Session 17: Elide Lochan & Anthony Bridgerton— Why We Sabotage What We Want Most

WEBVTT
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Have you ever gotten exactly what you wanted and then somehow made it harder on yourself?
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Like putting off an opportunity you were excited about, talking yourself out of something before it even started, or convincing yourself it wasn't gonna work anymore.
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Or pushing someone away when you actually wanted them closer.
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Because sometimes people don't just sabotage goals, they sabotage relationships too.
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This is Once Upon a Session where two therapists try to bear a pro and to treat their hands, and every story becomes a session.
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I'm Vanessa.
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And I'm Nerisa.
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And I'm the one who talks myself out of things before they can go wrong.
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And I'm the one who jumps in first.
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Yep.
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And processes the consequences later.
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Sounds about right.
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Alright, just a quick note before we dive in.
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We're both licensed therapists, but we're not your therapist.
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Everything we share here is for conversation, reflection, and maybe a little inspiration.
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But it's not a substitute for therapy.
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If you're struggling, please reach out to a mental health professional who can give you the care and support you deserve.
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Now that you're all checked in, have a seat on our couch.
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Hello.
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Hello.
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Welcome back.
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Welcome back to the sessions.
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The sessions.
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Alright.
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Hope you guys are still here with us.
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Yeah, what's going on?
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What's going on?
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And if you're new here, welcome.
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Welcome.
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Yeah.
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Welcome.
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Welcome.
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I think we got some new people, right?
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Yeah, maybe.
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In the UK.
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Well, thank you.
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Remember the one in the UK?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, got you.
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Remember the one in the UK.
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I don't know their name.
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I don't know what to say so.
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But yes, welcome to our UK fans.
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Don't judge my British accent.
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Please judge it.
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Yeah, do Johnny.
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Alright, what's going on with life, with work, with books?
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Everything's good.
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Yeah, have I sabotaged anything lately?
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I don't know.
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I guess we'll get to it.
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I think I have.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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But it's okay.
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Yeah.
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Self-sabotage is a huge theme in therapy.
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Yeah.
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Like all the time, constantly.
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And we all do it.
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Um, yeah, nothing's new in life, nothing's new in work, and nothing's new but Cachuay Pepe.
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We're still trucking along.
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Things are new, but like we just recorded, so yeah.
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Just if you want to know how we're doing today, go back to last week's episode.
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Yeah, exactly.
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Wow, what a good way to get people to like listen, right?
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Because oh my god, can you believe what happened?
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Because you gotta go back to fun.
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Yeah, it was so good.
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There were some crazy moments in the last episode.
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I don't even know what the last episode was.
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Oh, the one we just did.
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Yeah, it didn't even come out yet.
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We just recorded it.
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Yeah.
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But hope you guys liked funnier coping because that one was so funny.
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Which one was that?
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Class Comm?
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Yeah.
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Oh, yeah.
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Sorry, I don't know why I make it so official.
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Funnier coping.
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Funny or funnier coping.
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All right.
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So let's get into our self-sabotage question.
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Okay, so what's your personal self-sab?
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What's your personal self-sabotage specialty?
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You're trying to sabotage my moments?
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No.
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Um, okay, my personal self-sabotage specialty is that I get way too comfortable with things to the point where like I start ignoring flags that I should be paying attention to.
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And then I have too much anxiety to do anything about it.
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So I just stay stuck in the same situation with whatever it is.
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So yeah, I sabotage my ability to like try to do the right thing for myself.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And I did it for the very long time.
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And you know what I'm talking about.
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Yes, yes, I do.
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Yes.
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Too comfortable.
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Don't ever get too comfortable with anything, people.
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You just don't.
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And don't ever like try to convince yourself of needing to do anything.
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Because then you should not be doing it.
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You gotta read between the lines.
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Yes, exactly.
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Okay.
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What's something you know would improve your life that you keep avoiding?
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Well, I feel like overall, I would say it's like time management.
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Okay.
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You know, I'm like always late, just chronically late to things.
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And it's not like I'm doing anything.
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It's not like I don't wear makeup, but it's like don't explain it to me.
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I'm always waiting.
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Yeah.
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I know.
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But it's you know, it's just a matter of if I got up and did the thing when I was supposed to do the thing.
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Because I'm gonna eventually do it anyway.
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Now I'm doing it with anxiety.
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Yeah.
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You know, and I know that.
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It's not like it's my first time doing it.
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I choose to do it every day.
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So what is that rush that I want?
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Like, why am I constantly doing that?
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Are you getting a rush?
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Sometimes.
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Okay.
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Fair.
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Yeah.
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Maybe.
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I don't know.
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I don't know what's going on, but it's really self-sabotage because then I get up and I'm rushing, I'm like, oh, I could have put on something cuter because I had more time just to like relax or whatever.
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And I don't know what's stopping me.
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Also, like people who know you, like, now know.
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Like, are you okay with them being like, oh, she's gonna be late anyway?
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So it's just like what I'm feeling like.
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Yeah.
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When I'm driving to work, and I'm like, oh, what if something's going on right now?
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And I need to be there and I need to be a part of it, and someone's looking for me, and then I start getting anxious, and I'm like, okay, but if I did the same thing and I'm alive, I'm doing it, why couldn't I have done that an hour ago?
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And I wake up at like four something every day.
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It's not like I wake up late, right?
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It's just I lay there or do whatever and get comfortable anyway.
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Well, it's gonna be hard to get out of bed now with you.
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Yeah, but menu bed.
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Menu bed.
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Yeah.
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Okay, just work on it.
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That's it.
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Yeah, well, today we're talking about self-sabotage, if you couldn't tell.
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Yep, and all the ways people unintentionally get in the way of their own goals, happiness, healing, and relationships.
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We're talking about procrastination, perfectionism, avoidance, fear of failure, fear of success, and also the relationship side of self-sabotage, pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability, and struggling to trust good things when they finally show up.
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And most of the time it isn't about laziness or lack of motivation.
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It's about fear showing up in disguise.
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Oh my god, do you feel like your thing is because of laziness or lack of motivation?
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No.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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That's not it.
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I don't think so either.
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I don't think you're lazy.
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I think I genuinely like the rush.
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I like that rush of okay, now I need to pressure.
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Now I need to like figure it out.
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It's now or never.
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Like I need that, but I mean like I've had such a like a life of like rush and um what's that word?
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Where it's like urgency?
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No.
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Oh.
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But yeah, urgency.
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Mm-hmm.
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It's gonna be like last episode when I figured out the word disclaimer.
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Yeah, that felt good.
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It was like a three-week release or some shit.
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Like it was a lot.
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Something like adrenaline.
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It's like adrenaline.
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Yeah, yeah.
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So like it's like I've lived like with a lot of adrenaline, like throughout like my first career.
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So now it's sometimes I it just feels too bland, and I need that rush of that makes a lot of sense.
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That sense of urgency.
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Yeah.
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Well, you know, the positive thing is you're getting the rush from that and not substances.
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Yeah, that's true.
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So yeah, yeah, it'd be worse.
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So when people hear self-sabotage, they usually imagine someone intentionally ruining their own their own sentence.
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Um, when people hear self-sabotage, they usually imagine someone intentionally ruining their own life.
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But psychologically, that's rarely what's happening.
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Most self-sabotaging behaviors.
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Yes, I'd love it.
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Keep going.
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Most self-sabotage and behaviors begin as attempts to protect ourselves.
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To protect ourselves from rejection, embarrassment, failure, disappointment, vulnerability, uncertainty, or loss.
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Because if you've been hurt before, your brain starts looking for ways to make sure it never happens again.
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And unfortunately, sometimes that protection becomes the very thing holding people back.
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And that's why self-sabotage can show up as procrastination.
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Because if you never fully try, then you never have to find out whether you might fail.
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Wow, that's so true.
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It can show up as perfectionism.
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Because if nothing ever feels good enough, you never have to risk putting yourself out there.
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And it can show up in relationships too.
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Which is where a lot of people don't realize it's happening.
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When intimacy starts feeling real, vulnerability becomes unavoidable.
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Unavoil.
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Yeah, I stand by that.
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Okay.
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And for people who see no, it's fine.
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And for people becomes unavailable.
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Unavoidable.
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I just got leaving on a volleyball.
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Out of olive oil.
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We've become out of olive oil.
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Vulnerability becomes unavoidable.
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And for people who associate closeness with rejection, abandonment, criticism, or loss, that can feel terrifying.
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So some people pull away, some people become hyper-independent.
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Some people stop communicating.
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And some start looking for reasons the relationship won't work.
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And some people leave before they can be left.
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Because if you're the one ending it, you never have to experience being rejected.
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One of the biggest misconceptions about self-sapote.
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Self-sabotage.
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Sucker and such.
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Suffering suffering.
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Is it suffering or suffering?
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I think suffering makes more sense.
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Um one of the biggest misconceptions about self-sabotage is that people don't care.
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But often it's exactly the opposite.
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They care so much that the possibility of loss feels overwhelming.
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So they try to control the outcome before it can hurt them.
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And unfortunately, that protection often creates the exact thing they were trying to avoid.
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The failed goal, the missed opportunity, the damaged relationship.
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Self-sabotage isn't always about destroying something good.
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Sometimes it's about protecting yourself from the possibility of losing it.
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Wow.
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This is like so wild.
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Yeah.
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It's so accurate.
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Mm-hmm.
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I agree.
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It's so accurate, and we've all done it.
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We've all done it to protect ourselves.
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Yeah.
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From something, from someone, from a relationship, from a situation.
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We've all done it.
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And like now we can see it in these characters that we read about.
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And we can call it out with our clients.
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Yeah.
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Because I think that's one of the that's one of the difficult things to point out to someone, I feel like, is that you're self-sabotaging because they don't realize it.
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And then when you point it out, they're like, oh, that's that's they're not gonna want to take responsibility, take the blame for that.
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Because then especially if they're pointing the finger and you're saying, no, you're actually getting in your own way, yeah.
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Now the blame is on them.
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Mm-hmm.
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And they can't handle it.
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They can't handle it, right?
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Right.
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Yeah, it can't always be everybody around you, guys.
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The best case scenario is if you're self-sabotaging, is that you really understand that you're self-sabotaging.
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I agree.
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Best case scenario.
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I agree with that.
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You're just you're here, you know.
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Right.
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And we know when we're doing it.
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We just again we don't want to take responsibility.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, keep keep doing it and see what happens.
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Yeah.
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But fiction actually, they um absolutely love a self-sabotaging character.
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Yes, they do, because they're usually standing directly in the way of their own happiness.
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Yeah, and honestly, some of the most frustrating moments in books and TV happen when characters finally get what they've wanted.
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And then immediately start making decisions that threaten to destroy it.
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Hate it.
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A lot of self-sabotaging characters struggle with worthiness.
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They don't believe they deserve love, happiness, success, forgiveness, or belonging.
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Okay, so when those things finally show up, they push them away, question them, or convince themselves they won't last.
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Some characters self-sabotage through avoidance, some through impulsivity, some through self-destruction, and some by choosing what's familiar over what's healthy.
00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:16.399
I've done all of them.
00:14:17.440 --> 00:14:17.919
Yeah.
00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:18.720
Yeah.
00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:22.559
Because familiar pain can feel safer than unfamiliar happiness.
00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:24.320
Ooh, yeah, that line hit.
00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:27.759
Even when that happiness is exactly what they've always wanted.
00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:29.840
I just feel really targeted.
00:14:30.559 --> 00:14:33.519
Well, I'm glad it's some familiar.
00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:41.519
And some of the most compelling character arcs happen when characters finally realize they're the ones standing in their own way.
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:49.919
Because the story stops being about whether they can defeat an external obstacle and becomes about whether they can overcome themselves.
00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:54.159
Yeah, and that's why self-sabotaging characters are so relatable.
00:14:54.399 --> 00:15:00.320
Because most people can look back at some point in their lives and recognize themselves in these choices.
00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:03.279
Some villains threaten the story from the outside.
00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:06.240
And some characters almost destroy it from the inside.
00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:07.759
Wow, that's so true.
00:15:08.080 --> 00:15:08.559
Yeah.
00:15:08.960 --> 00:15:11.279
Alright, well, let's get onto it.
00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:13.279
Into it all about the couch.
00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:13.679
Yeah.
00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:16.000
Who's on the couch today?
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:20.000
I'm bringing Alid Lockin from Throne of Glass.
00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:20.879
Elidae.
00:15:21.120 --> 00:15:22.159
You call her Eliday.
00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:24.159
Eliday and Ureen.
00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:24.559
Yes.
00:15:25.519 --> 00:15:29.440
And I'm bringing Anthony Bridgerton from Bridgerton.
00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:32.480
The son of Edmund, aka Charles.
00:15:33.279 --> 00:15:34.320
Oh George.
00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:35.840
AKA George.
00:15:36.080 --> 00:15:36.159
Yeah.
00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:37.120
I'm Charles.
00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:37.519
Yeah.
00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:42.799
So basically, we chose two characters who desperately wanted connection, love, and happiness.
00:15:42.960 --> 00:15:46.799
But repeatedly got in their own way while trying to protect themselves.
00:15:47.039 --> 00:15:47.519
Yes.
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:48.639
Alright.
00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:50.320
You go first this time.
00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:51.200
Okay.
00:15:51.759 --> 00:15:57.919
So Elid, there was a lot, Elite, a lot, that I wanted to talk about, Elite.
00:15:58.159 --> 00:15:58.559
Mm-hmm.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:01.279
So just bear with me because this.
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:03.840
You're just gonna feel me.
00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:04.399
Okay.
