Spring Reset – Week 2

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The following podcast is part of the mind Bodyspirit dot
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FM podcast network. Welcome to the Doctor Drayvon James Everyday
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Peace Podcast, where we explore the ideas and practices that
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help you create a life of peace, purpose and possibility
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every single day. I'm your host, Doctor Drayvon James, and
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as always, I'm so grateful you're here choosing peace with
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me today. Well, we are week two of our Spring
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Reset series, clearing mental clutter for a stronger road ahead.
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And before we begin, let's take a moment to reflect
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on last week. In week one, we ask a powerful question,
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what's crowding your mind? For the concept that you cannot
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clear what you won't name. We talked about mental clutter,
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those unfinished conversations, unrealistic expectations, comparison loops, future worries, and
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identity questions that quietly take up space in your mind.
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And we walk through a simple but powerful mental inventory
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where we begin to separate what you can control, what
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requires action, and what simply is mental noise. And if
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you did that exercise, you may have noticed something. A
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lot of what's taking up space in your mind, well,
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is it really actually yours to control? And that's where
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we are going to go today. So let's start by
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taking a breath together, strong in hell through the nose,
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exhale through the mouth, and let's begin. There's something deeply
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human about wanting wanting control? Would you agree most people
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want some amount of control. We want to know what's
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going to happen, we want to feel prepared, and most
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of all, we want to feel safe. Sounds reasonable, right,
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We want to know what's going on, we want to
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feel prepared for what's going on, and we want to
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feel safe in whatever's going on. So control gives us
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the illusion of certainty. In fact, during the times of COVID,
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people would say that the most thing that they found
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disturbing was that they didn't have any control. They didn't
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know what was going on. And I challenged myself and
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my and my clients to examine our life, really examine
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our life. Most days, most things we don't have control over.
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It's an illusion, right, that is an illusion. Control gives
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us the illusion of certainty and certainty. Well, that feels
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like peace. In psychology, this is often explained through something
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that they call locus of control. I'm not a psychologist,
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I'm a life coach. And a farm d But I
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have heard this term, and I've read about this concept.
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Locus of control a concept developed by psychologists Julian Rudder.
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I hope I'm saying that right or wroter, and it
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describes how strongly people believe they have control over the
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events in their lives. When we feel uncertain or overwhelmed,
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we often try to increase our sense of control, even
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in situations where control isn't actually possible. But here's where
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it gets tricky. What we often call being responsible is
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just sometimes control in disguise. We tell ourselves, I just
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want to make sure everything's going to go right. I
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need to stay on top of things. If I don't
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handle this, who will? Now? I gotta tell you, at
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some points in my life this was absolutely me. I
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want to repeat that because I know a lot of
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people who this. These are the principles for which they
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run their life. This is why they are thought to
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be such good teammates at work, because they just want
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to make sure everything goes right. They'll put in heroic
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hours and overextend themselves. Why Because they just want to
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make sure everything goes right. They need to stay on
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top of things. If they don't handle this, who will?
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So we call that being responsible, but it's sometimes just
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control in disguise. And while those thoughts can sound reasonable,
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they can quietly turn into over responsibility, where you start
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carrying other people's emotions, outcomes that you cannot guarantee, in
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timelines that you do not control. And I want to
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say that again, because what happens when we have the
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mindset of I just want to make sure everything goes right.
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I need to stay on top of things. If I
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don't handle this, who will right? Those sound like reasonable
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statements to make they sound very much adultish and responsible,
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but they can quickly turn into over responsibility where we
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start carrying other people's emotions, we start carrying outcomes for
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which we cannot guarantee, We start carrying timelines that we
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have no control over, and without realizing it, you begin
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trying to manage everything. You're like a circus clown. You
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get so many balls in the ear right, let me
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ask you something very gently, as they say, let me
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hold your hand while I ask you this question. What
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are you holding together that was never yours to hold
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in the first place? What are you holding together that
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was never yours to hold in the first place, because
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control is tricky. It feels productive, but often times it's
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just exhausting the illusion of control. Let's talk about it.
