WEBVTT
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I'm Don Finnelli. This is Mutterfly. We got three pairs of improvisers.
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They're all improvising a short scene. They're starting with the exact same
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two lines that I am messaging them right before we start recording.
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There's no pre-planning. They don't know each other's lines.
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They're hearing them for the first time when you're hearing them.
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And I am back from the Jersey Shore. I had approximately 600 Coors frozen custards
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when I was down there, if you know, you know.
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Now I'm back in North Jersey with an endless to-do list as we continue to try
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and slowly but surely get into this
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new house of ours. But I got to perform at the UCB Theater in New York for the first time, never been.
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It was really great to be back on stage with the old stepfathers.
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But hey, this is the penultimate episode of season one.
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I am taking a break. I've talked about it before. I basically have negative
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time available these days. I'm starting grad school.
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I'm TAing in undergrad class. I got two kids.
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I'm traveling around doing workshops and whatnot.
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So we're putting a pause on this little project for a bit until I have some
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more time to record again, but that doesn't mean you can't rate and review the pod.
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Uh, I would absolutely love it if you do. Uh, so thanks in advance.
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And if you've done it already, uh, double thank you. All right, let's get to it.
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Up first, you heard them all the way back in episode 26, uh, two episodes ago.
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It's James Dwyer and Benjamin Apple, uh, two longtime buds and UCB performers.
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uh you know benjamin he was always locked in to the improv scene he was always
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performing a ton and producing all these hilarious shorts and shows and all
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that stuff uh he's worked for the onion funnier die uh the tonight show
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i'm sure you've seen many of the national commercials that he has written uh
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james dwyer one of the best uh he's done it all harold knight he was on the
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law firm strife he's done ascat torco corporate workshops uh he's currently
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rocking it out with Duchovny uh
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he's a writer and actor maybe you've seen him on what we do in the shadows and
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just like that friends from college uh godfather of harlem dickinson and alternatino uh
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All right hey let's get to our first mutter with benjamin apple and james dwyer
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Hey um can you hold this end of the sofa while i try to get it through the doorway
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Yo how many push-ups can you do
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Not that many, but could you actually... Let's talk about that later, Ruby.
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Could you just help me out with the sofa while I try to get through the doorway? Yeah.
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Hell yeah. Here we go. Ready? Do you want me to count to three?
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Hold on. Now I need a second. I need a second. Yeah.
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I can just lift it. I don't have to count to three or anything.
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All right. Brady, are you all right, dude?
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Yeah. what's going on
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I don't know ever since i well i mean like now i think about it i came home
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last night and there was just so much beef jerky in the kitchen
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yeah and like protein powder and then i saw they were all in a blender dry no
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no wet in there dry yeah and you're just kind of like oh you're getting teamed up protein yeah
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Yeah well how How many pushups can you do?
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You know what? I don't even know the last time I did a push-up, so I don't know.
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That's fine. You know, for some people, that's fine. Yeah. Do you want me to
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just carry the couch in? No. Why don't you take a step back?
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I would rather help. I mean, it's my – I would rather – if you really want to
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try, I don't think it's going to work. Yeah. But – All right.
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Here we go.
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Oh, my God.
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God.
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What's this couch made of? Is this a real couch?
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I think it's filled with cotton. It's like filled with cotton.
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No, this is different.
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I mean, it's got a little bit of, I think, plywood. It's like light particle board type stuff.
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That's what it is.
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That's what it is?
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It's light. No, this is that new kind with the heavy wood.
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The new wood?
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How many pull-ups can you do?
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I have no idea man
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I know how many i did today
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No i did four full-ups that's not a lot i think if i had guessed that like that
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would have been me guessing what i think i could do and i don't
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Do you don't even know but you don't that's the thing you didn't
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Yeah you know
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And i don't you're basically what you're saying is in your wildest imagination
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you would hope to do four and that's how many I did today already.
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That's a good way to think about it, I guess. Why don't you just get the end
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of the couch and I'll try getting the other end. Maybe that'll work.
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Okay, here we go. I'll be honest.
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I did get it all the way up the stairs by myself.
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It's just that I'm having trouble getting it.
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Well, that was leverage. That was just the leverage.
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What? How do you think I got it up the stairs?
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You had a fulcrum. It's basically an inclined ramp. That's just simple tools.
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I didn't drag it. All right. I lifted it. I wasn't ready. Okay.
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You're going to pop a blood vessel to me. Let's put it down.
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Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Yeah.
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What is this? What is this? Is this a couch? Is this actually a couch?
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Yeah, yeah. It's just a couch.
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Is this like one of those things where it's like a quarter with a nail attached
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to one side and you nail it into a piece of wood so people try to pick up the
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quarter and it's actually nailed into the wood?
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I've never heard of this thing. You can't say that like that's one of those things.
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It's a trick quarter. It's a common prank quarter. You've never heard of a prank quarter?
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Not like that. It's a quarter that's nailed into wood, and that's a prank?
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Yes. It's like, look it up. Read a fucking book, man. Whoa, dude. I know you're against.
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First of all, yeah. You know I can't read right now, all right?
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You know I can't. Oh, jeez. Something's going on. Yeah.
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You've been saying that your eyes have been tired for eight years.
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They are tired, man.
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Every time
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somebody asks you to read something, you say you can't read right now.
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Yeah, I can't right now. Because I can't do screens. And so books are basically
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like a paper screen to me.
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That's not true.
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Well, whatever.
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It's completely different. That's reflective light.
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That is not a screen.
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On three, let's try this time, okay?
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One, two.
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Whoa, let's stop. Let's stop.
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Huh?
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Huh? that scared the shit out of me sorry what was i was
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Just trying to get i was trying to get uh my blood oxygenated and i started
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feeling lightheaded okay all right how many how many miles can you run
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I do know that i mean how many can i run versus how many do i typically run
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How many could you run if i said to to run start running now
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How many miles just as far as i could I could probably run I mean not that much
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I'd say like maybe I could do 7 miles
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Alright well today I ran around the block twice
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How about that?
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Good job. Yeah, good job, buddy. Uh, let's try to finish this,
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getting this couch in the door. It's a little bit in, and then maybe we'll talk
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more about some of that stuff.
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Let's just try getting the couch out of the door. Hey, buddy.
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If you think you're so strong, you're so big and you're so strong,
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you're so good at reading, why don't you just, uh,
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Go fuck yourself. I don't like your attitude. Every time I do something new,
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every time I pick a new hobby, like right now it's protein and lifting.
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Every time I pick a new hobby,
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You're never impressed with me.
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No, I'm not. Because I'm constantly confused as to where you're sourcing your
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information on how to get into these hobbies.
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Remember when you got really into board games? And first of all,
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the games were always wet.
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like why were they always wet where are you getting them wet because they were
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wet when they got here is the other thing and then they disintegrate half the
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time because they're not working and also the only board game you got into was Sorry
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which sucks Sorry sucks
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When you get the cardboard wet it makes it softer and that makes it safe there's
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a lot of sharp edges on the cardboard
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and I'm scared and I soak a man in a bathtub for a couple hours and the rules are the same
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you just roll it out and afterwards you sweep it all up
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That's the craziest part too because of how soft it gets you're able to roll
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it up and roll it out like a sorry board should be able to do that I'm surprised that it works oh big
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Surprise that you don't like the way I play board
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Games I'm real surprised I'm not being fair I'll be honest I'm not being fair to you
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You know I.
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Quit my job to come help you move this couch
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Why did you fucking do that I really wish you hadn't
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I really wish you asked me if I could you asked me if I could help you move
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the couch and I was in the middle of a shift
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Then you could have said no you could have said no I can't help you you're my friend
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I would never quit my job for you. You quit at the peak of the lunch rush?
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Yeah, my phone is blowing up. Everybody wants to kill me. We were already understaffed.
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Yeah, that sounds so bad. You know, I might just see if I can return the couch.
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Thanks, Apple. Thanks, Dwyer. Next
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up, you heard them all the way back in episode 25. three episodes ago.
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It's Katie Maravich and Johnny McNulty. Katie, she's a writer,
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actress, director. She wrote, directed, and acted in five seasons of Reality
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Check, which was a weekly YouTube series on Fox TV.
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She was a cast member of College Humor Forever and created and starred in Kingpin
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Katie, eight-episode comedy series on Dropout that I had a small part in.
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She also created and hosted The Rank Room on Dropout and regularly appears in
00:11:15.042 --> 00:11:18.592
Dropout shows like Game changer breaking news smarty pants and dirty laundry
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she's written for several others including make some noise
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and uh money slumber party johnny mcnulty we were on our first harold team together
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shout out the opera uh he's a former contributor to the onion weekend update
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uh executive editor of some e-cards he took some time from the stage but now he's
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rocking it on harold night again in new york check him out with his team your
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girlfriend all right it's katie and johnny with our second mutter
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Could you hold this end of the sofa while I try to get it through the doorway?
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Yo, how many push-ups can you do? Wait, before we do that, how many push-ups can you do?