00:16:04.720 --> 00:16:06.799
Alright, so today we're talking about Elite.
00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:11.840
I mean, we're talking about self-sabotage through the lens of Elite Lockin from Throne of Glass.
00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:19.919
And Elite is one of the most realistic portrayals of quiet survival-based sabotage that I've seen in fantasy.
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.799
Um, by the way, it's thrown of glass.
00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:23.840
Get your shit together.
00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:26.000
I'm not about to explain to you what the book is about.
00:16:26.240 --> 00:16:28.159
Yeah, we're we're skipping throne of glass.
00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:30.240
I'm not, there's no more interview caps.
00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:30.879
Yeah.
00:16:31.039 --> 00:16:33.600
Because if we do any more, we're like just telling you everything.
00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:33.919
Yeah.
00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:35.039
Like pick up a book.
00:16:35.279 --> 00:16:38.399
Honestly, they probably have read the whole book through us.
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:39.200
Yeah.
00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:41.519
They've probably read it like long before we did.
00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:43.039
Yeah, exactly.
00:16:43.279 --> 00:16:43.600
Okay.
00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:46.720
No, I'm saying like they're reading it as they're listening to us.
00:16:46.960 --> 00:16:48.080
Like they're getting the book.
00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:49.279
It's like an audiobook.
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:50.480
Oh surprise.
00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:52.559
Alright.
00:16:52.720 --> 00:16:57.279
Okay, so because her self-sabotage doesn't look chaotic or dramatic.
00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:58.960
It looks adaptive.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:00.480
It looks responsible.
00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:05.839
It looks like somebody who learned very early that relying on other people could become dangerous.
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:13.359
For anyone unfamiliar with her character, Alid grows up in an incredibly traumatic and emotionally unsafe environment.
00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:20.559
Her parents are murdered, her family line is targeted, and she ends up under the control of her uncle Vernon, who is genuinely horrific to her.
00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:30.000
He isolates her, emotionally abuses her, controls her environment, constantly reinforces helplessness, and treats her more like a possession than a person.
00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:35.920
On top of all that, Elite has an injured foot from an old injury that never healed correctly.
00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:39.839
So physically, she spends much of her time like feeling vulnerable too.
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:44.480
I actually think that physical vulnerability becomes psychological.
00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:56.079
That's important for her character because Elite spends years surviving in environments where she's underestimated, trapped, dependent on unsafe people, and forced to stay hyper-aware of everyone around her.
00:17:56.240 --> 00:17:59.920
She learns how to survive by being observant and staying careful.
00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:03.759
Yeah, she becomes incredibly emotionally intelligent because of it.
00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:08.799
She knows how to read people, how to adapt, and how to make herself smaller when she needs to survive.
00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:11.200
And I don't even think she can read, right?
00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:11.759
No.
00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:12.799
Yeah, she can.
00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:14.240
She can.
00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:20.640
But the problem is that those survival strategies don't just disappear once safety finally shows up.
00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:25.279
And that's where the self-sabotage starts becoming really psychologically interesting.
00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:37.839
Even after Elite escapes and starts surrounding herself with people who genuinely care about her, people with literal magic power, resources, and loyalty, she still struggles to fully lean into support.
00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:40.400
One of the clearest examples of this is her foot.
00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:45.680
She's literally surrounded by magical people who potentially could help her, and she still doesn't really ask.
00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.200
She minimizes her pain, adapts around it, and keeps functioning.
00:18:49.359 --> 00:18:58.960
That feels incredibly psychologically real because people who spend long periods of time surviving without safe support often become deeply uncomfortable with dependency.
00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:05.599
They learn that needing things feel dangerous, so instead of asking for help, they overcompensate through self-reliance.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:10.960
I think Ali genuinely struggles to believe she deserves to fully take up space in other people's care.
00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:25.119
Even in her relationship with Lorcan, who is literally obsessed with her and repeatedly chooses her over and over again, Ali still struggles to fully settle into emotional safety because for someone in her story, attachment itself feels risky.
00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:44.559
Okay, the presenting concerns would include fear-based self-sabotaging behaviors within relationships, chronic hypervigilance, difficulty trusting, emotional safety, hyperindependence, emotional guardedness, and deeply internalized beliefs around worthiness and vulnerability.
00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:51.759
She also demonstrates strong anticipatory anxiety around abandonment and disappointment once emotional closeness.
00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:55.359
I think that's what it's called now.
00:19:55.599 --> 00:19:56.319
Closeless.
00:19:56.799 --> 00:19:57.039
Yeah.
00:19:57.119 --> 00:19:57.359
Yeah.
00:19:57.519 --> 00:19:58.000
I love it.
00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:00.160
Once emotional closeness becomes real.
00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:15.200
Okay, treatment goals for a lead would focus on increasing tolerance for emotional vulnerability, strengthening relational trust, reducing fear-based distancing behaviors, and helping her develop a more secure sense of self-worth outside of survival.
00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:25.200
There would also be a lot of attachment work around receiving care, asking for help, and recognizing when self-protection is quietly turning into self-sabotage.
00:20:25.519 --> 00:20:38.400
Interventions would likely include trauma-informed therapy, attachment focused work, emotional regulation strategies, and reflective exploration around hypervigilance, abandonment fears, and worthiness.
00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:52.559
Expected outcomes would hopefully include increased emotional trust, greater comfort receiving support, reduced fear-based distancing, and stronger ability to remain emotionally present without immediately shifting into survival mode.
00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:56.480
Yeah, I'm just thinking about her because we're reading about her right now.
00:20:57.359 --> 00:21:05.759
And just I'm watching her just from that, like you know what I loved is when she sorry, I just got so loud, but I just remembered.
00:21:05.839 --> 00:21:12.400
I loved when um she was pretending like she didn't know anything and like she was just like some quiet girl in the back of the room.
00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:14.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:19.920
And like you realize like she's quick and she's smart and she's on top of it and she's observing, you know.
00:21:20.319 --> 00:21:28.160
And then when she went down to the cellar, the basement thing, and she was like watching the other girl laundry maid.
00:21:28.480 --> 00:21:44.880
Yeah, she was just so smart, and I love how like Manon just like kind of took her under her wing essentially, and she was like, Yeah, are you like a black bleak or black yeah, was it a blue blood?
00:21:44.960 --> 00:21:45.599
Sorry, yeah.
00:21:46.079 --> 00:21:47.599
The black bleak, blue blood.
00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:54.000
Yeah, and I just love that, and I love even how Abraxos like saw the chain on her ankle.
00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:54.480
Yeah.
00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:58.160
Like, oh, I know what that feels like, you know what I mean?
00:21:58.960 --> 00:21:59.759
Yeah, and even
00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:10.160
Oh, but when her and Lorkin, Lorcan was the first one who put the magic brace on her ankle so she could walk straight, and she was like, Oh my god.
00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:10.880
Yeah.
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:11.599
Yeah.
00:22:11.920 --> 00:22:16.799
I just I think I just left off where they were like um sharing the tent together.
00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:22.160
Oh, where I am, they're still she's sleeping with the women and he's still drawing strings.
00:22:22.640 --> 00:22:23.440
Drawing strings.
00:22:24.480 --> 00:22:27.279
But yeah, I just love their relationship too.
00:22:27.359 --> 00:22:31.279
When like mind you, Lorcan is like this gigantic man.
00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:32.240
I love him.
00:22:32.400 --> 00:22:37.440
And she's like this fragile girl, you know, with like a broken ankle.
00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:39.519
And like, oh my god.
00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:45.599
Oh and then in in Kingdom of Ash, when she like oh yeah.
00:22:46.559 --> 00:22:50.000
Okay, anyway, yeah, we can talk about Ella Day all day long.
00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:52.400
It's Ella Day.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:55.920
Alright, well I'm gonna create my own fan base.
00:22:56.240 --> 00:22:57.440
Yes, please.
00:22:57.759 --> 00:23:00.559
My fan base of people who mispronounce things.
00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:04.400
Alright, let's move on to Anthony Bridgerton.
00:23:05.920 --> 00:23:09.200
From the book The Viscount, The Viscount.
00:23:09.839 --> 00:23:10.480
The Viscount.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:13.599
The Viscount Who Loved Me by Julia Quinn.
00:23:14.400 --> 00:23:15.119
Great book.
00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:16.400
Love the book.
00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:17.359
Love the book.
00:23:17.599 --> 00:23:22.880
Did you love the book more than the the Bridgerton, or did you love Bridgerton more than the book?
00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:24.960
I'm trying to remember.
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:29.279
I've loved all the Bridgerton books more than I've loved like the shows.
00:23:29.599 --> 00:23:30.640
But I love the shows too.
00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:31.839
Yeah, me too, same.
00:23:32.079 --> 00:23:32.799
So yeah.
00:23:33.119 --> 00:23:33.279
Okay.
00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:34.960
Books are always better, right?
00:23:35.119 --> 00:23:35.519
Mm-hmm.
00:23:35.839 --> 00:23:46.240
Alright, Anthony Bridgerton, the eldest Bridgerton sibling, and the Viscount of his family, has spent much of his life associating love with grief, responsibility, and eventual loss.
00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:50.160
After witnessing the sudden death of his father, George.
00:23:50.559 --> 00:23:50.960
George.
00:23:52.799 --> 00:24:01.359
Edmund, at a young age, Anthony becomes emotionally shaped by fear long before he fully understands it.
00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:10.079
Much of his adulthood becomes driven by duty control, emotional restraint, and the belief that vulnerability inevitably leads to devastation.
00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:20.079
While he deeply desires intimacy and connection, he repeatedly sabotages emotional closeness the moment it begins to feel real or emotionally unsafe.
00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:31.039
Throughout the story, Anthony attempts to approach relationships logically rather than emotionally, convincing himself that controlled attachment is safer than genuine love.
00:24:31.279 --> 00:24:41.279
His connection with Kate forces him to confront the reality that much of his self-protection is actually unresolved grief and fear disguised as responsibility.
00:24:41.519 --> 00:24:55.119
His story explores grief-based emotional avoidance, anticipatory loss, hyper-responsibility, and what happens when someone becomes so afraid of losing people that they love that they stop allowing themselves to fully love at all.
00:24:55.680 --> 00:25:05.839
And you know, I always wondered if I don't remember if this was in the book, but I know it was in the show, when he like was fooling around with the opera singer girl.
00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:14.079
Like I wonder if part of him like did it because he knew like he couldn't really be with her because she wasn't like someone of you know, whatever.
00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:16.720
And that was done that if she was a lady.
00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:18.559
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:21.759
And that was this part of his self-sabotage, too, right?
00:25:21.920 --> 00:25:22.559
Yeah.
00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:24.480
Uh he's so interesting.
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:42.880
Um, okay, presenting problem behaviors, pushing away emotional intimacy when relationships become vulnerable, using control and logic to avoid emotional honesty, sabotaging connection out of fear of loss and vulnerability, emotionally shutting down instead of expressing needs directly.
00:25:43.599 --> 00:25:56.319
Core themes, grief-based fear of attachment, self-sabotage through emotional avoidance, hyper control as emotional self-protection, and love becoming associated with loss and devastation.
00:25:56.720 --> 00:26:02.400
Core belief if I never fully let myself love someone, losing them won't destroy me.
00:26:02.720 --> 00:26:08.000
And that's real life facts that many of you can relate to.
00:26:08.400 --> 00:26:11.440
Many of us, all of us, the people, can relate to.
00:26:11.759 --> 00:26:12.640
We the people.
00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:13.759
We the people.
00:26:14.079 --> 00:26:29.119
Treatment goals and interventions, increase emotional awareness and direct communication, reduce avoidance-based relationship behaviors, challenge beliefs connecting vulnerability with danger, build tolerance for emotional intimacy and uncertainty.
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:46.799
What progress would look like um communicates emotions honestly instead of suppressing them, tolerates vulnerability without retreating into control, allows closeness without sabotaging connection, and recognizes that emotional intimacy is not weakness or danger.
00:26:47.039 --> 00:26:53.680
This sounds like um treatment goals and interventions for like real people that I'm working with.
00:26:53.920 --> 00:26:54.240
Yeah.
00:26:54.480 --> 00:26:54.720
Yeah.
00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:57.839
Because really, honestly, yeah, no, that is.
00:26:58.240 --> 00:26:58.720
Yeah.
00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:04.079
But it's like, again, like I said earlier, like self-sabotage is such a huge theme, you know.
00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:05.279
Um, all right.
00:27:05.359 --> 00:27:16.319
The outcome for him, Anthony's growth, is not about becoming emotionally fearless, it's about recognizing how much of his life has been shaped by unresolved grief and anticipatory fear.
00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:24.240
For years he convinced himself that emotional control was maturity and that avoiding deep attachment would somehow protect him from pain.
00:27:24.400 --> 00:27:32.319
But the real shift in his healing begins when he realizes that avoiding vulnerability is costing him the very connection he wants most.
00:27:32.720 --> 00:27:42.240
His story ultimately explores the difference between protecting yourself emotionally and emotional emotionally isolating yourself out of fear.
00:27:43.920 --> 00:27:44.319
Yeah.
00:27:45.119 --> 00:27:55.599
God, and just like I'm just thinking about him and like him and Kate having that amazing chemistry, and then he's like, but no, but no, and then he like just acts like he hates her.
00:27:55.759 --> 00:27:56.000
Yeah.
00:27:56.240 --> 00:28:01.279
And then they have that moment in the room where he's like he said something.
00:28:01.359 --> 00:28:06.960
Even the way he told her he loved her, it was like with such disgust, but like it was like, I love you.
00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:09.839
I forgot, you know, I forgot what he said.
