and a lot of times he would steal a car from downtown.
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Speaker 3: And once he stole the car.
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Speaker 4: You know, people always leave their personal shit in their car, like their checkbooks. So he would come by where I sold drugs at and like, you want these checks books. And so before I got into check forgery, I really didn't know how to fucking write a check or anything.
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Speaker 3: So I would give them to this crackhead who wrote them. And then I said, well, teach me how to do it. And the crackhead taught me how to forge checks. Crackheads have so many skills. Yes. And so that's how I got into forging checks. I love that.
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Speaker 1: I love that the crackhead let you, like, put you on game, too.
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Speaker 3: Yes. Like, how to make a license.
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Speaker 4: Back in those days, you would take your parking ticket, and you would, somebody's old parking ticket, you would put a fang and a positive remover over it to erase it. And then you would put a carbon copy and put two up under each other. And then you would fill the information out, and it would look like it came straight out of a police traffic ticket book.
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Speaker 3: Oh, my God.
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Speaker 1: This is beautiful.
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Speaker 4: And so we would make our own traffic tickets because that's all you needed. Then we would go in Decatur and get a piece of, like, work ID to go along with it. Bam.
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Speaker 3: And you was able to go out and write that whole book in a day. Oh, my God, that's so beautiful.
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Speaker 2: Like, I wish that scammers were still working that hard. I feel like as technology has progressed, now they call you on the phone, pretend to be a victim, and say, fuck you, if you say no.
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Speaker 3: Like, what? Get out here and get some acetone.
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Speaker 4: And if you notice that sometimes you'll be like, somebody's trying to log into your account. So all they do is they buy the stuff on the black web, and all they do is just constantly try to get into your account.
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Speaker 3: I changed my passcode.
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Speaker 4: Like, now I'm down to, I'm trying to start, I'm almost down to every month because it's ridiculous. Wow. I mean, Ms.
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Speaker 1: Patty, you got money, though, so, like, they're going to keep trying to rob you, so.
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Speaker 4: Oh, you're not going to rob me because I'm the robber.
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Speaker 3: You know what?
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Speaker 1: And I love that. I love that.
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Speaker 3: Yes.
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Speaker 1: I love that for me.
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Speaker 3: I love that.
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Speaker 1: That's the mantra. I might have to put that on a T-shirt.
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Speaker 3: Don't try to rob me because I'm the robber. I mean, I tell them all the time when they come. I say, hey, I do what you do. So you might want to call somebody else. Right.
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Speaker 1: I'm the same way.
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Speaker 2: But unfortunately for me, I'm curious. So I try to keep them on the phone. I want to see exactly how they run the play and everything. And then I seem too interested. And then they hang up on me. And I'm like, how you going to ghost me? I thought we was doing a robbery together.
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Speaker 3: And they're like, we're just not a group activity. Yes.
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Speaker 4: But I don't know who fall for those dumb ass scam today. I mean, with the Internet and people talking about them all the time. You know, how do you call in some of this Bank of America?
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Speaker 3: Well, hold on, Bank of America. I'm going to call you back. Right. At the number on the back of my credit card, bitch. Exactly. Yes.
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Speaker 4: So you got to, I just think people have to be, you have to really slow down these days. Because back when I was doing it, it was just credit cards and check for all.
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Speaker 3: It's like all the shirt. Yeah. It wasn't all this other stuff. You know, I didn't know.
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Speaker 4: I don't know nothing about it. this song, this girl, you scamming ass niggas and making crap.
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Speaker 3: I didn't know nothing about all that bullshit. Where are my scamming ass niggas? You don't know about that?
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Speaker 4: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: No, I don't know about that. Spending that money fast.
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Speaker 1: You don't spend that shit, Pat? Spend that shit.
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Speaker 3: I spend my own money now. I spend my own shit.
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Speaker 1: I love that. You spend your own shit.
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Speaker 2: Yes.
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Speaker 3: Okay, yes.
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Speaker 1: Spend that shit.
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Speaker 2: I mean, for me, I appreciate the ingenuity, like, back in the day because now it is a lot of, like, clicking on links.
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Speaker 1: There's a lot of AI.
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Speaker 2: I think to answer your question of, like, who's filing for this, like, Not everybody's, like, as tapped in and in tune, you know, like, as a prolific stand-up comedian, you know a lot about the world. And so not everybody is, like, tapped in on what's going on all the time or online all the time or, you know, they're in rural towns. Or they're old people who are lonely and then the scammer calls and they're like, finally, like, it's Tuesdays and more.
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Speaker 4: I mean, just think about the credit card thing now that you can literally walk by somebody with a scanning machine and you can fucking, they can scan your whole card.
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Speaker 3: I think that happened to me one time, didn't it?
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Speaker 1: That happens at gas stations, too.
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Speaker 3: Oh, let me tell you.
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Speaker 4: I was at a gas station one time, and it was one that I was getting gas at. And I left there, and it wouldn't take my card, but it said, your card has just been charged. And so I got a kickback, and Sears called me and said, is this you trying to make these purchases?
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Speaker 3: I said, the fucking gas station declined my card.
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Speaker 1: You was buying gas with a Sears card?
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Speaker 3: Yeah, a MasterCard. Oh, okay.
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Speaker 1: Sears had a MasterCard?
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Speaker 3: Sears still has a master. I've had that card my whole marriage. Yes.
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Speaker 1: Are Sears still in business?
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Speaker 3: I don't think so. I just didn't got the credit card.
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Speaker 1: I went to somebody to close out Sears' is. So I didn't know if they were still going.
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Speaker 3: It's just a card that I have. Okay. I don't think they raised my limit in 30 years, but it's just a- Wait, does it still work? Because I thought- Yes.
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Speaker 4: And it's a card that I will not get rid of because it's me and my husband's first credit card together.
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Speaker 3: So it's just a card.
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Speaker 1: That's very romantic, me and my husband's first credit card together. That's cute.
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Speaker 4: Well, that's the first time he allowed me to be on his credit because he already had a card.
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Speaker 1: That makes it even cuter.
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Speaker 3: Okay, yes.
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Speaker 1: You pay that bill.
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Speaker 3: I love you. Yes.
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Speaker 4: Well, we paid a bill now, but it was a struggle. We ate out that card for fucking years.
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Speaker 3: I love that.
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Speaker 2: I love that when Sears went up yonder to be with, you know, Spirit Airlines and who else went up yonder?
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Speaker 3: But Sears is still around, isn't it?
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Speaker 1: It's some Sears.
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Speaker 2: I don't know if they went fully up yonder if they low sick or like if they might be on.
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Speaker 3: What the fuck are you talking about? Like Sears. I'm saying I don't know. What do you mean go up yonder?
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Speaker 2: Like if they died or if they on life support. I don't know if Sears is dead or if it's on life support.
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Speaker 3: They might be on life support, but I don't think they dead yet.
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Speaker 4: They might be dead because I saw the Tuesday, the brand Tuesday in another store.
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Speaker 3: So I don't fucking know.
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Speaker 2: Listen, corporations like to act like they people online now. So I'll be talking about them like people. I'm like, oh, yeah, they went to the king. They're not with us no more.
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Speaker 3: Well, people don't really go in the stores anymore.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 3: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Which is depressing because, like, I really enjoyed the shopping experience of going into a store.
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Speaker 1: I missed customer service.
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Speaker 2: Like, I almost low-key missed when they used to follow me around because I was Black. Because then at least I get some service.
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Speaker 1: Like, you know, like.
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Speaker 3: Take your ass to Neiman Marcus. You'll get all the attention you want. Right.
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Speaker 2: And I start treating him like a personal shopper.
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Speaker 1: You follow me around, be like, hold this. Hold that. Thank you so much. Keep going with me. Walk with me. You want to profile me? Let's profile together. Let's have a group project.
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Speaker 3: You're nice. I don't do that.
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Speaker 1: Oh, you just don't know?
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Speaker 3: I tell him, I say, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, period. Yeah, why are you fucking following me? I just, I don't know.
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Speaker 1: I like to fuck with him. I'm just like, okay.
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Speaker 3: I do too.
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Speaker 4: I like to put him to get the fuck away from behind me. Okay, that's two different, and I love that. But I'm an old black woman, too, so you have that type of time. And you probably pop out your phone and record them. All right, get the fuck, what are you doing? And I always tell them, I say, when I was stealing for you, you never caught me.
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Speaker 3: So it's too late now. I'm saved. Right. So I don't steal anymore.
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Speaker 2: I also just never understood why employees would be so dedicated to following people around stores.
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Speaker 1: Because you're not making anything from that. And also, there's shrink. There's loss prevention. The stuff is insured. Like, what are you going to chase? I remember I worked at a retail store and our manager used to work. She was like this scraggly, like kind of like scrappy white girl.
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Speaker 3: You just said the right word, white girl.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, but she looked like she'd be like fighting people. Like she might be on baddies or something. Like she just looked like she was living a life. And she said she used to work at Rainbow. And when she was a manager there, if people tried to steal, she would like run out into the parking lot after them.
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Speaker 1: I was like, girl, over Rainbow? It's not even your Rainbow. Try it for me.
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Speaker 3: I don't give a fuck what you steal from them. This ain't my shit. Right, exactly. They got insurance. Exactly.
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Speaker 2: And people get nosy in stores. Like, did you ring that up? I'm like, okay, but do you work here? Like, why are you so pressed for Daddy Corporation? This is none of your business. When you go home, do you feel good about that? Like, do you get into bed with your spouse?
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Speaker 3: Like, oh, my God. Anybody never ask me, what you mean, did you ring up?
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Speaker 2: You know, like, they'll be like, self-checkout. Like, other people be trying to, like, watch other people self-check out.
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Speaker 3: Really? Yeah. I don't know. People are miserable.
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Speaker 4: You shouldn't use self-checkout. When you use self-checkout, you eliminate people's jobs. So I don't use them.