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Like, all time, like, best, I did 100 once. If you ask me now, I'm, like, 20.
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Can someone help? Only 20?
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I'm not I had a wrist injury
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Okay just let it down
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Oh god
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Okay
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Hi Okay are you fine are you better now Are you done being dramatic
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Yeah yeah
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I wanted to get movers I wanted to get movers And you said no because you could do a bunch of pushups
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Sarah Yeah okay I had this day in my mind where
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we would move all of our stuff in and each thing we would remember then moving
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it in and it would be our memory and it would just give our space like that really special.
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Okay, Mike, you know I'm not sentimental like that. You know I don't give a fuck.
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I know. Right?
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You knew that coming into the relationship. I did I wasn't going to care I don't
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do anniversaries I don't do birthdays I don't do Christmas You knew that No,
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You're pretty much Personal
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Best You know that all I care about is muscles I want a muscle meat pad Yeah,
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Okay, listen Alright, hold on Just give me a second Let me catch my breath
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One,
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two, I just was carrying a couch, three, so like I hope we're on a curve here.
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Keep going, keep going.
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Four.
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You know what, hold on, I'm going to sit on you and then you can lift my weight as well.
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Yeah.
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Five, six, seven.
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Oh, God. Seven. Hold on, hold on.
00:14:06.798 --> 00:14:13.908
Stop. You're sweating so much. It's so pathetic. It's disgusting.
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Yeah, listen, I did know that getting into this and
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and then things were going well. And like I was, you know, and then I had a
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wrist injury and I couldn't do strength for a little while. And I have to say,
00:14:34.718 --> 00:14:39.358
our relationship has really spiraled since then.
00:14:40.378 --> 00:14:44.337
But I was like, let's move in together, right? Because that fixes things.
00:14:46.259 --> 00:14:50.208
So I do have a question, though. And it's just occurred to me,
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I've never asked you, how many push-ups can you do?
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How many push-ups can I do?
00:14:59.336 --> 00:14:59.830
Yeah.
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You go around with strong opinions on how many push-ups other people can do.
00:15:08.287 --> 00:15:09.283
How many can you do?
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Okay, well,
00:15:12.327 --> 00:15:17.685
to be honest, I've never tried. I've never even tried one. I don't know. I have no idea.
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You don't even know what a push-up feels like?
00:15:21.748 --> 00:15:26.073
I don't even know what a push-up feels like, but maybe you're right.
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I guess I expect everyone around me to be able to do at least 100 push-ups at once.
00:15:30.868 --> 00:15:34.496
And here I am, not even doing one.
00:15:35.239 --> 00:15:44.673
I've been so scared of you and like I have to admit that's kind of like I have
00:15:44.673 --> 00:15:49.373
a like it's all a tangle the emotions that I feel
00:15:54.493 --> 00:15:59.160
Do you know that I didn't go to my grandma's funeral because she couldn't do a hundred pushups
00:15:59.810 --> 00:16:00.933
I do know do you know
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Now that I'm just realizing how fucked up that is
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You you sent me the woman
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Raised me yeah
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You sent me in your in your place and you told me to do a hundred push-ups in
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front of everybody and say that's what grandma never like did
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yeah and i did that because i love you and a lot of your family won't talk to me now
00:16:33.294 --> 00:16:39.795
No No Hey Mike Yes By the way
00:16:42.513 --> 00:16:47.192
There's something in the bathroom trash can that you might want to see.
00:16:49.415 --> 00:16:49.830
Okay.
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It's a pregnancy test.
00:16:53.238 --> 00:16:54.320
It's in the trash can?
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Yeah, I wasn't going to bring it up because you could only do 20 push-ups.
00:17:01.481 --> 00:17:02.540
You didn't know I could.
00:17:02.540 --> 00:17:09.990
But now I'm sort of, yeah, but now I'm just sort of like, maybe I'm ready to
00:17:09.990 --> 00:17:15.350
change and be a better person, be more accepting, and I don't know.
00:17:18.260 --> 00:17:18.880
Sarah, are we...
00:17:19.020 --> 00:17:22.150
Will you marry me? Oh, sorry. No, never mind. No, you're right.
00:17:22.150 --> 00:17:25.540
I shouldn't have said that. Never mind. Just forget that. Just pretend I didn't say that.
00:17:29.120 --> 00:17:33.280
Thanks, Katie. Thanks, Johnny. Last up, you heard these legends back in episode
00:17:33.280 --> 00:17:38.230
19. It's Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt, two OGs of the Upright Citizens
00:17:38.230 --> 00:17:41.740
Brigade Theater, both on a team called The Stepfathers in New York.
00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:43.388
Billy was one of the founders of that.
00:17:43.742 --> 00:17:49.557
Shannon came on a few years after that. I came on a few years after that. And now I'm back, baby.
00:17:50.420 --> 00:17:53.950
Both phenomenal improv teachers as well. I want to give them a shout out for
00:17:53.950 --> 00:17:57.127
that. But Spoh's acting in shows like Broad City, High Maintenance,
00:17:57.382 --> 00:17:59.367
the other two, Alternatino.
00:17:59.611 --> 00:18:03.837
She was recurring on Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter, and The Chris Gethard Show.
00:18:04.162 --> 00:18:09.991
She's still rocking out The Stepfathers and ASCAT in UCB and New York.
00:18:10.205 --> 00:18:15.116
Billy Merritt, he's rocked out the UCB stage for almost two decades on both coasts.
00:18:15.412 --> 00:18:19.081
You've seen him on The Conners, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Rec,
00:18:19.418 --> 00:18:25.107
Reno 911, Key and Peel, Weeds, Workaholics, Happy Ending Search Party, the list goes on.
00:18:25.426 --> 00:18:30.120
He's currently running an improvised podcast collective called The Bit Comedy
00:18:30.120 --> 00:18:31.463
Network, so go check that out.
00:18:31.748 --> 00:18:35.960
All right, it's our final mutter with Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt.
00:18:40.850 --> 00:18:45.668
Can you hold this end of the sofa while I try to get it through the doorway, please?
00:18:49.800 --> 00:18:50.148
Yeah.
00:18:53.684 --> 00:18:55.158
How many push-ups can you do?
00:18:56.470 --> 00:19:01.160
Oh, well, obviously not as many as I'd like.
00:19:01.543 --> 00:19:06.646
Having difficulty with the sofa, probably, I don't know. I haven't tried doing a push-up in a while.
00:19:07.087 --> 00:19:10.030
Oh, because this couch is pretty heavy, man. So I'm just like,
00:19:10.739 --> 00:19:15.167
I'm just kind of trying to guess what you're like, you know,
00:19:15.167 --> 00:19:18.355
like what your overall like football like score is, you know?
00:19:18.802 --> 00:19:19.951
My football score.
00:19:20.957 --> 00:19:23.428
Yeah, you know your weightlifting football score?
00:19:23.550 --> 00:19:28.177
Sure. Yeah, I know it. I know it. The couch is heavy because it's filled with nickels.
00:19:29.135 --> 00:19:30.760
Oh, sure.
00:19:31.172 --> 00:19:34.069
I've got about 6,000 nickels in the bottom of the couch.
00:19:34.551 --> 00:19:41.360
Okay. Okay. Okay, you're doing that fountain diving again?
00:19:41.842 --> 00:19:45.794
Fountain diving, yes, yes, yes. Back in the old days.
00:19:47.677 --> 00:19:52.452
I never really did any football work in and out, but I did a lot of pond diving.
00:19:53.903 --> 00:19:56.986
Oh, there you go. There you go. Thank you. All right.
00:19:57.334 --> 00:19:58.077
Thank you.
00:19:58.251 --> 00:20:00.184
Oh, that is good.
00:20:01.026 --> 00:20:03.441
Oh, wow. Hey. Okay.
00:20:03.876 --> 00:20:04.642
Thank you, neighbor.
00:20:05.377 --> 00:20:10.737
Yeah. No, yeah, I've said, yeah, we know so little about each other,
00:20:10.737 --> 00:20:13.286
but, you know, I've seen you.
00:20:14.562 --> 00:20:16.268
I've seen you. You know, I go
00:20:16.268 --> 00:20:21.342
for dawn bike rides. So I've seen you by the fountain by the courthouse.
00:20:22.114 --> 00:20:23.543
Oh, yes.
00:20:23.757 --> 00:20:23.888
Yeah.
00:20:25.505 --> 00:20:29.908
Yeah, you're going to find a lot of coinage in the morning, oddly enough.
00:20:30.851 --> 00:20:35.598
Apparently, if you research it, most people put money in the fountain late at
00:20:35.598 --> 00:20:36.726
night when no one's looking.
00:20:37.260 --> 00:20:41.438
Oh, yeah. Because they feel their wishes will be honored and not stolen.