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Let's talk about what we're actually trying to control, because
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this is where clarity begins. There are four areas where
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we tend to overreach why because we want that sense
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of control. The first is other people's behavior. We want
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people to one understand us that we want to be understood.
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We'll go out of our way sometimes to over explain.
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We just want you to understand where we're coming from.
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What are the people's behavior we want to show up differently?
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Why we want other people's behavior. We want people to
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and I want to say that again clearly, we want
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other people to show up differently. We want to try
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to control their behavior. Right. We know moms do that
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all the time. Right, You're little one is going into
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the third grade for the first time, and you've done
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so much coaching, and you get that phone call from
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the teacher and you're like, oh my goodness, how many
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times do we go over this? I don't want you
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to show up in class that way, right, We're trying
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to We want to help by controlling how the other
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person shows up. Right. We can have the best of intentions,
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but we want to be careful. We also want to
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control other people's behavior by making better choices. We want
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you to make better choices. Right, you get teenagers. I'm
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just picking on moms because I'm a mom and we're
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easy target sometimes, right, But I love us, I love us.
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And it's not just moms. It's people without children, it's dads, people,
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you know, it's the world, it's even our young people
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want to control other people, right, we want our friends
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to make better choices. We're trying to control other people's behavior. Right.
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There are four areas where we have an illusion of
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control and where we tend to overreach, and the number
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one is other people's behavior. We want people to understand us.
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We want other people to show up differently, and we
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want other people to make better decisions, better choices. We
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think if I say the right thing in the right way,
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if I explain it better, if I care enough, they'll change.
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But people don't change because we want them to. No,
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people change when they're good and dog gone ready to change.
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And that's just the way it is. And trying to
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control that will drain you every single time, Right, it's
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not it's bigger than you. It's you know, it's bigger
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than us. We may be coming from a loving place,
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but people don't change because we want them to. They
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change when they're good and dog gone ready to change.
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Another area where we're where we tend to overreach for
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the illusion of control. Are the outcomes we want things
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to work out? Of course we do. We want our
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efforts to equal results. We're putting in all this hard work.
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We want to see equal results for the work that
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we put in. Right seems reasonable. We want certainty at
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the end of our actions. Right, you put in all
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this work. You want to be guaranteed that a certain
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outcome is going to happen. But outcomes are influenced by
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many things, not just your actions, not just my actions,
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not just our good intentions. Outcomes are influenced by things
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like such as timing other people. Imagine that right, Not
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just my actions, not just your actions. Other people's actions
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will influence the outcomes. And what don't we have control
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over other people's actions. So outcomes are also influenced by circumstances,
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many other circumstances that are beyond your rea. You can
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do everything right and still not control the outcome. We've
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got to be a piece of that. Hear my heart
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with that, you can do everything right and still not
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control the outcome. We're talking about areas. There are four areas.
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That was Area number one was other people's behavior. Area
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number two were outcomes. These are four areas where we
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tend to overreach because we're trying to have this illusion
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of control. So area number three is tiny. This one
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is deeply frustrated. We want things to happen now. If
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they don't happen now, at least, please let them happen
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on schedule. If they don't happen on schedule, please let
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them happen according to our plan. Now we know life.
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What's that book Grapes of Wrath? It was a Grapes
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of Wrath. It wasn't that, oh gosh of mice and men,
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you know, and it talked about how you're timing. You know,
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plans often go a ride. The best of plans often
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go awry. That wasn't of mice and men, right, The
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best of plans often go awry, And that's how life is.
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Right.
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Life doesn't always move on our timeline right, and we
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we resist that when we're just resistant, you know, solf
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our foot down. That creates tension when we're inflexible. So
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it has to happen this way or it's unacceptable. Has
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it happened at this time? Was unacceptable? We've got to
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release that. Right, The best laid plans of mice and
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men often go awry. That was the phrase from from
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the book. And so that is number three on our
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list of four areas where we tend to overreach because
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we're looking for this illusion of control. The fourth area
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that we tend to overreach in is approval. You heard me, approval.
