WEBVTT
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What's going on everybody?
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Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out.
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Because, let's be honest, guys, we don't.
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I'm Connor Sykes, and with me, as always, is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart.
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And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel.
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There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means.
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And we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world.
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What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between.
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So without further ado, let's get into it.
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Hey, welcome back to the Raising Arrows Podcast.
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As always, Connor Sykes alongside Scott Stewart.
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Welcome.
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We are super excited.
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Today we're talking about what it means to multiply our responsibility as parents.
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A topic that I am not yet familiar with, but we have one of the best, if not the best.
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Hopefully soon, but if not one of the best people to talk about what it means to raise two kids.
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You flatter me.
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Two what would the world call them?
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Hellraisers.
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So we'll call them heaven raisers.
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Two heaven raisers, two kids that are amazing.
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We love your family.
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We love your kids.
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They are both phenomenal.
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Thank you.
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But a lot of that does have to do with you and Haley and how intentional you've been with raising them the right way.
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So we're pretty great.
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Yeah.
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Oh, for sure.
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I think many of us would agree.
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But that's why I'm excited to talk because I think it's always important that people who are a little bit of ahead of you have a chance to speak into that.
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And so I'm excited to learn, even myself, from you and you guys as we continue to see how God uses you guys as parents.
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So we'll jump into a no pressure.
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No pressure.
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No pressure.
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We'll jump into the Bible because we always love leading with God's word, just providing a verse of encouragement to you in the season you're in.
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And so really the passage that we're going to reference is applicable to serving your spouse, serving one child, serving two children, serving cheaper by the dozen.
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You got 12 kids.
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Philippians 2 is still for you.
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But we're going to really zero in on verse 4 because I think the concept behind this is really the secret sauce to learning and really living what it means to be like Jesus.
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So Philippians 2, verse 4, this is talking about Christian humility, the example of Christ.
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It says everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interest of others.
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And so, again, practically speaking, this is what it means to look most like Jesus.
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Your interests are above my interests because at the end of the day, I am here to not be served, but to serve.
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And man alive.
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When you have not just a wife, a child, but you add another child to it, how much more important is it for you to really learn, I'm here to serve them first, even when it's hard.
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It's everything.
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Them first.
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Yeah.
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No, it's it really is everything.
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It's with both that was the biggest struggle for me to get over was like now like my selfish behavior was really brought to light because I didn't have time to do the things that I wanted to do, focus on things that I wanted to focus on, or pick up whatever hobby that I wanted to pick up at the time, because now he was like my life.
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And so it was definitely with going from zero to one was a struggle because that was now trying to get into this whole new routine.
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Going from one to two was much easier because I had already in some way, and I'm still working on this, but the whole death to self thing for sure and that mentality is something I'm still working on.
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But for other things, when it comes to my kids, I feel like that I will always put their interests above mine.
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Now, at first, like when it was just Bo, when he was just born, I was still putting my interests above his.
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And that took about that three, six months time frame to really adjust and be like, okay, in order for me to actually be a present dad, a good dad, and to be able to raise up a son that I hope is going to be respectful and kind and wanting to look and more and more like Jesus, I need to put his interests above mine and also Haley's interests above mine.
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And so it was a big wake-up call.
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But because of that wake-up call, going from Bo to Haven having two was a much smoother transit because I was already in that groove and that kind of rhythm.
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And man, it's just what a blessing she's been, truly.
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And going from that that man coverage for just one to do now playing the zone, that was probably the biggest change.
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For sure.
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Yeah, because it was only focusing on one kid at Disney is pretty easy.
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But when you have two, and one of them at that Haven was still on the stroller, Bo's walking around and wanting to run everywhere.
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And so Bo's trying to hop out and run, and Haley's looking at Haven.
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I'm looking at Haven.
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We're like, who's watching?
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She'll turn and she'll see the back of his hat.
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Yeah.
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She'll just grab him by the shirt.
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You can't go here.
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What are you doing?
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He's like, I can't just get up and go.
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No.
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We have your sister now.
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And he's like, Oh man.
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But yeah, that was probably a big shift.
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Was now what we do is we say eyes on or eyes off.
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So anytime we're out in the public place, and I encourage any parents out there listening to have two kids.
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If you don't do this, if you're at Disney or you're at any amusement park or mall or concert or whatever event, if you guys are all four in a group, and if one of the children wants to go somewhere, you just say, Hey, eyes on, I got eyes on Bo, or I got eyes on who I'm whoever, and they are your priority now.
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Nice.
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Parent number two now has priority over the other one.
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Nice.
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And if you don't have eyes on anymore, you have to say, hey, eyes off.
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You have to go step away for a second.
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You say eyes off Haven.
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And then I now know I have to bring Bo back to Haven.
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And now I have eyes on both of them.
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Constant communication.
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Yeah.
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That's the name of the game.
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Very practical.
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And so we do that now all the time.
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And we took that from my brother-in-law and my sister because they did that.
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And I was like, we need to remember that.
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And we did.
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And that has been a lifesaver so many times.
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Yeah, it's legit.
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Yeah.
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Very legit.
