Redefining Commitment: The Benefits and Myths of Living Apart as a Couple

In this enlightening episode of M.E.S.H., Dr. Pamela Brewer sits down with Dr. Ann Turner to explore the concept of "Living Apart Together" (LAT) relationships. Dr. Turner, a certified sex therapist and divorce coach, shares her expertise on why more couples—especially older adults and blended families—are choosing to maintain committed relationships while living in separate dwellings. Throughout the conversation, Dr. Turner dispels myths, walks through the practicalities, and offers insight into the various factors that make LAT a healthy and fulfilling choice for many. They also touch on topics like polyamory, "gray divorce," and what agreements are crucial for making alternative relationship structures work.

Topics Covered:

• Definition and criteria of Living Apart Together (LAT) relationships
• Differences between LAT and long-distance relationships
• Historical and cultural influences on LAT's popularity
• LAT for blended families, older couples, and after "gray divorce"
• Impact of COVID-19 on living arrangements and relationship expectations
• Gender trends and demographic shifts in embracing LAT
• Attachment styles and LAT compatibility
• Importance of clear communication and agreements in LAT arrangements
• Alternatives to LAT for creating space in relationships
• Polyamory and variations of committed relationships
• Navigating stepfamilies and neurodivergence with LAT

Key Takeaways:

• LAT is a flexible, valid relationship model where couples maintain commitment while living in separate homes.
• The arrangement often appeals to blended families, older couples, and those wishing to retain independence or certain benefits.
• Clear, honest communication and explicit agreements are vital to making LAT work.
• LAT may not suit those with anxious attachment styles who need frequent reassurance or proximity.
• Relationship structures should fit the people in them, not social expectations.
• Space or independent pursuits can be nurtured without necessarily living apart—options range from separate bedrooms to individual studios.

Questions I Ask (Best Questions from the Host):

• “What exactly is living apart together? Is that a thing? Is it a new thing?”
• “Is this the same thing as a long distance relationship?”
• “Is this a healthy option?”
• “What are some of the reasons that people choose to live together apart?”
• “Does there need to be a marriage certificate? Legally, is this considered a marriage?”
• “What are some things that people really need to consider if this is something that they want to do?”

The Six Best Quotes:

1. “If it works for you as the client, then it works—like, that's great. That's what really matters.” – Dr. Ann Turner
2. “You don't have to do a live apart together relationship to have some space in your relationship.” – Dr. Ann Turner
3. “When you get divorced, women take longer to remarry because they're able to usually make those social connections and build their life, so they're less likely to want to couple up and have to be under the same roof.” – Dr. Ann Turner
4. “If someone wants to live separately, why does it bother you?... it's their life and if it works for them, then I think it's kind of none of your business.” – Dr. Ann Turner
5. “It's very helpful because it allows that container. It's actually a physical container instead of always interacting and having that rub in the relationship.” – Dr. Ann Turner
6. “You can have some space, literal space in your home, especially once kids are gone and now you have children's bedrooms free.” – Dr. Ann Turner

Connect with the Guest:

• Website: annturner.com
• Email: DrannTurnerTherapist@mail.com
• Instagram: @DrAnnTurner

Resources List:

• Book: Latitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work by Vicki Larson
• Show: Big Love (Referenced for communal/alternative family structures)
• M.E.S.H. Podcast info: M.E.S.H. Website/Archive (For podcast episodes and resources)

#LivingApartTogether
#Relationships
#MentalHealth
#EmotionalWellbeing
#GrayDivorce
#Polyamory
#BlendedFamilies
#RelationshipAdvice