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We want to be seen as value and understood, right,
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to be seen as a person who's adding value to
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the situation. Our words are wise, our participation is stellar. Right,
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They couldn't do it without us. We want to be
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seen as seen as value, value, and we want to
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be understood. So what do we do. We adjust, be changed,
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We overgive, we overthink because we're always trying to think
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how can we be of the most value? On the surface,
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it seems harmless at it even seems like, yeah, that's
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the kind of person I want to be around. But
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when it spins out of control, which can do that
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relatively quickly and it becomes the spiral effect. You're going
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to have a sense of being overwhelmed. So trying to
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control how others perceive us is impossible, really, but approval
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is not something we can control, right, we can't control
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how other people perceive us. We can control our actions,
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but we don't know how they're going to view those actions.
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They're going to view those actions from their own vantage point, right.
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So it's something that we have to receive or release,
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and that is approval. Other people's opinions of us, right,
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their perception of us. We either have to receive that perception,
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that opinion, or we have to release that perception or opinion.
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And that's where our control is. We cannot control how
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you perceive us. We can decide whether or not we
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can accept your perception or we release your perception. Everybody's
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entitled to their opinion. You don't have to agree with
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it when it is an opinion about you. Now, here's
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the shift that changes everything. Responsibility versus ownership. This is
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the ship that changes everything, responsibility versus ownership. Responsibility says
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I am accountable for my actions, my words, my choices.
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Remember from week one we talked about that what are
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the things that you can control? Your actions, your words,
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and your choices. What can I not control how you
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perceive my actions, my words, or my choices. But to
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be responsible, I know I am accountable for my actions,
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my words, and my choices. What does ownership say? Ownership
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says I am responsible for everything. Now we really have
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narrowed it down. I am only responsible for my actions,
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my words, and my choices. And ownership saying I am
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responsible for everything. Well, those are not the same. Right,
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you are not responsible to people. I'm sorry. You are
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responsible to people for your actions, your words, and your choices. So, yes,
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you are responsible to people for your actions, your words,
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and your choices. You are not responsible for people. People
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are responsible for themselves. Just take a breath on that.
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That's a big load off of your shoulders. You're not
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responsible for how they behave, how they act, how they
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show up. No, indeed, that's not your responsibility. Let that
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land and let that grow within you. You are responsible to
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people for your words, your actions, and your choices. You
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are not responsible for people. So the cost of holding
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on to control. Holding on to control comes at a
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very hefty cost, and many of us have been paying
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that cost for a long time. Let's stop because when.
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You hear what it costs for you to hold the
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illusion of control, because remember, the only thing you're controlling
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her your words, your actions, and your choices.
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But if you're fighting for that illusion of control, it
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comes at a very hefty cost. And what does that
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cost over the long haul? First cost is anxiety. When
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you try to control everything, your mind is always working.
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It doesn't get a break. Your mind needs a break.
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So when your mind is always working, you're always scanning,
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always looking about, always anticipating. You're on alert all of
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the time because there's always something else that could go wrong,
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and you're not wrong about that. But remember you're not
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responsible for everything. Say it with me. You can only
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control what your actions, your words, your choices, your actions,
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your words, your choices. That's all you can control. Research
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shows that a heightened need for control is closely linked
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to increased anxiety. So if you're taking ownership of everything,
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you most likely could likely be experiencing anxiety, particularly particularly
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when outcomes are uncertain and winter our outcomes uncertain always always.
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This has been explored extensively in stress in coping research,
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so there's a lot of research out here that says
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that when you are in a heightened state of control,
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you're also experiencing increased anxiety. So there has been a
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lot of extensive research on stress in coping, research including
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work by a psychologist by the name of Richard Lazarus
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who found that perceived lack of control significantly impacts emotional stress.