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Speaker 2: I don't use them, but for a different reason. I don't use them because, like, I don't work here. So if I use it, I should be able to steal because these are my wages because now I'm employed.
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Speaker 3: You are?
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Speaker 2: I'm saying if I have to do self-checkout, I technically work for this establishment now, which means I need to get paid, which means I'm not ringing everything up because these are my wages now.
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Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, you do want to go to jail.
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Speaker 4: You see that camera Walmart got over your head, up your ass, and in your face?
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Speaker 3: Yeah, go ahead on and get your wages. Okay, well, listen, you got to stop. You're going to get a wedgie, too.
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Speaker 2: You got to stop under $ 2, 500 because they'll let you make it for a little bit, and then they'll arrest you.
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Speaker 1: Don't let them book you on a Friday. That's when they like to book people. Don't ask me. I just be knowing things like this.
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Speaker 3: I know.
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Speaker 4: You one of them chicks that be running out of altar with that makeup and shit, ain't you?
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Speaker 1: No, I pay for my makeup.
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Speaker 3: You used to before you got this podcast.
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Speaker 1: No, I would still pay.
00:14:00
Speaker 3: No. I would. What kind of scams you did?
00:14:03
Speaker 1: What kind of scams did I do?
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Speaker 4: You did something with that motherfucking Run DMC hat on your head.
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Speaker 1: I picked the wrong day to wear this hat. Scams!
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Speaker 2: Cool cons.
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Speaker 3: LL Cool J. What kind of.
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Speaker 1: Ladies love cool cons.
00:14:27
Speaker 3: What kind of stealing you used to do? I mean, was I stealing or was I just. Or was you a scammer?
00:14:34
Speaker 1: I worked at a lot of drug fronts. That was my thing.
00:14:38
Speaker 3: What the fuck is drug fronts?
00:14:39
Speaker 2: So it's like a business where the whole business is not making enough money to sustain on its own. It's just actually used to launder illegal money to make it look legit.
00:14:49
Speaker 3: So how did you find those jobs? They had fake jobs in.
00:14:54
Speaker 2: I mean, you just start to realize you're working at a drug front.
00:14:57
Speaker 1: Maybe I have a calling for scams.
00:14:59
Speaker 2: I worked at one in Pittsburgh and I remember like when the guy hired me, it was to be a like bottle girl.
00:15:06
Speaker 3: Right.
00:15:06
Speaker 1: And so or not a bottle girl, but we're supposed to go out and promote this summer jam. So I was just young.
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Speaker 2: I bought some Jessica Simpson heels and some tiny shorts and they gave me a T-shirt.
00:15:13
Speaker 1: We just walked around the club. Cut to first night I did that. Club got shot up.
00:15:17
Speaker 2: I was in a shooting. And I was like, oh, my God, this is terrible. And you can read about it in my book. But I was like, I was literally in a shooting. And I remember when we came back to the establishment, the restaurant that he owned, all the other girls, and they had this strong Pittsburgh accent.
00:15:31
Speaker 1: They're like, oh, my God, I can't believe I shot up the club again. Like, this is so annoying.
00:15:36
Speaker 3: And I was like, annoying?
00:15:38
Speaker 1: This happens regularly? Like, no one seemed fake.
00:15:41
Speaker 3: So I was like.
00:15:42
Speaker 1: Okay, I can't do this. So I folded up my little shirt. I gave it back to the owner. He was like, you know what?
00:15:45
Speaker 2: I got a different job for you. And he put me behind the bar. And I would get paid out of the register. No one kept tabs of anything that was coming in or out. His kids would come in and be like, tell them I said Boo need $ 100.
00:15:56
Speaker 1: And I'd be like, okay. I started trying to do some accounting for them.
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Speaker 3: I was like, you know what?
00:15:59
Speaker 1: Boo took $ 100 on Tuesday the 19th.
00:16:05
Speaker 3: Dang.
00:16:06
Speaker 1: And then slowly I realized, I was like, there's no way any of this is legal. I never filled out any paperwork. I always took my money straight out of the register. That was my wages.
00:16:13
Speaker 2: I never stole because I was scared. I was like, you don't steal from people like this. Everybody too trusting in here. I don't want to know what's going on. And then I also worked for some Russians in New York.
00:16:21
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:16:22
Speaker 2: Also another bar gig. But I'd make really good money there. And they'd come in and they'd be like, oh, here's your... And I'd be like, stradulce.
00:16:28
Speaker 1: And I would just leave. I didn't need to know what was going on up in there. It wasn't none of my business.
00:16:32
Speaker 3: Oh.
00:16:34
Speaker 1: So I'm like scam adjacent.
00:16:36
Speaker 3: Probably so. Okay.
00:16:37
Speaker 1: Just a little bit.
00:16:38
Speaker 2: But let's move into our main topic here. This is Historic Hoodwinks. This is where I will regale Miss Pat with the famous con caper group of criminals.
00:16:46
Speaker 1: Maybe we love them. Maybe we hate them. Today we're going to be talking about Dare. You remember Dare?
00:16:50
Speaker 3: Fuck yeah. I love Dare. You loved Dare? Yeah. It's supposed to keep the kids all correct.
00:16:58
Speaker 1: Yeah. Did they come to your school?
00:17:00
Speaker 3: I'm old as fuck. We had Smokey the Bear.
00:17:04
Speaker 4: What the fuck are you talking about? Y'all only— Smokey the Bear. No fucking dare when I.
00:17:11
Speaker 2: Smokey didn't say anything about crack.
00:17:13
Speaker 1: He just said only you can prevent forest fires.
00:17:16
Speaker 3: That's right.
00:17:16
Speaker 4: He said don't light forest fires, don't smoke, and don't do drugs.
00:17:20
Speaker 3: Then years later, the dare program came along. I'm 54. Why no fucking dare in my school?
00:17:26
Speaker 1: So at the time when y'all had Smokey, Smokey was just saying, don't smoke anything. Don't smoke up the woods. Don't smoke the grass.
00:17:30
Speaker 4: Well, he talked about don't do drugs and don't, you know, don't play with fire and stuff like that.
00:17:35
Speaker 1: So he was more broad. He was more broad. So then they brought the lion in to be more specific, the dare lion. Okay.
00:17:40
Speaker 3: Yeah, so dare came along later. Dare was for my kids.
00:17:43
Speaker 4: Now, dare should have been me, too, because when dare came in the 80s, right?
00:17:48
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
00:17:49
Speaker 4: I had a baby in 86, but I dropped out of school, so there was a part of my daughter's life. But I thought it was a good program. It replaced Smokey the Bear.
00:17:59
Speaker 1: Did it replace Smokey, or.
00:18:00
Speaker 2: Did it add an additional animal to Smokey's, like, zoo? I feel like Smokey's still out here. I don't think nobody listens to Smokey.
00:18:08
Speaker 3: The Bear anymore, ma'am. He outdated? Yes, I think he's gone.
00:18:12
Speaker 1: They call Smokey a boomer?
00:18:13
Speaker 3: It's there now. It's there now. I think they retired Smokey.
00:18:17
Speaker 1: Well, so the D.A.R.E.
00:18:18
Speaker 2: Program didn't keep kids off drugs, but it did get cops into schools, which is what they wanted all along. And even though it didn't work, D.A.R.E. was so hard to kill that millennials who lived through it in the 90s now have kids who are also living through it, too.
00:18:33
Speaker 1: So, like you said, like, your kids had D.A.R.E., these children had D.A.R.E. I love this photo with all the white children because, you know, the LAPD was the one getting into these schools. So... Drug abuse resistance education. That's what D.A.R.E. stands for.
00:18:48
Speaker 3: Oh, really? I never knew it. I never knew that. I thought it was like D.A.R.E. to use drugs. I D.A.R.E. you not to use drugs. I D.A.R.E. to use drugs. I don't fucking know.
00:18:57
Speaker 1: I double D.A.R.E.
00:18:58
Speaker 3: You. So you think D.A.R.E. was created to get cops into schools? Yeah.
00:19:02
Speaker 1: Well, that's what they wanted.
00:19:04
Speaker 3: Why did they want it?
00:19:05
Speaker 1: I'm going to get to that.
00:19:06
Speaker 3: Well, get to it, then I'm interested.
00:19:07
Speaker 1: Sorry.
00:19:09
Speaker 2: So if you went to elementary school anytime in like the 80s or 90s, you remember the D.A.R.E. drug abuse resistance education for kids. It was an excuse to get out of class.
00:19:16
Speaker 3: Right.
00:19:17
Speaker 1: We love the D.A.R.E.
00:19:17
Speaker 2: Program because we could sit around an auditorium and not listen and yap or do whatever we wanted. So and then you probably listen to some like bald, like definitely uncool police officer from the local precinct who would tell you about how scary various street drugs were and how you should never try them. And if you have follow-up questions about these super bad drugs and like how they were used or what the effects were, your D.A.R.E. officer would jump in and answer in vivid detail. So if you were like, they were like, crack is bad, it's whack. And then the kids were like, how do you do crack? He's like, let me tell you, son. First you need to get one of these pipes. You can get them at a gas station.
00:19:55
Speaker 3: Who the fuck told you this shit?
00:19:58
Speaker 1: This is what happens. This is the research.
00:20:00
Speaker 2: They would answer in-depth questions if you had questions about specific drugs and.
00:20:05
Speaker 3: How you use them. They went to black school and told them how to smoke crack. Reagan of it all.
00:20:12
Speaker 1: Does it surprise you?
00:20:13
Speaker 2: So at its height, police officers taught.
00:20:15
Speaker 4: I don't believe that shit. Because my children didn't smoke no dope. And they was on there. We had the book bag and everything.
00:20:21
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they're recruiting you to do the drugs.
00:20:24
Speaker 3: But my children didn't know.