00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:21.680
I like that it wasn't like as far as the book versus the show, whatever, I just like that it didn't feel it felt like they fell in love, or Edwina wasn't a problem in the books for me.
00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:22.160
Right.
00:28:22.319 --> 00:28:26.799
Like it was only in the show, and I get it because it makes it more like a scandal.
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:33.680
Yeah, but I like that in the books it was more so he was he made a decision.
00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:36.559
He was like, you know, this is the one.
00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:39.200
Yeah, you're the bane of my existence.
00:28:39.440 --> 00:28:44.000
He said, You were the bane of my existence and the object of all my desires.
00:28:44.240 --> 00:28:44.799
Yeah.
00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:49.119
Even the way he confesses love is so self-sabotagey.
00:28:49.359 --> 00:28:49.759
Yeah.
00:28:50.000 --> 00:28:52.240
Cause he can't like fully, you know what I mean?
00:28:52.400 --> 00:28:52.720
Yeah.
00:28:52.960 --> 00:28:59.119
But look what he did, like, even with the flowers, like in the show when he came to make sure she was okay.
00:28:59.359 --> 00:28:59.680
Yeah.
00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:02.640
You know, he went when he finally went.
00:29:02.880 --> 00:29:03.200
Yeah.
00:29:03.440 --> 00:29:10.160
That whole back and forth about him not wanting to go and he only visited that one time and then never again.
00:29:10.319 --> 00:29:14.079
So then when she woke up and she asked, you know, did did he visit?
00:29:14.240 --> 00:29:14.640
Mm-hmm.
00:29:14.960 --> 00:29:17.359
It was like, no, he didn't go, even though he should have.
00:29:17.599 --> 00:29:18.799
He should have, yeah.
00:29:19.039 --> 00:29:19.680
Yeah.
00:29:20.799 --> 00:29:24.480
But you know, eventually he got over all of it.
00:29:24.640 --> 00:29:24.799
Yeah.
00:29:25.039 --> 00:29:28.160
He opened up his heart, and they all lived happily ever after.
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:30.240
It's time for the treatment team meeting.
00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:30.720
Okay.
00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:33.039
All right, treatment team meeting.
00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:36.160
Clipboards out.
00:29:36.400 --> 00:29:39.200
Because self-sabotage doesn't happen in a vacuum.
00:29:39.440 --> 00:29:42.400
It usually develops for a reason.
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:44.480
What was the reason for that?
00:29:44.720 --> 00:29:45.599
What you just did.
00:29:46.319 --> 00:29:46.559
What?
00:29:47.119 --> 00:29:49.279
Because I pretty much said alright, treatment team meeting.
00:29:49.440 --> 00:29:52.000
Because like I didn't, I don't realize that's what you're saying.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:53.279
I'm just talking out loud.
00:29:54.480 --> 00:29:54.960
Hello.
00:29:55.440 --> 00:30:08.000
If they walked into our offices, okay go so if a lead walked into my office, my first impression would be she better not be stumbling in here.
00:30:08.799 --> 00:30:16.079
By now, if you're in therapy, I'm gonna need you to stand up to whomever and be like, fix my leg with your magic.
00:30:16.400 --> 00:30:17.440
Yeah, exactly.
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:18.720
Get an ankle burden.
00:30:18.880 --> 00:30:19.200
Okay.
00:30:19.680 --> 00:30:28.880
But my first impression would probably be this is someone who has learned very early that survival depends on being useful, observant, and invisible when necessary.
00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:40.480
She'd likely present as guarded but polite, capable, independent, the kind of client who minimizes everything because compared to what she survived, most things feel not bad enough to talk about.
00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:47.359
And I'd immediately wonder how much energy she spends making sure other people never realize how scared she is.
00:30:47.599 --> 00:30:49.200
Immediate clinical impressions.
00:30:49.440 --> 00:30:51.839
Alid gives chronic survival mode.
00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:57.680
She appears resourceful and emotionally intelligent, but underneath that there's significant hypervigilance.
00:30:57.839 --> 00:31:02.720
She scans constantly, plans ahead, expects danger.
00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:08.240
A lot of what initially looks like independence feels more like protective adaptation.
00:31:08.880 --> 00:31:11.759
Attachment-wise, she feels fearful, avoidant.
00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:16.319
She wants closeness, but she also deeply distrusts it.
00:31:16.640 --> 00:31:24.000
And much of her identity appears organized around survival, not necessarily around preference, joy, or self-concept.
00:31:24.559 --> 00:31:41.359
Alright, if Anthony walked into my office, I think the immediate question would be how much of his behavior how much of his behavior How much of his behavior is actually grief-driven fear disguised as responsibilities?
00:31:42.799 --> 00:31:52.240
Um, because on the surface he looks controlled, logical, and emotionally composed, but underneath that is someone deeply terrified of emotional devastation.
00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:59.119
So clinically he presents as emotionally avoidant, highly controlled, and extremely uncomfortable with vulnerability.
00:31:59.279 --> 00:32:11.759
But underneath that control is unresolved grief, chronic anticipatory anxiety, emotional rigidity, and someone who feels emotionally responsible for preventing future pain before it even happens.
00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:15.119
And I would say, what a distinguished gentleman.
00:32:15.200 --> 00:32:16.480
Look at his attire.
00:32:16.720 --> 00:32:17.359
Mm-hmm.
00:32:18.160 --> 00:32:20.640
Then I'd say it's two 2026.
00:32:21.759 --> 00:32:22.720
Put on a suit.
00:32:23.039 --> 00:32:27.119
Alright, so what they'd say the problem is versus what you know it is.
00:32:27.279 --> 00:32:27.680
Mm-hmm.
00:32:28.400 --> 00:32:28.720
Okay.
00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:38.960
So Elite would probably describe the issue as survival, staying safe, staying useful, not becoming vulnerable enough for people to hurt her.
00:32:39.200 --> 00:32:42.960
But clinically, the bigger issue feels like safety deprivation.
00:32:43.519 --> 00:32:50.240
Because when you spend years learning that dependence creates danger, self-protection becomes your personality.
00:32:50.559 --> 00:32:55.759
She doesn't just struggle to trust people, she struggles to believe rest is safe.
00:32:57.119 --> 00:32:57.519
Yeah.
00:32:57.759 --> 00:32:58.160
Yeah.
00:32:58.799 --> 00:33:00.480
That's so accurate for her.
00:33:02.319 --> 00:33:02.640
Right.
00:33:02.799 --> 00:33:05.839
I think Anthony would say things like I'm being practical.
00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:06.559
Anthony?
00:33:06.799 --> 00:33:07.359
Oh yeah.
00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:09.359
I'd see I switched up.
00:33:09.599 --> 00:33:15.519
I think Anthony would say things like I'm being practical or I'm doing what makes sense.
00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:23.759
But the reality is that he's trying to emotionally engineer relationships that feel survivable instead of emotionally honest.
00:33:24.640 --> 00:33:25.039
Yeah.
00:33:25.279 --> 00:33:25.680
Yeah.
00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:28.000
What we'd actually work on first.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:29.359
All the noises.
00:33:29.839 --> 00:33:30.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:33:32.480 --> 00:33:32.960
Alright, guys.
00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:33.519
We read.
00:33:33.680 --> 00:33:34.640
You should hear us reading.
00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:35.759
Yeah.
00:33:36.079 --> 00:33:37.599
They should hear us reading though.
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:42.000
We make so much noise when we'll have a watch party one day and you'll hear.
00:33:42.240 --> 00:33:43.920
Oh yeah, we can all read together.
00:33:44.079 --> 00:33:44.400
Okay.
00:33:44.640 --> 00:33:44.960
Alright.
00:33:45.119 --> 00:33:47.279
So what you'd actually work on first.
00:33:47.920 --> 00:33:54.880
So first for me, um, safety, not relationships, not romance, not even trauma processing yet.
00:33:55.119 --> 00:34:01.119
Because before anything else, a lead needs to answer what happens if you stop surviving long enough to exist.
00:34:01.440 --> 00:34:15.119
From there, nervous system regulation, reducing hyperindependence, identifying safe versus familiar dynamics, emotional expression, and building tolerance for receiving help.
00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:17.360
Yeah.
00:34:18.639 --> 00:34:25.199
For Anthony, I think the first thing we'd work on is helping him recognize when control becomes emotional avoidance.
00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:30.239
Because Anthony doesn't just avoid vulnerability, he intellectualizes it.
00:34:31.199 --> 00:34:31.840
Yeah.
00:34:32.079 --> 00:34:32.719
Yes.
00:34:33.519 --> 00:34:35.039
Right, counter transference.
00:34:35.199 --> 00:34:36.480
Counter transference.
00:34:36.880 --> 00:34:37.440
Yes.
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:48.400
So working with a lead, I'd probably feel protective, even though like I it's like I kind of don't want to, but I would just because like same.
00:34:48.639 --> 00:34:50.400
Ugh, just come here, you know.
00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:53.679
Let me just scrap your leg for you or something.
00:34:54.159 --> 00:35:00.559
Clients who survive impossible things while asking for almost nothing naturally pull for caretaking.
00:35:00.719 --> 00:35:01.039
Yeah.
00:35:01.199 --> 00:35:01.519
You know.
00:35:01.679 --> 00:35:02.719
Oh my god, yes.
00:35:02.880 --> 00:35:03.199
Yeah.
00:35:03.360 --> 00:35:07.039
I'd also have to watch for reinforcing her independence too much.
00:35:07.440 --> 00:35:11.679
Because people who appear strong often get rewarded for staying isolated.
00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:19.119
And Elite is very easy to accidentally praise for coping mechanisms that are actually keeping her lonely.
00:35:19.920 --> 00:35:20.480
Yeah.
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:21.360
Yeah.
00:35:22.559 --> 00:35:23.280
Wow, yeah.
00:35:23.360 --> 00:35:25.760
I think that safety is very important for her.
00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:26.159
Yeah.
00:35:26.400 --> 00:35:28.400
So that's a great like place to start.
00:35:28.639 --> 00:35:32.480
Or not start, but a good, like, it's that counter-transference feeling.
00:35:32.719 --> 00:35:33.039
Yeah.
00:35:33.280 --> 00:35:33.519
Yeah.
00:35:33.920 --> 00:35:34.400
Alright.
00:35:34.559 --> 00:35:42.639
Um, so with Anthony, I would probably be frustrated watching him repeatedly sabotage the exact thing that he wants.
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:44.880
And that's actually a common thing.
00:35:45.119 --> 00:35:48.320
Like, I get frustrated very not very easily.
00:35:48.480 --> 00:35:57.920
I get frustrated when I see people coming back every week saying the same thing after we just went over it and we're like, okay, so what are we gonna do differently, right?
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:02.960
So then it's like you see them doing the same thing, and then sometimes they're scared to come back and tell you.
00:36:03.119 --> 00:36:10.480
Like, I've had clients be like, I'm really embarrassed to tell you this or this, and I'm like, Why like why?
00:36:10.639 --> 00:36:13.119
You know, what does that embarrassment mean about you?
00:36:13.280 --> 00:36:15.199
Because it's me, I'm not judging you.
00:36:15.280 --> 00:36:17.679
I'm here to kind of you know, go here.
00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:21.199
She goes like Yeah, what was I saying?
00:36:21.760 --> 00:36:29.519
Yeah, so they can't the same thing every week, and it's like, don't be embarrassed to tell me that you did the thing again.
00:36:29.679 --> 00:36:33.440
Like, ask yourself why you did the thing again, like what was going on?
00:36:33.679 --> 00:36:42.400
So we process it, and then you know, again, here you go again, like three, four times they're coming back, and then I'm like, okay, we've been talking about the same thing for several weeks now.
00:36:42.480 --> 00:36:43.360
So, what's going on?
00:36:43.440 --> 00:36:45.119
What's getting in the way, really?
00:36:45.519 --> 00:36:47.840
And then, like, you know, so it's that.
00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:51.679
So that's kind of a thing that I get frustrated with in therapy.
00:36:51.840 --> 00:36:52.000
Yeah.
00:36:52.239 --> 00:36:54.719
Because it's like, oh my, what the fuck don't you get already?
00:36:54.800 --> 00:36:57.679
Like, stop doing the same shit, you're getting the same result.
00:36:58.000 --> 00:37:02.800
But like, you know, I don't react that way, obviously, because I'm professional, but I'm human.
00:37:03.039 --> 00:37:03.360
Yeah.
00:37:03.920 --> 00:37:09.199
But it's a good opportunity to like point the thing out and be like, Look, this is what you did last week.
00:37:09.360 --> 00:37:13.119
This is what you did, this is what you said you were gonna do, but this is what you did.
00:37:13.360 --> 00:37:13.760
Exactly.
00:37:13.920 --> 00:37:21.039
And then if you just show, like, ever look, they're like, Oh, I did it so many times, and you could be like, Yeah, and you could have corrected it so many times.
00:37:21.280 --> 00:37:27.840
Like, and I think I think even this year, like I had one client that kept saying, like, all right, this week I'm gonna blah blah.
00:37:28.079 --> 00:37:36.719
And then, like, it was like last week, and I was like, Okay, you've been telling me the same thing for six months, yeah.
00:37:36.880 --> 00:37:41.440
And then they're like, Holy shit, it's been six months that I'm doing the same thing.
00:37:41.599 --> 00:37:44.079
I'm like, Yeah, yeah.
00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:48.639
And then they're like then they had their moment, they realize, like, oh, you know.
00:37:49.920 --> 00:38:00.000
Um, but yeah, but with that said, there'd also be a lot of empathy because underneath all the control is someone who genuinely believes emotional safety is temporary.