00:20:41.438 --> 00:20:48.090
No, I've heard that. Yeah, I've heard that. the uh i dated a i dated a witch,
00:20:49.344 --> 00:20:53.837
like four years ago really she told me a lot about some things that you know
00:20:53.970 --> 00:20:57.668
because i was i yeah just moved in i just moved to town four years ago yeah
00:20:57.968 --> 00:21:02.218
and i was on uh i was on hinge and she was the only one on there just me and
00:21:02.218 --> 00:21:03.601
her so we kept kind of like,
00:21:04.471 --> 00:21:07.638
i was like nope but then she'd be back and i'd be like nope so i just like let
00:21:07.638 --> 00:21:10.247
me let me swipe on let me let me swipe on um,
00:21:11.277 --> 00:21:14.451
Norda. I'll swipe on Norda and Norda and I dated.
00:21:15.443 --> 00:21:16.501
Norda's in her name?
00:21:17.046 --> 00:21:18.263
Norda the Witch.
00:21:18.263 --> 00:21:23.003
Norda the Witch. Was she witch forward or is it just something that she also did?
00:21:24.447 --> 00:21:25.482
She's witch forward.
00:21:25.725 --> 00:21:27.153
Witch forward? Yeah.
00:21:27.153 --> 00:21:32.348
She's witch forward and then she's pottery backwards.
00:21:32.819 --> 00:21:39.433
Pottery backwards? Does that mean she's not good at pottery or she does pottery?
00:21:39.433 --> 00:21:43.115
No, yeah, she does pottery, but which is her main source of income.
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:46.174
And pottery backwards is like, it's like her hobby.
00:21:46.464 --> 00:21:47.260
Sure, sure.
00:21:47.631 --> 00:21:49.756
Yeah, no, but she told me about the coin thing.
00:21:50.667 --> 00:21:51.103
Oh, really?
00:21:51.683 --> 00:21:54.545
Yeah, and then she told me about the, it's why I bike at dawn.
00:21:54.992 --> 00:21:57.830
Because she said, bike at dawn, the ghosts are gone.
00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:01.877
Yeah, dawn is the safest time to be alive outside.
00:22:02.783 --> 00:22:07.483
I think a lot of the mystic energies are switching over to daytime at night.
00:22:07.483 --> 00:22:11.363
You know, those Looney Tune commercials are commercials. I think they're called
00:22:11.363 --> 00:22:17.943
cartoons where they morning Fred morning Frank and they're what are they?
00:22:18.463 --> 00:22:19.518
Punching the time clock.
00:22:20.743 --> 00:22:23.163
Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
00:22:23.622 --> 00:22:27.603
So as all the demons and dementors and the goblins and the ghouls are all just
00:22:27.603 --> 00:22:31.987
crossing at that moment in time, that's the time to get out there and really enjoy the world.
00:22:32.515 --> 00:22:38.076
Hey, sorry to sorry to interrupt. um i'm i'm in 24e oh hey
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:43.085
i think you stole my nickel man what i made a wish
00:22:43.892 --> 00:22:47.775
yeah i made one wish with a nickel down at the fountain yeah
00:22:48.518 --> 00:22:52.023
and i kind of woke up because i had to pee this morning i kind of just kind
00:22:52.023 --> 00:22:57.400
of glanced out my window and i saw you fully in like a scuba's outfit dive in
00:22:57.824 --> 00:23:02.479
and take a bunch of nickels one of those nickels is mine man that's my wish you shouldn't
00:23:03.164 --> 00:23:04.703
How do you know it was your nickel?
00:23:06.473 --> 00:23:08.743
Do you come on it? You're the guy that comes on coins, right?
00:23:10.056 --> 00:23:12.376
Oh, 24B, right? Is that, was that?
00:23:12.696 --> 00:23:13.146
24E.
00:23:14.055 --> 00:23:16.028
24E.
00:23:16.237 --> 00:23:22.796
24E for E for Ejaculate. Yeah. Well, yes. Yeah, I'm the guy that comes on coins. Okay. Whatever.
00:23:22.796 --> 00:23:26.176
Tell me something. Tell me something. What was your wish? Because maybe I didn't
00:23:26.176 --> 00:23:29.246
steal it. Maybe I'm a wish giver. What was your wish?
00:23:29.577 --> 00:23:34.662
That I could stop coming on coins. I can't help it. I really want to stop. I cannot help it.
00:23:35.608 --> 00:23:41.906
Every time I see a coin, I get hard as a rock and I want to come all over it.
00:23:41.906 --> 00:23:46.004
Okay? There's just something about it that I was like, it's legal tender and
00:23:46.149 --> 00:23:47.577
I wanted to face it immediately.
00:23:48.336 --> 00:23:51.548
Yeah. And I wished, please, for the love of God, to stop it.
00:23:52.413 --> 00:23:56.116
And I came on that nickel. So if you have a come down nickel, that's mine.
00:23:57.724 --> 00:24:00.826
Well, I mean, let's take care of the problem, not the nickel.
00:24:01.946 --> 00:24:03.518
Let's find out a way to fix this.
00:24:04.666 --> 00:24:08.936
Were you under any sort of spells? You were talking about your witch friend.
00:24:08.936 --> 00:24:10.565
Does she know anything about this?
00:24:11.830 --> 00:24:15.886
Oh, yeah. She's a, yeah. I mean, we're just buddy, like F buddies now.
00:24:15.886 --> 00:24:17.705
Like we're not like full on dating anymore.
00:24:17.902 --> 00:24:19.876
Oh, I didn't mean to imply. Okay, sure.
00:24:19.876 --> 00:24:22.570
I've tried witches. Who's the witch? Who's your witch?
00:24:23.866 --> 00:24:24.299
Noda.
00:24:24.793 --> 00:24:29.856
Oh, Noda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know Noda. i tried nota nota nota no no
00:24:29.856 --> 00:24:37.180
no no no no no uh it she tried but okay
00:24:38.526 --> 00:24:42.176
i literally walked out of her place and immediately saw a coin on the ground
00:24:42.176 --> 00:24:46.659
and immediately came on it and immediately got arrested for indecent exposure
00:24:47.861 --> 00:24:50.090
this was like tried lighting candles
00:24:51.297 --> 00:24:54.211
yeah just randomly or like with a purpose
00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:58.126
Yeah well lighting candles uh uh getting
00:24:58.926 --> 00:25:04.046
a uh a giant uh melon or pumpkin cutting a hole in the pumpkin and then cutting
00:25:04.046 --> 00:25:08.846
the hole over the top uh filling that pumpkin with wax of the melted candle
00:25:09.466 --> 00:25:10.773
uh and then sticking your dick in it
00:25:11.435 --> 00:25:16.050
Okay you know what he's talking about because you're nodding as if this is no
00:25:16.357 --> 00:25:18.070
really this is common knowledge
00:25:18.418 --> 00:25:22.986
What the hell my mom kept me from masturbating too much when I was.
00:25:22.986 --> 00:25:26.106
In school. What the hell? This is a huge problem of mine. It seems like everyone
00:25:26.106 --> 00:25:27.758
knows a solution. I've prayed for this.
00:25:28.466 --> 00:25:31.932
I've wished upon a come down nickel and I've talked to a witch.
00:25:32.083 --> 00:25:35.006
No one has mentioned the melon candle situation.
00:25:35.006 --> 00:25:36.382
Can I offer you another solution?
00:25:36.887 --> 00:25:39.029
Sure. I'll take any solutions.
00:25:39.436 --> 00:25:40.283
Apple wallet.
00:25:40.754 --> 00:25:41.212
Yeah.
00:25:42.697 --> 00:25:43.876
Apple wallet
00:25:44.247 --> 00:25:47.981
Yeah yeah then you don't need to have any cash no coins on you oh oh.
00:25:48.601 --> 00:25:53.581
Yeah you meant like come on and a digital entity now it makes sense now that
00:25:53.581 --> 00:25:56.490
i don't have any physical legal tender in my hands
00:25:56.768 --> 00:26:00.801
Yes because the problem is the first problem is coins right because masturbation.
00:26:00.801 --> 00:26:04.216
Self-pleasure no is coins legal tender is that just paper
00:26:05.075 --> 00:26:06.353
That's no it's legal tender.
00:26:06.532 --> 00:26:08.843
Legal tender applies to coins as well right
00:26:09.063 --> 00:26:11.581
Well not pennies anymore they discontinue pennies So,
00:26:12.941 --> 00:26:16.601
I mean, I discontinued pennies at this point. So like pennies. Whoa.
00:26:17.161 --> 00:26:22.821
Yeah. I mean, I can't. There's two pennies were my biggest challenge.
00:26:22.821 --> 00:26:25.341
They're so tiny. They're copper, you know,
00:26:25.341 --> 00:26:27.343
Like they're dimes tinier.
00:26:29.621 --> 00:26:30.154
Are they
00:26:31.026 --> 00:26:32.196
Yes they're tinier.