00:20:25
Speaker 4: Well, my children already knew how to smoke crack because we lived in a crack neighborhood.
00:20:29
Speaker 3: But I'm just saying, come keep going with these lies. You lying on these white folks. This is research. This is not.
00:20:35
Speaker 1: Look, we put the footnotes in every episode, okay?
00:20:37
Speaker 3: Keep going on with the scam goddess.
00:20:38
Speaker 4: I'm listening to you because you trying to scam a bitch right now. You not going to tell me no dare. was to bring the officer in school and tell these kids how to do drugs. So what they tell the white kids, beware the pedophiles?
00:20:50
Speaker 2: I'm saying that what they... If you ask how... People use these drugs. They would have these very vivid, scary stories for these kids, which are also kind of educating you on how to do drugs.
00:21:00
Speaker 1: It depends on how you think about it.
00:21:01
Speaker 3: Was it to scare the kids from doing drugs? What was it?
00:21:05
Speaker 2: I mean, the pathway to hell is paid with good intentions. You can listen to my podcast and think like, oh, I'm learning how to prevent scams. I'm learning how to help people stop doing scams. Or you could be listening to these stories getting inspired.
00:21:14
Speaker 3: Allegedly.
00:21:15
Speaker 1: Not something I'm doing for legal reasons.
00:21:18
Speaker 3: Okay, well, keep going. Because I'm interested.
00:21:21
Speaker 1: So at its height, police officers taught D.A.R.E.
00:21:23
Speaker 2: To 5th and 6th grade students in more than 75% of American school districts and dozens of countries around the world. Many went through the full 17-week course, and millions more students ranging from kindergarten to high school age received various, like, variations of the D.A.R.E.
00:21:39
Speaker 1: Program.
00:21:40
Speaker 2: More than 40 years after the program started, the nonprofit organization that oversees the program still reports millions of dollars in revenue and expenses. And they say they still say that the police are credible experts and reliable instructors in school classrooms.
00:21:55
Speaker 3: The police. Great educators. Not only that shit. Keep going. Right.
00:22:00
Speaker 1: But it doesn't work.
00:22:00
Speaker 3: Right.
00:22:01
Speaker 2: At least a dozen independent studies found that kids who go through the 17 week program are just as likely to use drugs as those who don't. So they're like, this isn't really working, but it is making coin for the police department.
00:22:11
Speaker 1: So they're like, well, we dare you to stop us.
00:22:14
Speaker 3: Oh, that might be all right. I believe you on that one.
00:22:18
Speaker 1: So the L.A.
00:22:18
Speaker 3: Origins of this.
00:22:19
Speaker 4: D.A.R.E.
00:22:19
Speaker 2: Was actually invented by the LAPD in the 80s. A famously normal and trustworthy police force in a famously normal and trustworthy time. And look there, our trap queen herself, Nancy Reagan.
00:22:32
Speaker 1: She's sitting right there.
00:22:33
Speaker 3: Oh, D.A.R.E. is some bullshit.
00:22:37
Speaker 4: Oh, you showed me that white bitch. There is some bullshit. They need to dare to get out of them class. And they're putting them black kids on crack. That lying white bitch right there. Talking about some welfare queen. And they the one was stealing all the money.
00:22:52
Speaker 3: Oh, fuck them.
00:22:54
Speaker 1: Not the minute I showed you the trap queen. You was like, nope, never mind.
00:22:57
Speaker 3: The trap queen herself. Oh, ugly bitch.
00:23:00
Speaker 1: With the band though. Nessie Reagan. I'll be in the kitchen cooking crack. Nessie Reagan. We need the remix.
00:23:07
Speaker 2: So, yeah, so it was invented in the 80s and obviously with this very untrustworthy first lady. So they had tried placing undercover officers in schools as early as 1974 in L.A. to identify drug.
00:23:20
Speaker 1: Dealers in their war on drugs.
00:23:23
Speaker 2: But drug use among young Angelenos kept going up, which made them look bad. The LAPD police chief, Daryl Gates, came up with the idea for DARE in 1983. Yes, Daryl was the chief of police from 1978 to 1992. He says. And was charged during the Rodney King riots.
00:23:42
Speaker 3: He was charged?
00:23:42
Speaker 1: He was in charge during the Rodney King riots.
00:23:44
Speaker 3: Oh, I bet you. Well, he looked like he beat niggas.
00:23:46
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. That face says all I'd love to do is be black people. Like, it's a pastime.
00:23:51
Speaker 3: It's a hobby. Is he still alive?
00:23:54
Speaker 1: I mean, he resigned after Rodney King. I'm not sure if he's still with us. But he also invented the SWAT team. Man, this man, whoo!
00:24:04
Speaker 3: From Atlanta, did he invent the Red Dogs, too?
00:24:08
Speaker 2: I mean, he was cooking in L.A. He was doing his atrocities in L.A. So I don't know if he spread to Atlanta. However, the fact that he came up with D.A.R.E. and SWAT is diabolical. Like, this was a super evil genius right here.
00:24:20
Speaker 3: Like, what?
00:24:21
Speaker 1: How you gonna come up with all that? He was just waking up in the middle of the night like, how can I harm black people?
00:24:25
Speaker 3: Well, do you think it was harm or do you think it was make the streets safer?
00:24:30
Speaker 1: You know it was an Omega Street Saver, not in the 80s.
00:24:33
Speaker 2: Especially because, like, why are y'all going to schools and targeting children? This is definitely just giving me, like, school-to-prison pipeline, but y'all trying to cover it up.
00:24:40
Speaker 3: I agree.
00:24:42
Speaker 2: Because, like, if you're trying to stop the drug sales, like, let's get the salesman's, you know, on the corner. Let's get the street pharmacist. Like, why are you going into people's, like, fourth period history class?
00:24:50
Speaker 4: I think because they probably think these kids live with the drug dealers. Maybe.
00:24:54
Speaker 3: And maybe they're going to tell something.
00:24:56
Speaker 2: Which... So Darrow was losing the war on drugs at the time, right, out in the streets. So he brought the police officers into the schools to supposedly.
00:25:05
Speaker 1: Reduce the demand for drugs.
00:25:07
Speaker 2: In January of 1983, he approached the Los Angeles Unified School District with his idea. Working with school officials, the LAPD developed a proposal for the use of police officers to teach a new form of substance abuse education. And so he was like, look, I know our numbers are really bad. We're not actually stopping the war on drugs. What if y'all give us more money to go into the schools with notoriously the most educated people out there, cops, and teach the children?
00:25:37
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:25:38
Speaker 2: So the idea was to teach the children about the dangers of the drugs, encouraging just say no.
00:25:43
Speaker 1: I remember just say no.
00:25:45
Speaker 4: I remember, I used just say no for prostitution, relationship, drugs, cooking, cleaning.
00:25:52
Speaker 1: Just say no to relationships, cooking, and cleaning.
00:25:55
Speaker 3: Just say no. You want to fuck, just say no.
00:25:59
Speaker 2: No.
00:26:01
Speaker 3: You about to write me. No. Oh, Lord Jesus. Yes.
00:26:05
Speaker 2: So through role playing and refusal strategies and like like it was all supposed to like promote decision making and self-esteem skills. So when I say role playing and refusal strategies, you're just say no refusal strategy.
00:26:16
Speaker 1: Also, like they would role play and be like, hey, kid, I'm Mr.
00:26:19
Speaker 3: Drug Man.
00:26:20
Speaker 1: You want some like, you know, like, hey, I'm on the playground. You want to try this new drug?
00:26:24
Speaker 3: It's called crack.
00:26:25
Speaker 2: And then the kid goes, no, crack is whack. And then they run away. These are like what the skits were. Well, what's wrong with those skits?
00:26:32
Speaker 4: I mean, because the average parents at home was telling their kids to say no too, right?
00:26:35
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:26:36
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with that skit. Now, is it effective?
00:26:40
Speaker 3: Well, you have any kids? No. Well, I have kids.
00:26:43
Speaker 4: So with kids, you have to constantly reiterate stuff from, you know, don't.
00:26:48
Speaker 3: Smoke, don't do drugs, don't do this, don't do that, don't touch the stove, it's hot.
00:26:52
Speaker 4: So, I mean, I don't really see nothing wrong with if they was doing skits. And they say, hey, because it's TV.
00:27:00
Speaker 3: The world was talking about it at the time. Right. So, I mean.
00:27:04
Speaker 4: The program was probably a piece of shit to earn money.
00:27:08
Speaker 1: But that specific part of it is not. I agree with you. Like, there's nothing wrong with a little sketch to sis.
00:27:12
Speaker 4: Well, there's nothing wrong with trying to teach the kids if they approach with this type of conversation to say no. It's almost like telling your daughter when you go out to college, look, you don't just walk up and help nobody. You don't take rides from strangers. You don't take candy from people. You don't let people invest in you because they might want something back.
00:27:31
Speaker 3: Right. So it's just.
00:27:33
Speaker 4: It's really a learning technique. You know, you have to teach them. When somebody offer you drugs, what are you going to say?
00:27:39
Speaker 3: No.
00:27:39
Speaker 4: Like I tell my kids, don't open my fucking front door. You don't know who outside that door. But you have to keep constantly telling kids stuff because, you know, it slips their mind. So some of the program probably was some good. And the other part, they probably was just raising money on some bullshit. And then, you know, go out and target our community. Because let's be honest, was there in every school, white and black?
00:28:04
Speaker 3: Yes, it was.
00:28:05
Speaker 1: It was.
00:28:06
Speaker 2: But obviously, they had motivations when they were going to schools with certain demographics, a.k.a. the black ones and the brown ones. Like, I think they were still teaching the same program, but it was, like, the same schools.
00:28:16
Speaker 3: Let's say this.
00:28:17
Speaker 4: White people have problems, too. And I'm not taking up for the program. White people have problems, too.