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No, definitely.
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Because zone coverage is much harder.
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And I feel like the temptation is to think, oh, we added another child, because that's the language we use.
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Yep.
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I added, we added to our family, we added another child.
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And really, I think you're multiplying responsibility.
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It's not as easy as, yeah, we just have another.
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You know what I mean?
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It's actually we took whatever level of responsibility we currently had and we just magnified it.
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You know what I mean?
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We multiplied it even more.
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And now it's like, man, we are really learning what it means to not just care for two, but three, and how to then steward, even in that, everything that we believe God's called us to do.
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Yep.
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Which obviously first calling marriage, second calling family, but you're still managing a home.
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You know what I mean?
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You're still leading your house.
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For sure.
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Now you've added another.
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Yeah.
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Or multiplied, right?
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Another, right?
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And not only that, but with the different sex, it's like now Bo's interests and Haven's interests are now completely different.
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And they're at that age now where Haven's now leaning more towards like the girl toys and drawing.
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Sure.
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She had her lipstick, the step and thing.
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Yeah, when you came up the steps and she was like lipstick, you're like, man, I need to learn more about lipstick.
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I need to learn shades.
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I need to get on that.
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And so it's like their interests are now changing.
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So it's now having to my vocabulary for all of the Disney characters and songs for both of them is good.
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But then I now need to learn makeup.
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I need to learn dress styles and things and shoes and different types of shoes and heels and wedges and all those other things.
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All of it.
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Yeah.
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And Bo, he's just give me a car.
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I'm like, all right, I got you.
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Or a Nerf gun or something.
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Legit.
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Yeah.
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But yeah, no, it's yeah, one to two, I would say, was a very smooth transition, minus all of the additives.
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So now you're back into diaper phase and all these other things, but that's all secondary when it comes to the bigger picture of is it easy to mentally go from one to two?
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I would say yes.
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Yeah.
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So let's talk about even your marriage in that, because multiplying parent responsibility is one thing.
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Now multiplying parent responsibility while also maintaining the quality of your marriage.
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I'm sure that it did require some level, even if it's not adjustment, some level of strengthening, some level of reinforcing.
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What did it look for y'all to keep your marriage in a healthy place as you went to two?
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Constant, like how we said it before, just constant communication.
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And for me, I'm a very blunt person.
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I wear my emotions on my face, and if you ask me, I'll tell you how I feel.
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Haley, on the other hand, is always happy on her face.
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Never, she could be having the worst day, but still coming with a smile.
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I have noticed that.
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She just is like Dude, it's it, I don't understand.
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I'm like, how do you not have a bad day?
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I know.
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Oh, I'm miserable right now.
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Yeah.
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Dude, and I I can't do that either.
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My face is I'll you can see.
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For sure.
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And it's like, what's wrong?
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I'm like, I'll tell you what's wrong.
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You really would really do you really want to know?
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Do you want me to unpack this right now?
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For sure.
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And but anyway, yeah, so we had a talk when it was just with Bo about this topic.
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And it was just, hey, like, I need to know how you are doing, or else I don't know how to help.
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And because at that point, I was still new to this whole, like, still felt relatively new to marriage.
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Still felt relatively, I was a brand new dad.
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And just starting to get under like my belt, like the just looking around the house and knowing what to do around the house to help her.
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Yep.
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Like I'm still learning that today.
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And so we had the a conversation about it when Bo was born.
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And I was like, I like I know you want me to be there with knowing exactly what to do at what time and what to put away and what things go where.
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But now with all of the extra things like with Bo, right, how you fold his clothes, how you where you put his clothes, where the diapers are.
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Oh, it's the putting away.
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Yeah, it's like it's always the putting away.
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It's like what what gets washed with this, and like the different detergents, and like what doesn't get what gets hang dry.
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And I'm like, I need communication so that I can do this right and not create more work for you.
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And I can also just help.
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And that conversation then set us up for once Haven was here, we were in a really good rhythm.
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Yep, that's great.
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So not backing away from and just letting if your wife is the one that when your daughter or your son was born, like the first one, and Derry just took it by the reins and just ran with it.
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If they're still running with it, and if you don't know where the dirty hamper is for your kids, might be time for that conversation.
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Hey, there are things you can do.
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Yeah, it's like show me what you do so I can help around the house.
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Because then when you go from one to two, it's that transition's a lot easier.
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For sure.
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Yeah, no, it makes sense.
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But that that's really has helped us of me me noticing the load that she was under with Bo, acknowledging it, asking how I can help, and then actually listening and watching so that then I don't create more work, then created more time for us later on to have more quality time together, just us.
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It's good, yeah.
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Because if we didn't have the conversation I didn't know, she'd be working all the time around the house, like putting the clothes away, doing the laundry, putting dishes away, making sure the kids' dishes go in the right place and all these other things.
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I wouldn't be doing anything.
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There'd be resentment from her, and then she'd be too tired to want to sit down and have a conversation with me.
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Nor would I deserve a conversation.
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So that one conversation really helps with you both just helping each other and putting her interest above yours, going back to Philippians too.
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And then long game, it does give you more time in your day because you both are working on like the same goal.