00:38:00.719 --> 00:38:04.719
Um so yeah, that's my spiel on that.
00:38:05.039 --> 00:38:07.519
Okay, so our interventions.
00:38:09.039 --> 00:38:13.199
Okay, definitely trauma work, attachment work too.
00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:21.280
Um, I'd probably lean into parts work because so much of a lead feels organized around protective roles.
00:38:22.159 --> 00:38:25.199
Um, there'd also be a lot of work around identity development.
00:38:25.440 --> 00:38:28.559
Who are you when survival isn't the full-time job?
00:38:28.880 --> 00:38:34.800
And exposure around dependence, not dependence is weakness, dependence as connection.
00:38:35.119 --> 00:38:35.440
Okay.
00:38:36.559 --> 00:38:39.519
That sounds similar to Anthony as well.
00:38:39.840 --> 00:38:46.480
Um, I think there would be a lot of focus on grief processing because his dad, you know, huge loss for him.
00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:55.119
Uh, emotional awareness, attachment patterns, and helping him tolerate vulnerability without immediately retreating into control.
00:38:56.480 --> 00:38:57.840
Yeah, yeah.
00:38:59.039 --> 00:38:59.920
Hard truths.
00:39:00.239 --> 00:39:00.880
All right.
00:39:01.760 --> 00:39:09.199
Surviving alone kept you alive, but continuing to live like you're alone may be keeping you from feeling safe now.
00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:10.239
Yeah.
00:39:10.559 --> 00:39:10.960
Yeah.
00:39:11.280 --> 00:39:13.840
Because sometimes protection outlives the danger.
00:39:14.239 --> 00:39:14.559
Yeah.
00:39:14.800 --> 00:39:16.159
You know, it's so true.
00:39:16.719 --> 00:39:17.199
Wow.
00:39:17.760 --> 00:39:18.239
Yeah.
00:39:19.280 --> 00:39:20.639
Y'all hear that one?
00:39:21.119 --> 00:39:23.119
Protection outlives the danger.
00:39:23.360 --> 00:39:23.760
Yeah.
00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:26.719
And then what you're just stuck doing the same thing.
00:39:26.880 --> 00:39:27.360
Exactly.
00:39:27.519 --> 00:39:28.000
Mm-hmm.
00:39:28.400 --> 00:39:37.599
The hard truth for Anthony is that avoiding vulnerability doesn't actually protect you from pain, it just guarantees emotional loneliness.
00:39:38.559 --> 00:39:39.119
Yes.
00:39:39.360 --> 00:39:39.840
Yeah.
00:39:40.079 --> 00:39:40.719
Yeah.
00:39:41.519 --> 00:39:42.079
Alright.
00:39:42.159 --> 00:39:45.360
Well, how do we bring it back to real life for the people?
00:39:46.239 --> 00:39:58.400
Okay, so I think people can connect with a lead because they know what it feels like to become the reliable one, the capable one, the one who never asked for help because asking never felt safe.
00:39:58.639 --> 00:40:04.000
And a lot of adults are still asking if I stop holding everything together, who am I?
00:40:04.800 --> 00:40:05.280
Yeah.
00:40:05.440 --> 00:40:06.079
Yeah.
00:40:06.800 --> 00:40:07.920
Wow, that's so true.
00:40:08.079 --> 00:40:16.480
And again, going back to like what you were saying about like just avoiding it or not dealing with it, not taking responsibility for you know what you created.
00:40:16.639 --> 00:40:16.960
Yeah.
00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:19.119
And you had like Alita had nothing.
00:40:19.199 --> 00:40:20.400
Like she had no one, right?
00:40:20.480 --> 00:40:21.039
Her parents had to be.
00:40:21.280 --> 00:40:22.159
Nobody, nothing.
00:40:22.320 --> 00:40:26.400
And then her uncle was abusive and chained her up, locked her up.
00:40:26.639 --> 00:40:28.960
Like she literally couldn't rely on anyone.
00:40:29.039 --> 00:40:30.320
So I'm not even surprised.
00:40:31.920 --> 00:40:33.280
Why would you trust anyone?
00:40:33.599 --> 00:40:34.320
Why would you?
00:40:34.559 --> 00:40:38.159
You know, everyone you've known is either gone or hurt you.
00:40:38.400 --> 00:40:38.719
Yeah.
00:40:38.960 --> 00:40:39.519
Oh my god.
00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:43.280
And then her uncle was keeping her for that purpose.
00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:45.360
Disgusting.
00:40:45.599 --> 00:40:46.960
What a monster he is.
00:40:47.440 --> 00:40:48.320
Did he die yet?
00:40:48.480 --> 00:40:49.599
I don't think so.
00:40:50.000 --> 00:40:51.920
I don't think he died yet where we are.
00:40:52.079 --> 00:40:55.599
And I'm not this isn't spoiling anything because he deserves to die.
00:40:55.760 --> 00:40:57.920
Just like Arabin Hamill did.
00:40:59.840 --> 00:41:02.559
But I'm pretty sure I hope what?
00:41:03.280 --> 00:41:03.679
What?
00:41:03.920 --> 00:41:04.800
They're trying to hold you.
00:41:05.199 --> 00:41:06.239
Arabin Hamill.
00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:06.639
Yes.
00:41:06.880 --> 00:41:07.760
Arabin Hamel.
00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:09.599
What's his name?
00:41:09.840 --> 00:41:10.960
Arabin Hamel.
00:41:11.119 --> 00:41:11.360
Okay.
00:41:11.920 --> 00:41:14.159
You it's because I said a first and a last name?
00:41:14.400 --> 00:41:14.719
No.
00:41:14.880 --> 00:41:16.159
Oh, it's because I hate him.
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:17.039
Oh god.
00:41:17.599 --> 00:41:19.199
Alright, it's time for the pain.
00:41:19.519 --> 00:41:19.840
The pain.
00:41:20.079 --> 00:41:20.880
The pain and the plot.
00:41:21.920 --> 00:41:22.480
The pain?
00:41:22.639 --> 00:41:22.960
The pain?
00:41:23.360 --> 00:41:24.239
The pain and the plot.
00:41:24.559 --> 00:41:25.440
Okay, what's your time?
00:41:25.599 --> 00:41:26.000
What's your moment?
00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:28.719
Alright, Alid.
00:41:28.880 --> 00:41:34.639
My moment is when Elede emotionally pulls away from Lorgan after the betrayal involving Ailen.
00:41:35.039 --> 00:41:40.559
Despite everything, they survived together and despite how deeply attached she has become to him.
00:41:41.440 --> 00:42:03.599
The pain spent most of her life learning that emotional dependence creates vulnerability, raised in environments shaped by control, emotional abuse, instability, and fear under her uncle Vernon, learned to survive through hypervigilance, emotional guardiness, and self-reliance, minimize her own needs when surrounded by people willing and able to help her.
00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:04.559
The shift.
00:42:04.719 --> 00:42:15.760
Alid finally experiences genual emotional safety and attachment with Lorcan, but the moment that connection feels emotionally threatened, her survival instincts activate immediately.
00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:20.880
Instead of leaning into vulnerability, she pulls away emotionally to protect herself first.
00:42:21.039 --> 00:42:25.920
Her nervous system begins preparing for abandonment before abandonment has fully happened.
00:42:26.159 --> 00:42:28.159
But over time something slowly changes.
00:42:28.320 --> 00:42:33.679
Instead of staying emotionally distant forever, Elite eventually chooses connection anyway.
00:42:34.320 --> 00:42:34.800
Hmm.
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:41.360
Okay, and the plot, she spends most of her life emotionally preparing herself for loss before it can hurt her.
00:42:41.599 --> 00:42:47.920
She minimizes her needs, avoids dependence, and maintains emotional control through guardedness.
00:42:48.159 --> 00:42:56.960
So, like, even when probably these people came and killed their parents, you know, like she's probably on your guard your whole rest of your life.
00:42:57.039 --> 00:42:59.199
Like, I was supposed to be murdered too, maybe.
00:42:59.280 --> 00:43:01.519
Like, why didn't you know someone's gonna come get me?
00:43:02.079 --> 00:43:11.039
Just to have that feeling as a young child and you're just growing up, and she's like in solitary pretty much because Uncle Vernon had her locked up.
00:43:11.199 --> 00:43:11.840
Yeah.
00:43:12.239 --> 00:43:13.840
Um, but that's so true.
00:43:13.920 --> 00:43:19.119
Just physical Yeah, like being afraid for her physical safety too.
00:43:19.360 --> 00:43:20.400
Yeah, yeah.
00:43:21.039 --> 00:43:21.599
Alright.
00:43:21.840 --> 00:43:29.199
So um the real emotional payoff comes later during the battle when Alid goes looking for Lorgan anyway.
00:43:29.679 --> 00:43:33.119
Because that moment represents the opposite of self-sabotage.
00:43:33.280 --> 00:43:40.159
Instead of protecting herself through distance, she moves towards attachment despite fear, grief, and vulnerability.
00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:51.039
And if Alid had continued relying entirely on emotional self protection, she likely would have reinforced the belief that vulnerability is unsafe and connection always ends in pain.
00:43:51.280 --> 00:43:59.840
Instead, her story slowly becomes about learning that fear and love can exist together, and that connection may still be worth choosing anyway.
00:44:00.960 --> 00:44:03.599
Like Lorcan is just out there.
00:44:03.760 --> 00:44:04.880
Oh, I love him.
00:44:05.039 --> 00:44:10.960
Yeah, and I love that moment when she chose to like save him, protect him.
00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:12.639
Like she really said.
00:44:12.800 --> 00:44:16.880
She said, I'm gonna take that risk because I love him.
00:44:17.039 --> 00:44:17.199
Yeah.
00:44:17.440 --> 00:44:20.960
But Lorcan is out here, like, he's like obsessed with her.
00:44:21.199 --> 00:44:22.320
Like when they get to that point.
00:44:22.400 --> 00:44:25.519
Like he's crossing continents for her.
00:44:25.840 --> 00:44:30.400
And she's still like, you know, let me prepare for a disaster just in case.
00:44:30.639 --> 00:44:30.960
Right.
00:44:31.199 --> 00:44:31.599
Alright.
00:44:31.840 --> 00:44:41.440
So my moment is when Anthony repeatedly denies his feelings for Kate while continuing to pursue Edwina instead.
00:44:41.760 --> 00:44:42.239
Horrible.
00:44:42.480 --> 00:44:47.280
Despite clearly emotionally unraveling, the deeper his connection with Kate becomes.
00:44:47.440 --> 00:44:49.760
Like you can see him unraveling.
00:44:50.320 --> 00:44:53.920
And he still is like, I'm gonna ignore these feelings.
00:44:54.320 --> 00:44:58.880
Because he felt such a strong sense of duty and all that.
00:44:59.199 --> 00:44:59.760
Right.
00:45:01.119 --> 00:45:07.360
And Kate, like, in in the show at least, like she had her own issues too with like whatever.
00:45:07.679 --> 00:45:08.079
Yes.
00:45:08.239 --> 00:45:09.280
You know, so yeah.
00:45:09.760 --> 00:45:24.719
Anyway, the pain, associating deep love with inevitable grief and loss, trying to choose emotional safety over emotional honesty, sabotaging intimacy the second vulnerability becomes real, and believing control can prevent future heartbreak.
00:45:24.960 --> 00:45:28.639
The shift, Anthony admits his feelings instead of suppressing them.
00:45:28.880 --> 00:45:32.480
He stops using duty and control to emotionally avoid intimacy.
00:45:32.960 --> 00:45:40.400
Vulnerability becomes safer than emotional self-protection, and love becomes something he experiences instead of manages.
00:45:40.639 --> 00:45:49.039
The plot, less emotional confusion and self-sabotage within the relationship dynamic, healthier emotional communication and intimacy.
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:58.320
Anthony begins confronting his grief and fear of vulnerability earlier, and love becomes rooted in emotional honesty instead of emotional control.
00:45:58.639 --> 00:46:03.679
This man really said, I'd rather emotionally implode than admit I'm in love.
00:46:04.320 --> 00:46:13.599
And like I guess, you know, he eventually does go with his feelings and does all the things and they end up together, which is beautiful.
00:46:13.920 --> 00:46:16.880
And he feels safe in his love.
00:46:17.840 --> 00:46:19.920
Yeah, and so it worked out.
00:46:20.079 --> 00:46:22.079
And it's such a beautiful love story.
00:46:22.320 --> 00:46:22.880
Yeah.
00:46:23.199 --> 00:46:24.639
Like it really is.
00:46:25.440 --> 00:46:26.480
Yeah, it is.
00:46:26.719 --> 00:46:28.079
Was the pain worth the plot?
00:46:28.239 --> 00:46:41.840
Well, I feel like yeah, because he had to go through all of this to feel safe where he ended up and to realize and then obviously like no pain is ever worth anything.
00:46:42.159 --> 00:46:45.760
But it shaped him and it helped him and it pushed him.
00:46:46.000 --> 00:46:50.800
And imagine he never like said anything about his feelings about Kate.
00:46:50.880 --> 00:46:53.599
He would be in a situation where he wasn't really happy.
00:46:53.920 --> 00:46:54.239
Yeah.
00:46:54.480 --> 00:46:56.559
That would have been the real sabotage.
00:46:57.360 --> 00:47:00.400
Um cricket ball thing.
00:47:00.639 --> 00:47:01.119
Exactly.
00:47:01.199 --> 00:47:01.360
Yeah.
00:47:01.599 --> 00:47:07.039
And miserable with his wife wasn't competitive like him.