00:28:22
Speaker 3: I don't know.
00:28:22
Speaker 1: It kind of sounds like you're taking up for the program, Ms.
00:28:24
Speaker 3: Pat.
00:28:24
Speaker 4: I'm just going to tell you. I live in an all-white neighborhood, and them bitches did meth. So, and my kids went to schools with these people, and Dara was in that school.
00:28:33
Speaker 3: Now, did they say, hey, little girl, don't you want some milk?
00:28:37
Speaker 4: I don't know if that skit was around, because it was white people. You know what I'm saying? So, I'm saying it was in every school. And I was a parent at the time, and I still am. And, I mean, I didn't know it was a piece of shit program, but.
00:28:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm not saying that. Obviously, they're not going in and like, here, we're going to give you all a little hit. And so, you know what to not do.
00:28:57
Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
00:28:58
Speaker 1: Like, it's not all sinister. I agree with you. It was like, some of this, at least surface level, looks like.
00:29:03
Speaker 3: Did they teach the same thing in every school system? Yeah.
00:29:06
Speaker 1: Now, the programs varied in length.
00:29:08
Speaker 2: And like depth, because sometimes you go to a 17 week program and there might be like homework, a workbook, a graduation ceremony.
00:29:15
Speaker 4: Well, how do they know that they didn't keep the kids out the drawers? Did they monitor the kids all the way to the first hit or crack or hit or mouth?
00:29:22
Speaker 2: I mean, I doubt that they was at the house like this is the lion. Get up, get off the crack like they don't know specifically. But statistic wise, they didn't see a decrease in use in that age group when they came out of school.
00:29:34
Speaker 3: Well, it's cool to be high.
00:29:36
Speaker 1: Depending on what.
00:29:37
Speaker 3: I mean, weed. Yeah.
00:29:39
Speaker 4: I don't know anybody who's just jumping on crack, but it's cool to smoke weed.
00:29:42
Speaker 3: Yeah, weed is fine. Among young kids.
00:29:43
Speaker 4: But it's like nobody's... No, I'm not saying that weed is fine. I'm just saying kids.
00:29:47
Speaker 3: Oh, I am.
00:29:48
Speaker 1: Not for the children. Not for the children. Not for the children.
00:29:51
Speaker 3: Okay. But like as.
00:29:53
Speaker 1: An adult, I live in California.
00:29:55
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's legal here. But you're going to get your ass whooped somewhere else. So that's all I'm saying. Oh, yeah.
00:29:59
Speaker 1: I'm not doing it in Texas, Georgia. This place is.
00:30:01
Speaker 3: I think Georgia... I think Texas is legal.
00:30:04
Speaker 2: No, we just rolled back our weed laws actually fairly recently. Yeah, they're trying to put us back all in prison, so, you know.
00:30:11
Speaker 3: In prison? Yeah.
00:30:12
Speaker 2: Like, weed is such an easy offense to put black and brown people in prison for that that's why Georgia ain't gonna give up, Texas ain't gonna give up, because.
00:30:19
Speaker 1: They love that.
00:30:20
Speaker 2: When we all know that it's statistically less harmful than alcohol, and also, if it's taxed, they wouldn't care about it.
00:30:28
Speaker 1: It's just ridiculous. Big Pharma... A lot more things are killing people than weed. But also weed just sounds attractive. Like I'm an adult. I'm not saying this for kids. Kids, very bad. Don't do weed. Gateway drug. Actually could be. But I remember gateway drug a lot.
00:30:41
Speaker 2: Like that made me think like if I tried a drug that it would open the door and the next thing I know I'd be on crack.
00:30:45
Speaker 3: No, it does. Because you went from smoking weed to lacing your joint.
00:30:51
Speaker 1: Oh no, not the laced joint.
00:30:53
Speaker 4: Yes.
00:30:55
Speaker 1: See, heard it here first.
00:30:56
Speaker 3: Ms.
00:30:56
Speaker 1: Pat, you should be doing D.A.R.E.
00:30:57
Speaker 4: Now.
00:30:57
Speaker 1: They need, like, an ethical D.A.R.E. person.
00:30:59
Speaker 2: I know you're very busy, but you can just throw this one on the schedule real quick, okay?
00:31:03
Speaker 1: Scams!
00:31:08
Speaker 3: Cards!
00:31:10
Speaker 2: So, um, throughout the length of the chorus, the D.A.R.E. box sits in the classroom. It's a shoebox where kids can drop anonymous notes informing the police about drug users they might know.
00:31:21
Speaker 4: Now, wait a fucking minute. You want these kids to tell on their mama and daddy, you sons of bitches? I would have beat my church and mother. My mama said, crack, you goddamn right I do in front of your school, and you're going to get your ass whooped for snitching.
00:31:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, they had a little snitch box. And I'm like, also, what do I get out of snitching?
00:31:44
Speaker 3: What do I get out of snitching? Nothing.
00:31:46
Speaker 4: They tried to program the kids and make them think that they were happy. But I'm going to ask my daughter. I'm going to ask her, I'm going to say, was there a snitch box?
00:31:53
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
00:31:54
Speaker 3: You know what they probably got in that box? My brother peed in the bed last night.
00:31:58
Speaker 1: Right.
00:31:59
Speaker 4: Yeah, my mama don't got no food. My daddy was yelling. He probably got everything except what a dope was.
00:32:05
Speaker 2: And I hope it was that legitimately, because kids do love to yap when they're in school. I love to see teachers like share on TikTok, like all the crazy things y'all kids said this week at school.
00:32:13
Speaker 1: And it'd be like, my mom slept with the fireman, but that's not my dad.
00:32:17
Speaker 2: Like, just volunteering this information.
00:32:19
Speaker 4: That's all that was in that box. And they eventually keep going. I want to hear this shit.
00:32:23
Speaker 3: Keep going.
00:32:24
Speaker 2: So LAPD used veteran police officers in their uniforms on purpose. They believe that the youth drug crisis was so advanced that students as young as the fifth grade were so savvy about drugs and drug culture that teachers couldn't handle it. Since cops had experience with the negative consequences of drug use, they had more credibility for this generation of supposed young drug geniuses. So they're saying like, oh, drugs, the kids are innovating with the drugs. And they couldn't just give the D.A.R.E. program to the teachers and let the teachers teach it. They're like, no, we need to have our veteran police officers come in in uniform.
00:32:59
Speaker 3: To scare the kids.
00:32:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, to scare the kids, you know, to make school feel even more like jail.
00:33:04
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:33:05
Speaker 2: So within a decade of its founding, D.A.R.E. became the largest and most visible drug prevention program in the United States. Officers came to Los Angeles to be trained in the delivery of D.A.R.E.
00:33:13
Speaker 1: Curriculum.
00:33:14
Speaker 2: So now we're becoming like the mecca for training for D.A.R.E. Almost like how, you know, there's a certain police academy training that happens in a certain country.
00:33:23
Speaker 3: So, Israel.
00:33:26
Speaker 4: Oh.
00:33:27
Speaker 1: Yeah, they train our cops there. Our police officers? Yeah. So D.A.R.E.
00:33:36
Speaker 2: Leaders also created a D.A.R.E. parent program. So each parent knew how they could check the signs to see if there was youth drug use and the best approach to dealing.
00:33:46
Speaker 1: With their kids who use drugs.
00:33:48
Speaker 3: D.A.R.E.
00:33:48
Speaker 2: Created a wide network that linked police, schools, parents, and all of them united against the terror of drugs. and alcohol and tobacco and graffiti and tattoos.
00:34:00
Speaker 1: Okay, I think we're getting broad, y'all. We got a little broad. I was wishing on drugs, alcohol, tobacco. Okay, graffiti.
00:34:07
Speaker 3: Tattoos. The fuck we doing with graffiti? Did you get high on graffiti? I did.
00:34:12
Speaker 1: Well, technically, you can't huff paint.
00:34:15
Speaker 3: I know you huff paint. My brother used to do it in a bread bag back in the day. Your brother was doing everything. Oh, I got three brothers. They was doing everything. Now they don't want to do it, it's drawn on the walls?
00:34:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, they say you can't draw on the walls.
00:34:27
Speaker 3: Well, I know you can't draw on the walls.
00:34:28
Speaker 1: Not even artistically.
00:34:29
Speaker 4: But they was sending dare out to lock up artists?
00:34:34
Speaker 3: God damn. Don't get no tattoo.
00:34:36
Speaker 2: Don't get you one of them little stars on your neck or something. What the fuck the tattoo got to do with it?
00:34:39
Speaker 3: I don't know.
00:34:40
Speaker 1: It got broad. It got broad.
00:34:42
Speaker 3: Dare didn't have shit to do.
00:34:43
Speaker 2: President Reagan started National Dare Day, a tradition that continued every year through the Obama presidency. Bill Clinton gave dare a shout out in his State.
00:34:53
Speaker 3: Of the Union. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
00:34:54
Speaker 1: Addressed in 96.
00:34:55
Speaker 2: Saying, I challenge Congress not to cut our support for drug-free schools.
00:35:00
Speaker 1: People like the D.A.R.E.
00:35:01
Speaker 2: Officers are making a real impression on grade school children that will give them the strength to say no when the time comes. Now, obviously, this is another way for police officers to get money.
00:35:10
Speaker 3: Smoking bad ain't never stop my sister from smoking crack. She lights it up.
00:35:13
Speaker 1: Did she smoke it in the forest, though?
00:35:16
Speaker 3: We black. We ain't been no forest.
00:35:17
Speaker 1: See, and that's all he wanted.
00:35:18
Speaker 3: You mean the woods?
00:35:19
Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah.
00:35:19
Speaker 3: Is the woods the forest? Yeah.
00:35:22
Speaker 1: Anywhere else is a lot of trees. Smokey was just like, don't smoke here.