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Amen.
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Yeah.
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So that's good.
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That'd be my advice of how we've kept it.
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Three more.
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Can I just put you on the spot?
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As long or as short as you want.
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So let's start because I was just thinking about this one.
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So talk me through.
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Again, I know you're on the spot, so as comfortable as you are, talk me through what's one current struggle of parenting two at the same time, especially with how young they are.
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One current struggle, I would say, is trying to meet both of their needs at the same time when they both need different things.
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Bo or like what they like want, because they both will want different things at the same time, and they're both wanting your attention at the same time, but with different things.
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And it's if Haley's working or Haley's gone, it's like trying to be that like I'm gonna try to make you as happy as I can be and try to give you what you're doing.
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You can't split yourself and yeah, it's like I can't be in two places at once to make you happy and you happy.
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So it's what's that part's not the it's what's difficult is who do you say no to?
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And it's having to then decide because it's not like they're wrong, it's Haven wants to swim, Bo wants to go do go to the park, and then it's let's go to the park, and then Haven's like freaking out, Bo's excited, and then that creates like Haven's now mad at Bo, she's mad at me, and then that whatever.
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Yep.
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But they're so close in age that we don't have much struggle with like bigger issues of I would say different interests or like Bo's playing a sport, Haven's playing a sport, and trying to manage like time, like schedule and all that stuff.
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More of like the smaller things of like they're both selfish, right?
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There's it's all about me, it's all about what I want.
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It's like I want to go here, I want to go here.
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It's like okay, and it's like trying to make both happy at the same time.
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Yep, without I'm sure, trying to keep mental score, without breaking a sweat.
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Yeah, you can't do it.
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You can't keep the balancing act going forever.
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So yeah, and then you're just exhausted at the end of the day for sure.
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Because it's like you were like singing show tunes and then also running across and trying to be a race car driver and then going back to show tunes, and now you're a fighter pilot, and it's like, what the heck are we doing right now?
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Yeah, you're not no one wins.
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No, no one wins when you're winning.
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Not at all.
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No, that's good, and no one wants to start with the bad, so we'll end on the good.
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Okay.
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What's your favorite part of parenting too right now?
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My favorite part is honestly seeing right now.
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I love seeing Bo come from school and he's sharing with me what he's learned.
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I'm it just it makes me so happy that and when I go pick him up the first time, first day, when pick him up, and teachers are like Bo's leaving, you know what I'm saying?
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The whole class is like, bye, Bo.
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And I was like, I got teary-eyed, I'm like, this is so sweet.
00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:17.360
And Bo's like, bye.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:18.480
I was like, Did you have a good day?
00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:19.679
He goes, Yeah, I had a great day.
00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:20.480
I'm like, that's awesome.
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:21.600
I was like, What'd you learn?
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:31.039
And he would he just would share with me little things, and I just love to see his mind growing and just that eagerness to be to actually learn.
00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:32.080
I love that.
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:37.679
And then with Haven, oh my gosh, she just makes my heart happy.
00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:46.399
Truly, what I love about being like a dad to her is just the love that she has for everyone, truly everyone.
00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:52.159
She's a little shy at first, but the second she knows you, she gives you the biggest hugs.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.559
She will just give you kisses out of nowhere.
00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:55.440
She's so polite.
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:57.200
She always, thank you, dad, thank you, thank you.
00:14:57.360 --> 00:14:58.320
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:00.399
Um and just so sweet.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:02.799
Now she does have her moments, don't get me wrong, she does have her moments.
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:04.639
We all do where it's like, oh my gosh.
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:08.639
But it's just the love that she has, and that's all her mom.
00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:09.200
Truly.
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:10.879
Just the love that she has in her heart.
00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:26.639
But and then with Haley, and I know I said it on the prior episode about it's like she's not just a mom, but I my love for her has grown so much because of me watching her be a mom.
00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:27.679
It's wild.
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:39.440
Just the amount of love that she gives to the kids, just the amount of effort she puts in every day to make sure that they're happy and having fun, constantly having fun, outside, moving, just being active, and everything that she does with them.
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:41.679
I my love grows for her every day.
00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:43.919
And I I that wouldn't have come without the kids.
00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:44.320
Come on.
00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:46.720
So yeah, I guess there were three things that No, it's amazing.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:47.519
Yeah, that's amazing.
00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:48.000
We'll take it.
00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:49.039
Any last thoughts?
00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:50.320
No, I'm curious with you.
00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:50.720
What about you?
00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:52.240
What's your favorite thing about being a dad right now?
00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:53.039
Oh my gosh.
00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:53.759
I don't have two.
00:15:53.919 --> 00:16:00.080
Being a dad right now, of one incredible young man, how rapidly he's growing is easily the toughest thing.
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:03.200
And my favorite thing is watching him become an individual.
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:06.720
Real words, real sentence, actual thought processes.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:08.320
And he loves his dad.
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:08.720
Yeah.
00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.600
So he really loves just spending time with me.
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.440
I give you as much as chocolate milk.
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:14.399
He does, honestly.
00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:15.279
I'm being legit.