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Is that something strained relationships, But it's another high cost
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that you pay for trying to be in control of
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everything you have strained relationships. Now, this ought to be
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a no brainer to us, Right, do people like being controlled?
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Do you like being controlled? No, even when it comes
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from a loving place, When you try to manage others,
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they feel pressured and you feel frustrated because they're probably
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not going to have it right, and you're like beating
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your head against a brick wall. Because control often feels
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like to the person who's on the receiving end of that,
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it feels like criticism, it feels like micromanaging, it feels
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like a lack of trust. And I only I'm speaking
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from myself, my perspective as a mom, because gosh, in retrospect,
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you do so many things differently, but that control that
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you know, that little the little nagging stuff that I
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would say as a mom, or remember this, and remember
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that I'm saying it for a place of Oh, you're
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my darling, little baby, even though you're an adult now,
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and I don't want anything to happen to you. And
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perhaps they're perceiving it as my mom still doesn't trust me. Right,
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So we have got it, and I can't control how
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they perceive it, but I can control the words that
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are coming out of my mouth. Right And as that
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old aged says, when you know better, you do better.
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So you want to choose words that are not taking
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someone's control from them. So because control often feels like criticism, micromanaging,
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and lack of trust, and we do not want to
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communicate those three things to people that we love. Right.
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So another cost that you pay, high cost that you
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pay for trying to control everything is decision paralysis, because
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if you're making all the decisions, you may suffer from
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decision paralysis. When everything feels important, when every outcome feels
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like it depends on you, decisions become heavy because now
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you're not just choosing well, you're trying to guarantee results.
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That's a big difference. Studies in cognitive psychology show that
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when individuals feel overly responsible for outcomes, it increases decision fatigue,
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making it harder to choose effectively over time. One of
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the things that I became very made a part of
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my everyday practice in my professional life managing teams is
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that I would take big decisions to the team. Ultimately,
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the leader has to make the decision, but what we
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build together, we hope to sustain together. And just having
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that input helped take some of that decision paralysis off
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of me. Because I would get input from other people,
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it would just make it a little bit easier. I
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encourage those of you who may be in positions of
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leadership two because this is a great place where decision
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paralysis can really impact us, right because how many decisions
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do you need to make in a day and all
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of them feeling so heavy? Because it not only impacts
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your team, it impacts outcomes. I work in healthcare and
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impact patient care outcomes. So utilizing resources in one of
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the resources actually is your team. So do with that
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what you will, but that it can help with that
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decision paralysis. Another strong, strong impact to a cost that
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we pay for trying to always be in control or
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maintain that control position is burnout. I do a whole
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series on burnout, and this is a big one because
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carrying what is it yours will eventually wear you down,
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not all at once, but over time it will where
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you down. You can pretty much talk to oh my gosh,
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any parent, any oh my gosh leaders, just people who
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have over extended themselves in friendships. Burnout is real chronic psychology,
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psychological stress, especially from trying to manage uncontrollable factors. I
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know you don't need to say it again, but most
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factors are outside of your control. In fact, there are
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only three factors say it with me, your actions, your words,
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and your choices that you can control. Everything else is
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an uncontrollable factor, and trying to manage uncontrollable factors has
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been linked to burnout and emotional exhaustion in multiple studies
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across occupational health research. So burnout is real, and we
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can minimize the impact of burnout by taking off the
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ownership role and moving into the responsibility role. What's my responsibility?
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Let me give you a visual. Imagine you're driving a car.
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Your hands are gripping the steering roll so tightly, your
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shoulders are tense, your jaw is clinched right. You're focused
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on every possible thing. The car is around you, the
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traffic ahead of you, the timing of every light, and
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instead of driving smoothly, you're exhausted. Can you imagine your
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told Your shoulders are clinched, your hands are clinched on
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the steering roll. You are exhausted, not because the road
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is impossible, but because you're trying to control everything on
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the road. Here's the truth. You don't need to control
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the entire road. You just need to steer your car.