00:35:26
Speaker 3: No. She smoked on the front porch.
00:35:28
Speaker 2: Smokey said, don't flick it over here in the woods.
00:35:30
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:35:30
Speaker 1: She was all right then. I feel like Smokey would look the other way.
00:35:33
Speaker 3: Look at this bitch.
00:35:34
Speaker 1: Smokey be like, this ain't none of my business.
00:35:36
Speaker 3: As long as you.
00:35:37
Speaker 1: Stay away from these forests, okay?
00:35:38
Speaker 3: We don't need these fires.
00:35:41
Speaker 2: And then also, like, obviously they're just trying to keep this money because I remember going to Coachella and the first time I saw, like, well, actually not the first time it was Coachella, but it was, like, some music festival that I was at where so many people, and it was definitely a lot of millennials, had on D.A.R.E. t-shirts and they were definitely, like, rolling or, like, high as hell. And it became, like, an irony thing where, like, people would wear D.A.R.E.
00:36:01
Speaker 1: T-shirts to, like, festivals that were, like, notorious for drug use, like, rape.
00:36:04
Speaker 3: Festivals and stuff.
00:36:06
Speaker 2: So... I don't know if we should have been giving the police all that money for this because I don't know if it worked.
00:36:10
Speaker 1: But I do love that shirt, though. The shirt ate. You know, the black shirt with the red dare letters.
00:36:16
Speaker 4: It's cute.
00:36:16
Speaker 3: I might have one at the house.
00:36:17
Speaker 1: Yeah, I may want it to a crop top.
00:36:19
Speaker 3: It really.
00:36:19
Speaker 1: I was going to wear it, but I was worried we might get in trouble.
00:36:23
Speaker 3: OK. All right. So keep telling us about dare. Shit, I didn't know. I hear some lying to us, y'all. How dare you?
00:36:33
Speaker 1: I didn't know you were going to be this personally invested in D.A.R.E.
00:36:35
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm hurting you. My kids grew up. And I thought it was a good program, but it's always black people who.
00:36:41
Speaker 4: Do their fucking research who ruins it for you.
00:36:45
Speaker 3: But keep going. Black people who can read.
00:36:49
Speaker 1: Are we talking about one black person in particular?
00:36:52
Speaker 4: You. You know, they don't like you smart black folks. But keep going, Susan, because I got to go tell somebody else D.A.R.E.
00:37:00
Speaker 3: Ain't shit. Oh, my gosh. So D.A.R.E.
00:37:03
Speaker 1: Officers embedded themselves into the communities. One officer coached a D.A.R.E. track club. Another coached a football team. Some even played Santa Claus and Rudolph during the holidays.
00:37:14
Speaker 3: Not in the hood.
00:37:15
Speaker 4: We don't fuck with no white Santa Claus. So that dare had to go to the mouth key. That dare often went to the mouth key. Ain't no white Santa Claus coming up.
00:37:22
Speaker 3: Ho, ho, ho. Ain't no more hoes around here. Grandma done retired. Fuck away from my dog. That's true.
00:37:27
Speaker 2: I mean, my grandma didn't even let me believe in Santa Claus. I remember I came home for Christmas one year and I was like, oh, what did Santa Claus give me?
00:37:34
Speaker 1: And my grandma was like, Ain't no white man breaking here and give you these gifts. Think I'm Santa Claus.
00:37:38
Speaker 3: And I was like, okay. Well, I wasn't told that. Thanks so much.
00:37:41
Speaker 4: Because there wasn't no such thing as Santa Claus. We didn't have a Christmas tree. One mom would take us to the Salvation Army. We used to call it Infant Soccer Fund. And we all got one toy. And she kept it the Christmas morning, threw it back in the flow. So that was Christmas for me.
00:37:55
Speaker 3: Wow.
00:37:56
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:37:56
Speaker 1: I'm glad you got y'all some gifts. That sounds like those Christmases were lean.
00:38:00
Speaker 4: And now?
00:38:01
Speaker 3: You didn't follow the story.
00:38:03
Speaker 1: Did I miss it?
00:38:04
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:38:05
Speaker 3: The government gave us one toy.
00:38:07
Speaker 4: And you're going to say it was lame?
00:38:12
Speaker 1: I was trying to be appropriate. I was trying to have an empathetic moment. I felt very touching.
00:38:21
Speaker 3: I thought I was okay.
00:38:23
Speaker 1: I missed it.
00:38:23
Speaker 3: I wasn't lame, nigga. We didn't get shit. It was empty. The fuck are you talking about? Oh, that was lame.
00:38:32
Speaker 4: All this new swag. This swag you talking about. Keep going about that.
00:38:36
Speaker 3: That's the shit I can relate to. That was nice. Your Christmas would lean.
00:38:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, lean and empty.
00:38:49
Speaker 3: Well, my bad, Chad. Okay, damn. My bad. I'm sorry.
00:38:53
Speaker 4: I can't hear for her to read to me. That's what she doing.
00:38:57
Speaker 1: That's why I told you you can interrupt at any time. We don't have to talk about this the whole time.
00:39:00
Speaker 3: We can move. We can talk about anything. We're just talking about your Christmas.
00:39:03
Speaker 1: Okay? You acting like I'm torturing you.
00:39:06
Speaker 2: I know you over there looking at the clock just like I am.
00:39:08
Speaker 3: You're like, yeah, keep reading the story. Hurry up. Read it faster. How much more reading you got to do? Feel the clock. right there.
00:39:13
Speaker 2: And I done seen Miss Pat look at this damn clock at least 11 times.
00:39:16
Speaker 4: Oh, I haven't even noticed that clock. I'm looking at the camera because I want to make sure you get these facial expressions.
00:39:21
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, we definitely need these facial expressions, okay?
00:39:23
Speaker 3: Because we know you are.
00:39:24
Speaker 4: Okay, well, keep going because you got about 18 cars and they ain't going to be there that goddamn long.
00:39:27
Speaker 1: We've gone through most of this.
00:39:30
Speaker 3: Okay. Where we at?
00:39:31
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:39:31
Speaker 3: Oh, yeah.
00:39:32
Speaker 1: That's all we got left. You good.
00:39:33
Speaker 3: Praise the Lord. I hate to be read, too. Wow.
00:39:38
Speaker 1: See, that's why I said we was not going to do that the whole time.
00:39:40
Speaker 3: But you know what? You know what? You the one brought this motherfucking problem.
00:39:42
Speaker 4: You know, when you said scams, I thought we were going to be talking about folks running out of altar with shit, Walmart shit. I didn't know you were going to be talking about the white people scam. Who gives a fuck how white people steal? They talk about some nigga shit.
00:39:54
Speaker 3: How do we steal? Fuck how they steal. They steal big time.
00:39:58
Speaker 4: I'm talking about the bitches who run out of the altar with bunnies on their heads, with their kids jumping in the car.
00:40:05
Speaker 3: That's the good shit.
00:40:05
Speaker 1: You ordered the boosters.
00:40:07
Speaker 4: No, I want that kind of crime. You don't put somebody in an educated fucking crime. This white man don't create this fake-ass organization.
00:40:13
Speaker 3: Who cares? Don't be doing skits with the kids. I'm about to give a fuck about him. White people know how to fucking steal, but you got to give it to them. That's going to be even more fucking.
00:40:22
Speaker 1: Do you want me to get you some more coke? Because you're drinking nothing.
00:40:25
Speaker 3: I know.
00:40:26
Speaker 2: Do we have some more?
00:40:29
Speaker 1: Can we get her some coke?
00:40:31
Speaker 3: While you're talking shit, I got some stuck in the straw.
00:40:35
Speaker 1: I don't see you take two sips of air. And I was like, okay.
00:40:39
Speaker 3: That is my fucking ass. That is Ashley.
00:40:42
Speaker 1: You're going to be burping at this.
00:40:43
Speaker 3: It's in the straw.
00:40:44
Speaker 1: Why you trying to catch me? Why you trying to make me look poor like we can't get you no more?
00:40:48
Speaker 3: Like we can't get you some more? I'm sorry, baby. How you doing? Working the shit out of this little white man. What's your name? You her husband? You are? That's your husband? No, he's a husband. Oh, I was like, damn, you've been talking all this white shit. You fucking white man. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Josh.
00:41:09
Speaker 4: But you've been talking all these white crimes and you up there sucking clear dick.
00:41:13
Speaker 1: Clear dick is crazy. Clear dick is crazy.
00:41:17
Speaker 3: But no, I am not. Josh, we love y'all. Y'all are good white people.
00:41:22
Speaker 4: You know, I was on the Internet the other day and I saw the funniest shit.
00:41:26
Speaker 3: Now, you know, we y'all just got one word for us. That's the N word. But this black girl came up with the funniest fucking shit to call white people.
00:41:33
Speaker 1: What'd she say?
00:41:34
Speaker 3: She called them porcelain. Give me my phone. I want to get it right. It's so fucking funny.
00:41:40
Speaker 1: Wasn't like mayo sapiens?
00:41:42
Speaker 3: No, I don't mayo. Porcelain. The shit she called these white people had me hollering. I love this.
00:41:49
Speaker 4: And I took a picture of it. That's how much it... I mean, I had to show like 10 people. I said, this bitch is racist.
00:41:55
Speaker 3: Oh, no. But it was the good shit. It was the good shit, though. Yeah, let me see.
00:42:00
Speaker 4: I'm going to go down the list of what she called them. Not y'all, because y'all are good white people, okay? This is the bad white people. You know, when y'all see them at Thanksgiving and shit.
00:42:10
Speaker 1: Y'all do be seeing them at Thanksgiving.
00:42:11
Speaker 3: That's true.
00:42:12
Speaker 1: They do be at Thanksgiving.
00:42:13
Speaker 3: Do you see them at Thanksgiving?