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:16.879
I'll never forget that amount.
00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:17.840
That was so funny.
00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:20.960
He is, don't get me wrong, he loves his mom.
00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:22.240
He loves his mom.
00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:26.480
But I could be anywhere in the house and he will actively room to room.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:27.919
He's like, where is my dad?
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:29.759
And I'm like, that's what I love though.
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:37.200
I'm like, man, what a joy it is to be like, wow, this kid is all in on his parents.
00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:38.399
No matter what.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:42.320
His thoughts of us are just like, these are the best people on planet.
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:42.960
You know what I mean?
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:45.759
And I'm like, man, just to cherish that relationship is awesome.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:48.399
Because especially now, because it's got it's not gonna last forever.
00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:49.039
No, no way.
00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:50.240
That's the thing sucks.
00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:52.080
It's they are growing up so fast.
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:54.159
Everyone always says, It's like, oh, it goes by fast.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:55.679
But you don't know like painfully.
00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:57.440
You don't get it until you're in it.
00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:02.559
And it's just it's really Haven's getting so tall, Bo's already in school and learning all these things, and it's great.
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.480
And I'm like, can you just slow down?
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:04.960
I know.
00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:05.680
Like, yeah, I know.
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:13.519
Because I'm like dreading the day when Bo's we're all sitting on the couch together, cuddling, watching a movie, and I know soon enough it's gonna be like I don't want to sit on the couch with you guys.
00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:13.920
What?
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:15.359
I'm like, man.
00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:16.720
Yep, see you later.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:17.119
Yeah.
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:19.039
Because I cherish these little moments now.
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:19.519
Yep.
00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:20.640
Anyway, they're the best.
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:21.519
Sorry, but yeah.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:22.400
No, it's great.
00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:22.880
It's great.
00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:24.480
We hope this helped you as always.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:26.400
Again, that's Philippians 2 4.
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:33.200
We're looking to, especially as our families multiply, humility is probably the number one way to find your key to success.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:34.799
So thanks for joining us again.
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:36.160
We hope you have a great rest of your week.
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:38.720
We'll see you next time on the Raising Arrows Podcast.
00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:01.679
What's going on everybody?
00:00:01.840 --> 00:00:07.759
Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out.
00:00:07.919 --> 00:00:10.400
Because, let's be honest, guys, we don't.
00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:15.439
I'm Connor Sykes, and with me, as always, is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart.
00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:20.559
And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel.
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:24.399
There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means.
00:00:24.640 --> 00:00:33.039
And we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:37.759
What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between.
00:00:38.000 --> 00:00:41.039
So without further ado, let's get into it.
00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:46.000
Hey, welcome back to the Raising Arrows Podcast.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:48.719
As always, Connor Sykes alongside Scott Stewart.
00:00:48.960 --> 00:00:49.359
Welcome.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:50.479
We are super excited.
00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:54.960
Today we're talking about what it means to multiply our responsibility as parents.
00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:59.520
A topic that I am not yet familiar with, but we have one of the best, if not the best.
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:05.359
Hopefully soon, but if not one of the best people to talk about what it means to raise two kids.
00:01:05.599 --> 00:01:06.159
You flatter me.
00:01:06.400 --> 00:01:07.920
Two what would the world call them?
00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:08.640
Hellraisers.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:10.000
So we'll call them heaven raisers.
00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:12.959
Two heaven raisers, two kids that are amazing.
00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:13.920
We love your family.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:14.560
We love your kids.
00:01:14.640 --> 00:01:15.439
They are both phenomenal.
00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:16.000
Thank you.
00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:20.879
But a lot of that does have to do with you and Haley and how intentional you've been with raising them the right way.
00:01:20.959 --> 00:01:22.000
So we're pretty great.
00:01:22.159 --> 00:01:22.400
Yeah.
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:23.120
Oh, for sure.
00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:24.400
I think many of us would agree.
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:32.000
But that's why I'm excited to talk because I think it's always important that people who are a little bit of ahead of you have a chance to speak into that.
00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:38.400
And so I'm excited to learn, even myself, from you and you guys as we continue to see how God uses you guys as parents.
00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:40.560
So we'll jump into a no pressure.
00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:41.120
No pressure.
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:41.840
No pressure.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:48.480
We'll jump into the Bible because we always love leading with God's word, just providing a verse of encouragement to you in the season you're in.
00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:57.840
And so really the passage that we're going to reference is applicable to serving your spouse, serving one child, serving two children, serving cheaper by the dozen.
00:01:58.000 --> 00:01:58.879
You got 12 kids.
00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:01.040
Philippians 2 is still for you.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:11.599
But we're going to really zero in on verse 4 because I think the concept behind this is really the secret sauce to learning and really living what it means to be like Jesus.
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:17.199
So Philippians 2, verse 4, this is talking about Christian humility, the example of Christ.
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:23.520
It says everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interest of others.
00:02:23.680 --> 00:02:28.400
And so, again, practically speaking, this is what it means to look most like Jesus.
00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:34.080
Your interests are above my interests because at the end of the day, I am here to not be served, but to serve.