00:26:32.324 --> 00:26:34.832
Yeah but they're like they're silvery you know they're not as
00:26:35.630 --> 00:26:37.119
Easy to spot or
00:26:37.751 --> 00:26:42.430
No i guess they're easier to spot because the light too light a little too light
00:26:42.790 --> 00:26:49.470
yeah they're a little too light for me yep i want to i want to i want dark i want red i meant
00:26:49.470 --> 00:26:50.930
Like wait oh wait.
00:26:51.430 --> 00:26:55.690
Oh i was talking about i think i was talking about the race of the coin that
00:26:55.690 --> 00:26:59.430
that's on me that's on me i think all coins have like they're they're on the
00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:03.550
spectrum of you know how light and dark that they are and i think i'm a sick
00:27:04.050 --> 00:27:07.530
i'm just a sick man that needs solutions so okay i'm
00:27:08.506 --> 00:27:12.425
Sorry yeah apple wallet i think is a great idea and then if you want to go the mystical route
00:27:12.616 --> 00:27:13.230
Okay uh
00:27:13.630 --> 00:27:17.220
Yeah well there's the fuck melon but also uh when you said penny i was thinking
00:27:17.220 --> 00:27:23.560
about what about penny the cum goblin uh uh she hangs out down by the the wishing
00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:25.004
well area the the fountain
00:27:25.283 --> 00:27:29.960
Yeah i know penny have you seen her yeah i have seen her she loves come she's
00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:31.630
not yeah she ain't no coin
00:27:32.150 --> 00:27:36.230
I mean that's why she's a goblin she'd be gobbling it but she can.
00:27:36.630 --> 00:27:43.010
She'll take all your cum and you'll never come again uh that's the beauty of her uh her style yeah she
00:27:43.650 --> 00:27:45.690
Takes all of it yeah what
00:27:46.249 --> 00:27:47.712
Vacuum seals your balls.
00:27:47.991 --> 00:27:50.930
Yeah i think that's like an extreme thing of what i want i still want to be
00:27:50.930 --> 00:28:02.259
able to she just goes oh jesus you did that really well yeah are you the cum goblin
00:28:03.142 --> 00:28:04.530
Well there are many cum goblins
00:28:16.570 --> 00:28:19.177
Thanks, Bill. Thanks, Billy. And thanks to all my guests, Benjamin Ablett.
00:28:19.177 --> 00:28:20.507
He's on Herald Night in L.A.
00:28:20.507 --> 00:28:24.817
Check out his team, Gas Money, and check him out when he does Ask Sketch on Saturdays.
00:28:24.817 --> 00:28:30.037
James Dwyer, he's with Duchovny at TGIF every Friday at BCC in Brooklyn,
00:28:30.246 --> 00:28:33.017
and once a month with Duchovny at the UCB Theater in New York.
00:28:33.017 --> 00:28:36.475
Follow Katie Maravich at Katie Maravich on the socials. You can check her out
00:28:36.696 --> 00:28:40.440
in the upcoming movie, Greatest Treasure in the World, and all over the dropout-overse.
00:28:40.817 --> 00:28:45.937
uh johnny mcnulty the johnny mcnulty on instagram he's on the harold team your
00:28:45.937 --> 00:28:48.277
girlfriend they're at the ucb new york uh
00:28:49.432 --> 00:28:52.357
shannon o'neill third friday of every month she's with the stepfathers at the
00:28:52.357 --> 00:28:56.775
ucb in new york and check her out in asscat and nuns sluts and cunts
00:28:57.106 --> 00:29:00.757
uh and you can follow her at spotastic or at sporamics where you can buy her
00:29:00.757 --> 00:29:04.699
pottery uh billy merit check out bit comedy network.com uh
00:29:05.377 --> 00:29:08.639
it's his online podcast theater experiment where you can record
00:29:08.941 --> 00:29:11.919
your own improvised podcast thanks to seth and newt for the music and the art
00:29:12.122 --> 00:29:14.797
if you want to submit your own first two lines to be used in season two just
00:29:14.797 --> 00:29:20.077
DM me mutterfly the pod on instagram or email mutterfly the pod gmail.com please
00:29:20.077 --> 00:29:22.815
rate and review the show to feed the algorithm
00:29:23.146 --> 00:29:27.302
i'll be back next thursday with the season one finale of mutterfly i'm don finelli
00:29:27.691 --> 00:29:29.986
gore's frozen custard
00:00:15.144 --> 00:00:19.921
I'm Don Finnelli. This is Mutterfly. We got three pairs of improvisers.
00:00:19.921 --> 00:00:23.641
They're all improvising a short scene. They're starting with the exact same
00:00:23.641 --> 00:00:27.091
two lines that I am messaging them right before we start recording.
00:00:27.091 --> 00:00:29.431
There's no pre-planning. They don't know each other's lines.
00:00:29.431 --> 00:00:32.237
They're hearing them for the first time when you're hearing them.
00:00:32.585 --> 00:00:40.009
And I am back from the Jersey Shore. I had approximately 600 Coors frozen custards
00:00:40.375 --> 00:00:42.146
when I was down there, if you know, you know.
00:00:42.791 --> 00:00:47.551
Now I'm back in North Jersey with an endless to-do list as we continue to try
00:00:47.551 --> 00:00:50.145
and slowly but surely get into this
00:00:50.604 --> 00:00:56.617
new house of ours. But I got to perform at the UCB Theater in New York for the first time, never been.
00:00:56.931 --> 00:01:00.693
It was really great to be back on stage with the old stepfathers.
00:01:01.145 --> 00:01:03.938
But hey, this is the penultimate episode of season one.
00:01:04.931 --> 00:01:08.941
I am taking a break. I've talked about it before. I basically have negative
00:01:08.941 --> 00:01:11.831
time available these days. I'm starting grad school.
00:01:12.411 --> 00:01:15.582
I'm TAing in undergrad class. I got two kids.
00:01:15.896 --> 00:01:19.569
I'm traveling around doing workshops and whatnot.
00:01:19.883 --> 00:01:23.941
So we're putting a pause on this little project for a bit until I have some
00:01:23.941 --> 00:01:28.191
more time to record again, but that doesn't mean you can't rate and review the pod.
00:01:28.291 --> 00:01:33.271
Uh, I would absolutely love it if you do. Uh, so thanks in advance.
00:01:33.751 --> 00:01:37.303
And if you've done it already, uh, double thank you. All right, let's get to it.
00:01:37.437 --> 00:01:42.284
Up first, you heard them all the way back in episode 26, uh, two episodes ago.
00:01:42.534 --> 00:01:48.841
It's James Dwyer and Benjamin Apple, uh, two longtime buds and UCB performers.
00:01:48.841 --> 00:01:53.811
uh you know benjamin he was always locked in to the improv scene he was always
00:01:53.811 --> 00:01:57.321
performing a ton and producing all these hilarious shorts and shows and all
00:01:57.321 --> 00:02:02.207
that stuff uh he's worked for the onion funnier die uh the tonight show
00:02:02.791 --> 00:02:06.941
i'm sure you've seen many of the national commercials that he has written uh
00:02:06.941 --> 00:02:10.901
james dwyer one of the best uh he's done it all harold knight he was on the
00:02:10.901 --> 00:02:15.701
law firm strife he's done ascat torco corporate workshops uh he's currently
00:02:15.701 --> 00:02:17.438
rocking it out with Duchovny uh
00:02:18.131 --> 00:02:21.591
he's a writer and actor maybe you've seen him on what we do in the shadows and
00:02:21.591 --> 00:02:27.771
just like that friends from college uh godfather of harlem dickinson and alternatino uh
00:02:28.591 --> 00:02:32.551
All right hey let's get to our first mutter with benjamin apple and james dwyer
00:02:36.687 --> 00:02:40.809
Hey um can you hold this end of the sofa while i try to get it through the doorway
00:02:42.161 --> 00:02:43.375
Yo how many push-ups can you do
00:02:49.059 --> 00:02:54.208
Not that many, but could you actually... Let's talk about that later, Ruby.
00:02:54.788 --> 00:02:58.762
Could you just help me out with the sofa while I try to get through the doorway? Yeah.
00:02:59.972 --> 00:03:04.392
Hell yeah. Here we go. Ready? Do you want me to count to three?
00:03:04.392 --> 00:03:06.952
Hold on. Now I need a second. I need a second. Yeah.
00:03:07.890 --> 00:03:09.951
I can just lift it. I don't have to count to three or anything.
00:03:11.512 --> 00:03:15.104
All right. Brady, are you all right, dude?
00:03:16.416 --> 00:03:17.211
Yeah. what's going on
00:03:19.032 --> 00:03:23.112
I don't know ever since i well i mean like now i think about it i came home
00:03:23.452 --> 00:03:28.055
last night and there was just so much beef jerky in the kitchen
00:03:29.756 --> 00:03:35.962
yeah and like protein powder and then i saw they were all in a blender dry no
00:03:35.962 --> 00:03:43.363
no wet in there dry yeah and you're just kind of like oh you're getting teamed up protein yeah
00:03:44.257 --> 00:03:46.799
Yeah well how How many pushups can you do?