00:42:14
Speaker 1: You don't have to answer that. We know the answer, though.
00:42:18
Speaker 3: We do know the answer. Do they be seeing them at? Oh, here you go. So here's the new words for white people. Porcelain possums. Wow.
00:42:26
Speaker 4: Wow. Ranch Raccoons, Lice Landlord, Clan Child of Crusaders, Milk Maggots, Confederate Cousin Fuckers, Fucking Harlot.
00:42:40
Speaker 2: It was so nice having a podcast on the iHeart Network.
00:42:44
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm sorry, you iHeart.
00:42:45
Speaker 1: I really want to thank Will Ferrell for this opportunity.
00:42:48
Speaker 2: I want to thank all the porcelain possums.
00:42:54
Speaker 3: Did they give you this podcast?
00:42:56
Speaker 1: Please keep listening to the show. Well, cut this shit.
00:42:58
Speaker 4: Out, bitch.
00:42:59
Speaker 3: I don't want you to be unemployed. No, I fucking love it. No, I'm joking. I say whatever I want.
00:43:03
Speaker 1: That's the benefit. That's why they like me over here. No, the white people who listen to this know. They know the vibes.
00:43:07
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't want the porcelain possum to make you unemployed. Oh, no, no, no. You be an unemployed coon.
00:43:11
Speaker 1: They don't listen to this.
00:43:12
Speaker 3: They don't listen to this.
00:43:13
Speaker 1: They don't listen to this, okay?
00:43:14
Speaker 3: I don't want you to be no unemployed coon.
00:43:16
Speaker 1: No, the ones who listen, they know. They listening like, ooh.
00:43:20
Speaker 3: She started talking. She didn't get it. I heard it. I heard it.
00:43:23
Speaker 1: I was trying to move past it.
00:43:24
Speaker 3: And you know you like a little coon with that little hat on.
00:43:30
Speaker 4: Ms.
00:43:30
Speaker 2: Patton just invited me to my own roast. She talking about, I'm scabby. You scabby be.
00:43:34
Speaker 1: You done hit me with a one, two, three combo. I'm like, I'm out.
00:43:38
Speaker 3: I'm out. No, you're not.
00:43:41
Speaker 1: They done counted me down. I'm laying on the ground.
00:43:43
Speaker 3: You're not out. You like people's elbows. Tell them, Jared and... Leave it in butthead. Tell them. She got Beavis and Butthead in this bitch. Oh, God. They so cute, Beavis and Butthead. You know what?
00:44:02
Speaker 1: And I'm going to get you where you want to go on this one, okay? Because I'd rather just let you go.
00:44:08
Speaker 3: I enjoy y'all, Beavis and Butthead. Y'all so cute, guys.
00:44:10
Speaker 4: Oh, Lord.
00:44:10
Speaker 3: And welcome to the other side anytime. Anytime you want to.
00:44:13
Speaker 4: Come over here and get you some black love and not from me because my menopause got one side dry.
00:44:18
Speaker 3: But I find somebody.
00:44:20
Speaker 1: And I love this for you.
00:44:22
Speaker 3: You do? Do you date white men?
00:44:25
Speaker 1: Uh, I haven't in the past.
00:44:27
Speaker 3: Maybe. You don't look like that type. Define date.
00:44:29
Speaker 4: You know why you, well, it's hard today to educate a black woman, especially when you, what's that crazy bitch on Fox News?
00:44:35
Speaker 1: It could be so many different women.
00:44:37
Speaker 3: The black one. Yeah.
00:44:39
Speaker 1: Oh, Candace Owens?
00:44:39
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:44:39
Speaker 3: Do they let her on Fox? I think she just on the internet. Well, she on the internet now. They don't like her no more. They don't use her. They don't cool down. Yeah, they don't use her. But, um, I like an educated black woman.
00:44:48
Speaker 1: But I know you're not comparing me to Candace Owens, right?
00:44:50
Speaker 3: No, no. Fuck no. No, that ass.
00:44:53
Speaker 1: You don't have to call me a coot to say I'm in a cool-skinned hat now.
00:44:55
Speaker 3: You got Willie in your house. She would never wear weave.
00:44:57
Speaker 4: Candace Owens don't wear no fucking weave. That little short bob, thin in the back.
00:45:03
Speaker 3: No.
00:45:04
Speaker 1: Oh, it is desperate.
00:45:05
Speaker 3: She's beautiful, though. Let's be honest. Candace Owens be talking that bullshit, but she is a beautiful black woman.
00:45:11
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, she's very pretty.
00:45:11
Speaker 3: She's a very beautiful black woman.
00:45:13
Speaker 2: And I think she got somebody to fix what's going on with the box perm, because it's starting to get a little fuller.
00:45:18
Speaker 1: The hair.
00:45:18
Speaker 3: I think a little bit. I just don't look at her, but she is a beautiful black woman.
00:45:21
Speaker 1: She's popped up on my timeline a couple, you know, TikToks.
00:45:23
Speaker 3: Every time she popped up, I blocked her. But keep going.
00:45:25
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, she used to be a liberal. She used to be a Democrat.
00:45:28
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:45:28
Speaker 2: It wasn't making her no money because it's too many dedicated... Evil place.
00:45:33
Speaker 3: Evil. When you be evil, you make more money.
00:45:35
Speaker 4: Have you noticed the black people come out and talk that bullshit? They be on the internet with so many.
00:45:40
Speaker 3: More lights than y'all be saying, go vote blue. You know, y'all don't make no money. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm a diehard Democrat. I would vote no other fucking way. Sad. But, you know, the thing is with that, who would want to roll with just one type of people? I love being black. Black people are beautiful.
00:45:57
Speaker 4: And I'm not saying not to like who the fuck you are. If you think you're racist and shit, that's okay with me. But black is beautiful. You rub cocoa butter on us, and we shine like a motherfucking coffee table. No other race can shine the way we motherfucking shine. We the only group of people in this world that can wear anything and make it sell and make it look good. We are the shit. And I'm not saying if you white not to love yourself. Love your motherfucking self. But I got to say this. If I were any other race but white but black, I'd be mad at black people too.
00:46:34
Speaker 3: Period. Yeah.
00:46:35
Speaker 4: Who the fuck would be mad at somebody who shine like a coffee table?
00:46:39
Speaker 1: Like a coffee table is crazy.
00:46:40
Speaker 3: I don't give a fuck how much oil you put on Beavis and Bullhead. You don't want to say like the sun. Beavis and Bullhead, they're going to never shine. They're going to never shine.
00:46:49
Speaker 4: And then you know how much tan and lotion they got on right now, and we in the darkness, motherfucker.
00:46:53
Speaker 3: These are facts. Yes. But we love y'all, Beavis and Bullhead. But, you know, they not yet. We're beautiful. We're beautiful.
00:47:02
Speaker 1: This is why I love you.
00:47:03
Speaker 4: Everybody else is beautiful too, but it's just something. I love being black.
00:47:08
Speaker 3: I do too. I do. It's a beautiful thing. I rather enjoy it. We walk in the room and they be, you know what I like saying, not knocking anybody else. I love saying I'm 54 years old. They be like, how? I said, I don't know, bitch. You got to take that up with your Lord. You two look good. It is a flex. It is a flex.
00:47:25
Speaker 1: I'm not going to lie.
00:47:26
Speaker 3: White women are beautiful, too. They are beautiful.
00:47:28
Speaker 1: I know what you're saying. I think people know what you're saying.
00:47:30
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yes. And you know what?
00:47:32
Speaker 1: I'm going to try to get you out of here with this reading so you can just go off here.
00:47:35
Speaker 3: I let you talk. I'm sick of your motherfucking reading.
00:47:37
Speaker 4: I know.
00:47:37
Speaker 3: That's why I'm about to wrap up the reading. I'm about to go to sleep. I'm literally about to wrap up the reading so we can get to our final thoughts. Do you still have on period?
00:47:45
Speaker 1: Huh?
00:47:46
Speaker 3: Do you still have a period?
00:47:47
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm quite young, Ms.
00:47:49
Speaker 4: Pat.
00:47:49
Speaker 3: Oh, okay. Well, I'm in menopause. Let's talk about some other shit. I'm getting roasted. This is just... No, I.
00:47:54
Speaker 4: Don't want to hear this motherfucking damn. You read to a read make me sleepy. I'm going to fall asleep four times over here. I told you that you could interject at any time. I can't interject if I sleep, bitch.
00:48:05
Speaker 3: Stop reading. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of it. Take that motherfucking cuckoo hat off and let's just talk. Shit. I need another coke. And some cane. Scams. Cards. I ain't coming here to hear that motherfucking educate. I hate educating black women. You take these bitches out.
00:48:29
Speaker 4: Of the room, they'll never shut up.
00:48:34
Speaker 3: The last time.
00:48:35
Speaker 1: Is them lemons real behind you?
00:48:36
Speaker 3: No.
00:48:37
Speaker 1: Oh. The last time that I had an episode like this, it was.
00:48:41
Speaker 3: Oh, my gosh. They didn't want you to read to them, did they?
00:48:43
Speaker 1: No, it was, you know her, too, and it's not coming to me. It'll come to me, and I'll tell you who it is. Yes, it was Luenell.
00:48:49
Speaker 3: Oh, it'd be great.
00:48:51
Speaker 2: And Luenell was like, I don't want to hear about no fucking boat. And I was like, the story's about a boat, Luenell.
00:48:56
Speaker 3: I don't know. I hate boats.
00:48:58
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay.
00:48:59
Speaker 3: We fucking old. We going through menopause. We got short-term memory. I'm aching. I'm sleeping like a motherfucker. Then you up here reading me this bullshit. You don't know how many times.
00:49:07
Speaker 4: I was like, this bitch talk too much. That's what I was saying to myself. I can't be reading a bedtime story.
00:49:12
Speaker 3: I could sense it.