00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:35.599
And man alive.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:46.240
When you have not just a wife, a child, but you add another child to it, how much more important is it for you to really learn, I'm here to serve them first, even when it's hard.
00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:47.120
It's everything.
00:02:47.360 --> 00:02:48.000
Them first.
00:02:48.159 --> 00:02:48.400
Yeah.
00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:49.919
No, it's it really is everything.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:03:10.719
It's with both that was the biggest struggle for me to get over was like now like my selfish behavior was really brought to light because I didn't have time to do the things that I wanted to do, focus on things that I wanted to focus on, or pick up whatever hobby that I wanted to pick up at the time, because now he was like my life.
00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:21.360
And so it was definitely with going from zero to one was a struggle because that was now trying to get into this whole new routine.
00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:36.319
Going from one to two was much easier because I had already in some way, and I'm still working on this, but the whole death to self thing for sure and that mentality is something I'm still working on.
00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:43.199
But for other things, when it comes to my kids, I feel like that I will always put their interests above mine.
00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:48.400
Now, at first, like when it was just Bo, when he was just born, I was still putting my interests above his.
00:03:48.800 --> 00:04:10.879
And that took about that three, six months time frame to really adjust and be like, okay, in order for me to actually be a present dad, a good dad, and to be able to raise up a son that I hope is going to be respectful and kind and wanting to look and more and more like Jesus, I need to put his interests above mine and also Haley's interests above mine.
00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:12.639
And so it was a big wake-up call.
00:04:12.960 --> 00:04:22.959
But because of that wake-up call, going from Bo to Haven having two was a much smoother transit because I was already in that groove and that kind of rhythm.
00:04:23.199 --> 00:04:27.279
And man, it's just what a blessing she's been, truly.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:34.160
And going from that that man coverage for just one to do now playing the zone, that was probably the biggest change.
00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:34.639
For sure.
00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:38.959
Yeah, because it was only focusing on one kid at Disney is pretty easy.
00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:44.879
But when you have two, and one of them at that Haven was still on the stroller, Bo's walking around and wanting to run everywhere.
00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:48.399
And so Bo's trying to hop out and run, and Haley's looking at Haven.
00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:49.279
I'm looking at Haven.
00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:50.480
We're like, who's watching?
00:04:50.639 --> 00:04:52.560
She'll turn and she'll see the back of his hat.
00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:52.800
Yeah.
00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:54.160
She'll just grab him by the shirt.
00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:55.120
You can't go here.
00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:55.839
What are you doing?
00:04:55.920 --> 00:04:57.439
He's like, I can't just get up and go.
00:04:57.600 --> 00:04:57.759
No.
00:04:58.240 --> 00:04:59.199
We have your sister now.
00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:00.480
And he's like, Oh man.
00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:03.040
But yeah, that was probably a big shift.
00:05:03.279 --> 00:05:07.839
Was now what we do is we say eyes on or eyes off.
00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:15.839
So anytime we're out in the public place, and I encourage any parents out there listening to have two kids.
00:05:16.079 --> 00:05:36.079
If you don't do this, if you're at Disney or you're at any amusement park or mall or concert or whatever event, if you guys are all four in a group, and if one of the children wants to go somewhere, you just say, Hey, eyes on, I got eyes on Bo, or I got eyes on who I'm whoever, and they are your priority now.
00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:36.639
Nice.
00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:39.680
Parent number two now has priority over the other one.
00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:40.160
Nice.
00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:44.560
And if you don't have eyes on anymore, you have to say, hey, eyes off.
00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:45.839
You have to go step away for a second.
00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:47.279
You say eyes off Haven.
00:05:47.360 --> 00:05:50.240
And then I now know I have to bring Bo back to Haven.
00:05:50.319 --> 00:05:51.680
And now I have eyes on both of them.
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:52.720
Constant communication.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:53.040
Yeah.
00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:54.240
That's the name of the game.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:54.879
Very practical.
00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:57.439
And so we do that now all the time.
00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.879
And we took that from my brother-in-law and my sister because they did that.
00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:02.879
And I was like, we need to remember that.
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:03.600
And we did.
00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:05.279
And that has been a lifesaver so many times.
00:06:05.439 --> 00:06:05.920
Yeah, it's legit.
00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:06.160
Yeah.
00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:06.639
Very legit.
00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:07.360
No, definitely.
00:06:07.439 --> 00:06:08.800
Because zone coverage is much harder.
00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:14.079
And I feel like the temptation is to think, oh, we added another child, because that's the language we use.
00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:14.399
Yep.
00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:17.680
I added, we added to our family, we added another child.
00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:20.560
And really, I think you're multiplying responsibility.
00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:22.879
It's not as easy as, yeah, we just have another.
00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:23.680
You know what I mean?
00:06:23.759 --> 00:06:29.439
It's actually we took whatever level of responsibility we currently had and we just magnified it.
00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:30.160
You know what I mean?
00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:31.759
We multiplied it even more.
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:42.800
And now it's like, man, we are really learning what it means to not just care for two, but three, and how to then steward, even in that, everything that we believe God's called us to do.