00:03:49.794 --> 00:03:53.641
You know what? I don't even know the last time I did a push-up, so I don't know.
00:03:54.101 --> 00:03:58.681
That's fine. You know, for some people, that's fine. Yeah. Do you want me to
00:03:58.681 --> 00:04:01.619
just carry the couch in? No. Why don't you take a step back?
00:04:03.021 --> 00:04:07.451
I would rather help. I mean, it's my – I would rather – if you really want to
00:04:07.451 --> 00:04:10.396
try, I don't think it's going to work. Yeah. But – All right.
00:04:10.825 --> 00:04:11.319
Here we go.
00:04:15.618 --> 00:04:16.489
Oh, my God.
00:04:19.287 --> 00:04:19.941
God.
00:04:20.281 --> 00:04:24.311
What's this couch made of? Is this a real couch?
00:04:24.311 --> 00:04:26.712
I think it's filled with cotton. It's like filled with cotton.
00:04:27.269 --> 00:04:28.801
No, this is different.
00:04:29.225 --> 00:04:34.181
I mean, it's got a little bit of, I think, plywood. It's like light particle board type stuff.
00:04:34.221 --> 00:04:35.791
That's what it is.
00:04:36.581 --> 00:04:37.863
That's what it is?
00:04:39.163 --> 00:04:42.698
It's light. No, this is that new kind with the heavy wood.
00:04:43.721 --> 00:04:44.481
The new wood?
00:04:45.067 --> 00:04:46.187
How many pull-ups can you do?
00:04:47.377 --> 00:04:48.641
I have no idea man
00:04:49.141 --> 00:04:50.286
I know how many i did today
00:04:51.627 --> 00:04:59.651
No i did four full-ups that's not a lot i think if i had guessed that like that
00:04:59.651 --> 00:05:04.051
would have been me guessing what i think i could do and i don't
00:05:04.051 --> 00:05:07.962
Do you don't even know but you don't that's the thing you didn't
00:05:08.386 --> 00:05:09.061
Yeah you know
00:05:09.061 --> 00:05:13.017
And i don't you're basically what you're saying is in your wildest imagination
00:05:13.458 --> 00:05:17.281
you would hope to do four and that's how many I did today already.
00:05:17.721 --> 00:05:21.161
That's a good way to think about it, I guess. Why don't you just get the end
00:05:21.161 --> 00:05:23.947
of the couch and I'll try getting the other end. Maybe that'll work.
00:05:24.052 --> 00:05:25.439
Okay, here we go. I'll be honest.
00:05:25.852 --> 00:05:28.353
I did get it all the way up the stairs by myself.
00:05:29.137 --> 00:05:30.501
It's just that I'm having trouble getting it.
00:05:30.501 --> 00:05:33.270
Well, that was leverage. That was just the leverage.
00:05:34.762 --> 00:05:36.881
What? How do you think I got it up the stairs?
00:05:37.561 --> 00:05:43.001
You had a fulcrum. It's basically an inclined ramp. That's just simple tools.
00:05:43.361 --> 00:05:49.141
I didn't drag it. All right. I lifted it. I wasn't ready. Okay.
00:05:50.826 --> 00:05:53.508
You're going to pop a blood vessel to me. Let's put it down.
00:05:53.508 --> 00:05:55.728
Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Let's put it down. Yeah.
00:05:55.728 --> 00:06:00.508
What is this? What is this? Is this a couch? Is this actually a couch?
00:06:00.926 --> 00:06:02.468
Yeah, yeah. It's just a couch.
00:06:02.468 --> 00:06:09.398
Is this like one of those things where it's like a quarter with a nail attached
00:06:09.398 --> 00:06:13.518
to one side and you nail it into a piece of wood so people try to pick up the
00:06:13.518 --> 00:06:14.568
quarter and it's actually nailed into the wood?
00:06:14.568 --> 00:06:17.608
I've never heard of this thing. You can't say that like that's one of those things.
00:06:17.928 --> 00:06:23.488
It's a trick quarter. It's a common prank quarter. You've never heard of a prank quarter?
00:06:24.928 --> 00:06:28.628
Not like that. It's a quarter that's nailed into wood, and that's a prank?
00:06:28.628 --> 00:06:34.948
Yes. It's like, look it up. Read a fucking book, man. Whoa, dude. I know you're against.
00:06:34.948 --> 00:06:38.199
First of all, yeah. You know I can't read right now, all right?
00:06:38.396 --> 00:06:41.388
You know I can't. Oh, jeez. Something's going on. Yeah.
00:06:42.208 --> 00:06:45.188
You've been saying that your eyes have been tired for eight years.
00:06:45.472 --> 00:06:46.678
They are tired, man.
00:06:46.678 --> 00:06:47.469
Every time
00:06:49.693 --> 00:06:52.839
somebody asks you to read something, you say you can't read right now.
00:06:53.147 --> 00:06:58.248
Yeah, I can't right now. Because I can't do screens. And so books are basically
00:06:58.248 --> 00:06:59.708
like a paper screen to me.
00:07:00.128 --> 00:07:01.030
That's not true.
00:07:01.767 --> 00:07:02.448
Well, whatever.
00:07:02.448 --> 00:07:04.850
It's completely different. That's reflective light.
00:07:05.285 --> 00:07:06.388
That is not a screen.
00:07:06.908 --> 00:07:09.144
On three, let's try this time, okay?
00:07:09.701 --> 00:07:11.611
One, two.
00:07:11.901 --> 00:07:14.078
Whoa, let's stop. Let's stop.
00:07:14.252 --> 00:07:14.601
Huh?
00:07:14.827 --> 00:07:19.658
Huh? that scared the shit out of me sorry what was i was
00:07:19.658 --> 00:07:24.618
Just trying to get i was trying to get uh my blood oxygenated and i started
00:07:24.618 --> 00:07:30.466
feeling lightheaded okay all right how many how many miles can you run
00:07:31.987 --> 00:07:36.909
I do know that i mean how many can i run versus how many do i typically run
00:07:37.879 --> 00:07:41.468
How many could you run if i said to to run start running now
00:07:41.468 --> 00:07:47.628
How many miles just as far as i could I could probably run I mean not that much
00:07:47.628 --> 00:07:50.737
I'd say like maybe I could do 7 miles
00:07:51.753 --> 00:07:54.406
Alright well today I ran around the block twice
00:07:57.714 --> 00:07:58.384
How about that?
00:07:59.647 --> 00:08:05.313
Good job. Yeah, good job, buddy. Uh, let's try to finish this,
00:08:05.653 --> 00:08:10.524
getting this couch in the door. It's a little bit in, and then maybe we'll talk
00:08:10.524 --> 00:08:11.784
more about some of that stuff.
00:08:12.631 --> 00:08:15.254
Let's just try getting the couch out of the door. Hey, buddy.
00:08:15.254 --> 00:08:20.224
If you think you're so strong, you're so big and you're so strong,
00:08:20.224 --> 00:08:23.924
you're so good at reading, why don't you just, uh,
00:08:26.272 --> 00:08:31.067
Go fuck yourself. I don't like your attitude. Every time I do something new,
00:08:31.276 --> 00:08:35.850
every time I pick a new hobby, like right now it's protein and lifting.
00:08:36.221 --> 00:08:37.777
Every time I pick a new hobby,
00:08:38.033 --> 00:08:40.912
You're never impressed with me.
00:08:41.336 --> 00:08:47.319
No, I'm not. Because I'm constantly confused as to where you're sourcing your
00:08:47.319 --> 00:08:49.631
information on how to get into these hobbies.
00:08:50.519 --> 00:08:54.079
Remember when you got really into board games? And first of all,
00:08:54.079 --> 00:08:55.221
the games were always wet.
00:08:55.575 --> 00:08:59.429
like why were they always wet where are you getting them wet because they were
00:08:59.429 --> 00:09:04.409
wet when they got here is the other thing and then they disintegrate half the
00:09:04.409 --> 00:09:09.227
time because they're not working and also the only board game you got into was Sorry
00:09:10.679 --> 00:09:12.759
which sucks Sorry sucks
00:09:15.282 --> 00:09:19.839
When you get the cardboard wet it makes it softer and that makes it safe there's
00:09:19.839 --> 00:09:23.345
a lot of sharp edges on the cardboard
00:09:24.204 --> 00:09:31.042
and I'm scared and I soak a man in a bathtub for a couple hours and the rules are the same
00:09:32.979 --> 00:09:37.231
you just roll it out and afterwards you sweep it all up
00:09:37.927 --> 00:09:40.969
That's the craziest part too because of how soft it gets you're able to roll
00:09:40.969 --> 00:09:47.509
it up and roll it out like a sorry board should be able to do that I'm surprised that it works oh big
00:09:47.509 --> 00:09:50.049
Surprise that you don't like the way I play board
00:09:50.049 --> 00:09:56.364
Games I'm real surprised I'm not being fair I'll be honest I'm not being fair to you
00:09:57.165 --> 00:09:57.809
You know I.