00:47:07.119 --> 00:47:08.239
And yeah.
00:47:08.559 --> 00:47:11.039
Not a good fit for the family environment.
00:47:11.280 --> 00:47:12.159
Exactly.
00:47:12.400 --> 00:47:14.880
Or w for their current family dynamics.
00:47:15.039 --> 00:47:15.280
Yeah.
00:47:15.920 --> 00:47:19.119
And they're so cute together now, and they have a baby.
00:47:19.679 --> 00:47:20.079
Yeah.
00:47:20.400 --> 00:47:24.559
In the most recent episode series, season.
00:47:24.719 --> 00:47:25.840
You know what I mean.
00:47:27.119 --> 00:47:29.119
Alright, is it time for fun?
00:47:29.679 --> 00:47:30.639
Yeah, it is.
00:47:30.880 --> 00:47:32.480
Alright, fun time.
00:47:32.960 --> 00:47:33.519
Alright.
00:47:33.760 --> 00:47:35.679
What are we ruining today?
00:47:36.159 --> 00:47:38.400
Choose your self-sabotage fighter.
00:47:38.639 --> 00:47:40.880
Unfortunately, they're all available.
00:47:41.599 --> 00:47:57.119
Alright, so the self-sabotage fighters, we have overthinking, procrastination, avoidance, perfectionism, people pleasing, imposter syndrome, fear of failure, fear of success, emotional shutdown, and hyperindependence.
00:47:57.360 --> 00:47:58.239
That's a lot.
00:47:58.559 --> 00:47:58.800
Yeah.
00:47:59.199 --> 00:47:59.920
But let's go.
00:48:01.039 --> 00:48:02.880
Alright, relationship addition.
00:48:03.039 --> 00:48:03.440
Mm-hmm.
00:48:03.760 --> 00:48:05.519
Which one do you think caused this?
00:48:05.679 --> 00:48:06.159
Mm-hmm.
00:48:06.480 --> 00:48:11.280
So you meet someone amazing and immediately start looking for reasons it won't work.
00:48:12.400 --> 00:48:16.400
Um I think maybe I'm saying overthinking.
00:48:16.719 --> 00:48:19.199
It could be also fear of failure.
00:48:20.800 --> 00:48:24.480
Uh you spend three weeks drafting a text and never send it.
00:48:25.440 --> 00:48:27.039
That one overthinker.
00:48:27.199 --> 00:48:32.719
I think overthinking, avoidance, yeah, procrastination, fear of failure.
00:48:32.960 --> 00:48:33.280
Yeah.
00:48:33.519 --> 00:48:38.239
Okay, you convince yourself they don't care before they have the chance to show you they do.
00:48:38.559 --> 00:48:40.719
I think that's fear of failure.
00:48:41.039 --> 00:48:42.639
No, not fear of failure.
00:48:42.960 --> 00:48:44.000
Overthinking?
00:48:44.239 --> 00:48:45.519
Yeah, I agree with that.
00:48:45.679 --> 00:48:46.079
All right.
00:48:46.400 --> 00:48:48.400
Maybe even imposter syndrome.
00:48:48.639 --> 00:48:49.039
Mm-hmm.
00:48:49.280 --> 00:48:50.320
Like in a weird way.
00:48:50.559 --> 00:48:51.840
Yeah, I get that.
00:48:52.079 --> 00:48:52.400
Okay.
00:48:52.639 --> 00:48:52.960
Alright.
00:48:53.119 --> 00:48:57.440
You keep your needs to yourself and then feel disappointed when nobody meets them.
00:48:58.239 --> 00:48:58.719
Emotional shit.
00:48:58.960 --> 00:48:59.920
Emotional shutdown.
00:49:00.239 --> 00:49:00.719
Yep.
00:49:00.960 --> 00:49:01.360
Yeah.
00:49:01.920 --> 00:49:02.239
Okay.
00:49:02.800 --> 00:49:06.159
You pull away the second things start feeling serious.
00:49:06.480 --> 00:49:06.800
Me.
00:49:08.960 --> 00:49:10.079
Work edition.
00:49:10.320 --> 00:49:10.800
Alright.
00:49:11.039 --> 00:49:15.039
You don't apply because you assume someone else is more qualified.
00:49:15.679 --> 00:49:16.320
Yeah.
00:49:16.559 --> 00:49:18.320
I think that's fear failure.
00:49:18.559 --> 00:49:19.199
Yeah.
00:49:20.239 --> 00:49:21.920
And also imposter syndrome.
00:49:22.159 --> 00:49:23.280
Yeah, yes, you're right.
00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:27.360
You spend hours perfecting something, nobody asks to be perfect.
00:49:27.599 --> 00:49:29.679
That's perfectionism and overthinking.
00:49:29.920 --> 00:49:30.400
Mm-hmm.
00:49:30.800 --> 00:49:31.280
Mm-hmm.
00:49:31.519 --> 00:49:31.840
Okay.
00:49:32.159 --> 00:49:35.039
You keep saying you're gonna start that project next week.
00:49:35.760 --> 00:49:39.519
Procrastination, avoidance, fear of failure.
00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:41.199
Fear of success.
00:49:41.440 --> 00:49:41.760
Yeah.
00:49:42.159 --> 00:49:44.480
You have a great idea, but never share it.
00:49:44.719 --> 00:49:46.800
Maybe overthinking is my first.
00:49:47.360 --> 00:49:47.679
Yeah.
00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:48.480
Mm-hmm.
00:49:49.360 --> 00:49:50.400
Or fear of failure.
00:49:50.719 --> 00:49:53.840
Because like if you share the idea and people are like, that's stupid.
00:49:54.559 --> 00:49:55.280
You know, yeah.
00:49:55.920 --> 00:49:59.440
You get positive feedback and immediately dismiss it.
00:50:00.719 --> 00:50:01.599
Who does that?
00:50:02.079 --> 00:50:02.719
Just kidding.
00:50:03.760 --> 00:50:10.639
Maybe I would say like it could be a little overthinking, maybe even like some avoidance.
00:50:12.159 --> 00:50:16.079
Um I'm thinking emotional shutdown too.
00:50:16.400 --> 00:50:17.519
Fear of success.
00:50:17.760 --> 00:50:18.159
Mm-hmm.
00:50:18.559 --> 00:50:19.199
Yeah.
00:50:21.199 --> 00:50:22.559
All right, some life stuff.
00:50:23.280 --> 00:50:28.079
You're unhappy in a situation, but convince yourself it's easier to stay than make a change.
00:50:28.400 --> 00:50:30.400
That's me, and I'm gonna tell you right now.
00:50:30.719 --> 00:50:34.719
Procrastination, avoidance, fear of being alone.
00:50:36.800 --> 00:50:37.679
Oh my god.
00:50:37.920 --> 00:50:38.239
Yeah.
00:50:39.280 --> 00:50:39.599
Okay.
00:50:40.320 --> 00:50:45.039
You don't tell anyone you're struggling because you should be able to handle it yourself.
00:50:45.679 --> 00:50:48.719
You just got the wrong people in your corner if you feel like that.
00:50:48.880 --> 00:50:49.280
Yeah.
00:50:50.079 --> 00:50:52.559
That so that is get new friends.
00:50:52.639 --> 00:50:52.880
Yeah.
00:50:53.119 --> 00:50:54.079
Get new people.
00:50:54.400 --> 00:50:54.880
Yeah.
00:50:55.199 --> 00:51:00.239
You avoid conversation for so long that the problem gets significantly worse.
00:51:00.400 --> 00:51:01.920
Oh my god, that was me.
00:51:02.400 --> 00:51:04.239
Avoidance, procrastination.
00:51:04.400 --> 00:51:04.880
Yeah.
00:51:05.119 --> 00:51:05.679
What else?
00:51:06.239 --> 00:51:06.480
Wow.
00:51:06.800 --> 00:51:13.440
Overthinking, procrastinating, avoidance, perfectionism, people pleasing, imposter syndrome.
00:51:13.679 --> 00:51:14.800
That is all of them.
00:51:15.039 --> 00:51:15.599
All of them.
00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:17.360
That one is all of them.
00:51:17.679 --> 00:51:18.159
Wow.
00:51:18.320 --> 00:51:18.719
Yeah.
00:51:19.039 --> 00:51:21.119
Hopefully this brings you clarity.
00:51:21.840 --> 00:51:22.320
Wow.
00:51:22.559 --> 00:51:23.440
No, I know.
00:51:23.679 --> 00:51:24.960
You already have the clarity.
00:51:25.199 --> 00:51:26.400
Yeah, this is old.
00:51:26.559 --> 00:51:27.840
This is old news.
00:51:28.079 --> 00:51:29.440
Like last week, me.
00:51:29.760 --> 00:51:30.400
Yeah.
00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:37.760
You spend so much time trying to make the perfect choice that you never make a choice at all.
00:51:38.239 --> 00:51:40.239
Oh my god, what is this?
00:51:40.480 --> 00:51:43.280
My fucking ingredients on the back of my body.
00:51:43.519 --> 00:51:45.280
Well, maybe like you self-sabotage.
00:51:45.599 --> 00:51:46.880
Self-sabotage, yeah, I forgot.
00:51:48.239 --> 00:51:50.320
Well, I got borderline personality.
00:51:50.400 --> 00:51:52.159
So what do you want from me?
00:51:54.480 --> 00:51:55.760
That's also a hint.
00:51:55.840 --> 00:51:58.800
If you sell sabotage a lot, you might have BPD.
00:51:58.960 --> 00:51:59.360
Yeah.
00:51:59.679 --> 00:52:00.880
Just look into it.
00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:01.840
It's treatable.
00:52:03.360 --> 00:52:04.400
With some DBT.
00:52:04.800 --> 00:52:05.440
DBT.
00:52:05.519 --> 00:52:05.760
All right.
00:52:06.000 --> 00:52:06.639
BPD.
00:52:07.119 --> 00:52:10.719
You keep helping everyone else while you quietly burn yourself out.
00:52:10.960 --> 00:52:12.159
People pleasing.
00:52:13.119 --> 00:52:13.679
Period.
00:52:13.920 --> 00:52:14.320
Period.
00:52:14.559 --> 00:52:15.039
Next.
00:52:15.280 --> 00:52:15.920
Chaos.
00:52:16.079 --> 00:52:16.480
Alright.
00:52:16.559 --> 00:52:21.599
You create an entire worst-case scenario in your head and react to it as if it already happened.
00:52:21.760 --> 00:52:22.400
Yes, that's me.
00:52:23.039 --> 00:52:23.760
Overthinking.
00:52:24.159 --> 00:52:26.639
Every Monday morning on my way to work.
00:52:27.119 --> 00:52:30.000
Overthinking and all of the above.
00:52:30.079 --> 00:52:30.400
Yeah.
00:52:30.800 --> 00:52:32.000
You say I'm fine.
00:52:32.239 --> 00:52:32.960
Oh Lord.
00:52:33.280 --> 00:52:37.280
And then become mysteriously unavailable for three business days.
00:52:38.159 --> 00:52:39.440
Well, you tell me.
00:52:40.960 --> 00:52:42.000
That's part of life.
00:52:42.079 --> 00:52:43.199
You just need space.
00:52:44.239 --> 00:52:44.559
Okay.
00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:50.159
You refuse help, then complain, nobody helps you.
00:52:50.239 --> 00:52:50.800
My mom.
00:52:50.960 --> 00:52:51.360
Mm-hmm.
00:52:51.519 --> 00:52:52.000
Yeah.
00:52:52.320 --> 00:52:56.559
So what a-spend so long researching the decision that the opportunity.
00:52:56.719 --> 00:52:59.679
Oh my god, that was me with my Rothys the other day.
00:52:59.840 --> 00:53:03.920
I was like, oh, I want some Rothys, and then I'm like trying to pick out which ones I want.
00:53:04.159 --> 00:53:07.840
And by the time I decided what I want, the sale is over.
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:10.559
So I ended up paying full price for it yesterday.
00:53:10.800 --> 00:53:11.440
Oh my god.
00:53:11.920 --> 00:53:16.000
When I got the same exact thing that was in my cart back when the sale was on.
00:53:16.239 --> 00:53:17.280
Oh my god.
00:53:17.760 --> 00:53:18.719
But it's whatever.
00:53:18.960 --> 00:53:19.599
Yeah.
00:53:20.719 --> 00:53:22.000
Roth these sponsor us.
00:53:22.159 --> 00:53:24.480
I'm about to be throwing your shoes in the washing machine.
00:53:24.800 --> 00:53:26.800
They're made from like a hundred percent.
00:53:27.119 --> 00:53:29.360
Or I I don't know, actually.
00:53:29.440 --> 00:53:30.960
I think they're made from water shoes.
00:53:31.440 --> 00:53:32.320
Just talk it.
00:53:32.559 --> 00:53:32.880
Yeah.
00:53:33.119 --> 00:53:33.440
Okay.
00:53:33.840 --> 00:53:38.000
You finally get what you've always wanted and suddenly lose interest.
00:53:38.239 --> 00:53:39.440
Oh my god.
00:53:40.960 --> 00:53:42.639
What is that called?
00:53:43.280 --> 00:53:45.039
My life, my life, my life.
00:53:45.280 --> 00:53:45.440
Yeah.
00:53:45.599 --> 00:53:46.880
Do you relate to all of these?
00:53:47.039 --> 00:53:47.360
Yeah.
00:53:47.599 --> 00:53:49.360
I'm fucking self-sabotage.
00:53:49.679 --> 00:53:50.320
Yes, you are.
00:53:51.679 --> 00:53:54.239
And I'm what's the opposite of self-sabotage?