00:06:42.879 --> 00:06:43.040
Yep.
00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:47.839
Which obviously first calling marriage, second calling family, but you're still managing a home.
00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:48.720
You know what I mean?
00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:49.920
You're still leading your house.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:50.560
For sure.
00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:52.639
Now you've added another.
00:06:52.879 --> 00:06:53.199
Yeah.
00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:54.639
Or multiplied, right?
00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:55.439
Another, right?
00:06:55.680 --> 00:07:01.279
And not only that, but with the different sex, it's like now Bo's interests and Haven's interests are now completely different.
00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:05.120
And they're at that age now where Haven's now leaning more towards like the girl toys and drawing.
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:05.439
Sure.
00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:07.120
She had her lipstick, the step and thing.
00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:10.879
Yeah, when you came up the steps and she was like lipstick, you're like, man, I need to learn more about lipstick.
00:07:11.120 --> 00:07:11.920
I need to learn shades.
00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:12.800
I need to get on that.
00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:14.879
And so it's like their interests are now changing.
00:07:15.120 --> 00:07:21.759
So it's now having to my vocabulary for all of the Disney characters and songs for both of them is good.
00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:23.279
But then I now need to learn makeup.
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:29.680
I need to learn dress styles and things and shoes and different types of shoes and heels and wedges and all those other things.
00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:30.240
All of it.
00:07:30.399 --> 00:07:30.560
Yeah.
00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:32.160
And Bo, he's just give me a car.
00:07:32.240 --> 00:07:33.519
I'm like, all right, I got you.
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:34.959
Or a Nerf gun or something.
00:07:35.360 --> 00:07:35.600
Legit.
00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:36.240
Yeah.
00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:43.839
But yeah, no, it's yeah, one to two, I would say, was a very smooth transition, minus all of the additives.
00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:54.399
So now you're back into diaper phase and all these other things, but that's all secondary when it comes to the bigger picture of is it easy to mentally go from one to two?
00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:55.519
I would say yes.
00:07:55.839 --> 00:07:56.079
Yeah.
00:07:56.240 --> 00:08:02.480
So let's talk about even your marriage in that, because multiplying parent responsibility is one thing.
00:08:02.800 --> 00:08:07.759
Now multiplying parent responsibility while also maintaining the quality of your marriage.
00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:14.959
I'm sure that it did require some level, even if it's not adjustment, some level of strengthening, some level of reinforcing.
00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:19.360
What did it look for y'all to keep your marriage in a healthy place as you went to two?
00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:22.959
Constant, like how we said it before, just constant communication.
00:08:23.519 --> 00:08:26.800
And for me, I'm a very blunt person.
00:08:26.959 --> 00:08:30.560
I wear my emotions on my face, and if you ask me, I'll tell you how I feel.
00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:34.960
Haley, on the other hand, is always happy on her face.
00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:38.399
Never, she could be having the worst day, but still coming with a smile.
00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:39.279
I have noticed that.
00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:42.000
She just is like Dude, it's it, I don't understand.
00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:43.360
I'm like, how do you not have a bad day?
00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:43.919
I know.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:45.120
Oh, I'm miserable right now.
00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:45.360
Yeah.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:47.279
Dude, and I I can't do that either.
00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.039
My face is I'll you can see.
00:08:49.200 --> 00:08:49.360
For sure.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:50.159
And it's like, what's wrong?
00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:51.120
I'm like, I'll tell you what's wrong.
00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:52.960
You really would really do you really want to know?
00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:54.320
Do you want me to unpack this right now?
00:08:54.480 --> 00:08:54.879
For sure.
00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:59.759
And but anyway, yeah, so we had a talk when it was just with Bo about this topic.
00:08:59.840 --> 00:09:04.799
And it was just, hey, like, I need to know how you are doing, or else I don't know how to help.
00:09:04.960 --> 00:09:11.759
And because at that point, I was still new to this whole, like, still felt relatively new to marriage.
00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:14.320
Still felt relatively, I was a brand new dad.
00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:22.879
And just starting to get under like my belt, like the just looking around the house and knowing what to do around the house to help her.
00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:23.440
Yep.
00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:25.360
Like I'm still learning that today.
00:09:25.519 --> 00:09:28.639
And so we had the a conversation about it when Bo was born.
00:09:28.720 --> 00:09:35.919
And I was like, I like I know you want me to be there with knowing exactly what to do at what time and what to put away and what things go where.
00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:42.480
But now with all of the extra things like with Bo, right, how you fold his clothes, how you where you put his clothes, where the diapers are.
00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:43.440
Oh, it's the putting away.
00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:44.879
Yeah, it's like it's always the putting away.
00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:50.080
It's like what what gets washed with this, and like the different detergents, and like what doesn't get what gets hang dry.
00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:56.639
And I'm like, I need communication so that I can do this right and not create more work for you.
00:09:56.799 --> 00:09:58.559
And I can also just help.
00:09:58.879 --> 00:10:05.039
And that conversation then set us up for once Haven was here, we were in a really good rhythm.
00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:06.080
Yep, that's great.