00:09:57.809 --> 00:10:00.247
Quit my job to come help you move this couch
00:10:00.567 --> 00:10:03.839
Why did you fucking do that I really wish you hadn't
00:10:04.344 --> 00:10:07.929
I really wish you asked me if I could you asked me if I could help you move
00:10:07.929 --> 00:10:10.057
the couch and I was in the middle of a shift
00:10:11.026 --> 00:10:14.779
Then you could have said no you could have said no I can't help you you're my friend
00:10:17.650 --> 00:10:22.711
I would never quit my job for you. You quit at the peak of the lunch rush?
00:10:23.205 --> 00:10:29.950
Yeah, my phone is blowing up. Everybody wants to kill me. We were already understaffed.
00:10:30.711 --> 00:10:37.735
Yeah, that sounds so bad. You know, I might just see if I can return the couch.
00:10:42.282 --> 00:10:43.832
Thanks, Apple. Thanks, Dwyer. Next
00:10:43.832 --> 00:10:47.818
up, you heard them all the way back in episode 25. three episodes ago.
00:10:48.335 --> 00:10:52.120
It's Katie Maravich and Johnny McNulty. Katie, she's a writer,
00:10:52.329 --> 00:10:56.842
actress, director. She wrote, directed, and acted in five seasons of Reality
00:10:56.842 --> 00:10:59.683
Check, which was a weekly YouTube series on Fox TV.
00:10:59.956 --> 00:11:04.652
She was a cast member of College Humor Forever and created and starred in Kingpin
00:11:04.652 --> 00:11:10.062
Katie, eight-episode comedy series on Dropout that I had a small part in.
00:11:10.722 --> 00:11:15.042
She also created and hosted The Rank Room on Dropout and regularly appears in
00:11:15.042 --> 00:11:18.592
Dropout shows like Game changer breaking news smarty pants and dirty laundry
00:11:18.592 --> 00:11:21.880
she's written for several others including make some noise
00:11:22.165 --> 00:11:26.449
and uh money slumber party johnny mcnulty we were on our first harold team together
00:11:26.704 --> 00:11:31.209
shout out the opera uh he's a former contributor to the onion weekend update
00:11:31.494 --> 00:11:35.789
uh executive editor of some e-cards he took some time from the stage but now he's
00:11:36.126 --> 00:11:39.962
rocking it on harold night again in new york check him out with his team your
00:11:39.962 --> 00:11:43.322
girlfriend all right it's katie and johnny with our second mutter
00:11:47.795 --> 00:11:52.085
Could you hold this end of the sofa while I try to get it through the doorway?
00:11:54.372 --> 00:12:02.492
Yo, how many push-ups can you do? Wait, before we do that, how many push-ups can you do?
00:12:04.144 --> 00:12:10.590
Like, all time, like, best, I did 100 once. If you ask me now, I'm, like, 20.
00:12:14.244 --> 00:12:15.989
Can someone help? Only 20?
00:12:17.524 --> 00:12:19.334
I'm not I had a wrist injury
00:12:19.334 --> 00:12:20.400
Okay just let it down
00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:21.625
Oh god
00:12:23.703 --> 00:12:24.922
Okay
00:12:26.722 --> 00:12:30.344
Hi Okay are you fine are you better now Are you done being dramatic
00:12:31.134 --> 00:12:32.124
Yeah yeah
00:12:33.224 --> 00:12:40.056
I wanted to get movers I wanted to get movers And you said no because you could do a bunch of pushups
00:12:41.693 --> 00:12:48.450
Sarah Yeah okay I had this day in my mind where
00:12:49.764 --> 00:12:56.724
we would move all of our stuff in and each thing we would remember then moving
00:12:56.724 --> 00:13:03.018
it in and it would be our memory and it would just give our space like that really special.
00:13:04.261 --> 00:13:08.928
Okay, Mike, you know I'm not sentimental like that. You know I don't give a fuck.
00:13:09.090 --> 00:13:10.048
I know. Right?
00:13:11.284 --> 00:13:16.284
You knew that coming into the relationship. I did I wasn't going to care I don't
00:13:16.284 --> 00:13:21.094
do anniversaries I don't do birthdays I don't do Christmas You knew that No,
00:13:21.094 --> 00:13:23.014
You're pretty much Personal
00:13:23.014 --> 00:13:30.054
Best You know that all I care about is muscles I want a muscle meat pad Yeah,
00:13:30.054 --> 00:13:34.737
Okay, listen Alright, hold on Just give me a second Let me catch my breath
00:13:37.935 --> 00:13:38.458
One,
00:13:40.751 --> 00:13:46.988
two, I just was carrying a couch, three, so like I hope we're on a curve here.
00:13:47.238 --> 00:13:48.744
Keep going, keep going.
00:13:48.913 --> 00:13:49.516
Four.
00:13:50.747 --> 00:13:55.372
You know what, hold on, I'm going to sit on you and then you can lift my weight as well.
00:13:55.622 --> 00:13:55.918
Yeah.
00:14:01.113 --> 00:14:01.978
Five, six, seven.
00:14:03.383 --> 00:14:06.338
Oh, God. Seven. Hold on, hold on.
00:14:06.798 --> 00:14:13.908
Stop. You're sweating so much. It's so pathetic. It's disgusting.
00:14:17.542 --> 00:14:22.598
Yeah, listen, I did know that getting into this and
00:14:24.598 --> 00:14:29.558
and then things were going well. And like I was, you know, and then I had a
00:14:29.558 --> 00:14:34.718
wrist injury and I couldn't do strength for a little while. And I have to say,
00:14:34.718 --> 00:14:39.358
our relationship has really spiraled since then.
00:14:40.378 --> 00:14:44.337
But I was like, let's move in together, right? Because that fixes things.
00:14:46.259 --> 00:14:50.208
So I do have a question, though. And it's just occurred to me,
00:14:50.208 --> 00:14:55.673
I've never asked you, how many push-ups can you do?
00:14:57.638 --> 00:14:59.046
How many push-ups can I do?
00:14:59.336 --> 00:14:59.830
Yeah.
00:15:00.532 --> 00:15:05.896
You go around with strong opinions on how many push-ups other people can do.
00:15:08.287 --> 00:15:09.283
How many can you do?
00:15:09.283 --> 00:15:09.999
Okay, well,
00:15:12.327 --> 00:15:17.685
to be honest, I've never tried. I've never even tried one. I don't know. I have no idea.
00:15:18.492 --> 00:15:20.640
You don't even know what a push-up feels like?
00:15:21.748 --> 00:15:26.073
I don't even know what a push-up feels like, but maybe you're right.
00:15:26.073 --> 00:15:30.467
I guess I expect everyone around me to be able to do at least 100 push-ups at once.
00:15:30.868 --> 00:15:34.496
And here I am, not even doing one.
00:15:35.239 --> 00:15:44.673
I've been so scared of you and like I have to admit that's kind of like I have
00:15:44.673 --> 00:15:49.373
a like it's all a tangle the emotions that I feel
00:15:54.493 --> 00:15:59.160
Do you know that I didn't go to my grandma's funeral because she couldn't do a hundred pushups
00:15:59.810 --> 00:16:00.933
I do know do you know
00:16:00.933 --> 00:16:04.164
Now that I'm just realizing how fucked up that is
00:16:05.343 --> 00:16:07.133
You you sent me the woman
00:16:07.133 --> 00:16:09.656
Raised me yeah
00:16:10.045 --> 00:16:17.163
You sent me in your in your place and you told me to do a hundred push-ups in
00:16:17.163 --> 00:16:23.332
front of everybody and say that's what grandma never like did
00:16:25.196 --> 00:16:31.807
yeah and i did that because i love you and a lot of your family won't talk to me now
00:16:33.294 --> 00:16:39.795
No No Hey Mike Yes By the way
00:16:42.513 --> 00:16:47.192
There's something in the bathroom trash can that you might want to see.
00:16:49.415 --> 00:16:49.830
Okay.
00:16:49.830 --> 00:16:52.019
It's a pregnancy test.
00:16:53.238 --> 00:16:54.320
It's in the trash can?
00:16:56.501 --> 00:17:00.860
Yeah, I wasn't going to bring it up because you could only do 20 push-ups.
00:17:01.481 --> 00:17:02.540
You didn't know I could.
00:17:02.540 --> 00:17:09.990
But now I'm sort of, yeah, but now I'm just sort of like, maybe I'm ready to
00:17:09.990 --> 00:17:15.350
change and be a better person, be more accepting, and I don't know.
00:17:18.260 --> 00:17:18.880
Sarah, are we...
00:17:19.020 --> 00:17:22.150
Will you marry me? Oh, sorry. No, never mind. No, you're right.
00:17:22.150 --> 00:17:25.540
I shouldn't have said that. Never mind. Just forget that. Just pretend I didn't say that.