00:49:13
Speaker 4: I ain't my mama couldn't read. So you definitely, I don't want to hear no bedtime story. Shit, my girl is too big.
00:49:20
Speaker 3: I'm tired.
00:49:22
Speaker 4: It's all the shit I dealt. That could be happening. And you want to read to a nigga about a program that went out of bed?
00:49:27
Speaker 3: Fuck that. And the nigga named Darryl created it too.
00:49:31
Speaker 1: Well, I'm going to wrap up what they said so you ain't going to be no more reading. So in 88... But do we.
00:49:35
Speaker 3: Have to hear this bullshit at night? Yes, my fans want to hear it. Let me read the shit. Okay. You better read all of it. Now read from the top.
00:49:43
Speaker 4: In 1988, Department of Justice down, manual said in addition to their former classroom teacher, their officer spent.
00:49:50
Speaker 3: Time on the playground... In.
00:49:52
Speaker 4: The cafeteria and at the student assembly and intake with student and fucking the teachers.
00:49:58
Speaker 3: Fucking the teachers.
00:50:00
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:50:01
Speaker 3: They be fucking the teachers. You didn't say that on there.
00:50:04
Speaker 4: Well, I'm saying that. I saw him in the bathroom. It's so much better when I read it. Are you so fucking bored? Their officer were both good cops and bad cops all in one. Cause all them niggas did was eat donuts and told the children lies about drugs and put that shitty ass box out there to try to make them kids tell on they kingpin daddies. And it did not happen.
00:50:26
Speaker 3: It didn't work.
00:50:27
Speaker 4: In 1990, LAPD Chief Darrell testified to Congress that the casual drug user ought to be taken out and shot.
00:50:38
Speaker 3: And shot.
00:50:38
Speaker 4: But he didn't say nothing about the white pedophiles running around this motherfucker sticking their.
00:50:43
Speaker 1: Thumbs in these white kids' ass. That's not on the card.
00:50:48
Speaker 3: That's there. Now, wasn't that better? Well, guys. Didn't that bullshit she about to tell her?
00:50:55
Speaker 2: $ 600 million a year to the American taxpayer.
00:50:58
Speaker 1: How much?
00:51:00
Speaker 3: $ 600 million. $ 600 million. They know how to steal.
00:51:03
Speaker 2: They do know how to steal. And they were doing it in a way that Ms. Pat doesn't care about. Uh, you know, they said just say no.
00:51:08
Speaker 3: Yeah, that shit do me.
00:51:08
Speaker 4: I don't pay no tax. I was on Section 8 when that program was around. My shit was free.
00:51:13
Speaker 3: Give a fuck about no tax. I ain't pay no motherfucking tax. I got a tax refund, bitch. I got earned income credit when Dara was out. I didn't give a fuck. I ain't pay shit into Dara. Dara pay me.
00:51:24
Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness.
00:51:26
Speaker 3: Excuse me for burping. Oh, Lord. I don't got to pay again and burp at the same time. Well, I will tell you this.
00:51:34
Speaker 1: It was called the biggest fraud.
00:51:35
Speaker 2: The thing was called the biggest fraud in America.
00:51:37
Speaker 3: And the shit I was doing too was, my section 8, I had a husband and everything, child. My room was still free.
00:51:42
Speaker 1: And listen, that's none of anybody's business but yours and your home.
00:51:45
Speaker 4: And that was their business until you told this goddamn podcast.
00:51:49
Speaker 1: Well, we don't need to be giving D.A.R.E. money, period, okay?
00:51:51
Speaker 3: I ain't giving nobody money.
00:51:52
Speaker 4: D.A.R.E.
00:51:52
Speaker 3: Needs to do something real. D.A.R.E. What?
00:51:54
Speaker 1: No, that's what I'm saying. The D.A.R.E. program needs to do something real. They playing.
00:51:58
Speaker 3: What?
00:51:58
Speaker 1: And they were also, like, making kids narcs.
00:52:00
Speaker 2: A 91- and 11-year-old girl named Crystal confessed that her parents liked to smoke weed from time to time.
00:52:05
Speaker 1: The office oppressed her.
00:52:07
Speaker 2: And found the schedules of her parents, the layout of her house, and then the police raided her home, arrested her parents, and took Crystal and her younger sisters to a distant relative house without making sure for any care beforehand. They just, like, Crystal was pressured by the police.
00:52:21
Speaker 4: And Crystal got that ass whooped for telling her mama business when she got back. I guarantee you, Crystal got that ass tapped.
00:52:27
Speaker 3: Next time you.
00:52:28
Speaker 4: Tell a motherfucker what I'm getting high, you little black motherfucker, Crystal ain't never told nobody else.
00:52:33
Speaker 3: I guarantee you that. Where you at, Crystal?
00:52:37
Speaker 4: Crystal's down bad. There ain't no Crystal down bad. Crystal got that ass beat after that mama got her back.
00:52:42
Speaker 3: She beat that ass. She beat that ass.
00:52:44
Speaker 4: And I'd have beat Crystal's ass, too. And I'd have beat her sister's ass, even though she didn't tell.
00:52:47
Speaker 1: I just feel like, Crystal, you're 11 years old.
00:52:50
Speaker 2: You're kind of big enough to know that you should never give anybody the layout of your home and your parents' schedules.
00:52:56
Speaker 1: Like, what did you think? How did you think that was going to help you?
00:52:58
Speaker 4: That girl did not give nobody no layout of the home. Don't believe that white folk shit. You ever heard of something called the county? The county has the layout of every home that ever been built in this country. Them motherfucking white people went down there to the county and put in their address, and it gave them the layout of the home.
00:53:14
Speaker 3: At the tax assessor office. That baby don't know no layout of no motherfucking home.
00:53:19
Speaker 4: They went and pulled that shit, and busted in there that Krista might have said, it's in my mama's room, that room right there on the right.
00:53:25
Speaker 3: That's all Krista said.
00:53:26
Speaker 1: Like, maybe it was on the left or on the right.
00:53:28
Speaker 3: I'm not saying she pulled.
00:53:29
Speaker 1: Out a floor map like she was in Ocean's Eleven, and she was like, now we go on the perimeter, and then we move through the back door.
00:53:36
Speaker 4: Did Krista get paid? Because had Krista got paid, I would have told her my mama, too.
00:53:39
Speaker 3: It was the 80s. Shit was rough. It was hard for a nigga to get some candy. Yeah, so shit.
00:53:45
Speaker 2: Okay, you can't rat your mama out for the candy lady now.
00:53:47
Speaker 3: That's not enough. Shit.
00:53:50
Speaker 4: You don't know what Krista was going through, but I can guarantee you when Krista got back, Krista got the fuck beat out of her, and she ain't telling to this day.
00:53:56
Speaker 3: Where you at, Krista?
00:53:57
Speaker 4: Call into this podcast and tell her how your ass felt in 1988.
00:54:00
Speaker 3: When you ran your fucking mouth too much. Lord Jesus. I bet that black mama beat the shit out of Krista. Her name was just Rusta. She beat the C off that motherfucker when he got in the.
00:54:11
Speaker 1: World.
00:54:12
Speaker 4: Because the way I ought to be a motherfucker, they have to tell my motherfucking bitch. You know black mamas will tell you, bitch, what goes on in this house stays in this house. You say something outside that door, I'll beat the fuck out of you. I will beat them motherfucking hairballs out your head. I tell moms all the time, don't play with me, playing your pussy is more interesting.
00:54:29
Speaker 1: Well, and that's a proverb. That is a.
00:54:31
Speaker 3: What the fuck is a proverb? It should go with the education shit. Proverbs. Oh, my gosh.
00:54:37
Speaker 1: Miss Pat.
00:54:38
Speaker 3: Is that like a noun, a pronoun?
00:54:41
Speaker 1: No, so a proverb is like a phrase, like a saying, like a wisdom phrase.
00:54:44
Speaker 4: Oh.
00:54:45
Speaker 3: There ain't no noun, verb.
00:54:46
Speaker 1: No, like proverbs, like African proverbs, or like, you know, like.
00:54:50
Speaker 3: I'm African-American.
00:54:51
Speaker 1: I'm African-American, too. I'm just black.
00:54:53
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
00:54:53
Speaker 1: It's just phrases that people say. I'm trying to think of one, like a bird in one hand is worth two in the bush. That's a proverb.
00:55:00
Speaker 3: That's a saying.
00:55:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, same shit.
00:55:02
Speaker 3: Now I tell you something, you need to educate shit on me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You know what? Don't fuck you in a proper way. They be saying that shit in church.
00:55:11
Speaker 1: I've been bested, and I had a feeling that I would be.
00:55:14
Speaker 3: What is bested?
00:55:15
Speaker 1: I said bested.
00:55:16
Speaker 3: Bested.
00:55:17
Speaker 1: Like, you have bested me. I knew I was going to come in here and get my ass whooped.
00:55:20
Speaker 3: See, this is what I'm going to tell the young people, because they talk French.
00:55:22
Speaker 1: That's a regular word.
00:55:23
Speaker 3: That ain't no... I never heard no... Bested. Your best friend? Bested.
00:55:26
Speaker 1: Like, B-S-T-E-D.
00:55:28
Speaker 3: That is a regular word. I ain't never in my life heard that word. That wasn't on my GED test. Okay, B, stone. Beavis and Bullhead, y'all over here are bested. Beavis and Butthead said.
00:55:40
Speaker 4: You talking that nigga shit.
00:55:42
Speaker 1: They're never going to work with me again.
00:55:44
Speaker 3: We love y'all.
00:55:45
Speaker 4: Beavis and Butthead said, they never heard that nigga shit. You talking that bullshit right now. Don't be scared to speak up, Beavis and Butthead.
00:55:51
Speaker 3: She going to pay y'all. Oh, my God.