00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:19.120
So not backing away from and just letting if your wife is the one that when your daughter or your son was born, like the first one, and Derry just took it by the reins and just ran with it.
00:10:19.279 --> 00:10:24.879
If they're still running with it, and if you don't know where the dirty hamper is for your kids, might be time for that conversation.
00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:26.720
Hey, there are things you can do.
00:10:26.960 --> 00:10:30.240
Yeah, it's like show me what you do so I can help around the house.
00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:33.360
Because then when you go from one to two, it's that transition's a lot easier.
00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:33.840
For sure.
00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:34.799
Yeah, no, it makes sense.
00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:57.600
But that that's really has helped us of me me noticing the load that she was under with Bo, acknowledging it, asking how I can help, and then actually listening and watching so that then I don't create more work, then created more time for us later on to have more quality time together, just us.
00:10:57.759 --> 00:10:58.480
It's good, yeah.
00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:08.320
Because if we didn't have the conversation I didn't know, she'd be working all the time around the house, like putting the clothes away, doing the laundry, putting dishes away, making sure the kids' dishes go in the right place and all these other things.
00:11:08.480 --> 00:11:09.600
I wouldn't be doing anything.
00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:14.480
There'd be resentment from her, and then she'd be too tired to want to sit down and have a conversation with me.
00:11:14.799 --> 00:11:16.879
Nor would I deserve a conversation.
00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:27.519
So that one conversation really helps with you both just helping each other and putting her interest above yours, going back to Philippians too.
00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:34.399
And then long game, it does give you more time in your day because you both are working on like the same goal.
00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:34.960
Amen.
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:35.279
Yeah.
00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:36.159
So that's good.
00:11:36.320 --> 00:11:38.000
That'd be my advice of how we've kept it.
00:11:38.240 --> 00:11:38.720
Three more.
00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:39.759
Can I just put you on the spot?
00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:41.519
As long or as short as you want.
00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.960
So let's start because I was just thinking about this one.
00:11:45.200 --> 00:11:47.279
So talk me through.
00:11:47.440 --> 00:11:55.600
Again, I know you're on the spot, so as comfortable as you are, talk me through what's one current struggle of parenting two at the same time, especially with how young they are.
00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:05.919
One current struggle, I would say, is trying to meet both of their needs at the same time when they both need different things.
00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:15.200
Bo or like what they like want, because they both will want different things at the same time, and they're both wanting your attention at the same time, but with different things.
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:25.360
And it's if Haley's working or Haley's gone, it's like trying to be that like I'm gonna try to make you as happy as I can be and try to give you what you're doing.
00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:31.279
You can't split yourself and yeah, it's like I can't be in two places at once to make you happy and you happy.
00:12:31.840 --> 00:12:38.320
So it's what's that part's not the it's what's difficult is who do you say no to?
00:12:38.559 --> 00:12:56.639
And it's having to then decide because it's not like they're wrong, it's Haven wants to swim, Bo wants to go do go to the park, and then it's let's go to the park, and then Haven's like freaking out, Bo's excited, and then that creates like Haven's now mad at Bo, she's mad at me, and then that whatever.
00:12:56.799 --> 00:12:57.120
Yep.
00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:09.600
But they're so close in age that we don't have much struggle with like bigger issues of I would say different interests or like Bo's playing a sport, Haven's playing a sport, and trying to manage like time, like schedule and all that stuff.
00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:13.519
More of like the smaller things of like they're both selfish, right?
00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:15.200
There's it's all about me, it's all about what I want.
00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:16.799
It's like I want to go here, I want to go here.
00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.559
It's like okay, and it's like trying to make both happy at the same time.
00:13:20.720 --> 00:13:24.000
Yep, without I'm sure, trying to keep mental score, without breaking a sweat.
00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:25.279
Yeah, you can't do it.
00:13:25.519 --> 00:13:27.600
You can't keep the balancing act going forever.
00:13:27.840 --> 00:13:30.559
So yeah, and then you're just exhausted at the end of the day for sure.
00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:40.159
Because it's like you were like singing show tunes and then also running across and trying to be a race car driver and then going back to show tunes, and now you're a fighter pilot, and it's like, what the heck are we doing right now?
00:13:40.320 --> 00:13:41.360
Yeah, you're not no one wins.
00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:42.559
No, no one wins when you're winning.
00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:42.879
Not at all.
00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:45.919
No, that's good, and no one wants to start with the bad, so we'll end on the good.
00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:46.240
Okay.
00:13:46.399 --> 00:13:49.039
What's your favorite part of parenting too right now?
00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:57.679
My favorite part is honestly seeing right now.
00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:02.240
I love seeing Bo come from school and he's sharing with me what he's learned.
00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:10.000
I'm it just it makes me so happy that and when I go pick him up the first time, first day, when pick him up, and teachers are like Bo's leaving, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:11.679
The whole class is like, bye, Bo.
00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:16.240
And I was like, I got teary-eyed, I'm like, this is so sweet.
00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:17.360
And Bo's like, bye.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:18.480
I was like, Did you have a good day?
00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:19.679
He goes, Yeah, I had a great day.
00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:20.480
I'm like, that's awesome.