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That's a lesson for life. You don't need to control
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the entire road. You just need to steer your car.
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Let's talk about letting go. Let's talk about letting go.
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How about releasing what you can't control. Not theory, not theory.
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I'm not talking about just releasing it in theory, the
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philosophy of releasing what you can't control. I'm seeing practicality
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in practice, releasing what you cannot control. Number one, The
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step in letting go is to name it. What are
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you trying to control? Be honest, Be honest. Are you
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trying to control someone's response? Are you trying to control
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a specific outcome? Are you trying to control type? Are
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you trying to control how you are perceived? And let
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me say, none of this is really bad on the surface.
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It's what happens under the surface. So this is like
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like to use children analogies. Clad I like children a lot,
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and I learn a lot from children. But it's just
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like you know, a kid and one to have a
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This really happened to me. My niece was a little
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I didn't have kids, and I took her to Friendlies
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that was an ice cream shop in her town. And
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I'm the aunt right, she wanted another cup of hot chocolate.
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You're with Auntie, now you'll get another cup of hot chocolate.
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What I didn't realize I didn't have kids, is that
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it was too late in the day for another cup
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of hot chocolate. And so she suffered all night long
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and couldn't get any good rests. Right, And she didn't realize,
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and I didn't realize that what seemed to be just
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a loving act in the beginning had some consequences that
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were unpleasant. So it may seem really really mature that
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you want to control how other people perceive you. Right.
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We hear that as young professionals, Right, it's my job
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to go in there and give a good impression. A
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better way of saying that, it is my job to
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make choices and have the actions of a reliable professional.
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How you perceive me, that is on you. You have
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every right to misinterpret my actions. In fact, oftentimes people
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misinterpret your actions. Mother Teresa talked about that an article
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or something that she said. She said, people will often
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believe that your good deed was done for selfish reasons.
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Do good anyway. I'm paraphrasey, but you understand what I'm saying.
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Stay out of the murky order of wanting to control
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how other people perceive you, wanting to control specific outcomes,
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wanted to control timing, wanted to control especially wanting to
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control someone else's response. You can't release which you haven't identified.
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So I really want you to think about where you
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are on these Are you trying to control someone else's response?
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Are you trying to control specific outcomes? Are you trying
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to control timing? Are you trying to control how another
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individual perceives you? Go ahead and name it. If you
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have pencil and paper. I love being able to jot
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step down because once you see it in writing, it
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does something to the brain. Right. So number two in
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the framework of letting go is separate influence. I'm sorry,
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separate influence, verse this control, Separate influence versus control. So
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is this influence or is this control? Separate those two?
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Are you trying to have an influencer for something or are
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you trying to control something? Ask yourself, do I control
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this or do I only influence it? See how that feels? Differently,
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do I control this or do I influence this? Control
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means you decide the outcome, really analyze whatever it is
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that's that you're thinking of right now, and ask if
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do you control the outcome? No influence means you can
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contribute to the outcome, but not determine the outcome. Most
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things in life fall under influence, not control. Right. I'm
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smiling to myself because you.
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Know, you know, if you been with me, you know
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there's only three things that you can control, only three
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things that I can control my actions, my words, and
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my choices.
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So most things fall in life under influence. I have
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some influence on the over the and I think it
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was Steve Covey where I first read this as a
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young professional circle of influence, circle of control. I never
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forgot that took a lot of pressure off of me.
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Circle of influence, circle of control. So in recognizing that
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most things you do not have control over is free,
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that is free. You just listed a whole bunch of
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weight off of your shoulders, and whoever tries to put
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it back on your shoulders, you can just simply say
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to yourself influence versus control. Right, So step three and
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step three in our process for the letting Go framework,
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Step three is replace rumination with action. This is right
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on my street. Guys. Worry and rumination used to be
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my go to and somewhere in my lifetime I read
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and I talk about this a lot. If you, if
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you were one of my life coaching clients, you probably
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can do this part of our talk so well. Because
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action is the cure for rumination, rumination, repetitive negative thinking.