00:55:53
Speaker 1: One of the final thoughts that I have on this is like, this program doesn't work.
00:55:56
Speaker 4: Next week, do not let them call y'all Beavis and Butthead because that's my name for y'all.
00:56:00
Speaker 1: Nobody's never going to do that, Ms.
00:56:01
Speaker 3: Pat. Nobody's ever going to do that.
00:56:03
Speaker 4: Okay, that's my name for them when I come back. And y'all invited to the barbecue. Okay, and if you ever looking for some black coochie, not for sale, hit me up.
00:56:11
Speaker 3: Not for sale. Not me personally, but I know somebody.
00:56:15
Speaker 1: But not for sale.
00:56:17
Speaker 3: They got no money. Dude, they look like they got sponsors. They got no new balances. They got no money. They got no money. Ain't nobody says no white man don't put no New Balance on. You never know.
00:56:30
Speaker 1: They be wearing some New Balances sometimes to be, you know, like.
00:56:33
Speaker 3: A tech bros being. They don't wear a fly New Balance. You know what I don't like.
00:56:37
Speaker 1: About white men. You don't have to get off my team, Ms.
00:56:39
Speaker 3: Payne.
00:56:39
Speaker 4: You know what I hate about white men? Y'all tie y'all shoes too tight. That shit hurts the shit out of me. They tie their shoes like they about to take off running. I'd be like, why the fuck your shoe? Why you do that to the tongue on your shoe? Your tongue can't breathe.
00:56:56
Speaker 1: Miss Pat.
00:56:58
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm sorry.
00:57:00
Speaker 1: What are your final thoughts on the D.A.R.E.
00:57:02
Speaker 3: Program?
00:57:03
Speaker 1: I will say mine are that it's ineffective. It costs way too much money.
00:57:06
Speaker 3: We ain't talking about that shit no more.
00:57:08
Speaker 2: We're just wrapping it up.
00:57:09
Speaker 1: I'm not going to read nothing else. I'm not reading anything else.
00:57:13
Speaker 3: I have fucked the D.A.R.E.
00:57:14
Speaker 1: Program.
00:57:15
Speaker 3: All right. Are we talking about the other shit? You don't went back there and bullshit.
00:57:19
Speaker 1: You're talking about my engineers.
00:57:21
Speaker 3: My poor engineers. I love y'all Beavis and Bullhead. They laughing.
00:57:26
Speaker 1: You just thought they was in there kicking it?
00:57:27
Speaker 2: No, I brought us a white beer for some flavor.
00:57:30
Speaker 3: No, there ain't no flavor.
00:57:32
Speaker 1: I set myself up for that.
00:57:33
Speaker 3: I set myself up for that. No, I know they work for you. Oh, my goodness. Who you thought I thought? What you thought I thought? No, I didn't think that. Excuse me. I didn't think that. I'm a fan. This shit come out slow.
00:57:47
Speaker 2: No, you've been sucking up air in an empty straw when that Coke was gone.
00:57:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'm silently farting like your president.
00:57:52
Speaker 4: You just can't hear it.
00:57:58
Speaker 3: Well, Ms.
00:57:59
Speaker 1: Pat, thank you for coming on this show.
00:58:01
Speaker 3: No, thank you for having me. I had a good time.
00:58:03
Speaker 1: Wait, I don't know if you did.
00:58:04
Speaker 3: For the first 20 minutes, I was sick of you. I ain't going to lie. Okay. I said, this bitch is going to read all these cards. Oh, my God. She's going to kill me and read all these goddamn cards. I told you, interrupt. Interrupt. Ain't no interrupt.
00:58:15
Speaker 4: You shouldn't even bring nobody and read all them goddamn cards, but you like to read.
00:58:19
Speaker 3: But next time, just have a conversation. Next time, we just get some food. Ain't that right, babies?
00:58:25
Speaker 4: Hey.
00:58:25
Speaker 3: Hey.
00:58:27
Speaker 1: Next time I will change.
00:58:28
Speaker 3: We're going to get some food, and we're going to sit down and eat. We're going to be listening to all that bullshit. Next time I have.
00:58:33
Speaker 1: You on the podcast, I will completely change the whole format.
00:58:35
Speaker 3: Fuck six years.
00:58:36
Speaker 1: I will change the whole format.
00:58:37
Speaker 3: Six years? What's six years?
00:58:38
Speaker 1: I'm doing this podcast.
00:58:40
Speaker 3: Oh, okay.
00:58:41
Speaker 2: I will change the whole format, okay? Because I don't want you to be bored that you are an icon, okay? I don't want to bore my icons, okay? I said I got to do something.
00:58:49
Speaker 1: I know you're going to get out here and talk cash shit about me.
00:58:52
Speaker 3: You and Lou Neal. I got to work on my.
00:58:54
Speaker 2: my women of that age group stand-up comic.
00:58:58
Speaker 3: Yeah, because you can't be boring her.
00:58:59
Speaker 4: We got short tempers. I mean, it spans, whatever the fuck it called. We can't stay asleep that long. I mean, awake that long.
00:59:06
Speaker 1: Your Freudian slips are just like, I got short temper.
00:59:09
Speaker 3: I can't sleep.
00:59:10
Speaker 1: Asleep that long.
00:59:10
Speaker 3: I can't stay awake or sleep. Shit, I'm tired of the motherfucker. My panty line need to be changed right now. Oh, well, you know what?
00:59:18
Speaker 2: We're going to get you right on to changing that. But first, where would you like to be found? Anything you want to promote? Socials, whatever that be.
00:59:23
Speaker 4: If you're not buying dope, I'm on Instagram and all the social media at Miss Pat Comedy.
00:59:29
Speaker 3: I'm sorry. I mean, Comedian Ms.
00:59:31
Speaker 1: Pat.
00:59:31
Speaker 3: I'm about to give you my motherfucking email. I mean, my website.
00:59:34
Speaker 4: It's MsPatCompany.com to go and get my book. That's my book right there.
00:59:38
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:59:39
Speaker 3: Come out. It's out now. When does it come out?
00:59:43
Speaker 4: It's out now. Also, you go to Comedian Ms. Pat and it's spelled like a girl. C-O-M-E-D-I-E-N-N-E. Something like that.
00:59:52
Speaker 3: M-S-P-A-T. Go to Ms.
00:59:53
Speaker 4: Pat and get everything you need. Don't come to my page talking shit to me because I talk bad. I will cuss you the fuck out and your mama. And I'm going to look up your tree and they got ADHD. And I'm going to call it so screwed off and tell them that your child don't need that chick. So don't fuck with me playing your vagina.
01:00:07
Speaker 3: I'm one of the kids with ADHD. You got, you got, huh? You got ADHD?
01:00:11
Speaker 2: Yes. You said that like it was a terminal illness.
01:00:15
Speaker 3: It is. What kind of ADHD you got? Like AUADHD, yeah. How do you know you got ADHD?
01:00:25
Speaker 1: I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.
01:00:27
Speaker 3: Well, why did they diagnose you?
01:00:29
Speaker 1: Because of the symptoms.
01:00:31
Speaker 3: What was your symptom? All of them.
01:00:33
Speaker 4: Dare? What?
01:00:34
Speaker 3: Dare.
01:00:35
Speaker 2: I didn't do a drug and then get ADHD.
01:00:39
Speaker 3: Okay, RFK, listen. What was your symptom? No, there's tons of symptoms of.
01:00:44
Speaker 1: ADHD, like easily distracted, loss of executive function. You really want me to list all of them?
01:00:50
Speaker 3: Wait a minute, what's this loss of what?
01:00:52
Speaker 1: Loss of executive function.
01:00:54
Speaker 3: What is loss of executive function? You went paralyzed?
01:00:56
Speaker 2: No, executive function is like the part of your brain that makes you do tasks. And so when you have ADHD, tasks seem harder. You don't want to do them or you start them and you don't finish them. Or, you know what I mean?
01:01:06
Speaker 3: Or in that case, the motherfucking world got ADHD.
01:01:09
Speaker 2: There's a lot more things, but I don't have to list them off here. That's not what we're here for. You've done an amazing job, Ms.
01:01:15
Speaker 4: Pat.
01:01:16
Speaker 1: And now people know that, fuck their.
01:01:17
Speaker 3: You know, back in the day, if your executive, what you call it?
01:01:21
Speaker 1: Executive function?
01:01:22
Speaker 4: If you had executive function at work, they called you retarded. But thank God he got a different diagnosis.
01:01:27
Speaker 2: Oh, my God, you sound like that Baltimore mayor guy. Neighborhood produce.
01:01:32
Speaker 3: Oh, Lord, Ms.
01:01:34
Speaker 4: Pat.
01:01:34
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here.
01:01:36
Speaker 3: Thank you for having me, Scam God.
01:01:37
Speaker 4: Yes.
01:01:38
Speaker 3: Oh, my gosh.
01:01:39
Speaker 4: I thought she was going to be talking about some black scams. She be telling on the white people. She be telling on the white people. And the next episode, I don't know who going to be up, but I'm going to be it.
01:01:50
Speaker 2: Well, as always, you can find me at D-I-V-A-L-A-C-I-D Valencia on all platforms.
01:01:55
Speaker 1: If you want to follow the show and look at all of our great D.A.R.E. graphics. If you care about D.A.R.E.
01:01:59
Speaker 2: More than Miss Pat, you can go on Scam Goddess Pod on any profile and you'll see clips, videos.
01:02:05
Speaker 1: And all of this.
01:02:06
Speaker 2: You can get my book, Scam Goddess, wherever books are sold, and you can stream the first season of Scam Goddess on Hulu right now, along with Going Dutch and, oh, God, iCarly and so many shows. Watch the TV shows, guys. Thank you so much. And give us five stars on Apple, okay? Dare to give us.
01:02:21
Speaker 1: Five stars, okay? And congregation, stay daring.