00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:21.600
I was like, What'd you learn?
00:14:21.840 --> 00:14:31.039
And he would he just would share with me little things, and I just love to see his mind growing and just that eagerness to be to actually learn.
00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:32.080
I love that.
00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:37.679
And then with Haven, oh my gosh, she just makes my heart happy.
00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:46.399
Truly, what I love about being like a dad to her is just the love that she has for everyone, truly everyone.
00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:52.159
She's a little shy at first, but the second she knows you, she gives you the biggest hugs.
00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:54.559
She will just give you kisses out of nowhere.
00:14:54.720 --> 00:14:55.440
She's so polite.
00:14:55.600 --> 00:14:57.200
She always, thank you, dad, thank you, thank you.
00:14:57.360 --> 00:14:58.320
Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
00:14:58.799 --> 00:15:00.399
Um and just so sweet.
00:15:00.720 --> 00:15:02.799
Now she does have her moments, don't get me wrong, she does have her moments.
00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:04.639
We all do where it's like, oh my gosh.
00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:08.639
But it's just the love that she has, and that's all her mom.
00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:09.200
Truly.
00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:10.879
Just the love that she has in her heart.
00:15:11.279 --> 00:15:26.639
But and then with Haley, and I know I said it on the prior episode about it's like she's not just a mom, but I my love for her has grown so much because of me watching her be a mom.
00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:27.679
It's wild.
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:39.440
Just the amount of love that she gives to the kids, just the amount of effort she puts in every day to make sure that they're happy and having fun, constantly having fun, outside, moving, just being active, and everything that she does with them.
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:41.679
I my love grows for her every day.
00:15:41.840 --> 00:15:43.919
And I I that wouldn't have come without the kids.
00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:44.320
Come on.
00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:46.720
So yeah, I guess there were three things that No, it's amazing.
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:47.519
Yeah, that's amazing.
00:15:47.600 --> 00:15:48.000
We'll take it.
00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:49.039
Any last thoughts?
00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:50.320
No, I'm curious with you.
00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:50.720
What about you?
00:15:50.799 --> 00:15:52.240
What's your favorite thing about being a dad right now?
00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:53.039
Oh my gosh.
00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:53.759
I don't have two.
00:15:53.919 --> 00:16:00.080
Being a dad right now, of one incredible young man, how rapidly he's growing is easily the toughest thing.
00:16:00.159 --> 00:16:03.200
And my favorite thing is watching him become an individual.
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:06.720
Real words, real sentence, actual thought processes.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:08.320
And he loves his dad.
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:08.720
Yeah.
00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.600
So he really loves just spending time with me.
00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:13.440
I give you as much as chocolate milk.
00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:14.399
He does, honestly.
00:16:14.639 --> 00:16:15.279
I'm being legit.
00:16:15.840 --> 00:16:16.879
I'll never forget that amount.
00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:17.840
That was so funny.
00:16:18.080 --> 00:16:20.960
He is, don't get me wrong, he loves his mom.
00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:22.240
He loves his mom.
00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:26.480
But I could be anywhere in the house and he will actively room to room.
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:27.919
He's like, where is my dad?
00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:29.759
And I'm like, that's what I love though.
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:37.200
I'm like, man, what a joy it is to be like, wow, this kid is all in on his parents.
00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:38.399
No matter what.
00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:42.320
His thoughts of us are just like, these are the best people on planet.
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:42.960
You know what I mean?
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:45.759
And I'm like, man, just to cherish that relationship is awesome.
00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:48.399
Because especially now, because it's got it's not gonna last forever.
00:16:48.639 --> 00:16:49.039
No, no way.
00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:50.240
That's the thing sucks.
00:16:50.480 --> 00:16:52.080
It's they are growing up so fast.
00:16:52.320 --> 00:16:54.159
Everyone always says, It's like, oh, it goes by fast.
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:55.679
But you don't know like painfully.
00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:57.440
You don't get it until you're in it.
00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:02.559
And it's just it's really Haven's getting so tall, Bo's already in school and learning all these things, and it's great.
00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:04.480
And I'm like, can you just slow down?
00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:04.960
I know.
00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:05.680
Like, yeah, I know.
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:13.519
Because I'm like dreading the day when Bo's we're all sitting on the couch together, cuddling, watching a movie, and I know soon enough it's gonna be like I don't want to sit on the couch with you guys.
00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:13.920
What?
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:15.359
I'm like, man.
00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:16.720
Yep, see you later.
00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:17.119
Yeah.
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:19.039
Because I cherish these little moments now.
00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:19.519
Yep.
00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:20.640
Anyway, they're the best.
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:21.519
Sorry, but yeah.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:22.400
No, it's great.
00:17:22.480 --> 00:17:22.880
It's great.
00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:24.480
We hope this helped you as always.
00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:26.400
Again, that's Philippians 2 4.
00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:33.200
We're looking to, especially as our families multiply, humility is probably the number one way to find your key to success.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:34.799
So thanks for joining us again.
00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:36.160
We hope you have a great rest of your week.
00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:38.720
We'll see you next time on the Raising Arrows Podcast.