00:17:29.120 --> 00:17:33.280
Thanks, Katie. Thanks, Johnny. Last up, you heard these legends back in episode
00:17:33.280 --> 00:17:38.230
19. It's Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt, two OGs of the Upright Citizens
00:17:38.230 --> 00:17:41.740
Brigade Theater, both on a team called The Stepfathers in New York.
00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:43.388
Billy was one of the founders of that.
00:17:43.742 --> 00:17:49.557
Shannon came on a few years after that. I came on a few years after that. And now I'm back, baby.
00:17:50.420 --> 00:17:53.950
Both phenomenal improv teachers as well. I want to give them a shout out for
00:17:53.950 --> 00:17:57.127
that. But Spoh's acting in shows like Broad City, High Maintenance,
00:17:57.382 --> 00:17:59.367
the other two, Alternatino.
00:17:59.611 --> 00:18:03.837
She was recurring on Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter, and The Chris Gethard Show.
00:18:04.162 --> 00:18:09.991
She's still rocking out The Stepfathers and ASCAT in UCB and New York.
00:18:10.205 --> 00:18:15.116
Billy Merritt, he's rocked out the UCB stage for almost two decades on both coasts.
00:18:15.412 --> 00:18:19.081
You've seen him on The Conners, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Rec,
00:18:19.418 --> 00:18:25.107
Reno 911, Key and Peel, Weeds, Workaholics, Happy Ending Search Party, the list goes on.
00:18:25.426 --> 00:18:30.120
He's currently running an improvised podcast collective called The Bit Comedy
00:18:30.120 --> 00:18:31.463
Network, so go check that out.
00:18:31.748 --> 00:18:35.960
All right, it's our final mutter with Shannon O'Neill and Billy Merritt.
00:18:40.850 --> 00:18:45.668
Can you hold this end of the sofa while I try to get it through the doorway, please?
00:18:49.800 --> 00:18:50.148
Yeah.
00:18:53.684 --> 00:18:55.158
How many push-ups can you do?
00:18:56.470 --> 00:19:01.160
Oh, well, obviously not as many as I'd like.
00:19:01.543 --> 00:19:06.646
Having difficulty with the sofa, probably, I don't know. I haven't tried doing a push-up in a while.
00:19:07.087 --> 00:19:10.030
Oh, because this couch is pretty heavy, man. So I'm just like,
00:19:10.739 --> 00:19:15.167
I'm just kind of trying to guess what you're like, you know,
00:19:15.167 --> 00:19:18.355
like what your overall like football like score is, you know?
00:19:18.802 --> 00:19:19.951
My football score.
00:19:20.957 --> 00:19:23.428
Yeah, you know your weightlifting football score?
00:19:23.550 --> 00:19:28.177
Sure. Yeah, I know it. I know it. The couch is heavy because it's filled with nickels.
00:19:29.135 --> 00:19:30.760
Oh, sure.
00:19:31.172 --> 00:19:34.069
I've got about 6,000 nickels in the bottom of the couch.
00:19:34.551 --> 00:19:41.360
Okay. Okay. Okay, you're doing that fountain diving again?
00:19:41.842 --> 00:19:45.794
Fountain diving, yes, yes, yes. Back in the old days.
00:19:47.677 --> 00:19:52.452
I never really did any football work in and out, but I did a lot of pond diving.
00:19:53.903 --> 00:19:56.986
Oh, there you go. There you go. Thank you. All right.
00:19:57.334 --> 00:19:58.077
Thank you.
00:19:58.251 --> 00:20:00.184
Oh, that is good.
00:20:01.026 --> 00:20:03.441
Oh, wow. Hey. Okay.
00:20:03.876 --> 00:20:04.642
Thank you, neighbor.
00:20:05.377 --> 00:20:10.737
Yeah. No, yeah, I've said, yeah, we know so little about each other,
00:20:10.737 --> 00:20:13.286
but, you know, I've seen you.
00:20:14.562 --> 00:20:16.268
I've seen you. You know, I go
00:20:16.268 --> 00:20:21.342
for dawn bike rides. So I've seen you by the fountain by the courthouse.
00:20:22.114 --> 00:20:23.543
Oh, yes.
00:20:23.757 --> 00:20:23.888
Yeah.
00:20:25.505 --> 00:20:29.908
Yeah, you're going to find a lot of coinage in the morning, oddly enough.
00:20:30.851 --> 00:20:35.598
Apparently, if you research it, most people put money in the fountain late at
00:20:35.598 --> 00:20:36.726
night when no one's looking.
00:20:37.260 --> 00:20:41.438
Oh, yeah. Because they feel their wishes will be honored and not stolen.
00:20:41.438 --> 00:20:48.090
No, I've heard that. Yeah, I've heard that. the uh i dated a i dated a witch,
00:20:49.344 --> 00:20:53.837
like four years ago really she told me a lot about some things that you know
00:20:53.970 --> 00:20:57.668
because i was i yeah just moved in i just moved to town four years ago yeah
00:20:57.968 --> 00:21:02.218
and i was on uh i was on hinge and she was the only one on there just me and
00:21:02.218 --> 00:21:03.601
her so we kept kind of like,
00:21:04.471 --> 00:21:07.638
i was like nope but then she'd be back and i'd be like nope so i just like let
00:21:07.638 --> 00:21:10.247
me let me swipe on let me let me swipe on um,
00:21:11.277 --> 00:21:14.451
Norda. I'll swipe on Norda and Norda and I dated.
00:21:15.443 --> 00:21:16.501
Norda's in her name?
00:21:17.046 --> 00:21:18.263
Norda the Witch.
00:21:18.263 --> 00:21:23.003
Norda the Witch. Was she witch forward or is it just something that she also did?
00:21:24.447 --> 00:21:25.482
She's witch forward.
00:21:25.725 --> 00:21:27.153
Witch forward? Yeah.
00:21:27.153 --> 00:21:32.348
She's witch forward and then she's pottery backwards.
00:21:32.819 --> 00:21:39.433
Pottery backwards? Does that mean she's not good at pottery or she does pottery?
00:21:39.433 --> 00:21:43.115
No, yeah, she does pottery, but which is her main source of income.
00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:46.174
And pottery backwards is like, it's like her hobby.
00:21:46.464 --> 00:21:47.260
Sure, sure.
00:21:47.631 --> 00:21:49.756
Yeah, no, but she told me about the coin thing.
00:21:50.667 --> 00:21:51.103
Oh, really?
00:21:51.683 --> 00:21:54.545
Yeah, and then she told me about the, it's why I bike at dawn.
00:21:54.992 --> 00:21:57.830
Because she said, bike at dawn, the ghosts are gone.
00:21:58.440 --> 00:22:01.877
Yeah, dawn is the safest time to be alive outside.
00:22:02.783 --> 00:22:07.483
I think a lot of the mystic energies are switching over to daytime at night.
00:22:07.483 --> 00:22:11.363
You know, those Looney Tune commercials are commercials. I think they're called
00:22:11.363 --> 00:22:17.943
cartoons where they morning Fred morning Frank and they're what are they?
00:22:18.463 --> 00:22:19.518
Punching the time clock.
00:22:20.743 --> 00:22:23.163
Oh, yeah, yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
00:22:23.622 --> 00:22:27.603
So as all the demons and dementors and the goblins and the ghouls are all just
00:22:27.603 --> 00:22:31.987
crossing at that moment in time, that's the time to get out there and really enjoy the world.
00:22:32.515 --> 00:22:38.076
Hey, sorry to sorry to interrupt. um i'm i'm in 24e oh hey
00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:43.085
i think you stole my nickel man what i made a wish
00:22:43.892 --> 00:22:47.775
yeah i made one wish with a nickel down at the fountain yeah
00:22:48.518 --> 00:22:52.023
and i kind of woke up because i had to pee this morning i kind of just kind
00:22:52.023 --> 00:22:57.400
of glanced out my window and i saw you fully in like a scuba's outfit dive in
00:22:57.824 --> 00:23:02.479
and take a bunch of nickels one of those nickels is mine man that's my wish you shouldn't
00:23:03.164 --> 00:23:04.703
How do you know it was your nickel?
00:23:06.473 --> 00:23:08.743
Do you come on it? You're the guy that comes on coins, right?
00:23:10.056 --> 00:23:12.376
Oh, 24B, right? Is that, was that?
00:23:12.696 --> 00:23:13.146
24E.
00:23:14.055 --> 00:23:16.028
24E.
00:23:16.237 --> 00:23:22.796
24E for E for Ejaculate. Yeah. Well, yes. Yeah, I'm the guy that comes on coins. Okay. Whatever.
00:23:22.796 --> 00:23:26.176
Tell me something. Tell me something. What was your wish? Because maybe I didn't
00:23:26.176 --> 00:23:29.246
steal it. Maybe I'm a wish giver. What was your wish?
00:23:29.577 --> 00:23:34.662
That I could stop coming on coins. I can't help it. I really want to stop. I cannot help it.
00:23:35.608 --> 00:23:41.906
Every time I see a coin, I get hard as a rock and I want to come all over it.