00:53:54.480 --> 00:53:55.280
Trigger fingering.
00:53:55.760 --> 00:53:57.440
But that could be self-sabotage too.
00:53:57.920 --> 00:53:58.639
It is, right?
00:53:58.800 --> 00:54:03.039
Because I'm trying to be perfect and not have any criticisms.
00:54:03.199 --> 00:54:05.679
And yeah, it's a different self-sabotage.
00:54:06.000 --> 00:54:07.360
You're just doing life different.
00:54:07.599 --> 00:54:07.920
Mm-hmm.
00:54:08.079 --> 00:54:08.239
Alright.
00:54:08.639 --> 00:54:09.519
Not anymore.
00:54:09.840 --> 00:54:12.079
No, I'm slowing down apparently.
00:54:12.400 --> 00:54:13.039
Alright.
00:54:13.280 --> 00:54:14.719
No explanations.
00:54:15.440 --> 00:54:16.400
Rapid fire.
00:54:16.480 --> 00:54:17.599
I hate it already.
00:54:17.760 --> 00:54:18.079
Okay.
00:54:18.400 --> 00:54:18.719
Okay.
00:54:19.119 --> 00:54:21.679
Which self-sabotage fighter caused this?
00:54:21.920 --> 00:54:23.280
A missed opportunity.
00:54:23.519 --> 00:54:24.639
Procrastination.
00:54:25.440 --> 00:54:26.639
Um avoidance.
00:54:26.960 --> 00:54:28.239
Overthinking, avoidance.
00:54:28.400 --> 00:54:28.719
Yeah.
00:54:29.039 --> 00:54:30.079
Fear of failure.
00:54:30.719 --> 00:54:31.039
Yeah.
00:54:31.440 --> 00:54:32.719
Unread text.
00:54:33.039 --> 00:54:33.760
Avoidance.
00:54:34.480 --> 00:54:35.440
Procrastination.
00:54:36.079 --> 00:54:36.480
Yeah.
00:54:36.800 --> 00:54:38.000
Overthinking.
00:54:38.480 --> 00:54:39.119
Yeah.
00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:41.119
Stayed too long.
00:54:41.840 --> 00:54:43.119
Story of my past life.
00:54:43.360 --> 00:54:46.719
Avoidance, procrastination, fear of loneliness.
00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:50.960
Uh fear of failure.
00:54:51.360 --> 00:54:52.559
Failure to launch.
00:54:52.800 --> 00:54:53.840
Failure to launch.
00:54:54.079 --> 00:54:54.800
All the above.
00:54:54.880 --> 00:54:55.280
Yeah.
00:54:55.519 --> 00:54:56.719
Left too early.
00:54:56.880 --> 00:54:57.920
What's that like?
00:54:58.159 --> 00:54:59.920
Hyperindependence.
00:55:00.480 --> 00:55:01.679
Hyperindependence.
00:55:01.840 --> 00:55:03.039
Emotional shutdown.
00:55:03.199 --> 00:55:04.559
Fear of success.
00:55:05.280 --> 00:55:07.360
Um and overthinking.
00:55:07.760 --> 00:55:08.719
We're the opposite.
00:55:08.960 --> 00:55:11.119
Even stay too long, left too early.
00:55:11.679 --> 00:55:13.119
That's crazy.
00:55:13.599 --> 00:55:14.480
That's us.
00:55:15.039 --> 00:55:16.400
Didn't ask for help.
00:55:16.559 --> 00:55:19.280
Well, didn't ask for help could be people pleasing.
00:55:19.360 --> 00:55:21.360
You know, you're just like trying to make it convenient.
00:55:21.599 --> 00:55:23.519
Like, oh, you know, I don't need anything.
00:55:23.599 --> 00:55:24.400
You you're fine.
00:55:24.639 --> 00:55:25.360
Like so.
00:55:25.760 --> 00:55:28.239
Yeah, I can see that in there.
00:55:28.960 --> 00:55:31.199
Um, talk yourself out of it.
00:55:31.760 --> 00:55:32.400
Overthinking.
00:55:32.719 --> 00:55:34.079
Overthinking, yeah.
00:55:34.320 --> 00:55:36.960
Oh, fumble the green flag.
00:55:37.760 --> 00:55:39.039
Got up in there.
00:55:39.679 --> 00:55:41.679
Fumble the green flag.
00:55:42.000 --> 00:55:42.639
Yeah.
00:55:43.599 --> 00:55:44.719
What was that?
00:55:44.960 --> 00:55:48.400
That was um probably.
00:55:48.719 --> 00:55:53.840
It was fear of success because I'm like, okay, if this works, like this was a great scenario for me to be in.
00:55:53.920 --> 00:56:04.880
But if this works, I'm gonna be like living a different lifestyle and doing different things and like not ever really getting a chance to do anything for myself, like in a way.
00:56:05.280 --> 00:56:10.800
So it's like it would have worked, but then my whole life would have been different, and I didn't, you know.
00:56:11.119 --> 00:56:11.679
Wow.
00:56:11.920 --> 00:56:12.320
Yeah.
00:56:13.119 --> 00:56:17.360
See, that's so funny because I would be like, Oh my god, like you fucked up, like you failed.
00:56:17.440 --> 00:56:18.800
Why did you fumble that green flag?
00:56:19.039 --> 00:56:19.840
Like, you know what I mean?
00:56:20.159 --> 00:56:21.119
How do we get along?
00:56:21.280 --> 00:56:22.400
How are we best friends?
00:56:22.639 --> 00:56:28.400
Because we're different, because we're different, but the same in some weird way.
00:56:28.719 --> 00:56:31.039
Alright, ignore good advice.
00:56:31.440 --> 00:56:33.599
You, you would do it all the time.
00:56:33.840 --> 00:56:34.400
Yeah, I know.
00:56:34.480 --> 00:56:35.519
That's avoidance.
00:56:35.760 --> 00:56:36.639
Yes, avoidance.
00:56:36.880 --> 00:56:39.679
Over number two, avoided the conversation.
00:56:39.760 --> 00:56:41.280
What's that called?
00:56:42.159 --> 00:56:43.599
Monday morning.
00:56:45.440 --> 00:56:47.360
Waited for the perfect time.
00:56:47.599 --> 00:56:50.079
Avoidance, procrastination.
00:56:50.639 --> 00:56:52.960
Yeah, there's no perfect time for anything.
00:56:53.679 --> 00:56:54.719
The time is now.
00:56:54.960 --> 00:56:55.440
Yeah.
00:56:55.679 --> 00:56:57.360
Self-fulfilling prophecy.
00:56:57.519 --> 00:56:58.159
Oh lord.
00:56:58.400 --> 00:56:59.280
Oh yeah.
00:56:59.760 --> 00:57:00.880
That's the one.
00:57:01.119 --> 00:57:02.000
That's the one.
00:57:02.159 --> 00:57:02.559
Mm-hmm.
00:57:02.800 --> 00:57:03.920
I don't have words.
00:57:04.239 --> 00:57:05.119
Just period.
00:57:05.360 --> 00:57:06.320
Yeah, just okay.
00:57:06.719 --> 00:57:07.280
I am.
00:57:07.519 --> 00:57:07.920
Yeah.
00:57:08.559 --> 00:57:10.800
But just avoidance is a big one.
00:57:11.039 --> 00:57:14.000
Avoidance and procrastinating and overthinking.
00:57:14.079 --> 00:57:14.480
Mm-hmm.
00:57:14.639 --> 00:57:22.079
But I think it's the avoidance because then you're like, oh, I'm not gonna get it done, and then you don't get it done because you didn't fucking get up to do the thing.
00:57:22.239 --> 00:57:22.559
Yeah.
00:57:22.800 --> 00:57:24.320
Burned yourself out.
00:57:25.920 --> 00:57:27.440
People pleasing, probably.
00:57:27.679 --> 00:57:28.000
Yeah.
00:57:28.239 --> 00:57:28.639
Yeah.
00:57:28.880 --> 00:57:31.039
Let fear make the decision.
00:57:31.760 --> 00:57:32.800
I don't even know.
00:57:33.280 --> 00:57:35.519
Yeah, that could be that could go many ways.
00:57:35.679 --> 00:57:36.320
Yeah.
00:57:36.800 --> 00:57:38.800
Yeah, but I guess avoidance.
00:57:39.119 --> 00:57:39.519
Mm-hmm.
00:57:39.760 --> 00:57:40.400
Yeah.
00:57:40.880 --> 00:57:41.360
Mm-hmm.
00:57:41.760 --> 00:57:43.840
Okay, assume the worse.
00:57:44.639 --> 00:57:46.239
Generational trauma.
00:57:46.480 --> 00:57:47.119
Yeah.
00:57:48.000 --> 00:57:49.679
On to our next mini-game.
00:57:49.840 --> 00:57:52.559
Alright, welcome to That's Not What Your Therapist Said.
00:57:52.800 --> 00:57:54.719
A game about the advice we received.
00:57:54.960 --> 00:57:58.159
And the completely different message our brains somehow walk away with.
00:57:58.400 --> 00:57:58.960
Alright.
00:57:59.199 --> 00:57:59.519
Okay.
00:57:59.760 --> 00:58:03.840
One of us will read a statement and the other one will say what my brain heard.
00:58:04.079 --> 00:58:04.400
Okay.
00:58:04.880 --> 00:58:05.199
Okay.
00:58:05.519 --> 00:58:06.079
Go first.
00:58:06.320 --> 00:58:10.559
This is a dangerous game to play with me because like I can barely hear out of my left ear.
00:58:10.880 --> 00:58:11.199
Okay.
00:58:11.599 --> 00:58:11.920
Okay.
00:58:12.559 --> 00:58:13.760
Well, what did your brain hear?
00:58:13.920 --> 00:58:14.639
Not your ears.
00:58:14.880 --> 00:58:16.320
Well, my ears gotta go through.
00:58:16.400 --> 00:58:17.199
My brain goes through.
00:58:17.519 --> 00:58:18.000
Alright.
00:58:18.400 --> 00:58:18.719
Okay.
00:58:19.039 --> 00:58:19.760
Here we go.
00:58:19.920 --> 00:58:20.239
Alright.
00:58:20.400 --> 00:58:21.199
Let's see.
00:58:21.599 --> 00:58:24.400
What did the self-sabotaging brain hear?
00:58:24.639 --> 00:58:24.960
Okay.
00:58:25.440 --> 00:58:27.119
You deserve support.
00:58:28.000 --> 00:58:32.400
Okay, when you said that, my brain heard something's wrong with me.
00:58:32.719 --> 00:58:33.039
Okay.
00:58:34.719 --> 00:58:35.360
Yeah.
00:58:35.599 --> 00:58:37.840
You don't have to do everything yourself.
00:58:38.079 --> 00:58:39.440
What did your brain hear?
00:58:39.679 --> 00:58:45.199
My brain heard that like you're validating me somehow.
00:58:45.519 --> 00:58:45.840
Okay.
00:58:46.800 --> 00:58:47.440
Wow.
00:58:47.760 --> 00:58:51.039
See, I didn't even take you deserve support as validation.
00:58:51.119 --> 00:58:52.880
I took it as something's wrong with me.
00:58:53.039 --> 00:58:53.199
Yeah.
00:58:53.360 --> 00:58:58.000
And that goes back to my childhood trauma of always being criticized.
00:58:58.239 --> 00:58:58.880
Wow.
00:58:59.119 --> 00:59:01.280
It's okay to make mistakes.
00:59:01.599 --> 00:59:03.039
I fucked up.
00:59:06.159 --> 00:59:06.880
Alright.
00:59:07.440 --> 00:59:10.000
Um, you should communicate your needs.
00:59:11.519 --> 00:59:16.239
My brain heard that my needs are worth communicating.
00:59:16.639 --> 00:59:16.960
Okay.
00:59:17.679 --> 00:59:20.159
Yeah, like you're you're you deserve to be heard.
00:59:20.480 --> 00:59:20.639
Yeah.
00:59:20.800 --> 00:59:20.960
Yeah.
00:59:21.119 --> 00:59:21.679
I love that.
00:59:21.760 --> 00:59:22.000
Okay.
00:59:22.159 --> 00:59:24.239
You can't control what other people think.
00:59:25.440 --> 00:59:27.519
What I heard is yes, I can.
00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.480
I just gotta like do the right thing.
00:59:30.880 --> 00:59:33.360
And then they'll think better.
00:59:33.840 --> 00:59:34.559
Oh wow.
00:59:34.719 --> 00:59:35.760
Mm-hmm.
00:59:36.400 --> 00:59:37.039
Alright.
00:59:37.519 --> 00:59:40.639
You deserve healthy relationships.
00:59:41.760 --> 00:59:47.199
What my brain heard was that I'm being called out for my unhealthy relationships.
00:59:47.519 --> 00:59:47.840
Okay.
00:59:48.000 --> 00:59:48.239
Yeah.
00:59:48.480 --> 00:59:48.880
Fair.
00:59:49.360 --> 00:59:51.119
You don't have to earn rest.
00:59:52.320 --> 00:59:57.679
Um, my brain heard, yeah, you're absolutely right, because I love to do nothing all day long.
00:59:57.920 --> 00:59:58.719
So yeah.
00:59:58.960 --> 01:00:00.800
I don't need to earn my rest.
01:00:01.280 --> 01:00:03.840
Um, perfection isn't required.
01:00:04.480 --> 01:00:14.480
What my brain heard was that, like, maybe I wanted to be better, and someone is comforting me by saying that perfection isn't required.
01:00:14.719 --> 01:00:15.039
Okay.