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Rumination repetitive negative thinking. Another word for negative repetitive negative
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thinking is worrying. A lot of us don't want to
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hear that worrying is negative, but it is. Repetitive negative
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thinking has been shown in psychological research to increase anxiety
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and prolonged stress responses. Rumination sounds like what if this happens?
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What did they Why did they do that? Why they
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feel that way? What should I have done differently? Constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly,
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It's a loop going over in our brains. Right, action
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ground you action grounds you ask what is the one
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thing I can do within my control right now? Maybe
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I can have a conversation with that individual, because conversations
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on the other side of conversations are what clarity. May
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not be the answer that I want, but I will
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get clarity at the end of this conversation. So maybe
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I need to have a conversation. Maybe that's the action
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I need to take to stop the rumination. Maybe I
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need to set healthy boundaries. Oooh, that's a big one.
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That's a whole other topic. But learning to set healthy boundaries.
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Maybe I need to make a decision and stand on it.
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Ten toes down as they say, Maybe I need to
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make a decision and stand on it. Maybe I need
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to just let something be, just decide that it is
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what it is, take my hands off it. Right. That
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can be some of the action that we can take
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to stop the negative, repetitive thinking. Then after we make
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the decision, what is the action? Is the action? Having
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a conversation is the action setting a healthy boundary is
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the action making a decision ten toes down. Making a
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decision and standing on it is the action deciding to
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let it be what it is right now. Whatever the
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action is. Once we make the decision and take the action,
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we release and rest in that contract that we have
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to make with ourselves. So guide it reflection. Let's take
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a moment together if you can, if you're in a
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safe place, I would love it if you could just
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close your eyes gently for a moment and take a breath,
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nice cleansing breath through the nose, nice complete exhale through
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the mouth, and bring to mind something you've been trying
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to control. I want you to see it clearly, something
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some situation, some outcome, some person. Once you get that
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fixed in your mind, that in your mind, now, gently
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ask yourself is this mind to control or mine to influence?
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The question is this whatever it is that you've been
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holding in your mind, the person, the situation, is it
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mine to control or is it mine to influence? Once
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you have that answer, what is one action I can
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take next? What am I willing to release? That's a lot,
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but go ahead, what are you willing to release? Not
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take another breath, and imagine loosening your grip, not giving up.
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But you're in the car. We're talking about steering the car.
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You got your hands on the steering wheel, but they
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don't have to grip it so hard. What are you
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willing to release? And now imagine yourself basically loosening your grip,
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not giving up, but letting go of what was never
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yours to carry. Right, letting go of what was never
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yours to carry. This is control versus influence. Now, as
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we close today, I want to remind you control is
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not the same as peace. In fact, sometimes the more
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we try to control, the less peace we feel. Because
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peace doesn't come from managing everything. Peace comes from trusting
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yourself to handle what is yours and to release what
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is not yours. So this week, notice where you're gripping
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too tightly, notice where you're overreaching, and gently begin to
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let go, not all at once, a little at a time,
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just one thing at a time. Your mantra for the
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week is you can't steer everything, but you can steer yourself.
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Keep that image in your mind. You gripping the steering
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will you can't steer everything, Release a little bit, relax
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and know that you can't steer yourself. Thank you, thank
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you so much for joining me today on the Doctor
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Drayvon James Everyday Peace Podcast. If this conversation spoke to you,
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if it shifted something in your thinking, softened your heart,
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or reminded you of who you truly are, don't let
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it in here. Share this episode with someone you love,
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someone who may need a little more peace in their
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life today, and be sure to subscribe so you can
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continue this journey with me. Because here we're not just
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talking about peace. We're practicing it, we're choosing it, and
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we're creating it every single day until next time. I'm
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doctor dre Yon James reminding you peace is not something
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you wait for, it's something you become. I'll see you
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next time.