00:23:41.906 --> 00:23:46.004
Okay? There's just something about it that I was like, it's legal tender and
00:23:46.149 --> 00:23:47.577
I wanted to face it immediately.
00:23:48.336 --> 00:23:51.548
Yeah. And I wished, please, for the love of God, to stop it.
00:23:52.413 --> 00:23:56.116
And I came on that nickel. So if you have a come down nickel, that's mine.
00:23:57.724 --> 00:24:00.826
Well, I mean, let's take care of the problem, not the nickel.
00:24:01.946 --> 00:24:03.518
Let's find out a way to fix this.
00:24:04.666 --> 00:24:08.936
Were you under any sort of spells? You were talking about your witch friend.
00:24:08.936 --> 00:24:10.565
Does she know anything about this?
00:24:11.830 --> 00:24:15.886
Oh, yeah. She's a, yeah. I mean, we're just buddy, like F buddies now.
00:24:15.886 --> 00:24:17.705
Like we're not like full on dating anymore.
00:24:17.902 --> 00:24:19.876
Oh, I didn't mean to imply. Okay, sure.
00:24:19.876 --> 00:24:22.570
I've tried witches. Who's the witch? Who's your witch?
00:24:23.866 --> 00:24:24.299
Noda.
00:24:24.793 --> 00:24:29.856
Oh, Noda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know Noda. i tried nota nota nota no no
00:24:29.856 --> 00:24:37.180
no no no no no uh it she tried but okay
00:24:38.526 --> 00:24:42.176
i literally walked out of her place and immediately saw a coin on the ground
00:24:42.176 --> 00:24:46.659
and immediately came on it and immediately got arrested for indecent exposure
00:24:47.861 --> 00:24:50.090
this was like tried lighting candles
00:24:51.297 --> 00:24:54.211
yeah just randomly or like with a purpose
00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:58.126
Yeah well lighting candles uh uh getting
00:24:58.926 --> 00:25:04.046
a uh a giant uh melon or pumpkin cutting a hole in the pumpkin and then cutting
00:25:04.046 --> 00:25:08.846
the hole over the top uh filling that pumpkin with wax of the melted candle
00:25:09.466 --> 00:25:10.773
uh and then sticking your dick in it
00:25:11.435 --> 00:25:16.050
Okay you know what he's talking about because you're nodding as if this is no
00:25:16.357 --> 00:25:18.070
really this is common knowledge
00:25:18.418 --> 00:25:22.986
What the hell my mom kept me from masturbating too much when I was.
00:25:22.986 --> 00:25:26.106
In school. What the hell? This is a huge problem of mine. It seems like everyone
00:25:26.106 --> 00:25:27.758
knows a solution. I've prayed for this.
00:25:28.466 --> 00:25:31.932
I've wished upon a come down nickel and I've talked to a witch.
00:25:32.083 --> 00:25:35.006
No one has mentioned the melon candle situation.
00:25:35.006 --> 00:25:36.382
Can I offer you another solution?
00:25:36.887 --> 00:25:39.029
Sure. I'll take any solutions.
00:25:39.436 --> 00:25:40.283
Apple wallet.
00:25:40.754 --> 00:25:41.212
Yeah.
00:25:42.697 --> 00:25:43.876
Apple wallet
00:25:44.247 --> 00:25:47.981
Yeah yeah then you don't need to have any cash no coins on you oh oh.
00:25:48.601 --> 00:25:53.581
Yeah you meant like come on and a digital entity now it makes sense now that
00:25:53.581 --> 00:25:56.490
i don't have any physical legal tender in my hands
00:25:56.768 --> 00:26:00.801
Yes because the problem is the first problem is coins right because masturbation.
00:26:00.801 --> 00:26:04.216
Self-pleasure no is coins legal tender is that just paper
00:26:05.075 --> 00:26:06.353
That's no it's legal tender.
00:26:06.532 --> 00:26:08.843
Legal tender applies to coins as well right
00:26:09.063 --> 00:26:11.581
Well not pennies anymore they discontinue pennies So,
00:26:12.941 --> 00:26:16.601
I mean, I discontinued pennies at this point. So like pennies. Whoa.
00:26:17.161 --> 00:26:22.821
Yeah. I mean, I can't. There's two pennies were my biggest challenge.
00:26:22.821 --> 00:26:25.341
They're so tiny. They're copper, you know,
00:26:25.341 --> 00:26:27.343
Like they're dimes tinier.
00:26:29.621 --> 00:26:30.154
Are they
00:26:31.026 --> 00:26:32.196
Yes they're tinier.
00:26:32.324 --> 00:26:34.832
Yeah but they're like they're silvery you know they're not as
00:26:35.630 --> 00:26:37.119
Easy to spot or
00:26:37.751 --> 00:26:42.430
No i guess they're easier to spot because the light too light a little too light
00:26:42.790 --> 00:26:49.470
yeah they're a little too light for me yep i want to i want to i want dark i want red i meant
00:26:49.470 --> 00:26:50.930
Like wait oh wait.
00:26:51.430 --> 00:26:55.690
Oh i was talking about i think i was talking about the race of the coin that
00:26:55.690 --> 00:26:59.430
that's on me that's on me i think all coins have like they're they're on the
00:26:59.430 --> 00:27:03.550
spectrum of you know how light and dark that they are and i think i'm a sick
00:27:04.050 --> 00:27:07.530
i'm just a sick man that needs solutions so okay i'm
00:27:08.506 --> 00:27:12.425
Sorry yeah apple wallet i think is a great idea and then if you want to go the mystical route
00:27:12.616 --> 00:27:13.230
Okay uh
00:27:13.630 --> 00:27:17.220
Yeah well there's the fuck melon but also uh when you said penny i was thinking
00:27:17.220 --> 00:27:23.560
about what about penny the cum goblin uh uh she hangs out down by the the wishing
00:27:23.560 --> 00:27:25.004
well area the the fountain
00:27:25.283 --> 00:27:29.960
Yeah i know penny have you seen her yeah i have seen her she loves come she's
00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:31.630
not yeah she ain't no coin
00:27:32.150 --> 00:27:36.230
I mean that's why she's a goblin she'd be gobbling it but she can.
00:27:36.630 --> 00:27:43.010
She'll take all your cum and you'll never come again uh that's the beauty of her uh her style yeah she
00:27:43.650 --> 00:27:45.690
Takes all of it yeah what
00:27:46.249 --> 00:27:47.712
Vacuum seals your balls.
00:27:47.991 --> 00:27:50.930
Yeah i think that's like an extreme thing of what i want i still want to be
00:27:50.930 --> 00:28:02.259
able to she just goes oh jesus you did that really well yeah are you the cum goblin
00:28:03.142 --> 00:28:04.530
Well there are many cum goblins
00:28:16.570 --> 00:28:19.177
Thanks, Bill. Thanks, Billy. And thanks to all my guests, Benjamin Ablett.
00:28:19.177 --> 00:28:20.507
He's on Herald Night in L.A.
00:28:20.507 --> 00:28:24.817
Check out his team, Gas Money, and check him out when he does Ask Sketch on Saturdays.
00:28:24.817 --> 00:28:30.037
James Dwyer, he's with Duchovny at TGIF every Friday at BCC in Brooklyn,
00:28:30.246 --> 00:28:33.017
and once a month with Duchovny at the UCB Theater in New York.
00:28:33.017 --> 00:28:36.475
Follow Katie Maravich at Katie Maravich on the socials. You can check her out
00:28:36.696 --> 00:28:40.440
in the upcoming movie, Greatest Treasure in the World, and all over the dropout-overse.
00:28:40.817 --> 00:28:45.937
uh johnny mcnulty the johnny mcnulty on instagram he's on the harold team your
00:28:45.937 --> 00:28:48.277
girlfriend they're at the ucb new york uh
00:28:49.432 --> 00:28:52.357
shannon o'neill third friday of every month she's with the stepfathers at the
00:28:52.357 --> 00:28:56.775
ucb in new york and check her out in asscat and nuns sluts and cunts
00:28:57.106 --> 00:29:00.757
uh and you can follow her at spotastic or at sporamics where you can buy her
00:29:00.757 --> 00:29:04.699
pottery uh billy merit check out bit comedy network.com uh
00:29:05.377 --> 00:29:08.639
it's his online podcast theater experiment where you can record
00:29:08.941 --> 00:29:11.919
your own improvised podcast thanks to seth and newt for the music and the art
00:29:12.122 --> 00:29:14.797
if you want to submit your own first two lines to be used in season two just
00:29:14.797 --> 00:29:20.077
DM me mutterfly the pod on instagram or email mutterfly the pod gmail.com please
00:29:20.077 --> 00:29:22.815
rate and review the show to feed the algorithm
00:29:23.146 --> 00:29:27.302
i'll be back next thursday with the season one finale of mutterfly i'm don finelli
00:29:27.691 --> 00:29:29.986
gore's frozen custard