01:00:16.000 --> 01:00:16.960
I like that.
01:00:17.360 --> 01:00:19.119
You can ask for help.
01:00:19.440 --> 01:00:22.239
Doesn't that sound the same as you deserve support?
01:00:22.480 --> 01:00:22.800
No.
01:00:23.119 --> 01:00:24.000
Okay, we'll see.
01:00:24.079 --> 01:00:25.039
That's where my brain went.
01:00:25.199 --> 01:00:28.000
Doesn't that sound the same as you deserve support?
01:00:28.239 --> 01:00:32.400
But like, even depending on how you say it, that's why I was like, you can ask for help.
01:00:33.199 --> 01:00:34.719
Like, you can ask for help.
01:00:34.880 --> 01:00:37.360
Like if something's going on with you, like you can ask for help.
01:00:37.760 --> 01:00:39.360
Somebody else doesn't have to come and help you.
01:00:39.840 --> 01:00:42.960
That's a really important point, also, is like how you say it, right?
01:00:43.039 --> 01:00:43.679
Yeah.
01:00:44.400 --> 01:00:50.559
Um, yeah, you can ask for help just like plain and simple.
01:00:50.719 --> 01:00:50.960
Yeah.
01:00:51.119 --> 01:00:52.159
Without a tone.
01:00:52.320 --> 01:00:57.679
I hear like um, like you don't need to do everything on your own.
01:00:57.840 --> 01:00:58.800
Like you can ask for help.
01:00:58.960 --> 01:01:01.119
So I guess I took that in a positive way.
01:01:01.440 --> 01:01:01.760
Okay.
01:01:02.559 --> 01:01:03.360
Alright.
01:01:03.599 --> 01:01:06.559
Um, you don't need to have everything figured out.
01:01:08.159 --> 01:01:10.000
I feel like I say that to you.
01:01:10.320 --> 01:01:10.800
That's why.
01:01:11.039 --> 01:01:15.519
Yeah, what my brain heard was that like I don't have everything figured out.
01:01:16.159 --> 01:01:17.840
Okay, I'm gonna stop saying that.
01:01:18.320 --> 01:01:19.840
Because that's not true.
01:01:20.239 --> 01:01:21.360
It's alright, Ella.
01:01:21.679 --> 01:01:21.840
Yeah.
01:01:22.159 --> 01:01:22.480
Okay.
01:01:23.039 --> 01:01:24.880
You can take up space.
01:01:25.679 --> 01:01:27.440
I heard like I matter.
01:01:28.400 --> 01:01:29.039
Yeah.
01:01:29.920 --> 01:01:30.960
So that's a good one.
01:01:31.119 --> 01:01:31.440
Okay.
01:01:31.760 --> 01:01:34.000
Not everyone is gonna like you.
01:01:35.119 --> 01:01:38.400
What I heard is that someone doesn't like me.
01:01:38.559 --> 01:01:39.119
Mm-hmm.
01:01:40.400 --> 01:01:42.639
You should be proud of your progress.
01:01:43.840 --> 01:01:52.159
Um I take that as I should be proud of my progress because somebody it's usually you saying that, right?
01:01:52.559 --> 01:02:01.840
So it's you recognizing that I've improved on something, and it's nice that somebody can recognize that and validate that.
01:02:02.000 --> 01:02:03.119
So yes.
01:02:03.599 --> 01:02:03.920
Okay.
01:02:04.320 --> 01:02:04.800
Right.
01:02:05.119 --> 01:02:07.360
You're allowed to set boundaries.
01:02:09.039 --> 01:02:17.440
What my brain heard was that like something's going on, and maybe I didn't set a boundary, and I'm trying to ask why people are crossing it.
01:02:17.679 --> 01:02:18.000
Okay.
01:02:18.559 --> 01:02:19.519
That's fair.
01:02:20.320 --> 01:02:20.960
Love that.
01:02:21.360 --> 01:02:21.519
Okay.
01:02:21.920 --> 01:02:22.239
Okay.
01:02:22.559 --> 01:02:24.079
Things can go well.
01:02:25.360 --> 01:02:28.800
Well, I heard that I mean it can go well.
01:02:30.480 --> 01:02:31.119
Yeah.
01:02:31.599 --> 01:02:34.639
What I heard in my brain is like I'm doubting something.
01:02:34.880 --> 01:02:35.199
Yeah.
01:02:35.360 --> 01:02:38.079
And like somebody saying, Well, like things can go well.
01:02:38.400 --> 01:02:40.239
Like it doesn't have to be negative.
01:02:40.480 --> 01:02:40.719
Yeah.
01:02:40.960 --> 01:02:44.400
So yeah, that was my first what my brain heard.
01:02:45.039 --> 01:02:46.639
Alright, rapid fire.
01:02:46.880 --> 01:02:47.199
Okay.
01:02:47.440 --> 01:02:48.079
No thinking.
01:02:48.400 --> 01:02:49.840
Just emotional damage.
01:02:50.159 --> 01:02:51.519
All right, we'll go one for one.
01:02:51.599 --> 01:02:52.159
You go first.
01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:53.599
Trust yourself.
01:02:55.599 --> 01:02:56.239
Yeah.
01:02:57.119 --> 01:02:58.559
My brain heard.
01:02:59.039 --> 01:03:01.519
Yeah, trust yourself because you know you better.
01:03:01.760 --> 01:03:02.079
Yeah.
01:03:02.239 --> 01:03:02.719
Mm-hmm.
01:03:03.199 --> 01:03:03.440
Okay.
01:03:03.679 --> 01:03:04.079
Alright.
01:03:04.239 --> 01:03:05.280
Be vulnerable.
01:03:05.920 --> 01:03:08.559
That I'm too um hardened right now.
01:03:08.800 --> 01:03:09.119
Okay.
01:03:10.400 --> 01:03:12.000
Let people help you.
01:03:13.440 --> 01:03:13.760
Um.
01:03:15.760 --> 01:03:18.320
Yeah, that I need to be more open to that.
01:03:18.639 --> 01:03:20.400
To people helping me if I need it.
01:03:20.719 --> 01:03:22.320
Alright, take the risk.
01:03:22.960 --> 01:03:33.519
Oh, I mean, that immediately means that like I don't take risks, which I don't ever, because I overthink everything and want to control the outcome.
01:03:33.760 --> 01:03:34.559
So yeah.
01:03:34.880 --> 01:03:35.599
Take the risk.
01:03:36.159 --> 01:03:37.440
Give yourself grace.
01:03:37.679 --> 01:03:39.119
I'm being too hard on myself.
01:03:39.360 --> 01:03:39.679
Okay.
01:03:40.320 --> 01:03:41.599
You are enough.
01:03:42.880 --> 01:03:48.480
I hear somebody telling me that because they feel like they can read that I don't feel that way about myself.
01:03:48.719 --> 01:03:49.679
Slow down.
01:03:50.239 --> 01:03:52.719
Um, maybe I'm moving too fast.
01:03:52.960 --> 01:03:54.000
That's not even for you.
01:03:54.079 --> 01:03:55.440
That should be for me.
01:03:55.760 --> 01:03:56.960
But okay.
01:03:57.519 --> 01:03:59.199
I have my moments, okay?
01:03:59.360 --> 01:04:02.400
When I'm up and I'm on some shit.
01:04:03.039 --> 01:04:06.400
It doesn't happen a lot, but when it does, like I'm really on it.
01:04:06.480 --> 01:04:08.880
Like that's how I ended up getting the job in Alaska.
01:04:09.119 --> 01:04:09.440
Remember?
01:04:09.599 --> 01:04:10.000
Oh, yeah.
01:04:10.239 --> 01:04:12.800
I had those three shots of espresso, those three extra shots.
01:04:13.039 --> 01:04:14.000
Okay, yes, you're right.
01:04:14.159 --> 01:04:16.719
Sometimes I wake up and I'm like super fucking manic.
01:04:17.039 --> 01:04:18.159
It's so rare with you though.
01:04:18.480 --> 01:04:20.239
Yeah, but when it happens, it's a big deal.
01:04:20.559 --> 01:04:20.880
Yeah.
01:04:21.119 --> 01:04:22.320
Okay, that's fair.
01:04:22.639 --> 01:04:22.960
Okay.
01:04:23.679 --> 01:04:26.159
Um, you don't need to be perfect.
01:04:26.480 --> 01:04:27.280
Yes, I do.
01:04:27.440 --> 01:04:28.159
What do you mean?
01:04:28.639 --> 01:04:33.840
I can't be anything but just be yourself.
01:04:34.639 --> 01:04:37.440
Yeah, because there's no one else I can be.
01:04:37.599 --> 01:04:38.159
Mm-hmm.
01:04:39.519 --> 01:04:39.840
Okay.
01:04:40.400 --> 01:04:41.920
You can do hard things.
01:04:42.320 --> 01:04:49.199
You've actually told me this before, and like I can, and I believe that now, because I have.
01:04:49.519 --> 01:04:51.119
Yes, you can and you did.
01:04:51.360 --> 01:04:51.760
Yep.
01:04:52.320 --> 01:04:52.800
Alright.
01:04:53.119 --> 01:04:53.760
Yeah, alright.
01:04:53.920 --> 01:04:54.639
Any wrap-up?
01:04:55.360 --> 01:04:58.480
Any wrap-up for the people for self-sabotage?
01:04:59.280 --> 01:05:01.119
Give us some wise words.
01:05:03.119 --> 01:05:03.440
Okay.
01:05:03.840 --> 01:05:05.199
You gotta hear me out.
01:05:05.360 --> 01:05:05.760
Mm-hmm.
01:05:06.159 --> 01:05:09.920
Self-sabotage is exactly what it sounds like.
01:05:10.159 --> 01:05:12.559
It's just sabotaging yourself.
01:05:12.880 --> 01:05:14.800
Why would you want to do that?
01:05:15.440 --> 01:05:16.559
It's like, why?
01:05:16.800 --> 01:05:22.880
Because when you eventually do the thing, you're gonna feel like an idiot because you're gonna be like, oh my god, it was not even that serious.
01:05:23.599 --> 01:05:27.679
You're you're gonna end up doing the thing anyway, so why not do it now?
01:05:27.920 --> 01:05:28.559
Yeah.
01:05:29.280 --> 01:05:36.800
Instead of staying in your own way or talk to the person or cut them off or walk away or literally whatever.
01:05:36.960 --> 01:05:37.679
Just do it now.
01:05:37.760 --> 01:05:41.119
Because if you're gonna eventually do it, why wait?
01:05:41.679 --> 01:05:46.719
Yeah, and like also, like you always told me this thing when I was going through some stuff.
01:05:46.880 --> 01:05:59.519
You're like, if you're not gonna do that thing, then stop saying it until you're ready to actually do it, because then you're just reinforcing the negative feeling you get when you don't complete that.
01:06:00.320 --> 01:06:00.559
Exactly.
01:06:01.039 --> 01:06:02.400
It's like even on Finch.
01:06:02.719 --> 01:06:09.119
I had um I had like two two little um goals that I had for myself for the day.
01:06:09.360 --> 01:06:11.440
And like I wasn't doing them as much anymore.
01:06:11.760 --> 01:06:16.159
So I just took them off because look obviously they're not a main priority for me right now.
01:06:16.320 --> 01:06:16.400
Right.
01:06:16.639 --> 01:06:23.679
But I don't want to see like that I didn't complete that goal today because it just makes me look like oh you forgot you didn't you couldn't handle it.
01:06:23.840 --> 01:06:24.719
Yeah, no, I get that.
01:06:24.960 --> 01:06:27.360
It's just clearly just not a priority right now.
01:06:27.599 --> 01:06:28.719
Yeah, I get that.
01:06:28.800 --> 01:06:30.000
Yeah, I do that too.
01:06:30.719 --> 01:06:31.440
I do that too.
01:06:31.599 --> 01:06:32.880
So I I totally get that.
01:06:33.360 --> 01:06:33.599
Yeah.
01:06:34.079 --> 01:06:35.599
Yeah, just do the thing.
01:06:36.000 --> 01:06:45.519
Because if you want to know the outcome and you're overthinking all the possible outcomes, you're not going to know that you're never gonna know unless you just do the thing.
01:06:45.920 --> 01:07:00.079
And listen, it's better to know the outcome as soon as possible so you can move on with your life instead of like continuing to just be where you are and be comfortable, which is probably not the best thing anyway.
01:07:00.559 --> 01:07:15.679
You know, and I'm saying from personal experience, like I was comfortable for a very, very long time and I was avoiding, procrastinating, telling myself all the excuses and ignoring things that were happening right in my face.
01:07:16.239 --> 01:07:26.400
And when I finally made stop self-sabotaging, yeah, I came out on the other side and I could have done this so long ago.
01:07:26.480 --> 01:07:26.639
Yeah.
01:07:26.880 --> 01:07:28.480
And that's exactly what you're saying.
01:07:28.639 --> 01:07:33.199
It's like don't let it drag on and on if you're gonna end up doing the thing anyway.
01:07:33.440 --> 01:07:37.119
Because look, if you were scared, let's say it's a relationship, right?
01:07:37.840 --> 01:07:47.360
Let's say if you were scared of what people would think of you or what your family would say or what your friends would say or what your Instagram would be like when they realize he's no longer on your page, right?
01:07:47.599 --> 01:07:49.599
It's like you still had to go through that.
01:07:49.760 --> 01:07:50.000
Right.
01:07:50.159 --> 01:07:51.119
So then what the hell?
01:07:51.360 --> 01:07:53.760
But like at least you could have done it ten years ago.
01:07:53.920 --> 01:07:54.159
Yeah.
01:07:54.800 --> 01:07:55.119
You know?
01:07:55.599 --> 01:07:56.800
No, absolutely.
01:07:57.119 --> 01:07:59.360
So yeah, just fucking do the thing.
01:07:59.519 --> 01:08:01.920
Do the thing this is one long day anyway.
01:08:02.000 --> 01:08:03.280
It's just that's true.
01:08:03.599 --> 01:08:04.400
Just do it.
01:08:04.639 --> 01:08:07.599
Yeah, and then live your life, be a perfect timing.
01:08:07.760 --> 01:08:08.239
Exactly.
01:08:08.320 --> 01:08:09.519
There's never a perfect time.
01:08:10.079 --> 01:08:13.119
Do the thing so you can like actually enjoy your life.
01:08:13.360 --> 01:08:13.920
Yeah.
01:08:14.239 --> 01:08:15.280
And be happy.
01:08:15.519 --> 01:08:16.560
Yeah, oh my god.
01:08:16.640 --> 01:08:28.399
So many times remember, even like with um Alaska, with going back there, like even when I was turning them down, it's like I wrote the letter, I drafted it, I had it in my email, and then like I was scared to send it.
01:08:29.119 --> 01:08:36.000
And then even when the job posted and I didn't apply, they reopened it for me so that I could like this whole everything was happening.
01:08:36.079 --> 01:08:40.159
I was like, you know, I had already decided I wasn't going back to Alaska.
01:08:40.399 --> 01:08:40.640
Right.
01:08:40.880 --> 01:08:44.479
And you're like, so why the hell are you applying to the job?
01:08:44.720 --> 01:08:46.880
And I said, because they posted it for me.
01:08:47.039 --> 01:08:47.840
Yeah, you know.
01:08:48.079 --> 01:08:49.359
So I felt obligated.
01:08:49.520 --> 01:08:49.760
Yeah.
01:08:49.920 --> 01:08:51.520
I felt obligated to apply.
01:08:51.840 --> 01:08:54.000
And I did, and I wanted it though.
01:08:54.079 --> 01:08:54.720
That's the thing.
01:08:54.800 --> 01:09:01.680
I wanted it just under my very like yeah, what's the word, specific circumstances?
01:09:01.920 --> 01:09:02.560
Right, right.
01:09:02.720 --> 01:09:04.239
And I couldn't get that right now.
01:09:04.319 --> 01:09:06.479
So it's like I might as well do this.
01:09:06.800 --> 01:09:10.399
But yeah, it's like, why did I keep communicating with them?
01:09:10.479 --> 01:09:12.800
Why did I keep saying, Okay, let me do this?
01:09:13.039 --> 01:09:13.279
Right.
01:09:13.439 --> 01:09:14.640
That was when you already knew.
01:09:15.199 --> 01:09:16.079
I already knew.
01:09:16.319 --> 01:09:16.640
Yeah.
01:09:16.800 --> 01:09:24.560
It was just making myself feel like shit every time I disappointed them, every time I kept it going, when I realized I could have just sent the email that I sent them eventually.
01:09:24.640 --> 01:09:24.720
Yeah.
01:09:24.960 --> 01:09:26.159
I could have sent that in the first place.
01:09:26.239 --> 01:09:29.680
Like, oh no, sorry, it's been a year, I'm not interested anymore.
01:09:29.840 --> 01:09:30.399
You know, whatever.
01:09:30.640 --> 01:09:30.960
Yeah.
01:09:31.199 --> 01:09:33.359
And and now, like, it's fine, right?
01:09:33.600 --> 01:09:34.399
Like it would have been.
01:09:34.800 --> 01:09:35.680
Now I can go back.
01:09:35.840 --> 01:09:36.800
I can go when I want.
01:09:37.119 --> 01:09:43.439
Yeah, and I think you bring up a really good point of also how much guilt we carry we when we continue to self-sabotage.
01:09:43.520 --> 01:09:46.640
Now you're adding another layer of crap.
01:09:46.800 --> 01:09:47.359
Yeah.
01:09:47.760 --> 01:09:52.399
Avoidance, guilt now, procrastination, fear of failure, this and that.
01:09:52.560 --> 01:09:53.439
Now it's guilt.
01:09:53.680 --> 01:09:57.520
Remember, like when um, like when you want to call out of work, right?
01:09:58.000 --> 01:10:02.720
Like, I will text you and be like, I won't be in today because I'm a fucking working professional.
01:10:02.800 --> 01:10:04.079
I don't need to tell you my business.
01:10:04.239 --> 01:10:05.760
I don't I don't care who you are.
01:10:05.920 --> 01:10:06.239
Right.
01:10:06.399 --> 01:10:07.520
This is my personal thing.
01:10:07.600 --> 01:10:09.920
I have days off, I have hours, I'm taking them.
01:10:10.399 --> 01:10:13.279
You don't need to know that my uncles, cousins, brother, whatever.
01:10:13.600 --> 01:10:14.000
Right, right.
01:10:14.159 --> 01:10:15.439
So like I don't do that.
01:10:15.520 --> 01:10:18.800
But I used to be like, hey, I don't think I can come in.
01:10:18.880 --> 01:10:21.279
I'm gonna try because I really was gonna try.
01:10:21.359 --> 01:10:21.600
Yeah.
01:10:21.760 --> 01:10:24.399
You know, it's just in this moment, I don't feel like I can come in.
01:10:24.479 --> 01:10:25.680
I'm just giving you a heads up.
01:10:25.840 --> 01:10:26.159
Right.
01:10:26.399 --> 01:10:30.159
But like I'm trying to tell you that so you're not anxious why she's late.
01:10:30.319 --> 01:10:30.800
Right, right.
01:10:31.039 --> 01:10:35.279
But then it gives me so much anxiety because now I'm like, fuck, I really don't want to go in.
01:10:35.359 --> 01:10:37.199
Why didn't I just tell them that I'm not coming?
01:10:37.279 --> 01:10:37.359
Yeah.
01:10:37.520 --> 01:10:38.960
Why did I say I was gonna try?
01:10:39.199 --> 01:10:39.520
Right.
01:10:39.680 --> 01:10:43.119
Yeah, these are the things we do to ourselves that are so unnecessary.
01:10:43.279 --> 01:10:48.159
And a lot of the times we already know the thing we have to do or what we want or whatever.
01:10:48.319 --> 01:10:50.159
It's just we get stuck.
01:10:51.600 --> 01:10:53.119
We get stuck and we self-sabotage.
01:10:53.439 --> 01:10:54.560
But can we talk really?
01:10:54.720 --> 01:10:56.960
I mean, like, I know not like we're over time.
01:10:57.039 --> 01:10:57.680
This is our time.
01:10:57.760 --> 01:10:59.039
We can do what the fuck we want.
01:10:59.199 --> 01:10:59.439
Yeah.
01:10:59.680 --> 01:11:09.359
But um, can we talk about like the difference between like how betrayed we are when someone else sabotages us?
01:11:09.760 --> 01:11:15.359
But when we sabotage ourselves, it's like oh, you just didn't show up for yourself, okay, you're still here.
01:11:15.439 --> 01:11:16.960
But when someone else does it, yeah.
01:11:17.119 --> 01:11:17.920
The nerve.
01:11:18.399 --> 01:11:19.039
The nerve.
01:11:19.520 --> 01:11:20.560
The fucking nerve.
01:11:20.960 --> 01:11:31.119
You see like how attached we can be to the our values and standing on business when it's defending ourselves, but what about when we're the ones that are doing the things ourselves?
01:11:31.600 --> 01:11:36.960
It that's you fold so quickly, you're like, oh yeah, okay, well, yeah, I didn't want to go to the gym this morning.
01:11:37.279 --> 01:11:38.800
Oh, this is why I gained five pounds.
01:11:38.880 --> 01:11:40.640
Yeah, but I was really comfortable here.
01:11:40.800 --> 01:11:42.399
Yeah, why do we make those excuses?
01:11:44.000 --> 01:11:44.880
It's so wild.
01:11:44.960 --> 01:11:46.720
That's such a really good point.
01:11:47.119 --> 01:11:53.279
How we like are blown out of the water when other people do it, but when we do it to ourselves, it's okay.
01:11:53.920 --> 01:11:55.680
Man, people respect yourself.
01:11:55.840 --> 01:11:59.199
Stop you owe it to yourself to not do this shit.
01:11:59.359 --> 01:11:59.520
Yeah.
01:11:59.680 --> 01:12:00.560
Cause like for what?
01:12:00.720 --> 01:12:01.279
For who?
01:12:01.520 --> 01:12:02.159
For what?
01:12:03.039 --> 01:12:03.359
Yeah.
01:12:03.680 --> 01:12:06.399
Like if you're gonna be there, be there for yourself.
01:12:06.640 --> 01:12:09.199
And the other people, they're not more important than you.
01:12:09.359 --> 01:12:10.000
Not at all.
01:12:10.239 --> 01:12:13.359
Never nobody is more important than yourself.
01:12:13.680 --> 01:12:18.880
So if you're worried about what it's gonna look like, if you're worried about what it's gonna feel like, I get that.
01:12:19.760 --> 01:12:22.720
But feel the thing and let it look however it wants to look.
01:12:22.800 --> 01:12:24.880
But obviously, a part of you wants to change.
01:12:25.039 --> 01:12:25.279
Right.
01:12:25.439 --> 01:12:28.159
So like at least give that person a chance to change.
01:12:28.479 --> 01:12:29.119
Yeah.
01:12:30.479 --> 01:12:30.880
Yeah.
01:12:31.199 --> 01:12:32.000
Absolutely.
01:12:32.479 --> 01:12:36.319
So well, now speaking of self-sabotage.
01:12:36.720 --> 01:12:37.039
Yeah.
01:12:37.199 --> 01:12:39.760
Oh my god, the biggest self-sabotage.
01:12:40.159 --> 01:12:42.399
The biggest one ever coming up next week.
01:12:42.800 --> 01:12:50.960
Next week, we're talking about love triangles and toxic relationships, and all the messy decisions that happen when love gets complicated.
01:12:51.199 --> 01:12:57.279
We're talking about being torn between two people, being part of a love triangle.
01:12:57.520 --> 01:13:01.520
Or finding out that you're in one and nobody bothered to tell you.
01:13:01.840 --> 01:13:02.640
Oh no.
01:13:03.760 --> 01:13:06.399
And we're also getting into toxic relationships.
01:13:06.640 --> 01:13:13.359
Yeah, why people stay, why people go back, and why intense chemistry isn't always the same thing as compatibility.
01:13:13.680 --> 01:13:21.119
Because sometimes the biggest question isn't who someone chooses, it's why they keep choosing relationships that hurt them.
01:13:22.079 --> 01:13:23.680
Oh man, that's gonna be a good one.
01:13:23.920 --> 01:13:27.359
That is you remember I had like an answer for that.
01:13:27.680 --> 01:13:30.239
The why they keep choosing relationships that hurt them.
01:13:30.560 --> 01:13:37.680
Part is when I used to feel like I was like I needed to be with someone who was emotionally unavailable because I love my space so much.
01:13:37.840 --> 01:13:38.079
Yeah.
01:13:38.239 --> 01:13:46.800
So it's like I almost only chose these situations because I knew they won't be up in my space, they're not even gonna be around when I need them.
01:13:47.039 --> 01:13:49.760
Yeah, they're just around three, you know, have a good time.
01:13:50.079 --> 01:13:54.239
You know, right, they have their purpose, and yeah the line is drawn, and that's it.
01:13:54.399 --> 01:13:54.720
Yeah.
01:13:55.039 --> 01:13:56.399
So hey, call it what you want.
01:13:56.560 --> 01:13:59.600
Self-sabotage, love triangle.
01:14:00.640 --> 01:14:01.600
I love it.
01:14:01.920 --> 01:14:02.960
I loved it.
01:14:03.279 --> 01:14:04.000
Anyway.
01:14:04.319 --> 01:14:07.279
Alright, well, that's it for this session.
01:14:07.600 --> 01:14:09.039
See you next time.
01:14:09.359 --> 01:14:11.279
We want you to be a part of this world with us.
01:14:11.520 --> 01:14:16.239
Send us your book, recommendations, character obsessions, and topics you want us to cover.
01:14:16.479 --> 01:14:20.479
You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at once upon a session pod.
01:14:20.880 --> 01:14:24.880
Or email us at info at onceupona session pod dot com.
01:14:26.000 --> 01:14:30.239
If you want to share thoughts, suggestions, or just screwing battle plot twist with us.
01:14:30.479 --> 01:14:30.960
Yes.
01:14:31.199 --> 01:14:33.119
So are we charging for this session?
01:14:33.359 --> 01:14:35.279
Emotionally always.
01:14:36.399 --> 01:14:38.800
You remember the first laugh of that?
01:14:39.520 --> 01:14:40.399
Oh yeah.
01:14:41.279 --> 01:14:42.960
Yeah, our fake laugh.
01:14:43.199 --> 01:14:44.800
Yeah, but no, we're really laughing.
01:14:45.600 --> 01:14:46.159
Alright.
01:14:46.319 --> 01:14:47.600
Hope you're laughing with it.
01:14:48.399 --> 01:14:50.399
Hope you are laughing with it.
01:14:55.039 --> 01:14:56.239
You know why?
01:14:57.359 --> 01:14:58.479
Next session, where?
01:14:59.039 --> 01:15:03.680
Same chaos, same chaos, back by people.
01:15:04.720 --> 01:15:07.039
Go listen to all of our previous episodes.
01:15:08.880 --> 01:15:09.680
All of them.